We Hate Movies - S9: WHM Mail Bag: Awkward School Screenings, NYC Blood Puddles, and Watching "Faces of Death" with Dad

Episode Date: February 14, 2019

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the guys are reading letters from some people who watched awkward nude scenes in the classroom; others who, as NYC tourists almost tripped over a blood puddle; still others who rented "Faces of Death" with their father, and one person who even oversaw a good, old-fashioned Multiplex Shitpocalypse! If you want your crazy stories read on the air, or have a legit question for the gang, write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello and welcome to the January, bag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside the whole gang. Eric Siska, Christopher Cabin, Stephen Sadek. We are here to read your letters. Your letters that you wrote us. What is going on? There is all sorts of...

Oh, no, don't do that. Please don't do that. Dance Tube. Yeah, we're doing sex tetanone as Hot Desire. Yeah, that was Hot Desire. We'll be back later tonight to do another number for you. Can you lose money on YouTube? I know you can make money on YouTube. No, I think we're just going to lose it.

I'm just totally losing. So we have your letters here. We're going to start reading him. Steve Sadek. Let's start off with you. Okay. X-rated family movie time. Uh-oh.

Oh, sounds right up our alley. All right. What'd you watch with it? No, no, no, no. This is a letter that I didn't write it. Oh, I see. So somebody else, this is written. Oh, this is the mail bag.

Yes, somebody. These are letters that you guys write in. By the way, write them in. We all hate movies at gmail.com. And they might be on the show one day. Yeah, and now you can see them. Look, you can even see it. I'll push this towards it now

Hey gang I'm a huge fan of the show I'm a huge fan of the show and a Patreon subscriber Thank you Your podcast has brought me a ton of laughs To me and my friends Please keep up with great work

After listening to the mailbag For some time It reminded me of a very odd story About my dad and I Renting a movie for some good old-fashioned Bomb bonding time Uh-oh Snuff film

No no Machine Uncle machine He was there too Did they really kill her dad? When I was nine or ten By the way, thank you for saying when I was nine or ten I feel like so many stories you hear from people

Like when I was eight and a half years old people Have this like weird Perfect memory thing I think those are lies And I'm like I don't know I was either eight or 14 years old We and Billy were drinking beer in the parking lot And I got this girl pregnant I was definitely between 8 and 14 at that time, for sure.

It always involves Billy and a parking lot. I think some younger listeners, you know, age has more weight. You feel the half years more. Remember when you were like 11? You were like, no, I'm 11 and a half, motherfucker. Right. Yeah. Because you want to be older, so you're just like counting it.

Like, let's just get there. It's almost at 12. By the way, don't rush to be older because, you know, we're fucking, we're already crawling at the casket right there. That's actually true. When I was nine or ten years old, my mom and sister rode horses competitively and were gone a lot of weekends, so it was just my dad and I. And dad cheated on my mother. No, no, no.

I mean, that probably happened, though, right? I mean, like, mom's out riding horses. Dad's home running horses. Oh, my God, beastility. No, no, no. Riding, right, right, right. Threwbreadts. You could be kicked off this thing.

No, no, no. Michael Douglas's daughter in disclosure wrote. when I thought it was just my dad and I we would go to our local independent video store and he'd let me usually rent whatever I picked out I might as well add here that he never really even checked

on what I would go out to rent now this led me to having a very good knowledge of horror movies at a very young point in life but also led to countless sleepless nights and nightmares and of course a serious disensitized attitude towards movie gore

well that's what's going to happen when you watch watch movies with James Woods. Oh, ew. Oh, God. Anyway, this particular weekend, for whatever reason, we went to West Coast video to pick up our rentals. I remember picking out Freddy's

Dead, the final nightmare, and creep show. One bad, one good. Try to guess which one. You know, it's like the old one for them, one for me, kind of really. Oh, that's what I mean? My dad on the other hand went back behind the beaded curtain.

Where is this, do you think? Like, I always grew up with the saloon doors. Oh, we had saloon doors also. Yeah. Beated curtain. A little cowboy. I'm trying about horse stuff. I don't know what they had at popcorn video.

I know that they must have had pornography somewhere on site. I think you had to crawl through a pile of popcorn like a double dare stunt. Pull the porno out of the big, big nose full of boogers. Exactly. Oh, you didn't see the sign. It's in the bathroom. My dad and the other hand back behind the beating curtain for a while and came out with something for us to check out. No, not porn, but one of the faces of death videos.

These, yish, okay, yeah. Wow, Simon, look at this. He said, I struck gold. It's a new one, 9-11 edition. Oh, God. I mean, this is the worst stuff of human culture. Faces of Death was fake. It was like a, let's try and see

how realistic we can make this thing look. There weren't any deaths or beheadings or anything like that? As far as I know, no. Okay. At least like, because they have at least one of them, or they did on Shudder under the documentary section. Oh, come on, Shudder. I know, but I recall that it's like infamously fake.

Okay, I think. At least the first, the sensation that starts. And also Faces of Death was Proto YouTube. YouTube is replaced. Proto Rotten.com. Did they also do that

is cannibal Holocaust also under documentaries you think? I mean it does take that framing device. I don't know. I think that's literally under their cannibalism section.

Oh and there's also that the road movie. Has anybody heard of that with the Russian? It's all like... Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, that's wild stuff. It's all...

Is it on Shutter? Yeah, it's on Shudder. Shutter strays from horror, which is fine. But it's like, it's 67 minutes, and it's all just dash cam footage from Russia. That country's fucking crazy. I'm just saying, man, look out for the road movie.

It's fucking crazy. It's a little while. Here's how you review that film. Holy shit. The road movie. So Faces of Death video, and he comes out, Now, Simon, look at this. He said, full of excitement as you read the description.

In his defense, he wasn't trying to scare me with it. He was trying to toughen me up by watching it. Sometimes you literally wouldn't think, oh, wait, this is the worst thing I can show my elementary school-aged son, let alone think something like that exists. Well, we breeze through Freddy's dead as best we could. I can't imagine this dad, like, come on, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fucking Freddy Kruger.

Yeah, I need some real stuff. shit oh look rosan great this does nothing for me anymore this is all stepped on i want the pure stuff hey simon i'm going to the bathroom don't pause it don't you fucking pause it simon hey simon i brought home a hitchhiker let's kill him i'm going to pulverize this videotape and i'm gonna snort it off to counter directed by a woman uh da da da da da uh as best we could uh as with any kid this age Carlos has had exploding, freaked me out terribly and made you feel kind of sick to my

stomach, but we made it through to the end and even had some laughs and God awful jokes in the movie. Carlos, that's the kid with the ear shit. That is the best kill of the movie. Ear trauma, dude, tough times with ear trauma. I'll tell you what, I can't look at that. Previous episode, by the way. Oh, right? Well,

it was time for faces. I like your kid, again, like real cartoonish violence in the final Freddy's dead. Of course. You know what I mean? Like real cartoon nonsense and he turns a kid into a video game and you're like oh you know what and this kid's like freaked out he almost

throws up yeah I still need to toughen this kid yeah yeah that was a problem you should not have you should not have been disturbed by Carlos his head it was either this or the act of seeing with one's own's eyes

Simon Simon you keep this up we're not going to get a prostitute next to me come on Simon come on Simon uh it wasn't the original but a later one in the series I remember it focused mainly on gang violence and Islamist terrorist torture and beheading so this is what I was talking about

the original like deal I'm pretty sure because the one is the 9-11 version the original one is shit like this is what happened this is so and so he got the electric chair yeah sure okay but yeah I don't remember anything about gang violence and Islamic torture. But also what, I mean like I guess Freddy's dead. I mean like obviously

Freddie wasn't on the new release section I guess is what we're talking about. I guess well yeah because I don't know how old this person is but yeah so maybe that's the deal but also it's at least he's old enough that there was still video store culture. Yeah with places that had pornography in it also. So that's like

98? I don't know man 2003 maybe with Islamic terrorist torture and beheadings, that's kind of when it was getting really hot and heavy. That's one way to put it. I at least remember not

being too traumatized by it because I felt like I couldn't it couldn't actually be real, so it didn't bug me so much. Right. At least not as much as the infamous Q-tips scene in Freddy's dead. But my favorite part that I'll never forget is the scene in it showed a gunned down

man in the middle of the streets in his clothes that were all torn up and his private were blurred out. I couldn't exactly remember the scenario, but I asked my dad, what is that they're blurring out? And then my dad said, that's his pecker. Oh, man,

pecker. And I said, what's a pecker? It's a movie by John Waters. And my dad turned to me and was like, uh, what, render, uh, um, uh, um, pecker, penis, uh, he says penis. Peg? To which I said,

He pender with his pecker. Oh, okay. Peter pegger. Wow. So, fell right on your face. And that's, sometimes we do that. So we can pick ourselves up, Master Wayne. Master Wayne, why do we peg?

Alfred, what's a pecker? Master Wayne, listen, I got faces of death. Freddy's dead, the final nightmare. It's the final nightmare, Master Wayne. a less one. And I've got a river runs through it. That's for me. That's for later.

Don't worry. That's not for you. John Waters' dirty shame. Your parents wanted you to have this. It was your mother's pearls and fracious and Jeff Nye. I failed you. I didn't rewind a tape. I failed you.

You're going to get late, George. I failed you. And I burnt the popcorn. so watching faces of death with his nine-year-old son was totally fine but saying the word penis out loud made him feel sheepish and shy do you guys have any movies that you watched with family that were totally inappropriate thanks guys again and please keep up the good work simon k nice i think erics tapped out right i don't even i can't even i don't even know that was your whole childhood exactly like i saw hellraiser three when i was I was young, way too young for it. A bunch of movies was too young for it.

The list goes on and on and on. Yeah, I mean, my whole thing was always like the parents were coming in at the wrong time. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. It was just like, you know, the woman sticks her hand down her pants in Animal House. Immediately my mother comes home from work. My dad was a fan of any time there was something even remotely like profanity was going on, his line was always the same.

The hell is this shit. Didn't matter what it was. Who the hell? is this shit. When was the first time you heard the word pecker? Oh man that's a great question. That is a good question. I think you know who said pecker I think?

I told the story of my one friend's dad when we were watching Braveheart and there was the nudity and he had the theirs or boobers. I'm pretty sure that dad also used pecker. Oh yeah. I think he said pecker from time. He's known to say pecker

for them to talk. Look at that pecker in an Irish skirt. boobers and pecker they do yeah it's a nice marriage no exactly there's his pecker no I don't know how it was used

but I believe that man used his peckers on our boobers now wait a second this isn't brave heart I must have gone behind the beaded curtain on a drive from down to North Carolina

I just I was in the backseat and my uncle was on front and he just like shifted like a couple times like he would stop a little bit shift And then, like, finally he did it one last time. And then, like, my mother just yells him, what are you doing?

And he's like, pecker hurts. I'm pretty sure that's the first one. Becker hurts. Was he sitting on it? He didn't specify. Fucking elephant trunk. Is it caught in the zipper? Pecker hurts.

Pecker hurts. Wild night last night. Maybe his thighs were squeezed together too. I don't know. Rough night last night. like a little road rash. I don't remember the first time I heard Pecker.

I wish I, I wish I did. To be honest, I think he might have like he meant balls, but he just called the Peckers. The whole area is the pecker. The whole pecker is the package. Let's move on. Please God.

Oh, that's me. That's you, Chris Cavins. Okay. John Candy almost got me kicked out of school. That's not nice. Dear We Hate Movies. I hope this email finds you all healthy and well. Close enough.

You got one right It's easier to fake it when they can't see it Yeah, we're doing great Oh no It's fine Everything's fine I'm a long time listener And first time emailer

And I just wanted to let you all know How much I have enjoyed your podcast Thank you very much In fact I've spent pretty much All the last year Archive vending your episodes From the very beginning And it's been a blast

All right, pretty cool man I want to quickly mention That archive is on patreon.com slash we hate movies good call you know my peckers on that oh man no we want people to subscribe

do that canceling mass cancellations I very much enjoyed your December 2018 YouTube mailbag and assuming you continue with them and we're looking for content I thought I would contribute a story from my past which somehow manages to bring together weird movie experience at school and the time

on a tradition of what are you watching nice to set the scene it is the early 90s. I would be about 10 years old. It is the end of the school year and as pretty much everyone would be checking out the teacher had previously agreed that as part of our final class we could just watch a movie. An offer

to let us choose. Everyone's checking out. They're not checking out the teacher. No. I mean, I don't know man, maybe a little of both. People don't get that with the audio. Oh, now you get a finger gun. Oh, you're doing the finger gun thing. Checking out the teacher. Van Halen's songs playing.

That's fine. Which one? I had at some point been given a VHS copy of the late 80s John Candy movie Who's Harry Crum as a gift? Incidentally, possibly stay tuned? Just a suggestion? I've seen that movie at least 25 times. And for whatever reason, I offered this as an option. Since apparently no one could think of anything better, the teacher agreed. And so on the last day of the school year, everyone was gathered into the school library with VCR set up and the movie started. Wait, everyone? The entire school is watching who's Harry Crowe? Get the cafeteria workers in here.

They've got to watch John do the magic. No, it was a weird thing. It was on the fucking the Heaven's Gate compound. The classroom was like 13 kids. They were all all weren't going to make it. Right. Oh, I see. However, having not watched the movie in a while, I had somehow forgotten that the movie literally begins with a naked woman having a mud bath. It's true. Seriously, I legitimately forgot.

No one believed me, and I'm sure you guys won't either, but I honestly would not have been brave enough to bring it in if I'd remembered. We believe you. I'm having a flashback now. We did same situation last week of school. Who cares? It's just child care at that point. No one's learning anything. Yeah, we're just babysat.

Steve, you know what's in that movie? What movie? Who's Carrie Krom? Oh, who's that? The, uh, your fabled stalking on the groin scene. Oh, that's what I mean. That has one of them. We gotta add that to the list.

It's gremlins do. Who's Harry Gros? Weekend at Bernies. Stalking on the groin? It's the thing, the footsy, but you're putting your, your foot on some red dick. Put your foot right in the dick. A bestockinged foot. We got to get this.

Usually owned by a sexy lady. You're shifting gears from like, yeah. Reverse to drive. Reverse to drive. Yeah, well, because that's Gremlin's too is you're like, okay, it's like this Gremlin's sequel. And then all of a sudden

she's fucking rubbing his dick with her foot. The footsy fuck. Mine was, hecker hurts now. Somebody was like, let's bring in that comedy smash hit Ace Ventura,

pet detective. Uh-huh. And like that's a, you know, mostly family-friendly movie. That's a movie, except for all the transphobia towards the middle to the end of that movie.

But at the time, we weren't saying that stuff. But what you always will forget is the fucking vicious blowjobs scene in the beginning of that. Yeah, oh, the vicious blowjobs scene. Well, because he's like holding on for June. Oh, right. Well, that is, I mean. He's holding on for, no.

He is. He's being shook like he put a steak on it and then a Wolverine got a hold of it. It's just like, presumably he's enjoying it. I assume so, but like, you know, as a kid, I never kind of really knew what that scene was. Yeah. But I remember my teacher being like, oh, what the fuck did I do? She didn't say that out loud. But she was like, guys, is the whole movie like this?

See, that I feel came up in school a lot. The question, is the whole movie like this? Because you have to. Ace Ventura in a series of blowjubs. He's not being very careful with that package. He's throwing it all around the town. I mean, this is irresponsible. You have to make the call as the teacher because you're like,

I have nothing planned. Yes. This is the only film in the VCR cart right now Is the whole movie like this? Because if it is, I have to stop it. If this is an isolated incident, if this is the only blowjob in this film, keep it rolling.

Don't you get something saucy when him and Courtney Cox hook up? It's the, they do in the jungle. Yes. And all the animals are freaking out, the headboards going. Yeah, there's vicious sex in that movie. Well, this is like teachers should know or teachers should have their own selection.

Here teachers, don't let idiot children select the fucking film. There's that scene where Roger Prodactor eats his ass. Remember? It's like, well, Ace, you can't find snowflake. I can find something for you. Why don't you throw yourself out?

When in doubt back to the future, if you're a teacher, there's no vicious blow jobs in that. I know. Watch it. It's a vicious blowjob. Someone write a guide. Someone write a guide about which things you can show in high school.

Yeah. I'm sorry. You can probably imagine how a bunch of preteens reacted when the very first shots of the movie turned out to be an attractive young woman taking all her clothes off and being smeared with flesh-colored goop. It is. It looks like icing. But it was nothing

compared to how the teacher reacted as she promptly stopped the movie, fixed me with a glare, and Lally asked, what kind of movie is this? This. Yeah, great question. Did I mention that this was a Catholic school? Me too. Me too. This is like both of your, these teachers, like, I don't know who John Candy is.

Yeah, right. I don't know who Jim Carrey is. I don't know who Roger Padachor is. Exactly. Be aware of the world around you. Assume they're all horny perverts. Exactly. Dan Marino's in a movie. It's not for children. Yeah, totally. Bad Boys, too. Not for children. Not there.

Is Dan Marino in that? Dan Marino's in one of those movies, isn't he? He's in one of the bad boys. I think he's got a cameo in one of them. It is the second one. They steal his car. It breaks down outside the bad boy's house, but it was just vapor lock. Oh, I know that's another football player.

That's from the Simpsons. Joe Namath. Joe Namath, yes. It was just paper lock. I then had to spend at least five minutes insisting that this movie wasn't soft core pornography. I mean, yeah. Ed was, in fact, the adventures of a lovably dim-witted private investigator, played by John Candy.

Also, he has red hair in that movie. It's really weird. He's kind of unsettling looking in that film. Trying to solve a kidnapping. Finally, the teacher relented and the movie continued, though I could feel her suspicious gaze on me for the next 80 minutes. Much to my relief at the time, that turned out to be the only scene featuring nudity in the film, as I was pretty sure I would have been expelled. had there been any more. That said, although it's been years since I've watched it,

I still have a soft spot for the film since that one scene meant I was more popular with my classmates on that one day than I had been for the entire school year preceding it. All right. A lot of high fives that day, huh? All right. You know what, Scott? We're going to let you go. If there's a vicious blowjob in this scene in this movie, so help me God.

Your mother and I are going to watch this together. Did you get this from behind the beaded curtain, Scott? John Candy or Jim Carrey as a porno actor. Yeah, I can see that. I'd watch it. I'd be there. I'm probably sure there's a home video. The man with the elastic face and the elastic dick.

Nice. Sure. Interesting fact, the movie also stars a pre-troubles Jeffrey Jones. Yes, it does. I can only imagine what their action would have been had, the skeletons in that man's closet been known at the point in time. Yeah, you were ripping that right out the fucking VCR. Well, nobody knows. No one

knows. Even now, yeah. That's like people like us. I guess that's true. Ask every teacher you have who Jeffrey Jones says. Yeah. They won't know. One of them is going to know. For sure, somebody. Yeah. I hope you enjoyed

the story on a more serious and personal. I just want to thank you guys last year has been tough from me for professional and personal and general world events reasons. See you there. I'll see you and I'll raise you. Double it. And your podcast has been a rock of support

the laughter I've had from listening to you guys talk about terrible movies, to impressions has really helped me ease the burden. Thank you for everything. And next time you're struck waiting through a terrible listener request month or a Michael Bay Marathon that even a tall glass water isn't helping with,

I hope the knowledge that there's a fat, balding bearded man in Australia, laughing himself stupid at what you're doing, making things a little ease. easier. Well, that's very nice. Thank you. Scott N. Yeah, skip me. Sorry. Yes. Thank you so much. That's very nice. Totally. Yeah, I mean, the Ace Ventura blowjob. That's, that's mine.

Yeah, it's just, you know, and it was just, it was just, everything went wrong. And it was just like, everything went wrong. Have you ever told your Titanic story? Oh, I'm sure I have. But I could tell it again. I mean, I know that we're saying it. We went on a school trip, eighth grade, two, C. Titanic. For historical reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We also saw Dante's Peak that year, so it wasn't

for science reasons. Yeah, sure. You got to see what a volcano work. Catholic school. Magnets. You know there's a myth in public school. You guys worked harder and it's fucking bullshit. It totally is. I mean, you needed, like, at least the state is involved in fucking, in public school. Catholic

school, anything goes. Clearly. So we're watching Titanic and I, and, you know, to Caprio dies. It's really sad. And you could hear, it's a room full of fucking 13 year old girls. Everyone's crying. Oh, absolutely. It's tragic.

And I'm sitting with my dude friends and I'm like, this is going to kill everybody. And I just go, Sub-Zero. And you could hear a pin drop. No one said anything like nasty, but also at the same time, clearly no one was interested. And that's like, also like, there

was a lot of dudes, but they're like, no. Yeah, dude. They don't want to go on that ledge with you. Exactly. They're all like, we're trying to like actually impress the girls right now. We're not talking about fucking mortal combat dude. Dude, relax with the mortal combat. We're not trying to fucking talk about fatalities here. You're blowing it. Steve, if you want us to throw you on the fire, we're going to do it. I think the problem was he didn't finish the line. What did he do? Did he win? Was it a flawless victory? We'll never know. I just thought sub-zero would have done it. I thought I literally expected a fucking standing ovation.

You see, I don't have any, like, the school store, but you just reminds me of when I saw Romeo, the Boslerman Romeo Juliet. Oh, that's Romeo plus Juliet. It's plus Juliet. Well, isn't it technically William Shakespeare's Romeo plus Juliet? Yes, that's fair. That's fair. And so it's the end. And like every, like just an ocean of like weeping going on. And then just out of nowhere. And then just out of nowhere, this old woman in the back just says, Oh, fuck off.

Oh, my God. That reminds me when I saw Memento and the credits rolled and I was just like, damn, that was good. And then some old lady yells out, did anyone get it? Not really the same kind of thing. I would love it if you would. Well, so Stanley Jenkins was him. Stephen Domelasky was never real. Oh, God.

Joe Medellando was involved, but, you know, just go to the whole thing. What was Carrie Ann Moss about? Man, and who was Dodd? All right, Eric Sisko, let's continue here. NYC Cuts. Hey, WHM gang, last April, my wife and I took a vacation to New York City. Oh, we've been there. Yeah, if you, this April, if you take a vacation, you might want to see us live on...

That's right. April 25th at the Gramercy Theater. There's a whole bunch of tickets for four different shows on our tour tab, on our website. website, whhmpodcast.com. That's right. Also, Boston, D.C., Philadelphia, and again, New York, just so everyone's aware, you can see us live. There you go. All right. So, and since our trip would be brief, we knew we had to hit both cliched tourist spots.

We stayed at a nice, quiet neighborhood in Astoria, which is where we had movies actually got it to start. That's right. He was born of it. We visited Ellis Island and toured it. and toward its nicely spooky adjacent hospital. Yeah, that thing is weird. I don't know. I've never been.

That's where, like, they told Robert De Niro, like he was too sick to enter. Oh, wow. Godfather, too. Oh, I thought you meant real life. No, no, no, no. No, and like, when Vito Corleone comes to America, there's something, or like his mother doesn't get admitted.

It's where they were like, you're too ill to enter, you're cool, you're dying, you know. It's fucking weird, man. It's a creepy place. We're going, we're getting back there. Yeah, we're creeping on back. Saw musicals on Broadway, Hamilton, and dear Evan Henson, for what it's worth. Hanson.

Not like the Muppets. Like the, like the dude who recently was arrested for writing bad checks, Chris Hanson. Okay. Have a seat. And chow down our delicious food at, why don't you pronounce this one, too, Andrew? Reclat. Oh, thank you, Steve. where they drizzled, melt the cheese onto your food.

But I'm here to tell you about some fun instance of culture shock I experienced while staying in the Big Apple. We checked out the museum of the moving image, which is one of the most marvelous places, especially if you're a film buff. It absolutely is. It's amazing. It's a treasure. And as someone who loves all things, Jim Henson, I particularly enjoyed their permanent exhibit. No, it's Henson. What did I say?

He said Henson. What a fucking asshole. I mean, it's right there. Come on, it's symmetry. Come on, it's jokes of symmetry. All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. I could have spent all day there basking the history of cinema or geeking out over their giant Freddy's chest of souls artifact they have in there.

For a total polar opposite experience, however, we visited one of the most grungy film places, trauma studios. What? Which relocated to Long Island from Hell's Kitchen. I thought it was always in Long Island City, but maybe that's what they mean? They were in Hell's Kitchen for a while. You would like just go to Troma? I didn't know this. I wouldn't even think. Are you on your phone getting tickets already?

No, no, no. You can see I'm not because I don't want to. It was an interesting place to visit and they had loads of practical effects strewn around the building that they had used in previous films. Look, what does that mean? A squib? Oh, it's Toxie's Bob! Oh, wow, $35 to get in, huh? A cut-out picture of

pornography taped to the wall. Very cool. A bucket of sex toys. $35 to get in. Brought my whole family. All the masters for their movies on tape and cellular stores stored in a

vault slash audition room. Man sure hope there's not a fucking tragic fire there. No, no, no, no. It's not $35 to get in. It's $35 for the whole place. What do you want? And then there's $15 for the vaccine. So I know what I had to call.

I called multiple times in advance to set up a tour. Oh, come on. Why? We didn't drop by unannounced and they never answered. So when we. we came a call and they were filming auditions for their next film

Slop Bucket You should have Kevin it's Slop Bucket 4 Shut up I'm trying to get a part in Slop Bucket 4 now What? You can just show up

at an audition? Wow man You could be in the pictures Eric Oh my God Well we can all be My question is like So you just showed up

At a place of business expecting a tour I mean Trom has a place of business But you know They gotta be doing something Yeah I don't

Well young man You're not the first fan To come along Thinking all the crazy things that go on in the mad magazine offices. Yeah. I wonder if they just didn't update their website and it said call for tours on it. Oh, wait, trauma being a behind

the times, huh? That's weird. 1,900 Toxy, dude. Guys, it gets worse. When the time came for the tour to end, they stood at the door silently staring us down for a minute, their body language screaming, get out until we thank them for their time and left.

Since that Friday fell on the 13th, I knew I had to find a theater screening. Jason takes Manhattan priorities, you know. Unfortunately, the only screening was at the Nighthawk, and I didn't want to travel that far out on my own, so I settled on videology in Brooklyn as they were screening Friday the 13th in 3D. Dude, wait, you were literally right there. They're pretty much next to each other. Videologies right down the street from Nighthawk, or it was videologies out of business now, but I don't know who told you, who gave you a map to. Wow, bad directions, bud. You were right there.

You could have seen it. You were there. Although I will say Friday the 13th 3D was pretty good. I mean, it's a better movie. It's a better movie. Yeah. But you're in New York City. You can go see.

Jason takes Canada. It's right there. I feel so bad he was right there. And if you don't know, Nighthawk is sort of like a local New York City, Alamo-esque type of theater. I think it's better. It's a lot of fun. It's the dinner and drinks in a movie situation.

sure yeah uh okay so uh disappointingly in red and blue and a glove i mean that's just how the movie was released yeah they wanted like the imax glasses i also like how this guy was like oh man i hope i can see a movie like it's it's amazing that you had your choice of two friday the 13th movies god damn yeah that's pretty i hope they're playing jason takes manhattan they are but it's too far fuck you go very much you're sitting there. Fuck you go. Come on. But we're staring you down saying, get out. My wife and I

went our separate ways. Oh, boo. I'm sorry, dude. Wow. This vacation took a turn for the worst, man. And traveled the subways to get from 42nd Street to Brooklyn. Videology is a pretty cool place. You were right there. You could have taken, from a story, you could have taken the end of the seven to the G.

That's fine. That's fine. It's fine. You don't take a cab. Anyway, on my journey back, I'm just skipping some. On my journey back, I was hustling through a subway platform when two girls hollered out for me to stop. Oh, shit.

I did, and they told me that I nearly stepped in a giant puddle of blood. Excuse me? That's a giant puddle of blood. Well, only in New York. Yeah, man, wow. Oh, sir, sir, sir, that's a giant puddle of blood. I mean, that's probably better than anything you saw at the traumas studio. No, you probably saw the drama studio.

Lloyd Kaufman's pencil sharpener. Looking down upon this Lake of Crimson, I immediately jump back and asked... Wow, Lake of Crimson, by the way. I love when there's good writing in the fan emails. I dig it, dude. I dig it. Makes me want to go to hell. I asked out loud, how has no one cleaned this up yet? they looked at each other and then to me it's New York they don't which I'm sure is an exaggeration but you tell me

it is only slight exaggerate just a little little slight bust a mop out here yeah eventually garbage water goes away yeah becomes garbage air just evaporates and now the good news is now that Cuomo won't fix the L train it's going to be a river of blood oh the river of blood

between 14th Street and Brooklyn perfect Overall, I love the trip and would go back again in a heartbeat. Fellas, are there any crazy subway shenanigans or awkward encounters you've had as late in NYC? Nathan from Dallas, Texas. Nathan, thank you for the letter. Thank you for being a good sport while we ridiculed it. I'm just bummed that he missed the Nighthawk, man.

You were literally like a block and a half away. What a bummer. What a stone-com. whole bummer for you to be finding that out right now Nathan actually last week or the week before Eric Eric and I were taking the oh right I didn't thank you for bringing this up because I don't even

remember this shit because it's just hey it's like weather here oh no exactly half the stuff just bounces right off you but the way where we record in the secret location at the end of the line and there's two A trains one's like one's waiting to go and ones

nothing nowhere but we we record in Jamaica Queen in any event 1A train is waiting Eric and I get on that one one pulls in and people get out and people are mad at this guy because he was smoking on the train

oh shit yeah it's a big no-no and like I'm like trying to ignore it you know what I mean like this lady comes into our train because she wants to the conductor to do something the conductor's not going to do anything they're not going to do anything baby no way

he's not going to involve he's not going to risk his life because somebody was smoking on the train. You know what I mean? And this guy is clearly not where he should be. Right. And like this lady's yelling at him

and like she's like, you son of a bitch, I'm pregnant and all the shit. And all, you know, rights to her. Sure. Totally within her rights.

Yes. She leaves. And then this other guy shows up for no reason trying to not even be a hero, but like just trying to get like points. The point has been made. Their fingers in the end.

Oh, I meant like getting social points. Yeah, he was. He was just, oh, he's doing both. He was like, listen, buddy, this is not okay. People are, people are trying to get to work. They don't need to smell smoke and da-ah-da-da-da. And I'm like, leave it alone, man.

And this guy is like clearly totally messed up. Just walk away. He's like six foot four. He's a big dude. Yeah. Honey, honey, are you recording it? Keep it steady. Keep it steady.

And this lady was about to eat a sandwich and then he snatched it out of her hands. What? And she just punched him in the head. And I was like, you know what? And this is like She was fucking kicking this dude's ass She punched him like in the head And then like threw him into the subway wall

Yes, it was like you know what? Why are you just telling me this now? This is just this is just It hasn't registered to me until somebody was like What's the weirdest thing that's happened to you lately? That's incredible We ran out of there and got it We went down the few cars down

Yeah A couple of big tough guys over here Walk away Exactly. Just ignore them all. Not my fight. Somebody smoked. I mean, like, you know, something was going on, I might have gotten involved.

No, I wouldn't. Well, if something truly heinous was. Yeah, certainly. This was just a guy out of his gourd. And I don't know why this person even engaged with them, not only to talk to them, but to fight him. That's crazy. This is up there with that our Arizona shit bomb story. That was bad.

That's the best top for us, I think. That was, yeah. To briefly recap, there was a couple of, uh, guys probably Covington High School alums who fucking were messing with this homeless woman on the train Don't fuck with these people.

Guys were clearly on cocaine. Just like hyped up to shit. It was a bad like she had everything in a cart kind of a thing. She had a fucking Arizona bottle. They opened it. The train immediately exploded with this fucking smell and they started

screaming she keeps her piss and shit in a bottle. By the way, I should also mention this was at like 1230 at night late night train everybody just desperately wanted to get home everyone just buttoned up you know what I mean to yourself exactly you've got your area he's got his area that's his area that's his area these like banana republic wearing motherfuckers were just like messing with this homeless woman it was fucking horrible and just like you guys immediately at the next stop Chris and I fucking bounced out of that next car exactly that's the move uh all right so what do we think we got two more here we want to do

both we want to do one we can cut this next one the last one's just in our wheelhouse all right let's do the wheelhouse one just save some time here for folks alright here we go the shit that cleared the iMacs i think i know what wheelhouse this is in

okay good day we hate movies uh i have a terrifying and gross story for my days working at a rave movie theater back in 2011 that i wanted to share a rave is like the chain i was gonna say yeah i say it I see, okay.

I thought it was like some sort of like, you're trying to watch a movie while also like, they wheel in a cart and you can buy Molly and X. Oh, yeah, dude. Do rave still happen? Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

I've never been invited to one. I think they're called EDMs. Oh, yeah, that's true. Is that electronic dance music? Yeah, that sounds right. All right, here we go. Summer 2011, I worked as an assistant manager at Rave Cinema's. Stony Brook in Louisville, Kentucky,

and relentlessly abuse my authority, getting friends and family in free to theaters whenever possible. One of my close friends had shown up with his brother to see Transformers Dark of the Moon, so the least I could do is get them in free and prevent Michael Bay from earning more from the franchise. Dark of the Moon was showing in the IMAX,

which was located on the left wing of the theater, theater number four, and directly across from theater number three, and a men's and women's room restroom situation. It was slower than normal mid-afternoon Sunday and I was on the floor handling customer issues and checking to see

that movies were dropping and ushers were cleaning them in a timely manner. My walkie buzzed and I received an urgent request from an usher that something was terribly wrong near the IMAX and that customers were starting to leave mid-movie from theaters number three and number four.

Instinctively, I ran to see what was the matter when my sell phone began going wild too I checked it to see my friend had texted OMG what is that all capital letters along with multiple other inquisitions of the same big kind this only hurried my pace as I knew

he was in that very theater this has me thinking Godzilla's here yeah we're like a chud maybe a chud outbreak possible chud outbreak I'm thinking for sure they remind me of chuds if you get bitten by a chud you turn into a chud uh

or do you have to think it's to have been like the get the radiation treatment. Sure, what the hell. I'm going to Chud 1. No, no, no, no, no. Chud 1, I think they're just killing people. Oh, okay. Chud 2, it's just zombies. I think Chud 1, it's toxic waste. Where do I apply

to become a chud is my question. The New York City subway system. Port Authority. Smoke a cigarette on the A train and he turned into a chutz. That's right. After I crossed the midsection into the IMAX wing, I stopped dead

still in my run when the single most disgusting smell of my life invaded my sand says, I gagged and had to cover my mouth with a wet rag and nose with a literal close pin to keep going. Where'd you get a clothespin from? Oh, my lord. It's happened before. It was true

and customers were filing out of theaters number three, number four, and now number five, as the smell had permeated through the hallways. My friend crossed my path and jokingly asked for his money back while he bailed for the exit, giving me the sign of the cross.

I radioed a dependable and loyal usher named Sam to come help me and bring all the cleaning supplies we had for whatever we were about to experience. Pinpointing the bathroom across from the IMAX, I felt relieved that whatever it was was at least contained to the appropriate area. The bathroom was the men's standard size with the sinks and urinal, so everything is a bathroom, at the front to the left, Then stalls to the back left behind a wall There's white tiles

There were toilets Thank God it wasn't carpeted We had flowing water All right how high were the ceilings Upon entering We did not understand how ill-equipped we were The bathroom was covered in shit At every turn

The mirrors sinks Urinals, walls, floors, stalls, How does it happen? handles and finally most of the toilet in the last stall on the left. You have to hoard your own shit and then bring it something.

This is what happens when you led Jeffrey Rush into your establishment. Jeffrey Rush. He's writing a poem you think? It was a true shit apocalypse. Not minutes into

assessing how clean the abomination that was once a restroom. I was radioed that people were beginning to flood out of theater number 16 on the other side of the building. Can't do it. Theater 16, another shit incident. Another shitting and shit. It was here that we had found the sad and solemn culprit.

A senile old man had been found in theater number 16 in the front handicapped row, still sitting in his excrement, covered pants, taking in Tom Hanks Larry Crowe. Yeah, that checks out. This is like the fucking corrections, man. Holy shit. I don't know about you people, but I think Larry Crown is a winner. As other patrons quickly evacuated upon his arrival. The restroom in theater number 16 were closed until the following Friday,

but consistently during their deep cleans, customers were leaving movies and neighboring theaters. Early demanding refunds. There is no idea just how much business that theater lost due to the carpet bombing of a shit that old that the old man left in his wake just to see Tom Hanks go back to college. Thanks for all your wonderful material. Charlie in Louisville, Kentucky. Well, thank you, Charlie.

But here, I think that's just a garbage chair situation. They put a garbage bag over the chair. Guess what? The next movie's rolling. That's exactly right. I mean, I've told all the theater horror stories about those years, man. Actually,

now that's reminding me of this happened to me the other day. just got a Nintendo Switch fairly recently and I've gotten really into this Zelda game. Yeah. Never played it before. I really, really loving it. And I'm like, you know, the train is when I have the most time to play it.

Sure. So I'm playing it on the train. I finally get a seat on the path train. Very rare for me, especially morning rush hour. Right. And there's a lady like three seats away, about seven feet away from me. Covered in shit. And it's not a super crowded train because it was like during the holiday

break sort of and she's just vomits everywhere. Oh, but it's like a clear vomit and like, just glack all over the door. And it's like, how far, how far away are you from the, like, like from you to me, basically. Nice. But, but it was nothing hit me, but basically. So I'll do a little improv here. Oh, please. So, you know, she's doing, she's doing that. Some people get up. She starts to dry feeble and I mean first of all I felt bad for it because she was visibly sick like you know what I mean like her face was beat red like she was not doing okay

she's like taking napkins out of her bank to try and clean some of this up it's not really helping you know what I mean like it was it burning through the seats but like here I am and I'm like some people get up some people hadn't which kind of emboldened me I'm like well I'm going to stay seated yeah so I'm just kind of playing

and I just kind of go like this a little bit every so often and just got to find that next shrine man yeah it was uh it was not cool it was very disgusting that's rough dude but I stayed because my game was on the line you know those shrines are important

yeah those shrines are very important well that is WHM mailbag for the month of January thank you so much for writing and if you want your questions answered or your disgusting stories read on the air we all hate movies at gmail less disgusting stories would be great too

that would be pretty cool or more like maybe listen to an episode and be like, oh, I saw that movie once. And something funny, but not absolutely having to deal with shit happened to me. I kind of wish I read that other email. Maybe we'll do that next month.

Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. I'm going to be I'm going to be in a I'm going to I'm I'm going

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm a I'm

I'm and I'm That was a hate gum podcast.