We Hate Movies - S9 Ep424: Episode 424 - G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Episode Date: June 4, 2019

This week on the program, the gang kicks off the 2019 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza by chatting about the absolutely ridiculous and D.O.A. action movie adaptation, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra! What's with Cobra Commander's wig? Why did we need all these origin stories? And how much of this movie is Dennis Quaid sitting down? PLUS: Paul Giamatti stars in BearCity 3: The Divorce! G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra stars Dennis Quaid, Marlon Wayans, Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Sienna Miller, Kevin J. O'Connor, Ray Park, Gerald Okamura, Jonathan Pryce, Byung-Hun Lee, Saïd Taghmaoui, and Arnold Vosloo; directed by Stephen Sommers. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, good luck keeping track of all these stupid names. It's G.I. Joe, The Rise of Cobra. I'm Andrew Juppin. Steven Sadak. Storm Cabin. Siska Commander. And we hate movies. I should have done one.

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always, and welcome to the start of the 2019 summer blockbuster extravaganza. Take those pants off. It's summer. Start jerking it. No, no, no. And put those shorts on because it's summertime.

What about Jorts? Can I keep my Jords on? You can jerk off in Jorts? I have. And I will again. I do it carefully though. God stop me before I jerk off in Jorts again. That's right.

We are kicking things off with the G.I. Joe, colon, the Rise of Cobra from 2009, directed by mummy enthusiast Stephen Summers. Is it G.I. Jerk Rise of Come. Come on. That's terrible. What are you doing? I just had to do it. You know what? I like it. Yeah, I know you would.

Fucking degenerate couch over there. If you like unfocus your eyes a little bit, you would swear this movie came out in 2004. Like it does not feel like 2009. It feels like, 2000, fucking four. Especially with the fucking computer effects that we're working with in this movie.

Forget it. Well, the sell-by date for Stephen Somer. was 1999. You had to happen before then, or if not, like, the mummy was it. That was the peak of his career to me. Was he also Van Helsing? You was. That was also a piece of shit.

That is terrible. That was aught for, though. And that's on our Patreon feed there, by the way. That's correct. And this actually reminded me of the film The Kingsman, which we just did on our Patreon feed, which dropping this month as well. Right. The rise of the Kingsman, whatever the hell that's stupid movies.

The rise of, not the golden egg. No, his secret service. His secret service. The first of the one of them there. His, not her majesty's. Ew. But because, like, the question is, like, what age range is this for? Is this for babies or is this for, like, some of this was...

It's not for babies, though. It's very violent for babies. Exactly. American babies are very violent. American baby. Wasn't that a Dave Matthews song? Yeah, what? American baby.

It's not more of a, like, a Blake. Shelton, baby. You're on American, Mary American people. That is right on the money, man. That guy was, I never liked Dave Matthews, but that, you know, I dabbled, man. Most people do like him.

I dabbled quite a bit. Great musicianship. Some of the best live shows I've ever seen in my life. It's true. It's very good life. This is like 13 to 16 year old. I feel specifically. Now, okay, now we got to start at the beginning.

G.I. Joe was these, like, little action figures. Yes. Which are made for babies. Made for babies. And they glamorize war. Yes. The military as well.

United States. Specifically. Yeah, just like the NFL. 1980s. And they're both great. They're both fantastic. Peace time warriors. These guys.

Well, that's the weird thing about the G.I. Joe. First, just to stop some tweets. They were like action. There were dolls, like Barbie dolls. Yeah, big ass dolls. Like the 60s, I want to say. 64, I think, is when the thing happened. And there was just like a G.I. Joe, whatever.

And then the 80s, they revamped it. That's what the little figures came in. Right, you're three-inchers. There's comic books floating around somewhere and all this mess. The huge cartoon series. But Eric's right, though. They were peacetime warriors. I think it's really weird to have a G.I. Joe series anywhere after 9-11.

When we have three to five active wars going on. And we mentioned that some of these soon-to-be Joes served in a night. Afghanistan. Nope. Get it out. Get it out of here. And it's like G.I. Joe

existed in a time where it's like the Cold War's going on, but we're not outright engaging the Soviet Union. So G.I.

Joe has a proxy war with Cobra. I personally assume is bankrupt by the Soviet Union. Oh, without a doubt.

Makes sense. Without a fucking doubt, dude. It's like, yes, Commander Gorbachev. Yes, we will. You know,

Gorbachev, that's why I have a helmet on. I, too, have a whine stain on my forehead. Well, Duke, I need you to go out there, and I need you to get one for the Gipper. That Cobra Commander's a Ruski, son of a bitch.

I can smell it from here. I can smell the pierogies on his breath, Mommy. Go get him, Hawk, Mommy. I hear that. Yes, sir. This is Hawk Mommy talking. Hawk Mommy reporting for duty. It's me, Hawk, Mommy.

I'm just glad that the piece of shit Carter's out of here. This is the GI Joe The Rise of the Cobra This is what do you call it there It's like the first of a franchise kind of sort I mean the G.I. Joe, they're out. It is, right? I'll tell you what, though.

Big mistake on this movie here is Stephen Summers and whoever wrote it. I'm not going to look it up. But garbage people. Let's just pretend for a second that the people going to see this movie know about G.I. Joe's. And maybe, just maybe,

we can start with everybody being in place places everyone places GI Joe Cobra Commander you're already fucking Cobra Commander yeah yeah you know like Destro you're already fucking Destro dude this origin story horse hockey The thing you definitely want

is to start your GI Joe movie with the lines Jamie McCullin you Scottish pig dude let me tell you bad 1640 fucking one move Stephen Somers starting your G.I. Joe movie in 17th century friend I paused the Amazon file.

I'm like, are we sure or we're supposed to be? I was concerned. I was like, what did I just rent? Yo, Bezos, you fuck up that file? I'm fixing it. I'm fixing it. The madness of King George or something. Dude, it's like the first five minutes of this movie is the man in the iron mask and fucking get bent, dude.

Wait, I thought Mel Gibson was in Braveheart. What the fuck is going on here? And it's like this guy who is selling what is this Scottish guy? Selling to both sides. Selling to both sides. They're putting this molten mask on his face. And here's my question, do you gentlemen here? Sure.

Yes. Do you want to go into that situation, shaved or not shaved? Oh, does it matter? It's all burning. I'm going to die. I don't know. Here's what. Would you want a firm fit?

Because this guy's floppy hair is kind of everywhere, too. I'll tell you what the answer is. It's shaved because. this way it's only one bad smell just burnt flesh otherwise it's burnt flesh and then too burnt hair

that's a bad smell but burning anything is temporary that smell will fade in time and I say slap it on my face no matter what I got going on I don't know

my glasses sometimes if I have longer hair sometimes like a little strand will get caught in my arm I'm like oh I want to minimize that but it's all burning off instantly

yeah that's true yeah Oh, your head of hair is gone. I mean, I think your eyes pop like grapes. Don't like a molten mask. Yeah, that fucking puts on anything you'd survive. Also, you don't have glasses in 1641. I think they'd burn you at the stake for that. He's wearing witch goggles.

Would they take my glasses off or no? Would they put it on over there? Oh, they'd leave them on so then the heat would break the glass into your eyeballs and then also blind you? That's double trouble. What if it, like, perfectly mold so you always have your lenses? there, that'd be kind of nice, right? And then you cut to Christopher Eccleston

who's like, well, that was a waste of time. Anyway, G.I. Joe, Rise of the Cobra. And what this movie again, man, Stephen Summers, another fucking douche chill for you, buddy. The fucking text that brings us into the present day in the not too distant

future. You cannot use that. Movie sign, guys. We got movie sign. I could not believe that that text came up in the not too distant future. I will say also like here and this

speaking of a Kingsman I don't like the first of you know my sequel legislations etc. I don't think the first of a franchise should have a colon on it it should be G.I. Joe the Kingsman because then when you put the colon I'm like did I miss the first

one like sure and when I was trying to rent this I'm like which one are we doing is it right? I agree with that yeah but like are they counting the fucking animated movie? Well you shouldn't I mean G.I. Joe the movie Hey, guess what you should? Well, no, but Stephen Summers, he's, you know, empty brain.

Also, in your legislation, Steve, you probably should count the animated, right? I don't know when you're mixed media is like that, pal. Really? Yeah, that's tough. So it's like animated. So you got to do like G.I. Joe 1 parentheses animated. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's why like when you're doing like on the grand scale of Star Wars, that fucking heinous clone Wars movie doesn't count. Senator, Senator. I wish she didn't count. I believe you counted Mask of the Fantasm in your Batman. Oh, all right. Oh, fuck. Now we're going to move to impeach.

Somebody better. This is one McConnell will sign off on. Yeah, that's fine. Go ahead and do it. Now, Mask of the Fantasms takes place in the Fantasm universe. It's like balls. Batman fighting a fucking old, tall guy. Wow.

I might check it out now. Yeah, look out for them orbs, dude. Yo, Batman, look out for them orbs, dude. So Christopher Eccleson is going to be Destro by, fucking minute 400 of this movie is giving his speech at the United Nations about this new thing he's got which are nanites which are like little robot

I thought it was NATO it's NATO I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention I was drunk the whole time and it's him and he's given this speech and Dennis Quaid as General Hawk is just in attendance yep just there just sitting hanging back dude

just seeing what's up With the character that I don't think they really give It's listed in the cast But I don't think they ever say it Cover Girl Yes, she's one of the Joe's man That's right, she gets... A model that finds her higher calling

Being a G.I. Joe. And then gets fucking unceremoniously murdered in this movie. I was thinking of Buzzsaw cover girl. How about Lacerate? Cover girl. You know, my problem with the casting all around in this movie

just compared to the cartoon, not enough bears. Yeah. That cartoon, they are all drawn like the most handsome bears you've ever seen. Let a mustache to be found

in this film. What the fuck are we doing? Hairy beef cakes. Exactly. I don't need this baby Channing Tatum shit. No. He's fucking shave like a seal. It's disgusting.

He's unpalatable. Get the cast of Bear City and or Bear City 2, the proposal into G. Pause. What? Those are romantic comedies about people. Oh, is that right?

Yeah. Wait, Bear, Bear, Bears, Two? What, Bear City, too? Bear City, too, the legend of Curly's Gold. Bear City, Two, Rise of the Cobra. No, Bear City, too. No, retaliation. Bear City, too, the proposal.

Okay, now, and what network was this? No, those are movies. I mean, those are, like, I mean, they're probably direct to streaming more than, Maybe they played out the quad, like television. That's not on the religious channel. Yeah, exactly. They're both, uh, uh, uh, yeah.

One of perfect Duke, Jason Mamoa. Yeah, that's it. Get the man in there. Oh, that's, that's a furry guy I like. And that you can have him team up with fucking rock in the second one. And it makes more sense because two beef cakes. What's the deal with the rock? Can he grow a beard or what?

That's a great question. I bet you, Dwayne Johnson can grow some fantastic facial hair. Then I better see it, dude. Yeah. is he waiting for yeah you're right actually because he could do the thing where he's like the cue bald guy but then he's got the beard with the fucking baller did he have beard in uh hercules maybe maybe that was definitely the longest it's been i don't know if you would call you know what i'm googling the rock with a beard we're gonna see what's gonna happen thank you

while you do that i will vamp about hercules now i had saw that movie once and i remember it wasn't as bad doesn't he like kill a lion with his bare hands in that movie i think he killed stuff, yeah. I think a CGI lion. Well, yeah. Clearly. He murders a real line. Okay, Steve, you got that photo. I'm pretty tapped out here. Oh, dude, he's got a beard. Do you kidding me? Dude, look at this thing.

Look at that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at that, dude. That's a fond villain. No, he does not. Oh, man, I didn't even get cast at Bear City to the proposal. Fingers crossed for Bear City 3, PG. The divorce.

yeah that's what I'd be in the divorce the one where the bears down on his fucking luck oh great so do I get to like hook up with it what I'm the divorce lawyer I can't even hook up with the bears wait a minute Bear City 3 the divorce

I'm literally a bear the bear breaks up with me in the first 10 minutes what is anybody in these Bear City no no I don't believe so just some randot Canadians Yeah, I think it's one of them. Fair enough. Fair enough.

So you recommend them? You recommend those movies? I've seen both of them. I don't remember either of them. Oh, nice. Yeah, man. So Christopher Eccleston, he's describing very, it's like your go-to-sci-fi technology when you just need a bullshit excuse for anything, nanotechnology, these nanomites that he's making. Christopher Eccleston, when you need a go-to villain to do anything in a movie. I fucking love him, though, dude. I do, too. I really do, too. but he just does anytime he's in a big budget movie my eyebrows go up better stir clear of that one yeah he's crooked the best doctor who i'll say it i like him a lot he's one season but he's great he was the only he was the only doctor who he was the only doctor who i could

stomach i like i'm a tenant guy for the most part i like some tenant you guys are watching doctor who i watched that first season with ecliston and then i didn't know that was his only season and then i got into the tenant racket yeah i was like it's fine and i and i know listen dear audience. I know that the Hoovians are out there. You beloved, you know. And they will come for you. It's a beloved program is what I'm trying to say. It's just, it's not for me.

There was some stuff in the tenant world that I did like quite a bit. I just never had the energy to keep up with it. But Chris Ecclinson is fucking awesome as the doctor. I'll only do it when it's like BBC, which BBC America does quite often where it's like 29 hours of Doctor Who and it's just like five

episodes out of nowhere. You know what I mean? Like I'll just, I'll watch like three episodes at once. and be like, oh, that was fun, and then move on with my life. Because some of it's, like, some really dark, crazy sci-fi shit, which is a lot of fun. And then it's like, here's a fucking alien dancing with a candy cane, and I don't give his shit. I kind of like that. Like, it's got that X-Files thing where some of them are just goofy. Like, my wife's a huge fan.

She went through the whole series, and I watched a lot of them, and I do kind of like that. It's like, let's just think of ideas. Yes. And we can fix tones. We can play around. Like, there's no set focus. She's even watched, like, those early seasons that were, like, directed, by Georges Miliers.

I know, I think she was. Dude, I love, I fucking love looking at old pictures of like original Doctor Who and he looks like fucking Thomas Edison in Vending a timeish. Some Mernow years. Yeah, that was great.

It is so fucking hilarious. Doctor Who and Jackie Gleeson. To the moon, Doctor Who? Well, yes. We're literally going to the fucking moon. Who's on first? well, that's actually a pretty abstract question if you want to think of the many versions

of this world. Here's my message for you, Andrew. When you've got the flu, watch Doctor Who. Like, if you're sick in bed and you're like, I just want like 10 hours of something to get me through through a season. Interesting. It rhymes. That could be like a recipe passed down

through the ages. Like, you're on your flu, watch Doctor Who. I'll dip back in them the next time I'm gravely ill. I've got very little who experience. It's pretty much none. Give that eclist in the season a shot, though, dude. It's fucking cool.

All right. So nanomites. Yes. This is the thing he's developed. It's little robot maggots. They're like nanobots. Yeah, little robot germs. Robot termites, I guess, because they eat things away.

Like, they eat metal away. It's very important. They can eat and disintegrate metal or whatever the shit is. And like, he's at NATO and he's like, this is amazing because it'll cause mass destruction. And everyone's like, yeah. Do it! And then they're transporting it, and this is we get introduced to Duke,

played by Channing Tatum. Ripcord by Marlon Wayans. Yes. And now I have to pause the conversation because there is a fucking a real turd of a BS on the IMDB Tribune Trivia Pings of this movie,

where this movie, some rocket scientist slash IMDB contributor decided to state that Marlon Wayans was given this role due to his performance in Requiem for a dream. Nine years earlier. What are you talking about? I would sooner believe that he got the role because of his role in Little Man. Yeah, exactly.

Just as easily believe it, and it's just as dramatically, like, functional. Because I think in both Little Man and this movie, he's being carried on someone's back. Yeah. But there is that scene when they, uh, They steal Scarlet's TV when him and Duke

steal a Starlet's TV bringing up the boardwalk and sell it for drug money. I did forget about that. Yeah. They are crippling heroin addicts. Remember a little man when the little man

gets his hand cut off? And Nick, it's a gold one. Replace it. Yeah, they're tasked with transporting to this maybe there's a safe house. Yeah, there's a convoy. They're transporting

these warheads. Right. And they're, They're, like, best buds forever. There's this thing where, like, Marlon Wayne's like, hey, man, I want to, we need to transfer to the Air Force. This is weird. And Duke is like, well, no, man, I want to be on the ground.

We got to stay in the fight on the ground. And I'm like, well, why don't you go to the Air Force and you stay on the ground? Yeah, hey, Marlon Wayne's, why don't you just dictate your own career. No, we're partners. That's it. That's that we're, I guess, cops that are military, but not MPs. No, no, no, not those. It's also bizarre, though, because it's like, Duke,

is totally shitting. I'm like the Air Force. Like, those men and women have important roles and things also. It's almost identical to the Harry Connick Jr.

Will Smith thing an Independence Day where he's like, I want to go to NASA and he's like, I never forget to NASA. Just stay here and fly things and I'm going to die soon.

I was surprised Marlon Wayne's makes it to this entire film, actually. I was pretty shocked. To tell you the truth, I was pretty shocked. I think one of the Joe

should have been eaten by nanomites. Yeah. You've got this huge cast And apparently in the next movie Because of contract reasons They killed everybody But like just kill like one or two of the Joe's Somebody doesn't make

Someone has a heroic end You know what I mean We just said that fucking cover girl dies Oh that's right yeah Is that her name? Yeah cover girl does die She does huge shit in this movie So they get ambushed by Cobra

Led by Sienna Miller Playing the Baroness Right Somebody man this is I mean half this movie is about Cosplay isn't it It's just like This is the character

character that I liked. This is an actress playing the character that I like. Well, you got the bad wigs for it. Oh, yeah, you do. I think Santa Miller's actually okay in this movie. She's wearing a bad wig this entire time. Well, if you think about it, like all of theater at its heart his cosplay. That's true.

It's true. Cossumes and a plate. You're being shockingly profound. Right? It's pretty good. Is that what happens at the end of that Kenneth Brono William Shakespeare movie that's out right now all is true

all is cause fucking flush that movie down the toilet that trailer I fell asleep that would did you was it nice sleep yeah I was a good dream I mean like I agree with you

but like they don't do enough of it yeah that's true doesn't get his fucking mask for the last 20 minutes butcher butcher cobra commander in multiple ways literally and figuratively yes Joseph Gordon 11th's got like this gas mask on and then towards the end of the movie

when he gets the face shield it's fucking soft Just give me a clear fucking face. Give me that mirrored fucking finish. Well, I think this one specifically is they're doing an Anakin Skywalker with the Darth Vader thing. That's his look in this one.

In the second one, there are many points better on the second one, retaliation. But the first one is they do the look perfect. The Coburner has a mirror. In retaliation? Yeah. Holy Toledo. They didn't want to do the cloaked helmet thing

that he sometimes wears with the isolates. Because they're like, that looks too clan-ish. Oh, like when he wore the bag over his head. It's a blue clan mask without the point at the top. Yeah. That's what it's always been. But the point is what really makes it a clan mask. It's the point of the colors.

Yeah, I mean, at that point, yeah. Yeah, and it's not like he's wearing red or white and blue. Maybe he's like the good clan. No, no such thing. It's the union clan. He's fighting for the union, but for some reason he's still raised. Yes. what I'm here is for better wages

and Medicare for all. Why is everyone looking? Yes, I'm dressed this way, but it's only because I'm disfigured. I'm going to put the cross on the yard, but I'm not going to burn it. I'm very religious. I love the Lord.

We should actually, I was I wanted to say this beginning, where does everyone rank with G.I. Joe in general? I think we've said that we've done a couple animation damnations on G.I. Joe and we've probably gotten through it. I never grew up with it. I had some of the toys in my house floating around.

I was always a little too young for it, I thought. I was going to say, those toys were probably there because you had an older brother. Yeah, it was just, you know, it was a fun thing to kind of look at, but I didn't really watch the show growing up. I didn't watch a show either, but I definitely had some of the figures.

Sure, yeah. Like, I remember liking just the size of them. Yeah, and you could bend them a lot. Yeah, I also think I was a little young for it. I think I watched some of it somewhere, but I was never that into it. I had one figure, which was this badass dude, like a musly man, right? They were all muslin.

And he had like a mustache, and he had like a, he had a weapon. And a hat on. Yeah, I think he had a hat. You had a kung fu grip. Now that you mentioned it, I think he had a hat. But he also had like this weapon that looked like a, like a weed whacker. And I was like, this guy's fucking cleaning up the yard. Was he a gardener, dude?

He might have been. Bear City 3, the gardener? Yeah, I never You know, crossed past with it I always knew what it was But I just never I never watched I never watched the cartoon Kind of became a memeish type of thing

In like the early 2000s When they were doing E bombs world had it That's the moon Oh you're totally right Yeah Although I will say another bit of history With the GIGO franchise

Steve do you recall When you and I tried to watch GIO retaliation? No, we tried to watch this movie We stopped it oh no I thought it was the second one was it this one because the colon probably fucked you up that's why no we tried to watch this when we stopped because of the

flashbacks I was bored to tears oh that's okay you're totally right so it was this one then yes I have seen that second one though because I remember being like horrified at like the first 10 minutes of that movie but I think so then yeah it was first of all it was a real fucking green out situation sure but it was like you know a movie's bad when you're greening out and you're bored yes And we were like, these flashbacks are stupid.

That sequel, which we will talk about eventually on this show. Oh, yeah. You get a huge upgrade from Stephen Summers to John Chu of Crazy Rich Asians. Much better director. Much clear sense of vision. Like, it's just a better movie. I just remember the fucking mountain fight in that movie. They're like fighting on the wall.

Really cool. Back to the not as good movie. So they get, it's an ambush. Cobra said they have this cool, like, cool, in quotation marks. It's an action figure plane that like zaps everybody. You could feel them selling the toy set already. And it's the Baroness, I think it's just her and a bunch of soldiers and all these soldiers

are wiping out Channing Tatum's team. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, Anna? Is that you, Anna? And then she like looks at him. Her special ability, by the way, is she has like super duper transition lenses kind of a thing?

Yeah. It's like transition lenses in the not too distant future. You can't forget that we're in the not too distant future. Where do you get those? I'm not telling you. Come on, I have bad eyesight. Are those lens crafters? I don't want to be walking around with two different glasses.

Look, I've been screwed over by Wabby Parker twice now. Walmart, is it Walmart? Look, I'll go to Walmart if I must. I ordered a giant, I ordered glasses, and they given me a giant lens I wear as a mask. I've just gotten used to it, but I originally went in for glasses. Nope, can't tell you. Sorry. These are very special. These are my power. So he's like, Anna is that used to? Everybody gets waxed.

The GI Joe's show up. Which Joe's show up here? Is it? Jeff. Heavy duty. Heavy duty. Scarlet. I think Breakers there. And Breakers there, yeah. Heavy duty is played by Adibisi from Oz. Oh, yes, that's right. Mr. Echo from Lost also. And Breaker is the dude.

We just saw him as the elder in John Wick 3. Oh, look at him. Yeah, there you go. He's been a ton of other stuff. And Scarlett is Rachel Nichols, who's just, you know, not ESPN's Rachel Nichols, but a different Rachel Nichols. No, but this Richard Nichols, she was on some, like, sort of big sci-fi show. Yes, yeah. That was one of those classic sci-fi channels. Canadian sci-fi lineups

I think that was continuing was one of those programs and they're like hey congratulations you were able to withstand that onslaught give us that case of stuff of nanites and we're introduced to

the first of several obnoxious holograms these things suck it's so you know what Stephen Summers this was stupid so many holograms here's General Hawk Dennis Quaid in the movie

he's there via hologram. This movie, it's like you're watching like a dude on the street with like the cup game. Yeah, and it's like try to guess which one the ball's under. This movie is like, try to guess which one's the fucking hologram.

And then they also have the audacity to drop it. So much of the first part of this movie is who's a hologram. And then the second half, it's like, forget it. There's no more hologram technology. Just put them on speakerphone. Stop this nonsense.

Just take out your little stupid smart Listen, I can't. No, no, you have to mute. If your dog is going to bark during the conference call, you've got to mute. Are you on mute? Oh, God, damn it. I'm trying to do my fucking cooking while I was doing this. Heavy duty's got some weird line somewhere around here where he's like,

don't make me shoot a woman. Yes, all right. Come on, heavy duty. You're a fucking Joe, man. Blow her away. Yeah, also, he's definitely shot. a woman. Don't be playing with me your secret Eric Prince fucking organization. Well that's a thing too is that's a good question

right like what is the legality of G.I. Joe's we don't know I mean well it's it's a thing where when we get there Dennis quid's like fine come along insurance and you know like that's it. And when they get there the one thing you do realize which is I'm sure ruffled many feathers in the jerk community what is that it's it's multi-national. It's not just an American thing anymore. Because G.I. Joe is a real

American hero. This is a, like, there's like, we don't, we don't answer to anybody. It's, you know, we've got France involved. We've got so and so. And so. Like his breakers from French Morocco or whatever. Oh, right, right, right, right. And of course, Atabesi is English. Yes. I always love when this actor gets to use his real accent

because he fucking sounds totally badass. Great accent. Oh, yeah. We forgot his other role as crock. Oh, he is killer crock. Oh, yeah, that's stunk. This is got about that. Adewel, Akanoi, Agbajee. I know I butcher that, but that's

the man's name. That's why I call him out of Bisi. I do my best, but I call him out of Bisi. And yeah, so we get to their underground in Sahara Desert. It's under the Sahara and Egypt. And I got to tell you, right

here, this is where I was like, what ear was this movie made? Because there was a shot of like the Joe plane flying over the desert and everything looks like a fucking Wolf and the Stein game. It looks at the fucking CGI right here is so bad. It looked better in Stephen Summers the mummy. That's my impression of one of the guards on Wolfenstein. Like we walk into the room and say,

I don't know if I've ever brought this up before, but do you guys just talk about Mine Fielo. Die are I playing him? That Hitler in a mecksuit, could you imagine? Speaking of Wofenstein, is anyone familiar with there was a Wulfenstein hack

back in the 90s, like a fan hack? Uh-huh. Wait, you can see this ding-dog? No, where you were... Mechanical ding-Ding-Dong? Which one? Wait, with Hitler's or BJs? Oh, yeah, both. You were still Wolfenstein, but...

all of the were wolf and stuff all the nazis were Beavis and Butthead what that sounds made up I'll read the code tomorrow no dude ask

ask my younger brother about this he will tell you we had this we had it was I can only assume that it was a hack sure

you'd call it a hack now right like a mod yeah a mod yeah a mod excuse me yes it was definitely a mod and it was Beavis and Budhead

running around and you fucking shot them to death. Wow. It was, I swear it was in Castle Wolfenstein. All the levels and everything were the exact same, but all the baddies were B was a mother. You know what? I'm putting it out to the internet. Tell me Andrew's not a liar. I think he's a liar right now, but there's enough people on the internet. Someone's going to have a screencast. If this doesn't exist, I may have been abducted by aliens and have some fucking implanted memories because I've

played the shit out of it. How's Mulder's daughter do? It was his sister and she's long dead. Oh, they fucking killed her, dude? She's dead, dude. Samantha's dead. The best Wolfenstein mod is when you could put Rosie O'Donnell instead of the Nazis. I played it all the time. First of all, I was very uncomfortable shooting Nazis in the first place.

So I was like, no thank you. But wait, we could change it into Rosie. Okay. It was called Pig Out. I don't like being the bad guy, so I didn't like shooting the Nazis. So, yeah, we're in. Here's a question. Do you think Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer would... Did you say Nazi Pelosi? I love Nazi. Oh, wait, Nancy?

Do you think that they would at least introduce legislation, though, allowed Trump not to be in a mechanical mech suit with Gatling guns? Do you think that they would at least... No. I guarantee you, if he loses or wins, he's coming out in a meck suit. Yeah, I'm not a crook, and you're not full of hell. Yeah, but he still has crippling hemorrhoids So that fucking mech suits Just kind of like trying to walk on the south lawn It's a fucking toilet, dude So he's like, yeah, I'm on a walking toilet

So what? And Pelosi and Schumer are like, well, you know what? Elections have to have consequences Now he's in a mech suit. That's it. This is my Pacific Rim robot. I call it money cash. That would make a better Pacific Rim Zeguel

than what we got. Speaking of, we get introduced to mexie. suits in this movie. That's pretty fucking stupid, huh? Oh, dude, it's fucking stupid. So, like, we, we learn about the G.I. Joe's. They're an international group of so-and-so's. I don't know who there is, who they're answering

to. Maybe NATO, maybe not. Seems they've run through NATO and the president. I think it's through the one world government. Oh, yeah. The G.I. Joe's, what I call it, crisis actors. Yeah, we're talking about fucking Alex Jones having a heart attack during Geo storm.

He would die watching this. Oh, for sure. And the real globalist heroes. First of all, they took a perfectly good game that, well, game, I mean, you know, the game of war, which is contained within G.I. Joe. Perfectly good cartoon that used to be able to jerk off to like an American. You see Baroness and you see those beefy cakes. And now we got, what is this, ring around the rosy with the world here? So many great characters like Snow Job aren't in this movie.

Oh, what's great? The snow job, my favorite, my favorite G.I. Joe, he was known for spitting it back in your mouth. Catch him in bed with a roadblock. Yes, that's why I have this face mask to avoid snow job. Let me add him, Duke. Let me add him. You know, I was just committed G.I. Joe, love driving my snowmobile around, shoveling driveways and next thing I know all these rumors got started about old snow job Duke I can get him I'm gonna need your help first though

not with my face mask oh man it's just dripping down the face mask that's why I had sold a windshield wiper oh nice you know that snow job just love skiing hiking the forest and winter you know what guys I just love Christmas where is all this coming from what he said common so yeah but they're like all right if you guys are going to be a GI Joe's

you're going to have to be trained in a matter of time question mark yeah big old question mark as to how long this training takes and you cannot forget I believe Dennis Quaid is the first one to fucking strike this match a couple of times in this movie we are definitely saying knowing his half the battle

oh my God you shut the fuck off you can make that stupid you can make that stupid joke once you really can at the end of the movie, just like it came at the end of the cartoon show. Well, they do that a lot with, like, I was watching old, like, advertisements for G.I. Joe's stuff. A lot of the little pieces of, like, the copy for those are scattered within the script. Well, they have Marlon Wayne's, first of all, speaking of, when he's in the plane, like, after, well, they're transporting him from the battle site to G.I. Joe headquarters, Scarlett gives him some morphine or something.

Right. She puts it right in his arm And he goes, that's the good shit And I'm like, oh, so he was cast for But then he's like, yeah, man, I got that kung fu grip And I've got, I got life-like hair Even to life-like hair He says it to Adabisi

Because he's high on whatever the fuck And he's like, oh man, you got that life-like hair And Adabizi grabs his arm He's like, ooh, and you got that kung-foo grip Stupid city Holy shit, dude So we cut back between that And we're, it's fucking

It's Christopher Eccleson on like a spaceship or, no, I'm sorry, he's in a submarine somewhere. Which you think for the entire scene is a plane until it's a submarine. And you think he's talking to be. Storm Shadow is here. This is, um, uh, just the other guy there. Oh, the other guy? Li, Biong Yo. Biong-Hun-Lee. Yeah. Is this the-al-and-it's the dude from, uh, fucking I saw the devil. If you have not seen I saw the devil, this man is, fucking awesome in that movie. It's this like Korean horror

movie slash like hitman movie. It fucking rules. He's also, he's been with that director a lot that Kim Jiwon because he also did a different life and then he came over here and I forget. He was in something really recently, something relatively bad. G. I. Joe. Well, yes.

Is he a guy dressed in white in this? Yes. Yes. Young Hunley, Storm Shadow. Who is now supposedly brother or raised with snake eyes? Is that the character's name? And he's a silent warrior with swords. And he was in the first scene too.

He was with Scarlet and those guys. And it's a pretty good like, you know, what we would have called there, like photrealistic to the character. It's good cosplay, except for the lips. What are we doing with this mouth? What are we doing with those lips? It's weird.

It's very weird. Oh, he's in red too, Cabin. Yes. All right. Now, back to lips. Now, where they just like, no lips? Was it just like a plastic sheet? I think he was like a ninja guy.

He was just a ninja there was a fucking ninja mask. And in the second one he doesn't have the lips anymore. Yeah, well that's I don't think Ray Park demanded those lips. He might have. Ray Park or a friend, uh, Darryl. Oh, is he portrayed? Yes, he is. Oh, wow. Yeah, he's snake eyes dude. Lip eyes. I just don't like somebody. They're for kissing, Steve. I feel like somebody, yeah, somebody drew like snake eyes in the perfect way and like, all right, this is to be the costume. And this is like,

Well, where are the lips? And everyone's like, wait, what? I mean, he's going to have lips. I mean, what are we doing? We're making G. I know, they talk about his, like, vow of silence, so I bet, like, it'll, you know, it'll make the vow of silence a little more profound

if you could see the lips that he's now using it. Like, you could see, he could probably use those lips, but he's not using those lips. It'd be great if he had a lip ring. I mean, if we're going to do it, let's do it. Bad Snake eyes. If he had a lip ring.

He'd be in a new metal band. I was going to say every, well, yeah, every time you saw him, it would have to be like maybe new metal or like, but on, but down, but now, but not enough of that kind of music in this movie. It should be riddled with it. Either that or Skinnered. Fucking pick away. Sorry, I'm a little sick and that got me.

That's all right. And so, yeah, Destro is like, all right, we need to. Destro? Destro, yeah. Isn't he just McCallon? McCallon. For now. He doesn't become Destro until the end.

That's true. Yeah, he wants Snow Job gets him. You know, again, guys, I'm a fan of hockey. I don't understand how all of a sudden all these things about me snowball and spunk. It's just me, snow job. I just live in Maine. That's just the whole thing. I'm like the out of doors.

Contrary to what you may have heard, I didn't spit so much spunk inside of Destro's mouth that have destroyed it. And they had to pump it out. That did not happen. And that's not why he's Destro. That's not what's on his face. Everybody thinks that's what's on his face. That is actual silver. By the way, again, another six-sad rumor about old snow job.

I don't even know how this one's related. But no, I've never had any ribs removed to suck my own penis. I think that was Ripcourt, who started that one. You know, guys, if I can, if I can just get in here really quick, if we're airing grievances, yes. This is Rimjob. I love basketball. That's all it is.

Rim job loves basketball. I don't go in the anus to do whatever everyone is saying all around the locker room. Rim job loves basketball and taking it to the hoop. I heard you were dunking with that tongue. No, it's basketball.

Rim job loves basketball. And I donkey punch. I just like punching donkeys. I'm doing a donkey punch. I'm a proud animal abuser. That's the toughest farmer you're talking to in the entire United States. That's why we had to draft him into G.I. Joe. And Joe Hawk, just be lucky.

Just be lucky. It's Hawk. I'm just called Comshot, which is C-O-M-E. Because when I show up, I'm here to shoot. I shoot the bad guys. I'm Com-Shod. Yeah, it's me. Favorite G.

Joe, right? Rusty trombone. And let me just tell you, it's because I'm a musician who has a very old instrument passed down from generations. Yeah, I'm Cleveland Steamer. And yes, I do enjoy

eating feces. That's how it's just gonna be, man. So whatever. He's like, you know, you have to go get these nanites tomorrow. The Baroness goes back to her castle. She's got like a husband.

It's a bunch of nonsense. What's this guy's name? marrying Cobretti This guy's like Cobre something This the Baron Because the Baroness is married To Baron de Cobre

Oh okay That's a fun Which is stupid Because this man is in no way Affiliated No he's a good guy I'm not a good guy But he's an innocent

Bystander for the most part He's just this innocent fucking Frenchman That gets butchered It's funny thing where he's like Where have you been for two weeks And she's like I've been out

And he's like Okay done deal we still have sex occasionally alright I'll see you later it's kind of an Anne Hathaway Italian con man wedding they've got going on there's the other way around

man some things you just never live down like being married to a con man and Storm Shadows like whatever he's around we meet Cobra Commander who's actually you find out all these Cobra soldiers because we're not saying Cobra at all this because

Cobra doesn't exist yet Well, it's the rise of Cobra. It's a Rex commander. We got to charm Cobra first. All of these cobra soldiers are, you know, actually mind controlled by him through these nanites and all this stuff. And this dude is just, he goes by the doctor. We get his whole flipping backstory throughout this movie. Don't even worry about it.

But this is Joseph Gordon Levitt. Yeah, it's kind of like a fucking Darth Vader without the helmet on situation here. He's got like a wig. which Darth Vader did not wear, sadly. Maybe he should have considered it. I think so, you know, right? Get those peepers out there, walk around. Totally.

See through his own eyes for a little bit because it's really just a breathing problem like Cobra Commander has. And yeah, he puts in those nanomites. My asthma. He puts in those nanomites into all these soldiers. And it takes away like their fear

and like he demonstrates that this one could be bitten by a king cobra. Oh. And like the fucking little robots in his bloodstream And like, get out of here, venom, pushes the venom out of his body. Oh, right, that's pretty dumb. That's the stupidest part because I'm like, oh, that's really impressive. Does it do it?

Like, if I get shot in the face, does it reconstruct my face? No. Okay. If it straddles you, does it make the airwaves come out? No, but it can turn your face into a rotten pumpkin, which is pretty cool. Yeah, there's some Halloween three shit at the end of this movie. I like it. And then rounding out the cast as.

Zartan is somebody's name I always get wrong so I'm going to go to the internet to let me know Arnold Voslou Arnold Voslou thank you How are you always fucking up Arnold Voslou? You could have just asked us Yeah I always say Voslou No it's Voslou

Yeah you just got to look at where the letters are Yeah you didn't have to put a gun to that kid's head and make him say it like that Yeah where did you get that little peasant child Get out of here This kid smells Why won't I go why can't you take me back to my mother just saying the name did.

Please, Papa Steven. No, who played the mummy? Who played the mummy? Arnold Baslu. So he was in the mommy, and he was also in those Darkman sequels. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Taking over the role for Liam Nees.

And he's in our favorite hard target, man. Oh, yeah. He's awesome. Fuck, I forgot about that. He's actually kind of awesome in this. Not enough Vaslu. Like, he's having fun, I think. Yeah, it's one of those, like, witty,

get a load of him in the sequel kind of thing. Like this movie secretly spends the entire time setting up the sequel which I don't appreciate. Tartan's like a shapeshifter or something. Well that's the Vassu is like master of disguise. His whole thing is to set up the twist.

Yeah. That's the whole point of his character. Like he kills a few people fine. Which the twist you see coming 45 minutes before the movie ends. Yes. Yes. Um, so we get this is, so they're introduced to these mech suits and shit. We get this training. Accelerator chute

Accelerator They can go faster and stronger and stuff That's what If you know If they made a live action Mega Man it would look like that And it would suck Yep totally

And then a bunch of people Would fucking bitch about it On the internet And then the director would apologize And say they were going back To the drawing board six months Before the movie came out I feel like these franchise movies

Are gonna end at Sepaku at some point Somewhere it's like well Or at least like somebody's Have to cut their finger off Yep totally You made Sonic have weird teeth Cut your finger off. I got to tell you,

I don't appreciate this back to the drawing board with Sonic the hedgehog. You made it, stand by it, fuck the internet. First of all, I wanted to see that bad movie. I still will see that bad movie.

But I also think it's a bad precedent. Just in general, I actually, it's one of those things where it's like, I don't care one way or another and I actually think it looked heinous and maybe they can make it look better,

but I would rather them not do it and set the precedent. Stop letting whiny piss babies fucking dictate what you're doing. Do you think that's going to fix it? You're going to take the teeth out and that's going to be the thing that's get it? They're going to rip Sonic's teeth out. Is it safe?

Is it safe? Sonic the hedgehog? The only thing they're going to do is make his head bigger. Yeah. Who gives a shit? Well, there's only so much you can do because all that footage exists. You got to like, yeah. I just put the movie out and let us make fun of it.

Please. Where so Oh no This montage of training And this is like We're bringing the fucking Stephen Summers All-Stars dude For no reason

The dude running the training In this movie is Brendan Fraser And like just have Brendan Fraser Be in this movie I don't get this Please When I saw him introduced I was like

All right They're rounding out the cast Okay Yep And it's just like And then like I'm like watching the movie And it's almost done

I'm like What happened to him? It's just to make you be like Hey you remember the mummy same guy well it makes really no sense because the fucking character

is supposed to be sergeant Slaughter is the guy who trains the Joes in the original show and at least if the Tribune trivia is to be believed Sargent Slaughter wanted to be in this movie and they couldn't like clear legal shit like come on man

if you can get the rest of these Joe's well Sarge Slaughter was this weird thing who existed in two worlds because like he was a cartoon character that also wrestled as a wrestler so like Vince McMahon had money in and Hasbro had money in it

so that's why it's like I feel like you gotta call him like Sergeant Payne or something and Brendan Fraser as Sergeant Payne no you get a Damon Wayans to be oh major right

man that movie fucking sucks I think it would be no less than a hundred times it's one of those things where not only is it a bad movie it's an annoying oh absolutely it's gotta be

annoying movie but that's what it's made for it's made to be annoying. For the babies. For the babies. What else happens to this montage? I mean, so, like, it's a montage. We start getting flashbacks to like...

Oh, this, our first flashback is here. Because they're all fucking friends, dude. Are you kidding me with this? I think this is, yeah, this is when we stopped watching. I'm not going to watch the rest of this. I mean, this is so fucking stupid. We realize that so the baroness... Yes.

What's her name, Anne? Anna. Anna. was at one point betrothed to Channing Tatum, Duke, as it were. We see their proposal scene. And oh, here's Anna's brother. Oh, what's that? Her brother, Rex, played by Joseph Gordon Levitt, the Cobra Commander himself.

What? Well, first they're doing the Chattanooga Choochoochoochooch. Oh, with the swing music. And, like, 2015. They're going off to World War II. fucking First Avengers next to him. It's so fucking stupid. Channing Tatum, who is a great dancer,

is doing, I wish, I hope, in my heart of hearts, is intentionally bad dancing because this is some bad dancing that he's doing right here. You think Stephen Summer stopped him? No, you're doing it wrong. Dance like this.

He does like the Elaine dancer. He's the Summer's shuffle. He's doing his own dance choreography. No. Dance like this. No channing. More little kicks. More little kicks and slower. That's it. You know, we're going to shut it down.

We're going to watch sweating to the oldies. And he proposes to her and she's like, oh, this is awesome. I'll get married to you on one condition. You bring my little brother home on this next mission you guys are going on. And like Marlon Wayans also runs in and he's just like, oh, did you

propose? Well, you can't get married until you answer me these questions three, whatever fucking Harry Conning Jr. horseshits going on here. It's so obnoxious that they make them all know each other. It's really bad. And during the training montage, I think it's out of B.C.

who says, we've got to get you trained, Joe style. Which is either the most boring or the most disgusting sense. Yeah, I think it's a fucking sloppy dude. You took it right out of my mouth, man. I was going to lay down some slop.

you do this Joe style I will say about the training and like it's kind of weird because 2009 was a more innocent time like it's before Hollywood got the Bain serum like if you look at the bodies in this movie like they're just kind of built dudes they're not like that super

weird cut Marvel Captain America like shizzled of the gods kind of a six pack took over you had to see it yes yeah like this there's you they're definitely cut I mean they look great it's fucking Channing Tatum Yeah, ha-cha-cha-cha. But, yeah, you don't, like, he's not cut up like that.

Yeah, so then it's not the shredded thing. Like, you never had, there was never a fucking story about, like, Marlon Wayans gained 20 pounds of muscle to be in J.I. Joe, Rise of the Cobra. No, it was Arnold Vossel who gained 20 pounds of fat, and they removed his shirtless scene. They just put a shirt on Arnold. He didn't do it. Arnold didn't show up in shape you guys. We're going to cut the sex scene. The worst part of this montage, I have to say, is they are playing a rap remix of Banga Gong by T.Rex.

Oh, dude, get the fuck out of town. This song sucks. And it's a white rapper. Because T.Rex is amazing. Yes, this version is terrible. It's this what you should really look there. There's a video for this song. It's not connected to G.I. Joe, but it's just like the most, like, Paul Giamati as a rapper with, like, these very, like, lazy dancers in the background going like,

and this is so bad I highly recommend it You got a name on this London bus stop Okay Stop it London bus stop Is that a G.I. Joe?

Listen, I just No, I That's where That's just what I like to go On London buses No nothing happened At those bus stops I'm not even British

I never jerked nothing at a bus stop All right I pay the fare with money Just like everyone else I've heard about your Kung Fu grip This dude So Storm Shadow and the Baroness break into the Joe compound Because something something tracking device

They're able to fucking get in there All hell breaks loose Big fucking fight scene here It kind of feels like the end of the movie Because everyone's like everyone's like paired up fighting each other This particular because we're fighting in a headquarters Like this totally feels like the final act

of the Hank Scorpio Simpson's episode and it's just like oh yeah fucking oh hey tank feel free to kill somebody on the way out and that's another like a connection with Kingsman is like Matthew Vaughn was like I wanted to do a Bond movie so I did Kingsman

Stephen Summer's like I want to do a bond movie so I did G.I. Joe. Yeah. Is that real? It's definitely a Bond hangout because he's like oh I always want to do this is the closest I'm going to get to do a bond movie. That's insane and that's also sad It's kind of really sad. The funniest part about this whole break-in scene is it's General Hawk in his office.

And speaking of fucking cover girl, oh no. Well, yeah, cover girl's in the scene right here. But speaking of fucking hot old jazz music, dude, he's just listening to some fucking herky jerky shuffle shit. It's like, what are you talking about? It's 2009. It's Hawk Time, dude. That's what he does in Hawk Time.

well it's in the not too distant future where all this shit comes back oh so it's kind of like when swing music was back in the fashion duke ellington slaps uh yeah zartan shows up he kills cover girl and fucking impaled and this impalment was when i was first like oh this isn't really for kids this is for the people who were kids when that cartoon came out like the trans but at least the transformers movies which are terrible they balance it a little better i yes i think it's a too. Yeah. And I don't know. Zartan like cuts up a hawk's stomach and then puts his face up against a graph up against like an eye scanner to get the thing. Just cut fucking Hawks hat off. That's it, dude. Let's kill that.

I was waiting for him to like turn into Hawk or like impersonate Dennis Quay, you know. Well, I feel like Dennis Quaid was like, can I be out of this movie? How about you killed? What if Hawk died right here? Wouldn't that be a nice twist for the audience? Again, another Tribune trivia. Really? A sweet fucking

Nug was that Stephen Summers and the production, you know, the producers or whatever, like loved Dennis Quaid so much as Hawk that they wrote, according to the Tribune trivia, an additional 10 to 15 scenes. Jesus. So this really, if you're to be believing

the internet, was like supposed to be a fucking cameo. Yeah, Stephen, I'm glad to still be here, but I'm sitting down. That's going to be the thing, I have to sit down. And I think, no, I think you're right, Kevin, because if you look at what he does for the rest of this movie, it is just him yelling from the same command center

for the rest of the film. He's in a wheelchair. He's literally in a wheelchair. He is even in a wheelchair at one point. That's true. So it's a big fight. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes meet up and this is where it's a hello brother. And you know, I think this is where we turned it off because this was like a, oh, there's another one.

Another set of flashbacks, but I will say it happens a couple times because it's like a flashback thread. Every time like are you got to be kidding me with these Storm Shadow flashbacks? But then too little kids start fighting to the death and I'm like, say I noticed the same thing. Dude, I was like,

these are two little kids doing like John Wick fighting and this is not half bad. Listen, one kid hits another kid in the face with a frying pan. That's kind of cool. They're fighting to the death. They're children fighting to the death. The fucking, you know, little rascals never did that. Take that. R gang.

Why doesn't fucking spanky, fucking take alfalfa's face and shove it on the stove? This is just us teeing up our R-rated franchise kid fight. Yeah, dude, would be huge. Lots of blood, lots of beheadings. Wasn't that kind of what kick ass was

supposed to be? It's like, look, it's a little kid doing things. No, but they fight each other. Oh, it should be, yeah, it's not like a kid fighting an adult. It's just two kids fighting to the death? To the death, absolutely.

Yeah, it's not like, three ninjas where it's like, oop, we knocked someone in the older guy and the nerds in high five. Oh, oh, Hulk Heldon fell off of Mega Mountain. It's like these kids are like, there's a stove involved. He's like trying to get his face of the fire. I'm like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's fantastic. I love seeing kids almost die. More like a battle royale type situation. Yeah, definitely. And the soundtrack is definitely filled with bonob, bonop, because it's just matrix fighting.

It would be awesome. So they get away with the device or whatever, and they're going to go to Paris is the idea. We got to get to Paris, man. This is where this whole, like, terrorist attack is going to happen. Like, let's flash forward to a lot of the movie here. We're in Paris.

And the whole thing is like, It's one of those, like, Chris Oliver Ackleson is like, we got to show them what the device can do. And then they're going to come to the most powerful man in the world and beg for mercy or whatever. Something, something, something. We got to go to the French because they offended the clan McCullen. And this is the scene where it's like, hey, remember that dumbass thing from the beginning?

Well, this justifies it. No, it doesn't, Stephen Summers. It just, just don't have it in the movie. It just doesn't even matter. It just, again, the Hank Scorpio line. and nobody ever says Italy. Like that's, just do that. Just do, we're going to Paris.

We don't need a fucking hundreds-year-old reason why. And I guess, is this like a bond thing? It's like, oh, I'm a villain arms dealer and I'm going to blow up something. And then everyone's going to flock to me to try to get the, listen, buddy, didn't work for Osama bin Laden. Not going to work for you. Agreed.

So this is what we finally get the max suits. Everybody gets into their max suits. We're running through the streets of Paris. or Czechoslovakia more aptly and Baroness kills her husband at this point who cares Oh right, he's the scientist

that weaponizes these little rockets or whatever It's the Baroness and Storm Shadow They're in a car They're trying to get to the Empire Tower Eiffel Tower The Eiffel Tower I'm an ugly American

And they're trying to get there And then like Snake Eyes is on the car There's some fighting going on it's an okay action sequence sure i mean it's just those lips though like i can't look away that's your brother right someone needs to at least try to kiss it you know like try to kiss those lips yeah exactly just be like i know there's still humanity in you you rub the face down like little face off rub and then you go and then see if it sparks any emotion in him where he can actually talk again and be a real

He finally says, like, please stop kissing me. I would love it if it... I've had a vow of silence for 25 years, but please stop kissing me. I would love it if it just at the very end, like, he's at the cafeteria, he just opens, and those are his actual lips. And he's just like an alien. Oh, yeah, he's just like eating an apple with those fucking weird lips. That would be so horrific.

Which just looks like a horse. Well, don't they... Because Marlon Wayans sort of towards the beginning of the film is trying to flirt with... Scarlet. scarlet there and don't they make something about like snake eyes kind of has the hots

for Scarlett a little bit it's something like right at the beginning she has a thing for snake eyes so that should have been the move well she's also a weird has a thing for her yes yeah and she's also a weird sociopath too

because she's like I don't have emotions it's like shit dude well I guess if you're a G.I. Joe and you're killing people every day yeah you can't dude you gotta be totally turned off well

Marla Wayne's a rip cord is doing the classic I don't quit until you sleep with me which is very charming well that's not bothering I was going to say in some circles dude

it's known as the Steve Urkel I'm wearing her down yep and now she has got no emotions congratulations so this warhead is weaponized the baroness's baron is murdered

by Storm Shadow they're running through the streets they're like jumping through trains and stuff. And we got these super suits on. Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans have these super suits on. I will say this is the closest to an exciting and interesting action sequence this movie has.

It's the best action sequence in the movie. I would say so. I guess it is. It's sad to say that. I was thinking like, no, it's not. I can't name anything else. It's definitely better than the lightsaber battle at the end. Yeah.

That's pretty dumb. Yeah. Somewhere around here, there's, dude, this movie is flashback crazy, dude. There's just this quick pop and it goes East Africa, four years. years earlier and you see Channing Tatum and JGL are on some mission and it's like all right Joseph Gordon Levitt Rex you're the fucking science officer run into that building and fucking

hack the planet or whatever's going on and he's like you got to move quick because I called in this air strike blibbitty blow JGL runs in the air strike is early they fucking bomb this building well JGL should be like so what why don't you give me like a two minute head start and then called the airstrike. How about I go in there? Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don't fucking rely on them to time it. You already called them? How can

you call them back and say stop? Yeah, call it off. Exactly right Kevin. Call it off. I'll go in. I'll do the computer thing. And then when you see me step foot out, you call that airstrike. I might meet Kevin J. O'Connor in there. I don't know what's going to happen. Just fucking call it off. Man,

man, dude, chill factors Kevin J. O'Connor. But he meets. It's like a guy called Dr. Mindbender. That's Kevin J. O'Connor. Oh, okay. He's also from the mummy. Oh, no, he's from Deep Prize. He's in the mummy, too.

He's a Stephen Summers bud. And he plays Igor in. Fan Helsing. Wow, that sucks. But Dr. Mindbender, by the way, this episode is the movie, but who cares? But I looked up the Wikipedia page for Dr. Mindbender.

You know what his backstory is? No. No. He was an orthodontist that was working on, and he's a good guy, regular guy. He's trying to work on, like, dental pain reduction. But then he was spitting it back in their mouth. No, but in doing so, he accidentally created a mind control device and made himself evil and crazy. Wow, what a flub.

So he's the riddler. Yeah. But, like, that's the thing. It's like, is it so bad to be evil and crazy? Right. Hey, man, if it pays. If it pays, dude You know, I'm kind of glad

We're done with Joseph Gordon Leavitt as a society, right? We had that time and it all ended. Well, I think it's just one of those things like Zach Galefinaque He was in 10 movies in four years And he's just got to take a break. Is that it? He's coming back, I think. Ten movies in four years that all sucked.

Yeah, everybody was like, dude, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Just pen the Oscar for him, dude. He's going to get it. He's going to do it. I mean, 500 days of summer is a real crazy. Creep Fest. Don John is awful. Oh, I never watched it.

I like Inception is fun. I like them in Darknet Rising. Sure. But like as a lead, like his lead movies have always sucked. Looper is okay. Oh, I guess that's one Yeah. Looper, I was a hair away from turning off. What do you guys think of Snowden? I'm a Muppet voice

on Snowden. Big shrug. Yeah, that movie. Big old shrug. It was one of those movies. I watched it and I was like, that's a good movie. And then the second I left the screening room, I never thought about it again. Well, you know what that is? It's that Oliver Stone thing. You want him to be good again. And you're like, God, like, I found myself

almost like excusing parts of savages. Oh, really? That fucking weird drug cartel movie. I was trying so hard. What was that GGL 50-50, him and Seth Rogan, the cancer comedy? I'm not crazy about that one either. Oh, you know, it's a good JGL movie? And it's like

he's kind of sharing the top bill is the night before. Yeah, that's not bad. Him, Seth Rogan, Anthony Mackey. That's a funny movie. Michael Shannon. steals that movie absolutely hey i stole your movie hip hip hip you're just trying to get it back now see how tall i am seth come on come up here and get it jump buddy jump up here and get your movie

so channing tatum hits the kill switch on this thing well they shoot at the eiffel tower and it starts to collapse yeah it does collapse it's been eaten by the mites right the little mites are eating it and not only does that it is very cartoonian it's like when there's a bunch of bees in it in a cartoon they form into an arrow and stuff. Yeah, it does remind me

of that. It's a weird thing where like this the nanobots or whatever can like hop onto all sorts of metal. So you see it like getting on different cars and stuff and it's like oh, the whole city's going to be decimated unless we hit this kill switch with Channing Tatum hits. But he gets

abducted by the cobras. Right. Or the not, the as of yet unnamed cobras. The unnamed cobras he's abducted by them. The rest of the Joes get arrested. I don't need this movie to stop dead for two seconds with them getting arrested, only to be turned around and saved by Dennis Quaid in the very next scene. He's like, all right, Joe's.

You can't go to Paris ever again. Breakers freaking out about this. Everybody else doesn't care. By the way, my name is Hawk because I have feathers underneath my clothing. Oh, that'd be amazing if he was like a bird creature. That'd be so cool if it like came out of the end of the movie. just like yeah i got you hawks here and he turns into a bird oh it's just dude shake your tail feathers it's like a giant it's a big bird but with dennis quade's head i had to shave down

the beak he flies in and saves like the polar ice cap or whatever the fuck at the end of this movie he holds on to uh channington it with his big talons yeah i like it i like it throws him into the garbage and who's in there but oscar the grouch oh shit dude the most popular jie i joe all right look i know i got the nickname in the joe's trash fucker and that's just a big misunderstanding oh my god i was just caressing the trash and yeah uh just to be clear uh raw dog loves condoms i love i always use condoms i always do raw dog wraps it up i just eat cold hot dogs right out of the package. And listen, deep throats

just an informant during the Nixon Watergate. It's not an actual throat fucking. Look, like, I know facial sounds bad, but I actually just can change my face. I'm like the chameleon. The chameleon

was already taken, so I had to go with facial. So whatever, we finally go to fucking cobras under underwater and here's the thing you got to pick one you can have an arctic base yep or an underwater base yep you can't have an underwater arctic base fuck you movie yeah i can't even believe it's stephen summers what a flub again way to pull of summers this whole thing was giving me a lot of like sea lab 2021 yeah a lot of that yeah cut to fucking nato no look we can't find out where cobra and destro are there's just incredible energy being used

up at the North Pole. Yeah, I don't know where it could become. It's like more than a city. It's, look, Mr. President, it's either Cobra's secret base or Santa Claus is working overtime. We can't figure it out. We can't get eyes on it. It's either Cobra has a secret base or there's global warming that's escalating the melting

of this ice cap. You know, there could be, I guess, a secret base pumping out exhaust under it. It's exactly the same amount of energy as the G.I. Joe base, but it's evil energy. So I don't know what, uh, I don't know what's going on. on here. Listen, this is a green station, everyone. Oh, I like that. Fucking puff puff past, dude.

No, low flow toilets. And waterless urinals. That's right. How disgusting does that sound. Think about how disgusting it sounds. The reality is

ten times worse, and we're composting. Jesus, you know, boss, there's all these solar panels on the polar ice caps. I think somebody's using it down there. I don't know, man. We shit in buckets and throw it on the garden.

Did you call me? Oh, wait, no, I'm G.I. Shit bucket. It's exactly what you think it's for. G.I. That got me. It's one time of college.

We'll do it, shit bucket. They can't do it on command All right, fuck, let's do some shots And then we'll do it everybody's watching Who threw out these eggshells They go in the compass Execute him Oh somewhere around here

There's another fucking dip shit flashback Where snake eyes And Storm Shadow Storm Shadow murders Their master This dude that's like been raising Slash training them and just kind of runs away

that's just a great detail to have it's like I really don't care nobody cares two swordsmen fighting guess what I'm there I'm on board exactly it's cooler if you don't know the beef exactly it's way cool if you don't know the beef but I also I don't know I

again the little kids fighting I also like this actor who plays the master if you look at his filmography from the years 1980 to like I bet it's fucking awesome it's just the best shitty white guy karate movies like he's in all of them do really let me just pull up is he an American

Shaolin no he's actually in samurai cop though Gerald Okomura yeah this guy rules he's in let me pull it up a ninja academy time burst the final alliance karate wars 9 and a half

ninjas show down a little Tokyo capital punishment the master demon deadly bet Rapid Fire, American Street Fighter, I want to watch all these movies. I want to stop talking and watch all of these movies. The little kid who plays snake eyes looks like he grows up to be Zach Braff.

Yeah, he does. It's really, it's kind of bad. Yeah, I'm a murderous ninja training now, but when I grow up, I'm going to fucking love the band Snow Patrol. And I'm going to be a canceled show about a podcast. Let's just put down the sores and yell into this pit in New Jersey. All right?

Come on, Storm Shadow. Let's do it. So Dr. Rex is going to turn Duke into one of the mindless cobra zombies that he's got going on here. And you find out the baroness has been a cobra zombie the whole time. Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's why she's crooked. She's crooked against her own will. Because he's like, who are? For some reason, he's like, who are you to this doctor? I wouldn't ask that. I'd be like, oh, you're a gross old dude or something. But he pulls up, he's like, you want to know who I am? And he's not doing exactly the cobra commander voice.

it's a little different. It gets more Cobra Commandery when he gets the fucking dumb mask at the end of the movie. He's like, you want to know who I am? It's me, Rex. And he takes his mask off. He looks disgusting.

He pulls the wig off, which is hilarious. Like, why even have the wig? Yeah. You just have to have confidence in yourself, man. Exactly. Also, if you're going to have a wig, how about something that's not a bad Halloween costume?

Yeah. Like something you spent more than $5 on at Party City. It looks terrible. This wig looks terrible. How big of a budget do you think I have? It's November 1st, and we're going to Party City. Time to buy a week, a year's worth of wigs.

Halloween discount time. Destro, look at this. I could be Freddie Kruger this year. Do you see this sea lab? It's like minnesota size. Yes, no, and I cannot... No, I'm not going to buy a beetle juice wig. That's too expensive.

I'm going to buy the off-brand one, surly ghost. The surly ghost costume. Think about it, surly ghost, surly ghost, surly ghost. Now I'm here. Now I'm the surly ghost with the most. Yes, it's me off-brand Beatles guys. And I'm not, no, no Jason Vohy's. It's New Jersey Killer Man.

Hockey, mask style. As opposed to the other New Jersey killer man that is not hockey style. That's just a generic New Jersey guy. It's got a track suit. Forget about this pinhead costume. It's me, Spikey Face.

Discount Halloween monsters. Someone say my name of I'm G.I. Spikey face. That's because I'm awesome in volleyball and I'll spike you right in your face. not Freddie Kruger the pizza with the cheese slid off face so they launched

these fucking missiles man it's these the missiles that have these warheads in them they're bound for three cities Washington DC Beijing and a third one and Moscow we wanted to save Moscow and not only that

that's the one that gets shot down first it's like yeah yeah let that Washington DC nuclear weapons stay in the a little longer. Let's get Moscow's weapon down first. And there's some like giant G. Ijo submarine floating around, which leads to what I think is one of the best slash dumbest lines of the movie. Oh, please. When Dennis Quaid just yells out, deploy the sharks. Oh, yes. I laugh. And all these like submarine planes fly out. And that's what is weird. Like a lot of this final underwater

sequence or whatever is just that battle from Aquaman yeah yeah if done worse if done yeah much less colorful and cool

yeah it's all this muddy and nonsensical and yeah like Channing Tatum like is really upset because like also it's really

here's the thing you want to be an evil doctor like leave your sister out of it we do get an awesome flashback to Channing Tatum

going to Justin Quid Levitt's funeral a lot of fucking motorcycle kind of breezes in and out first of all

don't come to my funeral and motorcycle. Second of all, you know what? No motorcycles allowed to my funeral. That's it. Really? You're putting down laws about your funeral? Yeah, that's right. Just recently you said like, don't go to my funeral at all? Well, first of all, don't go specifically if you're going to ride a motorcycle to it. Here's the thing.

Don't try to get laid at my funeral. If you're going to go to my funeral, don't try to get laid at my funeral. You're dead. Dude, life goes on. We're getting laid at your funeral. If you must... Why else am I going? If you must ride a motorcycle do a funeral, do us all of favor and show up on time.

That's the other thing, dude. He's responsible for this guy's supposed death. And he shows up on a motorcycle when it's almost over. He shows up at the 21 gun salute. And I got a question about this. So Rex supposedly dies. Yeah. So does he just not even talk to Anna again?

He's just like, well, she's not going to marry me because he died. He just goes. We're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Real American hero, my foot. Yeah, like... What a coward. I don't think I'm a super villain

if someone did that shit to me. I'd be like, yeah, I'm dying my hair black and I'm wearing leather all the time and I'm a fucking weirdo. Yes, exactly. But it's like, what, you know, she can understand that you weren't there to save him because he had this other separate mission to do.

She may be like someone to talk to about it, possibly. And it's fucking so stupid. There's a ridiculous shot right around here where like JGL's like giving that whole thing like, you weren't there for her or whatever. And it cuts. to this totally unnecessary shot of Sienna Miller like inner underwear

crying in a bed and you're like I get it movie again way to pull a Summers Stephen Summers you know who was there for her she bumped into a baron at the food court well what's weird is like when it's revealed that JGL

is Rex right I was confused because is she supposed to already know? No because there's no reaction. She's mind controlled. She has no idea that Rex is Cobra. Yes. Right, but like even when that whole

thing is like cleared, it's never, there's no like... I think she wants to kill him at that point is the idea. She does want to kill. Okay. So she does, she gets in the know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's really mad about the last like seven years all the murder and all this stuff. And also like being kind of like weirdly given to Christopher Eccleston because like...

Yeah. Here's the thing. It's like this thing where it's like, oh, she's being mind control and yeah maybe she has to like fuck the baron for evil needs but then it's like oh this is my best bud Christopher Eccleson he's going to have sex with you now like ew man And then meanwhile if I could Rex

Yeah that's the Weirdest thing about that fucking underwear scene is like It's suggested that he like Put like chloroformed her And kidnapped her oh I forgot about that Yeah that's how that shot ends is her being Like okay buddy Maybe you deserved all that shit

Yeah, this dude's a pervert, man. Him and Dr. Mindbender. So, yeah, we deploy the sharks. There's this whole fucking chase or whatever. At the same time, all this is going on, Jonathan Price, as the president is put in a bunker, there's a crooked secret service agent, and he kills all the other secret service agents in the bunker,

and he's like, oh, it's done. You see he's got the little cobra scar on his neck. And this is the stupidest, like, someone walks in, you don't see who it is, and Jonathan Price, like, reacts in horror. Meanwhile, the last time we've seen Arnold Voslu, he's getting this fucking facial reconstructive surgery and mentions like, oh, I've spent months

practicing his body language and whatever. He gets injected with like a thousand things and he gets all shoved in there and he starts getting like, and he starts looking older. And that's when I thought he was going to turn into Dennis grade, but unfortunately, I guess he's turning into Jonathan Price. It's specifically like white hair.

And like Jonathan Price's fucking line in the scene is literally like, Oh, so that's the twist. Like almost literally says, oh, so that's the twist. Oh, what a twist. I kind of like being, like Voslu's like really like,

it's like he's turning into a werewolf Jonathan Price kind of. Oh, that would be cool. As a werewolf, Jonathan Price. We miscalculated. So, Cobra Commander and, I don't even know how it happens.

Oh, Destro or Christopher Vecson's got like a flamethrower. He's going to shoot it at Duke. It gets reverberated and melts his whole fucking face off. Yeah, totally. Not bad. And then Cobra Commander grabs him and they go in their own submarine.

He's like, oh, while we're here, I've always had this cool idea for a suit for you. And he puts out this silver mask that like it's nanite to get it like bonds to his face. No, he just injects it. Oh, that's right. He injects him with nanobots or whatever. Yeah. And his face turns into a similar looking. because Christopher Ecclinson's character

has kept the face mask from the very beginning of the movie and when that whole underwater station goes to shit we see that mask like floating away at the bottom of the ocean so yeah Cobra Commander makes his face turn into that basically

it looks like shit it looks very let me bring out my new agent snow job to finish you off he looks like fucking the thumb wars and stuff you know the what was that the thumb movies we keep talking about Steve Odekerks, thumb mouth. Yeah, he's got like the fucking, like, teeth on this, like, unnatural object.

It looks so bad. It's like son of the mask level, like, CGI to. The best of those was Thumbist Gump. Is that a fact? Is that a real one? Then I met the thumb president. Again. Something jumped up and bit my thumb butt.

I got dumb genitals. I mean, you would have to. do, right? I've got a thumb pee. Did someone call me a GI thumb genitals? Then Thumb Jenny made friends with a bunch of thumb black panthers.

So then Duke is chasing them and this is when Sienna Miller's like, let's get those fuckers kind of a thing. Totally. I've been like both physically and mentally raped for like, I don't know, six years. Yep. Maybe I could have some agency in this. We're like, yeah, shut up.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, she at one point is, like, running a gun turret and then isn't anymore. Yeah, she runs out of bullets or something. Well, it's a Star Wars thing. Like, she's doing, like, Luke in the, like, literally the chair turns like that, too. But the problem with this movie is it, like, it sets up to do shit like that, then just forgets to follow through with any... There's also, like, 12 different characters you have to pay attention to at any given time, so nothing actually has any weight to it. Did we even finish the thread about, like, Ripcourt is shooting down these nano bombs? This is, I mean, it's happening concurrently.

What's happening now is happening now? That's right. Because he saves D.C. right about here. Marlon Wayans does have a funny line, though, because he gets the missile or whatever, and he brings it up into the atmosphere. It's being eaten by nanobytes. Yeah, there's like planes going up with the nanobytes and it explodes, but he ejects in time, and he lands on the White House lawn. And he's got a good line there. He goes like, oh, I'm getting arrested again.

Yeah. I had a legitimate laugh during G.I. Joe. There's this thing where. For some, I mean, it's useless, but the whole movie's useless, where, um, uh, uh, the, he has to use Gaelic words to fire the guns or some, yes, Celtic, Celtic words, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just like whatever, man, T-Han. Yeah, it's like, how about another movie? You know what? That's an idea for another movie. That's something fitting for a James Bond film. Yeah, honestly. Yeah. This movie, it's fucking G. G. I. Joe, you push the red button, please. Exactly.

So also back in the fucking bait, like the Storm Shadow and fucking Snake Eyes are literally doing the Luke and Anakin fight. Oh, big time. On the little, like, exactly the little platform. There's a lot of force lightning flying around also. Not for nothing. Storm Shadow dies. Snake Eyes wins. He appears to die.

Wait, what? He's back in the next second one. Fuck you. And his, he just got summers. If his weird little lips can smile. he would. Or maybe they would be frowned and maybe he's sad, I can't tell him. He killed his brother with those weird little lips.

He starts eating ribs and it gets all over. Dude, I would love to see those little fucking gross mannequin lips that just got barbecue sauce all over. Right after his brother like hits the water he just pulls out this weird paper bag on ribs. He's pulling out sloppy ribs.

That's, yeah, that's his only line. These are actually riblets. There's two things that snake guys love is dude. Sword and sloppy ribs. Snake guys, did you call me? I'm G.I. Riblet. And then what's so fucking dumb is like we have the birth of Destro. We have the birth of Cobra Commander. And they're both immediately arrested.

Well, it's this thing where like he's like, you're under arrest. And he's like, yeah, by who? Or it's like, you and whose army? And he's like, this army. And then it's all these guys. I'm like, hey, don't say that. I think they're in a laser cell It takes

It's so quick It's like that part in Batman and Robin When like The first time Mr. Freeze is arrested And like George Clooney Just puts his cape over the camera Like you see

You see Arnold Schwarzenegger in handcuffs Like what the fuck happened? Yeah it's yeah It is just a fucking Star Wars wipe And they're just in jail And the fucking doors close on them And it's like an underground prison It's like a minority report

Like type like mixed with the, where they put, um, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B. Oh, it's kind of a magneto deal. Destra's like, do you have like plastic surgeons here? Oh, you know, how about you kill me? How about you just shoot me in the heart and kill me?

Shoot me right in the heed. That'd be really cool of like Destra hung himself in prison. Of course. A, you're in prison forever, B, you have a metal face. Yeah, no, I'd commit suicide. I would love a metal face. Oh, really? I really don't like faces or having one.

Well, see, if you give me a cool Dr. Doom Mask, maybe, but this like weird jelly gross thing that he's got on his head, I don't know. it's like metal jelly it's silver jelly yeah it's disgusting what a silver jelly had i would doctor do mask you could talk you know i mean i would prefer a mask for sure but i would take silver jelly i just yeah so the joes are called on another mission like almost immediately dennis quaid is out of this wheelchair hey do you want to know what that mission was what's that it's operation mongoose oh shit you know why why's that because mongoose eat snakes Oh, yeah, dude, think about it.

Steven Summers. I just got Summersed myself. That's fucking genius. Crazy, man. Operation Ricky, tiki, toffy. Now we're thinking. Now, it feels like we were talking about this movie forever and not at all. Yeah.

Which is like, did we talk about this movie? Well, that's what watching the movie is also funny enough. Yeah. It's horrible. You will check your phone. Like, that is, if you want to put my, my quote on the back of this. box, it's you will check your phone. Dude, that's why I was coming at you guys with so much

Tribune. Trivia. I was reading every word of that page. I love that thing in the interview about Channing Tatum telling Howard Stern how much he fucking hates this movie. Really? It was right in the middle of like a three picture contract he had with Paramount and like he's there like he was like

I don't want to do this. Can I get out of there? Like no. Says like this battleship. Is he in battleship? No, I think that's Taylor Kitch. Oh, you're right. That is Taylor But Chan and Tannenes the ship. He voices the ship. Toot, Toot, guys. Get in. Toot, Toot.

Rihanna, get off me. Rihanna, get off me. I have not seen Battleship as in this recording. Oh, I saw that in theaters. Well, that was also. Battleship also was trying to cash out on the Transformers buzz. Yeah, it definitely was. So much like there's fucking like shape-shifting aliens in that movie.

Whatever that movie. That's a board game, right? Yes. Yeah. Do Monopoly already. Let's do. monopoly. That's true. That is true.

And then we see the little button you're not going to believe this at the end of the movie is Jonathan Price is out of the bunker and his staff's like, oh, welcome back, Mr. President. He goes in the Oval Office and closes the door and whistles the same tune that we hear Arnold Voslu whistling at the beginning. It's where he's a jolly good fellow, I believe.

Yes. Yeah. It's great. Hey, great. Hey, great. It becomes, and that like becomes the biggest part of the sequel. Whistling? No, well, him. No, Jonathan Price, the secret president, Arnold. Well, the sequel has the Cobra banners fly down from the White House,

which ironically is what the White House looks like now. I would prefer it. I love all hail Cobra Commander and Serpentor. Yeah. Hail hydra. Wait, we're not doing hydra anymore. Okay, hail Cobra. Whatever, whatever nastardly organization.

Tell me who I'm hailing this week. Look, Stephen Miller. I just need to inject you with some nanobytes And then you will be my distro He would fucking love it too He would love it He would fucking love it Because then he'd be the only silver person on the planet

And it'd be a race all his own Yeah Your G.I. Joe name is Stephen Miller Yeah, I hate that guy Oh, okay But it just sounds like your name is Stephen Miller No, no, no, I hate that guy So that's my nickname is Stephen Miller

And you, Steve Bannon, Will be G.I. Fart Ström that is the end of G.I. Joe, Rise of the Cobra. Would anybody recommend it? Not for a hot second, dude. It is a slog to get through. It's two hours. I would say it's just two hours. Oh, by the way, the end of this movie, cut to credits, cut to a black-eyed peas song. Yep. And that's the... Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, it's that one, which I have... You're so 2000 and late. Yeah.

You say that's favorite song. And this movie isn't... Exactly 2,000 and late. Because it came out of a year later. Because you're 3,000 and 8? Yes, exactly. No, it's a disaster. It's not good.

It's awful. I could see an argument if it's a real bad one for a hangover movie just because if you don't pay attention to it, don't listen to anything that's being said. But I also think it fails in almost everything that it's trying to do. So I'd say no. Yeah, it's top to bottom awful. Like, I wish I could have anything to hold on to a life raft. Maybe one actor's performance, something. Yeah, I'm a life raft.

What do you need? I actually don't save anybody. It's an ironic moniker. It was just lost at sea. I thought that was obvious, but whatever. Yeah, no, it's trash. Top to bottom. Top to bottom.

I wouldn't even say hangover because, like, this, you just can't even, you can't even, you can't, there's nothing to gleam onto. Yeah. Unlike a life ref, there is nothing to hold on to here. It is, like Eric said, top to bottom, a failure. I think that Paris chase scene is fine, but that's five minutes of a two-hour movie. And I got to tell you, I don't think it's a hangover movie either because I remember watching the start of this, that sequence where they first get ransacked at the beginning when they're trying to transport these warheads or whatever. I don't know anybody's fucking name, but everybody's screaming something. You can't follow any. anything. And my head just started hurting right there. And that's when I was like, well, if you were watching this with a hangover, you'd probably just like throw up. No, it's just too

obnoxious to be a hangover movie. I mean, for me anyway, it's just, and also like I don't, I would actually be curious. I don't think anyone liked this. It's going to be made money, but like, did G.I. Joe diehards? Because that's what this movie does. It's like chum to die hard. It's like, oh, there's heavy duty, there's

ripboard. Oh, it's like the Transformers movies. Like, here's the Star-Sream, here's tape deck, here's whatever the fuck. But they don't Do it enough. Like, there's like six or seven of them. I'm like, this is a team. If you look at the Wikipedia fucking list of names that have been in the canon of G.I. Joe, it goes on like a Bible.

It goes on forever. Where the hell was Cum Shot? Exactly. Come shot. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And ripcord begat. Time code and time code begat heavy duty.

And roadblock walked alone. At some point in the late 80s, they even had a character. whose speciality was survivalist. Sure. Just like being able to build a fucking bunker in the woods. And that little GI dro grew up to be Ted Kaczynski. Yeah, I'm email because I fucking hate it so much.

Ted, recycling is fake is not going to fit on your G.I. Joe outfit. That is G.I. Joe, the rise of Cobra, directed by Steven. Summers and we in this room today Got Summersed. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies.

I got a lot of bonus shit up there this month. What's that bonus full-length app? Well, the Kingsman His Secret Service, which is actually a lot of fun. We have a ball with that one, I gotta say. We already recorded it. Oh yeah. We did a Gleap Glosser with Grito

very recently. Very recently. We haven't selected the next one for this month yet, but But there's still so much going on. Days worth of content. So much. We got commentary tracks on the Twilight movies, Commando, so many things. And we're doing some fun stuff on the page now where you can, like, vote for stuff.

We're doing a lot of cool stuff on that Patreon page. We're trying to get more interactive with you, the patrons, who are amazing people. And also check out the Nexus is our Star Trek podcast. Totally. That goes along with the same level as Gleep Glossary, where we talk. Star Wars and the commentary tracks. And we created a character for that named Farty, who is Scotty's cousin. That's all I'm going to say, you want to listen to that bit.

You want to listen to that bit. But this was just the start of the summer blockbuster excravaganza, extravaganza. Excrement. Or excrappaganza, whatever. Excrapaganda. But Steve Sadek, where is this train going next week? week. This train is staying on the Summers track because

in the Summers of summer, it's, we're doing deep rising. Oh, fuck. With a special guest, Jamel Bowie of the New York Times will be here. That's right. That is right. So until next week, when the summers, summers, oh, here

we go. Summer's slam. Oh, I like Summer's slam. Also, maybe on Patreon we should do Mark Summers unwrapped. Remember that, like that candy guy? He was like a Nickelode. guy. Yeah, he was a double dare.

What are you fucking crazy? So I was right. Some game show. He told people to pick the big nose. Yeah, he's weird. So until next week, when Summer's Slam continues, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadeh. Chris Kavan.

Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a HeadGum podcast.