We Hate Movies - S9 Ep429: Episode 429 - The Amazing Spider-Man

Episode Date: July 2, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang continues the 2019 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza with a longer-than-Star Wars-sized chat about the first Spider-Man reboot attempt, The Amazing Spider-Man! Why in the world did we need to see the Uncle Ben death again? Why couldn't they bother hiring Dylan Baker to play the Lizard finally?! And how come Denis Leary couldn't sing "Asshole" to Peter Parker?! PLUS: Coming next summer...Spider-Man: Home Cookin'! The Amazing Spider-Man stars Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans, Denis Leary, Martin Sheen, Sally Field, Irrfan Khan, Campbell Scott, and Embeth Davidtz; directed by Marc Webb. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, haven't we seen this movie 10,000 times? It's the Amazing Spider-Man. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadeh. Chris Cabin. The Amazing Eric Siska. And we saw that coming. Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies.

Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right, the 2019 summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on with the amazing Spider-Man from the year of our Lord 2012, the year this whole thing was supposed to fucking end and it didn't, directed by, Mark Webb. You mean the world? I meant the planet at large. I would have been amazing if it did. Like that guy that had that van outside the garden for all those months leading up.

It was like, come on, baby. And it turned out that lunatic was wrong. Tail getting the apocalypse. I like it. I mean, we really should have all died in 2012. We wouldn't have had to live through what we have these past few years. Oh, fuck. Wait a second.

Fan theory. We've been dead the whole time. We've been dead the whole time. For reality? This is our afterlife. He's a fan of reality, Chris. Just a message to the maker, you can hit send on that

email anytime. You know what I mean? Like, just because you missed it in 2012 doesn't mean you missed the window. Yeah, man, nobody's going to be checking time codes. You can just send that email. He's going to wake up in like 2030. Oh, shit, that's still a drafts.

No, I said, I ended that. Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, I got... This is ridiculous. I got hung up on whether I should have said thanks are best at the end. This movie, of course, was the first Spider-Man reboot.

Right. And it's 2012, which we should mention, yes, is breaking our usual 10-year rule. Yeah, nobody cares. Yeah, exactly. At least the four people in this room who run the show. The thing is, there's a Spider-Man movie out. Right. And we're going to talk about it, Spider-Men's when the movies are out.

And it's Spider-Man, it's Funer and Far from Home after Homecoming. what's what's the third one going to be we're going to keep home Spider-Man home cooking dude just to make it a sandwich Spider-Man housekeeping oh actually if it was Spider-Man home cooking it takes place around Thanksgiving

and like the vulture gets out of jail and they cook them Spider-Man Home Alone could happen oh dude Spider-Man homeless Aunt May can't fucking keep up the rent and for some reason their refused entrance to the Avengers compound or Stark Tower

Spider-Man Homeowners Association, that's the difficult one. Oh, right. Oh, it's him just fighting people about the color of his siding. Yeah, bureaucracy at the wazoo. They wouldn't even let Spider-Man have a garden. How about the Spider-Man retirement home? Come on, that'll be the last one. Yeah, that's right.

Old Man Spider-Man. Steve Sadek, you're the expert on Spider-Man. No, I'm not. Has there ever been an elderly Spider-Man? I'm sure there has to have been. There was, yeah, like that Earth X was like a future-y kind of a thing. I don't know. I don't think you've ever seen like a really old Earth X, that's when Professor X owns the planet.

It's like a whole fucking thing that was like kind of trying to be kingdom come from Marvel. They got the same artist. Oh, really? So it was the same painted? Yes, but this son of a bitch only did the covers and I was like, I'm out. That was like, oh, I'll do the covers and the right, yeah. I kind of wish I had the comic continuity for all the stuff I like because with comics, it's just like, yep, that happened. At some point.

Everything has happened. Let me say, though, I think. think the idea behind Spider-Man retirement home is he has some sort of terminal illness, and he convinces Jay Jonah Jameson to help him with assisted suicide, and Jay Jonah Jameson puts his thumb on the web slinger button and helps him press it, and it shoots a web right on his face, and he suffocates himself and he does. That'd be great. Right? The thing is, yeah, because he's got like Parkinson's now, he's just shooting webs on the floor all the time. So it's like sad. God, that is fucking sad.

Yeah, I can still, I can still do the, I'm still the web crawler. I can crawl, but it's only on the ground. All right, Mr. All right, Mr. Fury. I'm going to go help you in a minute. I just have to go to the bathroom. Ha! Oh!

It's just difficult. It hurts what he peaty stones, spidey stones. Passing all of these spidey stones. The webbing's like dusty. Oh. Well, he ain't there yet, but, This Andrew Garfield was pushing 30 years old, making this movie, by the way. We did the math, Steve.

What was he, 28, 29 years old? 29 years old, yeah. Oh, really? Now, previous episode, if you don't know, we did the sequel to this movie already. We always like... Oh, we're working backwards. Exactly. Our Spider-Man trilogy is as such.

We did Amazing Spider-Man Part 2. Then we did Spider-Man 3. And now we're doing Amazing Spider-Man. Whatever, you guys. It's the summer, and I'm on vacation. We did one on screen for far from home, and we're going to have to wait for a double- W-LM to do the first two.

Yeah. A home-coming. Homecoming, yes. Far from home, maybe we'll get to it. I re-watched the first two Ramey movies back when I got that PS4 game. They're great. They totally hold up. I think the first one is really, really good, and it's a little cheesy but fun.

I like it, but that's also like, we just have 35-year-olds going to high school. Everyone is too big for like the chairs in that movie. It's like Homer when he has to go to parent-teacher night. But at least he graduates in that first movie. They kind of rush him off to college. They got to look at Toby McGuire. This guy's got to go to college. But now, Andrew Garfield, who I do not like.

Really? The author I get the less I like him. He should, no, you look at him in this movie. Why is he not playing Slender Man? Because this guy is a beanstalk. In a Spider-Man movie, Slender Man now gets into this. How about Spider-Man v. Slender Man? in that Slender Man movie though

was it played by a person or was it just like CGI? I think it's mostly just CGII. Maybe Doug Jones showed up probably. Doug Jones is in a rip-off Slender Man. Are you serious? Tell me of this. Okay. We should get Doug Jones to stand on top of his head, his own head, like

CGI that. Sure. To make your Slenderman. I want like a person portraying Slender Man. I don't not want this CGI's. I liked one of the, I'll full disclosure. I liked this movie when it came out. I remember, like,

that was all right. That was pretty good. Yeah, it wasn't crazy about it, but I was like, oh, it's a step in the right direction, because everyone was so burned by Spider-Man 3 or most people were. Some people will defend that movie. That's fine. Oh, no, Doug Jones was the by-bye man. Yeah, he was the by-bye, not the Slender Man.

No, but, oh, right, excuse me. I'm mixing up stupid things I don't like. Don't think it's saying. I got to find this other movie. It's here somewhere. Keep on. Beware of the Sender Man or something like that. But one of the things, one of the things I liked about this movie was him, and I did like the slender Spider-Man, because it's like, that's of akin of how Spider-Man kind of... I want a chunky spider-man. I thought, Tobin McGuire Husky?

What are you talking about? Is it a little thick, dude? Is that right? Listen, in 2002, Toby McGuire was thin as a rail. Sure. But they keep moving the bar on me, and I keep getting fatter every year. Well, no, that I know. I mean, I'm never going to be thin.

That's okay. But Toby McGuire is a small man. He's like the size of a Rubik's cube. He played a jockey in the sea biscuits. Yeah, that's true. No, I mean, I don't know. But if you look at the stills between the two, he's a little...

You want the Sevelte Spider-Man so you can jump around the building. You want a tall Spider-Man. Yes, that's a taller, skinnier kind of... That's like tradition. You've become everyone you hate. Well, that's the problem I think, like, from the beginning with this movie, is that it's not very, it's all very trying to be adultish.

Yes. Like, from the beginning, like, centering it on his parents being like him and his parents being the first thing out the gate rather than in Homecoming where it's like literally, well, it starts with vulture. It's not a great idea when you're writing your Spider-Man movie to have Batman begins on in the room you're writing it. Like, it's just, you want to watch that movie, then turn it off? Yeah, it seems like this movie is trying to go for that, like, the weight of the world.

It's got a real There's a lot of brown in this movie I will say this movie is kind of nice In terms of like the grandeur of the city We get a lot of shots of him on top of a building That actually feels scary and large The world feels big in a way I don't think any other Spider-Man does

Yeah and I don't know what If any they filmed in New York Well I know that the Ramey movies We're here quite a bit I mean, yeah, I see what you're saying, though. There are better shots of, like, the city on the whole, which I do like. And they removed most, if not all, the camp from the, like, you know, obviously those first, and the third one went obviously way too far, but the first two.

It seems like it needs some. Those rigs, yeah, I kind of think it needs a little bit of slapstick, like, kind of camp. There is a fight sequence later on where Spider-Man goes full Mr. Bean. So there is a little bit there, but not enough. So did you find your Slenderman movie? I can't find it, because it's just got some bullshit. a title and I'm not just going to call it. I'm just going to call it. Yeah.

Doesn't exist. No, this thought is fucking DOA. It's all right. The, uh, yeah, so we start on, it's a young Peter Parker, which we've not seen before. Thank God we get to see him as it's true. And he's playing hide and seek with his father. I

do appreciate the mad about you that's on in the background. Anyone see that? No, I missed it. They're a mad about you household. Tell me why. I live like I do. this from this makes us a must see Tuesday and a must see Thursday that was always like the the bastardization of the must see Thursday yeah Andrew I found it in like a second that's great always watching a marble hornet story 2015 American found footage supernatural horror film starting Doug Jones as the quote unquote operator who then just looks like slender man got it that's what it was so one thank you I'm not crazy but also uh the reason I wasn't going back that far was because this was something that we hadn't offered to, like, do a screening of literally last year. Really?

Yeah. So that's, that explains. And you didn't ask Mr. Jones in? I was like, we should do this screening if Doug Jones can come. And it was like, we're not offering. You know, it's a cheap idea to do. And what do you guys think about us making, like, fat man? A fat man?

A fat dude in the woods. I mean, he's going to be less convincing, less seductive than Sender Man. What are we getting at here? Because we can do that this weekend. We've been training for it for a while. I think we could all play The Fatman. So, yes, it's Young Peter Parker. It's Must See Tuesday.

And this is the thing. Sure, these movies, at least this one, I really don't remember what goes on in that second one other than Jamie Fox. But like this movie, yeah, it might be absent of that camp. Yeah. But when what it takes away in the camp, it adds in a totally needless

and never really again address. conspiracy theory about Peter Parker's parents and what are we even doing? It's one of those things where it's like, no, save it for the sequel. No, no. And then the sequel comes like, no, no, save it for the next sequel.

Guess what? You never fucking told that story. Nope. It's so enraging when movies drop the ball. Tell me the story you want to tell me now. You've got me today. Yeah, what you want to tell now, tell me now. Exactly.

We're telling you now now. Guess what's interesting about Bruce Wayne's parents? They're fucking dead. That's the whole thing. But he gives a fuck. Well, that's the thing, too, is like, this, and Andrew and I were talking before you guys got here, it's like, the movie is like two hours and 15 minutes. The first 45 minutes can be told in 30 seconds because that's what we already know.

Like, we've seen that movie before. I don't know why they- Dennis Lurie doesn't even show him for 55 fucking minutes and his death is pivotal at the end. Right. And I don't know why. Like, I really wish someone would explain why they felt they had to tell this again. At least in fucking homecoming. you start and Uncle Ben is dead.

Yes. You at least have that out of the way. So it's him just becoming Spider-Man, which fucking whatever. It really is fucking crazy because you know, now so many people complain like, oh, they're making too many Star Wars movies. Could you imagine if multiple of them, most of them, were just like, oh, yeah, here's the story

of Luke Skywalker again. Exactly. Everyone knows Spider-Man. Every single time he has to go to the fucking, there's always the scene with the Jawa's where the first droid. is going to blow up, and the second droid has to come. Like, we don't need every detail shot for shot.

It's crazy. He's looking at the twin sons again. Well, there was that one Star Wars reboot where we already started with Uncle Owen and Amperu were already crispy creditors, so that was nice. That was a great one. I like the Star Wars reboot. We finally got to the Tashi Station, and we saw the power

fucking that was going on there. I think Tashi Station, by the way, my theory about Tashi Station is like, yeah, you're going there to check the power converter situation. That's just space prostitutes. Really? I thought it was like code for like whippets in the parking room. Yeah.

Oh, it's weird. It's dude. Like fucking weird canisters. Oh, dude, Tashi Station is just the Star Wars equivalent of a Taco Bell and you're just in their parking lot getting high. Exactly. It's just a chain restaurant. So it's like, you're not going to have you eat that cheap doback meat again, Luke.

I get to stay home and have a real meal. I get heavy duty grease West Side Story feeling from Tashi Station. Like he goes up there and there's going to be like people. right with the lasers yeah little vibro blades they cut you with those those are the wombrats that's another

that's another gang when he says we shot womprats at home he was killing people he was killing a rival gang killed Johnny and Jimmy from the wombrats my T-14 back home he used to bomb these fuckers

and actually what he was trying to get a power converter is actually hair gel because what Luke really wanted to have was the duck's ass haircut. He has it normally, but he just ran out of hair gel that day. That's where I get the flop. You know, this could have easily happened with George Lucas behind the helm, just make it like a fucking

greaser car movie. It's not a hair gel at that point. It's just du back sweat. And dubeck sweat that you just put through your hair. You just mix some sugar in it dude and stir it for a bit and bring it to a boil? That's your hair gel. That's Star Wars hair gel.

Whatever. The most bone-chilling bit of hide-and-seek I've ever seen. So Campbell Scott is the father. What's his name, Ray? Richard. Richard, pardon me. And he's playing hide-and-seek with Peter. And he does this creepy thing where it's like he's got like little shoes sticking out from behind these drapes.

And then like Peter pulls the curtains. And it's a hat and a fucking broom falls over. I would have been shrieking. And then all the doors lock it simultaneously. You're mine now, Peter. I thought this was a ghost movie at first. Want to play a game. Also, Dick Parker, I hardly know her.

So he goes into his father's study. It's been burgled. He yells for his father. His father immediately starts erasing spider equations from the wall. Yeah, got to get that spider math off the wall. And I think I was very forgiving the first time I saw that. This time, and it's the only second time I've ever seen this movie ever. Yeah.

I was like, oh, yeah, that's stupid. Why would you need to doodle a spider on a chalkboard? I know that I'm talking about spiders. This guy's a little friendly. Oh, I'm going to give him a couple cute little beady eyes there. I think Riesifans was like just running off his mouth on the phone. They're on the long conference. I'm going to draw a little spider here.

Is that a tick? A flea? No. Oh, a spider. Okay. And it's the one thing you never want to have your parents do is like essentially just like cut and run. Yes. Like, all right, we're packing a bag tonight.

We've got to get the hell out of here. We're going to drop you off. Oh, perfect for the theme of the evening. evening it started raining really hard and Mbeth Davis is the mother oh right and she has a line in this movie maybe well save it for the sequel dude when she's screaming in that playing crash oh that's right speaking of Batman just watching those Batman movies tell me what Bean wears a mask like it's it's the same scene um so he he drops Peter off at his uncle's uncle and aunt Martin Sheen and Sally Field there.

So now that Richard Parker and Mrs. Parker are in this storyline now, and I do not follow Spider-Man comics. I watch the cartoon a little bit when I was a kid. That's it. So I never really understood that he had parents

at any point. I mean, you know what I mean. That his parents were ever featured at any point. Yeah, is this a thing? Yeah, it is. Is it? A little bit. So is Richard, like, Ben's little brother? Are they related that way? I think they're brothers. I don't remember. There's

a couple things. One, there is like the spy element. Richard Parker worked for the CIA, I think. Oh, so this is canon. Yeah, it's dumb-ass shit is canon. I don't think he was the scientist. He was like an actual spy. Oh, I see. Disabilizing Iran or something. Oh, totally, dude.

That's funny. I put spiders in their water or something. In this movie, I got, I smelled heavy college roommates or something. Like, this did not smell like, oh, we know each other by blood. Yeah, the Uncle Ben was like Dark Helmet to Lone Star kind of thing Your brother's former roommate

But like Martin Sheen is significantly older than Campbell Scott I dude man this doesn't make sense Well they're not de-aging Campbell Scott No he's like present day or 2012 Campbell's got a little you know he's got a bit of a case of older parents Kind of a situation right yeah well they're you know They're both intellectuals man they were concentrating on like dissertations and research

and whatnot. But he drops his kid off and he drops off $0 to take care of him. They're in a beautiful brownstone. He's got fucking Oscore money somewhere. Yep. And now fucking like, you know, Ben Parker's got to work three shit just to get afloat. This is Star Wars

because they didn't give him glowing any money. No, he didn't get a red credit, dude. Yeah, you're totally right. And yeah, it's like, we're going to leave our Manhattan townhouse. You know, you know, and take you out to Queens and live in this, you know, not as nice house. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. And he's shown

to be a mechanic or something, Ben Parker is a little, he's wearing a little a jumpsuit for the most part. Right. He does say something about it. He had to like, but he's working like a night shift or something. It doesn't really matter. It's like this Dickie's work shirt or something. Yeah, I don't know what he's doing. He's just a real, you know, lunch pale and cup of coffee kind of guy. He has the same job he had in Wall Street. I wish he had the same death that he got in the departed,

which is my favorite thing in the world. Jesus, that's great. Thrown off a building and run over by a car. Yeah, time. Like any you mugs got a light and somebody throws him off a roof?

Dude, the slow motion, him just fucking falling. It reminded me of in the Fresh Prince with Jazzy Jeff would get thrown out of the house. Yeah,

you know what I mean? Jazzy Jeffed off the roof, dude. I want to hear this conversation because the way they set up the scene is like the four adults are in the kitchen, they're at the table.

and little Peter's like out in the other room and whatnot I want to hear like all right man listen I promise we're going to come back for this kid I promise you we will be coming back

for this kid it's gonna be like a week tops don't worry about it and yes I'll definitely wire the money like he's just making all these empty promises knowing he will later be murdered

what if Martin Sheen was like his guy his bookie and he's like you gotta leave that kid here for collateral oh yeah totally we'll skip out yeah just call me uncle

uncle Ben's hiding all the letters that fucking Campbell Scott is sending to Peter Parker. Oh, gosh. He throws him in the incinerator. Still owes me 25 Lodge. So, yeah. I mean, that's pretty much like the origin story here. And then it just,

it cuts to Andrew Garfield in high school somehow. Getting a basketball thrown to his noodle. Right. And this Peter Parker, he's skateboards. Yeah. By the way, I say noodle because his head's so thin. because it's portrayed by fucking Andrew Garfield. You see, like, his day-to-day routine,

and it is much like every other iteration of Peter Parker having to be in high school. He's picked on by Flash Thompson. I got it. I got it. Oh, what do you got it? Oh, no, I mean, that's what I'm saying. I totally understand this.

Because you're looking at your cell phone right now, so I thought you were pulling up some grand piece of evidence about something. I'm just trying to figure some thing. But, yeah, you see him skateboarding. He heads of the basketball throwing against his head. There's this really weird thing where, like, these two kids are making out fucking. hard against his locker.

Welcome to sex high, dude. Totally sex high. I was like, where's any school administrator? This is really inappropriate. Fucking tongue kissing before science class. And it's supposed to be like a joke. It's one of those things. There's a few of these big jokes where like physical like they keep rolling onto another

locker that he's trying to get to. Correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really annoying. It's yeah. And it's kind of not funny. And in a movie that is almost entirely like comedyless, like, let's just get to it I mean it is

this movie is more like trying to be subtly funny like there's a lot of like quippy stuff around but it's not like right no no overt gags like this I guess is what I meant yeah

I don't even think what he says is that funny it's the way Andrew Garfield speaks yeah he's like kind of a wise yeah he's got like a sing-songy way of doing all of his dialogue I prefer a good wiseacre to Toby McGuire

who's like hey gotcha there's and like this is this ain't your Mama's Spider-Man movie, he gets the shit kicked out of him by Flash Thompson. It's like a fucking scene from Goodfellas out of nowhere. Oh, he's fucking brutal. Hounding this guy's face. It's ridiculous.

I think they're trying to go realistic here because they have him being beaten. And then, like, a minute later, it's like this introspective, quote-unquote, like, indie rock music. And it's like focusing on Peter just like living his shit life. I don't know, dude. He sees this one kid getting bullied.

He starts mouthing off to this much bigger kid. Big mistake, Peter. Absolutely. You keep that head down. You're just trying to make it through the day, dude. this soundtrack though is like hardcore uh 2012 though I feel I was trying to look up oh yeah so here we go yeah we got like the shins and phantom planet

there's a cold play song in this movie there certainly is that's really what seals the deal is like it's like it's like a ladder period cold play song and they double that up in the sequel where like Pharrell is on there okay go is on there doof I don't I don't like pop music in superhero movies I don't know I mean it's it can be used effectively I think I think the only time honestly I think it's really

affected me in any way is when they play Ramones and Homecoming yeah and I was like oh that thematically and yeah I mean it has to be specific it has to be like this is what we're seeing or this is what we're doing right you're just playing this fucking cold play song so you're saying like Macy Gray and Spider-Man 1 oh that's an element of that film that doesn't hold up thank you for reminding me

I try to sling a web and I choked. Oh, man. Try to catch the goblin. I stumble. Macy Gray would have been a great Spider-Man. Oh, sure, dude. She's just drunkenly throwing webs at people. She, so he, whatever, he goes home with a black guy.

He's beaten in. Yes. And his uncle's like, oh, what happened? What's the other guy look like? A Mott and she in this movie. I'm kind of working class. Am I ever going to call somebody's father? I'm so working class.

I'm going to waste a giant piece of steak on you. Dude, you're putting on your fucking face. It's cold a fucking ice cube, no, brother. It's 1950, and we just have a fucking giant ice cube in the basement and 50 stakes around. The only time I have seen that ever, like, realistically addressed, and I'm using realistically loosely here, is that episode of Seinfeld, it's like later period Seinfeld where Kramer, uh,

takes showers for too long, so he's in the locker room and he's taking notes and the guy punches him. Jerry gives him a steak and he puts it on and then the end of the scene Kramer takes the steak with him

to go cook and eat it later. And I was like, exactly. Of course you would. Well, Peter, the only thing your piece of shit father actually keeps sending me is a monthly Omaha steak package. So this is the one thing

we've got from your piece of shit father. We're fucking choke it on steak over here, Peter. We're choking on it. And you know, your uncle can't have red meat as much anymore, Peter. He's trying to kill me. Your father's trying to kill me from afar now. And then when they're in their basement, they find

like a bag that's from Dick Parker. It's Dick Parker's like work bag. Excellent dad bag. It's a great dad dad bag. Totally love this dad bag. Ben Parker is like, yeah, you find any money in it, it's mine. Yeah, just FYI, that's all mine.

Check out for a secret compartment. He's a real sneaky fuck your father. Every tell you how much of a cheap skate your father was it's been down there forever no one knew it was there well he says something he's like oh we forgot about that yeah something like that it's like hidden under the stairs

and he takes it up to his room he he's got he looks he finds a secret compartment not really it's just like the back it's zippered he finds a big full it's just a pouch yeah he finds a folder filled with spider formulas and all this shit it's like great

so many spider formulas and he uncle Ben comes in he's like hi everything okay champ and like as he's doing it he's got this matt lower slash fucking jerk off button that like he can electronically lock his door from afar it's definitely i got the pornography going oh absolutely but i mean what a what a pleasure to have such a thing where you're a high school boy absolutely you know what i mean just like click oh what's that not for nothing he's got fucking emma stone who he's they're not friends they're not uh they're certainly not going out together right she's his desktop background.

Oh my God. Later in the film when he's like, he's got you on his computer. Yeah. Yikes. That's enough to kill him right there. I mean, have him gun down in the school.

At the same time, maybe he should be because this guy seems like a dangerous stalker. Yes, he does. She doesn't even know he's alive. Well, she knows him a little bit. Like they,

they're like aware of his existence. Yes. Like when the flash and him are about to fucking go at it and she stops him. She clearly gives him a little wing. His home page is that picture of her on Facebook that she took at her friend's pool party. That's it. That's it.

Yep. No, exactly right. And the picture is like some other couple of friends of Gwen Stacey's like posing for the photograph. But then in the background, it's Gwen Stacey picking a frisbee up off the lawn. And he's always in a bathing. And she's not tagged in it. She is untagged herself. Absolutely not.

And he's always accidentally liking it at three of the morning. He sits next. He sits next to him at lunch, and he doesn't know it. And then he's like, so only one pieces, huh? Can't spring for the two-fers. See, if it was that bad, yeah, I'd say he's the creep of the year. I think he's just got a crush on it. So he realizes that his father used to work for Oz, Corey. And I guess he never asked, like, Uncle Ben, like, hey, what did my dad do?

Well, there's a photo of, like, Kurt Connors. Is that the name of the Lizardman? and he brings it up with Martin Sheen and Martin, she's like, well, I wouldn't know much about that. I've got, I've got like the education of a 10-year-old boy. He says, like, how much smarter Peter Parker is. He's like, he clipsed his education. So he's never graduated high school then, which is fine. But I just thought it was a funny lie.

Yeah, he only has a great school education and he's a boomer, so that means he's got a house. he owns his own home in New York City Thank you very much This house is worth like a million dollars You know people outside of the city Would be like, wait, what? But it's true Yes, it's totally true and in reality If they sold it, it would be sold to somebody

Who would turn it into three different apartments Without question That's what they should do when fucking Ben dies Just flip that shit Move into a nice little apartment Then you got Peter's college fund all settled Absolutely Instead of living in destitution like they do

Yeah, they could move to Jersey or to island. Yeah, totally. Live in a lap of luxury. Totally, totally could. So, yeah, but the other thing that Uncle Ben says about Kirk Connors is that he fucking ghosted the funeral and never came back. He's like, oh, I remember that guy, Connie. He was like, your dad's best friend.

Haven't heard fucking shit from him lately. But am I remembering this wrong? Because when he shows in the photograph initially, he's like, like Uncle Ben's like, Oh, yeah. And then later he's like, I shouldn't have lied to you. That's Dr. Kurt Connors. he was actually your father's partner and best friend and definitely ghosted that funeral.

I think that did happen, yeah. But what, I don't understand what happened to Ben Parker between saying, I don't know who that guy is and then coming clean. Because there's some, it's all about whatever they talked about that kitchen table that's never going to be told to us, the audience, because this franchise failed.

Right. It's like, oh, the big secret that happened at Oskore that you're never going to know about. It's all working up to just making Norman Osborne, the Green Gobblis. That I think... Wow, that'll... Which happens

in the first 25 minutes in the last fucking movie. Exactly. But like talk about... Like, this is already two hours and 16 minutes. You want to shave some time off? How about the first time?

Who the fuck is this in the photograph? It's Dr. Kirk Connors. Let's get on with it. You could cut out, like Steve mentioned, 50 minutes in the movie, easy. Like the first 50 minutes, you start out with...

We already know who Spider-Man is. Sure. We know everything about this shit. Because you bought a ticket. Martin Sheen could be a fucking photograph. Totally. And then you just start out with like, oh, fuck the lizard. And then you get that dichotomy of him just going to do this internship and not really realizing that the lizard is also his mentor.

I don't even think they say his name in Homecoming. I don't even think you get an Uncle Ben. No, they don't. There's one. There's a, I don't know that they say Ben, because I remember thinking this, there's some line where. Aunt May's been through a lot. Yes, that's what it is. That's what it is. That's what it is.

That is the whole of what they do with, and it cuts so much bullshit out of that movie. Because everyone who fucking saw Homecoming was like, oh, Uncle Ben, got it. Yeah, immediately. And if you didn't, it doesn't matter. And I don't have to deal with the training. My God, the training. So much training and gadget development, which we'll get to. So, yeah, it's like, oh, this is Kirk Connors.

He works at OzCorps. So Peter goes to see, you know, try to meet him or whatever. He winds up ruining this one kid's entire future. Ricardo Guevara? Yes, I think that's correct. So he goes to the Oscourt lobby. It's like the receptionist thinks that he's there for an internship program. She's like, without asking for an identification from this kid at all, like, oh, grab your name tag off the intern table to the left.

He steals one and then gets up with the group. Gwen Stacy is the tour guide. She's also a current intern at OzCore. She's the head intern as a high school student? Yes, thank you. How is this even legal? What is going on here? How is this scientist from one of the like Fortune 500 companies?

Well, this was 2012, dude. So this was still a few years before we started making a stink about paying interns. Well, not only that, but like, it's a college kid. It's like an underage girl that's the head intern under like this known scientist. She's doing science in this movie. You would think there would be like graduate students. or something that might be a little more qualified. She's opening the mail.

She's getting, you know what I mean? That's really what it is. She's picking up the drugs and queens for it. I mean, this is some shady shit. And it's for what would be like the top AI guy right now, like the most important scientist in New York. I mean, to be fair, she's wearing a lab coat and giving it to her. I don't know how much access she actually has.

I still think that's too much. Do you think it would be in the service of using a grad school's time, grad school students time wisely to give a fucking tour of a facility? I wouldn't get a high school intern for this show. Imagine if I had a fucking laboratory. All right. When you put it that way, now I completely do.

What does an intern do for this show? Adam Cure a lab code. First of all, mandatory wearing a lab coat. Hi, welcome to We Hate Movies. I don't know. They could that take over some of the soch? Soce beerfeiture. Beerfatcher.

You could give a tour of the studio. it would be like when they take a tour of the guy's office at the box factory on the Simpsons, follow this yellow line. It would take one and a half seconds. Sure. Definitely answer emails pretending to be us. Boy, I would appreciate that. You could ride the Wikipedia as we're talking about.

Oh, you got that wrong. No, you got that wrong too. Could moderate that Reddit, start deleting threads. That'd be good. Eric really wants an intern now. Delete the world. It would be fucking red, honestly. But definitely mandatory wearing a lab.

code. Of course. You have to I might start wearing a lab code. And maybe be over 18 years old.

Yeah. Well, that's the other thing too. You got to be at least 18 years old to end of this apartment. That's all I'm saying.

Thanks anyway. I don't need any underage kids floating around here. I'm going to bump it up to a 21. Yeah, that's a cool.

You know what? There's alcohol. There's a lack of pants. I am wearing Daisy Dukes right now. And it's not a criminal lack of pants. No,

but it's there. It's just a lack of pants brought on by General lays. Someone walks in here. They could read the situation wrong. That's exactly right. So that's where we need. 21 years old. To be fair to Gwen Stacy.

We're bumping it up. I think 50's good because they know what's what. I'm starting over. Yeah, Martin Sheen's going to get this internship. What did you say about Trump? What'd you say about Trump? It's Robert De Niro from the intern. Oh, yes. My God.

Oh, that movie's awful. But yes. Very good. Um, so she's the head intern and, uh, so, uh, Reese fans, Reese, am I doing that right? I think it's Reese, yeah. Risa fans is the guy, is Kirk Connors, he shows up. And his first lines is movie are amazing is just like, yes, I'm, he's like, I'm a scientist, but I'm not crippled. And everyone's like, wait, nobody, hi, nobody said anything. And then they're still reeling from how uncomfortable that is.

And he's like, and as you can tell, I'm also definitely a Southpaw. Did anybody else hear the screams in this scene? No. it's Dylan Baker outside the office and you stole my fucking job I was thinking about that Chris when I was watching it I was like how fucking furious

what that man must have been would it be that big of a deal to have him in this movie and just recast everyone else like why not how much more did fucking Reese Effens cost you it didn't take me that much

to figure out when Screech was unsaved by the bell the new class Hey uh hey uh is this uh reese yeah Dylan Baker how's it going yeah thanks uh you're starting that amazing Spider-Man tomorrow huh great

That's amazing. Congratulations. I hope you get fucking diarrhea and die tomorrow, you piece of shit. I am outside your house right now with a gun. So you have kids, huh? That's interesting that you have kids and a wife. I bet they go outside every day and you don't know what could happen to them. And you know what?

It's weird. It's funny. Thanks again for taking my call. It's weird that your wife is wearing that red sweater right now. I heard that that's kids plural, right? What if it was just singular? All righty. Well, I'll let you go. I left you my real and happiness.

You know what I'm talking. I mean, he must have been so fucking furious. Three movies. And I guess the deal, though, is some of the story here, just from reading about what Ramey's Part 4 was going to be, there's a little bit of that here, including he was going to finally fucking do it. Yeah. Well, because they spent like $100 million.

dollars in Spider-Man 4 which just never happened. You know what I mean? All the people got paid. All the script got written. Like, it's just nuts. But it was such a, it was dumb. I mean, I understand in the, in the heat of the moment,

but having like the Thomas Hayden Church Renaissance being in Spider-Man 3. It's tied to it now forever. Like, why? Like, that was Kirk Conner's spot. God damn it. Yep, you're totally right. That's Kurt Conner's jacket.

Stacy, I'm fucking over. I'm so pissed about that because like the fourth one would have had Malkovich's vulture. I would have loved that. All right, Sam, I'll do Spider-Man 3, but you're promising me Spider-Man 4, you promise on your wife's eyes, right, Sam?

It's not going to be that CGI garbage. It's going to be Dylan in paint. Well, jokes on him. My wife is blind. He ripped out her eyes for nothing. it just feels so terrible and also I like recent e-fans fine enough

I think he's actually pretty good in this movie he is good in this movie but I will say I like Dylan Baker more yeah sure and just because he spent three years waiting or three movies dealing with this that he would have been fucking rocking it in this movie he absolutely would have

so it's not him he's a the famous Dr. Kirkconnor says one arm and the idea is he's going to become the lizard because he hates not having an arm. This is so stupid. I don't know. I mean,

you know, he's, it just, he seems okay. Like, you don't mean? You're a fucking scientist. You've conquered life.

Don't get over it, man. Like, listen, where we're going, none of us are having limbs. Well, also,

I mean, and I don't know, you know, maybe it's not necessarily his area of expertise in science, but, uh, three words,

man. how about robotics sure get a cool fucking android arm or that's the thing how about a hook well also that but norman osborne is probably being like no no no you finish the thing that saves my life then you get your precious arm so when you get your bionic arm right i'm a jig i'm sorry what is going on with norman osborne in this movie he's like in cryostasis like Walt disney yes he's got some debilitating disease that is the goblin disease i guess that you see in the second one i think i got the goblin disease. He does.

He just has like goblinitis in that second one. At the end of that movie he's like, yes, my son. Oh, right. And wait, Chris Cooper, man. That's right.

He started crying when he saw that Nazi plate. Which I wish, I thought they had teased that in this one, but it's not. No, it's a really bad case of we have no one to play this character yet because when he walks into Oscar, there's this massive screen in the lobby

and it's like Norman Osborne. And it's like, it's literally a cartoon character in silhouette. Yeah. It's like, you need to figure that out. Like, you listen, you're making a Spider-Man movie. Odds are you're going to have at least one sequel. See, that's the thing is they were thinking they were making a trilogy. And they weren't.

Hey, is this Mark Webb? Hey, it's Dylan Baker. How's it going? Awesome. That's fantastic. First of all, Mark Webb directed Spider-Man pretty funny. Can I play on Roman Osborne by any chance? You got anything, Peter's biology teacher?

Hello? Son of a bitch. I just don't get... I'm going to have to kill his kids. The new Spider-Man, the executive producer, oh, so you hired Rob Zombie to voice the amazing Spider-Man Kirk Goddors. That's interesting.

That's really interesting. That was in the MTV cartoon, which, by the way, is an animation damnation on Patreon. That's right. Would you like to know which one of your cars doesn't have brakes? It's just vapor lock.

So there's a, you know, there's a weird thing where Kirk Connors gets like super hard when Peter Parker can answer the science question correctly. Because he's like, how do you think I'm going to grow my limb back? Someone says stem cell research and he's like, oh, that's adorable. No, try again, stupid fucking kid. Excuse me, try something made up. Also, we're not at our best right now because you're making us incredibly uncomfortable. Because you're talking about like how uncomfortable you are. with your own disability

and it's making everyone very uncomfortable. And so Peter is like, oh, you would cross, you know, the genetics of some animals

or some shit. And he's like, oh my God, that kid gets. Um, yeah, you would like do the ninja turtle thing where you like,

do like radiation with a thing. Something, something. He's like, there's a fish that can, whatever. You get to mutagen going around. All right.

That's around. So I believe Dr. Connor's the answer is you'll be using the secret. of the use. Yes. The,

and then he starts flirting with Gwen Stacy and these are the best parts of the movie. Flirting hard. Well, because the best part of this movie, the best thing

this movie is going for it was that Andrew. Andrew Garfield and Emiston were fucking at the time. That's it. That's the whole point of the movie is that they were actually fucking at the time.

God bless America. They are making fuck eyes which is something you can't pretend. Oh, right. And they have insane chemistry. Like, it's not just the, I mean, the fuck eyes are there. Yeah, the fuck eyes are true.

They respond to each other very well in this. Yeah, no, they're very good together. Meanwhile, while they're flirting, this poor Rodrigo Greveri, you see him down to the lobby getting hauled out by the NYPD. That kid's future's over. Yeah, that kid's like, oh, I guess I'll just go back to my shitty apartment. That was my one chance to make it out of here. He shouldn't have been the villain in the second movie.

Oh, shit. They would have to play that one, like, two-second shot from this movie. Hey, I could play Rodriguez-Gavera. Just FYI, Dylan Baker here again for Mark Webb's assistant. I mean, we hate movies as a 50-old intern. Why can't OzCorp have a 50-old intern? Yeah, Suzanne? Suzanne, it's Dylan Baker again.

I mean, we're just been talking to each other so much on this phone that I feel like we know each other. Is a janitor role still open? Because I would even take that, honestly. I saw Dylan Baker once at Barnes & Noble. Oh, that's awesome. On Valentine's Day. Allegedly. Buying chocolates.

It was a real, oh, fuck, situation? I got some chocolates for you, baby. Yep, bookstore chocolates. Is he, like, married, or do you think there's a side piece? I imagine he's married. I think he's actually married to a woman. I think they might be, like, New York theater people. I think she's some sort of artist or something, too.

And it could have been something for somebody. Although, I don't know. Find chocolates for myself at a bookstore. After those chocolates. Valentine's Day to me. It might have been curtains after those chocolates. Hey, baby, you know, I got these chocolates for you. Look, it has Warren Peace on the cover.

It looks, you know, it looks like a book. It looks just like a book. So you open this book, and it turns out there's chocolate. It's a Walt Whitman sampling. All right, that's actually pretty good. Once every 10 years ago. They're all good, dude. They're just not all for you.

35-year-old interns, Steve Sadeach from the internet ticker says that he's married to Becky Ann Baker. Oh, that's right. That is right. And what's her current address? Okay. Everyone got their pens out? You're going to docks them. So, whatever, Peter sneaks off from the tour after Gwen Stacy sexily threatens

that she's going to get him kicked out if he does so. And then he goes into the spider reactor? What is this fucking thing? What are the odds, dude? You just accidentally walk into the spider reactor. This thing is fucking weird. He sees Iffron Khan who's in this movie who's like the he's just like

Norman Osborne's like number one guy kind of a thing and again one of the world's greatest living actors Irfan Khan is fucking awesome and in this movie

he's like yes you will do this for Mr. Osborne goodbye movie Irfan kind of ducks into the spider room real quick he puts in the pass code

he needs to get something from the spider room which is not a spider who I didn't realize it was occupied forgot my keys Occupied. It's just all these spiders. Here's your keys. Look, nobody comes in here. This is the best place to get a work jerk in.

Oh, man. Yeah, classic. Amongst all these webs, no one will notice. It's just a human web. He ducks it, ducks out. Peter goes in because he sees his code. He's like, wow, I'll get all these spiders. Ouch! And it's like, great, dude. I at least appreciate that I didn't have to see that cartoon spider chomping down. It gets into his shirt collar And then he's like, owie And that's it But then that night his neck starts

Coming webs Like there's a web come Right, it's more of a dribble It's kind of great Well he passes He leaves He's feeling all fucked up From the spider

He passes out in the subway In the most asshole way When I see people like this on the subway I'm just so furious Lying down on the bench You got your foot up You're passed out Wasted

Well, you've got ourselves a sick passenger here, guys. We better stop the train. Yeah, we better take 35 minutes out of people's day to deal with this fucking loser. Got to get up the train. I don't care what spider are you a bit by lady? I got to get to work. It's kind of great because it's at the middle of the day, he's on the queue train going downtown, middle of the day.

And the only people on this subway car is this rowdy gang of drunks who are in their mid-30s. And, like, there's, one guy is, like, putting beer on his head. Yeah, I was like, what is this, Santa Con? I mean, this is getting towards the end of the line. We're near Coney Island at this point, so. He's pulling his Steve Saneck, by the way. He's falling asleep on the train and going in the wrong direction. That hasn't happened in many, many years.

Well, thank God, dude, because we're almost 40 years old. Oh, God, I wish. Those were the days, though, man. Oh, I, well, for us hearing it, for Steve, I imagine it wasn't the days. Yeah, one time I. This was 20 years ago? This is 25 years ago. It was like right out of college.

It was like 23 or 24. I was going to the Bronx at the time. I got on at Union Square going uptown at like 2 o'clock in the morning. So this is like downtown Manhattan for those who don't know. Going uptown. Going all the way uptown. It's like an hour trip. It's a local train.

It's fucking 2 o'clock in the morning. I fall asleep. I wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning at Astor Place, which is exactly one stop further downtown. So I rode the train all the way up. It stopped. They cleared. Probably the guy did the thing with the dust pan.

Went all up and down. It dusted you. I just, I love this so much. I just love this story. I just picture Steve sleeping on the train. It's like actual time travel. Like I literally just lost three hours and a block. dude maybe you were like abducted by aliens or something oh that could have well I did have spider powers for a couple of weeks but they didn't take can I tell one that doesn't involve me but it involves Chris Cabin and I don't know if you remember this because of the state you were in it's a little tale that involves our friend Chris Cabin and friend of the show and friend in real life our good friend Justin J. Case been on the show multiple times the way JJ tells this story so he's getting up early to go for like a job interview or he's

got something where he had to be at some place at like 8.30 in the morning. So he's this is you guys were living in Brooklyn time you're living in Williamsburg. So JJ goes down into the subway it's super early in the morning he's fucking exhausted.

The train, the Manhattan bound train so it's coming from deep in Brooklyn the Manhattan bound L train pulls into the station and they're passed out on the bench in the subway car is Chris Cabin. So Somewhere, you were riding back and forth all night between Manhattan and Brooklyn.

Yeah, that makes sense. I don't remember that. He's just like, all, goodbye, Chris. Yeah, no, he didn't wake him up. Yeah, that sounds right. I love it. I think we've all flown asleep on the train. Oh, I used to do it all the time.

The problem is you're a little bit inebriated. The train is very soothing. You get a seat. You just pass out. Yep. I'm listening to what I like to call nighttime music. So that's not helping anybody. I'm just getting swayed by the train passing out.

That's what they think. that of my brother once and he lost his jacket that way he was wearing a leather jacket woke up at Cornell and not wearing a leather jacket dude that's what happens in Weekend of Bernie's too but that's about to happen to Peter Parker but he's got spider powers

and like he doesn't have to control him this is when like he he rips a lady's top off for a minute. This is very weird because she's like you spilled beer on me or something because he knocks into someone else who then I think spills whatever on her and then to apologize

he starts patting a stranger in New York in Brooklyn on the subway on the shoulder like tap tap tap tap it's going to be okay I'm going to be not only am I trying to apologize but I'm being patronizing on a piece of shit right now and I'm touching you don't be touching forbidden

NBT NBT never be touching never touch another person ever This is what you're talking about this is the Mr. Beaning Yes because then his spider comm is all over his hands and it's sticky fuck so it rips her shirt off and everyone's like great this dude is sexually insulting this woman

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh no and then it's crazy like peter tries to like web that one dude and then he gets a turkey stuck on his head he's so wild it's kind of like that because at one point he grabs like the the the pole in the subway and he breaks it off and he's just like oh terribly sorry and he's smacking everyone in the head with it oh i'm sorry your majesty it's totally mr b when when does he ruin whistler's mother in the sequel and he loses teddy bear um he winds up he winds up coming home at like four o'clock at the morning and and may and uncle but sally field by the way has nothing to do in this movie this might be a good time to explain why uh just really quick uh plugging sally field uh she's

in the movie forest gump oh the film forest gum right yes she was she was mother gumps mother she's known as mother gump uh that is going to be our patreon exclusive episode this month So if you want to check that out, go to patreon.com. And we're also doing Lincoln later this. We're not doing Lincoln, but Forrest Gump is happening. Hold on to your hat, and it's okay to like a movie, and it's going to be fine. It's also okay not to write an email. Yep.

Now, Sally Field, yes, as Aunt May has nothing to do in this movie. And this in from the internet ticker, the IMDB Tribune, the greatest source for entertainment news and fun tidbits. while a guest on the Howard Stern show in 2016 Sally Field was asked if she liked the amazing Spider-Man and her answer was quote not especially it's not my kind of movie but my friend Laura Ziskin was the producer and we knew it would be her last film and she was my producing partner and she was a spectacular human Laura Ziskin died of cancer a few years ago when Stern asked her how much effort she put into preparing for the Aunt May role

she said quote not a great deal it's really hard to find a three dimensional character in it and you work it as much as you can but you can't put 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag Sally Field rules oh no no it makes sense she'd be that honest after riding the

Sibian oh Stern didn't ask her to ride the Sibian the Sibian days of the Stern show are over but Bert Reynolds asked her to do that yeah for sure that was his mustache's name What kind of Sibby in your ride?

You want to sit on this fuck saddle? I'm just so glad that she's at a point in her career. And I mean, like, just where she's like, fuck it. I mean, and she's also Sally Field. Like, she got a little lose. Because, like, so many people do, like, oh, you know, I played the Joe Chill and the Batman Begins movie. Who kills Batman's parents? I read all the comics.

I spent weeks ported. Like, no, you fucking did not. And if you did, jokes on you, buddy, because you didn't have to do that Mr. Chill. Because it's a comic book, you got it, you're good. Like, you don't even look, yeah, maybe you get the role of Batman. You want to read about Batman. I think you're pissing off a lot of people right now, Steve. Sure, the dude who played Joe Chills was...

Also, though, I just appreciate... I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I made funny you, Mr. Chill. Now I'm using your voice. The whole courtroom thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I could take back what I'd done, I would. I'm sorry for what I did.

Her pearls, they were just everywhere. Hey, Joe, Falconey. says hi it's shot that man begins rules it does um no but the other thing that sally field does not do here is the thing that you see a lot of uh people like actors who get involved in comic book films i'm looking at you tommy lee jones this makes me think of him of like why did you take this role and it's she could have been like well my grandchildren just love the spiderman pictures so much it's like nope my friend was dying of cancer and i wanted to work with her that did this piece of shit movie irf and con pulled that shit he did

I read that too. He's like, I didn't want to do it. I thought it was a stupid fucking character. And it shows. And it was like his three kids wanted him to do it. This motherfucker have that same line for Jurassic World. Thank you very much. Was that character anymore?

This guy gets paid in duffel bags full of money. He's fine. Like, you know, his kids don't give his shit. So he kind of has, and like he walks in. He's got like spider munchies, I guess. Dude, that's what's hilarious. And they don't take it to the next. level yeah because the gag is he comes in with the munchies and aunt may needs to be like oh peter

was there some of the devil's lettuce in there yeah you have some of that wacky tobacco any of that like oh you know me and your uncle ben back in the 60s any kind of joke about weed because he's clearly supposed to look like he's hot yes so i don't know if they like cut a line or something he should be eating bugs he should be like i need bugs i need to go outshed he should come Renfield for like 50 minutes he wakes up the next morning he still has the spider powers and the whole gag here is like he keeps

grabbing and sticking to stuff he like rubs his eyes I was like it'd be fucking cool if he ripped his own eyelids off like oh totally like you know what I'd be great oh Frank Miller Spider Man sounds good to me now with 50% more terrorist related racism

I really love the thing where he's experiencing like he's got super hearing and there's this shot of he's got like this rack of old skateboards and there's a spider crawling across one and they like he looks at this spider like all no pun intended bug eyed and then like they zoom in on this like CGI spider just like walking across this skateboard and the spider I imagined was like how's it going like that spider shouldn't talk hey welcome to the club yeah totally I didn't know you like to get wet what do you mean you know PCP what did you give me

hi there Peter Yeah, it's Dylan Bicker. This is how I got into your movie. Doing the voice of the spider. I'm a voice in your spider friend here. Oh, the rest of my spider roll got caught. I was his sidekick. Spitey.

So whatever. Like, he goes to school. He gets into it with Flash Thompson. He beats the shit out of him, right? Brutely getting into fight. Oh, no. Well, this is, does he beat him up right here? No, he just humiliates him.

Oh, that's basketball. Oh, that's basketball practice. Flash Thompson throws a basketball at this girl who's making like a little banner and knocks over to. and knocks over like the paint can and he Peter grabs the basketball and starts like palming it

with the spider grip and whatnot this all ends in a good old fashion 1993 shack attack I couldn't believe I saw this in a movie in 2012 it is exactly like almost 20 years too late like it's like what are we talking about I'm just glad nobody said it

oh man it would be great it was like blue chips and Nick Nolte came out and recruited him get over here god damn it do that again did you take the money did you take the money Peter Park and you take the money throw it all away that's a movie we should probably do

I mean that movie kind of rules but it also kind of sucks it's kind of great it's right online but I would do it just for that just to say that I had a reason to watch blue chips again but for younger listeners the shack attacking

is breaking the he's dunking and he breaks the backboard correct which was something that was known for so then like Martin Sheen gets called and like this is the beginning of martin she and like dude just fucking take a chill pill like he's like ah you you embarrass that kid in front of your whole all your whole class right humiliated yeah and he's like yes i did like oh you feel like a big man now like well whatever

dude this guy beat the shit out of me two days ago and he's beating up little kids he's fucking with girls trying to make banners but martin fucking sheen from the beginning was like like when he came back and beat up by flash the first time he's like so how did you do with the other guy. I'm like, you have been doing this the whole time. No, but here's the difference that happened, because this time the school called him and he's pissed off because now he's missing work. Yeah.

He had to switch shifts. Right. It's a mysterious job. We don't know anything about. But he had to switch shifts, and now he's working on the night shift, which means he's fucking missing wheel. Also, he's missing wheel, but he also identifies with Flash Thompson, and he's just like, he sees himself

and Flash not. Oh, I see that. You know, Peter, if I was, if I was your age, I'd beat the shit out of you too. Exactly. He gave you a nuggie, huh? That's pretty cool. You know, I didn't like it when I saw you come home with the black eye. I thought, you know, you should really beat that

a guy. But I just met this flash guy. He is built like a fireman. Have you ever seen this guy? This guy is just handsome. He looks like a deflated Jai Courtney. I wanted to kiss him right on the mouth. You know, me and Flash Thompson got to talking outside

the principal's office, Peter, and he's a pretty cool guy. We really hit it off. You know, you made Junior Varsity? You know, Peter, I invited Flash Thompson to move into your bedroom. You saw old pictures of princes. He looks exactly like an old prince.

Like someone who'd ruled over England. While you look, I mean, you look. He's going to be helping me out of the shop for a while, whatever that is. So yes, you'll be seeing a lot of them. So he's like, oh, by the way, Peter, now that I got to switch, I had to switch shifts, you have to walk your aunt home from the, the, the, the,

subway stop or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I'll do. It's got to be there at 8.30 or something. Take a fucking cab. Take a, or just that whatever. Well, they'll bankrupt them. Good luck getting an exact time and when a subway is pulling in. Yeah, you're right.

Because I think the line is like, you have to meter at the subway station at 9 p.m. Yeah. What is his Amtrak? So, Spider-Man goes off to be, he's like, this is the cold play training sequence. Well, because he's excited for two, it's a two-fold excitement montage here, Steve. he's excited because he's testing out these Spider-Man powers, but also he's asked Gwen's

Stacy out to like hang. Got it. So like they do, they do little, not yet, not hang a brain just yet. And unfortunately before he can hang brain with her, she's murdered. Right? They don't, they don't they've been fucking. They're fucking in that second movie. That second one

they're fucking. Oh really? They're slapping brains. A hundred percent. And what? Slapping brains. Ask your mother Is that what they do with Avatar? Ask your Aunt May about slapping brains. Ann May, what's slapping brains? I wish your father was alive to tell you this.

Okay, slapping brains is Stupid spy get himself murdered. So he's like doing all sorts of fucking tricks and traps. I will say just really quickly, I regret my initial position on this movie the first time I saw it, but I will say one thing that stands, I appreciate the fact that a good chunk,

not all, but a good chunk of the spider-minning scenes in this movie is wirework and not CGI. Yeah, including right here. Because that does stick out in a couple of those first, even those rainy movies, which I really do like, but it does turn into a cartoon.

Like, every time he's about to swing off, it's like Superman running behind the fucking phone booth and coming out of cartoon. Exactly. It's very cartoony. What I miss is that he's doing all this at a construction, like an abandoned

Some, sure, yeah, in the middle of nowhere. And there's no guy saying, Hey, you piece of shit, get out of my fucking chainsaw. Excuse me, Chris, Cabin. It is not the middle of nowhere, because when you see the view of lower Manhattan, you realize he's in like the Brooklyn Navy Yards. There's no way you're fucking swinging webs in that place.

One thing I don't like is the addition of the skateboarding. Yeah. Skateboarding Spider-Man. So now we've got the training with the skateboarding. And what is it is usually going to be Tony Hawkman? Well, you can play as Tony. Spider-Man? You could unlock, do you remember this, Steve?

I do. You could unlock Spider-Man in Tony Hawk Pro Skater Dose, I think. It might have been too soon. So this was like an Easter egg for that? Yeah. I guess it was like a little gag. Because you could unlock him and he could, you'd skate around to Spider-Man and he could like sort of do some Spider-Man abilities.

Yeah. It was kind of cool. That game rules. That game was part two specifically. Yeah. That's when it got good. That's when a lot of people like me and Steve started wasting a lot of time. that's when the plot started to flesh

out a little bit. Yeah, big time. They really fleshed out a lot of the bios for those skaters. Unlocked Zephyroth. Yeah, and they killed off Tony Hawk's entire family after the first one. I'm sorry for what I did to Mr. Hawk. I'm sorry, Mr. Hawk for what I did.

I can't take it back. I love Joe Chill in that movie. He winds up going back home a little late, a little late. Aunt May had to walk. And she's totally fine with it. And he said, hey, you go in there and be a man

and apologize to your end. And this is, it's so uncomfortable. She got ravaged by savages on the way home. Marauders came by on their motor vehicles. It's mad max. You know, the great

humongous grabter. What the fuck's going to happen? You know, who would have brought my darling May home? Is that nice flashed Thompson? You piece of shit. next time Aunt May needs a walk from the subway station I know who I'm calling

Dial F for Flash Who the fuck is his old man called me It's going to walk his wife home Look dude I'm not Hey Mr. Parker Thanks again for calling I'm not gonna fuck your wife while you watch So I don't know what you're trying to start here

It's just not gonna What if you fuck me While I watch Fuck me in front of a mirror We should also mention, though, that on top of the web-slinging practice making him late, he goes to Kirk Conner's office afterwards, do some science experiments. Oh, right. And this is where, like, Peter Parker is like, oh, this thing that you haven't been able to figure out in fucking 16 years,

beep-bo-pop, now it's done. Now that rat grew an arm. Because he had, like, his dad's formula that was missing. This is like Goodwell hunting. Yes. It's big time. I don't like it. No, not at all.

And so you see here also, Ben is calling him over and over there. But also it's very important. This is where we're introduced to. It is called the Denali device. Oh. Which is a thing that Kurt Connors has invented that will go up and spray something into the atmosphere. And he says, like, you could kill a village malaria outbreak with this device. But people are scared that it could fall into the wrong hands.

And you're just sitting there like, Telegraph it further. You're going to use this in your evil plot at the end of the movie? Spell it out some more. Wow, that guy had a lot of interesting information. Who would think that a security guard? Driving back through Chicago on Friday. Yeah, there's the room with all,

this is the OzCorp room with all this stuff we don't use anymore. There's Mysterio's a whole suit there. There's the Venom symbiote over there. Yeah, you know. The goblin glider back there. Yeah, it's a real house, a high. in here. We don't keep it locked enough. The vulture wings, I mean, we got like halfway

through them and then we didn't do the other half. So he goes back, like, apologize to your aunt and he goes like, also, clearly like, because this kid got beat up, he's like, like, asking a lot of questions about his parents, like, ease up Uncle Ben. Like, you know what I mean?

Throttle it back, dude, you might be shot in the gut in a few hours. Grounding the kid and call it a day. But he's like, pushing it. You got to apologize. I don't like who you're becoming. The kid storms off. It's really awful, and here's the thing. You've got Andrew Garfield, Martin Sheen, and Sallyfield, three people, including Andrew Garfield, that I think are really good actors.

They're very strong. And when you have scenes like this in this movie, like, because what happens is, like, Aunt May is like, no, Ben, he doesn't have to apologize. And it's like this whole domestic thing. And it, I got total douche chills right here because it reminded me of like, you ever over at a friend's house and their parents argue in front of you? And you just want to go home immediately? Or you ever go to your own house and your parents are arguing with you? That I was used to, but it was a very specific kind of awkward when it was like, like, I remember one time I was sleeping over at a friend's house and we were driving home from dinner and like

this kid's dad like totally almost hit this jogger who was running at night. It was like really scary. And then it got into this whole thing because the wife was like, you didn't see that guy. And he's like, yes, I did. God damn it, you scream for nothing. And, like, the hallway home. Yeah. Like, we're sitting in, like, just a few feet away in the television room, like, watching

Sports Center. And it's just, like, up in the back, two people may or may not be getting divorced over this. It was so, but I got that same thing. Oh, God, their parents are fighting. I remember there was a fight between two parents, and they were, like, going to the movies or something. And they were arguing over the price of a movie ticket.

Oh, what? They were like, no, it's this much nowadays. No, no, no, no, that's just wait until we get to the box office. I interrupt. Oh, no. I was like, yeah, I was just like, oh, you know, I was at the, uh, I was at the movies the other day. It's like, it's $8 for the ticket.

And then they both look at me, silence, turn back to each other and start fighting it like I never sat on it. I don't know what that kid was talking about. Oh, my God. But you were correct, though? Of course. I was correct. Come on.

So he storms out. I also think of this scene and some of the other stuff, like, Andrew Garfield could do less. Like, he's doing a lot, and it's like not this movie kind of a thing. It's like, hey, man, please remember you're in a comic book movie right now? Exactly. You're in the fucking fourth Spider-Man movie. I know we're not putting the four on there.

You're in the fourth Spider-Man movie. So, yeah, he storms off, and he's not wrestling. So this is, like, the difference. This is what you bought your ticket for to see how Uncle Ben is going to get fucking final destination. I just can't believe, though, there is nothing addressed when he fucking slams that door and the spider strength shatters the glass. No one

says a word. If that was my father, you, now you get back here. My dad's voice would lower like eight octaves. Now you get back. Go in your room or die. That's when he puts on his Darth Vader mask. Absolutely. Only for the really serious one.

He only took that out on special occasions. And he starts, Uncle Ben starts following him. Peter goes to a bodega. He wants to get a chocolate milk. She, what are you doing, you stupid baby? Get a soda. I just yelled at my sort of parents, and now I want a chocolate milk. Is he George McFly?

Series, Lou, milk, chocolate. And he's two cents short, and the guy's giving him a bunch of shit. And he's like, here, I'll take the two pennies. And he's like, oh, we've got a store policy where you can't take a penny unless you spend $10. Fuck you, buddy. It's a New York City bodega. That shit is the Wild West. You'll take as many pennies as he pleases.

I guess that was just his two cents. So he, like, he struck. Oh, Eric. Oh, Eric, no. Chris Kevin's quiet, disgust over that terrible joke. I think he'll just bear, actually. He likes it. He likes it, though.

He won't say it, but he likes it. He's like, he started to leave the bodega. He's like, oh, whatever, man. He starts leaving. Some guy holds him up. You know what I mean? Like, this is a classic cash grab, though. I was actually pretty pleased with the, like, the forward,

the fast thinking. of this dude because he like pretends well he like purposely shoves a bunch of shit off the counter and when the dude bends down to pick it up he grabs the cash out of the drawer and then he's a pretty cool guy and then he throws a chocolate milk to Peter and he's

like hey man thanks you know what I mean like we're all in this together we're just all people man take a penny leave a penny Robin Hood shows up this guy's great he's kind of great and he leaves and like the guy is like hey stop that guy

stop that guy kid you gotta help me stop me stop it's like no I'm not gonna I'm not gonna charge an armed assailant exactly like I never understand I never understand in the wrestling scenario I don't understand to hear why fucking children have to go off

into the street become vigilantes all of a sudden it makes no sense for two reasons one yeah don't like yell at this kid to help you but also listen bodegas get robbed all the time in New York City you know what that bodega proprietor is not doing running out into the middle

the street chasing the guy. Because he doesn't get shot in the head. You leave these people alone. Yep. And that's what fucking Uncle Ben needs to learn. Oh, this guy's a fucking asshole in this entire scenario. What a piece of shit. Uncle Ben?

Yeah. The way it works is the guy is kind of running off. He's got a gun and he trips and the gun falls out of his hands right in front of Uncle Ben. And Uncle Ben's like, well, I'm going to wrestle this guy for this gun. And it's like, why? First of all, why? You're walking down the street. Sure, you might think you just committed.

a crime. But who cares? He stole $71. Yeah, totally. Yeah, he stole like a candy bar and this dude's going to fucking risk life over it. Not worth it, friends. And that this poor awesome criminal guy, now he has to kill Uncle Ben. He didn't want to do that when he woke up this morning. No. He knows the old fuck getting involved. He didn't want to do that at all. This guy is in fact, maybe the hero of the film.

So, yeah, Uncle Ben's shot in the gut. He goes down. I think it's because Uncle Ben, like did a weird move grabbing this gun. I don't even think this dude meant to like pull the trigger. Also though, like don't try to do suicide by by burglar. I think so. He's just like, I don't want to deal with walking Sally Field home another night.

He's pissed off that he missed the wheel, dude. It's suicide by surprise. I think he did mean to kill himself. I mean, he's looking for trouble every night. He's just walking the streets. I mean, I did find it pretty moving when like Andrew Garfield like kneels over.

and Martin Sheen saying all things like, you know, make sure it flashes at my funeral. It's really important. Make sure he's in a really nice suit. I want him to be my pallbearer. My only Paul bearer. I want to be held in those tree trunk arms once in my life. Flash Thompson will give my eulogy.

May's going to fight for it, but make sure it's flat. Flash. I've left Flash the house. You will pay rent to hear. In catch. So he eats shit, thankfully without saying a word. No, yeah. That wasn't too bad.

He also at some point kind of does great power with great power. With great power comes great responsibility, but he kind of like garbles the words a little bit. So we're like, do it. This ain't your mama, Spider-Man. And it's in a voicemail that we have to hear. Oh, right. No less than three times in this movie. So he's dead.

And Andrew Garfield's very upset. And you know what? And so he's like, I'm going to become a vigilante. Right. And I'm going to find who killed. to Uncle Ben. The guy who killed him, by the way, looks like fucking Chad Kroger from Nickelback. He does. He does. He does. He does.

He has long blonde hair. And apparently... If it's Chad Kroger, use that shampoo that straightens your hair out, get rid of those fucking weird poodle curls that that guy has. And Spider-Man picks up the rest of the members of Nickelback in this fucking montage of him trying to find this

motherfucker. Eric, you would have been picked up by Spider-Man. He's looking for fucking tall blonde guys. You would go right down. You can fucking take me, man. Throw your, fling your web is on me. And the move is I guess he gets a detail from the cop at the scene. This guy's got a little tattoo of a star on his left

wrist. So with every guy that Peter Parker shoves up against a wall like a school principal, he's checking to see if he could have not been a tattoo. He could have just gone to a nightclub the night before. That was his re-entry pass. I didn't wash my hands so I'd get back into the reggae lounge. Isn't like a

tattoo of a star? Maybe it's a moon is how in Taken, they identify Mako from Tripoya. Oh, does you just have any tattoos you can see? Correct any distinctive markings. So he's going around hunting like in a Ramon's shirt, trying to find this dude. He accidentally falls through,

and now we get the sort of wrestling nod. And, you know, I couldn't believe it. Like, you want to talk about a movie legitimately representing New York fucking city. Here we go. Finally, someone, a film having the guts to represent the large amount of abandoned fucking, luchador rassling arenas that are just hidden

throughout the city. Absolutely. He falls through the roof of this building into this abandoned luchador ring and it's like this, it's 2012 New York City, this would not be left like this. That's a fucking condo that no one can afford right now. Or a wedding venue or something. Yeah, exactly.

The Grand Prospect Hall, where your dreams come true. I love that commercial. It's a good commercial. And whatever. so he realized he should have a mask so he designs a Spider-Man mask and this just leads into a montage like a gadget montage

which he does that first Ramey movie have a gadget montage? Well no because he doesn't have any gadgets Oh right he's got the weird fucking wrist vaginas Yeah isn't that what they have here Is he actually make but he's coming out of his neck though That's just a weird like it's the remnants from the bite or whatever No dude he's fucking cumming shit out of his body

That's I mean not so he makes a thing that that takes all of his neck come into his I mean, no, I think it's just it's a thing where he makes synthetic webs. Yeah, we see him testing that out at one point. He gets them from OzCorp somehow because he's like reading about

it on their website. Yeah, and there's also a lot of him like watching YouTube videos in this part of the, I don't know what's going on here. Again, two hours and 16 minutes man. It's way too much. You don't need it. I know what Spider-Man does. So at night he's going around

and he's beating these people up because he's heroic, right? You know what's actually pretty heroic is watching a movie with your newly widowed elderly aunt that raised you like a son. You know what I mean? Like maybe spend some time with that lady for even a minute. What movie? You know, whatever she likes, ladies' choice. Steel magnolias, forest gum, snuff. I was naming films that Sally Field.

Soap Dish, possibly. Soap dish sounds like a good one. Do you think Sally Field killed that girl? I think so. I think she was the knifeman in that. that 8mm movie. And Sallie! Machine!

Yeah, here I come. Oh, Nicholas, Kate, you don't know what you've gotten into. Sorry, I'm late. Machine is here. We can roll. Roll them, boys. And Sally Field as Machine. Oh, awesome.

You like me. You really like me. Now I'm going to cut your throat. Yeah. No, I didn't put any effort into amazing. Spider-Man, but in 8-millimeter, I was going for the fences. I gained 50 pounds.

Of pure muscle. So he's jacked Sally Field. Just imagine it. Oh, that's terrifying. I pinched past a Buick. Could you not? That's my fetish. So he has this one run in where he's

got this one suspect who he thinks is this guy, and he webs him to a wall, and then like this cop on a motorcycle shows up. And Spider-Man's giving this officer guff. Sure. And then like the rest of the, rest of the, like, it feels like almost the rest of the police force show up right here.

A lot of cop cars swarm this thing. Peter Parker has, like, a little bit of a hard time getting out of here. And there's a YouTube video at this point, possibly? Yeah, it's like now, like, word is getting around New York City. There's a vigilante, blah, blah, blah. Is this where you see Dennis Leary gives a press conference at one point? Welcome to the movie fucking, like, fourth-billed Dennis Leary. It's very weird.

53 minutes. George Stacey. This movie is so tedious. I cannot believe it. Well, when he escapes the cops right here, though, there's another... I don't remember what it...

Oh, I was complaining about it on our Forrest Gump episode, and it fucking happens here, too. He makes another obnoxious Midnight Cowboy reference. Because he's trying to swing away, and the cops like kind of get him, and he gets, like, fucked up,

and he sort of like bumps into a couple of cabs or something, and he does the old I'm swinging here I'm swinging here and dude my eyes rolled back so far I fell over

let him do the rest of the shit Rizzo does in that movie have him go to Andy Warhol's fucking you know party let him do all that shit and then you can say this it's not doing it I'm swinging here

I'm swinging here yeah please someone reference another scene from that movie maybe like watch that movie or don't or watch any other New York movie yeah

You know, like have Spider-Man say, sometimes I wash off the blood, sometimes I wash off the come. Or, you know, he's in an establishment and people won't leave. And he goes, now you just can't leave. You know what? These are New York movies. Taking a Palmon, one, two, three. Where's my hot dog sandwich? Have, that's what it is, cabin.

Have Spider-Man yell lick my bunghole motherfucker. Yeah, there you go. Exactly. Exactly. Do spiders have bungholes? Yeah, so they have to. They got that big butt, right? he should grow a big butt

Oh my god That'd be amazing A big spider's ass Yeah I'm into that idea He's just a plump ass It would flesh him out Well plump

He's so Yeah By the way nice with plump But he's so scrawny this guy He needs a plump butt It's like in that scene In the first one Like where he's muscular

And all the girls like Whoa what happened to Peter It's like well Peter's ass got juicy What happened there? Look that fucking juicy Goboosy fucking huge bite out of that shit. Good Lord. Right?

Like they're working it into their sex now. That's a perfect peach. Peter Parker. Peter Snacker. You can smash a can with that ass. So he gets an invite to dinner at the Stacey residence. Sure. And this is a weird thing because, and Steve, I don't know,

and I know you're not a super Spider-Man guy. We all know you're more of a D.C. guy. is it ever told what Mrs. Stacey does for a living? No, because Mr. Stacey is just a police captain, which is a prestigious role, a profession to have, right? But they have a gorgeous apartment on some part of Central Park. It's nuts. What are we fucking doing?

And they go to the same school? I guess, I don't know. I think it's a magnet kind of school where in like... Because it's like Midtown science. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like a specific high school that you could test into. But yeah, so she's like, you know, a rich cop's daughter. Right, which is obviously means he's on the take.

He's got to be. Yeah. Or he's pins get, oh, yeah. Oh, that would be great. Dennis Leary. Bring me a captain George Stacy. That would be great though, dude. If he just had like a one off line where he was, Dennis Leary's like, all right, you know what?

I got to leave dinner early. I got to go take a meeting down in hell's kitchen. Yeah. Kitchen Hell's kitchen Good Don't know for you He's so good in that

But it's so funny So yeah They're all eating their own Branzino They got Rich boy over here Lord Anybody notice the one kid

The oldest son right here No He was in that Horrible Vacation reboot slash sequel And now he's the dude In Booksmart Funny fucking kid

I will say he's grown up to be a very funny comedic actor I think he's on the Santa Clarita diet He is yes, yes Oh I was on the Santa Clarita diet Oh so was I didn't take How did we not know? Did not take Oh you were out

Damn it I was making a joke about cameos You were making a joke about being on a literal diet Fuck that whole thing just crashed as Didn't work because you got a plump ass You got a little bit of a thick bottom I'm not afraid of it It's like a fucking spider ass over here

Well, Steve Pipp had been inactive a spider or what? Can we get that to do we have enough pull to let's replace the word booty and stuff like that. It's so tired. Yeah. Are people still saying booty? I think so. Dude, yeah, dude. It's not trending or anything.

You're trying to get web ass trending. No, like, do spidey instead of booty. Like, they got a spidey ass. Oh, all right. Well, is it just spitey or is it spidey ass? It's, I would choose your own adventure. I think he's got a good spidey kind of works. Yeah, yeah, that's almost.

That dude's got a good spidey. People aren't just going around saying booty ass. Maybe I am. So we have the... Right around here, the dinner gets interrupted because it's the first reveal of the lizard. Yes. Who's attacking a bunch of cars on the Williamsburg Bridge.

While this dinner is happening, it's cross-cutting between, like, Kirk Connors injects himself with a serum. Because Erf and Khan is like, you have to immediately go into trials, and he says no. And Erfant Khan's like, all right, that's cool. I'm going to take some of this fucking serum

down to the VA and give it to a couple of those guys. He's going to say, I'm going to just tell them that it's a fucking flu shot. I'm going to infect a ton of people with this experimental drug. With monster medicine, what are you talking about? It's a commentary on how we treat veterans in the United States right now. I totally

agree, but you need to bring these veterans to a secondary location. So if they turn into monsters, it's like not coming back to you. We call those staging areas. It needs to be a place that looks like the VA, right? You give them some sleeping serum. You take them out of the real hospital, put him into the staging area.

They wake up like Captain America. This sounds like a Mission Impossible thing you've got going on there. Orphan Khan's wearing a fake mask. Absolutely. I don't know about Bebop, but I think Rocksteady might have served. Yeah. Rock steady.

Rock steady served our country. Yeah. Thank you for your service, Rocksteady. He's also. Bebop was shooting up junk downtown. He mutates into a monster just like Kurt Connors does. The Lizardman. And what's great about this is when he gets.

It's his fucking, the lizard man hand is like a, it's coming out and it's like looks human at first for a little while before I guess he changes. And it's all slimy and weird. And you just know he's fucking pulling pud with that. Oh, absolutely. Dude, it's like a, it's like the stranger.

It's the strangest stranger. It's already pre-loved. Yeah, you don't have to think about that. It's all loopy and he's just, he's just fucking going to town. You get a real science fiction jerk going? Yeah, because it's like he hasn't jerked off with his left hand or his right hand

since God knows. win. When did he lose his... We never know the circle of Vietnam. I do not believe it. No, he was on vacation in Vietnam. It was a boating accident. He was fighting Rambo who came back to free all those veterans that were trapped there. Rambo cut his hand off.

Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say, while this dinner party is broken up, Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker on the roof of this magnificent fucking Central Park West Department. Yeah. And they're making out hard. Yeah. Super sexy. Sure, dude. Right.

Good kiss him. Mrs. Stacy interrupts the fucking tongue kissing. What? He's about to take a spidey out. Yeah, so he's going to take his ass out. I'm about to present to her his bottom. About the flat brains over here.

It's in this scene. When this is over, not now. I certainly don't want to know now. Explain to me with slapping brains. I really want to figure it. I'll give him the rest of the episode to make up in the answer. Also, explain to me what you think sex is. I can tell you right now.

You got two. Okay, so you got your, you got a spidey in your brain. If you got men's genitalia is kind of nasty And then the ladies is no prize either And then they smash them, they flap them together Uh-huh You know what I mean? And then maybe sometimes you do some spidey stuff

And then in the end a baby hat We are going to remake back to school with Eric Siska And have him go back and learn biology again Back to the family life program in the sixth grade I know biology dude anyway, they're making out hard. And then Mrs. Stacey's like, hey, oh, this is uncomfortable. It's here that he has revealed to her that he is indeed Spider-Man.

And so they're making out or whatever. And then he jumps off the roof to, like, go to the Williamsburg Bridge. And she's in the door. And this is the greatest Emma Stone line of the movie. And her delivery is, I think she's very funny. Yeah. And she has a great delivery of this. She just goes like, oh, I'm in trouble.

Yeah, like it's, it's, it's the only legitimate laugh I got in this movie of any of the things she's supposed to be laughing. She's really great. She's really great. Um, so yeah, the lizard is on the bridge. He's going after Erf and Khan. Yeah. Because somewhere in his brain still is like, please don't harm those veterans. But I also think he wants to kill him anyway. Well, of course there's bloodlust. Also, Erf and Khan said he was going to get Dylan Baker in here to do it anyway. He's ready to get rid of him. Hey, Mark Webb. Uh, yeah, Dylan Baker again, buddy. Just calling. Uh, got my hands on a. I got my hands on a. copy of the script here. It turns out there's a scene where Erf and Khan's going to be sitting in a car. If he's in the backseat someone's got to be driving. Call me back. Oh God. Mark, did you really cast C. Thomas Howell?

And you didn't? Call me. That's fucking great. Yeah, that's going to burn his ass dude. Yeah, so whatever. It's this big lizard. It's almost a lizard fight. You kind of start to see. The lizard looks like a goomba from the Mario Brothers. 100%. Why does he have this round bald head?

I don't get it. You got to give him spikes, right? One thing I do like is that he, like, can crawl on the ceiling and stuff. Yeah. No, it's all fine except for the fact that he looks like a goomba. Yeah, I mean, he should be dancing in an elevator. Give him, like, a fin or something sharp. Yeah, a fin would be fun.

A nice dorsal fin. Or a horn? How about a nice horn? He's fucking horny as shit, dude. Sure. I know they want to make... I know they want to make it their own thing here, but really just make him look like he looks like in the fucking comment. That was like an interesting look.

Get me purple pants. Purple pants. Purple pants. He's fucking horny when he sees that spidey come out. It happens a couple times. He has like the lab coat on, but it gets torn off. And I'm like, that's not doing it for him. He's a hulked out lab coat.

And I'm sorry, that thing would not be hanging on like that. No, it should, he should just be a big lab coat that he's in. And it's fun. Yep. So he just like also buys a big lab coat from when he's a lizard. Yeah. He takes off his regular lab coat, injects himself, and then puts the, the bigger lab coat. code on.

Walt Lizard. So he's like a lizard, but he's like modest. Yeah. He's a professional. It's been as a doctorate. So there's a big fight on the bridge. He's like hucking cars off this bridge

and Spider-Man's like hanging him up with the web. He sort of like fights. We get a little bit of a fight here and then the lizard sort of runs off. Erf and Khan is fine. Yeah, but also not in the rest of the movie. Exactly. Is he dead?

Is he not? I guess he's fine. Yeah. I guess save it for the sequel. That mysterious sequel. cut him out because he was supposed to be goblin and like he was supposed to get his arm ripped off or something. No, what are you saying?

There was, there was, it's on the IMDB Tribune. There was something where like there were scenes of him like where he had to like pretend like he didn't have an arm essentially. Oh, man. And it was something, like he was going to be proto-goblin was the idea but then they... A proto-goblin. Is that canon? Yeah, I think

that's probably, there's probably a proto-goblin. There's always a proto-goblin. I think they just went with a lizard because they're like, fuck it, you know. Well, finally somebody had the good grace of like, you know, Maybe we've seen enough of the Green Goblin. Maybe. Just maybe. Just maybe. That's not the best character that ever existed. And it doesn't need to be in every movie.

So, yeah, then it's just there's a little kid stuck in a car, kind of like most of the Jurassic Park movies. Yeah. And see Thomas Howell, of all people, is the father screaming after this kid. Pony boy himself. Spider-Man gets down there because this motherfucker ain't staying gold up there. Man, he's a coward. He's not saving his own son. And he takes his mask off, gives it to the kid.

Like, it's like this thing. It's like, beautiful scene. He's like, you have the Spider-Man power now. You climb to me. Yep. No, him to me. And this is for like the end of the movie. Yeah.

You know what I mean? If you're taking this mask off in public, that's the end of the movie, buddy. This is like, we're almost like 90 minutes into this movie. And I thought I was like, oh, well, it's wrapping up. Pause it. Fucking like hour left. Yeah. Outrageous.

Because again, the first, we're in the second of the two movies. Because the first movie with the origin story, now it's the lizard show. Yep. So he does save this kid from this flaming wreckage. And like, Steve Thomas, I was like, oh, man, my son, I owe you one, Spider-Man. Maybe I'm going to stop this movie dead later. I'm going to see you later. Hey, Spider-Man, anytime you need me to pump the brakes on this story, you just give a holler.

But it's a real to really eat shit for like three minutes. This is my beeper number. You beat me. You beat me. um yeah and he's doing like a he's like my son my son and like spider man's like bumming out about that clearly um so that's like that whole thing there's also around here when things start lizarding out you notice this it's a fucking dc universe es guitar score oh yeah man it's it's not as prevalent as like dana but it's it's there someone's rocking out on this score it's not as

the elector, oh, Spider-Man, what you do to me. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, so never mind. I retracted the complaint. What the hell is that from? That's from Amazing Spider-Man, too. Oh, right, previous episode. It's like, he's talking through his own score. Oh, that's stupid.

It's really bad. So, I guess around now, Dennis Leary's like, we're going to ban Spider-Man. I want Spider-Man. There's a warrant out for his arrest, yeah. Dennis Ler has my favorite line in this And it's just his throwaway thing Where he's on the phone He's like, well tell the mayor

No, there isn't a dinosaur roaming New York City And I'm like, man, I would love to make that phone call Mayor, actually there is a dinosaur He's around the Sephora at Columbus Circle And then Peter Parker comes to him and says like, yo, this is like Kurt Connors, he's like, Kurt Connors, the man that wrote my daughter's college admission

letter letter you think I'm the mayor of Tokyo which he says yeah I think that's a little Dennis Larry special like I'll just punch up this script here what does that mean though

I think it's like a Godzilla reference yeah because it's like oh you're saying a radioactive guy turned into a wizard and he double taps it he says he says it twice he says that and then he's like a good script

here, let me just punch it up here, get a leery. Right? Let me tell you what Spider-Man. The Denizens of Tokyo. Yes, he's like, well, go save the denizens of Tokyo. Let me tell you what, Spider-Man, okay? Spider-Man will crawl on all the walls. Oh, man, the fucking Dennis Leary shit.

Wait, wait, let me see what Bill wrote about this. Let me get my Bill Hicks notes. I was obsessed with No Cure for Cancer. I must have seen No Cure for Cancer 30 times. And lock and load. Lock and load. I think I was... You were, you were an asshole. Oli, oh, leo, leo, oh, leo.

Absolutely, dude. And I'm still like kind of a leery head. I like him when he pops up and stuff sometimes. I'm not watching fucking goddamn Animal Kingdom. Absolutely not. Which I find out hasn't been canceled each and every NBA finals. So Animal Kingdom is like an American television. adaptation of the Australian

film. You got some spidey ass in that shit? Nope. It's TNT. You got some what's her face is in it. Ellen Barkin. You got some Ellen Barkin' ass in that movie. Oh, really? The movie is what got by Mendelssohn's a lot of attention. Yes, Melissa Leia. No, no, no. What's her name? No, Jackie. Earl

Haley. Haley. Jackie O'Halee in a dress. No, Jackie Harve. That'd be amazing, though. That would actually be pretty great. I'm going to look it up. Jackie Kennedy O'NASIS. No. She's also Australian.

Yes. She was in... Jackie Hugo Weaving. It might be, no. She was in... Weaver. It's Jackie Weaver. Yes, it is.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the mom in the Steve McQueen movie. She was the mom. She played the mom in Steve McQueen's widows. Elizabeth DePickey's mom in widows. Right, right, right. Fantastic.

So, Stephen, when I was... and widows. Oh, no, I wasn't. No, he's Stephen. That's David. Oh, David. But he's talking to the mirror. Dude, Tobo acting in a scene with Tobo? I would love it. Sign me up. Dude, three hour cut. Like a Stephen Tobolowski clone movie? It is not me. It is my

clone. He's in my house. Eat my birthday cake. Shoot him. He's the one. Can you imagine? I would love it. Hey, Steve, Steve Tobolowski. Nice to say to Dylan Baker. Hi, yeah. You're making a clone movie.

Sounds like you could use a one-armed scientist in that club. You know, if I shave my head a bit, I look like you... Yeah, heard you need a clone. He was the main... Yeah, hi, it's me. Hi, I'm Stephen Tobolowski. I can do that better. I'm a Stephen a Tobolowski.

Right? And that's it, right? All right, I'll go. Dylan, could you get up? out of the office, please. Oh, Dylan, you are fantastic. So there's a bunch of fucking, like, sewer shit. The lizard's

got his hideout down there. There's a whole other fucking lab. Spider-Man sets a trap to, like, photograph him for some reason. It's weird that we're getting photography here because Jay Jonah Jameson does not exist in this world. The whole journalism thing seems pretty much dropped. It's just like he's kind of a shutterbug, we're told at the beginning

of the movie, but like, why is he getting photographic evidence to prove to Dennis Leary, I guess? To jerk off over it. Oh, some spank material for later. Yeah. Well, it's kind of funny that both these movies kind of split the difference because the Peter Parker thing kind of doesn't make sense. Like, yeah, I'm, as the comic book character, is like, yeah, I'm a

genius level scientist that can make all sorts of amazing webs and all sorts of shit. I can invent my own technology. But I prefer to be an marginally employed photographer for a man that hates my guts. Hey, man, do what you love. So the, you know, the, the, the

Ramey movies, like, we'll take the photographer thing. Oh, cool, we'll just take the scientist thing. And neither the twain shall meet. Yeah, you're totally, that's right. I never really thought about that. But, yes, in those Ramey movies, like, he's very smart. Yeah. But he's not a scientist.

No, and he's not as smart as he is in this movie specifically. Yeah, you're totally right. This is just setting up the camera so that he could, like, say, choke me, daddy to the lizard when he goes off. But so the lizard finds the camera after a little sewer, you know, fight here. And on the back with this fucking label maker, property of Peter Parker.

Idiot. It's a fucking Simpson. It's a literal Simpsons game. It is. And you know what? Peter Parker, you are living in the five boroughs, man. Anybody finds that camera and sees that? They are slowly peeling it off. That stinks of Uncle Ben did that as a nice thing. Oh, right. And then he was like, he was too ashamed after

the death to like actually peel it off. Right, right, right. It says, Peter Parker. By the way, what is with the lizards, the little lizards, that are all over the New York City subway? I saw that. It's like his babies. I don't know. Is that what it's supposed to be?

I mean, it is a lot like fucking penguin and Batman returns. I guess. Right, but at least there was a fucking zoo. Yeah, yeah. Or there was like a relationship between him and the penguins. Are we pretending that that's happening? And I've never seen a lizard in New York City. Absolutely not.

It should be sewer all the aviators should be doing all the containers, dude. Yeah. Like just a gator walking like just standing up. Hello. To do it is bidding. What do you need for me, my mask? I was misremembering the, like, big scheme of his in the movie, and I was like, oh, he's planting those around Manhattan, so when this gas goes off, there's going to be lizard monsters. But it's the gas turns people like him into lizards.

So I don't know. They, like, smell their own, and he's, like, the biggest one, so he's, like, the king lizard? I guess. Sure. So whatever. It's like that Australian band, King Gizzard and the Lizard people, what's that band? They're pretty good. I can never remember their name, though.

He winds up going to the school to kill Peter Parker. Right. And this is like just the big, it's a school fight. It's a, it's a pretty good fight. He comes out of the toilet, which I kind of like.

Absolutely great gag. Goolies go to high school. And he kind of looks like a goalie because he's bald like the goolies. Yeah, he's like a big old goo. This is where we get our Stan Lee cameo. This is a good Stan Lee cameo for two reasons. One, it's funny and two.

he doesn't say anything. It's silent. Yes, he's got headphones on and he's like a librarian shelving stuff. He doesn't notice that his library is being torn apart during this fight. It's pretty great. It's fine. It's just like break fight. Break fight for the 45 minute end of this movie.

But what's weird is the bridge thing has way more like public peril here, which is why it feels like the end of a movie. This fight scene, the school fight scene, is a perfect mid-movie. movie fight. Yeah. Because nobody gets, nobody's really, the school's evacuated

immediately. There's no, like the public isn't really in danger in that way. When Stacey gets involved a little bit here, Peter throws her out the window and saves her with a web. Right, right, right, right. When Stacey gets the other fucking Dennis Lerry line,

when they're back, like, fucking Peter Parker after the big fight comes up to her, like goes into her room at night. And then like Dennis Liri is like, I want some cocoa. And she's like, no, dad,

I have cramps. Oh, right. And he acts like she just said, I have seven children on the way. Yeah, well, it's your, it's your classic, uh, uh, he stole that joke from Tim. He wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't stealing jokes from Bill, Bill, uh, Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks, thank you. Uh, uh, you're stealing jokes from Tim Allen. Does the Tim Allen, uh, oh, my daughter's got her period. Now that's, uh, now, to be fair, we don't know that Dennis Lurrie wrote that joke.

No, I'm not, I'm not, uh, but in that scene, it's also important because, like, he comes back in. Like, he comes, he sneaks back into her bedroom and he's like, so, I'm Spider-Man. How, on a skill of one to a million? How horny are you right now? And she is like, hey, man, I don't think we could get it on because, like, you can't be coming into this room beat up all the time. It's a lot to handle. Sure. She does have, there's a good moment here where she's like, listen, my dad's a cop.

Every day he fucking straps a gun to the side of his body and walks out the door. And I never know when he's coming back. Sure. Which, as the son of a cop. I fucking totally relate to. Then it's hilarious because he's like, well, all right, if you don't want to fool around, you want to go web slinging? And then he's just like, it's like fucking Superman.

They just missed the song. Isn't web slinging a kind of fooling around at this point for him? Oh, yeah. Well, you got to, you know, your hands are all over the place. That's the thing is like, one is web, one is come. She doesn't know. One is web. Well, no, that's not where it comes from.

Again, dude, I think you need to go back to biology. Yeah, I don't really know. You have no fucking understanding of the human body. We really have to do a whole wash here. Oh, shit. But they were desperately trying to smash their whatever. Yes, the whatever's. These fucking hillbilly schools in the middle of nowhere, my God.

So the movie's almost over right now. Spider-Man's is briefly stunned by the police. Right. Dennis Lurie shoots him from a helicopter. He's got like the Swat team. They care way more about Spider-Man than they do the lizard on the loose. The last act of the movie takes place. It's at night for some reason. It's just at night.

And like the lizard wants to, Lizard is kind of like most disgruntled, fired employees just wants to get home to go back into the office, get his stuff, like, you know what I mean? They're not have a hassle about. Just trying to clear out that desk, dude.

I had an Amazon package that I didn't even open yet. Can I just... I'm not going to be weird about anything. My bowling trophies, yes, much like Uncle Ben, I have bowling trophies. What he wants to get. Well, he actually grabs his gas thing.

Right, the gas that has the the lizard toxin in it. And you know, we don't get enough of the city of lizards because he starts spraying it. We got some cops turning in the lizards. Way more city of lizards, dude. And this is a massive letdown. Yeah. Because this people should be going lizard crazy. It should be like the last act of chud where everybody, everything's on the table. Yep. Exactly. John Goodman's that cop in the diner. He's freaking out. And like the only way to stop it is with a fucking gas explosion. Yes, exactly. Bosch is there. Uh, and So there's a thing here where it's kind of hilarious because it's just, it's Spider-Man on a cell phone casually making a call.

Yeah. And he calls Gwen Stacy and he's like, hey, this is what, you know, Kirk Conner's is trying to do. You need to fucking haul ass up to the Oscar office. This is how you make the fucking antidote and whatnot. And we, you know, we need to get this. If we put that in this big machine, the cure will go out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the lizard's running around.

He's just hucking these gas grenades at people. Yeah. By the way, Dennis Leary lets Spider-Man go because he sees that it's Peter Parker and, you know, he realizes they're on the same side kind of a thing. And also, yeah, so I mean, yeah, I just want more like people turning into lizards, people not turning into. I want pure body horror. I want people screaming. I want some old couple being scared. Like, run, Harold, it's a monster. Exactly. Everyone's transforming. And I want people to be like, there's a portal from hell down there. You know what it has to be like? When people are going fucking crazy in Ghostbusters 2. Yeah.

Gone Flip City. She wants to know me. Wants to know why everyone I go on Flip City. And there's like that old lady and she's got the fucking dogs that are dancing on her like Minkgoal. Like just mass hysteria. Also, all these lizard people used, most of them used to be cops, so they have guns. That's lizard monsters plus guns. Automatic.

I want one guy to be like, finally, this is what I've always wanted. Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayers. I'm a lizard. In today from New York City, the lizard people finally came out of the sewer. What have I been telling you people for years? This is going to be a celebratory chilly night. Oh, by the way, I'm emailing you child pornography. Oops.

I will be in jail for a long time. so much so my children were forget I exist Oh this benefits liberals Okay this was a false flag lizard invasion You need to know this now folks And false flag lizard invasion They hired the Jim Henson company To make these lizard puppets

I'd be into it I'd be okay for turning into a lizard At least for it like a little while Just a little bit man I want to know what it's like to lay an egg Do you think like dudes could If they turned into the lizard people like could lay an egg I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't want to lay an egg

Well, the thing is, he, that's, I want to cook your egg, dude. That's what the lizard is all about. He wants, he's like, no, no, no, no. This fucking exterior genitalia nonsense, it's a, it's a trap. Absolutely. We need to start laying eggs. Nice hole that, like, sprays in and out of it. That's it.

I don't know how it works. I'll bet that. So the lizard is like scaling the OzCorp building. Nice scaling. Oh, nice. Yeah. Well, this is, hold on. Oh, I'm just beeping somebody really quick.

I just stopped the movie. Because I fucking see Thomas Howells cut his show back up. This is so insane. And what is the deal? Because, oh, that's what it is. He's shot in the leg, Spider-Man does. Dennis Leary is like, all right, you can go, Spider-Man. And he runs off.

And all these cops are like, hey, he's getting away from DeBoss. And they start firing wildly. And Dennis Lewis, like, hold your fire. And this one dude, like, nicks him in the thigh. So then it's like, Spider-Man's crawling off this building. And you get this news report. This guy's like, Spider-Man is scaling this building. looking a little sluggish.

It appears that Spider-Man may have a cramp. We don't know exactly what's happening. So he gets to the top of the- Spider-Man had a big dinner, a report. Spider-Man had a very large dinner. Spider-Man went swimming less than 30 minutes after eating. I also think Spider-Man might have got nicked in that juicy plump ass. That spidey ass he's got.

Marcia, look at that thing. Can we get a camera on that? Wowza. That kid's got a big ass. Of course a slow dragging that thing All up the side of a building like that It's called gravity folks And he wants to mash that with a human woman

So yeah See Thomas Howell I guess like spies what's going on Or sees the television And he knows exactly what to do And he's like He gets on this phone and he's like Hey Angelo

You gotta call Vito and call Oh get all these guys up Line him up boys Meanwhile, the city is being evacuated due to lizard plague. And like this, and like, what are the guys like, what are you talking about? What can't call anybody? They're evacuating the city? No, no, no.

I'm calling in favorites today. I'm like, no, dude, I'm not turning into a lizard. Go fuck yourself. I'm C. Thomas Howell, and I'm the leader of all these crane people. And I'm the last guy you want to mess with a crane. And so, like, all these motherfuckers and hard hats are just operating. operating this machinery and lining up all of these cranes so that Spider-Man has like an easy, straight shot to Oscourt Tower. Which is very similar to that all that stupid shit that I've been in all three of those Ramey movies where it's like,

where New Yorkers, you don't mess with us. Get out of our city. And the original one happened on a fucking bridge. Exactly. Just don't do it again. Like that's the easiest thing not to do. audiences around the world cringed three movies in a row

yes why make it a perfect four but they don't know if it's in New York unless yeah we're all getting involved so he's oh actually I did I wrote down the first see Thomas Howell-in because it's really starts off the stupidity he goes he's talking to some guy on the on the job and he's like hey

you still friends with Matthews that crane operator and I'm like oh man the crane movie's starting he gets there. Now he's fighting the lizard. A little rooftop action. We do get, because we don't want to make, and I think this movie does

a decent enough job at trying not to make Emma Stone a damsel in distress. She does not get kidnapped. She makes the solution. She makes the solution. She's got her own sort of side mission at the very least. Yeah. So the points. But she

escapes the building, and Dennis Leary is like, I got to go in and help Spider-Man. And he runs up. And he's got a shotgun and he's going to kill the lizard. This is kind of cool because you get Dennis Leary shotgunning this fucking Monstar for a little bit.

And there's like liquid nitrogen all over the place. It's almost, it's this close to Dennis Leary being in a Terminator movie. Call the John now. You want to call John? Let me tell you about calling John.

John Connor is a piece of shit. He always was. I'm going to be outside. You get into that phone. You call John Connor. I'm going to be out here smoking. This does not. This does not compute.

There seems to. be some type of time anomaly you say you're a comedian you do the same act as another comedian it doesn't it doesn't make am i in the wrong time although i do appreciate your love of leather jackets which i too love leather jackets take it off take off your pants i need you i need your no no no no no do it slowly i need your i need your boots your bike and your comedy routine cancer. Boy, I sure do love smoking. Every time I get around a cigarette, I just

want to go. Mwa, mwa, moa, moa, I love it to smoke. I am an azoleo, leo, leo, leo, leo, leo, leo. A capa, fucking chino. I want a cappuccine.

Not that's the weird stuff, just plain black coffee. I dripped over my son's Darth Vader toy in the hallway and it scared the shit out of me. like comedy jokes so yeah it's a big fight the lizard totally impales

Dennis Leary right here with this big claw hand he murders him uh Spider-Man gets the antidote up into the thing before the timer runs out so the antidote is what sprays all over the island

the lizard's tail gets cut off and it gets oh you spender and rips it off yeah and it just comes back that's kind of gross you think you could take that shit to like a cream barbecue

and cook it up oh absolutely that'd be delicious it'd be so good but you have to pay extra though, for sure. Oh, B-Y-O-M Cabin, bring her with me? Absolutely. You're using their labor. The antidote is in the air. Kurt Connich

turns to a halfman. Yeah. I guess because, like, he injected himself with so much of that shit that it's, like, only going to revert so far. And he's like, what have I done? Right. Oh, no, Peter. Oh, bummer. He saves young Parker from

certain doom by pulling him back up or whatever. All I wanted was a city of Lizzie. I thought you wanted a hand I started there but it became an addiction I needed a whole city of lizards You killed Dennis Leary The King of the Cops

You might as well slide off that roof And just fucking end it right there That's the thing dude The lizard Kirk Connors that is Is indeed brought into police custody Never to be seen again, Rikers Island Well no we do We see him actually at the end of this stupid movie

for the bullshit stinger. Yeah, you're right. But then he's murdered right after that. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, so, like, he's, oh, as he's dying, Peter's like, oh, man. And again, more over, not overacting, but just too intense acting from Andrew Garfield.

Like, Larry doesn't give him shit. Yeah, I'm dying. How are he going to do? And he's like, give me last one smoke. But he's like, You got frapuccino. You got crappuccino. You got,

Peter. No, but he's dying. And he's like, Peter, Peter, come close. I'm dying. I have one last wish. You have to honor. Anything. Anything.

Captain Stacy. You've got to neg my daughter hard. You got it. Neg her, Peter. And then he just drops dead, dude. By the way, I know Steve often plays YouTube clips on here. Oh. I found there's, there's a, Arnold does have a routine about smoking, smoking, and it's really good.

Let's see if this is it. Because after dinner, everyone ought to have a cigar. So, I tried it. Well, the rest is history. I'm still smoking Stogis. I love it. And he introduced me to something really good. And I know now the next question, knowing you,

uh, being the interviewer that you are, digging in people all the time, you will say now, what does your wife think about that? Let me ask you something. when my wife's father has introduced me to Stogis what is she going to say she's not going to say my father made a mistake

because her father never makes a mistake it is okay I can smoke Stogis around her I can smoke stogies in my house Stop saying Stogies Because her father introduced me to Stogis And second more because I'm a stud I don't take no shit from anyone

I smoke my stogie anywhere I want I don't have to find a hide-out place like you. Who's he talking to? I don't know. I don't know, but it was going around the internet. I just had to share it so good. I love that.

Stogies. My stogies. You're stogie, and I'm a stogie. We're all stogies. You can tell he's trying to hold it back for so long, and he's like, you know what? No, it's because I'm a stud. I'm a fucking star. I'm a fucking star.

That's his Dennis Leary routine. Yeah, that's so great. Great. So, yeah, he's like, oh, you know, you're too dangerous. You have to stay away from my dog. Well, it's the classic thing of like, danger will always find you. The city needs you, but danger will always find you and the ones you love. And I'm like, totally cool, man. Hey, you're dead? Awesome. Hey, Gwen, you want to go to the movies? I need to see. Dude, bring the camera back behind Andrew Garfield's back and he's doing some crosses. Crossing them fingers, dude. This dead guy doesn't know it. And I mean, like, sure, you're not allowed to date her, because. You've been to vow to this dude

You're an honorable person, blah, blah, blah. You're still allowed to go to his funeral and not leave this woman Like, wondering where you are. Oh, I've been to plenty of funerals Where I'm not horny. Exactly. Really?

Well, one, right? Just that one. Just the one time. That's every time for me. Oh, yeah, Chris has got more rig of mortars than the corpse. He's always got a heart on this guy. Yes, I do. I know biologies

So it's kind of hilarious Like Peter Parker goes home There's kind of a nice gag Where Aunt May has chastised him Earlier in the film For I asked you to bring eggs home And you didn't And he comes back beat to fuck

And he's got this nice Dousin eggs Kind of a funny gag We see his bedroom Do you catch what's going on On this wall? No So it's a wall

It's like family photos A really nice young Like Apocalypse Now era Martin Sheen Oh yeah All these great family photos. But then right in the middle of all of this is the fucking computer printout of the sketch artist

from the dude, like the suspect who murdered Uncle Ben is right in the middle of all of it. Still looking for him, dude. Yeah, but you know what, man? How about that's on a different bulletin board? Yeah, that's true. I'm just saying. Learn to forgive and maybe grow as a character a little bit.

I mean, also, how many of those people who were returned between Lizard and back to person actually made it? like 10%? We see a lot of those cops like, huh, like turning back to people. No. Yeah, I don't know. There has to be at least a couple of these little

lizard people that got beaten to death with baseball bats. The first couple of gorillas from Hollow Man before they got the one that goes directly, the one that's got a belly melting out. An old guy had a fucking lizard heart attack. Totally happened. What's happening to me? It's too bad.

Leary died because he could walk around with a handgun putting people out of their misery. Oh, that's his job. Yeah, just shooting his fellow officers in the head. What if somebody was actually like, oh, my, finally a lizard, he gets in a car to leave the city because he doesn't want, he doesn't want to be cured. That would be an interesting sequel set up as someone left the vicinity. Someone got in the river, just swam away, swam out to Staten Island. Oh, then Staten Island finally becomes the quarantine zone it deserves to be.

The city of lizard. It's a city of lizards. So that's pretty much it. man is shown jumping around in slow motion he slings some web at the camera but I think that they were like hey Mark you got to cut that short because otherwise you're just giving your audience a facial

but it's like 20 more minutes of like your audience of him being sad and like he goes to class the funeral and the teacher is like Mr. Parker can we end this movie Mr. Parker no I have to get back with her kind of yeah well yep

he does like this little thing where he's like you know promises are made to be broken or something like that. Well so he's late for class and the teacher's like late again and he goes I won't be late anymore I promise and she goes don't make a promise you can't keep and he goes yeah but those are the best

ones and then she's like smirk I just got negged credits I just got negged and my dad is dead awesome and in both the cases of Gwen Stacey with losing her father and Peter Parker losing Uncle Ben

they are at school the next day. Totally, man. You know what, man? Take some time. Outrageous. Uh, yeah, so that's pretty much the end of the movie here. We get this weird, like, mid-credit stinger scene where it's, Kurt Connors is in jail.

Yeah. And then, like, this mysterious dude just appears in the jail cell. And it's like, you never told him about where he's from. Oh, you know who that is, don't you? I do. The late Mr. Garbage Island himself. Michael Massey. Michael Massey, man.

Is playing this like man in black character. Look, I got a home for you on garbage island, okay? You can pull a couple newspapers up around yourself.

You'll be just fine. Do you like being a lizard person? No. I don't. And he's just like, you cannot tell the boy who he really. It's like,

it's some like coded horse shit. Apparently Peter Parker's like some prince of Moldovia or something. Like, what is this shit? Who could care, and it never happens because this franchise was an abomination from this start. And this guy vanishes. He's in a locked jail cell, and he vanishes into the shadows.

No, he's got the power. If you got that much juice, you can get in any jail cell you want. Gotcha. Oh, it's about the juice. It's all about the juice. I see. You like it the juice. You like it.

Isn't he famous Spider-Man villain, whatever man? Like, just who does whatever and just do? Well, some people were just, he was bitten by a redact. radioactive whatever. Some people were suspecting that it was Norman Osborne, but I guess in some interview before the sequel was made, Reese EFunds was like, no, he's not,

but he's a dude that works for Norman Osborne. Hey, pretty awesome. Yeah, hey, cool, Reese. Thanks a lot, buddy. Great interview tidbit. I guess if they did, because if the second one did well, they would have done a sinister six movie

and I guess Reese fans would have come back for that. Well, because that's how that second movie Stinger ends, right? Is that fucking haul, of garbage. Like Confiore was supposed to be one of them. It was a whole fucking thing. What a duke tastrophe this whole thing was.

And you know, it was just too soon for Spider-Man. We don't need, and it's too soon for Batman. Honestly, like, I'm excited for this Batman movie. I'm going to see it because I'm a fucking simp. But this cyclical nature at some point to retell the same story. Because think

about the time we had between Batman and Robin and Batman begins. Yes. Right? Like that, I mean, it wasn't 10 years, but it was enough time. It was like seven years. But in between that, there were so many legal thrillers. All these movies that are gone. I missed.

Where are those fucking legal thrillers? Where are the cyber thrillers? Where are the erotic thrill? Give me some guy running in the room. Very rarely do movies include boats that are wired to explode anymore. You know what I mean? A houseboat that someone's living on. Dark night.

Mm. Although, but that ruins the perfection of this. film. No one's living on it, though. Yeah. A residence. And it's got files in it that are reporting. Someone's pouring a glass of whiskey on a boat underground under the boat. And sleep next to a dirty bed. Because

they're super divorced. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Where are these movies? Where's the divorce movies? Where's the divorce movies? Where, yeah, where is... It's all about fucking little kids and outfits. Can I, can I let you know that there have been in the last 19 years 76, roughly 76 superhero movies made.

That's outrageous. Marvel properties in the last 20 years there have been, there's been 32. Yeah, 32. We should mention these are numbers that Steve crunched himself for no reason. For literally no reason. No, I'm sorry, 46 Marvel movies.

It's nuts. You count man thing in that, dude? No. It's got to be theatrical. Oh, okay. I just feel like Stan Lee did that speech at Devil's Advocate. Like, can, can anyone tell, can anyone deny that the entire 21st century was entirely mine? So I was smoking a J with Pandore and I said, hey, that box is kind of like my comic books. I mean, you're not wrong, right?

Like, we have really been digging our heels into this show. And you know, and they're already talking about the X-1 movies are coming back. Even like, if, I mean, and far from home will probably be a good. and be, you know, do well, et cetera, et cetera. But, like, the clock is taking for the Spider-Man movie to come back. Maybe I'll be old enough to play Uncle Ben one day. And then Robert Don Jr. wants Ironheart. Like, he already wants that thing.

Start right back back. The, isn't it his second or third? I forget what her name is. Oh, yeah. He's got, like, a protege that's like a young African-American woman. And I think they call her Iron Heart. Oh, but R.D.J would be involved? No, he was just calling for it to start.

Like, he was because he can't take. that the fucking press aren't fucking dying for his comments anymore. Well, he's got that cool idea about using all that technology to save the ocean, man. Yeah, it's like a scam. Did you already send him a check for $50?

No, but I'm just imagining. Our DJ's like, all right, Steve, I just need a check for $50 and your social security number. Send it to care of happy, dude. That, all right, that's enough. That's the end of the Amazing Spider-Man, part one. Would anybody recommend this movie? No, it's like totally an essential.

It's pretty innocuous, which is why I think I was attracted to it to begin with, because it doesn't take a big enough swing. Like, that third Spider-Man movie is terrible, but it's taken some pretty big, dumb swings. Yeah. This one doesn't do that. It's just totally clean. It's actually filmed, I don't think Mark Webb is very good at all. It's filmed very much like a TV show, kind of.

Like, you know what I mean? Like none of the shots. It does feel like a TV show. None of the shots are very particularly memorable, just a no. I liked Garfield. I think with better material maybe, but no. Yeah, I think that's true. What I like about this is the central, like, Gwen Stacy, him and Gwen Stacy's father, that stuff works.

Yes. And all the actors work in those situations. But like, it is that, it's weird to think about this way. But, like, Spider-Man 3 was just such a fucking, like, throw it all out there that, like, all I wanted was boredom. Yeah. Like, and this delivered boredom. So I was like, that's fine with me. And, like, coming back to it now, it is, like, impossible to get through.

Yeah. yeah um it's not it's not for me you know when i did see it originally i was like oh yeah that was totally fine it's you know it's just innocuous it's a spiderman movie it's fine it's fun going back to it i was just so fucking bored in that runtime you feel every minute of it yeah no i agree and it's interesting because i two questions i have related to the the spiderman world the movie world right so like this plump ass not at all would we be more okay with this movie if this was the first Spider-Man movie

like if the first time we got a really good Spider-Man movie the Rameys don't exist probably yeah yeah I would be like no you don't think so the lizard thing

would bother the shit out of him being a dinosaur like I that would really be a stick in my car it's a Gumbah dude listen that's what a lizard is

lizard is a dinosaur no I mean I kind of split the difference like yeah you'd probably be okay with it you'd probably like the movie more it would matter more

like that's the thing is like it would be the Spider-Man movies. This is how I can see Spider-Man. Now you just know you're getting it every three years. And now, so here's the other thing. So the other side of this question then is, are we now looking back,

I guess, do we have a clearer vision of this movie, or is the vision skewed of these, this first movie at least, because we have things like Into the Spider-Verse and Tom Holland being Spider-Man in these movies that I think at least are better than this portrayal? Oh, quite a lot. So are these now informing how we feel about these two movies?

Probably to a degree. I mean, it would have to, right? We've seen them. But yeah, no, I mean, I guess just like, because we know you can do it better. I will say, though, like I'm not, I like the Holland first Spider-Man movie a lot. There's a lot about it I don't necessarily like. I don't like Spider-Man being an Avenger, seeing this trailer, because you have to see the whole fucking movie in the trailer now. But it just, it seems like it's a lot more avenger-y stuff and a lot more like, I'm, oh,

Willickers, I want to train to be like, blah, blah, blah. I like, what I like about this is, like, Spider-Man's his own dude, you know what I mean? Like, this movie has some of that stuff, which I like about the character, but, like, again, it's just, it's very dull. Because the event, well, I disagree because the Avengers stuff, which I usually annoys the piss out of me in all the other Avengers movies, them sprinkling in to make sure everybody reminds that this is the biggest thing in the world, it works there because he wants to be, like, he's aspiring to be it. I actually believe it as part of his worldview. Like, even a normal kid would just want to be an Avengers. So, like, I kind of get it at least. Peter Parker is sort of like a good gateway for us as the audience.

So, like, everybody wants to be a superhero. I liked far from homecoming a lot. A whole whole lot. Far from homecoming. Far from homecoming. That's the two movies to put together. Far from homecoming is the movie about the kids who don't want to go to the dance that they hang out the diner down the road.

So final question, which of these two, this fucking aborted failure franchise of Spider-Man. Which of these two movies is better? Is it part one or is it part two? I'm a big on two. Because two is way stupid. Like, they go all the fuck out stupid in that one. You got Paul Giamatti.

It's crazy town. It's absolute fucking lunacy. I would say I think the first one is better. Absolutely unequivocally. But if I had to watch one of them again, I'd probably watch the second one because at least I could just get obliterated and forget my troubles and chuckle at Jamie Fox.

If I remember Jamie Fox's like besieged janitor character kind of didn't really come together for me. Nope. I think this one is more grounded and it's... I don't appreciate it. It's like a C-minus versus a pure on F. Yeah, this is like paint by numbers and then the sequel is like Jackson Pollock.

Yeah, wow. That is an excellent way to put it. it. And that is the amazing Spider-Man from 2012, directed by Mark Webb. If you want more We Hate Movies, head on over to patreon.com slash we hate movies. There will be an episode up soon enough on there where we're talking about another Sally Field classic, Forrest Gump. Gird your loins for that one. Our Star Trek show, what? It's okay to like Forrest Gump. Nobody cares if you do. Nobody cares if you don't. We're just telling jokes. And it's okay to like Star Trek, too. Speaking of which, we do have a Star Trek podcast. The Nexus

Of course, we're going through the original series and Star Trek the next generation. We've got Chekhov coming on. He's all over the place now. No, he's here. He's here. That's right. Bad wig and all. But as always, we hate movies rolls on into next week. And the summer blockbuster extravaganza does continue. Steve Sadek, what do we have on tap?

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the ugly truth. Oh, Lord. This is Gerard Butler and Catherine Heigle at odds until they fall on. love. Oh, yeah. Get that plump, Spidey. Jared Butler's like a man cow-esque.

Yeah. He's a shock jock kind of dude. Is he on the radio, though, or is a television? I think he's on like a, like he's getting on TV now. Like they're bringing him on TV for the first time.

I was going to say, I don't know, his voice doesn't really work for radio, right? It sounds like a, someone putting rocks in a dishwasher. I've got a face for radio. That too. I mean, I guess that too. Yeah.

I mean, ugh. I have seen this. movie, but I have also greened this movie. So I don't really remember a whole ton of it, but this is, of course, we always like to do a rom-com during summer blockbuster extravaganza, just to lighten the load a little bit. And we

always have fun with romantic comedies here on the show. So that'll be a lot of fun. Until next week, with The Ugly Truth, I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Sannacken. Chris Cabin. Eric Siskin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.