We Hate Movies - S9 Ep414: Episode 414 - Shrek 2

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang is heading back to Far Far Away to chat about the dreadful, award-winning sequel, Shrek 2! What's with all the extraordinarily large bosoms in this movie? Why does Puss in Boots immediately start calling Shrek "boss"? And what were they thinking with all these donkey/dragon mashup babies? PLUS: Mario Mario loses out on Yankees tickets! Shrek 2 stars Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Antonio Banderas, Rupert Everett, and Jennifer Saunders; directed by Andrew Adamson, Kelly Asbury & Conrad Vernon. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, how did we get back here so soon? It's Shrek 2. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven State actress Cabin. Eric Shrexka. And we hate movies. You know that Shrek. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right. Somehow, here we are at Shrek 2 from 2004 directed by Andrew Adamson, Kelly Asbury, and Conrad Vernon. Three people putting their names.

Oh, sure. And Conrad Hilton? Did I hear that right? Connie? Connie? You know, Don, no one to come on down. I'll show you my dailies for Shrek, too. No, Don, I own Indiana. I'm going to open a Shrek hotel. Shrek tell. I was picturing Shrek jumping over the bar to make an old-fashioned for Connie.

This is, of course, the sequel to the wildly successful film Shrek. This is the first sequel to ever be nominated for best animated feature. So congratulations everybody. We established it last time that Shrek was the reason they added that category. So that category was just the Shrek category. And they just nominated the new one. What's your point? I didn't fucking say anything incorrect. I didn't say anything incorrect. It's not like

this has been 70 years of the academy. It's been since Shrek won. That's all I'm saying. It was three years. And isn't the down... It didn't win, right? No, it didn't. So it was for not. They did it all for fucking nothing.

Well, first of all, they did it all for the nookies. Second of all. I'll write the nooky, of course. And then all the money, too. Can you get the cookie? This was the highest grossing film of 2004, which is crazy. That's a fucking bonk town. And I mean, like, yeah, we are over-glot with superhero movies.

I totally agree. You give me a bill. I will sign it. Yes, less superhero movies. However, Shrek was. the highest grossing film of 2004. So maybe Shrek 2 you mean. Shrek 2. Yeah. So let's you know. Beat out the Incredibles. That's pretty

that's something. Yeah. Well, it beat out all that shit. The Incredibles was also 2004. Wow. I can't remember 2004 other than there was a war on. Oh, that war that's still going. Oh, right. It's called Forever Wars. Yeah, I'm looking here. Dude, this

fucking domestic total gross to date $400, over $441 million. Jesus Louise. That's wild. That is fucking wild. And then you wrap in that forum box office. Dude, we are talking almost a billion dollars, $919 million plus.

I skipped it. This is my first time around. The thing is like we could make, I mean, we could hire some computer dorks. Sure, yeah. A couple of egg heads. Exactly. And we could do like the voices of like some rambunctious rats having a fucking time of their life on Staten Island. Dude, it's called garbage rats.

Yeah. Oh, fuck, dude, we should totally voice garbage rats. But, like, that's all it takes. You just do some shitty comedy. You know what that garbage is? There's a real-life garbage rat's coming out. It's that movie, what's it, Kevin, ugly dolls? Oh, yeah, that's the thing.

There is some movie. This was a thing when we went and saw Captain Marvel. Sure. They had a trailer for it. It's just a, it's a movie about like these dolls. That's eating garbage? No, no, no. It's these dolls and it's kind of like

an island of misfit toy situation and it's one of those movies that's supposed to teach kids like you can be beautiful no matter what you look like kind of movie but it's just like these disgusting fucking dolls and they're all voiced by big celebrities and you learn at the end that you can remake Toy Story and call it whatever

the fuck you want to never have an original idea. It's okay to be different kids rub my bump I'm a doll I mean like the and you know I get sexual satisfaction from my bump being I'm a doll.

How many times do we have to learn it's okay to be different in the grossest way possible? How about there's a kid that's just kind of fat and that kid learns it's okay to be different as opposed to a fart-eating ogre

and Dora's doll. Steve's idea was just the Andrew Jupin's story. Andrew in sixth grade. Exactly. The Steve Sadek story is Steve Sadek up till now. I'll never forget a girl

in sixth grade told me that I had bigger boobs than this other girl in sixth grade who definitely had big boobs. That's going to hurt. you're feeling it was devastating it was in front of the whole class you got boobs like shrek look at my tittes

oh that's more fat bastard now I'm thinking about like Shrek and fight club oh right like meatloves character oh big big love meat love a day yeah he had truck tits they kept saying that throughout that movie he had the cauliflower ears from all the punching he looked like Shrek

but Shrek was a solid B but Bob was like a C plus That was, like, supernatural breast that he had. I cannot believe this ugly dolls cast. Kelly Clarkson, Nick Jonas, Janelle Monet, Blake Shelton, Pitbull, Gabriel Iglesias, Wanda Sykes, Charlie XCX, Emma Roberts, that ends the list of people. So, wait, are they just singing? They're all singers. Listen, it's an animated adventure in which the free-spirited ugly dolls confront what it means to be different.

Struggles with a desire to be loved and ultimately discover who you truly are. is what matters most. This is all bullshit. By the way, like in Shrek 2, we'll get there, but the moral of the story is not really is it okay to be different is it's like the folly of the stupidity

to not be normal. Like why wouldn't they just become human because their life would be so much fucking easier. But that's not who they are, Eric. It's okay to be who you are. But I have no idea of what they are. They're ogres. They're fucking ogres.

I've seen Trek 1. I've seen Trek 2. That's all I've seen. But listen, in the rest of the movies, they're also fucking ogres, dude. They live in a magic swamp and they're fucking hanging out

with Pinocchio's and whatever the fuck. And I see nothing in that that makes me think it's okay to be different. Like, how is any of this okay? How do I see, they're not, they don't enjoy their life.

Shrek hates his life. Shrek hates Pinocchio coming in to use the fucking microwave. I hate to hear this from a man who lives in a box. currently because we know this and like I did like and you're missing the whole point of the ending the king is like he had done this whole thing to not be himself yeah and the whole point is he should have just been himself his fucking frog self he's wrong he's wrong but but Chris

imagine my life if I didn't live in a bar you'd be a lot of happier it'd be better I yeah no one told you to move to that bog dude that was all and you enjoy farting in it too so I don't know what you're talking about who doesn't enjoy a fart from time to time. So Shrek 2 is a motion picture for the year 2004 wherein we're following all of our characters back from the first when we open

on Prince Charming giving a weird monologue about how dark it is that he because he was like oh I'm going to save Princess Fiona from the castle uh-oh he gets Mario he gets there instead of Toad it's the big bad wolf your princess although is not in another castle but she is indeed in a bog

I guarantee you Mario got pissed Castle 3, Mario, I was like, the fuck, come on. I am fucking breaking my plumber balls, going through all these weird old lands, trying to find this. I killed another dinosaur, my fucking princesses in here. You fucking kidding me? How many fucking times is this dinosaur going to fall in lava? Is it the same dinosaur? Yeah, yeah, Luigi, yeah, it's me.

Yeah, I can't make the job tomorrow. I got to go to a little fucking castle. There's ladies in all these castles. No way, Luigi. What is that? Yankees tickets. Oh, you are got to be shitting me. I guess bring Wario.

I mean, I got to stay here overnight. I got to get to the other fucking cancel. This lady's around. Why doesn't Bowser just hire the plumbers, right? Like, you know he's breaking toilets all right and left. Oh, sure. They're falling off walls like old Kevin Smith. But the Big Bad Wolf, he's on some Hannibal shit.

Yeah. Because he is fucking reading pork illustrated and jerking off to like pigs and bathing suits. And also eating pork rinds. Yeah. It's kind of weird. That is weird. I think the pigs are fucking in that in that magazine, by the way. The pork is a double meeting.

Well, no, it's a bathing suit. It's supposed to be the swimsuit episode of Sports Illustrator. He's reading it like pornography, but it's food for him. So this is just a weird. Food fuckers, dude, they are out there. Food fuckers are out there. George Costanza, right? Yeah, exactly.

I mean, because I don't like sit around and read about like pizza and get horny. You know what I mean? If I want pizza, but dude, Steve, imagine if you did. Well, that's why I'm saying. like Hannibal because he fuck he fucks you know people and he also eats people that's right cabin's right but like imagine like seducing

and fucking and eating pizza the hut from space balls oh yeah that'd be a lot it would take a lot to seduce that guy though man he was pretty fucking mouthy and also I would have to airlock myself after that shit because you have to live with the memory

yeah totally that's you mean cherish the memory I would want no like you fuck like a sexy member of Pizza the Huts race. Not pizza the Huts. It's so like a garlic knot? No, you shove garlic nuts up your ass, dude. They're little ass beads.

I'm a Calzone. You can have me all night. This is a great question. Hi, my name is Calzone. I'm here for the fucking. What is the sexiest item in a pizzeria? Oh, the baker.

You know what? The baker on the fucking the cardboard box I always get with the mustache that central fat motherfucker that looks like you can go to

Plowtown yeah you never see him in real life that's just a cartoon yeah well it is a cartoon yeah

I'm just saying I wish they were really you're saying you want like a real life equivalent of that guy to be working at a pizzeria

exactly every piece of yeah that doesn't exist that hasn't existed since like the godfather too the obvious answer is the square piece or the Jamaican

beef patty oh yeah a lot of a hollow rollo room in there. Chris Cabin wants the grandma slice. Oh, yeah. Sicilian style. So he wants he's the villain

of the film. Who is the grand? Prince Charming. Oh, Prince Charming. Yes. So he's all disappointed to find the wolf is in the bed and he's like, where's the princess? And the wolf's like, oh, what? Oh, on her honeymoon. And he's like, honeymoon. This is Rupert

Everett, by the way. And we cut to a six minute counting Crow's song. Holy shit. And it should be Long December. It really should be. That's what it should feel like to go on

honeymoon with Shrek. Long December never ended. And there's reason to believe maybe Shrek will kill himself this time around. So the Little Mermaid Ariel gets washed up on this beach

and starts making out with Shrek. And then Mrs. Shrek tosses her to the sharks. Yeah, she gets eaten up. There's a lot of really hacky oh Disney's for babies but Shrek fucks that's like a lot of this movie more so than the last movie this whole vacation is Shrek getting his fucking ogre dong worked yeah totally but it's not just Disney though dude

because unless I'm reading it wrong when they get like their rings made there's a total like L-O-T-R gagging there where it's like again that's for pussies Shrek fucks it's like oh they go on their honeymoon they're having all these fun adventures they're getting chased by a lot of people like People are out to kill them, and I don't know who they are. That's a great, that's a good gag that I laughed at is the two of them slow-mo running in a meadow. And then you see the pitchforks flying.

It was a funny visual gag. But just in general, people like don't want ogres around. Yeah, because they're just the most persecuted people ever. I can also, I can't laugh when Counting Crows is playing. It's a problem with me. I can't do it. Because you're crying. There's no joy in me.

It's gone. it's been evaporated so what can I do here come on come on come a little faster come on come on be a little something come a little faster there's a stupid joke in this montage where Shrek is shaving and then she's also shaving

because get it they're disgusting but it's been it's a it's the whole song dude it's four and a half minutes and the movie doesn't start you know it's surprising four minutes and 38 seconds until a fart joke in this movie Because there's no action or like substance to the film.

That's restraint. I think that's restraint. But it's a romantic fart, which really puts a sour taste on everything. Well, this is the weird thing where they're like, oh, it's like kind of like, oh, it's a hot tub, but it's like obviously a mud tub. And they catch these fairies and they put them in like jars for their own romance, these sentient fairies. And they make them watch them fuck. It's a fetish. It's a living.

Those fairies know what's up. No, they're screaming to get out. hitting on the glass. This is the card we've drawn. I mean, maybe these ogres deserve to be murdered. That's also possible. They're persecuting fairies. Nobody's, nobody asked about what the fairies wanted in this universe. That's true. We come back to, they come back to Shrek's little swamp area there and donkey is there. Donkey has had a fight with dragon. Who does not appear in this film. No. Until the end. Stinger seen only. Right. Wait,

wait, in the end credits? Yeah. Oh, I turned it right off. Are you, wait, what? It's the most important shut up. Nobody say anything until we get it, get to it because wow, what a fucking spectacular cock up on your part. Let me check my notes to see if I just don't remember. You would remember. You would remember. There's no way.

It's an abomination. No. Oh, I can't wait to get there. That's so funny. You'll be screaming. I love that apparently on this honeymoon they've not had any sex, really? Because they're home and they're like, hey, donkey, you got to get out of here because now we got to fuck.

I think they've been fucking the whole time. And we're just going to keep that ball rolling. Like Raiders to the Lost Dark. Shrek's got that swampy crotch. You know what I mean? Well, he's also like got to take a mud shower because he's been traveling all day. Yeah. I never understand the mud show.

Also, donkey's annoying. Yes. Shrek hates, like, just fucking kill him. I know it's, I mean, the thing is like, oh, I know it's for children, but like you're an ogre. ogres are known for killing other mammals or whatever you just the shallow fucking Ariel the mermaid

yeah exactly what the fuck who cares if you killed the damn donkey well she wasn't voiced by anybody the stature of any murphy I want to compliment this movie real quick I think the animation's way better than Trek 1 it absolutely it's an it's an upgrade especially on the people

like they look like people they have like because I remember the last time was like doll people like a flappy kind of all it's way more like Sims. Yes, in the first one. And then this one, there's like, the people have, because there's actually a lot of people in this movie, like actual like, I feel it. And that's probably why. Yeah, it's like, oh shit. There's like a lot more humans in this. We better buckle down, do our homework and make these faces look right. And then like the only people that anyone gave, the only character is that there's definitely a test audience of like, who are the enchanted people you want to see back in Shrek to? And it's Pinocchio. The Big Bad Wolf, this was a killer. Love the Big Bad Wolf. Yeah, gingerbread man. Gingerbread man, and then the three blind mice are also involved. And the pigs. And the pigs.

Who are we missing? Mason verger to wrangle the pigs. Oh, welcome back, Shrek. Yeah, Shrek, we deal with our problems in the swamp a little differently. You see, like the... Burdell! Swamps technically are on the property of my chateau. Yeah, that's right.

It made me eat my face, Shrek. Oh, oh, the blind mice sound wonderful, Vodal. Oh, my, listen to him. You know, Shrek, you should try having a pig eat your face. Might do some good. It couldn't hurt, man. So, right when this part, like, they kind of barge into Shrek's house. Again, the barging always drives me crazy.

Because he just wants to fuck. He's like, donkey get the fuck out of my house. because Donkey and Dragon have a row. He's like, I don't give a shit, that's your problem. So donkey wasn't house-sitting? He says he was, but he, uninvitedly. Oh, it wasn't an assignment. If you went on vacation and broke into your house.

Beanie, dude. Totally. Lord knows what that dude, sniffing, what he's eaten. Well, apparently bought them fish. Yeah. The goldfish in this bowl that are now dead. They're deceased. You would get a restraining order against this donkey.

Like, donkey, this is out of control, donkey. I mean, he's got a hole in a hole in a hole in a bowl. a rock as his home. I don't think he had to do a lot of breaking. He had to jump. I really think you're right. The most people like Shrek for is that he's got a fucking roof. It's like, oh, cool. Plumbing. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, awesome. People take advantage of Shrek right and left and now when... Hey man, can I just crash on your couch for a couple of months, Shrek, until I get my shit together. Oh, Shrek. I'm just trying to get some pixie dust to tie me over, man. Come on, Shrek. I helped out, man.

I fucking cleaned your toilet. Wait, that wasn't the toilet? Yeah, man. My dragon kicked me out. Don't my old lady give me a bunch of shit, drag it up cool. Shrek, my dragon lady, man, she tried to fucking drop an ATM on me

man. He said, come on, dragon. I mean, I like her because she has, she can breathe fire to heat up the spoon and all, but, wow. So it's like, oh, everybody got out of my house, uh-oh, here's

a message from the king. And I guess this is all part of one kingdom. Because I was under the impression... Far, far away. Yeah, I was under the impression that what John Lithgow in the last movie was the king. Yeah, Lord Farkle. He's a lord. Oh, he's just a lord of the man. Which now his castle's like

Heron Hall, which is like it's just completely burnt down and destroyed. It's like when when Kevin Costner comes back from the crusades and his dad's been fucking mummified like a spider in that bird cage.

Yes, exactly. That's just what's going on at Lickhouse. It was like a fiefdom that has now been unseeded and I guess it just now, the rulership just applies to the most local liege lord, which might be far far away.

Hey man, get out of my fiefdom. I've been squatting in this fucking webbed up man's castle. They squatters rights, man. Now I'm a lord. They definitely blinded the magic mirror. Just like, you can't. the original treatment for this film

which made the original writer's walk afterwards I think something like that wow made them walk well because they didn't want it which was the the ghost of John Lithgow haunts the movie essentially and like it's like about like they're dealing with him again weren't we talking about this though they wound up doing that on one of those like

director of them yes yeah they turned it into something yeah because it's definitely Lord Farquard's ghost it was William Stieg who was against it who was the the guy who owned the rights who actually died by the time this movie came out. Good. Good for him, man. Lucky. He got out before all the Christmas specials.

So it's the king and queen of far, far away are like, hey, we want to see our daughter, Fiona. We heard that she was rescued. And your beautiful prince should come along. And apparently, you know, we're pre, although we're watching television

later, which is bizarre. We're not, no phones or anything. We can't call it. You screwed it up a bit because they don't, they think she's going to come to marry Prince Charming. They don't know about the marriage. Oh, I see. They send a fucking bunch of horn players and one of them does Hawaii 5-0 because I noticed that. That there's so much of that in this movie and it's really amped up to like this is,

it's not just for like the adults in the room. It's for the adults 65 and older. Because who could fucking possibly care? about that theme song. We were even like we were a decade out from the fucking remake. I mean, so they get the message and they go to, there's this long

fucking insane scene where they're going. They're like, are we there yet? Oh my God. Are we there yet? Dude, I was fucking pulling my beard out of my face watching that. I guess little little kids love the annoying donkey shit. Oh, of course.

Oh my God, he's so annoying. That's so funny though. Here's the thing I'm going to do to my dad in the car on the way home from the movies. But I mean, the beginning of this movie is it's a montage, we might fuck, and now we're bored. Like, literally, this whole sequence is like,

man, I'm bored. Man, I'm bored. So what I was saying about the kingdom of far, far away, being like, Los Angeles, is like this movie positions the idea that America exists in the Shrek verse. Yeah, yeah, sure. Because later on, someone's like, oh, Shrek, that's an exotic name. Are you from Europe? So Europe

is recognized as an outside, I don't know what that means. It doesn't mean, no, it doesn't mean anything because these screenplays are all like, we're just throwing shit in there. Yeah, like Joan Rivers is going to exist for no reason. Because when they start their little road trip before all of the Are We There Yet jokes, Shrek is, or Donkey is just singing the fucking Raw Hyde theme song. So what is that? Like I know it's not supposed to be a thing where Donkey is, you're not supposed to think that Donkey is a fan of the show, Raw Hyde. Yeah. And knows that tune. It's just a. dumb thing that they insert because these screenplays are fucking mad lives. It's the same thing with Hawaii 50. It's just these things that are like, don't you get it? We watch the same shit you do. There's a joke on there.

There's nothing to it. Fuck it. And once we get there, all the jokes are, I wrote them all fucking down. Wow, good for you. All these goddamn store, like, sub the good place puns. Yes. Of like burger prints, what, Versauchery, Versauchery. Wasn't there like a fat,

Ryer's fast food. Baskin Robin Hood, Saxon 5th Avenue. Old knavery. There is also a play on Rodeo Drive to drive home the L.A. thing. I forget what it was, but it's there. There's also a Hollywood sentence is far, far away, which is very... And lethal arrow four. Oh, man.

That's when... Oh, like, lethal weapon. Oh, that's fucking dumb as shit. That's when that elf Jet Lee shows up in the series. And also, isn't the tune Electric Avenue playing? Yes. And that's again like, oh, that's kind of fun. And we get there and like everyone throws up when they see Shrek and Fiona.

Because also the weird thing about this movie is they kind of, I think what they're trying to emotionally get at with Fiona is like, it's really fucked up that her parents locked her in a castle. And they keep bringing that up really specifically, but they never have any kind of rectifying of it. It's the only, like, leg to stand on that Shrek has in any argument is like... You're fucking locked it out of the castle! Exactly. Like, John Cleese as the king and... Julie Andrews. Julie Andrews as the queen, like, mainly more the king is, like, talking shit.

And all Shrek has to throw back at the wall is like, oh, yeah? Well, at least I didn't lock her in a castle. What do you have to say to that? And that argument happens, like, two or three times, but you're right. There's no real rectifying it. Like, Cameron Diaz, kind of has a scene with John Cleese at the end of the movie

but it's not even really about any of that it's about how he's been shitty to Shrek and that's it I know it's in medieval times so like and I don't agree with this but like under that law if Shrek

sacks this castle therefore then he should have the right to pillage whatever is inside yeah accordance to time at that time I mean if you want to defend him in a court of law

you are welcome to do it I'm not I mean I just don't like, it's like false equivalence. Like, Shrek does try to be nice to this king at first. And then later they're like, no, you didn't. And I'm like, yes, he did. And then like the whole thing is the king is a complete piece of shit. Yes.

But you can't say he's a complete piece of shit. Yes. He has to be like a good guy at the end. He's the character I sided with the most. That makes complete sense. He tries to hire a man to kill Shrek one of my favorite sequences. Well, there's also like, we're also doing a lot more of the, oh my God, ogres are a persecuted class

and like it's the way that the filmmakers describe this film as like guess who's coming to dinner but with Shrek instead. Sure. But that's fantastic. And there's also this line where he's like well I guess I won't be invited to their country club. And I'm like what the fuck are you

talking about? Like you can't just, it's not one to one. You can't just say that the way black people are treated in America is exactly like ogres are. By the way it's a joke. By the way there's no black people anywhere in this fucking enchant did land. Eddie Murphy doesn't count because it's a fucking donkey. Especially because they don't really delineate what the world is.

Exactly. What the history of the ogres in this world are? What the fuck? How many opers are there? That's why it's the biggest problem is because as far as we know, there's just two. Well, well, I was, I was thumb in the dial the other night and free form was doing a little. Did the dial get off? so after my remote control came in my face I was able to put on the channel free form

which was doing a marathon formerly ABC family and they were doing a marathon of these Shrek movies I caught one segment of I think it was Shrek the third or four Shrek of the fourth one's the one where you see more of them and there's an ogre resistance brewery What? And there's a bunch of people.

bunch of Shrex and then I change the channel I mean they're all like they're all like the Homer fan like all the Homer siblings and cousins God that's always weird when they had those and they like one has a helmet the other one like only has like a dress on or something and it's just like 30 different voice tracks of Mike Myers yelling it's a no Shrex club we're allowed to have one I'm not sure I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure they changed a free form from ABC family so they can show anything with gay people on it people fucking gay people on ABC fucking family. I got to watch this with my family. I thought it was just to increase playing movies like Harry Potter. You're not accused of witchcraft. I've got to watch this with my family. This I have to say. That you should say.

I'm trained to the TV and it's only got free form on it. You're making me watch it. We do see a sign for a fairy godmother business that it's this is what was confusing was the sign makes it look like look like it's a thing for a strip club yeah but she's not it's a famous billboard i remember it featured prominently in get shorty and it's like a porn star or something okay uh with the heavy bosoms and uh i don't know i forget what the lady's name is but it is something very that's been in hollywood for a while oh i see thank you chris

because every single female animated character in this movie's fucking stacked and the cleavage is out of control it's like baywatch i don't know what we're talking even the fairy godmother she's an older lady she's got rotund bosom well dude it's jennifer saunders man no i know that and it's fine but also julie andrews has huge tits in there she does everyone does julia's got huge tits john cleese everyone's got trek tits it just i mean like it's just literally like oh man everybody's just this thing where like men are clearly animating it it's like hey dads you want to come see shrek too you go to see fucking fairy godmother you want to pop one off watching fucking a bc family oh wow it's uh it's kind of crazy you know uh took my kid to see this

stupid shrek movie but uh i don't know now i think i want to fuck cartoons i had to hide my boner in the popcorn i will say i don't think uh to go back to our previous episode i don't but i don't believe this is a chuckle boner or whatever chuckle dick no it's not supposed to be Yeah, nobody's supposed to be beaten off to this. They could if they chose to. Oh, sure. I guarantee you hundreds, maybe hundreds of thousands, maybe. Hundreds of thousands of thousands.

Thousands of people have not jerked off to Shrek. You just mentioned recently the box office. Yeah. Think about it, dude. Do the numbers. Put VOD in there. Put DVD. I would say 100,000 people have jerked off to Shrek too.

I would say less than a thousand people have jerked off. I would love to do. I wish I could see the world through your naive eyes. I wish I would do a fucking actual Price is Right kind of thing with this. Like if we knew what the answer was. Like one? One person. One person Jurend Over Distract 2.

And they're in this room right now. I'm going with 99,000. Oh, wow. What a dick move. You just totally undercut Eric. Now he's screwed. Seriously, it's probably more than 100,000. It's probably 101, 1002,000.

There's definitely been a lot. of spunked me. Here's what I will say. I don't think this particular movie people have pleasureed themselves but guaranteed those fucking devian art like, you want to see Fiona and Shrek

get it on? Then subscribe to my devian art page. That stuff. Oh man, I can use a fucking fairy godmother deviant art. Yeah, exactly. That I'm talking 500,000 people. Nobody jerks off to the Shrek Fiona one. They jerk off to the Shrek Fiona

donkey three way. Oh, nice. That's that's the money maker. There's many the donkey punch in that anything. There's many combinations you can make. There is. Yeah. Of cartoons sex. Well, like, Shrek 2 sex. Well, that's the thing because we're also, by the way, we're doing an, we're very clearly trying to expand this universe. Oh, sure. And like, introduce all sorts of new characters and do all sorts of stuff. So they get in. It's a awkward dinner scene and it's one of those like they're trying to have conversation any way possible like

it's so uncomfortable Shrek gags on a spoon that's a fetish Fiona burbs and she's like oh excuse me and Shrek's like oh you know what I always say better out than in yikes what you're talking like eating burps well you yeah I guess you shouldn't hold in your gas oh sure vomit there there is a scene where donkey tries to eat a lobster that disturbed me great Greatling. Does anybody else? The idea of a donkey eating a... Why is that disturbing?

Like, they eat apples and shit and hay. Like, I don't know. The idea of a donkey eating meat. I guarantee you it's happened. But why I think it's so disturbing, at least what I found weird about it, unless I'm remembering it wrong, is like, he uses his little, like, donkey hook

to, like, shred the shell open. Yikes. That was horrifying. I was like, how sharp are those hooves? And he knows what to do. Yeah, that's the other thing. He doesn't just, like, bite into it, like, an idiot, like, not peeling a banana or something. He knows that, like, you have to break the shell before you can get the meat.

He's crushed a bunch of exoskeletons before. Do you think he's, like, eating spiders and shit? Could you imagine? Absolutely. Beetles, be able to... You okay with a donkey eating a beetle? That's a bug. I'm fine.

What is it, lobster? It's just a bigger bug. It's a bigger project. Ocean bugs. Think about a horse eating a fish. Like, you know what I mean? A huge horse with a fucking, with a goddamn salmon in its mouth. That's disgusting.

That is weird. It's just out of place. One time I saw a horse eat beefaroni. It was on television. Rusty. So, like, I'm sure they've eaten all kinds of combos. What would have you done if he had dipped it in butter? Oh, that would be too far too much.

You would have given up. You would have just walked into the ocean? Because how would you know? How would a donkey know to dip something in butter? the ye old red lobster or whatever nonsense he's with fucking dragons his whole fucking world's exploded

I mean he's already eating dragon there is um yes it turns really awkward when children are mentioned Shrek is uncomfortable because I'm not ready to have kids yet the dad's throwing up

that the idea that his daughter would get knocked up by Shrek but she's also a Shrek only at night apparently right and the curse would have been lifted if she just stayed in that tower. Well, the other thing about, if you remember the first movie,

which why would you? But the thing was, the curse was the humanity, right? It was like, oh, you have to flip that shit around. I totally forgot about that. No, exactly. So then how did this happen?

How did this? Well, I guess because of the frog business at the end, that just throws off the bloodline kind of a thing. I mean, I guess that's the dark curse. You're like, oh, yeah, you want to be a frog

that turns into a man. You're going to give birth a little Shrek girl. What I think it is. That makes sense. Sometime, in the history of far, far away. Like in the recent history.

So maybe like, I don't know, 40 years before the events of this film. So not a long time ago. Right. And in a far, far away. Exactly. Just a recent time. There was a, there was a nuclear power plant. Got it.

That there was a total meltdown. And the entire kingdom was just irradiated. Oh, that's awesome. So now it's a thing where sometimes in this world, uh, there's a birth defect and where two human beings could have a baby. Uh-huh. But then it looked like Shrek. Is this like the flash origin you're doing?

Yes. Yes, exactly. I think it's my origin. My parents banged in Chernobyl. By the way, before you go to, before you go and see the King Queen, you know what you want to get? Some Farbucks coffee. Oh, man. Farbucks, dude, while he is totally singing the fucking theme song to the Beverly Hillbillies.

I just, this donkey loved fucking. fucking classic television. Dude, this donkey just eats up pop culture, man. He's a little pop culture scavenger. So Fiona gets upset at this dinner. She locks herself in her childhood bedroom. There's a lot of awkward business. Well, this is where the first argument about like,

oh, I guess you thought it was okay to lock her in a tower shit happens. Again, that's true. Like, she had, she lived room and like no one's, no one's, no one's dealing with it. You know what I mean? Like, well, everyone's everyone's, yeah, everyone's just gleefully ignoring it, including her. She doesn't deal with it. Well, yeah, there's no, uh, uh,

the ye old therapist back. Oh, man. Far-a-pitched. So that night, the, the fairy godmother comes to the castle. This is voiced by Jennifer Saunders from Ab-Fab, which reminded me. Huge tits, by the way. I'm sorry, just huge tits.

Oh, yeah. You can't have a few more character unless she's fucking stacked! This is 2004, which was probably the worst time in... Human history? What? One of. One of. We're in there.

One of. So, um, no, I was just going to say, watching this reminded me of how fucking totally terrible that ABFAP movie was that came out a couple years ago. Good Lord.

It was unfortunate. I'd seen some of that television show and I thought it was funny. Yeah. That fucking movie is just, it's so bad. We had to bring back the 90s in full and it doesn't matter

that it's good or bad. We didn't fucking do it. Hogue, she's also in Coraline doing a voice. She's really good. This fucking song, by the way, like, I did say,

What song are you talking about? The Very Godmother's song. She comes in and starts singing a song. She's singing a song. She's singing his songs. She's singing a song. She basically only talks in song. Well, so one thing I say about this movie is that the first one was way more like perverse.

Yeah. I noticed that a lot more in the first one. Yep. Yeah. But like they are a little bit more stealthy about it in this one. Like in the song, I've noticed these lyrics for a happy ending call Fiona. Yep. They do a Marilyn Monroe.

skirt left. Oh, dude, some who was J.O. and somewhere. And there's like there's a mention of a role in the hay. Something about a sexy tush. And she's a man servant named Kyle. Yes, the sexy chauffeur, which is, he's given the Googly eyes, the sexual

Google eyes. The sexual Google eyes? Is that their next product? I fucking hope. I mean, Google should get, the Google should get into the sex trade already. Yes, the sex eyes. They're right. Well, they tried Google glasses nobody liked those so Google sex size are better and sex

went plummeted. Hey you know you can take these Google glasses to a show like Shrek too man and they're like fucking if you wear them Google glasses they're fucking if you wear them I'll make you fancy boring Thanksgiving dinner

put on your glasses they'll be fucking when you wear them listen to these lyrics I'll make you fancy I'll make you great the kind of gal a prince would date they'll write your name on the bathroom wall for a happy ever after give Fiona a call A sporty carriage to ride in style

A sexy man-boy chauffeur Kyle Vanish your blemishes Tooth decay, cellulite thighs will fade away A hool and a hay Have a Bichon freeze I don't know what that is Oh it's the dog, right Nip and tuck here and there

To land that prince with the perfect hair Lipstick liner shadow blush To get that prince with a sexy tush Lucky Day Hunk buffet for the lipstick A roll in the hay You can swoon on the moon

With the Prince to this tune Don't be sad You'll be fab Your Prince will have rock hard abs Cheese souffle Valentine's Day Have some chicken fricasse Are you going on the moon Is that where

That's where I am Get out of here Fairy Godmother This is fucking disgusting It's just like Turn your body Into a sexual buffet for some stranger named Kyle

plus whoever else is in the men's room reading this on the wall that's the craziest part dude that old bathroom guy happily ever have to do yep absolutely Bobcraft got one earlier you have the fairy godmother's last

client was Bob crap she's in all these pictures with Donald Trump with the fairy godmother Donald Trump and four Chinese ladies It's Willem Defoe praying to the, oh, fairy godmother, he won't recognize me. Oh, it's also revealed here that Prince Charming is somehow the fairy godmother's son. That's weird. So basically, that doesn't work.

And we also get a lot more Disney shit here, too, like the fucking, you know, all the beauty and the beast. A lot of Beauty and the Beast. We're like Beauty and the Beast is for stupid baby, Shrek rules. Yep. So basically, as Shrek, I think, kicks her out. And then she goes up to the prince, the king, and John Cleese, and she's like, look, we had a deal. You were supposed to, your daughter was supposed to bury my son and he was going to inherit your kingdom. It's a weird, like, the mafia, let's go for a ride scene, which is so bizarre.

She's got all these goons in this movie. Like, she's a villain and she's unlikable. But I kind of feel like it's almost ill to find that she's. she's a villain. Am I wrong there? Like you always kind of expect her not to be or you expect the real villain to manifest. I think it's a thing where it's like, okay, so who's the real, like she's a heavy, but who's like, on top? What's the big thing going to be? And then when you realize like there isn't a big thing and this movie is only 93 minutes long and you're like, oh, this is the whole conflict is just this very godmother character. The issue is that

she almost never comes in conflict with Shrek himself. Yes, exactly. They're always like cutting around that. She's more in conflict with the king and Fiona. So she's basically like, look, take care of it. You know, you have to get rid of the Shrek guy. And basically, he goes to this club, this bar, to hire an assassin to get Shrek whacked. He goes to the Bing.

Yep. He goes to the Bing. Yep. This is kind of insane. Assassination order. It's ridiculous. Also, because, like, you already have Prince Charming, who is the son of the fairy godmother. He was like Jamie Lanister of this kingdom. He's like the best swordsman. Exactly. He definitely.

he definitely does have him just kill shrek yeah what's the problem you're a big brave prince yeah but i guess the idea is if it looks like an accident fiona will be driven into prince charming so i guess i guess if it's the murderer of her husband she wouldn't be as into it i guess that's an argument prince charming has a fucking really dated line uh in this little mafia ride along where he's like he supports the iraq war you know i i mean i think i Anyone who is against it will have egg on their face in like one year when this thing's over, guys. Look, we did it for the right reason. It just wasn't done right, okay?

It didn't go the way I thought it would. Saddam had to be taken out. I mean, he just had to be taken. He says that, like, when he went to Fiona's tower, all he found was it, quote, some gender confused wolf. There is a lot of that in this movie. Is that right? It's everywhere. Well, the ugly step sister.

The ugly step sister coming up. And then Pinocchio is wearing ladies underwear. and that's a gag too. Oh, that's right. There's just so much of like, oh my God, could you imagine if men either dressed as women or identified as women or...

But Steve, could you imagine? Wouldn't that be the... I'm slapping my knee laughing at this stuff. When they get to the bar, I will give, again, here's another positive note. Like, in the first one, they bastardized Leonard Cohen's

Hallelujah by just making it go over images of them farting and kissing and whatever. Barton and fucking... But this one, at least, they use both a Tom Wade song and a Nick Cave song but they give actual characters

like Captain Hook is singing for Tom Waits and Captain Hook sings for both of them which is kind of bizarre where he turns from Tom Waites he'll come in and he's singing a little drop of poison and then later in the movie it's People Ain't No Good by the Nick Cave

and like so this guy is just either doing great covers or maybe he's like well you know even for this song this song I'll probably sing like this what if this song I had a weird Australian accent That's kind of fun. Well, when he's Tom Waits, he's dried out. Oh, I see.

I can't believe these artists agreed to this. Yeah, I, it checks at you. It's not good. This ugly stepsister who, like, runs this bar. Yeah. The drawing of the ugly stepsister looks like Artie Lang with face makeup on. It's kind of funny. And this is Larry King, yeah?

Is it Larry King? I think it's Larry King who does the voice. Yeah, I think that does kind of ring true. Yeah, I think that's for real. You got to get the bagels at Fairfax. So he got, Shrek question, what does Fiona have that really makes you love her? Confirmation, Chris Cabin is correct. Wow.

We busts in the water from Shrek York. King, whatever your name is. Did you lock Fiona in the tower? Expand on that. Expand on that. That's actually a better move as if it's the ugly step-sister. And it turns out it's literally just Larry King. Just to end up that.

With the suspenders, with the glasses. That should have been, yeah, that's the joke. Yeah, exactly. That's a joke. But so he's like, give me the best assassin you have. It just so happens to be Puss and Boots, Antonio Benderis. Which I think is the best part of this movie. Well, first of all, it looks a lot like my cat, which you've discussed on other episodes.

Anytime I'm watching my cat on screen, I'm like, oh, that's adorable. I thought this was why Eric liked this more. Because there's a cat featured. I do think this movie is better than one. I think it's one of the rare sequels that is better than the original, but it's still garbage. The cat is nice. There's a bit later on in the movie that I did like where they parody cops.

Oh, the night. Yeah, yeah. And they're pulling off a dime bag off of Puss and Boots that's Catnip, and I got a legitimate laugh. Oh, wow. There you go. It's a legit laugh. It happens.

It does. You're going to get a legit laugh. You're going to watch a comedy. It's also, Puss and Boots is also like the one. non-sexualized character in this. Yes. Until the end for a little. Oh, I'm sorry. You skipped it. You missed the, you missed the stinger. The stinger, he's fucking

things. We'll talk about it. Well, there's a lot to talk about and why would you watch a stinger? Because I knew it was, like, I knew the scene was in the movie and it wasn't at the end. So I was like, it's got to be a stinger then. Yeah. It's John Cleese and he's like, oh, hey, big scary assassin. You don't know what it is. And it's like,

you see like in shadow, like feet on a desk. And it's, it's Antonio. And he's, I mean, he's having a, he's having a fucking blast in this movie. What I always liked about this character, and I realized rewatching this last night, I know for a fact that I've seen this movie multiple times, I remembered almost nothing about it, which was really stunning. There's nothing here. It's like, fluff. But it's weird, though, because I expected going in to be like, all right, here we go. Yeah. And I was like, oh, fuck, like, I have no idea what's going on.

I don't remember any of this movie. But what I've always liked about this character is that they let him have like little cat things. Yes, yeah. So, like, I like that he, like, just has to stop and, like, spit up a hairball. Yeah. I don't know why that works for me. Maybe I should keep watching that Netflix show. Or the cat eyes thing.

Yeah, like, all that stuff, like, they fuse parts of, like, the actual animal. And he's well animated, too. Like, it's a... He looks pretty good. Yeah. He holds up. The, um, so the thing is, like, I'll do the job for you or whatever. And the thing is, like... We are the only real...

Even less. I wish your little candle. During some... olive oil from my olive farm. Oh, that's all. Cat Stephen Ray is going to put you in a coffin. He picks the olives by hand.

He doesn't use the rake to abuse them. He doesn't use his claws to abuse them. I had forgotten that movie. Fuck you. Yeah, suck it, Kevin. We are mentioning previous episode, Life itself. Garbage town. So he's like, I'll do it for you. And there's this

thing where it's literally a mafia situation where it's like, he's like, oh, Shrek. Why don't you meet me tomorrow? Oh, by the back. It's like, oh, by the tree. In the forest, you'll meet me by a tree. It's even more terrifying, though. He's like, why don't you come with me on my morning hunt?

Yeah. Deep into the woods? No, I'm not going into the forest with you and a fucking gun. Dick Cheney shit. Shrek, why don't we go to the pine barons? Hey, Shrek, have you ever been to the meadowlands? Let's go. Let's go to a strip.

club, you'll get your knob polished and I'll have a good time and then, uh-oh, you're dead in the bathroom. Yes, let's go to the Bata Beauty and the Beast. You're getting good at these, Kevin. You should write a Shrek movie. You should write a Shrek movie. What are the extra ones?

So it's him and Donkey. They're in the woods like, oh, he was supposed to be here. He's out here. Puss and Boots comes out. There's a lot of fun business and, like, he thwarts him immediately. It's like, well, I guess I will be in the rest of movie now. Like, I like the character.

There's no reason for this character to be in this movie. Nope. They love the idea of it. Oh, it's a cat. He's cute. He's funny. He's dangerous.

And it's all poochy, but they have no idea why he would be in the movie. This character turns on a fucking dime from being assigned to assassinate this Shrek to calling him boss. Yes. Like within the same scene.

Yeah. When they're walking into the forest, by the way, I have to keep mentioning this. I don't know who the fuck they're for. They're walking into the forest and they're like, Shrek's like, oh, we're going to go meet somebody.

And Donkey is like, who are we going to meet? Is it Shirley Bassie? Yeah. If you don't know who Shirley Bassie is, she sang three fucking Bond songs. Like, who the flying shit is that joke for? Five minutes later,

Donkey's singing, ain't no stopping us now. This song doesn't exist in this fucking universe. But, like, specifically Shirley Bassie, like, is he just going to start singing diamonds or forever? Like, I don't understand why, of all the people, all the people that, when Shrek is like, we're going to go to the forest and meet somebody, the writers were like, we'll have donkey saved. Shirley Bassing. And like, there's like a six-year-old kid, like, yes. Oh, yes.

The Goldfinger theme song is my favorite. It's like if Coraline, if she went into the other universe and Hayah just started playing for no fucking. reason that doesn't happen to that movie does not happen in that i never saw it's a great movie i assume every animated movie's full of fucking crap pop culture nonsense hey not still good you're the one that's shout out at five seconds ago no hey uh no i know i'm saying he's the one that's like oh yes i know he just because it's not in the universe it doesn't fucking matter i love that in the little skirmish here before puss and boots is calling him boss there's a little bit of a fight and like donkey tries to help out. He just fucking donkey kicks

Shrek and the Narts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. He's like, oh, no, you got them. You got me nuts. You hit me right in the nuts. Donkey says, of this cat, give him the Bob Barker treatment. What does that? Oh, neuter. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's something. Yeah. And then he's really, he's really scared that they're going to do it right there. And the, that Shrek's just going to bite him off. Oh, right? Like,

those, those detectives grab them. and put him on a table like fight clubs he's about to cut his dick oh no the rubber band around my balls

this is very bad if only my other look look I am Tyler Adurton okay let's just get out of these you know sometimes

I come in the bullia base and then I edit the movie so that there's a picture of a dick right in there you know the kids are coming to see

Shrek too and there's a big fucking dick you know that whole part of fight club i've always wondered about because like for that to happen sure like he's he's working at a movie theater where he's playing like a family film tyler durden needs to be in possession of his own personally owned 35 millimeter pornography film oh of course yeah it's the house with the cock in the walls now because like better movie by the way oh definitely it's just a

fucking staircase and jack blacks walking over there's a bunch of glory hole and these dicks are plopping out of them it wouldn't be a movie Eric it would be like a punch in Judy show and then the puppeteer would just show his genitals I'm puppeteers man all perverts all of them so he's like oh I'm so sorry I tried to kill you Shrek

you've beaten me in battle now I am your servant forever and it's like okay done deal and it's like oh part of the team buddy and he's like oh man I guess my father-in-law tried to kill me instead of just going to Fiona and be like, yo, your dad just tried to have me killed by this fucking cat.

He's like, oh, I need to go to the fairy godmother because she can fix everything because he's also like, immediately they have one stupid fight and he's like, well, she doesn't love me anymore, man. I can't be around or she doesn't love me. And he's like, looking at his shoes, he's like, well, I have to be a human now, even though we just went through this

shit in the last movie. She wants to fuck an ogre. She wants to be an ogre, and she wants to Fuck ogres. She doesn't want regular dudes. Listen, he's getting all these mixed signals now because she's back amongst her family. Okay.

He's starting to have doubts about the adventures of the first film and the lessons learned. Sure. You know, so... I do think that they should become human and just let it be. Yeah.

But at the same time, yes, Shrek is a wishy-washy asshole. A moody fuck that has like stomp off. So he goes, there's a Keebler Elves joke that just hits like a fucking thud. Well, the way that they call the fairy godmother is quite weird.

Oh, how's that go? Because Jennifer Saunders has given Shrek her business card earlier in the film with like a little riddle attached to it. It's in bone and the font is something called Silly and Braille. Oh my God, it's even got a watermark.

Shrek just stabbing a homeless guy American Shreco. Let's see the King's card. Shrek solves the mystery of the business card, like how to call, like summon her. And it's you have to cry to get a tear onto the business card. And the way he does it is he's like, hey donkey, think about

before we were friends and how you were fucking horrifically abused by past owners. Hey donkey, I'm going to chase you with a chainsaw. I have to return some videotapes later. Shrek's just threatening to put cigarettes out on him. Wait, we're not done yet. Don't just stand at it, donkey. eat it a donkey I mean but yeah

he makes the donkey cry yeah that's stupid the thing like calls her this is weird there's a phone thing right answering machine push and boots stomps donkey to get him to cry finally

which is good and they're also physical abuse the worst fucking joke is donkey is like jealous of Puss and Boots immediately and he says you know what there's

one annoying talking animal already in this book. I'm like, this movie is nothing but annoying talking animals, you piece of shit, stop it. The donkey thinks like they just added another poochy and he's poochy, but he doesn't realize we're all poochies. It's a world of fucking poochies. I think he's referring to the team. It would truly be a planet of poochies.

He's referring to the team, Kevin. Yes, but I am watching the movie. Yeah, well, that's not donkey's problem, cabin. He doesn't give a fuck what you're doing. man who wrote him yeah it is his problem donkey didn't write the movie it's well fair but he doesn't exist the uh so they go to her factory to the oh they got her at her we got her voicemail but we're just gonna show up at her job anyway oh man that's rude totally they go there there's things oh that's the old kepler factory that's a joke um and they go there there's like this assistant there's interesting

union stuff here but i don't know if it's pro union or anti union like the guy's like hey no one can go in and see my boss he's like oh well well We're from the union. And we're going to shut this place down, man. Yeah, it's weird to read because he's like, now the guy at the desk is like, oh, we don't even get dental here. And like Shrek is aghast by that, but he's just played a part. Well, no, yeah, Shrek isn't trying to bust the union.

Shrek is saying that he's from the union and he's like, we're here to make sure everything in this former cookie factory is up to union code or something. But there is the suggestion that anybody who is from a union. is essentially conning you. Because he goes in there and he's trying to steal shit. There's that. I don't know that.

It's a suggestion that anybody who's from a union is doing that. Ogres specifically. Ogre union. I mean, ogres lie, do they just lie all the time.

So whatever. She shows up. She's like, look, I can't help you get the fuck out out of my factory, basically. They go into the factory floor

and this is when they're looking for a potion that's going to make Fiona fall back in love, even though they had just had a fucking fight. You just have to fucking show up. Exactly. Talk to somebody.

You fucking animal. What an asshole. Fuck you, Shrek. They go in and donkey fucks it up, basic. Hey, pussy boots. You're an exciting new character. Can you do cool karate up to that potion? He's like, but of course, I'm an exciting new character.

Thank you for giving me something to doing this movie. I will do anything in this film as long as you make me a toy. Oh, can I, anything for my spinoff? Yeah, yep. Do you, hey, kids, do you like me? Could you imagine 90 minutes of just me? It's a, what about a series of 30-minute adventures?

Yes. Just me. Because it is a better character than Shrek or anything else in this. Because it's a fucking, it's a fully dimensional thing that's not being disgusting or intentionally annoying. And I don't have to, like, apparently you guys tell me the Stinger scene's all about. him fucking things but watching you this movie every single person in this donkey shrek human or otherwise has a sexual goal in mind and this character did not until apparently this fucking infamous stinger scene which you will never get to there's another one that i'll bring up when it

comes up but uh so like he gets there a donkey does something annoying which causes the the the uh the people in the factory to realize that they're there this alarm goes off There's a big chase scene to a Pete Yorne song. Cover of the Buzzcocks. Oh, is that right? Yes. Oh, man. Which, number one, you didn't ever need to cover.

No. And you didn't never need to put in a movie like this. Well, you could pay, you know, you can buy Pete Yorne lunch and he'll record the cover versus buying the rights to the Buzzcox song. Well, I think it's just a thing where there's a very specific world of music that you're getting. Adult Contemporary. Yeah. It's very adult contemporary.

And like Pete Yorne fits into that. Buzcox would not at all. Like Pete Yorne, Eels, all these bands that you're hearing here. Not adult contemporary. No, yeah, because like Nick Cave and Tom Waits. Yeah, that stuff too. It's all in this world of like kind of alt rock. Early 2000.

Yeah. And that's if you had the Buzzcocks in there, it just wouldn't work. Yeah, they just soft it up. Yeah, no, exactly. We did skip over. There is an Eels song. Yes. Earlier in the film, just to make sure.

It's a Shrek movie with Eels playing. Oh, that's from a Shad Sheen. A very Shade Sheen in the stupid movie. It's the scene where Shrek fucking reads his wife's diary. Oh my God. What a creep, by the way. Yeah, you don't do that. I'm going to read a 14-year-old girl's diary who I now happen to be married with

and start to apply that logic to present day. Fuck you, Shrek. He's a fucking piece of shit. Exactly. This guy is an abusive, an emotionally abusive asshole. Yes. Nobody should be around. He fucking shits on donkey all the time.

He should be killed. Jonah steps out of lines. Well, I guess I'll go fucking kill myself. He should. Who needs that shit? Who needs to be around that out? You know what? To be fair, Shrek tried to tell everybody that at the start of the first movie.

Yeah, that's true. Nobody fucking listened and here we are. If you mean a guy and he treats you like Shrek, not like, no, no, if he's like Shrek. Yeah. If he's, if he acts like Shrek, if he acts like Prince Charming, they're both fucking garbage. Yeah.

And you can find better out there. Don't settle for. Shrek or Prince Charming? Don't. Settle for Pussy Boots. No, you have to aspire to Pussin'wits. Excuse me. But like there's got to be better options out there. That's fair. I mean, this is an entire

magical kingdom. So they steal this one potion, which is a happy ever after. Right. Potion where it's like, oh, if we do this, if we drink this, then Fiona'll fall back in love with me. It's like, I'll change and she'll fall back and love me or something. He makes donkey drink some for us,

which is kind of fucked up. He's like, hey, Donkey, this might be poison. Taste my food. Also, I haven't seen my wife in 12 hours. She's obviously fallen out of love with me. Dude, you haven't forbidden. If this woman had a fucking cell phone, he would blow it up. Where are you?

When you're coming back? Here's another text message. Why are you hang out with your family so much? Oh, I miss you. Oh, you don't love me anymore. You know, the last time we talked on the phone, I heard you laughing with someone. Who were you with?

Who are you laughing with? Take a picture of your friends. I want to know. Take a picture. One of those Facebook 3D photos. I want to know where you are. Who's with you? You're laughing and lying in the mall food court.

I'm calling you an Uber. Okay. You're going to get in it and you're coming back. Oh, okay. So you sent me the photo, but you're laughing at me, aren't you? Like, this guy's a fucking shit. Text me. your pin. I want to

know exactly where on the map you are. You tweeted mean people, suck. Are you sub-tweeting me? Are you fucking sub-tweeting me? This is headed to divorce. There's no way this should continue. You do need magical potions to stay with not because he's an ogre. Because he's an asshole.

Oh my God, it's the beginning of social networks. You think a lot of people are not going to date you because you're an ogre. Let me rectify that right now, Shrek. It's because you're an asshole. I'm going to make a website where I can look up all the hot princesses at this school. Uh-oh, now I'm a billionaire.

Oh, oh, I just cost the election to people. Oh, but I might be friends with Rashida Jones at the end of this one. That's all right. The donkey's just like pointing I'm, you did it. You did it. In any event, he makes a donkey take it first, and then he takes it. They both pass out in a whatever in a barn. And Pussy and Boots is like, I guess I am stealing this movie.

That's exactly. And they both wake up. Donkey is now a magical stallion. Majestic Steed. And Shrek is a big sexy man that is fawned over by, you guessed it, big-titted women. Three different ones. One is Jill of Jack and Jill fame. She offers him a pail of water.

I don't know if there's any other. the Adam Sandler film. No, oh no. The only famous person to come out of that movie is Al Pacino. That's how you got it. That's my

Adam Sandler. Yeah, that was Al Pacino's big break with Jack and Jill. That's right. We're learning about this kid, Al Pacino. Dancing around on that fucking Dunkin' Donuts.

You hear about this great movie he's in? It's called Righteous Kill. It's got breakthrough. Still have it, still happy. Probably will eventually. What, Jack and Jill? Yeah.

I've never seen it. Oh, I saw that. I couldn't actually tell you the last, like, contemporary-ish Adam Sandler movie I've seen. I saw that Western one he did. Ridiculous six, yeah. I saw the Andy Sandberg one. Didn't we just do one a little while ago? I don't know.

Grownups five. Grownups two. I think that might have been it. I think that's kind of where I land also. I didn't see. What was the one you just said? I think it's, that's my boy. That's my boy.

Yeah, it's Andy Sandberg, him, and vanilla ice. Yeah, yeah. Doof. So they wake up and these ladies are like, oh, my God, Trek, you're so fucking sexy. Let me suck your dick. And he's like, no, no, I'm madded, ladies. And this is also where one of them says, like, oh, that name, are you from Europe?

Which is like, what is this world? I know it's supposed to be a fantasy world. Then why even define Europe? Yes, exactly. Oh, fuck. I saw pixels. Oh, that's right. We did an episode on it where we break...

I know people had mentioned this a lot lately and in general that like we said, oh my God, a guy like Kevin James, someone uncouth like that never could be president, and we were wrong. And Paul Walker got blown up in a fucking fiery explosion. This is just going to turn to Eric's therapy session.

We're sorry, everybody. More horrible shit's going to happen because guess what? You got born in the wrong planet in the wrong century. Yeah, it's like, oh my God. Do you remember those old episodes? No one could have guessed that Steve

shot in the bag of the head behind a Chinese restaurant. But it fucking happened in 2020. Exactly. That's going to happen. I'm telling you now that I am going to die. Which reminds me, Steve, in three years, do you want to get dinner? Oh, yeah. Great.

I love Chinese. And it doesn't count. Like God, they didn't get dinner. Sweet at them. The Meyerwood story is new and selected, which Sandler's can, but it's no, bomb-backs movie. Because he goes, hop-de-d-do-do-do. It doesn't count, right?

There's no he-bed-de-de-de-de-de-de. I'll wait a second I saw that I saw the David Spade movies Oh god That one were the Netflix Yeah

Assassins or something I forget but yes The Kevin Jane Wait No no that's him And like The doover No yeah

I think it is Yes the doover It's like David Spade Is like a loser And he's got Oh wow What a stretch

He's got fat kids Oh my God Get me out of here Adam Sandler You're so cool Yeah And he does But

So they wake up And like These ladies Are falling all over Like literally They're being really sexual to Shrek and he's like no thank you and they're like

wow we got to go but Shrek his old clothes don't fit him that well anymore so like there's a gosh we need to find Shrek some clothes business and this takes way too long they hold up a stage coach and they dress Shrek in the driver's wardrobe and it doesn't fit and then they have to

mug also the passenger who turns out to be the son of the driver okay before that the three women like gasp in anticipation to see Shrek's balls. Well, no, yeah, totally. I mean, that's what I'm saying. The blowjob joke is a joke, but I mean, they're really like, oh my God, I want to fuck this.

Like, this could have easily veered into hardcore pornography. Easily. Rouse back. She's fucking Shrek 2. Fiona, by the way, on the other hand, the thing is like, oh, when you take this potion, it also affects your wife for your true love. Oh, right.

So she also is now back to being a human. And John Cleese is like, thank fucking God. I don't have to look at that shit. Oh, wow. Nogged a bullet. I thought that was forever, honey. No, didn't they dose her? They dosed her tea. No, no, that's... Oh, no, no. That was to, like, continue it, and John Cleese

doesn't do it. No, the tea dosing is a different thing. The tea dosing is... To get her to love for John. To get him to go back to a frog. She, no. They're trying to dose Fiona's tea, and the potion in that is she will fall in love with the first person she kisses. That's why Prince Charming

later in the film whilst pretending to be Shrek is trying to kiss her so bad because then she'll be she'll be drugged for the rest of her life being tricked into thinking that she loves this person who's also lying about who he is which is kind of just like the end of revenge of the nerds yeah oh no you revenge

it's a serial revenge of the nerd I mean so basically there's some montagey stuff he gets clothes he gets back to the castle two fucking changes and the cover of this This was terrible. Bowy apparently loved this woman's cover so much that he volunteered to do backing vocals on it.

Isn't it Amy Man? No, it's not. No. It's like some other lady. Whoever it is, they had something on Bowie. I don't know what it was. He's dark and deep. I'll look it up for you, Kevin,

because it's not Amy Mann. Oh, no, not those pictures. I guess I'll be in Shrek too. Chet, oh, God. Oh, no. It sounds almost like... Performed by Butterfly Bouchet featuring David Bow.

It sounds like the wiggles to contextualize it for people. The kids? Yeah, it sounds like stupid baby music. Exactly. It sounds like we're a bunch of stupid fucking babies. Someone's playing a xylophone. I guess we are. So he gets there and the fairy godmother

ushers them off to a different part of the castle, locks him in nefariously. and then Prince Charming is like oh look baby it's me Shrek yep and she's like what oh my god you sound like Rupert Everett and he's like who and it just you know obviously doesn't sound that way but that's how like that has to stop immediately

because she has to be like hey I've been an ogre and a person and I just sound like Cameron Diaz the entire time why did my husband change into a person and now he sounds like fucking Rupert Everett Yeah pretty cool by the way Cameron Diaz and Rupert ever being in the same

movie. Oh, right. Best friend's wedding. Previous episode as well. This is the other thing we're sexualizing Puss and Boots by the way. What's what's going on there? Because she comes out and she sees Donkey as the stallion. He's like, hey, Princess.

He says, we're sexy, by the way. Puss and Boots is licking his crotch. And then she's like, who are you? And he turns, he's like, I could be anything you want me to do. Oh, that's right. That's right. It's that family guy thing where like humans need to fuck animals. I don't think so.

You know what? Just for me? I don't think so. I don't think so. I love the fucking animals. There, I mean, there's always a stupid joke where like Brian's like literally

having sex with women and it's like, okay. I always hated that. I always fucking hated that. I think there was a thread or at least an episode where he's like dating Drew Barrymore or something.

They're like just full on dating and it's like, yeah, that shows dumb. So, and that's more of that. There's a lot of family guy ask humor in this. I think this movie is pretty informed by it. Right, that was all the rage at the time. It was with the early 2000s. Which we can leave in the

past. I just want to let everyone know you're allowed to do that. Yep, you're allowed to move on. Totally possible. Um, so like now at this point, I don't know how Shrek breaks out of the thing. Oh, I can tell you. Oh, please. Because all his dumb ass little fucking friends come out and then we do a five years too late Mission Impossible One joke. Oh my God, yes. Well, the thing is he gets caught on Knights, which Eric we talked about and there's a white Ford Bronco

jokes that are old. That's literally 10 years too late. And also references the double homicide. Which is hilarious. You want to laugh at those two people

that were fucking senselessly butchered by O.J. Simpson. But there's actually good jokes in this nice sequence. I like the pepper spray. Yes, there's a pepper mill.

The pepper grinder, yeah. Yeah, being put right into Shrek's face, human Shrek's face. But there's also, there's also one that's weird where it's nights.

It's like these characters you didn't even have thought about an hour and a half which is Pinocchio and all the rest of them. They're watching this like, we're just hanging out of Trex House just sitting here.

Oh right. This is where they're watching TV. Yeah, they're just had... And the idea that it would be broadcasting live, who are you kidding? But these people clearly know nothing about fucking television operations. Yeah, they don't know,

they know nothing about television operations and also television. in the fantasy medieval era. I don't know, man. They show dog prize shows fucking on TV. You don't think they're going to show a big royal gala? No, but what's, no, no, no, because what they conflate is nights, which is a copse parody. Cops is a pre-recorded television show.

Then with, like, a news broadcast. Yes. Like, Cops was never live. No. Even a lot, I mean, I guess, you know, Saturday Night Live might be actually live. But, like, there are talk shows and other various. of the moment shows that are broadcast supposedly live, but they're taped a few hours earlier.

And even like something like the Oscars, there's got to be a little bit of a delay so that they could leap things. Yeah, exactly. So at the very best, they're seeing something briefly in the past. In any of them. And this is also where we get Puss and Boots

with the dime bag of catnip, which might be planted. I mean, he's Spanish. Well, doesn't he has some line about like, I'm holding it for somebody. Doesn't he say that? Yeah, he does say that. Something of that nature. He's an assassin.

Of course he has something. Yeah, of course. I got to chill out after the big hit. Have you ever lived your life? Taking other lives? Need a little something, man. Just fucking come down at the end of the day. This is the only real dank shit left. I only have stems.

Man, I would love to smoke weed with those vampires, dude. I bet that was pretty. fucking cool. Or a cat. Or Antonio Benderis. You're just Welcome to my house, Eric. Do you want to watch a cool movie and smoke some weed? Yes, sir. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to light this thick

icky, ekey spliff. Then we are going to watch the film Assassins and I'm going to give my own behind the sense commentary. That would be fucking odd. You know what? That would be amazing. That would fucking rule. That movie sucks ass, but I would love to do this. No, and he would be like, and you know, this movie totally sucks ass. Oh, my God. I love it.

Sylvester Stallone was a fucking asshole. I'm not going to suck your blood. Of course not. Why would I do that? It's just going to be an innocent vampire hanging out. No, we're talking to one hanging out with real Antonio Bender. We began with the vampire. Yeah, I know. But you're like three minutes behind.

I'm going to keep up. You need some of that catnip. Yes, that's the slowdown. We might get back to vampires when we're fucking like, it's now 3.30 in the morning. Would you like to talk about vampires? The thing is, I would love just to hang out with Antonio Baderas for a whole day and night. And I feel like I want to be a make-a-wish kid now. I got to tell you that guest room's got to be pretty sweet.

Oh, absolutely. You could just pass out here for a few hours or days. Yeah, a couple of days. Oh, my God, his estate, yes. He's got to go to Europe for a few days. He tosses me the keys. He's like, Eric, stay away. Just lock up when you go.

Or like, oh, leave it under the mat. Oh, my God. Yes. It would be Casa Day Banderas, dude, pretty badass. Would you like the best eggs Benedict you ever had? Because I'm about to make it. Oh, my God. Antonio.

Bandaris Benedict. This is a little bit of chorizo. A bandaris breakfast? Yeah. That'd be amazing. Him cooking us breakfast? Oh, sure, dude. Totally.

To feed the pigs. Oh, God. He's like, secretly, he's just talking about it. Oh, my God. believe they ate eight eggs between all of them when i thank you for banderas breakfast i'll tell you some cool behind-the-scenes facts of desperado i was going to give them an avocado but they ate the whole tree shit i'm out of food who wants dominoes right that dude eating trash pizza with antonio banderas oh no he wouldn't i'm just going to have this a spring water you enjoy your dominoes

I feel like my asshole would fall out if I ever even looked at that. Oh, this is what the... Oh, shit, I forget the pizza insurance. Excuse me, Mr. Domino's. I don't know how this happened. I just looked at the pizza and now I have diarrhea. Not uncommon with Domino's, dude. It's just in the air.

So whatever. This is where the Mission Impossible parody happens. And it is specifically that first Mission Impossible. I know that Mission Impossible 2 came out. What was that? In 2000? The first one? Or was it 2000?

No, no, the second one. The second one is 2002. But this is definitely the 1996 Bryantopoma because we have the fucking, he's flying down. Pinocchio gets, it's like Pinocchio's strings are doing it. And they're like, oh, we need you to lie Pinocchio. You know what? Pinocchio, say you're wearing ladies underwear. And he's like, I'm wearing ladies underwear.

And he's like, well, why didn't your nose grow? And it's like, ah. and then you are wearing ladies underwear and like he's like no I'm not and then his nose grows and like this some dad somewhere in a Hawaiian shirt is slapping that knee who gives a shit about what underwear people prefer to wear

yeah and he's a fucking he's not even a person he's a fucking living doll so it's the lot somebody has the line we gotta stop that kiss so they do they're like oh hey uh he asks uh the gingerbread man's like do you still know the muffin man and it's like the muffin man yeah so they go to the muffin man's house and this is there's so much stupid in this like one

sequence i just can't even believe he makes an enormous gingerbread man who's like 30 feet tall mongo yeah which is the blazing saddles were our friends um but while they're baking we get the nice shot of the exterior of the gingerbread man's house on Drury Lane by the way. And there's like lightning striking. It's a fucking Frankenstein parody. Did someone screaming, it's alive. I think the gingerbread man

screams it's alive. It's alive. It's alive. God, that is just so fucking stupid. You know what, guys? We don't need to watch Shrek too. We could just hang out. Yes, please. The fairy godmother starts singing the I need a hero tune. Yeah, and they're like, they're getting closer to kiss.

There's a Joan Rivers bit somewhere in here where in like... Oh, I think that's a while back. Yeah, it's a wild back. They're having like some sort of ball or something. It's a gala to get like Prince Charming and her together. Oh, I see. This is the new couple. Hey, everybody.

I guess they're coming out. We do this. Prince Charming's impersonating Shrek at this point. Like, hey, I'm Shrek. You know, I have no personality that resembles Shrek, which you think would be a plus. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, yeah, Fiona's running around like, he's not acting anything like Shrek. I'm like, and the problem is?

I went to the bathroom, no text messages. What are we talking about here? He's not super controlling over everything. I got lunch with a male friend, posted it on Instagram, and didn't get a phone call. The fuck is that? Is that fucking Gary? You're always talking about Gary from the office. Did you order sex for lunch?

In any event, yes. This is when the, what he called, the gingerbread man is, like, trying to storm the castle. Right. That's why they bake him in the first place, by the way, is to get around all the guards and whatnot. Sure. And they're, like, dumping milk on his head. That's dumb. And, like, it's actually pretty horrific how this thing dies, right, Chris?

Well, I mean, it's, you would think it's going to fall apart in the water. Yeah. Like, you think it does, like, that's the thing is, like, I was like, oh, this is horrific the first. Like, they pour espresso, a giant espresso on it. Oh, right. And that's supposed to melt it. Apparently it doesn't. Well, it rips his arms and legs off.

At the end, but then it falls into water. And you're like, this thing is going to fall apart to nothingness. Yeah. It's just born, magical being. And then it definitely, I'm sure they tried it and they killed like a Biscotti or something. It's tried this one first. Yeah, so they tried it again. But then later at the end of the movie, the fucking Mongo's fine.

He's singing under the water. Yeah, he's totally alive. All they got to do is pull him out. Yep. Oh, yeah, exactly. But like, why. you birth this beast into the world like

this abomination yes exactly it's abomination but like you're trying to get back to your lady fair or something but you're like I'm going to birth this fucking abomination onto the world that's going to destroy various buildings throughout far far away and then

lay siege to this castle it's extreme you know like you could just fucking you can find another way into the castle yeah I agree the most horrific thing to me is not that it's the fucking the fiery gum drop thing. Oh, right. If that thing landed on you, you would die at death that nobody should die. Oh, yeah. That's also why fucking Walter Peck and Ghostbusters should definitely be dead.

Because super fucking heated, melted marshmallow like that, just drowning you? It would, it would, like, melt your skin. Yeah, your skin's going to go by. That dude should definitely be dead. You're going to look like Hellraiser guy. Or maybe like the Robocop guy that it gets hit by acid. Oh, right. get off of me also when that when he gets hit with the fireball and it makes like the gumdrop button fall off

this mongo creature goes and it's like a Godzilla joke again you're just like making me think about other movies I'd rather be watching there's also jokes about like he stops to try to drink some of the far bucks coffee off the sign

He rips down the sign and how just don't look just don't look you know you should have got because there's so many pop culture references anyway it's all these guards trying to put him down you need to get like Harold ramis and ernie hudson and they're like trying to do it like if someone asks if you're a god you say yes yep yeah i need a ghostbusters joke in here you got to make a stay puff joke you're just doing it well yeah you literally just doing it so i mean they could have been the guys at the wall who were trying to kill manga that'd be fine fine. Nobody steps in a far bucks in my town. Let's roast them. Exactly.

It's something. It's all right there. So then they all, the Shrek gets into the fucking gala and all the stupid shit happens. Yeah. It's really fucking stupid.

Thank you for listening this week. Oh, wait a second, though. Another fucking sick ref when Mungo is like initially think he's defeated because he falls backwards into the river. As he's drowning,

And the little, the little gingerbread man's like on him. And then like someone quickly scoops him up and saves the little guy. He fucking does be good from E.T. as he's drowning. Fuck that. Don't make me think about a time I cried during a Stevens Spielberg movie. What a much preferred a pray for Mongo. Yes. Yep.

Yeah. So they get in and like, um, uh, Prince Charming steals a kiss from Fiona. It doesn't work because they're not true loves and she sees Shrek. No, it doesn't work because the king. didn't do it. Oh, that's right. He fucking chickened out and didn't poison his own daughter. That's a good idea. Poisoned himself instead. They kiss, nothing happens like what?

And she head butts him. That's her like, because I mean like Cameron Diaz is just not in this movie. She's not at all, which is unfortunate because she's one of the best parts of the first movie. She head butts him yay girl power. That's the end to him. And then like basically the what do you call it? The fairy godmother

tries to zap Shrek. Oh, right. The king jumps in front of it. But he's wearing like mirror armor, which makes it bounce back at her. She turns it to nothing. Second Shrek movie in a row where like the villain has a horrendous fucking death. She's in the

bubbles. Yeah, that's kind of disgusting. That's horrible. What a way to go? Do you just made of soap? Weirdly like you'd think it would reflect back at her and it would take care of her, but then it also fucks up the king and he reverts back to what I guess he was the frog prince

of fairy tale lore. Yeah. Well, their agreement was canceled. I assume after that when she turns into fucking nothing. Oh yeah, maybe that's what did it. Yeah, that's what I assume. Right? Like her death yeah, nullifies the whole thing. And then he turns it to a frog

which calls back to a scene in the bar where fucking the king is sitting at the bar with Larry King and the lipsticked frog says do I know you because the frog fuck

the female frog. Do you get it little kids the fucking frog kissed and fuck the lady frog enjoy that shit there's definitely a few tadpoles out there because now i forgot those are little tadpoles eric they're not the big ones yeah but frogs they come out tadpoles well also i mean we're talking like 30 40 years at this point this they're probably full on he's got full on frog sons you got frog sons all around they're probably already dead or run over by cars or whatever trampled the uh so that's that that there and Shrek goes up to Fiona this is like the emotional thing

in the movie where it's like look I turned into a fucking human being for you look at my over animated chest hair isn't that a bit too much yeah it's kind of gross also Shrek as a human kind of looks like wreck at Ralph

yeah he does just the slightest bit so they're like look do you want to stay as he's like I turned into a human this is what you want she's like no you idiot remember the last fucking movie but I sent you an email and it took you like an hour to get back to me, that means you're mad at me, right?

And she's like, no, I just had fucking shit to do, you fucking creepy dude. I called maid Mary and she said that you were at her house the other night. So he's like... By the way, they have till midnight is the whole thing. The spell is going to wear off. Do you want, if I kiss you now

we'll stay like this forever and say, well, don't kiss me because I want to turn back into an ogre. Yeah. And they turned back into ogres because that's been the fucking point of the last movie and it's the point of this movie, this is the land of spells curses hexes and otherwise

if you change your mind man there's always a fucking sequel you can take another potion it does not matter does not matter at all so we get there first it was the fairy godmother did we need I need a hero we go into donkey

and pussy and boots doing living LeVida Loca which was of the time I I believe, or not. 1999. That's close. That's five years.

We got Mission Impossible at 1996. Live in LaVita Loga came out in 1999. Actually, that might be the exact Eric. This might be the exact difference between, what was it, the Macarena and the first one. Time period, it might be the exact same. Cabin, you're totally right. It's too much. This is the part of the movie where I'm just like, should I put a syringe into my face?

And that's. See, this is the part. I don't know. Sucker push. You were so disgusted. You're like, well, that's the end of the movie. You hit stop. What you missed was, ladies and gentlemen, the stinger scene.

Sure. You know, was this like mid credits? It's mid credits. Mid credit. Not very end. Did you guys watch all the way to the end? Yeah, I did. Yeah, there's nothing.

I fast forward to the idea. I mean, because they do, they're starting to do the credits during LaVita Loca. Yeah. And then this happens. Now, first of all, it begins with Puss and Booze and Boo. is going to fuck two women. Yeah, he's got two beautiful long... And then he's offering a burrow to fucking donkey.

And what's crazy is he walks in and he's like, oh, donkey, would you like to come out and party? And I was like, oh, okay. Well, so he's got like a lady for himself, right? Keeping up the hilarious gag of animals fucking human beings. Love it. And then there's also a lady friend for a donkey. But no, no, no, you're right, Steve. Because he says, we could find you a burrow.

Yeah. So it's like, oh, this cat wearing clothes and a hat and carrying a sword. It's about to have sexual intercourse with two women. It's astounding enough that a cat would fuck one woman. But a cat is fucking two women at the same time. It is outrageous. At least makes sense the cat went to a cat house. That makes some sense.

Your cabin, how is that joke that I just came back from the cat house? How is that not in there? Get me a fucking another cat with a bow in her hair. and it's like, this is my beauty sexy lady. We should also mention quickly that Prince Charming's ending is being sexually assaulted by Larry King. Oh, that's right. And it's hilarious.

It is, it is hilarious. Okay, so those Hillary. So that happens. And don't know, no, no, no, no, no, no. Shut up. You're getting ahead of yourself. You didn't watch it. So you're making assumptions. I thought you said you just had a big orgy. No, he, the invitation is there.

He's trying to, he's trying to get the angle on the threesome. He's like, hey, donkey, Why don't you come out? We'll find you a burrow to fuck. Right, yeah. Eric, you're out of your element. Which sounds like such a... It's like a five-way.

Like, okay, Pussy Boots is having sex with two women. And then the other corner of this darkened room is this donkey. Well, right, it's like a sex scene in Fargo. Yes, exactly. Or like any scene in autofocus. And then all of a sudden, this enormous... Duffa. We're making check too.

Or a six foot four date of... American guy comes in, takes his belt off and starts hitting pussy boots, you little piece of shit! You fucking weasel! Oh my God. Eric, what actually, now here is what you really want to hear. Okay, please. The dragon

comes back. Arives. Oh, right, because Eddie Murphy's like, no, I don't want to go out with you, Pousin' Boots. I'm really sad that dragon left me. Yeah. And Dragon comes back and they have a very loving like, oh, hey, I missed you so much. all those things. She like growls once or twice

and what flies down onto his lap but a bunch of donkey dragons little tiny donkey dragons. I'm not kidding you yes. A litter of them. How does this look? I'll show you because I fucking tweeted a photograph of it yesterday.

Oh my Lord. Because he's like his joke is like, oh my God, I'm a dad. I'm a dad. Oh, look at my little mutant children. He says the joke is my little mutant children. Oh no There it is, dude There's like six of them in reality

I mean that's just one of them I'm gonna puke I mean like you know what Everyone If you've turned off this episode already Which is fine You're like oh god Those guys are obsessed with sex

You know why do you What's what I'm saying That's the thing The movie's obsessed with sex They don't need to have children You know If donkey and dragon Are in love with each other

That's fine They're fucking Fothering children you know how you fix this like oh hey shrek you know i'm donkey turns out i'm a mule i can't have kids problem solved and then i don't have to see those fucking godless abomination you didn't see it you turned it off you just showed me a fucking photograph and that's enough enough shrek enough apparently though i saw some poor bastard on twitter was telling me uh he was working somewhere and like when that came out like

I guess DreamWorks really tried to make those things like the thing like they're like the minions of the time and there was like stuffed animals of them. Who would want that in their house? I believe they're featured prominently in the third one. I bet. I bet they're all because he's little scamps.

Because Shrek is trying to make a baby Shrek. But that's what you're left on. That's like the end visual of the movie is him just covered in a bunch of his offspring. They all like they like jump on. him like daddy daddy yeah it's vile it's horrifying well i mean if it considering that the next one is all about them birthing a shrek baby it is kind of like the the uh the stinger with thor and doctor strange meeting like this is what's going to happen next time guys get excited more abominations

for everybody cabin you just gave me a great idea man because on our our commentaries recently with the twilight movies going along with the theme of monsters trying to have children maybe Shrek the 3rd is a common too yeah I'm just saying Patreon.com slash we hate movies it might be there

Shrek the 3rd how many were they were four theatrically released four theatrically released there might have been like a Christmas one there's all sorts of special

but I don't know if those were released in theater I think those are all TV things because it was Shrek they've been mulling around a fifth one which might actually still be in works is that right

or a reboot maybe I doubt reboot it. That makes total sense. I doubt they're going to reboot it. Mike Myers. With Red Beard from Game of Thrones or whatever the fuck his name is. Oh yeah, that guy could definitely play Shrek. Redbeard. I mean, he played

Thormond Giants Bay. Yeah. He's in Force Majure also. Yes, he's great in that. And also, he was in the Fate of the Furious, which is the previous episode. He's a piece of shit in the movie. No, no, no. The movie's a piece of shit. Oh, yeah. That guy, I'm saying, seems pretty cool.

I'd love to hang with that. Exactly. I'd fucking smoke weed in his guesthouse. Would anybody recommend Shrek 2? No, no, no, no. And I actually think that this is actually, the animation is better. Yep. This is worse. I think the message is redundant and diluted and confused. The pop culture stuff is amplified.

It's just not for me. It's a no. It's also incredibly boring. Yeah. That was the big take. you lose a lot of like the stuff that made me want to vomit in the first one but this one is just there's nothing

happening other than puts in boots yeah Vendaris rules yeah he's good and uh but like yeah toss this never watch it I actually think this is top to bottom a better movie than Shrek 1 all right and it's still not worthy of a recommendation but I did

I was surprised legitimately surprised watching this that it wasn't as what I deem as bad as Shrek 1 interesting uh yeah don't watch this movie you know uh i'm sure if you have kids out there maybe you've already been forced to watch stuff from the shrek i don't know we're in minion verse i don't know if i don't know if we dip it back into shrek land yeah i don't know if little kids are watching this i mean i have a little nephews that no one's talking about shrek are they watching the puss and boots netflix show text them right now i'm not gonna text a child at 10 o'clock

at night shouldn't text a child ever yeah related or not don't be texting jill uh yeah now i think it's a total fucking piece of shit i remember seeing it and the thing and i will admit to this i remember seeing it in the theater and enjoying it and looking back it doesn't hold up it's fucking weird and it's whole like you were college aged yeah i was like what 20 something years old when this movie came that yeah yeah enjoying it i did i remember enjoying it i remember specifically sitting in the theater when uh the the big cookies yeah walking, you know, and I was like, this is fucking cool. Oh, wow. Academy

Award. I sure hope this becomes the first sequel to be nominated for Best Animated Feature. Last night was the first time I ever watched this. First and last for me. So yeah, 2010 was Shrek forever after. Plotline, Rumpel Stiltskin

tricks a midlife crisis burdened Shrek into allowing himself to be erased from existence and cast in a dark alternate timeline where rumple rules supreme stop great movie oh there's no resolution I guess I just never existed

whoa you got John Hamm in this movie Jane Lynch Craig Robinson Lake Bell it's a wonderful life Mary Kay plays Kristen Schall I'm sure we'll get it Meredith Vieira Ryan Seacrest O' Larry King is back

Yeah of course there's a bunch of fucking piece of shit celebrities Regis channel fucking yawn oh great where's carson daily playing an elf fuck you shrek that is shrek too from 2004 directed by andrew adamsin kelly asberry and conrad vernon if you want more we hate movies head on over patreon dot com slash we hate movies oh let's talk about what's up there for this month we've got death wish that's right 2018 bruce willis snoozing through emotion picture right and what

else do we got going on. Chris Cabin, it's something that's tied in to this movie. We are going to do an animation damn nation on the Netflix Puss in Boots that ran for six fucking seasons. Every time I see that number, I'm shocked. And we're also doing obviously another Nexus, which we're doing City on the Edge of Tomorrow. Forever. City on the edge of forever. I always get that on. See on the Edge of Forever. And elementary dear data. So one classic episode of television and one of the worst businesses you should have ever seen. And yeah, and we also have the Twilight Mentary that dropped late last month.

You could still get that. Positive reaction to that, by the way. People like listening to us get drunk on the air. I want to mention, like, if you're not familiar with the commentary tracks we do or the Nexus, there are clips of these little sample clippings that you could find on our YouTube channel at YouTube.com slash we hate movies.

In addition to that, you can also get the mailbag episodes almost a month early. basically a month early. And there's some visual gags going on. You want to watch them, I think. That's right. So that's what's going on over on the Patreon, on the other side of the paywall, as it were.

So check that out, support the show. We would greatly appreciate it. Now, as always, we hate movies rolls on, never missing a week here on the show. Steve, what fucking wretched undertaking are we getting ourselves into next time? 17 again. This is Zach, what's his face, Ephron?

Zach Efron and Matthew Perry. So until next time with body swapping magic. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Say that. Chris Cabin. Eric says, Take it easy.