We Hate Movies - S9 Ep421: Episode 421 - Space Cowboys

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

On this week's episode, the guys blast off into outer space to talk about the Eastwood-directed, old-man astronaut movie, Space Cowboys! What in the world is with the ridiculous dubbing at the beginning of the film? What's with Marcia Gay Harden laughing at Jay Leno? And was Cromwell crooked or what? PLUS: Is anyone watching that Mötley Crüe movie on Netflix? Space Cowboys stars Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, James Garner, Donald Sutherland, Marcia Gay Harden, and James Cromwell; directed by Clint Eastwood. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program, chill your insurer and strap on your adult diaper because it's space cowboys. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zadak. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. For those of you joining us for the first time, this is a comedy show where we use movies as a jumping off point for ridiculous conversation. You think someone's searching for space cowboys and coming across this? There's always somebody's searching for something. Or somebody's grandson hooked them up with the internet, and they're like, well, I want a podcast about the space cowboy. Oh, I loved that movie so much. Which is now they're not talking about Korean wars.

This is, of course, Space Cowboys from the year 2000. We're a real 2000 kick. We are. We're having a lot of fun with that year. Oh, yeah, that's three in a row. Dude, where's my car? Final destination. And final destination now this?

fucking crazy man Patrick, dude Yeah The 2000 hat trick indeed directed by Clint Eastwood Of course Mm-hmm Yeah

My stamp is all over this movie This like I know people Really don't like But this was really the dregs Of his career Well this is when he This It's this

It's absolute power This was Blood work It's ridiculous I think all these movies Are well reviewed though for the time No they're not

No because This one did This one was. This one was. But people, and I'm not looking at Chris Cabin when I say this, people just give Chris Clinicewood a pass on everything. They give me a pass to. No matter whatever he does.

Like The Mule. Yeah, the Mule. Chris, you like all of his movies, right? You liked fucking Jersey Boys, Chris Cabin. That is downright unforgivable. I like your Jersey Boys. It's definitely not my favorite. American Sniper?

American Sniper. The Mule, I do really like American Sniper. Although I will say this about that movie. Not a fan of plastic babies. In general. But, like, I do think it's an insufficient movie about Chris Kyle. Sure. I think it's a really good movie about war.

I would just say it's an insufficient film. That's fine. That's fine. But I will even cop to this run is the worst. It's really bad. Well, this is before he did, like, the Mystic River run is when, like, he gets back into prestige territory. And he's getting nominated for Oscars, like, almost every other year at that point. Yeah.

But this was like, yeah, this was like, Unforgiven happened. And, like, it kind of erased, like, the Cadillac Man. world. But he was a serious. Now the Cadillac Man timeline. Exactly. Bishop came back from the alternate timeline and you're being C on his face and erased Cadillac man.

You're not thinking, you're thinking of pink Cadillac. Pink Cadillac. Cadillac Man is. Tim Robbins. Oh, is it mixed up because of the Cadillacs. Yes. What would be used of Cadillac? I just want to have a look real quick because it is an interesting like era.

Well, this is just what he's, I'm making movies for. grown-ups. Unforgiven. I forget what's in between and then... A perfect world or a beautiful? Perfect world. It's unforgiven, a perfect world and the Bridges of Madison County, which is a great movie. That's a prestige run as well. I haven't seen Bridges of Madison

County. I know it's been talked about a lot. Now, that's like a pornographic film? Yes, Eric. It's rated triple X. I've seen the poster. It looks... I'm fucking on a bridge. The most facials in any movie ever nominated for an Oscar. And by that, I mean

close-ups. You're going to take it in the ass on this bridge. Merrill, are you ready for your facial? It's a close-up. That was 95, but then 97, absolute power and midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Wolf and Wolf again. 99 true crime. Then this. Blood work. And then Mystic and then Mystic River hits that, because then you got Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby, Flags of our fathers, letters from Iwojima, Changeling, which is a fucking boring show. shit show. Letters from Ewo Jima might be his best. I love letters from Mujima. I like Mr. River a lot. I'm a big

Mr. I'm not in doing. I loved that movie. I still do. That's a fucking cable afternoon. It's Sunday. You're about to make some dinner. That's on TNT. Yep. Honey, don't touch it. Turn the stove off. The noodles can sit. What was that? Big line

from that movie. Vampies. Is that my daughter in that? Yeah. Yeah. Or I'm talking about vampires. One of the other. you know what's a terrible movie of his Hereafter That is about it Oh I still haven't seen that

Matt Damon's a psychic And he's in a fucking tsunami Oh right Yeah yeah Well that kind of brings us back to this Because I think that Clint Eastwood should not touch Science fiction or fantasy And this is kind of a sci-fi movie

No this is realistic In fact in the IMDB Tribune Oh thank you for bringing this up An astronaut saw my movie And he said it was really real I love that It's just a couple of astronauts that saw this movie said

the space stuff looked real. That's the thing. Is there like, space looks real. It's just a bunch of stars. Some astronauts were polite to an old man who directed a movie. Yes, and also were invited to the premiere. They got to meet Clinties. It was like, wow, it looked like space

up there. And if you look at those pictures, dude, it's those astronauts, Clinties they all showed up, and Jason Alexander was at all. He was at all. At night opening on Twitter. I'm pretty sure he was at the original screening of greed. So this is like the late 90s, early thousands

astronaut craze we had, I think. It's that, but it's more disaster. Like, I mean, like, you don't really get much of the disaster until the very freaking end. The tone stuff is fucking nuts. We were into, we were into astronauts back then. What are the other not movies? Apollo 13.

Knots of the aughts. Nots of the aughts. So it's like 95. That's what he started a dog. But then you got Armageddon and you got deep. impact. This. There's got to be other stuff.

Red Planet. Rocket Man was part of this. Mission to Mars. Right, the two Mars movies. A bit of an astronaut race, but it was more like realistic astronauty stuff. John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars, I believe, was around here. Yeah, that's sprout right here. Yeah.

That would be a good movie if it didn't have one of the worst soundtracks in human history. It's pretty bad. Yeah. But this is about four older gentlemen who missed their shot to go into space as younger gentlemen. and blackmail question mark their way to go to space and it's mostly the training montage until it turns into a space thriller.

They hold the world hostage. They might say it pretty much. Oh, well, I guess this satellite will just have to blow up the earth then. Well, it's ridiculous because it's like space garbage is going to fall into the Earth's atmosphere and if it doesn't burn up, maybe it'll hit the ocean.

And you're like, okay, fine, but you don't realize what the stakes are until like 75% of the way through the second act of this film. I don't know if I'd agree with that because this is on fucking Cromwell that he doesn't tell them what the fuck is up there. Like, then they might be like,

oh well, fuck, yeah, get the fucking young kids up there. Cromwell says he doesn't know. That's a thing that the movie doesn't spell out is whether, like, how crooked is James Cromwell in this movie? I think he's in on it the whole way. By the way, I think he was one of the most unsettling old man voices on a young body. Because he's trying like a southern accent in this too.

It's very weird. Yeah. So let's start with the 50s. Right. So 1958, it's all in like blueish gray. That's how you know it's old. It's old timing. That's how the world used to look like. And this team of Air Force people, I guess, Air Force pilots, is project or team datalists.

And it's actors that sort of but not really look like their older counterparts but we are doing the old man voices dubbing these dudes what are you thinking

Clint Eastwood and we should say it's Clint Eastwood Tommy Lee Jones James Garner and Donald Sutherland correct as the horny one

as the horny one and you know I want to play the horny one and you've got an old man yeah that's right I'm just a young buck in my mid 20s mid like early 20s

and the Tommy Lee Jones one looks so young and just that voice coming out of him is just it is startling. Old men do not sound like young men. It's not even like I would just just A, not have this scene. Totally fine. I would got it because we are explaining this

scene the entire movie. You know how you do this? This is how you open this movie. The same way they open back to the future. It's Clint Eastwood's house and the camera is just panning over a wall of like clippings and photographs and it's like Project Daedalus sidelined NASA created. They send a chimps

into space instead with one of those Einstein breakfast this is my favorite one the JFK shop Marty don't turn on the amplifier this is the one where I kiss

Nixon on the lips I love the oh the brown estate burned and the entire Brown family went with it I live next door to a fucking Burger King oh no Marty what did you do you played the brown

Marty it's about your fucking kids can I just play a little clip of what clinic just because like you know we're doing the old Eastwood voice he sounded much different this is what he sounded like in the 1980s oh in the 1980s

see this cute little vial here it's crack rock cocaine the most addictive form you think it's the glamour drug of the 80s well that's the point of this front of a little reminder it can kill you And if you've got to die for something, this sure as hell ain't it. I'll have what he's having.

Yeah. Damn, that goes down smooth. So your point is, yeah, he doesn't, he sounds nothing like his old self. All right. Enough with the crack. Get me my cocaine in here and I'll do another tank. Let's go. He's pretty much doing Dirty Harry in that commercial.

Oh, yes, exactly. And Dirty Harry for Dare. But like, sign up for our Patreon, get the Patreon archive, listen to the first episodes of this show from 2011, 2010. We sound extremely different. Yes, it's unsettling. And that's only basically 10 years. Not even that, but you did that.

You're doing those great YouTube clips of older episodes. You're just doing it on Manus Steel, which is like two or three years ago now. And I'm like, who's that baby? And it's like, it's me. That's a stupid baby. I'm the baby. Gotta love me.

Yeah, we have a YouTube channel. We've been putting up clips and we got video mailbags and a bunch of other interesting stuff up there. You should check it out. So, Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones's young counterparts are flying this plane. Come on, Frank. We're awaited in Valhalla. Hey, Frank, it's me your 20-year-old running buddy.

I'm going to be in every outhouse, in-house. Shit house. You have a young man. I'm eating shit. Look, Frank, we don't got to talk about that handjob. It was just between me and you, two fellas handjob. Back in Korea. You gotta get off

I gotta get off Got a jack check Jack check check check Yeah there's nothing wrong with that That's just a sang Sang high handshake It's okay I'm old We'll say it felt a little sprightly

When you stuck that finger up my ass It wasn't gay Because we did it in the DMZ No him to me The The Yeah so that They crashed his plane

Well, Tommy Lee Jones crashes his plane. He's a bit of a hot shot. He wants to go as high as any human's ever been. And he's like, don't do it. And they do. And, of course, the engine's fail, blow, blah, blah. His plane fucking falls apart. As any human has ever been with this vial of crack cocaine.

But I say, oh, this is me as a young man. I sound like this. I, it's a younger guy. And I don't. It is insane. I've never listened to the DVD commentary for this movie. movie. I wonder if it's ever anywhere been addressed the fucking decision for this. It's like who could care? It's a rare because it does happen else. We've talked about another movie where

they do this and it's driving me nuts thinking about it. But if they do this, no. No. I do know. I do agree. But the funny thing is Eastwood even knows it looks like shit because most of the dialogue shots, the mouth is obscured in some way. Yeah. Because he knows and or like he cuts away and like right as someone starts talking you see the back of his head especially with like Cromwell later in this flashback. Because it looks so bad it's so obvious. That's what's jarring about the Donald Sutherland one because you see his

mouth the whole time. It's like a voiceover going on. Exactly. Well even do that like maybe they're inside their own heads like I remember back then you know what I mean like that's at least something. I mean I think Cabin whatever you're thinking of whatever other movie this happened

to it has to be a thing where it's a comedy and it was like Because I'm thinking of a thing where it's like kids, but they have the adult voices. A comedy, this is totally appropriate. I got it. I got it. Look who's talking. Wow. No. All right. Well, they do that, right? They do. Yeah, kind of. It's more of an inner monologue. It's like a baby talking like Bruce Wells. Yeah. Yeah. Nice.

But it's like telepathy kind of. No, it's just a stupid move. So he crashes. They're upset with each other. Eastwood punches him out here. Sutherland's upset because he has to stop looking. at pornography so he can break up the fight. What are you doing, dude? This guy's this guy's a sex addict and he should be in treatment. Yes. And Tommy Lee Jones character should be shot

in the head here. Because he just destroyed this plane to see if he can get a break up record for going high in the sky. Not only has he done this. We learned, A, that this plane cost $4 million in 1958 fucking

money and he has crashed three beforehand. You are talking. You are talking about a $20 million dollar Tommy Lee Jones. And then you're going to have a grudge against the government for not sending you into space. Of course not you. Three, four million dollar planes, Kevin? Twelve million.

There we go. And also I'm sorry, I didn't know we hate math here. Stay off the crack rock so you can do math properly. I hate math. I can't do it. I can't do it properly. See this cute little vial here? It's

crack rock cocaine. The most addictive do form. You think it's the glamor drug of the 80s? You didn't hit rewind. It can kill you. This is happening. And if you've got to die for something. Yep, it's going to keep happening.

I love it. So, yeah, big fight, they get grounded. They go into Cromwell's office. There's a big, like, hollabaloo over it. And much like the rest of the movie, James Gardner has nothing to do. Like, he's just, I don't, like, I understand you want to have four guys here,

but like, and that's the problem with later in the movie, movie is it's just the Tommy Lee Jones and Clinies which is fine just do that we don't need I mean I guess Donald Sutherland is being the comic relief and James Gardner is just totally useless do you think it was a thing

I mean because this was 2000 he was fairly fucking old at this point do you think it's a thing where it was like they got them all there and Garner's like yeah can only kind of do so much and probably shouldn't have signed on for this movie you know that's with older people they should do it like

you do with babies and have twins. The only way an older person can be in a movie is if they're twins, so half of them could do one. You don't have to worry about it. Split up that work day. You can get Ned Garner to come on set. Ned Garner. I mean, because by the time you get to the notebook in like 04, I mean, he's like a skeleton with a little bit of skin left. This was on the Tribune, the best source for all news. Absolutely. Is that they may point like Garner and Eastwood are so clearly older than Sutherland and especially Tommy Lee Joe

Jones is a young sprite Eastwood is 16 years older than Tommy Lee Jones which is crazy that's like you Eric hanging out with the 19 year old pretending to be friends Oh sounds pretty cool

This is all us telling you Just stop hanging out At the parking lot I have to unload all this vial of crack rock This cute vial of crack rock See this cute vial? See how cute it looks It's kind of like winking at you

isn't it you see this cute little detective yeah that's a detective Pikachu but it's the most dangerous form of Pikachu I think you're right that Pokemon shit it's addictive right like if anyone's ever was into like everyone watched that Pokemon movie in 2000 speaking of 2000 that's right they were they never looked back and you can't even talk to them like they're human beings anymore you see this little cute Pokemon that's a that's an addictive

that Pokemon will kill you once that jiggly puff hits your vase. It's over. That charm matter is going to char your life, fella. You're going to be chasing your first Pikachu high for the rest of your days. Pokemon Go. More like Pokemon Go to your grave.

I saw some some kid asked me if he wanted to get a squirtle. I'm like, hey man, I'm out of Korea at this point. I don't do squirtles with people. I don't take no Mr. Mimes.

So the final little piece of this flashback is James Cromwell's character gets them all on stage and it's like, we're shutting down Project Deadlist because this new thing called NASA has been created and it's a civilian institution that's going to take over space exploration and the first person or the first American

to go to space and he's like putting his hand on fucking Eastwood's shoulder. It's a great dick move. It totally is. They fucking bring out this chimp named Marianne, but he does. It is a dick move where he's like, yeah, he's got his hand over Eastwood. He's like, we're going to send him to space, and here she comes, and it's her. But it's like, you're calling the press conference to humiliate yourself only because it'll take down your enemy power moves.

Oh, absolutely. I'm going to destroy my credibility, but fuck that guy. Dude, it is point Cromwell right here. So we cut to present day, and this was something that was interesting. And you guys remember Marsha Gay Hardin? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's weird.

Like, I know she's on some TV show now that a lot of people like, I guess, that code black. She did. She also did this year, uh, it was Lifetimes race to the finish to beat that Hulu show about Mommy Dead and Dearest. Oh, is that right? Yeah, she didn't have the rights. The names were different, but it was the same story. Oh, weird.

Mother Dead and Dearest. Pretty much. Mother dead and damned, dude. Um, that show the act is fucking crazy. crazy, by the way. But that is some good watching. Not that Lifetime movie, which I've seen. I haven't seen the good one. I've seen the bad one. It's interesting, just like

we're talking about Eastwood and all these movies in like the early 2000s-ish. Remember when Marsha Gay Hardin was like everywhere though? She was in this. Pollock was this year. Mystic River she's in like two years later. She's very good in that movie. Into the wild. Yes. A bunch later's into the wild.

So I was like, oh yeah, she's fucking great. And I don't see her in things much these days. I mean, she just has the worst haircut I've ever seen in this movie. This is really bad. And in this movie, her whole character is like, I'm a fan of these old guys. I like these old guys. All the women are. That's kind of the weirdest part of they're all

like, oh, it's so cute. Yeah. It's like a crack vial. It's a cute little crack vial. Cute like a crack vile, man. That's what my parents used to refer to me as. Yeah, so she's learning that this satellite is going down.

is a Russian satellite. Am I right or am I right or wrong? Is she wearing a Kangle here? A Kangle hat? No, absolutely not. She has some weird hat in one of these scenes. And she's wearing Jenko's Shade wallet and she's smoking a cigar.

I think you're mistaking it for that little Lulu haircut she's got. This thing is ridiculous. It's like super bangs and a swoop and it's like really short. To Chris's credit, it looks like a hat. It looks exactly like a hat. It's a helmet haircut. It looks terrible.

It looks like, um, who was the guy on Mad TV that played the little boy Stuart? Yeah, that guy. That Michael, whatever the McDonald, I think. Yes, yes. That character had that haircut, I think. Kind of sort of. One of those, one of those sketch shows where an adult was playing a child. Yes.

It was this dumb helmet haircut. Why do they always do that? I don't know. It's never fucking fun. It's still doing it, I think. It grosses me out, man. It's disgusting. It does.

It's like now we're on the playing ground. Just thinking of Lord Michael's directing these people Oh yeah Why don't you be a baby That's a good idea Don't you be a baby Wouldn't you like to be embarrassed On live television

You know Mike Myers We're so happy to have you come back To host the show What about resurrecting your old character Where you played a baby Wouldn't it be funny If you played a baby Goo Goo Gaga

See exactly I just got skin shivers Yeah, it's disgusting Or was he Stuart And Michael McDonald's character Was somebody else Michael McDonald's I think was Stuart and then Michael Myers

was Simon Simey and he likes to do drawings Oh drawings Right And he took baths And he was on He was like tied to a jungle gym At some point

He was and there was a sketch Where he fucked Nicole Kidman or something That's birth That's a film birth Yes You think of the film Oh mixing up Mike Myers acting like a baby

And the child actor Cameron Bright Danny Houston was in that episode, though. I will say the best one of those that they ever did was with Danny DeVito, who played his little friend. It was Danny DeVito being Danny DeVito. And like, the Mike Myers was like, would you look at my bum, oh, me bum? And that was his thing.

And then it was Danny DeVito going to look at my ass. Yes, you want to look at my ass? I remember that. Yeah, it's just Danny DeVito said, you want to look at my ass, which I'm laughing. So Rates or Baja, by the way, is like the president of Russia or something. Real quick, Clint Eastwood should play a baby on an S&L or something.

Oh, my, yeah, go, Gaga. Yeah, the voice shit is the same. You know, I don't know if you ever hosted SNL. He should at least once. And it would make so much sense for him to play a child on SNL because Clint Eastwood would be obviously hosting a diaper. I'm known for my sense of humor. Yeah, exactly.

My last film was The Mule, and today I'm smuggling a log in these drawers. I shit my pants. So Rage Sabaedia, yeah. Yeah, well, sorry, but I'm answering a question here, according to his IMP to be, he has never hosted. Yeah, of course not. Because it's a little too lefty for him. Yeah, that's true.

I'm not going to talk ill of our president, unless we are talking ill of our president, depending on the decade. I saw what those comedies did to Hackman. I'm saying no. Yeah, the word comedy is a little close to communist for my taste. You know, I do most of my comedy. comedy with a chair.

If the chair can't be the musical guest, I'm walking. And musical guest, a chair! It's just a chair and like Lenny Pickett's playing saxophone next to it. That'd be awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, chair. Chair with stool. Yeah, we had a great night.

I want to thank Robert De Niro for coming in. playing Robert Mueller for no reason. I'd like to thank the chair, obviously. Ottoman, thank you. And stool, both of them, the one in my pants and the one on stage. So,

Rage Surbeza is like this Russian space agency guy. Sure. And he's at this panel where, like, Marsha Gayhartens explaining that this thing's going to crash and it's like, oh, we got to fix it. And of course, what is this problem? The guidance system in this thing is so old and it has to

fixed up in space, like, you know, hands on. Nobody who currently works for NASA knows this outdated technology. No one can fucking figure it out because it's so genius. Fuck you. Fucking 50 years later, no, you couldn't figure out Clint Eastwood's fucking engineering. Nobody left a notebook behind?

This is like the world forgot DOS. And now we have to have an old man do DOS now. Like someone couldn't fucking reverse engineer it in their head. Well, it's a boomer fantasy, Eric. You're right. You're right. It's just like, oh, yeah, they'll miss us eventually. Yeah, you need us. Well, you got to think that every character, every character that's like younger than 60 has memento. Like, like they just forget everything the minute they're off screen.

Right. This is a Lauren Dean plays the little stuff shirt here who played the same role in Apollo 13, basically. Oh, the guy who can't crack the system. It's that guy. And then he's also in enemy of the state a bunch. He's like a 90s-ish actor. Okay. You know what I remember is he's the asshole boyfriend from Say Anything. Yeah, he's just that guy.

Yeah, yeah. Like, he's just a guy that's got an unlikable face. You're like, yeah, let's do it. So, yeah, it's, what are you going to do? We got to go, who, who on earth could possibly fucking solve this dilemma? And it's like, it's basically Clint Eastwood doing home improvement, like the show home improvement for us. Ar, our politics don't really align, Wilson. Get off my lawn.

Pass me that hammer, ow. There's nobody else in the room. Yeah, Wilson's dead. I stood my ground. By the way, I also rolled over on my crack cocaine dealer for a shorter sentence. Jill, Jill said she was going back to graduate school, so I hit her. this is it's like some early signs of what is now just like full blown eastwood and present day but he's fixing this garage door opener and his wife is like oh you didn't even let me give

you the instructions and he's like oh those instructions from Japan probably written by a gringo translated by a Japanese guy who I probably shot at once and And then spell checked by another gringo who kind of knows Japanese. What are you saying gringo for? That's not the Japanese word for fucking English person. No, but what they do to save costs is they make an American in Mexico do it. It's like, what are you talking about, you fucking bitter old weirdo? And of course he fucks it up and it doesn't work.

And the government has to open? Is that what happens? The government opens the garage? No. I got a, oh, I'm a boomer in trouble. The government's going to bail me out. It's whatever

this dude, this young guy Ethan, or whatever, Ethan, yeah, is like, you know, oh, he says, oh, I found the garage door opener in your car. Because he, he, he used to hooks it up correctly, but he, I forgot to put the fucking Japanese batteries in it. Hey, but

it's all good news because he gets to almost fuck his wife for the first time in 20 years. Dude, he's pretty horny right here, huh? Well, they kind of have like joke sex for a second which I've never had joke sex yet I'm assuming that comes later later on where she's like oh help me

there's a crazy man and you don't know if they're actually gonna fuck or maybe not it's definitely they're gonna fuck she's doing a thing where she's like oh help me there's a dirty old man after me is the joke old man gets thrown I think she's sincere she's just not a good actor she says oh my god help me

I'm being attacked that's how old they are dude she's just got dementia This is my house No, it's not No, please leave Please leave I just looked up

Clint Eastwood was born in 1930 So I think he might be pre-boom Oh, okay He's a dust bowl baby A bowler A bunch of dust Came out of my mom And it's me

That sounds about right And I slugged an oaky That's what my terns look like now Dust Wood shavings and dust I'm trying to do dust It's my impression of dust That sounds right

Keep going. Keep it going. That's better. It's like teaching you to play the fucking trumpet over there. See this violet dust. Pretty cute, huh? Which I realize now, looking at his house and the whole situation, I realize what I should have done was been born in the 1940s,

30s, 40s, got to the year 2000, killed myself before everything. went tits up. That's the move. You want to be a retiree in the late 90s, early thousands. Absolutely. That's it. Once the Iraq war shows up, you're like, yeah, I'm good. Iraq war, new metal, yeah, I'm out of there. Exactly. And you've got a dope house,

you know what I mean? Probably got a second property somewhere else. Totally. Kill yourself before it's a fucking underwater mortgage. You see 9-11 happening and you're like, it's time. Yeah, you know what you get sold? You know what to get sold a bill of goods by Alex Trebek and the reverse mortgages. Oh, right.

Imagine being on 9-11 watching and be like, well, what's the worst kid can happen? Well, what could happen? So it's Marshall Gay Harden and this other dude. They're there to recruit Clint Eastwood to get him to, you know, weigh in on this whole thing. He has a line here talking shit to this dude. Put a sock in it, sunny.

Yeah. Not too bad. Well, he's also chewing on ice, which is the most unpleasant thing I've ever seen in a movie. Like, literally, John Waters never got there. for Clint Eastwood chewing on ice Listen, I will take Clint Eastwood chewing on ice Then what happens throughout the rest of this movie

Which is William Devane Chewing gum with his fucking mouth open Like a goddamn racehorse Yeah, it is disgusting He's got these fucking huge teeth Just chomping on this guy William Devane I was gonna get there Has the biggest mouth in Hollywood

That thing is a fuck, he's a jackalander Is that why the Trump got angry about the Kentucky Derby? the horse was chewing gum during the race? I think that's what happened, yes. This scene has something that opens a whole world for me with him. Because Ethan and the young guy and Marcia Gayharton are, they're showing him the prints of his design. And like, we need you to come in. We need you to like, look at this thing.

And he's like, oh, I thought you might be working for that piece of shit, Bob Gerson. And you see the wife in the background and you just know. Oh, yeah. For the last 50 years. Every little thing, it's been that fucking Bob Gerson. Yep, absolutely, dude. Every fucking opportunity Clint Eastwood has to bring up James Cromwell's character. He's been doing it.

You're at a party. It's like, oh, yeah, well, I just consider myself a people person. Did you say Bob Gerson? No, I didn't. Well, that son of a bitch took credit for all ends of the wife. You know, I'm going to bed. You know, my favorite composer was George Gershwin. Did somebody say Bob Gerson?

You know we're, I'm sorry, sir, we're all out of the flanked stakes and I did that fucker Bob Gerson take it. Piece of shit, Bob. He should have just killed him, right? Yes. It's just been like a crazy, crazy astronaut stalker. I was expecting because this movie turns into slabs versus snobs for the middle of it. A little bit, yeah. Just like a good old fashioned punch in the face at the end of the movie.

Like, you know what I mean? Plenty of punches in the face. Not to Cromwell. No, to Cromwell, like, where he's like giving a speech and he punched somebody, like, falls over an ottoman or something like one of those also because i'm pretty certain by the end of the movie it's confirmed that james cromwell's character is a traitor to lady america oh yeah well somehow the kgb got a hold of his files yeah we don't know how that works i'm a hundred percent like cromwell is crooked in this movie and i think they were like fuck this movie's already

two hours and ten minutes we can't wrap up this cromwell thing scenes deleted of him like going to the hague and shit getting executed probably james cromwell you've been now hung from the neck till dead finally take that gerson oh fuck this rope's on where you see how tall this fuck we just don't got enough i've been waiting 50 years for this day i volunteer i will just strangle him to death on this platform give me an apple cart i'll choke that scarecrow to death wait a minute i got it i'll be the platform i'll get down on my hands and knees you put bob gerson that rattle snake on my back and then when you got the noose around his neck I'll just lay on my belly he's not a flat well ladies and gentlemen welcome to New Jersey did somebody say oh fuck

so it's one of those really bullshit like he kicks them out like get out of my house they go back to Cromwell's office like well we couldn't get him and then Eastwood just waltzes right in he's like I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it my way and I'm gonna get get my team up there, which is, you know, sort of, I mean, and John Glenn just happened pretty recently. Oh, right, just happened? No, we shot him back into space, remember.

We did? I didn't remember that. That was a huge thing. Why did we do that? To see if he'd die. He forgot, he forgot his keys up there. Oh, son of a gun. My keys are back in space. No, it's because Frank Snatcha actually wanted to be flown to the moon. Oh, yes.

Sinatra died in like, what, 98? I think the Glenn thing was like 90s. Notcher went to space too. No. He's saying fly me to the moon. Ugh. Yeah, you're not going to hear any kickback for me on that. But so, yeah, he's like, I'm going to do it.

It's got to be my way, my team, et cetera, et cetera. So now it's like getting the band back together situation. Sure, you got to love these. It's so stupid. James Garner, again, I mean, like his only thing which doesn't come to anything, which is he's a preacher, that's something. Yeah, you would think, like, at the end of the movie he'd give, like a last rights or something

to Tommy Lee Jones or give a speech some comforting religious garbage but he doesn't no I think because he's like halfway full of shit like we're introduced to his character he's giving a really bad fucking sermon

sure like totally totally tanking yeah and it's his name oh right tank his nickname is tank he's beefing this fucking sermon until he sees Eastwood like sitting in one of the pews like you're fucking it up buddy and then he just tells this story about astronauts as his sermon and then it was like fucking finally like that's what i've been going to this church for 12 years for he said it can you just start recapping movies do indiana jones i was curious

it's tank is does that mean his brother's name is dozer or how does that okay yeah and cipher's still gonna burn you assholes like it or not you son of a bitch you're still going to burn oh man how about old man matrix that would

work so like Neil gets unplugged and he's in like the prime of his life

is a Keanu Reeves and whatnot but they got unplug some old

people oh hell I know kung fu you want to be introduced to the lady in a red dress

yeah it's also just still Joe Panteliano though yes I mean the steak

at 430 Yeah, load into my brain every combat move. Yeah, Glenn had gone back into space in, I think, like 98. Load in every Asian slur you can. Cram my brain with Asian slurs. Oh, no, I'm not. Wait, I've become the one. I'm seeing the slurs in code. Holy crap, there's two I hadn't heard of before.

it's like I'm God not like this not like this so Sutherland would be switching that scenario I think so all right

he's got the same kind of color hair so yeah Cromwell is in like instantly because why wouldn't you be Garner Garner rather excuse me

so then next we go to fucking Donald Sutherland man who's like now he's an engineer who designs roller coasters? He's not as young as Tommy Lee Jones, but he's significantly younger than the others as well. Absolutely. I haven't written down that he's a carney.

Is that not the case? He's not a case. No, he's designing these things. But the ponytail, though. No, this is like... He's king of the carnies, then. Yes. This is like, um, he looks like, I believe it was Martin Mull's character on the Simpsons.

Okay. I was... Carlin's character, whichever one had that pony tail? I'll tell you, give you two words there. Rick Baker. This is a Rick Baker. This is a Rick Baker. Yes. Oh, you're totally right with that fucking delet delicious white hair

into a ponytail. That's the biggest sin of this movie is when fucking Sutherland gets to NASA he's got a stupid haircut. And they're like,

oh yeah, Clint Eastwood shows up. He's testing a roller coaster. It's like, oh, what a fun old guy. And he's talking to this attractive young woman.

He's like, well, your dad sure does know how to design a roller coaster. And she's like, yes, he does.

And she doesn't, she doesn't correct him. Yep. She specifically doesn't correct him. And like, he comes down and they start

making out. You know what? Not the first time they've pulled this little gag. I don't think it's a gag dude. I think he's fucking his kids. Yeah, that's also possible. It's totally possible. That reminds me though, shockingly, and I think this actually happens more often than not with him in movies.

Eastwood, age-appropriate wife. He's good about that stuff. Yeah, but this woman is like 30 years old. It's not like Nancy Travis or something. Like someone was in their mid-40s and now they have to fuck Clint Eastwood in movies. Eastwood's good about that stuff, like in the mule when he has got that three-way with those younger girls.

The married Eric, the one he's married to his Diane Weiss. Hey, thank you for coming to my movie. Now you get to watch me have a three-way. Two, three-way. He has nobody three-ways in that movie. Sadly, those are like, they're heavily implied. It's just they don't show the actual fucking,

which is a problem for me. It's just him taking like his, his pants down from his mid-belly, fucking unshackling his goddamn belt. here we go again rollo custer every man's fantasy and the women are like yeah

and everyone's too but yeah it's not like Emily Blunt is playing his fucking wife and fucking the mule it's dying weeks what bother me about the mule and I'll just I'll stop here she has such an important role in that movie through and through

she doesn't get the end Andy Garcia gets the end and he's barely in that movie. Oh, that's what I'm watching it. You got to give Weiss the hammer. Give Weiss the hammer. But she's a bigger role. Like Andy Garcia's role is more minor. Yeah, but the and is like, and Diane Weiss. Well, you could do what Endgame did and give like nine ands and four widths. Those are some confusing credits at the end of that movie. It was like watching

actually a Saturday Night Live episode and featuring. And you're like, oh, these are the loser. It's old on. Dude, speaking of which, I tuned in to the Sandler episode of SNL just to like see what was going on and that opening montage I have not watched Saturday Night Live in... This is when he came back to host Yeah, just like last week.

People listened in the future. When Sandler hosted... Yes, when Sandler hosted that cast of characters looked like a poster for missing children. I had no idea who anybody was. It should be and fucking and Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller and fucking

Alec Baldwin. That's all the... Yeah, exactly. And the other guys that are dating celebrities. So, yeah, Sutherland's making out with this lady. He agrees to do it. He's an easy sell, too. It's just like, fuck it, it's another roller coaster ride.

Because again, these guys don't... Him and Garner only have one character trade each. He's really just, he fucks, and that's it. Right. And then it's, well, have you talked to Hawks? And right? Because he's also designing scary rides. Oh, right. There's a kid. There's a kid. It's his birthday. Not a kid. I guess a 20 year old. Yeah. Yeah. It's his birthday. And he's going to take him up in his aeroplane. Crop dust. Yeah. So here's the thing. Tommy Lee Jones is living in Utah working at a crop dusting facility. Sure. Kid comes up. He's like, I want the shit scared at me. First of all, yeah. Two dudes are sitting here. We notice this one guy. Oh, yeah. did, yeah. Film debut of Mr. John Ham. Right. As young pilot number two.

Right. But here's the thing. We're in Utah, right, for this crop dusting business. This kid has the thickest New England accent. I have fucking heard. He comes up. He's like, yeah, I want the shit scared out of me. And John Hamm is like, oh, go talk to Tommy Lee Jones. And he goes up to Tommy Lee Jones. He's like, yo, bro, I want the shit scared out of me. It's my fucking birthday. I just ate Chowda, okay? It's really weird. It's gross, but also, like, what a low rent activity. It's like, hey, would you just give me some spins? Give me some spins while my girlfriend stands on the ground and watches it all from down here. And you know, it's an hour there each way because it's out in the middle of nowhere. You know what I mean?

Unless they're coming from fucking Essex Mass and then they're taking a plane to get there. I don't understand why this kid talks like that. I think it's just the actor, probably. probably but it's you know they should have overdubbed him with an old man i want the shit scared out of me look nicholson you bottomed out of this fucking project you do this kid's voice right it was supposed to be played by jack nicholson no no no jack nicholson was supposed to be garner yeah and then uh sean connery was supposed to be sutherland horny connery give it to me that's i mean that's a movie all right now that now this is living

Well, that's right. I'm going to design some roller coasters. Yeah, look at how much fucking fun I'm having. I'm going to bring back. You don't need a ponytail. I'll just bring the horse hair I had from the medicine man. Oh, dude, that movie? Ramirez, we need you up there.

That's right. We're all Highlanders. That's why we're still alive. It helps with your libido. There should be... Go ahead. That's the only way to kill Clint Eastwood, by the way, is you have to cut his head off. Oh, absolutely.

Ramirez, we got to... I got to. My throat is going with this Eastwood. Yeah, it's a little too early. Ramirez, we got to go to the planet in Highlander 2. Oh, God. Fight those bird people or something. Yeah, I don't know what was going on.

See our episode on Highlander 2, the Quickening. That's a confusing puzzle. So, yeah, this kid throws up on Tommy Lee Jones, which is pretty great. And Clint Eastwood's like, hey, you know, we're going to space. well I'm not gonna he's kind of like he doesn't want to do it he just lost his wife he's the only person that like cares about anything apparently like everyone else like yeah I'll die in space well yeah well there's a heated passion in Eastwood's life but it's not for that wife we saw in the garage for Bob gerson well it's hatred for Bob gerson there's he's got some other hatred that he spews a couple times right around here and in other parts of the movie he fucking despises two people Neil Armstrong and John Glenn hard fucking core. He says when Neil Armstrong

walked on the moon he wanted to shoot himself with the head. He said he wanted to commit suicide that's so awesome. He's like the whole world was happy but I wanted to commit suicide. Dude,

you know what? You should have done it in a really public way and take the spotlight away from Armstrong a little bit. You know what I mean? Like it would be twofold. You take the spotlight

away from Armstrong but then also you could get that rat son of a bitch Bob Gerson right here because you pin a note on yourself that says this is because Bob Gerson canceled our space flight.

No, dude, blaze of glory. Walk right into NASA and, you know, start doing, you know, murders. Just blow yourself up, man. Just blow yourself. Just blow yourself up. I'm sorry, sir. We can engineer a bomb. I'm sorry, sir, we don't sell guns or bullets here.

Did that bastard Bob Gerson get here first and tell you did not let me have it? So, you know, Tommy Lee Jones is like, no, go fuck yourself. And so Eastwood goes down. down to the roadhouse where the other two are waiting. I love it. He's like, oh, he's like, what about Hawk and Jerry? And it's like, yeah, they're down at the roadhouse. That is a life I want. I just want to be down at the roadhouse. Exactly.

There's a couple of roadhouses. Tank and Jerry. Hawk is telling me who's now. He's going to show up there. Don't worry. Oh, yeah. Where's Hawk? That's a little Twin Peaks action. That's right. He's out back fucking the log lady, dude. That's where Hawk is. It's happening again.

What year is it? That's just Eastwood has that all the time. Yeah, Hawk put a seat in the log lady. Got to grow new tree. So, yeah, Eastwood drives back to the roadhouse there. A truck speeds by him. He's a crazy, probably Asian driver. I got accessing Asian slur protocol.

And he goes to the other two. Orpheus, give me more Asian slurs. You're not ready for those yet. and he goes to the other two he's like yeah that fucking man baby he's not gonna do the mission and it was Tommy Lee Jones who had sped by him in the truck

and he's like you always drive so slow ha ha ha ha ha ha he said something like he was like an old lady on a way to church you always drove as slow as an old lady on her way to church oh that's it's not enough to say I drive slow you have to emasculate me too you know what well you want to fuck right here

Tommy Lee Jones that would be the greatest way to end this. I'll fuck you in this roadhouse right now. I think Bob Gerson, Clint Eastwood, and Hawk, I'll have to do a round robin. Brokeback Moontin.

God damn it, dude. That got me, Moonton. Just did it. Moonton. Hey, let me just spin in my palm here. Want to take a fishing trip to the lunar sea? Hey, that's not enough for me.

a couple of high altitude fucks a year and by that I mean the moon I wish that's as high altitude as it get Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack I wish I could quit you Oh my God This I like Now this I like

Talk about one of our fake movies That would never happen Well first of all I was like Wait who's directing And he's a what You know I don't have a problem with that Clint It's funny because he is the only out

Republican. All the other ones are liberals or Democrats. Oh, really? I didn't know. I mean all of them are out liberal. Yeah, really? Even Tommy Lee. And it's crazy they wound up getting paid to be in a movie together. Can you believe it? Incredibly insane. What a shock. And remember when Tommy Lee was dating Pam

Anderson? Yes. Look at my enormous cock. Hey. Hey, look at me. I'm getting blown on the boat. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. Oh, man. I'd watch it more often if it was Jones. Oh, but as it is, you only tune in, like, once every six months. Yeah, just a refresher. Has anyone else seen the dirt

yet? No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? The Motley Crew movie. Oh, no, I don't. Is this Netflix? Yes. Okay, go on. Tell us about it. It is wretched. Can I say one thing about my favorite thing about it? Oh, please. There's a woman squirting within the first five minutes. Yep. Wow, congratulations

Netflix. Tell me again why you're such a fucking revolutionary streaming service. it's just it's the depths of hell and it's just great I'm just I just want to say watch the dirt all right who's in it though nobody oh cool the dude

the the the your buddy from Game of Thrones they're the dog guy the torture there the hound no the other one the killer the guy who gets eaten by the dogs oh Ramsey Bolton he's the it

he is it nice the main the lead is it Vince Neil is the singer yeah the PTSD kid from the Punisher. Yeah, exactly. Oh. He's the main. Yeah, exactly.

We're a real, real top. It's just the Netflix stable and machine gun Kelly as Tommy lead. What's that? He's a rapper. Oh, he was also. He had a beef with Eminem. He co-hosted a couple episodes of Catfish. Oh, right.

Yeah, that makes sense. Back when Max was making that terrible movie with Zach Ephron. You love Zach Ephron. I do. What movie are you talking about? We are your friends. Did you see it? No, I don't know.

He's like a DJ. It was, it's literally, oh, I remember when that came out. Yeah, so, so, so skipped it. It's, I think it's like one of the biggest box office bombs in history now. That's pretty cool, dude. Too bad, uh, the dirt didn't come out in theaters. That's what's brilliant about Netflix. You save that.

You save face. And they're like, oh, a hundred million people watch this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Can we have proof of that? Yeah. Also, can you separate that from the fucking auto play, you pieces of shit? No.

We will see Trump's tax returns before we see. legitimate Netflix numbers. I fucking guarantee it. 30 seconds in, you watched it. 30 seconds in, you watch it. Come on. Hey, hey, counts. Count it. That's a watch. Hope you tried the movie. Didn't run away. It's sort of like how we got your download.

Yeah, exactly. Sorry, folks. We got your download. I know you're not listening anymore. It was all those 70-year-old dudes that really love Space Cowboys. They were like, hey, they're making fun of it. So, they show up to NASA and finally we get an in-sync song.

Dude, my asshole tighten right up. It's so uncomfortable. It is so bad. The movie is embarrassed about it immediately because it's like low and it stops halfway through mid-sentence. I think they told the actors

like I think they had the song playing on set. It's like you're going to be walking into the NASA facility and this is what's going to be on the soundtrack and they're all like, I wish I had died 10 years ago. It's almost as if they were trying to get it under fair use

because like it first, It's like a military, like... And then it goes into the... The space cowboys. And like, it's like 30 seconds of max of this song. And then he's like, get back to the peony. I composed nine symphonies for this movie. Do you think Justin Timberlakes ever met Cleaningstwood?

Yeah, they did that... Yeah, they did that movie. Oh, Trouble with the Curve. Oh, yeah. How could I forget? They definitely met. He also, Timberlake also played the stool. Oh.

It's a very good role for it. It's a stool in a box. And it's a stool sample. They show up and, I mean, look, the problem with this movie is this movie practically has Alzheimer's. Because it keeps forgetting that it told you, A, that they can be replaced at any time by the younger crew, that they have a contract. And if they don't pass the physical. Like, they keep saying, like, everyone keeps saying it. Because they know everyone in the audience is like, this wouldn't fucking happen.

And it's like, no, listen, guys, they're also training young people. So maybe it's plausible. They also know that everybody in the audience is 70 years old and has to be reminded. Because every, what, take a drink every time somebody says something to the effect of, well, grow up. You're acting like kids now. You're acting like kids. Clint Eastwood's not a team player.

And then William Devane shows up. but he's like, what's going on here? And it's like, well, William Niveand, let's bring you up to his teeth. I mean, chew my gum while it happened. He's like a honcho at NASA, I guess. He's like the flight director of NASA. And he's been there since the early days. He's aware of Clinties-Dwood and how he cannot be a team player.

And he gives the whole rundown only after we sit through a fucking boardroom presentation where Marsha Gay-Harton lays out the whole thing again. It's so much of the same footage over and over again. I know, let's just get to it. And also this movie has a tone problem because it's very much, it's got the same problem that Stripes has, which is like, it's all about the training,

and then the mission starts like, wait, what movie am I watching? Yeah, totally. Like, and Stripes is a better film, of course. But Stripes is still not great because of that. Yes, exactly. Then we're in the Super Tank. All of a sudden, much like... That fucking Super Tank and Stripes.

I can never get over it. it in that movie. You just stop watching. Literally when that happened, it's like stripes shouldn't have the structure of full metal jacket. Yes, exactly. One thing I want to point out before we move on any further is when we're meet up with Marsha Gay Harden at NASA, she's

giving a tour to a school group. Yeah. And, you know, kids are asking questions and whatnot. She's being good with the kids. Like, giving this tour and she's like, all right, well, that's the end of the tour, everybody. Wait, what's up with your haircut? It was an accident. Actually, I tried to get bangs, and it really went side things. She's just like, that is a great

question anyway is that a beret no it's my hair sweetheart what's a hair hat uh no so then all these kids are like walking out the door one by one thank you marcia gayharden thank you see all these kids like thanking her and waving do you catch this the teacher at the end blows right past her oh really doesn't say a fucking word to this woman i guess that's what i paid for it yeah that rules no tip keeps walking. You think Marsha Gay Harden has like a fucking million dollar sign and a little tip jar like

and thank you very much. So yeah, Marsha Gayhartan gives this whole thing and she's like, and by the way, before I start this boring presentation, let's give a round of applause to the people who will be carrying out this mission these four old guys. Well, that's a weird thing too is like it gets revealed

later in the movie that they're like, it never, the secrecy of the movie never makes sense one way or another. Like apparently the public doesn't know about this initially. Like people in this room do, but there's never any like, and by the way this is really embarrassing

for NASA so nobody can talk about it outside of this facility. But it's somehow, it goes public somehow and it takes the nation by storm. Like they should be going on Jay Leno when they get back. Yes. Not before they go. It's only because there's some fucking shutterbug

in a car who, photographs them like jogging on a track and leaks it to the media. Say, old men running. Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. There's a line that the vice president is like, no, they have to go up because it's good publicity. Like, NASA needs publicity? Well, the movie, like, it's very much like police academy or more likely like a porkies kind of a thing. And the vice president, who I imagine is still Al Gore, is like the crusty old dean.

Absolutely. Well, I've got this banquet. I hope those old geriatrics don't ruin it. Uh-oh, those lousy roustabouts from NASA broke into my lockbox. Now, Bob, we're going to have to stop having Skype sex here. Tipper's coming in right now, and I got to go. We drilled holes in your lockbox to watch the lady shower. Porkies.

Yes. That's the plot of pork. I've actually never seen porkies. You're totally fine. I think I did a thousand years ago. All I remember is that. And I don't know if that, I think that is Porky's.

That is essentially the idea. Because that might have just been another video I saw. Well, you could also just be like thinking about the box cover. Right. Right on that too. Didn't they make sequels? Or am I thinking about Meatballs?

No, well, there's sequels and meatballs. But yeah, Porkies, Porkies to the next day. And then I believe Porky's Revenge. Now, was Meatballs Horny? Oh, very horny. Oh, it was like the horniest summer camp series around. Bill Murray's in that too, right? He's in the first one. First one is like a counselor maybe. Yeah, he's a main counselor. Yeah. He's in the first one as a personal favor to somebody. Is, uh, why are they calling them meatballs? Are they all Italian or what's? Yeah, it's an, it's an Italian only summer camp. It's an Italian's only fat kid summer camp. Mama me. Sauce, sauce 101? Sauce 101. Sauce 102. Oh, no, fuck this place. They should call it great.

It's gravy. All right, Janaro, get off that. Dejard, DiGento, get off that too. Lights out, all right. Scapelli, lights out. It's pork and beef. Mixed together. You can't just do one.

Antenucci. That's not how you row a canoe. No, we're not going out. We're just staying in and eating de jir. What's that fucking? Dejure knows. Who's now a kid that they're eating. Yes.

this Italian summer camp took a dark turn they run out of food they're stuck on a mountain that that that Panchetta's human man Johnny Panchetta they cut them alive

whatever so like now we're doing physicals the first of multiple training montages they take off their clothes well there's the physicals we're right at it do it then no talk about it I'm listening to my podcast

I like it. They take off their clothes. They all turn to like bashful little boys. They're fine getting a physical. And the lady shows up and they cover their Johnson. Except for one person. Well, Sutherland hilariously has his hands behind his back. That's right.

He just goes, uh-uh. Yeah, dude, Sutherland's going full number wang here. That's right. I've got a, I've got a hug. I've got a real hug. Would anybody like to see my cock? Look, fellas, what you have to do is you push it towards them like this.

Now I see why we called them oddball in Kelly's heroes. Is that one and a half? Jesus, Jerry. By the way, they're covering... Hey, Chair, I didn't know you were left-handed. They're covering up their dicks because it's a lady dog. No, but I know. Well, we didn't have those back then. That's what that is.

That's exactly what that is. I do love this begins the running gag of... Tommy Lee Jones being like, oh, you used to know me, like, oh, you knew my dad. And he's like, how is that old son bitch? Oh, he's dead. He's long dead. Yeah, which made me realize there should be a thing

somewhere in this movie where, like, there was a fifth guy. And the fifth guy and Tommy Lee Jones had the same job. And Eastwood goes to get the fifth guy, and he's dead. And that's why he has to go to Tommy Lee Jones. I mean, guaranteed in 10 years, not all four of us are still kicking around.

right? Probably honestly under five. Under five? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, you know, donate to Patreon while you can. Get Martin Lando on a sick bed or something. Oh, nice. Yeah, he was still around at this point. Yeah, yeah. He only died kind of recently. It would be him dressed as Bella Legosi anyway. It's a tragedy. He got Alzheimer's thought it's Bella Legosi. Yeah, we just also stole footage from Ed Wood. Yeah, we buried him in his Kate. his last words to me were pull the strings Glenn or what that's gonna make me throw up yeah I watched Ed Wood for a bit then I threw up

that Tommy Burton fella I just don't know Holy shit man why you know Clint Eastwood in a Tim Burton movie would be kind of cool Oh I would love it It's too bad that didn't have happen, right? Oh, it's never going to happen. No, it's never. He probably really

hates him. That little weirdo Tommy Burton. Well, I mean, I guess would he be in Planet of the Apes maybe? I mean, I guess was he like the first choice and then they took Heston instead? Is that the idea? Oh, no. To be a remake, the Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, Charlton Heston's. Charlton Heston's in that movie as an old man. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I forgot. No, I mean, no, he'd be, he'd be a monkey. He'd just be a monkey. Now I'm a fucking monkey. That's a right you could call me oh fuck what's the monkey's name

from uh what's the monkeys oh from his ape movies oh uh is it Dudley Clyde Clyde yeah now if you were if he played Clyde in that planet of the apes movie great movie or even better idea you do a continuation

it's set kind of in the future for some reason Clinties Wood and Clyde travel to the future Clinties would still Clinties would but Clyde due to something something science fiction is played by Paul Giamatti in the makeup from the plan of the apes because I believe Paul Giamatti was playing the same kind of ape

and Arangutan, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, oh God, that would be cool. Clean them up! Oh great, I'm sidled with fucking truck driving Clint Eastwood. Okay, yeah, you can feed me beer. Feed me lots of beer. I got to get through this fucking shoot. I'll box you.

Now I'm fighting a monkey. Oh, great. I got a monkey and a monkey's voting Democrat Oh, farts. Oh, so there's a thing where they're like cheated. This is incredibly dangerous.

They're cheating on this physical? Well, here's the thing. When you're giving an eye exam, you don't do it all one, all four people watching it because then that's how you get cheating. Especially if it's in a room full a bunch of fucking dirty cheat and old men.

Yes. So the gag is, Eastwood and Tom Lee Jones are competing to who could see who could do it faster right right right and like that's their like gag the entire movie and it goes nowhere it's like flat as fuck because like that competitive streak or whatever

it's just dead the two of them don't have any chemistry in this movie nobody has chemistry with anybody that's a real problem Sutherland's got chemistry with everybody well yeah he's not the three dudes just everybody else especially the ladies in these no but Sutherland's like oh we're hanging out like I kind of buy Sutherland everybody else

is just like yeah this weird like alpha dick bag and nobody seems to like each other. And James Garner's just busy melting. Sutherland is like the only actual thing I could buy as human. You're right. All the rest of them just, they're like, I don't know, angry assholes.

Yes. There you go. And Southerland. Sucent. Sutherland has these huge fucking Coke bottle glasses. Right. Which you don't get to go to space if you got those. And basically, or listen to the LASIC.

And he like listens to everybody else do theirs and then he just repeats it's like my eyes suck but my memory's great frankie boy yeah how many times he's fucking eastwood played frank by the way he's always fucking he's always frank i think he's frank and pink Cadillac that's an old name and now you know the thing is like why would you even let your friends cheat on this shit because you're like oh great so now i'm dead if something goes wrong i'm dead this old fuck can't see shit yeah i think uh a little word search was in order because that made me very curious let's see $70,000 times.

Million dollar baby. Frank Frankie Dunn. Space Cowboys, Frank Cornyndo and Frank TV. That was me. In the line of fire, Frank Horrigan. Escape from Alcatraz. Frank Morris. There you go.

Four times. I'm like Tony Danza with somebody else's name. Because he famously always played Tony. Right. That's right. Oh, yeah. Is that true? Yeah, yeah.

There's a thing in this movie I won't look it up You son of a bitch Is he playing Is he playing Tony in that Was that Josh Grobin show on Netflix? The what? The show on Netflix

Where it's Josh Grobin and Tony Danza And their father and son And they're both cops And Tony Danza was like a crooked cop Something like that Who did time Is it a funny show? It's a comedy

It looked mildly entertaining I never watched it Is this another Chuck Lori thing? Maybe I don't know I kind of took some money here and there. And I, yeah, I put a, I put chalk on a restaurant that was supposed to be burned down. I didn't know people were going to be in there. I was just marketing it for the mafia.

Angela. You know, we're talking about Netflix and Frank. And it's time, like, there's so many of these useless shows that do nothing. Get Frank Stallone in a show. Oh, wow. What would that be about? Maybe just do Barfly a sequel, but focusing solely on the bartender. Oh, that's true.

Oh, yeah, it's like, it's just decades later, yeah, I'm still doing it. Fucking Frank Sloan wishes you as a bartender, by the way. That's a skill. Everybody else has, like, totally checked out. Like, Mickey Rourke, know where to be found. Faye Donneway, nowhere to be found. They're all dead. They're all dead.

And then he can do, everybody I know is gone. But he's terrible. And I mean, they got treatment. They're better. But he's terrible. So it would be like, but everybody I know is gone. And I think he protected his tweets now and he blocked me, but I follow his Instagram now. And he's trying to do like motivational stuff on there.

Like, look, man, I played a two-hour show last night playing guitar and I'm here at the gym. What's your excuse? He does it like every day. I outlived them all. Yeah, that sounds right. There's another fake thing right here where they're trying to like lift weights against like the young guys. Oh, it's what's his face, actually. Courtney B. Vance.

Courtney B. Vance has like this one astronaut. Courtney B. Vance is, he looks like B. B. B. He's huge in this movie. I've never seen Courtney B. V. V. V. it's big. It's pretty awesome, man. He's cut.

And he's like, yo, Tommy Lee Jones, can you bench 2.25? And Tommy Lee Jones is like, with one hand tied behind my back. Yeah. But then it's like a weird, like, he's lifting it. But James Garner is also pulling it up. Yeah, he's like, spot. He's notting him. It's a joke, but he's actually really doing half the work. But then, like, the bullshit part of it is, like, Courtney V. V. Vance and the other guy are like, wow, serious shit hawk.

Like, you could totally see that old fucker. He's look flexing. It looks like they're doing it on a vibrating bed. It's just like, da, do, do, do, do, do, oh, God. The vein in Garner's fucking forehead is going to explode. And, like, this is, like, some police academy hijinks kind of stuff. They serve them all around of insure. Oh, that is funny. Yeah.

And then Sutherland's like, oh, yeah, I drink this stuff all the time. Helps with my libido. And then they send them. Jesus Christ, Jerry, could you tie a boat with that thing? And then the old men send the young man baby food. Yes. Because you're babies. And the most obnoxious part about both of these, like, we were trying to up each other's scenes here.

This fucking NASA cafeteria waiter guy? Yes. What is this character? Why is he getting in on it? And why is he enjoying it? He's having a fucking blast. Dude, the time of his life. It's so obnoxious.

All these are from the gentleman over there. Also, it's a cafeteria not serving anyone. Yeah. Getting fucking line, maggot. I was so frustrated with this character. Yeah, he's just, he's like having a fucking ball. He never has a name or a lion or anything like that. No.

Cool guy. Cool guy number one. And cafeteria guy. That should be in the credits. With whatever his name is as cafeteria. Oh, yeah. And. And.

I mean, what I think this guy does. No end then. Oh, no. I think this guy just like hangs out in the cafeteria waiting like looks for fights that are breaking out or little arguments. He's like, do you want to send something ironically to them? Just we can, we can send to the office too. I guess if you're working cafeteria at NASA, like you're into space, but you're not

terribly smart. Is that the idea? Or you're just getting a job. Sure, which is also fine. I'm not bashing cafeteria work. It's also fine not to get a job. It's also fine not to get that out there. Well, actually, I don't know. I was looking up, let me take that back. No, you know what?

Fuck it. I was looking up who this dude is because he's just like a familiar character actor, I guess. The guy playing this waiter, Steve Monroe. Also another one of Chris Cabin's favorite Kleene's Wood Movies Jersey Boys. Oh, yeah. I think he's been in a few Eastwoods...

You've got the stuff, Steve. Does he play Jersey? Or does he play with boys? He plays Barry Belson. Belson. Belson. Is that just straight singing? Is that like the Broadway show, Chris? Yeah, it's the actual singers. So they're just singing and throughout...

It's like a musical? No, it's not. Not a musical, but like they're doing the performances. Yeah, but yeah. But that's what's annoying about it. It's like I wanted that movie to be a movie musical. Yeah, and it's just a drama where you see them performing the song. A musical sounds a little fruffy, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I'll do a musical. Ain't going to be no dancing. I will say about them. Feet firmly on the ground. You're going to be sad at a diner, and then you're going to go and sing that song about the hooker. All right, that's it. I'm playing Frankie Valley.

I love you, baby. And if it's quite all right, what are the words? Don't cut. I didn't say it. I'm famously quick. Why do you leave this in the movie? This is weird. Holy shit.

This guy, this Steve Monroe guy, apparently on top of appearing in over 150 film television and commercial roles, he's a podcast. He's a practicing psychotherapist. Really?

Good for him. That's something. Good for this guy. I should visit this guy. You should. He might be able to finally crack that whatever's going on over there. Good luck.

So as it's going on, Marcia Gayharden and Tommy Lee Jones kind of become an item, which I feel like, you know, like, I'm just cutting like Marcia Gayhart. Speaking of, Marcia Gay Hardin's therapist, like she comes in with this new haircut. The therapist is like, oh, fuck, what's going on? I met a new man. First of all, he's at work. Shit. Second of all, he's 91 years old. Great. And married. Exactly. And he has cancer. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, she's like, um. they're flirting there's like this scene where Clint Eastwood like teases him

teases her into going to his locker room and his dick is hanging out oh right because he's like yeah yeah you can go in a coast is clear he says take a good look at the pit in the pendulum yeah she walks in man it's fucking everybody Wang Chung

tonight hey look hey hawk I just wanted to get her get her acquainted with your droopy balls that is the number one thing. All right. I forgot Hawke's wife died, I think. She's dead, yes. Because then they

go out and a date. Here's the thing. You want to fuck your grandfather, go right ahead. But the problem with it. Fair enough. Really? I don't recommend it. A guy. A man like. A guy old enough. We were professionals on a closed course. Exactly. You want to go fucking guy old enough to be

your grandfather, go right ahead. But the problem is, you know, you got to take fucking 70 years of baggage. Because he's talking about like, yeah, I remember there's one crazy time I met my wife and like he's like almost crying. But it's the greatest. It's like mashing her face into him. I remember one time I took a shot at FDR. It is a great and I mean great meat cute where he's talking about he's telling her this story where like he had a crush on the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.

And they were at the fucking state fair or whatever the fuck. and some guy that he hated was like making moves on this chick and he says yeah so I saw I'm going to a fiberglass shit house and my friends all bullied me into going over there and pushing it over and he basically says he knocked over

this fucking toilet this porta potty and then he heard a woman screaming and it was this lady who then he somehow went on to marry after that not going to happen that's a hard conversion I bullied her into marrying

And this story Hey, you want more shit on, you're going to marry me your foot. And this story about how he fucking pushed a toilet over and locked a woman in his fucking shit coffin causes Marshall Gayhart and be like, you know what? Let's start making out. But it's not even that because then he's like,

ah, she's a most beautiful woman I ever met. I'm just ruined for the rest of my life. Let me just keep pushing my face into you until you kiss me back. This weird haircut doing anything for you? It's disgusting. And then around now they go on Lennon. right well because this is so everybody the dude photographs

them running and it's somebody gets depressed they're calling them the ripe stuff that's great that's fucking great that's so good this is about the time of rotten stuff yeah exactly they throw it in the trash already stuff I don't know maybe like

mid to late 20s is probably ripe as you're going to get the moldy stuff the compost heap and this is when the garbage NASA brings in the garbage It just literally just says the garbage as they're running. And this is when Al Gore becomes a presence.

Not really, but it's just like, oh, no, the vice president's going to find out. I don't know. I just kind of love the idea of Gore just being a shadow in this movie. Wait, what's happening? All right. Doesn't bother me none. Yeah, I'm not going to contest this election. Nothing bad will happen.

Yeah, thanks, Guy. So, yeah, one of the things in this next month, montage of them being awesome is they go on Jay Leno and that's just a delight isn't it you're reminded that Jay Leno exists it's always trouble when that happens and this is an extended fucking clip it is insane it's like Leno's in this movie for like five minutes or at least it feels that it's way too much and he's like oh yeah you guys are really important kind of people there oh hey I had who's the lady magnet who's the lady magnet and I'm like I'm turn you know what Jay Leno I usually turn you off anyway. Now I'm really

turning it out. Chris, what is done in a Sutherland say? Oh, that's me. You know, it's just women don't have any idea of their propensity for multiple, endless orgasms. Endless orgasms. You know, that's, uh, ew.

You know, it's disgusting. Can we cut the commercial? Do we still do that? Can we just cut now? This isn't live, right? Because I'm going to go throw up. You know, I'm stuck with this a rock face guy and the guy with the big balls.

Rock face did Bob Gerson call me that to you? And it's also during this television appearance where I felt the most embarrassed for anybody doing anything in this movie because they're on the Tonight Show and who is watching? Of course.

But Marcia Gay Harden from her bed with like a big bowl of popcorn giggling like a child. What the fly and fuck is any of this? She's supposed to be a professional woman of science who works at NASA and she's like T-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-oh, he said orgasms.

She's a high school girl watching Corey Hame on the fucking tonight show or something. It's like the sleep over the fucking pink ladies have in Greece. But, well, A, she's got the same haircut so that works out. She totally does.

I'm a beauty school dropout and I went to NASA. I mean, I don't understand why she likes these people so much. Or why she wants to fuck Tommy Lee Jones. Maybe because are the kids. character is just that lonely. She's like, these guys are talking to me.

That's right. Because like maybe like Cromwell, nothing. Courtney B. Vance. Absolutely. Yeah, nothing doing. That's right. I'm sorry. Well, he's the most jacked one of the bunch. Yeah, for sure. She's got to work every day under that piece of shit, Bob Gerson. That's true. Maybe

Bob Gerson is sabotaging her dates. I'd think that. He's like sabotaging everyone's life. He's like a malicious force. He's just calling up restaurants and saying there's an emergency and she comes running. The movie told us more or less the movie telegraphed that Bob Gerson fucking committed high treason.

Yeah, there's a... Maybe. Yeah. He took money from the Soviets. No one mentioned money. Eric is very defensive of this fictional character. Because just because the KGB finds out what you're doing doesn't make, you know... So moving on, sort of the, like, the base.

Basically, the, the stuff shirt white guy, I think his name's Ethan. Yes. Ethan, like, is trying to drill the info out of Kleeney's, what is like, why, but. Oh, actually, we should talk with the roadhouse thing, which I like a lot. Oh, yeah. Which only because, like, so it's like they're all, like, they do this whole thing where they're, they're doing the weightless thing, the speed, what do you call it there? The Gravitron thing, but not really. I don't know. The thing that goes in circles to make you feel the G's.

And they're like really Timely Jones and Clint Eastwood are like trying to do it for a competition as they always do. And this is the movie having Alzheimer's again because both Donald Sutherland and James Garner make the same fucking joke which is like, oh, it really takes the wrinkles out. And then like, oh right. And then James Gondon's like, wow, they look a lot younger that way. Don't they? Yeah. And I'm like, I just fucking heard it you movie. I think Sutherland designed this carnival ride there. see here's the thing though it should be a thing where like whichever one of them says it first turns around to the one that says in second and goes i just made that joke get your fucking

hearing aid fixed exactly honestly just spike the camera just say it to the audience isn't this terrible and the idea the idea is the first one to pass out by the drinks right and now they're fighting over like who passed out first in this roadhouse yep and they go to the wait. She's like, who would you go to, who would you go to bed with? And she's like, who would you bring home? And she's like, what, the fucking retirement home? That's a sick burn by this bar maid. I loved it. No, no, no.

Who would you have sex with lady? And this guy, I mean, like, he looks at a beefhead. It looks like a bully. And he gets up, he's like, hey, could you stop bothering my friend? And they're like, what are you talk about? You, you tough guy? And I was having a private conversation with her. Dude, that is always the worst. When some asshole is like yelling drunk in a bar and then the excuses. No,

I was having a private conversation. And you're right, this guy that looks like the bully figure is completely in the right. And you shouldn't be asking some random waitress who would she have sex with? Clint Eastwood is sure to call him tiny, by the way. My friend hears this shit all the time. You know what I? He's really, really pragmatic about it. Maybe Andrew can confirm this.

I'm 90% sure that's Bobo from Double Dragon. I think you're totally right. And I think he's a tough and escape from L.A. as well. He's just a huge dude. The gag should be he's fucking with. them but no he's like could you stop bothering my waitress friend it would actually play if it was like a normal looking guy saying it but because he has to be an asshole looking fucker with like a leather fucking vest yes i mean they fight each other and yeah but then like it ends up like

Tommy lee jones tells clean east would like hey man like if this guy knocks your block off then you're not going to space yeah sure so why don't we just beat each other up sure old man fighting each other. Definitely Bo Bobo, by the way. Oh, nice. Well, Bobo sighting. But so the next day, you know, they have black eyes or whatever. And then finally, this guy is like,

you're not going to space Clint Eastwood because Bob Gerson said no. Right. And then that's when Clint Eastwood burst into Bob Gerson's office closes the Skype chat with fucking Al Gore. Excuse me. Uh-oh, looks like the internet went down. So listen, this is how we're going to get the water levels to it. No, no, it's ruined.

Oh, this is awkward. I can hear you. I can't see you anymore. I can hear your shit talking me. I could just see keys. Coerty. Coordy. Listen, are we still on here?

Or what? I mean, my pants are off. I'm ready to go, Bob. Can't believe I got stood up on my cybersex date. I was about to squirtle. Got a charmander here. So Cromwell's like, first of all, you just hung up on the vice president. Second of all, yet you're not going to space because Tommy Lee Jones has fucking terminal prostate cancer.

Well, no, is it everyone gets to go to space but Tommy Lee Jones. Oh, right. Because you guys are national celebrities now. I'm Cromwell doing a southern accent. Oh, it's just such a mistake. Why? Why about it? And like, so this is when, and like, Tommy, Lee Jones has eight months to live, apparently.

it's inoperable, et cetera. Right. And Eastwood is basically, the deal that is struck is like, okay, originally was only supposed to be, what's that dude, Kyle, Gene, Ethan. Ethan. Ethan was supposed to go.

And then he's like, all right, listen, just let Tommy Lee Jones, like, come and hang out. We can bring Courtney B. Vance. He can be the other dude, but Tommy Lee Jones gets to ride. But no, it's even worse than that because, like,

it's like, they have this conversation and, like, Tom Lichens, like, I'm not going to let you. you miss out of your dream on me, little old Tomily Jones. And then Marcia Gay-Harden goes up, she's like, well, he passed the physical aside from the

cancer. And I'm like, well, actually, that's failing the physical. You know what, having terminal cancer. Well, if you think about it, that everything but the failure. You remember that part in Apollo 13, which is based on actual

events when Gary Cinnis couldn't go because he didn't get the measles vaccine? This guy's got terminal fucking cancer on top of being 80 years old. Yeah, but it's pass fail and if you take out the fail, it's technically a pass. It's just amazing. She's like, well actually if you don't pay attention to the cancer he has, he passed everything else. Honestly, though, I mean, they got to go up next week. What's the worst that could have happened

anyway? It's true. You get more cancer? That's true. I mean, you know, what, cancer can't take zero G? Also, at this point, point, the risk is very low. In about, what, 20 minutes? The nuking of the world. Also, they give the cancer to the youngest, healthiest looking at one. Yeah, exactly.

Meanwhile, again, may I point out, Garner, melting the entire movie. Melting and looking for anything to do. He's like, you know, I wish I was melting. They give, um, this, um, eye doctor gives fucking Donaldson in these really stupid sunglasses to wear the rest of the movie. Yeah, I don't.

don't really know what they're supposed to do. These fucking cheeseburger in paradise, fucking they do. They look like shit you would see at a fucking parrothead convention, also known as a Jimmy Buffett concert. They've got the connector on the back. Yep, exactly. And they're like the neon-ish thing, like Brett the hitman heart. Like that's what they look like.

Well, I'm going to put someone in the sharpshooter. The sharp shooter. And anyway, they go to space. And now the movie totally changes. Wait, I'm sorry. You're right, but there's one, before we fucking leave Earth, they have to squeeze in one more ass-kissing moment is the four of them

are walking, they're on the platform, they're walking to the shuttle, and there's like a NASA dude who's directing them, and he's like, right this way, Generals, and Clint Eastwood goes, we're not generals. And the guy goes, I'm just saying it like it ought to be, just

you know what, shut the fuck up and tell them where the spacecraft is. I mean, aside from Jay Leno and the cover of USA Today when did America fall in love with these old people? I guess that was just one montage too many there's also a training sequence where Tommy Lee Jones can land

the shuttle without using no computers Oh right yeah Obi-Wan Canobi tells me how to do it thanks Yeah like Courtney B Vance is like well no one could ever do it like well hey oh shut up And then after he does it the other dude is like That's impossible

Yes Well I am the great than ever was, ever is, and ever will be. So, suck it. You straw man. I mean, so they go up into fuckings. Sure. Lift off, man. We got it. And like,

and like the movie totally changes. Like, entirely. Entirely, right after William Devane, who, speaking of changes, is magically on their side. After hating them the whole time, well, space will never be the same. Oh, my God.

Mlam, Gumb. Spatial be the same more fucking horse teeth gum his mouth is unsettling isn't it i can't even with this man it's a really he should have played the joker actually oh yes he looks like fucking morton downy with these teeth like a 1982 batman yes riddy with the joker with william devane for sure look bill we need somebody to say the tagline

i don't know who is it's gonna be yeah exactly around here is also the first kind of clue that Cromwell's crooked because Rage Sir Bages like pissed off that the old guys actually made it up there to which Cromwell replies don't worry about it. Our boy is

up there with them. Yes like crooked. That just means don't worry there's a young man up there. But there's two. He says it leaning over fucking whispering to him. Okay. So you think that one of these kids is a Soviet agent at like

25? No, he's just in. on the con he's in on it he knows that it's a nuclear whatever yeah and it proves that it's true Ethan goes up there and he's like oh yeah it's right there it's what I expected hey Clint could you not come oh fuck he's not oh you fucking

oh he's fucking buckled in the seatbelt I'm just on I'm on Bob Gerson's side that fucking little rat Ciska was always in bed with Gerson of course you'd be with Gerson I just think that if the Soviet Union hadn't fallen there would have been

forms, and anyway. In this fictional movie. In my fictional history too. And this is what it turns into Star Fox for a minute. Just a little bit, yeah.

I don't know why the spaceship becomes alive for a minute. That's a weird thing where they're approaching it and their radar that they're using sets off a thing and this thing's like it's like a fucking transformer

and missiles are sticking out. It's so stupid looking. And it's used to it's like, we pissed it. it off. And he's still going, how did my science get into this Soviet satellites? Dude, we addressed it already. Exactly. Stop forgetting your own movie. Yeah, the movie is Alzheimer's. Which one are you my grandson? Poor movie. Well, no, they don't address that. No one visits it anymore. That's why we did it on this show. It's like, come on, go visit your space cowboy.

They don't officially address it, though, until like the last-ish scene in the control room. It's all like, the whole time, it's like, Moho got there, and it is a nuclear activated space. There are six nuclear warheads

that are going to auto launch at American designated targets if this falls into orbit or whatever. And also this begs the question. So like, why let these old people be the publicity bonanza that there's, if this is literally a black ops mission.

Right. You know what I mean? Well, here's the thing. Also, this is the risk you're actually running because if this fucks up and these things blast off, talk about fucking waving the checkered flag for ageism, dude.

You can't let old people do anything. They fucking bombed America. They're not going to build a Walmart anymore. Exactly. But couldn't they just blow this satellite out of the sky? I think I've learned from film like Broken Arrow, I want to say, maybe? Yeah, that's a fairly accurate film.

You can just shoot nuclear weapons and they don't blow up. Especially in space Or do Superman rules Throw it into the sun To throw everything in the sun That's their end game actually Is just to explode it near the moon

Yeah They want to throw it to the moon tin Yes You can only do that once by the way Well too bad The second time you could feel the groans in the room Yeah well that's what I'm going for It's my brand

I'm going for gasps So yeah I'm going for gas gas grass poor ass so they get into this thing and this is I have to say some stupendously stupid imagery of

Clint Eastwood in this jetpack wow is this hilarious it's none of them it's just their faces photoshopped onto nothing it's just like I never needed to see like here's what I'm used to seeing Clint Eastwood on a horse

Clint Eastwood driving a car Clint Eastwood running next to a car I never needed to see Clint Eastwood wear a space suit and this is really weird Clint Eastwood going just a fucking town on Merrill Street Just right on that bridge Dude right at the county line Oh I'm gonna eat you like a corn on the car

I'm gonna eat you the way Devane's chewing that trident Teethy wait merrill did you sleep with that son of a bitch bob gerson who you know i knew it all right well lean back here comes the bubble yum oh fuck i'm gonna spit on it a little bit all right you know what he uh when he's floating around here and he's like look at that italy down there let me spit on it oh wait oh no i'm wearing a helmet fuck fuck i got to eat my own spit yeah no i'm just licking my helmet oh man i see the great wall of china over there it's making be sick i'm gonna piss on that

wall oh oh oh oh oh it's everywhere there is a fucking moment it goes through his helmet You see like a fucking half his helmet's yellow water. Wait, Frank, did your shield go up? No, it's a different kind of yellow. So this dude,

Ethan, freaks out because Eastwood's like, we're not touching anything. Which is the right thing to do when you're strut it with musical. Absolutely. And this guy's like, no,

to know, because I'm in the pocket of fucking Cromwell and Rage Sorbeja. We got to do it. I'm the straw man that's going to do everything wrong. And he cocks this thing up.

It is one of the greatest space catastrophes in human history. Well, it's pretty close to gravity, which is... Yes. Yeah. Big influence, of course. I remember Quaron talking about it. Oh, yeah, that's right. We heard him at Lincoln Center talking about how much you love space cowboys.

Really? Yeah, dude, that happened. True story. I mean, Raids are... I mean, like, really, Raidsurbeja should be more sweaty than he is. Oh, my God. Because if the Ruski's found out about... He's like gone. No, dude. He's got the fucking capsule in his tooth, man. He's ready to go.

It's a new government. They technically it doesn't really matter, right? It's like, oh, that was this Soviet. But it's an embarrassment. It's an embarrassment to the, I mean, like, is it? Yeah, it's an old fucking satellite that's been up there, and they let it rock. Listen, man, it's 2000. Boris Yeltsin is still president.

That guy's a fucking drunk lunatic. Who knows what could happen? Who knows? I guess. They'll skin him alive and leave him in Red Square. Who? Raised your beige. Absolutely.

He brought disgrace to the Russian Federation. That's back, by the way, normal. In 96, we hacked the Russian election to elect that guy, by the way. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, so it was just, 2016 was just retribution. True story. True story. Whatever, like, Courtney B'ampton.

This dude's dead, by the way. No, the guy's not dead. Ethan? Yeah, he's a lot. He survives. He should die. Oh, is he hanging out, like, the back of the capsule when they land? Yeah, he's all, no, they get rid of them later.

Oh, yeah, he does eventually die. No, you know, he's still a lot. No, he's a lot. He's just knocked out. He's in a coma or some. Courtney B. Vance is also... Courtney B. Vance gets a cut or something? He gets a concussion.

No, isn't Sutherland like... He's bleeding quite a bit. He is, but he's like, oh, he got a concussion. He bumped his head and he got a cut. By the way, he's dead. You want to eat him? So, see, it shows you that young people are babies. Yeah, fall down and get hurt and go wea, wea,

but then true old men go, meh, and get the job done. Well, so when... happens is that the icon is the name of the satellite icon and the fucking little white prick that's attached to it. Detach from the space station. Like Garner does like a claw thing to get it at first. Hey, am I in this movie? Awesome. For a second, I'm playing a claw machine. This is cool. It detaches and they have to do this ridiculous thing where they have to like go and like launch off. Like Eastwood's got to go to his little jet pack and launch off and they got to fire a rocket to stop the movement of this thing so it doesn't go into the earth's

atmosphere there's no tension to this whatsoever not at all like the earth is in peril at this point and nobody gives this shit no because you can tell there's still like fucking 30 minutes left to this movie I wish I could show everyone on the internet the the floating in space stuff inside the spaceship yeah is so cheap looking it's bad so like oh like it's like what you do if you pretend you're swimming in an improv scene yes it's just like Like, whoa. Or you, like, you hold on, they're like holding onto a bulkhead and bending their knees.

The best example of it is after this catastrophe, there's a little, like, on board fire. And Tommy Lee Jones floats to get a fire extinguisher. But the shot of him using the fire extinguisher is literally him just standing there with a fire extinguisher. Which doesn't make you to get blown back. Yeah. And all, but you can see, like, his leg is, like, planted and the knees are bent. Yeah. It's so bad looking.

I found the one patch. a space where there, you know, is gravity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we'll use that. So this is when Tom Lee Jones, like, look, I'm going to kill myself. Obviously, I don't want to die of cancer for eight months. And also, I can save the world, which is in peril at this point. And he's such an egotomaniacal maniac, you know, that, like, of course, this suits him. He does point out he doesn't want to get cancer treatment because he saw it, like, eat away

at his wife and she was suffering. And he doesn't want to go out that way. Marcia Gayharten's therapist is like fucking of course yeah of course yo he died in space oh awesome wow sixth time in 10 years that happened to you

no you got a real pattern Harden you know I really I really like having more business usually but this this is just too much this is gonna be two years with you fuck Marcia no more new haircuts I'm not allowed no mohawks

no mohawks so yeah he's gonna sacrifice himself and what they're gonna do is because there's like enough juice in these propellers or whatever these propulsion systems to push them out away

from the ship and they're going to send the shit just into space and the hope for Tommy Lee Jones is he can crash land on the moon. Hey, cool. But again, this should be something that's like kind of explained earlier. Man, I always wanted to be on the moon. Oh, look at that moon up there.

Man, I always wanted to blow up the moon. Sons of bitches. What if I arm six nuclear warheads into that moon? Well, you're right, though, because Tommy Lee Jones' whole thing is, like, he just wants to go to space. Yes. It should be, because this would be an awesome, like, Twilight Zone thing. He wants to go on the moon. Be careful what you wish for, Tommy Lee Jones.

No, it should be, I hate tides. I was wanting to end tides. I'm going to blow up the moon. I heard there's caramel inside. I hate it when the water goes out. Should I always stay in. See about this cheese. I keep hearing about it.

A boat's just sitting in mud. So he just fucks off, and he's just done. Goodbye movie. out. Adios. And there's no like Armageddon-ass kind of like, well, I want to let me just talk to Marsha Gayharton for a hot no final words. And then James Gardner should say a few words.

Yes. Yeah. It's just like Sutherland and Gardner are doing the best with the script, but they're like, oh no, he's going. And he's like, yep, goodbye. Kind of Irish goodbyes this movie. He absolutely does. And it's some fucking hilarious imagery, though, because Tommy Lee Jones is literally strapped

to the front of this thing. And it's just blasting off. Like, he's stuck to the front of a train. It's getting ready to go to space mountain. I want to see the nuke go off. I want to see him seeing like Jupiter and beyond the infinity. Yes. That would be cool. Hey, cool. It's being an older man. They don't blow anything.

No, he would have to go the other way, right? He gets in that bedroom and he like ages backwards. I'm a baby now. I'm Benjamin Button. It would be so much better if the twist of this was that Clint Eastwood finds out about the nukes and he goes crazy

and he's like, I finally get Bob gerson this way let the nukes go yes all right wait five of the nukes can go the sixth one all right hey hey cromwell what's your ad dress hawk tell you soviet nuke hits his suburban new jersey hawk tell your lady friend to leave the office that day the nukes succumb and now there's like one more. How are we going to land the ship? There's some whatever stuff. There's enough fuel to get back,

but not enough to do what they refer to as a return burn or something. And like there's atmospheric stuff. The computer is dead, obviously. Oh, absolutely. Who trusts them computers no more. So. Probably written by some Japanese guy. Yikes.

What is that guy's problem? And the basic... Man, Clint Eastwood stars in racist astronauts. I think I made my problem pretty clear. Well, he needs to finish up the slur trilogy, right? Because it's Grand Torino, which I did like. Yikes for me. It's fun.

It's a movie. And then the mule, right, Chris? There's a lot... He's saying a lot of slurs in that, too. Yeah, one more to go. I know. I guess it's the big one, right? he'll get there he'll get there

Clint Easton stars in the big one you know what he's talking about yeah you know what he's talking about and it's just him in front of a white screen like yeah you there's no trailer we can't have an actual trailer it's like him in the toys trailer

it's like him in the hat no one agreed to be in this picture so they're all CGI creations it's just a three hour version of the intro to black clans no, my God. You know what I'm doing in this movie. You know,

somehow I'm still getting Oscar nuns, though. So whatever, and he's the... So basically, as they're going back into Earth, Garner is his co-pilot at this point, and Garner's doing jack shit. And then, like,

Sutherland's in the back of the spaceship. This is when he, he... Which, this is the part of the movie, it doesn't make any sense. Uh-huh. They're land... This part. They're coming back in. They re-enter the Earth's atmosphere.

It's safe enough for fake Breckenmeyer, which is this Ethan character, and Courtney B. Vance to be just, you know, ejected and, like, you know, parachuted it to wear it into safety. Why does it everyone, why land this broken spaceship to begin with? Everyone just go outside the back. Yeah, I think that's a thing where it's like, crashing planes was Hawks job, not mine. And he wants to land it.

Yeah. I'll beat him this one last time. Yeah. And like he's like Garner and you, he's like, you know, he's like Sutherland. Like you get out after those guys. Then Garner goes and I'm going to land it by myself. Because he just wants to die at this point. I think that's the thing, dude.

He's just going to like nose dive right into the ocean. Where's Bob Gerson's house? Exactly. Oh, Pentagon will have to do. So they refuse to abandon the team. again which makes no sense why like why the spaceship has no meaning if they can leave successfully you can leave success right but because because eastwood refuses to eject this time the two of them yeah and you need the alfrey wooder at this part they blow up the damn ship that's right

speaking of james cromwell oh shit right oobie doby i don't need to remember the song that's used in boy orison dude yeah it's great great movie best of the star trucks i think Nice. Bold choice. Really? First contact? A little WLM. Well, yeah, maybe on the Nexus level.

By the way, we have a Star Trek podcast on Patreon. There we go. Very good. So he lands it just, and he lands it very similarly to the way Tommy Lee Jones lands. The exact same thing. He's fucking saying the things that Tommy Lee Jones is saying when he lands the simulator.

I'm ripping him off. Hey, Slow Joe in the back row. You remember this. one exactly dude and it lands and like everyone applauds and like this is to your point like Bob Gerson goes to the press is like

I always believed in Frank and his team he's the best one of them all and like he's taking credit sort of but also like he should go to the Hague yeah he definitely should and there's a whole thing like this is what I'm talking about is there's a whole exchange where

it's a little before this but it's like oh my God, James Cromwell. I think it's like Marshall G. Hardin's like, how did this technology get in this Soviet thing? And Rage Sturban, like, it's called out at this point. And it's like, oh, it was stolen or something like that from

James Cromwell's office. And Cromwell, like, very flimsily is like, well, it's the first I'm hearing about this. Yeah, yeah. It's very clearly like that he's either in on it or he knew about it should have reported earlier. I didn't say it. It's fine by me. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, there's one by, we

won the Cold War. Let bygones be bygones. There's crayon drawings all over the hallway wall and like the two brothers are like, he did it. Yeah, totally. So then we just cut to Eastwood and his wife they're staring up at the moon and he's like, what do you think Hark's

doing up there? Did he eat in the moon cheese? She goes, oh, do you think he made it? Oh, yes. Yeah, he made it. And then it's like, but doom, do. And I was like, is this Frank Sinna? I'll kill dead. We get to fly over to the moon and it's just like him just chilling out dead on the moon. Dead on the moon and you can see

this is what's fucking creepy though is like you can see where he landed there's definitely like crawl tracks like footmarks and whatnot because I think what you're talking about actually you talked about the cyanide capsule that's what he did he fucking said because every astronaut has a cyanon capsule. Really? That works yeah.

What? Yeah so then people don't starve to death in space and or get taken by aliens. Oh great. and or specifically get taken by aliens. You learned this when you were working on NASA? No, he saw a fucking Hulu documentary. First of all, I saw, well, I will say, what I'm getting this from is from the film Contact.

Oh, okay. Continue, the documentary contact. When the aliens start talking about Hitler, time to bite into your cyanide capsule. I saw a documentary about how the moon landing is faked. Yes, definitely was. Only one? Called Under the Masonic Moon,

which had a theme song. really. Which goes, under the Masonic moon filmed by Stanley Kubrick. In the song, it rules, man. Jesus. The Masons, the free Masons were involved. Totally. I was trying to grill

that Mason after the live show in Philadelphia, like he came out to it. Right. Our National Treasure Show, which is lost sadly. But he claims that there was, you know, no mysterious, no black magic, no government conspiracy. Well, they would say that. day. Yeah, he's not just going to tell some normie pissant all the fucking secrets.

Well, I've been trying to like contemplate if I should join. I want to get you can't join, dude. Really? Not with that body. Stanley Kubrick. That's ridiculous. That's worse than Moontin. But like the way they reveal it too, it's like, I think he bit bit the kind of. Because then he just starved to death, which sucks. Either way, yeah, but this dude died on the moon. but like you see like he sat down facing earth you know made him sure he was looking towards earth and just died you that happens to me you know here's the thing no one's ever going back to the moon anyway the NASA's budget is going to get slashed yeah I'm jacking it before I go man that's just

one one last one for the road before you go to the moon or when you're on the moon when I'm on the moon and obviously you want to jerk it on no one's looking I'm on the fucking moon I can do whatever I want up there's a couple aliens giggling I guess I'll eat it. I can't see you dudes have jerked off on the moon. For sure.

Like Neil Armstrong like right when that camera went off like exactly one one small step for Emmanuel we're good yeah are we out one giant squirt

for Neil kind well you have to practice to get your arm out and then back down you have to bring like laminated pornography as well flat quite as much it's like fucking

clinical government pornography look Hawk you have to be able to look out of your finder here. I mean, it is just such a morbid fucking image, though, to end this stupid old man space movie.

And he's got the blast shield dance. You don't even see his face. Right. I want to see him bleeding from the eyes. Yeah, exactly. Crying blood like his fucking face got more... He should have compressed the fucking helmet off. That's what I would do too. Yeah, because I would take the cyanide capsule. Or you know what, dude,

you cut to the moon and he's not there. and then you pan further out and suddenly he's on the event horizon. Speaking of bleeding from your eyes. Sequel set up, dude. Eventorizing 2, Tommy Lee Jones. Hey, cool. It's my buddy Lawrence Fisherwood.

Uh-oh, Sam Neal. Look out. Don't know in that room, Sam Neal, no. Hey, hold on. Isn't it a Hellraiser movie? What? Port of the hell. What does this go?

The ship go right to my mother-in-law's house. Isn't there another not Breckenmeyer in that movie, too? Probably. Yeah, I know you're wrong. Yeah, the guy's another not, Brigger Meyer. That's the end of this fucking dumb movie. Would anybody recommend it? No, no, no, no, no. It's better left forgotten. Better left left on the moon. It's boring. That's an old man, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come here, Jimmy. Yeah, it's like a no, no, it's like a no. Happy birthday. You know what, happy birthday? No, it's a no. Happy birthday. No. Grandpa, did you forget my birthday? No. No, no, no, no. That is a $20 bill.

It's, yeah, no. This swath of Eastwood, I am like, don't watch any of them. I would say most. I know you would, Steve. We're all having fun. We're all having fun. The thing that we didn't really, I think, highlight is it's two hours and ten minutes. It's not long.

It's insane that they allowed this to be this long. And it's four movies. Yeah. it's like it's four movies it's like basically four movies i don't know yeah it should have been tv show instead yeah um i would recommend if it's online somewhere i didn't check if you could check out the j leno segment but other than that i'd say no as well it's pretty dull even though at the time i think it's got like 78% on rotten tomatoes or something it's pretty well received if i remember correctly it was on people's top 10 lists of the year oh my god

2000 was just the cashiers to cinema or that was the one cited by wikipa i'm sorry what did you just say the cashiers de cinema kaii i know it's a joke you idiot okay as long as you know what it's actually called because that would be a rippee kaii do cinema that's a real that's a real dad error oh right i'm sorry i got it from foam comment i was also calling it cashiers before because check please with that list yikes It was number nine on their list. Wait, on Kaye-Ducin? Yes.

Oh my God, that's fucking terrible. Guess what? The French are jokes. They think they're all arty, but they're not. Well, they do love Jerry Lewis. That's pretty embarrassing. I would not recommend this movie. I'd rather take a ride on the 1517 to Paris.

I'd rather fly with Sully. I'd rather get shot in a head by American sniper. All of these movies I fucking hated also. But like this, it's just embarrassing. And like, I am a sucker. for Clint Eastwood acting in a movie. Yeah. And that is why it should be of no shock to you guys. You look at the release year of this movie. I saw this in the theaters.

I think I did too. I think it was like, I think I just rolled up to the theater and it was like, well, that's the next thing playing. Yeah. And it was like, oh boy, Clint Eastwood. I know him from TV, you know, broadcasts only. Like, here's my chance. And I will admit it to you guys and everyone listening to home. I fucking bought it on DVD. Oh, wow. I think you cried at the end. No, no, no. But this was definitely. definitely like the if I saw it first and then noticed it was for sale at a Best Buy. You were coming home with me, buddy. Space Cowboys DVD. You better believe it. Get in my cart. Chris, did you see the, what was it the 518? 1517. Whatever. Did you see it? I did see it. What did you think? It's interesting. It's not very good. I didn't see it. I think it's curious. I mean, the casting thing I actually think is pretty interesting to watch. Here's a tip. Cast actors. I think it's more interesting to watch that. I mean, I genuinely thought it was an interesting.

Unless you're making short bus, which I would love to see Clint Eastwood's short bus. No, no, no. I would love to see Clint East would watch the first few minutes of short bus. Wait, what? Why am I stuck to this chair? Reversely, James Cameron Mitchell's the 1517 to Paris would be quite something. John Cameron Mitchell. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend this.

But I guess, you know, if it's on television, there's worse things that have been broadcast. hangover it's quiet yeah it's certainly quiet dude you won't be laughing you won't be thrilled even the launch is a little quiet it is very quiet you can fade in and out of this one too really oh yeah even during the fucking nuclear missile thing it is dull as dog shit yep yep dull as dog shit is the final uh remarks about this movie i guess uh that is space cowboys directed by clint eastwood himself i just realized in my notes i typed clint eat wood. Hey, what?

I only did that in college. Oh, great. Now I'm back in high school. That's not my name, guys. That's not my name. I said if Mitt Romney wasn't elected, I would eat that stool. Eat in wood. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out that Patreon.

We Got Going. Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. A bunch of fun stuff over there. Star Trek, Extra Episodes. We've got a brand new episode on the movie Serenity with Matt McCona. a hay super fun oh yeah dude i should mention people don't realize once you some people don't some people do now they're about you will be on the

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next week Steve Sadek what will we be talking about next week speaking of Serenity we're talking Matt McCona Hayes the ghosts of girlfriends pass oh Christ it's a creepy one it's a creepy one

oh I like that it's him and Jennifer Garner I believe and Michael Douglas as a pervert ghost what Michael Douglas is that movie I'm stoked. Does he have a scarf, a sex scarf? He basically is playing Robert Evans as a sex ghost.

Yeah. Stay tuned for Robert Evans' sex ghost. So until next week with a sex ghost, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddharic. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. podcast.