We Hate Movies - S9 Ep437: Episode 437 - Gone in 60 Seconds (Live in D.C.)

Episode Date: August 13, 2019

On this week's Summer Break episode, the gang is live from the D.C. Improv chatting about the super-silly Nicolas Cage remake, Gone in 60 Seconds! What's with Cage's character's name in this? What on earth is with that Giovanni Ribisi breakfast recipe? And how long do those two guys wait for that dog to... give back those keys? PLUS: PUR-PLE! RAIN! Gone in 60 Seconds stars Nicolas Cage, Giovanni Ribisi, Angelina Jolie, Scott Caan, Will Patton, Delroy Lindo, Timothy Olyphant, Chi McBride, Robert Duvall, Christopher Eccleston, Vinnie Jones, and Grace Zabriskie; directed by Dominic Sena. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Satiate your thirst for live we hate movies by enjoying Gone in 60 Seconds, the remake live from Washington, D.C. Look at this fucking asshole. I was going to skirt up this time. What's going on, gang? Thanks for coming out this evening. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin.

Eric Siska. And I didn't drop my notes. I'm Steve Kuh. We Are We Hate Movies from New York City. Thank you so much for coming out this fine evening. This is Night 2 of the East Cage Tour. Last night we talked about, like, Jesus aliens or some shit. That's the one.

And I think the plot of the movie tonight is kind of the movie. the exact same thing. Alien cars. This is gone in 60 seconds from the year 2000. Directed by Dominic Sennah. We did another movie of his. Swordfish.

Right, yeah. Racist. Also, with Vinnie Jones. I guess everyone who works with Vinnie Jones is like, I want that guy back. That guy's got it. Maybe he's like a dream to work with, dude. Like a dream.

Like a dream. Like a total dream. say a nightmare a living nightmare it looks like Frankenstock yeah you have to look at that every day he does I don't real quick how many of you guys are familiar with the show we run on the internet that's good to hear for those of you don't know we are a podcast also known as internet radio to old people what's that silly is or what like that's exactly what that's Where we take a movie of varying degrees of quality, depending upon the week.

And I kind of just make fun of him, poke the bear a little bit. And that's what we're going to do here tonight, with the remake of Gone in 60 Seconds. Oh, it's a remake? It's a remake. Oh, yeah, of a movie. Also, come on a 60s and they made a movie. Right. And they went and made it again.

They made it again, man. I believe it. Actually, no, it's a concept album by Joni Mitchell. He's like, only Nick Cage can be in this. How many of you guys saw this movie before we announced the tour? How many you guys saw it because someone was like, hey man, you've got to come to the show, but it's probably good that you watch is a bad movie. A lot of suffering out here tonight, so that's great.

There's like breaking news, though. I think that we have to address before this. There's a Cajuning happening. There's a Cajuning happening. He's been in the news a lot lately. Well, now he's in the news, for a really great reason, a public freak out. Did anybody see this, first of all?

Oh, a couple people did. For those of you don't know, he just got married for like 72 hours. Then instantly had it annulled. And then had a public freak out at a Korean karaoke bar screaming the words to Purple Rain. And there's video. This is why you always have the Batman soundtrack

in your karaoke song. That party man is what he wanted. I'm going to fight you on freak out, though. This is like a glee out. He's like thrilled. He's so excited. The freak out is like, do you know who the fuck I am? But he's like really enjoying singing that song.

She's fucking gone. So he's a Fox television show? Yes. He's like teaching kids. Yes, he'd be the gym teacher in that scenario. What's the name of the show? Glee. Oh, Glee.

There's a new show called Public Freak Out. He's just like, pur-ball, he's trying to get the crowd to go with him. And I don't even know who the crowd is. It's like six people, and dude, they are on the journey, man. Pur-ball, right? Woo! Woo! They can't answer to the...

All the way back. Does he, like, spit a bunch of water, like, staying? Like... That was Triple H, my friend, sorry, but I don't know. I don't care. Triple H was the one that he stuck your head between his legs and then he sat on you. Was the finisher move?

That was my dad. All right, Stephen, it's time for the finisher. And you have to do that every night. Oh, yeah, man. You'll tuck you in with my butt. Time to say your prayers. So, yeah, this is about Cartheeves. About a hundred different car thieves.

It's like a million people in this movie. The math in this movie doesn't make any sense. I think that's what we have to address up front. Well, I think it's like Hannibal where the world is full of serial killers. This was just full of car thieves. Oh, more like John X. Will of Hitman. Yeah, there you go. But there's too many of them for this particular heist.

You got nine people breaking balls to keep Giovanni Ribisi out of, you know, the sea. Whatever's going to happen to this guy. But it's all for like 200 grand. You're risking your life for like $13,000. It's a chop championship kind of a thing. People have made more money putting Doritos into a salad than they have in stealing 50 cars in a night. All right, we got film, I got a Ferrari.

These are the special ingredients. It's a movie here, I said. Yeah, we were trying to do this last night because last night's movie was from 2009 So this is 2000 and it's like he's not yet looking like a scarecrow? He's still looking kind of like normalishishish cage. This is downers cage. Oh, okay He was about to move into the crack cocaine phase. Gotcha Allegedly Allegedly to nobody thinks he did crack cocaine

I do Would you When you, like, when you get a hairpiece and it's dyed, do you dye a hairpiece or you just buy a different one? It's like a new hat, a fun new hat to wear it. What about like a variety pack? Oh, okay, yeah. So you can like dress yourself for the occasion? Yeah, you've got to go pink one at home, you're like, I'm just never going to wear.

I have a labyrinth of wigs in my Romanian castle. Dangness. Only half of them have sideburns attached to this. I think he buys the pieces set from like a Costco. This isn't fancy hair of pieces. The top of his head is blonde in this, and the rest is dark brown. Maybe he spilled something. That was the same.

Maybe this. Give me the Zach Morris. I'm 41 years old. I don't want to look like a surfer dude. Hey, time out. Fix my fucking hair. Yeah, go ahead. Oh, no, it's about him and his brother, Giovanni Irovisi,

or family of car thieves. He's his brother's name, Kipp, by the way. Right? Yes, and he's Memphis Rains. Man, that's done. I think the rules should be, if you're not like a legendary blues musician, that name's off limits.

It's just off limits. If you're going to do that, the whole family has to get in. It can't be Kip, it has to be like Austin. Austin Rains. His mother, Boston Rains. Austin and Boston. I was just giggling to myself about two cities rhyming.

There was literally nothing going through my brain. And so Giovanni Rabeci opens this movie with a bad car thing that he does. A theft. It's a real botch job. It is a real botch job. It's a crime.

Oh. You wouldn't steal a car, would you? He's not a victimless crime. What did I say? No, I'm just clarified. I'm hard of hearing. No, but he's stealing this Porsche, and he's like, oh, I need my tool. And it's like a wrench?

Yeah, that's a bad joke. It's also, why does he, I think it's a Giovanni Ribisi thing where he sounds messed up all the time. He's made a fortune on it. Yeah, that's his acting method. He's like, meh, uh-huh. That's his method, not his habit. Yeah. Allegedly.

So the team is as follows. This is Giovanni Ribisi, the dude who's Frank and Donnie Darko. Yeah. And also that guy is the best line in Independence Day. Russell! What are you doing? dude is on the other side of town I would argue it's the best light of

Dottie Darker The hell you're doing in the middle of the road Oh? It's also a great... Yeah, you're right. And then another dude who they were like, Hey man, you could be in this movie but here's the thing.

We tried to get Dave Chappelle. Chappelle said no. But everything's written as if Dave Chappelle was going to say it. So you just kind of have to do a subpart Dave Chappelle impression. The guy was like, Yeah.

That's Mirror Man. A lot of fun names in this movie. Everybody's got a fun name. Or Angelina Jolie's Sway? Yeah. All right. She looks like she's from the planet Cyclone. Dude, I don't know what is going on.

She's like one of those vampire twins from Matrix. It's like a sexy version of the witch in Roman Hood Prince of Bees. Yes. I was wondering why I was so horny watching this. She's doing that thing that actors do for no reason, where she's got, like, like, artificially colored contact lenses. What does that give to this character? The answer. It may surprise you, is absolutely none.

It's just a scary. Also, Scott Kahn's name is Tumblr. And I was just hoping the rest of them would go, like, all social media, like, Giovanni Rebus, you can be Twitter. Myspace, what are you doing? Oh, no, they pinched MySpace. MySpace would get pinched. Also, this kind of con looks enough like a little Rottweiler.

Don't give them like a dog's name anyway. You know a dog named Tumblr, do? Tumblr. Ruffles? What did you say? That's a dog's name, isn't it? Well, it's more than Tumblr. I would bet there is a dog, out of all dogs in the world,

there's got to be a lot, right? Yeah. It's been my name of Ruffles. They talk a lot, so yeah. They would be everywhere. Do you guys know that dogs have sex often? So he steals this car. He steals this car by driving it out through the fucking window.

Nice and discreet. Love it. And he gets pinched, yes? Almost. Like, they go back to this, like, chop house or whatever, and they have, like, the list of cars in black light, ever, and they're crossing it off, and then the cops come, because he just does

this as brazenly as you could do anything. Yeah, well, he's, you know, he's a reins, man. He's like, royalties, car theft, he very royalty. The only rule you have to have as a car thing is not get noticed. Yeah. What he does is a great boubon commercial in the middle

of the road on his way after smashing the Porsche window. And then, so this is where two amazing actors slumming in this movie come in, because they get busted. The cops come in, they scrammed, they leave all these cars that they've been systematically stealing poorly.

And in comes Delroy Lindo and Timothy Oliphant. They're just car detectives? Yeah. Car cops. They're just car cops, dude. Car cops, car cops. What you're gonna do? Their badge just has a little tow truck

on it. Yeah, they might as well be mechanics. There's more mechanics than they are cops. Mechanics with guns. And like later on, like, homicide is like, leave this guy alone or whatever, and they're like, fuck you, homicide, cars are at stake. Murder. Okay. I'll get right on the mafia.

This Ford Explorer is missing. So they're on the hunt. Yeah, so we realize, so he's been kidnapped, he's been kidnapped as the whole thing. And there's trouble afoot. And then we cut to, it takes a little too long to get to him, in my opinion, Nicholas Cage, who's out of the life. He's retired from being a car thief. And he's like coaching kids racing dune buggies with go-carts or some shit.

And later, he says to his mother, Grace Sibrisky, I send you money. What money? That's a great point. Is it like five bucks? It's a go-car place in the middle of the desert. That's it. That's what he's sending home. It's like John Steinbeck's desert too.

Like racing go-karts. What money are you taking a saw buck? Are you sending a saw-book home? Mother, I worked for four weeks and we have enough to ride the go-carts around. Every time a go-car goes down, I'll be there. But he's like telling one kid that he took a second off of his best lap time. What are you coaching these kids for? Are there leagues of, like, go-kart racing?

Is that a thing? It must be a thing. There are so many things out of it. Dogs have sex frequently? Go-carts. You ride them around? Has a dog ridden a goat-cutter? Definitely.

Someone said yes. Do you know, have you ever seen an episode of America's Funniest Own videos? Of course, they do. They surf, they ride skateboards. That show is all videotaped crimes, more of it. What are the light assaults, essentially? Yeah, exactly. So much broken balls.

Like, oh, here's your Earth Day cake. Oh, wait, I stepped on your head. Whoops, I stepped on your head. Wow, yeah. Now, I never thought about the lyrics to that theme song before, but it's like really turning a fucking mirror back on it. It's just haunting, man. It is. Look at you fucking morons. Look at all you do.

America's funny as some videos just eventually turned into porn hub, just very simple. No, those videos had to go somewhere, man. Pornow bloopers are a thing, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah, and sometimes DVDs don't need extras. Just putting it out there.

You're doing the end credits. Whoop. Let it, like, slip and falls. It's better when they add the sound effects in it. So you don't have to make them yourself in all. Well, you'd have to have Bob Sagitt narrowing. Saggett would kill it that dude. That's a whole other career opportunity for that guy. Well, do you know that that guy does a lot of swears?

He's been like surprising people that he curses for like 30 years. He's a dirty grandpa. Oh, yeah, he is. So like, look, Patten comes to and he's like, hey, look, your brother has been kidnapped by this guy and you've got to come and steal these

cars or else he's going to get killed. By the way, before we're talking, again, nice cold Pepsi. Oh, yeah, dude. bold product placement. Will Patton's like the... Pepsi.

I couldn't believe that. The lower third it just said Pepsi. Will Patton, who looks like he cuddles up at night with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Yeah, I'll have a Pepsi. And this crime boss

has built a coffin, poor Kip? What's his name? Randy Cacciatore? Ray Kaleitri or something. Yeah. Christopher Ekleston, one of the doctors. That is like such a nice thing to do to build a coffin for you.

Because those things are expensive. What is he? He's also buying a plot for you? That's right, I'm gonna kill your brother and the service is gonna be beautiful. I've thought of a plot that's sitting up on a tree so he can look out and see the water. $1,000 dollars on this. Because that's the thing, his, like, he's, like, barely in this movie, kind of bookends,

and his, like, gimmick is, like, I love woodwork. It's sort of something. It's a thing. Yeah. If you need your villain to have a thing, that's a thing. I guess they can't all like classical music. You're like halfway to a character now, right? You got the title as a crime boss.

Right. You got the hobby. Yeah. Why do we just need some scenes? Just give his villain some scenes, man. I think that's how they pitched it to him. He's not in this movie enough. At all.

Well, he's too busy making coffins for people. I'm going to make you a nice chair. Would you like a Davenport? Ooh, that would be nice. But it just doesn't make any sense because he's going to kill Giovanni Ramizi with a car crusher. Yeah. You're not using that coffin.

He's full of shit. He's full of shit. Is he smooth for other people now? Well, yeah. Well, I don't know. Like, maybe that's a side business. You know another famous carpenter criminal. Jesus?

Yes. He was wanted by the state of the old. Yeah, that's true. They had his face in all the post offices. My favorite thing about the car compactor is, okay, so they get Nicholas Cage back here. Right. Giovanni Rubisi wakes up from being knocked out

in this car crusher, handcuffed to it, with the thing already happened. And Chris Eccleson's like, Your brother's here, he's like, oh, shit. That's the thing that's really scary to him. Not the thing that's going to turn him into jelly. Well, he's already accepted his own fate, man. And now just, now family's going to watch.

Well, he saw the cough, and he's kind of, well, that's not that bad. But when you're in a car crusher, man, he's a little cube. Just get his urns. Scrape it in there. Get a fucking Amazon box. A mom. Tape it back up. What you need is a mop.

Oh, sure. And then you bring it out into the car. dogs fucking a okay ringing out human flesh oh no oh no two dogs in a coffin I'll get wet too I'm gonna get wet too I understand Eric

that's where you're coming from that's what Bob Barker's like tact should have been this whole time he's aggressively talking about cat sex Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, it's a spay or neuter your pets, or this is going to happen, then show it at the end. I hope you all ready for non-stop screeching. Don't you want to stop the screams?

I don't let that cough with us. Anyway, back to the prices, right? Guess I watch this can of soup cost. So Paige, like the good brother is, of course, comes back in town. He's got to let Mom Raines know what the deal. they meet in a diner and there's these two like beat cops and this guy's on a fucking totally awesome like late 90s cell phone and he's like you're never gonna guess he's here

no he'll never guess no not oh yeah it was him yes it is it's a beverage brands exactly he's not al fucking Gapone he stole some cars six years ago it's fine also are they like tailing his mother just in case kind of a thing no I think it's all just you know luck dude that's why this guy's so excited No, they're telling the mother, because she's Laura Palmer's mother, too.

Oh, right, yeah. Same actress, twin peaks. That's right. She's also on Seinfeld. Do you want to go through the whole film market? She was Susan's mother. Oh, oh, you're right.

Yeah, she's drunk on that show, too. That's why she plays a good mother to Giovanni or Ibiza, who also is always drunk. That's right. Yeah, it goes down. It's genetic, right? You're born drunk, so. You're born drunk? Yes, it's a real tragedy.

Did that the name of your comedy album? Tonight it is. And so, like, yeah, he's like, I'm going to have to break all the promises I made about not stealing cars. So it was just kind of one promise. But it's like the biggest promise. And his old thing was, like, he went away

so that Verbezi wouldn't get, like, caught up in the life of the glamour of stuff. stealing cars. Right, but you know what? I think he left a little too late, man, because he saw how sexy it is. What a sexy life. You know, the move is you stay in town, but you get a real job and show how glamorous that isn't.

Oh, man. Just get a real, like, shit-ass, back-breaking labor kind of job. You're miserable all the time. Be like, see, isn't this so much better than lifting sexy cars? Oh, welcome to Staples. Purple

rank! At Staples, you're fired. Yeah, I'll take a six-pack of Sharper. Woo! Does he woo? Did I miss that? He woo's in it. It's so important. It's such, that's the highlight. I thought you were saying that, like, the people watching him

were doing the woo's. Oh, no, no, no. Because that's like, you're kind of fucking with him. Which makes it sad. You know what I mean? But if he's wooing, that's great, because he's having a great time. He was having a great time.

That's all that I care about that. As long as Nicholas Cage is having a great time. That sad-ass karaoke bar, that's fine by me. Can we talk about the breakfast that Giovanni Urbisi tries to make? Yes. For everyone eating out here, batten down the hatches, made. Fried lug nuts.

Genevon Arbisi, his kid brother, who's like 31 in this movie. He's like, oh, thanks for saving my life, let me make you breakfast. And it's like, he's trying to make a hash. He puts beer, I'm like, okay, that looks like too much beer. beer oh some salt and it's like the whole fucking thing that's when you throw it out you can't save it he tries do he mixes it in maybe he won't notice it's on fire you like fire right it's so unappetizing and he fucking has the audacity to serve it to him I eat it I was just level up the salt with some milk you know what cart crusher that's what that's that that's it's car crusher that that's it's car

You have to be car crush. Some people need to be car crush. Yeah. Not everyone can you see. I'm the only one out here who doesn't have a brother. So I was like from the minute he starts, I'm like, oh yeah, killed him. Oh, let him die.

All these people were making arguments. He's brother, it's family. No, no, no, no, no. They were making these crazy arguments. Like an only child's in a little bit. You know how big yet. So Robert Deval shows up at this point. Like, he's, like, retired, and he's got a gross haircut now.

It's like a scullet. It's a scullet. It's like a scullet mixed with, like, a shemp Howard. He's, like, bald, but then gross it out, and it, like, does a little hookup. And that's where it gets gross. Like, if you want to have the shoe horn, I mean, that's far. The horseshoe, rather. Like, that's okay.

You know, people can do that. People can pull it off. That's fine. Craig D. Nelson's been doing it for 40 years. But it's the like the little whisper. You get the duck's ass. You don't need the duck's that's what it is. That's the technical

terms. But you don't want to like grease that stuff down. I like it. I like it up like that. It's a place where you can hang your coat. You have a keys in your hat. You just put my back of Robert Duval's head. So Duval is like the next person whose life is going to be ruined by associating

with his fucking family. I've been out of this game for a really long time. You want me to throw it all away? again okay yeah for like 14 grand I thought you know what that's like high balling it it's gonna be a lot lower also spoiler alert none of you are gonna see this money at the end of the movie oh we can expense meals fuck so now by now it's set up that they have to steal 50 cars in three days right yeah that's a lot there's a lot 50 ladies oh yeah this is stupid

It's a thing where like, oh, it's like a code word, but everyone's also horny for all these cars, too. It works both ways a little bit. Oh, I want to have sex with cars. It does the famous movie thing where you can't say I want to fuck the car. So he says, they haven't been plucked yet. Ew. That means you want to fuck your car.

Just fuck, it's way less gross. Yeah, I want to pluck Gina, which means I want to have sex with that. Toyota Corolla. He's super fetishizing these cars, man. Of course. I mean, that's, you know, car culture can get really extreme sometimes. Well, it's also funny because, like,

later in the movie Angelina Jolie is getting on, he's like, ooh, I love a sexy Roberta. And everyone's like, oh cool, a lesbian scene? This movie's gonna have some girl on girl in it. It's gonna be great. And by that, I mean a woman inside of a car. I'll watch you take Roberta and then I'll give it some whitewall ties. Oh, man.

I mean, yeah, but oh. I like it. She'd say that after every joke you told him. I like me. But one of the younger guys, the dude from Donnie Darko is like, look at it. it's like, look at it, so Duval's got this chalkboard with all of the cars, the make, model, all that shit,

all the, like, the lady names. It looks like a fucking dumb-ass Glenn Beck presentation. And he's like, hey man, what's with the lady names? And Duval's like, it's sexier that way. But it's actually supposed to be

some type of code so they can talk on the radio, of course. So it sounds like they're just kidnapping women. And that's how you throw off the car class, man. I'll leave that. for the sex trafficking area. We thought this was the channel

where they were talking about the stolen cars, but this is just kidnap girls. Yeah, yeah, uh, I hot-wired Agatha and then put her in a crate. Well, that's really big, too. They're all like old lady names too. It's like, oh yeah, sexy car names like, B and Martha.

Wait, is your car also a name? I'm gonna stop fighting you now. The same car name, bro. I've always wanted to ride two marthers. See, this is how you would get Chris Eccleston out of here. You'd be fine then. Just you know, oh, that's Martha, too? My car is also named Martha.

Still gonna put you in the coffin. You know, actually, in these last three days, I've been putting some really new details there. I made a little duck at the bottom. Also, you were like talking earlier backstage about how you thought this was like a well-crafted coffin? Yeah. I don't know, man. I think it's kind of like a cheap piece of shit. Really? I wouldn't be buried in this?

I mean, you see these like modern coffins, man? They look like fucking space capsules and whatnot? That's a ricky-ass wooden piece of shit. You want to get buried at this box coffin. Let's all just fucking call it what it is. This guy knows what I'm talking. This kid's got it fucking planned out, man. It's the mark six, I got it. I bought it in the back of a wizard magazine.

It cost $3,000. And you're gonna get a James Duhan impersonated before the back pipes in the prison. And by that, I mean me. Then they'll put you in that sunglass case. Shoot you out of planet. That's all I want, man. You're also forgetting, this cask is for Giovanni Ribisi

in this movie. The only thing he should be buried in is a sack. well like an unwanted litter of kittens that's what you do I was thinking more potatoes but dead cats too so yeah they're getting the team together at this point Biddy Jones shows up

there's a lot of like bullshit like terminology in the film somebody's like they're calling up it's like a montage of calling people up Like, oh no, Frankie Fish got scragged. Does anybody have a glossary in this fucking movie? Dumb car terms, thief terms. And Vinnie Jones is not just Vinnie Jones.

He's also a mute and a mortician. Too much. One or the other. But this is exactly how you use Vinny Jones. Think about, you know, if he was mute in that Third X-Men movie. What a fucking gift of that would be He just jumps up And he doesn't have to say anything

He's like, um Because you know what he's there for He's the muscle He still have that stupid suit on Yeah, that's a trouble Yeah, the penis head off the You're talking about the juggernaut The real problem with this is like

He's like silent bobbing Yes, he is silent bobbing And he gets the fine line at the end We all suck what those movies We got it Thank you What did the Kevin Smith movie? What that I mean?

Look, we've seen it, and now we do it again in the end of this movie. Oh, the joke is he talks at the end. Yeah. I'm chasing Amy, which means I'm going after a station wagon. Yeah, we got the battery hooked up to Rebecca. Well, it sounds like someone's torturing that lady. Not my problem.

They're going to kill that poor woman, man. Tell me when an Impala is imperiled impalas. Yeah, I got my hand all up in Lisa's glove box that's right that's not where your hand goes you're looking

for your registration in case the car cops shy McBride is also in this movie he's like he's got a career as a driving instructor but he got a bad

Asian driver joke man dust that off from the fucking 1980s and it's terrible it's a bad joke and it's an old joke. It's doubly shitting. The little buddy Hackett gang.

It is. And you're supposed to be laughing at it in this movie. Slap it at your knees. And it'd be bad. It's just once. Yeah. This thing frames the movie. He keeps running into this woman.

And yeah, he gives that up. Cage meets Angelina Jolie. She's worked two different jobs. She also, like, drinks out of an oil can, which I guess is... It's supposed to be like a hip move. Oh, is that's so hard. hot, it's like she's a transformer. Oh my God,

she's doing my dream. Chugging oil. And they'll show me the dark side of the moon. No, Nicholas Cage, I will not step on you. Just let me crawl up into your big rig. Also stop calling me Amanda.

It is Optimus. Come on, come on, Optimus. Get in on this one. Purple, I was married for 72 hours. Dogged a bullet there. Yes, I have a genitalia, and no, you cannot see it. Maybe I'm just like my father to move.

Optimist, while you were transforming, I just saw your genitalia. You were changing. We do so much of this carpool karaoke nonsense. I want fucking transatlantic. transformer karaoke. Yeah. Is the transformer like singing along with you? Is that the idea?

Yeah, yeah, it'd be fun. Uh-huh. That's it. Which one? Steve, who would you like to sing inside of it? We're gonna be here all night. We're talking transformers, man. Seriously, who would you get inside and sing?

I guess Bumblebee. Yeah. I've been the right answer. It's definitely the most genteel. Actually the most genteel of them, I think, yeah. Well, I'm just short. He's short. It all kind of works out.

I wouldn't want to get lost in fucking side Optimus Prime. You're lost for days. Exactly. Could you, you've been in there for days. The door is to your right. Oh. No, you're right.

It's like going to the bathroom inside of him. I mean, if you're in there for days. So after she drinks gasoline or whatever the fuck, She goes to a other job where she's a bartender and eventually kicks Nick Cage out where he is faced with Thespian Master P. Dude, and here's the thing.

This movie already has too many characters. Master P and like his group of dudes 100% has no time for this movie. No way. Make him say, ugh. Ugh! End this. And this is only to watch Viti Jones

like assault people in the number. nuts for like four minutes. Dude, this same guy gets a kick to the nuts, and then Benny Jones turns around and grabs him. He's trying to get on America's funny. Look at this hilarious accident that happened.

It's funny if you do boi-oy-yo-yo-yo-yo. So many of those videos are fake, by the way. Oh, really? Crisis actors, you're saying? Yeah, dude. Because everybody's trying to win the $10,000. That's a false flag.

It's a false flag in America. funny his funny stone videos. That guy definitely planned to get hit the nuts. Catch him in bed with Bob Sagget. That Bob Sagget turns out he tells dirty jokes. He's been trying to fool America for years being a clean comic. That dude sucks. Alex Jones, not Saggett.

Has anyone seen my kids? Because I am legally prohibited. ever seeing them ever again that's why you don't tell lies about school shootings it makes you a piece of shit that's the reason

can I ask a question really please why are all these people leaving their like good jobs for this like bullshit steal a bunch of cars in a night we're all going to go to jail for $13,000

this is when Memphis Rains calls, you answer, I think. And it's definitely a great idea. When you have Delroy Lindo, your blood nemesis apparently, on your trail, get your old gang back together. That's the ones he knows about. That's the best idea, really. Well, he doesn't want to work with these little kids, man.

Like the dude from Donnie Darko, fake Dave Chabelle. A tumbler. Oh, and Tumblr? And then they have a hacker in the group. Yeah. little weiner well don't forget about the yeah the hacker Pinterest I'm just a bored of things people want it's Pinterest that's literally what that website is I'm imagining like the downtime Scott Khan meets Robert Duval and he's like hey Scotty

you're like a fun house version of your dad is this big you know what I think's going on by the way this is the year 2000, this movie comes out. Scott Conn, he's very short, he's got, like, hair kind of like mine's done up his evening, and he's got the Wolverine Chops, man.

You know what I'm thinking? What's that? I smell a fucking failed audition. That X-Men movie, man, it was the same year. He's like, I'm going to show them what could have been in this Gone in 60 seconds remake. I think it was down to Hugh Jackman or fucking Scott Conn. One of the other, man.

Scott, you're more of a toad. But that went to Ray Park. Sunny Corleone was the Wolverine of that movie. Yeah, short fuse. Too tall, though. He's wearing the wife beater shirt, you know, the whole thing? Right, right, uh, hair height also. Yes, exactly.

Con had the very big perm in that movie. Also a fan of sticking knives in his hands. Yeah. I remember that scene. That was great. Both Wolverine and Sunny Corleone he loved beating up their brother-in-law with a garbage can top. So many shared interests. Was that in the Civil War?

Because there's so many flashbacks to War II. You can never tell Witte actually beat people in the garbage? It's the part in Wolverine's life where he was growing up in the Bronx in like the 1940s. Around there. So yeah, we're moving on.

They're doing stuff. Now they're like casing out all of the cars kind of a thing. All the ladies. These are always the worst part because this is technically like a heist movie. a high octane ice nice but these are right yeah

it's exactly right sugar in the gas tank but these high movies oh put sugar in that gas tank I call my loving sugar would you please get out of my gas tank don't even think about the glove box

I don't think you know what it's actually for Do you think Transformers have registration on them at all time? Oh, yeah, dude. Because of that, you know, robot planet that they're from, you've got to have ID at all time. What's it called? CyberTron.

There we go, see? That's why I love this, man. It's like, when we don't know something, we don't need to be corrected on the Internet weeks later. It's right here, Cybertron, you fat, idiot. It's so much better every people would yell at us in person. But my whole thing is, these research parts of these heist movies, 40 minutes is them just taking pictures and looking at shit.

And Delroy Lindo's trying to find them the whole time. This gets to the problem of this, is that it's not like car theft is a very, like, he can't be a great car thief, you just steal a car. It's not like going into an art museum, you have to take out the security. Yeah. Like, get the car, I think you crash a window and then you've stolen the car. This is why you would be a horrible car thing.

Because as we talked about at the beginning of this conversation, that's what Giovanni Rubisi doesn't he fucking cocks it up? I think it's the great Poupon thing that does it. I think you'd have been fine otherwise. Oh, because he's like drag racing with that dude, you're saying? In the middle of a theft.

Yeah. All cars have doors and ignitions, and that's all you need. So you watch that 50 times. That's exciting. Well, all I'm saying is, like, we all watch that high-octane trailer before we came out here, right? Like, that movie is promising you an experience. And I'm watching dudes, like, with notepads.

It's silver. It's parked here now. It might not be later. So I'm going to take a picture of it just in case. I don't know. Maybe it's a Mabel? I'm going to name all these cards. It's just ridiculous. The women's names.

Mabel, perfect. Sounds like my grandmother. Hot. Oh, yeah, I'm a granny shagger. Oh, I like to fuck vintage cars. You can call this student baker Ingrid. Oh, ew, I can. You're getting all the good ones, man.

The old gross out names. So the ideas they're going to wait to do it all in one night because you don't want everyone to know. You know, I would batch it personally. 50 cars, a couple here, a couple there. Cage explains why that's a bad move, man. One, time crunch. And two, you know, if you're spreading it out like this,

like you're giving the cops more time to find you. See, that was Giovanni Rebusy's idea. Also, you would also be a bad car thing. Wait, so it's smart to steal 50 cars at once? I mean, all the streets are now... His justification is like, before the cops even know what's going on, the boat's headed for wherever the fuck.

It's sailing out for... for the sequel. It would be a great plan if your blood nemesis wasn't already on your ass. The whole fucking movie. Well, I love, so Del Rey-Lindo's thing is like, oh, I'm trying to figure out there was this weird, fragmented black glass at the first crime scene. What could that be? He sends it to a lab.

The guy's like, it's a fucking black blood. I didn't even have to run the fucking test, it's a black glass. It's not. It's like, rule that out. Rule out that. Dude, he cuts to like Delroy Lindo's notepad and just says aliens and he's like,

another lead killed. I almost reached from my magnifying glass, but I don't even need to do that. It's a black. It's like, Dracula question, on it? Dude, speaking of Dracula, by the way.

And coffins, yeah. Made me think vampires made me think the best part of this movie is actually, I was criticizing in the research earlier, but when Cage is casing out like a Ferrari dealership or something, it's the only time in the movie

really that he gets to go like full fucking cage. And he's like pretending to be this like Hollywood douchebag guy. And he's kind of acting like he does in Vampire's Kiss. Oh yeah. It took me way too long to come around to tell you what Dracula reminded me of that. But there's this

thing that this movie at Ocean's Eleven do, which is like, oh, when you're researching crime, you're about to come in, make sure as many people notice you as possible. Be memorable, be funny, for sure. Be entertaining, oh, what a delightful trip. Oh, that's that guy. Yeah, that's a criminal.

You're going to have the biggest mustache, a big cowboy hat, and curse a lot too. Because when he's talking to this Ferrari dealer, he's like, yeah, and I want to drive down Rodeo Drive and have champagne come on my face. And the guy's like, I think we have the car. I don't want this, Ferrari. It looks like a self-indulgent we're trying this.

Oh, right, self-indulgent weiner. What a weird thing to say. That's comparable. Exactly, yeah. Cod cop comes up. This guy was saying self-indulgent we're eating. I never heard anything like it. Those words combined?

I don't even know what champagne cum means. I'll end over and I'll show you. You know, I was gonna. say it, and then I was like, they deserve better. Do they? I don't know. Yeah, they, uh, so, like, it's the night of the big heist, I guess, sort of, right? Sure.

You know, we're getting going. There's these, like, specialty cut keys for, I think, a bunch of Mercedes, blah, blah, blah. The dog eats them somehow. Robert Duval has, like, classic, like, old junkyard dog kind of dog. This might be the best actor in the movie. This dog. And they're like, oh, give the dog ex-lax. No, no, no, no, go to the hospital.

Vinnie Jones offers to cut it up. Yes. Wait, do you want him to go to the hospital or the veterinarian? No, well, the vet hospital. This dog is going to die. Because they need the fobs. Yeah, and that's not going to pass naturally or easily. I don't think.

I don't think I would that. I think I could pass a key. I feel like that's kind of, that dog's kind of big enough to pass a baby. Well, I guess my question is because it's like the fob, right? The fob with, like, the key part out. Oh, yeah. Because that's tricky. This is kind of okay.

That's... I'm a rough fucking nightmare. That's okay, so long as it comes out this way. Right, and who could tell? If it turns, you're in huge trouble. There's going to be scraper. It's just going to be scraper. If the old mark button is hit, you're screwed.

But what that winds up doing is a large subplot of this movie is two characters waiting for a dog to take his shit. And that kind of sums up watching this movie. You're watching waiting for someone to take a shit. The exciting part of it will be the shit. The diary is the best part. It's off-screen. Unfortunately, the shitting is actually off-screen.

The director's cut, man. Go on Amazon. There is a time. director's cut. It's two hours and seven minutes. Can you even imagine? No. Are you joking? No. What the hell's difference?

They steal five more fucking cars. Amazing. It's just Nicholas Cage, like going into more car dealerships, pretending to be other things. Other professions and stuff. You know, he goes into like a Chevy dealership. Yes, I'm a doctor. But I'm modest. What do you have for me? Something in a Malibu? And we're all, you know, oh, this is when we do the, we have to listen to Lowrider. Like, again, like, oh, good Lord.

And not to be an asshole, but he's 12 minutes late at the end of this movie. Cut this shit out. Start early. Exactly. Stop all the fucking around and get to stealing these cars, please. As someone watching the movie, I'm begging you. Start stealing these things. He has to put on his special leather jacket.

He has to do his other hairpiece haircut. Dude, I don't know what the production story was with this movie, but all of these actors all have different haircuts throughout this movie. It's a real problem. Like, oh, Giovanni, we thought we were done with you, but you need to come back. He's like, but I'm clean-shaven now. And no, no one will care, it's fine.

I think these cars aren't special enough. It's not exciting enough for a movie. I want something a little, maybe a supernatural element. Oh, a haunted car? Yeah, like maybe it's like, oh, I've got to steal him. Hitler's car. Yes, famous cars. Oh, fuck, yeah, there you go.

Yeah. We have to go get Bonnie and Clyde's car. Bullets and all. We're gonna go get Edith, the white bronco. Oh. She has a backseat perfect for hiding in. Mr. Gregson, I got the car, buddy. Bud was in there when I got it.

I didn't damage it. It's history right there. Amelia Earhart's airplane, okay. That's sort of something. That's the sequel, dude. You'd go right in line with those like dumb-ass Pixar movies. It's like car, car, plane.

I think there could have been a sequence. This movie was number one at the box office the weekend it came out. Sure. Fast and the Furious is a remake as well. Right. That has everything. Like, why can't...

We could be living in a world where there's gone nine in production. Yeah, can do with that. Also, by the way, it would be gone in 69. Yeah, I'll just get that out of the way. And the spin-off, Tumblr and Mirror Man? Dude, that would be like when they made that Get Smart DVD-only spin-on, that fat guy and the dude from Heroes just yucking it up in the lab, or whatever any of that was,

did anybody purchase that? Something in Lloyds do something else. What? and Lloyd are doing stuff. That's Dumb and Dumber, Harry. Oh, right. No, I think you're right. It was Lloyd and someone else.

That's a famous car you can steal. The Dumb and Dumber car. Oh, right. Where's the Dogmobile, man? The Ninja Turtle's van. That's another one. The Batmobile, obviously. But that smells like shit that thing. I mean, Donatello can fucking wax that thing all he wants.

It smells like shit. All three of those celebrity cars we just mentioned probably smell it. The dog car, definitely. The turtle car. Yeah, the Batmobile, I mean, the sweat and the blood of the innocent. You're not going to get that out. Speaking of which, Nick Cage's final boss, John Landis's helicopter.

It belongs in a museum. The Smithsonian Institute of Whoops. I would use the word the Smithsonian Institute of Tragedy. That's not selling tickets, man. Can you imagine if there was a museum of whoops? Wouldn't you want to see what's inside? God in 60 Seconds would be in the museum of whoops. There would be like a hall of America's funniest home video.

Maybe all of American history is like... Yeah, a lot of whoops there, man. Second season of True Detective. All the greats. Famous TV flubs. The Vietnam Wall, just move it in there. Going back to something that's not the Vietnam War Are you sure?

The Timothy Oliphant actually turned down the role of Dominic Toretto because it was too similar to this movie And he's like... Well, that's a whoops. Yeah, that's... That is a whoops. But that... If this movie didn't exist,

Vin Diesel wouldn't take this. Think about that world. Man. If I could turn... Wait, Fast and Furious was before those What's that where he's blind? Oh, a pitch black. Yeah.

Was that before that? I think. Really? Yeah. I think pitch black was first. Survey? All right. I think the consensus was pitch black.

Okay, fair. But nobody gives a fuck about those movies. So he'd be wrong. No, there were a lot of, well, there were a lot of, uh, My favorite movie, Pernin Fah, Furnin, and its sequel, From Fanny, Two. Co-starring Randy Blanplett. That's what this movie needed to do, is racist puppets.

That's actually Vin Diesel's real name is Randy Bram, Rang. I'll change it to Vin Diesel, please. That sounds a lot cooler. Puppets, I usually hate, they would improve this film. You have, like, the classic car loaned on the street, and, like, the car cops are like, oh my God, That's them, that's them. And they see like, fucking Kermit the Frogger driving? I named it Piggy.

Oh, man. Oh, no, they jacked Skeeter. Gonzo would be the Giavonne or Obesie. That guy was a fuck up. Gonzo, yeah, if you had to Muppetify, Muppet to Fy. Yeah, sure. This movie, right, he would be the fuck up. Kermit is clearly...

The cave. in a cage, right? Sam the Eagle is Robert Duvall. Similar haircuts, by the way. He also has that gross duck's ass. I can see this coming again. Yeah, this is Sheepin' Bride is Fossey, I imagine. That could work, yeah.

They're wearing stupid hats, both of them. And you replace Christopher Eccleson with Michael Kane. Yeah. He knows the Muppets so well. In and out, dude. Yes, I'll be in your Muppet car movie. I built a coffin for guns. It's a tiniest little thing.

In Muppet coffins, I bet those have existed. Those would be adorable. I think you did some weirdo out there building them right now. He's got this whole collection of Muppets in like a Muppet. Museum? What are you, mausoleum. Oh, man Muppet Mausoleum. Halloween special I don't know.

Yes, it is. We're all here morning nanny. She wasn't a puppet though. Oh, she couldn't, she wouldn't be let in. Yeah. No, they just mark her brave differently. With an H on it. For human, I assume.

I guess a lot of H words you could get. For you. Hague. Careful, kids, it's a hack plot. No, it would just be like the green and white socks. Oh, yeah, I see. You know? That's like a little planet Hollywood.

Oh, yeah. What's the location? New York. Oh, nice. I once saw the dude from counting crows at that planet Hollywood. Was just eating, like hanging out? It was, uh, we went to see the opening of some Broadway show. remember and the after party was at the planet Hollywood so we went for a laugh and then he was

just there just singing long December to his fajitas you joke dude he was housing the fuck out of chicken tenders nice isn't in his one-man show a short February you know what he did I think he wrote music for the Shrek music makes sense yeah that piece of shit songs at the top of Shrek too Makes sense. You just, would see of like Shrek in your veins, dude, you can't shake it.

Oh, man, Shrek in your veins? Oh, that's a little case of Shrek. What would that coffin look like? That's my call. Oh, Shrek coffin? Yeah.

Oh, dude, it's in a ditch. Back to the bog. Yeah, dude, you just back to the bog, man. You tie a bunch of, like, rocks around him. Just push him out. The Jason Forgey's method.

But yeah, then you light the bog on fire. Yes. So it's like almost a Viking funeral. Yeah, totally. A Shrekking funeral. Shrek Balhalla. That should be like the final sequel to that wretched franchise. Shrek just dying?

Well, it's like, you know, like, I've got Kansab. I've got storybook Kansai. Like when he's directing that one? Sure. Yeah. I'd watch it. The Robin Hood is Marybman, all have flaming arrows out to sea. Oh, yeah, dude.

Oh, the ins and outs of a Shrek funeral. It's kind of beautiful, to be honest with you. I'm tearing up. Just like two hours of this funeral. Well, a little bit of the cancer death. Yeah, I mean. But then, like, 90 minutes of this funeral procession and shit. That's so good.

I would actually want to look like Shrek at that point. So we're stealing cars, right? I mean, there's a bunch of something. I think eventually the dog takes a shit, which is really exciting. The dark takes a shit and the dude from Donnie Dark that picks it up

not a glove to be found and he's like look I got it and the other dude's like this is the life I've chosen I think it's Michael Pena who's like who's like

Oh right Are a couple Michael Pena fans in the audience? And he's just like Wow the Pena Puss He backs off because they're playing with shit and they're getting there

wouldn't you Like, if you walk up to, like, threaten somebody, and then that dude gets right up to you holding dog shit in an excited manner, I'm back in a way. No, you gotta up the answer, you've got to hold a bigger piece of shit than each of me. So when you can be able to go in your hands?

You know, like, the great apes used to? Sure. Because they still do. They didn't learn toilets yet, Eric. One day they will, Chris. And it will truly be a planet of toilet using apes. They would only use the Japanese ones that like talk to you and like spray water up your ass and shit. Those are awesome and I will not hear you besmirch the good reputation of a Japanese toilet.

That's a good idea is that that's the commercial. Someone's got stock in that shit. If she would have not shut up. Thank you. Oh, seconds. Oh, what a big boy. Thank you so much. I left it on potty training mode.

So we've stopped selling these toilets. Ever since you added the thank you protocol. It was great. We were doing really well. I hope everyone eat. everyone eat fasts. Another deposit, Mr. Johnson. Welcome to the bang. Oh, asparagus tonight, huh?

Larry, chicken wings again. I thought we were on a diet. I found those keys you did. Unfortunately, the fob was like this. Seek medical attention. Seek medical attention. They did like five minutes on talking toilet? What the fuck?

They know what they bought tickets. Who does well rename the show Talking Toilets? Or at least Toilet Talk. That might be taken. It's a beatness to it. He's... Nicholas Cage has one close. Cage has one car that he's been a real

boner for, which is Eleanor. Dude, and they all know about it. Yeah, I see. Like, oh, don't talk about Eleanor. And all the little, like, the younger dudes are like, why, who's Eleanor? And they go through, like, and this is where you need the montage. Like, this is a montage I want. Because they just list off a bunch of times he fucked up

trying to steal this car, including driving one off the Santa Monica Pier. Yeah, I want to see that. Here we go! No, that's the murder-suicide with a car. That's also a lady. She cheated on me. Now we're both going to die.

What's going to say? He looks, he wants to fuck a car. He's into water sports. That's not wipe or fluid. It's also disgusting. Eleanor, what was that gas pump doing in you? But his thing is like, I always fuck up stealing this car. so A, out of the 90 people on my team,

I'm going to be the one to do it. And B, I'm going to do it last. Saving the best for last. That's what makes it a movie. I guess so. We're calling it that, sure. So this is like the only car chase in the movie, in a movie called Gone in 60 Seconds

with fucking cars all over the place. This is the only car chase. Question, sure. Why bother calling this Gone in 60 seconds if you're not going to do the thing from the original movie where they mention, you know, lock your door because he'll steal it in 60 seconds. Why call it that? It doesn't matter.

It's fucking car thieves the movie. Call it anything. Call it Fast and Furious. I have a problem with that. It's by Mitt Diesel. It's not good. Yeah, it's Vin Diesel. Oh, look, it's Little Vinny Diesel. It's Vinny Diesel.

Get it right, Star Scream. That's one, right? Sure. And in the original, it's like urgent. Like, you know, they're genuinely like, we don't know if we're going to get this on time, and it starts right where they're collecting them. This one, they're like planning a family vacation for most of this.

It's so protractive. Well, there's that, and there's, like, all... To make it, like, interesting, like, there's, like, a clock that doesn't matter, and everything that's a title car, it's, like, Bob's Auto Yard, the Starbucks on the corner. Like, you've got to use that shit sparingly,

but in a movie that takes place in one city. Yes. You don't need it. It's like every scene is, like, the start of a video game level. Shipyard, 3 a.m. Jay C.C. Penny Bathroom. Memphis's house. Memphis is

bedroom and then time clocks the jacie penny bathroom and the director's cut yes that's what got caught it was a whole seven minutes in there no excuse me miss those are not the pens you came in here with i'm a i'm a narc robot toilet i'm calling the police i would watch a show called narc robot Dear homeless person, you just can't sleep here, you know. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Fuck it.

Wake up. Time to die. I'm a replicate. So there's like... Toilet 2049. The sequel nobody asked for. But it turned out to be great. It was really beautiful.

Roger Deacon shot Toilet 2049 so beautifully. Dostopian toilets. No, but so it turns out Angelina Jolie is in more than one scene of this movie. Oh, yeah. Because she's a great actor who's totally fucking pissed away in this movie. She won an Oscar at this point, right? For this movie. Previously for other work.

Was that girl interrupted it? Yes, it's here before. She just won it, actually. Sick follow-up. That's the curse, right? Everybody does it. But, of course, you have to have the scene where someone, one human

fucks another human in a car, at least tries to. Yeah. But this scene, this movie really turns it on its head because they're about to do it while watching two other people who are also about to do it. Well, it's also like, you know what reminds me of sex?

Sex! Sex! Wow. Sex is so. So sexy. Look how sexy that sex is. Oh my God. The fucking is so sexy.

But this is like, you know, it's like the, she has the line here, like, so what's hotter, like sex or stealing a car? Yeah. And he's like, why about both? You ever think about doing it at the same time? Memphis, that's a cheat. You know that's a cheat.

Answer my question. Cheating on Lurlene. I said, you've been having sex with these cars? No. No, I'm not. Well, no, she's on to me. I better make a move on her, so... Oh, human women.

It's so exciting, okay. Oh, yes, I love touching your hair. I get lost in your hood. I mean, I... It's nice. Nice headlights. That works for both. Check under the hood.

I mean, your shirt. Were you thinking about a car when you fucked me? Yes. And she's like dirty talking and be like, yeah, it needs to have a good transmission. Yeah, it needs to pump that transmission. Jesus Christ, guys.

Get into the Kronenberg movie. Totally. Talk to Lilius, get it settled out. Where's Holly Hunter? Right, she's in that movie. Yeah, she's in. No, fucking in cars. No, I'm not, Senator,

no, I'm not fucking a car, fucking in a car. Now, technically, they were fucking in car crashes. I'd like to fuck cars. That's sick. The bend diagram of Holly Hunter impression in Nicholas Cage. Purple circle.

Purple circle. That's the big diesel optimist prime There's two voices and not a lot of talent on stage. You know what, like, they gloss over entirely, and it should be like a big part of the movie, is when they rob a police impound? That's a big

deal. That's a big deal. Like, they lose some of the BMWs or the Mercedes or whatever, and they're like, oh, you know where there's some more of them, the police impound. And then it just basically there's like a little gag and they drive the cars out, no problem. That's your movie

right there. Like this is the big challenge we have to get into the police inbound and that's the rest of the movie. That's kind of a thing. That's like a heist at least. Instead we're just Mirror Man is like wearing a dumb hat. And he's not like a little Barbie doll and he's like

dancing with this thing and this poor actor. He's wearing Kramer's pimp outfit. He definitely is. He's got a Barbie doll. This, yeah, I wouldn't remember that at all. No, not that. We get it, man, hang on a second.

I know you're fucking a heart as a rock. We'll talk about snake in a toilet. Eric is going to teach you here on stage. I thought we're about to get a nice lecture. We have a toilet in the back. This is the improv. This is in your TED Talk. Please don't.

I have stage right. It's been seconds that no one's talking about the snake! All right, are you ready? We're gonna do it. Plench your asshole, because here it goes. Here's the big thing. There's a snake in a car. No, it's pretty good.

Only because, like... The snake! Do the snake! Do it! No! Vinnie Jones as a car starts like killing cops but he's not killing cops well nobody nobody loses their life yeah yeah which is a real problem yes he's just damaging his car and like you're

getting what five bucks at the end of this thing and the half of that is going to the repairs and also that's snake abuse you can't just leave a snake in a car well that's up any jones problem you gotta crack a window no i'm saying because this owner deserved to have his hug be stolen oh i see and then jones tosses the snake onto this detective There's other car cops, I guess, that were trailing them. There's a lot of car cops. So those car cops are now, their car, their cop car, and their car cops inside there. Yeah.

Got a car car. How many car cops are going to cop car car carry cop cars? Car cops. After they're, like, pushed off this, like, this parking garage ramp. Yeah. And he just throws the snake onto the car. The snake's probably dying, right? Oh, that snake's dead, dude.

The hospital, right? Get this snake to the snake hospital immediately. That is a spin-off I'd also like snake hospital. Is it a hospital for snakes or a hospital run by snakes? The latter, clearly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, that would be cool. A hospital run by snakes. Oh, wait, maybe it's Jake the Snakes Humvee. Oh, yes, that's definitely what it is, actually. Camio deleted. No, the year, 2000. He'd already sold that snake.

Dude, do you think he has no snakes? No, no, he sold, he hopped all of his snakes. Every last little slithering snake. Yeah. Was that enough snake tar, by the way? Are you quenched? Perfect. I'll give you a little other tidbit.

In the original, it's a tiger. You want us to talk about the tiger? No, I didn't see that. I saw the one with the fucking snake! Snake! I don't have been something right now. I don't actually know how to snake a toilet. You're a homeowner, man.

That's a real problem. I faked it. Really? Yeah, I faked the snake. Fake the snake Roberts over here. Oh, ew. You know what's an awesome part of this movie when that dweeb gets shot the chest?

It's kind of like a nothing. Like, whatever. He gets shot. Well, it's one of those things where he wants to, he's like the youngest one. He wants to go on the heist. He's like, no, you can't go. You got to stay back and do a computer. Let me make you break.

No, don't make me breakfast. Do computers. Do computer. I do breakfast. Welcome to Giovon Arbiz's home correspondence course. You can do computers. You can do TV repair. heating and cooling

breakfast I got a degree breakfast you just pour milk on it it's really hard to fuck up hash it's got to get shot it's fun it's cool

he deserves it he should be dead though is the thing they take him to like a mafia doctor some shit. And the guy comes out like, nope, don't worry. The stakes in this movie are off once again. He's going to be fine. And Robert Duvall's like, nobody gives a shit about this kid. Robert Duval's like, hey, remember I was in like Godfather and Godfather Part 2? Fucking Apocalypse now. I mean, I was in these movies. Use me. You have me. Use me. Maybe he could have done something with a snake.

I don't know. He kind of looks like Jake the Snake in this movie a little bit. Jake the snake also at the fucking duck's ass A little bit of curl back there So the last car chase takes 25 minutes, it's kind of fun finally though Yeah well it's fun come on Most contrarian

I mean they're They're just like doing bad boys Yeah it's they're cut every second And they're like yeah it's a good car chase It's lit the same way Well the IMDB the Tribune The Americans Most Trusting News Stories says that this car chase was mostly improvised,

which I imagine is the dialogue, but you can't really practically improvise a car chase because that's going to get somebody fucking killed. Didn't you listen to Dominic Senna's commentary on the DVD? Yeah, actually, we stole all these cars. You're just on the street. We took a camera and old school, like Larry Cohen. This is like a documentary?

More or less, dude. I think it would be way better. I think, you know when he got to finally improvise a car chase? That's him in, like, the first Ghost Rider movie. Oh, right. Because it's just cage, like, ah! That's what an improvised car chase actually looks like. But I think also in this instance, it's code for, like,

we didn't bother to write anything. Yeah, like, I don't know, Delroy, Linda, just drive around, and Tim Oliphant's going to say some shit and respond if you want to. However you're feeling, Delroy, Linda, you're one of America's most underappreciation. He's good. He is.

He's great. It's fucking great. And there's a series of ramps and stuff. That's good. So a series of rants. That's good. So a series of rants. No, he's just, you know, he's jumping all over the place.

He's fucking up this car, left and right. And this is what I'm talking about. There's no stakes here because they crash some of these cars in ways that, like, man, that guy's fucking chilly me. Like, they're just smashing. They're like, teaboning cop cars. One dude gets hit with, like, a wrecking ball. And Tim Oliphant makes fun of him.

He's like, hey man, are you okay? Yeah, you got thrown through a fucking wall. He acted by. And the dude's like, turn. Everyone's just like, ow. He is kind of doing an old way knocking. Terrible extra acting, man. He is getting shot away, like, cry.

I had to kill so many beautiful women. That's poor cars. All those Leslie's and Diane. They're all dying because of my brother. He should lament the dead cars, though. They didn't even know the touch of a man. At the end of this thing, he's like, this is the ramp part where he's like,

oh shit, traffic. Dude, that car's number one nemesis, man. In the year 2000, you have a cell phone, you have a shitty cell phone. Just call Christopher Eccles and be like, hey dude, like, I'm really right here. Just look outside. Look, look out the window.

I'm the one flashing my lights, man. You can see it. I can see you. You can see me. This counts. This counts. Go on the roof. You see me, wave me?

That's me. I'm right here. Once this clears up, I'll be right over, dude. Dude, and he jumps this car over like an ambulance, a turned-over other vehicle. I mean, it's like a bad fucking accident. I think there's a football stadium, too. It's a bunch of school buses.

A bunch of fire hoops. Hey, oh, that's what it is, man. In the director's cut, he drives through his circus. And that's what happens. It would be awesome. No, I've got to get to the other end of the Grand Canyon to get this. That would be awesome, too. Yeah, if he jumps to Grand Canyon.

So he jumps over all this shit, though. The thing that's terrifying is he can't see the other end of that. No. He doesn't know if the road even continues. It would be like speed. Oh, no. It's just cans. Keep going. Yeah, well, Scott Kahn, I'm taller.

Actually, I'm taller. You almost half. Yeah, you know. And he gets, you know, he gets there, and he's like, you have 12 minutes late. I get my pizza for free. I'm sorry, Mr. Quartz. I crashed my car on the way

of the warehouse. I went up on the ramp and then I went over some cars and then I almost exploded and then some cops died but I got it here for you and there have to stand it. See, we're riffing on the bit

of Domino's Pizza Insurance, but that's just why you have car insurance. Actual real-world insurance. Car insurance makes sense because cars cost more than $9. Our insurance is mandatory. Why isn't pizza insurance? It's a great question, dude.

And if you are elected, your first official order of business. The price of pizza is going up. That's a terrible platform. You just lost my vote. But you'll be always insured pizza. If you drop a pizza, you get a pizza. Okay.

No. Still not. Do you think there's ever been, like, Domino's pizza insurance fraud, by the way? Yeah, yeah, I dropped it. I bet you it's rampant with abuse. Like, four of the six slices fell in the sewer when I dropped it.

Yeah, I can't find the chicken wings. Yeah, I don't know where they went. Maybe in my car? Who knows? Can you get him over here, please? Tommy won't wing. Yeah, give me any whineps. So Eccleson's going to kill him, right?

and he's like, you're gonna go into the car. Then it turns into the end of Terminator 2 all of a sudden. Right, well, you're at a foundry, and that's what happens when the bad guy's hideout is a foundry. Is he just melting these cars down? I think so.

Some of them, anyway. To put it in his furniture that he's making. Because that's the ultimate goal. Meltdown to have a bunch of aluminum and steel and shit for your furniture. Yeah, so you wanted to make a bunch of doorknobs, I guess? My hobby's making doorknobs. Lots of...

door knobs. And, like, Delroy Lindo kind of gets in on the action. Timothy Oliphant, like, falls out of a hole out of the movie. There was a hole in the movie, dude. He wasn't watching where he was going, and he fell right through the bottom of the movie. Because he's gone, he's never,

he doesn't, maybe he could get killed or something, or maybe he saves the dead, no, gone out of the movie. I think he just gets lost in that foundry. Maybe he falls into the molten metal. There's one more chip left. It would be awesome if he says he needs a vacation

and then falls in it. That'd be rad. That's why I never say that, just in case. Even though I do need a vacation. So there's a big stupid shootout. But the best part is Nicholas Cage high kicks. Christopher Eccleson over-a-railing. It's an amazing kick.

This movie's like not great for it's one of my top five kicks. But it's a kick from another movie. Bruce Lee be damned. This fucking falls. This fall is amazing. It's a diehard fall. Goes through a roof or ceiling or something and then into his own coffin. He almost hits the coffin, and I think they probably filmed it two ways.

And there was a test audience. He's like, well, did you like the movie? Oh, no. Okay. Would you like it more if he fell in the car? on the side of the coffin is edging this car which is awesome because you see that dummy take the fall and it's like right at the hip this dummy gets it

and I think the bummer of it is man you can't because it would be a great gag right he falls through that ceiling falls in the coffin and then the fucking door closes right of the lid closes but that's an Adam's family joke and you can't do that this is probably the greatest dummy to take a fall since

Lee Harvey Oswald Dad jokes. Just up here telling some dad jokes. And we end at a barbecue, not unlike those fucking pastin' what a rip. What a rip. Would it would have happened. It would be called Gate, I guess.

It would be like G8. Gate. Sure. Yeah. Well, they would change it every time, like gone and seconds. The gone and the 60 seconds. It's clever because the seconds is the barbecue. You get seconds.

No barbecue chicken, you've got the barbecue. See, it's clever because it doesn't make sense. Really, the only change between this and fast and furious is the beer that they're drinking. Yeah. Ben Diesel's like, no, I'm contractually obligated to only drink Corona. but the we skipped over something that's like the most ridiculous part of his

oh yes yeah Delroy Lindo's reaction to it all so like this dude like Chris Eccleson is about to kill Delroy Lindo and that's why the awesome kick happens Nick Cage saves the day and Delroy Lindo's like you know what man you saved my life

and now that I think about it you're just doing this because you love your brother you know what? Fuck it You're good, man, so just fuck it. Just get out of here. Well, I love that. He commits murder. And Teller Lid Does is like, well, that's an okay crime.

Thank God you didn't steal that guy's car. I'm a car cop. You know, leave that to the murder cops. None of my business. I just can't. I mean, what that means is the movie was all for nothing. Yes. And no one's getting paid.

This is the dude. is dead. That $200,000 that's getting seized. Skip the car shit. Just go shoot this guy in the hay. That would have been cool. And the car cop... Short film? 60 seconds long. You would watch.

On YouTube. And then the car... Woo! You know, I'm going to some videos. Yeah, I mean, and after this, the car cops have to go back to the murder cops. And tell them they fucked up their whole thing. Yes.

The guy's dead. Yeah, the guy you wanted for all those burns, he's dead. Yeah, we blew that entire five-year investigation. Oops! Oh, I don't know who kicked him off that ledge. Don't look at the bootprint on his face. Car cops. And then, like, at the end, GMO.B.C. buys, what's his face?

Nicholas Cage and Eleanor all his own, which is also kind of creepy. And we know he's gotten better because he's shaped. Yeah, that's right, yeah. That's just film semiotics, man. Film making 101. No, trust me. It wasn't reshoots, man.

They definitely thought about this. Here, and I also got you non-burnt toast. It took me all day, but it's regular toast. Here's a pack of wonder, Brad. You see in Nick Cage's face, he realized he made a mistake. And because they have to pretend that they actually thought about using Angelina Jolie in this movie at all. He's like, hey, want to go for a ride?

And she's like, hell yeah. You're my boyfriend now. We're kissed in a car. Now we're getting married. Want to have a threesome with Eleanor? I mean have sex somewhere. And then I think like it has. has to be one of the dumbest ways

you can end a movie like this. Because this movie it's not particularly funny. It's supposed to be like a hip, sleek, heist kind of a thing. It's that Bruckheimer humor where we're kind of just snapping all over the place. But you end it with a real wet fart of a joke. It's like we fade to black like they drive off into the sunset and I'm like, all right,

bring on the fucking you big what is techno music that's going to happen. I know it's coming. I'm waiting for it. I'm waiting for whatever Moby ripoff is about to happen. And you hear the car like stall out? Like, over just like a black screen, the car stalls out, and he's like, oh, no, credits.

Maybe that's a sequel setup. Oh, shit. Maybe it's him getting a jump in the next movie. All right, so the second one picks up right where the first one left off. I stalled out. Slight correction, it doesn't end with an electronica song. It ends with the fuck song. which sounds like if Meatloaf was taking a shit

and singing a ballad at the same time. Well, he did do anything for love, dude, but I guess he did not do that. That was just that dude's process, man. That's how bad out of hell happened? Written entirely on the toilet? Like a back on the hill! That was a good song.

You should record it. Don't worry. I already was. By the way, little light on the tp don't you think dude you don't need it to be a critical talking toys at me i don't know i kind of like it you can like text your toilet like what's the tp's in tp is running at 31% oh better stop off on the way home i don't know i'm just saying how about a courtesy flush you have guests over would you like you like

like to light a match. Listen, Meatloaf, I know that I asked for an emotion chip, but please remove it. I don't want to feel this. Will you hurt to brush me once in a while? Maybe floss? You really do not know how to snake a toilet, man. I've never used the toilet, that's true.

You're a bog man, a bog in the woods. I go to bogs and woods, and I go in, like, corners or rooms when no one's located. That's how I did it up to, like, 19. You're going, you're moving. Thank you, Chris. So this movie's over. Thank God.

So here's a question. Before we weigh in, from the folks out there who watch this movie in advance, would you recommend this movie? Okay, wait, wait, wait, let's do with this. Let's do it this way. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sh, shh, shut up.

Snake. Shut up, Chris. All in favor of recommending the movie. Shhh. All in favor of not recommending the movie. Oh, shit. Snake guy, what do you think? Yeah.

Snake guy's into it, man. When we talk about snakes, he's happy now. Steve Sadek, would you recommend this movie? No, no, no, no. I also don't know what cars are. I know that people love cars and, like, oh shit, it's cherry red something or other. I'm like, I don't know.

It's a bunch of metal. So that's a no for me. It's okay to like a movie. No, it's totally fun. I don't care for this one. I say no. And that's that. Nice, dude, concise.

You're welcome. Chris Cabin. I'll be even more concise. Fuck it, it sucks. Lord. Good Lord. So angry. I can watch this movie like three times.

Yeah. This dude over here had it, right? Man, that's a hangover movie in a half. Oh, wow. Absolutely. I can see that. Yeah. Let's watch a apartment hungover this morning.

This is fucking true. And it worked. I felt a little better. So we're going to start wrapping it up here, unfortunately. But we're going to thank y'all for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. You've been great.

Even straight guy. I would say especially something. The fifth beetle. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say we're bigger than Jesus. You're a carpenter, by them. But before we go, as tradition at a We Hate Movies Live show we're going to read some internet correspondence

because you know for the greatest sources in reporting the IMDB user reviews are where it's at yeah Walter Cronkite started there President Kennedy was shot 5 out of 10 stars we've landed on the moon

10 out of 10 stars I'm sure you had so much other highlights. The Vietnam War. Four out of ten. All right. Does anyone ever written a review on IMDB, by the way?

Nice. Nice! That was awesome. Someone in here is lying. Guarantee it. Look at these nerds. Someone did it. Someone here is lying, and Steve is projecting. Nailed it, dude.

Read Steve's review. All right, subject line. Great movie. Stop giving it such a hard time. Ten out of ten stars. Walter Cuck. I wrote this review from beyond the grave. This was Carl Daly.

And that's his username. So, I mean, this is public record. I'm not doxing this dude. And also, some of these words don't make sense in time. So this first sentence, for example, try to figure this out. This movie has taken a lot of stick. I think it's shit, but he's drunk. Okay. I'll get you to be like shit-ass wasted.

And he'd be like, that's it. I am sick of hearing nonsense about God at 60 seconds. A movie I watched four years ago. To the Internet. This was written five years after this movie came out. Time stamp 2 o'clock in the morning. You know what you get into here. It was slated by critics when it came out

and was blamed for wrecking Nicholas Cage's career. Again, slated. I don't know what he means. It's like a baby did bad live. Someone says it's British slang? What slated mean? British size. Nice.

All right, so if this is filled with this, sir we may need you to translate so please stand by what what a stick me criticism everything means wow different words for criticism I love it I love it so it's like guff you think a lot of guff Chris you'd be a stick man in England yeah most contrary it's stick or a slated man All right, here we go. The thing I don't think people get is that it's not meant to be an epic

Oscar contender of a movie. It's just some brilliant... Get ready for a sick pun here. It's just some brilliant bruckbuster action at its finest. This is the only person in the history of the world to write a Jerry Bruckhineering. Action at its best.

Fast cars, quick editing, and a great soundtrack. Somebody likes Groove Armada just to titch too much. Wasn't the name of the lead singer of Groove Armada. Was it Carl Daly? It does exactly what it says on the tin. Box? Perfect. Also, for anyone who likes cars, it's a pure.

a treat. Well, obviously, you don't have to put that in. Everybody knows. It's a movie for car people. It has everything. It's car people. People that turn into car. People love them. Ferraris, Mercedes, a Hummer.

And let's not forget, Eleanor. How could we? I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a better action movie. And personally, a better movie at all. So it's this, and then no country for old man, and then Citizen Kane.

Sure. Interesting. Most contrarian. Everybody likes those movies. That's true. Then again, maybe that's just me. We are WeA Movies from New York City, everybody. Thanks a great from Canada.

We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. That was a hit gum podcast.