We Hate Movies - S9: WHM Mail Bag: Talking to Talent, Babysitting Horror Stories, and Misremembering Movie Details

Episode Date: July 12, 2019

On this WHM Mail Bag, the gang reads letters from people who bothered directors while driving them around, got asked to babysit a gaggle of Shrek-loving monsters, misremembered the stars of "Airheads," and one guy whose college roommate did, indeed, pleasure themselves to Shrek. If you want your wild stories read on the air, or if you have a question for the gang, write into the mail bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hey, gang, podcast. Check on to get your holiday, pali, la, la la la la la la. Hey, gang, big news in the world of we hate movies' live appearances in this one. Well, you better get your holiday code on because it's not happening until December. We're so excited. It's actually a hometown show for this jersey boy. Only you. Jersey City's beautiful White Eagle Hall will be hosting the We Hate Movies podcast,

and we're going to be talking about a Christmas movie. Eric Siska. What is that movie? Oh, my God. It is the Santa Claus, the original film. I don't know. Is it original? Yeah, it's original. The first one.

Tim Allen, yes. Finds a fat so false office roof. Yep. We're going to be talking all about it on December 7th, which is a day that will live in infamy at the White Eagle Hall. I mean, incidentally lives in infamy. We're just went to the side of it. We're adding to the infamy. It's more infamy because this will be our debut in Jersey City.

And this is what it's come down to, folks. Steve Sadek, refusing to get on planes. Refusing to get a driver's license to help out with rent a cars. I refuse to get on a train for this show. I'm fucking walking. I got to walk to the venue. So I guess this is the new normal gang only wherever Steve's legs can carry you. But it's an awesome venue and it's really close to the train.

if you're like, you're in the city or if you want to drive in from Pennsylvania, wherever. Right. The path train's not too far. Path train's a stone's throw away. A stones throw, folks. Come on out to the White Eagle Hall. That's right. Tickets are on sale now. So get them in advance. Get them fast. This is going to be a popular show. December 7th White Eagle Hall, Jersey City, New Jersey. Tickets available right now at WHMpodcast.com. It's Christmas time.

It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand All year. What's going on, everybody? Welcome to, what is it, the April? May. April. This is April. This says April.

The April. It is April. W.H.M. Mailbag. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside the whole gang. Steven Seda, Christopher Cabin, Eric Siska. We are here, as is the tradition on We Hate Movies Mailbag to read some letters. Yeah, you can't see just out of frame is just bags and bags and bags of letters.

We call them sacks. Sal sacks. We are like Santa Claus, which is why also, if you're in Boston. Right. What's fucking Santa Claus I have to do with Boston? Washington, D.C. You idiot? The first letter leads into the promo.

You know what? Are you fucking this up, dude? Yeah. Well, we also are like Santa Claus because actually the last, night, we watched him die, and now that's why we look like this. Oh, right. We're blowing out. And we're going to

be soon coming to every city. That's also correct. Pretty much. Right. So, Steve Sadek, you want to start us off with some letter reading? Getting fired from knowing. Okay, do the promo. No, no, yeah,

knowing is a movie that we're doing in Boston on April the 22nd and on April till 23rd. We're doing another movie in Washington, D.C., called Gone in 60 Seconds. Chris, what are we doing the next day? Well, the next day, we are going to Philly, and we are going to do National Treasure, which is awful. And now I feel bad, Eric, please take us home. And then we're doing

the Wicker Man in New York City at the beautiful Gramercy Theater. Historic, some may say. And some tickets are still available for all these shows. So go to WHModcast.com and click on that tour tab and come see us in the corporeal flesh corporeal form yeah there it is uh all right Steve Sadek start us off with some

some fan letter reading here again uh hi gang a huge fan of the show all the way from Melbourne Australia nice you gotta do the accent now for the whole letter oh that's offensive I already have a headache what they're always coming over here no I'm saying I would be offended

having to fucking listen oh okay because I'm just saying Australians you guys are always coming over to America and doing an American accent and getting into prestige dramas. Well, doing it way better than we would do an Australian accent. I don't know. I mean, if we did an Australian accent, we might

have like a sitcom over there in a week. Would I be considered sexy in Australia? Absolutely not. I'd be like the Chris Helmsworth of Australia. I think you would. You just say you're like an outback creature. No, Chris Hemsworth is the Chris Hemsworth of Australia. Well, no, but I would go back. And then it's the exchange program.

Someone has to come back. He's kind of like a sexy koala bear. I get it. Oh, that's actually true. All the fur. And the Hemsworths, they fucking left you guys behind. Exactly. We're willing to come and take the place. We will move to your continent and country. It's both.

And we will do entertainments. In honor of your recent show, your recent, your upcoming live show on the Nicholas Cage classic Knowing, I thought I'd let you know about my worst interaction with a celebrity in the world of film and TV. I worked on knowing as a production runner in early 2008. It was only my second job ever in the industry, and I was told when I started it would be a two-week trial, but that I'd more than likely stay on

for the duration of the production as a PA. Nice. Among my tasks in week one were driving around the actresses auditioning to play the female lead, all Australian. I guess some movies filmed in Australia? I didn't know that. I mean, that checks out. Yeah, yeah. Being sent to by

obscure varieties from the fruit of fruit for the office and oftentimes having said through through having said having oh wow wow and oftentimes having said fruit thrown theatrically into a bin in front of me for being not good enough that's pretty cool man that's what you get for you know working with actors not good enough this is trash this trash fruit This food is trash. It's trash, I tell you. Brian, this fruit is trash. This orange is wet.

A green banana, Brian. Is that Keanu doing the Matrix? Because I think that was shot in Australia. Oh, yeah, totally. I'm very particular about my bananas. This is a banana no-no. And monitoring our American producers, vintage China teapot and teacup.

which had to be perpetually full of piping hot tea, but you weren't allowed to be physically seen by her checking it. You just had to know. What a fucking asshole. Well, it's called knowing, ain't it? But just like, you want to know why, like, so many, like, things like this in this industry of bad raps. Yes.

I mean, for tons of way more horrible reasons. But, like, even fucking piss pot shithead things like that. Oh, my tea has to be hot at all times. Fuck you, lady. How about that? Fuck you hard. All pretty standard fare. What I was looking forward to was driving

the director around for a week in between meals, location scouting, etc. Yes, the director is Alex Proyas, by the way. Yes, the director was Alex Pryas. Got to read these things, guys. You know what, man? I'm busy doing all sorts of shit. I'm sorry.

I was and remained a huge film geek who loved the crow in Dark City at the time. Mr. Poreas seemed a tad grumpy when I first met him but on my previous job the cast the directors literally everybody had always been chatty as fuck so I was certain we would eventually come

to find some common ground with the guy over the course of three days I intermittently I intermittently tried talking to him about things like Dark City but got just grunts I mean so what's Rufus Sewell's eye like in person no no the bad one yeah you can't just you can't do this you can't just you can't try to make small talk

with someone like this because they're the move is oh you want you catch a game last night or something you don't what I mean like lean into like sports or a commonality thing they're like wow what was it like being a dark city because you don't know how they feel about those projects could be like uh I had a fucking horrible time making this or like the cut that was released wasn't mine

get more intimate I say so so how is it to hug william hurt he's a muscular hug or what is that key for something to smell like oh i bet he smells like kind of good but then also cigarettes oh that is nice i would like that as a perfume but steve is right you need to like build up to it you talk about the game maybe there's a song on the radio that can get a reaction from him sure you start small and then eventually you're at the bar talking dark city you know what i'm saying you gotta build up to it the next thing you know know you're talking about Dark City. Yeah. The radio is good also because, man, if a tune comes on that was used in one of the movies, there's your it. You can I use my improv skills really quick? Sure. Go for it. Now I'm driving a car, right?

Nice. Yeah. Nice. Man, that LeBron James is a good basketball player. Like the Kiefer Sutherland of basketball. Do anything for you? I only watch Spanish basketball. I'm Alex Broi. I had a job as a production assistant driver in Poughkeepsie, and I drove Tim Daly. I've talked about this before. Poughkeepsie, by the way, a town like an hour and a half north of New York City.

Yes, it's in New York, right on the Hudson River. And I was like, here's my end with this guy. Right. Put some music on. So what do you think is this? Right. You put on some wings? Well done.

I did not. But I forget what exactly what I'm. I don't know for silly love song. You know, this reminds me of my favorite Zittgo. I'll remember. Dude, no, no. Passing your front seat. Oh, what?

Come on, Tim Daly. That's uncomfortable. No, I'll tell you why. He gets in the car, sits down, immediately turns my music off. And I'll never forget, just reaching across the dials. Wow. But eventually, we did find that commonality because I learned boundaries. what was the commonality

his son was also doing cinema studies which we did oh okay I became like a son to him you know what the other thing though Tim Daley just ask if the music can be turned off you prick

hey man I got a hangover you want to adjust it exactly oh man I'm making this fucking low budget piece of shit movie can you please turn this all oh that it was and that he was hung over

I wasn't allegedly I wasn't remain a huge film I'm going to love the crow, dark city at the time. Mr. Pryas seemed to be a tad grub when I first met him by my first job of the cast. Oh, blah, blah, blah, sorry. Right. Over the course of the three days, intermittently tried talking about things like Dark City,

but got just grunts. Right. I asked about the music videos, Pryas made in the 80s, nothing. I mean, again, you're interviewing this guy. Right. How he liked living in America, Crickets. I even tried talking about...

Well, don't ask anyone how they like living in America. It's not good, man. I even tried talking about the pub scene in Australia, nothing as he'd made a low budget feature called Garage Days a few years before. No good. The movie Garage Days are just no response? Yeah, that's a great question.

In hindsight, I should have just given up. Agreed. But at this point, I was determined to get something anything from the man. Even though I realize now I was deeply fucking annoying, I realize now how deeply fucking annoying my attempts at conversation probably were. All right. At least we've learned lessons.

His most recent film at the time was I, robot desperately reaching. I tried talking to him about how great Alan Tudik's work on the movie was and how he really brought the Mocamp character Sunday to life. Like I said, I was reaching. And what great work he'd done on

Firefly. And finally, the Tudik praise was what got Price's attention. He turned to me and looked me dead in the eye for the first time in the week. And he said, oh, do you know Alan? Oh, man. Here it comes. No, of course. I'm

I'm just a big fan of his work. The guy stares at me. It seems like forever. And he goes, no. No, no, you don't. You don't know him.

Do you? Jesus, dude, that's a fucking douche, and that's the last thing he said to me for the entire week. That is a fucking douche chill.

You don't know Alan Tudick. You don't know Alan Tudick. You don't know fucking anybody, pal. You don't know Suzanne Summers. You don't know Ed O'Neill. Like all these mid-range with the whole

Alex Schittick. Yeah, well, it's not like he fucking said fucking Jimmy Stewart. Only gods like me, no Alan Tuddin. You know, the other day, I saw I saw a Neil Patrick Harris

from Olympus. It's like, who gives us? It's fucking Alan Tudick. We had that, uh, there was the email from that person who saw Alan Tudik in that bar the night before Thanksgiving. He ruined his whole Thanksgiving. That's right. He comes up a lot on mailbag episodes.

I guess so. That's weird. You don't know Katie Seagal, do you? Alan, if you are watching, please come on the show, correct the record a little bit. Or for the entire production, for that Friday, I was told I would now not be staying on during production. Having eventually seen knowing at the cinema, no less, I probably dodged a bullet. I eventually worked my way up to writing for several drama series on Australian TV. Write us in. We can do the accent. Dude, I'll be on neighbors.

I can be the sexy guy. I don't think you understand how this works. No, that's how that's... Well, no, because he has to seduce the other koala, but the female koala bears. And, you know, it could be a real... He could be in a suit. All right, kid, how do you feel about eating stalks of eucalyptus?

I can be a creepy peeping tom. Okay. Not that far fetch. And I could be, like, jerking off in the bushes going crikey. Eric, I see you as the zookeeper. Oh, like a chain? Yeah, yeah. This is getting a little too kinky for my taste.

I would love to star in a live action adaptation of the noozles. Remember that? What was the news? Oh, is this cartoon? I'm confusing it with the snorks, I think. No, wasn't that what CNN was before the nozzles? Now, back to the newsles. This is noozles.

It may have actually been a... May have actually been a Japanese cartoon, but it was set in Australia, sort of. and this girl was friends with these two alien koala bears and like something something alternate dimension

I like it I watched it a ton as a kid it's probably better with weed may become an animation damnation

absolutely what the Wuzzles I don't know what they were nevertheless the humiliation of being stared out by that fat asshole

will stay with me for my dying day so what do you have any of you have your own horror interactions or exchanges with the Alex

Priuses of the world keep up the amazing work nice thank you pa thank you pa thank you pa i already told mine a little yeah i just feel like you got like in these situations you just got to keep it cash cash cash never talk about the thing yeah yeah i mean i've come across a lot of folks like with my work and that's like the a number one like you just don't you don't fucking do it unless like it comes up um and the only times it ever came up was because i knew him a little better than most of the guests that came through was yeah i got to know Jonathan Demi pretty well and like so I got to talk to him about some of the stuff but even then

you sort of knew like he doesn't want to talk about certain movies and whatnot you know so like if there was a movie on you know like I got to talk to him about stop making sense which was cool yeah it was it was one of my like best memories but like you just you can't bring up the thing because again like I said you don't know how that person feels about the project so you can't just be like oh fucking Steven Spielberg man how do you get that fucking shark to work buddy and And don't bring up anything to Brian DePalma because he will not stop talking. I will not stop. If you're at like a working relationship like this and you're just starting out in the business,

like I, you know, I interned for Conan O'Brien. I was there for six months and I, you know, what did I say to him? Oh, here you go. And you're welcome and polite. Right. Keep a distance. That's what they want. Absolutely.

And then eventually they'll bring in a little bit, get a backslap in there. You know what I'm saying? I know. Conan O'Brien smacked your back? Yeah, he heard me talking about the Boston Red Sox, but so he thought I was from Boston because the guy next to me was from Boston. That's how you get it. That's he got on the writing staff, dude.

You should have done it. You started talking about Southie. Just start lying. Actually, great stand-of-comedian in Boston. Sean Sullivan. That's right. He actually opened for us once in Boston. He was the guy.

Plug. He's got a comedy album out called Song and Dance Man. You can pick it up on iTunes. I had a quick interaction. One of the nice celebrities I ever met was Mary Elizabeth Ellis. who plays uh she's on uh always sunny as as charlie day's love interest who is actually his wife what's her oh she plays the waitress the waitress yes the waitress yeah uh and i was working at uh interning at ucb their presence of brigant theater way back when years ago yeah during the their marathon there their summer marathon and she was just online and i was like you're a celebrity

you don't have to be and she was like super appreciative that i realized who she was and took her away from the plebs and got her right into the show. Oh, that's nice. It was really nice. That's great. And, you know, people out there could return the favor if they have heard us. Yeah, you see us, you see us waiting in line. You cast aside the peasants. Exactly. That's what I did. Don't look at her. Don't look at her.

She's on television. Biggest asshole was Edward Norton. That sounds right. He was the biggest asshole I've ever encountered. Really? And I was so let down. All right, Chris Cabin. Putting out the fires with Shrek. With Shrek O'Olein. Putting out files with Shrekoline.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. That was on the soundtrack for Shrek people. Well, he's going to use this in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Oh, right? Hey, gang, your Shrek 2 episode reminded me of a story that happened to me and always reminds me of the deep-seated reasons. why I hate Shrek so much. Nice.

Rather than the obvious that it is a piece of shit. When I was 15 in a sophomore in high school, I had a job as a bus boy in a small Greek restaurant in northeast Pennsylvania. My boss, the owner, was a pretty shitty business owner and basically an alcoholic that would get shit-faced at the bar every night and buy drinks for everyone in the bar. That sounds great. That sounds an awesome guy. I got to tell you, this guy sounds pretty cool.

Long-term business plans, A-OK. he's drinking himself to death but at least he's doing it the fun way he'll be out of business in two years but hey why not

it's not like he has family he definitely does that's how we sank the bar at the IFC Center that's a story for another day at least she would usually be drunk

when she paid me out and typically that meant she would pay me a bit extra but sometimes she would completely forget altogether I guess that's not great

not good anyway one New Year's Eve I was working and she offered me 100 bucks to babysit her four kids from roughly 6 p.m. to 7 a.m. the next morning. Wow, dude, an overnight. It's 100 bucks for in and out, 200 for an overnight. Girlfriend experiences. I'm talking about babysitting. You do need to chain those kids up. Yeah. Just like you

would a koala. 6 p.m. to 7am. Mrs. Smith, what are you doing? A dinner. It's just dinner don't you ask too much um i had a hundred percent no babysitting experience and said no she insisted and said that her 11 year old son would do the heavy lifting with the younger kids a five year old a two year old and a newborn absolutely not this is too many kids man this is i'm terrified just looking at this is why you have to show manchester by the sea in the school just so they know what can happen it can happen so easily but also from a dollar and send standpoint. So I'm babysitting four kids. That's like $5

an hour. And a newborn. That thing's shitting all over the place. Yeah, you got to charge double for that, dude. Yeah. Yeah. My 11-year-old, he's the main babysitter. You're assistant babysitter, really. Oh, man.

As you can imagine, this is pretty much child endangerment. Take the pretty much out. My parents insisted I do it because she was my boss asking me for a favor. This is a slippery slope. That's a poor lesson to tell your kids. Like, no, you don't do favors for your boss. Your boss.

Well, no, this is Scrapple Country, my family. I have to pull yourself up and please your boss and go to work. Always kiss the feet. For reference, I wrote the Faces of Death Mailbag letter a while back. So you can imagine my dad's huge lapse in judgment on matters. I can't. I don't recall. Counselor, I do not recall.

Yeah, I think I do recall that the father was renting movies with the kid and one of them was facing a dad. So this, you know, I'm sorry, you had bad parents. Congrats for getting on the mailbag twice, though. You tricked us. You tricked us. No, no. He didn't trick us. He's got great stories.

Exactly. He's got that Costanza life of like horror. A syskian life, I would say. Yeah, that's true. So I'm watching after these kids and it sucks, but it's got. on okay. Shrek just came out on DVD and it is the only thing keeping the younger kids

quiet. God bless. We sat through it once and I thought, wow, this movie is garbage. Well, once it was over, the younger kids started crying and getting rowdy. So we put it right back on. I was pretty pissed. We had to sit through it again, but at least it was killing time until the kids could go

to bed. After the second time, the five-year-old and the two-year-old went to bed, but the baby was still pretty nocturnal. Babies are nocturnal? Sure. Okay. And the movie was keeping him very calm.

So, once again, we played fucking Shrek. After about 20 minutes, the two other kids heard it and came back down. Now you're like spitting plates, basically. He spit on them. I really didn't know shit about babysitting. So I said, sure, just watch it. The 11-year-old was just kind of going with the flow. It was doing some of the heavy lifting with the kids, food, and general care.

Man, the 11-year-old was doing some of the heavy lifting, man. This is a bad scenario. And in between that, he sold newspapers at the corner. And then in between that, he went down to the theater and sold some crackerjack boxes. So I see you worked at a Greek restaurant. You were an assistant babysitter for one night. why should we give you this job at the Federal Reserve

because those kids weren't killed well because I'm racist come right in the fourth time we played Shrek is when I was losing my fucking mind I have a question here and maybe it is answered later in the email and again I didn't read these

so I apologize but were there any other DVDs in the house I mean that's the question if you have anything cartoony is there like a anything turn on the television television. What's how you know what we're doing? Like Shrek worked so perfectly once. We're going to just keep it going. We're going to keep it. I see if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If the dynamite's been pinched this long, why let it go? Sure. Fair enough, Chris Gabby. It's late into the night and early morning. These kids, these kids' mom is going to be pissed. They haven't slept. And this fucking movie is on again. This is so great. At this point, the 11-year-old decided it was time to start fucking with me. Better late than never. For seemingly no reason. at all, he started lighting matches and throwing them around the house.

Yes. Yes. This is why kids are terrible. Eric, your babysitter fucking wrecks into the mailbag? Man, if I was babysitting this kid, I'd give him some, you know, like a Tinder or, wait, not, that's it. Kindling. Yeah, that's the word, yeah. I'm old.

Hey, hey, uh, hey, you want Tinder. Yeah, I see which way is white. Hey, little kid, which way is white. Yeah, he sees it your area. So what you're going to do? Would you fuck her? Would you fuck him? No, I meant...

That's a super like. Oh, that's a super like. Super like. I meant kindling. Those exist, dude. Oh, do they really? I meant kindling, which would mean I would take out a electronic book. I chased him around putting out his tiny fires and just tried to get him under control.

His literal tiny fires. Yeah, totally. For whatever reason. and when he would stop, he would tell me he was going to go jerk off for a little and be back. This kid has ruled the roots. Keeping it real, man.

Wait, so this kid, like, knew what jerking off was? I guess. Or you probably heard it somewhere. He probably heard it. He probably heard it. He didn't know what it meant,

but he repeated it. I guess 11's young. Also, they're probably talking about jerking off and shrug. That's sixth grade. That's six grade. You know about jerking off. That's kind of the foundation of pound town.

I remember the hardest of my brother ever laughed was, was my brother and his friend who were just starting Easter break and I had some science project and it was like the night we we just got out of school and I was doing the science project and my brother's friend's like

the hell are you doing your project now for you? We don't have school for another week and a half and I was like well you know I figure I get it done now and I could just jerk off the whole break and what I meant was goof off but I didn't know what the difference was and I was like a little kid

I was like yeah I get this done now I could just jerk off the whole break it's gonna be great did it lay Is it okay? Was it okay? Did they allow it? Yeah, how did that joke play?

Oh, no. They were laughing because they realized that I didn't know what the hell I was talking. I think it's a great line. I get it done now. I can just jerk off the rest of the break. That's awesome. Did you? No, I did not.

Not for a few years. Did you goof off? Yeah, I probably goofed off. You'd be exhausted. He's goofing off right now. A little bit of a goofball. And then becomes a little bit of a jerk ball. Anytime away from this social.

shoe path was good. But I couldn't trust him. He wasn't doing something super dangerous. After a while, he just opened the door and started running away knowing I couldn't chase after him, leaving the small kids alone. Jesus Christ. So this, through this whole

fucking situation was a social worker's nightmare. So I guess it wouldn't have mattered too much anyway. After about 30 minutes, he came 30 minutes. I would have called the cops. Yeah, that's a, that's a long time. It's a very long time in missing kid years. And may I just remind

may I remind the court right now, no hundred dollars is worth it. No, of course not. No. This is, this is like a G or less, a G or more, basically. I mean yeah. That means a grant. The grand, yeah. That's right. What is that in

Australian money? Because we're going to move down there soon. We're going to be a bunch of hugs. We hate down under, dude. Crocodile Dundee movies. Yeah. Once it's financially viable, we will play a show in Australia. And maybe never leave if you write us into this fucking hit show you're

on or writing for? I would be on Neighbors. No, Neighbors is that like... It's a famous, like, long-running Australian soap opera. No, it's Australian. Where like, every Australian actor, like, worth their salt

these days, if you look back on their IMDB, it's like, yeah, I did Neighbers. A couple episodes of Neighbors. after about 30 minutes came back after lighting more fires in the backyard and of course in the backyard by the way

Shrek is on for a fifth time but all the little kids are sleeping to it so I just let it run at about 6 a.m. their parents came back and I called my parents to pick me up and I prayed I never had to babysit that little shit again and never watched Shrek eventually she lost the restaurant

big surprise. One more out for me and my friend. Whatever you do, don't charge them. How do you lose a restaurant? I mean, it just goes under. Lost the restaurant. It went out of business. You take it to a mall. You know where it is.

No, you're fucking idiot. You know where, you know, you have the adjokes. You have the address. Dad jokes. He pretend he no, no English. Dad jokes. You're seeing right through my veil. That's my whole act.

Pretending to be stupid. Some years later. It works to my advantage because I am kind of stupid. So if you play it up, you seem smart. It's not like method acting is what you're saying. A little bit. More like a documentary over there. The docu drama.

Yes. It's all close to you. Yes. Docu drama set in Australia. Some years later, that 11 year old got arrested for bringing a gun to school. Another shocker. Hell no. You might have thought I was going to say,

yes but I meant hell no. That's a hell no. Subverting expectations at every turn. I have two kids of my own now and I came home from work recently one day to find my wife had just rented a movie on iTunes for the kids to watch fucking Shrek. Nope, divorce her. It's the quick it's the quickest way. Your Honor, she showed the children. Shrek my wife, please. I asked her if she had ever seen it and she said no. Otherwise she would have known not to rent it. Thankfully I know I am a good parent because 3 to 40 minutes in both my 3 year old and 5 year old sons ask me if they can please stop watching it because they don't like it. That's awesome. Obviously we abide in. Shrek is never allowed in our house again. Thank you, Jets. Please keep doing what you are doing,

Simon and Cincinnati. We'll think about it. We'll see how goes. You know, might not. If we, you know, phone's not ringing. We stop doing stuff. So Australia, balls in your court. You haven't picked up a phone in five years. That's not true. A doctor called me to confirm an appointment. Oh. But this is my strategy for the entertainment industry, guys. He's begging and pleading.

How's it going? Bad. Long-term strategy, though, huh? I always got this alternative to lean back on called He Jerk to Shrek 2. Oh, Lord, here we go. Dear W.HM, I was listening to your Shrek 2 episode. morning I couldn't stop laughing at your observation that all the women in

trek to had massive boobs and Eric debating if anyone had jerked off to this movie the answers yes to answer that question we need to only travel back to the year 2005 I was a freshman in college RRA suggested that we keep our doors open if we wanted to be social and to close our doors when we wanted some private time oh never outright said jerk and off time but we were a floor of male freshman engineers. Geeksville. Tinker on your dick there, right?

That's what they do. Well, they try to take it apart and put it back together. Oh, come on. Dude, you got to do it at a certain time. So it was definitely implied that part of private time was jerking off.

I wonder if that's that like with roommates. Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, if this is a couple of fucking everyone's got their own room, this is Shangri-Ralah. For a freshman year at college, my God. I can't imagine that that's the case.

You had to really budget that time when you had to share a room. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, you like structure your class schedule around your roommates. I mean, what's your schedule? Exactly. Hey, man, that's a go, man. Cool party last night. What's your schedule this week?

You know, I sort of hit the jackpot with that. But jackpot. Literally because freshman year, I had two roommates and these motherfuckers like lived locally enough. They were gone every weekend. That's what you want. It was awesome. They were pieces.

Everybody's jerking on the weekend. Absolutely. They were pieces of shit as human beings. But God bless them. They left every weekend. It was awesome. Also, don't leave every weekend. You'll regret it later.

Exactly. You make some friends. That's how you make friends. Make friends, man. Stand campus and drink with a bunch of people in the woods. That's how we got to where we are today. So couple that with the fact that some of us were experiencing high-speed internet for the first time.

Oh, yeah. There were a lot of closed doors and a lot of people memorizing their roommate's schedule. Yeah. Sure there were no awkward run-ins. This is college. See, we know college.

We can write on your Australian college shows. Real player. Wasn't that's because I didn't know my my roommate schedule. Oh, yeah. Fuck you, cabin. What is this?

Andrew came to visit the college we all ended up going to my freshman year. Because you guys knew each other We all Friends from high school And then we are We met in college

Correct And my freshman year roommate Who I believe is a listener He is so And you know what though He will never Miss an opportunity To tell this story

So you're not talking And his name was What is this Chris What are you getting down? I hadn't gotten his schedule down yet Because this was pretty early on I still think In that year or was it not

It was pretty early it was like, well, actually, I don't know. Because you were visiting, you were visiting, and I was like, hey, why don't I show you what my, my dorm looks like? Right. And I unlock the door. Oh, no. And it is a moment you see the sheet even before, like, right as it's open a door,

cresting over a naked man's body as Britney Spears's toxic music video plays on the TV. Yep. Fully naked. Yeah. That's a John Mayer, your body's a Wonderland shit, dude. You can't be doing that. Fully. That fully nude.

Fully nude is only for times when Chris leaves the state. You know what I mean? Like when your roommate is gone, when your roommate goes home, you have the door firmly locked. Yep. Then maybe you can do some nude stuff. You've got to have a strategy. You know, you take your stuff out, but your pants are easily accessible to pull. Exactly.

Do the quick. Oh, huh. top is definitely top is totally on my nipples don't need anywhere near this this guy he did not have a plan man he really didn't and I was like this is college hey man that's cool

with me I think it was at that moment I decided to attend purchase amazingly he did because of that moment this is a podcast now right exactly and a video on our YouTube channel thanks a lot naked guy hats off

hats off pants off Shirts off. This guy was fully naked. Okay. Now, where? One day I was working. One day. I was working in my lab late one night.

Totally new. It was an odd sight. Jerking off Frankenstein. Dracula and his son. Holy fuck, dude. Jerking off Frankenstein. Yeah, but now Dracula and his son are involved? This is a DJ.

moment. Oh, my God. Ah, help him. Son of Dracula, help him. Help him. That's disgusting. It's gross. I'm glad they're all dead ghouls. You know, we were talking about like a father and son.

We're talking about monsters. Yeah, these are monsters. So it's fine. They're monsters. So it's less heinous because they're fictional monsters. Sure. That's right. We'll believe that. One day I was working on a project for class. Not a euphemism for jerking off, or is it? And heard a bunch of yelling coming from our communal bathroom.

Oh, I did read this email already. This is fucking awesome. Something slammed down and there was some more yelling. I rushed over to see what was going on to get the full scoop from another kid on the floor. Oh, yeah, here it comes. Page turn. You can only see these page turns on YouTube. That's a huge.

On page turning action. YouTube.com slash we had movies. They know they're here. well this will eventually be audio you're right i said correct to get the audio guys you're right and gals and others and whatever's someone had people okay i mean people oh monsters dracula and a son man want to get them on the page too listen chris someone had taken a laptop into the shower stalls to load up some jerk off material dude this gets great steve strapping it can't wait dude your roommate's schedule cannot wait why hadn't he done this in his room his roommate had his

family over and rather than wait for them to go out to dinner or something he'd had to just jerk off right now he set the laptop in one shower turned on the shower next to it to cover up to sound for anyone walking by and then planned to go to ogre town no unfortunately someone walked in and needed a real shower and ended up confronting him about the whole setup. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's the flawed

your perfect plan. Two showers. I mean, maybe you do the one shower on like a little low stream if you can make it and you're in it. Right.

But then you got the computer so it's a, it's a balancing act, but I think you're going to accomplish it. Here's the thing. Well, go ahead. No, I mean,

this is what we've lost with technology. Yes. Kids aren't using their imagination. You're goddamn right, Chris Cabman, because if you need a fucking video to fucking do,

it, man. There's a problem. You just close your eyes. It should be in your noodle. You've got to have something up there. You've got to have something up there. Taking a fucking laptop into a shower. That's true. Shower stuff, you should use your noodle. Fucking stupid babies.

I know. They're engineers. These are our leaders of tomorrow. Yeah, I fucking can't wait, dude. An engineer. Like, imagine a jet or something. Make like a Rube Goldberg machine to jerk yourself off with. Oh, they got those, dude.

Dude, they got those. I can't afford that. This would have been an incredibly embarrassing thing for anyone, especially because the roommate's family had by this point come out of the hall. Oh, God. Fuck you. And this is hilarious. Like, oh, this is my roommate, John.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, John, where are you going? Well, I got some studying to do it in the library. Just grab this laptop and you walk out. And then you're going to take this laptop with me. Turns out he was jerking off in the shower. Don't you want to wear more than a robe

going to the library? No, no. It's a liberal arts engineering school or something. Don't worry about it. But what made this cross into life-ending territory? Was that what he was watching? A 3D Shrek porn video. This is what I'm talking about everybody.

Of course. This is the plague that's destroying society. People fucking get hard as shit for Shrek. It's always on the sidebar. You just could never go to the sidebar. But the argument during the Shrek 2 episode was whether or not someone had pleasureed themselves to the actual film Shrek 2.

But how do you think these pornoes get made? People jerk to Shrek 2 so many times I need something a little harder. No, I think it's a thing where it's like I wish I could jerk off to this. What have I made one? Oh. I don't think it's the source material that's fucking the source material is there. The source material it not only inspires it, but then you get hard enough from the source material that you're definitely getting

at least a soft wanker in there. In defense of Eric, saying this, I definitely think back at home, he rubbed himself against the couch a little while Shrek 2 was playing. And then he goes to the major leagues. That counts. The major leagues, man. That counts to my hundreds of thousands of people have jerked off to Shrek 2 theory. I think you're probably right. A little couch hump. You don't have to complete either.

I think we can, we can, you don't need to pop off. But you definitely need to jerk a little bit. any motion it counts counselor yeah oh boy we are doomed as a society then if that's the truth rubbing or you know maybe other types you know ladies can pleasure themselves too what'd you do last night well i was watching trek too and i got horny so i just i don't know fucked my couch that's when you have a sex addiction you know what it's also like when you're a younger yeah you're figuring it all out and you know the couch is sure looking so freaking hot and you haven't gone to the hard stuff like Madagascar yet.

I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. He likes to move it. I still haven't seen that film because I'm afraid I'll be attracted to it. Yeah, dude, that fucking a giraffe, the David Swimmer giraffe.

Hey, look how tall my neck is. I'm like a giant David Schwimmer. I'm going to crush you. the Shrek porn video is still playing as this awkward conversation happened and we heard all the moans and squishing noises. Oh, well, dude, when you're fucking in a bog, what do you expect, man? Bog boy. It was from that old site, uh, style project. Yeah, he got me swinging, dude.

Oh, yeah, that old site style project. Yeah, yeah. And of course, we all ended up watching a part of the video later to further. laugh at this kid's humiliation. Oh, man. It was a really bad animated video with Fiona getting worked over by five guys in suits

of armor. I need to know if she was in Shrek form. Yeah, that's a great question. Probably was. I bet you. Yeah, then what's the point? Yeah, that's true. Then we're watching Night porn.

Yeah, then we're just watching Game of Thrones. I know this guy wasn't technically jerking off to Shrek 2, but he chose that movie of movies to determine his jerk-off material in this masturbation emergency. Excuse me! Excuse me! I've got

a masturbation emergency here! Get out of the way! No, son, this bathroom's only for masturbation emergencies. Got a raging hard on. The only thing I'll dispose of it would be a little bit of the Shrekky Shrek. Oh, so you guys are in finance. That's very interesting. I'm just going to take my

laptop here. And I just got to go out of the old food court. Get some reading done. Why are you sweating? Because I'm so hungry. Why do you need your headphones? Because I'm starving. Why do you have an erection that's clearly visible in your pants? So this kid ended up transferring to a different dorm. Of course. Smart move. He seems to have turned out okay in life from his Facebook page.

Yes, somehow we are still friends after this. It just had to be cut out from a society in general. Not in your world. Is there a documentary on this? deserves a second chance. And the third chance. Maybe a fourth. I don't know if he's still jerking off to Shrek,

but he seems to be doing okay otherwise and he's hopefully moved on from this event. Thanks for being an amazing podcast that keeps getting better and better with every episode. Wow. I didn't know that. All right.

All my best, John. Well, thank you, John. Oh, what a fucking letter, man. I remember a story of buddy of mine who's a dad has a full house. And he wanted to watch pornography, which is difficult when you got a full house. He did shower pornography, which I found fascinating, though.

He put his cell phone inside of a Ziploc bag. Wow, this is dedication to needing something to look like. And it's there. He puts out on the thing. But he actually wanted to bring the phone. But it sounds, it's like it's one of those like things. It's like one of the first. Life hack.

It's like one of the first like moon shoots. It's like, oh, we're almost there. We just need to figure out this one piece of technology. Right. A couple more calculations. Exactly. That's the thing is I do think it's a life hack because that happy, that is how one of the, I think one of the guys who said he was in 9-11, but wasn't from the league.

Oh, really? I think he does that. Oh, that's a smart idea. Yeah. That was the most accomplished way to do it. Steve Ramazzini. Yes. Yes.

Who also claimed to attend the college we did and he turned out to not. That's a weird thing. 9-11, I get lying about that. Sure. lying about attending a state arts college. I think he's lying about everything. So we can't believe him when he says he hasn't jerked off to Shrek 2

and I'm telling you that guy looks like a Shrek jerker. All right. So let's see. Remember when? Maybe a little nostalgia trip in this letter. Or honestly, this is the episode of Sopranos when James Gandalfini confronts

Polly and he says, you know, the two dumbest words in the English language are, remember when. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah. I think the dumbest is remember me, which is the title for the Robert Pattinson, 9-11. Oh, yeah. I think that might be an episode. That guy turned out to be a really great actor, but yeah. And that, if I recall, is that a secret 9-11 movie? It is a secret 9-11. It's like the twist is. Go to my dad's office. Yeah. Oh, wait. Is an airplane hitting me in the face? Turned out. All right. Remember when. Dear W.H.m. Tonight, for no reason in particular, I was re-watching the 1994 comedy airheads.

Yeah, that's the reason, buddy. Yeah, reason for the season. Some serious do-bidge. I didn't know we were time-traveling to an era of Comedy Central. With Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler, and Sibu Shemi as a loser musicians who take over a radio station and was shocked

to discover I'd been misremembering something about it for at least 15 years. Last week, I would have told you with 100% certainty that Christina Applegate plays Brendan Fraser's psychotic girlfriend Kayla. No. I remember the performance clearly and even some of the characters' lines, but I was wrong. It's actually

an actress named Amy Locaine who is exactly the same age as Christina Applegate. We're talking about a body double here, folks. This is a crisis actor that is imitating Christina Applegate. And who looked and sounded uncannily like her at the time. I was pretty disappointed.

It's not a great movie by any means, but is packed with 90s celebrities, so why not Christina Applegate? because she was in an underground bunker at the time Info war You guys seem to have an almost supernatural knowledge of movies But I'd be interested to know The last time each of you misremembered something like that

About one Especially if you then stubbornly defended your position To someone else until you were proven wrong Thanks for the laughs Ozzy from Minneapolis Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars I uh not me my brother swore to me

that he was like oh Thomas Jane is the new Punisher oh that's cool that guy was in that movie that guy it's weird that Vigo Carpathian

finally got his shot and I'm like wait what he's like yeah Vigo Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 is Thomas Jane yeah he thought it was Thomas Jane I was like

what are you talking about no way and like he was like really serious about it but I was like dude that guy would be in his like mid-60s like that movie came out in 1989 Thomas Jane was like

14. Yeah. Wow. That's a total flow. I mean, I guess sort of like the facial structure sort of maybe, if you think about it. I'm thinking about it. I would like to see Vigo the Carpathian in HBO's hung. That dude's dead. It's a river of dicks. Well, he doesn't think is he can't get it up. And then like the woman's like, well, next time. Yes, next time. Time is but a door. Death a window. I'll be back.

Back, here I sit on a throne of boners. This never happened to me, but it did happen to my dad. You know the movie Copeland? Yeah, sure. And there's a very, it's a trailer line where Robert De Niro says, You had a chance and you blew it! Great line. My dad, I was bringing it up at some point.

This was like maybe five years ago, and he's like, oh yeah. And then he goes, and he's like, and you blew it. And I'm like, no, it's like a big denier. And he's like, no, Al Pacino's doing the whole thing. I was like, no, no. You know, I'm not the best at remembering actors or faces or people I know. But, you know, like on the show, you guys will, like, say an actor's name and I'll just be like, yeah, that's right. Sometimes, sometimes, you know, you guys know all the character actors.

I know them too. Yeah. But I understand the predicament Ozzie has faced because it's a fucking moving image. The thing that's a bummer is I wish that I knew that this email was coming because I'm sure there's one, you know? And I just, I cannot think of one right now. But like, that's definitely happened. I mean, obviously like the biggest fucking thing is the whole Sinbad was in a fucking genie movie thing. yeah but that's racist yeah i just remember i actually just remembered a genuine one um i i forget

what movie it was but i watched a movie with powers booth and like i sincerely thought it was like lee marvin for like half a day which is like it's totally wrong because also like the time oh totally right but but they got the same bulb as head don't they yeah they do they look kind of similar i'd be i'd give it to me i did a good were you rewatching southern comfort again it might have been oh shit It might have been. Were you watching Sid and City?

Wow, what's Lee Warvin doing? All right, Steve Sadek, take us home with his last one. You know, Frank Miller, you got a lot of good ideas. Thank you for reanimating my corpse. It's been quite bloated, as you've seen. The world's most sensitive

Transformers fan, also known as all of them. That's my addition. Dear W.HM, hey guys love the podcast one of my favorites and I've been listening for around three years. Yeah, where were you for the other seven bud? Yikes, dude. Well actually

you're right, you're right, six, six. That's the yikes. Excuse any grammar mistakes. I'll do that on a grammar mistake basis. We'll see. I'm not going to just blindly assume any are okay. It depends upon how bad they are. I also want to stress I was joking there. Actually, the newest fans are my

favorite. So if you just found this show like a month ago, you are eight. Eric just needs to cover his bases. And the old ones are old snooze. No, they're elder statesman and I tip my hat to you, sir. So I've been listening to the past episodes at work and Transformers

being one of them. I was laughing a lot of this episode and one guy I worked with was like, the fuck are you laughing at so much? Hey, the fuck you laughing at so much. I work at work, man. Hey, chuckles. This is a mortuary.

Smack that. smile right off your face. Was it that cat poster? You laughed that hard at a cat poster. I work at you hang in there, baby. Well, I work at the Holocaust Museum. He's just like,

yeah, that's not a place for laughter. No, it's not. I've been there. It's harrowing. What the fuck you laugh at us? I go on and tell him about the podcast and you guys talking about the Transformers and he went red-faced and irate

shouting, how fucking dare they? These films are amazing. Anyone talking shit about those films need a good beating fucking lazy assholes, shitting around doing podcasts? All right, why don't you come here and beat my bottom on this video

that we're doing for YouTube right now? I can almost guarantee anyone can beat me up. I literally find anybody they can beat me up. Could they beat your bottom? For YouTube? Dude, we need the clicks. Dude, I just love the notion of someone made fun of a thing I liked. And now it's time for a beat down. You know, that'd be, you know, up till 17, maybe.

Yeah. When you're riding high on that testosterone and you're getting fuzzy in places you weren't before, maybe. And you're, you're also giving this guy quite a lot. This is the 11 year old boy from the other letter. So you should have known. Have some empathy, Andrew. Sorry. And I was like, wow, man, calm down. It's only a film. And he said, no. No, it's not. It reminds. reminds me of my childhood. It was my favorite cartoon. And this is where if that stuff's like that

important to you and like being reminded of your child that it's a sacred and whatever, you got to end it all, man. I mean, what are you fucking hanging on to that someone can't criticize us to? Dude, I'm wearing a fucking shirt right now of a fucking robot turning into a car and vice versa.

Shut the fuck up. The guy just sits down, starts crying and the curb your enthusiasm thing. it's just so obnoxious my childhood this and my childhood that shut the fuck up your childhood wasn't special no no one's was millions of people lived before you and die yeah without transformers we all watch the same piece of shit cartoons fuck you and it also has nothing to do with the movie like it looks like your childhood sort of kind of actually it doesn't at all because the character design is dog shit and it's a bunch of gray nothing

But that's, that's got nothing to do with your childhood, buddy. Everything you grow up with is trash. I mean, or it's, it's not sacred. Like, most of our listeners are a little younger than us, and they've grown up with something like Shrek. We don't like Shrek. It doesn't mean you can. You can.

It doesn't mean you're wrong. It doesn't mean we're right. That's literally what opinion means. All culture and art is inherently garbage. Yeah. Because it's from human trash people. In some way. I mean, some of it's all right.

Look, I just talked about, like, in the noozles about 15 minutes ago, man. Would you fucking get bent out of shape if I said the nozzles suck? No, it's a piece of shit cartoon from the 80s. And you know that going in. These fucking people. And they're all boys, by the way. Of course, they're all dudes. This guy went on all day, slamming things around.

All day, slamming things. And moaning when I was laughing, my supervisor came to tell me towards the end of the day and asked what I, had done to upset this guy. And I went on and sell him and he burst out laughing. Yeah, he did. I couldn't believe that someone had taken offense to not like the Transformers movies. I thought you'd enjoy this. You up to good work.

Thanks so much for reading my email, Mark. That's awesome. Thank you, Mark. And wow, that is pretty insane. I mean, that's the thing. It's like, even if you did love those Transformers cartoons from the 80s, are those movies really that similar? If you're such a huge fucking fan of this

cartoon shithead. Why aren't you fucking pissed off at these movies? Yes, exactly. They're failing you. They're failing you. Like we say on the show, it's okay to like a movie, and it's totally fine that you like Transformers, but like the fact that like you're now disrupting other people

because of your life for Transformers, that's what makes it a problem. Can I, Eric, can I take this a little step further here? So it's okay to like a movie. That's in one box. Yes. And then occasionally movies are pornography.

Right. and then down here now we've got Fiona getting railed by five nights in a bog is it okay to like that movie I don't think if I could weigh in oh please please I don't think it's it's one to one as far as like

I like this movie then I should also like it's pornographic transformation I love Batman I'm not watching a Batman porn But the Shrek porn reminds me of my childhood. Not even to slam shit around all day. Steve, I'm actually going to say it is okay

if you like Shrek pornography. Okay. But you don't get in my face about it. Okay. Don't take it to the fucking public shower. Yeah, that's true. That's my rule on all pornography. Sure.

So long as no one's getting hurt, just close the door and live your life. You want to jerk off to balloons getting popped. I'm not going to. stop you. Just close the door and don't tell me about it. Hey, balloon popper over there. What do you think about this? I like balloon popping.

I find it arousing. Well, then you hit the jackpot. Yeah, I love it. It's fantastic. That's what are you doing? That's popping a balloon. No, that's jerking you, girkin, my friend. We're jerking. Jerking my girkin. Okay.

Well, on that note, I think it's time to close out the evening because I don't know where you can go from there. I made an obscene gesture. and now this is flagged on YouTube and being taken down. Probably, dude. Man. Well, people are probably trading child pornography in the comments anyway, whatever the fuck goes on on YouTube.

Yeah, man, this fucking website's got some problems. You hear us down there? Okay, coming up next, we're going to, not us, but someone else is going to talk about how Nazis were good. That is W.H.M. Mailbag for the month of April. If you want your stories right on the air,

or if you have some questions for us, Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siskin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.