We Hate Movies - S9: WHM Mail Bag: Gym Proms, Larry the Cable Guy Apologists, and Puking at the Movies

Episode Date: March 29, 2019

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the guys are reading letters from folks who threw up during Dude, Where's My Car?, had a botched audition for a Troma film, totally beefed on a prom outfit, and one fella who paused a genocide documentary at one of the worst possible parts while watching on a plane. If you want your wild stories read on the air, or if you have a question for the gang, write into the mail bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. You know, I'm going to be. I said that that's not marmalade. Oh, mercy. It's weird that you called that your Hitler story. I am just glad we can never tell that story on the air. It would finish us.

Anyway, welcome to WHM Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside the whole gang, Stephen Seda, Christopher Cabin, Eric Siska. We are here to read your letters in this video feed, but fear not. those who enjoy listening to things in audio form only this will be released for you guys in a few weeks for free on the main feed

look at us yeah you know if you're listening to this as audio in a month from now I'm thinking about growing my hair out so come on over to the YouTube page the YouTube channel I know you're reading the Witcher

are you trying to get Witcher hair now okay I'm reading the first the novel blood of elves I didn't I didn't read the short story that everyone said you should first. Oh, man, are you so lost now? No, I'm not, but I'm kind of angry that there's so many elves and dwarves. But comment on this video if I should grow my hair out or cut it. Don't comment on my appearance at all, but I also think about growing my hair out, but I don't have the guts.

I don't have the guts. I don't have the guts. Should I just go long? Should I go like, should I just be disgusting? Comment below. Eric, yes for long hair. Eric, no for short hair. I'm sorry, should you be disgusting?

Well, I'm going to either way. But should I Row it? I'm thinking about changing it up. Wow. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. It's for you to decide. It's listener request month, kind of almost. Don't worry, baby. I'll tell you when to cut it. I'll tell you when you look like shit.

Hey, Kevin, pull my hair. Okay. All right. Let's get into it. Steve Sadek. Start us off with the letter readings. Okay. A trauma audition. Do you know we hate movie. Mailbag? A letter from a previous episode about visiting the truck. Studios inspired me to write

into my own trauma tale. All right. Trauma tale. While that individual was attempting to tour their offices, I was one of those unfortunate individuals who was auditioning for their next feature film.

Oh. A meditation on Shakespeare's The Tempest, imaginatively entitled Shakespeare's Shit Storm. Who are these movies for? How? How? Who are they for?

I mean, I mean, that's first date, that's the end of her first date. It's like, oh, you want to go back to my place, watch Shakespeare shitstorm? What the fuck? Like, who's watching this shit? How are they still? Or even like, you ought to come back to my place and watch Shakespeare shit storm.

You guys are not aware of Tramma's Shakespeare line. Their adaption of Hamlet, my dad's fucking dead is great. Yeah. All righty. But about, well, there's also Trumio and Juliet, obviously. That's that's the most famous one. That's great.

So there's multiple. Toxic Avengers is the most famous trauma piece of shit ever. No, I meant Shakespeare. Oh, no. Actually, no, that was based of Richard III.

Toxic Avenger was. Yeah, everybody knows that. Yeah, just look into the production. Shakespeare in love was trauma, right? That absolutely, no, that was trauma studios. I know this was likely asking for trouble

and I hadn't considered myself a trauma fan in many, many years. But I thought I owed it to my teenage toxic Avenger loving self to give it a try. efforts were successful and and so I was told via email to show up in their studio

in Queens for a rehearsal which was looking about a mile walk from the last stop on the entry. It was one of the hottest days of summer I made it but I made it out there once I arrived nobody in the studio had any idea that there was supposed to be a rehearsal that I had been invited

to maybe this guy got the Craigslist switch possibly. This is a fucking classic catfish situation. Wait, by the end of the end line Does that mean that it's like, yes, it passes a story of dim mars. Yeah, you can get out in the weeds if you go out there. Probably where like the Steinway factory was. It's probably under the airport. Single cut brewery maybe.

Oh, single cut. Love single cut brewing. Bob. When I showed them my email, oh wow, you printed out the email. Show them the email instructing me to be there at a specific time and place. They told me that they, that was set by their production course. coordinator who had quit slash been fired a few days

before. They said that they were having a production meeting in five hours and I was welcome to stick around for that and maybe get some more information that. Five hours. Yeah, get the real trove experience. Five hours. And like again, you're in a cornfield practically. It's not like, you know, you're in midtown.

You're like, all right, I'll go catch a movie. You're lining up to what, gargle cornstarch and like water and shit. I'm just surprised they have meetings. Honestly, I'm surprised they have meetings It's shocking. Rather than spend any more time there, I said I would just await further instructions via email, but

not before I talked with the wardrobe supervisor about what sort of costume I should wear. In the initial email, I was told that wardrobe for my scenes was a party setting and that I should just wear something casual. So this is, we're not talking to lead here. This is an extra situation. I guess so, which now I'm realizing like, that's even worse. That's even worse.

Yeah. You wanted to be an extra in a trauma I mean that's like sort of like I'm not working what am I doing or not even I'm you know that might be fun. Is it an extra in a trauma movie paid? No but like I could spend my day either fucking jerk it off or be at a trauma movie. You know what I there's one of those two things I love

doing and here's a hint it's not watching trauma movies dude. Holy shit. WHM Confessions we said it was coming but by the way like an extra wouldn't go to rehearsal. Yeah that's a really good point to be some kind of a line. He's got to speak something like he's got to say something maybe we'll find out

Hey, this party's hot. However, a custom I should wear. In the initial, I was told that I should the wardrobe for my students would be a party setting. I should just wear something casual, specifically. Nothing that I didn't already have hanging in my closet.

That's like, don't go shopping and give us the receipt. If it's got a stain on it, it's fine. Don't worry, be you ought to party. Now the thing is you usually tell you They usually tell you not to wear logos or anything But please, we're Nike, wear Reebok, wear whatever you want What we do is we show the footage And then the Nike Corporation pays us to digitally blur it

That's a little, it's called two bites of the same apple It's also going to be stained anyway So what is something stained or wear a logo It's going to be covered by the grime and the film Also, every time we get sued, it's free publicity. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that job. We only have so many ruffles. Oh, God.

Uh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, hang in my closet. However, suddenly the wardrobe director told me that, uh, what I was needed, what I needed was two identical suits because one of them was going to be repeatedly sprayed with shit. Cool. Now, you know what a fucking great way to spend your time. And I'm going to guess it doesn't mean, like, I think they mean shit. You know what I mean? Like, no, here at Troma Studios, we only use the best in legitimate shit props. Straight from a horse farm.

It's like their toilet just funnels into a hose that they spray their actors with. But like, if you're going to make people be sprayed with shit, you're buying those clothes. You're providing those clothes. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is a vintage diarrhea from Devine's last days. Oh, my God. Oh, wow, that's a fucking real.

That should be a, that should. Yeah. That should be in a museum. You'd think like Christy's would be auctioning there. It's shocking that they're not. Naturally, I did not have two identical suits hanging in my closet, especially ones that I would likely never be able to wear again. I spent the rest of the afternoon searching thrift stores for suits to no avail.

I waited patiently for further instructions about rehearsal. Oh, my God, what's this fucking letter. Productions start. Thank you for your life. Never came. I started to wonder if the film was falling apart Finally it was Finally one Saturday night at 2 a.m.

I received the email saying the production was beginning on Monday morning So I should show up with my costumes And prepared to work for 15 hours for 15 hour days for three weeks There was no mention of payment Shocking, whoa shocking Three weeks, 15 hour days, this guy's like a lead Yeah exactly You're being covered in Divine's shit

I mean, that's payment enough, as far as I'm concerned. There was no mention of payment, and my previous inquiries about such matters when unanswered, so I decided this is all too much that I decided to give up on my trauma dreams. A week later, I checked their Twitter, and they posted some videos from the set. I finally got to see what I was missing out on. Ron Jeremy. Wow, you missed the hedgehog, dude.

What a tragedy. I mean, that's, you know, then you have a Ron Jeremy story. Yeah, I got a chance to smell Ron Jeremy, and how terrible that was. Rod Jeremy and various other D-level porn stars were in various stages of undress and rolling around kiddie pools full of brown water and floating turns. Again, don't put kitty pools in a sentence like that.

Totally right. That is a lawn pool. I never felt so happy to turn down an acting job. Perhaps I'll feel some phoma when the film is eventually released, but somehow I don't think so. Thanks for all you do and keep doing more of it. No name given.

So, youth consultant, Stephen Sadek, what is FOMO? I have, you know what? I was just thinking, I have no idea. It's supposed to be FOMO. FOMO. It's fear of missing out. FOMO. All right.

Yeah. All right. You knew that. Oh, I knew that. Okay. I even knew that they fucked it up in their typing. Unless FOMA is something else entirely. It could be.

But I assume it's. Fear of missing agony. That would actually be more accurate. Fear of missing ass. Oh, right. Because that's where the shit comes. Or what would the hedgehog being on. Oh, right.

He could, yeah. He was a great ass. Yeah, I mean, like, it just never, never would I go to the trauma studio. Absolutely not. No, I mean, I guess I understand that, like, if you were really into the idea of I'm going to be in a one movie, at least in my life, that I can rent somewhere. Yeah, sure. I guess that's your easiest portal to that. That makes sense.

Is Ron Jeremy diseased, do you think? You can't be, right? They keep it pretty clean, remember? You got to keep it clean. Yeah. You don't have a diseased hedgehog. on the sack. Well, you get another diseased actor with him. There you go. Match him up.

All right, Chris Cabin. Jim Prom. Jim Prom. Hey, I'm a Jim Prom. Oh, it's G. Y.N. Excuse me. Oh, I remember Jim Prom. He ran for president in 2016, dropped out pretty early. Lincoln Chaffee made it longer. Lincoln Chaffee. Remember that, dude? I am Chaffee. Yes, I do.

Oh, man. I'm going to... Hi. I'm going to stub four people with two questions. Can either of you name either Jill Stein or Gary Johnson's running mate. No, who cares? Did they have one? They would have to if they're running, yeah, right? Did they have one? I wish Jill Stein, wasn't it shooting some game?

Oh, yeah. That's a good internet impression. That's an impression of the internet. It really is. I just thought that right now. It was like Brown and Smith. That's my guess. With Gary Johnson, I'm pretty sure it was just a chair.

It was Gary Johnson and then his friend Barry Johnson, who you never saw. He's wearing a fake mustache, you think? Absolutely. Oh, yeah, yes. Oh, the vice president debates are right now. Okay, I'll be right back. Uh, yes, it's me. Gary, Barry Johnson.

Very different than my friend, Gary. Sir, please leave the auditorium. I don't have to. It's my auditorium. Jim prom. uh dear w hm love the show and just signed up for your patreon hey thanks thank you thank you by the way patreon patreon dot com slash we hate movies if you want much more there is for instance a three hour well two hours of 51 minute episode on star wars wow plugging the we love movies month it was such a

such a success and bad boys just came out this month and other stuff totally Lara croft tomb raiders coming out next so you'll enjoy i shuddered because we're about to record the episode on that and I remembered watching it last night and my asshole tightened up. Ooh, not good. All right, Kevin. Worth it. In your What Women Want episode,

you talked about proms happening at gyms and while my prom was held at our high school gym has nothing to do with my story. All right. It did inspire me to tell you about my prom, which is yet more proof that I am a stubborn asshole.

Throughout high school, I was a bit of a loser. Are you a loser? Been there, man. Disney's the kid I grew up to be a loser I'm glad you said Disney's the kid The film Disney's the kid

He could be talking about Charlie Chapman That's where my head went You're totally right cabin I had a couple of close friends But I never really fit in with any of the classic High School clicks I was too dorky for the jocks Too stupid for the nerds and not popular enough for the cool kids

To be fair you call that a floater my friend So long as you've got a group of friends and you can kind of go around. Nobody, I mean, like, it depends. If people are, like, literally calling you a loser to your face, then I guess you happen to be a loser at the time. The floater, man, the turd that gets flushed first. You're the least likely to be invited to anything.

I sort of possess the ability to sashet between groups. The lines between the lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where I was floating, man. I was behind the books on the bookshelf. I was Matthew McConae playing the book piano. Where's my daughter? Where's my daughter?

Oh, my God. That guy's not a jock, nor a nerd, nor a goth. Oh, man. But he's got some cool sideburns. I found a really cool party between these bookcases where I'm going to play pool. And then boom, I'm going outside and driving a Lincoln. You know, that is the saddest commercial I've seen in a really long time. It's puzzling.

Because it starts with Matthew McConaughey leading that dinner conversation. He's telling what I can only imagine is a great story. It's a wild turkey commercial just to get everybody. No, this is the Lincoln one. Oh, the Lincoln commercial. He's telling a story. He's pontificating. Everybody's hanging on his every word.

Is this in a car? No, no, no. This is a house. This is at a party. He's at a dinner party. A really nice house kind of thing. It's a house that's been used in movies before. I've seen this house in movies before.

Then it cuts. He tells this great story that we get like the last word of. Then it cuts to him playing pool by himself. And he does like a trick shot thing. And everybody's like, that's so fucking cool. I've never seen that before. Is that in a car? no that's at the party then he leaves the party and gets in the car and he's just all alone and he drives off and I was like what happened I've been working on a theory that he does that trick shot and it's like so freaking cool and everyone's like oh my god not only that that guy talked to us a lot it was really charming but he did that cool shot oh my god wait where is he stole my car stole my fucking car hey he's stealing your car man my beautiful lincoln yeah I always

St. Lincoln's. I drink wild turkey while I'd do it. Did he just take his wallet? I think he took his wallet. I think I took the guy's wallet. My wallet's gone. Wow, we are like criss-crossing pop culture references. It's awesome. Sorry. I kept to myself until my senior year. For whatever reason, my senior year, I started making friends with the popular kids. That means you're popular, buddy. Getting invited to parties, sitting at the cool table, finally scoring a girlfriend. Girlfriend, you're popular. Yeah, that's right. absolutely. My only high school girlfriend, Jenna, was gorgeous. Nice. Hey, you can set this a picture in the next

letter, man. This is subjective. I'm sure I'd find her repulsive. Way out of my league on paper. She's one of the smartest and most popular students at school. We dated for the majority of senior year. In the beginning of the year, we had joked about me going to prom wearing the same

orange tucks Jim Carrey wore in dumb and dumber. The problem was, I didn't think it was a joke. I thought it was a plan. So as prom drew closer and closer, we started to argue over the tucks. Let it go, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. That joke's better on paper. Well done. Anytime you say, wouldn't it be funny if that's a joke, and that means don't do it. That's it. That is it. Also, by the way, working theory about those tuxedos, I'm pretty certain that's a reference to Howard Hawks gentlemen prefer blondes.

Because Marilyn Monroe and the other woman whose name I can't remember Jane Russell, I think, are wearing a sort of like orange and light blue outfit in that movie. Yeah.

And they look stupid as shit and everyone laughs at them. Everybody is totally gorgeous because it's Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe. It makes sense because everybody knows Peter Farrelly is a genius.

Shit, dude, we were recording this just a few days before the Oscars. You have to be an Academy Award winner. Peter Farrely is a genius. She kept saying she didn't want to go to prom with somebody dressed like an idiot. You know what? That makes total sense. At this point, she didn't know I had also planned to get the same bowl cut that Carrie had in the film. This is going too far. This is a real problem. The fight got so intense. We eventually broke up and went to prom separately. Dude. Pull out.

No, you're not pulling out anything. He got broken up with. Exactly. There's no pulling out. Oh, wait a hold on that the next sentence is so important. Turns out she was right. I did in fact look like a total jacket. He did it anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, he did it anyway. I respect that. Dedication to the bit. You got nothing to lose. Oh, my God. Jackass indeed. I guess dumb and dumber wasn't as popular as I thought. well that's incorrect yeah it was

this is just a terrible idea nobody gives this shit it's not a costume party right the whole night I had to continuously tell people I was dressed like from the movie and not just an idiot dude when you are one half of a couple's costume go home and fucking change

listen guy just chip your tooth and wear a limo's chauffeur outfit yeah you're fine after the prom I was immediately sent back to the bottom of the high school food chain I belonged and nobody talked What does it matter now? Isn't that the end?

Yeah. Oh, man, the last three weeks of school, you'll fuck yourself. Well, it's like losing the big game in the last two minutes of the fourth quarter. You fucking blew it. Oh, no. I don't give a shit, but this guy blew it. You blew it, but like... I didn't blow it.

I rode out on a fucking high wave of glory. Did you really? Oh, I don't know. I can speak from experience. No, he did not. Fun fact. Oh, fuck me. Jenna and I are still friends.

That shows a lot of strength on her part. I even went to her wedding where she married a guy she started dating at our prom. And I'm not angry about it. Hold on a second. That's incredible. So did he have the Samsonite briefcase? No, I wore a traditional suit for the wedding. Well, you learned your lesson at least.

Dude, you should have stuck it to her and fucking wore that goddamn shit. That would have been legitimately. funny and disturbing. Ultimate revenge. Wrong. Go full Ace Ventura at that point. Get the hair do. Swoop hair?

Oh yeah. Dude. Hawaiian shirt the whole thing. Talk out of your ass. Give a speech. Demand to give a speech. And then put it to your asshole. No,

no. What you have to do is get a violent beege in the middle of a ceremony. Yeah. No, you bring, I mean, you spend, I don't know, two grand.

You get Dan Marino for the day. So now it's you. You do not get Dan Marino out of bed for less than $20,000. $2,000. Dan Marino, get out of here. Depends, are we in Southern Florida or not Southern Florida? Two grand, OJ. Simpson.

Yes, that's definitely possible. That'd be great. Thanks for the free and premium laughs, Gary. Oh, Gary, that was a great letter. Thank you, Gary so much. And thank you for being a Patreon supporter. That's right. Man, isn't it amazing how little prom matters?

Like, you would think, you would think that I, you, I go decades without thinking about the problem. didn't go, but like just decades without even thinking about it. Without even thinking. I didn't go either, but I do believe, I wasn't there for the episode where you guys talked about gym proms. Yeah. I believe mine

was a gym prom. Oh, was it? Okay. Because this is if you're in a small-ass school. Yeah. Yeah, we had like a graduating class of like 60 or something. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe 100. I don't know. Some people probably dropped off. I'm surprised you didn't have field prom. Fields closed after dark.

You can't have a kid's run around the field? All right, Eric Ciskin. Reckin the hay. Oh, okay. Yes, back to the reading. Oh, I forgot how. Larry the cable guy ruined my life.

Hey, ours too. Hi, WHM guys. You finished? Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, dear. This is why you need to watch it on YouTube. This beer just spilled everywhere. Why?

Southern tier brewing, you sneaky devil. You son of a. bitch. I fixed it. Makes a slob out of you and me. Sorry, pants. Anyway, apologies for the long email. Oh, God.

Hint, hint, when you write apologies for the long email, stop yourself and then be like, well, how do I make this email short? That's right. Let me take out this detail, that detail, and then now you don't have to apologize to anybody. I was wearing blue when I wrote this email. I don't know how to tell

the story any other way. I'm a huge fan and Patreon. on supporter. Thank you very much. Quick plug. Anyone watching, listening should become a supporter. It's totally worth it. He wrote that. It's right there. It's right there. Not me. Where's the camera? Right there.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, they got it. Yeah, I don't think they got it, but fine. It's dynamic content. Anyone who wants this email forward to them, give me your email address. How much more dynamic do you need? I just spilled beer all over my balls. Yes, well, okay, you want more pictures of the balls. You want the email? comment below. That's not happening. The ball pictures are not happening. E-mailing the balls.

E-mailing my balls? Or you rather fax them? Put it through one of those juggernauts. Miranda! Nobody just emailed me their balls. Just you, you fucking around on my email again, Miranda? Miranda writes, man, you get free balls. You have the right to free ball. If you cannot, I can't even.

If you cannot provide balls, balls will be, yes, court-appointed balls. Please return the balls before you leave. Jeez, my balls are no good. Have these even gone through puberty yet? How are they going to get me out of this case? Oh, my God.

Anyways, I have a very long, please read this man's email. I have a somewhat funny story about how Larry the cable guy ruined my chances with a nice girl and made me do extra school work. I was a senior in high school during the 2006-2007 school year. All right. I don't mean to brag, but I was pretty popular and a good athlete.

Oh, fuck you. Oh, wait. Patreon supporter. I absolve you. Well, no, now this guy should bully the other guy. We should connect them so that he could bully. Maybe that's what our new thing is. Maybe that's how we become finally profitable as we make like a bullying buddy system.

Like a bully buddy. He can dress up like Jeff Daniel. and they can just hang out in a room together and waste the rest of their lives. Another turning point of fox stuck in the road. This guy should dress as Charles Rocket, right? Oh, yeah, I guess that's true. He should be Charles Rocket.

Where do you get all that fake bloods? Oh, you know what, man? I was about to be like, everybody avoided a suicide joke. That's great. Nope. I think he's underrated as my defense of its pet. Oh, that's right.

I forgot about that. All right. One day I went on a feature. trip with the Spanish department to St. Louis. That's a traditional Spanish locale. A little rich boy over here. To hang out the botanical gardens and zoo. What does that have to do with Spanish?

I grew up in East Central Illinois, and this trip was a fun day out of school. There was a girl on the trip that was a year younger than me, and I always thought she was very pretty. We'll call her Mary. Because that was her name. No. Mary and I had talked a little bit.

Her family would do the same Catholic church as mine, but we never really spent time together. I walked up to her in the Botanical Gardens and asked if she wanted to hang out for a bit. She said, sure. I've never done that. Like, hey, want to hang out? Yeah, sure.

You're not a popular jock, my friend. That's true. This dude is popular jock. This guy's young and he's cut and he looks gorge. That's, you know. popular jock he's big and he plays football and he'll kick your fucking ass we walked along the manicured rose of flowers joking and laughing nice please email again with what the jokes were talking about school and mutual friends in my dumb ass 17 year old brain it seemed like our love

was blossoming like the countless pink blue and yellow petals surrounding wow this is Some real lush prose. Well, you know, it's like I'm there. Regular Graham Green over here. That's me making a book reference. Yeah. Now you can see me doing the book reference. Just a reminder that I, Steve Zadak, read books.

Could we get like one of these fans, one of these hot jocks to come and bully Steve? On one of these video mailbags, that'd be terrific. That would be pretty fun. Well, they'll be paying someone to bully me, which is a whole different situation I'm going to spring a little bit for that. No, when you pay someone

to bully you as an adult, that's just a fetish. Yeah, that's called sex work. Wouldn't that be nostalgic for you? Catholic school at all. Sorry, I was drinking a beer. When it was time to get back on the bus, I asked her if she would like to go on a date, specifically if she would like to go see a movie.

She was enthusiastic about the idea and put her cell phone number in my phone contact. list. Wow. Just being in high school with cell phones. Yeah, that's a weird. New thing. Yeah. There was cell phones creeping in when we were. Oh, but they were like those blue screen Nokia's. Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. They weren't like real cell phones. God, those blue screen Nokia's. Those were something. They had, they had three ringtones. One that kind of sounded like a phone. The one that was de la-la-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le. And then, for some reason, have a gila. Those were the ringtones you had on a phone. That's true. If you want to see them, check out 24 season

one. Yeah, totally. You're right. Why don't, why oh my good man? Did you give me one of those blue dokees? You know what? You know, the prequels? I always thought that prequel technology would be dirtier and dumber. Didn't do it. Somehow it's cleaner. Doesn't make sense. It's slicker. It doesn't make sense. It's like with like Star Trek discovery. It should be like looking shitty as fuck. And it looks clean and more high tech than the original series. enterprise is kind of shitty as fuck so they kind of got they did do it right on enterprise totally now where was i we didn't sit next to each other we didn't sit next to each other other other other other other other than on the bus home but we were texting the entire time fast forward to sunday of the next weekend oh thank god you i can tell you what you're going to cut out give me a red pen i told her that she could pick the movie and she chose delta farce starring larry the cable oh epe I picked her up and sat through the whole film holding her hand. She laughed at all the classic larryism.

Classic larryisms. I couldn't believe. I think it's just get her done, right? Yeah, I mean, that's the only one. Well, like, oops, I farted. Yeah, refurt you heard, your back cracked. Did he say that more than once? No, I don't know.

That was one of those best stand-up joke, though. Yeah, it was. Maybe he said Tater salad in the movie and it just got confused. I know it's wrong way, but he might have stolen. Larry, I'm going to sue you. If I ever sober up, I'm going to sue you, you piece of shit. God, that's what I want. I want, like, instead of like Marvel's Civil War, I want the Civil War of the Blue Collar Comedy Crew.

You put Civil War and Blue Collar Comedy together. You get a whole different product, my friend. Yeah, that's actually true. It's about tradition. I guess you should call it the Blue and Gray comedy. Taste does put a smile. on my face. You ever fart so hard,

you write a petition to keep some statues around. I think, who's that other one that nobody remembers? Bill Engval. Bill Engval would be like the hawk eye

of the girl. Yeah, exactly. You're like, where's Bill Engval? Who cares? But Andrew, he's going to have a big role in end game. You might? I'm just anticipating the internet.

Yeah, yeah. I took her home after the movie and met her mom, parentheses, super nice. Sick. And dad, parentheses, dismissive, which I appreciate it. That is all dads when you are dating their high school daughter. She invited me up to her room which her parents had no problem with. Get the fuck out of here.

She closed the door. Hold on. Talk about dismissive. Closed door. High school, bedrooms. Not at this house, Missy. Wow. I'm like, I'm like the dad.

now having a problem with this. I can't even believe it. And they're texting? Eric, you should be dismissive. He'd appreciate it. This is some email guy. Is that dismissive? Then she asked me what I thought of the movie.

I said, I didn't really like it. I'm not really a big fan of Larry the cable guy. She kept bringing it up asking why I didn't like the movie. I kept trying to deflect. Eventually, I realized that I couldn't honestly answer her without hurting her feelings. So as an out, on Sunday around 7 p.m., I said I had to finish Spanish class

extra credit project and turned it in on Monday morning. I drove home and printed out a bunch of pictures of at the time current members of the soccer team Real Madrid for a poster. Real Madrid. Okay. Well, you're the one that hates these extra details.

I don't know about that. I don't care about this. You know what? I hate extra details, but you know what I hate more mispronunciation. But there's no accent. That is Real Madrid. I know that the fucking soccer team.

Hold on a second. What'd you call it? Real Madrid. You are man of the world. I'm just a simple. I'm just Larry here. Hey, cool. I'm watching the real Madrid game eating tater tots. I do not know how to make this email a shorter.

Don't tell me what your fucking Spanish homework was. The Spanish homework is crucial. I've actually read this email. Okay. All right. Maybe I'm an asshole. This guy's a Patreon supporter. So I retract everything negative.

I also wrote a two page paper on the history of the team to go along with the post. I love this whole thing by the way, creating a totally shitty last second extra credit project because you know this teacher's going to take it. That's a

constanza moves. It's a total Kastanza move, absolutely. I mean, you should have just done a poster of Franco. Oh, yeah. I love it. Oh, yeah. Just leave that there. The best of the best, Franco. That's right. famed Spaniard James

Franco. Oh, no. Oh, the dictator. Oh, you know the better one. At the dining room. The good Franco. I'm kidding. We're not talking about Dave Franklin. Yeah, he's the best of the best. At the dining room table as I was hastily

gluing pictures to a poster board with my messy handwriting underneath my dad walks by, points at the poster and asks, this passes this extra credit. Classic dad. my dad walks by his passes as extra credit you

piece and shit why don't you start paying rent and when are you going to take me to that Larry the cable guy the crystal mess isn't going to shatter and crack up itself oh nice we don't know that

that's why you're learning Spanish to be the middle man with the guy Anyway. My dad was a drug king. That'd be amazing. This would be like the start of a novel. That'd be pretty sweet.

Long enough to be. I turned to the project the next morning because I was, because I feared that Mary would find out that I'd made it up if I didn't. Oh, Mary, I promise it's not a made-up extra credit assignment. What the fuck? This is English. You don't give me your poster way to the post? You sit down.

My Spanish teacher rolled her eyes, stapled two pages of paper to the poster and put it on the wall of quote-unquote cultural projects. A gallery of half-assed artwork and displays made by white kids. Page turned, you could see this on YouTube. We're tending to understand Spanish and Latin American culture. At the end of the year, I'm sure that my poster

and paper ended up in the dumpster. Absolutely. So did my heart. So my poster and paper is sitting in the landfill of Illinois right now. And I tried to skip a sentence and then I realized it nip me in the bud there. Oh. Yeah. So he just said that they definitely didn't recycle anything at his school.

So the poster's in the dumpster. Just so we're all clear. Sure. Oh, good. I was lost for a second. The materials probably won't decompose for hundreds of years. Well, paper, it's probably gone already. It's been 12 years.

I'm just saying that project is long gone. It's from the earth and it returns to the earth. That's exactly right. I think it's a fitting monument to Larry the cable guy. Best regards, Will, in Seattle now. Well, thank you for supporting our Patreon. And thank you for getting out of East Central Illinois. Can I give you a one word response that's going to get you out of any and all awkward movie conversations for the rest of your life?

Yeah, yeah. It's, you're in this situation. I knew you're going to say it. I knew you're going to say it. And you're not Chris Cabin. You're someone that doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Maybe you're with somebody that really enjoyed a movie. You didn't.

Sure. Et cetera, et cetera. You're going to make out somebody and you'd like to continue with the making out. So what did you think in the movie? It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun.

Just play ignorant. Your real feelings can wait. It's just fun. It's fun. They can wait for your IMDB user review. Fun is, it's generic. It could be stupid. It could be bad.

It was fun. I had fun with it. I was fun. Oh, Grandma, you like that movie? It was fun. Even if you're like choking it back, you don't want to say that. You just be like, it was dumb fun. But you can't say it negatively.

Oh, it was dumb fun. They're completely right. Lie to all potential partners. It's a go-to thing. Cabin, you know what, man? Sometimes people don't want to fucking hear your opinion about a movie, man. I don't care. Sometimes I just want to get in the car after King Kong and shut the fuck up.

You can't. you're with me now fucker you know you get you get back with your you're driving back with your boss Monday morning your boss is like oh did you see that prodigy this weekend oh I did what did what did you think oh it's fun

you know what I mean it really smacked my bitch up oh wait you mean the movie the film the prodigy I totally forgot that the film the prodigy exists and I thought he was talking about the band too yeah I thought he was talking about the fat of the land which I owned on CD fun sick F-U-N that's easy

done. Twisted fire starter. I'm a fire starter. Breathe with me. Yeah. Holy fuck, I know what I'm listening on the way home. All right, cool.

Proper airplane viewing etiquette. Longtime listener, first time writing into the mailbag. Before I share my story, I do have to brag that I may be the only WHM listener who can say they were taught. Oh boy, I know who this person is. They were taught the art of 35 millimeter projection by Mr. Andrew Jupin himself. I've lived to tell about it.

That's right. Yeah, you know what that guy said about that class? Oh, it's fun. You know, that was dumb fun. Oh, Andrew, he's fun. Yeah, that is a legitimate critique of hanging out with me. He was a wonderful teacher, but I will say you've never experienced terror until you've had Andrews stare at you with disappointment after damaging a print of the best exotic Marygold Hotel. Oh, that was that movie where old people get horny.

No, it's in a very specialized subgenre of film called Old English People are at first afraid of Indian people and then learn that they're human beings. Oh, that's so fun. Oh, they're not fucking. No, the old people, the old white people are fucking each other. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, they get in there. But also they learn that Indian people are human beings. Yeah, that's an important lesson to learn in your 80s.

Oh, one less lash with the whip today. I've learned to respect you. It was the same look. My father gave me when I told him I was quitting the basketball team to try out for the high school musical. Look, 35mm prints are expensive. Anyways, I wanted to share a story from back in 2012 when I won a vacation to Mexico with my wife. After a layover in Georgia, we got on our second flight where my wife had the window seat and I was in the middle seat. and the aisle seat was a very wholesome Bible Belt fellow

around the age of 40. He shook my hand when he sat down and introduced himself, excited to tell me that this was his first flight ever. Shoot me in the fucking head. And last. Like, don't talk to me on a plane. I don't like talking to people I know on planes. I'm going to storm the cockpit.

What actually that snuck going on here, buddy, so I can do it right. No, it's still too early. Too late, I think. I made some small talk being polite and told him that the nerves of flying would go away once the plane was in the air. After takeoff, I took on my laptop

to watch a screener I had been given of a new film. Some might not find this to be the best way to start a vacation to Cancun, but I ended up watching a documentary called The Act of Killing. That's awesome. For those unfamiliar,

it's about the Death Squad leaders of the Indonesian genocide in the 1960s. Well done. That's a simplistic way of saying it, but sure. Well, it's like a fucking three-hour movie, man. I get it. I eventually started falling asleep,

so I hit the pause and dozed off. I'm afraid of watching Game of Thrones on a plane. Like, you know, like, what is it might be a little too racy? Well, no, see, I will, I will totally be fine with, like, violent whatever. Like, when we played, uh,

oh, when we did a show in Atlanta, we did a Friday of the 13th movie. And I was watching that shit on the plane. I didn't have a fucking problem with that. The nudity. It's the nudity. Yeah.

It is the nudity. What are you, what are you watching from somebody else on a plane? You know what's, no one's going to ask. you, what are you reading? Yes. Perhaps a book. Thanks, Dad.

I'm still disappointed, Chris, when you left the basketball team. They were mean to me. You were the best water boy they had. After the plane had landed, I asked the man next to me to how he felt after his first time flying. He told me it was fine, but immediately got up and grabbed his bag,

standing in the aisle until we could leave. I was confused as he was so friendly before the flight but now seemed uncomfortable even sitting next to me. It was bugging me the whole way to the hotel. Did my head roll onto his shoulder while I was sleeping? Did I drool? Did I snore? I wouldn't figure out the truth until I opened up my laptop later that night. It turns out the frame that I had paused the act of killing on

was the scene where Adi, one of the Death Squad leaders, is at the mall shopping with his family. I attached a screenshot for you to see. It seems harmless just Adi shopping with his wife and daughter. but what I realized at the bottom of the screen were the subtitles for his voiceover, which went, we shoved wood in their anus until they died.

Looking back in this incident years later, I do find it hilarious, which it is, but I also feel awful that I traumatized this innocent man on his first flight. Look, here's the deal. You distracted this dude from thinking the plane was going to crash because he was looking at your abhorrent

documentary subtitles. It's not like you shoved wood into his anus until he died. Still, of my top five would not watch on a plane movies, the act of killing is like number three. It's up there. At the very least, I don't think he'll be seeking out any more of Joshua Oppenheimer's filmography anytime soon. Do you have any

similar stories of leaving a motel, a movie paused at a really awkward scene out of context, or maybe an inappropriate movie choice for a flight. Thanks, W.H.M. And see at work, Andrew. Sean G. thank you very much buddy uh yeah the plane thing is always terrifying and it was actually you know it's funny when we played uh oh when we were going to milwaukee uh-huh that the chicago milwaukee shows we did last year on the plane i was watching tank girl on the train no no no on the plane

i was also watching tank girl yeah and um like from new york to chicago and there's like the the showering scene where she's like getting like dust thrown on or whatever and she's naked and I was like looking around and then I got rid of that well that happened to me too

I was sitting next to a well adjut like a really like they were they weren't on the honeymoon they were young clean cut a fresh couple they were very nice obnoxious and I'm the third fat guy

and I'm like I'm gonna watch this Jason Voorhe's movie I write for Fangoria you will Wish. Oh, dude, get those fucking fat fango checks. I have a really bad story.

Oh, oh. I was on a plane and I was watching... Pornography. No, probably worse. I was watching society. Oh, come on, Camin. You're trying to fuck up.

It was my first time. I don't know what's happening at the end of this thing, but here was the problem. And I'm pretty good about like turning my computer to like make sure nobody gets to see it because I was like,

it's a horror movie. Something's going to happen. What I did notice, so I put in my headphones, and it sounds like a little light in my headphones. I'm like, that's weird, but whatever. And I start playing it, and I go all the way through. And I just like, at like mid shuntoning, I start getting this. Oh, no, dude. And the lady next to me is like, you know your headphones aren't all the way in.

I can hear everything. Oh, my God. You are such a colossal fuck up. That is insane. Oh, my God. Yuck. Sorry, everybody. And sorry to that lady.

Did they divert the flight? We're landing in Pittsburgh. No. To arrest this man. That's hilarious. No, but I tried to spend the rest of the time in the bathroom. Yeah, that's about right. All right.

All right, Steve Sadek, the final letter. Oh, my God. Of the evening. Of February, the shortest of all months, by the way. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah.

Check a calendar. the longest. Is that true? And now, vomit. I love this subject. Okay, now get to the letter. No, no, no, this is...

What? What, what, what? Dear W.H.M. Since there are a few things funnier than hearing you guys recount tales of bodily functions, gone awry, I thought I'd recount the time that I went to the movies and subsequently puked multiple times

throughout the entire duration of the film. That's awesome. rules. More vomit letters, by the way. No, please do not. We all hate movies at gmail.com. It was New Year's Eve, 2000. Whoa. 2000. And my friend Matt and I were planning to go to the movies during the

afternoon since we both had family parties to attend later in the evening. Our initial plan was to go see the W.HM classic Dracula 2000. 2000. But alas, the theater had already taken it out of rotation. I mean, look at the fucking newspaper.

dude see what you do you do the whole notion of rolling up to the movies without knowing what you're going to see it was a different time it was a different time I was a big movie roll up guy you're a fucking cinematic terrorist because the movie theater I went to all this time was connected to the mall and the mall this was back when malls were a thing oh right mall so I was just like I could just fucking kick around for an hour yeah and just see what to see it's around uh fair enough but the last theater taking an hour rotation not wanting to waste the trip the theater since it was 30 40 30 to 40 minute trip to get there. We pressed on and shows WHM hopeful dude where's my car. Oh, I saw this in the theaters too. Definitely stay tuned. I watched it recently. Good God. Indeed. The night prior was feeling a bit sick, but I wanted to, but I figured it would be okay the following day. So I just decided to suck it up. You know, just suck it up. You got to go see dude. Where's my car? Just suck it up. Look at the idea like you have to see Dracula 2000. Oh, right. That was the driving force. It's the new Sean William Scott movie.

We got to see it. No, no, no, no. Steve was right. The initial trip was to see Dracula 2000. Dracula 2000 is the better film, which is crazy. Everyone involved in dudes where dude, where's my car should be like retroactively canceled. Ashton

Coucher, Sean William Scott. Yo, you know who's in that movie dude? Who? Donkey lips. Oh, wow. You can't cancel donkey lips. Believe me, we fucking try. I think he got canceled in, what, 1995? Earlier than that. Oh, that new, that interview, that old interview resurfaced with Don, from Donkey Lived.

Dude, that John Wayne thing was so pathetic. Why are we shocked that John Wayne was a racist? He is a racist. That's totally fine. It's not totally fine. It's just like, then that's, don't watch John, when is the last time you, the person who's upset about this John Wayne thing, gave a shit about John Wayne, watch a John Wayne movie. Exactly.

Yeah, I mean, like, and also the first. the 70-year-old dad, they're like, hey, dad, John Wayne was a racist. He's like, meh. Yeah, he knows it. You're not surprising him.

He's like, yeah, yeah, sure. Give me five seconds. I know he was. That's why he's the best. I mean, look, it's, I mean, it's fine thing I've said, but there's,

there's actually real problems in the world. Just stop. Just stop. He's been dead for 40 years. Yeah, just calm the fuck on that you were surprised about that. Jesus Christ.

I mean, you literally have nothing else. Jesus Christ also problematic. If you saw that interview with the fucking Bedlam Gazette, yikes. And wait till they read that interview with fucking Walt Disney from 1940. Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah. You can cancel that dude. Yeah, who did Walt Disney think was controlling Hollywood? I got a couple of ideas. We bought our tickets. I decided to buy a sprite to ease my still upset stomach while my friend bought Butterfinger Bebees and a Coke.

Remember Butterfinger Bebeys? I do. Yeah. There's a weird little cluster guys, right? You know what? I'm going to come out for them. I am coming out for them also. Thank you.

They were fucking great. Because you know what? Sometimes a Butterfinger is a little too much butterfinger. It is. There, I said it. Sometimes I wanted a BB. Oh, now you're going to be canceled. I think the Butterfinger is in general to...

This is an interview. So I was going to read in 2098. He didn't like Butterfinger Beebeet. What did it? he think a bunch of crunch what did he think a bunch of crunch punch what did he think a bunch of crunch suck what dude that's fucking nutrageous of you blah blah blah oh right so many blas and a coke could be trudged into the shitty experience of ashen kutcher and

will Sean William scott bumbling through nonsensical bullshit dude my sweet and then a bunch of slurs my oh it's like if you got a transcript from that and you did like like Google Word Search Gay slurs. Wow, there's a lot of yellow highlighter on your document. It is nonstop in that movie. Also, though, again, I'm not shocked by the way. Yeah, what do you expect from a script from Gavin McGuinness?

Penned by. Everyone wishes he was that talented. Now, this is YouTube's. You can't say his name two more times or he will appear on this stream. Oh, that's right. Be very, you got one. Zip. My teeth are going to fall out of my head.

My friend offered me a butterfinger BB, and I decided to take one, biting into it, seemed to trigger a horrible reaction as I bolted out of my chair and I rushed to the nearest bathroom to unleash a torrent of vomit into the bowl. That's awesome. After a few moments... It's better than the movie.

After a few moments, I raised myself on unsteady legs in the most intense decision of my day, went insane decision of my day, I went back into the theater to continue watching the film. I went back and forth between the bathroom and the theater at least five times. Dude, it is time to go home, man. You're a little too sick for the movie, buddy.

It's okay. John M. I'll be there when you get home. And yet still managed not to lose any of the plot strands that were going on through the movie. Of course not. They're looking for a car. By the end of it, I was feeling the cold sweats and the stomach cramps of the flu. overcoming me. And by the time I got home, I was planning to avoid my family party and instead

just stay home. My parents had told me to rest a while and see how I was feeling closer to the time of the party. So I did. Family party. You know, a family party on, you know, what is that in town? Well, no, but like, was it somebody's birthday? No, it was just a family New Year's Eve party. Oh, New Year's Eve. I guess I missed that part. Oh, I thought it was a key party. Oh, New Year's Eve 2000. Yeah, exactly. I see. Well, Jeremy, we need you to come down. It's not even unless you come down. Jeremy, the orgy needs an eighth. Jeremy, have you seen society?

Shunting. Feeling a bit better. I went along to the party and just hung out in a spare room playing PlayStation for 45 minutes until my dad found me and said, we have to go. It turns out both of my parents had followed my lead and gotten sick too. Oh, wow. It was a mad dash home and

thankfully we all made it home without any incident and rang in the New Year's puked buckets by our beds. That's incredible. Here's to hoping that you chuckled at this. And if you watched it on YouTube, you could see that we did. Chuckled a whole bunch. Thanks for the laughs. Oh, my God. That's the best script for John Waters movie I ever read. I think I vomited in New Year's

2000 as well. Is that right? Yeah. I think I was... You were so scared about Y2K? No, I think it was in Montreal, which is where Americans of New York can go to get drunk underage. That's right. legally. Yes. And I remember the hotel fire alarm went off at like

three in the morning. And I didn't know what it was. Yeah. I was so wasted. Yeah. I was like, but I don't know how old I was. Young. Do you shit the bed? No, but I went out. I found this source of the the fire alarm and I put

like a pillow over and I was what is it happening? Let's say you rang in the millennium. Yeah. That's pretty awesome. The Numenium. Remember that Robbie Williams song, Millennium? Millennio. Wasn't it Robbie Williams? What did I call?

I think you said Robin Williams. Oh, no, I did not say Rob. I mean, I meant Robbie Williams. Well, that is WHM Mailbag for the month of February gang. Thank you so much for tuning in. Again, if you want your weird stories or questions answered on the air, right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Siddak, Chris Cabin. Eric Cisker Yeah, no, they saw you I hit the microphone They saw you, don't worry about it Take it easy Take it easy That was a hit gum podcast.