We Hate Movies - S9 Ep422: Episode 422 - Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang chats about the sex-crazed rom-"com," Ghosts of Girlfriends Past! Why didn't McConaughey's scarf get more play? Why did they say Robert Forster's character served in Korea? And is Emma Stone's character supposed to be dead? PLUS: David Attenborough narrates Connor Mead's gross sex life! Ghosts of Girlfriends Past stars Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Michael Douglas, Breckin Meyer, Lacey Chabert, Robert Forster, Anne Archer, Emma Stone, Daniel Sunjata, and Noureen DeWulf; directed by Mark Waters. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

on this week's episode how is this man not riddled with crabs it's ghosts of girlfriends past i'm andrew jupin stephen say that chris kevin eric ciscus and we hate movies Hello everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Hi. Hi. We hate movies as a comedy show where we take a movie and use it as a jumping off point for some silliness. Comitia. Yeah, this week's selection, man. Ghost of Girlfriends Pass from the year 2009, directed by Mark Waters. Yeah.

So this is your classic riff on a Dickensian tale, man. Dick Kensian. It's Christmas Carol meets horny. If I may, this is a hallmark Christmas movie basically given a $100 million budget or however many, much less than that. 60 million. Take out Casper Van Dean, put Matthew McConaughey in it. And appropriately, Lacey Chabares in all those fucking movies.

And so is her bridesmaid Rachel Boston. They're both like Hallmark Staples. Rachel Boston? She's like the main bridesmaid. They're like the dark, the, not the blonde, but the brown-haired girl. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I prefer Rachel New York.

You're talking about the one who bangs Breck and Meyer in this movie or has bang? No, no, that's the other one. Oh, I see. It's a third one. In any event. It doesn't matter. I'm just saying, nice work if you can get it being in that fucking hallmark stakeable of actors. and the only way you can stay in there is to not bribe schools to have your daughter get in.

Yeah, that's right. Once you do that, they'll kick you right out the circle. Lori Laughlin. Her character was written off that show. Wow. Wait, there was a program. Yeah, there was a Canadian show about like the Canadian Old West. Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Who's laughing now? Home is where the heart is or some nonsense. Oh, I thought you were talking about Fuller House. Dead Poutine? Dead Puteen. Oh, man, Canadian Deadwood. What are you going to do about it? Oh, sorry, sorry.

We're too polite to have gunfights. Oh, we're all getting along here. We're all getting along. That's nice, eh? Get me a glass of maple syrup straight up. Would you like universal health care with that? I don't know. Maybe we should call them the Mounties.

There is a Mountie at this show, man. Yeah, dude. Very cool. Yeah, it's super cool. So the Ghost of Girlfriends Pass. is the Dickensian thing. Yeah. You got your Matthew McConaughey in this.

Matthew McConaughey, man. Which unfortunately makes this movie just a little bit of an impossible charmer for me. Speaking of an impossible charmers than Matthew McConaghanet, we just did an episode on our Patreon feed on Serenity. Oh, right. Which has a twist that I won't release here. Right.

But the episode I listen to it is very funny. Oh, good. You guys do video game talking. It's really fun. And it is a much better movie than this. On my scales, I would say. Yes, I kind of agree. I would rather watch Serenity.

I'd rather watch Serenity. I think they're convincing me. I politely disagree. Serenity. What's the matter with you, too? It's like something to see as opposed to something that's nothing. This movie's got sex demons and intrigue. That's a really good point.

I really do think it should have been called Diseases of Sex Past. So we open in its New York City. Wow. Bop, bap, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. All fucking, every romantic comedy begins with an aerial shot. New York City, no matter what. They cut to Chicago. And they pan out and they're, oh shit.

Cut to Chicago. Yeah, Matthew McConaughey plays Connor Mead. He is a notorious pussy hound slash fashion photographer is the idea here. and we see him like a day on the job and it's like I was getting like skeved out just looking at this place he's like you know he's like filming all these beautiful women

and then he's like hey who wants to have lunch of me next week no no no it's got to be three at a time I'm regular sex is meaningless at this point threesomes are bust brother one on ones don't do it for me man you know what I'm saying I gotta have multiple partners at all times. You need to take numbers

like an old-fashioned deli. And the lady will call your number and then you can come up and make your case. Let me tell you, this soup never gets sent back. Ball soup every time it's piping hot. But he's just a professional pervert.

You don't see him like setting up the cameras or doing anything really remotely photographer-e. He's just like, yeah, I walk in with a semi, I press a button and I leave. By semi-hard on. Not a truck.

Yeah, I just walk in with my big truck here, me and the truck take pictures. My truck dick. This dick's got 18 wheels. I met Optimus Prime at an orgy about a decade ago, and he comes with me wherever I go. Yeah, I changed his oil. Conor Mead, if you are not wrapping it up,

I am not participating in the gang bang. And I will not share needles with you, Conor Mead. Oh, man. What year is this? Honestly. Oh, Carter, stop spraying me with your thick gasoline. Oh, God. Hey, Optimus, this chick's more into you, but I'm going to fuck her first, dude.

That's right. You got to look out for Conor Mead and the orgy. I'm going to cut the line. That's right. I'm going to fuck a Kawasaki. Connor Mead doesn't take numbers, man. He makes numbers. All right.

I don't even know what that means. I took a number two. I'm making numbers number two. I'm into shit play now. Oh, dude. I mean, he's done it all, right? Yeah, for sure, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, damn it. Hey, man, I was on a photo shoot in Germany one time, man, got into that Shazer play. He's done everything, including, like, the illegal stuff. Oh, fucked a chicken, man. I woulda. So he waltzes in here, you know, takes a couple of photos, and his new client is this musician. And it's this insane thing where, like, these women just surround the singer. Yeah.

And are, like, tearing off her clothes. Yeah. And she's like, this is like a vanity fair thing. What's happening here? And he's like, no, just lay back. It's cool. Just ride the ride, man. And then they put it for sexual terror.

They put an apple on her head. And she's like, wait, what's happening? No, no, it's cool. And then this woman comes in this Japanese woman who's got a bow and arrow. Well, he's like running this whole thing. He's like, first of all, pulling a little inspiration from my brother, Sir Isaac Newton. And then he's talking about how this woman was like. this like Olympian, like this Olympic level archer.

Oh, yeah, man. She played in Beijing, brother. Play six. Don't worry about it. It's just wonderful. He also, just like, because he has to start nagging her immediately, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard your music. And unless I was tone deaf, I would have listened to more.

I'm not, she says, are you a fan of my music? He goes, I'm not 12 years old and tone deaf. So no, I am not a fan of your music. Nagged. Get that in the Negg department. Oh, my God. So let's describe what Negging is. Yeah, for those at home who didn't watch that fucking shitty special with that guy.

What? What special with that? Wasn't that there was a television special? Or was it a series? Was it I hope? The pickup artist with mystery? You remember that from the bottoms of 2003? No, I do not.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. That's what I thought you were, that's where I thought you got this information from because that dude that show was he's like i'm gonna let you in on all the secrets of how to be a fucking date rapist like this was a show that aired on like fox or something sure and part of it was negging sure being negative towards a woman if you're negative towards them you treat them like shit they'll just fucking eat it up man totally that's it so i guess we explained it we just said but he's negative but like and also i guess this woman has no management at all like when you're a musician and you go to a photo shoot where's her

team. Tell me what's going to happen before I show up. Exactly. And if stuff goes wrong, the team's like, well, we're going to walk if this is going to happen. What are we talking about here? Well, I guess the whole thing is maybe you're just to believe, you know, well, this is Connor fucking Mead, man. She's big enough to be a fucking cover of Vanity Fair.

Yeah. That you run the world at that point. Well, I mean, I think. I mean, run of the world, Kevin. Running the world. Kevin. They're all in the Illumani. Yeah. I fucked Annie Leavich, whatever, dude. That was a wild ride. Who was taking pictures of who, brother.

You know what I'm saying? She goes deep, man. She goes so deep. It's just lovely. So, yeah, the whole... We see the final product here. This woman launches an arrow at this other woman's head. The photograph is the arrow hitting the apple.

The woman is taking like a sexy, cute pose, but she's really terrified for my life. By the way, this is Christina Millian, who is an actual, I think, a musical artist. Oh, I had no idea who this person was. But also the angles don't work Like because the photo looks like shit It looks like Photoshop garbage You know I'll tell you what though Better movie

This woman gets shot in the face with that arrow Oh dude oh shit I'm on trial for murder Oh no not again These are Again These are some different ghosts I'm getting visited by now brother Oh fuck Jack McCoy's been looking for an excuse to get me man

So then immediately after this photo shop Why did she have the apple on her head? Because it was like a William Tail thing we were doing And then immediately after this photo is taken He's like having intercourse with his woman In his office door unlocked fucking shades open Well he's got and then he's got this button

That closes the shades and locks the door It's a real fucking Lauer button Yeah me and Matt Lauer button Dude Yeah me and Matt Lauer we got the same button guy I'm the button guy What do you want done to your office? I mean it better be button

installation. I usually have those that like the walls close in to squish somebody. That's my main gig. I used to work for the Joker. Now I work for Matt Lauer and Connor Mead. Listen, Connor, you called the button guy. And I think what you're really looking for in this situation is a lever. I don't do levers, Connor. I'm the button guy. You want a button with a trap door that goes into I said, yes, that is me. That is entirely my thing. But if you want that trap door to open by lever, I'm out. So you don't want spikes to come up from the floor.

Well, then I walk. I'm walking. Yeah, you've got a button in it. Yeah, it does like lock the door. The shades goes, it's creepy as fuck. It's terrified. Well, it doesn't lock the door because his assistant keeps walking in. I guess that's fair.

Lauer took it one step. He supersized it. What's her name? Melanie. His sister Melanie comes in and played by this woman who was born in Georgia in case her Atlanta, Georgia,

but she's just, she's an Indian actress. So it's like, oh, this character's Indian. And like, oh yeah, so am I.

Well, no, she's like, you know, Indian. Because she's doing like an Indian accent. Yeah,

could you, could you up that accent? I need you to apuify this by another like 28%. Tony Danza from Crash comes in. He's like, look, this is what we're trying to do

with this character. Oh my God, I forgot. I got all about that. Yeah, it's like, it's like some TV show he's doing in that movie. Yeah, I think so. And the guy's like, what? I'm acting.

It's like, yeah, you're not acting the right way. Hey, you're an Indian actress. Yeah, yeah, but you got to be more Indian. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, wait, you're going to eat a sandwich. How about some curry? Yeah, totally. We switch out this sandwich, please.

And she, yeah, so she's doing that. She's kind of funny in this movie. She is pretty funny. She has a funny line at the end of the film. But so her whole thing is like, by the way, way there's like three women on the horn for you and he's like how cool man yeah could you just like break up with them for me and she's like no I'm definitely not gonna do that so then there's this weird like video conference call with the four of them he's like I'm gonna break up with you

all at once man check this out and like that's yeah that's his character but like at this point it's easier just to write one email copy and paste it send it three times just make sure on the pasting dude you're switching out names oh you gotta you gotta you gotta you gotta you gotta you gotta control F that shit every single time. I've definitely had work emails where I'm doing that to like book a bunch of films and stuff and like I'll I had a couple times where it was like paste

oh I forgot to switch out the title and then you get this thing where it's like that's not our film I'm like oh I'll do that with working like that's not my name like yeah but you're doing the same fucking shit you know what's going on. You know what's going on oh so you're nagging too

I neck everybody dude oh dude yeah email nags but like yeah I really don't believe that he doesn't have a template at this point because we eventually find out he's fucking

been with more women than wilt the stilt totally it's insane like just I don't believe that this is just what's going to happen

yeah man that was my life goal just to beat out Chamberlain for that record yeah hey all right I was trying to go for rebounds too

but that didn't work out so just go for the sex stuff blew my knee out in college so just just going for a sex then. So we learned that his brother is getting married and he's like, oh fuck man

rehearsal dinners tonight, huh? I had no idea, man. And this is the family stuff and also which we'll get to which is him as a younger man like if you're casting Matthew McConaughey in a movie, his brother's got to be Southern. You just like you get Breck and Meyer like you got to do his accent

or you got to do something close to his accent. Well right and I will say like we are just kind of jokingly doing the all right all right McConaughey thing. He's doing his best to dial it back. Is he? He absolutely is. Because he's not doing, he, there is not a single all right in this. Oh no, but I mean, his accent is, no, I know, no, I know. But what I'm saying is he's he's attempting as best as he can. Yes. As a man with a thick southern accent to flatten it for this role versus other things where he's letting it fly. Like, like, uh, moon dog is

way more southern than this character is, is what I'm saying. Well, he's in the south. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But it's still there, so you need something. I didn't notice it. I didn't notice any flattening. It's flat. No, it's flattened. I'm Connor Mead.

I'm Paul Mead. Yeah, exactly. Well, then you have Breck and Meyer. You just need something like Danny McBride. You know what I mean? Like, there you go. Oh, fuck. That would have been cool.

That would have been great. They should play brothers. You know, Mary and Lacey Shabair like, uh. Yeah, she lost a bet. What of it? Robert Forster is my fucking father-in-law. Do you believe it? Better movie, first of all.

I mean, yes. Breckenmeier has never improved anything. No, he's not. This movie, I always find Breckenmeier, well, I always give Breckenmeier a pass because I think he's very funny and clueless. Sure. And I'm never, like, offended that he's in something.

But this movie is asking a lot of Breckenmeyer, and we are not getting me. I think he is terrible in this. I'm just negging him because I want to fuck him. I mean, that Breckenmeier, he's ugly and he's terrible. Eric just watches. a tale of two kitties and just gets fucking horny and shit. What is this?

It's the second Garfield movie. Breckenmeier played John Arbuckle in those movies. In a living form? Yeah. A cartoon. Yeah. Holy shit. I got to watch these Garfield movies.

No, you don't. Just save it for when we inevitably do them. And he also made a lot of money on that robot chicken. That's right. I forgot he's got that RC money. That's Seth Green, right? No, but Breckenmeier's in it. They're buds.

Really? The two of them, like, it's their thing. Did they bond over height or something? that's exactly I forget how short he is but that I remember then like McConaughey looks like Will Chamberlain

standing next year and just for the record I am fairly certain Breckenmire's a lot taller than Seth Green yeah well you know just to give you that idea Seth Green

I want to fuck Seth Green man that little fucking tiny piece of shit that's the show we hate movies we want to fuck movies we're just making movies we're just passionate

to fuck movies that's exactly right we want to fuck movies so the original title. They're like, you know what, dude? It turned out it was too long for the fucking iTunes entry.

I couldn't do this. There's just a page of different scrolled out names and right in the middle. We want to fuck movies. I don't think those boys want to fuck movies at all. Negative.

So, yeah, McConaughey pulls up to this gorgeous fucking Wayne Manor looking in Connecticut, right? Is that where the juror? I think it was in Massachusetts.

Massachusetts. juice it? Oh, okay. Gorgeous fucking house. It is very Wayne Manoran. We'll get there, actually. When do we get there? But there's something I got to say about that. Fair enough. Steve Saneck, he can barely hold his tongue any longer about this house. He's about to neg

this house. I'm going to neg this house. I'm going to neg it. This house sucks. This molding is garbage. The house is like, oh my God. Who's that guy? Oh, my God. I got a little tingle in my foundation. My fireplace. Oh, my God. Cut a hole in the drywall and go to town. I bet you there's a fucking Steve Seda quote-unquote documentary somewhere about that.

I bet you right. I fucked my own house. Up next on BBC. I fucked my own house. Well, that's close to I Married the Eiffel Tower, which is an excellent film. Oh, that is some funny shit there. Maybe that's the sequel. It's a spiritual sequel.

I married the Eiffel Tower and then I fucked my own house. Followed quickly by My Balls Are On Fire and I Love It. I divorced the shed So he gets there It's like it's the middle of which It should be Christmas by the way We're doing everything else We're doing a Christmas wedding

It's snowy anyway Whatever like just do it Yeah yeah you're totally right And so it's like the rehearsal dinner Is what he walks in on Some of these people in their weddings You can have a rehearsal dinner But like everyone's staying at the house

Now it's my whole weekend You know what? Well it's a wedding weekend Those are things are things. I mean, when you got people coming from out of town, you can't just expect to come for a night. Make a thing of it. Make a thing of it. And here's my first, like, problem with this whole stuff, because he forgets that it's like, he has to be reminded all of a sudden, like, oh, oh, shit, it is. It's my brother's wedding this weekend. And he's apparently the best

man. And, like, he hates being at this thing. Yeah. I do not believe he doesn't love weddings. This is a guy who 100% loves that. I had the exact same thought. I'm like, this should be him being like, oh, man, it's like shooting fish in a barrel here, brother. What happened to the Bachelor Party? Great question. That's what I was thinking, too. Yeah, he's, I'm the best man. I'd go to Vegas and fuck the world, baby. Well, this is 2009. We've already had, like, the hangover. I feel like we had to sort of steer clear bachelor parties for a little bit. This movie written by the same team behind the Hangover. Is that right? Well, I can't believe there

wasn't a fucking hilarious rapist Mike Tyson cameo. Do you know that this movie was originally supposed to star Ben Affleck. Yeah. Really? And it was supposed to be directed by Kevin Smith. It was like going to be like right after it was right after

Gile this like Gile axed this for a couple of years and they're like I don't know just give it to McConaughey. Kind of the same movie. Mark Waters. McConaughey's got more sexual charisma than Bada.

Oh sure. Absolutely. We take the word sexual out of there just charisma in general. Also that. But like I feel like Matthew McConaughey like makes love to somebody. Ben Affleck just like

rage fucks things while the television is on it's like being hit by a board he's a drive he drives into plow town every time dude we're just nagging ben afflick again come on batman fuck me I mean you were inevitably you're the worst Batman you're the worst Batman you're the worst Batman and this is after Clooney you fucking idiot he goes up socks suck it's the rehearsal and Robert Forrester is the minister, it seems like. That's what we're looking at.

Well, he's not a minister. He was ordained. We find out that he's her dad. He's the serge. And he was in Korea. This age does not work out at all for this. Just do Vietnam. Like, that's like, that might be the thing

is like, whenever they wrote this movie 12 years ago, it was Korea. And you were going to have like, I don't know, fucking Carol O'Connor in or whatever. Whatever you were going for. Oh, come on, meathead. You're not going to marry my daughter. Like, you know, if you're doing that, that's fine.

But, like, when you recast Robert Forster, it's Vietnam now. And that makes sense. And it's just, those are those things where I'm like, why? Yes. Why is this a mistake that was allowed to happen in a major motion picture put out by New Line Cinema? Or Robert Forster is like, oh, cool script. Yes, I'll do your movie. You know I was 12 years old in Korea, right?

Yeah, exactly. Like, just think about these things. You lazy production. So I was actually in the Med Corps. I wasn't actually fighting in that war. He was a drummer boy, dude. Leading the back. So Matthew McConaughey immediately is going up to his little brother, Breck and Meyer, being like,

hey, man, let me talk to you very quick, sick. You sure you want to go through with this brother? We can call it off right now, man. I'll charter a private jet. We'll go to fucking Shanghai right now. I've ignored literally everything you've said to me for the last seven years. So here we go. Do you want to leave this place now?

Now. And it's the thing where, like, he's like, And he's like, no, man, I'm kind of getting married right now. But if you stay single, you can wear these sexy scabs like I got. I can't believe that the scarf, which is given so much attention in the first like 10 minutes of this movie, does not have some sort of magic capability. It must. It never leaves his body. Like he's got different ones, I think.

Oh, it's like Dr. Strange, man. That's what it should be, a sentient scarf, man. Hey, scarf. What do you think, man? Should not bang this chick or wood? Okay. Clean up afterwards, I guess. Hey, Shgarf, why don't you call her a taxi, dude?

So he's watching a J&B taxi. No, I'm not hearing. Oh, it's a scarf. It's a scarf. The scarf can talk. Okay, yeah, go to 1.15, East 15th Street. So there's a really uncomfortable, like, bit of moments there where he's like, no, I definitely want to get married. Lacey Shabair is kind of doing like a Bridezilla situation here.

And we have Jennifer Garner, who is the maid of honor. Pretty good older sister casting, I think. Uh, yeah. I don't think it's a sister sister. Oh, they're not related? No. They're just buddies? Oh, wow.

I guess I didn't watch this movie. Fucking found you out, Steve. No, I mean, that's the next level. That's the next level of nagging a movie, right? I didn't even fucking watch it. I didn't even fucking watch you. I was going to say, it's the next tier of Patreon is I actually watch the movies. You know, you, you chip in.

Then I'm going to start watching some of these movies. No, it's not how to lose girls. friends past. I really thought, oh, yeah, well, I was confused. I was like, well, when is she going to talk about her little sister in these flashbacks? Well, I guess that doesn't make it. Yeah, no, I think they're just friends. So, there's

a weird thing where, like, he sort of is asked to, like, leave the room right here. So he's walking around this house. It's the house that they grew up in, uh, formerly owned by Uncle Wayne. And we're looking at like the Uncle Wayne Hall of Fame. There's like photographs. And here we have Michael Douglas doing his best Robert Evans

character. We also have, like i think right before this is like he's he's building up the the whole uncle wayne thing and he's just like you know uncle wayne used to have week long orgies in this house oh yeah totally oh cool oh thanks can we burn this place to the ground glad we're having this wedding here you see how the walls are white that's actually painted with cun and he's like oh man dean martin used to come here him and uncle wayne used to do some crazy shit man oh yeah uh uh orison wells totally ate and shit in that bathroom, man. After

Uncle Wayne passed, they found a bunch of skeletons in the incinerator. They actually found bodice in the wall, not unlike their movie Shakario. He says that Dean Martin passed out in that bathroom and then

drank out of the bidet. Okay. It's supposed to be funny. I guess so. Well, but did they never even say, I mean, I didn't watch the movie so you'll get to let me know. Sure. Do they even say who Uncle Wayne is, why he's so famous, why he's so rich, why he's so whatever? I don't think so.

It's Michael Douglas. I mean, that's not. Oh, yeah, I know that. It's just he was raised by his uncle because Joe Chil killed his parents. Something like that. Makes sense. So, yeah, they go, so like he's walking around. It's now the rehearsal.

And this is my thing. I understand a wedding weekend. But like, they're doing the wedding and then they're going to do the wedding again. They're in the exact same space they're going to do the wedding in. The same amount of people are there That's the big problem There's way too many people at this rehearsal dinner Sure

That's supposed to be for the most part People directly involved in the ceremony I guess everyone for the wedding is staying there To well so maybe it's also like a like a welcome dinner That's a little more legit They have like bars in their house Yeah Well this was Uncle Wayne Manor

It's fucking Uncle Wayne Manor Yeah I mean so at the rehearsal It's also important to remember. So all Jennifer Garner and at least two more of the bridesmaids have fucked Matthew McConae before. Right.

And all of the groomsmen want to fuck him. Oh yeah. He's got really badly. This is a gag that doesn't really ever take shape as like the nerdy groomsmen they're like around but like we want to do it but we don't want to do it. Absolutely. And it's the totally overplayed like you know

these nerds are like really horny for this dude because he's supposed to be so cool and they're like oh we've heard the tales. We've heard the Legends. It's like, oh, you had treatment for chlamydia. I'm so glad to teach you. Oh, my God. And Matthew McConaughey is doing the thing where you're at a really uncomfortable social situation like this where he, everyone else is having a nice salad and he's just pounding scotch. That's the move. He's double fisting them. Hey, man, you're going to keep these coming for me. All nap, brother. Okay. It's one thing to be like a womanizer and a sex fiend, whatever. Like, that's your business, which is totally fine.

Is it? No, not really. want it to be wet constantly? That's your prerogative. But like he's doing this thing where he's like oh man, he's at his brother's wedding. He's at his brother's wedding. He's like, yeah, love is just horseshit, baby. And it's like okay, then don't be in it. I'm just negging

the wedding because I want the wedding to be into me. But it's that same thing, Steve, I totally get this because it's like how when you have like a really obnoxious atheist that like, yes, openly is like people who fucking have religion are stupid. And you're just

Like, if you want to be single, stop. You don't invite Ricky Jervaise over. That's what you're doing. To anywhere. Invade that in general. If you want to be single forever, go ahead. But like, just don't go to a wedding and be a dick about it. And how does Paul not know this?

How does he not like fucking, no, it's fine. Just send a fucking flower bouquet. I'm good. Or you call him the week before like, hey man, I really, I really need you to be there. Like, you're practically my dad. I just need you to be a human being for 48. Can't do it. Sorry, can't do it.

That's a hard no, brother. There should be. there should totally be that phone call. It shouldn't be the assistant reminds him. It should be Breck and Meyer calls him at the office. Like, oh, hey man, what's going on? And it's like, uh, my rehearsal dinner is starting soon. Are you coming?

Can you pick up some champagne on the way? And I need you to behave this wedding weekend, Conor Mead. Like I know you were raised in West Texas and I in New Hampshire, but we're still brothers. What are you going to do if I don't behave? Have you going to spank me? Don't neg me. We cross swords at one time. We could do it again, bro.

Yeah, why don't we have sex all wedding weekend? Oh, shit, I just got negged by the U.S. government. I kind of want to fuck the U.S. government tax season, baby. Fucking finally, man, instead of the U.S. government fucking me. You know what I'm saying, America? All right, man. Sitting here with some double-fisted whiskies. I haven't been double-fisted in so long.

Just waiting around here to be double-fisted. Oh, dude. Yeah, every hole is in play with the kind of hand. Absolutely. As much his salad, whatever. First of all, as well, it should be. Oh, absolutely. If you're going for it, go for it, dude.

Absolutely. Try all the fruits in the garden, baby. So, you know, there's a bit of a freak out because there's not dates on this salad. We see more of this, like, Bradzilla joke. And, like, Lacey Chabre is funny enough. She is. I mean, this is what got her, her lifetime contract at Hallmark Entertainment. Is she always playing, like, the free?

freak out character? Well, no, she's just, she's like the lead, but like, that's, she could just do it all, man. Now, Steve, let me ask you about these terrible movies that you watch constantly. Yeah, for sure. What is the percentage of these that have like the are shot in Canada? 100%.

No, that without question. But no, the gift, the power, the glory of the Lord in them. Oh, that's very light. Oh, is that right? Yes. She does do the religious stuff. But it's separate from this stuff? Yeah, the hallmark. She does it all. Oh, yeah, she does it all.

I bet you she's got a fucking gold toilet then, man. If you're fucking dabbling in both of those worlds? Me, Connor Mead, made her dress up like Moses one time. Oh, she does religious stuff, dude. She poured her, she parted my waters, I'll tell you that much. Hey, man, I got spanked with one of the Ten Commandments. Yeah, take that tablet, slap it against my butt cheeks. And then for the next morning, when she got all the VD from me, it was like the plagues of Egypt.

so after this freak out Matthew McConaughey goes into the restroom and this is where he sees Michael Douglas as Uncle Wayne the ghost of Uncle Wayne urinating kind of trying to do like a Jacob Marley situation same smoking jacket by the way

it's a sex demon he's like what like a succubis or an incubus or something it's an incubus I kind of think you're right because I think that he's like an insidious demon And like you just take Because like the ghosts in this movie Aside from him Right

Don't make any sense Because they're all living people Right Yes Although when we get to Emma Stone We're not sure Maybe she got brutally murdered She says she's dead

Oh that's right Dude black dolly No she doesn't She does not She does not she does not say she's dead But towards the end of the film She just says she's 16 She's a goat

Doesn't she say we're both ghosts They're both ghosts But the ghosts of girlfriends' present is a woman who's clearly living in the film. It's like, and it's relationship ghosts, I guess, like people you used to know, but it's so ill-defined. That's why I think it's a demon that haunts this house that takes various...

It's a demon trickster. Yes, exactly. There we go. That's where we need it. This is a trickster situation. First, taking the form of the State Buff marshmallow man, then rethinking itself outside before it comes into the mansion, and then it takes the form of Uncle Wayne. Exactly. The traveler has come.

Michael Douglas Form of Michael Douglas It's just Michael A giant Michael Douglas Going up to the Empire State Police You want to get fucked Come on you want to get fucked

See our Disclosure episode Yeah wow That takes me back Michael Douglas I'm sorry Speaking of it It makes sense that Douglas would be this character

Because Douglas has Had a sexually charged career Oh absolutely Yeah You can just smell it coming off the screen here Disclosure, basic instinct. In real life, he's also just

fucked his way. And he talks about it constantly. Yeah, at that time, you remember I had that throat cancer? Remember how I got it? Looking up on the internet. Not going to say it on your program here. Not going to say it on we fuck movies.

That's it, right? That's the name. He has a line where he goes, because, like, Matthew McConaughey kind of like pokes him to see if he's corporeal and he goes, hey, I never touch a man when he's hanging a wire. Yeah. It's something.

You're going to be visited by three ill-defined ghosts tonight. Exactly. He's got to spell out what's going on here, you know, and so McConaughey, of course, it's like talking about freakouts. He goes to the downstairs bar like, oh man, I need a drink, I need a drink, and proceeds to immediately grab a complete stranger's breasts.

Sure. Why wouldn't you? That's a form of necking is just grabbing people, groping. Groping is in the negging camp. I don't know what these people do. How about when you read, I hope they served beer in hell? I did not, actually. You watch all the sex freak docs. Yeah, but that's a different situation.

Those are people, yeah, that's not like tickled. I guess they're just not giving you tips. Yeah. You're just watching them in progress. Sure. Yeah. So he gropes, he gropes this poor. woman. It turns out to be the mother of the bride.

She's kind of into it because he's Matthew McConnell. Sure. She's into it like, yeah, right up until, you know, there's an introduction then he's like, all right, wait, let me get one thing straight here. Is this like off limits, man, because you're like the mother of the bride and I'm the brother of the groom. Oh, holy shit, you're going to be

short of my mom. That is on my bucket list. I try, I wanted to fuck my mom, but she died too soon. Oh. So now, that's like one of the few things I haven't fucked his mom. If you say no, I'm getting a shovel. he's out back. Oh.

And Archer, you were bad in those Jack Ryan movies. You were just bad. Come on, fuck me. Come on, fuck me. An Archer, just do it. You know you won't to. He's definitely had sex with the dad at some point.

For sure. This guy has had every type of sex. Necrophilia, dendrophilia, bibliophilia. Yeah, I fucked a book. Why do you think they called it the dictionary, brother? Have you ever fucked a barbed wire French? It will take you to another. Plain, brother.

You want to go to the Biblioteca? Cabin fucking Barbwire means you just watch that documentary Knieva again? Yes again. Number two. What is this? This is a guy that fucks barbed wire? He just gets erotically

charged from me. He's not really fucking it per se. Oh my God, you watched a sex documentary. I'm going to lose my mind about it. It's not a sex documentary at all. It's a documentary about a cannibal. Well, even better. Well, you're angry that you haven't seen this one? No, I'm just angry that I watched documentaries and I'm a monster.

We didn't recommend it to them. You watch weird YouTube uploads and call them documentaries. I don't call them documentaries. They call themselves documentaries and I continue the fashion. Have you watched all the unboxing series? Documentary. Yeah, I don't watch documentaries because I'm not a pervert. Oh, is that true?

Yeah. Oh, shit. All I do is watch documentaries, baby. And by that I mean, it's me previously having sex. I call Richard Attenborough. He narrates him. Richard Attenborough, yeah, he narrates my sex tapes. My favorite documentaries are trailers from Hale.

They're just fantastic. All right, Connor, I'll do enough. And then, yes, Connor will mount this woman again. Oh, I think this is David Attenborough. That's right. And now the mating is over, and the scarf has called her a cabin. She is safe for now. Oh, there's no condom there.

Surprise, surprise. The most dangerous dance, Connor does. Before or after, she realizes he's not wearing a condom. Oh, interesting. He doesn't want to go down on her. Oh, look at that. A refusal to pull out. And now his filthy spunk is...

go on finish it is it's it's diseasing her in real time let's watch diseaseing it looks like someone needs to fuck a dictionary dude send me to the bibliodeca man so he you know they decide like they cannot have sexual intercourse she walks away uh Jennifer Garner walks up to the bar and the bridesmaids uh well the whole wedding party is trying to set her up with Daniel Sunyatta who is in this movie. So there's a bit of like awkwardness going out at the bar.

Jennifer Garner basically tells him off the first of many times in this movie right here. Tells off Matthew McConaughey. Yes, sorry. Tells off Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey makes a plan right here to, he's going to sleep

with the last of the bridemaids that he has not had yet. And he is planning something very, very some temple of doom shit. Hey, Kalima, shock the day, brother. He tells this lady, he's like, now I want you to go upstairs, go to my room and I want you to start boiling

a pot of water and then I want you to go into my bag and find my chicken claw and I want you to put it into boiling water and then get naked and wait for me to do some really weird boo-do shit to you. Now get, start warming up that eyeball soup, but wait for me

to cut the snake open. Now the prayer starts with the blood of the innocent must run through the home. Yes, yet again at his brother's wedding, Connor Mead can only shoot in under occult circumstances.

Oh, look at this. The spell has been successfully cast. He can only get aroused whilst the music is playing, a la the voodoo curse from Weekend at Bernays, to... Shit, shit. Shit, did I leave my sheep brains at home? Motherfucker.

Oh, shit, we can't even do the ceremony. Thought I packed the sheep brains, man. And I mean, like, he's a good-looking guy. It's my favorite fucking McConaughey. I get it. but everyone's like oh yeah I'll do that for you instead of being like the fuck did you just say yeah I'll fuck that chicken claw

it's like yeah no I want to have casual sex I'm totally having casual sex with you I have no idea what you just said I'm not sure if it was a joke it's funny because casual sex is the thing that he keeps bringing up in this movie he's like hey man when did we start persecuting casual

sex which is like saying to any like at a dinner he's like hey man I drown myself in a river a casual sex What? You did what exactly? What are your thoughts on casual sex? Swim in a lake of sex is the line. I was like, yeah, well, I work in accounting. Yeah, my, we have a little fantasy football team. What do you do? Oh, I drowned myself in an ocean of casual sex. Which is a fancy way to say that I'm a sex addict. I need help desperately. but this

this bridesman before she goes up to do his bidding she's like oh and he's like are you the one that fuck Paul or what

and she's like I didn't wait what who fucked Paul is like oh shit I gave that chinkered away that's fun

whoops I mean whoops oh because he this is where he goes to like oh yeah if you were the one

who fuck Paul I don't cross swords and my brother bullshit you fuck this sex addict that's a nonsense yeah totally

that is not one the things that would stop this guy, man. I'm surprised he didn't try to fuck to Lacey-Shay Barrett at any point in this film. Absolutely. I was going to say before. Oh, the prequel. Yeah, definitely. I could go for a prequel.

Ghost of girlfriends. So she now has his information. She goes upstairs. He goes upstairs to meet her. This is when you get Emma Stone doing a lot. It's a lot. It's like she watched Scrooge. Yeah. And it was like, I'm kind of just going to

do what David Johansson did. Except I'm like a horny teenager with it. I saw David Johanth on the street last weekend. How was that? He was just like, holy shit. He was like, holy shit, Steve, I've been seeing you in years. Yeah. Hot, hot, hot.

It was him. He had a conga line behind him. What was he up to, dude? I was just walking in the West Village. That's awesome, man. Just walking? Not like eating a hot dog, nothing? You got nothing for me? He was not driving a cab either.

He was not a ghost to my knowledge. Okay. Was he tending bar? No, he was not. Okay. He didn't talk about red wine. Oh, no, that's UB40. Sorry.

Oh, let's get some mixed up. Talking with the New York Dolls, so he's trying to get them back together or not, okay. But Emma Stone in this movie, though, and like, she does drop it eventually, but it reminds me, like, if you're doing a performance, you make a shit sandwich,

you just got to eat it. You know what I mean? And like, if you do that, like, we have that big opening scene, that's got to be your whole thing the entire time. The audience shouldn't feel you getting tired with the thing you could. created at the start of this.

Exactly. She's got this big mouth of braces and she's like a geeky girl. Right. She's playing like a 16 year old like geeky kind of lady. Yeah. And eventually it just turns back into like the Emma Stone persona. Yeah. But at least at the start she's doing something.

It's a weird like he walks into the bedroom and there's a person under the covers and it looks like there might be some like self pleasure happening here. And he's like, oh, it didn't get started without me, did you? Hold on. I don't smell chicken anywhere. What's going on? Is someone boiling the claw or what? Where is the pregnant snake?

My sacrificial blade is not even out of the scabbard. Scabbard, wow. Dude, it will kill. Wait, there's no, oh, God. Where is the blood pentagram? It's supposed to be right here. I'm leaving, and I'm going to count the 20. I come back in here.

It better look like Alistair Crowley's fucking weekend house. I'm fucking leaving, brother. that's a better movie Alice or Carley's weekend house by the way Oh yeah what a fucking sexy yet gross smelling weekend Equally horny to this movie But no it's Emma Stone And she lays it out

She's the ghost of girlfriend's past He doesn't know who she is at first And then she's like I'm Becky or whatever the fuck Yes Becky whatever her long last name is Is that what it is? There's a long last name situation Oh yeah Alison van der Meersh.

Yeah, that's a joke. That's funny. That's really funny. And she's like, I'm the ghost of, hey, ever see, you ever see, you ever see a Christmas movie? It's that. It's, where'd you're doing that? Like any Christmas movie. You've seen it. Yeah, you know, wait a minute.

Yeah, man, although it is a few weeks before Christmas, brother. It seems poorly timed. Well, why don't we just shed this around Christmas? I mean, this movie came out in May. Yeah, that's all weird. Yeah, you're right. That is fucking stupid. Stupid new line.

Stupid for us doing it in May, too. She takes him back to what he was a child with... 1984. And this is him and a very young Jenny as well. This reminds me so much of that scene in Batman begins when a young Katie Holmes takes that fucking arrowhead from Bruce Wayne. He's like, that's mine. It's on my property.

Yeah, totally. Except these two kids are much nicer to each other. They are. They are. But just, you know, That's how you nagged, dude. Oh, that's my arrow hand. Was this your big Batman thing? That was my big Batman thing.

I was building up to you for 45 minutes. Okay, that's good. Was that it? No, that was it. Steve, don't worry, man. It was worth it. And it had almost nothing to do with the house. Interesting.

Well, it does, no, the grounds, it reminds you for pretty much. But that's a house is on grounds. Yeah, yeah. Grounds is not a house. Yes. So they're sitting on a swing set that Matthew McConaughey has noticed when he pulls up in the present day. So we're back at that swing. set that he's looking at and clearly this is an important moment it's like his first kiss she

gifts him a Polaroid camera it's his first camera and very important to note he takes a picture of her on this swing set kind of a thing and they're about to have their first kiss and then he like I think this is a nagging right here it's an accidental nagging born to nag man they're going in for it and then he like swings away like let's play tag instead like whatever it is doesn't he also like say like this photo doesn't even look like you like you look like you look like you look like a girl in the photo. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, what are you?

What are your facial blindness? What are we talking about here, man? This is clearly a photo of me. You just took it. Maybe he went blind from masturbating. Oh, I've heard that happen. Now, you don't go blind, dude. Your eyes just go cross.

Oh, is that true? Yeah, true story. Interesting. Both are very dudley. I got the hairiest palms this side of the wolf man. Kids out there, this is a cautionary tale. Don't do it. Don't do it. Not even once.

No, you know, I think that's what it is. Because Matthew McConaughey learned from Michael Doug's like, hey, don't masturbate. And it's like, well, why? Because then you wouldn't have sex four times a day. And it's like, well, if you just did that, it'd be a lot better for everyone. Also, you give her your masculine energy, which is very important. There is this scene where, like, we're in the 80s where Uncle Wayne is teaching him the ways when he's like 12. Yes.

And it's child abuse. It's straight up child abuse. you're talking to this little kid about sex and hoo-haws and whatever else. Emma Stone puts a hat on it and makes a joke. It's like, somebody called CPS. That's a fine joke, but that's what the movie is then. You know what I mean? Like, there's like mysterious skin out of nowhere.

Get the fuck out of here with this shit. There's a lot of fruit loops in this movie. Larry Clark's ghosts of girlfriends past. Because, yeah, they go to a dance. Well, there's a weird, first of all. Yeah, we're having this like, you know oh this was where you almost had your first kiss and then he's like Emma Stone's like oh and also look at that there's your dead parents

and he's like oh man yeah that car accident that took their lives was just the next summer man look at that Joe chill driving drunk again man and they have like this whoever's concocting this whole thing the Lord God Satan whatever has the audacity to have the memory of those two parents they just fade out really quickly? And he's like, let's get out of here, spirit. This is bumming me out, man. You've got to kill him a heart too, dude. So, yes, then that we

flash forward to middle school. They're at the school dance. He's now being raised by his uncle on his crazy uncle, mansion estate. And apparently the uncle... He's sexually abused. The uncle would only groom Matthew McConae. Didn't want to touch Breck and Meyer, not touch, but didn't want to, like, help him out. Yeah, exactly.

But I think it's because Matthew McCona's character... Matthew McConae's character asks for that assistant. That is though and you know and also i think michael douglas's character kind of like senses like this guy's got the force i'm not going to waste my time with breck and my you don't have enough mediclorian well see what's great about this film is we see him training yeah that's true he's not a mary sue's not no we see the training yeah i

smell the sexichlorians on you they go to a dance did you guys notice this fucking pervert dj yeah what is with this guy you could just say dj it's just one of those gross things where it's like you're gigging a middle school dance and he's like all right everybody hey it's time for a slow one girls boys let's get on the dance floor yeah I mean I guess you're just

it's mandatory it's mandatory do you girls know how to grind so yeah he's about to ask her to dance right dance and her friends come like oh my god Paul so and so really likes you he wants to dance with you and she's like oh okay I guess and you can see she's a little reluctant

she wanted him to ask she turns back to younger Connor Mead and he's like staring at his shoes Connor Meade again talking I don't know what it happened but he's talking like he's fucking from anywhere other than Texas oh right the younger versions don't sound like him right but the kid has to do it the kid

in his 20s or something he's like I need to cultivate this accent to get more women. That's a part of it. It's a whole thing. And then it just, he lost himself in the character. Exactly. I see. They were both from Michigan the whole time. So

yeah, and like, she goes to dance to this kid, starts making out of them, he's devastated. He's like, but then older McDonough is like, Pete Hastings. Pete Hastings is bald and does civil war reenactments now. I don't buy that Matthew McConaughey would know where this classmate

ended up. Or maybe he's just Facebook, brother. Yeah. I do all my my stalk in there. After a night of double fisting, absolutely, he goes. I'm sure that son of a bitch. Yeah, yeah. Enjoy it. Enjoy it, Pete.

I just got laid four times today by four different women, Pete. Hey, Pete. I guarantee you those Civil War reenactors, dude, they get it wet. They fuck. This is the battlefield of mud and fucking cun. Because it's the weekend, dude. You're a weekend warrior. You meet some, you know.

Have you seen a doc about this? No, I'm not. But you know, they're plowing, right? Oh, for sure. Orgy's at fucking Robert. Oh, they're like laying down a Confederate flag and fucking on it. Yeah, it's like a very weird, specific racist fetish a little bit. Yeah, exactly.

Wetfields. Sex at Warfields. I like it. I like where this is going. So Michael, Michael Douglas picks him up. Right. And this is like, hey, why are you, why are your eyes leaking, kid? There is some sort of salty, viscous material here. And he's like, oh, you know, I'm a terrible dad.

And he's like, yeah, I know. And it's like, only I that should leak. is there one eye down between your legs. He definitely has a line though because the kid's like Jenny and he's like what pregnant? He's driving the car like, oh no, even worse.

Crabs? Yeah. I failed you. I failed you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Connor. I failed you. Matthew McConaughey drops a little bit of knowledge here to Emma Stone that apparently Uncle Wayne

invented the word milf. Great. Now, American Pie did shut up. Yeah, exactly. So he invented the word milf, what, in 1999 when he was 68 years old? He saw the first screen of America Pie he demanded to see it early

because he was really into Shannon Elizabeth. Oh, sure. Yeah, Connor, I once told a woman that I coined the term, pardon my friend. I was the one who originally came up with the word penis. I'm the one that did from hell. You know, blank from hell, mother-in-law from hell.

That's Richard Lewis's bit. They're not going to teach you this in the school, Connor, but I invented English. The whole thing. I wrote it down. Yeah, I invented that smiley face bumper sticker that says shit happens. Those fucking Forest Go! Then I met Richard Nixon again. Ow, something bit me.

also uh matth or uh michael douglas's car is named the stabbing wagon dude boom the kid's really upset it's this weird thing where he's like oh yeah that's terrible he's like you know could you teach me how to have this never happen again and he like breaks the car and he's like once we go down this road you can't go back because it's like it's like literally he invites the devil into his life yeah all right all right Connie you just got to say my name three times in a row. Uncle Wayne, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Wayne. Can you do that?

Once you do it, you just got to sign my book here, Connor. Just sign my book, and then it'll never happen again. Put that pen down, Connor. Here's a pin to prick your finger. It's got to be in blood. It's bound in human flesh and written

in blood. I'll be honest. It's a Mary and evil. I'll be honest with you. I made it with both Bloody Mary and the candy man. Oh, dude. Beautiful lovers. Beautiful lovers. Oh, man. Now I saw that bee

play. Oh, you know, here's how you... Here's how you do. He's got like a mirror above his bed. And that's where he summons Bloody Mary during the intercourse. Maybe he sacrifices women to the mirror. Maybe that was the ghost and ghostbusters that blew Dan Aykroyd. She came down from the ceiling. Yeah. Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Oh!

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Man, we have discussed Dan Aykroyd receiving oral sex more than I think Dan Aykroyd is. No, no, get dinner with that guy, trust me. Any of those times he's doing PR for his skull vodka thing, I'm sure he's bringing it up. Do you see there's a thing

coming up for it's 35th anniversary of Ghostbusters? Sure. And they're doing... First of all, it's always the 35th anniversary of Ghostbusters, but go on. They're doing some, like, contest. You can enter to win this thing where you get to hang out

with him and Ernie Hudson and like watch Ghostbusters I have considered entering this contest yeah I would do it but so he takes him to some like hookup club it's like the regal beagle it's like it's all lit up and red uh he's like oh yeah

you you sign my book Connor here it comes yep get ready to live deliciously baby this is your life now it's just you me and the centa bites you solve my puzzle box Connor he's like the dildo centipider they just call him

nubby don't don't waste your tears Connor rub my nipples but no so he's taking this kid out he's like give me I guess it's 1984 so things are a little bit or like 1980 something

it's 86 maybe yeah he's like a whiskey for me and this four year old kid here they give him a whiskey absolutely i think that might just be it's not anything to do with the year that we're in it's the fact that it's uncle way he's a regular yes he's like the norm peterson of this sex club also he's always bringing in underage kids so they just know what's going on now um this is also where we get this is some really dated screenplay shit here because he's talking like written in 1991 and I mean, because he's Michael Douglas

is like, oh, that's sissy talk. Like he's doing a bunch of that. We're definitely F-bombing here too. Yeah, well, I don't even know how it comes up. He's like, what are you? And he does it. Yes. It's, I think like Conner's character, you know, Connor Mead says like, oh, Uncle Wayne, what time

is it? He's like, what are you? Yeah, exactly. Well, because he starts with sissy talking, oh, I guess that's what we're doing this movie. That sucks, but that's all right. And then he's like, what are you? And I'm like, all right, now we're really doing it. And it lays at the, and it lays at the, cards on the table like all in this one scene and you're like all right it's it is what it is

I guess um so like he I mean nothing really happened it's it's it's him begins and then that yes that we cut to the party where he actually beats him a stone at some point it's like a couple of years later and like these two girls are talking like oh that's Connor mead do you know his uncle took him out to Las Vegas to raise him for two years I'm like what what is this Batman begins horses yeah get the blue rose Connor the Blue Rose Motel in Las Vegas. It's like, what the fuck? I think he went to live at the Bunny Ranch for a couple years.

I think he was, like, forcing him to fuck people. Oh, of course he was. Yeah, like this kid is totally fucked up. Yeah. Like, it's fun to like just breeze over that, but that's not okay. Well, I mean, I think Emma Stone is supposedly his first sexual experience, but you know, that's a lie. Yeah, oh, no, totally.

He had like sex with like older prostitutes in Las Vegas. Yeah, he's tried at all. This isn't even a sex joke right here, though. it's a blowjob joke is what happens. Oh, really? Yeah. Because she's going to the lip thing out. Yeah, she comes out and wipes her mouth very indiscreetly.

But it's a party where Jenny is at. Right. She's about to go up to him, but he negs her and then finds. He's also the coolest person in the room right now. He has the new poison cassette. Dude, you would be too. If you walked into a basement party, you held up a cassette tape in the 1980s and just went, I got the new poison.

This party goes ape shit. What part of Michael Douglas' training? Listen, you got to stay current in music, Connor. Absolutely. You got to stay current. And Uncle Wayne was clearly the manager of Poison and Motley Crew and all those air band. I'm going to call my guy who does A&R at Capitol. Get you all the new releases before they come out.

Vince Neal is a partner, I mean, a partner in business. That's what we are. I would go with you, Connor, but I got to check out this little band in Seattle called Nirvana. not going to be big now, but I got to stay current, Connor. That's how you fuck. You stay current. And Emma Stone's like freaking out like, oh, this is where I come in. We dated for 38 seconds in this closet right now.

Yeah, and that's... And that's the thing. But it's like... But again, is she dead? Is she not dead? I need to know immediately. I think Connor killed her later that night. Oh, okay. It was the first victim. Oh, yeah. Sacrificed her to the dark lord.

Listen, you got to... It's kind of a one for us, one for them kind of rule, Connor. Fucking is great, but the dark lord does have deep pockets. It's about time I tell you about the chicken claws. Oh my God. Yeah, that's a deleted scene, man. I need to see him practicing witchcraft. First, you want to get into that windpipe with that chicken claw.

Just break it. So that's kind of, and then like he goes back to the present? Oh, no, no, actually, no. Then we fast forward to he's like. a euro trash Wooderson almost. It's like they're adults now. He's a professional photographer. He's pontificating about

how much money he makes every year. This is the 90s now, I think. The 90s and he's like, I'm... Or no, it's a little past the 90s because you hear playing in this bar Macy Gray. Really? So it's like 2000. I try to say goodbye in a show.

That's playing right here. I don't know what year that came out. I think it was in the... It was after Y2K. That first big one was like 2000, I think. But like also a shiny shirt on. That's another indication. Yeah. I thought I thought it was the wig that was

singing in the background. This long hair. This is really silly. It is really something. Oh no, I guess 1999. So it's September 1999 is when that was released. Hey, we're going to go see Phantom Menas a little later. You know, I see that Matrix movie

Man. It's pretty fucking cool, dude. I'd fuck that whole cat. I'd fuck that whole cash dude the whole damn thing i'm even looking at you tank oh yeah tank yeah your brother dozer too yeah like it or not motherfucker you're still gonna shoot just like this yeah that's right just like this oh yeah fucking the cast of the matrix yeah oh no yeah i want to know why they call you joey panch motherfucker let's remember ignorance is bliss when neil went in to agent smith i'm gonna go into agent smith. Mr. McConaughey, what?

Hey. You know, when I'm coming on, she's the zeros and ones. It's just what happens. What's your problem? Is it the smell? Shooting in bullet time, man. Oh, yeah. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, smegma, smegma.

So, yeah. They cross paths. He's in the middle of angle. And this is why I would like, if I'm, Jennifer Garner, and I look like, Jennifer Garner and I'm a doctor and I see this scumbag that I used to know initiating the threesome. I'm like, you know what, dude?

That guy's trash. I don't want to fucking talk to this guy. He's lost to the ages. Exactly. Bye. I'm going to go fuck literally anyone else in the world. Maybe I'll fuck Daniel Suniatta. Yeah, sure. One day, maybe, hopefully. Yeah, so they have this whole conversation. He's like, how about we just have sex right here

in this public club right now? Let's just do. Let's just have sex right here. I'm a sex addict. I'm ready to go. I was going to have a threation. But I will, you know what, just because of the emotional thing still there, I can fuck you right now. I'm giving up a threesome. You're welcome. You're welcome. Actually, it's one of the steps to Armageddon is fucking a woman in a public place with whiskey been poured over you. Well, Uncle Wayne actually mentioned that he used to have sex with women in the Port Authority bathroom. Yeah, that's desperate, dude. That's like some shame level shit. Exactly. Wow, that sucks.

Those are, if there's anyone who doesn't know, the Port Authority is. like the bus station in New York City it's one of the worst most wretched places below the waist Michael Douglas must look like you got touched by Blackheart my body's a road map of pain

Matthew McCona Hay kind of has a funny line here because she's like you know oh I'll you know I'll do dinner or whatever but we're not just going to have sex right here so she wants to fuck dinner okay I'm going to get a steak get a little hole in there for me

What do you, how do you want to fuck it? Oh yeah, yeah, I did that in 9 to 5. It was not bad fucking dinner. No, he just has a funny... He just has a funny... He just has a funny delivery where he goes, I love dinner. Yeah.

It's literally nothing. I fuck dinner every night. What's your point of eating if you can't fuck it first? Am I right? Am I right now? You ever put your dick in a hot yam? I sprouted on the Brussels spries. So then, you know,

He's like, oh, where are we going next or something like that? And Emma Stone's like, now we're going to watch a cute montage of you two set to a romantic song. Time after time starts playing. We see a little bit of courtship here. Hey, Emistone, why, this song doesn't actually make a whole lot of sense in the scenario. I love Sidney Lauper as much as the next guy, but I would, can you not get the rights to a better song? You check a jukebox skills here, Ghost. It would make more sense if this is when I was like missing her and hadn't seen her for a long time.

I'm with her now. I'm going to see her time after time Yeah, we are literally very much present With each other right now This song selection makes no fucking sense Yeah, it should be a nine inch nails is closer Yes Yeah

Well, so the whole montage is like He's just instantly trying to sleep with her And they keep getting to her door And she's like, you know, no, not tonight Kind of a thing Until they finally get it on And they do And this is a thing

It's I've never been a place player. I'm going to be going to be completely honest what you've crushed a lot. But I've never I've never Thank you. I've never understood the idea of like oh man I just fuck this lady time

to time to leave in the middle of the night like I don't know I just why because like the subway's going to take longer at home at night Exactly it's that I'm tired Like I don't know why don't I sleep there And like if I want to not talk to her ever again I could just do that tomorrow

Maybe because you're embarrassed. I can always, at any point, not talk to her every year. Maybe it's because you are embarrassed about the night terrors you suffer from. That makes sense. And you've got to get out of there. You don't want to be fucking screaming in the middle of the night. But that's always the thing where the dude's like, oh, man, time to sneak out the back door, bra. It's like, I don't know, man.

Well, because they're players and that's the next level of the game. It turns into like, you have solid snake shit. You got to sneak around. No, no, no. He has clearly an electric dick now that he has to take off. off in charge for the night. All the fucking, all those years, all hanging out with Alastair Crowley and the rest of them.

That'd be a great twist that we turned out to be an Android of some kind. Oh, nice. Like a sex robot. Yeah, I'm a sex bot 5,000. Wayne built it. Or he's a vampire. He's like, oh shit, those shades aren't going to keep out the pure shutlight.

I got to get out of here before the shutdown eyes. Quick question, baby, before we lay down with each other. Are those room darkening shades? I got to go. Happy birthday, Jennifer Garner. I got you blackout curtains. They're the best. on the market

it would make so much more sense if he was a vampire the whole movie would make so much more sense and that's when Uncle Wayne is like all right I'll introduce you

to this dark life but it has to be of your own accord now meet my friend Morvious hi Morbius would you like to suck on my wrist for a while but so they fuck

and like he does try to leave and she does this thing because he's like, yeah, I gotta get up, brother. She's like, hey man, listen, I'm putting up with a lot here, but... Yeah, somehow we've made it this far, by the way. You've got five seconds to get back in this bed or else we're never talking to each other ever again, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I know that's what you want to do anyway, so just do it. And he does. Right. And, like, she goes to sleep, they're spooning. And then he's like, like, all of his, like, weird, like, whatever happened in Las Vegas flashes through his mind. It's Michael Douglas burning his hands with spoons, like, Spoons are bad.

Spoons are bad. No spooning. I can't spoon. I eat yogurt with a fork. No spoon. Because that's what he does. He wakes up. He does.

Spooning. Oh, fuck, man. Spooning. I better hit the ejector seat, brother. Spooning naughty. Spooning naughty. Spooning naughty. Spooning is unclean.

Spooning is unclean. I got to go home to take three hours. Spoon of the future. Spoon of the future. Spoon of the future. Spoon of the future. Spoon of the future. Because he like runs out

Yeah man he's shits and kids And then like she wakes up the next morning And like Emma Stone's like still making him stand there And this is the kind of like the no spirit No show me no more Because he's like no man I don't want to see this Don't make me watch this And then she wakes up like finds out he's not there

She gets a phone call from work That's like the end of it She's kind of almost not almost She's too good of an actress to be in this movie Like sometimes she's like she's crying And I'm like oh why am I having feelings about the ghosts of girlfriend's bath. Absolutely. He's also too good of an actor to be in this room. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, then they flash forward. Somewhere around here is the montage of the room of all the women. He said, that's what now. This is, right? She's like, oh, yeah, let's go get a drink. And then they go into this infinite, you don't talk with the Matrix, it's infinite room.

There's millions of people in this room. Oh, man, I hope at the end of this hallway I get to meet the architect. A dog runs by? Yeah. ignore that. She's like, oh, welcome to the room of everyone you've ever had sex with. And it is an infinity of people. Right.

There's like, so it's like this receiving line and he's just walking through all these people. We have a fucking drop dead trans man joke right here where this guy's like, hey, when we last met, my name was Brenda at the San Francisco Hilton. You're just like, oh God. Oh, no. And we haven't even gotten to the corpse room yet.

Oh, shit. Oh, man. All right. Don't pay any attention to Ted Allen. That's whatever that was. Connor, you have your basket ingredients are me. Yeah, I was on chopped once. It was fun, but it was a good. You got to watch it at that network, man. It was either hammer fierry.

Oh, man. So, yeah, this whole thing. He wakes up sort of freaking out. Forster, we're like downstairs now. Forster's like looking at like his seating chart or whatever. We have to pretend that these characters are in this movie Well, that's the thing is when we do all this and we come back And also like it's like one of these things

It's like it's like this movie feels like a fever dream Like what time is it at this point Because we're still like talking and doing stuff They're still up it's like how long has he been in this fantasy world And the seating chart is like army men and shit from the serge Yeah, and it's just like That's just another joke that doesn't fly The way he leans into the military stuff

It should be revealed that he's like never served Oh, fuck. He just fetishizes the military, like the NFL. Oh, yeah. I like both those jokes, actually. Both those jokes were different, but they reached the finish line at the exact same time, and I like the both.

And whatever. Oh, this is the cake disaster. He's like, I need a drink, man, because I'm also a functioning alcoholic. And, like, he grabs champagne because that's the only alcohol. He pops the cork. Also, Connor, you know how to open a bottle of champagne.

You got to watch where that thing's going. You'll also, man. Use a saber, dude. Well, if you have the saber, use it. Only outside, of course. But the other bullshit thing is, man, you don't pop the cork that way. You fucking hold the cork and you turn the bottle. You turn from the bottle, Connor.

You would know this. Ridiculous. But he knocks, it's a tiered cake. He knocks off one of the legs of the top tier. Right. So the whole thing's falling apart. And he's holding on to it. It falls apart.

This is just one of those like, you know what, man. call for assistance own up to what happened you're holding the cake everything is still totally fine he's like stretching his leg out trying to get this bottle so annoying it's like

when Homer's trying to read well like the clab crevash he's trying to get food by slowly moving close to it by leaning forward it's just so stupid it just and it's a gag that doesn't belong in this movie

really because this movie's about ghosts and sex exactly with either of those things you know like when Scrooge went back in between ghosts it was for like a hot second yes this is he's got like 45 minutes to go destroy this cake

was like an assassin's creed game like it's like he goes into the whatever matrix thing comes back out and he's like well I gotta look around this room for some cluge for the next one all right I'm gonna get my falcon up here and have him map the house everybody else in the wedding party

is practicing dancing at this point we get to see Daniel Sunyata is a fucking phenomenal ballin dance and like him and Jennifer Garner hitting it off and oops the cake falls down yeah everyone comes in Lacey Sherbert is devastated as well she would be he has a thing where he's like if it helps the cake wasn't that good and she's like you ate it or whatever and he does have a funny line here he's like ah part of it just kind of spattered into my mouth when he hit the ground I think at this point a ghost of girlfriend's present shows up which is his assistant

right and she's just sort of showing everybody around him who his guts it we cut to and like and she even says like oh I'm not a ghost I'm just something I'm the I'm the malicious spirit that right this ground or whatever and this is like when you know Scrooge walks through like his nephews housing Christmas morning and they're all like making fun of him and she we Dewey and Louis yes that's right scrooge McDuck right yes that's exactly you know you do and Louis not in a Mickey's Christmas Carol should have been there oh that well no because they had to go with their mom for Christmas yeah they weren't staying with Uncle Donald

Go, let's go to my mom's house. Oh, great. Now we've got to hang out with your boyfriend, Daryl. Yeah, just what I want to do, spend Christmas with Daryl. Oh, cool, it's a split level in Astoria. Amazing. You know my uncle has a mansion. Hey, Daryl, you ever wake up on Christmas morning in a mansion?

Didn't think so. Dera. Where's the butler? Is there a butler in this historian house? Where's a butler? Everything smells like Greek food, Dera. God, those kids suck. They are spoiled brats, dude.

In any of it, no, so we're going around. There's a stupid. gag where like he never hit on her his assistant because he assumed she was a lesbian and then... Sure, that's great. And there's a scene of like all the women that he broke up with. They're at the secretary's house for some reason.

Oh, right. Just... Well, you know, before this, it's him in the wedding house and he sees like Daniel Sunyatta and Jennifer Carter like fixing the cake. That ain't no good. And then they go into the other room and everyone's just talking a fucking a blue streak of shit about this dude. Dude, it

is like someone popped a hole in an above of ground pool, man. This shit's spewing out. And then Breck and Meyer asked you be like, yeah, hi, that's my brother. That's like the only family I have left in this world. And this is one of the bits of heavy lifting

that I was referencing at the beginning of the episode because he's got to give this monologue about how like he basically raised them, you know. He taught him about a read at some point. Which, I mean, that's what schools for. What are we doing, Uncle Wayne? You've got to register these kids in school, buddy.

Hey, man, A, E, I, O, and you. I marked him down as dead in the car crash. Yeah, I had a friend down to the police station altered that report for me. Four dead. Got myself some free kids. There's a stupid line that one of the bridesmaids has to say here where it's like,

oh yeah, Heather? Well, who was it that banged Gary Coleman at Lollapalooza? And I'm like, not for this movie. Again, that's because this was written like fucking 10 years ago. Yeah, it was probably written two years after Lollapalooza happened. And like, but also like, if you're talking shit about someone in a room, you got to read the room.

Like, you're the brothers there. Oh, I'm going to lean off. Exactly. I mean, and they're not even like drunk. A quick shit session. You grab something. Oh, my God. That guy's such an asshole, right?

Like, you know, that's how you do that. They're just doing this round robin of shit talking. It's crazy. Not too many people, way too high of an exposure rate. Also, so Steve mentioned the thing about, he thinks the assistant is a lesbian. She has the fucking dead as a doornail. D-O-A joke of, well, there was that one time in college, that

sucks. And then also we see here, this is Matthew McConaughey's character's obsession with whether or not Daniel Suyatta's character is gay. He's like, hey, Jennifer Garner, man, why are you hitting on him? You don't you think he's gay? What was all that dancing and whatnot? There's a big

thread throughout this whole film that's like doing these gay jokes because the guy that kisses baby Jennifer Gardner in the 80s. He was like, oh man that guy got boners in the gym shower oh that's right i forgot about that too dude every timeline has um yeah so then we go to the assistant's house she has those three women that he broke up with over his Skype which and they're talking shit about him but also

at the same time he seems offended that they're okay about the breakup too he's like come on you should be ruined yeah oh why aren't you devastated speaking of ruin there was a moment i don't forget where it is this fucking movie's a mess so all over the place Uncle Wayne takes them outside, the ghosts, you know, the sex demon takes them outside. And it starts to rain all the, it's right now. It's happening now. What is happening now is happening now? Now now. All the tears that have been shed over Conner me by women are raining down. And this is a weird thing because what the movie is telegraphing here, because it's like Michael Douglas explains what the rain is. and then Matthew McConaughey looks up

the music swells as such and his look is as such that it's like he's supposed to be feeling bad about this I do not think so then he starts saying it's not going to stop to you

wash help but this whole thing escalates because then Michael Douglas is like yeah and here's all the use snot rags that they spilled over you and it's all these like clean tissues are coming down Here's all the chocolates you sent.

You never sent chocolates. And the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, this is something else. And it is, I mean, I do think that they stole foli artistry from Magnolia with the frogs. Yeah. Because he's like, and here comes all the used condoms. And he jumps into a car. And you hear this slattering clunk, cluck. It's a very, it's very, it's wet.

Yeah, there's squoads, dude. Those are full loads. Now we're not talking half loads. full-coming condoms. And here's all the used condoms he used over the years. That's what I was going to say. That's what the joke should have been, dude.

And he was like, oh, man, I feel terrible about that time I wrapped it up. It's just a rapper. Yeah, exactly. Or it should just be all of his cum. It should just be all of his cum. Like, maybe they go back into the mansion. And he's like, oh, yeah, I forgot something.

All the come you made. And the elevator opens, like, The shining, it's just all this fucking cum. Or it's the day after tomorrow, and he just looks back, everybody's running, and there's a fucking tidal wave of gum. There's fucking wolves running from this cum. He runs down the hallway, and then like two twins, two twins, like, sexy lady twins, like, come play with us.

Oh, no, they're covered in gum. Oh, shit. No, dude, it definitely would have been the don't mind if I do, ladies. Ha, ha, twins, he ha. A half-dead old woman, I what I haven't in years, but let's go. You are a mith, madam. But he wakes up from that. When the condoms hit, that's time to wake up.

Yeah, time to make the donuts, dude. He wakes up, and he goes back in the house, and something has happened. Everyone's very upset, or Lacey Schaber specifically, is really upset. It has come out that Paul has fucked whatever brides made and blah, blah, blah, blah. and they're like, oh my God, Connor, you ruin this wedding. Pause. He didn't, and this guy's the world's biggest piece of shit. He did not ruin this wedding.

Yeah, not his fault. A, Paul did it. Paul fucked the idea that could happen years ago, but they weren't almost dating. Yeah, they're arguing over the timeline. Lacey Chabere is claiming that they had started dating at this point. Yeah, we just knew each other. Like, one of those things. Gray areas, we called us.

And so there's that. One, you know, Paul did it. Two, the friend did it. And three, like, all Matthew McConaughey did was tell the third friend. And she's the one who spilled the beans. Exactly. It's the bean spiller's fault. It's not his fault.

That bean spiller bridesmaid, she's the one that ruined the wedding. Again, no one else had a shit talk in this house. Keep it inside. Grab people aside. Be like, dude, do you know what to fuck happened? I think it says a thing where everyone that's involved in this wedding, like, absent of Robert Forrester, maybe, they feed off the drama. They're like little drama gremlin.

Well, I guess it's also like, they're all sleep deprived. It's fucking four or 15 in the morning. They're like, can we go to sleep yet? I think it's a thing where time passes differently in this ghost realm, dude. It might just be 745. Yeah, so like they're screaming and like this. I mean, it's a fucking knockdown dragout fight. Really uncomfortable.

What's his face? I think McConaughey tries to make it better, but he makes it worse. And he's like, yeah, he really steps in it. And like, she's like, you're terrible. And then even Breckenmire's like, you need to leave right now. now get out of my wedding get the fuck out of here blah blah he does he's got a fucking it is like the atom bomb of wines for this fight where he goes up to lacey chabair and he's like hey man if you don't want to marry a guy that one of your bridesmaids hasn't fucked you're gonna have to

go abroad to find a husband yeah and that's just like it's like mushroom cloud just don't do it you are not making things and he's just doing what what and so that he gets kicked out Right. Breckenmeier himself kicks him out. And then when he leaves, he likes, then he sees the ghosts of girlfriend's future. And he wants to fuck this ghost by the ghost of nobody actress. Yeah. I thought it was death and my wife had a great line. She's like, yeah, the ghost of girlfriend's future is a death for us all, brother.

And I'm like, yeah, that's true. You know what you should have had here, Ria Perlman. Oh, nice. Just Ria Perlman standing out there, you know, you kind of just ask her to do the Carla Tortelli thing a little bit. Oh, sure. She's busting his balls. It would have been a nice turn. It's just some model probably. Who just stands in points.

Which is the ghost of Christmas future's tradition. Right, but I'm saying if you want to fucking turn this story on its head. Get reappearlement involved? Just get reappearlement involved. And then he fucks him. Yeah, exactly. So we see the future and we see Breckenmeyer. Oh, my God.

This is so funny. First we see him. He's walking in the woods alone. Matthew McConaughey notices no wedding ring. They didn't get married. married. And then as soon as Breckenmeyer passes him. I'm sorry, but this is after Jennifer Gardner's marriage to Daniel Sunyatta. Oh, right.

Who cares? Right. Oh, no, you married Daniel Sunyata. I'm telling you, he's gay. And then Breckenmeyer's a thousand years old. He looks like Yoda or something. Dude, this is right when Yoda expires, man. That's what this age makes like.

He looks like old man, Tilda Swinton from Susperia. Yeah. Oh, dude. Or Alec Baldwin before. at the end of Beetlejuice right before everything goes back to normal? I think that is the most accurate. Right on that

seance table. Yes, exactly. That would have been great, dude, if that happened at Jennifer Garner's wedding, because then you could have, dearly beloved. That guy should have showed up. He should have, man. He could have been officiating this funeral. Well, Michael Douglas, I'm doing you a favor.

My old, my old Poon, Parker, Michael Douglas. love to see him in the waiting room with Beetlejuice. Yes. Uncle Wayne. Take a number. So it turns out Breckenmeyer is

slowly shuffling his way to Matthew McConaughey's funeral. And Matthew McConaughey, this is what I love is he's not like, I'm dead. He's more bummed. He's like, nobody showed up at my fucking funeral. He's pissed at the attendance. I don't give a shit who comes under my funeral.

Honestly, whatever. We got the out. He said it right here. I was hoping for a vacation that we It's just really inconvenient Yeah You know maybe we'll do a live show that weekend Yeah So that's a good excuse

I mean because we're gonna have to like drive From out of town Then it's like a funeral weekend Yeah that's a big drag for everybody I mean we'll be celebrating either way I'm dead who cares It goes to my funeral Whatever man

Oh I guess it's in this instance He's just pissed because like Who is lucky enough to see their own funeral Him Tom Sawyer Connor me Dead of Dick rot What the hell they should have had cause of death

on that tombstone dude absolutely and it should have been dead of dick rot and like it's just it's very sad oh no oh no and he finally you know it's here he falls in the grave and they start burying him alive this is a weird thing

because yeah Michael Douglas like give him hell ladies and I guess all the women he slept would start throwing dirt on it right that dog is there so he wakes up up the next morning we have a whole ridiculous he opens the window

and he's like hey there you young man what day is it is it Christmas and the guy's like no you idiot it's Saturday Saturday the day of my brother's wedding like his delivery very weird and so it's like oh I've got time to stop it he runs

downstairs he's in his tuxedo Breck and Myers like seeing all these people out the wedding has been called off by Lacey Shabair and that is not gonna fly with Connor Mead. No. And for all the ridiculous things that happened in this movie, this next thing, I think, is the most ridiculous. He's like, no, I'm not gonna try to get it. And like, there's a whole snowstorm that has happened. So all these cars are buried in the snow. And Lacey Chabar, Robert Forster's driving her in the bridal party to the airport. And also, you're so upset that he fucked one of your bridesmaid, you're giving this bridesmaid a ride, man. Come on. Once Connor does stop them, he mentions, you're not mad at her. Yeah, it's like just your slutty friend. anywhere or whatever.

And someone at the car goes, oh, it's true. You hear on the sound, it's like, oh, it's true. But this is ridiculous because he's like, oh, my fucking jaguars buried in snow, man. What am I going to do?

And you see him firing up Michael Douglas's car. And this is insane. He drives the car through the fucking garage wall. Like, open the door, dude. Yeah. This is unnecessary. It doesn't even look like a garage.

It looks like a vista window. It doesn't even look like. a garage. It's so crazy. I exclaimed in my living room, why would you drive through the door? And there's no seatbelts because therefore, cissies, quote unquote. He's driving down through the woods. Dude, it's the craziest Lincoln commercial. He never

filmed. It's fucking, it's crazy. It's like, everyone thinks you're an unhinged lunatic. This is not going to help. You know what I was reminded of? It's like when Arnold drives the Jeep down the road and commando or down the hill. Yes, yes. Because he's like, He's doing some serious off-roading trying to catch up to the truck and cut it off at the pass. And he does. He almost kills everyone.

Which Robert Forster points out, he's like, hey, pal, you almost killed us all, to which he receives a punch in the face. He punches him out. Lacey Schenberg, you got to listen to me first. Let me knock your fucking father out. Take that old man. He should have had a line like, I've been wanting to do that all weekend. Yeah, that's a good line. But then he's like, listen, lady, you got to marry my brother.

Hey, you're not that mad at him. Come on. Also, I didn't spill the beans. one spilled the beans let's all be honest yeah i mean don't shit a shitter man you spilled the beans stacey but no he's like you know blah blah blah and he calls himself he's like don't be like me i'm a ghost of a man yeah blah blah blah and like you know she she does her she goes into party of five mode single tear down the cheek man she's like you know i could do that right i could you do that that's that's a party of five shit there man you're right matthew mccanahe everyone does want to be

Closer to free. Lacey, your motivation is both of your parents died in a car accident. And you know what, man? Apologies accepted all around. The wedding is back on. Matthew McCona has spun his magic once again. So they all race back.

He offers the photographers. They're all photographed the way. Because that was the thing at the beginning of the movie. They're like, oh, you're a famous photographer. Are you going to photograph your brother's wedding? He's like, hey, man, I do not photograph. weddings but also i don't know i don't think that i would do that like if if somebody no i want to enjoy i'm in the wedding if you're if fucking you know i don't know pick anybody if uh uh uh uh billy ocean

goes to his uh his brother's wedding they're like hey bill you're gonna sing some i was like no it's my brother's fucking wedding i mean like yeah if you want to grab your camera during the reception take some fun photos that's fine but yeah the expectation and cabin's right he's in the fucking wedding what is he going to do take photos from the altar that's what he does but from the side. Not in the best man position. With a Nikon camera. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely.

And, like, they're having fun. He's taking a bunch of pictures. The wedding goes off without a hitch. And, like, he meets up with Jennifer Gardner in, she's on the swing set there. He gives a best man's speech. Oh, that's great. If a little high sounding. Like, what he's like, you know, pontificating about us,

like, was he smoking weed before this take? A definitely But yeah He gives this great speech He's like you know I want to Breck and Meyer I aspire to be

The man that you are Kind of a thing And then you know Lacey Shabair I think our parents Would have loved you Blah blah blah It's a decent speech

He does some Macana hang here There's some good acting You know If they scraped them off the pavement They would love you Oh they would love you And I

I do not hold it against Uncle Wayne For marking that you and I We're both killed In that car accident Along with our parents parents. Yeah, I do. Like, the whole spoon shit was weird for Uncle Wayne.

I now realize that. I've learned a lot. I'm going, oh, by the way, I'm going to go to like 20 years of therapy, starting now. I don't have a social security number. They think I'm dead. I am legally dead. It's actually just eight zeros. That's why I called myself a ghost of a man because literally I am a ghost of a man.

Hey, you know what? Maybe I'll start a new life as an assassin. I'm a ghost of a man. When people ask me my social security number, give him the 9-800 number of a sex line. Oh, yeah, that'll freak him out. Take that nerd. So, yeah, Jennifer Gardner's like out on the swing set.

He goes out there. They have a nice little thing. She's like, I don't know if I could trust you. And then he's like, oh, yeah, baby, how about this one? And he pulls out the picture from the beginning of the movie. And she's like, you kept it. I said I'd keep it forever, won't now? Yeah, totally.

I thought he was going to think he's going to pull out of fucking rubber and be like, for his not I'm ever going to use. He was one of these, ladies. I thought he's going to pull out a gun. From his wallet? I got a 3D printed wallet gun, baby. I just saw that movie in the line of fire, and I learned how to make a plastic gun.

Man, that Malcovic was a genius. No, but the song that they were originally supposed to dance to at the dance, which I now don't remember. It's an aria speed wagon song, I believe. This plays at the wedding. They're like, oh, it's our song, baby. I guess Patrick, whatever. fuck, you're going to have to deal with it.

Eat your heart out, you fucking bald civil war reenacting motherfucker. Who's probably gay anyway? She's like, what? Nothing. Never mind. Wallet photo. You still love me. Exactly. I can get away with it. Walla photo. There's a crazy thing before he goes outside where he's taking the photos at the reception. Everybody's having a blast.

And then the three bridesmaids run up. And they're like, hey, you couldn't fuck your way through us through this evening. So why do we get it all done at once? They're angling for this four way. It's insane I've retired ladies Sorry you got me last weekend man I had a real ghost experience

I've already heard the siren song from all of you So I'm going out with my betrothed The first woman I loved and kissed Ladies it's gonna be awkward enough When we drive home through New Jersey Because I've had sex with everyone in the state I fuck New Jersey The actual state

There's a hole in the middle of it The people Everything dogs cats A little known trivia fact about the United States of America, man. Every state right at the geographical center of it's got a hole. Fuck old, baby. You can do it you while.

You can fuck your way across the country. Thank you very much, Benjamin Franklin. Appreciate it. It's usually in the field. But once, actually, Mississippi, it was in a Sephora. That was tough. Can't predict progress, man. They didn't know they were going to build them all there.

Ben Franklin had no idea that weird turkey fucking lunatic. Oh, shit. Fucking a turkey. Hold on to this photo. That's the one animal I hadn't yet fucked. Got to find a turkey. Then I'm all yours. But just remember, baby, wallet photo.

A sexual degenerate bingo is done for the night. So as they're making out, we see it's my, we cut back into the wedding and Michael Douglas goes just like, oh, good job, buddy or something. It's a bullshit thing, though, because he sees him through the window and Michael Douglas, he does a cheers and vanishes. But then that's where that's where the movie should end. There's so many times. from here on out where the movie should end

they're wrapping up stuff that no one needed wrapped up. You've got Michael Douglas like well first Daniel Sunata and the assistant character get together. No that's all this is all that's one of the post things? Yes yes what about the walking through the Michael Douglas walking through the party? That's right now okay so he's walking through and he encounters

like all the ghosts one by one it's like he's standing next to the ghosts of girlfriends yet to come and he's like hey and she just like vanishes then he goes up to the assistant ghost of girlfriend's present and this is the funny line she gets to have where she's

he says something and she's like I'm not actually a ghost I'm literally at this party right now oh that's right then she gets together with Daniel Sonata right she walks this is where she walks in the room they get together and then he's like how well there's only one ghost left and he goes up to Emma Stone and she's like dude

I'm 16 years old to which I feel this is probably used a lot in the ghost community hey we're all ghosts maybe we're ageless Yeah, ew. And she just like laughs at him and walks away. See, I think this points to her being dead maybe

because she doesn't vanish there. She walks away. So she was murdered the night she had sex with Connor Mead. Oh, she was under mysterious circumstance. Michael Douglas did it. You think so? Yeah. Absolutely, dude. Or she fell off a boat.

One of the other. And then what's crazy, though, is we're ghosts, baby. We're ageless. That's the last official line of this movie. Blackout credits. We go to credits and then the movie just starts back up again. And there's all these little threads. It's the bridesmaids and they're like,

well, we didn't fuck anybody. You want to fuck those nerds? Yeah, sure. I get the short one. And they run over and the nerds are like, yay, sex. Yeah, that happens. Divorce is nullified here because like the parents kind of get back together. Robert Forster's dancing with Anne Archer.

Okay. There's a weird thing where she's like, Or he says, like, you know, Doris, you raised her right or something like that. And she goes, so did you, Mavis. And one of the, like, groomsman hears it. And he's like, yeah, if you tell anybody about that, I'll have you killed. Hey, Doris. Hey, Doris, I can only get off if we're watching the thin red line.

Hey, the movie ended 12 minutes ago. Want to keep dancing? Like, come on. It's over with. And then you've got the Japanese archer comes back. It's the, it's the bouquet. It's the bouquet throw. Oh, right.

That's what it is. Throws it. And an arrow goes through the bouquet, and it's like, what? Japanese archer sick. And this, what, the last thing you hear officially in the movie is one of the groomsmen, like, sees this woman and just goes, yes. Yeah. And then it's credits. Cut to a fucking Gavin Rostale song.

A cover of a hush. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. Oh, I wasn't even really paying attention that much. Not great. Not great, fellas. Ah, yikes. then that is this movie. We have a titular theme song here.

I can't believe. I cut this up. The girlfriends. Bada. You're just like, is this? I was watching it and I was like, was this real? Is it? Am I hearing things right now? Did I have a stroke? No. No. Ghosts of theme songs yet to come. Oh, man. And then it just, it blissfully finally is over with. Oh, man. Would anybody recommend the movie? No, no, no. It's about two hours. it's pretty repugnant through and through. I mean, like, Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConae are fun. I mean, the cast is good. Yeah.

You know, there's a lot of people in it you might like. I like Daniel Suniatta, too. There's a lot of energy. I wouldn't battle you if you said it's a hangover movie, but I would overrule it. I would not battle you. I would not battle. No, it's a no for me. Yeah, it's a no for me, too.

It's way too long. But also, it's the same issue where, like, I need something to redeem this. Like, the first hour, he is irrigal. And then to just turn it like that so quickly without like showing something in the middle there that evens all this out. It just doesn't make any sense to me. The only motivator is nobody attends his funeral. But also Scrooge like changes people's lives. He gives the money.

He's like, I'm going to be different. He just is like, I'm done fucking people for sure. Yeah. What a hero. Yeah, exactly. It's a big no. I would also say no, but I could see the hangover situation. sure um the anti-gay jokes

yeah it doesn't fly yeah um even just the whole you know uncle Wayne syphilitic demon thing is like a bit much yeah so yeah i lean no as well i knew from about 20 minutes in that this would be a hangover movie um because it's a thing that you can really ignore and every once in a while you can look up and you're like oh there's like pretty people doing stuff. Sure. You know, and then go back to being dead on the couch. Uh, it doesn't

need to be close to two hours. That's kind of ridiculous. Uh, you could really cut some of this out, like that fucking abhorrent hallway of babes scene and so on. And the Michael Douglas thing, it's like, yeah, I get it. Like, the character is supposed to be sort of repugnant in that way, but it's like just really laying it on a little too much. And I just don't need it. I just don't need any of it. Yeah, although it's nice to see that Michael Douglas was clearly having fun making a movie. That's true. Kind of like he was having fun that time he gave Eric a high five.

Yeah, he gave me a high five. We were at the Ant Man premiere I think just like that time during this movie, he was drunk. Oh, just that one time. I got drunk. By the way, I still haven't washed my hand. Oh, no, definitely. It's a phone glass. Oh, nice, dude. Yeah. You know, Ant Man's

been in like four fucking movies since that happened. I know. I'm waiting. Well, when he high fives me again, I'll wash it. It'll break the spell. You're going to go to his funeral and just, like, put his hand up. Oh, God. Oh, man. Yes.

That is Ghost of Girlfriends Past from 2009 directed by Mark Waters. If you want more, we hate movies, check out Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Got an episode on Serenity. That's right. Matthew McConaughey. That's what it is. Man, that's the connective tissue right there, brother. That's what it is this one.

We also have an episode on an animation damnation on Pikachu. just in time for Pokemon. On Pokemon for a detective Pikachu. Nexus is a really fun one this month.

We've got, Eric, what do we got going on on the Gleap Glossary? The Gleap Glossary this month. If you don't know, this is a side show

where I'm reading Star Wars like character biographies to the rest of the guys and they make fun of it and me. And this month we're doing

Grito. It's a huge, huge entry. A huge get to get him. He was busy. It was so crazy. Bring it back from the dead.

but it's a ton of fun so you should check it out there's episodes available now on Sibulba Dr. Evazana and Ponda Baba and the whole back catalog too on Dan and oh yes yes and you get to unlock the Patriot

and archive of all our first like 100 shows or so there's a lot of good stuff there you get everything you pledge now you get everything hundreds of hours of content that's right literally hundreds of hours we may be wasting our lives

We may not. You know what, dude? You never know until it's over. Sign up. Sign up and find out. You never know until nobody shows up at your funeral. So next week, as always, here in We Hey Movies, we're hopping in the stabbing wagon and driving to the next movie town. Steve Saneck, what are we talking about?

Joe Pesci's 1991 slum lord racist comedy, The Super. Oh, man. I have yet to see this movie. And I'm not looking forward to it. I don't think you're going to like it. Give me the rent. What is that? Give me the rent.

Give me the rent. It's like his theme song or something. It's a little catchphrase. Oh, it's catchphrase. Yeah, it's good. I can't wait. It's a good catchphrase. So until next week, we're Joe Peshe's playing a slum lord.

I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.