We Hate Movies - S9 Ep438: Episode 438 - The Wicker Man (2006) [Live at the Gramercy Theatre]

Episode Date: August 20, 2019

On this week's episode, the 2019 East Cage Tour comes to an end in beautiful New York City! The gang rounded things out at the Gramercy Theatre by talking about the absolutely ludicrous horror remake, The Wicker Man! What's with that Aaron Eckhart cameo? Why does Cage keep his entire suit on the whole film? And what a total boss conversation-ender Ellen Burstyn has here! PLUS: Take a drink every time someone makes a bee pun! Actually, don't do that. Definitely, definitely, definitely do not do that. The Wicker Man stars Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Frances Conroy, Molly Parker, and Leelee Sobieski; directed by Neil LaBute. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Please enjoy what turned out to be the final episode, final show of our East Cage tour. We're talking about the Neil Le Butte Wickerman remake. This is Wicker Man 2006 live at the Gramercy Theater from right here in New York City. New York City, what is happening? I like the sound of that, you guys. Chris Cabin, you've been brought here

of your own accord. Oh, God. Oh, my God! We're going to kill him, right? Yeah, this is the end of the tour. This is what we've been building up, like, 10 years of this show just to fucking execute him on the stage. It's

my time. We have a giant wicker man backstage. We're going to roll out soon. It's full of pigs and shit. You got one made? Yeah, and we're going to burn this whole place now. Yeah, kill us! Yes! Yes. It's a weird thing

to cheer for you guys. Go with it. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. are we have movies from right here in New York City. We've been talking about Nicholas Cage for four fucking days, man.

In the history of bad ideas. What's up there? This in True Detective Season 2. Like neck and neck. No, Vince Vaughn. Are you sure? Yes. The wedding crasher?

Yeah, him. Wow. Oh, wow, you went with Vince. You know what, time's kind of a flat circle. I'm just saying. Just saying. Who was that, George Lucas? Just checking, man.

We could add the flat circle later in post. We didn't have the technology to do the flat circle at the time. Really quickly, you guys, how many of you are familiar with the program we run on the internet? A couple of people. very cool if you're not like we always say if you're here for the first time if you're here on an awkward first date

you have to fight yeah that's right it's a give and take you guys fight for us and we'll talk into the microphone that's right alternatively we're a comedy show

it's a podcast for the older people that's internet radio it's a what it's a what it's a pod it's what my drawers where we take a bad movie and use it as a jumping off point for entertaining and profane conversation.

So really quickly, I would like to know how many, before we announced the tour, how many of you guys had seen this movie before? Fair enough. How many of you watched it in advance of this tour only? Apologies. You poor souls. Sorry. It's kind of a B movie, right? Get the fuck out Right off the bat There's an exit there There's an exit over there

And Man How many of the guys Would consider yourself Nicholas Cage fanatics Yeah That was the whole thing Someone said to me a couple nights ago

Like you're doing this whole thing Shitting on Nicholas Cage And it was like well But we love him Yeah Everybody makes bad choices sometimes Sure Well, okay, how many of you are Neil Lebutte fanatics?

Why the fuck for? Take it back. Whoever did that, take it back. What a weird thing to admit in public, man. You guys are brave. Yeah, this is a remake of that old movie that was about paganism versus Christianity, and this movie's about fucking women.

It's like, yeah, there's just a whiteboard. It's just women with a cross through it. Bunch of lying women, lying, be loving, honey-making women. Like, let me write 200 pages just to yell the word bitch at the end. Yeah, just one. He's just the one. I think the script note was like, and then Nicholas just says bitch repeatedly. Yeah, how many of you guys have seen the original film with Christopher Lay?

That's good, right? Damn straight. And it made sense. those pagans and stuff, they were pretty cool. And I think, like, if the paganism was allowed to stick around, there would have been reformations, and it would be totally normal. More holidays. Yeah.

And there's, like, folk songs about fucking in barley and fucking in corn going on. It's really nice. Isn't that? That's disgusting, man. That's, like, fucking on the beach. You're just getting shit everywhere. We should have, like, put in modern songs, like, stained. Just get stained in it.

Yeah, we should have gruffed. it up a little bit. Like, new metal up that soundtrack? It was 2006. We still... I'm afraid to be a bee. And I feel all the stings. Et cetera. And that goes on for a while. Yeah. We could keep going on. It kind of felt like it already was going on for a while. Just from down here. So, a lot of you have seen this movie, right? This is a movie where Nicholas Cage is tricked into coming out onto an island for some reason. Missing something, something, he burns to death at the end.

Yes. I feel like if you're remaking a movie with a famous twist ending, the move, and I could be wrong, but the move is to not do the exact same twist ending. Just maybe. You've come here of your own accord to

a continental breakfast. No, these donuts are stale! They're stale! Otherwise, it was pretty good. I'll give you five stars on Airbnb. So in this movie, Nicholas Cage is a, he's a chip. He's part of the California Highway Patrol. Yeah.

And he has a little bit of traffic accident, which you just saw, unintentionally one of the funniest things he'll ever say. Is he living in Stephen King's Maine? Like, this is a major... I think it was the road from Pet Cemetery. The major trucking route in the middle of this fucking highway. Not only that, it's like a ghost truck. Because if you watch that scene, it's just like, where the hell did a truck come from?

That was the first and last self-driving truck. They're like, we're going to try it out. It's going to be great. We're going to cut the trucker's throats financially. Oh, no, it killed a wife. A woman in a man. Or did it? Conversely, or did it?

I guess we'll find out. Anyone notice Aaron Eckhart at the beginning of this movie for no reason? He's just sitting at that truck stop bar having coffee and he leaves immediately. I kind of feel like he was like, he texted Neil and he'd be like, hey man, you want to get coffee? He's like, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll give you coffee. And he's like, oh, fuck, am I in a movie? No, dude, and that's the thing.

I think they filmed him quitting. He was like, oh, wait, fuck it. I don't need this. It's 2006. Batman 2's right around the corner. But, like, he has that cop friend, the guy that's like, oh man, this letter seems messed up. Make that Aaron Eckhart as opposed to no one. I bet you Ania LaBute still wanted to put him on the poster.

And Aaron Eckhart as diner patron. Come on, Aaron, just do it for me. Come on, buddy. I got a disaster on my hands here. Well, he was in that other abhorrent movie where... In the company of men. And your friends and neighbors. Good poster, bad movie. That poster makes that movie look really important, but it's not.

Does this movie count as good poster, bad movie? No. This poster's awful, man. This looks like a Rob Zombie album. And? Similar to the 13 Ghosts remake. It's also a blurry face. Remember that one?

They had Tony Shalub in it. He's writing tickets and this girl throws a doll out and he picks it up and he's like, hey lady. He picks it up like Mad Max on the highway just like one arm off this bike. It's a risk he didn't need to do. Let me take my life into my own hands for litter.

Well, this is after he's picked up a Tony, like a Tony Robinson tape by like a guy who looks like Paul Giamatti shaved. It says everything's okay. Should have shaved off that beard. I look like an idiot at my own audiobook cover. You have to love yourself first.

You have to love yourself first. Trying to take my own fucking advice. And, you know, he pulls the lady over and he's like, hey, you drop this. And, like, the girl's like, oh, thanks. And I mean, I know this girl is, like, three seconds away from exploding. And I think that that's wrong. Or is she? but is that bad

I don't know is what bad a girl exploding she might deserve it this is two times in a row oh yeah no I totally agree yeah when she throws it out the second time she's like I threw it out

for a fucking reason and the mother says they're moving and it's like you're just being bad movers then like come on roll that window up well yeah it's like this this little girl will be a fucking terror at Applebee's you know what I mean

oh yeah we'd get stuck right next to her too. Sorry. That's what waiters do. Pick it up. You know, that kind of a thing. You're working for tips. And then the truck goes through the Applebee's. Ghost truck. But yeah, it hits them and he's like almost going to get them

out and then it explodes and he becomes ghost rider. Well, you know something's up for a second man because that girl doesn't even try to get out of the car. Yeah. She's like three inches away from him and he's like, give me your hand! And she's like, mm-mm. You come in here to me. Now, am I crazy?

They appear at the end of the film during the wickering in there. Dude, spoilers, man. You saw the movie. So it's just like, how did they get out? Are they spirits? Magic. Yeah, I guess David Copperfield is part of the whole thing.

There's a lot of mirror. Oh, yeah. Or maybe David Blaine, like a little street magic. That was street magic, technically. Highway magic. Highway magic. It's like the same thing, but a little more intense. More explosions.

So he's, like, off the force. He's, like, taking some R&R a little bit. And this female patrol woman comes up. She's, like, a friend of his. She does the rudest thing I've ever seen anyone do coming into someone's house. She comes into his house, and he's like, oh, yeah, I'm not really accepting visitors.

And there's a bottle of pills on the desk. And she just goes, are these helping? And I'm like, whoa, that's so rude. He's like, yeah, my dick is fine. Thank you. Exactly. I take it once a day, and then I can go whenever. Like, yeah, it just doesn't make any sense.

sense. It's so rude. You're right. I didn't even think about that. Oh, a letter from your divorce attorney, huh? Well, you're in some hot water. Invite, you're not a vampire. Inviting you into my house doesn't let you do anything you want. Wow, this alimony's high. She's screwing you. Yeah, you're right. That's so rude. I never noticed it. And it's like, basically, he's just taking some time off. He doesn't know if he's going to come back to the force, you know? And like, he's acting like a teenager. Like, she's like, yeah, dude, are you okay? And he's like, well, I can, can't quit the force. My dad will hate me.

Is he being, like, haunted? Because he says my dad would hate me, so that dude's dead. Oh, no, my dad would kill me. I think that might mean, like, you know, he's... If you ever found out? Yeah, I mean, he might be around. It's like, my dad will kill me if he's my... I thought he came from a long line of dudes who got wicker man.

Oh, really? My dad was burned an effigy. Yeah, I'm half wicker man on my dad's side. So it doesn't count. It's only if it's your mom. I was burnt in a tub of honey. Oh.

That sounds pretty good, actually. No, it doesn't. Again, fucking on a beach, man. It's everywhere. I meant eating the person that's burned in the honey. Oh, I, okay. Like a seasoning, I see. Like a honey chicken.

Honey chicken's delicious. I mean, why is Summer Isle not more discovered? I mean, this honey sounds amazing. It's artisanal, local. Also, Guy Fieri would be there by now, right? Oh, you think, oh, diners drive into dives? We're rolling out going to Summer Island where they're making a bombing hot honey chicken.

This bowl of bees is kicking. Oh, no, they're breaking my legs. I'm cooking up hotter than them tater tops. They're burning me without seasoning me first. There's no avocado in this bee helmet. Could the guy always keep donkey sauce on me? Wait a second, these flames aren't on my shirts. I think I just figured out

that you make this movie better. Yeah, yeah. He gets a letter from an ex-girlfriend of his. He's like, hey, my daughter is missing. I know you're a cop, but I know it's been so long. You probably don't want to hear from me, et cetera, et cetera. But can you come out and see what's going on there, man? Biggest red flag of this, Steve.

Oh, what's that? This letter is totally written in, like, calligraphy. Have you ever get like a handwritten calligraphy note asking you to go somewhere? That's a hard pass. What if it's the Oscars? What if it's the Oscars? Not in calligraphy, man. That's printed out. I don't even trust cursive anymore. Not at all. Like, what?

It's just because you can't read it. To win-tin? No, thank you. Well, it's also on, like, parchment that, like, the Declaration of Independence was penned on. Oh, I'm going to steal that. I'm going to steal this letter to Summer's Isle. Secret map on the back to the honey. B marks the spot. And he kind of fuses around.

Like he goes, he asks his friend, like, hey, could you? I guess he goes all the way to the police force just to be like, yo, dude, I'm going to be gone for a couple days. Literally no one's going to miss me. The guy goes, the guy goes, hey man, are you back? He's like, nope. And the guy's like, all right, well, police business to conduct. please leave. She's going to do an illegal investigation, two states up.

It's totally out of jurisdiction. This is insane what he's trying to do. I'm going to expense it. That's okay, right? Meals and hotels. So he gets on a ferry, and he's going to go there. He's in Washington now. He kind of tries to leave his buddy a message then. He's like, you're probably going to laugh about this. Oh, no, I don't have service. Like, yeah, do that two days ago. Well, it's 2006, man. That cell phone cuts out really easy. Yeah, it does. There was a cloud. that went over. He lost the signal.

This ferry ride starts my favorite part of this movie that comes up a couple of times. The totally unnecessary hallucinations he's having, he keeps seeing this girl get rammed by this truck.

And it gets funnier every fucking time. He has like nightmares in DVD menu. It's all like, yes. Pale white. It's like scenes from the movie that you've already seen. And he's not even hearing what's going on, it just says

special features cast bio in the corner, and it's... I have nightmares about that first X-Men DVD, man. It takes a while to get anywhere. It's a bunch of doors opening. Man, thank you. I hated that. You guys remember what we're talking about? It's like you just want to fucking watch X-Men,

and you've got to solve puzzles. Or the season... I want to say it's the Season 2 Buffy DVD. Yeah, really. It's, you go through a fucking graveyard, you're going like a hayride to watch a goddamn episode. But they had, like, I had the box set of all the Nightmare and Elm Street movies,

and it was like, oh, you want to watch Part 3? Navigate your way through a haunted house. Fuck you, play it. I'm already kind of drunk. This is not helping. The Simpsons ones where, like, you selected it, and then they danced for, like, 20 minutes. That was longer than the episode.

So, yeah, he sees this girl... Old man rants about DVDs. You know that dead art? Art? Art? Yeah. He winds up, to get to the island, he has to bribe like a harbor pilot there.

Uh-huh. Yeah. And he's, he, this is his main business. Yeah. He's bringing things over there, and he's like, can't take you over there. He's like, how about a hundred bucks? Deal.

y'all throw my livelihood away for a hundred big ones that island where men disappear all the time why not well Cage has a dumb line though he doesn't say a hundred bucks he's like how about from a friend Mr. Grant and his twin Ulysses wink

do you get it pilot it's a hundred dollars he just forgot which one was on which he thought it was $200 he was getting there. And that line... Oh, wow, $10,000. Why, stop in! We've never seen this,

many $5,000 bills. And it was that line that made me realize this whole, like, four different Nicholas Cage movies in four days was a fucking dumb idea. Because the second I heard him say the name of a president, I just started thinking about National

Treasure. I forgot what movie I I was watching and had a fucking seizure in the living room. How about for two clues to Ulysses S. Grant's treasure? And he gets there and like this guy's like, all right, man, but be cool about it. And he narks on him immediately. Like there's this lady who's like, well, what are you doing here? No one's allowed on this island that's private. She's like, oh, did that harbor pilot do it?

And he's like, yeah. And then they're holding this bleeding sack of something. And it's like moving around, he's, oh, what is that a shark? Which, first of all, what? Yeah, that's his first guess, shark. And he's a policeman coming there to investigate a murder out of jurisdiction. And they're like, oh, yeah, look in the sack. It's fine.

Just look in the sack. And he's like, oh, okay. Oh, wait, no, it's scary. Oh, spooky. I'm old. And he doesn't look in it. Dude, listen, you're a police officer investigating a missing girl. A bunch of fucking hillbillies roll up holding a sack that's twitch.

and dripping blood. Well, I'm looking for a girl not blood. So, I can't be her. And his whole thing is, well, I don't want to look foolish. It's like, dude, it's an investigation. Investigate. Have egg on your face every so often. He's hiking up this hill man to get from, like,

where the pilot dropped him off. He's sweating right through this piece. I thought it was going to come off. Slide right off. And this investigation skills, this is why he was writing speeding tickets. Yeah. Well, the piece we should talk about,

We talked about it every night. Well, it's a different piece every night. It's been a different movie every night and a different piece every night. But the interesting thing is we noticed this time around that he has a credit, his own credited hairdresser, which is clearly like the person that like shaves the rug off of the floor and puts it on his head. But it's also interesting because like clearly like that has to be someone specific

in a black room like, oh yeah, Nick's going to do his hair real quick. We'll be filming down there in a second. Like they do it, they say an incantation to get it on there. like a black room like the lights are off like they're doing it in the dark yeah or just like a curtain so no one could see what's going to happen

oh sure well this is back to what we pointed out with the film knowing this is a piece with no sideburns attached was that extra I don't understand a person with no sideburns

it's very unnatural if you're buying a piece shell out for the burns I think it's because he's riding a bike a lot and it's a little quicker a little more aerodynamic It makes sense.

Oh, I see. Gas-powered motorcycle. So this first encounter with the shark beast or whatever is in that thing. Just a sack of jelly, dude. Begins, like, every person he talks to, he's like, well, I'm here to investigate the mission of Rowan Woodward. And they're like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, no, she's not here. They're so bad at lying to him. Everybody. And about every. It's not just the murder. We don't know. I don't know.

I don't see anybody. But he's also, like he gets belligerent immediately. Like he goes, like he's a little annoyed with the sacksy, and then he goes up to like the inn and he's like, you get a fucking room or what? And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's the problem, man. I think that's like the labuteness of it all.

He's just like instantly rude and just getting in these women's faces. and, you know, yeah, the barmaid serves in mead, and yeah, it's the grossest beverage of all time, but that's all they had. He also looks around the room, he's like, oh, must be ladies' night. Oh, right, you know what?

Shut up. And he kills a bee in this scene. Oh, that's a big no-no. That's homicide on the island. That's what they care about. Little girls, man, they can die. Oh, no, you killed a bee. Oh, no, you're smushed a bee. somewhere there should have been a crossover of this movie in that movie

it would make sense maybe that was the bee killed oh Barry B. Benson was murdered yeah there's no reason I should remember the name of Jerry Seinfeld's B character but it's like maybe where is that in your mind palace what's a my pals? Mind palace mine palace like sure mind palace mind palace I thought you said my pals like a website. Like, these are my pals. Isn't that like a kid's show on Netflix?

No, that's what we're renaming the podcast. My pals. I just like the idea of like a cute little B movie is going on, like animated thing. Like, oh, we got to make all this honey. And you zoom out and it's the fucking wicker man. Like, it's like two movies at once. One is about like this cute thing.

Oh, no, a honey shortage. Oh my God, it's a giant wicker man. So we finally meet. up with this lady friend and she's playing like they're all not listening to me they don't believe me but everybody knows you're just watching the wicker man like she's in on it and like she's like noticeably younger than her but they're pretending they're the same age which they do in all these movies where it's like oh remember when we used to have those times when i was 19 and you were 38 yeah she's like title era Fiona apple looking and nick fucking cage she looks so much like

few on Apple. It was disturbing. Turned out she's just some Australian actress who hasn't done much. With the last name, Bee Hand. Oh, do you think that's what landed or the role? Yes. They wanted to put as much B. Reference as possible into this movie. If you didn't notice

the truck stop waitress called Nick Cage, Honey. I think he's called Honey multiple times. Wow. It's a brilliant screenplay. B. Arthur was supposed to have the Ellen Birsten role. Oh shit. Better movie. That would have been awesome. I love Ellen Burstyn, but I love B. Arthur

more. Ma, you came here of your own accord. That's another couple where the old lady was younger than B. Arthur, right? Yeah, Stalgetty was younger than Yeah. Ma, you

blow and smoke on the bees. She'd be drinking the whole time. It would be great. I mean, Ellen Burstin's outfits are a little less weird than the shit she wore on the Golden Girls, though. Wasn't B. Arthur, like, a bartender in Star Wars? She was.

Yeah, and that holiday special. Holiday special, right? You guys like that. Before you were done asking the question, I definitely just heard some dude go, yep. See? It's that kind of room, man. These are internet radio guys and gals. They know about the Star Wars holiday special. I mean, I just feel like the whole, the trick of this show

is, like, waiting for them to finally talk about Star Wars. Well, we teased it with George Lucas. It was foreshadowing. Now we're going to get them. Nick Cage is in the hotel, and Lili Sobieski is there. That's a stretch, dude. It's an inn. Is it an inn? Okay. Certainly not a fucking hotel.

It's a Weston. No, it's not. She's credited, by the way, in the end credit says, Sister Honey. Who Lili Sobieski? Yeah. Cool. But that's, I mean, like, that's, you've got to be, like, a chosen one. If you were, like, they all have, like, plant names. There's, like, Sister Rose,

sister something. Well, Sister Honey was born with. Beediclorians. Dude, just please know to the exit signs at all times. I would just went,

God damn it. That's what I'm going for. You're filing them up. So, like the teenager that Nick Cage is, he goes into his room and he doesn't find his Paul Gi-Madi tapes. And he starts screaming, where's my tapes? Where's my tapes, Mom?

Where's you put them? Hey, who went through my? stuff. They're listening to my tapes and making fun of me. It's also this... I'm holding that for Tony. The spoiler alert, the whole thing is like, you know, it's all a lead up to killing him at the end. But like I guess the idea is like, oh yes, the ritual must be, the wicker man must be 50 feet tall and he must be the guy that goes in there must have had sex with one of our women earlier and this that and the other thing. And we have to fuck with him for 48 hours. Just in increasing

amounts, just whatever. Oh, take his tapes. Like, why? It has to be, because this is the most roundabout way to fucking kill someone I've ever seen. It'd be so much easier to just be like, oh, dude, just come on in, like, you know, oh, why do you meet your daughter and just hang out for a couple days and then kill him?

I think they're still building the wicker man. They're like, stall them, stall them. I would like a movie just about the building of the wicker man. Like a rogue one of the wicker man. What's that thing over there? It looks like it's two feet or something. Is that...

What is that? Nothing. Ah, shit, it rained all night. You're gonna pull it back. Oh, man, it's cherry wood. That's gonna look like shit. We planned the date. It has to be May Day.

May 1st. There's no rain date. It's got to be rain or shine. How's it gonna burn if it rains? All right, tell the pilot to bring us gasoline. Oh, fuck. We killed the pilot. Oh, man.

The way they kill the pilot is so weird. They like cut off. his arm and stick branches in it and it's also in his mouth what is this Titus Andronicus Yeah they fucked that dude up man At the towards the end of the movie You realize oh this was all set up from the start

From the very beginning so the pilot was doing What they wanted him to do They just kill him anyway You know what it's just bad practice It was a test Nicholas Cage not only was the Wicker man the whole time He was also a secret shopper And for that pilot

Nobody knew and because he failed, that's it. Oh, no, the district manager might be coming. Undercover boss of this island. I also love how this guy has got sticks in his eyes and all this shit. Nicholas Cage is still, like, reaching for a pulse. Like, yeah, you're good, man. Oh, he might be okay.

You can eyeball that one. He's dead. And, like, this is, like, this sort of increasingly, like, he goes to bed and, like, he hears noises. There's so much of him, like, messing around in barn. in this movie and like he almost falls through this creepy barn well he kind of does

he hangs on though which he's kind of fighting this barn yeah this barn kicks the shit out of him but he tries his best this is the fourth straight movie where he falls through like a floor and pulls himself back up and I was like there is no upper body of strength

in Nicholas Cage to pull that off Rocky 7 he's fighting a barn you're going to kick your Where's the broadside? You don't have to fight that bond, Rocky. We have money. No, I got to do it. You can't win.

It's a wooden structure. All my other furniture is gone. I got nothing left but the storage in the bar. Rock, put on these hay gloves and get to work. That bond was forged in hell, Rock, you got. Not no chance. Ooh, hell barn. I like that movie.

A bunch of evil Amish put it up. It was a barn forged in hell. Hell Barnes. Starring Nicholas Cage. It would work so well. He pitch forks, right? That's right out of hell. Often found in barns.

Often found in hell and barns. Do you think hell has a lot of barns? I think hell is mostly barn-based. Yes. A lot of hay. Hell is very old. know that. Yes, for sure.

From the books. That's just the one, right? Hold on a second. You guys read the hell books? Really good. It sucks that they changed it so much in the TV show towards the end of the season.

Yeah. He gets breakfast the next day, and he's like, hey, Goober, where's the honey? Dude, this might be the rudest he gets. He's holding up one of those cute little like honey bear containers, you know? And he's like, uh, I thought you made your,

own. What is with this store bought shit? And Lili Sobieski's just like happening to walk by and she's like this isn't a restaurant. And he notices that there's all these there's a wall of pictures and he's trying to get his daughter

up on that wall. No, he's got to, oh, there's this wall of pictures and there are pictures from the festival. The previous, yeah, previous festival. Well, no, not fertility of harvest. Oh, Harvest? Sister Beach says that like The fertility festival is far too sacred to take pictures. Oh, right, you cannot photograph.

No, no, you can only put it up on Pornhub. That's right. No, the best picture is the one from 93 when the Spin Doctors were there. Yeah, Summer Isle used to have these really cool, like, music fast. Yeah, sure. That's it. That's it.

Some of them don't go along. Some of them just end right there. And so, like, at this point, like, Lili Sobies, like, she's doing this thing like take me with you with which again I'm like is this the con or is she actually trying to leave or that would make this movie interesting if someone wanted out yeah but she's also just fucking with him it's like being the only sober person at a party where everyone's really wasted it's so annoying and then you're just on the other side of the screen watching that happen makes it even more annoying this movie's annoying to watch it was pretty hard but Cage is getting increasingly more and more annoyed and frustrated because everyone's lying to him. Wouldn't you be? Well, yeah.

I mean, in the schoolyard scene, he gets really, really pissed off because basically they're like, okay, I'm going to go see where Rowan took classes and it's took classes? Rowan Atkinson. She's taking classes at the Learning Annex. Taking classes. And it's Molly Parker in a room full of younger girls and she's like, hey, what is the essence of a man and like these two girls tend on like phallic symbol phallic symbol and he's like that's bullshit he's just like creeping in it's amazing do you know why the two girls say it at the same time

why's that because they're one set of like nine sets of eerie twins in this yeah whatever i also read in the i am d b i am d b uh-huh trivia that correct that uh that uh There was a real tongue twister. Folks, folks, calm down. That his name is malice, male, ballast together. Oh, yeah. That's just great writing. That's what that is.

And like, again, you should pull Molly Parker out, like, can I talk to you for an investigation? In the middle of the class, he erases her whole board. Oh, my God. Just to write the name, the name that he just fucking, said. Why does the spelling matter? Do you know her or not? Like, oh, that took all day.

And this is a scene from the original one where there's a bird stuck in a desk. In the original one, it was a beetle, which was I liked better. You like the beetle over the crow? I do. There's a beetle running around a little nail and shit. Oh, yeah, that's right. Like the maypole. We don't get

enough maypole in this. There's not nearly enough. We see one in the background, not enough. And they've already done the ribbon. Oh, so the Maypole was like invited there, like, oh, sorry, your scene was cut. It was like Aaron Eckhart.

Yeah, exactly. You see the Maple Leave. Featured extra, the Maple. So are the kids going to turn me around or how's this going to work, Neil? Sorry, he just ran out of time. The, uh, but they opened the bird props out and he's like,

who would do a sick thing like that? He freaks the fuck out of these kids. Well, it's like a really weird. He's like, what? Like a real, Like, what? It's not like a freak-out. Wouldn't you be a bird flew out of a desk?

I'd be screaming my head off. What would be saying, what? Then he looks at like her little roster, you know, and the name's right there. And he turns to the rest of the class, this is like the best line in the movie, I think. The best, like, non-B-line, right? He goes, you little liars!

And he's, like, pointing at all of them. And then he turns around and you're the biggest liar of them all. baby. Like a total fucking baby. You're the biggest liar. At this point, Molly Parker's like, look, that girl died, but it was totally regular.

It was like a regular death. It was a regular old, she'll burn to death. Yeah. That happens to kids sometimes. What is with that line where she says it twice? Oh, no. Because she's like, he's like, what happened? She goes, she'll burn to death. And he's like, say again. And then she said burned like past tense.

Past tense, right? And then like, it comes to not. Nothing, surprisingly. But Ellen Burstead is behind, like, watching this interaction. Ooh, good fucking with him. That was good. I like that. Ooh, nice brain teaser.

And, like, basically. And again, like, he runs into another Molly Parker, and she's like, oh, what? And that's it. Yep. It's just two of them. That's it. It's another eerie twin thing. And she goes, or he says, like, oh, didn't I just see you?

And she goes, no. Cut. This movie is, like, the only. than creepyer than a woman is two of them. They were like, didn't I have black socks? Why do I have yellow socks? You came in with yellow socks?

Like, ooh. Be. And, like, basically, he keeps going back to the mother whose name is Willow, Willow Woodward, related to Bob Woodward. Actually. Is that right? Yeah, no, it's not.

All right. I think he would have broken this wide open. Well, she had to go into exile because Nixon was hunting her. All the Pagans Bees, dude. That's the name of the book. That joke worked for like 10 of you. Yeah, it's fine. And you know what?

I'll take it. Yeah, what you did get? Yeah, and like, basically, like, he keeps going back, and he's like, well, how did she die and this, that? And he's like, I don't think she's dead. I think that they took her and blah, blah, blah. And they go and they visit her room. It's got like a creepy, eerie, like, help me sign underneath the desk. It's a dense etching of help me and sad emoji fakers.

It's fucking awesome, though, because he's like, uh, did you see what's under this desk? These are some disturbing doodles. You got nothing else to do on Summer Isle. Help me get me a television set. Every house is full of disturbing doodles. That's probably pornography there. She was drawing pornography?

Well, maybe not her, but other words. residents for sure right i mean you they don't have it right do you think they have pornography there definitely we're not going around the room we're not gonna do no no no i refuse time we're gonna you say your name and if they had pornography there we'll pass the mic around we're gonna be here for four hours you can also add what kind you think they had it's all just sepia photos of naked women with bees on them yeah dude it's all bee play well we should talk about the men of the aisle right yeah they're these dudes that i have their tongues cut out, I think?

Maybe. I think the mouths are full of bees. All the time? They're all the time. That's where they're keeping them. I think that's their curse. Is their mouths full of bees? Do you think it's human honey they're making?

Like these dudes are shitting out honey or something? That's not how honey is made. Well, if your whole body is a hive. I think it is. No, they vomited out like the fly. Okay. I don't want this company's honey anymore. But it's royal.

and one of my favorite scenes is when he kind of takes a nap on this dock and oh yes like he's trying to find the harbor the harbor pilots so he can use his radio and diss that and the other thing and he's like well and this is as good as anywhere where else to take a nap and he does and he sees rowing under the water and he like jumps in to get her and she's dead and he wakes up at a fright and he's like wow that was messed up and then he looks down and she's on his lap dead and he goes oh and then he wakes up from the dream finally goes, God damn it! Like, he stubbed his toe.

It's an amazing delivery. It's fantastic. But it was crazy, dude, because that was when I synced up with the movie because Caj and I said it at the exact same time. Oh, God damn it! Because you don't need a fucking fake out in this movie. That's the middle act is just all fake outs. It's like, oh, go down here? Oh, it's a fake out. That's a fake out, too.

But this is where you also get the sexiest part of the movie, though. Oh, what's that? because he gets sick and tired of waiting for this pilot to come back. So he strips down and swims the four feet to this plane. It ain't bad. It's just cage and his boxers. Ooh. Those little chicken legs.

Digitally added hair as it's going. It just gets out. He's waving. I mean, that's the thing. There's some, like, underwater cage in this movie, and that shit is hanging on for deer life. and like basically as it's going on he's asking all these questions

and he's meeting all these people he meets Francis Conroy of six feet under oh that's right he gets stung by all of the bees which is all the bees every last one of them and he's allergic yeah oh that's right yeah it's like McCulley Culkin and my girl he would have been the wicker man had it not happen that was the wicker kid

yes they were running a long con on him and it was eventually going to get up there Disney's the Wicker kid Is Ellen Birsten his mother? Oh, that could work. What's a better movie? This or My Girl? I guess

My Girl, I haven't seen it. Are you sure? It's got a funny death in it, right? Yeah. It's a good one. I mean, this one's funny, too, but it's only in the unrated version where you get that the Bee Helmet. Right. Bee Helmet is great, by the way. Oh, important detail, by the way. She lets slip that this

girl is their daughter. Oh, right. Yeah, and he's like, that's information that could have been useful way earlier. Like, right when you wrote that fucking calligraphy letter. But also, everything is bullshit, so who cares

in this world? Because if you're doing this whole bullshitting thing, dude, don't you want like the guarantee right there in that letter? Like, we had a daughter, oops, she's also gone missing. Yeah. Then he's definitely coming. They're playing too fast and loose with this scam. It bothers me.

It's sloppy as shit. But they also do this thing. Well, I would do some math. I'm like, oh, I was engaged to someone nine years ago, and now she left in a huff. I haven't seen or heard from her since. She wrote me this letter saying her nine-year-old daughter is missing. Yeah, and if he knew that, he could have

if he knew it was his daughter, he could have really put it to his friend in the police department, like, listen, put out an APB on this girl. Man. Your booze only make him stronger. It's true. Eric, stop it, or I'm going to call the FBI.

No, you can't do it too. No, we can't have two. Only one asshole per show. I've been converted. He's with us now, Andrew. He's with us. Thank you, honey. Wow.

Well, actually, Cabin, you just fucking took the crown, man. It wasn't half bad. It's worthless. So, yeah, he meets Francis Conroy. She's like the island doctor slash amateur photographer. But he's also getting his face all up at these beehives, knowing that he's got the allergy. He's got that old-timey bicycle, and he's running right through the hive.

It's a death wish. Go around them. There is just something really funny about Nicholas Cage using a bicycle for... conveyance through this whole movie because it's like demeaning here he is, he used to be a motorcycle cop now he's on fucking the same bicycle that Walter Mathout rides

in IQ and it also it looks like he doesn't know how to use it really of course not well I think he's just he's shivering from all the bee fear he has be fear I have that do you?

Yeah okay who likes being around bees, man. Beekeepers? No. That, I feel, is like a glutton for punishment kind of thing. By the way, some of these women in this commune have these beekeeper

outfits, they just look like Jawa's. They do. Like Jawa's and cardigans, which I'm way into. It's like a really relaxed tattooing, man. It's like Jawa Christmas photos, I guess, would be the idea. Yeah, yeah, there's like reindeer on them. We call it

Life Day. All right, pardon me. Well, do the Jawa celebrate Life Day? I thought that was for the Wookiees. Well, I think maybe everyone does, right? But Jesus Christ is not canonical to Star Wars. I went through the entire Essential Guide to Characters. It wasn't in it.

Can't even say happy Life Day anymore, because not everybody celebrates Life Day. Whoop de do. Didn't he give life to IG88? No, C-3Pio. Oh, wait, no. See, I'm confusing Anakin Skywalk with Christ now. People are slowly filtering towards the exit.

Or the bar. That's plenty of Star Wars. Thank you. Just about enough Star Wars. If I do it slowly, they won't notice. Which is true. And, yeah, so, like, he finally meets Ellen Burstyn, and she kind of lets it, she's kind of giving the idea of the whole,

the whole situation with this island and all this stuff. Because what happened was settlers went to Massachusetts, Salem, Massachusetts. Uh-oh! And they were like, uh-oh, the witch trials, let's travel 30,000 miles west. How many miles? A lot. I know it's less than that. I'm well aware it's less than that.

I thought they got lost or something. That's part of the story I missed. They went in circles for a long time. For a really long fucking time, yeah. Well, this is the part of the movie where she has to give all this expository dialogue in case someone hasn't seen the original. But she does not

give a shit about this movie. Oh, nor should she. Nor should she. Yeah, I was in the exorcist. I'll just read your shit. Yeah, I won a fucking Academy Award. Fuck you, Neil of Butte. And yeah, they went to Salem and then we came here and we made some honey. Yeah. You're still hanging out here even though we just got

sung by bees. There's bees flying all over. in this casual conversation, by the way. And he's smacking at him left and right, and she's not getting offended like that barmaid did. Like, one or the other movie, either they're mad when you kill bees or they're not. And he's trying to get her television set for heroin. Is that what's going on to do?

Yeah, it's Nicholas Cage and Marlon Wayans. They're running around. Oh, great, Mom. Your TV's on wheels. Let's roll. Oh, Edward, I'm so happy you came over. Would you stick around? I got some talk. coffee for you and Jennifer Connelly.

I'm going to be on television with the bees. Does this fairy go to Somers Isle? No, you're doing good. The cops are a good organization that you should work for. In the event... There's four guys making fun of the saddest movie of all time. Yeah, and she's like basically... She's like letting him know what's going on.

she's being very, like, elliptical and, like, but she doesn't tell him anything. He's like, well, what about the men? She's like, they're useful in some ways. I'm like, which ways? Like, are you having sex with the men on that island or do you have to go elsewhere to have sex with them? Like, how does that work?

Well, when they're attacked by Sky, the men can shoot the bees at the plane. I do not think their mouths are full of bees. Well, then you're a fool, Stephen. Can you imagine, though, just for two seconds. Okay, all right. Steve, just imagine. One, two.

Shut up, Eric. You're watching this movie and, like, the dude in the little, like, seaplane flies over and Ellen Burstyn's like, turns out he's a traitor. And then, like, four of these gruff, voiceless motherfuckers just roll up,

point their faces to the sky and just go, I mean, cabins onto something. It would be stupid city, but population, me, man. How awesome would that be?

It would work. I think it would work. I've been proven wrong. Steve, I'm just saying we'd still be talking about this movie's victory at the Academy Awards to this day, this very day. 13 years on when it swept the Oscars. And he's like, hey, can I, can I exert? the body. Is that cool? And she's like, no problem. It's not fucking there.

She has, Ellen Burstyn has such a baller fucking move at the end of this scene. And it's something I now, like, wish to do. Like, I'm going to look for a moment when I can do this. She wants to end this conversation, right? She's had enough of talking to this guy. She just goes, he's Nicholas Cage, wouldn't you? She just goes, uh, your conveyance has arrived. And then this weirdo just wheels the bite. breakout. This guy looks like if Richard E. Grant ever played a pervert. And it's just like, get the fuck out. Like, in the most polite, baller way I've ever seen. Well, the thing is, you need to have an estate to do that. You need, like, you can't just

you're like, step one, get an estate. Okay. You can't just be like, get out of my apartment, man. That's not cool. Hey, Steve, your conveyance is here. What, my Uber? Great. Like, that's not. Yeah. Or, oh, wait a second, though. I called you an Uber. But I didn't call an Uber, right? I did. This conversation is done. I guess the men are supposed to be the drones of this colony since they don't talk. They don't have their own thing.

She's like referring to it as our colony. You only see them do manual labor like stacking logs. I don't know what they're doing with that. They stack them so they can fall over. They're making a wicker man. Oh, right, the wicker man. You stack the logs, you lift them up. Now you get yourself a wicket.

Wicker Man. Is it just Wood? Isn't Wicker supposed to be better than Wood? Yeah, that's a good point. I don't know what Wicker is. Now, look here, Sister Summer Isle. You didn't tell me you need a door on this Wicker Man. This is going to be a whole other two days. The festival's over. Hold on how many goats? Oh, geez. There are so many goats of this Wicker Man at the end. And I'd like to think that there is like a goat Wicker Man movie also going on. Like all Goats have to get there on their own accord kind of a thing.

Please help me. Oh man. A goat gets a letter from his ex-girlfriend who's also a goat. And all the sheep are acting weird when he gets there. Exactly. Our daughter's been kidnapped. Kidnapped.

There it is. There it is. All right, it was more clever than any of mine. No, it wasn't, man. Yes, it was. Oh, please. Another inappropriate thing. He goes through, like, the doctor's office,

like in the back room, you know, after she leaves. Oh, I love this. And there's all these, like, fetuses and jars, like, all these pickled babies and whatnot. All the wrong Ripley's from Alien Resurrection are there for some of him. Stewing and honey, I guess.

No, it's just, he just goes to that bar in the Brooklyn Alamo. Like, you go right bastard. Oh, right. but like it's like crasters keep here like they're taking all the boys and put them in jarsters keep right huh yeah wow

yeah north of the wall right oh some game of Thrones got it just say Game of Thrones then I'll know to be quiet Game of Thrones it is like the thing in the Game of Thrones it is like the thing in the Game of Thrones by the way this doctor

also is like well yes I also am the photographer for the harvest festival and, yeah, photography was taught to be by my mother and her mother before her. It's this passed down train. From time immemorial, we have been photographers.

That's pretty great. But when he leaves this doctor's office after getting, I think, no information. Sure, he gets no information in the whole movie. Right. He comes out and Willow is standing there and he's like, hey, I think I have no leads

but he promises like oh but I'm on to something I think I'm just like it's gonna happen it's right around the corner I can feel it but first let's just start making out for no reason

like he gives her a kiss like a little be okay and then he's like say that's familiar and actually that also happens in the goat wicker man as well is the goat goes to the goat doctor's office gets no leads and now two,

now goats make it out with a sheep. That's exciting. For someone. Is the one goat three and the other goat 12? Yeah, that also works out. Okay. So at night, he digs up the body. It's not a body, actually.

It's a doll. This is the famous How Did It Get Burn seen, which is fantastic. And you know what that amounts to? Nothing. But She says, I don't know And that's the end of it

But he's acting like a guy That's looking for something really specific And a Dwayne Reed You know what I mean? He's like, where are the walnuts? I don't know if we sell Where are the walnuts? Where are the walnuts?

It's a fucking pharmacy sort of I don't know Also, the answer to how did it get burned Is fucking fire, idiot? Dron strike. That's what got it, unless it could be a dragon from that popular Game of Thrones program. But it's like only the face is burned, and like if you think the girl got burned with this doll, that doesn't make sense, right? No, someone just burned a doll off a face, you know, that's face is doll, or doll's face?

If the girl went up, the doll certainly went up as well, I would think. Someone's burning doll faces, big deal. You're pitching a new Batman villain? There's no hobbies on this island. You'd be burning dull faces. We teach all sorts of hobbies here on Summer's Isle. Honeymaking, photography, doll burning. Excuse me, photography is for my mother and me only.

Fetus pickling. That's mine, too. Are they eating it, you think? Oh, come on. No, man. Come on, people have eaten fetuses. Grow up. I need to grow up.

That's what's going to happen. What do you think happens at the Harvest Festival? You're not eating them? Well, that's the thing is I do need a little bit more of the Harvest Festival. You know what I mean? Like, maybe some of the songs, some of the games. Yeah.

I mean, I guess it takes place in autumn, and this is May 1st. Yeah, everyone's kind of hot. It's the one game. Burn the sap alive. He winds up going to a crypt, and, like, again, this is just a sick prank that has played on him.

he's like oh man I see her sweater under this water let me yet again get inside some water and they like kind of like lock him under there overnight like he's a freshman on the swim team or is something he is a wet cage in a wet cage it's fantastic it's fantastic that's true astute observation yes it's very true and he's in there for 12 hours do you turn to Aquaman? Nobody does have some more hilarious visions of that girl getting hit by the fucking truck. But I do believe Nick Cage thinks he can

talk to fish. Oh, definitely. A hundred percent on that one. Yeah, he has some more sick DVD menu nightmares which are fun. Yeah. At one point it's amazing, he's having this nightmare. It's like the last one I think he has where the female patrolman

comes and she turns into a bunch of bees. Oh, right. She explodes into a swarm of bees. And I'm like, That's the movie that I want, similar to your, like, Harbor Master problem. Like, yeah, like, maybe at the end, Ellen Burstyn is like, but I've been bees the whole time. Oh, it's like a bee Dracula. Yes. That'd be really cool.

She opens her cloak. It's a mask. Yeah, that of all these bees are. Oh, yeah. Look out, Charles. It's your newest nemesis, the Stinger. And it's just a mutant that turns into bees. There's got to be at least one.

An X-Men history? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And so this is when he gets out, and this is when he's really pissed off. This is when he starts punching people in the face. Anyone who gets in his way, it's a punch party. It's just like, dude.

Because he does the one, the innkeeper. Yeah, Sister Beach gets punched in the face, and he takes her bear costume, which is really cool. House Mormont, right? actually before that happens he goes into Sister Summerisle's house Oh yeah here we go This is what I wanted to talk about

It turns into the bee shining for a little while Like it's just like him opening doors And weird shits there Unexplained totally First door There's two doors You're gonna talk about them at equal length They're both equally fucking stupid

Okay First door he opens There's a dude in this bed, totally nude, just covered in bees. No, bee stings. Bees and bee stings. It's like a beef sting bedish guy.

The stinger's so big. But he's looking at him like, you could close the door, asshole. Like, I ain't done yet. Yeah, exactly. Hey man, it's Macink. Close the door. This ain't the bathroom, buddy.

Keep looking. Six more stings. and I'll shoot. Get out. Get out of here. I'm not into wasps. Nice. Now I feel left out for there are no more bee puns to make.

I don't know. I'm sure we'll find something. But then door number two. Door number two is just a naked lady laughing. I thought that would be the bathroom. Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom?

How do you buy the can? How do you buy the can? I bet that's filled with bees too. They're like, sir, sir, we just don't let people. How do you do it? So it's just a naked lady sitting on a stool with a bunch of bees on her. Laughing at him.

Yeah. Laughing and lying. I guess the idea is like he's now overdressed. He's now like viciously overdressed. Oh, I see. I do love his wardrobe in this movie. He's wearing like this tweed suit. the whole time

when he gets nude on the dock and then swims for a little bit and then comes back he puts the entire suit back on he doesn't get nude I wish he did I wish he did but then like when he fucking sleeps in that sewer

and then he comes back up the suit is all on again hey man it's okay to let the tie go it dries fast too right it's like supernatural this creepy stuff happening on this island he commandeers a bike which is fantastic get off the bike get off the bike

and then he pulls a gun on this woman step away from the bike it'll get me there one point five times faster I'm going to point a gun at you it gets back to the inn he punches Sister Beach and then Lili Sobieski comes in

and he kicks her and it's like hadukin she flies against the wall and cracks all the pictures They have a kill-bill fight out of nowhere. It's like, what are you talking about? Yeah, there's like, she's punching. He's like, she's taking punches,

giving them back to him. There's some bad post-production work here because she jumps on his back and there's like, I swear to God, like a tiger growl. And she makes some, like, heinous high-pitch noise. Before the kick, though, a chop to the throat. Yeah.

And save something for Kill B volume two. See, I'd tell you, Steve. Yeah. Just had to wait. You just wait, dude. He was going to get fucking stupid again. That's what people want. There's all kinds of stupid insect jokes I can make, Steve.

Please do not. They like stupid. It's kind of amazing because this one woman has, everyone else has, like, just, like, kind of your regular old masquerade masks. But this woman, like, takes it really far and has this entirely full. her costume? It's like, Glenda, come on.

You're showing us all up here. Well, there's a real confounding conversation between her and, like, the doc lady. Because the doc lady's referring to murdering that pilot, and she's like, oh, hey, sister, what's her, what's the bear lady's name?

Sister Bear Lady. Sure. She's like, hey, sister Bear Lady. I did that thing we talked about. And she's like, oh, good. And then this lady's like, so. I see you'll be fitting back into your bear costume again and she's like yes once again to which this woman goes soon you're just

going to be a family of bears what the fuck are you talking about? No it's like a fat joke at her expense she's like oh you let your bear costume out again this year and she's like come on man well sister bear costume herself goes every year this bear costume gets a little

tighter I'm self-conscious enough I'm dressed like a bear I don't need to be a fat bear The best thing about this bear costume is it looks like the masturbating bear from the old dog. Yes, it does. It does.

100%. They wind up, he's finally at the festival. The spin doctors canceled this year. It's a real bummer. Even Sister Hazel pulled out. They would fit so well. It would have been perfect.

Well, the spin doctors pulled out because that dude had been dead for 25 years. I think he's alive? Spin doctor's guy or no? Who am I thinking of? Are you thinking of maybe Allison Chains? Well, that dude's definitely dead. Kurt Cobain.

That dude's also definitely dead. Who else is dead? Chris Cornell. Oh, I'm thinking of the dude from the blind melon. Oh, right. Because of the bee costume. That would have been great. In the...

Yeah. They should have played, but that dude's definitely been dead for 20 years. In the... Not Dr. Spin. In the bee... In the bee thing, in the bee hotel room there, the third door should have been the Blind Melon video. Like, you know what I mean?

Oh, right. She's just in there dancing. exactly but like she's all grown up and it's like oh this is just sad and he kind of closes the door you think she ever pulled that out as an adult like at a Halloween party oh for sure no I think I feel like the movies you just never talk about it or you talk about it but you can't do it ever again the like the nevermind baby that dude talks about it all the time she like naked in pools a lot so he pulls up to all the conventions dude hey you get you put a dollar in that pool I'll go grab it hey Gary do you do you

pool tricks. Are there alt-rock conventions? Grudge conventions? Yeah, it's in like the parking lot of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Get your picture with John Popper, $71.

It's called pony tailgating. Yep. No, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's so fucking dumb. And at this point, there's a fake out because Rowan is about to be burned, and he, like, this is when, like,

like Cage makes his move and unties her and they kind of like go through a fake kind of chase scene for a little bit here. He yells at somebody right around here you have my permission to stay out of the fucking way. Yeah. Not too shabby. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. He gets cell phone service for a second

and then he doesn't get it anymore. Totally pointless. Yep. Yep. Totally. Totally. This movie is like an hour and 45 minutes. It could have been a hot 90. It could have been 13 minutes. It's just the beginning and then the burning. That's it. You're right, because you shouldn't take this roundabout way of fuckery to just kill this guy.

Yeah, just start with the extreme misery scene and then go from there. Yes. And, yeah, so then she runs off and leads him back to the pack, and now it's, oh, my God. You've come here over your own accord, right? That whole bit? Right, yeah. Yeah, and she's basically kind of laying it out, like, all of this has been, all of this has been preordained. And the lady from the inn is like, we all wrote that letter.

I'm like, all of you? Like, too many cooks, man. That's why that thing is just like, it's all over the place. The letter R is finished, pass it to the next person. Okay, now you do the O and go back around. It would take forever. That would actually be brilliant if they did that because no handwriting expert could ever pin it on anyone, right?

That's true. Or it's just like, we need you, I need you urgently. And then someone's like, oh, what if you said, like, really fast? Oh, God, they have that argument for an hour. It also looked like a ransom letter that you made from different magazines if a bunch of people are doing it. That's what it should have been.

That's what it should have been. All from Honey Weekly. Is that real, dude? It's real, but it's not about what you think it is. Fair enough. Then I'm not interested. And, you know, it turns out the little girl was in on it

and Willow was everyone's in on it, basically. And all these people start taking off their mess. seen this movie four times, and I never realized that the patrol woman was in on it the whole time. Yes. Yes. You know why? His top friend from the beginning of the movie that was the nosy Nelly that looked at those

pills, she was in on it. You can't tell, because everyone is fucking blonde. Too many fucking blonde people. Hey man, whoever just shouted why, if you think we knew, would we be fucking up here? I think she's in on it

because it's like, oh, there was no stamp on the letter I got. So I guess it makes sense. It's good writing. It was hand delivered by her. It's a Nealabute movie, so even a female cat has to be in on the plot at the end of it. God damn

female cat's two girl. And the little girl from the beginning is there. And the mother. They're both there. Right, the people you sawed exploded. And Sean Penn comes in with a birthday cake and gets shot. some of the David Fincher film the game

but it's kind of like yeah I mean again I don't know how they pulled off that that highway stunt that's the most aggressive stunt they've ever that's straight up magic dude I want a whole movie about that because that is really something you know like there's fire in the car he sees unless he's taking those bills beforehand oh maybe he always had those bills they spiked his coffee that's the thing

the diner he was just tripping balls the whole time Or was Francis Conroy driving the truck? Okay, maybe. It's a long-haul trucker. No, dude, a bunch of bees were driving the truck. You're like a bunch of bees steering it, like tons of them? We've trained an army of bees to drive this big rig. A swarm of bees turns into a foot and pushes the gas.

Oh, that's it. The bees airlift the girl and the mother out. Oh, yeah. Much like the fan man. Yes, this makes all the sense now. All right, now it's clear. now it's clear so they do they knock him down and they break his legs oh that hurts now this is where we diverge theatrical cut and directors cut one yes different cuts one is way more hilarious than

the other one for sure and it's not the one I saw when I saw this in theaters alone who saw in theaters. James Franco? No, he's in it, sir. He didn't see it. He never saw it. Wait, did any of you guys see this in theater? No. No, not at all. Not in a million years. I was smarter in 2006, believe it or not. There's drugs and outside to do.

Chris Cabin, he does outside. Oh, he does outside well. Oh, that Chris Cabin, he does outside. Intensely. He do outside good. You see that whole. on the ground? Chris Gavin was here. So in the theatrical cut, it's like this helicopter shot of like the little festival, and you

just hear Nick Cage like, oh, my legs! No, my legs are broken! But in the director's cut, you see like this misery-esque like sledgehammer scene. Oh my God, what? This wave of surprise.

That's a prize that came over everybody. Your left leg represents the last harvest, Cursed Splat. And the right leg represents all the honey we're gonna get. I can make some honey, Mark. These stupid women up here telling me I can't make some honey.

Gallagher can make honey good. Okay, okay, oh, you know what? We're gonna fill his mouth with bees. We can't take this anymore. Holy shit. That makes sense. Holy shit. Gallagher can do outside.

And then, of course, the B helmet, which is just... Amazing. Why would you cut this from the theatrical version? It doesn't make an R-rated movie. I'm sorry. There's no point to this movie. No one's coming either way, man. Who cares?

You're going to sweep the Razzis no matter what. It didn't, though. That's the shocking... Oh, no. This was nominated for five Razzis, and it lost all of them. It got shut out by little man. Oh, really? Okay, well, that makes total sense then. Maybe rightfully on that one.

Never mind. And it's a helmet with a funnel, and I don't know what this is for. I don't know, like, George. It's for pouring bees in someone's face. Did they do this to the goats? Yes. It was like a goat-shaped one, though. You know,

there was like a snout and room for the horns and whatnot. It was just a can. Oh, my God, that goat's allergic to bees. You never know, right? You do never know when to go to the allergic movie. We're like animals, right? Animals should be unique like that, too.

Exactly, absolutely. Oh, Francis Conrad does have that weird line when he gets stung by all those bees and he's like, oh, did you use my epipen? Yeah. And she's like, no stupid medicine. We did it the old way. And I'm like, what, sucking on it?

He's allergic to bees. How did you stop that? We siphoned the sting out of it. It's got a little bowlful of stingers. And this is, yeah, he's screaming. They go in his eyes. They go in his mouth. And it's like, it's fantastic.

It's just the best. And he's screaming, no, not the bees. Oh, big boy, not the best. Well, it turns into a Nickelodeon show all of a sudden. You know, it's like, what would you do? It's like, here come the bees. And I'm like, no. You can't be that on television, dude.

I got tricked into going to double dare. Mark Summers pops out. Mark Somers' Isle. Oh. That way he could also film unwrapped there when he talks about sweets. Here's how they make the honey on Mark Summers' aisle. Okay, Edward, you can come out of the wicker man

if you can find the ribbon in his nose. Yes. Oh my God. I would have watched more Nickelodeon if they were burning kids. I'd be watching it. day. It would have been like Nick Arcade, like you die in the game,

you die for real. Oh, right. Like, well, Timmy, you lost on the magic carpet game. It's time to get thrown out back and buried alive. Okay. Yay, children's television. And, you know, he gets stung all over the place, and then Francis

Conroy does give him the EpiPen because she's like, we need you alive. I'm like, then why'd you sting this man with Bees. Again, dude, we're just fucking around. Yeah, we kind of planned that before we knew you were allergic, but we still really wanted to do it. We do it every year.

In reality, when he gets the knees knocked out, he's just gone. If I was still, if I'd be screaming, isn't that enough? Haven't you done enough to me? Because you know what it turns into? Remember in that first Austin Powers movie where the gag is Will Ferrell falls through the floor? Yeah.

And he won't fucking die? Yes. That's what this is. No, now both of My legs are broken. Now I have all these bee stings. Here comes anaphylactic shock. And the wicker man shows up. He waltzes in. Much like the stay puffed marshmallow man.

Oh no, I thought into the movie. I thought about a wicker man. We used to build wicker man by the lake at Camp of Condo. Andrew knows way too many useless. Lunds from Ghostbusters burned alive all my relatives and you know

he does do his best impression of the original movie oh God no like he's doing the exact kind of thing it's kind of great oh my God

that's what it is that he does which like what is that is that one for the fans yeah I guess so oh he screamed like other guys scream good movie

me like movie now scream good scream sound like other screams and I appreciate that there's a wicker man pulley system they pull them up and there's just a goat smoking a cigarette like yeah ex-girlfriends man it's just me

the wicker goat it's a living so this old girl sets him the fuck on fire his own daughter kills which is pretty cool. Yeah, not too bad. He's screaming the whole time.

Here's something, though. You don't get, like, any shot at all of him catching fire. Well, yeah, you can't. Why not? Again, who cares either way? Yeah, all right. No one's coming. You want to see that piece gets set on fire, right?

That goes first, man. That's just like if it's too hot outside that catches on fire. That's what it is. Like, they do the B-sting thing. It's like, oh, my God, this can't get any worse. They rip it up. I was like, not the bees! No, not the piece!

I was thinking more when everything else is burned and just the thing floats down onto the pile of ash. Much like a naked gun movie. Yeah. So he's dead. Yeah, he's long dead. And if you watch the director's cut, that's blissfully where it ends.

If you watch the theatrical cut, it continues for another like fucking 10 minutes. Because we get like a six months later situation, And it's like, I don't know, San Francisco or some shit. Doesn't really matter. Yes, sir, James Franco. We're fucking getting to it. Are you James Franco?

We didn't fucking forget, man. That's the Freaks and Geek section, dude. People fucking love it over there. It's more likely it's the Ritter boy. Oh, Jason Ritter's here tonight? Yes. So Sister Honey's at this bar, Lily Sobieski. Right.

And she's a honeypot here, right? That's right. Because she's luring men. You can't boo everything. Yes, they can. That's right. They paid for the ticket. The thing is,

this opens up the idea that, like, this shit's going on all the time and who has the energy? Not only that. You have to go out, you have to date someone for eight months, then, like, leave them at the altar, get pregnant, do the whole thing,

and then 20 years later, burn them in a big fucking dude. It gets more specific than that because James Franco said that he just graduated from the police. Oh, what? They have to be cops? This island... It's in the pagan bylaws, dude.

You got to fucking execute a constable. Summer Island hates cops because they're like, hey, man, we get the fucking news here. And I just want to know the police academy with James Franco. Like, was he with Mahoney? Did you get into some hijinks? It was just him in Hightower, man.

Also, how specific is it? It's like, oh, man, I'm also allergic to bees at this bar, just casually letting you the audience know. I think it's that specific. I think it has to be, it's like this checklist they have. Yeah, okay. And Franco's wearing a piece too. Yes. Not yet. You know it's going to come.

Oh yeah. I mean, it's probably there already. It's just a good one. Guys got money. And so she's like, oh, where are you going when you leave this place? And he's well, home. And she's like, oh, home. When you go, will you take me with you? And he's like, oh, cool.

like we're going, you know, have some relations possibly. No, but you know it's a scam. Someone's going to hit you with a tire iron once you leave. Like, dude, don't do that. In that moment, he doesn't care though, man. He's not thinking scams. He's ready to get it on. And the last shot of this movie

in the theatrical cut is Lili Sobieski in a close-up laughing. Again, doing a terrible job. Sure. At hiding the fact that she's about to wrong this person. And she's like kind of smiling. And then you hear like, they crank the levels on bee noises?

And I was like, does she have some in her bag? No, I think she's also made of bees. Oh. Secretly made of bees. And she's at the hippest candied bee restaurant in San Francisco. And then just in case you forgot Nicholas Cage was in this movie at some point. He just starts screaming on the soundtrack. But all you're looking at is Lili Sobieski and you're hearing bees and Nicholas Cage screaming.

I had the stupidest thought once when I watched as I was like, wait, I know it said six months later, but is this like, is that, is James Franco Nicholas Cage Young at Lili Soviaski's Willow? It's, no, it's not. It's a dumb idea. It'll lay off the pipe, man.

And Jason Ritter would be Aaron Eckhart. Yeah. I mean, he's actually, Jason Ritter has more screen time than Aaron Eckhart. Somehow. Somehow. And that's the end of that movie, Bliss.

Yes. It's unfortunately dedicated to Johnny Ramon. I bet he was really happy about that. I want to be sedated, folks. It was right there. Wow. Wow. I just can't.

Oh, Eric, I want to be your boyfriend. All right. You were always my boyfriend. I tricked you. And now we're going to burn you. Because we're at the end of the movie. That's when we started. We should finish.

Come on out, Wicker man. You know what? Missed opportunity at the end of the credits, by the way, where your ASPCA thing has to come up. How about a nice, fun little no bees were harmed? They can't do that because they definitely were. Yeah, exactly. Definitely were.

Hey, if I'm signing on to this movie, we're killing real bees. Real bees. Before I ask the guys on this stage, let me throw it to you guys. First, how many people would recommend this movie to a friend? Okay, shh, shh, wait, your part's coming. Who would not recommend this movie to a friend? I think tonight the recommends have it. And I agree.

I would too. It is like it drags in the middle. It's totally nonsensical, but literally those moments of him getting stung by bees are worth their weight in bee gold. Yeah, I would say watch the unrated cut. I'll say yes. Yeah, I mean, it's a one and done for me.

You have to see just to know that it exists. But never see it again after. I give this movie about a bee. Yeah. Yeah. No, so would I. That's right. No, I'd recommend it.

Not only for the bees, though, but for him jogging in that big up that costume. Yeah. It's so... I mean, so much of this movie is unintentionally fucking hilarious. Oh, but he did that thing. Like, he came out later. He's like, yeah, the movies are supposed to be funny.

Oh, no, you cannot backtrack. When I tripped in math class, that was on purpose, so you guys were kind of laughing at yourself. That time when we were in gym and I was stuck at the top of the rope we had to climb and I peed my pants, totally a gag. When you guys booed me, I meant that to happen. So we're going to start wrapping up here in just a sec.

We're going to thank you guys for coming out. You can awesome. Give yourself a round of applause. Thank you. And thank you, B-Gai. Oh, fuck, I didn't even see that. Stand up, bee guy. Someone is dressed in a bee costume. That's fucking awesome. This is the man that's here to kill us tonight.

Sixthember B. Rannis. Oh, shit. That's that. He just screamed the thing that the Joker screams before he murders Eckhart. Yep. Another quick question, is there a Paul Bauer here? Stand up, Paul Bauer. Introduce you to Paul Bauer.

Paul Bauer has attended every single show this week. Round of applause for Paul Bauer. That is some insane shit, man. There he is right there. That is dedication. Boston, D.C., where Philadelphia we were at? We were in New York. I'm getting loopy.

Was it worth it? yes don't lie to the people you would have brought the house down if you said no how great is this guy he's polite because he doesn't mean that so as is the case for every we hate movies live show we like to end it

with a little bit of internet correspondence because the best quickest way to get the most accurate and entertaining information is to go on the internet and find shit on the IMDB user review section. This is where the real opinions are at, people.

First one, we got a couple here. First one comes from Star Ocean Boy. Seems like there should have been a 69 at the end of that username. Well, no, you know what? That worked backwards. Star Ocean Boy, 69 went first, and then they had to go, oh, well, I'll take this. All right, then I'll take the other way around. Because usually it's the other way around. The other one was, 69 was taken. Yes, exactly. That's it. Backwards.

Okay, so here we go. Great movie. Ten out of ten stars. Well, I thought the movie was absolutely fantastic. The story was not only perplexing, but captivating as well. I don't agree with the majority of shuns for this film, and the reason may be that I have not had the opportunity to see the original film.

You had 40 fucking years, man. And also, I'm not Amish. so I have nothing to compare it to. I was amazed at Nicholas Cage's portrayal of Edward Malice and also the pagan people of Summer's Isle. The movie confused the hell out of me. Always what you want when you go see a movie. Man, I love being confused.

You know, I love like going to the movies paying $20 to be confused. The great movies always perplex you. And I found myself trying to, to grasp and infer all the information I could because I was trying to understand exactly what this movie was about. I'm waiting for the part when we get to what justifies the 10 out of 10 stars. So far it's pretty wishy-washing.

I felt that I could not quite comprehend until it finally ended. And then I still didn't understand. the reason being was because I did not understand why the community created this elaborate plan to lure and deceive a man who knew nothing of them that his ex-fiancee would allow their daughter to set him a fire and why the townspeople sat there

and watched a man burn to death this guy wasn't listening Ellen Burst and laid it all out maybe he went to the bathroom does he know what 10 out of 10 means that means like the best it's like the wicker man there will be blood.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Essentially, this is what makes the movie a must see for anyone despite the reviews. It allows you to think for yourself. And in the end, and in the end, what you thought is not what is reality.

You know, I never thought for myself before, but I just watched the Neil Lebutte remake of the Wicker Man. And now, I'm thinking for myself again. Oh, is this like a red pill bullshit? Is that what we're talking about? So this guy got unplugged from the hive, man. Shit, man, just squeezing one more in. You get radicalized...

We're not done yet. You get radicalized by YouTube videos. Now all of a sudden you like Neil LaBute's wicker man. Not good. Not good. Not good. A couple more, a couple short ones. Sure, please.

Martina Kerberg, 4308-76. Martina Kerber? Yep. Is exactly what he said. Okay. Subject line, Nicholas Rage. 10 out of 10 stars.

Warning, spoilers. I enjoyed the part where he punched a bunch of people. Maybe the greatest thing ever put to the internet. That's the end of it? That's it. That's it. I love it when he pounds. I enjoyed the part where he punched a bunch of people, period.

End of review. 10 out of 10 stars. Yeah, man. The best movie. The last one comes from Nicholas Cage himself. Oh. This was he did an interview. Wait, this is not an IMPB.

Not IMDB, no, no. This was also polled from the internet. Not the IMDB user reviews. I'm going to fix that score. Nicholas Cage 69. Trivia, I'm great. This is him talking in some interview. They asked him about, like, you know, regrets.

Clearly, you've had a few. Yeah. And, you know, would you... Do you regret doing the Wicker Man? Yeah, basically, the idea. And he says, I would like to hook up with one of the great Japanese filmmakers, like the master that made Ringu.

And I would like to take the Wicker Man to Japan. Like the actual structure? That's going to take a lot. Well, the ashes would be easy, right? Yeah, yeah. You're getting an urn. Except this time, he's a ghost. We are We Hate Movies from right here in New York City, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out. It has been a long four days. You have been fucking awesome. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. That was a hit gum podcast.