We Hate Movies - S9 Ep432: Episode 432 - 2012

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

On this week's episode, the 2019 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza heads to Disasterville as the guys trash the totally ridiculous Roland Emmerich-helmed, end of the world joint, 2012! Why did we have to suffer those two jazz musician characters? What's with so many people in this film dying over the phone? And did President Danny Glover deserve such an over-the-top death? PLUS: What would you eat when you were told the world was coming to an end? Because 50% of this show's cast is turning to cannibalism right quick! 2012 stars John Cusack, Danny Glover, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, Tom McCarthy, and Woody Harrelson; directed by Roland Emmerich. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On this week's episode, wait, how long is this movie? It's 2012. I'm Andrew Jupin. Guy Fieti's Smoldering Corpse. What? That's you? I mean, it makes sense. Chris Cabin. I'm Eric Sisker. And we hate movies. Not good. This is not good. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you are new to this fine program, this is a comedy show where we kind of talk about a movie sometimes and make fun of it.

and sometimes make fun of other stuff, including ourselves, celebrities. Did you catch that joke at the top? What was that? My question, do you think Guy Fietti made it on the ark or no? Absolutely not. No, so he's a smoldering corp. No, he's like 20,000 leagues below the sea. Yeah, he's cooking up some octopus.

His fried lobster cruise? It's fried lobster ravioli cruise. We're rolling out to the hollowed earth. We're somehow surviving this tragedy. This is 2012 from the year 2009. What? Directed by Roland Emrick

King of the summer blockbusters, this guy. That's right. We also just did Independence Day as a commentary, a singable commentary that's available on Patreon, only on Patreon. Only at the $8 level on patreon.com slash we hate movies.

And I will say, Independence Day? Oh, you better believe this is a better movie. It's only like 10 minutes longer, though. Both those movies are incredible. incredibly long. Yeah, but one Oh, yes. One, you don't feel as much. I mean, this was rough and to give you an idea my

day, been busy around the homestead, didn't have a chance to sit down and watch this until this morning. When I woke up before work at 5.30, to watch all two hours and 38 minutes of this movie. People have once criticized

me for watching a movie at 9 a.m. with coffee. Mr. 530. That is insane. Did you stay up all night? No, dude. Well, I was getting the Independence Day commentary out for one. And when that fucker launched, it was 11 p.m. And I thought three-hour movie at 11 p.m. I don't think so.

Well, what did the rooster think of it? The rooster that watched it with you? Oh, the rooster didn't care for it too much. He kept pecking the couch. This is also, of course, yet another entry in our summer blockbuster extravaganza. This one did come out in the summertime. I did see this in the theaters, by the way. Anybody else rolling on that?

No. First and only. Oh, really? I think I did see it in the theater. I think I saw it. The Kauffman Astoria. Yes, so did I, baby. Where's movie theater in New York City?

It's still pretty bad. I went back there recently. Get out of town. What did you see? Godzilla, the king of the monsters. Oh, yeah. They leave the lights on for 45 minutes. No, but it was one of the first...

Toilet overflow into the theater? No, they just randomly were like, I need to search your entire bag right here. Get out of town. They do do that now, yeah. I saw Serenity there. Searching for a fucking better movie theater inside that bag or what?

Oh, you got five screens in here. Oh, not too bad. Luckily, I visited the dealer after the movie. Jokes on you. Although you would need it for Godzilla. Yeah, sir, we can't allow you into this theater without some sort of drug.

Sidebar on Godzilla, I kind of enjoyed that. I did kind of enjoy it as well. I liked it, yeah. It's a super kind of okay. I will be getting stone to that 4K Blu-ray. Don't worry about it. Well, that's just my point. You need you need the drugs.

All that's, for every. For every movie, that's for every waking moment on this hellscape planet that should have ended in 2012. Great quote. Great segue. Absolutely. Because this is based upon the Mayan prophecy that the Earth should have ended in 2012. We had a couple of people that thought that that was going to happen. It did not. Including that guy, he rented that van outside the garden for a year and a half. You mean Charlie the Picklemaker? Was that him?

I don't know. Oh. Didn't Andre the Giant? Not, I'm sorry, Macho. I did not have an opinion either way. The Mayans were right. I think the world for him ended in 1989. What did he crook? Nobody's coming with me.

The Mayon calendar predicted my dad on a toilet seat. Oh, did he Elvis out, dude? He's a toilet guy, no? See, because when films... Aren't we all toilet guys? When a film, you know, closes its... iris there. You're an iris out. Yeah. But I forgot where it was a toilet

out. What was I saying? Oh, Elvis out. If you die in the toilet, you Elvis out. Okay. That was the bad joke. This in from the internet ticker that he died in 1993. On a toilet or not? Oh shit. Wait, let me go to that subsection. Subsection location of death and sitting

position. I am TB. Internet toilet database. He died in his sleep of congestive heartfish. Jesus, that'll get you. No, Paris hotel hotel room and he was found by his chauffeur. Bloody dark, Mr. Frenchman. Now Eric has resentments against the dead. Of course I do.

All these goddamn royals. I will be going out in style. I'll get a wake-up call from my chauffeur. No, I was thinking of Randy Savage. Didn't he die during some fake apocalypse? Around then. Yes, he was supposed to... Really? He did not make it through the 20.

He died like right before. Oh, yeah. I'm catching the hill. pop coming. I think it was your classic heart attack segue into crashing a truck into a tree. See you all there, fuckers. Randy Savage died

May 20th, 2011. That crooked preacher is right. We're all going down. Steve, I remember what you're talking about, though. It wasn't the 2012 prophecy, but it was another some horse shit. It was a crooked preacher that was talking about it.

Something was going to happen because it was the, if you recall, we were in the great city of Chicago, at a friend's bachelor party and it was the trifecta of the world was supposed to end this wild bachelor party and then fucking bone saws ready did did heaven's gate come back

did they try to come back I don't think they came back to you that's not what it was what came back for him was a heart attack yeah so yeah I mean that's basically what this movie's about holy shit he also during the heart attack tried to eat a sling him

no he was driving he's driving under the giant He was driving his Jeep Wrangler and crashed into a tree. I said that. Oh, cool. I was reading Wikipedia. Well, just be present, man. We're all here together.

Hey, guess what? Maturedman Randi Savage is the goat of Andre the giant. You're my chauffeur now. You drive me after life. You drive me around hell for all eternity. Oh, no. It's going to all the cool places. Hell.

Oh, yeah, dude, they don't have to even wait in any velvet rope line. They get right in. Listen. The big man doesn't wait behind any velvet rope yields above. We got to get in this club, brother.

So you like slim jims, huh? Have all the slim jimms you want. Ooh, that's too much snap. This movie, Andre, the Giant podcast.

No, no, no. No, I'm saying the movie we're making up right here of Randy Savage and Andre the Giant in Hell as best friends. That's a documentary, true life. I'm just saying better movie than 2012. Of course. Also, that's a tight 90, by the way. That's a tight 90. You better believe it.

Put almost anything in there. 2012 is about the bottom of the barrel for me for the length and what it's trying to do both. It's so obnoxious. It's just, I mean, so it's really, it's the end of the world. It's about John Cusack and his beloved white family trying to get through the end of the end of the. the world. Right. And other characters are sort of around, but it's mostly their story. Not just other characters, though, an army of other characters. And what this movie does, it's like, we set up like 30 characters and then it's like, oh, wait a second, the screenplay's

decided, we kind of only want five to six of them to matter by the end of the movie. So we better get, kill it. I kind of think it's a split between John Cusack and Chuedelagio-4. I think it's their movie. Yeah, that's fair. But Chedwell, he disappears for long stretches. I guess so. He starts when the movie starts, I'm like, oh, cool, it's a Chadio Lodger for a movie. I'm into this.

And then he's just gone. And the beef also is he doesn't get any real, like, action scenes. No, that's all on the QSack side of things. Yeah. That's, yeah, that's a bigger thing. He's just the guy in offices and in labs and in the White House. And I think he's got as much screen time as Gordon the Stepdad. Oh, dude. Oh, Tom McCarthy. Yeah. Director of Spotlight.

Tom McCarthy? Oh, yeah. We start with Charterwellager 4. He goes to India visiting his friend and he does this thing that certain people do, like he meets his friend and he's like, oh your child, I can't believe he's so big. And then he goes about his wife, he's like, man, she gets more beautiful

every time I think. I'm like, the fuck do you say to me? Absolutely. It's just not I mean, not that I'm a jealous dude or anything, but like it's just a weird move to pull with a friend. Like just keep your fucking opinions to yourself about how my wife thinks you're fucking weirdo. God damn, look. Oh my fucking God, would you look at, does she wear underwear?

Holy fucking shit. It's a weird move, man. He's just like, wow, she really got a body back after that kid. Oh, yeah. She would tell her, we're being a creep. And you have to also tee up the fucking, oh, I made you your favorite, the fish curry you love. It's like, is the fish curry still as shitty as I remember? Yep.

Yeah, because he's like, she's like, oh, we're just normal friends. And like, the guy's like, no, that guy's not your friend. You should hear the way you fucking talks about you. Like, you don't even make it, don't even, by the way, don't even make him that fish curry next time? A, he hates it for no reason, and B, he has to, he has the nerve to tell me how bad it is. Oh, oh, he hates it for no reason, because it's delicious. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, well, Larry, or did you this drink while you were in the bathroom?

Oh, you know what, I'll buy you a new drink, a new drink for everybody. Everybody gets a new drink. I would like to point out, before we get any farther into this monstrosity of a film. Sure. The summary on Amazon, and I'm looking at you, Bezos, I know you had your fingers in this pie right in this thing. No summary leaves Bezos's desk. No, no summary goes on before Bezos looks at it. He writes each and everyone. Every last one, dude. He approves every Blu-ray I buy while I'm high. It refers to this movie, like categorizes this movie as a thrill ride.

No. Wait a second, though. A thrill ride of human survive. No. Can you imagine writing that? I would accept epic. I might just accept that, but that's about it. Because of the length alone, you're looking at a fucking Cecil B. DeMille picture here. There is a thrill ride in terms of the limo while L.A. is falling apart, which is probably the only good part of the movie. I think the CGI actually is pretty decent in this movie. Yeah, I agree with that. During that sequence, yes, I'll agree with you. There's stuff later on that's clunky as shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I would say, If you're going to, we're not recommending it yet, but if you're going to watch any of this, maybe the first 30, 40 minutes tops. And then you're fine to turn it off. And we also get a little bit of the sun farting

at the beginning of this movie. They're showing like a bunch of planets. It's kind of like the intro to TNG, like we passed by Saturn and whatnot. And I'm expecting Jean-Luc Picard, and then it's just the sun like, and little like sun flares are happening. Yeah, there's like sun eruptions that are,

now you guys, correct me. You guys are like science guys. Smart, smart guys here. Solar eruptions. Smart guys over here. So there, it's also like there's like a sun particle in the core of the earth that is now heating up the earth from the inside. Neutrinos we call them. See, I knew it's smart guys here.

Those neutrinos were told they're being mutated into a new form of nuclear energy. Four giant turtles. And it's making it so you can boil a lobster in the middle of the earth. Because what happens is he takes them down? that anyway? I'm not sure. I think it's mostly dry down there. It's hollow, dude. That's where the mole people live. Right, but it's supposed to be like 9,000

degrees down there. That's what I've heard. Well, they go to... The previous episode, The Corps. I forget his name in this. I'll pull it up. It's like Gary or something. His friend brings him down to like a secret lab at the like core of the earth almost.

I was laughing dude because this guy's like his scientist buddy's telling him the history of this mine or whatever and it used to be some like big indian copper mine or some shit and all i could think about was batman begins why when they're going down into the cave and he's giving up the history of oh yeah this used to be where the underground railroad came through it's a similar looking elevator yeah it's kind of true well he also is like oh it's like a million it's really really hot down there but he doesn't tell chit too well i julya before to think it's jacket off like dude take that jacket off you don't want to leave a jacket or out of mine dude

someone's gonna take it yeah well adrian isn't talking about how like Like, he was on the, his family has been on the right side of history for every fucking year, every century before this, on his way down there, the way fucking goddamn wanes were. Yeah. So he takes him down there and he's like, oh, you know, you're catching it on a cool day. Generally, it's like 100 or 200 degrees down here, whatever it is. Yeah, and he opens it. He opens this little container that's got all those burl and water in there, dude. Yeah.

Which I think that's like even further down. is the idea. And he runs back to America to tell Oliver Platt of all people at a party. Oliver Platt playing D.C. Scum. The chief of staff. Drain the swamp. Carl Anheiser.

That's right. I just kept on. Where's Bush? Where's the other buddy? Right. Anheiser and Bush. Yeah, I mean, this movie came out in 2009, so Bush just left office. So while it was scripting. Yeah, no, I remember.

Yeah. It's a different spell as maybe. there was a there's an h in the beer company but wouldn't it be funny if oliver platt as anheiser had a little comedy routine with george w bush well i wouldn't put it past uh what's his face roland emick for doing shit like that he's the creator of such hilarious gags as mayor ebert uh in godzilla a previous episode and then also in this movie with the fucking arnold schwarzenegger governor happening so this guy likes funny shit dude i think dean devlin's out on this one though no dean devlin maybe dean

Devlin was what you needed. Yeah, I think you needed to some Dean Devlin. Dean Devlin brought in the love the good idea. It's like Bruckheimer in Bay, dude. Did Devlin come back for Independence Day resurgence? Because that was good, awful. Yeah, he might have actually. I don't know. No, really? What did Emmerick do before this?

Your mom? That BC move? Nice, dude. Whoa! Yeah! The bad boys of podcasting are back. Uh, Dean Devlin, let's see. no oh you know what in 2009 he was busy getting a story credit on universal soldier regeneration

oh nice too busy counting his money although he was a producer on independence day resurgence which is probably just an in name only and geostorm he was also listed as a producer geostorm i have not oh no i did see it we did an episode on that oh because he directed it he wrote it yeah he wrote it and directed it i think i'm confusing this movie with geostorm It's kind of just the same thing. Geostorm's probably better. Much better. Definitely better.

I think so, because that movie's just about crooked satellites manipulating the weather on the earth. And I hate to bring it up again. It's not two and a half hours. This movie's damn near 240. We're like end gaming a little bit. It's 238. That's a clean 240 as far as I'm concerned.

To answer a question earlier, Chris, Roland Emmerich, did Independence Day resurgence, yikes, Stonewall, much of fame. Nobody missed them terrible. People threw stones at that movie. And then White House down in 2013. Right.

Anonymous, the William Shakespeare is a faker. That's a fucking faker. Yeah. And then right before 2012, he directed 10,000 BC. Oh, that's a book you nobody saw. No, I didn't see that. Before that, the day after. He was really hit nothing at this point.

Yeah. Day after tomorrow, obviously. Day after tomorrow, the Patriot Godzilla 98. We've done a ton of his movies on this show. And we're not. done yet it's it's it's a treasure trope yeah pretty much so uh he goes to oliver platt it's one of those classic like oliver platt's like being a hot shot and like you won't listen to him and he like yells at him in the party and the party stops dead it's after oliver platt well he gives

oliver platt uh like the report and he's like you need to read it and uh he he's trying to like cover up for the fact that like he just got yelled at in public yeah he's like what is it a national geology crisis and then all these yes men around Oliver Platter, like heart, hot, hot, dot, hot, the fucking, they're laughing their balls off at this comment.

God, you know, I don't get that much geology humor where I work. Thank you, sir. Thank you. He's on fire tonight. And then he reads the report and it's kind of just a quick like, oh my God. And then we flash forward to the

next year. This movie starts in 2009. Yeah. It immediately goes to 2010. We're at the G8 Summit in Canada, where we are introduced to President Danny Glover. Fucking all righty then. Well, it's great. Now we're talking. He says, could everyone please leave their translators outside the room?

And everyone's like, well, what? He's like, no, no, trust me, you'll be okay. It's going to be fine. I think it's like, the chancellor of Germany is like, VAT. And then he's like, trust me, your little grasp of English will be enough to understand what I'm about to tell you. Everyone leave. I just need me and Putin for a little while.

No, no, no. Just bring your translators into this little room with all these guys and masks and guns. All right, now it's just the five of us. Who wants to get it wet? And it's just an original. A presidential origin. You got a sex

angel with you. I'm a switch. How about you, people? Oh, yeah, dude. And it's kind of amazing. how long this movie takes to set up, like, the event. Because then we drop in briefly on Tibet, where there's some, uh, a relocation program happening. And, like, the Chinese government's recruiting all these people and you don't really

know what's going on. And the movie's like, well, we'll get back to that later. Like someone's like, uh, the, like the guy says something like, oh, uh, anybody here know how to weld? And it's like one dude in this huge crowd raises his hand and like, all right, get on the back of this truck. We're going to drive up into the mountains now. Now, by the way, say goodbye to your family forever.

And it's like 17 minutes and we finally meet John Cusack. He's doing the, I'm the guy that oversleaps thing. Yeah. That's a very tired way to introduce a character. That is in the year 2012. He's a failed novelist named Jackson Curtis. Yeah, that's why it's bad. You're just reversing 50 cents name.

Oh, right. When you wrote this fucking screenplay, dude, are you kidding? And he wrote some book about like survival. of the human species. It sounds very Elron Hubbard because he's like a failed novelist. That's now going to become we'll see a prophet

of humanity and this book. And he's a prophet of humanity on a boat, not for nothing. Yeah. And this... The org. This book is one of the last books ever saved of humanity.

I know, man. Take that Huck Finn, you fucking idiot. Just all of it, dude. It's all garbage. Nathaniel Hawthorne eat shit. When the seas rise that much, you can't mark that twain. Wasn't that, Samuel Clemens named himself after some measure?

Yeah, the Mark Twain. An idiot. No, we didn't bring any Shakespeare, but we do have the Twilight books. Yeah, exactly. My dad was really into this failed 70s fucking sci-fi novelist. It's better than that whole Shakespeare nonsense. Now it's the only literature on that. the planet. Also,

really quickly in 2011. I only have a disc 2 of the Sopranos Season 4, so that's all that show is. Sorry. Oh, this is, why does everybody love this? This is not that good. You would still love it, but you wouldn't have any idea what's going on.

Just really quickly, in 2011, we hopped to London really quickly to see basically MBS himself of Saudi Arabia, paying a billion dollars for something. Yeah. And then also in Paris. A billion euros by the way, which is... This is just them getting their finances for this movie together. Yeah. I think this is how this movie came together, including swapping out the Mona Lisa right here. So, oh, the fucking swapping out, who could care? It's, it's, it's, Danny Newton, who we will find out later is the president's daughter. That's right. And the dude from the profiler and Carnival. Oh, right. He's like, what was he like, the professor on Carnival?

He was blind on that show. You know what he is? He's the guy from the five obstructions. Yes, he's the guy from the five obstructions who is also, if I'm remembering correctly, previous episode, he's not the wrath. What the fuck is that movie? Oh, the rapture. The rapture. He's in the rapture. Remember, they're having the fucking sex games?

He's one of the fuck warriors from the rapture. So, yeah, this dude's like, oh yes, look what we're going to do here. We're swapping out the Mona Lisa. No one will know. the difference. It's like you need an infrared camera or something. We cut to the rest of that guy's story is he gets assassinated

in the same tunnel that Princess Dye gets killed. Weird detail movie. Yep, I don't need that. I really do not need that. What the fuck movie were we talking about recently where they're showing the footage of the Diana car accident? We just think that's a punchline, man. It is pretty funny. I mean, it is fairly

funny, but it's an awkward thing to bring up out of nowhere. It's just really weird. And I guess the only thing to about it within the confines of the screenplays, you know a fucking shitty newscaster do that same thing. Yeah, I guess that's true. So there is that. But it's still just weird to reference. It's the second or third line of the report.

You would go like, fun fact. Well, I think it is a BBC World Report, dude. So, you know, they're constantly bringing that. I just don't need the fucking art saving angle. Yes. I don't need the fucking two of every animal. What are we even doing? I don't need the John Cusack angle.

First of all, I'm really honest. And the world. I'm not even sure it's true of every animal. At the end, it's a lot of giraffes. It's like 50 giraffes on that fucking boat. It's a shit ton of giraffes and then like one elephant that's like, what am I going to do with all these giraffes?

And it will truly be a world of giraff. See, and that's the thing because you're saying you don't need the John Cusack movie. You don't need the fucking Parisian art dealer movie. I want the Woody Harrelson in the fucking woods crazy guy. That's all I want. Yeah, I kind of agree with that. So Cusack, he's fallen asleep.

I slept in, reading Moby Dick, by the way. Been there. Dick move. And he's late to pick up his two kids, the deadbeat dad that he is, to take them on a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park. Hashtag junk bonds, to quote, hook. That's right. Well, at least Robin Williams was fucking employed in that movie. That's actually true. They weren't yet divorced.

Yeah, no, but you know it was fucking going right for the D-Town, dude, absolutely. Oh, we're forgetting the jazz boys. The jazz boys? Oh, yes. Oh, my, my, fucking God. Why even? Why even have it? That's so great. The studio just exploded.

Everybody was like coming and throwing up. Oh, I'm coming. Well, because Peter Segal and I don't know who the other guy is. George Segal. George Segal. George Segal. Just shoot me. Yes.

And I don't know who the other guy is who's playing Chidewell Edge of For his father. Father, right. Oh, yeah, this dude's been in a bunch of stuff, but I can't recall. They are like a Blues Brothers team that go to different cruise shoots. It's kind of weird. it's jazz. You know who he is? He's the evil head of the tower in

the evil elevator episode of the X-Files. He's the guy at the end who's like, who plugs it back in. Yeah, totally. The actor's name is Blue Mancuma, by the way. But it's one of those things where like when this movie starts, because you don't know who Danny Newton is, you don't know

really who this guy is. Oh, wow, this is a pretty diverse cast. But then everyone winds up being related to each other. It's kind of, like, what winds up happening either, like, related or friends. And it's like a fucking In Your Reto film, man. I thought I was watching Babel meets the end of the world. We're not that long after Crash. This is essentially Crash as a Roland Emric movie.

Kind of a little bit. Oh, God, that's... So, yeah, John Cusack, he picks up his kids. You know, there's this thing, you know, a lot of shit. His daughter is wetting the bed, which is not a detail that needs to be in this movie. No, it doesn't. And I don't also don't... I don't really need him as a limo driver.

Yeah. Only because he's the limo driver of the Russian oligarch Who also becomes a huge character in the movie Again, connecting people for no reason There, but like the failed novelist That's almost enough for me I know then he has to drive a car for money Yeah, well it's an excuse to dress on like a reservoir dog

This whole fucking movie But it also doesn't make sense Because like what kind of pickup does a limo have Yeah Like this end time It's bad you can't turn well Yeah, I don't understand how they would survive this. Because I think the idea is like, oh, we're going to have this, like, chase scene where he's, like, racing against the road falling apart.

How much cooler would it be if he did it in a limo right in the middle of L.A.? I guess not very. No, but I think, like, if this chase scene was happening anywhere else, he wouldn't be a limo driver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's very specifically, like, oh, how hilarious is this. He's driving through fucking L.A. in a limo, but the world's ending. To your diaper thing, Eric. I think that stinks of product placement and weird product placement.

Diper stinks. Yeah. I think what that move is, Cabin, because I think you're totally right. I think what it might be is a different kind of turn for product placement, which is... Turd for product placement. You are the parent that needed so desperately to get out of the house opening weekend and go see 2012. And then it's a little reminder like, ding, ding, you got kids at home that might need diapers. Better stock up at the store before you come home for the babysitter.

shit oh shit the diaper the shit yeah get the diaper on the way home because the kid shit because the shit's kid shit because that's what they do yeah so like Tom McCart it's Amanda Pete

who's been in a shocking amount of movies with John Cusack quite a bit I meant to look that up actually and didn't but you got a tally at any kind it's like two others it's like it's that horrific stay tuned identity oh right

they're kind of flirting in that movie Wait, is she in a runaway jury? No, maybe. She must love dogs? Oh, does she love dogs? She might be one of the dog lovers. No, must love dogs was what's her face? Diane Lane's the main, but I don't know if she's like a secondary.

Oh, I actually never saw that movie. This identity. Oh, fuck, Martian child. Oh, dear. That's the trifecta. That's what you got. They're the Spencer and Tracy of shit, man. That's their before trilogy.

I think you've been Tracy and Hepburn. Spencer Tracy was one person He was also in shooting movies And I was thinking about identity and everybody being multiple different people Oh yes of course Total sense I wasn't just being an idiot And so

He takes them off By the way the kid the boy It's Noah and Lily Are the kids Noah Really likes the step but that a lot Big time When this world is ending He's going to be saying no

Ah Quite a bit Yeah he's Noah's Ark guys That's brilliant I wish everyone I could have seen Andrew's face When I said no

Ah My face must have contorted To look exactly like Walter Mathel It kind of did In this movie He is texting privately With this dad In the middle of the night

I think he got him That cell phone by the way Hey buddy You're going off You know into the woods here With your fucking loser five here's this burner phone you can get at me 24 hours a day

don't even worry about it he even texts it which made me LOLL at this movie he like Q's actually like hey man no no cell phones after dark or something he grabs it and he looks at it he sees that he's texting the stepfather and he's texting him camping

sucks what's great is that's a kick in the bread basket man it absolutely is that is just a kick in the bread basket but he starts the text he goes hey Gordon camping sucks and then it's like angry emoji face

if I was John Cusack and I find my kid is texting his fucking stepfather at 10 p.m. at night I'm happy to see the capping I don't want to see the other stuff that's the only thing you hope sucks in those texts my friend

let me see what these there's about 20 voicemails from Gordon what the fuck is it the stepdad or is it just mom's boyfriend by the way no the stepdad is I think they're married Hey, no, I'm going to buy you a fax machine Just leave it that alone Enjoy camping, little one

Check out that camera roll Before you give that phone Yeah, Mike Juana So we're told that Chiaotel Ejifor His character was wrong About the timeline And I guess he was

Yeah, no, total idiot right here Miscalculation He thought it was like I want to know what the original thing was Like, ah, we got like 50 years to figure this out And it's like, oh, you have a few weeks? No, it was a summer December slip-up.

It was like basically when, you know, they were going to release Brahms 2, The Boy. Oh, right. And the long-awaited sequel. Or Brahms, the Boy, too. They were going to release that in July, but that movie wasn't made yet. Right.

So we'll just push it, kick it down the road to December. So is that about a composer? No, the boy. I think he's inspired by. Oh, yeah. So, no, the boy was a movie. Uh-huh. That nobody saw.

Steve and I were the only two people that saw that. Oh, the you saw it. And it was about a little doll. A little doll named Snuggles. No, a little boy. Wait, no, but I thought it's a doll. It's a thing where... It becomes a real boy?

No, Lauren Cohen from Walking Dead is hired to come to this house to be a nanny. And it's sort of like invisible child because they're like, now meet our son, Brahms. And it's a fucking doll. And she's like, uh, and the dad or the husband is to be like, listen, she's fucking crazy. just go with it so she does this and then the movie is like oh are there you know is Brahms coming to life

what's going on here all this weird shit's happening and then spoiler alert for the boy by the way it turns out there's this fucking ape man hiding in the walls of this house who's like their fucking deformed fish head eating son or some shit who is like running around doing shit

and like with the doll with the doll like he'll move it around yeah it's like moving it around like harassing this woman And then, like, the last five minutes of the movie, he's like, Hey, does anybody want some pizza? Andre the Giant was in it? Yeah, well, it's just this fucking big tall. It's me, Brab the boy.

So now there's a sequel coming out? Yes, I guess that guy's getting up to more trouble, I would imagine. But what's so dumb, though, is, like, the whole thing of that first movie is, like, whether or not this doll is coming to life. And you're like, okay, I guess that's a thing. But when it's the twist of the movie, that's it. Now it's just a movie about this fucking big giant guy. Or maybe

in the sequel now the doll actually comes to life and has to fight the giant. Oh, maybe. Here's what it is. Do you. Oh, shit, this thing's kind of creeper me out right now. Brahms, the big giant guy, is running through the streets of Chicago because the detective is chasing him. And he runs into a toy store and he gets shot.

And he does a fucking voodoo curse. Oh, Domamu, I beg of you. Oh, no, it's damn bell. Tor mamu. Don't Mamu, I've come to negotiate All right, hold on What we were getting at was So this is a six month window

He was supposed to happen in December It's happening six months earlier And that fucks up I guess everything They were really just waiting for December first To roll out all these arcs And everything else Yeah

Because it's like oh we're all fucked now dude So yeah And like Danny Glover They were like hey Danny Glover Do you want to do that meeting Where you tell the world that it's ending And it's like Maybe like after Thanksgiving

Let's give it I want everyone to have one last good Thanksgiving. Look, we had the first Thanksgiving, and we're going to let them have the last Thanksgiving. Look, don't worry about the mini quakes that keep happening every day, it seems like. Right. There's all these splits in the earth that, like, people have to jump over and eventually it cuts through a supermarket. I think this is, like, during the events of camping. Yes. Well, the end of the Macy's Day parade was going to be. Santa Claus and he does the wave

and then behind him is the president of the United States of America and they're like well that's weird it's like hello everyone thank you all for joining me at the Macy's Day parade by the way the world is ending good night everyone so you don't have to buy shit tomorrow

by the way I mean you're not going to make it to Christmas Black Friday is cancelled by the way thanks to Macy's for letting me do this I've always wanted to do something like this oh and by the way here's the cast of wait to dance my aren't they talented i've got a pie and i'm throwing it around that's a very good musical by the i have not seen um yeah there's a weird thing so this is like around the time when tany newton like barges into the oval office danny glover like has a sit down with her yes and oliver platt

like out in the hallway because chuitel and oliver platt had been in the oval office before like discussing the end of the world it's chuitel right i'm doing it wrong this entire time. Chewitel? Okay. That's how I've always said it. I've been saying Chaitoel, which is probably wrong. Can you get that? I believe the W comes before the T. Chituel. Can you get the abducted boy? Chutuel. Chris is asking me for the online pronunciation guide, which he's calling the abducted boy, but sure. The last time it sounded like an abducted boy was saying it. Brahms too, the abducted boy. Yeah. But so Oliver Platt notices that Chuitel gives Tandy a little look here, right? Oh yeah. So he's like,

yeah, not too bad. They're the president's daughter, eh? And he's like, uh, what's that? And fucking Oliver Platt goes Better move fast, kid. The end is near. Oh, yeah. If you're going to try to fucking get it wet, dude. Yes, it is Oliver Platt. Could you not tell me how to fuck?

Egeal Egy-O-4. Oh, I see he's growing up. So who is this guy? It was just like any other Saturday for Chewetel Egy-O-4. Wait. It was just to begin of Great Gatsby with Chewetle. What are you doing? I'm sorry. So this is a video where it's a guy. It's just a dude. I'll show you what this guy looks like. He looks like a fucking out-of-work actor, which I'm sure he is,

telling you A, how to pronounce it, and then B, how to use it in a sentence, and then C, he's going to give you common mispronunciations, which I'm sure we'll have mine. Oh, nice. Okay, here we go. Steve, I'm going to turn your channel up so everybody at home can hear this. Chewettel Egy-O-4. Chewetel Egy-O-4. What are those other videos? It was just like any other Saturday for Chewetel Egy-O-4. walk into a puppy store

and eat an entire pizza. What? Chiaweta Egyofore. Chiaweta Egiophore. Well, now I'm just thinking of used. Egiophore. Chewittal Egyofor. Wait, so he eats puppy pizza?

What a sick fuck. We should mention who this guy. I mean, we should probably mention what his YouTube is. I feel like if we're airing his... Yeah, this deserves a plug. That's fair. That's fair. Hold on. Let me find it again. Abducted Boy Channel. Next movie official.

There you go. Next movie official. also would like the come on two-way street here now and you say we hate movies it was an average day for we hate movies Errogate a puppy we had a puppy pizza and that was that

I'm sorry so we're on this camping trip now and John Cusack's like I'm going to take you to the spot where like you know me and your ma used to fuck out in the woods to which one of the kids is like you're going to take us to a place where you and mom used to have sex no thank you I was like, yeah, that's right, little weiner from the way, way back.

That's this kid. It's Noah who says it, and he's like, I don't want to hear about you two having sex. Yeah. I don't want to hear Tom McCarthy stories about having sex with mom that he tells me all the time. Now, Gordon fucks, mom. Do you understand me? And he's Jackson. He's great.

He's FaceTiming it right now. Gordon is a plastic surgeon, and he knows all the moves, and he told me so. Wow, he told you so. He's got the pocket comma. Sutra. Do you have the Pacaama Sutra? Paca Sutra, dude. He's also doing this thing, which everybody hates, which is, yeah, I don't

want to do that, Jackson, and he's like, could you call me dad? Yeah. Not for any reason other than it's extremely annoying not to. Do you ever call your old man by his first name? No, because I'm not a brat. Yeah, no, it's obnoxious. I really hate it.

It's perfectly, you're perfectly capable. You're allowed to hate your dad. You're totally allowed to hate your dad. I'm not saying you're not allowed to hate your dad. No, but a human being is perfectly capable of hating their parent and still calling them mom and dad. I mean, you don't want to sound like an asshole. It's just easier. Yeah, you can say, fuck you, dad, and not fuck you, Roger. Exactly.

I mean, I guess Roger's got the punch. I don't know. Hey, look, do what you want with your dad. Now, you're bending. Here's the thing. I think if your parents' names are Roger and Karen, you can do a fuck you, Karen. That sounds awesome. Way better than fuck you, mom.

Similarly, fuck you, Roger, way better than fuck you dad. those are the two names that you can do it with otherwise forget it what were the uh menendez brothers uh parents named i forget that i don't know it's just mom and dad to me right now yeah i never watched that law and order show no nobody did eatie faca no everybody forgot that so they go there and the lake is gone it's like what the fuck um they get arrested by all these people like the military picks them up well this is pretty first of all do a better job of keep a people out of this area, dude. How about do a better job of being a fucking parent

John Cusack? There's a huge fucking fence that's like, do not cross this, military authorization, blah, blah, blah. And on the other side, it's not just that the lake isn't there anymore. There's fucking dead animals and there's like steam rising from the ground. Guess what?

Enjoy the fucking radiation poisoning or whatever your whole family has. Jose and Kitty, by the way. Oh, nice. Fuck you, Kitty. Yeah, all right. So they get picked up and then chew a tail edgior for, which I know I'm better at that. It was a regular Saturday for him this day, I'll tell you. Is he about to go to the puppy store?

He's going to eat pizza while he's there. What a silly sentence? He folds it up like in Green Book. No, so he's like, oh my God, are you Jackson Curtis? You wrote my favorite novel of all time. Fuck you. Yeah. And it's like,

and it's this weird thing where like they're really laying on things. Like you wrote this my favorite novel of all times. Like, yeah, I did. He's like,

man, it was so cool that even in the face of the apocalypse, everyone worked together and self-sacrifice. Yeah, that's odd. Is this a movie about the apocalypse?

I guess it is. So those themes will probably be relevant in this. I mean, we're only 30 minutes in, so who knows? Who knows it's going to happen?

I'm actually surprised, though, that this screenplay was capable of doing such. Yeah. I was shocked that there was foreshadowing in this movie. As heavy-handed as this foreshadowing is, shocked. I mean, I didn't quite understand what was going on with those dead horses, like, as far as, like, what exactly had happened to them. It looked like they got half eaten by the Sarlac and then thrown back up. Yeah. Yeah, I thought that it was the monster from, um, it's that there, Natalie Portman picture, Annihilation.

Oh, right. That bear monster. Oh, that bear monster that screams like a man. Yeah, I think it's fucking terrifying. Or she was like a lady. Yeah. He's got that lady's voice in there. God damn.

They merged. They merged. They're really good moves. But yeah, like, why would you take your kids out there, Kusack? It's just so fucking irresponsible. You're getting picked up by the government now. Now you're on a list. Mm-hmm.

And so he has overheard on their drive there. A crazy fucking West of the Rockies radio dude. Right? And I'm like, huh. That kind of the radio kind of sounds on. awfully a lot like Woody Harrelson. Keep in mind, I didn't remember a thing about this movie. I thought when you first see him,

because he's like looking at them with binoculars, it's like, oh, Jake Busey's in this movie? I really thought it was Jake Bucke. I think I thought that too at first, but as we're watching this. And we're introduced to Woody Harrelson. He's like spying them from afar with binoculars. Like Steve said, you know why I think it is, dude? Because Woody Harrelson, they're shooting him

this like low angle shot. Like you're looking up on his face. Yeah. And he's got teething out right here. I think he's got fake teeth in or like, something's going on. Yeah, because he's looking like this he-haw motherfucker. He's got long hair. He does look like Jake Busey in PCU. Yeah. Like, specifically.

Oh, you're totally right. Or Jake Bucing in contact before he blows up that spaceship. Right. They have like a white tunic, does he in that in the drawer? Which is like, why not do spaceships? What's these arcs? Like, go to the space and come back when it's all done

mixing up. Do a couple of laps around the universe? Come on back? Yeah. Just like looking for a spot, basically. Exactly. Exactly. It would have been much safer than we find out that thousands of feet of Earth move from where they should be. And you got to look around for it. It seems risky. I'd say get out. Get out. So they wind up going. First of all, yeah, they let go. They're fucking killing French professors left and right. This fucking white family shows up. No, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, no, you can leave. All you have to do is go sign these forms. these in this little fun trailer.

I think it's only because everyone's dead. I didn't know what that show. I didn't know what that noise was for a second. Those are silenced pistols. Oh, I thought they were having sex with the family. I thought someone was pulling pudd. No, no. Yeah, I can't get it.

Coming on that whole family. Hey, Noah and Lily. Yeah, yeah. Want to have some fun? Get in these white barrels. And, uh, we'll just see what have some fun. But the biggest stupid shit of this fucking scene is like these fucking clueless white tour are like, what's going on here?

And then the scientist, Chuelita Ejifor? Chuitel Ejiafor. He's eating a pizza. Yeah. So they get the scientist to talk to the tourists. Yeah. Why?

No, but just either let them go or don't. Like, whatever. This guy would be like, Cusack and company would be dealing with military police or getting shot fucking sight unseen. Well, no, isn't it like he sees, Twettel Ezrefour sees him from up, he's like, oh my, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my God. Oh, my God, you're Jackson, oh, my God.

You wrote that piece of shit that I don't remember the name of, because who would, who watched this movie. That only sold 430 copies, period. It's called Farewell Atlantis. And it's a great book, apparently. Wouldn't like, I don't know, 430 copies out of how many did they press? Yeah, exactly. Wouldn't it be at least in libraries?

Wouldn't people kind of know about it even still? I mean, there's tons of books you don't know about. Or you don't say. Well, what is your logic here? I don't know. That it just seems, I feel like you'd accidentally sell more than 430, just Barnes & Noble sales section. Well, this is before the days of Amazon's self-publishing where he could have made a lot more money, I think. But it doesn't matter because he got the attention of one of the Jazz Boys.

One of the Jazz Boys gave it to a son. Oh, yeah, Jazz Boy did buy it and then gave it to a son. Correct, Chris. The funny thing, by the way, the jazz boys we're talking about are this fucking shit. How about when they go to, they're getting on to that cruise ship and the fucking ocean moves and they're like, I don't know about this ocean. But it's even worse because they're like, oh, man, are you going to talk to your son? Should we tell his father? Yeah, I'm going to talk to my side.

He's like, yeah, I never talked to my son ever after he married that Asian woman. Oh, well, that's the movie. And I'm like, wait, what? It's like, he's not like, no, correct me from wrong. I did not pay attention to this film. Uh-huh. Because it fucking sucks. Sure.

Mm-hmm. Do we see? We don't ever see George. No, we do. We do. We see his son for one second. It is one of the funniest fucking parts of this movie. We can just get to it now.

Because it matters. It matters none. Yeah. But so George Siegel is inspired by his buddy who has a little heart to heart with Chirutel over the phone. So he's like, all right, I'm going to finally deal. finally do it, even though he married that Japanese person. It's such a weird and he showed to be such a good guy

the rest of the movie and it's weird, like it's a weird thing. It's so weird and he's, yeah, he is like this fun-loving, like he's fucking flirting with these old ladies in the crowd and kind of a thing. But I hate Japanese people. Boo-bitt-boo-do-dood-dood-do-do-do-do. Well, because of the war, Skidley-Bob Pete, that's what that was. Exactly. And so he calls, right? And so the

granddaughter answers the phone. Oh, fuck. Hang-up. Hang-up. It's like 5.30 in the morning. And he's like, and he's He's looking at a baby picture. Oh, were they watching 2012? And he's like, he's like, oh, hey, let me talk to such and such. And she's like, oh, my mask is calling. And it's like, oh, it's his father. And she goes, oh, are you my grandfather?

He says, yes. The dude gets on the fucking horn. And, like, the wife gets out of bed. And she's like, who is it? And he's like, hi, hello, what is this? And then, like, goes back to George Siegel in the fucking cruise ship. And he goes here, no! And they're just, like, fucking killed immediately.

Oh, it's jazz. Well, it's like a scene out of that new Jurassic Park movie. It's like, the Raptors got him. You know what I mean? No, it definitely is. And then, like, he hangs with the phone. He's like, I was too late. Yeah, wow.

Think about it, guys. It's a great reversal of expectations. Because if you got a call at 530 and someone said, it's your dad, you'd be like, oh, he's dead. Oh, wait, I'm dead? Yeah. He's calling me because I'm dead? Huh. So whatever

They During this camping trip Amanda Pete and what's his face Tom McCarthy go to a A grocery store It kind of explodes a little bit They get out of it They're like everybody's got to come back

For this fucking camera Camping trip over By the way camping sucks L.O.L. Inappropriate moves in the grocery store By Tom McCarthy here by the way He like to get to a third base He grabs your chest and says like

Women pay me thousands to do this to them and you get it for free. Also, you get it for free. The line, it's not just like a feel-up. It's, it's a feel-up coupled with, let's have a baby. Yeah. What are you doing, dude? You're in the fucking soup aisle, man.

I need one of my own. It's disgusting. That's the move. You know, you got the rotten kids are out of the house. Just play it cool for another couple hours. You go home, you make a nice dinner. Right. After you finish Sopranos' disc four, then you're like, oh, man, that Tony's a monster anyway.

Man, you know, I was rarely left hornier than when I finished an episode of The Sopranos. No, I mean, whatever you're getting through at home. Oh, my God, is it a dream episode? Oh, oh, he thinks he's on the boardwalk again. He thinks his other, the fish is talking to him. My husband has a Tony fetish. I'm sorry. Kevin fucking finish.

is that a locker room oh damn that's a great episode though is it not i love it affinity i believe uh in any of it so that that happens and then they wind up uh she's like everybody's got to come home and oh this is when he actually meets up with harrelson like also by the way you're camping alone with your kids the government has sequestered you for the evening and let you go by the skin of your teeth you don't know what biological weapon is is around here you're like i'm going to leave the these kids in the tent go wandering a little bit. Yep.

Just a nice midnight wander and hang out with Woody Harrelson in this fucking camp. I could see doing that. Yeah. Well, also, he's like, hey, Woody Harrelson, you got any beer? You bring your own beer. Asshole, it's camping. That's the whole thing. Absolutely.

What are you doing with that in the alcohol? How are you going to make it through this weekend with these rotten kids? He's really impressed that he has his own radio show. Yeah. Like, John Kusack, the whole reason he's like, he turns on his radio. Yeah. And he hears Woody Harrelson. He's like,

What? Oh, that's right. Could it be? Oh, my God. You're that lunatic from the woods. It's not even a radio show. He's just broadcasting out. Like, it's his own pirate broadcast.

It's not like he's hired by anyone. From his Winnebago. He's got a, yeah, he's got an AM spot on the dial. And I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with the reach of this thing. Yeah. Because they are driving, like, way far away later on. And you can still hear Woody Harrell's in broadcasting. from the top of a fucking mountain.

And they are the only people to have ever listened to his radio show. He's done 10,000 episodes, and they are the only person to ever accidentally hit it on the AM dial. Except for the most famous scientists in the world. They have also listened to this. Hey, man, you want to have a cartoon that tells you the whole movie real quick? I got it on my computer. Because the whole gag is like, oh, yeah, he's this, like, wacky, crazy radio guy.

But he's actually right about it. everything like the way the world is coming to an end the the conspiracy with like the oligarchy to buy slots on this arc like he telegraphs the whole movie i made a jib jab about it you sit down watch this look at that i said it all it's cool it's also it's here's a jib jab of me doing uh tears for fears man it's a pretty fun jibs something happens and i'm head over here I got a flappy mouth like that South Park show And it will truly be a planet of Jib James Oh, dude, count me out

Around here is where we're introduced This Russian oligarch Dude, we go to Vegas for a little bit Had to squeeze in that Michael Buffer cameo Dude, why pay that guy for this? I don't know, but he was happy to do it, dude He was happy to say ready to rumble in this fucking disaster movie And he does

And it's like this thing with the Russian oligarchs like telling this boxer, like, you know, you got to win for the one one for the Gipp. And he's got this like trophy girlfriend. They sit down and like he gets this, he has like this special text service for when the world's going to end. I think that's the only thing that this telephone does. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. And he just kind of leaves the boxing match like up and leave. It's like ding, ding, ding, you're on Arc 3.

Yeah. We're boarding soon. And he fucking pieces out. This boxer gets the fucking shit kicked out of it. of him too. He does. And we're also introduced to his weird catchphrase, which is like, he goes up to the, to the boxer and his trainer. And he's like, are you ready to start to the fight? And yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Carpuff. Good. This is good. Oh, yeah. And he says that line. This is good. This is good. Approximately 15 more times for the movie ads. Yeah. Well, you know, you got to have a catchphrase with some of these people. What else are you going to put on a t-shirt? T-shirt for 20-20. I guarantee you they're out there.

Really? That says, this is good. No. Is that a pull-quote? Somebody give me that t-shirt. Is that guy's fat-face? The movie, dude, this is good. Said by character in the film.

Camping sucks. Noah also. I'm into that. So Cusack drives through the night, drops them off. We're having pancakes. Wouldn't you know what he's the Russia driver and they're like hey you got to pick up my kids

rotten twin kids I hate these kids the fact that both these kids make it really pissed me off it sucks you got two of them kill one I thought one was going down I thought I really did thought so too so yeah he picks them up they're like rotten and they even say to him and like so basically he Lee uh Cusack Lee Harris like you're a nutcase blah blah blah right

and one of these kids is like you're going to die and my dead is going to live yeah yeah and he's oh my god this is really happening He rents a plane. He drives back to Amanda Pete's house and picks up the whole family as the world. This is when the world really starts to crumble. This is the Arnold-esque thing because I have the television on during breakfast and it's like, yeah, I'm going to have to tell you once and for all that these quakes was just an anomaly. Things are going back to normal.

When can you start? No, you can come to California. These quakes are nothing. What sucks is that they don't even get a person who kind of looks like Arnold. This guy looks like Bruce Greenwood. What the fuck was Juergen Prachnau doing at that exact moment you're making this movie? Such a good point. Probably saying no.

Getting ready for the Anaguru, Armageddon. But he does have, it's like so dumb because it's like you hear him doing this bad impression. It's like, all right, I get it. It's Arnold. But they have to take it even farther in the screenplay. He's like, yeah, of all the crazy people I've taken down over the. the years in my movies nothing has been more

formidable than the Earth's crust or like whatever it is. But he like mentions like that he was in movies and it's like I fucking get it dude. I fucking get that this is supposed to be Arnold. Because he's um he's QSexed now on the phone with Pete like look we've got to get our kids. We're

leaving the right to the plane and they're like you're crazy the governor said it's fine and he's like he's an actor he's reading off a script man. Oh right. Yeah. This will be the last stand. Don't go a running man but it is the end of days it is the end of days pretty soon

you'll have a new genesis right determinate the genesis I don't want to have to be a kindergarten cop with you people just stay home this is my long goodbye do not wait for the sixth day to leave leave now we're not saying the long

goodbye there's a movie I was in I was one of my first and remember when you're going out to support a small business around the holidays, you're going to jingle all the way. It might sound stupid, but I'm actually going to pump iron. I'm going to pumping iron. This Hercules is going to New York.

Goodbye, everybody. I'm coming in the gym. I'm coming in the apocalypse. Oh, but that's what it is. So he ends the press conference with, it seems to me the worst is over. And then immediately the earth starts falling apart. But we will have a Christmas in Connecticut.

I think. Wow, you're remembering that one. Nice. So, yeah, everything starts going crazy right here. This is the big fucking chasing. Hey, Danny Glover, am I the one that's going to break the news here or what? What happened to the Macy's Day parade? Shit, man, this is on you. I got to go. No, I'm going to put punt the ball. Look, everything is fine. Ask Danny Glover what's going on, honestly. Look, you people have laws in place that prevented me from running for president. Had I won the election Yes I would have announced The end of the world

Before Thanksgiving Now I'm left holding the bag Now I am collateral damage Cusack right here though When he's like screaming And everybody to get in the car He does have a nice We're keeping his PG-13 still

Yeah But he has a screaming Get in the fucking car Yeah Not too bad And he grabs everybody He even grabs the stepdad They're all going

And they're oh my gosh It's crazy and this is like there's a lot of like fun gags of like the worst devastation you've ever seen also but like he knocks Gordon Tom McCarthy's car into a hole and he's like oh I'm sorry oh right yeah

and he's just like giving him a look like do you know that car's not surviving right either way yeah you're fine it's bullshit though like this movie I feel is like he's uh Roland Emmerich has just been trying to, like, top himself with the destruction.

Yeah. And this movie is, like, the swan song of it all. Like, we have the gag around here, 75-9-11s. This is 2012-9-11s. Like, just endless amounts of building and seeing people falling out of buildings. But the weird thing is that I understand, like, he's the only one that knows of Woody Harrelson's whatever. But no one else, like, there's these old ladies that are like, well, I'm trying to get to the grocery store. And it's like, dude, I know that they're old, but they know.

know what building's crumbling means. No, they don't. And what's funny is when they hit a fucking building or whatever, or the earth, and they die. These old ladies eat some shit, man. Absolutely, dude, it's great. Speaking of shit, they also get in a spraying

shit all over the car joke. Did everyone have missed this? Was it feces, though? It's feces. Oh, it's absolutely feces. Okay. Was this in the movie or on your laptop? It's both. No difference. No, no, there's an actual, like, He turns some and like some like pipe goes loose.

Oh, is that what it is? Sprays all over the car and the girl, the little girl says, it stinks. You're going to die, kid. Let's maybe not care so much about this stuff. And you're watching nonstop destruction. Like that house had all your friends in it. That fucking place had other people you knew. Your school, you better believe that's gone.

Exactly. Everyone is dead. Yay. The school's gone. They make it to this landing store. I mean, like, yeah, I mean, like, and also, like, it's kind of, it doesn't look that good. This, I mean, like, the limo part's fun, but, like, it's a little non-specific in terms of, like, the destruction of L.A. But the thing is because L.A. is non-specific as a city.

That's true. There's not a lot of towers or anything. So it's just parking garages and freeways collapsing. You see a ton of cars fall, and the cars look good because, you know, we got matchbox car technology in the CGI. Do you even see the Capitol Records building go down? You don't. No, none of that. You don't see the Hollywood sign. I think he was specifically not trying to do that this time around. Well, I don't, I think he's sort of like, he's a little north, I think, is the idea.

You do see Randy's donuts. That's kind of a... Oh, that's right, actually. L.A. whatever marker. And it's rolling around. The donut is rolling around. Can you imagine that? You see the Venice Beach pier, the boardwalk pier there, like, go get pushed into the ocean. and that definitely happens. Because this is the big, like, it's the San Andreas fault line is collapsing and California is literally falling in the beach.

You see one of those useless subway cars fly for a second? Yeah. Well, this is, all right, so let's get to this airport because they get to the airport. The pilot is fucking hilariously just laying there dead. I don't know. What happened to this guy? Heart attack, dude, damnedest thing.

He's just dead. And I'm like, what happens? He's dead holding the fucking gas pumps still. Was he, like, murdered? Was it an accident? Dude, I think it was a foul play? Okay. Honestly, if there was ever a perfect time to murder somebody, go crazy.

What are they going to do? I know the Menendez brothers should have waited for this day. I don't know if they're going to held out that long, man. That's true. Those parents were pretty oppressive. That's what the man's were really predicting. One day, you will be able to kill with impunity. Yeah.

But it's not the end of the world necessarily. Well, I mean, I think that's what they'll wait for Black Friday. That'll be murder day. Right. If I announce it now, it's. going to be murder day now. I want to wait after the Macy's Day parade. You wait to the day that Americans are murdering each other in the street. Exactly. No one will know the difference. It's the closest we've come yet to the purge,

by the way. It's true. So they take off, it turns out Tom McCarthy is taking, we're told, some flying lessons. They get the plane off the ground. And then this is what I don't understand. Like they make it, the runways collapsing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Pull up, motherfucker. This guy is like flying this fucking plane through all the destruction. he's fucking Harrison Ford in Star Wars. It's really something. Pull up, get out of there. Have you taken a few

lessons? They only really take off because the ground leaves them. Yes, it's true. They just cannot get any altitude or won't get any altitude or whatever. I don't know what's going on, but when that subway is flying through, he's like dodging that. It's like if

they made a fucking stupid Disney World 2012 ride where you got in one of those simulators that had the hydraulic lives. Don't think that wasn't discussed. Do not think that the whole of the scene is like, well, if this really works out,

we could have the whole 2012 Escape LA. Right, yeah. Welcome to 2012 Escape Alley. It is me, Roland Demerick. Eat shit, Dean Devlin. Welcome into my own ride. Yes, no, you would expect John Cusack or someone to introduce. No, it is me, Roland Demerick.

These days, he's trying to get him to, like, put it on VR. it's the same thing it's the same thing they would be electrified um so yeah they're like they go back to fucking yellowstone because he's looking for woody harrelson because whaty harrison's got a map to wherever they're fucking keeping these boats and woody harrison has the the idea that again like this is the movie i want but this is also what i would be doing although i'd be totally naked he's like he's like look the world is literally ending yep I am not going to try and run around and get my hair messed up

waiting for fucking I want to die with either no dignity or all the dignity somewhere in the other. Exactly. No half measures for me, dude. No dude you would find me on the top of that mountain stark naked fucking a sheep. Oh, just zero dignity. Is that what you always

wanted to do? End times, dude, I don't know what I've always wanted to do. That's the thing. Once you realize the world's coming in, who knows the thoughts that are going to cross your mind? Number one on the list, eat a human. Go cannibal. like, I need the map to where the deep state is going. I'm going to go to the crazy conspiracy

theorist radio show. You just go to Alex Jones and go to Comet Pink Punk Pizza and wait for the government to show up. Those guys don't know shit about shit. Yes, exactly. The gag should have been, he's like, oh, here's the exact map he was talking about.

And John Cusack unfolds it and it's fucking Disneyland. Yeah. And he's like X marks the spot. You know, Magic Kingdom is where these boats are or something. The only thing you have to know that he's a nut is that he thinks it's spaceships, not actual ships. And he eats pickles.

Oh, he loves pickles. That's like supposed to be the weird thing about him. Which I took offense to dude, because let me tell you something, my old man makes a mean batch of pickles. I was at my parents' house a couple weeks ago. He hooked me up with one of these jars of pickles, man. I've been going through this jar of pickles. Are great.

I agree spaceships make more sense. And I like pickles. Listen. I mean, this is a movie where the world is ending in a fucking ridiculous fashion. Cucumbers can fuck off, though. But I'm saying you should have had it be spaceships. Yeah.

Why this movie tries to ground it in, we're just making superboats. Let's go to space, people. Also, speaking of pickles, you find me on top of a mountain because I know the world is ending and I have a pension for pickles. I'm eating pickles with both ends, my friends. Absolutely. Everything goes. Butt bites, dude. Butt bites are totally happening.

See what Jen fucking sells out first. Exactly. Because you know what? The world is ending and let's see what it's all about. I'm not going bread and butter, though. I can't do it. No, no, no, no, no. I won't do it.

No, I like some chili flakes in the brine. The pickle man at my farmer's market makes a fucking mean wasabi pickle. Really? I mean, I like them all, man. I like bread and butter too. Just fucking give me all these pickles in my face. No, I just, I'm a dill man. I'm a dill man.

So. I'm a deal man. Woody Harrell says like, Oh man, it's all over, baby. Here comes you in. He gets it pretty well. Like his whole like area of the mountain erupts. Right.

And like kind of flies. It becomes like a big volcano. Projecto. Yeah. And he just kind of like there's a volcano atomic bomb. Yes. That's like that goes off around here. And this is Mount Big Horn and Yellowstone explodes.

And it's next to this little dinky airplane that like Amanda Pete and Tom McCarthy are like fueling up while you know both QSAC and the little girl go find this guy and look for the map first of all I'm like hey Lily while I'm driving this fucking thing you go look for that map anything else on the map you bring to me right now whilst I'm driving

this is what I understand too is he's a very organized lunatic Willie Harrelson in the shelf like that you see QSack like he's like books whatever there is a whole section that just says maps yeah pick up the whole fucking pile and get in that goddamn airplane

What are you worried about bringing too many maps for? Woody Harrison is not coming back for the rest of these maps, dude? So, but this whole... He gets there and Amanda Pete's like, no, that's too many maps. We can't fit it. We can't fit them. We're not taking off. There's too many maps in here.

It's too heavy. It's too heavy. Throw the boy out of the plane. We haven't found which one of the maps it is yet. Plus, he could be Brahms the boy. I don't know. That could be a fucking doll person. It's very true.

Yeah, he winds up. There's this whole stupid scene, yeah, where he lets everybody go. he finds the one map that he needs the one true map. Should have also been either, like I said, the Disneyland thing or how great would this be, it's a fucking diner place, Matt. That would be something. And he winds up

like going into the sinkhole and everybody thinks he's dead and like blah, blah, blah. And Tom McCart's like, goodbye, everybody. Goodbye, third wheel. But he makes it on the plane and they have to go to China. They realize they have to go to China. This is when they hook up with the Russian oligarch. I don't even know how we're

why this happens, but it does. Who cares? They're in this airport and Karpov, the Russian guy. His pilots, like, I need a co-pilot. We've got the airport. I need a co-pilot. And John Kusuk yells, Tom McCarthy is a co-pilot. Let's get this thing going. Right. So now they're in this huge fucking spruce moose plane. The Russian pilot looks a lot like Tom Brady,

not for nothing. Definitely did. I hope Tom Brady has the same end. And he's Sasha and he's the same. sexy Russian because it's like sexy Russian and like fat demented Russian those are the two types because he's also got a sexy Russian girlfriend. The thing that's totally impossible in this movie

though is the fucking Russian premiere is made out to be this like loving kind man. Sure. Okay. We'll see. We'll see how it all goes. We'll see what shakes out. The world should just end. What are we doing?

So this is also like this is a undercut with like, so now their shit is really hitting the fan and Danny Glover is like, okay, everybody get on Air Force One, by the way, I'm going to stay behind. Yeah, which I would do the Mayor Quimby thing. I would give this address

where it's like, it looks like I'm in the White House and it's like, it's me, oh, it's all of us, we're in this together. I wanted to tell you the Macy's parade. Walking by with steel drums behind you, do do do do do do do. Exactly. It's the worst possible time.

But, like, that's what I would do. Like, I would, because there's no material difference between actually dying with everybody and actually pretending that you did. That's so dumb. And, like, someone makes mention of, like, well, it looks like the captain's going down with the ship or something. And I'm like, no, you've got to stay alive for the country. Also, where is head of the secret service, Nick Nolte to yank his collar and say, you're getting on your fucking play? You got on the goddamn plate now. Anyone else noticed this?

a connection between this and Independence Day in both movies. The vice president dies off screen. Yeah, totally. You know, because it's almost as if the vice president's a totally meaningless position and someone who may have served as vice president actually doesn't have really any experience

that's worthwhile whatsoever. It's like, it's a ceremonial thing that just sort of happens. It's a nice, he might be a nice guy maybe, I don't know. Also, Tate Donovan asked for too much. We had a vice president character. We had to get him. And now, Mr. Anheiser, Oliver Platt

seizes control of the United States government because who the fuck knows where the Speaker of the House is? It's a weird, he's like, he's like, well, I don't care where he is and I'm just going to do it. What are you going to say to that? Like, who is he again? He's like the head of the Department of the Interior, maybe at best. He's the Chief of Chief of Chief of State.

Oh, Chief of Chish, okay. That's even worse. Yeah, it's not good. Well, because Chewettel, they're like, the Vice President has been killed. And Oliver Platt's like, all right. Well, that's it. I'm the king of the world. And Chua tells like, hey man, what about the speaker of the house? He's like, there's a fucking protocol for all this.

Oliver Platt's like, well, we don't have time to go find him. It's like, no, you do. Well, though he's like, oh, if this is one flight he shouldn't have missed. And he's like, let's go. Yeah, it's like, wheels up, motherfucker. Yeah, and I mean, they leave. And, like, he, uh, Danny Lover, not only, uh, does not tell Danny Newton that he's leaving her. He kind of gives her a call and she's like, you fucking ass.

Try to guess where I'm calling. I'll tell you, it's not the cockpit. But also, like, if the president, if I'm either Oliver O'Oplatt or Chewytle or Edgifour or Danny Newton and I find out the president doesn't want to go home, I'm like, wait, what's going on in these arcs? Because it can't be that good. Right.

If he wants to be like, yeah, I'd rather be dead than be. Oh, oh, you enjoy that arc, dude. Yeah, no, it's good for you guys. I mean, the calling it arcs. It's just a bunch of people. and six giraffes. But you honestly might as well be dead. Because, like, you always say, like,

Steve Sadek's famous for saying, I never want to be unplug for the Matrix, the guys in the Matrix. And that's what this would be. You'd be fucking, like, eating squirrels and shit. Exactly. At best. At best.

I don't know, man. What winds up happening to Danny Glover is quite horrific, though. I must say. We can do it now. How does he go? So it's like he's wandering the fucking lawn of the White House.

Trying to save like a boy or something. I'm going to find your mother. So fucking funny is because he's just like, I need help over here. And the guy's paramedics, like, I'm fucking busy. Shut up. Shut up.

The Washington Monument fucking crashes and there's a huge dust cloud, very 9-11-e imagery here. And then all of a sudden he wakes up from that to see a humongous wave bearing down on a

carrying the USS John F. Kennedy a fucking bad. The battleship falls on his head. It's my final revenge on Washington. All right. America, let me die. And now I'm going to lay the final death blow to America.

You all knew you were all in on it. You're all culpable, the whole damnation. I don't care how many presidents it's been. You're in on it. Take this LBJ. And as you see, this battleship. fucking crashing down on this man. He just goes, I'm coming

home, Dorothy. Yeah. And I'm like, all right, it's a fucking Red Fox slash Wizard of Odd reference right here. Is that what's going on? I don't know. I guess so. But you're saying this is a bad death? I would like to be crushed by a

battleship. Just waiting for that. I'd rather be crushed by a battleship than starve to death next to a smelly giraffe. Yeah. Well, you got to eat that giraffe. First things first. We're having giraffe burgers

tonight. Oh my God. That neck would last like at least a week. That's why they piled up on giraffes. Just ask whatever fucking he-haw fucking

cousin fucker from wherever that woman that fucking killed that poor giraffe recently. Oh. And she was like, I'm conserving animals. And it was like,

go fuck your sale. Well, I mean, conserve animals by shooting yourself in the head because there's too many humans. That's exactly right. take your own advice lady fucking end it all

maybe you fucking battleship will fall in your head. Yes, Chris. I have a question for you. Okay, please. On your list, I know you have a list of your favorite ways that you could die. Yeah. Where is crushed by a battleship? It's not, it's not

Yeah, it's definitely not making the top 10. It's in the mix. Counting up, Eric's favorite ways to die. Shockingly, number 7, trapped by a ghostbuster. Number 31, being crushed by a Star Destroyer. Well, that's

a fictional thing. And number 30 would be the battleship. Number one, being choked to death by Dark Vader. Dark Vader. I never really saw that movie. You know what? I know, look, the world is ending.

The president was just crushed by a battleship. I'm just going to say it. I never saw Star Wars. Yep, yeah. So what's it called? Star Wars. I've been calling it Star Conflict. So whatever. So Danny Glover's dead. We're running around on this airplane. This airplane is like running out of fuel as the idea. We're running out of fuel and they're like, oh, we're going to gas up in Hawaii. Yes, but Hawaii's gone, baby. Yeah, all those volcanoes fucking went sky high. And this is when like, it's kind of shitty like, well, Sasha, the pilot is just lucky to be here. And Tom McCarthy, he's a co-pilot. I'm going to go down and go to stairs and go to sleep.

You wake me when you get there, man. It's like, nobody's hanging out with this dude. Like, Amanda Pete does not go up to hang out with this dude at all. Well, it's a very weird thing. Like, every time there's a situation in the cockpit, Tom McCarthy comes down into the where everybody else is. By the way, it's a plane full of cars, like fucking fast and furious. And he's like, hey, guys, can you come up here for a second?

And he specifically means QSAC and this, fucking Russian dude. It's very specifically like guys get in here. Only dudes. The fucking he man woman haters club has a problem up in the cockpit. Well, he says that, but I think it's mostly to keep an eye on Noah. Yeah.

And to see where he's making sure he's okay. A little one? Where's little one? Hasn't replied to my facts lately. But like, Kuzak is putting all the moves on Amanda Pee. He's like, hey, let's go inside this car and have it. Dude. Remember how we used to fuck inside of cars?

Remember all the fiddling we used to do in the back of my Volkswagon? It's like, all right, dude, whatever. A, you're 25 years older than me. I don't remember that. I mean, so much of this movie does become like, we need to preserve the nuclear family dynamic. Absolutely. Get this fucking stepfather right to hell out of here.

Biological come only, my friend. The weirdest part about it, biological come only. As opposed to artificial come? Whatever a stepdad. one biological comb only but what the movie is almost saying and I think I actually thought this where this is what the movie was going was like yeah you know Jackson Curtis wrote this book about self-sacrifice it's gonna be about his journey to realize like oh wait this family's kind of better off without me yeah you know what I mean like back in right because like later in the movie like

he even goes up to the kid and they kind of come to come to terms and they're like you really like that Gordon guy right is like yeah he's a pretty awesome dude. He's like, I guess he's a pretty awesome dude. I thought that was kind of like, you know what, dude? And you know, I was conflating some motion pictures here at this point because I was thinking exactly what you were and misremembering Kurt Russell's horrendous death in the film Poseidon where you see him just drown and he's like shaken and shit. Like that has stuck with me with yours. That's a fucking dumb movie and Poseid and Venture never needed to be remade ever. but Kurt Russell as the ex-mare of New York City

like sacrificing it all man that got me in the theaters and afterwards but then like when the movie here started continuing I was like oh no you're thinking to Poseid no junkies I's gonna live through this whole thing I conflated this with Titanic

and I thought he like fell and hit like a blade there's only one propeller guy in Hollywood history but actually speaking of Titanic we should say really quickly so there is that scene where George Seagal calls his son and he was too racist to have any bonds

and that guy doesn't deserve closure so that's how that works. But like this fucking, this boat, because they're watching the news of like, because they're just on a boat like in the middle of nowhere on a cruise ship,

this cruise ship, because everyone's like being quiet, like the cooks are still in the kitchen. There should be 120 days of fucking Sodom, dude. Oh, absolutely. Oh, fuck. A cruise ship. A cruise ship anyway.

There should be cooking up some loving down there. Exactly. A cruise ship at the end of... You'll call it a mess hall for nothing. Cruise ship at the end of the world. I am cooking babies downstairs. Absolutely, dude. I have making baby steaks.

Who wants them? Really? So that's what... We're cooking babies at the end of the world. We're rolling out to the end of days. First of all, you should not be going on a cruise where they allow children. Thank you very much. That's actually... You know, you're right.

You want to be fucking stranded, stranded in a fucking broke-down boat shitting in fucking pots-and-pans. Apparently, there are emergency rations to Steve. Steve over here. Whenever Steve goes on in a fucking flight, he looks at as a kid as a flotation device. Sure hope we don't break down, Jr. I'm just saying it's the end of

everything. Clearly, God doesn't exist because he's letting this happen. Absolutely. It's time to cook some babies. Or maybe he exists and he's just fucking sick and tired of it all, dude. He's sick and tired of the bullshit. Either way, I'm, whatever, it's not going to work out well for me. I might as well cook a baby or two.

It's all I'm saying. Mr. is that tartar sauce you're pouring on me? And to your point, Steve, everybody's naked in this. Of course, you're not fucking wearing clothes anymore. Hold on a second. Why is everyone no longer wearing clothes? I feel like I will always wear clothes. I will die in clothes.

I'll be buried in clothes. Never even, don't even dress me. Just keep me in clothes. Eric, you're, maybe your wife is like, hey, let's finally take that cruise. I hate cruises. I never wanted to take a cruise. You get browbeaten on. You're there.

Maybe the couple's friends and all sorts of stuff. You keep losing it shuffleboard. You know, this kind of sucks. And then, like, the news reports come on. Like, hi, by the way, the world is ending. Everything's out the window, dude. Fucking, sucking, eating babies, not wearing clothes. Doritos, I'm going into the Doritos stash of this place.

Sir, could you please direct me to the Doritos locker? Exactly. Brick Ritos? There's like, there's that room with all this stuff. Shotguns, and then right next to it is the room with all the Doritos. Equally locked up, by the way. Oh, you'd have to, dude, on a cruise, forget it. It's like you need two guys to use keys at the same time.

The captain opens it up, throws a bag to the first mate. Lock and load. We're going to have to go to the emergency provisions, the Doritos. The jalapeno ones. Yep. It's going to have to happen now. Oh, yeah, dude. Now, Eric, at least let me ask you, would you at least start wearing shorts then?

Would your modesty allow being on a cruise at the end of the world to show your cap? I feel attacked right now because people listening that follow me on Instagram saw me in shorts in Florida. But that was a breakthrough. Do they know that? That was, it happened once. Maybe it'll happen again. Who knows? Fingers crossed.

So, but this thing, it's a pretty good cap size. It's not too bad. weird. You know, though, I need to see George Segal getting fucking spit right out the other side of this boat. He's like hanging on to a fucking table leg, you know. And Chewytel Edge before his dad like, falls off the wagon?

Okay, congratulations. I mean, like, yes, definitely. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. You throw all those fucking coins in the ocean. Exactly. And it's a profound struggle and God bless you all for doing it. But you know what? At the end of it all. Oh, I'm getting it wet, dude. My whistle and my weiner. to ask which one. So they find, whatever,

they realize that they can't land this stupid plane. What they're going to do is they're going to get these cars drive off or something, right? It's just like Fast and Furious, part seven, I believe. And I'm so stupid. I'm watching this movie. I'm just like, that sounds smart

because there's airbags and seatbelts. I mean, listen, when you're in this position, I mean, there are worse ideas. This is kind of like a cargo plane. It doesn't seem like there's much seating for these people. No, I mean, this Russian dude says, like, he had this plane specifically because they were in Vegas. For the car show. Yeah, this, like, Las Vegas cars show or something.

And so, yeah, so they all, they, you know, shoot out this, the cargo bay there. And Sasha is going to bravely sacrifice himself. Right. And he thinks he's going to make it, but then he doesn't. before a Bentley commercial where it's like the car won't start and he's like, oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Engine start. Oh, the voice control. These Bentley's, oh, you're so good car. This is good car. They hit the snow, the plane's going down. It's all the handling of this car. You know, man, when I'm facing the end of the world, end time, such as it is,

I like to get my Lincoln. I've been driving around the Chinese ice desert. or whatever's happening in this movie. I've been driving a Lincoln before the world was ending. Oh, by the way, yeah, if the world is ending, the wild turkey is in the car with me. That's for gosh darn short. I will finally

combine both of those commercials. And I might be eating a baby sandwich. You never know the end of the world, man. Wild turkey is also the nickname for Guy Fieri. He's in that backseat. Oh, that's right. They're best buddies. They are best friends. What do you think Guy Fieri

is calling Matthew McConaughey. Oh, good one. Connie? Connie might be. Come on, Connie. McCann. McCann. The McCann, maybe. I think it's something like, it's like way not even to play on his name.

Like he's calling him the colonel for no reason. For no reason he's calling him the colonel. I bet you're fucking row. We're rolling out. We're spending Turkey Day at the Colonel's house. After this year. Wait, what's Danny Glover's saying? Wait, what? After this year, he's absolutely calling a moon dog, though. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. I kind of just want to call a moon dog. Now, if Guy Fierry was cooking a baby up on the end of the world, that might be something. Not a bad situation. You know, covered in donkey sauce. Donkey sauce. There's definitely bacon involved. You're rendering the fat.

A total sick side of guac, dude. Human bacon, right? Absolutely. Yeah, it would be pretty good. So Sasha bites, it's a pretty good. This plane falls up. It kind of like slowly teeters down this. cliff and then just blows up Bronson style.

And this oligarch's girlfriend who's been barely a character up to this point is now sort of a character. She's like, no, oh no, it's him. And like you kind of realize they might have had something going on. There's a thing beforehand where they sort of exchange looks like you see it going on. And so like they finally make it to where they're supposed to be sort of this like extraction team picks up only the Russian oligarch and his two twins and the woman and her I'm like, wait, what the fuck?

And he's like, I know you are cheating on me. Goodbye, you woman. By the way, why wouldn't I have left you at any other point but now? Here's why, dude. Just in the off chance, there's a moment for an end of time's hand job. Oh, okay. Well, also keep Sasha happy, keep unsuspectory. Oh, that's a good point.

Oh, right. You need your pilot, even better than my hand job, Ethereum. Because he's like, you are not worth one billion euros. Oh, right, right, right. And like, then the other family is like, well, yeah, I guess this makes sense. We never had a chance in hell to get on this boat. Q6's like, well, yeah, you know, you can't beat the system. Best of luck.

They go off. And then this other family that has been barely a factor in this film. Oh, the Chinese family? Yes. Yeah. They just run into each other. And they're like, oh, you know, our son helped build the arc. So we're good.

You want to come with? Yeah, go come with. Come on twice. They're good in the sense that like this dude is like sneaking his brain. brother and the two grandparents. By the way, they didn't expect to even hit like China and the Himalayas here. It's a, like

the earth was a thousand feet away, like we said earlier. And it was apparently Jackson Curtis knew about this as Earth crust displacement theory. Oh, right. From like 1958. Because it's part of one of Woody Harrelson's huge

like ramble offices. He's in his jib jib. He's like, Professor Hapgood knew about this. And, like, there's actually a scene in the plane where he's, where John Cusack's like, oh, my God, Professor Hapgood. Charlie was right. It's awesome. Let's go. And so, like, the last act of this movie, which takes forever.

It's insane. This is the movie that refuses to end. Because it's, it's basically we, the A story is Kusack and the team are trying to smuggle onto the boat. B story is Chuitel Edge of Four is like, we need to save as many people as possible because, like, like four of the five arcs aren't ready so it's like there's a lot of people left it in uh no it's that they're all ready and then it's it's arc

number three which this fucking Lugash motherfucker there's Russian oligarch supposed to get on when one of the shifts happened or something the cave fell in and destroyed like the ceiling of this arc so they're not letting anyone on this

one arc and everybody's like well sorry dude you were arc number three that's where y'all got to go Whoops. Well, it's just like, oh, no, wait here. Another arc is going to come in. No, no, no, no, no. You just wait.

Your arc will be here in 20 minutes. Well, it's, what, it's rerouting. It's now 25 minutes. He's just turning in circles. There's nine, nine arcs near me. I don't understand. Why not this arc? Why not that arc?

Oh, this arc has two star rating. So whatever. And Stephen McHaddy is involved at this point? When you need a surly guy to play? a surly military guy? You call Stephen McCaddy immediately. I love this dude. Batched Willem Defoe clone, Stephen McCaddy.

By the way, the Indian scientists Sattam calls up and is like, hey, yeah, like, by the way, no one ever came to pick me up. Look for you guys. Like, yeah, that's a fuck you phone call. This is like a fuck you phone call. Like, hey, now you get to listen

to my family, die. That is an amazing thing. It's a power move. It's a power move. But it happens multiple times in this movie. And when this dude and his family fucking eats shit, I've had the thought, there are multiple times in the film 2012

where a person or an entire family's demise is telegraphed over a telephone that someone left on. Yeah. Because like George Segal's whole son's family is wiped out over the phone. This dude's like, okay, this is the greatest fuck you phone call of all time. I'm going to leave the call on while this tidal wave fucking kills us all, so you better listen closely. Oh yeah, you know, that wife, that wife that you wanted to fuck all those years?

Or maybe you did fuck? I don't know. Who knows? She's about to drown to death. So fuck you, buddy. And also, I found all of your comments really inappropriate. Always pissed me off. I just want you to know that before I die. Her fish curry was fucking delicious, and you are an animal good day.

You know, I didn't want to say, she said that a couple pairs of her underwear were missing from her drawer after the last time you came here. Okay. But now you're going to get rid of it. Wow, it really put me in my place. Wow, that guy died. But to this point, like the B story is. chew it till edge if we're like doing all these impassioned speeches about the nature of humanity. Right. And there's like workers that are not going to be admitted. And for some reason, because this movie lives in a capitalist fantasy, that people would still be like working for rich people to get them on their pleasure cruises to them. And they know that they're going to die. But hey, you know, it's a couple of dollars that I'll never spend.

It's this weird. The movie walks this line where like half of it is like, look at this. As if money really matters. And then the other half is like, no, but money really matters. Yes, it's very much money matters. And I just think people should be cutting heads off here. There should be a pirate arc. Someone should have taken it over. Dude, that's the sequel. The People's Republic arc.

I get on the ship's like, oh, look, it's that Russian oligarch. It's like, oh, his head looks weird. And it's just me wearing his head as a hat. And I'm wearing a jacket. And I just kind of walk around like, yes, he's me a Russian oligarch. I think that Russian oligarch is just two dudes in a trench coat. I would honor that fucking ticket, dude.

Absolutely. But you're totally right, though, because there's a part in this movie where Oliver Platt is standing up to Chewetel and his speech, and he's like, okay, so you think that this is unfair? That's fine. Why don't you sacrifice your ticket?

And your ticket, Tandy Newton, to just some fucking schlub out there. Oh, you're not going to do it. Got it. Yeah. And it's like, all right, man, you're kind of just putting everybody in an impossible scenario right now.

But the other, so whatever. and like there's all these giraffes on this boat's very important the giraffes get a lot of play so like the last but the last like active QSAC is they they run run into the dude from the dark night by the way the crooked accountant that the joker wants to kill oh wow yeah man good pull and he's like he's like he's he's like the lead one of the machine guys he's like I'll sneak you guys in after a long scene he sneaks them in and like all this shit starts going wrong wrong this like this it's like a fucking it's a it's a bad like platformer game level like you have to make sure you jump right or else the thing is going to come down yeah and like listen this movie is literally 40 like it's 40 minutes longer than it was initially intended to be because of a storyline where someone can't close a door yes we can't close a door and this movie lasts for 40 more minutes they drop a fucking jackhammer into it and like you would think that these things would be built a little better

that they can just crush up a jackhammer or something? No, no, no. Well, there's also like a cable that gets wrapped around this like gear thing. They also drop a stepdad into it as long as Tom McCarthy played by, I would be playing Gordon. Yeah, it's pretty good his death. So they're all like it's,

everyone makes it out except for like this one guy, the guy from the Dark Night, Tom McCarthy and Cusack. The guy of the Dark Night gets his leg kind of fucked up a little bit. And then Tom McCarthy's like, oh, but I'm going to make it. Oh, wait, what? As he's going into this fucking gears getting crushed to death, he, like, gives

this look to Cusack, like, wait, I'm not going to make it? And I was hoping for the Gremlin going in the Shredder. I wanted, like, Splatterville. And, like, also they kill off Tamara, the Russian girlfriend. Yes. Like, she drowns to death. It's a pretty bad drowning. Her dog survives.

She calls it from the platform. Yeah. The little dog has a little heroic scene of, like, climbing cable. It's very similar to the scene in Independence Day when the dog makes it through a fox. Yeah. I love Tom McCarthy's death so much in this movie. And I was saying this off the air, but I want to say it for the folks at home as well. It reminded me of that Simpsons where they do the film festival and Apu's movie is like him getting held up.

And then it's the security footage of Wiggum with his tie stuck in the hot dog roller. And it's like, is it going to get worse before I get. it's better. Because it's the same slow motion. He's just slowly like, are you going to fucking do, no, nothing? All right, all right. Okay. I guess no, I'm dead. I'm dead. Like, correct me if I'm wrong, but

I didn't hear a single scream. No, there's no scream. He just kind of goes down quietly. Well, it's a living. Because he's a doctor. He's like, well, this is the medical way to die. Silently. Let me just text Noah one last time before I go down. Goodbye, little one.

Oh, man. This movie become, my God, little one. This movie becomes like John Cusack swimming back in to try to fix the fucking door so it closes because now it's flooding. And they even say it's a suicide mission and this should be where he has the Kurt Russell death. There's this weird horny goodbye he gets from Amanda Pete. Do I'm glad you caught that. It's a weird one man. Like there's one, like they're exes and maybe there's some unresolved stuff.

She kisses. It's one that needs to get a kiss from your ex-wife on your way to death. But it's like a, it's a steamy kid. It's like a, hey, is anybody looking? Real quick, is anybody looking? Before you go close that door, is anybody looking? I want to send this guy in the afterlock into the afterlife with half a stock, dude. That's what I'm trying to do.

Absolutely. Which is a little halfy going. Dude, try swimming with an erection. Just fucking. That's what I'm saying. That's the havesies about. You know, you don't want to go full boat. It's cruel.

It's cruel is one of it is. I guess it like slows you down then. Right? Yeah, dude. You drop an anchor. There's definitely resistance. Yeah. Yeah. So, despite his erection, he gets back to the fucking door gears. And I just wanted to pull out bones from fucking Gordon.

That would have been awesome, dude. Oh, I see the problem. It's the skull and these glasses. Oh, got a femur caught in here. Let me get this out real quick. So get these dockers out. At least what they should have done. They should have had his head roll out like in jaws. Yeah. Because he's pulling out the fucking jackhammer. And it's a big thing. It'd be so fucking like, Oh, do a sound scare of his fucking head floating by. By the way, the kid, boy, Noah goes with his dad finally. Oh, right.

What a wiener. And that's, when that happens, I'm like, oh, well, now they're going to make it. Exactly. Once you introduce the child into that scenario, Cusack's coming out. But then, and so that's one fake out death and he makes it, blah, blah, blah. And then, like, the kid makes it to the next area. And they're like, where's your dad? He was right behind me.

Oh, my God. He was right behind me. And everyone starts to mourn him again for the second time in 20 minutes. stepdad, not a single mourn. No one gives a shit. By the way, the only reason you're alive is a stepdad because that guy was a fucking pilot. And his pilot, it turned out.

Absolutely. Yeah, no, there's a weird thing where Amanda Pete is just like, Gordon. And Cusack's like, nah. Like, he kind of shakes his head. And she's like, me. Yeah, now that did you give me this horny kiss real quick. By the way, let's review that security footage again.

John Cusack, were you pushing him into those games? Oh, I'm reaching for you. Oh, oh, I can't get your hands. Too bad the global court system has dissolved at this point because Cusack would have been fucking investigated, dude, guarantee. Definitely, definitely. So whatever, but he, and like the second or third death fake out, he makes it through. And everyone's like, yay, Daddy's alive.

And then Amanda P.S. Because I was like, look, I thought you were going to die. I know that was very horny, and I know he's got a full stock now because you think there's something going on here, but there's nothing. I just thought you were going to die. I wanted to send you off to the good, you know, good grace. Humoring you, kiss. I know I still got it and everything.

Wouldn't this be a grand moment for a crazy fucking twist to this movie? It's like, where's John Cusack? Where's John Cusack? He didn't come through that vent. He was right behind me. Cablamo fucking deep rising sea monster comes out. What have we unearthed? Yeah.

Why not? It wasn't the jackhammer at all. It was the monster. The monster's tentacle guy. Oh, I'm caught. But shit. I mean, like, and that's sort of the end of the movie. We cut to like a year and a half later or some bullshit.

And like, Chowicea for is like, and Danny Newton are just hanging out. She's finishing John Cusack's amazing book. Oh, yeah. She's like, breathlessly reading it. Oh, my God. The way that she finishes this book, right, is so horny. Oh, yeah. That I was like, oh, they're fucking now.

That's cool. It's like a month later or whatever. They're like, oh, they're fucking, that's fantastic. But they're not, because immediately after that, he asks her out on a date. And it's like, why were you so breathlessly reading that novel like that? It looked like they're sharing the room. Yes, exactly. She's moved in.

And, like, you know, there was only like 75 spelling mistakes in that. But the weird thing is like... It's really needed an editor. I can tell why this sold foreign... It would be funny if she was reading it. She's like, and that is why humanity survived. Oh, my God, you're right. book is hilarious. This book

is amazing. Who even published it? That would be awesome. She just hated it. But no, but like, and usually in situations like this where it's like, oh my God, Oliver Platin never says, like, there's not enough food for these people. Like that, that should be it. Because it's like, you know what I mean? Like, that's what

these arcs and spaceships and all should be like that. It's like, it doesn't make sense that you could just add on 100,000 other people. Oh, by the way, we didn't talk about the Russian oligarch who gets it really bad. God, yeah, he does. I forgot about this. So like, the The, whatever, the little, like, the platform. The platform is rising up to close.

And him and his two little weird kids are the last ones. And the one kid gets up. And then the other one can't reach him. And so Lugosh, in all his infinite heroism, tosses this kid up so that the brother catches his hands and pulls him up. And he does a wah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wah, wah, it just falls. Oh, it's phase first. And you follow him for a while.

He's going, ah! It's fucking hilarious. This dude really gets it. Kind of the best death in the movie outside of Tom McCarthy. So that's like Chichotel and Danny Newton. They're like, oh, they're going to get together. And we cut to John Cusack and his family. And the little girl goes, has the fucking audacity to turn to her father.

But, Daddy, when can we go home? And he said, sweetheart. Remember when a little girl got killed last week for asking that question? Everyone is really, really not in the mood for the fake naivete bullshit, all right? Like everyone is on really, really high strung about going home. It's a weird thing. Everyone you know is dead. You know this.

You know this. We've talked about this multiple times. Everyone you know is dead. There is no home. Grandma, she's dead. Your cat? Oh, he's dead. Your favorite Disney Channel show?

They're dead. They're all dead. Then it becomes this bullshit thing of this like, well, Africa is doing great. Now that there's no people left on it, we could settle there. Well, that's what's confusing, though, because I'm pretty sure the line is something about, like, all the water is receding faster than we thought. And also, many parts of Africa weren't even touched by the, like, water shifting.

So I think there are still people. And they were, like, raised up. Yeah, like, the cape of good hope. They should show them, like, dock the arcs and then instantly get murdered. That would be great. They're like, oh, sorry, no room. Keep moving. Yeah, but, I mean, what is this message?

Like, oh, we're going to recolonize Africa? Africa now with more fucking white people from all the all rich people well it's also because it's a stupid like you know that's like the cradle of civilization so it's like we're going back and it's like man

way to fucking lay it on movie thanks for nothing I mean from all the other devastation it should be at least Skull Beach down there oh do Kong rules that would be nice President Kong oh it's so dumb also when we're doing this like

it's 27 days later and the only reason, like a month and 27 days later, the only reason you know, or no, I think it's 27 days exactly, because the thing that comes up is day 27, month one, year one. Oh, right, yeah. So at some point, they all had a fucking meeting about resetting the calendar. And this goddamn movie about the end of the world

and civilization rejiggered forever ends with a girl saying she's no longer going to piss her pants. Yeah, dude. Fantastic. Hey, great, sweetheart. I'm glad my entire fucking family is dead. I don't piss my pants anymore. Well, I'll keep her away from the coastline because it's nothing but skeletons washing up every fucking day.

Right? There'd be so many skeletons. You're totally right. The amount of skeletons in this world would be a skeleton planet. Think about how sometimes you see those, like, weirdo, like, not news stories where it's like a bottle washed up on a, uh, a, uh, a, a beach in Washington State turned out to be a letter and a bottle sent from France

40 years ago. You see those things every now and again? It would be that, but a hundred times worth, worse, and all with bones. Yeah, it's just skeletons. Just bones. Just bones. Everywhere. You start calling them people sticks just to stop freaking out the kids. Oh, more people sticks, Washington Shore today.

Oh, he's just skipping people sticks down by the shore. It's amazing. That's the end of this movie. He's like, I don't piss the bed. Dad, dat, da, da, da, da, da, end of your movie. It's been two hours and 40 minutes,

ladies and gentlemen. Like, you asked me to sit for that long, and in theaters, by the way, with the fucking previews, that's like three hours and ten minutes, and that's the best you got for me coming out the other end. I don't piss my pants anymore.

Yeah. Even QSack's like, okay. Like big girl pamper's or whoever the fuck put money into this must have really put in a lot. And also good because that entire line

of industry is dead. like most lines of industry. You're just wearing shirts for diapers. Or the skin of the dead. Oh, yeah, that absorbs really well, actually. You can piss in a flesh diaper, dude, and it's just, you can piss for... You don't say flesh diaper!

No! Now that there's no more plumbing, they're just skulls. You just pissing skulls. You just like lean over a fucking open skull and take a shit and then hawk it out your window. Oh, Lord, would anybody recommend this movie?

No, no, no, no. It's incredibly long. I like myself a good disaster movie. I love an end-of-the-world movie. Sure. There are some good kills, but it's just so much padding to get where you want to go. It's insanely long. Yeah.

Skip it. It's bad. And it's too long. Yeah, I mean, it definitely is too long. I think the fleeing L.A. sequence is kind of cool visually, but other than that, this movie's got nothing going for it. It doesn't, and I agree with that, except for the fact that this is kind of the ultimate hangover movie.

Oh, wow. The length will do you good here. If you're watching this on TNT, man, this is like a four and a half hour production. It will take you from, you'll be able to sleep it off with this movie. And after that initial hour, like, it's kind of quiet. It's true. It is. Yeah.

You get like ocean sound. Actually, you get some Danny Glover ASMR going on a little bit as well. That'll get you to sleep. I'm coming home, Dorothy. Oh, yeah, that did it. All right. I want you to take it out. That's not what ASMR is, ladies and gentlemen.

It is now. Okay. I thought I had something else to say about it, but now I'm just thinking about Danny Glover doing ASMR, man. My lord, that is 2012 directed by Roland. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHM Podcast.com or head over to patreon.com slash we hate movies. We got a stellar Independence Day commentary up right now. We also have an episode of Forrest Gump, only allowed, only allowed by the internet on Patreon.com.

That's true. The only way you can hear it, it's a fun episode. It's a real fun episode. Oh, yeah, we have a lot of fun batting that movie around a little bit. And it might be controversial, so, you know, we have to obviously put it behind the pay walls so that, you know, it doesn't become... You know what the normie's listening in. Exactly.

No, you've got to pay if you want to get mad at us for this one. Yeah, you're not allowed to get mad unless you pay for it. And it's okay to like a move. It sure is. Now, I'm juggling release dates here as to you say it, but I do believe the summer blockbuster extravaganza is continuing into next week. What do we got on the back burner? I'll tell you what you could do, my friend.

You could lick my bunghole, motherfucker. It's taking of Pelham. One, two, three. the remake. Oh, man. Kind of, I would say, one of the most long-awaited motion pictures to be covered on this show. Speaking which, I think it's super long, too. I think that's over two hours. God damn it. People don't know how to make a move anymore, everybody. That's true. But this is like one of the most requested episodes in show history. And we'll be putting it out next week on the summer blockbuster extravaganza. And apologies in advance if you did not get Steve's reference. Until

next time. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zad, Akris, Gavin. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.