We Hate Movies - S9 Ep431: Episode 431 - The Ugly Truth

Episode Date: July 9, 2019

On this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza is celebrating the world of rom-coms as the gang chats about the outrageous 2009 disaster, The Ugly Truth! Why can't they just make Gerard Butler characters Scottish so the man can speak comfortably? How did Kevin Connolly make the opening credits with that little screen time? And could you even imagine going to a balloon festival? PLUS: Minor league baseball can get pretty wild it turns out! The Ugly Truth stars Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler, Eric Winter, Bree Turner, Nick Searcy, Cheryl Hines, John, and Michael Higgins; directed by Robert Luketic. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, he's playing another character named Mike. It's The Ugly Truth. I'm Andrew Jupin. American Steve Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Ugly. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you are new to this program, it is a comedy show where we loosely talk about movies and kind of just make fun of stuff. This week's selection is, of course, part of the summer blockbuster, Extravaganza, 2019.

It's The Ugly Truth from 2009 directed by Robert Lucetic, who you may remember, as directing Gambling Thriller 21, additional romantic comedy, no one saw killers, monster in law, the I Saw It in the theater, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, and one good movie, Legally Blonde. And now before I'm asking everyone to put their tweet down, you're like, oh my God, what is this doing in the summer blockbuster extravaganza? it's doing here because this movie made $200 million worldwide. Yep, that's a blockbuster sounding title or a total to me. It's doing here?

No, no, him to me. No, but like $200 million. That means we should just shut it all down. Well, $200 million, I guess for when this came out 10 years ago, was fine. But now it's trash. Yeah. It's seen as a failure. $200 billion.

$200 million worldwide. A movie like this, that called. cost almost nothing to make. Yes, exactly. Tops 35. A lot of belt tightening green screen in this movie. But you need $200 billion at the box office now.

Well, you've got to break the record. You've got to be the best movie in June, the best movie in early June, maybe, maybe the best weekend in June where the president is a piece of shit. Like, whatever, however you can actually quantify, beating a record. And you're also always losing to

Disney. No matter what, you're always going to lose to Disney. And Disney loses to Disney. Yeah, absolutely. It's box office cannibalism. Oh, man. And I was going to say something to your point, Steve. Oh, to your point, Steve, I can't believe there wasn't the uglier truth, followed by

the ugliest truth. I think that's what Killers is, essentially. It's just going doubles on Catherine Hegel, getting Gerard out of there, and putting in an Ashton. That's a trade sideways? It's not a trade I want to make, yeah, exactly.

Yeah. It's weird because Gerard Butler is so fucking awful in this. Yeah. Yeah. But I'd rather watch Gerard Butler be bad than Ashton Coucher be anything. Yeah. It's one of those things where it's like, oh, you know, you don't want to get your money back. So it's like a dollar for $1.50. You know what I mean? Like that. Right. But it's not like this is like you get a dollar in dimes versus a dollar in nickels. It's all really inconvenient. It's like, well, this is just making my pants heavy at this point. Now I've got to carry around this pocket full of Gerard Butler's. I'm in your pocket. This movie is he is a public access shock jock telling it like it is kind of person. And he gets hired on a local Northern California morning show.

This is a Sacramento, I believe. Yes, Sacramento. The show is produced by Catherine Hegel. so sparks fly. It's really her story. It is her movie. From the beginning. And she's just, you know, she has the worst life.

She's making probably, you know, decent high five figures maybe. Yeah, probably close to six. Dating Kevin Connelly. Well, she goes on a date with him. I wouldn't define her life by that. She does her one awful date. I will say, though, I was pretty shocked. Kevin Connolly is one scene at the beginning.

in this movie that I believe might even be before the title card maybe not but it's early on in the movie he's making the fucking opening scroll it's crazy is it um is this a local because she's the producer of is it a local show or is it a local it's a local affiliate yeah so that's crazy

as this movie goes on that's kind of crazy that it's a local show because it's so popular yes because of the things that sort of the Craig Ferguson thing makes no sense why he why he why this local guy in Sacramento would get on Craig Ferguson makes zero sense. Well, they say it's like a play that CBS is doing because they want them on their national

show. Got it. So it's like, I believe they refer to it as his audition. Oh, okay. You know, like if he does well, going toe to toe with Craig Ferguson. So she comes in and she's like your classic lady movie archetype of, I'm very uptight and I don't have time for a relationship, et cetera, et cetera. I'm very good at my job. She's interviewing a bunch of fat weathermen at the beginning.

And like the weathermen need to be fat. She says some like a statistic about like when the weather men get it wrong. Audiences are more forgiving if it's a fat guy. I don't know about that. I would be, I feel like if I gave bad weather, people would be very upset with me. Oh, they throw a rock at your head. I mean, they're just dancing around Al Roker in this. Yeah.

Just say Al Roker. But this was also like years after he had. that gastric bypass so like the joke doesn't make any fucking sense he's been thin as a rail for like 20 years as a rail yeah maybe as a rake have you seen Al Roker

yes he's a slim man these days he's not like sharp and thin he's an American slim I would say and you know she's like going around and like yeah she's got this assistant that's like this movie is a in search of a B plot

like I I'm glad It was only 96 minutes, but it needs a B-plot. I'm sure they didn't lean into that nephew more or something. Maybe he's being picked on by a bunch of women at school. It just needs something other than the two of them who have zero chemistry. Even you would think something in the newsroom would actually have to happen. Can I see her actually interview the fat men for the thing? Or maybe like 9-11 happens.

Yeah, there you go. During the ugly truth. It's like that Robert Pattinson movie. It's a secret 9-11. Oh, remember me or whatever it was called? Oof, yeah. You don't find out it's set in 2001 until the towers go down.

You're like, what's with all these shitty cell phones? Oh. Yeah, so like this morning show, it's John Michael Higgins and what's of Cheryl Hines are like a married news duo. And that's your B-plot. Like, give them more to do

because they're both the funniest people in your movie by a fucking mile. The only charming parts of this movie is when you get to see the two of them improvving with each other like at the news desk there's clearly like john michael higgins and her just like throwing lines that or you get like some state runoffs you know get yourself a robert ben garand showing up that would be something he'll do your movie yeah i mean maybe he won't do your movie i don't know uh do is is there a cordy in here there's there's a there's a lesser cordy which is really staying something jesus mate cordy played uh neil simon on that um

Fossy Verdon show. Fossy Verdon. Oh, really? He's fucking great on it, I have to say. I watched it the first six episodes that I'm waiting to finish it. It's really great. It's great. She's fantastic. She's great. She's great. He's great. The whole thing. It's amazing to watch Sam Rockwell not be in the Klan for fucking a week and a half.

That's something, isn't it? Well, he got that out of his system earlier this month. What was that that Best of Enemies movie? Okay, so this is a great script. Am I in the Klan or am I like a, is this like a nationalist organization? What are we talking about here? Why am I in? Wait a second.

What am I doing in this movie? In that movie, he's in a hate group? He's in the Klan. Yeah, no, yeah. He's like the head of the Klan. What? Him and Wes Bentley are the head of the Klan. All those trailers were like, and it's based on a real Klanzman.

Let's show the old guy from the Klan. Yeah. Look at that guy. Isn't he fun? Wait. Is this your grandpappy? You can't see, but Eric is doing the thing, like, you're on a late-night TV show, and the monitor comes down, and he goes.

goes, yeah, I'll just see this guy from the clan. Yeah, I'm looking to my right and like up a little. And it's true because I'm a professional. Yeah, sure. You know, so I understand how to do those movements on... Okay, yeah. You know what? I didn't realize that. He plays CPLUS exalted

Cyclops of the Ku Klux Play. Cyclops. Oh, they had all sorts of cyclopses and wizards and shit, dude. I knew. I'm fucking Xavier's school for gifted youngsters. Gifted racist youngsters. That's right. Or gifted bigots.

That's smoother. I like that one. I feel like if you went up to Edward Norton, you're like, hey man, do you want to play a Nazi? Absolutely not. I did that once. It's never happening again. Got it out of my system.

Rockwell's triple-dippet at this point. Well, okay, wait. He's not in the clan in that three billboards movie. He's just a racist. He's thinking about it, though. He's got some pamphlets. He's being recruited by the clan. Clan curious.

The brochure is halfway filled out. He got kicked out of the clan. Wait, wait. So it's three. Billboards, it's this he plays Cyclops in the Exalted Klan movie, whatever this is. And what was the, what's, what else

has he done? No, I mean, I'm just trying to think. It's a, it's too much. He's also done good stuff. No, he's done great stuff. No, but Steve, I thought you were saying he had a third one. Oh, no, no, no. I'm just double or triple it. I see. You know, and maybe that Ninja Turtle's character. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Poultergeist.

Oh, yeah, huge clan member, dude. That's why the Native American ghosts were going after a row. Oh, Galaxy Quest, man. In a galactic clan bigot, dude. Moon, he's like racist against other versions of himself. What'd you get a tan, you piece of shit! He's just hanging out with Kevin Spacey in that movie? Yeah.

This movie dates itself nicely, just a firm 2009ing right here. They're like Celebrity Chef is Rocco Despirito, who you don't hear from anymore. Oh, he's a person? He was a big deal. What? Well, the gag is in the scene. He's doing, like, celebrity chef on a morning show thing. And, like, it's chicken.

As Cheryl Hines eating, it's like, chicken cacciatore, delicious. And he goes, no, no, that's duck cacciatore. And she wants to throw up. And I'm like, trade up. That's amazing. That's great. I was really confused what the joke was here. I was like, what's going on here?

It seemed like there was a thing where it's like, oh, Cheryl Hines famously can't eat duck. I thought it was like a food allergy or something. I thought it was going to be a joke that pays off or Catherine Higel was going to elaborate on it in some way, but it's just ignored. And she does a good job of like holding back her disgust and getting through the segment

and getting to commercial. And then I thought the vomit was going to happen, but it doesn't. Somebody's got to throw up, especially we're doing an R-rated movie. Let's show it. Can we quickly mention the little animated opening credit sequence? It's not animated like an 80s movie, but you see like...

Oh, heart crotch. Yes. Thank you. Heart crotch. Exactly. Chris. There is a, there's There's a figure of a woman. Uh-huh. You know, it looks like a bathroom sign. Yes.

And it's got a beating heart on its chest. Oh, right. Yes. And that's like women. They like hearts. And then when it turns into a man, the heart moves down to the dick. And it's just like,

men, they got heart dicks. Gerard Butler comes out of his assholes. It's a weird, yeah, that's a weird little thing. Like, yeah,

it's like your heart's in your dick or your dicks in your heart. Well, yeah, I mean, they should have done brain. maybe, right? Isn't that the big slogan?

Everyone says like, you're thinking with your other head. Yeah, my father said that to me one time. He pointed to my forehead and he said, think with this head. Oh, wow. Yeah, dropping me off at college.

Did he give you any condoms or no? No, no. So they're having ratings trouble. We're told this by the station manager played by Nick Searsie from Justified. I fucking love this dude. Big old Red Bull product placement right in the middle of everything.

Lots of it. We literally have two people on the show passing notes right now in the studio. What are you fucking giggling at? Nothing. Oh, no. No, it was the show at Chris. I did a cartoon of the crotch dick.

Just as my note, as my note for a crotch dick? I was expecting a... Well, I guess it's more of a heart crotch. Yeah. I was expecting a picture of me with stink lines. Yeah, like me with a witch's hat on. A crotch dick, wouldn't that just be a dick? Yes, the crotch dick is a dick.

Maybe like a heart dick, like a... Yeah, that's kind of... I guess dicks are kind of shaped like hearts, the heads of it. What? Again, I think we have to get you back in school. Or do you with the doctor, dude? I don't know, one or the other. I had a tripled bypass the other day.

I performed it on myself. Ooh. So she is set up on a date. This is Kevin Connolly. There's some sort of dating service where the fucking assistant, this is also a thing, this assistant, by the way, Judy Greer was like, it's 2009, I'm above it. Yeah, I'm fucking above it. How dare you even call me at this?

So they clone Judy Greer and they got this lady. There was like a Judy Greer certificate program that you were able to get in like 2008, 2009, that this woman got. The put upon lonely assistant living vicariously through the star of the film. And she's like, oh my God, he's a nine out of ten in all of our categories.

Who, who, everybody. Which, like, you don't get to hear what those are. And come on. Come on. Smart screenplay. Let's do it. Number one, he's got to do this. Number, and that's kind of the thing.

Number four, uncut. This movie is so unspecific in everything. Like, wherein, like, you need to get there to understand half the stuff. That's your duck catchetory joke. Like, that's a joke that needs to be specific. These are self-diffusing jokes is what happens. They fucking fizzle out before they go off. This is very weird for a rom-com, but you can, like,

smell where the cuts were throughout this. You think this movie was originally 180 minutes? It would have had to have been something longer than this for the catchetory joke alone, but also for this, like, Kevin Connolly being for one scene. And like you think he's coming back at the

end for some reason. I was at the height of his E-Powers. But I would argue that it's too much Kevin Connolly. Any Kevin Connolly is too much common. He is terrible in this movie. In like 30 seconds of this movie. I was nothing. Listen, I was impressed at how bad it was

in such a short little amount of time. I mean, maybe he didn't want to do the movie. Who knows? Because Catherine Heigle's just a very, very professional actress. She's doing exactly what she always does, which is like give energy to the scene in so, so much as it deserves. Right. And Connolly is just like, yes,

I would like a whiskey. And she goes, you said you like red wine on your profile. And he's like, yes, I did. Yes, I did. Also, other alcohol. And he's just like, you're fucking. crazy and knowing my profile. Yeah. I mean, she does have a printout.

She has a fucking printout. And she says she ran a background check on him. Yeah. Because she says something about like where he lives or some like other fact. And he's like, that's not on my profile. And she's like, yeah, but it wasn't your background check. And it's like supposed to be a joke. But it's like, oh, that's a horror movie line. But I mean, again, you're not working against Jeremy Piven who's calling you a fucking bitch and you got to hug it out with him. It's like an actor that needs a little more from you. you a lot more you know what i mean like so you need to escalate and be like whoa what are you talking you were in a background check on me well dude it's kevin connolly man he just bros out with whoever he's

doing the fucking scene with i do appreciate mentioning another cast of entourage sure um Kevin dillon would have nailed this oh man definitely yeah you get Kevin dill and he like yeah he bit what he would do like a what his eyebrows you get turtle and you get fucking turtle in this hill this thing Turtle would slay it, dude, up and down. He'd make fucking turtle soup of this scene. Both of them would be down for it, though. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. Captain Connolly is bailing.

Funny enough, you know who'd fuck it up, Mark Wahlberg? Oh, of course. Wait, you ran a background check on me? And then I punched her in the face. What? Wallberg's... You tell Mark Wahlberg background check, and he keeps looking behind him, like, what, the extras look good.

I'm checking the background. What are you talking? fucking fine just like they were the last time is mike is mike back there michael bro i'm gonna walk from this movie the ugly truth adrian ganair would have fucked it up too i think yep definitely that guy was a waste yeah i saw him in like one of our like williamsburg haunts one time was really worried that was going to be the end of that bar i think i remember that it turned out okay though he left i think he realized he was in the wrong spot. I think you saw me specifically

like, yeah, I don't need to be here. This is a bar full of turtles this place is lost. I need a Vince bar. This is a, oh, I found a turtle bar. Oh, I'm a mistake. Oh, whoops. Sorry, turtle bar everybody. Guys, go back. It's a turtle bar. I fucked up.

I read a yelp wrong. It's a turtle bar. So, like, whatever. The day goes poorly. She goes back home. She's got a cat. An adorable cat named D'Artagnan. I was a big into this The cat is the catalyst for the whole film in a way because the cat like steps on the remote control and it turns to Gerard Butler's show The Ugly Truth on local public access. And it's set up like Adam Carolla's podcast studio. He's got a lot of fucking bobbleheads and bullshit and the fucking in studio toilet. The basement of a fucking mental asylum is where this place looks like.

This guy is, he has like a, a black lodge fucking curtain behind him and he's just screaming into a microphone. Well, Kevin, I don't know if you've watched fucking public access, man. That's like 90% of it. Oh, okay. Well, that's the weird thing that's like, screaming in front of curtains. But Jesus isn't involved. So that's what drives me nuts.

Like, that's what public access is all about. Right. Yeah. I prefer, you know, the kind of public access I like? I don't know if it still exists. Remember when they would just broadcast Like traffic cams throughout the city? Oh yeah

Remember that channel? Ah, it was like If you know, you had like Non-Cable Box cable Cable like you just flip through all Like whatever those digital channels Were floating in the air Traffic update or something?

No, it wasn't any updates It was just literally traffic cameras Throughout the city like they had one in Times Square There was like one on the Grand Central And you just sitting there going like I think you could actually kill that girl pretty much dude you wait and you tried to see if anything happened if anything went down like a car accident nice it's good that people who are shut in could experience

that's like going out on a Friday night my friend dude time square the open road bridges come on it's great for those people yeah I guess those people so she uh she's watching it and like men cannot be trained it's like oh you've got you'd books chicken soup for the soul men are from mars women are from venus it's all crap here's my advice get skinny and that's kind of it that's pretty much it she winds up like calling in and they have like a fucking phone fight on the air but to be fair did anyone else notice he because 2009 he says someone look like shrek yeah he does yep he definitely does that's insane yeah he's some some lady i guess calls in before.

Yes. It's probably because you, no, no, he just says, he just calls her Shrek, like, goodbye, Shrek. Yeah, exactly. Bye, bye, Shrek. I read, you know, that the whole performance is offensive, honestly. As a Scotsman who used to be an ogre, that's offensive. And yeah, like I said up top, his name is indeed Mike in this movie also, Mike Chadway.

But he's also pulling this out. We're doing the Gerard. but their voice, a bad version, but he's pulling this back and kind of flattening it as best he can. It is atrocious. It's like it's hard. This guy's not American. I don't know if he's Scottish, but maybe he's from outer

space. Is the vibe I was in well, it's like the John Malaney bit of like a horse in a hospital. Like this voice is a horse in a hospital. Yes, exactly. It's just like, what do you do in there? Because like, this is like only a couple years out of to 300. 300, he's like he's just Scottish.

Yeah, the Scottish Greek king. Why bother? Yeah. I mean listen I know that like thing is hard to cover up that's fucking thick again just mention the quickest detail about like you came here in college and that's it there's one line where she somebody uh I think her assistant is talking to Catherine Hegel like oh he came over he he moved here just in general when he was 10 but it's not like you don't see where he's from so it's like what and it doesn't make any sense because he is a sister in this movie who's not Scottish all

Well, the thing is he moved here when he was 10 with just $5 in his pocket. Look what he became today. That's true. What a hard work in immigrant. After 10 years of sleeping in a lion's jaw, I mean, what the, he's so this show is like he's basically doing like a chauvinistic Howard Beale. Like he's just yelling at the television about how men can't be trained. And he's like, you must be a dog just fighting with her on the phone.

This fucking show he has is straight out of. YouTube's alt-right wormhole. Of course it is. Like this is what's... Like 2009, we're portraying these male chauvinists as being like charming date material in major popular culture.

$200 million, my God. So you think like Mike Cernovich has this movie on DVD? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Because I'm sure they all have terrible taste. Well, he's got this and Magnolia. Because it's all these like...

Magnolia seems... It's very, this reminded me of Magnolia with Tom Cruise. Yeah, he's like a Z-grade Tom Cruise in that movie. Fuck, the frogs are falling from this guy. Oh, no, me father's dying. It's not going to stop. Do you? That's it.

Gerard Butler driving around in the frog rain just turning on his windshield wipers. I would love him to like talk up William H. Macy in that movie like, You want to fuck that bartender. Go fuck that bartender. Don't let the guy from the burbs steal him from Yee. Oh, wow. From Yee. Yeah, that's it.

That long intro with Super Tramp and not William H. Macy, but Gerard Butler. Yeah, I get into this. Look, you're a good looking guy. The braces are weird, but they're working out. I got to rewatch that movie, man. I haven't seen it a really long time. It's a great movie. So, lo and behold, the next morning she goes to work.

And, uh-oh, Nick Searcy has hired this dude, I guess, in the middle of the night, to come on and do the fucking ugly truth on the television program. Because, yeah, he's like, oh, this guy gets good public access ratings. Who is looking at those numbers? Who's keeping those numbers? How do you quantify it? I don't even know. I don't think you do.

It's like, I think they say, like, every 20 minutes, if you're watching this, please call in let us know you're watching us we're trying to keep a tally of how many households they do say that their new stations ratings are so bad that like the toilet yeah reruns of whatever are doing better so oh yeah

there was the boss it was the joke yeah yes there it was gonna say there was kind of a joke in there because he's like it's the episode where the vacuum breaks yeah okay that's great fantastic and he comes in the weird thing about like all these guys like you like you like your I mean I guess

it's more honest now because like when you're those guys like you're Mike Cernovich or whomever you have to live that all the time because people are like keeping tabs on you but like none of these guys are really that way you know what I mean like the mic goes off and then like that was that was a fun

yeah the mic goes off man cow shuts up exactly Howard Stern was never who he was on the air like you know what I mean like that was the gag yeah also you cannot I mean at this point I don't know if that's this is necessarily true in 2009 but at least at this point you can't you make more money not taking a big gig like this yes and just doing your online thing and like oh that was having a premium like snapchat or something i don't think that was like

you know happening now i think we did youtube for like what two years was it youtube just like 2005 or was 2005 maybe it was six i don't know but not a long time we were making you were making money off of you we were uploading old fucking toy commercial on that sense then i guess that make sense. But none of these people are actually who they pretend to me. Right, but Gerard Butler would be kicked off a Patreon probably. At this point. You don't know. Fuck it. I'm leaving

Patreon. Please donate to me, PayPal. You think it's because of the racism, but it's really because of all the X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, material he puts up there. To be fair, he's not a racist in this movie. No, not to our own. Not that we know. Well, there's no black people in this movie

at all, question mark? No, that's not true. no that's not true you have I mean working in the office is Yvette Nicole Brown okay so I mean one person with one line maybe or

a couple she's got about as many lines as Nate Cordry they're just like people that work in yeah sure the the news office or whatever some office fillers they're sort of there but they just don't matter listen I'm not saying it's a fucking diverse robust cast

no I'm just saying it's not the good place she so she's very against it and like She even outs herself, which I would never do. She's like, well, I called your show last night, Mr. Mr. Yep. And he's like, well, you're pretty Aaron Patterson. What, now the move is just to suddenly change the timber of your voice.

Yes. And suddenly become like a different bird. Yeah, like, oh, I'm nice to meet you. And everyone could be like, hi, I'm Catherine Heigl now for the rest of it. What is she doing? This is how I've always talked. What are you talking about? Oh, you guys are so funny saying that I didn't talk like this.

He's got a cuff tapes of her? Like, this is weirding me out. Did she always talk like that? That's, I don't know. I guess maybe the elevation, your ears popped. There's a couple of like pretty rank lines here that he's got when they meet in the studio. She's like, oh, I'm your producer. What I say goes?

He's like, good. I like a woman on top. And then there's another bad one where she's like, yeah, I tuned into your show last night, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, thanks for watching or whatever. And she's like, and by the way, like at the end of the conversation, it's like the black outline is like, I didn't have your show on. My cat accidentally changed the channel to which he responds. Then you'll want to thank your pussy for me.

Yeah, I do remember that. Pretty funny. There was something when she called the show and was talking about like the ideal man. Yeah. And she listed all the attributes, which is like a dude that's like not a scumbag. He drinks wine or whatever. He's like, that doesn't exist. Oh, you want to gay men.

There's a lot of that. Yeah, he does a couple of that. If anyone even reads a book, they're the gayest dude in the gay world. I feel that's straight out of Kerala country. Yeah, that's right. I mean, that guy's probably like that all the time. But like, and that's the thing is like,

when she's like, I'm your producer, what I say goes, okay, cool, very nice to meet you. You know, I'm going to do this whole schick where I, you know, talk about record Wimba, well, by the way, you know, like, be a person. Like, these people are people. We understand that he's supposed to be this way, ladies and gentlemen, because this is what the character is.

But the point is, the movie is like, get ready for it, everybody. Because soon enough, she'll find all this charming. Because he certainly doesn't change one lick. No, he just learns to deal with it. It's just the entire world around him also becomes 2D. Well, yeah, neither of them really come off as characters, really. They don't do much

outside of like meat and dislike each other and then like each other. But it's Heigle's movie and like even that she's like the buttoned up career woman like she doesn't have specificity in so far as like you know what I mean? Like none of this we never get a 10 criteria. We never

understand like what her goal is. What's her ambitions beyond being this fucking in this goddamn forsaken shit all. Money. She wants money. Yes, just wants money I guess is what you're supposed to I'm wearing her down. So he has his first on-air segment.

He's talking about marriage or something. And he starts using John Michael Higgins and Cheryl Hines as like an example. And they have like a famously bad marriage off the camera kind of a thing. So he starts like doing marriage counseling on the air, which ends in them like making out and like getting ready to fucking bone on live television. Because he's like, you better fuck your husband. It's like, you make. too much money for your husband

and she's like, well, what am I supposed to do with that? And he's like, fucking deal with it. Like that's kind of it. Like she's like, get fucking. There's a whole thing about like, oh, a woman making more money than you, emasculates you and you'll never have sex again.

And it's like, please. Oh, that's what it is because he's like, oh, I'm having trouble getting it up or something. It's like, because she pulls in more than you. If I never had sex with somebody who'd been more than me, I'd be a fucking virgin. all right that's just how that shit works I work in publishing

it's fine you know what it would be it's great for women to make more money yeah of course it's totally fine it's never something that even entered my brain what's end with this guy's brain

multiple times so we get a like a little peek at his home life where he's got this like little nephew who he's raising to be like a junior fucking monster like he is and this is one of those things who's like oh fuck of course he's got a kid

And then when it gets downgraded to nephew, I'm like, wait, why doesn't he have a kid? Like, you don't even like, that should be the thing. Oh, I forgot to wrap it up one night. Here came, Timmy. Oh, yeah, he ain't paying for any of those kids. Don't give it. Please, look at this guy. I was in a three men and I was a little in a baby situation and I killed the other two men.

There was a bassinet and I claimed that baby. Now their ghosts haunt are pretty cool apart. artiments we all shared. There's a big mural of three dudes and two have exes on them and it's just Gerard Butler with a top hat. It's exes over the eyes. Exactly. I got the baby

I won. Tongues hanging out of their mouths. Oh, of course. But yeah, and there's little kids like, hey, uncle Mike, I was sexually harassing this girl in school today and she wasn't having it. He's like, gach, you got to save that for the

hoot ones. Yeah, he's like, you're too young to do my thing like exactly this is where he almost has a it's not the third dimension it's like when a room has like a little bit of a weird divit it's not like that's not a corner it's like the smallest amount of morals you could possibly have yes exactly well yeah the chadways classically bring the young out at 18 they kill a bear with their bare hands and then they are able to mate it's just like sparta yeah your birthday's coming up i'm gonna take you to the Hoor House That's what he'd do

He would be one of those uncles that it's like Let's go get it over with We're going to the ranch The Who house Whose house He's just like a who's on first He's just like going to local diners And asking if they have a cat house

And back But they're all Where do you keep the prostitutes While I wait for me eggs Wait what Kevin said it's a diner With hookers Or it could be anything.

He would just be walking in and asking them anywhere where the prostitutes might be. I thought he meant human eggs. Could you blow me where the pamphers is? Sir, this is a state farm. This kid's got six lines and the mom has like one. And that is it for the whole fucking side story. What?

She's like, well, oh, you know, your uncle is just such and such and such and such. And that's it. And we get back to Catherine Heigel who's living. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. There's a bad joke here because it's 2009, and I guess we're still using these, the answering machine gag, where he's like in his fucking bachelor pad above the garage a la Arthur Fonzarelli or wherever this dude's. Well, to be fair, up to it, including like two weeks ago he's making public access money. Right. Yeah, right. Which is, I don't think any money at all. It's just, no, none. It's a hobby. Insulting women is a hobby. Free drinks at the worst bar. But he's checking his messages and it's just one after the other like, ooh, I want to pull your be. Oh, I want to suck you. And like the kids walking in

and he's trying to fast forward. Yeah. Yeah, beep. Oh, yeah, this is Ronan Farrow. Could you care of to comment before he's going to press? And he, it's a total... Oh, shit, Ronan Farrow's blowing up

me answering machine. I'm getting canceled. Just when the public access was getting good. But he does... They fucking rip off a Seinfeld joke right here. He can't get a... and he fucking pulls it out of the wall. Oh, really?

And then he's just holding this big boxy answering machine. I was like, really? In 2009, still a big ass answering machine like that? Sure. Is there a cassette tape in there? I mean, no. I don't know. We're not doing that still, are we?

I guess, I mean, I don't know, because he's, like, unemployed, so maybe the joke's like he's got old technology or something. I don't know. Or maybe because the sylons keep invading, he downgrades his talent. That makes sense. Oh, so it won't come alive and kill him. Right, exactly.

That makes sense. A reference I wouldn't get. So say we all! And all of his paper for shows they just cut the ends so that it's not like a perfect triangle or rectangle so it's just like a hexagon piece of paper.

Those hexagon pieces of paper made no fucking sense. Just have a sheet of paper. I love that show more than life itself. They made no sense. But if you developed outside of Earth like a separate planet and they just, you know, they just don't care about efficiency

see at all. Not four cuts, eight. Well, you know, maybe they make little footballs out of the sides that cut off or whatever. Oh, there we go. Yeah, that makes sense. But like, if Ben Franklin instituted that, we'd all be doing it. Oh, that turkey fucker didn't care about cuts of paper, dude. That dude was a sylon.

That dude would be canceled, by the way. Oh, dude, definitely. So she's like spying on this dude across the way who's naked because, like, her cat got up a tree. Yeah. So then she gets the cat and then it's like, say, I heard pornography. music starting better look around this is insane and it's just this dude like in a towel the fucking

branch breaks by the way do you notice this is a fucking fake as fuck branch here like obviously it would be fake either way but like it's a bad looking prop in this movie yeah she goes her her skirt goes over her head kind of a thing right but this guy is a good looking yeah not to be fair to katherine iagle yeah this is a lean piece of beef yeah oh yeah and and it really is pretty jaw-dropping This is like a steaming little piece of beef. And I mean, like, it's totally fine to have, I don't know, like, but this dude has a lot of lines in this movie. Like, you could find a fit comedic actor.

You get yourself a Paul Rudd in there, a Ken Marino, baby. Someone who could carry. You're not getting a Paul run. Being literal, he, like, has about as much, like, dramatic energy as the side of beef as well. Yeah, no, he does. He cannot carry a scene whatsoever. No, he's just like, I'm good looking. Yeah.

I'm a doctor. I check off the boxes on your sheet. The thwap you hear when you put a lot of beef down at a butcher's. That's every time he speaks, I just hear that. Thwap. You should not be surprised to learn that this dude was on 683 episodes of Days of Our Lives. You do not say. Yep.

Oh, and Harold and Kumar escaped from Guantanamo Bay. Ooh, did he play a guard? He played Coulton. Not to be confused with his character in this movie, which is Colin. Oh. Yeah. For indifference. Oh, by the way, he's white.

I don't know if you guys have you curled up on that. If you haven't seen the movie, they guys, right. By the way, his IMDB, like, profile page, his actor's name is Eric Winter. The little, like, video next to his featured photo. Winter is coming? No, it's him and her at the baseball stadium, which we'll talk about in a second. It's her just deep-throating the hot dog. This is, like, the highlight of his entire life, honestly.

Being in the ugly, this movie is $200 million bucks. Yeah. 200 million smackers. Hopefully he's getting some fucking shit on the back end, dude. I feel like days of our lives is more profitable. Yeah, that's true. He was part of the Heigelverse. Oh, the Heigelverse.

Let's explore that. Let's not say we did. It's her when she turns into Heigelberg, which is her dark alter ego. She puts on a black hat. Guess what, Apatow? I'm the one who knocks motherfucker. I think that's what got her, uh, no phone calls. Yeah.

Uh, she should start doing meth. She's doing suits, which is pretty close. Oh, really? She's on that suits, man. Final season coming up. Suits is still going on. I just saw the, I've never, I've never seen a full episode of suits. They're not pretending I'm a suits suit suit.

No, I don't watch a USA original programming. Don't do not steal suits valor. I just, it was promoted in my feet. It was like, the final. season of suits, which I think the only reason they're like giving the show a swan song is that they can show Megan Markle clips. Like, it'd be like

remember? Remember? Yeah, totally. I think that's probably it. They'll have her character like have a car bombing or something. Catherine Heigel's trying to figure it out. Along with the titular suits. Yeah, like 16 episodes. Wow. The, the, what you're calling?

The producer of suits is like, let's just get Megan back for the last episode. You know, let me just, oh, she's not returning any of our calls like any of them i don't think who went to the wedding who went to the wedding again none of them did some no did they really suitzers were at the wedding wow suitsors attended yes sisters were in attendance that's pretty decent american representation i'd say oh oh god she wants us to write harry in oh no dude you you'd fucking kill for a fucking royalty on that show absolutely dude are you kidding me camvin characters and royalty welcome on the u.s.

now we're paying royalties to royalty there's another show royal pains remember that one that one got canceled no one no one married into royalty on that one but didn't that run for like it's all USA they all run for 140 years it's all secret television shows dude what was monk like 11 seasons yeah something like that you'll be surprised I couldn't imagine that hairy guy acting no although I did see him act a little bit when uh when he went to afghanistan and pretended to be a fighter. That was kind of funny. You wear a little fun helmet?

Yeah, he was just like, hey, I'm just like you guys. No, you know. So anyway, she falls out of this tree. She gets stuck. The dude comes out, towel wrapped around. Yeah. She's freaking out. He's trying to help her.

And she like rips off this towel and she is face to dick right here. Yes, that's right. And there needs to be some kind of a joke here. Yeah. She sort of just like covers up her face and they don't acknowledge it at all. there has to be like, oh, I'm sorry, oh, and then he's got to be reacting. Yeah.

There's just nothing. It's smooth as a kneecap down there. Oh, nice. Oh, right. That's what it is. Make some joke about like a wax job. Yeah. Nice wax job.

Anything. A red and stumpy bad smell noise. Oh my God. Awesome. Yeah. Of course. Fucking cheese dick. So Mike is,

an instant sensation overnight some might even say. And like she's like she like she has like tentative plans of the doctor. She calls him the next day and Mike's because Mike like Mike's like when are you gonna get over it? I'm a fucking hit. And she's like

oh blah blah blah fuck you. I'm gonna call this doctor's like he's not into you because you're fucking needy and weird. And like the idea she calls him and like he puts her on hold he hangs up on it's like listen you've got to play the law i'll make a deal with you which makes which kind of makes this a movie but

isn't a movie which is like basically the deal is if i help you get this guy you'll stop being shitty at work and it's not like it's not you have 20 days you have 10 days no you're right it's very low stakes i guess this is what the movie's about exactly that's the deal of the movie but the movie needs a deal to be a movie it's like half uh like serenot de burgeon Jack and half like she is Eliza Doolittle basically. There's no sense of place. That's like exactly like any sense of what the newsrooms

actually like to work there. They're just there to argue with each other and it's a place where they argue with each other and you don't really get to know what the whole thing is other than small snippets of Cheryl Heinz and fucking John Michael Higgins. And because I guess this

movie was written by Al Bundy or Al Bundy did a pass on the screen play maybe. His first segment after he's a huge hit is Jello wrestling with babes in a pool. I think Ted Bundy did her right up on his script.

It is incredibly vile and shockingly evil this whole script. It's just like the whole notion of like a jello wrestling. It's just like such a played gag. It's like your uncle wrote the screenplay. It's a 90s game. It's disgusting. It's like a John Waters

scene. That Jello look like jelly by the way. It looks really gross. And he's like, oh, that was strawberry. Well, because she's like, all right, fine. She's in the control room. She gets into it. All right, fine. If we're going to do this, fuck it. We're going to do it right. We're going to go for it or whatever. And she gets like on the intercom

and she's like, put her finger in your mouth now. Yeah. And he's like, pardon me. And he doesn't. Yeah. And he's like, oh, I was wrong. It was cherry flavored. Oh, hot. When I'm getting jerk-off instructions in me earpiece.

Oh, shit. My AirPods are in me headfords. Everything's backwards. She has that bullshit nightmare where, like, she's a naked weather girl. Yeah. And he's like the king of the network or whatever. These are more cartoon fucking things right here because she's got, like, cartoon clouds over her boobs.

and then she's like, oh, the low pressure system is going to go down here. And I mean, like, that's, like, not funny, but it's fine if you know what she's actually trying to do. If she's like, I want to win a fucking Emmy because I want to, I want to, I want to make, to make people feel warm and nice inside or whatever her ambition might be. There's no stakes because, like, she's presented with the low ratings and she's like, kind of doesn't care. Yes. She's like, oh, I'll think something up. and all of our ideas are terrible because she doesn't put anything into it.

Right. Well, she also mentions like she's already an award-winning journalist and blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, part of it is like she's over with it. But, yeah, it should be like a, she's trying to get to the next level of, like, the network or like whatever it is. She has no goals other than like, somebody fuck me.

But also, like, the whole idea of like, oh, man, you know what people want to watch at fucking 9 a.m.? is fucking jello wrestling, which is no one. Right. It's a little too early. And that whole demographic is, you know, it's older female, older women. You know what I mean? Like, that's why those shows are what they are.

Sure, sure, sure. But there's an audience. Oh, they're out there. At nine of, I guess there's weird desperate loners. Yes, there's teens. That's very content. The dudes who work the night shift who are always at the bar when you're going to work. Yeah.

They're passing out to the news before. You ever watch commercials and they're really specifically tailored and you're like, well, I shouldn't be watching. watching this because like I'll I was I watch like uh used to have this TV over here which it watched like two o'clock in the morning like a bad movie or something and it was like all the commercials were addiction based it was always like I used to do crack cocaine and now I don't and I'm like well I'm not doing that but I would if it was here it's like after um like the the like the news magazine shows at night like on MSNBC once they hit the last one they just start

replaying prime time. And when you hit those commercials, I think I Instagrammed one of these one time. It was so fucking hilarious. It was this guy and he's like, yeah, so I'm really happy with my new evergreen catheter. You know, older catheters

and he just, this guy's saying catheter like a thousand times in this ad, it's the funniest thing. The one with me is commemorative coins. I'm just plagued by them and I'm like, this is not for me and you know this is not for me. I watch like an old Johnny Carson

and it's like the whole like two minutes of a commercial break is like you ever get your catheter stuck in the door like you ever hit a doorknob and you're flying brand new coffins

wine coffin there's also stuff like I saw one recently which was fucking great it was just like you ever know you ever have you paid into life insurance you know you could sell your policy

and not get any money when you die but it doesn't matter because you'll be dead there's a I was actually just visiting my folks last weekend. And my dad, big this TV head. Oh, yeah. Because they spin all his favorites, dude.

Hogan's Heroes. I believe you had some Perry Mason on there. A lot of the old shows, right? So there we are watching Hogan's Heroes. And it's like, well, clearly, if you have this on, you've probably served in the military. It's something about like military family insurance. It's a faster way to fold a tri-folded flag.

It's an automated way for your funeral to make it out. My favorite one was a steel build. There was a warehouse somewhere where somebody bought a bunch of steel sheds. And the idea was, it starts up with this guy's like, I bought my steel shed and I love it. And it's like for your backyard or whatever. Oh, I'm pretty sure I've seen this. And the thing is, no reasonable offer is refused, which I always love that idea.

What is a reasonable offer in this situation? Well, I think it depends upon how big the steel shed is, of course. Yeah, that's true. Because you got to start from there. But, like, my first thing, I would think is reasonable if it was like a, maybe like the mid-size one. I don't know, like $300. Yeah. Wow, that's a steel.

That's nice. What about like a length of tubing that I have in my house? Is that a reasonable offer? We will come by and take your copper and leave. Leave a steel shed. Oh, right. Definitely on these adverts, dude,

you can be fucking bartering with them. Oh, absolutely. Three easy payments of whatever's in your garage. We will strip the copper out of your house and take your dog,

but we will leave you a steel shed. All right, we will leave you a steel shed if in return we get six chances this summer to swim in your pool. There's more copper in your house than you know.

We can find it in all kinds of places. We've been watching your house. So that's the sort of low-stakes deal. It's like, I will help you get this guy if you stop fucking around at work. Right. So she's like, okay. And like, it's like, I mean, A, Cousin Hegel's a really beautiful woman. A, number one.

So she's like ahead of every game you could be ahead of. Right. And B, she's successful. But like, it's like she's never gotten laid before, which is this weird thing. Like, she's never gotten a man in quotation marks. Well, doesn't she tell him it's been 11 months since she had sex? That's not that long. I mean, it's a long time.

But, like, what are we? it's a long time. Also, it's a long time. Did anybody else notice that, like, she just kind of forgets who he is every time they split apart? Gerard Butler? Yeah. Like, every time she'll say some of us, she's like, oh, my God, again with this.

Like, this is a continuous thing. Like, that's his whole character. Everything, like, it just like starts all over again. He tells her this is, this is, and listen up, folks. Ooh. This is some sage advice when they're about to get, she's about to go on a date with this doctor. Mm-hmm. He says that you have to balance the saint and the sinner with the librarian and the stripper.

Yeah. Great. Thanks a lot, man cow. Well, this is a weirdly R-rated movie. For no reason. Because I hear the first fuck. And I'm like, oh, well, that's the fuck of the movie. And it's a weird.

I remember when it hit. And I was like, well, I guess you got it in. Because it's like 20 minutes in the movie. Yeah. But then when I was like, you got to, he goes to like a store and he's like, oh, you know. And she's like, I'm successful and well, and, you know, well, uh, well connected and all the stuff. I was like, yeah, men like that, but they don't want to fuck it. Yeah.

And then she mentions, like, how she met that doctor. Yeah. And he's like, oh, doctor. That just means they put fingers up butts. Oh, no. She's like, yeah, he's a doctor. And he's like, oh, doctor, you know what that means? And she's like, uh, successful, you know, has a lot of money.

And he's like, no, he had to stick his fingers up. some guy's arsehole in med school. God forbid. Like Lord Almighty, what is this guy's problem? He's Adam Carolla in a movie. I think he hasn't gotten late in 11 months. Oh, at least.

Gerard Butler? Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, this answer to us, it's all sexy ladies calling you, but you can't call him back. Like, what is this fucking front he's putting on? Like, if you're really secure and content in your sexuality or

whatever, you're not barking at women and calling them Shrek. You know, if you pay $12 a month on Pornhub, you can get jerk off instructions on your answer and machine. Oh, great. Now to the weather. So,

she goes out on a date with the doctor to a minor league baseball game. She's got a Bluetooth in her ear. We are serious. You're on a de Berger racket. Absolutely, George. Butler is like a couple of sections away. I think this is after this dude comes to her house to, like, talk to her and they're playing like, don't answer the door right away.

Right. And then when she finally does, you could clearly see Gerard Butler like. Oh, peaking over the couch. Yes, under the couch. And I think the guy sees it too. He sees it and he says nothing. And I'd be like, uh, ma'am, there's a murderer in your apartment. There's an abnormally large Scotsman over there.

But they are kind of playing this dynamic that, oh, she might be seeing someone else to try to make this guy interested. But, like, she's talking to you and there's a dude listening, hiding under the couch. He might be into couples, you don't know. Which would be fine if they would explore that. Come on in and cuck me girlfriend. I guess he'd be getting cucked. Well, she was getting fucked by the idea. They're all getting cucked.

But, I mean, I just feel like if I open a door and there's a. dude in the like hi I'm here for the gang bang yeah exactly it's just sort of like you just get that energy like have I'm giving off dude energy behind your oven like no it's okay

I'm giving her advice to fuck you that makes it worse it makes it so much worse if I was in a relationship with somebody and I found out they were getting advice from Gerard Butler the whole time what was I up was I just a bet was I just a fucking bet

you. Well, now the shoe's on the other foot. See? Nobody likes it. Nobody likes being a stupid bet. At least if she's all that, there was like a legitimate bet. There was, yeah.

I have no idea what the wager is in this movie, but somebody's gambling. So they go to a minor league baseball game. He's got, like, again, like, she just never talked to a man in her whole fucking life, I guess. And like, she needs a fucking, uh, a Bluetooth where he's like, hey, do this. And he's like, hey, put that hot dog in you out of mouth.

And she's like, what? suck the dog it's like men like to watch women put phallic items in their mouth and it's like a you don't need someone to tell you that and also you need you need a voice in your head to be like

oh well that like maybe he'd be aroused by this but it's wildly inappropriate listen here's the minor league baseball game and you are at a minor league baseball game the family friendliest of sporting events wait till a fireworks before you start

belating a hot dog. Exactly. Wait till everyone's distracted before you pull that move. I mean, it's one of those things where if I saw that happening IRL, I would just be in my head like, that's really weird. And now rise as we salute the armed forces

in this country. Oh, wait, that woman is filleting the hot dog in Road 9. Everyone turn around. Stop saluting the veterans. Look at that. It gets to there, right? Aren't they on kiss cam at some point? She drops the hot. dog, which I think is the joke

or is it not that she starts choking on it? Oh, I didn't get there. Because I think he says like something else and that causes her to drop the hot dog. Because she's got the thing that's like and she just, it hits the floor but part of it hits his pants and he's like oh my pleaded khakis

and then it's like oh let me get this stain out and she's like rubbing the stain out and the can't. It's one of these like Hey, everybody, look at this. Which would never happen. She's jerking them off. Let's broadcast it for all the families. The camera guy turns around and he's like, say, this will be funny.

And first of all, people who do jerk off at minor league baseball games do not wind up on the kiss cam. Yeah. Because they know they're there. It's like, oh, fuck, it's that couple again. All right, we're moving on, moving on. Yeah, no, they went up at the security cam, dude, the fucking security office. Yeah, that's the cum cam. It's just, oh, it's Barry and Wanda.

Ew. God. Yes, the only season ticket holders the entire organization. Hey, Barry's going to go in the bathroom and piss. You want to watch him? No, Wanda, I don't. I just want to go home.

I was just here getting some circus peanuts for my son. Yeah, but we come to the ball game to go to the bathroom and drink piss. That's where the best piss is. Hey, you want to piss on my girlfriend and that. the bathroom. And you could do that. They got that trough style, like, fucking Wrigley, dude. You can swim in that place if you want to. No, it's

totally fine. The Mickey Mouse security here. It's just minor league. It's not like your Yankee Stadium. We got these guys wrapped around our little finger. They're going to piss on you, too. Don't worry. I literally want Cracker Jacks. Is it possible?

That's the code word for best play. Yeah, so humiliated, you know, and not as much as she should be. Like, they're leaving the, they're coming home from the date and it's like, what a crazy night. I would be like, okay, well, I'm never going to see you again because I'm humiliated and can't face you. Also, I'm probably a meme. Like, by the time I walk in the door and turn on Live Journal. I'm on like stupid people at Walmart.com or somewhere shit.

Some boomer nonsense meme. And she, so she, like, walks away from him and it's like, but he's like really into her because he's like, wow, that hot dog looked a lot like a penis. And that's like oral sex, which is something we may have one day. And she's like, yes, that's true. I'm glad we spelled all that out from that. That's good to know. And, but like, she winds up going off and then like Gerard Bell was like, hey, you know what you need out of sick. you ever to flick your bean

this is really something else this is like this is so this is the next day this is when he's asking about like when was the last time she had sex and he's like or she says 11 months ago and he's like and then she's like

there's nothing wrong with that and he goes yeah okay fine when was the last time you know and she's like no yeah because she knows not what sex is and this is when he's says, you know, flick the bean and you're like, oh man, you're at work

dude. Someone is going to HR. So much of this is you're at work, dude. And like it's just, like, clearly she's like, well, it's been this many months or whatever and like blah, blah, blah. And he's like, let me buy you vibrate and panties. And she's

and she's like, oh, that's a great idea. That's a totally normal, regular thing. I'm not aware. This, this, this relationship we're having right now makes total sense. Here's the thing. If it was like, it wouldn't be good, right? It wouldn't be appropriate in any way.

Sounds like you're about to describe a crime. But if he, if he offered, he was like, why don't I buy you something? I'm this shock jock. Yeah, wow. It's worse, though, because she's just at the office or maybe it's when she gets home. She gets home. She gets home. But it's the gift bag.

And in the fucking card, it says, this present in it for you, it's full. For your bean. Come on, man. I'm buying your clitoris a present. He starts writing love letters just to her clitoris. Dear Frihole. By my sweet Frihole. Do you remember his segment that day, too?

Oh, he's dressed of like an ape when they're watching monkeys fucking on like some B-roll. And he's talking about how apes gang bang. And you should too. Oh, right. Because if there's a community disagreement, they have an orgy, and then the problem solved. So the dues is now NC17 on the local distinction. And somebody's like, oh, he can't say that. And like, oh, they say erection on Sesame Street.

And I'm like, what, what segment was that? Oh, you don't see that one dude, Mr. Hooper, you know, he was having a problem getting it up and he was talking a big bird about it. They got rid of Kevin Clash. It's fine. That's true. Like, that dude operated that entire puppet with an erection. and it was fucking crazy. Strange.

But yeah, so he's like, oh, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like me, that bearded guy and that dog and we're all talking about your Bush's big to beets. It's just so fucking bad. And so, yes, they are, it's a pair of panties with a vibrator in them and like a little remote control. And like, she's like, okay, let me put. And A, this is a weird, look, it's one thing, like, essentially. you know de Bergerac wasn't to the other guy like, hey man, let me watch you jerk off

real quick. Well, maybe he shouldn't look up, dude. I got a huge fucking nose. I'm really weird, but I want to watch you jerk off a little bit. Climb that tree. But yeah, wait, but does that happen in Roxanne? I don't think that's what Steve Martin's getting up to in that movie.

He's in the bush for quite a while there, Steve. That nose is like an erection. It is kind of like that, Eric. Put it in your mouth. I'm not doing that. Do you think Jimmy Durante ever had nasal sex? Oh, probably. The Golden Age of Hollywood was a weird time. Ha, cha, cha.

Yeah, exactly. Probably charged for it. By the way, ask your great-grandfather who that was. But, like, it's clearly not a Serena de Bergerac thing if he's sexually interested in you. And, like, you know what I mean? Well, you know, we said it was lightly referencing Serenot de Bergerac. But that's what she thinks it is like, oh, this guy's helping me get this guy and he's put on these

erosing panties and fuck yourself not really like but she does put them on she puts them on like she's about to go on a date with this dude it's a big moment for her because the stakes in this are like life

and death for her fucking getting this doctor or whatever but he's like running late because I'm a doctor and people like kids are bleeding here or whatever and she's like I'm in a haunted hospital, and kids are just randomly pleading everywhere.

And she's just like, oh, this fucking guy's running late. I'm going to have I'd as well put on my pleasure panties. And she does. And like, the guy's instantly there because the kids stop bleeding real quick or whatever. Well, no, it's Jar Butler and Nick Searcy. They're like, oh, it's time for the corporate dinner. And she's like, I have a date. Kidnap this guy to go.

By the way, fucking schedule that shit. You know, coming at my, not showed up to my house where I'm wearing all kinds of panties one yes schedule that corporate dinner because you don't know what kind of panties i'm wearing right yeah the screenplay is sort of unclear as to whether or not she forgot about it yeah booked it herself it's poorly written so we'll never know but here's the other thing number two though if you're this dude dr colin and it's like listen i got to go out with you know the talent from my show that i hate and my fucking uh network you know manager or whatever um this dude needs to say, I don't need to attend this dinner.

Yes. This guy goes on the date. Big problem. I mean, like, six months. You, A, have to have had sex already, and B, have to have been dating for, like, three to four months before work functions enter the relationship. Right. This is, like, the second time they're going out. I'm not going to go, I'm not going to go with your work friends at this weird Scottish dude. Like, goodbye. You just have to apologize, cancel, reschedule, say, this work thing came up. You'll understand because the kids were bleeding, so you, you

you get it. It's not even the work. It's not like a work event. It's the pitch meeting for next year. It's what's going to decide if you have a fucking job or not. Right. Yeah. Can't excuse yourself for a fucking second to go to the bathroom to take off your panties. Well, exactly.

It's a vibration. No, but first, that's a bullshit try. It's a bullshit try. Yeah. I agree. I mean, like, I would rather not wear underwear as opposed to wear a sex toy to work. Exactly. Or wait, like, go back a little bit, wait for them to go get in front of you take out the thing and stomp it the controller like it's a tracking

device yeah just be fucking done with it so she goes to this dinner and it's the dinner is specifically two guys from corporate or whatever the fuck are there yep gerard butler shows up with the the twins that were doing jello wrestling because he's a fucking miller light commercial and he's like and he's like oh look look who i brought millie and molly and like they all kind to join the dinner and like the guy is like hey Catherine Hegel why don't you give this great presentation about your idea for next year she's like okay

I'll do that and the first of all I would leave the remote at home that's the remote to the underwear listen you're all right but the way that that scene all plays out is they're like hurry hurry hurry hurry we got to get in the car

for the dinner so yes she should have changed out of the panties but no she didn't have time yes she should have left the remote control at home, but no, she had to answer the door, and she just puts it in her bag accidentally. Smash it. With your heel, just smash it. Or leave it in the car.

This is not like a standard remote. This is like a stainless steel dildo with buttons on it. And some fat kid from the next table over starts playing with it, and she starts coming on everyone. That's the thing is she gets sexually pleasureed by a child in this movie. Ladies

and gentlemen, I implore you. I mean, yeah, I guess so. She does. Yeah, that happens. But it's not like he knows what's going on. They go to this dated comet ping pong pizza. Oh, no. Gerard Butler's really into it.

It's not just, yeah, it's not just the fact that it's... He loves kids having sex. He thinks that it's fantastic that this kid is making her calm. Oh, he's having a large. The remote falls out of her bag, and a kid picks it up. He's like, oh, it's a video game. And he doesn't know what he's doing, because I think it would make it actually illegal to show this to the film.

That's what I was trying to point out. He started smashing the button. That's right. If you have a sex with a kid, make sure they don't know what they're doing. Yeah, they had to take off the original Barry White song that was playing over this entire scene. Yeah, and put it on the fucking wiggles. The wiggles!

Isn't that like a nice song? I bet you that was a note, though, Kevin. Like, you have to change out the sexy music. Oh, I'm never going to go. Yeah, yeah, I bet you that was a note. Put on the theme song to the Wuzzles. But this is, so like... By the way, we got to do the Wuzzles on animation, damnation.

Ooh, I like that idea. That's a cartoon, right? I don't know. There's like an elephant man. Yes, the Wuzzles. Yes, good. What? The Wuzzles.

It's a cartoon. The Newzels? Wuzzles. I'm looking it up. The Nusels were the little koala bears from space that I've talked about several times. How about those snorkel guys that have those weird... Snorks. No, I think you're right.

I think Andrew's correct. It's the Nusels. No, there's got to be a Wuzzles. The Nusels were, it was the blue koala bear and the pink koala bear, and they were also aliens. And they made friends with this little girl. girl whose father was lost in an alternate dimension. Oh wait, hold on. No, Eric is correct. There are

Wuzzles. I'm sorry, you can continue with your Nusels. No, that's it. The father was like lost in an alternate dimension. Nusels Wuzzles. Wuzzles are a A variety of short, rounded animal characters, which are called

Steve Sadex. Look at how the Sadek puts its behind in the air when it's ready to mate. Now, notice how it's being pleasureed at a restaurant by a child. Each is roughly even

in a colorful mix of two different animal species. Are we talking about cartoons or real animals? No, it's cartoons. These are not real animals. I'm going to say that's a Cronin book movie. As the Thieves song mentions,

Living with a split personality. Oh, what? And all the characters support wings on their backs, although only Bumbellion and Butter Bear are seemingly capable of flight. I'm not going to read the whole

Wuzzles Wikipedia. Thank you. But that is what is that show warped my brain. Steve, how many seasons? Oh, that's a good question. I'm going to say three. No, one episode, 13 episodes, and we're out of here.

13 and we're done? 13 and we're done. Wow, I guess I watched them three times. But so this kid's fucking mash. He's a real button masher. I would hate to play fucking Mortal Kombat with this kid. You know why I'd be getting frustrated. He'd be getting cheesied, dude.

Totally cheese. He'd be doing the same fucking, the same high back kick. He's sweeping the leg nonstop, just like he's flicking this bean, nonstop. Dude, this fucking kid's like cheating at fucking orgasms.

And like morally, yes, Carson and Hegel shouldn't have worn that underwear to dinner. The kid doesn't know what's going on. Gerard Butler is watching this kid and knowing what's going. Because she has to give this presentation and it's like the fucking,

and like she's doing like orgasm face. It's like, listen, Meg Ryan, you are not Catherine Heigel. I know exactly what everybody was thinking about trying to shoot this. It's true. Fucking Harry Matt Sally, dude. And she tries to excuse herself and says, hey, Gerard Butler, you tell them the presentation. Right. I have to go take a wicked shit or whatever.

Well, that's the thing. Invoking Chris Cabin right here. I got to take his shit. Yeah. And then she should shut it all down. She didn't say shit. She just tried to excuse herself to the bathroom. But then Gerard Butler is like,

I like how you're telling it. Why don't you keep telling it? Oh, you're getting pleasure by a child, and I'm kind of pulling the strings. Like, that's what's going on here. Yes, he's getting off. He sends a beer to the kids. Was it good for you?

Yeah, at the end of this scene. Hey, kid, orange button. Push the orange. No, wait, orange, orange, orange, blue. Orange, orange, blue, blue, orange. A, B, up, up down, up down. but at the end of the Green

Gerard Butler the kid and Catherine Hegel smoking a cigarette out back but yeah like and he's like no I want you to do it and like she and like yeah but yeah you should be like oh no I have wicked diarrhea right

yep exactly you want me to shit all over this floor I'll shit all over this floor and tell you about this TV show's plans bladder job but she orgasms like full on has an orgasm hardcore and yeah it's like

I'm surprised actually it's not points but nice job reserving yourself movie and no one made any kind of a I'll have what she's having reference I'll have what that kids have it. Give me the chicken

fingers and a couple of french fries. Give me dry pasta I'll have what that kids happen. So somehow even after all of that this doctor is down to clown still so they plan

a romantic getaway for the weekend to Lake Tahoe is the idea this is where they're gonna fuck for the first time Well there's a long what do you call it they're a montage of them like getting on Oh right to that Natasha Bettingfield song there Cabin what is that pocket full of sunshine I think It's really bad whatever it is

It's like they're driving in his convertible And then they go on like a picnic in the forest He hand feeds or a cracker with some caviar on it And when he turns his back, she's like, it's a J. Jill catalog come to life. A what now? A J. Jill. Jay Jill?

Yeah. What's that? Jay Jillan Hall's catalog? Not Jillen Hall. It's a clothing company. Called Jail? Yeah, yeah. All right.

But they make pleasure panties? No, they're... What are they? Like, the United States of Benetton? No, it's two animals put together and they have bumblebee wings. No, that's a was alive. It's a jellyfish. I just learned Buffalo Bill.

But the, the Tahoe Bay. trip has to be canceled because we are told he's gotten this job offer to go to an affiliate in San Francisco or no this is the this is the CBS gig the national gig he's flying to LA to be on Craig Ferguson and Craig Ferguson is going to be like basically his like backdoor

pilot into being on CBS is the idea and he got on it and like the guys like we can't lose this guy he saved our whole network and by the way at this point they're friends by like her and him or like buddies. They already had a montage where everything came together. Exactly.

The montage is half her and the doctor and half her and Gerard Butler having like kind of fun times. Right. Yeah. I mean, they've made each other orgasm by now. In front of a child.

Yeah, that's a big. Yeah. I mean, the child was involved. But also it's like she's dating this dude and she credited it all to Gerard Butler. Because I guess the other thing too is Gerard Butler's like,

you are like a controlling person. You have to have things such a way. They're, the Serenode de Bergeracking is him being like, you just got chill out a bit. Yeah. And also he like introduces the concept of nagging. Pretty much. She like nags the hell out of this guy and it drives him up the wall. But he likes it, likes her even more due to the negging.

And it was all because of Gerard Butler, you know, being a pickup artist or whatever. Yeah, totally. Mystery or whatever that dude's name. Yes, yes, from the VH1s or whatever. So they go to L.A. And then she shows up there and he's like, what are you doing here? Couldn't stay away, could ye?

And she's like, no, I'm here to help you out. It's all under the guys. I'm going to help you with your Craig Ferguson experience. Right. Whatever. Yeah, do the interview properly. And they somehow get the pleasure panties on Craig Ferguson. And his balls are going all over the place.

And he's never taken him off since. No. Whoa, hold on. Wait, I'm not getting. the Letterman show? Well, fuck this. Yeah, man. He kind of got screwed over, man. But he was waiting at 4 o'clock in the morning

until fucking Letterman retired. This is weird, though. Where did this come up? Someone was mentioning this about Craig Ferguson. He's actually one of the smartest dudes ever because apparently this... In the contract, yeah. He had a contract that said if he didn't get Letterman's job, they had to pay him $40 million. Oh, what a fucking...

What a genius. So it's totally fine. I'm not complaining, but it's He did kind of get screwed by CBS, but he was smart enough to know that he was going to get screwed. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You're not having a Scotsman on that main stage. But this is what's, so there is kind of a funny thing here

where she's like, all right, I'm going to be Craig Ferguson. We're going to do like a test interview. And she tries to do much like we're trying to do a Scottish accent. To which Gerard Butler replies, okay, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson, which is pretty funny. So he goes on Ferguson. And it's kind of funny. I guess they're like Friends, IRL. you can hear like Gerard Butler being so jealous of the fact that Craig Ferguson can use his real voice

because like if you thought that this accent was struggling to you know keep itself in the basement before hearing another dude getting to be Scottish you get like a lion trying to behave next to another lion it's like they're ready to go at it and the other line is just eating that fucking steak and then like Gerard Butler lines just got to stand there and watch Craig Ferguson in line, eat this meat? It's like me going to a Yankee game, dude. It's really tough. Keep that Bronx shit in check. It's true, dude. You're like

a werewolf when you go to a Yankee game. But now I'm just imagining, like, oh, the switching careers a little bit. Gerard Butler is Drew Carey's boss. Oh, wow. Right? Swapping careers? Mr. Carey.

You know what? I'm fucking sick of Ryan Stiles showing up here. Whatever he fucking pleases. You know, Mr. Kerry, I've asked you several times to keep your stupid scrawny friends out of the office. And maybe don't even get me started on you. Oh, wait, hold on. It's one of those what's wrong with these episodes, episodes.

Dude, fuck that gimmick shit, that show always. I liked a lot of that show, but when it started going down those alleys, no thank you. I remember so little about the Drew Terry show. Yeah, you're fine. It was a funny show, but they did. I remember it was fine. They started getting into shit where it's like, yeah, call into this number.

If you know what exactly was upset in Drew's kitchen in that last scene. It was so bad. Turns out Maggie shot him. Really good John Carroll Lynch in that. Oh, absolutely. Is the brother? Yeah, yeah. So my sucks don't match Colitin.

I slept with Mimmy. Oh, yeah, dude. So it's a weird, like, Craig Ferguson cuts to the bone with this guy. Yeah, but it's weird because, like, one thing, he's a local Sacramento guy. And we've talked about this, but it is odd that he's just on the show. And it's not like, he's just like, this is a guy. Introducing him, he is a guy that talks, tells it like it is. Welcome to the show, other guy.

Right. And, I mean, yeah. It's like an animal act or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's, it's, it's. Jack Hanna fucking quit that week. Jack Hanna to start talking about flicking the bean and shit. And Carson Daly just wishes you got a guy like that. Man, Carson Daly, what is his deal?

Why is he still around? Because he's a totally personable dude. I had a deal that if, you know, Jimmy Fallon got the Tonight Show, I got a hundred bucks. Yeah, exactly. Chris Pundo. I mean, he's a personable guy. I guess you can do you can have him interview crowds during New Year's Eve but I don't see it beyond well that show of his wasn't terrible last call because still going on no it ended

finally blissfully but it was a thing like Aaron reruns is all I think well he is such a he's a huge music nerd so when you were on that show it was like him he was interviewing musicians and he knew what he was fucking talking about it's actually interesting because he hosted TRL no it's yeah that's why that's why he's a music guy man He knows his TRL. Yeah. Okay. Total request lies.

Well, Eric, actually, I've made a lot of money. I'm a millionaire. It may not look like that, but if you actually pick up the coins that you see on the subway floor and when you come out of it, if you come up and you collect them, you know, too many people are above it. Too many people are above it. And I do it, and that's how I've made my million, sir. That's why they call it last call is I stayed a bar is the last call. And people are known to overtip at that point. and also fall asleep at the book.

Then I take my cut. Sometimes they leave the register open. Last call. Last call. Do you know what? It's like the lost city of Atlantis. There's just wallets and pieces of plastic and coins and paper everywhere for me. I'm not denying that he's rich. He's obviously rich.

He's been on television for 30 years. They used to call me Carson Cushin because I went around at parties sticking my hands in the couch. treasure trove there's a quarter oh there's some used gum I could reuse some of that FYI if you go if your apartment has a laundry room like mine does you go in there

you start fishing around the lint traps you'll get some quarters also and you might burn your socks Carson party tip when you go back and get to your coat you can fondle in the other coats and see what you find sometimes women leave their purses

those are trevored treasure troves so whatever they go to a hotel bar like after the to your point like he starts asking like Craig Ferguson asks him it's like oh so you know you got this way you obviously like hate being in relationship so what's the name of the woman that screwed you up so bad and then he's like woman more like all of them and I they were mean to me

Well, it's like, oh, yeah, I was in a bunch of core dependent and overly dependent relationships. Yeah. Am I right, folks? He definitely also tosses in that he's dated some depressed women, and that's been a real fucking bummer for him. Well, I mean dating him, come on. Pennywise pops up in the back.

Hi, Gerard. So, yeah, they just sort of like cut out of that scene. They cut to this hotel bar. She's having a mojito. he strolls up, admits right away that he turned down that CBS job. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, don't you think I knew? That's why they send ye.

Well, he says something about like he turned it down because he needs to be with the nephew. With the nephew, yeah. Which is like, just make it the sun, you know? Exactly. Because then it's like you don't want to pull him out of school or whatever changed school. But it's also a thing where it's like, I don't trust me, sister, to raise it without a man around. I actually listen to real talk here. She's got an addiction problem

and I just got to keep an eye on that whole situation. She's really hooked on the oxy. It's a thing like she's a great mother but sometimes she falls off the wagon and someone needs to be there to pick up the pieces. Don't tell the boy this. I own the house. I mean she's like giving him,

like she gets messed up, tries to give him a bath at four o'clock in the morning. And it's not okay. Marn. Sometimes she gets fucked up on pills, and she's sleeping on the bus. They're like, none of this is true. It's just his fucking fantasy. They need to be.

They must. But they start, like, kind of getting in, like, they're, she's like, happy that he's staying. And, like, she's like, hey, let's dance, right? And he's like, okay. And they start, like, no, he is like, let's dance. And she's like, no, I can't dance like that. And he's like, it's okay, because I can. And they start like fuck dancing a little bit.

Oh, big time. This is a big time grade A movie fuck dancing. This is fucking crazy. And by fuck dancing, we're dancing so close because mere minutes later, we will be fucking. Well, and she only really falls in love with him when she finds out he likes tap water. Right. Because that was a thing back from Kevin. The weirdest fucking strain in this entire movie is that she's obsessed with tap water.

Right. So that Kevin Connolly date, like. Like, she was, he beeps hard here. He gets like, oh, no, I'm going to get the bottled water. And she's like, wait, but you know, it's like kind of there's no difference because restaurants have to filter tap water. So it's kind of the same thing. And he's just like, I just like the way bottled water tastes.

Thanks. Thanks, Turtle. Yeah, I like plastic taste. I like plastic taste. Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Yep. Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. I have to leave this date. He's not going to do the movie. I got to, I got to, he's not going to do the movie. I got to go. I got to go. But it's not doing the movie. It's better at Ian.

It's not going to do better Ian. Did you notice the way that this fucking dancing scene is lit by the way? No. It looks like someone was playing way too much with like filters on Instagram. Gerard Butler and her like fucking beat orange. Oh really? It's disgusting. Well, that's because they're horny as hell.

By the way, earlier in the film, there was kind of a physical contact thing we didn't really talk about where she pretends to be a man. and grabs Gerard Butler's behind. Right. And he's just like, I'm a dude. Yeah. And that was kind of a Yeah, a little sexual preludes there.

Right, yeah, a little hint of things to come a little whiff. One thing that bothered me about this whole scene. I mean, he also did buy her a sex toy. So, uh, and they had a threesome with a nine-year-old boy. That's true. And she wanted to put it on immediately.

Sex toy. It's not like he bought her a fucking Kong dong cabin. It was fucking vibrating. That is even worse than a condong. I'm just saying sex toy. It's a sex toy. Toy accessory. It's a sex accessory.

Wearables, dude. It's all wearables. What is this King Kong dong you guys are talking about? Is that something? Just a fucking huge dildo, dude. Oh, is that the brand name? Well, no, it's made by the same company that makes the Kongs for dogs. Oh, con naturals?

They make cardboard cat scratcher. I'm just going to, uh... It's a dildo that your dog can chew on, dude, and they won't chew it to pieces. Right before he asked her to dance, it's like, you know, I'll have a Mahita too. And she's like, okay, cool. The waitress goes, let's go dance.

And they get really steamy dancing. And she's like, we should call it a night. And he's like, and it's not a, not that we should call it. We need to wake up earlier, which is really like, I'm throwing ice water on this sexual situation. The car is going to be here at 8 o'clock to take us to the airport. And like, he's like, all right, fine. But I'm like, well, what about the mohita?

dude. Yeah. Who's paying for any of that? Me being a borderliner, I'm like, well, what about the mojitos? Anyone going to have that or? Well, me being an honest citizen, dude, I'm like, who's paying for those drinks? They left the bar without picking up the 10? You know, some hotel bars will let you bring that mojito on the elevator and drink it on the way up.

Oh, really? Yeah. No, it's more of a beer situation. You could buy beer at the bar and bring out of stairs. Yeah. Good to know. That's why I love vacationing at all inclusives. Dude, you can take alcohol anywhere.

They got a library at that resort. you can fucking drink in it but so they pay this bill I guess and they go in the elevator and like she gets off first and he's like well else gets off yeah well she does she does he's trying to get off oh that's right he's like this is

me yeah and it's like well I'm going to go and she's like well goodbye and they have this like steamy makeouts sash for a couple minutes I think I saw some some tongue here it's not half bad like they don't have chemistry until this scene I feel right well I was okay

with it. Yeah. Let's keep this going. I'll watch it. It's pretty hot. So, like, they make out and she's like, 8 o'clock tomorrow. Airport and he's like, got it. And he leaves. She goes back to her room. She's doing that thing of like, do I

go downstairs? Do I not go downstairs? Right. And this fucking turd who's not a character shows up. Colin and he's like, hey, babe, I came to surprise you in L.A. Right. And it's super awkward because she opens the door thinking it's Gerard Butler. And then it's like, the instant disappointment face when it's this

other hot dude. Well, that's what happens whenever I opened the door is the instant disappointment face. You expect Gerard Butler. Oh, it's just that other hot dude, Steve's No, I see what Steve's saying, though, because every time I've opened the door for the last at least seven years or so, I've been hoping it's Gerard Butler.

Hey, Andrew, I'm here to take you away from all this. Yep. You come on me, motorcycle. Stop doing the podcast with those other fat folks. Let's get out of here. these panties. We're going to go in me private jet where we're watching a standard deaf DVD of P.S.

I love you. Oh my God. Did we do that as a No, we haven't. You're around in your drawers. No, we have not done PSI Love You yet, but we definitely should. That's a fucking weird movie. It is. So, yeah, like, so

this dude, he's like, I wanted to surprise you today. It's our special night. And like, you know, and like, Gerard butler comes back because it's like, I can fucking figure it out, you know? He knocks on the door with his fucking hard on. Exactly. And he doesn't...

It's a cop knock with that dong. He doesn't do the John Travolta thing, which is you're going to go, you're going to say good night, you're going to go home. You're just going to jerk off. Just going to jerk off. That's it, man. That's some sage advice. But he goes upstairs.

He goes upstairs. He sees the guy there. He freaks out. The guy opens the door with his shirt off, which is kind of hilarious and he's like well oh wrong door and like he leaves and she runs after him and she's like hey man you know what's going on he's like oh the plane's leaving early which i'm not even sure if that's true by the way no well he says this to the guy because the guy's like what are you doing here and he's like he's like oh well i just i i came to tell her the flight change to eight yeah that'll do yeah like that's his like bullshit thing and he walks away and when

they have this conversation in the hallway, he has the fucking audacity to like guilt trip or like, nah, it's fine. You work so hard at trying to get this guy. You should just go fuck that guy. Don't worry about little old me. I'll be fine. You know what you should do? Baldest dude's brains out. Just to see what it's like. Yeah, because like, hey, look, you're in this relationship anyway. Like, Gerard Butler's a fucking asshole eight ways from Sunday. Exactly. See what it's like before you break up with, ah, I'll give it one girl. You just fucked that orthopedic surgeon. You saw his dad. You saw his dad. You were apparently impressed with it.

Sure. Let's see it in action. Let's see that fucking gunfire. That just reminded me, by the way, there is some thing. There's some conversation they have. I think it's when they're going to Craig Ferguson. And he's like,

he makes some prediction about, by the way, I put all my money and he's lacking in the package department. She doesn't respond, by the way, I've definitely seen his dick. Like, she makes no mention of that. She's like, oh, well, you shut up about that. I'd be like, no, right there.

Just be like, no, I fucking saw it. the night we met, and it's huge. Exactly. Tree trunk. So then she, like, she and this dude, Colin, like, kind of have it out because he's trying to be romantic, and she comes clean and is like, look, you were just a stupid bet on the vague terms of something I sent with my co-worker. Well, she's like, oh, you're in love with the mic version of me.

Right. And also, the miced-up version. The weirdest part of this entire movie is that she wears extensions for half of it, which makes no sense. And the way that, like, she. reveals that she's like by the way this is how much of a liar I am and she takes these extensions out

as if she's taking off a mask in Scoopy Do you and he's just like what? It's like an inch and a half extension it makes literally no difference in her haircut, her appearance whatsoever. It's so dumb and this guy's like floored he's like I

don't even know you. And they ever bring that up like Mike doesn't bring that. He does like oh your hair is too shut. It's got to be long And she's like, what? It's like, yeah, men need something to hold on to. Oh, man. But do we see her get it?

No, you don't. But that's the thing is it's so inconsequential. You wouldn't know they were there. We do see her get it at the end of the film. We'll get there. So come to find out. She goes back to Sacramento. Come to find out, Mike has accepted an offer from another local affiliate in the area.

So he's staying in Sacramento. but he's leaving the network. Again, this is all just like a weird overnight thing, but we're introduced to his new show, Morning Madness with Mike. Oh, man, and it's just with Mike. And the funny thing, the, Mike, the gag is he goes to his producer. He's like a chubby dude, a Steve Sadek type one might say.

And he's just like, you know what the best thing about you, man is? And he's like, why? It's like, I don't want to fuck ye at all. And I'm like, all right. The guy's like, well, thank goodness for that, sir. Yeah, it should be like, I don't want to work with you. Yeah, exactly. Nothing because you don't want to fuck me because you're bringing it up.

Yeah, what is this sexual talk we're having? Yeah, I already have Lawsuit City. Fantastic. But, and then she, like, is like, I can find another mic. He's a dime a dozen. Right. She winds up as this guy. Earlier in the movie, it's a Deas X balloon festival. Or I'm sorry, it's Chekhov's Balloon Festival because she's like, oh, you know, in a couple of weeks you go to that balloon festival.

to see if men are full of hot air and it's such a good idea both shows go to it dude you're clamoring for the fucking balloon show ratings man are you kidding me she gets like some knockoff Mike and it's this dude that keeps on like I guess he lacks the charm

he says what Mike would say but it sounds evil he keeps advocating openly for date rape is what his dude's Jack Magnum's joke is Mike kind of yeah pretty close But this dude's like, this Jack Magnum's like, yeah, coming to you live, Jack Magnum, I've had sex with over 163 women. And most of them were conscious. Yeah, it's like that. And to this movie's credit, everyone is appalled.

Yeah. The people in the control room are like, oh, do you're like, oh, Duce Jill. She's, Catherine Michael's like freaking out. Gerard Butler had over 200. This is weird. What a loser. This dude playing Jack Magnum looks like if Jim Brewer was a redhead. You see this guy?

Negative side is that Jack Magnum isn't eaten by rabid raccoons. That doesn't happen, sadly. And Mike is there, and like, the guys are like, look, it's your old show. They have you on there. Oh, right. So she fires Magnum immediately. And, like, there's nobody there. And they're like, what are we cut to?

And they keep showing, because they're barely characters. Christine Hines and. Cheryl Hines. And John Michael Higgins. and John Michael Higgins and John Michael Higgins like at the desk like waiting to do something like well we got to keep rolling this fucking balloon festival like cut to anything

else I guess dude it's the Sacramento Balloon Festival it's the biggest event of the year yeah you can't cut away dude you just got to keep it on for the ratings it's the first thing it's the first time in 30 broadcast where they aren't fucking on live air so I just want to look at them now

what you're called Catherine Higle grabs the mic and she's like well you know what Men are scum, and that Mike, whatever his name is, he's a piece of shit, too. And she's, like, going through this whole diatribe. What's hilarious is when she starts doing this, they come back to the control room and Nick Searcy and all these other, like, dudes that are producing the show are like, what is she doing? Yeah. And it's like, well, the same thing as Gerard Butler are just a women's version of it. And also, she's attractive enough to be on television.

You know what I mean? It's not like, what? Gerard Butler, dude, face for mad dog. So, Gerard Butler shows up, but he's like, actually, let me tell ye something. Dude, he fucking steals the mic like we're doing a backstage interview in a pro wrestling event. And much like the end of Police Academy 3,

I believe Citizens on Patrol ends this way. Citizens on Patrol is four, is it not? It is. Which one ends with the hot air balloons? I believe it's three, or maybe it's four. It might be four. It's right there's... Right into the mailbag, if you've watched all the police.

Academy movies recently. Man, I'm trying to think of all those titles, too, right? There's citizens on patrols. It's, you know what? No, it is, it is Police Academy 4 where they like, they make the arrest like midair or whatever. Yes, yes. It's the end of Police Academy 4, which is indeed Citizens on Patrol. Okay. Which also has a very young David Spade. Is three where they introduce Bobcat? Yes, that's Bobcat. It's got to be three, Bobcat begins. Anyway. But so, This movie ends in an air balloon thing

because the air balloon goes off and there's like an air balloon guy and they're still loved up and I guess there's footage of it because like... There's a camera in the balloon. It's attached to the balloon is the idea and then Nick Searcy again from the control room

is like, oh no, they don't know the camera's still rolling. I'm like, you're the producer just cut away, cut the studio, the weather guy, anything. It's too good. A rerun material. Whenever there's Mike on the. screen you got to keep on it and whenever mike's not there everyone's asking where's mike and this is

when they're having their he almost by the way mike almost jumps out yeah yeah almost kills himself to get on this situation uh and like they kind of come to terms right he's like oh you only wanted to fuck that duck dead even though whatever the you know what and like blah blah blah they're going back and forth even though he puts fingers up butts he does call him butt boy at some point It's fucking weird, man. It's weird, his anal stuff. The guy's like, excuse me? Pardon me?

Are we in grade school right now? This sequence and a lot of sequences in this movie remind me of the fake romantic comedy and burn after reading. Yeah, I don't remember that movie. Oh, I don't remember anything about that movie except for the fucking fuck seat. Sounds right to me.

I remember George Clooney builds a fuck seat and I hated that movie. I remember enjoying that movie. I feel like the Cohen brothers, it's hard for them to make a movie that I'm going to outright hate. I got to rewatch that movie, I feel. I feel like I owe it another spin.

I feel like intolerable cruelty is probably the low point. That's another one where I've never been able to get through in here. People should on the lady killers too, which is not their greatest, but I feel like it's kind of funny, sorry. I'm okay with lady killers. I remember liking that movie. That's one I don't want to go back to. I want to keep that in Amber.

Like, oh, I like that movie. And then moved on from it. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, they're in this hot air balloon. He's sort of like accidentally let slip that he loves her. And she's like, wait a second, you love me? And he's like, yeah. And she goes, like, why do you love me?

And he's like, honestly, I don't know. And they keep cutting back to, like, all the people that are barely in this movie, including his sister and the kid. And he's like, wow. And it's like, who are you even? So question, is his career over now? That's a question. Now that he's found love.

Oh, right. Well, we don't really know because we don't get a, like, six months later, which I was shocked at this movie. Instead, we get a. fucking sex scene that we end on this. We get to see Gerard Butler pumping Catherine Hegel. Well, you don't see that. No, you do.

You see him humping. You see them humming. You do. You do not. Under a blanket, you see some stuff there's it. It's audio and they all have orgasms and then we fade in and he gets off of her. Dude, I just watched this this afternoon. I saw her, I saw him going

up and down on her. No, that was just you were accidentally flicking the input on your fucking television to the pornography. No. I guarantee this happened. What fucking cut did you watch? It's not in the movie. It's in the movie. I remember being somewhat raunchier than it needed to be. Yes. There was a legit sex scene in this film.

I think you just put images in your head because you hear it, dude. No, it's there. Let's pull it up. Let's pull it up. Oh, shit. You want to go to Netflix right now? Oh, my God. I remember tuning out immediately. Well, when they pull it up, let's just say it's like, because by the way, they do have something. They have to. It's the law of a screen picture. like this. They have to have some conversation

about faking it, blah, blah, blah. So you hear her have this huge orgasm. But she's not even just having an orgasm. And again, this is Catherine Hegel's movie. It is. It's entirely through and through. And she's like, and she has to be like, oh, Mike, you're the king. You're a god.

And he's like, what are you faking it? Right. And the last line is, you'll never know. Right. Cut to black. Wait, oh, here we go. Eric's blood up. It's buffering. Buffering. What do you got real player on over there? Welcome back to buffering with Eric Sisks. Okay.

It is dark. It's flat. Oh, you're good. Really? Dude, that's totally humping. Oh, wow. It's right on the edge. Because it's black.

You have to really be looking at. on his hump watch watch it's dark but you see his body moved you saw his body move up and down back into the left it was like one one hump it's very dark but there is definitely the shet you see the shit you see that back into the left i think there's a second fucker dude no but seriously like wait what's that guy with the umbrella doing i wait hold on no i all right because this is what i kind of remember, yeah, it is a bit graphic. I do agree. Oh, you're good.

Why are you pointing at me? Yeah, the light is on now. You saw by the window? By the window. The book depository. No, but seriously. Dude, something is happening in the Netflix office right now. They're like, someone's fucking rewind in the last three seconds of the ugly truth.

Well, they put a 10 second rewind button. Not me. Oh, you're good. All right. So I think we both are right. I'm going to call it a draw. If anyone, you know what? Maybe we'll put up a poll on Facebook.

Who is right, Eric or Andrew? And we'll see what happened. No, I don't need to hear you're a guard. One more time. No, but, like, you definitely, he's covered in a blanket. He's on top of her. He does get off of her, but I feel like there's definitely a thrust. There's at least one thrust.

I'll give you one thrust. I'll give you a thrust. But, like, again, it's her movie. it shouldn't like I don't know it's a weird ending to it well it's a weird like it's ending with like she does a thing that he taught him

because she's like because I don't remember exactly what the conversations they have earlier in the film but it's about like why would you fake like what's the advantage of faking it blah blah blah blah blah blah and he has to like explain it to her so then it's like see you taught me good wink end of movie

end of movie yeah I agree it should be like six months later where it's like Mike like, it's the ugly truth featuring me girlfriend. Right, or they have some like Loveline-esque program that they host together or something. Also, right after that they, you know,

he's like, oh, did you fake the orgasm? Yeah. Yeah, we just said it. Oh, we did? Yeah. Oh, I was thinking. You were busy putting the research away. Yeah. Okay. I'm watching it a few more times. He's also hilariously like 300-esque sweaty. Yeah.

At the end of this fucking, by the way. Oh, and what it is, though, it's oh you'll never know and then she fucking jumps on top of them and turns the light off on the end table and when she turns the light back off boom that's like the end of the movie

the lights go out on the movie and there's probably more humping yeah oh they're definitely they're both ready to go well because she did an orgasm I mean like she's like I don't know I'm not I'm kidding but you have to like you gotta we gotta figure something out here

I'm not go to bed like this yeah that counts as a sex scene I wasn't saying it was in a sex scene. You said I was fucking crazy. Well, you were fucking crazy because you're describing it like you were watching softcore pornography. To me, that is pornography. Jesus Christ.

How can someone so disgusting be such a prude? It somehow happened. Blissfully, that is the end of this movie. 96 minutes too long. My parents call me a prude, by the way. Really? Not even joking. That's got a mess up.

My mother has said that I'm repressed. You were like the head, none, and doubt level? I'd say. Steve Sadek, would you recommend this movie? No, I wouldn't recommend that. I think it's not, you know, it needs something else. It needs, like, like, populate this with comedic actors. Like, usually these movies, like, yeah, you have your two sort of wooden-ish,

like, romantic comedy leads. There's other people around there. Exactly, but there's not. Like, you got Nate Cordry is, like, the top of the top, and he's got, like, maybe one and a half line. you bet Nicole Brown who are both very funny even like Craig Ferguson who's a really funny guy doesn't even have funny scene in this movie

it should be like a funny and if you're such fucking pals yeah right with Gerard Butler do a thing where like he's playing Craig Ferguson in the movie like but it's like a version of himself or something dick or something make him like a little like that's a little more

Apatow ask also you know it's just it's not I say no oh yeah don't watch this movie it's most of Robert Luchatik other than legally blonde most of Robert Lukatic stuff is definitely episodes I hate this movie I

Gerard Butler as a romantic lead is just it's not working those are weird movies when you have to have them in these roles similarly with PS I Love You which is even more of like a like a serious like drama he's like a ghost in that right it's like he's dead but I left you all these

clues and at the end of the treasure hunt I say get on with your life loser. Haunting Hillary Swank. You know, I just realized he doesn't break a single neck in this movie. I don't like that. I don't like that either. Maybe that's a deleted scene with Nate Cordy

that's not why he's not in the rest of the film. He's like, Oh, no, I killed him. You were spying on me in the bathroom. Better break your neck. We never see Gerard Butler's apartment. Presumably there's a tub with lie and human carcasses

in it. but I'm not going to recommend this because it's a, it's just a bad pairing, it's a bad movie, it's bad, there's everything about it is bad. Also, you're setting it in Sacramento, and I don't get to see Sacramento, where's Old Sack at? Old Sack? Old Sack, dude. It's like an old Western kind of area, touristy area. Sacramento is a pretty nice town.

My cat's from there. Oh, nice. Yeah. No, I wouldn't recommend. in this movie at all. I'd recommend another movie where it's two people hate each other and they're tasked with spending time

together and that's Frank Capra's It Happened one night. With Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert from 1934. There's a big sex scene at the end of that. Oh dude, yeah, he's rale in her. It's crazy. More thrust that you could shake a stick at that night. The vibrating panties

were a bit much. Especially because they were a gramophone base. If you see the light through the windows, then you can see the thrusting. That's when you see the thrust. It happened one night is a legitimate classic film. It's also like it's pushing on, you know, soon it will be 100 years old, you know, sooner than it, you know, won't be 100 years old. And I will say, I watched it a few years ago. It is so fucking hysterical.

There are like laugh out loud moments of comedy in that movie, unlike the ugly truth. I will say, by the way. Stay tuned for more Gerard Butler because that fucking third angel movie is coming out there or has fallen movies coming out of show. We didn't even do London yet, so. No, didn't we do an episode on London? No, we only did the first one.

We did Olympus. Do you mean I just watched that movie for no reason? I watched it with you for no reason. Yeah, wow, we waste time together. Well, maybe someday because this one looks like it's going to be terrible too. But this is like Morgan Freeman's now the president. Like someone tries to kill him.

By the way, this podcast is a professional waste of time. Well, he has to go up about a fame, notorious, evil nobody. What's his name there? Don, Dan Rickles? Domimici. No, no, no, shit. Dan Hadea. No, no, no.

Fuck. Gerard. Get into play. Danny Houston. Oh, right. He's a nobody. Of course. I love Danny Houston.

He's vapor to me. He just disappeared. Their existence. Well, I guess we'll see if that's an episode. But that is The Ugly Truth from 2009, directed, like we said, by Robert Lukatic. Watch his movie legally blonde, actually. It's a legit, good movie that he made. But that is it for this.

However, I will say the summer blockbuster extravaganza, such as it is, rolls on next week. Steve, what are we talking about? Oh, my God, the world might end when it should have in 2012. It would have been great to be dead by now. So, yeah, that's going to be the next week. But also on Patreon this month is Forest Gump. Oh, right. Forest Gump.

That's right. Maybe a nostalgia buster for you. Maybe a boomer buster. Maybe. It's a controversial pick. And it's okay to like it. But please check it out on Patreon. That is right.

And for more We Hate Movies, go over to that Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. The content that we've mentioned, plus so much more. So until next week, when John Cusack doesn't prevent the world from ending, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Cid, actress, Cabin. Eric Sisko. Take it easy.