We Hate Movies - S9: WHM Mail Bag: Crazy Landladies, Getting Scared at "Blade," and Working at the Shrek 4-D Show!

Episode Date: July 18, 2019

On this month's dip into the WHM letter sack, the gang is chatting about a threatening landlady, tire fires, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, watching uncomfortable movie sex scenes with parents, and much, much more! PLUS: Premium Steve is available now for only $3.99 a month! If you want your stories read on the air—or if you have a specific question for the gang—write into the mail bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupiter alongside what turned out to be the whole gang. Finally. Eric Siska. Stephen Sadek. Christopher Cabin. We are here to read some letters. What? You pointed at me first because I'm first made of the gang. Wow. We're ranking each other now. No, dude, you're just going to be the first one I killed. That's fine. I'm the rook. dude. Oh shit. You're going down, Rook.

What's great about the rook is it can move almost anywhere on the board. It's got a really good, not like anywhere. It's not the queen. It's got good power moves. It's all straight lines though,

man. Bishop is like, oh man, do I gotta fucking solve a math problem to move this guy or what? Diagnels? Christ. As you can tell,

chess is in our game. You know, knights are the worst because it's like, Rint-T-T-T-T-T-T-W. Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry. What is it like? Rint-Tin-T-T-T. Oh, got it.

By the way. of this later. It's on YouTube. You could see me go and it's like, yeah, oh, wow, the queen, you know, she can't do the knights move. Good. I don't need it. That's enough. Yeah, that's enough with the L chain. It was always so weird to me with chess because it was always just like,

yeah, a woman can't move like that. You know, what was weird for chess for me? What's that? That I didn't understand it. That's not weird at all. I got a game for you, Chris, Strattigo. I'm way into Tritigo. I thought you were going to say checkers. That's what I thought, too.

Chris just thought that chess was black and white checkers. Stratigo. No, that's Othello. Excuse me. Wait, what the hell is Stratigo? It's like risk for idiots? Yes, exactly. It's like one on, it's one on one risk and it doesn't take five hours, basically.

And it's like you got like these little you, are they like, it's like, it's like Napoleonic looking out there. And it's just like, he's hiding in the bushes. Well, it's basically like, yeah, you don't know what anybody else has. You try to attack somebody and then the highest number wins. So wait, was that the one we played in the bar that one? time or was it risk? I think it was no, it was risk. Okay. Yes. So I played the smart one. We had like some epic risk games in college. Days on end. Love risk. Like Newman and Kramer try to take on the

subway. Maybe we'll do a live stream of a risk game. That's because risk goes on for a while and you could really start talking shit. I'll tell you this game. I would like that. We are seriously trying to figure out a board game podcast situation. Send us your Rex. Yeah. What would you like to see us play live? I do have risk. I have risk as well. And I'm at risk. constantly for all sorts of things. Well, this is a mailbag episode. That's right. So we have some letters. We're going to read them really quickly.

Or, you know, at your leisure, whatever you prefer, Steve. Sure. So Steve will start us off here, as always. You know, you're at-risk joke. Maybe cough. My Super Story. Hi, W.H.M. Gang. Your episode of The Super reminded me of my previous Super who is basically a female Joe Pesci.

One gross. And now The Super is one of those episodes of movies that you probably haven't seen. Yeah. I want to say you can always, what is like, what the fuck is this movie? I can't even find it.

Then just listen to the episode. Yeah, I'll tell you, it's what I refer to you here on the show is the slips through the cracks episode because nobody gives a fuck about that movie. But I will say, I'm particularly proud of that episode. So if you are a lot of fun riff,

saving it until you can find a fucking, you know, Salvation Army VHS of that movie, don't waste your time. Just listen. Also, the super is for rent. You can rent it. You know,

it's not like vibes where you actually, have to do a hunt to go and find this movie. The super is on Amazon. Yeah. Just, just letting you know. So I moved into my first apartment with three of my friends at a bad part of the town. Oh, dude, you're gonna. Now who's at risk? Dude, you're gonna fucking, you are gonna kill yourself. Oh shit, it's the zodiac. This is why you need to be watching this on YouTube. Yeah, you could watch someone die on camera.

It's just these, these antics you don't see when you normally listen to the So I moved to my first apartment with three of my friends in a bad part of town. That's like to start of a Springsteen song, by the way. A bad part of town. Moving in with three of my factory friends. I could do actually the next line in Springston. Oh, please. We had a flower shop that was always had a flower shop with a back room that had more clients than the actual shop and a bar that managed to burn down three.

times in a span of a year. This is late Springsteen, I guess. Dude, you could sell out the garden. Take that to Old Broadway, dude. Despite all that, despite all that, our landlord is a pretty sweet old lady, a pretty sweet lady, I added old for no reason.

I thought she was Joe Pesci. Female Joe Pesci. She was a female, Joe Pesci. She was two feet old. look like a troll Allegedly Allegedly She looks like a troll

She would Always get back to us Fairly quickly If something came up And managed to stay Mostly out of our hair About two years into renting the place I heard this loud

I heard a loud police knock at the door Oh shit The kind of knock that tells you You better answer the door In the next five seconds Or I will knock it down Fuck cop knock I come to answer it with one of my

with one of my roommates and who do I see but a 50 year old lady a company of the 6'5 gentlemen staring daggers at me Eap. She tells me that she tells us that the building was under new management that she was the new super

and that she was here to collect the rent she doesn't introduce the large man standing behind her and he just keeps glaring at. Give me to rent. Give me to rent. There was a new old lady in town. here to six foot five guy next to it was good of being someone in the NBA

I'm obviously very confused and I was never informed of any new management or anyone coming over with heavy backup to collect rent backup so I calmly explained that like we did for the two years prior our rent will be sent directly to the owner of this building on time and even

and even offer her to pay cash directly for a discount. Or even if her offer... Or even if her offer to pay... Oh, I see, she was like, give me a little less than the rent. Oh, if you give it to me, like, just in cash? Yeah, this is a scam.

Now I got it. A rent will be sent directly to the owner of this building on time and even if her offer to pay her in cash directly for a discount, seems tempting. We will keep using direct transfers so there's no more need for her to come back

on the first day of every month. she seems pretty displeased with this well because she's a criminal yeah but like I said we always paid our rent on time so she had no leg to stand up and she literally didn't she just had two little wooden pirate legs and rollers in the hair too

you know just like Joe Pesci I thought that that was the end of it but before she leaves she takes a quick look at our place and notices my roommate's summer tires that he had left inside before placing them into storage and she says by the way you can't keep tires here

They are highly flammable, and my sister burned to death when I was eight. And I would take that. Oh, shit. My sister burned it. I'm going to do this as she did. My sister burned to death when I was eight, and I would hate to see the same thing happen to you. Oh, shit, dude. Now I know it's total bullshit.

Tires are rubber, literally one of the least flammable materials on earth. And I mean, why would tires be even, why would tires even be flammable? would you put them on your car if they would catch fire the minute spark touches or there's a heat wave? That makes no sense I just nodded and sent her on her way once your deal was over with my roommate turns to me and says

did that little old lady just threatened to set the building on fire? We both nervously laugh and called the landlord to make sure I wasn't just some woman trying to scam us out of our rent money. Turns out she was actually told the truth I know. Shocker flash forward a few weeks later my semester is over and the house burned down. Hold on a second

She was saying tires were flammable. That was true. And the landlord knows that. Flash forward a few weeks later, my semester is over. And I decided to treat myself to a nice home-cooked steak with homemade fries and some steamed vegetables. It takes about an hour to prepare the whole thing. And before I can have my first bite, I hear another police knock at the door. Only this time, it's my super and her bodyguard.

It's not. It's not my super and her bodyguard. But it's actually five firemen. One, two, three, four, five. Apparently there's been a gas leak and the building needs to be evacuated immediately. There are tires in here. Get down.

It's like the end of backdraft. It's a build all the tires. The tire. You see like the fire dancing on the tire. Carrustle, no. One time I was living at home. I was in my early 20s and just me and my brother in the house

and I was taking a shower and he runs into the bathroom. Steve, there's a gas leak. And I'm like, yeah, I'm taking his shower. out in a minute. But there's a gas, like we have to get out of the house right now. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I got work in 10 minutes. So I kind of like jauntily just kind of

got my shit together. I'm like, when I come out, all the animals in the house are locked up and on the stoop, and he's like, and I'm like, yeah, it's fine, look, we're fine. And I just, I took a cab to work, but yeah, you were high as shit. Mostly so. He couldn't read for four days.

That was just normal. I looked at the thing thinking, oh my God, she did it. She made good on her threat. She's going to kill us. They barely give me time to grab my coat. And me and my roommates and the whole complex proceeds

to wait two hours outside during the worst Canadian winter barely clothed for the situation. Barely clothed for the situation to get resolved. Turns out she wasn't the culprit, just the general incompetence and just her general incompetence,

and she went on to creep us out for many all months, many more months, until we all quickly moved out. Wow. I still see my previous roommates often and our, remember that time we taught our, we thought our super tried to murder us, is one of our favorite memories that took place right after. Remember the time she didn't fix the main entrance lock for months, so homeless people started sleeping in our hallways? Anyway, that was my The Super story. I know you already talked about it during the podcast, but do you have any more horrible apartment stories? I love those. Thanks. Your fan from Montreal, Antoine.

Yeah, I do. Oh. In our, I don't know if I ever told the story on the air. In our old apartment in Astoria, we were like already getting ready to leave the apartment. And they had been doing construction in the building. And like every time someone like vacated an apartment, they just gutted the fucking thing. And they were like doing full reno and then like jacking the rent prices. so we were like one of the last holdouts to move out

and so it was like a ghost town in the building and like the fucking construction guys were acting like no one lived there they were like leaving garbage in the hallway they were fucking smoking like inside it was awful so a lot of the time that we lived in that apartment there was like a ceiling leak in the bathroom

and the super would always come and like fucking patch it up and whatever and drink from the leak right yeah yeah it made him stronger So one day I'm working from home And I'm about to take a shower And they'd been renovating the place upstairs About to get in the shower

And phone rings It was someone from work And I was like all right Well I rarely get a call from work So this is probably a big deal Let me take the call I take the call And like 30 seconds into this phone call

I hear this huge crashing sound And I fucking go in the bathroom And the entire ceiling had caved in right and fallen all into the fucking bathtub and if it wasn't for this co-worker calling me like I would have had my neck broken shit like really yeah dead yeah like tons of like just sealing and shit in between all just like fell into our bathtub and I look up and this construction dude is looking down and he just goes you would have saw you naked well yeah dead naked too and he just goes sorry and I fucking

lost my mind and like final destination ever since dude yeah I've been dodging the Reaper man left and right fucking Tony Todd it turned into this whole thing the fucking building manager came and I was fucking screaming at this guy and like I've gotten like

into it with people before but nothing like this I was fucking screaming at this guy and he was like we're going to do everything we can they're going to patch it up right now it'll be done today blah blah you know and you know I hope that you know I forget what said but he extended his hand and i fucking turned around i turned my back to him and stared out the

window until he left wow years later i come to find out there's a story in the in the times about fucking a certain uh son-in-law getting fucking sued to ribbons about about fucking yeah it was Polly Shore about like crooked fucking renovation fraud and whatever it's fucking it's the Cush

it's Jared Cushner and I fucking there's a picture in the Times and I'm like huh he almost killed you Jared Cushner that killed you that fucking like awning looks very familiar and I fucking zoomed in sure as shit that fucking piece

of trash owned that building and was lowballing it with renovation and blah, blah, blah. That sounds all correct. So, like, fuck that guy from here to kingdom come. But, yeah, so that's my fucking shit-ass apartment store. It's a slightly jollier one. Jolly's good.

When I first moved here, I lived in Williamsburg with some of our friends from Purchase. And it was still, this was like, it was a studio, but we had it, like, blocked off to be separate bedrooms. You built those walls. The bedrooms had no ceilings. But, like, the outside, when you got it. in the hallway. It was all drywall still. It was like trying to sleep in the middle of a Saturday Night Live

set. Because like it was just like that's accurate. It didn't actually, nothing was real. Yes, there were rooms but they didn't complete. Those walls were just flats. You could just imagine a camera and a crane coming down in the room. I want to thank Stephen

Baldwin for stopping by. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. R.E.M. Andy Sandberg was great, huh? Um, no, so one of these nights, I don't know if this just came to become a, like a thing amongst the group of friends, but one night we're all heading out. And there is a drawing of some random person with the, um, name Dr. Poop Shadow. Dark, Dr. Boop Shadow. Oh, of course. And this became like, I'm just now finding out that's where it's from. Yes. Yeah. Heard Poop Shadow for years. You know the dark origin. Oh, yeah.

I think it was an oft-guessed Justin J. Case, who originally really glommed onto this, like, what? Poop Shadow. And just somehow this turned into the thing that we referenced when we had to take a shit. Well, all right, yeah, I'll step in here for a second. Yeah, it's a clarifying in-joke. It's because you get shadowed. Right.

We made a verb out of it. Yeah, it's basically... Don't use this, by the way. It's too late. If you're in a position where you're not exactly ready to go to the bathroom and you do the hop! Yep. And you've got to run and, you know, time is running quickly. That is you get shadowed by Dr. Poop Shadow.

Right. That's when he uses this fictitious villain. Yes. I should have asked the Marvel expert to really go into that. And we'll be able to break it down. Well, you're getting the origin story, right? You know. Legend has it.

He would only be taken down by Sir Poop Juice. So I was taking it, I was smoking a Jay while in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And then I just started to do graffiti, Dr. Coup Shaddle. Hey. Oh, man. I got a quick apartment story. Oh, please do it. When I moved out in New York City, I lived just outside of it now. And I commute down.

But we were moving out. I, uh, we took, we were moving. It was like the last truckload of shit. Oh, yeah. And I was like, okay. So I got these two bags of just garbage to take out, throw it out. you know, a lot, but then we'll be on our way. And the super of the building insisted that my movers take the bags of garbage

onto the moving truck. What? And I didn't find out about this until I moved them into my fucking new place. Yeah. So I just had like two bags of garbage from Queens. Dude, you should have driven back and fucking left them in front of the building. He's so tempted. He didn't want to lift it up because he ain't no Hercules.

I ain't no Hercules. I'm not picking up all these garbage bags. To get that joke, download that super episode. All right, Chris Cabin. Okay. Getting pissed at movies. Dear W.HM, I've been a loyal listener since my dad sent me down the podcast wormhole in 2013. You get down there. God damn it.

You think this thing isn't loaded? Get down the wormhole. I am just shocked. Being recommended this show by your dad. Yeah, totally. How old's your dad? Is he our age? Oh, that could be. your show always makes my dang cackle by myself like a crazy person. I'm pretty chill when it comes to movies, even the bad ones.

That's cool. If it's bad or horrible, I'll just move on or joke about how bad it is until recently. My fiancé and I were just relaxing, watching a movie one night. She was halfway through it. I just walked in and settled down called The Prodigy from 2019. Steve, did you actually see this? No, I didn't. It's on my list.

I really want to see that. I'm a sucker for a haunted kid movie. Oh, it's. Oh, it's this, okay. Yeah, it's not good. This came and went. Hold on a second. The kids are haunted.

The kid is haunted. Like, there's a ghost inside of the kid. Yeah, totally. Really? Big fan of those. So don't go in that kid. Noted. The call is coming from inside the kid.

He ate my cell phone. All right. A slight spoiler for the movie. It turns out the evil kid is actually a serial killer reincarnated into this kid as he was born. BTW, that's not a slight spoiler. That's the fucking whole turn there, buddy. The whole entire movie. For a movie, everybody cares about.

Yeah, I mean, it's fine. It's like Chuckie, but with a real life boy. It actually is. I've seen it. Yeah, I saw it. I did see it. And that's about what it is. You're not really.

It's kind of weirder than that. Does he? Yes. Push this forward a bit. They can't see your beautiful face. Oh, there we go. Oh, beer face. Pull it towards you.

Oh, there we go. What if we all did beer face? It's me, beer face. Shud me free beer. Yeah, there you go. Now you got a better out of it.

Yeah, yeah. Poop shadows. You want to be able to see Steve as much as possible. Can you hear me though? Yeah. Okay. Oh, that's, yeah.

No, you kind of made it. Now you're good. There you go, okay? Yeah. But it's kind of far away from you. Yeah. I'm just trying to get premium Steve. How's your chair?

You've got to go to the YouTube channel to get premium Steve. Premium Steve. It's coming right up after. You're getting premium. You could listen to this for free, but for premium Steve, it's $3.99 a month.

And that gets you access. to top tier videos custom videos you know what I'm talking about do you remember Canboy solo play Steve's a Camboy now Do you remember it was on a comedy central

premium blend where they would Oh sure It would be like remix of comedy sets It was just like hey we've got fucking 29 hours of stand up comedy How do we cut it up And how do we repackage it for it? Yep and it doesn't matter

They can be in different venues It can be different decades Nobody gave a flying fuck producing premium blend. You can't hear me though? What's that? You can hear me going out? Yeah. Okay. I was that. Just be sure to open your mouth. The voice is coming from inside the kid.

The minute I heard this, I became livid. My suspension of disbelief refused to believe this. And I would hear anything else. I wouldn't hear anything else this piece of garbage told me. Are you a reference to the wife? Yeah. I guess the movie. Yeah. My fiancée found amusement in my anger. Well, good for her.

Which, to her credits, seemed a bit irrational. I normally don't get heated like this. The only other time I can think of is when my dad came and told me about Thanos at the end of Avengers. Wow. So wait, do they have a vice versa thing going on here? The dad is telling them about this podcast and fucking Avengers Affinity War. And the kid is just pissed off at home. the last no it's the thanos fucking stinger is what they're referring oh that's what they're oh yeah still

remember like the last movie my dad literally ever talked to me about yeah was saving private riot then the weekend it came out yeah in 1998 yeah and then after that it's the shutters closed that's the end of movies movies have finished wow and we don't watch new movies we watch that movie the be all end all you don't show them like other war movies or are you just a few I hardly show him my face, Chris. No, I do. We're all fine. It's good.

Thanos at the end of Avengers and I looked at him dead face and said no. Any case, do you remember the first time you became upset or angry at a movie or something it's done? Thanks for all the laughs. Jeffrey. Good question. The first time? My first time. No, although I remember the realization.

I had when I was seeing Don't Mess with the Zoltan in theaters I got mad at myself Is that a big remake? I think it's Zohan It's Zohan. Oh Zoltan Zoltan is the fortune-telling robot and big Yeah, that's why he just asked if it was a big

remake. He was making fun of me. I thought you meant Legas and like a big look at that budget. Look at that budget. Don't mess with the Zohan and around the time he was beating up a person with his feet. I got so mad at myself I was like, you could be doing anything right now. You could be home sleeping.

You could be trying heroin for the first time. Here you are watching Don't Mess with the Zohan. I get so furious I just fucking up and left. I left the theater. I mean, I get angry at movies quite a bit. Hence, all of it. Yeah. Yeah, you're always pissed off whenever we do the show.

I'm trying to think of a notable one that I haven't mentioned on the show, but somebody else take my... I mean, I walked out of Mortal Kombat Annihilation. I think I mentioned that on our Mortal Kombat Ennihilation. episode. Couldn't walk out of the show though, yeah. I got really pissed off recently with Voxelux. I was like, you think you're so fucking smart.

Fuck you. Fuck everything about that. I really like that movie a lot. Now it's up to you really like it. Yeah, dude. At first it was like, yeah, it's fine. Now it's now I really like it. You're just mad because you're not smart enough to understand. Yeah, you know, you're probably right. But you know what? Maybe someday I will figure out how to

understand how cool mass shootings are. Fuck you. I feel like that part didn't need to be a part of that movie, but I kind of... Which of the three mass shootings you have to watch in that movie? There's a more... Is there more than just the star?

There's two. Well, there's one that you watch twice. One as it happens, and then one... P-O-V fucking badass. Fuck you! It's still better than a star is born. Yes.

Now, is there a mass shooting at the end of the credits? Stingers see? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I got pretty fucking... No, you know, Birdman pissed me off. There you go. You were just bitching about that the other day.

Yeah, just every time I think about it, because I'm a huge Raymond Carver fan, and it was this thing. And was he the Birdman in real life? Well, no, that's what they're adapting. What do we talk? He wrote the Birdman. No, he did not.

He wrote a Birdman writer. What we talk about, what we talk about Love. And it was like, oh, it's like based on that, that's the play. And then like, I like, I like the whole cast and I was like, this movie's going to be great. Everybody says it's great.

And I was like, oh, this is just fucking irritating. and you could save every piece of that movie. It's interesting because, I mean, I haven't really thought about Birdman in a while in any way other than like that time you brought it up a few weeks ago. Sure. And I guess right now.

But I didn't hate it. But In Your Read 2 is one of those directors where like at least everyone who's like seen the, uh, his body of work has been burned by at least one of his movies. Of course. Every other movie of his is awful. And you want,

And then one of them is like, whoa, it's great. Yeah. It's weird how that guy keeps, like, building his, like, cachet back up. But, like, Babel, man. Babel, that was the one for me. That was the one for me. Hated Babel. I liked the, um, did we see that together?

Maybe. I like the Leonardo DiCaprio and the, in the Revenant. Yes. I like that a lot. Can I tell my Babel story really quickly? It's got nothing to do with anything. Babel. I went to a preview screening of a Babel the day I got hired to work with the Jacob Burns.

at a preview screening that night and In Urichu was there and so movie ends fucking hated it but I was like I was like cool in Uritu though like I'll stick around for this

you know so he comes out to do this Q&A and in the audience is Deborah Winger noted actress Urban Cowboy the lovers Deborah Winger right she's not in Babel and I don't think she's ever worked

with Inya Ritu in a movie ever right I can think of he spot her from the crowd and goes, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah Winger, and everybody's like, but I'm like, why? Like, what is happening? And he goes, oh, Debra, you saved my life. And me, Sean Winer, and Justin J.Ks were all at this screening.

I didn't remember you were Justin. I remember Sean was there. We were all looked at it like, really? What? But that was it, though. There was no other reference to how, like, what the circumstances, like, why his life was in danger? He's just a big fan of Shadowlands. I mean, dude, it is a mystery for the ages how she saved his life.

She was part of a Black Ops team that got him out of kidnapping. Got him out of kidnapping. He was about to be disappeared, dude. He's going to be one of the fucking Deseraparacitos. And Debra Winger swung in and fucking saved him. I thought he was kidnapped. She got him off kidnapping cold turkey.

You know what's a funny little trivia item from Birdman? Yeah. Is that Michael Keaton plays Birdman and in Spider-Man homecoming he plays the Vulture.

That is the kind of shit you will find on the Mbbb. I guarantee you it's there. I guarantee you it's almost certainly there. Next one. Wulter's a bird. Chris Cabin.

Do it up. No, here it is. Oh, Eric Siska, excuse me. What are we watching? There you go. Hey, movie haters. Hope you're all doing well.

You know what? I'm okay. Yeah, you're not great. That's the entire email. So we can just now talk about how we're doing. With the passing of John Singleton. Fucking tragedy, dude. Trump's still farting around.

It's insane. Singleton's in the ground. What are you implying? Anyway, I've had a lot to reflect on today as far as my experiences with his films, whether we're watching higher learning in the theaters and senior year of high school and wondering, is this what college is going to be like? you better hope not. Jesus Christ.

We're catching two fast, too furious on basic cable a couple of years after it came out and realizing that it was a fun popcorn action flick that might have some pretty decent franchise potential. Wow. Well, yeah. Like a couple of little psychics there. Your lips to God's ears and God made that franchise go on for, I think. God also took Paul Walker, though.

That's true. The ninth ones next year, I think. He gives and he takes. so next year he'll take another member of the cast try to guess which one jason statham we'll see you know it's going to happen that's my that's my death pool anyway that's not his letter yeah we'll try to find my spot again um but i think most of i think of uh about boys in the hood is undisputed masterpiece that and one of the decades best dramas and why the first time i watched it was purely by accident because it was one of the

and the cause was one of the biggest laughs I've ever had at a movie but my family missed the film in theaters come on you we're gonna go to you bring your mom and dad boys in the hood with your family so my mom mid 30s mine might have my brother late teens and I mid teens wound up renting it on VHS if a story of a coming it's if a story of coming age in south central Los Angeles seems like a weird film to watch with one's mom. It doesn't

because I watched cruising with my mother. It should be noted that she's coming of age. She studied film since I was a toddler. It remains a movie buff to this day. Tell her about the show. Oh, she hates it.

I still talk to her every so often about my thoughts after I've seen a Cohen brothers, Jim Jarmish, or Spike Lee film for the first time. So we didn't go to this into this movie blind we knew that we knew that singleton was considered a brilliant young visionary and within the first two thirds or so the film's running time we came to the same conclusion wow it is a really good movie yeah it is good there was one thing late in the film we got a

scene where tray cuba gooding junior has sex with brandy nealong no matter how hip your mom is that no teenager wants to share with the room with his parents. They disagree. And she seemed to pick up on that shared awkwardness pretty quickly. Yep. Her solution, which I have to admit, seemed like the only practical immediate measure

at the time, was to fast forward through the scene. Come on, dude, just let a wrap. Yeah, we're already in this. We know what's happening. We know what's happening, dude. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, ma. But since VCR's worked the way they do, this was this only continued to play at this

the sex scene at a much higher playback speed which meant the two teenage boys got to watch Cuban Gooding Jr. sexual undulations. Undulations. That's how you spell that. I've always wondered. You've never unduled, man. Turned into a Benny Hill scene. Now that guy could undulate.

My brother and I completely lost our minds with laughter at the side of the rapid fire humping and I don't think I've ever seen my mom so flustered in her life before or since I suppose it's a testament to the greatness of Singleton's filmmaking that I still came away from the movie

Pagestein legitimately moved even after such an immature laughing fit during RIP to a legend. Sincerely Nate and Nate thank you for this email and I'm sure you sent it a little while ago because he's been dead a little bit now. He has been dead.

He passed in late April. It's all relaxed. It's not that bad. You know, he died. We fast forward. We just got your email. Yeah, you know, sex scenes with parents. There's two kinds of parents in this world.

Parents where that's fine, like Eric's mother and Chris Cabin's parents. I would argue too fine. Too fine. And then my parents, which was like, my mother would leave the room. Or my father, the classic, what is this shit? And I'm like, Dad, you dig it, dude. My mother shut off one movie. And like, sex scenes would come up in movies like.

Just straight up shut off, though. Like turned off the DVD. Really? Once. Un time. It was watching Chasing Amy with her. I don't know why we were doing this. It was my whole, whole family movie night watching Chasing Amy.

Wow. There's a sex scene in that? Well, there is, but that's not what it was. I forgot. It was way before that. And it's, um, it's the scene where Ben Affleck and Joy and Adams are just sitting in the playground and he's like they're talking about you know how can lesbians have sex what about penetration and joey lorne adams does this hand motion she goes well

and does that yeah then that's it this is red oh this is you know this is too much this is wow it was just it wasn't sex but it was the the yeah it painted a picture mr smith painted a picture A pretty clear mother did not want to care to look at. Yeah. Sparks your imagination. Yeah, it sparked a lot of things. Yeah, no, that sets you on a track for the rest of your life. That's what that was.

You and several other people in this room. Absolutely. All right, so here we go. The Blade Incident. Dear W.J.M., I would like to regale you with an instant. You're just telling us a story. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

You get regale someone in an email. Go back to the Renaissance Fair. we're not in a cavern in middle earth you're not going to fucking regale me but I want to be so do it so that I could pretend well let's see what happens maybe you will be regaled

I would like to regale you all with an instance of pure film cowardice it involves me as a child seeing the Wesley Snipes classic Blade needless to say this story does not have a happy ending much like Blade it all began see you are being regaled in the summer

of 1998. I was 11 years old and much like Stephen Sadek. I was a bit of a coward when it came to horror movies. Right on dude. Steve Sadek approved. Uh-huh. Was this still going on in 98? Oh, no, not for Blade. It was. It definitely was. I mean, I saw the... Oh, my God, it was.

I remember seeing Event Horizon and being terrified. Oh, sure. I think that's probably 97 or 99. That's like 97. That sounds 97. I remember... Man, that was that was a great movie to see in the theater at that age. I never saw it on fucking DVD, yeah. Oh, my God. I'll never forget when that dude's like decompressed in space and his eyes like

Yep. Are we talking to someone? No, I was trying to go on IMDB. Oh, weird. You were trying to go an IMDB and it started talking? Because he doesn't use the app, dude. He just fucking goes on the website like a savage. All right, let's see. My dad and I made plans to go see Blade followed by a trip to the pool to finish out the day. Wow. Nice day, man. Yeah, that's good. As we were heading to the movies, my dad kept reiterating that if I got scared, it was okay to leave, giving me an out if things should go bad. Oh, like you're Batman. And then you'll become Blade Man in the future. Remember Batman, and

he got scared at the opera? Oh, right. Can we go? Can we go? All right. All right, little baby. Let's go outside. Oh, wow. Now we're dead. Because you are too scared to be at the opera. Maybe if someone wasn't a stupid baby, I wouldn't be haunting you right now.

Oh, I know, is I wouldn't have been killed at intermission. I would have been popcorn. Hey, Figaro, fuck you. Your mother's pearls will be on a neck, not all over the fucking street.

This guy wouldn't be jerking off on my corpse. Gave your mother a pearl necklace. Snyder cut, dude. We might as well have seen Excalibur. I told him I can handle it, and we went into the theater. Turns out I couldn't handle it.

When the lights went down, a minor feeling of anxiety kicked in, but I tried to ride it out. this feeling got progressively worse during the blood bath scene but was abated when the scene became more action oriented

I was still a bit on edge and it wasn't much longer when Donald Logue rips out a man's throat that I finally broke I told my dad we had to leave and he had to leave we have to leave

he knew Udo Kier was coming I gotta get out of here I hear you I fucking hear you dude Hello it's me Udo Kia I'm sitting next to you on the plane Real Life vampire We have to leave.

We left the theater and drove to the pool. Surprising my mom, brother, and sister that we were there so early. Kevin got scared, was all my dad said. And it led to some light family ribbing to the point that even after I got older and watched more horror, my dad would constantly bring up what he referred to as the Blade incident.

Thanks for the laughs, both free and on Patreon, Kevin. Well, Kevin, thank you for being a loyal Patreon subscriber. And yeah, I get that. Although I started watching horror at a really young age. But I do recall the second film I ever saw in theaters, Ghostbusters 2. And when Vigo the Carpathian first fucking ducked out of that painting a little bit, I fucking lost it. And I hit under the seat. Similarly, the third movie I saw in theaters was Who Frame Roger Rabbit?

Yep. Dude, he talked like that. Dude, I fucking shat trousers. It's still scary. It's still scary. Holy shit, dude. Scarier than insinious. It just might be. Not in that direction because I've told all my scared stories. But not the time you were scared straight. Still hasn't happened. Family jokes at your expense that never go away. Oh, yeah. We were at Sesame Place. There's a picture somewhere in my, I think it's gone missing. And everyone thinks like, what is Sesame Place? A Sesame Place is in Pennsylvania.

It's basically Disney World for Sesame Characters. Right. Yeah. Sesame Seeds? That's Mississippi Street. Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. It's not impregnating Elmo. No, we're not. I didn't know if it was like a really boring Hershey's or something. It's next to the Hershey Park or near enough.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's close that, you know, you can make a whole weekend out of it, dude, if you really want to be bored. Just a bunch of rides about Tahini. No. But there was this. It was a three-tiered column, and, you know, it was one of those things where, like, Gonzo's hit, not Gonzo, a fucking, I don't know, Bert's Head's here. And then, like, Bert's Head's here, and then Big Bird's Bodies here,

and then Ernie's feet are there. And you spin them around. Oh, sure. Disgusting. So it's like the end thing monster, but with all the Sesame characters? No, it's just a little thing for children. It's like a match game kind of. It's a little the thing for children.

like remember in Super Mario 3 when you went to that bonus little mushroom hut and the image flew by and you had to like click, click, click to match up the picture? One of those toad's gambling houses he had? Dude, that guy was a real fucking degenerate.

Hey, Mario has to go? Come here, come out, come out, come on. He's still like that in Mario Odyssey, dude. He's like, oh, hey, you want to come over here and race some fucking turtles? Yeah, what's the Vig on this turtle race? Just stomp on some of their heads. Leave the other ones alone.

Listen, Mario, we need some action. I get you some action on this fucking match game, Mario. No, so, and that's what the thing was. Yeah. And I remember very clearly it was five years old doing it. And me and my brother were both in bathing since the picture. I did it. And then he fucked it up.

And it's a picture of me. And my fucking dad took this picture. And I'm screaming like Batman on the cover of Death of a Fed. Like, tears down my face. No one ever let me forget that picture. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never seen this photo. No, I don't know if it exists anymore. I might have destroyed it in a moment. Oh, the archive fire. Yeah. You cut tires in there, dude. All right. What do you got?

One more? Yeah, that's it. All right. So, this is Shrek for P. Shrek for P. No. Hi, fellas. I'm a big fan of the podcast

and a proud Patreon subscriber. Thank you. By the way, Patreon is great. If you're not on there, pager. com slash we hate, movies. A ton of great stuff. This month we dropped a Kingsman episode. We did

another G.I. Joe animation damnation. We've got an Independence Day commentary coming out. Oh, yeah. Might as well say, Forrest Gump. It's going to be an episode. Yeah, Forrest Gump in July. Patreon bonus, man. Just in time. When I saw you guys in an episode of 2004

is Blockbuster Masterpiece Shrek 2, I had to share my horror story of working at the Shrek 4D theme park show. Wow. Working at, not just a story about attending one time. Nope. Working at.

4D, dude, that means not only three-dimensional Shrek, it's time. No, dude, that means. You know what that means, dude? You are Shrek. It's not time. You no longer look like Shrek. You are Shrek. You're born, no, no.

Listen, it's even worse. The Shrek virus started inside of you. It just means you're smelling shit. Yeah. You're smelling Shrek. I bet you it smells stuff. We're going to find out. I worked at Universal Studios for five plus years.

Wow. And three of those years at the famous now unfortunately closed, Shrek 4D. About six months before we closed, we were running the operation like normal. The operation. And about to close for the night when a very drunk middle-aged man walked into the show.

Oh my God, Mike Myers. Mike Myers wishes he was still middle-aged. One of our positions was to supervise the theater and watch the guests, watch the show just to make the guests, just to make sure the guests don't break the rules. I wish I knew what the 4D thing was, though. I think it's dude, time. It's time stuff.

I mean, you're in a bookcase. Because it's like, it's not 3D, like, shit's popping out of you. It's like, it's there. You're like there. In theaters in Japan, I think, like, you like, when the wind is blowing a lot, like they'll put on like fans. Well, we have that here. Wretched theaters that I'll never go to.

Is that 4D? Is that 4D? In Union Square Regal, they have a 4D theater. That's how I saw Mission Impossible Fallout. Right? That was the most recent one. Yeah, yeah. They had a fan going? There's fans A nuke went off for real. All in the theater. It got really hot. The seats

lift up like you're on a fucking roller coaster. I'm getting fucking duched with water. When they teabone that truck and it falls into the river, when it hits the water this mist you have no idea where that water's coming from

that's disgusting and I accidentally bought tickets to it so I was fucking furious $31 a ticket or something like but it's Manhattan theater prices so I was like

well I guess they renovated and I just bought the ticket the timing worked out leave it for pornos that would be a great porno theater yeah that's what I want fucking jelly hit in my face

yeah you get sprayed with stuff like warm water to simulate piss wait where's this theater they're just vaporizing power glide on you okay all right so this is about

now the 40s is Shrek sex stuff one of our positions was to supervise the theater and watch the guests watch the show just to make sure the guests don't break the rules

the theater is empty except for a tourist group a family of five and one disheveled very drunk man yeah he was the lights go down and I saw the man

sitting all the way in the back. Ew. Not good. He's going to jerk off. Yeah, where else are you going to jerk off? You can't jerk off in the front row. I didn't read ahead. I'm just calling it.

I thought to myself, he's probably going to pass out, and I'm going to have to wake him up at the end of the show. About halfway through the show, the man shot up. Unzipped his pants. Yep, he beat the Shrek.

Took out his flaccid dick. Hell yeah, dude. And started to pee all over the floor and the seat. Wow, Golden Shower, D. Then he proceeded to yell This is for you At the screen And that man later went on

To be president of the United States Then he sat back down Like nothing happened I was shocked But kept my cool And called security Oh my God They arrived shortly after the show

Had concluded Wait yeah way to go security They're like somebody's pushing in there But the show's got to go on You're just hearing the slush In the other scene This is Shrek 4D This is theater

the show must go on I will not interrupt a performance of Shrek 4D to the donkey shit Oh yeah there's a donkey and Shrek They arrived shortly after this show It concluded The other guests in the theater

were clearly mortified And had shuffled out as fast as they could Yep While security was escorting this man Out of the park I could hear him intensely sobbing I'll never know whom he was talking to or why you chose to take a violent piss

at the Shrek show. Violent piss. I've been there. Guess who had to mop up his stinky piss. Oh, I hope someone else. Donkey had to do it. I've seen a lot of shit, literally, while working there, but that image of a sad drunk man yelling at Shrek has always been burned into my brain.

What's the craziest story y'all have? Working at the theater. Keep on Shrekkin. Love Rose. Oh, Rose. Thank you for being a loyal Patreon subscriber. I don't know if I've told this story on the air. A lot of multiplex horror stories, of course.

It goes with the territory. The movies are a fucking horrible place. It's a wretched hive of scum and villainy. One night, it was like a busy Saturday night. We're cleaning theaters. We're in one theater and we hear this like banging sounds. Where's that banging coming from? And we all kind of like stop, look around, couldn't figure it out and kept cleaning.

Went on to the next theater, cleaning the theater, you hear that banging again. Where is this fucking banging coming from? Could not place it. Waiting outside a third theater for it to fully, you know, clear out and whatnot. We hear the banging again. And I'm, I don't know if it was me or somebody who were working with realized like, oh, it's coming from like the emergency hallway. So like, you know, like every. movie theater has like the back hallways you can like exit you know if there's an emergency also

like they weren't armed with an alarm so you could just exit that way if you wanted to right so we go down the back hallway and the banging's getting louder so like you know you're on the right track this where you cock your gun open that i'm armed only with a broom dude we open this door and there's an entire family in this stairwell and this dad is like down at the bottom of the stairs and broom to the face the family is like up like sort of huddled by the door and the guy like yells up and he's like oh fucking finally we've been banging for you know however long or whatever it was we're like all right well what are you doing back here and it was like well we saw the exit sign and we thought we could get out but this door's locked down here and I go no it's

not like that's the exit to the parking lot and he marches up and he's like that door is locked god damn it or whatever and i was like no it's not yeah and he says show me so i walk down these stairs uh-huh and push the door open yeah it's totally fine and i'm like see it's not locked like the cool summer night breeze is blowing on my face and as i'm like soaking that in like thinking about you know i'm going to be off soon gonna go to taco bell and get some food i'm me home watching a movie just basking in the fucking fatness of Taco Bell. When I hear this guy say, ha, that's funny.

I couldn't open that door when I went down there to take a piss. I'm standing in a like four by four little tiny corner because the door is right there. So I'm just standing in piss. Just this man's piss. It prepared you for the New York subway. It did. He made his family watch him piss. Now, your kids, look at this.

This is what happens Well, they don't unlock doors Yes, I just fucking stood And human waste That guy is gross This wasn't very gross I mean emotionally a little gross This was I think my second or third year

At the multiplex And I was Chris Cabin year three And you pissed back there I did piss back there a couple times Eric I got back in though Because I could open the door

Yes, of course I did I defile He was that dad that's me so I was cleaning the bathroom and just like sweeping I'm doing a check and everything like that

but there was one guy in there and he was in one of the stalls and he was clearly taking a massive horrid shit it smelled like it and like you heard the little noises every once in a while yeah those pangs of struggle

you got shadowed man he definitely got shadowed dude the doctor strikes and this must have just been when like regular cell phones were becoming a thing because he had

a cell phone with him and he picked it up and I don't he says hey and I'm like I'm like I feel like intrusive already

oh do you but you didn't initially think this dude was talking to you I was like did you hear the phone ring yeah oh okay

I heard a rumble like I think it was on vibrate or something they used to be really hardcore with the vibrate yeah that's why I think so I hear him say

hey nothing and then I'm sorry and it was clear that he was being broken up with on the phone

while taking a shit dumped while taking a dump and like the thing is he must have known I was there because he made it very like he was like I'll come home

I'm gonna come home I'm not gonna go to work I'm coming home oh no it's just like okay bye and then like I was

I hid in the stall. I don't know what this man looks like. Oh, did you put like a, like, you're in a horror movie where you, like, stand on the toilet so he doesn't know what it was. I like, I didn't do that, but like I backed all the way up. So I was like over the where you flush it. Oh, you're straddling the plumbing? So, like, he would actually have to look down and look to exceed me. But he was kicking open to each one.

Yeah, that's right. He's going to, I'm going to kill anybody who heard me cry. Wow. He didn't say another word just sobbed on his way out. That's a violent. Amazing. That is great. Sob shitting stories.

One time this dude took a dump on one of the seats during a performance of C-Biscuit. Oh, really? Yeah, we put a garbage bag over that seat and left it. That's it. Yep. Left it for the cleaning staff at the midnight shift. That's it.

Weirder thing, I think this was a morning like mission to Mars screening for this guy. Oh, my. So, Crystal, you've got diarrhea in the morning. And you're getting broken up with it the morning. You better be hung over, man, because having that happen to you and not being hungover, that just sucks. And it must have been a bad one because it was like, she had waited for him to leave

or something. So to make the phone call. Wow. The locks have been changed. Get your ass to Mars. Oh my God. Get your ass to divorce court. Well, that is W.H.M. Mailbag for this round. If you want your weird stories

read on the air, or if you have a question for us, right into that mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven said that. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Yeah, I don't know what you're doing. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.