We Hate Movies - S9: WHM Mail Bag: Dads Renting Porn, Fleeing the Movies in Fear, and Bothering Celebrities at Thanksgiving

Episode Date: September 30, 2018

Finally— It's the return of the WHM Mail Bag! This month, the gang is reading letters about dads renting porno movies, people getting scared out of theaters playing horror films, incredibly selfish grandparents, fans ruining an actor's Thanksgiving Eve and more! PLUS: It's Tom Cruise in a hat! If you have any SPOOOOOOOOOOKY stories (or other weird, awkward, funny stories) you want read on the October Mail Bag, write in now! Send your stories and questions to [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to W.A.M. Mailbag, everybody. This is the first mailbag of W.HM season nine. It's the first and only. This is when we put a mail in a bag, as in a man, a man bag. We have... Welcome back to Banbag. It's hosted by Dave Navarro, and we're just making bags.

Meme watch. So we've got some emails from you, the listener. Steve Sadek, start us off. Yes, it's called What Was He Watching? Greetings, Andrew, Steve, Chris, and Eric. Hey. Not you. I'm writing with a tale possibly best sent during the spookacular

based on the mental trauma that it caused, but in the tradition of good old, what are you watching? I figured I'd drop in for you guys to enjoy anyway. Well, also, every mailbag episode is a fucking house of horrors, so don't worry about it. Rewind to 1987 when I was but a lad of seven years old. That means he was born in 1980, doing a little quick bath there. Oh, cool. Good for you.

Quick math. My dad worked days and mom worked nights, so after four, oh, man, fucking Reagan's America, isn't it? Sounds like a fucking Springsteen song, man. My dad worked days and my mom. I'm a work night's both at the factory. I think he ends up eating his own shit or something because it's a we-A-movies mailbag. Eat my own shit on Thursday.

Two-income household. My dad worked days when mom worked nights. So after 4 p.m., it was evenings with a loving but older father from a generation where men didn't spend time with their kids. I'd find ways to entertain myself four nights a week but on Friday we had a habit of hitting the local West Coast video. Remember them? Nope. Now being a little fat kid

I had two obsessions that consumed me in parentheses other than sugary snacks WWF wrestling and Transformers Nothing brought me more joy than watching Secret racist pervert Hulk Hogan strut around the ring or the velvety voice of Peter Cullen coming through the heroic Optimus Prime as he

led his giant robot good guys against an army of similarly giant robot bad guys. You know what, Terry, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be saying that word. They should have sent a poet. But being a stupid,

fat kid, while my dad would disappear into some mysterious corner of West Coast video, I'd obsessively rent one of three VHS tapes every Friday, never realizing that I could possibly have been purchased for less than combined rental fees added up to. WrestleMania 3, Transformers SOS DinoBots, or Transformers Divide and Conquer. Yes, I clearly remember those titles, and I'm not part of that fact.

We would return home, and the routine would always be the same. Dad would set me up in my bedroom with my VCR and some snacks before leaving me with a warning that I was not to come out of the living room for any reason without first giving him a holler. I think he's jerking off in the living room. Yeah, I think he grew up, this guy grew up on 10 Cloverfield Lane. He's like an air horn

or something, maybe. I mean, it's all written here, isn't it? This is a terrifying prospect, by the way. Don't you dare come out? Did he have to, like, pee in a bottle? Unless you holler first. If you hear a chainsaw, don't worry. It's fine. This would repeat weekly for a year or so until my mom decided to quit her job

and do the stay-at-home mom thing. Mama quit her job at the factory. Dad had to stop jerking on Friday nights. I forgot to holler. That is when the weekly Friday night trips the video store abruptly ended. Fast forward in 2001. I'm 21. Again, this guy was born in 1980.

I'm sorry. I hate to break it to you guys. God, Steve, you are blowing my mind with this quick math, buddy. I didn't know quick pickles. I really didn't know people were born in that year. I'm 21 and in college drinking coffee at the campus Starbucks and some friends

relating childhood tales to each other the story I just told came back to me that day and I began to innocently related not realizing the implications of my tail. Looking back and as an adult I realized how dark this memory really was. It is kind of creepy, dude. and I'm sure you have put together

a long ago the mysterious corner of the West Coast video my dad would disappear to was the porno section while I was renting my... Telling Daddy's secrets

on a podcast recorded A meet me tonight in West Coast video While I was renting my baby cartoons he was selecting some hardcore big bushed 80s porn

Big Bush Good God One of those Well, Barb, what do you call me? I'm big, I'm a bush, I'm running, it's 87. That's right, get the big bush in there. Get the big bush and the quail in there. Vote big bush, got to vote big bush in.

I mean, I'm just a lanky man there, perhaps. Poppy, can we rent dino bugs? Junior, you didn't holler yet. Quiet, boy, I'm in the corner of the video store all for me. You're going to finish divide and conquer. are going to come over there, and it's five across the eyes. They've got all these videos of me. I go to random, bring them home.

Turns out to be women fornicated. When I was in my bedroom, stuffing my face with milk duds, he was stuffing his hand into his pants and stunging himself silly. Needless to say, I'm now haunted by the memory whenever I see Under the Giant or Megatron. Can you guys relate? No. Can you guys relate? Have you experienced this feeling?

of childhood innocence being shattered by looking back with your adult eyes. Thanks for listening. Kevin, a loyal Patreon subscriber in parentheses. Oh, thank you, loyal Patreon subscriber. Really quickly want to mention that on the Patreon this month, we have a full episode

devoted to Ready Player 1. Which is kind of like masturbation in it. Speaking of a big bush. It's like you've got wrestling, you've transformers, and you masturbation and that is what the movie is. So, to hear more talk about that. Oh, cool, awesome 80s, big bush.

Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Oh, yes. In my, in my utopia, it's all big bush ladies. No shape jobs here. Oh, cool. Awesome 80s. That's Mark. You'll get that joke if you listen to the Patreon. That's exactly right. I've never caught my dad tugging it, thank the Lord. Right, yeah. No, I wouldn't be here today if that happened. That's one of those classic. I'm glad my parents got divorced when they, did. Well, okay, but

did he ever, he didn't really ever catch him. He just knew what the plan was. Oh, no, I mean, oh no, he didn't, that's true, he never caught him, he just knew what the deal is. Right, but just knowing what's up. So did you guys know that your father's masturbated? I mean, I know now. Did you ever come

across, like, browser history? No browser history. I can say that one time I was in the video store with my brother and sister, and it was like a man, just RIPD, these things, these things went before the Blockbuster videos did the mom and pops.

We were in a mom and pop store one time and they had the saloon doors so we're picking out like an alien went to or whatever the fuck an alien keeps the saloon door with a photograph excuse me sorry. It was amazing because we were

picking out care bears too or whatever you know and my mom just brazenly walked through the saloon doors. Oh wow. Just was like stay out here, walk through the saloon doors. another time similar horrifying event I opened my parents' door one time to ask my father

if I could borrow his car and I just I walked in and I got like half a step in and I was like dad can I borrow the and he cut me off with it yes and I closed the door and I went and took a shower okay yeah yeah we can get his gun now

my family was brazenly open about sexuality to the point where it's probably destroyed me and that is why I cannot function as I've said before in the program we had the Playboy channel for a number of years and my parents were just taught like my mother would regale me of stories about my grandpa my grand you know my the grand the elders yeah sure sure her own conception no no well the stories of their sexual prowesses and what happened there oh yeah that's when they met and how that went

It's just too much. Wow, that's a lot. So there was nothing to look back on and be tainted because in my fragile nine-year-old mind, it was already gone. There was nothing behind saloon doors because the saloon doors were never there. The saloon doors closed on me

and I could never get out. Oh, Chris Cabin, go ahead. Let's do it. W.HM Mailbag story. Hey, guys. Can't wait to see how awesome this season is. Anyway, on to my most embarrassing movie theater story. Noice.

I went to see Paranormal Activity 3. You know what? There's already your problem right there. Was this the one that I had the biggest beef with Chris Cabin? Was this the one that it's set in the 1990s? They're using a camcorder and that shit is 16 by 9. Get the fuck out. The whole thing bleeds together for me.

I can't remember which one is which. One and done with the paranormal. I think the first one's fine. It's not good. I didn't watch any of the others. This aspect ratio thing threw me off the franchise. But Chris Cabin over here, he's permanently stuck in the ghost dimensions. Oh, every time.

Every day I wake up. Didn't Eve Schulman direct one of them there movies? I believe. You're out of your hats. Are you fucking kidding? Or it might have been a Henry Juiced there. Excuse me? Who's that dude?

He's the guy that directed the actual catfish movie who like isn't on camera. While Andrew's looking that up, please continue. Yes, yes. Went to the paranormal activity three in theaters near the end of its run. I had a few hours of free time and liked the first one, but my husband hates scary stuff and I decided to go alone. I figured there would be a few other midday moviegoers there. I get into my seat after hitting the concession, the whole place is empty.

Surprise, surprise. I instantly feel uncomfortable because it was so quiet. I figured it was a good thing, though, and stretched out and dug into my popcorn, decided to enjoy my truly alone time. Boy, that's something. three quarters of the way through the movie I was so anxious and keyed up really I started talking shit to the screen

this is my dream though man it's never happened you always think it's gonna happen but it doesn't like when you catch that you're gonna be the only one in a movie theater and then suddenly three or four people come in at the very last second it's a fucking bummer no it's like 20 minutes in

they decided they wanted to see a movie today and they just got this one yeah it's always something like disgusting um talking shit to the screen and by the time the spooky ghost sheet in quotation marks a screen played i turned full stephen sadak coward oh and left the theater yeah you're right i was so embarrassed i have never even told my husband about well now if he's listening to the show he knows you're into trump uh anyway love the podcast and please if you ever fled a movie in fear please let me know.

Okay. Fled a movie in fear. Anyone? Because you were like freaked out by the movie? Yeah, like you're too much to handle. I left. So I don't know if I said this

on the show. I would always, when I was like in my teen years and people were like, let's go see a horror movie. I'm like, yeah, I love horror movies. And I would go. But during the scary bits, which is most of the movie,

I would focus on the exit sign. So I'm not watching it. It looks to the, I'm not covering my eyes like a big. baby. It's a cool word too. Yeah. It's got an ex in it. And it's like big red, you know, looking at it.

But during Event Horizon, which is a terrifying movie to see in theaters, if you're my age and me, I was doing that and it still wasn't working. And I was like, I got to go to the bathroom. And I spent like 20 minutes in the bathroom just kind of getting my bearings.

You cut a hole into hell in that bathroom. I will cut in here just to say that paranormal Activities 3 and 4 were directed by Henry Juiced and Ariel Schumann. Oh, that's probably his brother.

They were the directing team that made the movie and they're like, let's put our dumb brother on the camera. And he's like, I run it. The only movie ever walked out of, in history, Mortal Kombat Annihilation. It wasn't scared. It wasn't scared.

No, I was scared by the bad effects. I've never, scared by bad CGI. I've never, left a movie due to fear, but I remember seeing the first conjuring movie

in the theater by myself. It was a pack theater, so I wasn't alone, but I was like sitting in the front. I got there like kind of late. This is at the old shit-ass cough from the Storia Theater. Nice. And at the end of the movie, I realized I had ruined a baseball cap

because of all of the like, ha, moments. I creased it. I had my hat in my hand and I creased the brim of the head. That's awesome. Being scared shitless by that movie. I never had this, but I do have a story from when I saw hereditary.

I was on the lower level of theater, and my seat was right next near the exit. There was a lady about, like, right when they take their car ride, she, like, went down and was, like, in that little area, you walk into the theater, that hallway. Yeah. She was just in, like, different variations of that hallway. Like, going back and forth for the rest of the movie. Like, she would just be up at the front and, like, holding the, like, stand like this, like, gripping it. And then she would just, like, recede it to the darkness. Well, because she was terrified.

She was terrified of the movie. Now, this distraction for you, did it ruin your experience seeing that movie, a movie that demands total silence and never breaking your eyes from the screen? It did not. I was just, you know, I went to the bathroom and I said hi to her. You did? At one point. I mean.

And then she screamed even more. Chris Gavin. No, she's just like, hey, hi, hi. Ooh, and here we go. Look at this. Roaning Thanksgiving Eve for two celebrities. Not just one celebrity, but two celebrities. Hello, W.H.M.

Hi. That's us. How are you? This story takes place on Thanksgiving Eve in Toledo, Ohio. Ooh, this is spooky already. Oh, I know. I always say holy Toledo. That's about because this place is.

It's like the beginning of a Wes Anderson movie. This story takes place. on Thanksgiving Eve in Toledo, Ohio in 1974. The Tenabom family found themselves in Toledo, Ohio for some reason. On Archer Avenue, they had Thanksgiving Eve. They had ham, not turkey. A hometown that I share with

Andrea Pellecki. Is that? Adrian Pallickey. Who's that? Who is that? She was on Friday night lights and some bad horror movies. She was supposed to be TV Wonder Woman and then that's canceled. Oh, that's the one to eat an ice cream by herself and I was like, nah.

Sorry, this doesn't count as a celebrity. and Katie Holmes, which I have a quick story about I'll add on at the end. Cool. Great. Oh, is that the second one? I guess so, yeah.

I don't know about, I don't know if this is a Midwest thing, but Thanksgiving Eve is a night you, you and everyone you went to high school with that escaped places like Toledo, come home to visit family and go out the night before the holiday to get wasted with each other. And I can confirm this is universal.

Yeah, we did this upstate. It doesn't even have to be a thing where you come home, you just go out drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. The night he came back. Because you know that the next day at Thanksgiving, you're going to be surrounded by family and fucking miserable, so the move is you might as

you might be hung over while you do it. Yeah, yeah, you definitely want to hang over for that. That's when this happened, and I might have told this before, but we all went out drinking, having a good one, man. Oh, cool. Back to my buddies, I was like, dude, you want to put it on a cool movie. You do that, brother. I'm wasting.

Put on the bong ribs. Cool. Oh, awesome. Happiness. Awesome. Thanks so much. Let's just watch a Todd Sullivan. movie right now at 2 a.m.

On Thanksgiving Eve. Wait a second, though. The movie happiness. You did? It was happy. Yes, it was exactly happiness. But had anyone in the room seen it before? The dude who put it on, yeah.

You had never seen it? No. Steve, you put that on? I did not put that on. Sorry. Did this friend of yours look like Dylan Baker at all? Nobody beat it to Tiger beat. I'll tell you that much.

Right? Yes. Right? I mean, right. My friends and I, I went to the old beer stube to do this thing. I guess this is a bar.

Oh, shout out for the beer stoop. Come down to the beer stube and chuggler love. Beer stuba. To, you know, Ohio. And I was at the bar getting a couple pictures with a friend and he nudges me and says,

isn't that wash? I turn around and say, yupp, Alan Tiduck. Tudik. Alan Tuduk, also not a celebrity. Otherwise, I'd know how to say their name. He's in fucking Rogue One, motherfucker. Okay, yes. He plays one of your beloved robots.

My beloved robots, please. This guy I know best from Three Tendayuma. Oh, wow, really? The remake. Remake. He was by himself, and he looked kind of overwhelmed with the Rust Belt Weirdos. That's a good name for a band, by the way. Rust Belt Weirdos?

Yeah. But also was it... Overwhelmed would be good, too. I didn't know that they had comic book conventions on Halloween on Thanksgiving. What the fuck was he doing in Toledo? Just wait, dude. This is a rare instance where I read this email already. Okay, so here we go.

All right. It's about to go down, guys. He was... So I decided to go and talk to him and confirm who he was. He was friendly and shared a beer with a friend of mine and I. And I asked him why Firefly was canceled. and he replied, fucking fox, fucking fox, man. The man, he hates getting that question, right?

Yeah, it's like, could you shut up? Hey, why don't you have a job anymore? Well, great. Well, he whittled it down because at first he had like a whole explanation, and now it's just like, fucking foxman. I asked him what the fuck he was doing in Toledo of all places, and he says that his girlfriend, Andriana Pallaki, what is this girl's name?

Adrian Pallickey? Okay. I don't know, you know, I guess just a girl from Ohio. I don't know, man. I'm just reading the letters that are there. Listen, buddy, we didn't all grow up with alphabet soup or whatever the fuck you ate. I don't know, cereal, whatever. The serial conversation was on the Stepford Wives episode.

Exactly, which people understand. I just want to make sure people get it. But also, you ate alphabets, and I didn't. So you saw letters at an earlier age than I did. Anyway, he was brought home to meet her family. She was doing the Midwest thing of getting drunk with high school friends like the rest of us, idiots. Anyways, I buy a round of Irish car bombs and he declines, which, as everyone knows, if you don't drink fast enough after they mix, it will curdle so I drink his and mine. It's also an offensive name for the drink. That's what I thought this was.

Yeah, also fuck that. Because isn't he British or Tudik? No, he just does that really well. Oh, okay. I was drunk at this point. He said that he was going back to his girlfriend and asked to keep it quiet that he was there. I proceeded to get drunker. I pointed this out because I forgot after about 15 minutes that he didn't want any attention. Oh, no. First of all, no, you didn't.

Everyone I knew from high school I ran into, I told who was there. Who's Alan Tuduk? Oh, you know, Steve. The Pirate from Dodgeball. Oh, fuck. That's the credit you fucking unveil. Exactly. Isn't this dude a huge Firefly fan? I guess no one else was.

By the way, that's the reason. Why did they cancel it? Because nobody watched it. Let's move on with our lives. It spreads like wild. All of a sudden, everyone is going up to him and asking him for pictures with Steve the Pirate. Oh, shit, man.

He looks annoyed. He looks annoyed, but he's obliging everyone. Of course he is. After a while, I go to the restroom and into a stall. Restroom door opens and people come in. I overhear Alan talking, people talking to him, and I assume that it's one of Policki's friends, and he's asked how he likes Toledo,

and Alan says that it's okay, but some fucking asshole told everyone in the bar that Steve the Pirate is here. Now everyone is coming up to me for pictures. We are getting out of here. Andrianna? Adrian. Think of Rocky.

Think of Rocky. Think of Rocky every time. Adrian. If she was famous, I'd know her name. Is pissed that we are leaving so early. And now I have to just sit there and her house for the rest of the night. And then they left. And you did ruin his fucking day.

Yeah. Have you guys ever ruined an evening for, have you guys ever ruined an evening or experience for a selection? P.S. Holmes story. Watson and I were... These hounds really are. Barksavills. What a Sir Arthur Coden Doyle, babe. I was visiting my parents a few years ago in suburban Toledo and went for a walk, went to walk the dog. A guy on a bicycle is coming towards me, and it's obviously Tom Cruise in a hat. that guy right there

that's Tom Cruise and a hat I just know it I just know it Tom Cruise in a hat that that you should see I told everyone and no one believed me a few months ago

my dad a plumber was doing a job for Katie's uncle who lives in a gated part of the suburb my dad starts talking him about Cruz and her uncle said

Cruz used to visit all the time with Katie and he would always borrow his bicycle and ride it around the neighborhood vindication. Thanks for reading. Love the show. Mike from Cleveland. Let me tell you something, Andrew. You and I were on a park bench in Central Park, and I'm like, dude, I brought you out here. I got something to talk to you about. I know why they canceled the fire. I got the diagnosis, man, and it's long. And it's a, holy fuck, it's Tom Cruise and a hat. And I'm just chasing it. That's what happened. I would stop everything I was doing and say, holy fuck, it's Tom Cruise and a hat.

Andrew, come on, he's got a hat on! He's wearing that hat. It looks like a fitted cat. No, it's not Brad Pitt this time. It's Tom Cruise in a hat. I'm picturing like an Abraham Lincoln hat. Now, that you shouldn't see. That would be great.

I'm trying to think of celebrity. I ruined Al Franklin was trying to get drunker that one time. Oh, I remember he fell on you. He fell on me. He probably saved a life that night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. This might have.

Yeah, and I shook his hand and it was tough. It was. Like a strong grip? Like a working man's hand? Like a working man's hand, which caught me off guard because I didn't expect that. Or was it more like I'm trying to stabilize myself because I just felt down? Did they have that feel to it? A little bit of both.

Okay. But this was they were celebrating the release of that documentary. God spoke. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. one time I was wasted in the East Village and I was walking home to the train and Todd Barry came out of a

it was either a Dunkin' Donuts or a liquor store or something on like Second Avenue and I had just seen him do stand-up in Brooklyn like a few weeks before and like there were some other comedians on the bill that they will remain nameless but it was not a great show but Todd Barry was awesome

and so I was like oh there's Todd Barry and I just went up to him and I was like Todd Barry I just Todd Barry I just saw you in Brooklyn Oh my God

It was you was so fucking funny man The rest of the people on that bill I don't know about that But Todd fucking Barry And it is like All of his Todd Barryness Was like oh no come They were all great

They were and he's As he's talking to me His hand is just waving Like they were all great man Thanks It was a lot of fun And a cab pulls up And he just jumped in

without saying Anything. Smart man. Sounds right. Yeah. Ruin Todd Barry's early Sunday morning, I did. No, I mean, it's great. Yeah, I mean, I'm, I clam up with celebrities real bad.

I try to be respectful. Yes, I don't bother people. I ever tell my Paul Giamatti story? No. No. I mean, it's very short, but it's extremely weird. For the one week I was in Kyoto, Japan, I was going up to a temple with my wife. And the monk was Paul Giamatti.

Paul Giamati and some guy are just walking down the other way. And I just look up and I notice him. And I'm just like, my eyes clear. We're like, that's fucking Paul Giamati. And he caught me. And he was like, man, even in Japan, I can't get away from these fat fucks. You know, I wanted to, I'm trying to achieve enlightenment here. Of course, some fucking fat guy's going to come talk to me about Amazing Spider-Man too.

Did he actually call you a fat fuck? No, he just looked at me like, oh, no. I've gotten that a couple times I'm trying to think of the exact moment but when like you see a celebrity and they see you and they're like oh man it's this guy you know what I mean like

please don't talk to me comic book t-shirt I don't approach them that I haven't oh you know what I went to Mr. Stanley we were going camping last year me and my fiance and we're going to upstate and we stop off for

go to the go to the Roy Rogers which is like the last Roy Rogers that ever existed and and or at least in New York anyway and we go just for a quick meal and then like I go to the bathroom and this tall blonde woman comes in with her kid and like you know she goes to Roy Rogers she gets her stuff and I go into the bathroom and on my way out it's her and her and her kid are leaving and I'm like holy fuck that's Uma Thurman and like grab the kid and no in her in she gave me the perfect and she's totally right she just gave me this look of like not today fat guy I got my kid you know what I mean it was just like I am holding a bag of Roy Rogers

exactly you you didn't have your nymphomaniacs show I did not or like I didn't I didn't approach her I wouldn't have approached her anyway but I could tell she was just like and it wasn't rude or anything like that but it was just like really not today dude

yeah that's the move thank you though bye thank you so much exactly I had a nymphomaniac t-shirt. That is not fit for public. All right, is it me?

Commencement speechifying. Hi, guys. I was recently going through the W.A.J.M. Back catalog and came across your episode on Cop and a half. Your discussion of a puffy Bert Reynolds, RIPD, in the midst of his divorce from Lonnie Anderson, reminded me of the time I saw him give a speech at my brother's high school graduation.

By the way, did we all notice what's on Netflix right now? Cop and a half two starring Lou Diamond Phillips. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, they did it. They fucking did it.

Kim Gar and Cop 2 was a big hit. Gotta go back. Shouldn't they just call it like cop and a full? A cop and full? It's a cop and a cop. Two cops. One cup.

Yes. Two cups, one cup. It's too. Officers fighting over coffee? I'd watch that. Reynolds was a graduate of Palm Beach Central High School. Oh, you sure was. Which was to be the home of the new countywide arts magnet school

where my brother was a member of the first class. So is that like they put magnets together? Or like they put it on the fridge? They hold up the art. They hold up the art on the giant refrigerator. They teach children how to use magnets. That's what they do. Magnets, how do they work?

It's pretty important stuff. They ended up having classes at a temporary campus for several years due to construction delays. But Burt was involved early on helping out with fundraising and master classes for the theater department. Here's how you chew gum on camera. I was a student there too and got to take a field trip to his house in Jupiter, Florida. Okay, this is the only time I'm jealous of Florida children. When it came time to pick a commencement speaker for the first graduating class of the new school, they, of course, picked the bandit himself.

The highlight of his speech, at least for the students, was when he said, I had a whole section in here about marriage before throwing a stack of note cards over his shoulder. Classic Burt. In the spirit of back-to-school season, do you have any stories about celebrity speakers good or bad? Not signed the email.

Well, you know, I just want to quickly say, Burr Reynolds, what a treasure. Totally. You got to see him talk. I think the only celebrity I've seen give a commencement speech was Chuck Schumer, which was fucking dreadful. And it's fucking awesome because you can go on YouTube, and he's given this same commencement speech for years.

Of course. There's like a super cut of him in different caps and gowns at different podiums, and you can just track the entire speech. And isn't the whole story about how a girl left him? Something like that. It's a sob story about it. I'll tell you, it didn't fucking sink in with me. I'll tell you that much.

I don't remember it. Our graduation sucked. It fucking sucked. It was Chuck Schumer and some fucking Broadway lighting designer. I got neither. A bunch of also rands. What did you get? I got neither the year before.

Oh, right. You graduated before us. Who were yours? I had nobody for mine. Pretty cool. Yeah, I mean, you know. I've never seen any celebrities, like, give any kind of speech about that. Oh, well, I think I told.

the story sort of but a bit of a million years ago. I was at a poetry event for my job and Adrian Brody read the Ten Crack Commandments as if it as poetry but like as dramatic, serious

poetry, the Ten Crack Commandments. It's like, dude, Adrian Brody, A, take off that hat. Because you know he's wearing a hat and he was. I love it when you call me Big Papa. Yeah, exactly. But didn't you also say, Steve, that he started it with, like,

I'm going to read something by the greatest poet that ever lived. Christopher Wallace, aka the notorious B-I-G. And I was like, oh, boy, can I leave? Could you not? Say you did. I one time walked through the exact, was it a Coca-Cola commercial that he was in? What? Adrian Brody.

I think it was called The Pianist. Adrian Brody did something for, like, Diet Co. or Coca-Cola. It was something that, like, played in movie theaters before the film started. And someone in that commercial, like, he's walking down the street, and someone's like, hey, Brody. I was walking downtown, and I walked by Adrian Brody. He was wearing a hilarious, like, Adidas jumpsuit. And someone went, hey, Brody. And he did the same turnaround. I was like, I'm living a commercial. Oh, that's so weird. Yeah, it was bizarre. Never saw anyone give a speech, though. No. Disney Vault and Pergatory.

Uh-oh. Dear W.H.M, I never had a story for the mailbag until I traveled up to Chicago to see your Jason X show and got this story from my aunt the following night. First of all, thank you for your attendance. It's very important that these live shows sell out for morale, not only of us, but the crowd as well. That was a good show. It was a good show. It was a good show. I just want to mention how much it sold out. It sold out so much. It was a good show. It was a really good show. And Doris, I really need a story. Can you give me something? My now dead grandpa was always a particular sort of person. When his brother gave the eulogy at his service, he began it by saying,

well, we all know my brother isn't in heaven, but purgatory isn't all that bad. Oh, yeah. That'll bring down the house. Four-star funeral. Yeah, as I say, in the right funeral, that will bring down the fucking house. He was a frustrating guy. My aunt? say. My aunt had come down to St. Louis to say goodbye to him for the weekend before he went

into hospice. Her four-year-old son knew that he was going to grandpa's meant watching a Disney movie with him. All day long, he asked my grandpa when he could sit down and watch a movie together. My grandpa kept pushing him off until finally my aunt turned to her son and said, honey, why don't you ask your grandpa if you could just take the Lion King with you and watch it on the drive home. My four-year-old cousin turns to my dying grandpa and asks if he can borrow his DVD. And my grandpa, who is going to head off into the hospice,

to head off into the hospice, that following morning says to him, nobody, it's a limited edition. Son, that's actually a platinum edition. My aunt. said that after a weekend of trying to handle my grandpa, she immediately

wheeled around, declared it was time to go home and packed the family up and head back to Chicago. My grandpa had one single night to unwrap his precious Disney Vault limited edition Lion King Blu-ray DVD and watch it before

going to hospice the next morning. I should say for folks outside of the United States, you might call it something differently. Hospice is where people go to die. Yes. Like you're there because you don't have a lot of time left

and you need constant care as the clock winds down. Not a fun situation. Nothing but chipped beef and pills. Yeah. A week later, my aunt said she got the call from the aforementioned brother telling her that grandpa had passed away in the night. The first words he said to her after the news was, the first words he said to her after the news were,

so you think you watch the Lion King? You think he fucking got to it? My aunt picked up the still seal blanking from the estate the next week which she came back in town for the funeral. Love the show, love my horrible grandpa, and I'd love to request any funny funeral slash death movie-related stories

from the W-H-M-cast signed gin. Or gin, maybe, possible, G-I. Not whiskey? Not whiskey. Wow. Oh, that's a funny yarn. Do you think he was going to try to sell it eventually? Like you thought if it aged for a while.

You should have buried it with him, man. They don't call it collector's edition for nothing. Here's the thing. I know where this grandpa's coming from. I hate loaning out disc media, man. But you're your own grandchildren. Nope, fuck those kids. They're going to get their grubby little peanut butter fingers all over it.

But you're dying. I don't care. You're about to kiss a bunch of. Bolivian. You know what? It's my. Okay. Oh, dude, what if that was the reason he went to purgatory?

That was the one thing. Oh, shit. Now he's just haunting a pile of standard deaf DVDs. You didn't give your grandson a Lion King. Were you going to watch it, sir? We have some pretty strict rules here in heaven. I don't know if you've heard. Any fun death stories?

Especially. Not that I want to say on the air specifically because of being here. Well, it's a weird, like, We always joke in my family that, like, we're always, like, on our A game when it comes to funerals. Like, there's always, like, wacky shit that happens. But it's, like, nothing that would interest anyone. It's all like family. You got to know the person.

I might have one that I was trying to hide for a while. T-it up. Here we go. When my grandmother, my maternal grandmother, passed, I was asked to be one of the people who read for her service. And I had, back then, I wasn't quite. the Werther's man yet, but I like Jolly Ranchers, the old ones. Who doesn't? And I just, you know, I was like, I didn't know what I was doing, so it was just like

popping them in my mouth. Uh-huh. And so I get called up and like, I have one in my mouth. And I start talking with it in there. I'm like, but shit. Can I interject your counselor, objection? You're eating candy at a funeral? Yeah, that's kind of, that's, it's worse.

It's not like, oh my God, I didn't know when my turn was up, but you were eating I might have been distancing myself psychologically from the event you're eating candy and a funeral. Nice way to rationalize it asshole. Chris Gavin's Sweet Tooth funeral. It's worse. While I'm doing

this speech, I literally I'm like, oh fuck, I have candy in my mouth. And in the middle of speech, I go into my jacket, take out a Kleenex spitting. No. Put it back in my pocket. Oh, that ain't bad. Wow.

Sorry, everybody. I'm terrible, I know I just, wow Wow Well the first time I ever heard the term Serious as a heart As a heart attack Was my scary uncle

Grabbing my two cousins When they were fucking around At my grandmother's wake And he just grabbed them And was like That is grandma, she is dead I am serious as a heart attack right now I will go nuts on you

And did that kind of thing Oh that's pretty great Yeah not a lot of fun funeral stories. I wish I attended at least one funeral. All right, I got one that's kind of, it's nothing to do with my family, technically. So I was at a, uh,

a, uh, a, uh, a friend of the family. Oh, sure. But like, like, close enough that it's like family, you know. So we're at this funeral and this fucking weirdo walks into the funeral parlor and he had gone. He says, hello, I'm Andrew Jupe. He had gone to our church. So I knew him like by sight, but I didn't know his name or anything like that. And I said to my mother, I was like, what?

You see that guy? Like, why? And it was a dude who, like, he always attended mass, like, with his obnoxious daughter. And the two of them were always, like, being a distraction. So I was like, mom, it's that guy who's always, like, weird with his kid at church. Like, what the hell is this guy doing here? Because it also in, like, a different town. It was, like, on the town across the river kind of a deal.

And she was like, oh, yeah. Oh, I don't know. Like, let me ask around or whatever. And my father gets back to me, and he's like, oh, your mother found out about that guy from church. And I was like, yeah, well, what's the deal? He goes, apparently he goes around town and hits up all the funerals so then he can go back to the after parties and get all the fucking food. It's a good move, man. Food moocher at a funeral. I never heard of such a thing. I'm afraid I might have told the story, but tell me if I have. Um, uh, you were also in the

film Wedding Crashers. You stole a lot of baked fish from a funeral? No, I, I, when I was in high school a buddy of mine's grandfather died and we all you know we're 17 people are driving that aren't me so we're like you know what we're going to be the ones

that go to his grandfather's funeral like he's not we were invited but it wasn't like you don't even it was a very adult move Oh yeah this is going to be the time we're going to show support you know it's a really good friend of ours

we all get dressed up in like funeral attire and we go and we're being super respectful we go to the wake and we go and there's a display on a whiteboard with a bunch of pictures of this man's entire life.

Wow, that's really nice. It's a red string connecting. No, it's not the, it wasn't the yellow king, Chris. But I go up to it and I'm like, oh, you know, because I have to touch everything. And I'm like, that's an interesting old picture. And I touch it for even a second. And the whole board falls.

clangs it doesn't break but every picture falls off and then I have to quickly catch it and put it back up on the tripod

and I'm slapping pictures up like clearly this was a when you were doing that your butt hits the casket and it falls over

clearly it was arranged in this particular order but I'm like slap slap slap and then it falls again in the midst of it and then like this uncle had to come and help me.

That's all right. Kid, don't worry about it. I'm like, oh, is it all right? Oh, my God. That's horrific. How have you not walked into the ocean yet? It's going to happen at some point. The night's young. All right, last one of the evening, I guess. Do it up, dude.

WHM Melbag, meeting a director who's not who he says he is. Oh, boy. Hello, WHM gang. My girlfriend first introduced me to this show several months ago, and you've quickly become my go-to for any and every time I need something to listen to for a long period of time. Sweet.

And she and I frequently listen to old episodes together. So when she told me about something that happened to her tonight, I just had to write in about, hey, this is just write off the news. Oh, wow, hot off the presses. I love it. Is there a picture with her with today's newspaper in it? Well, she should call Russell Crow and he'll go get her. She is, as I write this, currently taking a trip to Las Vegas for a week with her mother.

And tonight she's going to That's a weird place To be going to With your mother Yeah, Vegas with your mom I'm not sure about that Mom gambling It's a serious stuff

Yeah like Like okay How many chips Can I get for this mom I bet my mom Well That guy loves to gamble That serious shit man

Throw keys down on the table What's that It's keys to my mom Parked out back Oh okay Yeah Call Close his keys to his mom

The guy puts an urn on the table That's my mom What's going on here? Tonight she's going to a concert event Where she met a few people Firstly she texted me that she had met Polly Shore Only to correct herself and say that she had actually met

DJ Polly D who was on Jersey Shore Wait so she met Polly but No. DJ Polly D. Yeah. Who's from the Jersey Shore, Polly Shore, Jersey Shore.

It's not. Oh, she was, oh, oh, I see that. Oh, I see. She thought that she was meeting one buffoon. Yes. But she actually meant a different buffoon. I mean, I guess you'd rather be Pauly Shore. Yeah, of course.

Of course. Because I would actually have something to talk about with Pauly Shore. I would have been his movies. Yeah. Because let me tell you, I guarantee you anything. You get Pauly Shore talking about his filmography. You'll be there. there for a long weekend.

You'd be surprised. I talked to him on the phone a few times, and I've mentioned my VHS copy of son-in-law, and it was glossed over. This was a work-related call, but also maybe he was trying to be professional. You know what, buddy? It's all business on this call.

Enough with the chit-chat. Time is money. Money, money, money. That's cool, bro. I just want my daughter back. Yeah, Eric glossed over the part where he had kidnapped Pauli Short's daughter. I sent her, I sent him a picture of her with today's newspaper.

He asked, is that any better, though? And yes, I'm sorry, but I would have five questions firing off to her by her, for Holly Shore. But the real kicker came when she told me she met the director of the 40-year-old virgin. Now, neither of us are experts on our mid-2000s comedies. And sometimes, I forget which ones were directed by Judd Apatow. Or just the guys who are involved in the... Exactly, yeah.

It's by the guys who brought you the funny-year-old viz. From the guy who one time saw Judd Apatow on a target. And hitched them right there. And I think that's a fine thing to be mixed up over because, my lord. Yeah, exactly. Those ad campaigns were fucking trash. It's not their fault that those ads are trash. No, no, no.

But just a little bit. I mean, because it's sold super bad. And then they were just like, let's put it on fucking everything. Now, but I figured if she had met Mr. Apatow, she would have referred to him by name rather than one of his directing credits. So I decided to double check anyway. Sure enough, he had directed the 40-year-old virgin. So I, in disbelief, texted her, wait, you met Judd fucking Apatow? She responded, no.

He said his name was Greg Moss. I was confused. why was this man taking credit for directing a film that he has nothing to do with? Yeah, I directed Citizen Kane Whatever Orson who? No, no, no, that was all Jim

McBry I scoured the entire crew listing on IMDB for a Greg Moss thinking maybe he had just said he was involved in the making of the film and she had misheard him the name appeared nowhere on the cast list and Googling his name yielded no results

whatsoever either. Is he on that person of interest show? Does he have like a computer trying to find this guy that's a lot it's a lot um then something clicked in my head something i hoped deep down that i was wrong about but i soon found out that i was sadly very right after a quick reach after a quick search to confirm this suspicion i realized she had in fact misheard him on two counts his name is actually craig moss not gregg he was not the director of the film the 40-year-old virgin, but was, in fact, the director of the film, the 41-year-old virgin who knocked up Sarah Marshall and felt super bad about it, which, according to Wikipedia, was once

given a review wherein the reviewer told his audience, don't give Craig Moss your time or your money. Watch coverage of the BP oil disaster instead. I guarantee it's funnier. I believe it. You know, how do those types of movies still get made? Like, you know, all those, I guess they get made less now. Scream the last time. I know what you did last summer on Friday the 13th.

There's another one that's like that. The 300 one? Yeah. It's just DVD chum. They're like sub-spoof movies. Dude, like hire us to write them. Right? No.

Listen, you would make bank and it would actually be maybe funny. Now I'm looking up epic movie because those guys were rotten. So you want to hear the plot of this thing? Please.

The film follows. Andy, who needs to hook up with a haughty pronto because he hasn't had sex in, well, forever. And his luck isn't the only thing that's hard. His equally horny teenage roommates also need it super bad. And with the help of their nerdy pal, McAnil Lovin. Oh, come the... And his fake ID, they might tap more than just a keg. I take it back.

We can't write this. This is too good. It's too smart. I don't think we could ever come up with anything that good. thankfully by the time I alerted her of my revelation he had already left and the two of us were free to laugh in private about the mix-up but I can only imagine how awkward it would have been if she had started to ask him about the Steve Carell comedy

only for him to have to clarify that his film is the one starring Mad TV's Brian Callan and has a 2.6 on IMDB. It still has that 2.6 by the nice. It does not surprise. Well, this was just written like minutes ago. Oh, that's right. Hey, actually, can you imagine telling people you directed that movie? I wouldn't lead with that.

I certainly wouldn't. I would like the Wayne's brother is going to be asking. Yeah, we directed Scream. She had a wonderful time at her concert. We're currently having a great time finishing up your episode on Jason Next together. That's nice. Thank you for all the laughs, Gordon and Alyssa. Jesus, man.

All right, first off, stop meeting people. Yeah, this is a great lesson, dude. Don't talk to anybody. I agree. Because you might find people that direct trash like this and brag about it. Well, this is the thing is I, you know, I have a moderately successful podcast. And if I meet somebody and they don't know that, I don't tell them that. No, you don't.

I know. I just say I'm Mark Marin and I am the guy that does the what the fucks. If I directed an infamously bad movie, I certainly wouldn't fucking bring that up. Unless you're Tommy Wiseau, then you make your time living off of bragging about that. I'm definitely one of the guys from Pots of America, yeah. You see this svelte figure I got here? Exactly. By the way, there's another character in this movie called Black Guy.

B-L-A-Q-U-Y. Oh, that's a clever. You're saying something there. It's pretty funny, but not as funny as McAnneill-Lauvin. I got to just put that out there. Well, what is? That's true. That's very true.

And that is W-H-M mailbag for the month of September. Again, if you want your weird stories or crazy questions answered on the air, we all hate movies at gmail.com. And next month's October, get those spooky stories in. That's right. You ever fucking shit your pants on a haunted house? I want to hear about it. Also, let's just say it now. Next month

on Patreon, get yourself ready. It's coming soon. Van Helsing. Oh, that's the spookiest movie of them all. Look at that. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Mark Maren. Take it easy.

That was a HeadGum podcast.