We Hate Movies - S9 Ep428: Episode 428 - Wanted

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

On this week's episode, the 2019 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza rolls on as the gang chats about the terribly agro comic adaptation, Wanted! What's with all this faux-Fight Club nonsense? Why does everyone think that "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" will play for a laugh outside of the film Dirty Work? And please enjoy a 10-minute tangent on the film Coneheads! PLUS: It's Sunday-Funday in The Matrix! Wanted stars James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, Terence Stamp, Thomas Kretschmann, Common, Kristen Hager, David O'Hara, Konstantin Khabenskiy, and Chris Pratt; directed by Timur Bekmambetov. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, let's watch James McAvoy slings some bullets. It's Wanted. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadeh. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Curve my asshole. You angry, bitter. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. And that's right. The summer blockbuster extravaganza is just fucking rolling on, man. This summer is flying by. And this summer is flying by.

week, we're talking about the film Wanted from 2008 directed by Timor Beck Mumbatoff the dude who did Day Watch and Night Watch. I never, I didn't tune back in for Night Watch. No, it's Night Watch first. Oh, well that's the one I saw then. Yes. Which I thought was okay.

Yeah, I saw that too and I was like, oh cool, I like this movie and then I forgot about it. I am waiting for before Sunset Watch. Midnight Watch, dude. Yeah, it's in Greece now. I, yeah, I watched that first one after like lengthy recommendations a lengthy series of recommendations from a co-worker he added on DVD and then one night it was like a we got off work at one a.m.

And he was like yeah man my mom bought like two cases of tequitos. You want to go back to my place and watch this movie. Wait cases? What's a case of tickets? Well there's like the frozen food box. No, I know. I don't think she was buying bulk. And so we just migrated with some tachitos, had some beers. As an adult? As an adult? Yeah. Do you get some pizza rolls the next day?

No. After your sleepover? No. But then years later, I moved to a neighborhood in New York City where there was a 7-11. I was eating fucking taquitos all the time. What's wrong with a ta-kito? There was Elios there, too. Oh, Lord, thick ellios.

Well, mom said to get hearty snacks. Eric, okay? Watch night watch to have hearty snacks. This film was Timor Beck Mombatof's English. language debut. But who wanted this? I guess Mark Miller? Yeah. It's a Malar? I think it's Malar.

That guy fucking sucks. Is that right? I mean, like he's kind of an asshole. Like, that's the thing. Wow, you know, there's a trend between comic book creators and comic book fans that they are kind of assholes. There's comic book artists that I enjoy and writers.

And there's good fans too, man. Yeah. Minorities both. Maybe that's true. Let's go through the crimes of one Mark Millar. Okay. Kick-ass. But they're all like these aggrieved white guy stories. That's most comic books now, right?

Yeah. Isn't Kingsman also him? Kingsman, by the way, is our Patreon episode of this month. You can chat on patreon.com slash we hate movies. Wasn't this though, Steve? Wasn't this the thing you were telling me that like the comic and the movie were kind of made so close to each other that it was like the comic was made expressed to be adapted to a movie? That was Kingsman

actually. That was Kingsman. Okay. Wanted was an established property. And established, I mean, like, he did it. It was a miniseries. People liked it. People were like, oh shit, they're swearing and stuff. I don't know. On paper, it almost, I didn't go into all the characters or whatever, but it's like, the idea sounded cool where it would be like, from the perspective of the supervillains. Right. And there's your idea.

Right. I just was reading, because I never read it. I read the synopsis, and then I read a little bit more about it. It was like, whilst finding a child prostitute detective and I was like you know what guys and also like all I had to do what's your problem with that which oh the detective yes tired that's a tired thing

I I tweeted a screen grab of like one of the bits of IMDB trivia and everybody knew that I was talking about wanted I didn't mention wanted in the tweet at all and then people started telling me like characters that are in that comic and it's

like fucking fart baby and then there's like some villain with Down syndrome that they make fun of shit dead. Well part baby they cut out completely and then there's a person who's made up of like all of like history's greatest villain's shit including Hitler

it's just like you know what man I'm Mark Millar and I'm smoking weed while I write this extreme comic book and hear me out hear me out it's like pizza the hut but it's a pile of shit from Hitler's asshole

Oh, man, I watch Dog, but let's do that. This is not weed. This is Monster Energy Drink and PCP. That is the combination that you're right. I should not besmirch the great name of marijuana. I will. I'll read a tweet out loud. Oh, here we go.

I actually. Tweetcast. I actually, I did a similar thing with a screen gab of blah, blah, wanted. And this guy, Anouj Kumar Seleuja, or I totally butchered his name, said that there's a comic. There's a character in the story named Johnny two dicks. Oh, yeah.

I gotta go get the two dicks, the two dicks. It's a plan of the ventriloquist except instead of a puppet, it's his dick telling him to do bads. Oh, brilliant play on the ventriloquist. It's like, you know what, dude, I hit puberty and then I moved on. Yeah, last year. You moved on and let go. You didn't get invited to the puberty party? I mean, I politely declined, but I got invited.

I understand writing stuff for 13-year-old boys, but, like, we can actually do a little bit more. Did you have, like, a countdown for when the balls dropped? It was just a week before his wedding. But I'm sorry, like, writing for 13-year-old boys or no, having a fucking villain be someone with Down syndrome. Yeah. And then, what was the name, like, half-brain or something?

Like, fuck you, dude. That's an asshole thing no matter what age it's for. Exactly. That's inexcusable. But it's comic books. what is your point it's the medium of hate these days no that's YouTube

first and foremost by the way check out our YouTube page yeah we're trying to clean it up we're trying to clean up YouTube we got to start somber guys YouTube.com slash we have movies it's just us dressed like a window washers like we're coming to clean YouTube guys

and then a Nazi flies by in a helicopter and shits all over the building right when we finish cleaning it no so wanted is based on that thing where it's like a world in which the super villains take over the world. Not mentioned once it's no movie. This seems like this is not based on the comic. Yes.

I thought it was like an error somewhere. But this is about a league of assassins, which we're going to get into all the things about the assassins. Yeah. Find James McAvoy, who is a malcontent office worker. Yes. Who is not thrilled to this lot in life. Right.

Not unlike Neo. Not unlike. Yes. It's the Matrix meets narrator from Fight Club And that's the fucking And John Wickey It's a relatable trope

Yeah for sure I work out of office I hate it Don't you dare drag John Wick into this What are you talking about? A league of a sats A large league of a sats

We're talking about the protagonist John Wick 4 might have a secret Loom and he's going to be like Yeah I don't think I'm going to kill Who the name on the loom Yeah Ellen Burstyn runs it You know Now there's your elder

The loom We're gonna get it in a fucking There's textiles in this. Yeah, the thrilling world of textiles. I'll have rabbit and sausage and can you kill a Russian for me? Thank you. Oh, my hungry boy. I supremely hate the narration in this movie.

Yeah, because it's just so explicitly ripped from Fight Club. Yeah, especially like the last line of this movie, we'll get to it when we get to it. But I just like, man, when someone has. has clearly watched a thing too many times and like then they just put it into their work like this. It's, yeah, it's, it's that thing where it's like, I work. It's a homage. Man, and that word is thrown around for the biggest excuses of people just ripping shit off.

And like, so Tam is like, yeah, welcome to my office. Welcome to my rotten fucking life. And it's like, I live with my, my girlfriend, who's getting fucked by my best friend. A not yet famous Chris Pratt, by the way. You're seeing his fucking butt cheeks in this movie, dude, not too shabby. Baby face before he had to get all balked for guardians. Baby butt cheeks.

I still don't understand why a dude in a ratty shirt and a fucking dirty-ass duster needed to be ripped, by the way. You just had to do it. Why can't he just be a fat guy like Andy, whatever his character was on Parks and Rec? Well, maybe he wanted to be more famous. That might have been it. I know if you can get Schwarzenegger's daughter

if you have a couple pies. Oh, no, someone is still as absconded with my daughter. Get back here, Mr. Pelesbury. The princess is in another castle. Pratt goes to ask for her hand in marriage, and Schwarzenegger just makes him go at, like, height and weight. Let's run a mile. Your body masses weigh off.

You cannot marry my daughter. I guess you'll have to remain married to Anna Ferris. No. So, yeah, it's like, oh, man, my fucking, my, my, my, girlfriend's getting fucked by this guy my fucking other thing is this happening and then I had we're at and it was such it was such a hot joke

that I didn't understand it which is like we're at here we are now my my bot my anorexic boss's birthday party and I was like well who's anorexic you didn't understand the sarcasm there because it cuts to a woman shoaming cake in her mouth I really just because the movie I wasn't

with the movie that I see that guy slim yeah I guess so and it's like we're doing office space we need that TPS report. Where's that report on my desk? And his thing is he has panic attacks. And like his, you know, his heart starts beating in his ears and he's like,

you know, everything kind of goes slow and like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. That's his kind of thing. He starts sweating. He goes back to his house. He's got a nice apartment, by the way. I kind of like this apartment. It's right next to the L. What are you talking about? I mean, I don't commit suicide or move. But it is big. Yeah, it's spacious.

Because this movie takes place in Chicago. Right. bigger apartments. So us paupers in New York look up to these things. And this was like around that time where Chicago was becoming again like so popular.

Like it's a renaissance like from the John Hughes days because it was Batman was set there. They were filming Dark Night at the same time they filmed this movie there. So many movies got made in Chicago in like 2008. It felt like. Do you think Morgan Freeman was looking for a third movie otherwise? All right. I'm doing

dark night Monday through Wednesday. and then doing the movie Wanted, I suppose, Thursday through Saturday. That's a new cult classic. It's called Wanted. Look for that in theaters soon. On Sunday, is there like a Larry the Cable Guy movie I could do? I could play his boss. I could say, Larry, stop farting in my office.

What's that? He doesn't produce films north of the Mason Dixon. Got it. All right. Blues bothers 3,000. It's me and Denzel, and we're going to hit the House of Blues. You're joking, but how far. fucking hard. Would you watch that movie? What a great idea.

Probably be into it. Oh, fuck. You got me on Sunday. I can play. I can read your narration. You've got a penguin to talk about. I can talk about penguins for you. And Blues Brothers 3,000. We killed Jim Belushi. Immediately. The film opens, Iris in, as they say in the business. Jim Belushi being burned at the steak. Did you see what they did to James Conn and the Godfather?

Something like that is what I'm thinking. And then I put on his suit and I become. a blues brother sort of like the Santa Claus fuck that's a movie that you get fatter yes he definitely does

he definitely does well I've never had a hoagie before but here I am I'm craving the hogies it would be Morgan Freeman and Denzel and then like they got to recruit like a young blood

and it's like Lil Rel or something sure all of this is fucking great I have a fried chicken and a fried chicken and a Coke dry white I toast. Oh, man.

Talking about wanted. Okay. He hates his life. He hates his life, blah, blah. That's his gimmick. Gimick. It's very relatable. We cut to this other guy who

goes into an office building and he's like, I've seen this guy in a bunch of stuff. He's another Scottish actor. He has sort of floated around and he's been in some things. I don't recall. Perhaps some work with Guy Ritchie. Sure, definitely.

Wait, Mr. X, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. X is from the departed. Yes, he's the guys that are from the departed. He's also in the movie Made with Vince Vaughn and what's his face? And the other guy there? John Favre. Thank you.

Yes, like this pseudo sequel there. They're not the same characters, are they? No, it's just a different. It's like a spiritual sequel. Right? Oh, one of those. And so he goes into this office building. He notices somebody's put a hit out on him.

We finally, we got our first. action sequence with some bullet time because we loved bullet time. This whole movie is bullet time. I think half of the runtime is slow bullets. Yeah, it's really annoying. It sucks. It's super sucks.

This is the last gasp of it, I kind of feel, because we haven't had bullet time in a little while, or maybe I'm nuts. No, I mean, Zach Snyder loves bullet time too. Does he? Well, not really, but he likes slow motion. Yeah, I called it. Right.

Yeah, you guys, bullet time. I guess it's don't thing. And I guess in Johnwick, it's fast bullet. Yeah. It's a Keanu time. Right. Yeah. They're not slowing down. Right. Yeah. They're not slowing down in that other. No, you're on Keanu time. It's Zen bullet time. Exactly. Oh, that's where I know this dude from. He was on a season of Luther. That sounds right. Yeah. Okay. And yeah, he's getting bullet timed up. He winds up. And he goes to this elevator and he does this thing where he does like a super run and he jumps from one building to another. stupid like this is like the matrix like what are we even doing are they actually superheroes if so let's establish that because this guy's like his office is being shot up by another group i guess of secret assassins and he runs down this hallway jumps out of this window crosses an entire city block in the air shooting and killing these dudes that are out on this rooftop to shoot at him

and then he's and then he starts to fall and i'm like well yeah okay so this is his last gasp, he's just jumping out there to shoot them, and now he's going to die. But no, he crashes through a window and then the one left guy up there is like, what the hell happened? And then he gets shot in the back of the head because the guy ran up the fucking stairs that fast already. The first of multiple times

in this movie, and boy, oh boy, is a diminishing returns each time. It's a person with like a close-up. They're staring at the camera, and the fucking bullet slow-mo poops out of their forehead. But that's a lot of bad, that was the time is that it was not. I don't know he had come back with the gear zero yet hadn't happened. Every day is exactly the same as the song. It's an okay song. I like the nine inch nails in this movie. I don't think it should be in this movie, but it's in this movie. I mean, if it's already in there, what am I going to do about it? so you get to phone call

and this guy's like hey he's like yeah you're gonna have to send a lot more people to kill me you motherfucker because I'm a superpowered motherfucker and he's like

yeah fuck you motherfucker and I think it's actual dialogue yeah no that's exact transcription and it's a sniper rifle and he's like

three years away and shoots he's in a story of Queens with this gun and he fires it and it goes through his head

he's like that was a decoy motherfucker motherfucker I'm sorry, we have an edit here, Kretschman. It was a motherfucking fucking decoy, you motherfucker fucker, fuckers. Could you take it again? Fuck you, motherfucker, motherfucker, fucking, motherfucker, that's Thomas Kurchman is his name?

Yeah, yeah. That's cross. If you get a super gun like this, like the tone of this movie needs to be more comical. Yes. It needs to be more, I guess, uplifting it away. If you ever saw The Adventures of Baron von Munchausen, You know, I've never seen it. I really like it a lot.

And there is a guy in that that's like one of the greatest marksmen and you can shoot around the world practically. This is a Galeam movie? Yeah, yeah. And it's like a fairy tale. Like everything's heightened because of that. Right, right, right. And this, everything's heightened, but it's not.

But it's agro. Yes, that's it. The word agro has to be added to every piece of this. It's like, yeah. Because it's not whimsical like a fairy tale would be. It's fucking agro. dark grim horse shit. And still with like what you're presenting

in this movie and I've seen this movie before. Yeah. I had no understanding that this was a world that had superheroes and supervillains. Like I don't understand why you would cut that out and if you did just make this fucking dumb fraternity of assassins

horseshit movie. Exactly. And also like everything has to be that extreme thing. It's not just my girlfriend's sleeping with me like no. Here's a scene of them, fuck it. She's smack it. his ass you know what i mean it's like that's yeah yeah this movie and here's the thing i don't say this often because like like just go for it most of the time sure with movie making but like this movie could easily be pg 13 and it would be totally fine absolutely this is like it's just

like you know what it is it's when you are reading uh a script or seeing a film from someone in like undergrad or it's like a college whatever and it's like oh yeah yeah yeah and it's like oh oh, how will I be taken seriously as an adult artist? I just have to write the word fuck and mother fuck and there's got to be slapping butt cheeks and swinging dicks and fucking bullets pooping out foreheads in slow motion or else I won't be taken seriously as an adult.

This is the thing with all millar properties is that one thing, like, they make fun of energy drinks a lot in this movie. As if the audience for this movie aren't exactly the people who drink that shit all the time. Are they making fun of it? They are not. He is not doing that.

See, that's the thing. It's like, it's like, it's there because that's what world is now. Well, that's the fucking cats drinking Red Bull. One gets shot out of some. Like, yeah. Chris Pratt. Chris Pratt. He feeds.

The girlfriend is like, could you feed Annabelle the cat? And he's like, uh, and he just pour his fucking Red Bull on the floor. You're going to get a heart condition, man. And you know what? Dude, this guy's a fucking piece of shit. Another great example of the agro shit is this girlfriend character. Yeah. Because she's like, hey, man, could we not live on the fucking subway tracks, please?

Because the whole gag is like right outside the window is the tracks for the L. Like Elwood Blues apartment, speaking of the Blues brother. And like, the movie presents it as, like, she's like, can we move, please? I can't sleep. And it's like, get a load of this fucking bitch, right? And you're like, no, man, what are you talking about? If I was living with this piece of shit, I'd be fucking asshole Chris Prattis. well.

Happily. Exactly. A, he's taller, trade up. B. I just come from Steve Zanak. Exactly. Trust me. I hate myself.

The littlest podcaster. What a podcaster. No. Every episode is Steve holding a huge megaphone up to the microphone to sound like his voice is deeper. Do you remember that part

in the Simpsons when Bart has that megaphone and the B flies by it? Yeah. That's me. It's a very tiny person. No. But this reminds me very much

There was this commercial for I think it's when Sega Genesis was just coming out Or it to differentiate it from the other two systems And it was this guy working in an office And it was the boss It was like the same take three different times With three different employees

The boss would come and he goes You're working late tonight And like the Super Nintendo guy goes Oh I'm so uh And he slams the door Whatever that Super Nintendo guy was going home He was fucking his hot wife And he's playing Super Nintendo.

And then he goes, he's like, you're working late tonight. To like the 32x guy or whatever. Or Neil Graphic 16, I believe we were talking about. Oh, that poor slop. And he was just like, oh, yes. Or he was just like a dollar. And he was like, yeah, sure. And the door slams.

And then like it's like, you're working late tonight. And it's the Sega Genesis guy. And he's got like sunglasses. Like, no, I don't think I will be doing that. Roger. And like walks out. And I think, I believe he might be. And he walks right to unemployment.

but like that's and that's what this is it's like fucking cool stuff you want to do in the workplace brother that's very much the first part of this movie yeah so like

the girlfriend also says something and it comes to nothing because it's never really mentioned she's not a character no but she's like did you think about that talk we had and he's like which one

clearly it's probably something about like getting a new apartment maybe getting engaged but like what is he doing that he finds any interaction with his girlfriend to be nagging. Like, what are you doing? You come home from work and you go to sleep and that's all I've seen so far.

So why is it that big of a deal to even care or look for a new apartment? And he doesn't do his work. Like, it's the big thing is like, I... Hey, there's nothing wrong with not doing your work, FYI. Janice is like, hey, could you get me that fucking report? And for like 48 hours, he's like, no, I can't because I'm having a panic attack or something.

But I think he needs an interest of some kind. If he's like a comic book, they say he's geeky. Like, what if he's into comic books and he's reading comic books? And maybe he's like fantasizing about that. Or like he reads a lot or he's a sports nut. Or he's a pervert. Yeah, or he's a pervert. Especially he's a pervert.

He's jerking off all the time. Sorry, I'm trying to find this fucking Sega commercial. Trust me, I've looked for it. I cannot find it. I've wanted to post it a couple times. There's a bunch on YouTube, but I just, I can't tell. If anyone knows it, please fucking post it at us. And by the way, can I just say because...

You're working late tonight! The episode has since aired, Vindication. Fucking Beavis and Butthead versus Wolfenstein is a real fucking thing. Thank you, our listeners, for confirming I'm not a fucking maniac. I'm kind of pissed. There wasn't like a Stewart in there, too. Oh, nice.

I would get that fucking Winger T-shirt all bloody. I would like that. Poor little Stewart. We're cutting between this and then, like, finally, He keeps going back to this pharmacy. The final time he goes to this pharmacy, Angelina Jolie is there, who's playing Fox. This is not the time he goes with Chris Pratt, though,

where Chris Pratt has some fucking heinous remark. And again, the fucking agro fucking fight club shit or people who read fight club incorrectly, which is like, he's like, oh, you know, you ever take one of those morning after pills and like mix it up in a girl's coffee? None's the wiser, better safe than sorry. And I'm like, oh, my God.

How that character gets out of this movie without a fucking bullet in his head? Yeah, I got no idea. He does lose a tooth soon, but. That's pretty funny. And then he's like, he's like, he's using James McAvoy, who's Wesley Gibson or something. That's it. To like, oh, my wallet's gone. Yeah.

Well, he drops the wallet on the floor whilst fucking Wesley's girlfriend. There we go. Yeah. And also, why did she just break up with him? Yeah, so then he makes Wesley buy him condoms. Yeah, and he's like, oh, hey dude, watermelon flavor. You know what I've never done? Talk to the three of you about condom varietals.

Thank God for that. I thought you're going to say you never ate a condom. Well, I've also never done that. Well, no, we had that cone heads contest that time. Oh, I forgot about the cone heads contest. Coatheads contest. How many condoms can you eat? Fucking Cone Testo 2004.

How can I forget? Beld our cone head. You know what? Actually, just thinking about Dan Aykroyd eating condoms. It's how he gets his nutrients these days. You know, I first had to do it on the side of the movie, Coneheads. Then I got hooked on it, baby. I was eating a bunch of strawberry-flavored condoms.

Oh, man, crystal skull condoms, do you. Oh, man, crystal skull condoms. You'll fuck weird tonight. Yeah, there's a skull on the head of the penis. Now, you can see it's a crystal skull condoms. I took a meeting with Dan Aykroyd for Blues Brothers 3,000, and unfortunately, he offered me condoms as if it was chewing gum. Tastes like tequila. He told me it was a Chicago tradition.

I said, you, sir, are Canadian. These tastes like vodka. These tastes like tequila. And I got a whole line of them, maybe. Sausage condoms. Oh, yeah, now we're talking. I haven't seen cone heads. in like 15 years.

I remember it being okay. I know everyone disagrees with that, but I remember it being pretty good. That movie, I think, is pretty fine until they go to the cone head home world. Oh, disagree, my friend. You can fold it up into a little origami boat and fucking put it out to see, dude, no things.

You must narwhal the Garthon. Oh, wow. And he has to fight like the rancor. I think I've only seen that movie like... I don't know if I've ever seen that movie all the way through, I thought it was wretched. I liked it because it's like you got Chris Farley and you got Michael

McKeon. Oh, right. I forgot about Michael McKeon. Spade in there, early spade. I love the fucking gag when who's playing the daughter? Oh, I forget. Is she anybody? Oh, yeah, fuck.

I would hope she's so much. Oh, no, but I almost said like Samantha Mathis, but I know it's not Samantha Mathis. But when she fucking houses that dog or the Subway's family. Bring it back to hoagies. And Chris, while he's got some line about like, oh, the only person I ever saw you to hoagie like

that is my mom. Yeah, kind of funny. A classic example of, I don't know what kind of money Subway had in the mid-90s, but the Subway product placement in Hollywood cinema was through the roof. It was all about brand recognition. You needed people to know it that you can get a sandwich. This fucking cast is out of control on Coneheads. We're just talking about that now.

By the way, it's whether or not you like it, it's a total stay tuned. Oh, for sure. No, definitely. You got Michael Richards, Eddie Griffin, Sinbad, Phil Hartman, Adam Sandler, Spade, we've said. Jane Curtin, obviously. Jay, obviously. I'm skipping those big ones. Drew Carey.

I'm trying to find who played the daughter. Jason Alexander's in this. Oh, you played the daughter, nice. And Jason Alexander is the daughter, dude. No, as the daughter? No. As someone named Stephanie. No, no, no, that's not. I think she's, like, her rival or something, maybe.

Anywho. So, he goes to a pharmacy to get his anti-anxiety medication. And then, sorry, when I was giggling because I was like, how the fact did we get the cone heads? And it was through a weird path of Dan Aykrad eating condoms. Yep. Yeah, that was it. Picking up condoms at the pharmacy. Sorry.

Anyway. And this is the time he's not with Chris Pratt. He meets up with Angelina Jolie, who's like, your life is in danger. Come with me. Lorraine Newman as daughter Connie. Oh, wow. Lorraine Newman. She must have been pretty old at that point. Wow, dude. What a dig.

No, not a dick. I mean, I just don't think she's the right age, but maybe I'm way wrong. She was born in 1952, so you're probably right. Yeah. That doesn't sound right. Anyway. So she grabs him. Thomas Kirchman is there.

She's like, this guy over there who you see, he's trying to kill you. And now we're doing... You see that guy over there? He's trying to kill you. So we're shooting all sorts of stuff. It's a big shootout in the grocery store. This is the part of the movie, which I really will give you a headache, which is James McAvoy screaming for his life.

Oh, dude, it sucks. It's like 25 minutes. And also, this accent isn't fantastic. It is not. He figures it out in that, that, that, uh, that, those Chamelon movies. He does a pretty fun mix of accents. I think it's got to be something where, like, so many of those are cartoonish, though. Yes.

There's nothing here. Newman played the daughter in Esenel. God. It was Michelle Burke in the film. Right. She's in dazed and confused and some other shit. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that's where I know her. One of the Major League movies, I think she's also in. Sure. Maybe the second one. Forget Major League completely. Yeah, that's fine. Really? Those were kind of fine.

Wanted. No one wanted this. Steve, we're talking about 90s comedies. I am not talking about the wild thing on this. podcast. I refuse. That's fine. That's totally fine. So, yeah. Big shootout in this pharmacy. She takes him in his car. He's screaming his bloody head off. This is,

I do not like this movie, if you could not tell. But what I think has some positive qualities here are the action sequences. I truly love her flipping the car around and scooping him up. Yeah. And driving weight. Really? I didn't like it. What? What do you hate fun? Yes. Well, I hate fun. You're working late tonight.

Yeah, you fucking are a little S-N-E-S-N-E-S-Boy. First of all, I didn't see her train to do that. Big negative points. Well, I just thought it's, I feel like this movie is like dark and agro and then super silly with this shit. And I just feel like it doesn't match up tonally. Here's the other thing. Usually when someone is in the situation, I want them to survive. And I want James McEvoy to be dead almost immediately.

I want everyone to die. I want him to be dead. dead all, like, I'm not like, make it Angelene Jolie's movie, honestly. Here's your tonal. She's the best part of the movie by Oh, of course, yeah. Here's your tonal shit, though, is we had that huge action scene. He's fucking screaming

like a maniac the whole time. Camera gun. Did we mention that? Was it a camera gun? Yeah, yeah, she has a camera gun. Yeah. Oh, right. Right. She's using like the screen to sort of see around corners and whatnot. I would rather, if they're doing super assassins, give me crazy tech over fucking curving bullets.

Whatever the movie was called camera gun. Sign me up Angelina Jolie is camera gun camera gun five I'm very surprised the franchise went here's the title

camera gun five low battery oh no they killed my husband and now I have to go back and I know I'm retired well I've been enjoying my retirement

as a wedding videographer now that they've murdered my husband I have to take this camera and put it back on my gun Angelina Jolie in Camera Gun 3 Goin Digital Oh shit dude I'm 35 before that

She's got it hulked on her shoulder like a bazooka This time it takes no time to develop I'm low on SD cards And the cartel is coming after me right now I'll give you an SD Said the terrorist Yeah totally That's a bad franchise I'd watch

I get into camera gun You'd be way better than one Probably. That doesn't take much so. Would you imagine a wanted to? No. This movie made money and there's always, it's one of those things where it made enough money

and all that stuff, but it just never happened. Oh. When she shoots you, she only needs one take. Oh, yes. You just made the movie, Kevin. I think we can sell camera gun. We're going to go. Oh, dude, camera gun six disposable.

It's just someone on a cheap vacation. He's just got a knife on one of those cardboard. Cardboard cameras. And she's just throwing it at people. Dude, and that's when, by the way, Part 6, Disposable, they fucking recast her with Cynthia Rothrock. Yeah, exactly.

It's like a Jason Liv's scenario. She comes back from the dad. It redefines the whole... I thought she died on that yacht at the end of Camera Gun 5. That yacht exploded. That yacht clearly exploded. Everybody in this theater was with me the last time.

We all saw it happen. See, man, you thought that, but she was projecting that from the roof of the place right across from that yacht. She didn't, she was in the water. It would be great if we could like, I know we can't anymore with camera gun, but if we could like tie it into one hour photo.

Oh, yeah. That would be a great villain for her to fight. Right. Or maybe, yeah, we're not too different, you and I. You know, a snapshot was originated as a hunting term. These people, they will selfie themselves

Oh yeah Oh yeah No camera gun two Selfie That's just absolutely That's how that works When you turn the camera Back on yourself

Oh man She fucking commits suicide At the end of Yeah that's what selfie is So she's driving Well the tonal thing I was going to say They have this massive chase scene

Lower Wacker Drive Once again Captured on film Beautiful She does this thing Where she's trying to get away And like To Eric's point

I do think the physics stuff gets way out of control at this point? Oh, absolutely. I think she shoots a bus over and then she like uses the bus as a ramp and now she's driving on top at the bus. Anyone run around? Something. That's in a later when Mac of, after the hour of training we're about to talk about. I think that's, he flips over and shoots from down. I mean, that thing's ridiculous. But just to the, the greatest example I think of the tonal nonsense in this movie is you have this high octane whatever the fuck. Everybody's

saying motherfuckin' slapping asses while doing doggy over a fucking kitchen counter whatever. It's true. And then the gag after this fight scene, like when the chase scene, when the dust settles, if you like Pina-Coladas. And like that's, and she like

rolls up and there's these two dudes like look at this hot lady listening to fucking escape parentheses of the Pina-Colada song. That really starts. with me because it's not even a joke like they're just kind like he lifts they're just listening to a fucking total

baller song yeah you're right but he's not like oh it's like want to race or and like there's no like literally he just looks there's like huh and that's it like there's no big joke there it's supposed that's their version of funny that's a joke yet it's the best scene in the movie

get some nice music I think he passes out in that chase and he wakes up in a warehouse with Morgan Freeman is like all right now I'm totally not crazy, but you need to shoot the wings off these flies. And he's like, what? We'll wait.

It's so dumb. Eat this pound of rotted meat to prove that you're one of us. That I could do. Let me know that recycling is fake, which we all know it is. But like, give him an impossible task that is actually possible

in the world. Maybe. Yes. The shooting wings off of flies, like, what are we fucking doing? The mass doesn't make any sense. The bullet's bigger than the fucking fly. It's impossible. I just don't understand why, like, he does this no problemo. But then I have to watch 45 minutes of him fucking up flipping a bullet around a dead cow.

Well, I think the idea is, because common who's in this film. Of Hell on Wheels. Exactly. And Chicago staple. Yes. Right. I think he should change his name to Rare. Really?

What? Because common. It's like everywhere, dude. Well, his original, like, rap name was common sense. Oh, wow. That's where that started. Dropping some T. Payne as in Thomas Payne. And then Morgan Freeman just went up to him like, just say, common.

It's cleaner. Oh, nice. Do you think Morgan Freeman was responsible for that? No, no, no. I was going to say, I think that happened before he started acting. You think Morgan Freeman's a cool dude to hang out with on set? Absolutely. You're doing wanted and you're like, hey, man, can we just talk a little bit?

about like, you know, absolutely not. Security. Security. You know, I know Jack Nicholson. Fuck off, please. Yeah, dude, I don't think, I think he's a no-nonsense guy. Oh, Jesus, it's like Tommy Lee Jones. Is he infamous for this?

Infamous, no-nonsense. That was why someone posted a thing the other day was genius. They were like, this proves, yeah, because he's a known, like, I'm serious. We're just making this movie. The Jim Carrey thing? Well, the Jim Carrey thing, yeah. But someone posted this thing. that was like, this is proof of the magic

of Will Smith. Here's photos of them filming men in black together and it's a scene of them sitting on a park bench and Tommy Lee Jones is laughing his balls off and something Will Smith is saying and they're just paling around but like he's not like famously an asshole but just like I'm here to work. I cannot suffer

your buffoonery or whatever it is. Sanction, excuse me. And he famously has a tontine with Eastwood so they're kind of all even yield. What the hellfish bananas? Garner's already out. They turned his key. Yes, I already, and I do know Eastwood, Unforgiven.

You know. Oh, maybe you've heard of this Mr. Sense called Unforgiven. The great movie. It's Clint's a friend. Go away. I'm filming three more movies this afternoon. That's the thing. I'm trying to get my lines ready for this afternoon.

Once you're that big, you don't have time for commoners anymore. Oh, unless they're commoners. Listen, Mr. McAfee. It's McAfee. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah, I'm not going to update my security software. You little bug.

Wait. Shoot these wings off that bug, you bug. Don't blow your line again. I'm Morgan Freeman. Kind of a jerk. Oh, just don't try to tell me how to say the director's name. Whatever you do, don't you dare. You know what?

I will give you one piece of advice, McAfee. Call them T-Dogs. You're totally fine. That way you never have to learn his name And he thinks you think he's cool Yes it is a Timor Tim, it's Tim Tim back man enough

Cool That'll work Ah yes Angelina I see you over there Don't you think for one second now That just because you and I both think Your father's a piece of shit That we can be friends Your father fucking sucks the devil's ass

And I don't want to talk to you By the way Tell you your husband Brad I said hello from the movie Seven. And also tell them California, get away from here. He'll get it.

Wait, you want me to tell him that the movie seven said hello? Yes, that's how I refer to people. Oh, Morgan said hi? Oh, that's great. Boy, nobody talks to me. Brad Pitt is a dog. Yeah, sure.

I'm just hanging with Jonah Hill these days. Are you serious? Morgan's asking after me? That is a Mr. Freeman, if you've ever. I think you guys are right that Brad Pitt probably has got like a dog energy to him. Yeah, oh, totally. I think he was reincarnated from a dog. That could be.

He's got a dog's soul. He's like one of them lassies. Sure. Maybe a dog's purpose. Oh, Jesus. I can't watch those. It's Dennis Quaid. He's following this dog and then it just turns into Brad Pitt at the end.

It's like Benjamin Button, but with a dead dog. I think he's like Meet Joe Black 2. Yeah. So he shoots... Good physics in that movie, by the moment. Oh, my God. How that was allowed to exist. It's hilarious.

He shoots the wings off this fly. Why he's able to do it, by the way, is because common has a gun to his head. Oh, right. And that sort of, like, acts accentuates his sort of flight or flight thing. Well, these panic attacks that he's been suffering, we're told, are not panic attacks. I guess this is, like, the closest you get to superpowers.

It's like, they say something about, like, Her, his heart was beating 400 beats per minute. Yeah. And it helps him. So was Belushi's at the end there, by the way. That's how that goes. This is just, by the way, yikes. But this is just activating bullet time.

Yeah, whenever this happens, it's like you're new to playing the video game Max Payne and you accidentally keep hitting the bullet time when you're not supposed to. How have we not done Max Payne the film yet, by the way? We have to. Mark Wahlberg's in that movie? Yeah. I never saw it.

It's really boring, but we should be doing it. It reminds me of the movie Hitman, which is another video game adaptation. How's we not done Hitman? Did you see the fucking hilarious stuff with Tim Oliphant talking about that movie? No. So I guess if I'm remembering reading the interview right,

they're doing Deadwood and he bought a big house. And then Deadwood was immediately canceled after that third season. He was like, fuck, I got this house. And so he just started saying yes to all these movies, including fucking Hitman. And he says something like, and then I find myself in fucking the Czech Republic with a shaved head making some piece of shit assassin movie. Like he all out just takes a dump on it.

And I was like, ooh, note to self. Hitman's definitely an episode. So whatever. Basically, they're like, this is the league of special assassins. Sure. The fraternity were called. Did someone say league? We, your father was part of us.

your father was killed. FYI, he wanted you to be part one of us. He left all of his assets in your name, blah, blah, blah. Talk to you tomorrow. Now, before you get the money, though, you will have to pick up as a part of the fraternity. You'll have to pick up this pickle with your asshole and bring it across the room.

And then you're going to have to do a kegstand in front of Angelina here. Do it, Probe. That'd be amazing. Smack your bottom with a photo. A fucking freshman Now I'm gonna play a game called The Asshole It's cards but you have to put like a

You're gonna put a little A cotton of beer on your head there So everyone knows you're the asshole So the next day what you'll have to do is that You're gonna have to dress up in a maid outfit And come and serve me a beer every hour And then I will be spitting in your asshole Whenever you come by in the costume

What? It's frat stuff dude You don't understand, man. Hey, we're doing frat stuff. It's frat stuff. It's hazing. Hazing. Clos as I ever got to a frat was getting kicked out of a party three times.

Yeah. Not too shabby. I don't like Beetlejuice. But you still attended. Yikes, dude. He technically attended three times. I know. That's crazy.

Who else had three invites? That's like attending a hate march. When I had zero invites. Oh, right. That was the problem. That's the king. Yeah. So he goes home.

He wakes up. He wakes up. He's like, wow, what a crazy dream that was. Can I, yeah, can I ask you right there? Because this happens multiple fucking times in this movie. Who's bringing him home? Who is magically dragging him home? Common is. He picks, come on, put your shoes on, James.

I think that's rat boys. Oh, oh. The Russian guy. I think that's him. Okay, yeah, this Russian character. The exterminator. He keeps rats. He likes to keep them as pets. He's got a holster with a rat in it, which is pretty cool, pocket rat. But he also likes blowing them up.

Yes, which is very weird. Well, you think if he likes rats, he, wouldn't blow them up, but he likes to cover them in peanut butter and plastic explosives. The Russian guy was the protagonist of the movie Daywatch on Nightwatch. Yeah, and the characters is a connected universe? I do not

believe so. Constantine Kabinsky. So now he checks his bank account, which he's done before. He's only had 16 bucks, been there. They do a fucking dumb thing there, too, that first time he checks the old, the ATM. They kind of fucking rip it off from the Stephen King movie there, Maximum Overdrive.

Oh, right. Where the ATM is like, You have $7 because you're a fucking loser. And your girlfriend's fucking your best friend. You fucking loser. This machine just called me an asshole. Now put a cat in me. Oh, yes, American Psycho, better movie. Big hands down.

At least that movie's agro, but it's got a point to it. You know what I mean? Exactly. That's how you do that thing. Yeah, that they're emotionally empty. No, this makes him awesome. That's the problem is he's like a neelist piece of shit. Before he gets all this power and money,

Nealist, nice. You hear that guys? Yeah. You say nealist like that? Is that like the high English pronunciation? I think it might be. Nialist. Oh, you say nihilist?

I say nihilist. Mainly because I learned that movie, that word in middle school when I saw the Big Lebowski. Oh, garage. Oh, did you do, Mr. Frenchman.

No, Donnie. These men are nihists. They believe in nothing. So he winds up, he gets $3 million dollars and he feels like hot shit. goes into his office and you know you could just quit to your boss you could be like hey boss yeah fuck you i'm not doing this thing but no he's got to be like you fat fucking pig and all this

shit see that's a big scene throughout the office like everyone can see this going on now listen and the fucking the fat shaming is not cool here but a fabulous fucking like quitting your job scene i have no problem with sure you don't need to fucking insult her physically but You're a fucking piece of shit. And by the way, Rhonda, everyone in this office hates your rotten fucking guts. That's the great move, too. You don't just burn the boss. You burn the entire fucking floor.

I don't just hate you. They all do. They're just scared to tell you. This is what it should be. It should be like, all right, I'm joining an assassin fraternity. Who's coming with me? Who's coming with you? And every time somebody raises their hands, they get shot in the head by an unseen sniper?

Oh, damn. I shouldn't have that one. I shouldn't have invited them. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Angelina. Stop. Stop. Stop. It's a singer fraternity. He also grabs his ergonomic keyboard and smashes Chris Pratt's like Chris Pratt? Yeah.

I was very afraid that I got it wrong. Nope, you're fine. Also, Steve, this is a safe space. We get stuff, words wrong all the time. He tries to give him a high five, and instead of giving him a high five, he smashes his face with the keyboard. That's fucking funny. It's fun. flies out and oh dude the words

fuck yo and then the tooth is the you oh really the tooth stupid you didn't see that it's like slow motion and all the things yeah so I hope that scene soured on you now they were still awesome

the worst person you went to high school with loved that of course you got him you fucking got him it's fucking funny man maybe that means I'm the worst person you went to high school with but Chris Prack gets slapped to the fucking face

with an ergonomically correct keyboard. If it happened in real life, sure. Chris Cabin, you went to high school with Andrews. Please let us know if he is the worst person you would die. I'm not even close. All right. Thanks, buddy. Who is the worst? Check the board.

We asked 100 people who the worst first you went to high school with. And the problem is actually, it's a Joseph. No one knows who that is. Okay. Unfortunately, mine is still alive. We got a hundred different answers. These should be... Guys, these need to be more generic questions.

It's got to be like the jock. The cheerleader, you know. And if somebody says, my dad, that's good enough. Don't get the dad's name. Show me the principal. No, it's principal Fitzroger's. Ooh, Fitzroger's. It's an Irish town.

Fitz Rogers? Like I said, you cannot say Jim Fourth. that's very specific to your place. I think this is our worst episode. So he's back at the textile mill and there's this like dumb ass whole thing

where like McAvoy's walking through and they're like business as usual at the textile mill and Morgan Freeman's like playing floor manager and he's like now see here California you got to take that piece of thread there that's an error in the thread

count there. I'm going to have to take that. He's like doing like work notes and shit is it an error in the thread count or is it a mysterious message from the gods of who we should kill next i just don't even understand what the point of this is because they're all in on it and then he's like it makes no sense either way yeah he has some line where he goes do you make sweaters or do you kill people and they all fucking stop dead like this dude just took a dump on the floor yeah and it's like they're like oh he said ooh and it's like no you're all in on it yeah stop it's both You make great sweaters, and you kill people.

So this is when we finally got the very long training montage. One guy is called the repairman who ties them to a chair and beats the shit out of him. That's kind of fun to watch. There's another guy who's a knife guy. Which I'm really bummed that that dude wasn't just named Lugosh. I thought he should be named Big Fat Butcher. Yeah, Big Fat Butcher would work. The BFB, dude, directed by Stevens Spielberg.

All right, here's a question. It's about a big fat butcher running across the land. camera gun v big fat butcher that's what we're doing doing crossovers now absolutely no and I'd sign on for all of colon pork shot pork shot

you know who I thought this was for a second because the first time you see him very far away I thought it was Rocco from Boondock Saints oh that was Mark Boone Jr. for a second oh really? No he was busy filming fucking dark night down the way you know I can do two movies

at once too. Just like Morgan over here. That's, uh, Mr. Boone Jr. That's, uh, Mr. Freeman to you. Kids don't like falafel. Yes. Yes. Um, but so there's that. Uh, we meet uh, up with mouse guy and mouse,

there's this thing. It's very convenient to this movie. It's kind of cool. This weird like wax bath you take. But again, I'm still, I mean, we're like fucking 50 minutes into this movie and I still am not understanding because they make no effort to tell you. that this is a world where, like, superpowers can happen.

So I kind of just think it's like a lazy matrix. Yes, it is. But then you've got this, like, healing booth. Like, fucking Razagool, dude. It is a lazy matrix. It's exactly lazy matrix. Lazy matrix, dude. It's just fucking Neo and a fucking little donut on a river.

Drinking a fucking Corona. Sunday, fun day, the Matrix. You know, it's not all just kung fu and running around the leather affid. Sometimes we wear board shorts. No, I don't know Kung Fu, but I do know James Patterson novels. We need time for us, Morpheus. I want you to hit me as hard as you can. Okay, so that you have 21.

Yes, we've been gambling. Yes, you know what, Joe Panteliano? I will sit down and have a delicious, juicy steak with you. It's Sunday Fonday in the Matrix. I'm wearing sweatpants You gotta recharge dude Yeah totally absolutely Otherwise you're just gonna burn out man

It's all living in the Matrix It's all about self-care Morphys is this the wasteland No this is actually just my man cave We're just gonna be hanging out here for a while Morpheus what do you think about all of my neon beer signs That's right

Neo sit down we're watching the game Yes, I do have DirecTV, Neo, where we can watch, that's right, eight games at once for some reason. One of them are like circuits, just actual circuits. The circuit ball, dude, it's just little microchips on a little football field. Oh, the neurons did it. I would honestly buy a ticket for like a low stakes matrix. Oh, absolutely. Like, I know all of them have been such high stakes.

world saving shit but just give me like fucking just chilling out or not even just chilling out just give me something really low stakes in general. Neo, thanks for coming over

to my house in the Matrix. This Sunday we're going to put together this picnic table. Right, like maybe it's like a housewarming party in the Matrix.

That's fun. Everyone has a good time but it gets a little tense. A little tense. Yeah, but Morpheus is really excited to show off all the yard work he's been doing.

Oh yeah, dude. fucking just sitting tomatoes coming in baby got a fire pit going some fucking andorondek chairs

a couple beers yeah at the end of the night we're just talking about stuff I like looking at the stars like isn't it funny that none of those are real

ow I just got bit again somebody re-light that citronella candle does this work does this work why are there bugs in the matrix how do I get bit by a fake fucking bug

no tank no tank you don't piss five feet away from the circle you've got to go either further back or you know what go into the house the house has a fucking bathroom in it yeah mouse mouse

get me another drink that's what you do you can't drink so you get me a drink mouse switch load up the protocol where my skin smells like dddd not like this but like really like the matrix

there's a lot of training in that movie and clearly they're replicating it but like they make it visually dynamic where this is just all a slop house. It is at a slop house. It certainly is. And it's the same thing over and over again. And like

he gradually sorts to kind of get better at it. I mean, most of this is just some dude punching him in the face. Yes. It's some dude punching him in the face. He takes a wax bath and then all of his fucking wounds are magically healed because it's full of fucking Jesus juice. And he never learns karate. But later in the movie,

he's doing karate. I'm like, well, that's just a Jesus juice. Laid back Sunday in the Matrix. With some holes in my hand some holes in my feet. Wow. Christ on the cross this episode. Mr. Anderson, I'm learning to relax.

Get me another brew dog. He's just like in a binary hammock. Mr. Anderson, things got too wild at the barbecue last night and after everyone left I made out with myself in the kitchen.

Make that a double cheese burger, Mr. Anderson. Agent Smith relaxing is just him with his tie off. That's it. Neo's wearing a fucking apron while he's grilling. It says Code the Cook. Yes.

I would love this. Totally. And then, you know, he's playing ping pong. He's playing beer pong. And he keeps getting beaten by Agent Smith, but finally he starts seeing ones and zeros. Mr. Anderson, I'm getting very drunk now. Yeah, he like picks up

The agent Smith picks up the ping pong, and he's just like, it's the smell. Also, it rolls on the ground and it's got hair on it. Oh, God damn it, the Oracle is coming. Who invited the Oracle? I don't want to want smoking in my house. She never listens to a simple request, okay? There's a smoking patio. I don't mind smokers.

She's not in the house. She always asked my friends to dance with her. Oh, great. Now it's in the rugs. It's in all the rugs. At least they're fake rugs. Yeah, you can just reinstall those rugs. Factory default settings.

You know, Neo, I know this isn't a cheeseburger, but then it's just a series of brains. Shut up, Cipher. I am trying to defrost this fucking chicken. guys someone take the phone for me trinity needs directions i can't do this right now the grill is ready it's go time and then we cut to them on the nebuchadnezzar being forced fed fucking oatmeal oh i would you know what dude i've said it before i'll always hit i would never get out of that matrix never never you can take your freedom fight and shove it up your ass

So whatever He's doing all this stuff This is when we finally go into this room And Morgan Freeman's like You know you would think that this Secret Society of Fraternity Has a pretty cool idea behind it It doesn't

It's a magic loom Oh man What are we even thinking And it's like Oh you see this part in the textile Here's a magnifying glass If you look at it It's actually a binary code

I didn't understand this for shit I didn't understand this at all If the thing goes under That's an A if it goes over that to be and that kind of goes on or whatever. But how do you know which part to look at? You don't. It's nonsense. It is total shit. He pulls out like a

fully built handkerchief. And it would make sense it was like, you know, there's three dudes in Rome who send me signals and who to kill. That would be fine. There's a high council. But it's like, no, no, fate does it. So this loom is just going to do stuff and I'm going to murder it. It's like arbitrary. It's like

son of Sam shit, basically. My loom is talking to me. Where's all this material coming from? Is it coming directly from the sky? Yes, heavencloth. Heaven cloth, great. Fantastic. And he's like, yeah, if you do the code,

it's kind of like a crossword puzzle, then you get a name, just a proper name of someone, like Robert Dean Warren. There's probably 50 of those in the United States, but I know it's this guy who's in the fucking right around the corner. Who would have guessed? Yeah, they're all in Chicago, which is weird.

They're all the city limits, dude. I couldn't even believe it. Maybe every city's got like a super loom. Oh, see, and that's if they did a secret. dude you'd hate it as much like John Wick they would expand the world oh my god could you imagine of loom killers oh you got one

of these magical looms I can't repair this you're gonna have to talk to Jesus himself oh wow that'd be cool taking it upstairs dude if Christ was in this movie better Christ is everywhere dude so yeah Christ was in this movie and in that loom

very good there but yeah like the idea is and like Spoiler alert for the end of the movie is Morgan Freeman gets his own name on the loom Somehow and he's the only one watching the machine And he's like, well, we're just going to ignore that Which I would do 100 times out of 100 And there should be a thing also

Where that happens like within the movie somehow And you see Morgan Freeman like lights that little strip of fabric on fire Yeah And burning messages here But it doesn't matter because it doesn't seem like anybody else But him and James McVoy can read it Yeah it's like oh well John F. Kennedy They got to go, brother.

You're totally right, though, Cabin. They never established, like, that all of them can read this. Or where the, like, and again, to Chris's point, is the one loom just located in Chicago for this ancient society? Or is it worldwide?

I don't know, man. This thing reeks of Italy. There is a point in the film where, later on, where they find the bullet casing from, who will end up being James McAvoy's real father. Sure. Spoiled it. Oh, my God.

You're supposed. Boiled it. Christ is here. Don't worry. And you find out it's like someplace in old Europe. Yeah, sure. Switzerland.

Yeah, the bullet originated from there which was the first fucking loom factory or whatever. Oh, right. Yeah, right. So it does have a point of origin, but it's ill-defined if there's anyone else

actually making this fucking cloth that tells you to kill people. If you remember there's a room full of alpacas that are just in a room that's where the fucking thing is coming from. We need more alpacas. One alpaca, like, sees

like somebody do something nefarious and then, like, turns to the other alpaca and they meet eyes and it's like, and then the other response like, and then the loom starts going. You see, Mr. Gibson, there are no gods, only alpacas. The alpacas are

our gods. The alpacas are angry today, my friends. Three names. All packers, we call them. They tell us what to do. A mother- and her children. Alpacas, please, I beg you. No, that's it. The alpacas are soaking.

You have to go to this preschool. And burn it down. God damn it, dozer. I fucking told you. I hadn't seen Ghostbusters 2 before. How about a fucking spoiler alert? Fucking coming over here for Matrix Movie Tuesdays. Matrix Movie Tuesdays. They just get together.

I love it, too. Movies inside a VR machine. That'd be amazing. You know, you know what? Like it or not. you're still going to burn Oh, yes. Oh, man.

Just hanging out at Morpheus and Neo's apartment. And by burn, I mean, watch burn after reading. Have a seat. It's Matrix movie Tuesdays. Oh, my God. Look at George Clooney's fuck swinging this movie. No, Neo. We're going to watch Bushwhack.

I think you can only get that in the Matrix. Yeah. It's the only place where Bushwrecked exists before. You've got to plug in to watch Daniel's turn go down, dude. The little place it's screaming. Oh, you search your Roku? All right, it's not on Amazon. It's not on Amazon.

Oh, it's in the Matrix. Okay, so put me in. Just put this giant plug in the back of my skull. That's how badly I need to watch this Boy Scout comedy. I mean, these subscription costs are insane for the Matrix. It's like $2,500 a week. So whatever He gets trained in the thing

He starts to kill people He kills this one guy This is one of those things Where he does the car flip over the thing Well the first one It's a bullshit fake out Where it's like Okay you gotta kill this dude

And he's like Hey man Lume said you gotta kill him This is Robert Dean Richard Dean Anderson Robert Dean Darren or whatever The dude that's around the box Robert Dardarian He's gonna be in the fifth window

or whatever this office conference room and you have to shoot them. So they're like standing on the top of the L and like they go around the corner and then it cuts and it's like, well, what did he ever do? And like Angelina Jolie tells this fucking meticulously long story about how like the alpacas are telling us what to do. Her dad was murdered and it turned out it was because someone from the fraternity was supposed to kill the guy that killed her father like two weeks before. but the guy didn't take the shot or whatever. I guess she got branded or something, too. Yeah, because this serial killer was like branding everybody

or whatever the move is. But then it's like an editing thing because it's like, nope, tricked you. He asked that question before they got on the train and it comes back to that shot and he flips the bullet around and kills this businessman or whatever. I would like to think that this guy's just because of like

the office setting that he's in and he appears to be like just some like white-collar rich prick, this guy's dabbling in child pornography. Oh, okay. Or some kind of sex trafficking. Or banking. Oh, that could be. Yeah, banking.

I don't know how petty the loom can get, right? It's like, oh, yeah, this guy has to be assassinated because, I don't know, he cheated on his taxes. Exactly. Well, it was like, well, this is the only way to keep chaos at bay or something or other. By the way, don't ask too many questions. Magic loom and all. So, wait, wait, so the world is as it is because you've been keeping order? This is order?

You're doing it. job fraternity up the bullet care where you're sure you're sure his name isn't on it nope no all right Trump's getting another term that's it that's it stability out of chaos

by the way all of this is all fucking based in Chicago all these characters in Chicago not one fucking accent am I here that's bullshit like I don't hear any of it there is so much gun violence in Chicago oh my God have you heard of the fraternity

okay so alpaca you're telling them what to do. And they talk about the Matrix ad nausea. I never understood that film. Whatever. He's like, can I finally kill the guy who killed my dad? And he's like,

fine. That's like the mission. Yeah, he's in Switzerland. And then he goes, then as he's leaving, he goes to Angelina and Jillian and he's like, guess what? The loom spit out two names. You got to kill James McAvoy. Hey man, Loom said it. And no, you can't read it. Only I may read it.

I already ate it. You can't see the notice because I consumed it. Oh, no, no, no. It's the apacas don't want you to see it. It's important that you don't see it. All right, alpacas. Clomp twice if you want Angelina Jolie to read it. No clump, but that's just the one clop.

It's just one clump. I asked for two. So before they go out on this mission to Switzerland or Sweden or wherever they go, Switzerland is there? there's a whole thing where he has to go back to the apartment that he used to share

with the lady friend to get a gun out of a toilet for some reason and like he stomps in and she's like oh Mr. Big Man and your big balls

coming back oh what's this a hooker like this whole thing and then like this makes no sense Angelina Jolie I guess feels bad for him

and just starts making out with him to like shut this lady up or whatever And I guess because this lady knows, right? Like, hookers don't kiss. So, like, that's got to be, like, no lip stuff, right? This also plays into the whole, like, office worker in-sill fantasy where it's, like...

Of course it does, dude. Chad and Stacey and all that horseship. You're right. What was it as a Chad and a... I think it is a Stacey or maybe that up. Chad, I know for sure. I don't know about the Stacey part. The girlfriend?

Yeah. Kathy. Oh, no, no, no. If you're... I thought you with a girlfriend in this movie No, it's an online thing

What is the Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, way, way, way, way, what? What are you talking about? Where have you been the last five years? Using safe parts of the internet Not being indoctrinated And the hate coldness? It's a Chad and like a virgin or what is it?

Chad and the Virgin Okay, so the, and the virgin is depicted as like a scrawny dude And it's like, it's like a meme format where it's just all like the attributes He's like a weenie, like, very skinny. And the Chad is like a big hunky dude. People are getting plastic surgery over this meme and you don't know about. Oh, that I know about. Chad

Constit. Oh my God, I'm on incells. Dot wiki. Holy shit. You're on a list. Throw that phone in the garbage. Jude, you just got a new home page. Steve, when you leave tonight, you have to throw that cell phone under the subway. Put it in the toilet tank.

A Chad constitutes anything from an 8 to 10 on the day style scale. The polar opposite of a true cell and blah blah. He's your high school bully basically. Okay. And then he tends to go for Stacey's Oh, you're right.

And by the way, though, I want to introduce into the into this lexicon are the Cathies who are also the Stacey's mom. They got it going on, I heard. Stacey and what was the virgin version of that, Becky? Yes,

it is a Becky, you're right? What is wrong with these people, aside from everything? They've seen the movie wanted three times. I've only seen the movie wanted once. If you watch this movie two more times, you turn into an insult. And I would like to clarify, I saw it in its entirety for this program, but I recalled when I saw it in the theater, that's right, uh, uh, in theaters. I saw it in the theater too. You guys are one watch away, my friend.

This is why it doesn't count. I would like to think it doesn't count. I took a hearty nap through most of this movie. Got it. So much so that as I was watching it this morning with a nice cup of black coffee. Very good. Nice. I was like, oh, wow. Oh, this happened? Oh, and this? Oh, I don't know that. I don't remember that. So I like to think that this was one situation. Okay, that's good. I didn't remember anything about this, but I do agree that they wanted virus is already inside of me. I can't ever go back. If I do it once more, once more, I'm going to be poisoned. This explains it right here. I'm looking at the IMB tribute. June the 27th, 2008.

This was an air conditioning situation. Oh, of course, yeah. And it was playing. I used to have this like pass that would get me into a couple theaters for a buck 50. Sure. It was a dollar 50 theater.

You used to? They revoked that shit. I still have it. I just don't use it anymore. So he goes to Switzerland. He finds Terence Stamp of all people who's in this movie now. Because you know what, dude,

Terence Stamp will do your fucking sub-tier comic book movie. Exactly. His plays stick in that election. It's a theatrical release. Did we gloss over the train fight? We're getting there now. Oh, we're getting there now.

Which is about to happen. So, like, he... Train fight coming. He kidnaps, uh, uh, Terran Stamp who, like, is the maker of the bullet. He's like, you have to set up a meeting with this cross guy because we're going to kill him. And it's him and Angelina Jolina. He's like, okay, cool.

He does. And at this point, this is the train fight. Right. It gets really silly, really quickly. This is brutal, though. Yeah. I mean, the innocent. bystander body count

in this scene these people are no heroes they are not just put it out there this ain't your daddy's fucking I don't know assassin movie luckily they can curve bullets

so now we have James McAvoy versus this dude cross Thomas Crouchman or whatever this is the dude that he's been assigned to murder

right this is the guy who supposedly assassinated his father who will later find out is actually his father but they are constantly shooting at each other and the bullets

keep on hitting each other other and like mushing together. And this is the thing where like you do with that first time, not in this scene, but in like a scene maybe like 40 minutes ago. You get that once. Yeah, it's like, okay, that's kind of a cool. Yeah. Cool thing. But like

now they're using it as like defense mechanisms. Yeah. It's like Perry, Perry. Thrust. Thrust. It's so fight with guns. It is. Yeah, you're right. You're right. And then Angelina Jolie drives her car into the train. Speaking of the Blues Brothers, dude. Yes. We're in a truck.

and how this is the end of the movie I'm like okay cool I'm like putting my shoes on yep ready to go out and then it's like oh no the train topples over something it falls off the track while they're going over a ravine

and it's precarious and he's trying cross is trying to save McAvoy and it's like what and McAvoy takes that opportunity to shoot him in the heart and he's like by the way I was always

your father and he's like what it's kind of a great moment here because he's like, what the fuck did you say? And the dude's just dead. There's no like second line from this guy. Yeah. And well, he killed his father, so great. Yep.

That's the movie. Good job. And he goes, while the father was pulling him up and he shoots him in the chest. It's just fucking shitty. Meanwhile, scores are dead. Oh, yeah. This was a packed train. And then he's like, dude, I just kill my father.

And she goes, yep, and just shoots like the bottom. He's standing on a window and he falls through it. he shoots it. Oh, does he? Because Angelina Jolie's been assigned to assassinate him. And she's like, yep, and he goes, don't think so. And he shoots the glass and they fall down

into the river. And this is another thing where again, he drops from a thing, he's battered, bruised, and beaten, falls under water and then he just fucking wakes up somewhere. And I'm like, who keeps picking this guy up? For a moment there while they were dropping, I thought he was going to surf his father's body.

That's what it kind of looks like having it, because like the father's falling and it looks like his feet are on top of him, and I was like, surf that corpse. We're going surfing. Surfing dad today. That'd be awesome. Surf's up, big cahuna. That would be funny to remake the

entire, the Indians, the endless summer, and it's just them on corpses. I would take it on the big waves. Dad corpses. You know, when I decided to redistribute endless summer, I thought, you know, it'd be kind cool, use computer technology to take out all those

surfboards and put in some corpses. Yeah, now you're just surfing corpses. We didn't have the technology at the time to have actual corpses. If you look closely, one of them's Anakin. You got to look closely now. He's a dad. Ironically enough, he's the

one with the high ground. Yeah, he's up on the tidal way. This is a great time to bring up the fact that I have a new album coming out. It's a surf rock album called Surf and Sybald. Oh, man. Surf, surf, surf, surf, surf, surf in suburb. Surf, surf, surf, surf, surf, surf.

We're racing cars and the little pots and a surf, surf, surf, surf, surf, surf, surf in subbobah. Salt Lake City, USA. Well, that's it. Music is canceled. Four good. All sweeping reform. That is so wizard. So he does wake up in this bath, and it's in his father's house.

And Terence Stembers is like, yes. I'm in this movie for exactly one more minute, so let me give you a little more exposition. He's got his hat, he's tag in his shoes. What's that? Oh, yes, hang on. I'm getting ready to leave. I'll tell you what you need to know in a second.

Oh, my Uber is here. Can you just put it together yourself? I've got three more minutes. Oh, no, that was that. He did a little jump there. No, I'm leaving now. It's so stupid, though, because I guess you're supposed to believe then

that it's fucking old-ass Terrence stamp That, I don't know, jumped down into that river, retrieved his body, brought him back to Chicago. Exactly. From Switzerland? In a biplane, I guess. I don't know. Put him on his back like a Sherpa? It's like, what the fuck is going on here?

It's so stupid. And he's like, yes, that's right. It was Morgan Freeman is the evil one the whole time. Goodbye movie. He's vanishes a cloud of smoke. Now, how do I get to the A from here? And he's like, um, Terry, said, one more questions. why would you say that to me

when you know I will kill you for it Little Superman 2 ref Nice dude Generals are And you tell him I'm not fucking coming Limey reference That's what I'm gonna parry

You then have a thing where he sees He like takes a jacket out of a closet And he's like got no shirt on But he's wearing this leather jacket And he's looking like Yeah this will do But then he sees he sees he sees he turns the light off in the closet and he sees

some light spilling in through a little corner there and he opens it up in the secret room that has like all the blueprints to so you wanted to blow up the magic loom like he's got the blueprints for the third act of the movie. God, I hate

this fucking movie. You're in the right place then. Oh, good. And he's like, oh that's right, the rats. By the way, sometime in the middle of the movie he kills the rat king. Oh, on accident. Yeah. A real boner jam there. So it's like, okay, I'm going to grab all these rats.

He gets a garbage truck. How many rats is this? It's a lot of rats. This is like thousands. They show him go back to the grocery store and he's like buying all this peanut butter. Buying all these rats. Here's the thing is I feel like it's not exactly like buying a bunch of suit of food from a pharmacy, but if you get like more than 10 containers of peanut butter

at once, someone is like, excuse me, sir, are you okay? Yeah. Hi. When he's just coming to this office, we're just going to talk for a minute. That's like, you know, sometimes you get a wonder. When I buy it, I do like five at this grocery store, four at that one. You have to. You cannot get like 30 containers of peanut butter.

Hi, are you right? But I feel like that's every item. Like, even if you did that with Schwepp's ginger, I'd be like, are you okay? I wanted to ask this one guy, dude. It was the eve of like a massive snowstorm a couple years ago. And it was like, I was coming home from work. and it was late, it was super late, and they were holding the grocery store open

because everybody was like buying shit, and it was like, all right, you're getting home from work, you know, we kind of need, oh, goodbye like this, this and that, just so we have some stuff for the house, we're going to be snowing and whatnot. And the place was crazy, right? Everybody was like buying shit or whatever.

I get online, and the dude in front of me is just checking out with a massive, like, bulk pack of toilet paper. Gotta do it. At least three things of peanut butter. And then like six huge three-liter bottles of orange soda. And I'm like, sir, you're preparing for this like snow apocalypse and that's what we're doing? Wait, were you in front of, wait, you were behind me in line?

Yeah, it was really weird that you were in my neighborhood grocery store. Those are like my three favorite things. So, yeah, he's like the pied piper of peanut butter here. He's fucking lathering up this dump truck with peanut butter and all these little CGI rats are climbing up. It's kind of adorable It's not bad The rats actually kind of look good Like stop motiony a little bit

I think it's probably a mix of like some puppetry Because that's part of Timor Whatever's his name's kind of like calling card there He did that nine movie Oh Oh he worked on that Yeah I think he's a director of that Do you direct that movie?

No No did it make the little The little guy thing? Yeah I thought so I don't think that's him I'm gonna find out And what was this called again? Nine

Nine it was like a Stop no it was a stop motion Times. No. He did Wanted. Then he did Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Then he did a Lincoln Park video. He did that Ben Hur remake in 2016.

Toledo. Speaking of Morgan Freeman, I think. Yeah, he's in it. Oh, is that right? Him and the Young Houston, Jack Houston. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and then he's kind of made nothing. So I don't know who made it.

It's also stupid, too, because you have that whole thing at the beginning issue of the movie where the exterminator guy, this Russian dude, is like, you see how he does the whole, like, rat bomb thing and he, like, straps a little wristwatch to it. When McAvoy finds this closet space, you see that the dad has been working at collecting, like, tons of fucking wristwatches. And you're like, you know what, man, why not give me every little juicy detail of what this is going to be? Yeah. And have some kind of a surprise for this finale. No. Or maybe have your hero do something? Nope. Not just open a door and like, oh, here's my finale. All I have to do is put this shit together, fantastic.

Thanks, Dad. It's not really a hero's journey in that way. It's a dad's journey. A Dad's Journey, dude, also with Dennis Quaid. It's a Dad's Journey. It's about a Dad who dies by being thrown in a river. It's reincarnated to be a better dad the next time. I like that. Oh. I've been meaning to watch those Dog Death movies. not me man like john wick for dogs yeah

well john wick is also john wick for dogs oh that's actually very true but maybe on the show one day you know we get into a little dog's purpose not watching that shit I'm not doing it no so I'm barking up the wrong tree if you want to go like home or bound

where there is a dog death in the finale but those movies are just about dog there is a what's the difference trick you dog death oh okay oh yeah you're right the shadow because the um uh the

Michael J. Fox dog and this Kathy or Sally Field cat come back. And then the oldest boy is like, oh, where's Shadow? Where's Don Amici? And you think he's fucking dead because he fell in that fucking hole, dude. And then this dog comes limping over the fucking crest of the hill. And there is a dry eye in the house. And you fucking thought this was for children. Disney, you fucking cannibals.

Hold on to say, why are you okay with Homeward Bound and not a dog's purpose? a dog's purpose has captured the cultural zeitgeist. No, it has. What the hell are you talking about? So, everything has a sequel. What the hell are you talking about? I'm saying that people under the age of... Spotlight has a sequel.

People under the age of 45 know what a dog's purpose is. No one knows what Homeward Bound is. But here's the difference is I saw Homeward Bound and it was like a trick, like got you, you thought that dog was dead. This is a movie that in the fucking trailer is like, Not only you're going to have to see one dead dog You're going to have to see at least like six dead dogs

Why would I do that to myself? Dog holocaust Listen, dogs die all the time Uh-huh See, but if you're... It's about time, there's a movie event. Here's the trick is that if it was a cat's journey, you would put the kibosh on it as well.

I watched that, when I was growing up, I watched that movie Milo and Otis. Oh, yeah. Famous, that's a dog and cat holocaust. Again, an adventure that ends with the death of a dog, not the death of a dog, the death of a dog, the death of a dog, and the death of a dog. All the actors,

all the dog actors, like, tons of them died, tons of the cats died. So? Yeah, and Milo noticed. That would they like fucking... That's a cursed film, dude. And I would still watch it. It's like the house of Pet Cemetery, basically. So whatever,

he's like laying's waist to the top. Unleashed the rats, dude. The rats are going and it's like, oh, fuck, the rats were equipped with bombs. He, fights the repairman guy beats the shit out of him this is kind of fucking badass though because he takes his gun

and puts the barrel right up to the repairman's eyeball and just starts firing wildly this dude dies like 12 times and he uses him like gun holster kind yeah yeah his head is like the guns through the head and he's using as a human shield as he shoots through his head kind of fun and I feel like though like if you're going to reach that level of violence

like I need that to be the movie Sure. Not all this like slow-mo bullet pooping out your forehead shit. I guess you got to watch it with that or you get the NC17. I don't think they'd slap it on you, dude. Well, not for, not for gun violence in America. No, if you had some more buttcheek slapping though, that's, there's your NC17. So then he fights the knife guy. That's kind of a...

This Chris Christie with the nimble moves? Like, please. You hear this like thunder coming. Yeah, I didn't buy it either, Kevin, to be completely honest. And I don't also buy, like, this dude, like, tries to stab James McAvoy, and the blade goes into his pistol, but then he just shoots the gun and the blade goes into this dude's chest. No. It doesn't seem like, you're blowing up your hand. Yeah, yeah.

If Daffy Duck cartoons have taught me anything. Thank you. They've taught you a lot, first of all. Yeah, exactly, everything. Depending on whether it's duck season or rabbit season. If you fire, when the gun is jammed, it's going to blow up in your hand. Exactly. So the blade goes into this, was it big fat butcher?

Big Fed Butcher, yeah. And then he, like, kicks it further in and that guy's gone. Big Fed Butcher with Mark Rylens as doing a CGI MOCAP performance of the Big Fat Butcher. He's surprisingly the runt of the butchers. Oh, cool, awesome butcher. It was me, but in a fat computer suit. Oh, we can't. There's no turning back, son.

We have to go back to Normandy. There are hot dogs there. I'm the big fat butcher There's a thing where this big fat butcher At the beginning of the movie When he's doing his first training scene Keeps calling him a pussy Oh right

Well because it's agro Yeah And McAvoy is like I'm not a pussy blah blah blah But it pays off I don't think They thought this was hilarious But it's truly hilarious

When they're in the little like meat packing room And the guy is hiding from James McAvoy He's whispering pussy Yeah, really? As he runs by it's like, pussy. And McIpoy's like, whoa, where are you? And he's like firing at all these like dead pigs. Yeah.

Pussy, pussy, pussy. Because it's like basically made for people who are in or haven't gotten over high school. Like that's the entirety of the audience. Absolutely. And so going on, he's finally in the, there's been a couple scenes in this library. It's a big circular room. Right. And all the assassins that are still alive are in there, including

in common and Angelina Jolie and they all have guns on McAvoy they're all pointing their guns at him. He has his hands up and he explains Morgan Freeman has been using the magic loom for personal gain. Oh shit. That's right dude. It's no longer

a magical loom, it's Morgan's loom. That's the fruit of the loom. He's using his power and the control over the loom for financial gain. Sure. That's the thing. It's like also in the fraternity, the other people around him who are supposed to keep

Morgan Freeman in check in this fraternity also don't give a fuck about the emoluments clause so that's yeah that's it what we're dealing here Morgan Freeman yells shoot this motherfucker which is kind of great he curses a couple times in this movie it's always kind of fun when he says

swear words and he's like well you know you wanted me to you wanted me to kill oh you want to I shouldn't have been called well your name was on that list and then your name came up and then you And then it came to Bill's house And then it came to Fred's house

Which the thing is here also Do you think he's bullshitting? Yeah, probably Why would you believe a word this guy's saying? Who knows what this loom? Why would I believe a loom? Yeah, exactly. At least, you know what?

This loom bloomed your doom. This loom bloomed your doom. If I would much rather a guy who's like, you know what? I'm going to run this like pretty much a hitman business wherein someone pays me money to kill somebody. And then I send one of my guys out to do it, as opposed to be like, well, the loom said it,

better kill that school teacher. Like, well, what I don't know? Then I want to, like, the loom to be, like, sentient or something. Yeah. Like, a demon loom. Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Exactly.

Like, the lighting changes red and the, like, the loom is moving. And you can see, like, the fibers are, like, talking, like, making a mouth. Exactly. Yeah, do a devil loom. Like, Toby Hooper is the mangler, except. It's the loom. Oh, yeah, the mangler with Bob England. Yes, Bob England.

So, yeah, it's like, so who are you going to believe? Him or the loom? If you believe the loom, he's like, you should take that gun and put it in your mouth and fire away. And now at this point, the loom and Morgan Freeman are both pointing at each other. Not me, him, no, no, him. You get that gun away from my loom? And then calm in is like,

Larry, you and I have been friends for a long time. But if you keep pouring that gun at my loom, I'm going to shoot you in the fucking head. Come on, we're a bunch of fucking professionals here. We believe the loom. A bunch of weaving professionals.

And then Common is like, fuck the code. And Angelina Jolie's like, my, I don't think so. Yeah. And she does like an around the world, starting with Common. Yes. The fucking bullet says goodbye on it. Yeah, all the way around the room, coming back to her and also killing her.

I would be, I would use my extra sensory perception to go a little, I would weave out of the way at the end. No, she wants to die because she believes in the loom because she's part of this loom called. Is she going to go to loom heaven? Like, what the fuck are we talking about? You promised 50 not yet worn sweaters. The fiber counts in the loom heaven is out of sight. You will be turned into the cloth and you will be, you will be, you will be, go into a sweater.

It's like wearing nothing at all. Somewhere in Alpaca, I just goes, because that means he's pleased. Maybe I'll come back as a Reynolds Woodcock creation. Yeah. And it's just, this is like pretty much the end of the movie. There's this like bullshit epilogue. Well, Morgan Freeman escapes.

Oh, right. Yeah, Morgan Freeman does. He gets out of Dodge. And then it's just like, you know, yeah, here I am. Just another tool who is mind fucked into killing his father, His bank accounts back to $14. I love that Morgan Freeman

had the foresight to re-empty the bank account. That's not going to work for you. Thank you very much. I'm not saying how to holiday in. And then, yeah, it's Morgan Freeman. Daddy likes to travel. A Conrad or a bust?

You see the back of McAvoy's head and he's back at the office doing work and his narration's happening. By the way, his thing is at work he'll Google him. himself. Wesley Gibson, not in quotes, and get zero results because he's so insignificant. That's not how that works

really, but you know, absolutely. Yeah. So this guy is doing, he's doing it again. He's checking and just, okay, no, but he's talking about me, cool, I'm under the radar, whatnot. And then Morgan Freeman sneaks up behind him, wearing a hilarious hat and like a guy, or no, he's got a haircut. He's got a haircut, that's what it is. Famous epilogue haircut situation. And he's got

like some old Nazi gun? A gun a gun the rocketeer would have used. I guess it might have been a luger. I think I've seen Billy Campbell hold his similar firearm. Yes. And he's like, he says something like, your time's up.

Whatever, back to your old job or whatever the fuck it is. And then some weiner turns around and it's not James McAvoy. And it's Morgan Freeman is like, oh, fuck. And again, the fucking slow motion

bullet poops out his forehead and then like Morgan Freeman's brains are all over the camera. And then we do this reverse thing. The bullet goes, back through and we trace it all the way back cross town. It goes through Janice's donut. It goes through Chris Pratt's fucking energy drink. Oh yeah. And then it comes back to him in which

he, I mean, Andrew, this fucking... This is where I lost it, dude. He turns right at the camera and just goes, what the fuck have you done lately? Come on. Well, that's actually... It's a good point. Because he's like, yeah, man... What have you done lately? But in the comic series, it's very similar. The comic ends with Wesley calling out the audience about their pathetic lives, stating, this is my face when I'm fucking you in the ass. Oh, come on.

That's how that ends. Mark Millar has a thing about fucking in the ass. Interesting. So he fucked the readers. Yes, you've been fucked by reading my shitty comic book. Gotcha. Makes total sense. Yeah, sure.

Way to buy this comic book, stupid. that's your $17 down the trash can totally man this movie fucking stanks would anybody recommend it? I would not I think it's trash I was actually

to Mark Miller's credit I think he had a run on Ultimate X-Men that was kind of fun I think he originated Ultimate X-Men if I'm not mistaken and like he's an okay guy if like there's a strong

edit sometimes editors are good sometimes they're like hey dude you shouldn't end the whole comic with saying somebody's fucking somebody in the ass Like maybe you should end up with a with a theme possibly. It's like, oh, that's pretty interesting. So that was fine. I just, I think most of his work is trash.

And ever since he's gone, like, I'm writing, I'm doing everything. It's been trash town. And I hate this. I hate his worldview. I hate the agro nonsense. No, no, no, no. What do you mean by I'm doing everything? Well, no, just I mean like basically, like, he doesn't work in like, he doesn't do Superman

comic books anymore. He doesn't do X-Men. He's like, it's my creation. It's genius. Oh, he only does like original. That's what Kingsman. That's what wanted it is. That's what...

It's only misogynistic trash from here on now. Thank you. This is insufferable. I could not stand this. I was pissed off the whole time. And I was just sitting there like, do something anything. And it's just nothing.

Nothing at all. Yeah. Yeah. I hate this too. I would not recommend this. I didn't like it. It's like you're waking up from a fucking nap over there. What are you doing?

I am. I'm talking about fucking one. for fucking seven hours. Get your head in the game. What game? It's been 97 minutes. Oh, that's his? So anyway, I would recommend the cone heads.

I would recommend... The Matrix. Thank you, Chris. I would recommend The Matrix 1. That would be a fun animatrix short would be Sunday in the Matrix. Absolutely. Animatrix, too, yes.

You know, that'd be a good, like, adult swim show. Yeah. It's 15 minutes every week for three weeks and then it takes two years off and then it comes back and it does three other weeks and it's just fucking hanging out in the Matrix.

Yep. No, I would totally buy that. And like if anyone skins their knee at this beautiful garden party you'll get a big fucking grass stain or whatever. Oh, sure. Reverse that with the Matrix technology.

Bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop. Ah, shit, I peed on my fucking cargo shorts. Let me just bleat out there it is. I don't want to go out back into the party and I want things I pissed my pants. I just peed on my pants. No, it's just a drop of beer. It wasn't anything.

It was just, I dropped my beer a little bit. Do you think, like, if you're in the Matrix long enough, like, you're, and you're hanging out with other people who know it's the Matrix, you just, like, go to the bathroom, just piss down your pants. You're like, whatever. You all know that this is fake. Control Z! Control Z!

Here's how much I hate this movie. Comparing it to something else here, speaking to Taryn Stamp, I would rather watch that Elektra movie twice in a row than ever. That is fucking crazy. I know, because that movie also sucks and bored me to tears and gave me a fucking sick nap when I saw it in the theater. I still haven't seen it. You're fine. You'll watch it when we inevitably do it on this.

And also stay tuned for a dog's purpose. Yeah, you are barking up the wrong shit. And we're doing it. It'll just be me for an hour. Laughing about dead dogs. Well, I don't know. Maybe chuckling. That is wanted from 2008.

by Timor, Beck Mambatov. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out pageant.com slash we hate movies. Like we said, the Kingsman, his secret service, is the bonus episode this month. Another Mark Millar classic. Star Trek, our Nexus series, of course, continues. Animation Damnation. We're talking G.I. Joe this month to coincide with that Stephen Summers' abomination from a couple weeks ago. And the Gleep Glouclery, as you already know, is Milas the Sarkin. And a character that was added during the special edition, find out some behind the scenes tidbits of your favorite movie, Star Wars. That is right. I'm talking to myself.

It's your favorite movie. And as always, we hate movies continues next week and the summer blockbuster extravaganza continues next week. Steve Sadek, what is on the docket? Oh, we're just tying into that Spider-Man movie with another Spider-Man movie, the amazing Spider-Man. Oh, this was Andrew Garfield's first run at the first run. franchise. That's right. And we've already done Amazing Spider-Man 2, and this is one of our classic, oh, we'll never do the first. And we're doing the first one. And we're breaking the 10-year rule on this one? I think. Maybe. Probably. Yeah, we are. Probably are. Well,

whatever. No one cares. And by the way, I want to quickly mention, we have merchandise on our T-Public store. We don't mention it Munch. Munch? We don't mention it Munchausen on the air, but it is on there. So check out our T-Public store. You can find it at W-HModcast.com. Click shop. That's how you let people know you're in the Buddy Brigade by wearing a Buddy Brigade T-shirt. That is absolutely right. And just to confirm, yeah, we are breaking that dang

shatter. This was, uh, came out in July of 2012. That's when Andrew Garfield was only 41 years old. Oh man. The innocence sprightly. But doesn't 2012 feel like 20 years ago? Yes. I kind of does. Uh, oh, and also just... We're doing that. I'm doing

we can start doing movies from early fucking 2017. If that's the rule. Yeah. No, no. By the way, Gird your loins, fellas. This movie's two hours and 16 minutes. Holy shit.

Well, of course it is because it's a movie made after 2010. That's exactly right. So until next week with the Amazing Spider-Man. I'm Andrew Jupin. I didn't piss on myself. I pissed on my pants. Yeah, I just want to let everybody know that. No, no, we get it.

Fine. Chris Cabin. The Amazing Eric Siska. Take it easy. Wow. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.