S9 Ep424: Episode 424 - G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
00:00This week on the program, good luck keeping track of all these stupid names.It's G.I. Joe, The Rise of Cobra.I'm Andrew Juppin.Steven Sadak.Storm Cabin.Siska Commander.And we hate movies.I should have done one.
00:30Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.Thank you for tuning in, as always, and welcome to the start of the 2019 summerblockbuster extravaganza.Take those pants off.It's summer.Start jerking it.No, no, no.And put those shorts on because it's summertime.
01:06What about Jorts?Can I keep my Jords on?You can jerk off in Jorts?I have.And I will again.I do it carefully though.God stop me before I jerk off in Jorts again.That's right.
01:20We are kicking things off with the G.I. Joe,colon, the Rise of Cobra from 2009, directed by mummy enthusiast Stephen Summers.Is it G.I. Jerk Rise of Come.Come on.That's terrible. What are you doing?I just had to do it.You know what? I like it.Yeah, I know you would.
01:41Fucking degenerate couch over there.If you like unfocus your eyes a little bit,you would swear this movie came out in 2004.Like it does not feel like 2009.It feels like,2000, fucking four.Especially with the fucking computer effectsthat we're working with in this movie.
01:58Forget it.Well, the sell-by date for Stephen Somer.was 1999.You had to happen before then, or if not, like, the mummy was it.That was the peak of his career to me.Was he also Van Helsing?You was.That was also a piece of shit.
02:10That is terrible.That was aught for, though.And that's on our Patreon feed there, by the way.That's correct.And this actually reminded me of the film The Kingsman, which we just did on ourPatreon feed, which dropping this month as well.Right.The rise of the Kingsman, whatever the hell that's stupid movies.
02:26The rise of, not the golden egg.No, his secret service.His secret service.The first of the one of them there.His, not her majesty's.Ew.But because, like, the question is, like, what age range is this for?Is this for babies or is this for, like, some of this was...
02:44It's not for babies, though.It's very violent for babies.Exactly.American babies are very violent.American baby.Wasn't that a Dave Matthews song?Yeah, what?American baby.
02:57It's not more of a, like, a Blake.Shelton, baby.You're on American,Mary American people.That is right on the money, man.That guy was, I never liked Dave Matthews,but that, you know, I dabbled, man.Most people do like him.
03:14I dabbled quite a bit.Great musicianship.Some of the best live shows I've ever seen in my life.It's true.It's very good life.This is like 13 to 16 year old.I feel specifically.Now, okay, now we got to start at the beginning.
03:26G.I. Joe was these, like,little action figures.Yes.Which are made for babies.Made for babies.And they glamorize war.Yes.The military as well.
03:37United States.Specifically.Yeah, just like the NFL.1980s.And they're both great.They're both fantastic.Peace time warriors.These guys.
03:49Well, that's the weird thing about the G.I. Joe.First, just to stop some tweets.They were like action.There were dolls, like Barbie dolls.Yeah, big ass dolls.Like the 60s, I want to say.64, I think, is when the thing happened.And there was just like a G.I. Joe, whatever.
04:04And then the 80s, they revamped it.That's what the little figures came in.Right, you're three-inchers.There's comic books floating around somewhere and all this mess.The huge cartoon series.But Eric's right, though.They were peacetime warriors.I think it's really weird to have a G.I. Joe series anywhere after 9-11.
04:22When we have three to five active wars going on.And we mentioned that some of these soon-to-be Joes served in a night.Afghanistan.Nope.Get it out.Get it out of here.And it's likeG.I. Joe
04:33existed in a timewhere it's likethe Cold War'sgoing on,but we're notoutright engagingthe Soviet Union.So G.I.
04:38Joe has a proxywar withCobra.I personally assumeis bankruptby the Soviet Union.Oh, without adoubt.
04:44Makes sense.Without a fuckingdoubt, dude.It's like,yes,Commander Gorbachev.Yes, we will.You know,
04:53Gorbachev,that's why I have ahelmet on.I, too,have a whinestain on my forehead.Well, Duke, I need you to go out there, and I need you to get one for the Gipper.That Cobra Commander's a Ruski, son of a bitch.
05:07I can smell it from here.I can smell the pierogies on his breath, Mommy.Go get him, Hawk, Mommy.I hear that.Yes, sir.This is Hawk Mommy talking.Hawk Mommy reporting for duty.It's me, Hawk, Mommy.
05:24I'm just glad that the piece of shit Carter's out of here.This is the GI JoeThe Rise of the CobraThis is what do you call it thereIt's like the first of a franchise kind of sortI mean the G.I. Joe, they're out.It is, right?I'll tell you what, though.
05:38Big mistake on this movie here is Stephen Summersand whoever wrote it.I'm not going to look it up.But garbage people.Let's just pretend for a secondthat the people going to see this movieknow about G.I. Joe's.And maybe, just maybe,
05:56we can start with everybodybeing in place places everyoneplaces GI JoeCobra Commander you're already fuckingCobra Commander yeah yeah you knowlike Destro you're already fucking Destro dudethis origin story horse hockeyThe thing you definitely want
06:12is to start your GI Joe moviewith the lines Jamie McCullinyou Scottish pigdude let me tell you bad1640 fucking onemove Stephen Somers starting your G.I. Joemovie in 17th century friendI paused the Amazon file.
06:27I'm like, are we sure or we're supposed to be?I was concerned.I was like, what did I just rent?Yo, Bezos, you fuck up that file?I'm fixing it.I'm fixing it.The madness of King George or something.Dude, it's like the first five minutes of this movie is the man in the iron mask and fucking get bent, dude.
06:48Wait, I thought Mel Gibson was in Braveheart.What the fuck is going on here?And it's like this guy who is selling what is this Scottish guy?Selling to both sides.Selling to both sides.They're putting this molten mask on his face.And here's my question, do you gentlemen here?Sure.
07:03Yes.Do you want to go into that situation, shaved or not shaved?Oh, does it matter?It's all burning.I'm going to die.I don't know.Here's what.Would you want a firm fit?
07:15Because this guy's floppy hair is kind of everywhere, too.I'll tell you what the answer is.It's shaved because.this wayit's only one bad smelljust burnt fleshotherwise it's burnt fleshand then too burnt hair
07:32that's a bad smellbut burning anythingis temporarythat smell will fade in timeand I sayslap it on my faceno matter what I got going onI don't know
07:42my glasses sometimesif I have longer hairsometimes likea little strand will get caughtin my armI'm like oh I want to minimize thatbut it's all burning offinstantly
07:53yeah that's true yeahOh, your head of hair is gone.I mean, I think your eyes pop like grapes.Don't like a molten mask.Yeah, that fucking puts on anything you'd survive.Also, you don't have glasses in 1641.I think they'd burn you at the stake for that.He's wearing witch goggles.
08:10Would they take my glasses off or no?Would they put it on over there?Oh, they'd leave them on so then the heat would break the glass into your eyeballsand then also blind you?That's double trouble.What if it, like, perfectly mold so you always have your lenses?there, that'd be kind of nice, right?And then you cut to Christopher Eccleston
08:28who's like, well, that was a wasteof time. Anyway, G.I. Joe,Rise of the Cobra. And what this movieagain, man, Stephen Summers, anotherfucking douche chill for you, buddy.The fucking text thatbrings us into the present dayin the not too distant
08:44future. You cannotuse that. Moviesign, guys. We got movie sign.I could notbelieve that that text came upin the not too distant future.I will say also likehere and this
08:58speaking of a KingsmanI don't like the first ofyou know my sequel legislationsetc. I don't think the firstof a franchise should have a colon on itit should be G.I. Joethe Kingsman because then when you putthe colon I'm like did I miss the first
09:12one like sure and when I was trying to rent thisI'm like which one are we doing is itright? I agree with thatyeah but like are they countingthe fucking animated movie? Well you shouldn'tI mean G.I. Joe the movieHey, guess what you should?Well, no, but Stephen Summers, he's, you know, empty brain.
09:28Also, in your legislation, Steve, you probably should count the animated, right?I don't know when you're mixed media is like that, pal.Really?Yeah, that's tough.So it's like animated.So you got to do like G.I. Joe 1 parentheses animated.Yeah.Yeah.
09:41No, that's why like when you're doing like on the grand scale of Star Wars, that fucking heinous cloneWars movie doesn't count.Senator, Senator.I wish she didn't count.I believe you counted Mask of the Fantasm in your Batman.Oh, all right.Oh, fuck.Now we're going to move to impeach.
09:58Somebody better.This is one McConnell will sign off on.Yeah, that's fine.Go ahead and do it.Now, Mask of the Fantasms takes place in the Fantasm universe.It's like balls.Batman fighting a fucking old, tall guy.Wow.
10:14I might check it out now.Yeah, look out for them orbs, dude.Yo, Batman, look out for them orbs, dude.So Christopher Eccleson is going to be Destro by,fucking minute 400 of this movieis giving his speech at the United Nationsabout this new thing he's gotwhich are nanites which are like little robot
10:35I thought it was NATOit's NATO I'm sorry I wasn't paying attentionI was drunk the whole timeand it's him and he's given this speechand Dennis Quaidas General Hawk is just in attendanceyep just therejust sitting hanging back dude
10:52just seeing what's upWith the character that I don't think they really giveIt's listed in the castBut I don't think they ever say itCover GirlYes, she's one of the Joe's manThat's right, she gets...A model that finds her higher calling
11:07Being a G.I. Joe.And then gets fucking unceremoniously murderedin this movie.I was thinking of Buzzsaw cover girl.How about Lacerate?Cover girl.You know, my problem with the castingall around in this movie
11:22just compared to the cartoon,not enough bears.Yeah.That cartoon,they are all drawnlike the most handsome bearsyou've ever seen.Let a mustache to be found
11:33in this film.What the fuck are we doing?Hairy beef cakes.Exactly.I don't need this baby Channing Tatum shit.No.He's fucking shave like a seal.It's disgusting.
11:44He's unpalatable.Get the cast of Bear Cityand or Bear City 2,the proposal into G.Pause.What?Those are romantic comedies about people.Oh, is that right?
11:56Yeah.Wait, Bear, Bear, Bears, Two?What, Bear City, too?Bear City, too, the legend of Curly's Gold.Bear City, Two, Rise of the Cobra.No, Bear City, too.No, retaliation.Bear City, too, the proposal.
12:15Okay, now, and what network was this?No, those are movies.I mean, those are, like, I mean,they're probably direct to streaming more than,Maybe they played out the quad, like television.That's not on the religious channel.Yeah, exactly.They're both, uh, uh, uh, yeah.
12:29One of perfect Duke, Jason Mamoa.Yeah, that's it.Get the man in there.Oh, that's, that's a furry guy I like.And that you can have him team up with fucking rock in the second one.And it makes more sense because two beef cakes.What's the deal with the rock?Can he grow a beard or what?
12:44That's a great question.I bet you, Dwayne Johnson can grow some fantastic facial hair.Then I better see it, dude.Yeah.is he waiting for yeah you're right actually because he could do the thing where he's like thecue bald guy but then he's got the beard with the fucking baller did he have beard in uh herculesmaybe maybe that was definitely the longest it's been i don't know if you would callyou know what i'm googling the rock with a beard we're gonna see what's gonna happen thank you
13:09while you do that i will vamp about hercules now i had saw that movie once and i rememberit wasn't as bad doesn't he like kill a lion with his bare hands in that movie i think he killedstuff, yeah. I think aCGI lion. Well, yeah.Clearly. He murders a realline. Okay, Steve, you got thatphoto. I'm pretty tapped out here. Oh, dude, he'sgot a beard. Do you kidding me? Dude, look at this thing.
13:32Look at that. Oh, yeah.Oh, yeah. Look at that, dude.That's a fond villain. No, hedoes not. Oh, man, I didn'teven get cast at Bear City tothe proposal.Fingers crossed for Bear City3, PG. The divorce.
13:50yeah that's what I'd be inthe divorce the one where the bearsdown on his fucking luckoh great so do I get to like hook up with itwhat I'm the divorce lawyerI can't even hook up with the bearswait a minuteBear City 3 the divorce
14:05I'm literally a bearthe bear breaks up with mein the first 10 minuteswhatis anybody in these Bear Cityno no I don't believe sojust some randot CanadiansYeah, I think it's one of them. Fair enough. Fair enough.
14:23So you recommend them? You recommend those movies?I've seen both of them. I don't remember either of them. Oh, nice. Yeah, man.So Christopher Eccleston, he's describing very, it's like your go-to-sci-fi technology when you just need a bullshit excuse for anything, nanotechnology, these nanomites that he's making.Christopher Eccleston, when you need a go-to villain to do anything in a movie.I fucking love him, though, dude. I do, too. I really do, too.but he just does anytime he's in a big budget movie my eyebrows go up better stir clearof that one yeah he's crooked the best doctor who i'll say it i like him a lot he's one seasonbut he's great he was the only he was the only doctor who he was the only doctor who i could
15:02stomach i like i'm a tenant guy for the most part i like some tenant you guys are watchingdoctor who i watched that first season with ecliston and then i didn't know that was his onlyseason and then i got into the tenant racket yeah i was like it's fine and i and i know listendear audience. I know thatthe Hoovians are out there.You beloved, you know. And they willcome for you. It's a beloved program is what I'mtrying to say. It's just, it's not for me.
15:30There was some stuff in the tenantworld that I did like quite a bit.I just never had the energyto keep up with it. But Chris Ecclinson is fuckingawesome as the doctor. I'll only do it when it'slike BBC, which BBC America does quite oftenwhere it's like 29 hoursof Doctor Who and it's just like five
15:46episodes out of nowhere. You know what I mean?Like I'll just, I'll watch like three episodes at once.and be like, oh, that was fun, and then move on with my life.Because some of it's, like, some really dark, crazy sci-fi shit, which is a lot of fun.And then it's like, here's a fucking alien dancing with a candy cane, and I don't give his shit.I kind of like that.Like, it's got that X-Files thing where some of them are just goofy.Like, my wife's a huge fan.
16:06She went through the whole series, and I watched a lot of them, and I do kind of like that.It's like, let's just think of ideas.Yes.And we can fix tones.We can play around.Like, there's no set focus.She's even watched, like, those early seasons that were, like, directed,by Georges Miliers.
16:21I know, I think she was.Dude, I love, I fucking lovelooking at old picturesof like original Doctor Whoand he looks like fucking Thomas Edisonin Vending a timeish.Some Mernow years.Yeah, that was great.
16:37It is so fucking hilarious.Doctor Who and Jackie Gleeson.To the moon, Doctor Who?Well, yes.We're literally going to the fucking moon.Who's on first?well, that's actually a pretty abstract questionif you want to think of the many versions
16:53of this world. Here's my messagefor you, Andrew. When you've got the flu,watch Doctor Who. Like, if you're sickin bed and you're like, I just wantlike 10 hours of something to get me throughthrough a season. Interesting.It rhymes. That could be likea recipe passed down
17:09through the ages. Like, you're on yourflu, watch Doctor Who.I'll dip back in themthe next time I'm gravely ill.I've got very little who experience.It's pretty much none.Give that eclist in the season a shot, though, dude.It's fucking cool.
17:25All right.So nanomites.Yes.This is the thing he's developed.It's little robot maggots.They're like nanobots.Yeah, little robot germs.Robot termites, I guess, because they eat things away.
17:37Like, they eat metal away.It's very important.They can eat and disintegrate metal or whatever the shit is.And like, he's at NATO and he's like, this is amazing because it'll cause mass destruction.And everyone's like, yeah.Do it!And then they're transporting it,and this is we get introduced to Duke,
17:53played by Channing Tatum.Ripcord by Marlon Wayans.Yes.And now I have to pause the conversationbecause there is a fuckinga real turdof a BS on the IMDB Tribune TriviaPings of this movie,
18:11where this movie, some rocket scientistslash IMDB contributordecided to state that Marlon Wayans was given this roledue to his performance in Requiem for a dream.Nine years earlier.What are you talking about?I would sooner believe that he got the role because of his role in Little Man.Yeah, exactly.
18:34Just as easily believe it, and it's just as dramatically, like, functional.Because I think in both Little Man and this movie,he's being carried on someone's back.Yeah.But there is that scene when they, uh,They stealScarlet's TVwhen him and Duke
18:51steal a Starlet's TVbringing up the boardwalkand sell it for drug money.I did forget about that.Yeah.They are crippling heroin addicts.Remember a little manwhen the little man
18:58gets his hand cut off?And Nick, it's a gold one.Replace it.Yeah, they're tasked withtransporting to thismaybe there's a safe house.Yeah, there's a convoy.They're transporting
19:15these warheads.Right.And they're,They're, like, best buds forever.There's this thing where, like, Marlon Wayne's like, hey, man, I want to, we need to transferto the Air Force.This is weird.And Duke is like, well, no, man, I want to be on the ground.
19:27We got to stay in the fight on the ground.And I'm like, well, why don't you go to the Air Force and you stay on the ground?Yeah, hey, Marlon Wayne's, why don't you just dictate your own career.No, we're partners.That's it.That's that we're, I guess, cops that are military, but not MPs.No, no, no, not those.It's also bizarre, though, because it's like, Duke,
19:47is totally shitting.I'm like the Air Force.Like,those men and womenhave important rolesand things also.It's almost identicalto the Harry Connick Jr.
19:57Will Smith thingan Independence Daywhere he's like,I want to go to NASAand he's like,I never forget to NASA.Just stay here and fly thingsand I'm going to die soon.
20:07I was surprisedMarlon Wayne'smakes it to this entire film,actually.I was pretty shocked.To tell you the truth,I was pretty shocked.I think one of the Joe
20:14should have been eaten by nanomites.Yeah.You've got this huge castAnd apparently in the next movieBecause of contract reasonsThey killed everybodyBut like just kill like one or two of the Joe'sSomebody doesn't make
20:25Someone has a heroic endYou know what I meanWe just said that fucking cover girl diesOh that's right yeahIs that her name?Yeah cover girl does dieShe does huge shit in this movieSo they get ambushed by Cobra
20:36Led by Sienna MillerPlaying the BaronessRightSomebody man this isI mean half this movie is aboutCosplay isn't itIt's just likeThis is the character
20:46character that I liked. This isan actress playing the characterthat I like. Well, you got the bad wigs for it.Oh, yeah, you do. I thinkSanta Miller's actually okay in this movie. She'swearing a bad wig this entire time. Well, if you think about it,like all of theater at its hearthis cosplay. That's true.
21:02It's true. Cossumes and aplate.You're being shockinglyprofound. Right? It's prettygood. Is that whathappens at the end of that KennethBrono William Shakespeare movie that's outright now all is true
21:17all iscause fucking flush that moviedown the toiletthat trailer I fell asleepthat would did youwas it nice sleepyeah I was a good dreamI mean like I agree with you
21:29but like they don't do enough of ityeah that's true doesn't get his fucking maskfor the last 20 minutesbutcher butcher cobra commanderin multiple waysliterally and figurativelyyes Joseph Gordon 11th's got like this gas mask onand then towards the end of the movie
21:44when he gets the face shieldit's fucking softJust give me a clear fucking face.Give me that mirrored fucking finish.Well, I think this one specificallyis they're doing an Anakin Skywalkerwith the Darth Vader thing.That's his look in this one.
21:58In the second one, there are many pointsbetter on the second one, retaliation.But the first one is they do the look perfect.The Coburner has a mirror.In retaliation?Yeah.Holy Toledo.They didn't want to do the cloaked helmet thing
22:13that he sometimes wears with the isolates.Because they're like, that looks too clan-ish.Oh, like when he wore the bag over his head.It's a blue clan mask without the point at the top.Yeah.That's what it's always been.But the point is what really makes it a clan mask.It's the point of the colors.
22:28Yeah, I mean, at that point, yeah.Yeah, and it's not like he's wearing red or white and blue.Maybe he's like the good clan.No, no such thing.It's the union clan.He's fighting for the union, but for some reason he's still raised.Yes.what I'm here is for better wages
22:47and Medicare forall. Why is everyonelooking? Yes, I'm dressed this way, but it's onlybecause I'm disfigured.I'm going to put the cross on the yard, but I'mnot going to burn it.I'm very religious.I love the Lord.
23:05We should actually, I wasI wanted to say this beginning, where doeseveryone rank with G.I. Joe in general?I think we've said that we've done a coupleanimation damnations on G.I. Joeand we've probably gotten through it.I never grew up with it.I had some of the toys in my house floating around.
23:19I was always a little too young for it, I thought.I was going to say, those toys were probably therebecause you had an older brother.Yeah, it was just, you know,it was a fun thing to kind of look at,but I didn't really watch the show growing up.I didn't watch a show either,but I definitely had some of the figures.
23:31Sure, yeah.Like, I remember liking just the size of them.Yeah, and you could bend them a lot.Yeah, I also think I was a little young for it.I think I watched some of it somewhere,but I was never that into it.I had one figure, which was this badass dude, like a musly man, right?They were all muslin.
23:51And he had like a mustache, and he had like a, he had a weapon.And a hat on.Yeah, I think he had a hat.You had a kung fu grip.Now that you mentioned it, I think he had a hat.But he also had like this weapon that looked like a, like a weed whacker.And I was like, this guy's fucking cleaning up the yard.Was he a gardener, dude?
24:09He might have been.Bear City 3, the gardener?Yeah, I neverYou know, crossed past with itI always knew what it wasBut I just never I never watchedI never watched the cartoonKind of became a memeish type of thing
24:23In like the early 2000sWhen they were doingE bombs world had itThat's the moonOh you're totally rightYeahAlthough I will say another bit of historyWith the GIGO franchise
24:35Steve do you recallWhen you and I tried to watchGIO retaliation?No, we tried to watch this movieWe stopped itoh no I thought it was the second onewas it this one because the colon probably fucked you upthat's why no we tried to watch this when we stopped because of the
24:48flashbacks I was bored to tears oh that's okay you're totallyright so it was this one then yes I have seen that second one thoughbecause I remember being like horrifiedat like the first 10 minutes of that moviebut I think so then yeah it was first of all it was a realfucking green out situation sure but it was like you know a movie's badwhen you're greening out and you're bored yesAnd we were like, these flashbacks are stupid.
25:13That sequel, which we will talk about eventually on this show.Oh, yeah.You get a huge upgrade from Stephen Summers to John Chu of Crazy Rich Asians.Much better director.Much clear sense of vision.Like, it's just a better movie.I just remember the fucking mountain fight in that movie.They're like fighting on the wall.
25:29Really cool.Back to the not as good movie.So they get, it's an ambush.Cobra said they have this cool, like, cool, in quotation marks.It's an action figure plane that like zaps everybody.You could feel them selling the toy set already.And it's the Baroness, I think it's just herand a bunch of soldiers and all these soldiers
25:49are wiping out Channing Tatum's team.Yeah.And then he's like, oh, Anna?Is that you, Anna?And then she like looks at him.Her special ability, by the way,is she has like super duper transition lenseskind of a thing?
26:03Yeah.It's like transition lenses in the not too distant future.You can't forget that we're in the not too distant future.Where do you get those?I'm not telling you.Come on, I have bad eyesight.Are those lens crafters?I don't want to be walking around with two different glasses.
26:20Look, I've been screwed over by Wabby Parker twice now.Walmart, is it Walmart?Look, I'll go to Walmart if I must.I ordered a giant, I ordered glasses, and they given me a giant lens I wear as a mask.I've just gotten used to it, but I originally went in for glasses.Nope, can't tell you. Sorry.These are very special. These are my power.So he's like, Anna is that used to? Everybody gets waxed.
26:55The GI Joe's show up. Which Joe's show up here? Is it?Jeff.Heavy duty. Heavy duty.Scarlet. I think Breakers there.And Breakers there, yeah.Heavy duty is played by Adibisi from Oz.Oh, yes, that's right. Mr. Echo from Lost also.And Breaker is the dude.
27:17We just saw him as the elder in John Wick 3.Oh, look at him. Yeah, there you go.He's been a ton of other stuff.And Scarlett is Rachel Nichols, who's just, you know, not ESPN's Rachel Nichols, but a different Rachel Nichols.No, but this Richard Nichols, she was on some, like, sort of big sci-fi show.Yes, yeah.That was one of those classic sci-fi channels.Canadian sci-fi lineups
27:42I think that wascontinuing was one of those programsand they're likehey congratulations youwere able to withstand that onslaughtgive us that case ofstuff of nanitesand we're introduced to
27:55the first of severalobnoxious hologramsthese things suckit's so you know whatStephen Summers this was stupidso many hologramshere's General HawkDennis Quaid in the movie
28:10he's there via hologram.This movie, it's likeyou're watching like a dude on the streetwith like the cup game.Yeah, and it's like try to guesswhich one the ball's under.This movie is like, try to guesswhich one's the fucking hologram.
28:24And then they also have the audacityto drop it.So much of the first part of this movieis who's a hologram.And then the second half, it's like, forget it.There's no more hologram technology.Just put them on speakerphone.Stop this nonsense.
28:38Just take out your little stupid smartListen, I can't.No, no, you have to mute.If your dog is going to bark during the conference call, you've got to mute.Are you on mute?Oh, God, damn it.I'm trying to do my fucking cooking while I was doing this.Heavy duty's got some weird line somewhere around here where he's like,
29:02don't make me shoot a woman.Yes, all right.Come on, heavy duty.You're a fucking Joe, man.Blow her away.Yeah, also, he's definitely shot.a woman. Don't be playing with me your secret Eric Princefucking organization. Well that's a thing too is that's a good question
29:18right like what is the legality of G.I. Joe's we don't know I mean well it'sit's a thing where when we get there Dennis quid's like fine come alonginsurance and you know like that's it. And when they get therethe one thing you do realize which is I'm sure ruffled many feathersin the jerk community what is that it's it'smulti-national.It's not just an American thing anymore.Because G.I. Joe is a real
29:46American hero. This is a, like, there's like,we don't, we don't answer to anybody.It's, you know, we've got France involved.We've got so and so. And so. Like his breakersfrom French Morocco or whatever.Oh, right, right, right, right. And of course,Atabesi is English.Yes. I always love when this actor gets to use his real accent
30:03because he fucking sounds totally badass.Great accent. Oh, yeah. We forgot his otherrole ascrock. Oh, he is killercrock. Oh, yeah, that's stunk.This is got about that.Adewel, Akanoi, Agbajee.I know I butcher that, but that's
30:21the man's name. That's why I call himout of Bisi. I do my best, but I callhim out of Bisi. Andyeah, so we getto their undergroundinSahara Desert. It's under theSahara and Egypt. And I got to tell you, right
30:37here, this is where I was like, whatear was this movie made?Because there was a shot of like the Joe plane flying over the desert and everything looks like afucking Wolf and the Stein game.It looks at the fucking CGI right here is so bad.It looked better in Stephen Summers the mummy.That's my impression of one of the guards on Wolfenstein.Like we walk into the room and say,
31:02I don't know if I've ever brought this up before, but do you guys just talk aboutMine Fielo.Die are I playinghim?That Hitler in a mecksuit, could you imagine?Speaking of Wofenstein,is anyone familiar withthere was a Wulfenstein hack
31:25back in the 90s, like a fan hack?Uh-huh.Wait, you can see this ding-dog?No, where you were...Mechanical ding-Ding-Dong?Which one? Wait, with Hitler's or BJs?Oh, yeah, both.You were still Wolfenstein, but...
31:37all of thewere wolfand stuffall the naziswere Beavis and Buttheadwhat that sounds made upI'll read the code tomorrowno dude ask
31:49ask my younger brotherabout thishe will tell youwe had thiswe had it wasI can only assumethat it was a hacksure
31:57you'd call it a hack nowrightlike a modyeah a modyeah a modexcuse me yesit was definitely a modand it was Beavis and Budhead
32:06running aroundand you fucking shot themto death. Wow. It was, I swear it wasin Castle Wolfenstein. All the levels and everything were the exactsame, but all the baddies were B was a mother. You know what? I'm putting it out to theinternet. Tell me Andrew's not a liar. I think he's a liar right now, but there'senough people on the internet. Someone's going to have a screencast. If this doesn't exist, Imay have been abducted by aliens and have some fucking implanted memories because I've
32:31played the shit out of it. How's Mulder's daughter do? It washis sister and she's long dead.Oh, they fucking killed her, dude?She's dead, dude.Samantha's dead.The best Wolfenstein mod is when you could put Rosie O'Donnell instead of the Nazis.I played it all the time.First of all, I was very uncomfortable shooting Nazis in the first place.
32:54So I was like, no thank you.But wait, we could change it into Rosie.Okay.It was called Pig Out.I don't like being the bad guy, so I didn't like shooting the Nazis.So, yeah, we're in.Here's a question. Do you think Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer would...Did you say Nazi Pelosi? I love Nazi. Oh, wait, Nancy?
33:15Do you think that they would at least introduce legislation, though, allowed Trump not to be in a mechanical mech suit with Gatling guns? Do you think that they would at least...No. I guarantee you, if he loses or wins, he's coming out in a meck suit.Yeah, I'm not a crook, and you're not full of hell.Yeah, but he still has crippling hemorrhoidsSo that fucking mech suitsJust kind of like trying to walk on the south lawnIt's a fucking toilet, dudeSo he's like, yeah, I'm on a walking toilet
33:49So what?And Pelosi and Schumer are like, well, you know what?Elections have to have consequencesNow he's in a mech suit.That's it.This is my Pacific Rim robot.I call it money cash.That would make a better Pacific Rim Zeguel
34:04than what we got.Speaking of, we get introduced to mexie.suits in this movie. That's prettyfucking stupid, huh? Oh, dude,it's fucking stupid. So, like,we, we learn about the G.I. Joe's.They're an international group of so-and-so's.I don't know who there is, who they're answering
34:19to. Maybe NATO, maybe not.Seems they've run through NATO and the president.I think it's through the one world government.Oh, yeah.The G.I. Joe's,what I call it, crisis actors.Yeah, we're talking aboutfucking Alex Jones having a heart attack during Geo storm.
34:36He would die watching this.Oh, for sure.And the real globalist heroes.First of all, they took a perfectly good game that, well, game, I mean, you know, the game of war, which is contained within G.I. Joe.Perfectly good cartoon that used to be able to jerk off to like an American.You see Baroness and you see those beefy cakes.And now we got, what is this, ring around the rosy with the world here?So many great characters like Snow Job aren't in this movie.
35:06Oh, what's great?The snow job, my favorite, my favorite G.I. Joe, he was known for spitting it back in your mouth.Catch him in bed with a roadblock.Yes, that's why I have this face mask to avoid snow job.Let me add him, Duke. Let me add him.You know, I was just committed G.I. Joe, love driving my snowmobile around, shovelingdriveways and next thing I know all these rumors got started about old snow jobDuke I can get him I'm gonna need your help first though
35:46not with my face mask oh man it's just dripping down the face maskthat's why I had sold a windshield wiper oh nice you know that snow job justlove skiing hiking the forest and winter you know what guys I just love Christmaswhere is all this coming fromwhat he said commonso yeahbut they're like all rightif you guys are going to be a GI Joe's
36:13you're going to have to be trained in a matterof time question mark yeah bigold question mark as to how long this training takesand you cannot forgetI believe Dennis Quaid is the firstone to fucking strike this matcha couple of times in this movie we are definitelysaying knowing his half the battle
36:29oh my Godyou shut the fuck offyou can make that stupid you can make that stupid jokeonce you really can at theend of the movie, just like it came at the end of the cartoon show.Well, they do that a lot with, like, I was watching old, like, advertisements for G.I. Joe's stuff.A lot of the little pieces of, like, the copy for those are scattered within the script.Well, they have Marlon Wayne's, first of all, speaking of, when he's in the plane, like, after, well, they're transporting him from the battle site to G.I. Joe headquarters, Scarlett gives him some morphine or something.
37:04Right.She puts it right in his armAnd he goes, that's the good shitAnd I'm like, oh, so he was cast forBut then he's like, yeah, man, I got that kung fu gripAnd I've got, I got life-like hairEven to life-like hairHe says it to Adabisi
37:18Because he's high on whatever the fuckAnd he's like, oh man, you got that life-like hairAnd Adabizi grabs his armHe's like, ooh, and you got that kung-foo gripStupid cityHoly shit, dudeSo we cut back between thatAnd we're, it's fucking
37:34It's Christopher Eccleson on like a spaceship or, no, I'm sorry, he's in a submarine somewhere.Which you think for the entire scene is a plane until it's a submarine.And you think he's talking to be. Storm Shadow is here. This is, um, uh, just the other guy there.Oh, the other guy? Li, Biong Yo. Biong-Hun-Lee. Yeah.Is this the-al-and-it's the dude from, uh, fucking I saw the devil.If you have not seen I saw the devil, this man is,fucking awesome in that movie. It's this likeKorean horror
38:08movie slash like hitman movie.It fucking rules.He's also, he's been with that director a lotthat Kim Jiwonbecause he also did a different lifeand then he came over here and I forget. He was insomething really recently, somethingrelatively bad. G. I. Joe. Well, yes.
38:24Is he a guy dressed in white in this?Yes. Yes. Young Hunley, Storm Shadow.Who is now supposedlybrother or raisedwith snake eyes?Is that the character's name?And he's a silent warrior with swords.And he was in the first scene too.
38:41He was with Scarlet and those guys.And it's a pretty good like, you know,what we would have called there,like photrealistic to the character.It's good cosplay, except for the lips.What are we doing with this mouth?What are we doing with those lips?It's weird.
38:56It's very weird.Oh, he's in red too, Cabin.Yes.All right.Now, back to lips.Now, where they just like,no lips? Was it just likea plastic sheet? I think he was like a ninja guy.
39:08He was just a ninja there was a fucking ninja mask. And in the second onehe doesn't have the lips anymore. Yeah, well that'sI don't think Ray Park demanded those lips. He might have.Ray Park or a friend, uh, Darryl. Oh, is he portrayed? Yes, he is.Oh, wow. Yeah, he's snake eyes dude.Lip eyes. I just don't like somebody. They're forkissing, Steve. I feel like somebody, yeah, somebody drew like snake eyes in theperfect way and like, all right, this is to be the costume. And this is like,
39:34Well, where are the lips?And everyone's like, wait, what?I mean, he's going to have lips.I mean, what are we doing?We're making G.I know, they talk about his, like, vow of silence,so I bet, like, it'll, you know,it'll make the vow of silence a little more profound
39:47if you could see the lips that he's now using it.Like, you could see,he could probably use those lips,but he's not using those lips.It'd be great if he had a lip ring.I mean, if we're going to do it, let's do it.Bad Snake eyes.If he had a lip ring.
40:02He'd be in a new metal band.I was going to say every, well, yeah, every time you saw him,it would have to be like maybe new metal or like,but on, but down, but now, but not enough of that kind of music in this movie.It should be riddled with it.Either that or Skinnered.Fucking pick away.Sorry, I'm a little sick and that got me.
40:23That's all right.And so, yeah, Destro is like, all right, we need to.Destro?Destro, yeah.Isn't he just McCallon?McCallon.For now.He doesn't become Destro until the end.
40:35That's true.Yeah, he wants Snow Job gets him.You know, again, guys, I'm a fan of hockey.I don't understand how all of a sudden all these things about me snowball and spunk.It's just me, snow job.I just live in Maine.That's just the whole thing.I'm like the out of doors.
40:55Contrary to what you may have heard, I didn't spit so much spunk inside of Destro's mouth that have destroyed it.And they had to pump it out.That did not happen.And that's not why he's Destro.That's not what's on his face.Everybody thinks that's what's on his face.That is actual silver.By the way, again, another six-sad rumor about old snow job.
41:18I don't even know how this one's related.But no, I've never had any ribs removed to suck my own penis.I think that was Ripcourt, who started that one.You know, guys, if I can, if I can just get in here really quick,if we're airing grievances, yes.This is Rimjob.I love basketball.That's all it is.
41:41Rim job loves basketball.I don't go in the anusto do whatever everyone is sayingall around the locker room.Rim job loves basketballand taking it to the hoop.I heard you were dunking with that tongue.No, it's basketball.
41:56Rim job loves basketball.And I donkey punch.I just like punching donkeys.I'm doing a donkey punch.I'm a proud animal abuser.That's the toughest farmer you're talking to in the entire United States.That's why we had to draft him into G.I. Joe.And Joe Hawk, just be lucky.
42:18Just be lucky.It's Hawk.I'm just called Comshot, which is C-O-M-E.Because when I show up, I'm here to shoot.I shoot the bad guys.I'm Com-Shod.Yeah, it's me.Favorite G.
42:32Joe, right?Rusty trombone.And let me just tell you,it's because I'm a musicianwho has a very old instrumentpassed down from generations.Yeah, I'm Cleveland Steamer.And yes, I do enjoy
42:44eating feces.That's how it's just gonna be,man.So whatever.He's like, you know, you have togo get these nanites tomorrow.The Baroness goes back to hercastle. She's got like a husband.
43:01It's a bunch of nonsense.What's this guy's name?marrying CobrettiThis guy's likeCobre somethingThis the BaronBecause the Baroness is marriedTo Baron de Cobre
43:15Oh okayThat's a funWhich is stupidBecause this man is in no wayAffiliatedNo he's a good guyI'm not a good guyBut he's an innocent
43:22Bystander for the most partHe's just this innocentfucking FrenchmanThat gets butcheredIt's funny thing where he's likeWhere have you been for two weeksAnd she's likeI've been out
43:30And he's likeOkaydone dealwe still have sex occasionallyalright I'll see you laterit's kind of an Anne HathawayItalian con man wedding they've got going onthere's the other way around
43:43man some things you justnever live down like beingmarried to a con manand Storm Shadows like whatever he's aroundwe meet Cobra Commanderwho's actually you find out all theseCobra soldiersbecause we're not saying Cobra at all this because
44:00Cobra doesn't exist yetWell, it's the rise of Cobra.It's a Rex commander.We got to charm Cobra first.All of these cobra soldiers are, you know, actually mind controlled by him through these nanites and all this stuff.And this dude is just, he goes by the doctor.We get his whole flipping backstory throughout this movie.Don't even worry about it.
44:21But this is Joseph Gordon Levitt.Yeah, it's kind of like a fucking Darth Vader without the helmet on situation here.He's got like a wig.which Darth Vader did not wear, sadly.Maybe he should have considered it.I think so, you know, right?Get those peepers out there, walk around.Totally.
44:39See through his own eyes for a little bitbecause it's really just a breathing problemlike Cobra Commander has.And yeah, he puts in those nanomites.My asthma.He puts in those nanomitesinto all these soldiers.And it takes away like their fear
44:53and like he demonstratesthat this one could be bitten by a king cobra.Oh.And like the fucking little robots in his bloodstreamAnd like, get out of here, venom, pushes the venom out of his body.Oh, right, that's pretty dumb.That's the stupidest part because I'm like, oh, that's really impressive.Does it do it?
45:13Like, if I get shot in the face, does it reconstruct my face?No.Okay.If it straddles you, does it make the airwaves come out?No, but it can turn your face into a rotten pumpkin, which is pretty cool.Yeah, there's some Halloween three shit at the end of this movie.I like it.And then rounding out the cast as.
45:29Zartan is somebody's name I alwaysget wrong so I'm going to go to the internet to let me knowArnold VoslouArnold Voslou thank youHow are you always fucking up Arnold Voslou?You could have just asked usYeah I always say VoslouNo it's Voslou
45:44Yeah you just got to look at where the letters areYeah you didn't have to put a gun to that kid's headand make him say it like thatYeah where did you get that little peasant childGet out of hereThis kid smellsWhy won't I go why can't you take me back tomy mother just saying the name did.
46:01Please, Papa Steven.No, who played the mummy?Who played the mummy?Arnold Baslu.So he was in the mommy, and he was also in thoseDarkman sequels. Yes.Yeah, yeah.Taking over the role for Liam Nees.
46:17And he's in our favorite hard target, man.Oh, yeah.He's awesome.Fuck, I forgot about that.He's actually kind of awesome in this.Not enough Vaslu.Like, he's having fun, I think.Yeah, it's one of those, like, witty,
46:29get a load of him in the sequel kind of thing.Like this movie secretly spendsthe entire time setting up the sequelwhich I don't appreciate.Tartan's like a shapeshifter or something.Well that's the Vassu is likemaster of disguise. His whole thingis to set up the twist.
46:45Yeah. That's the whole point of his character.Like he kills a few people fine.Which the twist you see coming 45 minutesbefore the movie ends.Yes. Yes. Um, so we getthis is, so they're introduced to these mech suitsand shit. We get this training.Accelerator chute
47:01AcceleratorThey can go faster and stronger and stuffThat's whatIf you knowIf they made a live actionMega Man it would look like thatAnd it would suckYep totally
47:11And then a bunch of peopleWould fucking bitch about itOn the internetAnd then the director would apologizeAnd say they were going backTo the drawing board six monthsBefore the movie came outI feel like these franchise movies
47:21Are gonna end at Sepaku at some pointSomewhere it's like wellOr at least like somebody'sHave to cut their finger offYep totallyYou made Sonic have weird teethCut your finger off.I got to tell you,
47:31I don't appreciate this backto the drawing boardwith Sonic the hedgehog.You made it, stand by it,fuck the internet.First of all,I wanted to see that bad movie.I still will see that bad movie.
47:41But I also think it's a bad precedent.Just in general,I actually,it's one of those thingswhere it's like,I don't care one way or anotherand I actually think it looked heinousand maybe they can make it look better,
47:52but I would rather them not do itand set the precedent.Stop letting whiny piss babiesfucking dictate what you're doing.Do you think that's going to fix it?You're going to take the teeth out and that's going to be the thing that's get it?They're going to rip Sonic's teeth out.Is it safe?
48:11Is it safe?Sonic the hedgehog?The only thing they're going to do is make his head bigger.Yeah.Who gives a shit?Well, there's only so much you can do because all that footage exists.You got to like, yeah.I just put the movie out and let us make fun of it.
48:25Please.Where soOh noThis montage of trainingAnd this is likeWe're bringing the fucking StephenSummers All-Stars dudeFor no reason
48:36The dude running the trainingIn this movie is Brendan FraserAnd like just have Brendan FraserBe in this movieI don't get thisPleaseWhen I saw him introducedI was like
48:45All rightThey're rounding out the castOkayYepAnd it's just likeAnd then likeI'm like watching the movieAnd it's almost done
48:52I'm likeWhat happened to him?It's just to make you be likeHeyyou remember the mummysame guywell it makes really no sensebecause the fucking character
49:02is supposed to be sergeant Slaughteris the guy who trains the Joesin the original showand at least if the Tribune triviais to be believedSargent Slaughter wanted to be in this movieand they couldn't like clear legal shitlike come on man
49:16if you can get the rest of these Joe'swell Sarge Slaughter was this weird thingwho existed in two worldsbecause like he was a cartoon characterthat also wrestledas a wrestlerso like Vince McMahon had money inand Hasbro had money in it
49:29so that's why it's likeI feel like you gotta call himlike Sergeant Payne or somethingand Brendan Fraseras Sergeant Payneno you get a Damon Wayansto beoh major right
49:41man that moviefucking sucksI think it would be no less than a hundred timesit's one of those things wherenot only is it a bad movieit's an annoyingoh absolutelyit's gotta be
49:52annoying moviebut that's what it's made forit's made to be annoying.For the babies.For the babies.What else happens to this montage?I mean, so, like, it's a montage.We start getting flashbacks to like...
50:05Oh, this, our first flashback is here.Because they're all fucking friends, dude.Are you kidding me with this?I think this is, yeah, this is when we stopped watching.I'm not going to watch the rest of this.I mean, this is so fucking stupid.We realize that so the baroness...Yes.
50:21What's her name, Anne?Anna.Anna.was at one point betrothed to Channing Tatum, Duke, as it were.We see their proposal scene.And oh, here's Anna's brother.Oh, what's that?Her brother, Rex, played by Joseph Gordon Levitt, the Cobra Commander himself.
50:42What?Well, first they're doing the Chattanooga Choochoochoochooch.Oh, with the swing music.And, like, 2015.They're going off to World War II.fucking First Avengers next to him.It's so fucking stupid.Channing Tatum, who is a great dancer,
51:01is doing, I wish,I hope, in my heart of hearts,is intentionally bad dancingbecause this is some bad dancingthat he's doing right here.You think Stephen Summer stopped him?No, you're doing it wrong.Dance like this.
51:16He does like the Elaine dancer.He's the Summer's shuffle.He's doing his own dancechoreography. No. Dancelike this. No channing.More little kicks. Morelittle kicks and slower. That's it.You know, we're going to shut it down.
51:33We're going to watch sweating to the oldies.And he proposes to her andshe's like, oh, this is awesome. I'll getmarried to you on one condition. You bringmy little brother home on thisnext mission you guys are going on. Andlike Marlon Wayans also runs inand he's just like, oh, did you
51:51propose? Well, you can't getmarried until you answer me these questionsthree, whatever fucking Harry ConningJr. horseshits going on here.It's so obnoxiousthat they make them all know each other.It's really bad. And during the trainingmontage, I think it's out of B.C.
52:07who says, we've gotto get you trained, Joe style.Which is either the most boring or the mostdisgusting sense.Yeah, I think it's a fucking sloppydude. You took it right out of mymouth, man. I was going tolay down some slop.
52:22you do this Joe styleI will say about the trainingand like it's kind of weirdbecause 2009 was a more innocent timelike it's before Hollywood gotthe Bain serum like if you look at the bodiesin this movie like they're just kind ofbuilt dudes they're not like that super
52:38weird cut Marvel Captain Americalike shizzled of the godskind of a six pack took over you had to seeit yes yeah like this there's youthey're definitely cutI mean they look great it's fucking Channing TatumYeah, ha-cha-cha-cha.But, yeah, you don't, like, he's not cut up like that.
52:56Yeah, so then it's not the shredded thing.Like, you never had, there was never a fucking story about, like, Marlon Wayansgained 20 pounds of muscle to be in J.I. Joe, Rise of the Cobra.No, it was Arnold Vossel who gained 20 pounds of fat, and they removed his shirtless scene.They just put a shirt on Arnold. He didn't do it.Arnold didn't show up in shape you guys.We're going to cut the sex scene.The worst part of this montage, I have to say, is they are playing a rap remix of Banga Gong by T.Rex.
53:29Oh, dude, get the fuck out of town.This song sucks.And it's a white rapper.Because T.Rex is amazing.Yes, this version is terrible.It's this what you should really look there.There's a video for this song.It's not connected to G.I. Joe, but it's just like the most, like, Paul Giamati as a rapper with, like, these very, like, lazy dancers in the background going like,
53:50and this is so badI highly recommend itYou got a name on thisLondon bus stopOkayStop itLondon bus stopIs that a G.I. Joe?
54:05Listen, I justNo, IThat's whereThat's just what I like to goOn London busesNo nothing happenedAt those bus stopsI'm not even British
54:15I never jerked nothing at a bus stopAll rightI pay the fare with moneyJust like everyone elseI've heard about your Kung Fu gripThis dudeSo Storm Shadow and the Baroness break into the Joe compoundBecause something something tracking device
54:33They're able to fucking get in thereAll hell breaks looseBig fucking fight scene hereIt kind of feels like the end of the movieBecause everyone's like everyone's like paired upfighting each otherThis particular because we're fighting in a headquartersLike this totally feels like the final act
54:49of the Hank Scorpio Simpson's episodeand it's just likeoh yeah fucking oh hey tankfeel free to kill somebody on the way outand that's anotherlike a connection with Kingsman is likeMatthew Vaughn was like I wantedto do a Bond movie so I did Kingsman
55:05Stephen Summer's like I want to do a bond movieso I did G.I. Joe.Yeah. Is that real? It's definitely a Bondhangout because he's like oh I always want to dothis is the closest I'm going to get to do a bond movie.That's insane and that's also sadIt's kind of really sad.The funniest part about this whole break-in scene is it's General Hawk in his office.
55:27And speaking of fucking cover girl, oh no.Well, yeah, cover girl's in the scene right here.But speaking of fucking hot old jazz music, dude,he's just listening to some fucking herky jerky shuffle shit.It's like, what are you talking about?It's 2009.It's Hawk Time, dude.That's what he does in Hawk Time.
55:47well it's in the not too distant future where all this shit comes back oh so it's kind of like when swing music was back in the fashion duke ellington slaps uh yeah zartan shows up he kills cover girl and fucking impaled and this impalment was when i was first like oh this isn't really for kids this is for the people who were kids when that cartoon came out like the trans but at least the transformers movies which are terrible they balance it a little better i yes i think it's atoo. Yeah. AndI don't know. Zartan like cuts upa hawk's stomach and then putshis face up against a graphup against like an eye scannerto get the thing. Just cut fuckingHawks hat off. That's it, dude. Let's kill that.
56:32I was waiting for him to liketurn into Hawk or likeimpersonate Dennis Quay, you know.Well, I feel like Dennis Quaid was like, can I be out of this movie?How about you killed? What if Hawk diedright here? Wouldn't that be a nicetwist for the audience? Again, anotherTribune trivia. Really? A sweet fucking
56:47Nug was thatStephen Summers and theproduction, you know, the producersor whatever, like loved Dennis Quaid so muchas Hawk that they wrote, according tothe Tribune trivia, an additional 10 to15 scenes. Jesus.So this really, if you're to be believing
57:03the internet, was like supposed to be a fuckingcameo. Yeah, Stephen, I'mglad to still be here, but I'msitting down. That's going tobe the thing, I have to sit down.And I think, no, I think you're right, Kevin, because if youlook at what he does for the rest of this movie,it is just him yelling from the same command center
57:19for the rest of the film. He's in a wheelchair.He's literally in a wheelchair. He is evenin a wheelchair at one point. That's true.So it's a big fight. Storm Shadow andSnake Eyes meet up andthis is where it's a hello brother. And you know, I thinkthis is where we turned it off because this was likea, oh, there's another one.
57:37Another set of flashbacks, but I will sayit happens a couple times because it's like a flashbackthread. Every time likeare you got to be kidding me with these Storm Shadowflashbacks? But then toolittle kids start fighting to the deathand I'm like, sayI noticed the same thing. Dude, I was like,
57:54these are two little kids doing like John Wickfighting and this is not halfbad. Listen, one kid hitsanother kid in the face with a frying pan.That's kind of cool. They're fighting to thedeath. They're children fighting to the death.The fucking, you know, little rascalsnever did that. Take that. R gang.
58:11Why doesn't fucking spanky, fucking takealfalfa's face and shove it on the stove?This is just us teeing up our R-ratedfranchise kid fight.Yeah, dude,would be huge.Lots of blood, lots of beheadings.Wasn't that kind of what kick ass was
58:24supposed to be?It's like, look, it's a little kid doingthings.No, but they fight each other.Oh, it should be, yeah, it's not like a kidfighting an adult.It's just two kids fighting to the death?To the death, absolutely.
58:34Yeah, it's not like, three ninjas where it's like,oop, we knocked someone in the olderguy and the nerds in high five.Oh, oh, Hulk Heldon fell off of Mega Mountain.It's like these kids are like, there's a stoveinvolved. He's like trying to get his faceof the fire.I'm like, yeah.
58:46Yeah, yeah.It's fantastic.I love seeing kids almost die.More like a battle royale type situation.Yeah, definitely.And the soundtrack is definitely filled with bonob,bonop,because it's just matrix fighting.
59:00It would be awesome.So they get away with the device or whatever,and they're going to go to Paris is the idea.We got to get to Paris, man.This is where this whole, like,terrorist attack is going to happen.Like, let's flash forward to a lot of the movie here.We're in Paris.
59:15And the whole thing is like,It's one of those, like, Chris Oliver Ackleson is like,we got to show them what the device can do.And then they're going to come to the most powerful man in the worldand beg for mercy or whatever.Something, something, something.We got to go to the French because they offended the clan McCullen.And this is the scene where it's like, hey, remember that dumbass thing from the beginning?
59:38Well, this justifies it.No, it doesn't, Stephen Summers.It just, just don't have it in the movie.It just doesn't even matter.It just, again, the Hank Scorpio line.and nobody ever says Italy.Like that's, just do that.Just do, we're going to Paris.
59:51We don't need a fucking hundreds-year-old reason why.And I guess, is this like a bond thing?It's like, oh, I'm a villain arms dealerand I'm going to blow up something.And then everyone's going to flock to me to try to get the,listen, buddy, didn't work for Osama bin Laden.Not going to work for you.Agreed.
01:00:10So this is what we finally get the max suits.Everybody gets into their max suits.We're running through the streets of Paris.or Czechoslovakia more aptlyand Baronesskills her husband at this pointwho caresOh right, he's the scientist
01:00:23that weaponizes these littlerockets or whateverIt's the Baroness and Storm ShadowThey're in a carThey're trying to get to the Empire TowerEiffel TowerThe Eiffel TowerI'm an ugly American
01:00:40And they're trying to get thereAnd then likeSnake Eyes is on the carThere's some fighting going onit's an okay action sequence sure i mean it's just those lips though like i can't look away that'syour brother right someone needs to at least try to kiss it you know like try to kiss those lips yeah exactlyjust be like i know there's still humanity in you you rub the face down like little face off rub and thenyou go and then see if it sparks any emotion in him where he can actually talk again and be a real
01:01:12He finally says, like, please stop kissing me.I would love it if it...I've had a vow of silence for 25 years, but please stop kissing me.I would love it if it just at the very end, like, he's at the cafeteria,he just opens, and those are his actual lips.And he's just like an alien.Oh, yeah, he's just like eating an apple with those fucking weird lips.That would be so horrific.
01:01:30Which just looks like a horse.Well, don't they...Because Marlon Wayans sort of towards the beginning of the film is trying to flirt with...Scarlet.scarlet thereand don't they make somethingabout like snake eyeskind of has the hots
01:01:47for Scarlett a little bitit's something like right at the beginningshe has a thing for snake eyesso that should have been the movewell she's also a weirdhas a thing for heryes yeahand she's also a weird sociopath too
01:02:00because she's likeI don't have emotionsit's like shit dudewell I guess if you're a G.I. Joeand you're killing people every dayyeah you can't dudeyou gotta be totally turned offwell
01:02:09Marla Wayne's a rip cordis doing the classicI don't quituntil you sleep with mewhich is very charmingwell that's not botheringI was going to sayin some circles dude
01:02:23it's known as the Steve UrkelI'm wearing her downyep and now she has gotno emotionscongratulationsso this warhead is weaponizedthe baroness'sbaron is murdered
01:02:37by Storm Shadowthey're running through the streetsthey're like jumping through trainsand stuff.And we got these super suits on.Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans have these super suits on.I will say this is the closest to an excitingand interesting action sequence this movie has.
01:02:50It's the best action sequence in the movie.I would say so.I guess it is.It's sad to say that.I was thinking like, no, it's not.I can't name anything else.It's definitely better than the lightsaber battle at the end.Yeah.
01:03:01That's pretty dumb.Yeah.Somewhere around here, there's,dude, this movie is flashback crazy, dude.There's just this quick pop and it goesEast Africa, four years.years earlier and you see Channing Tatum and JGL are on some mission and it's like all rightJoseph Gordon Levitt Rex you're the fucking science officer run into that building and fucking
01:03:25hack the planet or whatever's going on and he's like you got to move quick because I called inthis air strike blibbitty blow JGL runs in the air strike is early they fucking bomb thisbuilding well JGL should be like so what why don't you give me like a two minute head start and thencalled the airstrike. How about I go in there?Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don'tfucking rely on themto time it. You alreadycalled them? How can
01:03:51you call them back and saystop? Yeah, call it off. Exactly rightKevin. Call it off. I'll go in. I'll dothe computer thing. And then when you seeme step foot out, you call that airstrike.I might meet Kevin J. O'Connor in there.I don't know what's going to happen. Justfucking call it off. Man,
01:04:07man, dude, chill factorsKevin J. O'Connor. But he meets.It's like a guy called Dr. Mindbender.That's Kevin J. O'Connor.Oh, okay.He's also from the mummy.Oh, no, he's from Deep Prize.He's in the mummy, too.
01:04:22He's a Stephen Summers bud.And he plays Igor in.Fan Helsing.Wow, that sucks.But Dr. Mindbender, by the way,this episode is the movie, but who cares?But I looked up the Wikipedia page for Dr.Mindbender.
01:04:37You know what his backstory is?No.No.He was an orthodontist that was working on, and he's a good guy, regular guy.He's trying to work on, like, dental pain reduction.But then he was spitting it back in their mouth.No, but in doing so, he accidentally created a mind control device and made himself evil and crazy.Wow, what a flub.
01:05:00So he's the riddler.Yeah.But, like, that's the thing.It's like, is it so bad to be evil and crazy?Right.Hey, man, if it pays.If it pays, dudeYou know, I'm kind of glad
01:05:14We're done with Joseph Gordon Leavitt as a society, right?We had that time and it all ended.Well, I think it's just one of those things like Zach GalefinaqueHe was in 10 movies in four yearsAnd he's just got to take a break.Is that it?He's coming back, I think.Ten movies in four years that all sucked.
01:05:30Yeah, everybody was like, dude, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.Just pen the Oscar for him, dude.He's going to get it.He's going to do it.I mean, 500 days of summer is a real crazy.Creep Fest.Don John is awful.Oh, I never watched it.
01:05:43I like Inception is fun. I like them in DarknetRising. Sure. But likeas a lead, like his leadmovies have always sucked.Looper is okay. Oh, I guess that's oneYeah. Looper, I was a hair awayfrom turning off. What do you guys think of Snowden?I'm a Muppet voice
01:05:59on Snowden. Big shrug.Yeah, that movie. Big old shrug.It was one of those movies.I watched it and I was like, that's a good movie.And then the second I left the screening room, I neverthought about it again. Well, you know what that is? It's that OliverStone thing. You want him to be good again.And you're like, God, like, I found myself
01:06:15almost like excusing parts ofsavages. Oh, really?That fucking weird drug cartel movie. I wastrying so hard. What was thatGGL 50-50,him and Seth Rogan, the cancer comedy?I'm not crazy about that one either. Oh, you know,it's a good JGL movie? And it's like
01:06:31he's kind of sharing the top billis the night before.Yeah, that's not bad. Him, Seth Rogan,Anthony Mackey. That's a funny movie.Michael Shannon.steals that movie absolutely hey i stole your movie hip hip hipyou're just trying to get it back now see how tall i am seth come oncome up here and get it jump buddy jump up here and get your movie
01:06:51so channing tatum hits the kill switch on this thingwell they shoot at the eiffel tower and it starts to collapseyeah it does collapse it's been eaten by the mites right the little mites areeating it and not only does thatit is very cartoonianit's like when there's a bunch of bees in itin a cartoon they form into an arrowand stuff. Yeah, it does remind me
01:07:13of that. It's a weird thing where like thisthe nanobotsor whatever can like hoponto all sorts of metal. So you see it likegetting on different cars and stuff and it's likeoh, the whole city's going to be decimatedunless we hit this kill switch withChanning Tatum hits. But he gets
01:07:29abducted by the cobras. Right.Or the not, the as of yetunnamed cobras. The unnamed cobrashe's abducted by them.The rest of the Joes get arrested.I don't need this movie to stop dead for two seconds with them getting arrested,only to be turned around and saved by Dennis Quaid in the very next scene.He's like, all right, Joe's.
01:07:51You can't go to Paris ever again.Breakers freaking out about this.Everybody else doesn't care.By the way, my name is Hawk because I have feathers underneath my clothing.Oh, that'd be amazing if he was like a bird creature.That'd be so cool if it like came out of the end of the movie.just like yeah i got you hawks here and he turns into a bird oh it's just dude shake your tailfeathers it's like a giant it's a big bird but with dennis quade's head i had to shave down
01:08:21the beak he flies in and saves like the polar ice cap or whatever the fuck at the end of thismovie he holds on to uh channington it with his big talons yeah i like it i like it throws him intothe garbage and who's in there but oscar the grouch oh shit dude the most popular jiei joe all right look i know i got the nickname in the joe's trash fucker and that's just a bigmisunderstanding oh my god i was just caressing the trash and yeah uh just to be clear uh raw dogloves condoms i love i always use condoms i always do raw dog wraps it up i just eat cold hot dogsright out of the package.And listen, deep throats
01:09:13just an informantduring the Nixon Watergate.It's not an actual throatfucking.Look, like, I know facialsounds bad, but I actually justcan change my face. I'm like the chameleon.The chameleon
01:09:28was already taken, so I had to gowith facial.So whatever, we finallygo to fucking cobras under underwater and here's the thing you got to pick one you can have anarctic base yep or an underwater base yep you can't have an underwater arctic base fuck youmovie yeah i can't even believe it's stephen summers what a flub again way to pull of summersthis whole thing was giving me a lot of like sea lab 2021 yeah a lot of that yeah cut to fuckingnato no look we can't find out where cobra and destro are there's just incredible energy being used
01:10:06up at the North Pole.Yeah, I don't know where it could become.It's like more than a city.It's, look, Mr. President, it's either Cobra's secret base or Santa Claus is workingovertime.We can't figure it out.We can't get eyes on it.It's either Cobra has a secret base or there's global warming that's escalating the melting
01:10:24of this ice cap.You know, there could be, I guess, a secret base pumping out exhaust under it.It's exactly the same amount of energy as the G.I. Joe base, but it's evil energy.So I don't know what, uh, I don't know what's going on.on here. Listen, this is agreen station, everyone.Oh, I like that.Fucking puff puff past, dude.
01:10:45No, low flowtoilets. Andwaterless urinals.That's right. Howdisgusting does thatsound. Think about howdisgusting it sounds.The reality is
01:11:00ten times worse, andwe're composting.Jesus, you know, boss, there's all these solarpanels on the polar ice caps.I think somebody's using itdown there. I don't know, man.We shit in bucketsand throw it on the garden.
01:11:17Did you call me? Oh, wait, no, I'mG.I. Shit bucket.It'sexactly what you think it's for.G.I.That got me.It'sone time of college.
01:11:34We'll do it, shit bucket.They can't do it on commandAll right, fuck, let's do some shotsAnd then we'll do it everybody's watchingWho threw out these eggshellsThey go in the compassExecute himOh somewhere around here
01:11:50There's another fucking dip shit flashbackWhere snake eyesAnd Storm ShadowStorm Shadow murdersTheir masterThis dude that's like been raisingSlash training themand just kind of runs away
01:12:07that's just a great detail to haveit's like I really don't carenobody cares two swordsmenfighting guess what I'm thereI'm on board exactly it's coolerif you don't know the beefexactly it's way cool if you don't knowthe beef but I also I don't know I
01:12:22again the little kids fighting I also like thisactor who plays the master if you look at hisfilmography from the years1980 to likeI bet it's fucking awesome it's just the bestshitty white guy karatemovies like he's in all of them do reallylet me just pull up is he an American
01:12:40Shaolin no he's actually in samurai copthoughGerald Okomura yeah this guy ruleshe's inlet me pull it upa ninja academytime burst the final alliancekarate wars 9 and a half
01:12:58ninjas show down a littleTokyo capital punishmentthe master demon deadly betRapid Fire, American Street Fighter,I want to watch all these movies.I want to stop talking and watch all of these movies.The little kid who plays snake eyeslooks like he grows up to be Zach Braff.
01:13:13Yeah, he does.It's really, it's kind of bad.Yeah, I'm a murderous ninja training now,but when I grow up,I'm going to fucking love the band Snow Patrol.And I'm going to be a canceled show about a podcast.Let's just put down the sores and yell into this pit in New Jersey.All right?
01:13:31Come on, Storm Shadow.Let's do it.So Dr. Rex is going to turn Dukeinto one of the mindlesscobra zombies that he's got going on here.And you find out the baroness has been a cobra zombiethe whole time.Oh, shit.
01:13:47Yeah, that's why she's crooked.She's crooked against her own will.Because he's like, who are?For some reason, he's like, who are you to this doctor?I wouldn't ask that.I'd be like, oh, you're a gross old dude or something.But he pulls up, he's like, you want to know who I am?And he's not doing exactly the cobra commander voice.
01:14:03it's a little different.It gets more Cobra Commanderywhen he gets the fucking dumb maskat the end of the movie.He's like, you want to know who I am?It's me, Rex.And he takes his mask off.He looks disgusting.
01:14:14He pulls the wig off,which is hilarious.Like, why even have the wig?Yeah.You just have to have confidence in yourself, man.Exactly.Also, if you're going to have a wig,how about something that's not a bad Halloween costume?
01:14:27Yeah.Like something you spentmore than $5 on at Party City.It looks terrible.This wig looks terrible.How big of a budget do you think I have?It's November 1st, and we're going to Party City.Time to buy a week, a year's worth of wigs.
01:14:48Halloween discount time.Destro, look at this.I could be Freddie Kruger this year.Do you see this sea lab?It's like minnesota size.Yes, no, and I cannot...No, I'm not going to buy a beetle juice wig.That's too expensive.
01:15:03I'm going to buy the off-brand one, surly ghost.The surly ghost costume.Think about it, surly ghost, surly ghost, surly ghost.Now I'm here.Now I'm the surly ghost with the most.Yes, it's me off-brand Beatles guys.And I'm not, no, no Jason Vohy's.It's New Jersey Killer Man.
01:15:32Hockey,mask style.As opposed to the other New Jersey killer manthat is not hockey style.That's just a generic New Jersey guy.It's got a track suit.Forget about this pinhead costume.It's me, Spikey Face.
01:15:52Discount Halloween monsters.Someone say my name of I'm G.I. Spikey face.That's because I'm awesome in volleyballand I'll spike you right in your face.not Freddie Krugerthe pizza with the cheeseslid off faceso they launched
01:16:12these fucking missiles manit's these the missiles that havethese warheads in them they're bound for threecitiesWashington DC Beijing and a third oneand Moscowwe wanted to save Moscowand not only that
01:16:26that's the one that gets shot downfirst it's like yeah yeah let thatWashington DC nuclear weaponsstay in thea little longer. Let's get Moscow's weapon down first. And there's some like giant G. Ijosubmarine floating around, which leads to what I think is one of the best slash dumbest lines ofthe movie. Oh, please. When Dennis Quaid just yells out, deploy the sharks. Oh, yes. I laugh.And all these like submarine planes fly out. And that's what is weird. Like a lot of this final underwater
01:17:02sequence or whateveris just that battlefrom Aquamanyeah yeahif done worseif doneyeahmuch less colorful and cool
01:17:11yeahit's all this muddyand nonsensicaland yeah likeChanning Tatumlike is reallyupset becauselike also it's really
01:17:19here's the thingyou want to be an evildoctor likeleave your sisterout of itwe do get an awesomeflashbackto Channing Tatum
01:17:26going toJustin Quid Levitt'sfunerala lot of fuckingmotorcyclekind of breezesin and outfirst of all
01:17:32don't come to my funeraland motorcycle. Second of all, you know what? No motorcyclesallowed to my funeral. That's it.Really? You're putting down laws about your funeral?Yeah, that's right. Just recently you saidlike, don't go to my funeral at all?Well, first of all, don't go specifically if you're going to ridea motorcycle to it. Here's the thing.
01:17:49Don't try to get laid at my funeral.If you're going to go to my funeral, don't try to get laidat my funeral. You're dead.Dude, life goes on. We're getting laid at your funeral.If you must...Why else am I going?If you must ride a motorcycle do a funeral,do us all of favor and show up on time.
01:18:06That's the other thing, dude.He's responsible for this guy's supposed death.And he shows up on a motorcycle when it's almost over.He shows up at the 21 gun salute.And I got a question about this.So Rex supposedly dies.Yeah.So does he just not even talk to Anna again?
01:18:25He's just like, well, she's not going to marry me because he died.He just goes.We're a fucking idiot.Yeah.Real American hero, my foot.Yeah, like...What a coward.I don't think I'm a super villain
01:18:37if someone did that shit to me.I'd be like, yeah, I'm dying my hair blackand I'm wearing leather all the timeand I'm a fucking weirdo.Yes, exactly.But it's like, what, you know,she can understand that you weren't there to save himbecause he had this other separate mission to do.
01:18:50She may be like someone to talk to about it, possibly.And it's fucking so stupid.There's a ridiculous shot right around herewhere like JGL's like giving that whole thinglike, you weren't there for her or whatever.And it cuts.to this totally unnecessary shotof Sienna Miller like inner underwear
01:19:06crying in a bed and you're likeI get it movieagain way to pull a SummersStephen Summers you know who was therefor her she bumped into abaron at the food courtwell what's weird islike when it's revealed that JGL
01:19:25is Rexright I was confusedbecause is she supposed to alreadyknow? No because there'sno reaction. She's mind controlled.She has no ideathat Rex is Cobra.Yes. Right, but like even when that whole
01:19:40thing is like cleared,it's never, there's no like...I think she wants to kill him at that point is the idea.She does want to kill. Okay.So she does, she gets in the know.Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's really mad about the last like seven yearsall the murder and all this stuff. And also likebeing kind of like weirdly given to Christopher Eccleston because like...
01:19:59Yeah. Here's the thing. It's like this thingwhere it's like, oh, she's beingmind control and yeah maybe she has to likefuck the baron for evil needsbut then it's like oh this is my best budChristopher Eccleson he's going to have sexwith you now like ew manAnd then meanwhile if I could Rex
01:20:14Yeah that's theWeirdest thing about that fucking underwear scene is likeIt's suggested that he likePut like chloroformed herAnd kidnapped her oh I forgot about thatYeah that's how that shot ends is her beingLike okay buddyMaybe you deserved all that shit
01:20:32Yeah, this dude's a pervert, man.Him and Dr. Mindbender.So, yeah, we deploy the sharks.There's this whole fucking chase or whatever.At the same time, all this is going on,Jonathan Price, as the president is put in a bunker,there's a crooked secret service agent,and he kills all the other secret service agents in the bunker,
01:20:52and he's like, oh, it's done.You see he's got the little cobra scar on his neck.And this is the stupidest, like,someone walks in, you don't see who it is,and Jonathan Price, like, reacts in horror.Meanwhile, the last time we've seen Arnold Voslu,he's getting this fucking facial reconstructive surgeryand mentions like, oh, I've spent months
01:21:11practicing his body language and whatever.He gets injected with like a thousand thingsand he gets all shoved in thereand he starts getting like,and he starts looking older.And that's when I thought he was going to turn into Dennis grade,but unfortunately, I guess he's turning into Jonathan Price.It's specifically like white hair.
01:21:27And like Jonathan Price's fucking line in the sceneis literally like,Oh, so that's the twist.Like almost literally says,oh, so that's the twist.Oh, what a twist.I kind of like being,like Voslu's like really like,
01:21:40it's like he's turning into a werewolfJonathan Price kind of.Oh, that would be cool.As a werewolf, Jonathan Price.We miscalculated.So,Cobra Commander and,I don't even know how it happens.
01:21:55Oh,Destro or Christopher Vecson's got likea flamethrower.He's going to shoot it at Duke.It gets reverberated and melts his whole fucking face off.Yeah, totally.Not bad.And then Cobra Commander grabs him and they go in their own submarine.
01:22:10He's like, oh, while we're here, I've always had this cool idea for a suit for you.And he puts out this silver mask that like it's nanite to get it like bonds to his face.No, he just injects it.Oh, that's right.He injects him with nanobots or whatever.Yeah.And his face turns into a similar looking.because Christopher Ecclinson's character
01:22:32has kept the face maskfrom the very beginning of the movieand when that wholeunderwater station goes to shit we seethat mask like floating away at the bottomof the ocean so yeahCobra Commander makes his faceturn into that basically
01:22:48it looks like shit it looks verylet me bring out my new agentsnow job to finish you offhe looks like fucking the thumbwars and stuff you know thewhat was that the thumb movies we keep talking aboutSteve Odekerks, thumb mouth.Yeah, he's got like the fucking, like, teeth on this, like, unnatural object.
01:23:07It looks so bad.It's like son of the mask level, like, CGI to.The best of those was Thumbist Gump.Is that a fact?Is that a real one?Then I met the thumb president.Again.Something jumped up and bit my thumb butt.
01:23:27I got dumb genitals.I mean, you would have to.do, right? I've got a thumb pee.Did someone call me a GIthumb genitals?ThenThumb Jenny made friendswith a bunch of thumb black panthers.
01:23:44So thenDuke is chasing themand this is when Sienna Miller's like, let's get thosefuckers kind of a thing. Totally.I've been like both physically and mentallyraped for like, I don't know, six years.Yep. Maybe I could have someagency in this. We're like, yeah, shut up.
01:24:00Yeah, yeah.Yeah, yeah. Well, she at one point is, like, running a gun turret and then isn't anymore.Yeah, she runs out of bullets or something.Well, it's a Star Wars thing. Like, she's doing, like, Luke in the, like, literally the chair turns like that, too.But the problem with this movie is it, like, it sets up to do shit like that, then just forgets to follow through with any...There's also, like, 12 different characters you have to pay attention to at any given time, so nothing actually has any weight to it.Did we even finish the thread about, like, Ripcourt is shooting down these nano bombs?This is, I mean, it's happening concurrently.
01:24:32What's happening now is happening now?That's right.Because he saves D.C. right about here.Marlon Wayans does have a funny line, though, because he gets the missile or whatever, and he brings it up into the atmosphere.It's being eaten by nanobytes.Yeah, there's like planes going up with the nanobytes and it explodes, but he ejects in time, and he lands on the White House lawn.And he's got a good line there.He goes like, oh, I'm getting arrested again.
01:24:55Yeah.I had a legitimate laugh during G.I. Joe.There's this thing where.For some, I mean, it's useless, but the whole movie's useless, where, um, uh, uh, the, he has to useGaelic words to fire the guns or some, yes, Celtic, Celtic words, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just likewhatever, man, T-Han. Yeah, it's like, how about another movie? You know what? That's an idea foranother movie. That's something fitting for a James Bond film. Yeah, honestly. Yeah.This movie, it's fucking G. G. I. Joe, you push the red button, please. Exactly.
01:25:29So also back in the fucking bait, like the Storm Shadow and fucking Snake Eyes are literally doing the Luke and Anakin fight.Oh, big time.On the little, like, exactly the little platform.There's a lot of force lightning flying around also.Not for nothing.Storm Shadow dies.Snake Eyes wins.He appears to die.
01:25:50Wait, what?He's back in the next second one.Fuck you.And his, he just got summers.If his weird little lips can smile.he would. Or maybe they would be frownedand maybe he's sad, I can't tell him. He killed his brotherwith those weird little lips.
01:26:05He starts eating ribs and it gets all over.Dude, I would love to seethose little fucking grossmannequin lips that just got barbecuesauce all over. Right after his brother like hitsthe water he just pulls out this weirdpaper bag on ribs.He's pulling out sloppy ribs.
01:26:23That's, yeah, that's his only line. These are actuallyriblets. There's two thingsthat snake guys love is dude. Swordand sloppy ribs.Snake guys, did you call me? I'm G.I. Riblet.And then what's so fucking dumb is like we have the birth of Destro.We have the birth of Cobra Commander.And they're both immediately arrested.
01:26:44Well, it's this thing where like he's like, you're under arrest.And he's like, yeah, by who?Or it's like, you and whose army?And he's like, this army.And then it's all these guys.I'm like, hey, don't say that.I think they're in a laser cellIt takes
01:27:02It's so quickIt's like that part inBatman and RobinWhen likeThe first time Mr. Freeze is arrestedAnd like George ClooneyJust puts his cape over the cameraLike you see
01:27:13You see Arnold Schwarzenegger in handcuffsLike what the fuck happened?Yeah it's yeahIt is just a fucking Star Wars wipeAnd they're just in jailAnd the fucking doors close on themAnd it's like an underground prisonIt's like a minority report
01:27:27Like typelike mixed with the, where they put,um,B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B.Oh, it's kind of a magneto deal.Destra's like, do you have like plastic surgeons here?Oh, you know, how about you kill me?How about you just shoot me in the heart and kill me?
01:27:41Shoot me right in the heed.That'd be really cool of like Destra hung himself in prison.Of course.A, you're in prison forever, B, you have a metal face.Yeah, no, I'd commit suicide.I would love a metal face.Oh, really?I really don't like faces or having one.
01:27:54Well, see, if you give me a cool Dr. Doom Mask, maybe,but this like weird jelly gross thing that he's got on his head, I don't know.it's like metal jelly it's silver jelly yeah it's disgusting what a silver jelly had i woulddoctor do mask you could talk you know i mean i would prefer a mask for sure but i would take silverjelly i just yeah so the joes are called on another mission like almost immediatelydennis quaid is out of this wheelchair hey do you want to know what that mission was what's thatit's operation mongoose oh shit you know why why's that because mongoose eat snakesOh, yeah, dude, think about it.
01:28:34Steven Summers.I just got Summersed myself.That's fucking genius.Crazy, man.Operation Ricky, tiki, toffy.Now we're thinking.Now, it feels like we were talking about this movie forever and not at all.Yeah.
01:28:50Which is like, did we talk about this movie?Well, that's what watching the movie is also funny enough.Yeah.It's horrible.You will check your phone.Like, that is, if you want to put my, my quote on the back of this.box, it's you will check your phone.Dude, that's why I was coming at you guys with so much
01:29:06Tribune. Trivia. I was readingevery word of that page.I love that thing in the interview aboutChanning Tatum telling Howard Stern how much he fuckinghates this movie.Really? It was right in the middle of like athree picture contract he had with Paramountand like he's there like he was like
01:29:22I don't want to do this. Can I get out of there?Like no. Says like thisbattleship. Is he in battleship? No, I think that'sTaylor Kitch. Oh, you're right. That is TaylorBut Chan and Tannenes the ship.He voices the ship.Toot, Toot, guys. Get in.Toot, Toot.
01:29:39Rihanna, get off me.Rihanna, get off me.I have not seen Battleship as in this recording.Oh, I saw that in theaters.Well, that was also.Battleship also was trying to cash out on the Transformers buzz.Yeah, it definitely was.So much like there's fucking like shape-shifting aliens in that movie.
01:29:55Whatever that movie.That's a board game, right?Yes.Yeah.Do Monopoly already.Let's do.monopoly. That's true.That is true.
01:30:05And then we see the littlebutton you're not going to believe this at the end of the movieis Jonathan Price is out of the bunkerand his staff's like, oh, welcome back, Mr. President. He goesin the Oval Office and closes the doorand whistles the same tune that we hearArnold Voslu whistling at the beginning.It's where he's a jolly good fellow, I believe.
01:30:23Yes. Yeah. It's great.Hey, great. Hey, great.It becomes, and that like becomesthe biggest part of the sequel.Whistling? No, well, him. No, Jonathan Price, thesecret president, Arnold.Well, the sequel has theCobra banners fly down from the White House,
01:30:41which ironically is what the White House looks like now.I would prefer it. I loveall hail Cobra Commanderand Serpentor.Yeah. Hail hydra.Wait, we're not doing hydra anymore. Okay, hailCobra. Whatever,whatever nastardly organization.
01:30:58Tell me who I'm hailingthis week. Look, Stephen Miller.I just need to inject you with some nanobytesAnd then you will be my distroHe would fucking love it tooHe would love itHe would fucking love itBecause then he'd be the only silver person on the planet
01:31:14And it'd be a race all his ownYeahYour G.I. Joe name is Stephen MillerYeah, I hate that guyOh, okayBut it just sounds like your name is Stephen MillerNo, no, no, I hate that guySo that's my nickname is Stephen Miller
01:31:27And you, Steve Bannon,Will be G.I. Fart Strömthat is the end of G.I. Joe, Rise of the Cobra. Would anybody recommend it?Not for a hot second, dude. It is a slog to get through. It's two hours. I would say it's just two hours.Oh, by the way, the end of this movie, cut to credits, cut to a black-eyed peas song.Yep. And that's the... Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, it's that one, which I have...You're so 2000 and late.Yeah.
01:31:58You say that's favorite song.And this movie isn't...Exactly 2,000 and late.Because it came out of a year later.Because you're 3,000 and 8?Yes, exactly.No, it's a disaster.It's not good.
01:32:10It's awful.I could see an argument if it's a real bad one for a hangover movie just because if you don't pay attention to it, don't listen to anything that's being said.But I also think it fails in almost everything that it's trying to do.So I'd say no.Yeah, it's top to bottom awful.Like, I wish I could have anything to hold on to a life raft.Maybe one actor's performance, something.Yeah, I'm a life raft.
01:32:36What do you need?I actually don't save anybody.It's an ironic moniker.It was just lost at sea.I thought that was obvious, but whatever.Yeah, no, it's trash.Top to bottom.Top to bottom.
01:32:53I wouldn't even say hangover because, like, this,you just can't even, you can't even,you can't, there's nothing to gleam onto.Yeah. Unlike a life ref, there is nothing to hold on to here. It is, like Eric said, top to bottom, a failure. I think that Paris chase scene is fine, but that's five minutes of a two-hour movie. And I got to tell you, I don't think it's a hangover movie either because I remember watching the start of this, that sequence where they first get ransacked at the beginning when they're trying to transport these warheads or whatever. I don't know anybody's fucking name, but everybody's screaming something. You can't follow any.anything. And my head just started hurtingright there. And that's when I was like, well,if you were watching this with a hangover, you'd probablyjust like throw up. No, it's just too
01:33:39obnoxious to be a hangover movie. I mean,for me anyway, it's just, and alsolike I don't, I would actually be curious. I don't thinkanyone liked this. It's going to be made money, butlike, did G.I. Joe diehards?Because that's what this movie does. It's like chum to diehard. It's like, oh, there'sheavy duty, there's
01:33:55ripboard. Oh, it's like the Transformers movies.Like, here's the Star-Sream, here'stape deck, here's whatever the fuck. But they don'tDo it enough.Like, there's like six or seven of them.I'm like, this is a team.If you look at the Wikipedia fucking list of names that have been in the canon of G.I. Joe,it goes on like a Bible.
01:34:13It goes on forever.Where the hell was Cum Shot?Exactly.Come shot.Oh, yeah.Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.And ripcord begat.Time code and time code begat heavy duty.
01:34:27And roadblock walked alone.At some point in the late 80s, they even had a character.whose speciality was survivalist.Sure.Just like being able tobuild a fucking bunker in the woods.And that little GI dro grew up to be Ted Kaczynski.Yeah, I'm email because I fucking hate it so much.
01:34:50Ted, recycling is fake is not going to fiton your G.I. Joe outfit.That is G.I. Joe, the rise of Cobra,directed by Steven.Summers and we in this room todayGot Summersed. If youwant more We Hate Movies, check out patreon.comslash we hate movies.
01:35:10I got a lot of bonusshit up there this month. What's that bonusfull-length app? Well, the KingsmanHis Secret Service, which is actuallya lot of fun. Wehave a ball with that one, I gottasay. We already recorded it.Oh yeah. We did a Gleap Glosser with Grito
01:35:25very recently. Very recently.We haven't selected thenext one for this month yet, butBut there's still so much going on.Days worth of content.So much.We got commentary tracks on the Twilight movies, Commando, so many things.And we're doing some fun stuff on the page now where you can, like, vote for stuff.
01:35:45We're doing a lot of cool stuff on that Patreon page.We're trying to get more interactive with you, the patrons, who are amazing people.And also check out the Nexus is our Star Trek podcast.Totally.That goes along with the same level as Gleep Glossary, where we talk.Star Wars and the commentary tracks.And we created a character for that named Farty, who is Scotty's cousin.That's all I'm going to say, you want to listen to that bit.
01:36:10You want to listen to that bit.But this was just the start of the summer blockbuster excravaganza, extravaganza.Excrement.Or excrappaganza, whatever.Excrapaganda.But Steve Sadek, where is this train going next week?week. This train is stayingon the Summers track because
01:36:35in the Summers ofsummer, it's, we're doing deeprising. Oh, fuck.With a special guest, JamelBowie of the New York Times will be here.That's right. That is right. Sountil next week, when thesummers, summers, oh, here
01:36:51we go. Summer's slam.Oh, I like Summer's slam.Also, maybe on Patreon we should doMark Summers unwrapped.Remember that, like that candy guy? He was like aNickelode.guy.Yeah, he was a double dare.
01:37:03What are you fucking crazy?So I was right.Some game show.He told people to pick the big nose.Yeah, he's weird.So until next week, when Summer's Slam continues, I'm Andrew Jupin.Stephen Sadeh.Chris Kavan.
01:37:17Eric Siska.Take it easy.That was a HeadGum podcast.
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