We Hate Movies - Unlock the Vault: Episode 377 - Ready Player One

Episode Date: September 1, 2020

This week on the program, the gang is playing in the sand at Quarantine Beach so they're unlocking the vault to bring Episode 377, Ready Player One to the public! Why is an entire society obsessed with this weird, old man's life? Why didn't this dumb kid use the hover conversion more to his advantage? And could a film dump on The Shining any worse than this dumb sequence? PLUS: Steve reads some... "poetry"! To access more full-length episodes like this, along with hours and hours of exclusive bonus content unavailable anywhere else, check out our Patreon and sign up today! Ready Player One stars Tye Sheridan, Olivia Cooke, Ben Mendelsohn, Lena Waithe, Simon Pegg, and Mark Rylance; directed by Steven Spielberg. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. So it's like a rare occasion around the WHM offices gang when we are just kind of closed for business for a while. So we're just going to do a quick little intro here, unlocking the Patreon vault as it was and releasing into the public, into the world here at large, ready player one. And an epic debasement. releasing it into the wild. Now, there should have been a Christopher McCannel's bus in this movie. I would love if this movie just died in a bus. If this movie should die of exposure.

Yeah, this is back when we were doing. We hate movies on the Patreon feed as opposed to we love movies, which we're doing now. We just, we needed a week off, and we just needed to give you something that's really great. And this shows you the level of quality and commitment of episodes on that Patreon page. I think this is a great episode. And there are many like it that you haven't heard. This is like two years old and you missed out on it. Classic bits that people have been talking about behind your back.

Exactly. Now, by the way, it was right next to this. I think it was the month after we released this, whatever year it was. We did Forrest Gump. You want to listen to Forrest Gump, folks. Dude, we fucking take that Boobber movie to task and it's a lot of fun. I love it, man. Yeah, we're not unlocking that one because if we,

did it would be world war boomer this is I mean this is the other side of the of the boomer divide this is definitely not a boomer no but this is a fucking 70 year old stephen Spielberg going hello fellow kids and if you sign up for that patreon this month right now that we're doing we love movies again and we'll let you know now we're going to be doing spike lee's inside man with denzil washington which fucking rules absolutely yeah and to give you a little tease even more of that month, man. More Denzel content floating around me. I'm so excited to talk about Inside Man. I have a fucking great story that I've told on the air, I think before, but it's been a while. Spike Lee, one of the greatest fucking responses to a question I've ever heard

in my life. Happened during a question related to Inside Man. Fucking great. Fucking great. But right now, this is Ready Player 1. This is Steven Spielberg pretending to know what video games are. And Mark Rylans, pretending to know what Bill is. dead are oh my god totally tubular awesome 80s now it's all coming back to me i don't go back to these things sometimes and like you know you'll see a random quote from somebody on twitter or somebody will make a reference and i'm like politely nodding like yes of course i remember but now you just remind me of that steve oh totally cool awesome 80s uh so that is it enjoy this unlocking the vault and we will be back just next week you don't even have to wait

that long for us next week w hm season 11 premieres, which is, it's bad shit crazy. It's bad shit crazy. It's the season premiere. And we're coming back with Toy Soldiers. What a my, stay tuned from long ago. Right. That's going to be next week's episode. So there we go. So die

hard in high school is happening next week on the season premiere of We Hate Movies. So until then, we're going to kick back with some Mai Ties here, put our feet up at the quarantine beach and hope that you enjoy this unlocked, vaulted edition of We Hate Movies. Ready Player 1. Enjoy.

Joy. On this month's W.HM, Patron's only full-length episode, I already have a headache. It's Ready Player 1. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sannack. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Bazinga. What? What? Ew. Ew. Oh, my God. What is that? I'm just, I'm like, I'm like sucking the vomit back into my throat now. Bazinga. Hello, everyone welcome to we hate movies thank you for tuning in as always and thank you for being a blessed and beloved patreon subscriber this month's bonus show uh like i said up top it's ready player one from this year of our lord 2018 directed by sir stephen spielberg that is right the 10 year rule does not apply to patreon episodes and that's why you're here that's right

and it couldn't this couldn't have come out any other year this is 2018 in a fucking box Yep. And as always, this is loosely tied into something we're doing on the main feed. Stephen, why don't you explain that for the folks at home? Yeah, we're going to be doing the Flintstones, which is both, which is produced by Stephen Spielrock, which actually was what Stephen Spielberg was going by in the 90s. Wait, what? Wait a minute. Stephen Spielberg and Stephen Spielrock are the same person. You're telling me the famous pornography producer, Stephen Spielrock, wasn't in... That's Steven Spiel rock hard.

And because I thought he just went over for one. 22% chance that this gets repeated somehow in the Flintstones episode. And I'm okay with it. I am okay with it. Which you may or may not have already listened to. Sure. Yeah. At this point, I think it might already be out.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but don't. You know, where is he, by the way? John Goodman? Or Fred Flintstone in general? Both.

They should both be in Ready Player 1. Like Fred Flintstone, Avatar dude. and then like a... John Goodman just as like Dan Conner. Wow, that's the character to repeat. I mean, like, you... It makes a little more sense that we might be talking about 10 Clover Field Lane

than we would about, I don't know, like a Buccaroo Bonsai. Like, and I love Buccaroo Bons. It's fine. It's fine. Well, it's all right. Yeah. This is 2045, right? This is where it's taking place.

And in all the pop culture, we're all obsessed with the 19. 1980s, which at that point is like 65 years ago. Yeah. Could you imagine going into an online environment right now where we're obsessed with shit from 65 years ago? Like if all of a sudden we're just like fucking going to ape shit for like Popeye. Howdy Doody or the Flintstones or like big band music?

What the fuck are we even talking about? The 80s are not going to go on forever. This is why this doesn't make any fucking sense. and it's the movie but it's also the book because the whole thing is predicated first on like you have to be so obsessed with this fucking weirdo that like designed all this stuff

because he loved it because he's of that time but like these kids that are born in like 2022 or whatever you got to be obsessed with this fucking guy so much that then you love the shit that he loved Minecraft is still a huge It gets it to the whole planet? Yes, you know that classic 1980s thing, Minecraft? Well, that's the weird part.

The finger thing means the money. Well, and that's the argument that people make, right? It's like, yeah, there's a ton of 80s stuff and that was like his shit, that was Halliday's shit. But then, like, people can add whatever they want kind of a thing. But again, I'm like, really? 2045 Minecraft? We're still fucking fart around with Minecraft.

This is like the future when wild stallions take over the planet or something. Dude, I wish. God gave Rock. and roll to you. I will say, speaking of Bill and Ted, I'll say it now. There's something so undignified about Mark Rylance, A, in this performance. Yes. I think Marlon is the 70-year-old boy.

And the 70-year-old boy, but that he has to be like, oh, cool, Bill and Ted. And I'm like, oh, man, Mark Rylance fucking skipped Bill and Ted. I can tell you that. Stephen, Stephen, who are these Bill and Ted? That's my thing, right? How much of this had to be explained to proper professional actor, Mike, Mark, Rylance, right? Like, who is any of this?

Well, Stephen actually helped me out. He set me up on a dinner, a lunch with Will Wheaton, and I left five minutes in. I was like, no thank you. Gillian Murphy, there's no escaping this. We have to go back to the theater to watch Bill Intentz. Buckaroo bonsai. No, I didn't watch any Hannah Barbera. And that's the thing, right?

It's like the Buccaroo Banzai reference specifically. There are things. that I'm sure will continue on, right? Like, I can maybe understand, like, you're back to the future, you're King Kong. For sure. The thing that,

the two major things that are noticeably absent here are the stars, trek and wars, of course. Very slight nods to both. But, like, not... The Star Wars is mentioned in dialogue. But, like, we're not seeing... I didn't see anything.

There's rumors. Isn't there's rumors? But I even see... There's a rumor that Boba Fett's in the dance club scene. And doesn't that last fucking, like... Eight second, not even. The big castle at the end, doesn't that look exactly like Vader's fucking castle? I think it's supposed to be the Lord of the Rings, Mordor-y deal.

I don't know. To Chris's credit, Vader's castle is very much like Mordor as well. I'm just saying that certain things will pass through and have a longer life than others. It's a motherfuckering buccaroo Banzi, I ain't one of them, Jack. So do you think if, assuming Boba Fett's in that dance club scene, clearly like Disney was like a no-go for this. You know, Marvel's not in this. Star Wars is barely in it.

That's another great point. Yeah, Marvel's not. You got Batman in D.C. That was the one you got. But do you think that they were like Spielberg called in a favor? Like he had to go to Lucas. Look, man, just talk to Disney. And he's like, well, you know, guys, I did kind of make you like $5 billion last year.

Do you think Stephen can borrow the kind of? costume? You think he can get it for one shot? Oh, okay. Yeah, he has to wear it. Okay, yeah, that's fine. Got to keep quality control. He'll wear it the whole time. Oh, I'm getting booted out of the office. Oh, geez, this stinks. I mean, Shabalba is available. You're not using him. Did I actually, now that I think about this, did I catch a Wato sighting? No. That must have been a fucking obese gonzow. That must have been just like, you know, like an assistant director off screen that just wandered into a show. That's the trap. That's the trap of this fucking movie. You get fucking sucked into, like, did I see a battle toads there? Dude, I thought I saw it.

It was totally a battle toads. Dude, and here is the weird thing about these 2018 battle toads, man, way sexier looking than any battle toad ever deserved to look. They, Michael Bade, Teenage Mutant Ninja turtled them. They turned them into photorealistic fucking battle toads. They definitely did, dude. That's disgusting. So this movie is about...

It's a commercial for a thousand other movies. To the point that, like, When the crawl glave shows up, I went on my phone and I ordered crawl on Blu-ray. Everyone has their tipping points. I'll raise my hand when it comes up. So it's 2045. The future is somewhat bad. We're not sure why or how or anything.

And we're just using a system called the Oasis, which is an immersive VR experience where everyone's an avatar. And you can have fun and all your favorite properties. Yes. And Mark Rylans is the guy that created all the Willy Wonka type, if you will. Right. The Steve Jobs. Yes. The capitalist fantasy.

Willie Walker's missing from this, speaking of. Well, apparently, it's not easy enough. At least Spielberg wanted to have Gene Wilder do it be the Mark Rylent's role, but he was just kind of too far gone at that point. Oh, that would have been kind of cool,

actually. Yeah, yeah. I would appreciate you know who else he could have cast Dana Carvey and just kind of have him play Garth? Because that's kind of what this Halliday performance is It's like a It's a more timid Garth Algar

Man I just I can't stand this character I'm not a big fan With the Halliday character Yeah because he's like He's cutesy Hello Stephen

I heard you're doing a new movie Where everyone's back Do you need a Sala by any chance Or a dwarf Oh is this He's a sister Yes hello Jerry Hi

and now they've hung up I'll even do so the slider's character I won't appear in there if Aladdin is in it oh fuck yeah that's why you don't get called back John it's Jerry again yeah John we love you

it's the Muslim stuff it's always the Muslim stuff listen bud it's the Islamophobia it's gonna get you every time unless you want to fucking open for Toby Keith oh oh you have a new opinion about them great Yeah, I want to hear it. Oh, my God. So we start, we meet our character. What's his kid's name? Wade.

Wade Wilson? Wade, yeah, Wade Watts. Wade Watts. And he has to do the thing where he's like, yeah, I kind of sound like a superhero, but fart. But I'm just your average kid. I hate this guy. How old is he supposed to be? That's my question.

He's a kid, but he's like not. It's like a maybe solid, like early 20s. situation. I just don't get, like, explain to me what this world is. Like, what is so bad about the world? Like, right now, yeah, there's trailer parks on top of trailer parks. That's pretty bad. It's because everyone's, like, using this fucking video game, I guess is the reason. But where is... What's the president? What's... I mean, I don't need to know the president. No, but, like, we don't go outside of, what is this, fucking Cleveland? Columbus. Columbus, Ohio, right? We know they have, like, these trailer parks called the Stacks. Yeah. But then, like, there's a downtown, which seems kind of nice. Very nice. Very clean. Like, at the end of the movie. But there's no explanation of, like, the social structure at all.

And, like, there's Japanese people in it. And I'm like, well, what's Japan even? Like, you know what I mean? Like, what's anything outside of what the absolute purview of this movie is? I think just due to, like, where the technology is at, Japan is like, like, L.A. Blade Runner. Oh. You know what I mean?

Like, that's the reaches, like, Tokyo's at right now. Gotcha. Well, there is a really bad Japanese joke at the beginning because he's going through the whole structure and like every time you die, you lose all your coin and you have to start all over. And we get a bad like Japanese suicide joke and I'm like, not today, my friend. Not today's Satan. And that's like they're trying to explain like how everybody's sort of hooked on the credits and whatever. And the most interesting part of the movie to me is the part where what's this woman from me and Earl, the dying girl? Olivia Cook.

Yeah. So her character is explaining how her father they have these like loyalty camps basically where you like work yourself to death paying off debt and whatever. This should have been better to find as well. But like the dark side of this shit is the stuff that's really fascinating to me

like yeah you're stuck in a box and you have to basically work like getting other people XP points and whatever the fuck for the rest of your, it's like internet slavery kind of that stuff's really fascinating to me it's like so just it's like a quiet fart in this

movie. I mean, I mean, I agree. Here's the problem with that, the suicide. Yeah. There would be suicides nonstop. Yeah. All the time. It would be happening everywhere. Way more suicides. You're totally right. In game or IRL. I'm sure there's plenty of them in the Oasis. So in the loyalty centers, you play the game for forever. Yeah. Yeah, you work on like constructing things and like moving jail. I was in Althamonline once. did some hard time in Altma Online. Game Masters put old... Put old Cisca behind bars there in that game. What were you doing, talking to little kids?

Well, yes, in general, because that's what video gaming is. Seriously, like, I can't even play, like, those multiplayer games anymore. You go on there and you just hear, like, a five-year-old cussing. Well, that's the thing that isn't happening enough in this movie. Like, when he's walking around, getting ready for this big race, there should be, like, 50 F-bombs from people. Just racial slurs. The racial slurs. There is one time I have experience with listening to other people in online gaming.

It was like PS2 era and my brother had a call of something around her. And he was like, hey, this is like the online thing. And I'd never done it. And I put it on. And there was some high pitch voice using the N-word. And that was the end of it. I took the headset off and I was like, I'm just going to play. See, it's just like the bear tape from Grizzly Man.

You never want to hear it. You just never want to hear it. I want to know what that is. You should destroy your Xbox. Welcome to Herzog World here in the Oasis. I would go to there. That would be cool. Fucking move in a boat over a mountain.

Yes, dude. And then all of a sudden, when you get to the other side, you just smack dab in the middle of Antarctica. To quickly finish the ultimate line thing, it's just... What are you talking about? I don't know what this is.

It's like World of World Warcraft Light kind of thing. Right. And this was back like late 90s, early 2000s. And this is why it was better than gaming online today is because it was all, You know, it was text-based communication. Sure.

You couldn't hear like an 11-year-old screaming at you, which was great. But the jail situation was just a room that I couldn't do anything in. For how long? How much hard time did you do? It's just like a time. I forget it's a few days or something. Like you just can't log back in or whatever, even though you pay for it. Why did you get put in this thing?

I forget which one it was. It was like a rule. You break the rules kind of thing. There was, to up your XP points for fighting, a lot of time, people would program a macro keystroke where my computer would automatically train me fighting a dummy in order to up my points without me actually having to do that shit. I'd go ride a bike and come back in a while. Then sometimes like a fucking game master will be there. But one time I went into the game master, I had a good pickpocket character.

I've become untethered from reality listening to this. The pick-pocket character in this fantasy realm was named Merlin Manson. Clever, clever. I know, it sucks so much. Please go on me. It sucks so much. And then I stole this Game Master's, like, green lantern out of his bag. And they froze me.

And that's what got you in jail? You shouldn't be fucking around green lanterns at all is what I said. Oh, wow. Yeah. I just put that together now fucking like 15 years later. Can I just say, I, listening to this. story. I rapidly went from one GIF mindset to another. The first GIF was Michael Jackson and Thriller eating the popcorn as Eric was telling the story. And then when he got to the end of

the story, I was the Michael Sarah as George Michael falling over on his... That explains gaming perfectly. Yes. So yeah, but what happened is this guy died. He had a Star Trek funeral, which is fun. Buried in the fucking Mach 6 torpedo pod, by the way. Which is pretty He was drinking zucchini smoothies too And he Halliday is like Look I will give Whoever finds this Easter egg

That I put in the game He explains for everybody What an Easter egg is And you will get Half of a trillion dollars If you solve these Three riddles that I've hidden in this game And the only people

That really And he's like And this is what's his face Ty Sheridan and narrating He's like Yeah people were really excited about it For a while But then most people

fell off of a half a trillion dollars. I don't know, man. I think that speaks to the culture on the whole, which is like, eh, it's got to be fucking fake. Let's go back to, you know, jerking off in the online viper room. Can we talk about that for a second? Where are the jerk off palaces? Where is the Holoadad festival?

Half a line of dialogue and you miss it. The motel outside the casino planet. Yeah. It's like, oh, they do stuff in there because sex doesn't exist, okay? I'm like, no, that looked like 2001 or something, or something was triggering in my mind. It looks, it looks, I think it's supposed to. It's a roulette wheel, but it looks like the space station from 2001. My question is, if you are like, if I'm the captain of the enterprise, right, if I'm like, oh, cool, I got the new enterprise game that I'm, you know what I mean?

Like, in this world. It seems like you're pretty well off. Is it just mine or like can Eric come in and do whatever? I think it's just yours because they mentioned or synchronic later on in the film. Who? Ben Mendelsso, that's his Rogue One name. Gotcha. Because we're talking in pop culture, guys. I see.

He mentions the Millennian Falcon, and he's like, oh, wow, you have that? So I think it's kind of a rare thing. But if you buy, like, the expansion pack, my question is, like, you know, like, if I'm like, hey, Mr. Data, let's go on an adventure, is somebody else like philating him? You know what I mean? Like, that just wants to do it. But, hey, man, I'm trying to have a wholesome time here. And he's like, you're a for a mark. Well, that goes into my question, too.

it's kind of the same question I guess because what I was thinking about last night was like your avatar can be anybody you can like make your own thing or you can look like a known figure kind of a thing so my question was like there's a part at the beginning of the movie where you see like Fred Kruger get blasted

RIP is there just one like can only one person pick Freddie Kruger and then he's off the table for everybody else? Obviously not obviously that can't be true but we never see doubles in the movie at all because it's a stupid fucking movie. Yeah, that's true. It doesn't know any, it doesn't think about any of this shit. It's a video

game, so it stands to reason. Video game rules apply. You'd be Fred Kruger with a different color hat. Right. Yeah, exactly. Like the stripes are different colors too. And it also, and Freddie Kruger rules are he can come back so long as you remember him, Andrew. Oh. I can go back if they remember. A little bit of the, the history they give. One thing that really just stuck out the bandwit wars and the corn syrup shortages. Yeah. I need my Mountain Dew! I need it.

Dude, come on, Kevin. Do you honestly think that it's that far off? Like, imagine there was some sort of corn syrup situation and you were like, hey, everybody, bad news. We cannot as a society make soda in the way that you know it. There would be people freaking the fuck out. That might be a good thing, actually. We should try to get that going.

We should actually we should orchestrate a shortage of corn syrup. Yeah, because it's not going to be climate change or any thing. It's going to be the fucking corn syrup. We don't talk about climate change. We're talking about the important stuff, Chris. I'm sorry. My soda pops.

We're not talking about your fucking Chinese hoaxes, Gabon. I apologize. Yeah, we're talking about bandwidth. This is why we have to kill the Chinese now to take their bandwidth. Well, that's the other thing. The bandwidth wars, dude, that's, just the fucking end of net neutrality I was just a lot of people torrenting

at the same time like come on guys oh probably that's what happens if we let the pirate bait if dude if kim dot com gets out of jail that's what's going to happen then the bandwidth wars start I think he might be out I don't know oh is he out I don't know I think it's presidential pardon

for kim dot cam so yeah so the beginning the first movement is it's this race and this is the one because it's been going on for five years that no one could beat this race it's so difficult. Absolutely. And it's every,

he's in a fucking, his character is in a, in a Marty McFlya, a DeLorean. Because he's a basic bitch. There we go. Come on. Can I tell you,

what is supremely basic bitch about this? And I couldn't even fucking believe it. This idiot. What an undesirable little turd this guy is, man. Giles Teller. This kid is just like,

it's one gene away from Miles Teller. It's one gene too close from my taste. First of all, Well, one thing, because we're going to get away from it, but it was one of the biggest offenses. I got tricked into getting excited about the first few minutes of this movie because they started with my favorite Van Halen song.

Oh, man. You could keep it. And I was like, here we go, man. Might as well jump off a fucking bridge. Out the window. But he's driving this Delorean around. This is the basic bitch thing. And I'm like, he's driving this fucking thing.

I would like to imagine it's like end of the first movie and beyond DeLorean, which is to say there's the hover conversion. Sure, man. It has the hover conversion, which he just uses to slide under a truck, and then it goes back to driving. Fly, motherfucker. Fly that fucking car. Maybe that's not part of the rules in this particular...

Oh, no. That came out in the early 90s, sorry. The train's not loud because it's not awesomely outrageous 80s. Oh, cool, cowabunger dudes. Oh, you want the scorpion jacket from driving. No, oh. Dude. And I'm sorry, Nary a Ninja Turtle.

There are no, the Ninja Turtles do show up at the end. Do they? Yeah. In that big stupid fight. I saw a Ninja Turtle. Yeah, they're there. It's all fast cut. No, there are Battletotes and Teenage Meekers.

It was a very muscular amphibian that made me feel weird. It was a Michael Bay Ninja Turtle. Oh, I missed that. I did this. I've seen this movie. The definitive Ninja Turtle. Yeah, they're kicking the shit out of an I-O-I officer, I think. I've seen.

this movie twice now and that's all I will see of this movie and this second time around in that big dumb fight at the end I did notice Jason Voorhees which I missed the first time. Freddie Kruger was like in the preview well he's probably avenging Freddy

at that point yeah oh I see he gets killed and then we I think we see the reaction of the man playing Jason and he was distraught oh yeah it was just fucking Kane Hatter cameo so it's a big race in New York city and you know you're driving around and all sorts of fun and characters pop out there's a

a Jurassic park dinosaur yeah the T-Rex is there I was kind of excited when I saw the 60s batmobile I was like that yeah there are moments in this stupid movie that you still do that it's just that's what happens that's what Spielberg wanted apparently I read an interview he's like I want people to be like oh I know that and ooh there's that thing that's just fucking great So it's successful, his experiment. Stephen, thank you for the press screening. It's awesome. I appreciate it.

I have to see you with the press. I mean, got to come over my house. But I still appreciate seeing it early. Question, where is the American graffiti car? I don't. And why is Robert Duval from THX-1138 not riding it? I didn't see any red tails going through the sky. Oh, man.

And you won't. Because it's not 80s, George. That's the only reason. But it has my name on it? Val Kilmer will be on a horse when? When is that happening? You know, I've been getting the itch. For Willow?

Yeah, so revisit. I haven't seen it since I was a kid and I remember liking it. That is exactly your alley is Willow. I think I would fucking dig it. I think I'd be like a pig and slop with Willow. I actually, I swear I saw the bad guy from Willow in the, in the, in the, in the melee. No, really?

Wow. Like I'm with the skull. Or is that just the Kergan from Highlander? It could also be the Kirklander. That would probably make more sense. You know what? I'm pretty sure it's not the Kergan from a fucking Highlander. Who do you think it is that?

Highlander was huge. Huge. He's buddies with Ron Howard. He's not buddies with whoever the fuck directed Highlander. Exactly. Yeah. All right. So.

But Highlander is like, we're talking about 80s movies. Highlander out ranks Willow in cultural significance. Yes, it does. I will say, where the. fuck was the big rolling ball from the cold open of Raiders the laws dark where the fuck's Pac-Man dude well he's uh he was against spilberg was

against using too much of his own stuff which makes sense that does make sense no let's just shit on Kubrick instead I just feel like he shouldn't have directed this movie at all he's too close to it all like but this is the problem though dude is like he's it's an interesting conundering my feel

because I agree with you yeah but at the same time he's also the only the director that could have made this movie I don't think that's true Who else? Not to put you on the spot, but do you think someone else? I honestly think something like Scott. No.

No. I think Scott Pilgrim is a good version of this movie. That's, that's, yeah. And I think Edgar Wright is like, because he's got it in his brain and all this shit. He's the one that like grew, like he's closer to Ernest Klein, Christ on the cross in age and like scope. I just feel like Spielberg's too old. He's like, oh, you know, Bill and Ted, I don't give his shit. Sure, Mark Ryle and so I can have a good laugh about it.

That's true. but I think hot take from me, both movies are bad. Yeah. Scott Pilb? Oh, no, no, no, not Scott Pilgr. I was saying Edgar Wright's version of fucking... Oh, well, yes. I mean, I'd ready player one would also suck.

Any version of this would probably be bad, but I just don't like that. This movie is Fruit of the Rotten Tree Counselor. The whole project is bad, counselor. It just seems like it... I'm never going to go near it, but it seems to me like this is also a book that should have never... been written. Well, I will say my wife has read it and she did tell

me, she's like, they took out everything that's interesting. Like a lot of it was much more class-based. Like the rich could, they say in the movie that like everybody's equal in the Oasis. You start from everywhere and that's how fucking Ben Mendelssohn is on equal footing with everybody else

essentially. In the book, the rich can buy whatever they want. Well, this is a whole capitalist fantasy, the whole thing. They should, by the way, they should have kept to one aesthetic. Just do a side world or you know it's like I just feel like it's just too much I think honestly the movie would be 80% more

interesting if it if they they tried for realism in in the in the Oasis like that's what's interesting about the Matrix is you never know where you are they do that in the middle of the movie for like a second but like if it's just Grand Theft Auto like you're just like dudes in the real world because it's like

I feel like at least have the Oasis be a thing where like it's this world and it's specifically more like a Westworld and then like Shogun world kind of thing Oh that too. You know what I mean? That makes sense that the separate worlds.

And that's a whole other thing. If you're doing this thing and you're putting it on, you could change aesthetics. Yeah. It doesn't all have to look like he could have made one look like fucking, you know, old Ralph backseat cartoons. I mean, I just, I kind of don't know why anyone uses this fucking thing because like what we're saying about the separate world. It's fucking. It's fucking for sure.

That I get. But like, am I only going to play one video game for my entire? fucking life. Also, does the internet exist anymore? Like, what is... You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? Like, I guess bandwidth wars, I guess, would answer that question. To do this Oasis thing, wouldn't have to, unless it's just pure fucking magic.

In terms of, like, can I use a laptop or whatever? Like, Google. Can I fucking Google? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, it's being now. Bing. Bing was on the right side of the bandwidth wars. Don't they all have, like, big, like, minority reports screeny things? Oh, do they? But that's

in the Oasis. Yeah. So, they're Using laptops into Oasis, but maybe not outside it? That's like these heinous things I've seen where like you can put on a VR thing now. And it's like the thing you're looking at is like masking for a movie theater screen. And then you watch the movie in the fucking eat a pile of shit. Just put on a movie. What a dumb ass concept. Or go outside.

We haven't even gotten to the end of the first fucking key yet. So he's racing, he does poorly, he's racing with this girl named Artemis, who he saves from, at the end of the race you get to, you're about to, like, go off to Brooklyn Bridge and jump into Central Park, but King Kong stops you. It's a Peter Jackson King Kong that looks like it. It is the Peter Jackson King Kong. Oh, classic 80s. How cool would it have been, though, man, if they just had the puppet walking around. Yes, exactly. They should have like the 1979 Jeff Bridges one.

Oh, shit. That fucking puppet was marred. To be period specific. That's actually true. Yeah, he would have been obsessed with that movie. Actually, could it be the Jeff Bridges? Cool, dude. I'm not making that up, right?

He's in one of those, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like 1976 or something like that. That's the one with the World Trade Center. Correct. But so she's about to get nailed by King Kong. What? Destroyed.

I mean, listen, in the Oasis, you could do anything. You could be anyone. You could get nailed by King Kong. I want to be this little final fantasy person and get fucked by King Kong. Sure, man. Whatever you're doing, the Oasis. That's what it's for, baby. That's that, Minecraft, no.

Everybody's on the fuck planet. Let's stop this. I think everything's a fuck planet, though. I think you can just, if you're in this race, you're jerking off in your little car. Do they like actually? You get the wacky racist car and you're jerking off in it. They should be in this race. Oh, man.

I'm fucking the dog from wacky race. That's the thing, right? That's the thing, right? It was like, this wouldn't be ruined by society pretty quickly because of all the fucking, like, you'd be riding the race. It's like, all right, here's the part where Kong comes out. And then some dude would just run out in the middle of the road fucking jerking off in the street. Oh, my God, Planet 4chan. That is hell.

Guys, guys, not everyone can play as Hitler. That's the other thing, right? Where is all the fucking racism? And where are all the fucking neo-Nazis on this thing? Okay, if I can't be Hitler, Pinochet, I guess. Oh, I got Pulpot again. There should be a bad force besides T.J. Miller in this world that isn't related to the company. T.J. Miller is related to the company in a way, but there should be like some fucking rotten eggs that they have to deal with.

You know what? I give them credit, you know, pure evil, T.J. Miller. I mean, that's enough evil. It works out. It works out. a little bit. So he saves her and they kind of become friends and she realizes that there's got to be a better way to do this race and they go to this place which is like the it's the Google. It's the Ask Jeeves robot essentially pretty much.

It's 110% an Ask Jeeves reference. And because this movie's an hour and 500 hours long an hour and 500 hours The robot winds up being Simon Pegg which is a weird thing. Simon Pegg is like the Steve Wozniak to

Bill Gates. Rylands's So clever. Steve Jobs. You know what I mean? But and he gets forced out and all this stuff. But like at the end of the movie

he reveals himself to have been this robot. Like so was he like cursed to be this robot? Like he's a search engine. He's like the Red Skull in Infinity. No, I think they sort of played that off as like he's like

monitoring the thing. Simon Pegg's he does the voice at the end. He does. Yeah, yeah. And I think that's more he's saying like, I was just like watching you the whole time kind of thing. Every day is like, well, all right, let me, what do you want? Okay, yes, let me go find that for you.

That's the other thing about this movie, too, is you have to be, like I said, like so fucking obsessed with this old fucker that made this thing, and you have to be such a fan. And so what they wind up doing is going through this guy's life history and looking at all these things and talking about him after he's died. So part of me watching this movie, it also plays like a really, obnoxious citizen Cain. Yeah. Because it's like, it's this

Ty Sheridan and Olivia Cook, and they're constantly talking about like the history of his lost love and the failed partnership and all this. And I'm like, I'm just picturing Joseph Cotton in the fucking retiring home, munching on a cigar. Surprise, surprise. They name

drop Rosebud. At the end of the movie. Oh, did they? They do. You guys, there's just so many easterings in this movie. I can't even keep track of them all. It's so fun. I was just thinking, like, where is the dude playing as Charles Foster came? Like, you know, like, let's get some of, like, black and white figures in there. There should be way more to this than what we see.

Like, where's Columbo? Well, yeah, you stay off the fucking birth of a nation planet, which would definitely exist in this fucking online world. Absolutely. I mean, that's the thing, is that the culture in this world is only pop culture. Like, there's no real niche stuff, which is nuts, because that's what the internet was built on, this niche bullshit. A great question.

So no. So it's pop culture. So does that mean historical figures are out? Like you can't play as Hitler. You're going to only play as Admiral Ozzell from Empire Strikes Black playing Hitler in the Last Crusade. Or the one from the producers. Or downfall, man. There could be a Hitler play.

There's been enough Hitler. Bruno Gans Hitler. No, see, that's the thing. Is there a fucking planet, like planet Mooby or a planet film struck you go on? Like, can I walk around like Gary Cooper? Yes. Yes, you can. come and see because that's a weird thing right it's like there's so much pop culture but then you have like that fucking gambling planet and i'm like yeah i guess gambling like gambling that's for all the jays bond guys the gambling planet the porn planet um the racism planets or plural plural on that one uh those would like the golf planet come on that's where everybody is welcome to golf planet planet tramp links all right

You're going to play golf forever. You're damned in the oasis. Yes, those mud puddles on the course were intentional. No blacks. And, well, I was going to say no Jews, but we'll let Jared in. Come on, Jared. Jared, you just can't wear the hat, okay? The hats.

That's what he calls that. Karen fucking T.U. He calls a Yamaka, the hat. Oh, I'm visiting Israel. Let me put the hat on. the whaling wall I'm supposed to yell at it right right

am I jerusalem am I right yes you are sir so they find out they are having this big argument as him Simon Pegg and Mark Rallans are and he's like oh if only we could just go backwards man it'd be cool awesome 80s outrageous

cowabunga backwears as fast as we can and twirling always He's swirling. Backwards, man. Awesome. Awesome. Backwards. Backwards.

And it's like no one picked this up until Percival, aka Wade, whatever. Thank God that there's a fucking, finally a story where a white guy figures it all out. And everyone stands around and applauds. I think that's why this movie got good reviews. Probably.

But here's the bigger thing. You just, and you highlighted it, Eric. All of these little things that he finds out. everyone knows it your aunt your grandmother everybody knows it cabin we're already

told man most of the the oasis population gave up on the contest yes because it's only five it's only half a trillion dollars listen you know what some people I know none of the characters in this movie actually work I mean we do see

what's this called iOS or I oh I know they have some jobs there but like everyone else doesn't work, but the people who actually do work in the outside world, other than the main characters, like, they're just going to porn planet before or after work.

Yeah, just that's that. We're getting out, man. They don't have time to sit there for 10 hours. Somebody's got to be making the pizzas that are going in the Pizza Hut delivery drones. By the way, the fucking audacity that Pizza Hut, a pizza chain that rarely offers delivery service, by the way, is the one that's winning

the fast food pizza wars? I don't think so. Maybe that's an Uber Eats drone carrying a pizza hat. That could be. Because we know it's not Papa John. He went down in flames. So it's either, it's Pizza Hut or Mr. Domino's dude.

And I don't know who's going to pull it off. Well, Pizza Hut has the bravado. Dominoes keeps on saying how they're fucking up. Yeah, that's true. I think they're. Pizza Hut just pushes right through it. Oh, you don't like Wing Street. Fuck you.

It is here to stay. Or wait. Fake it if you make it. Fake it till you make it. Or they cancel each other out, Little Caesars rising. Oh, I could, in a dystopian future, that would definitely happen. During the bandwit wars, Little Caesar is fucking playing a violin over New York on fire. Oh, by the way, the noid should be in the-burn, burning.

The noid should be in the battle at the end. Oh, that's true. You should get fucking hit through the chest with a spear or something. Oh, classic the noid from the movie K-9, awesome, outrageous. 80s. Can I get the cool seven up? Oh, person? I had a spot action figure. Awesome 80s. Oh, you know, awesome 80s. I'm going to make a planet where I own Sky pegs me from the movie. Say anything. Awesome, cool 80s outrageous. Why are you leaving Simon Pegg? OPEG. What kind of maniac would play as the noid or something like that, right? Like, what kind of a

criminally insane person would log in and play the noise. I know. Well, it's got to honestly be the same thing with Batman, dude. That's some balls. I wouldn't play as Batman. You're putting a target on your back, right? That's true. Absolutely. You want to be like something low-key. Well, that's, okay.

Columbo might have been right, by the way. I think, yeah, it's been stuck in my head ever since. I mean, ever since I saw this movie, I was like, obviously, I was like, where's Columbo? Where's T.J. Hooker. Where's Matt Lock? All right, welcome to the Colombo expansion pack. You're painting. 400 credits, you get me

and a 19707 Dodge Dart. That's you in the race. For another 100 credits, ma'am, you can get my fax machine. And you know,

here's what we'll do. Throw it 100 and I'll get drunk with John Cassavetes and start screaming. Oh, dude, the Casavetes expansion pack, I am paying for it. Oh, I would say, can you imagine, dude can you imagine being in the casavetti's expansion pack you were just in there like eric said everyone's screaming constantly smoking cigarettes a lot of warm beer jena rollins is just

fucking smacking you in the face you're just at that dinner from husbands forever oh god you're just making that waitress sing you thought the shining was scary they're in husbands now yeah try try drunk ben gazara oh jesus dude that guy's a nightmare so he goes backwards and like it's a secret thing where when you go backwards and nothing touches you, you're fine. He goes under the race as he goes backwards and everyone's like, yay, he did it. He gets through it and then a

nice taint shot of the T-rex by the way, you catch that. Like he's driving under the race like he's under everybody else so he goes under the T-Rex and he's like, oh, quit looking at my balls. He just passes by. Nice. See you later.

There would be bestiality rampant. Dino Beastiality, absolutely. Every single cartoon you loved as a child would be fucked somewhere in the oasis. It's like, hey, I'm going to go visit my friends that I loved growing up. Hey, oh, hey, care bears. And they're just like being fucking cumbed in. Like, I'm just trying to go visit my fucking, it's like, oh, God, players.

Do not come in the snorke hole, please. He gets a key. And then, uh, Mark Rylance's avatar, by the way, is this fucking big old Gandalf looking thing. Sure. Great. And then, like, basically, everyone. else he knows gets a key because they're all in on it. It's the girl Artemis. He's got

a friend named H. Who is this big looks like some sort of god-a-war character or some shit. And look with a super modified voice which you know where that's going immediately. Yeah, it's a Lena Waith. Yeah. Who's great on master or none? She's funny. Absolutely.

But and then there's two other people that don't even belong in this movie because they have nothing to do and it's like it's fine if they have anything to do but they do nothing in this movie. Literally nothing. No, they're just there as like, oh, we have other friends too, like these tertiary

characters. Anyway, moving along. Well, they talk about how like a lot of and I guess maybe this is like an online gaming thing, but like they have like clans or whatever and you know, like squads. But I think they say clans in this. They do use clan in this.

And I guess the whole thing is like, well, we don't clan. But then what they realize guys at the end of the movie, they have a clan. They're a clan after all. They're just a goddamn oasis family. I think these characters who are just there, I think they're just their show like,

look, gaming, it's international. Like, you can play Mortal Kombat with your friend from Vietnam. Sure. And die-toe. Yeah, but so they form this posse. Him getting the key gets him a lot of fame. And now... First to the key.

And Ben Mendelssohn takes note of him. And this is when Ben Mendelsohn, who runs this company called Iowa, why he's like trying to start he employs the evil ayahuasca I wish dude I wish I drank ayahuasca before I watched this piece of shit

hell yeah because then I would just be uncontrollably vomiting and having a religious experience and the TV would just be on and I wouldn't notice a lot of M. Bison comes out and he's like hey man you all right yo dude you cool a lot of people had a religious experience

with this movie I'm sure they're fucking crazy I would yeah I'd need fucking sub-zero to take me to the chill-out tent do you just hang out here I've got some ice where just chew on that what are you saying cabin is he cool it's conspicuous that there's no a drug buying planet

yes or like there's no drug epidemic in the fucking stacks maybe maybe the game is the drug oh oh but that's two cabins point though yes Eric you are correct they are addicted to this which also way more people should be

obese but they're not whatever Everyone should be obese It should be the Wally Yes, exactly Unless you gotta say like Oh and then the famines happen And we just

We eat a pill For food every day But in the Oasis We could Ignorance is bliss And I can have this steak I mean they are moving around They do the little

Trendmills that they're walking on To do stuff Yeah I guess it's not as Yeah But later in the film We see Wade just hang in there Like a I don't even know How this works

Anyway Well no to Cabin's thing There should definitely be a thing where it's like you can take something in the game and it gives you like a fucked up like trip experience. Like a mushroom from Mario's. Yeah, like you take it from Marios, exactly. And then it's like you take it,

but then like you just experience like Jupiter and Beyond the Infinity or something. Yeah, that'd be great. No Nintendo in this movie either. Nintendo said no. There is, oh, did they? There's Street Fighter up the Wazoo though. Yeah, that's Capcom.

Right, but I played it on the Nintendo's. Sure, but there's a license. You're right there I didn't see No, Waluigi would be getting laid left and right Dude, don't worry about it He'd also be fucking fucking fucking people Oh, for sure, dude

I remember we were you lighting up around the block To bottom for Waluigi Somebody is becoming the big stupid bullet And going after Oh, yeah, Phil, I love that So Ben Mendelssoen enlists A, T.J. Miller and B the lady from Ant Man and the Wasp, whatever her name is.

Oh, yes, the woman who plays Ghost, it's a. Hannah Jeancommon or so. O for two for me, man. I'm still not. I'm actually like kind of heartbroken that you hated that movie that much. I didn't see it yet.

Just because I had so much goddamn fun with that movie and I couldn't wait to talk to Steve about it and he was just like, hey Andrew, you're dead to me. That's what you may as well have said. Comment in the comments about it. I'm sure there'll be more comments about me hitting Scott Pilkrum

which is a terrible thing. film anyway. Can I just point out I love that Ben Mendelsso's name in this movie is just Sorrento. Oh, nice. The fucking cheese company. But also I imagine Andy Garcia from what the fuck was that Ashley Judd movie? When a Man Loves a Woman?

Nope. We did an episode on it. Oh, oh, oh. Set in San Francisco. Cripes. Oh, Sam Jackson. Yeah, Twisted. My God, twisted. I just pictured someone being like, fuck you, Sorrento. Oh, man, Oh, man, so many people will be on Twisted Planet. Well, no, it's not outrageously 80s.

Sorry, it's not 80s. Oh, so bozinga. See, that's not awesomely 80s at all, though. But that's what this is. It's so fucking the nerd culture of whatever that terrible show is. The Big Bang Theory. Don't pretend you don't know what this. No, I know what it is.

He knows very well what it is. And it's ending now. Thank God. And that's why it's like, with this out there, it makes sense that it ends. I feel like the last episode they should watch this movie. They'd be like, oh, I am,

yay! Our work here is done. Yeah, it ends in a big ready player one's circle jerk. They all cry and then they drink the Kool-Aid. Yeah, because basically, CBS, please let that show

ended a mass suicide. Because for the last decade I've had to live with, that guy fucking loves Bing Bang Theory every time I walk out of room because I have glasses? Dude, can I say at one time, it was like,

either for my birthday or Christmas or something, I opened a gift from a family member and it was a coffee mug that said bazinga on it and I'm looking at it. Wow, that is insulting. But get this though, I wasn't insulted because I had no fucking idea

what it was and I'm looking at it and this relative who I won't call out on the air was like, hey, right, right? And I was like, what? And they're like, right? Bazinga, right? And I'm sitting And I, honest to God, had no fucking idea. And I was like, I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know what this is.

And they were like, Big Bang Theory. I was like, I have literally never seen a second of that show. And it was like, it was like I had just said, like, I don't breathe air. Yeah. It was just like, what do you talk? What do you talk? You don't watch that show. That show is fucking amazing.

I was like, I don't give a fuck. It's that nerd. It's that nerd. It's that nerd. Look at me. I'm a fucking nerd. But that's faith. See, you appreciate.

the real nerd stuff. This is just the fake regurgitation of what they think a nerd would want. And you know that it's not important. Yes. This is the fucking message of the movie is if you know enough about pop culture and Steve Jobs,

you can save the fucking world. That's the end thesis of all this. It's also the only way to live happy. Also, God is a gamer. Can I interject here with a dramatic reading? Sure. because I have some because we're about to get into the part of the movie

where it turns romantic you know what I mean So we're going to read a script for the Big Bang Theory and act out the parts No this is Ernest Klein's poetry He's a poet before he was a novel Hey Vern All right Steve Saneck regale us

Nerd porn Whoa nerd porn Porn Autor By Ernest Klein All right guys get your dicks out Get your dick out And this is this is Big Bang This bazingaing all over the place.

Get your dick out. I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porn movies that are made for guys like me. Yes, they are. All the porn I've come across was targeted at beer swilling, sports par dwelling alpha males. This is a poem? What are you talking about, dude? You're binging wrong. Men who like their women's stupid and submissive.

I'm going to vomit. Men who can only get it up for the. monosyllabic cock hungry nymphos. Wait, is this a poem? You're getting duped here. This is not real. With gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary. This was in the New Yorker? Adult films are populated with these

collagen-injected liposuction women. Again, I ask, is this a poem? Many of whom, this is so long, many of whom who have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation. Oh, I get it. It's an idiotic petameter. In an attempt to look the way that they've been told to look, these aren't real women, they're objects.

And these movies aren't erotic, they're pathetic. These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don't turn me on. They disgust me. Dude, they're going to work, asshole. And I'm not a guy, and I'm not against pornography. I mean, I'm a guy. And guys need porn. Fact.

Can we get somebody to help Ernest? Wait a second. The poem says fact. Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein. Guys need porn. Whoa. But I don't watch this. You're right.

This is so long. But I don't watch this misogynistic key man woman hater. I don't want to watch this misogynistic key man woman hater porn. Sweet little rascals, ref. I want those kids jerked. I want porn of movies that are made for guys like. me in mind, guys who know the sexiest thing in the world is a woman who is smarter than you are. And who wears heels?

You can have... Just stop on my ball! You can have the whole cheerleading squad. I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses. Is this a poem? I like pornography, but like this certain subsect of it. Betty for Nebraska, the valedictorian. Oh, yes.

first I want to copy or trig homework Oh my God And I want to make mad passionate love to her Someone call the police For hours and hours Until she reluctantly asks if we could stop Oh my God Because she doesn't want to miss her Battlestar Galactica

I love this because it's like You can have the cheerleaders I get the school girls Summa come loud baby That's what I call erotic There's still more I'm gonna keep going well we have to now but do you

but do you ever see this kind of woman in a contemporary adult film you don't walk half of the great wall this by the way this is worse than when I read that poop story on the Nexus I wish I let you finish that over this absolutely which is why I'm starting to write writing and directing geek porno

I'll be the quintessential nerd porn or that's what this is and the women of my porn movies will be the kind that drive nerds like me mad with desire I'm talking about girls who used to fuck up the grading curve. The girls in the Latin club in the National Honor Society.

Girls with weird clothes, braces, four eyes and 4.0 GPA. Places. And can recite... Braces. And can recite Spielberg's filmography. Brady, articulate bookworms with Mensa cards in their purses

and chips on their shoulders. My porn starlets will come in all shapes in sizes. My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhDs to go to the gym. Stop using the word Starlet.

Like I'm in the porn of movies will have girls that don't even have to get naked. Leave the stockings on. In the simulation of Shirley Temple.

And they'll never talk. They'd take guys down to the rec room and beat them repeatedly at chess and then talk for hours and hours about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle or the underlying

social... The underlying social metaphors in the alien movies. What the fuck? Here comes the end. Buy stock in hand cream companies because there's about to be a major shortage. And I'm not talking about straight porn. Oh, no. There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren of all sexual orientation.

How brave of you? Gay porn dungeons with titles like Dungeons. and drag queens. Oh, great. This idea is a fucking gold mine. I'm going to make millions. That's what this movie is anyway. Is this a poem?

Because this country is full of... This is a novelette. This country is full of database programmers and electronics engineers that aren't getting the loving they so desperately need. Thank you, Ted Kaczynski. And you can help. Recycling is fake.

And you can help if you're an intelligent woman interested in breaking into the adult film industry. If you could tell me the name of Luke Skywalker's home planet, then you're hired. Wait, what? It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive. He wasn't born on Tatooine, dude. It doesn't matter if you think you're beautiful.

You are beautiful. And I will make you a star. Well, I have to start smoking now, I guess. Jesus. I'm going to start smoking meth after I read that. If I fucking heard that shit, man. Well, guys, it's been. really great doing what the fuck what is that that's what that's this whole dude's

whole fucking thing where did you honestly steve where the fuck did you find i googled it man because was that legit though was that a legit that's really him that's what he did that was this like published somewhere he was like a slam poet apparently before he became a big writer and he was buddies with he was buddies with guess who harry the fuck knolls they were talking about fucking tweed skirts and all sorts of shit together oh my god that's great I didn't know Harry was a poet. You don't even know it. Sorry, I stopped everything dead.

No, I mean, that's really important. That's what you're paying for everybody. So who would recommend the movie? So the next act of this is he starts, he's becoming famous and he's falling in love with this Artemis girl. Right. Oh, who's like the girl that Ernest wants the nut for. Exactly.

Because she's a cool geek girl, but she's got a dark secret guys. Right. Which is that she's really conventional. attentionally attractive. She's a birthmark. That's the whole fucking thing. She's got a birth mark. You wouldn't get it.

All right. Like hire is tough. Even hire somebody that even Hollywood would consider a quote unquote overweight, which is not somebody that's actually overweight, but like Hollywood overweight would be like something. You know what I mean? Like she's just like she she could play the lead cheerleader in a movie one one movie down. You know what I mean?

Like it doesn't make any fucking sense. Oh yeah? But she can talk about the Heismans principle. She knows what Buccaroo Banzai is So I'm gonna fucking come on her feet Yeah, oh she Hey, she watched that incomprehensible 80s movie Great

Oh you know what fucking Tatooeen is You've seen the most popular movie of all time I mean question Where do these people find this Since they're always on this fucking game Where do they find time to even become obsessed with the 80s To even know about Buccau Banzai and shit And then also like are there new movies

Is there new culture? Is there new music? Who cares? Who fucking cares? That's what the fucking ads attitude is, is who fucking cares what's happening. The world building is completely gone. It says 80s, that was the pinnacle. We could accept a couple of things here and there from other decades, but then that's

it. We peaked. We peaked as a society. By the way, white 80s only. We're not talking about no one's dressed as thriller. No one's, well, he almost dresses a thriller for a second. Oh shit, you're right. And he does, he dresses a prince before that. Yeah, he does not go to the, uh, there

should be the fucking Bensonhurst world or the, uh, the, the, uh, the, Where is it in Do the Right Thing? Actual Chirac. Actual Shirek. I've been deployed to Shirek. Take me to fucking, let's do, you know, it's December 24th, man. We're in Hollis, Queens, Run DMC's singing about me.

Sure. Give me Run DMC, if any, because there's so much 80s rock and shit. You give me one run DMC song. Yeah. No, I didn't see any gang star anywhere. I'll be honest with you. So they go to a dance club together. There is a sweet Goro cameo, which I really appreciate.

Good God is there ever. That was, it was awesome, actually, because I was watching the movie and my wife came home right at that scene and she's like, what are you doing? And I was like watching Ready Player 1 for the show and she looked at it. She looked at fucking Goro and she was just like, I would hate this. And I was like, yes, that's absolutely correct. You would hate this. She also pointed out an amazing thing. What this is, what this movie is, it is a Tumblr page come to life.

Yeah. That's what it is. It's just this hodgepodge of all this shit. Fucking Goro, man, how dare you? And it's fucking, it's Goro, but then there's a chestburster from Alien pops out of him and it's like Artemis in disguise is the gag. Oh, my God, a girl who knows what Goro is.

Oh, fuck. Oh, and she could talk about the aliens franchise. Oh, yeah. She watched aliens. Where's my latte? Aliens. Ski-bop-D. Hello.

Buczyg. Picking. It. Kelly cool. And you know, some people will say, like, well, you guys. My ambialic. You guys do all these movie references all the time coming out of nowhere. Like, how could you not like this movie?

This movie is, this is a cancer in my brain. Somebody was attempting to put us on blast about that, actually. I noticed that. And honestly, it's a fucking. Apples and Oranges, because this show isn't constructed around pop culture references. I'm not saying, call me Goro, although I might. Now I'm like, call me Goro. Call me by your Mortal Kombat character. Isn't that how Moby Dick starts? Call me Goro? That's the other thing. Our references transcend a single decade, thank you very much.

But I mean, like, this movie, it's a movie that feels like one of those posters that you'll get, like, that has, like, a bunch of different, like, Where's Waldo-E kind of thing? pop culture. And like there's a little key in the bottom and like the fun is being like oh that was over there. Boba Fett was here. That's Goro. That's whatever. And it's just pointing at it, acknowledging and moving on to the next thing. It's fine for a fun poster. It's not fine for a movie

that's almost two and a half hours long. Thank you very much. So the dance sequence kind of goes nowhere. He does tell her his real name, which is Wade and the world's biggest piece of shit T. T.J. Miller finds out and uses that against him, which winds up getting his house blown up.

His whole little trailer stack blown up. There are mass casualties in that one scene. Right, like his stepfather, I guess, also goes up in smoke. The step-uncle or something? The dude from the witch. Speaking of, where's Black Phillip? I would totally be Black Phillip if there's a case. All of these delicious pop culture references.

Yes, I'm driving a car trying to get the key. I'm a black goat. Dude, if you were doing this movie or you watched this movie, movie and it's that race and I don't know the fucking station wagon from vacation pulls up alongside you and it's a fucking goat driving the car a plus a plus movie man a plus they just did it wrong what's thou like to race deliciously I'm heading to spring break but awesome 80s outrageous awesome 80s where's the dude playing Clark griswold actually right yeah they should have they should have they should like CGI'd

D.H. Chevy Chase to be in this movie. But this dude being blown up in the stacks would have been great to have... By the way, Ben Mendelssohn does this because the company is evil and they want to win the race or whatever this fucking madman, madman world is. They had time to, like, buy him out, by the way.

They do. When they find out who he is, they're like, hey, man, you can come work here. Unlimited credits, blah, blah, blah. You could get a jerk off chair just like this one and all this whole thing. But that dude's death would have some weight if I knew who the fuck he was. Yes.

If his home life was defined at all. Nope. Well, that's one scene where he's like, hey, man, I lost all of our money on credits because I was trying to buy a new fucking super gun. Yeah. I guess it's just like I'm a dead beat dude. Sure. Well, that's like the classic Spielbergian like, oh, here's this dude who's supposed to be

my father figure, but he's a fucking scumbag. And, yeah. And then it doesn't matter that he's murdered. Like, none of that has any weight. Also, the aunt, like, his parents are dead. Killed off sort of... Your parents are dead! They're in the corn syrup wars or something.

Maybe they got fucking drowned in it. Yeah, so he fell into a fucking bag of Doritos and couldn't eat his way out. I don't know. But he lives with, like, this aunt and the aunt's boyfriend or whatever the fuck. And she's also horrible to him because, like, he borrows a fucking power glove from her, some shit. And she, like, punches him in the face. Sure. So it's like, all right, well, those characters are dead.

We don't have to worry about them because there's no weight behind it. Nobody gives a shit. We're just going to move on. We just need to spend more time in the real world to understand why people go into the oasis all the time. And I get that, like, they show that, like, the stacks or the quote-unquote slums, but not really. No. I mean, you still get pizza delivered. Yeah, not too bad, man.

And then, like, Artemis is a freedom fighter. It's like, I need, I'm sorry, but if you have a fucking freedom fighter and, like, the fucking people's front of Judea in this, I need to have a semblance of the world and what we're fighting for. We don't even hear what her organization is called, what they do, and there's people around that get arrested

at the end of the sequence, but you don't know who they are or what they do. But their whole fight is like, well, we want to play as the street fighter guys or something. Like, what is, like, what does this pop culture nonsense matter? Maybe this is the natural extension of Gamergate. It all goes, in all 50 years.

years later it goes here. Look, Steve, it was all about Netflix and video game journalism. And it will truly be a planet of GamerGames. Well, speaking about being terrible to women, so the second challenge, the shining challenge.

That's, oh fuck, dude, his jerk-off cave? Well, here, okay. Okay, yes. Yes. But when he goes and he figures it out because he goes to Jeeves, and he sees a scene where he's like, Halliday had a date with the girl who ended up marrying Simon Pegg.

Correct. But she died of cancer or someone who knows. So Artemis, who is also supposedly as fucking obsessed with Halliday and all this other shit, she is so surprised to learn that Holliday dated the fucking Simon Peg. It's like if fucking Yoko dated Paul before fucking John. Yeah, you would know that. She would know this. It's the most famous person alive.

Yes. He's changed to the course of it. The most famous person ever. And I get that people have like forgotten about the oyster, but she is clearly one of these people. You would know, you're totally right. You would know that. He determines that like this is the only time, uh, in all of this dude's like mental archives or whatever that this woman's name is mentioned and he's scrubbed it from everything else. So they're like, oh, this instance has to mean something.

They trace back. Uh, I guess also. I think in this world, this future letterboxed, the website also exists because they talk about how he kept track of like every movie he watched each week and like how many times it was that he had watched it or whatever. So they go to that week in which the date happened and they figure out like what movies he watched and then they try to figure out like, you know, what movie they could have gone to on the date. They determined that the film was the shining is the idea. so we go into like this movie theater app or whatever the fuck. It's like Gumby, we're going inside the book.

We're in the middle of the shining out of nowhere, absolutely. It's like the emoji movie. And this was actually, yeah, speaking to DJ Miller, this was like, yes, Gene Matt, this character from the emoji movie.

That guy should have made an appearance here. This was a part of the movie where I was like, this is a cool like Spielberg idea. Like they, They go in the theater into the movie. In the book, it was Blade Runner, by the way. Oh, is that right?

It should have been the last action hero. Oh, man, that's like a, that's like, there is a reference to, did you notice it? No. Somebody's got a little smiley face eyeball. No, there's a marquee, I think it says Jack Slater. Really? Oh, or somebody says Jack Slater. It's a marquee.

I'm 100% here. You know what, Jack Slater was a cop. If you want to do a marquee, it should be Stallone in Terminator 2. Oh, awesome. Not bazinga. If we're binging, dude, I want a planet that's called Charles Dance Dance Revolution. Yes. Where you're dancing with Charles Dance and Last Action Hero.

Tywin Lannister. Tywin Lannister. Obviously, you're doing the fucking golden child dragon demon. You're dancing in those underworld movies. You're dancing with the fucking doctor from Alien 3, dude. We're having a great dance time. But yeah, like we were groaning about like the Goro, the alien Goro thing. I kind of want more of that bullshit.

If we're going to, if we're here and we're doing it, Have Goro be on the fucking whale hunting. I think that another better version of this movie is Reckett Ralph. Like, you know what I mean? Like, those characters are around. You know what I mean? And they use them to effect. That sequel looks like we are jumping the shark.

Like nobody's fucking business. I had no idea that was even coming out. Oh, yeah. Ralph breaks the internet. Which why the fuck wasn't it, Ralph wrecks the internet? Which I think is a joke that they make. He shows his plump bottom. I don't know.

I don't care. I didn't even see the first. one. Oh, well, so I think it's an actually legitimate cool visual when we go into the movie, all of a sudden you're in the Overlook hotel, they're using actual like stills from

the actual Kubrick movie, I think. I mean, it looks awesome. A bit of a set, too, I'm not sure. I don't know how they did it, but it looks photorealistic. It looks really cool. And to that I was like, oh, all right, nice. And they're like running around trying to figure out. They cast two other little girls to play the

twins, which whatever, that's fine. because, like, Lena Waith's character has to, like, interact with them. This is when it starts to feel, like, the, the shining experience at Universal Studios or something. Well, right, especially, I mean, so they determine there's a whole sequence with, like, Room 237, and, like, Lena Waith goes in there, the lady in the tub's in there. Yeah, who has a knife, stab, stab, that's what that movie is, right? That woman's running around trying to stab you. Right, well, that's what... It's an insult to the Shining.

That's what was unclear to me, because then what starts happening is, like, they're supposed to just be in this thing of, the movie, but then it turns into a game level. Yes. Which I guess maybe this dude just designed it. It's all kind of like fuzzy and unclear. It's very dream like one second you're in the room, the next second you're in the maze. Yeah. And you definitely don't get Jack Torrance because I guarantee you somebody who's like,

hey, uh, Jack Nicholson, you want to, you want to voice Jack Torrance and it'll be see, see, yeah, or can we at least, like, license your visage? No, you may not. Yeah, exactly. So you just have some dude from behind, like, limping through the maze with an axe. You don't get a, oh, that's what you want. You want the fucking Jack Doran's death knell, dude. Speaking of, there's a giant Jack, I guess, as well.

But there'll be a humongous axe. And it's just like, what are we even doing? I understand making The Shining a game. But why are we putting in a bunch of shit that was never even tantra? Like, not even related to the movie at all. Well, it's kind of like if they actually made a video game out of the Shining, it would be terrible just like that. So then they determine Welcome to the Shining the Game from 2008

where it's like an open world environment And you just, I don't know And there's only two other characters to interact with it Sorry, you should just Go to the ghost bar and have a drink Use the urinal, hear a weird story from a fucking Weird racist old British guy Go check the temperature on that boiler and release the pressure

When he uses the end word, you say what? Wait, why did you do that? three times. That's weird. Go ahead. Kill Scatman, Caruthers. Yeah, I wish you called him Scatman. But they go into the big, like, ballroom. Yes. And they determine... And it's full of

dancing zombies, just like the shiny. Yeah, like the floor is ripped out. It's so... And it was amazing, because the first time I saw this movie, I was totally hooked by the look of the overlook, and I was like, cool, cool, cool. And then in the same exact

sequence, the movie completely this is where I was like no more. Sure. Because like then it's just this dumb Disney's haunted mansion donkey shit. They're all dancing around and she's got to like they find like a computer version of the woman

that they both were in love with. Ew. And she's trapped in this fucking thing. I'm going to make the girl I loved as a trapped figure in a horror movie because I'm a weird fucking creep. Totally dude. It's so creepy. You want on what date with this woman?

It is unconscionable. I saw this woman on the bus and now she's in hell. They should honestly, they should shut down the oasis forever. They should exhume his body, piss on it, and burn it. Because this guy is the, this guy's the worst person ever lived. We're turning the oasis into a new version of Quicken books. That's it. All you can do is spreadsheets and that's it.

But to beat this level, you have to go up, you have to jump on all these other zombies because they're all floating over this pit. get to this woman and ask her to dance to which the woman's what's the line she says something like I've been waiting so long for you to ask me that Jesus Christ you Jesus Christ you serial killer

Holiday the wizard like nuts in the corner and then emerges and it's like you've got the Jade key now or you can get the purple key if you go in the other room and get the blow job from the bear dude so they say this dude that is honestly this movie would be better if the bear dude out like just

give me that give me I don't just recreate that scene we already got the blood from the elevator recreate the bear dude sucking yes

I agree right the first mention of oral sex at a Steven Spielberg movie I'm guessing I'm not sure no

that cannot be true ET is full of it you just call him penis breath actually well yeah penis breath yeah there it is that's that's how you would acquire

penis breath also that would acquire it. Jalls gave a bunch of oral sex if you think about it you know

because he swallowed the dude's legs and then his butt. I mean, I think there might have been some in Lincoln

but it was women getting arrested for it. It was James Spader's character talking about his sandwich. Who knows what happened on that UFO

with Richard Dreyfus? And he's about this is when he goes to his family gets blown up and she saves him in the real world and she's like

I'm so hideous. Look at this kind of cool David Bowie Mark that I have that no man would ever love me and it's like all right, all right. It's so terrible. Also my question about this whole thing we talked about she's like in these freedom fighters or whatnot. Is she their leader? Great question. Because she

there's like he gets kidnapped at one point and she's like sorry about all the secrecy blah blah and I was like so did you order this like 45 year old man to go kidnap this guy? Are you the leader of this shit? It's assumed she's the leader.

Is it? Yeah, because she's the fucking one gaming all the time. I don't see any of them other ones up in there. So what? She's just got all these jackbooted thugs. Yeah. They're there like sustaining her life in gaming. Like they buy the food.

They buy all the Doritos. They change her diaper while she's fucking gaming forever. Definitely gaming diapers in this universe. It would have to be. Or just like ball jars. Ball jars full of shit and piss everywhere. Yeah. Well, Wade gets.

like one of these fancy... Chinese food containers filled with pissed. But he also gets one of these weird exosuits to wear while he's gaming and I think it's like 110% just like piss all over. Oh, definitely. You fucking vacuums up your asshole whenever you shit. I think that's what's

happening. I think that's why these gaming uniforms are coveted. That's not one ton. And that's that's what Ben Mendelsso's chair is all about. You know there's a hole in that. Oh, that's definitely... That's a comfortable gaming chair slash Toilin.

Now I'm shitting. Yeah. What was the one Simpsons where homers got like the shitting recliner and there's like a fucking mini fridge on it or something? Yeah. That's what that is. I'm in the right chair. Speaking of which, fucking Ben Mendelssohn's Oasis character, what are we doing there? I think it's Irwin R. Scheister, the wrestler, IRS.

He looks a lot like. Just like IRS. I was like, is that supposed to be like Don Draper? His name's boss man. I'm like, no, that's IRS. That's hilarious. There is a really shitty sequence where in, when he's trying to, you know, Wu wade to the dark side, he's like,

and this is actually an interesting part of the movie that there's this room full of actual nerds that know everything that he has in his employees, which would totally be my job. The pop culture researchers, give me a fucking break. And it's this stupid thing where like he's falling for it. Here's this evil dude that runs the worst company in the world that has literal fucking death camps. And he's like, you know, it's a pretty cool movie?

It's a breakfast club. And everyone's like, wow. You know what I mean? The fact that Wade is even falling forth for even a second means he's an irredeemable character, in my opinion. Yeah, exactly. Many people have been fucked and killed in the name of fucking Ferris Bueller.

That doesn't mean that he's a good first. That's true. And also in the movie, too. Well, also it's like he, Wade tests him is the thing because he makes like, Oh, just, I don't remember what the fuck it actually is. It's what school did they go to? It's like fast times at Ridge Mahi.

Oh, that's a fast time in it. He's like, that's not John Hughes thing. It's like, that's not John Hughes because he's being, there's an earpiece feeding to Ben Mendelsohn of these dorks telling them what movies are. And it's just like, oh, I love movies. I'm just, you know, I crack a tab, listen to Duran Duran and watch Shermer, Illinois's based movies by John Hughes. I wanted to fucking throw up. I really did. That sequence of him saying that line of, I wanted to throw the fuck up.

It's just like, come on. That doesn't make you a cool or interesting person. It's 2045, you're not drinking fucking tab anywhere. Maybe they brought it back. We're bringing back tab. There's the new secretary of Homeland Security, this can of tab. There's a little bit of weird. Okay, so I paid some coins to Miss Pac-Man.

Shut up about it. We're making jolt again. Folks. Did anyone see the retro bag of Doritos in this movie? I did, but it was IRL. It was IRL. That's what I mean. That's what's weird. Because nostalgia has poisoned American culture and the worldwide culture to the point where...

A 60-year-old bag of Doritos? No, we're just... Everything is now the 80s. Those are back. Those are back, Steve. They're back? Yes. They're back?

I've waited so long. No. But like, that's what's going to happen is all the designs are going to come back. Like how Crystal. Pepsi's back to kind of now, right? I think that's been in fucking surge. It's just nostalgia poison. And we can never go forward as a society

because we keep on jerking off in the back. Well, that's because we're all nerd porn are to auters now here. I know. I can't believe that poem. I'm sure this podcast is a nerd porn thing too. And I get that. And I just, I know. There's a big difference between a cheerleader of skirt and a schoolgirls

sucker. Oh, absolutely. That's really important. So the little compound with these freedom fighters gets raided by IOWI. Artemis is kidnapped and put into one of these workstations. The only bit of characterization we get about her is that the same exact thing happened to her father and he was worked to death. So she's like sentenced to the same type of fate. And it's kind of an interesting thing because we're talking about debt, but we're not talking about debt.

Because that's debtor's prisons. It's an interesting thing to really explore and they squander that opportunity. Well, it also, like, I don't understand. So she goes into this, the oasis, and she's, like, putting bombs or something into, like, it's like construction. Were these planets built by people, or were they just created by fucking? It's mining Bitcoin. And keep in mind, the end game to this is to prevent them from putting pop-up ads into this video game. That's what all of this is basically predicated.

Yes. And, well, in the book, it's, it's, they're all, they're, uh, When you go into the camps, what you're doing is fucking customer service, which makes a lot much, way more sense. Yeah, it does. Because that would be phone, I mean, call centers make up. Well, I think you have to build some of this shit because one of the, I mean, one of the things that we're told and we see at the, the climax of the movie is Lena Waith has been working on building her own iron giant. Oh, right.

Is the deal. So you can construct things. I don't know why she's moving bombs all, though. I don't understand that. This is when Lena Waith shows up in the movie for Eye, R.L. She's been a man the whole time and whoops, she's a woman and it's like, whoa, that's interesting, but it's not because we don't

talk about it at all. Like, it's like this weird thing is like, oh, you're you? Cool, which is fine. It's cool to be accepting, but I think she's a lesbian in the book and that makes more like, even talk about that a little bit. Movie, it's fucking the year 2018. Well, she tries to, earlier in the film, like,

hint to Wade's character. Like, so H. says to Parsival. Like, you know, hey, man, you can't tell people because he's like oh i think i'm falling in love with artemus and age age is like you can't do that because you don't know this person you know it could be a 300 pound dude for all you know

it could or so the thing that she says though is like or it could be someone living in their mom's basement in suburban Detroit so then when they meet iRL you know she's like like a person living in their mom's basement in suburban Detroit and wade's fucking beanie flies off his head you never know you could be in love with a man that would be really awful for you, right? Would that even be

a thing in 2040? People would be having affairs on this program forever. You know what I mean? Like gender wouldn't even make a difference in that world. If we were realistically talking or like representing what this insane Oasis idea would be, you're correct. But the fact that

this whole thing is like totally devoid of any of that, that's why it's shocking to them. Yeah, exactly. Right? Because no, but in this movie, the movie representation of the oasis, no one's really fucking. Unless you go to that one hotel planet that's apparently like four rooms.

It's like the fucking motel from Schitt's Creek. It's that big. You'll get a virus, though. Well, they do show when they're dancing, she like touches his crotch while they're dancing. And a bunch of coins fall out. It just like it gets like flamed on his like. Because he's wearing this super suit

where like he can feel when she touches him. That's where it goes orange. Oh, right. And she touches his dick for a second. It goes orange and he nuts. Oh, yeah. We got to stop dancing for a minute. I got to clean up. All right.

That suit vacuums it up. Oh, yeah. It probably recycles it too. Yes. So the end stage of this movie is the last thing is in the castle and castle doom, wherein there's an Atari game that you have to play. Hannigan or whatever the fuck his name is, Hardell? Oh, Sorrento.

Saladale? Oh, I thought you were talking about Mark, or you are talking about Mark Relo. Mark Relo. holiday you have to play his favorite you have to figure out what his favorite Atari game is and play it the right way to win Avenger Avenger and Sorrento puts a big force field in front of this castle so no one else can get in it and this is when What's His Face gives a stupid impassioned speech about blah-bitty-blah and who could care less

This motherfucker gives like three impassioned speeches in this movie And all of them fall flat on their fucking face This kid suck. I mean, like, he's in that X-Men movie of Cyclops, but he has nothing to do in those movies. He's good in other movies. He's really good to Rick Albertson's entertainment. He's great in. His character, this is just white toast.

Yes. Wait a second. And not even that toast. He's the lightly toasted. His opener. The mime opener. Oh, is he really? Yeah, that's him.

Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah, he actually is pretty good in that movie. But, like, yeah, it's nothing to do because it's just like, I'm the white guy and I know where to go. And everyone's like, yay, white guy. Yeah. So, like, they get to the movie. this fucking castle. His whole thing is like, if you guys help me get this fucking $500 billion

will be cool, I promise. It's like, no. Well, they're all fighting for not to have pop-up ads. That should be his thing. His thing should be like, dude, I'm going to get $500 billion. I'm going to share it with everybody. Come on. Also, maybe if a game, if I lose it, I become enslaved. I don't play that game, right? I mean, this whole premise is just rotting my brain. Yeah. It drives you nuts. And, like, they name drop shit like Twitch. And I'm like, well, okay, so where's all the legions of celebrity gamers along with Wade Watts? Exactly.

Why is it just him? Because he's the white guy, Chris. Okay, that's a fair point. The prince that was promised. He's the one. He's a Luke Skywalker. He's, you know, he's, you know. And then because we have a really cool.

He's that arm motion that's saying, ah, forget about it. I was thinking more about this arm motion. Oh, yeah. The pop culture, Bazinga, awesome, outrageous. We get fucking twisted. sister dudes. We're not going to take it because guess what guys, they're not going to take it.

Totally. As it turns out, they've decided not to take it anymore. Loop, pop-up video. Pop-up video. I love all awesomely 80s outrageous, cool fun. By the way, do you want to see my ex-girlfriend?

I locked her up in the shining. Can I get the cat from the Paula Abdul video? Bye, Avatar. So there's this big fucking Lord of the Rings fight, man. Awesome 80s outrageous, I buried my mother in a cave. My mother was mean to me, and I put her 10 leagues under the sea in the Ghostbusters mansion. Oh, I had an argument with my mean father, so I skinned him alive like Agent Parenthood. Hembry in silence of the lambs and strung them up like an angel.

Yes, yes, I'm the one who put all the razors and the apples. I'm that one person who did it. Worship me, children. This is when, yeah, we get Batman. There's fucking the Ninja Turtles. There's definitely a battle toad. Yes. I think there's three of them.

He's here. Jason's here. This is Elena Weath has the horrendous line, activate the Iron Giant. I almost shit my pants. It's all just so the fucking terrible. The Gundam is almost cool. And Mecca Godzilla shows up.

Which is piloted by IRS played by Ben Mendelsso. Yes. It was weird when the Mecha Godzilla thing happens because it's all like Ben Mendelssohn's little avatar does something and it starts building itself. But it was all green and I was like

oh, is this green lantern technology? I was like, oh, is this the green Paralanger? That's a dragon, too. I thought it was going to be a lime green, Kia Sorrento. Oh, man, if those fucking Kia hamsters are farting around this movie. Oh, fuck, yes.

Blow them up, turn them into coins. Early 2000s, outrageous. Dude. Oh, awesomely outrageous. It's the B from B movie. Hang 10,

fellow children. Oh, would you look at that? It's Sherlock. No. so we're fighting and fucking t j miller does get his arm ripped off by the crawl thing yes um you know uh blah blah blah the the show actually turns into a gundum and kind of sacrifices himself at this point sort of kind of he fights the mecha godzilla i think is the yeah but he does die and loses all of his worldly possessions and then like mecha godzilla has like i guess he's got like a he's going to blow up the world or something

he's got a special super bomb that was laid out beforehand when they were shopping and they bought the Zemecas cube Oh right they did use that earlier I think they use it in the dance club to get away from the I.O.I. agents and it's a

fucking it's a ridiculous he's like it's a it's a Rubik's cube that they call the Zemeca's cube and he solves it and the thing blowed up or whatever and when it does they launch into the score from back to the future. Hey, Stephen, I loved a writer-player one. I think I must have gone to the bathroom whenever the helm of Lucas was mentioned, or maybe the Lucas

gauntlet, maybe. I definitely saw Zemeckis had something. Zemeckis has enough. It's fucking crazy that he's a contemporary of these people. It's like if I made a movie like that was crazy and audacious and I had the SADAC cube, I mean, would you be okay with that? You would have to fucking ask me first. Do you think he did? Do you think this was all run by Zemeckis and everything? I guess because the Dolorians in there. Maybe it's in the book.

I don't know. But like Zemeckis, I don't think has any say over if you license the DeLorean. That's universal pictures. Is my fucking hearing aid going out of? Did I not hear my name mentioned in Ready Player 1? I am about to go blow my fucking stack right now, Stephen. Hey, Stephen, I saw the scene where they go to the used car lot called Harrison's

fords. No, George, I had you in there. You were one of the battle toads. I will not be made a fool

of. I am not a battle toad, Stephen. Fuck off. Yeah, my goblet. Oh, yeah, fuck off.

Fuck you. Fuck you, Mr. Fuck. Yeah, you're real tough on the phone, I bet.

Stephen, I saw the Brian de Palma sex planet. So he was in there. He's talented. You're not.

the couple of wine vineyards are there Stephen the fuck at least he gets people drunk there would be so many Darth Vader's in this fucking oh my god every third person would be Darth Vader that's the thing if you could fucking repeat the shit that's what I'm talking about right different color lightsabers

so yeah he does blow up and the idea is he's going to blow up everybody because our hero boy is about to get the things he's like it on rather everyone die instead but what he does is he didn't realize that either Ernest Klein or

Red Scott Pilgrim or this movie watched Scott Pilgrim because they just do the same thing where he has an extra life Oh wow you're totally right I forgot about that I haven't seen Scott Pilgrin in the middle of the movie gives him a coin and he's like oh cool coin that's nice but it actually is an extra life which lets him come back and then he does the thing

He understands by the way he cracks because the little pop culture scientists are trying to figure out what the fuck and they're like well it can't be Avenger he just beat it and there's a little arcade tower

and it's set on like a frozen lake and if you play the wrong game you fall through it so then like dude awesomely it is outrageous you need Christopher Walker to be like the ice is gonna break yeah totally dude 83 it was right there Dead Zone was right in front of their dumb face

it's not about winning it's about finding the Easter egg right exactly the game name, which is the first Easter egg in gaming history. And this motherfucker is doing this shit and just

spelling out, like move by move. And it's like he thought that you shouldn't play video games to win. You should play video games to have fun. So you got to walk the fuck around and what, and by the way, he does this

all in like under a minute. This should be him just slaving over this tower for hours. like getting carpal tunnel like all right I'm almost there now I got to do the thing now I got to walk left left left up oh I fucked it up I got to start all over in the real world they're driving around in a mail truck

and the woman from Ant Man's going to get them and this is where I thought like okay this is a team because she jumps into the car and she's trying to fight everybody IRL yeah and everyone other than the white kid chips in and beats her up but gets the white kid has to have the last kick to get her out of the car and it's like

can't they have anything can't anyone else do anything in this movie without fucking falling over themselves over Ty fucking Sheridan? Yeah no and it's even rubbing it in harder because it's two Asian kids a woman

and then there's a black lesbian driving the car and it's just like no no no no no white cisgendered heteroman is going to kick this chick out the band I saved it I saved you in the real world and in the game I saved you

whilst having a fucking visor over my head submerged in a totally different world, but I still somehow had the instinct to kick her out of the van. The only pos- Aegee, super cool, Kawabunga slice of pizza. The only cool thing about that instance, though, is the way they execute like that stunt, or there's probably some CG involved. She totally hits that pavement hard, though. It's a good little action move.

So we wind up in his So he wins the thing And there's another test Where he's got to sign a contract He's like This isn't real This is fake or something And then

This is the creepiest part of the movie When he goes into his childhood Back of the fuck Yep He goes into his child We're in Mark Rallens's childhood bedroom You know what it looks like Speaking of Planet of the Apes

It looks like the house In that first new Planet of the Apes movie Where like Lithgow's living Yeah It reminded me of that house. Oh, yeah, with a cool bay window. It reminded me a little of hiding out with John Cryer. You guys never see hiding out?

I never saw it. You got a fucking bone up, dudes. Is it awesome? It's so 80. I thought you were on a misguided steakout. Oh, it's 80s. You know, couldn't Mark Rylance live on, like, Lucas Street? Like, wouldn't that be something?

Just a street, man. You know what? I got dinner, George. How about death? Star Boulevard Rolls right off the tongue. Walking down, Death Star Boulevard. Look at all the prostitutes.

Space prostitutes, man. They don't do it for me because they're not little girls that know games. And IG8 says do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Oh, fuck man. So it's his whole test about like he's like here you go sign it over, you win.

And you know, this Ty Sheridan fucker. He's just like, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, the oasis should be for everyone. I don't want to own this. And he's like, oh, good, I just had to check tubular. And he fucking pulls this Easter egg out of his ass and gives it to him. Yeah, it's an actual egg he lays. And it's glowing gold.

And it's just like, oh, oh, are you dead? He's like, well, yes, I am. So what is this that I'm dealing with? Wouldn't you like to know? And he grabs his younger self. And he's like, I'm going to go fuck myself down. Dude, that's the thing. The hero of this world exits the movie with the intention of molesting himself.

I'm just going to take this small child version of me and leave this attic with him. Don't follow us. Awesomely outrageous, 80's awesome, cow upon the pizza roll. Talk to you soon. I think what they tried to set up there, and they could have just said it because, like, we have no real understanding of how far technology's gone he could have just been like

yeah man I totally you know uploaded my conscience into this talk to you later gonna go diddle my 12 year old self here stupid magic at one point I forgot where but we do hear that

this is kind of unrelated but kind of related that this dude's favorite food is hot pockets and his favorite restaurant is Chuckie cheese which dude older dude never married favorite restaurant chucky cheese kind of kind of weird we do all yeah that's one date that lady went on and then she was fucking doomed for eternity to be in the shining do you think

that fucking date was okay so we know the movie it was the shining uh was dinner at chucky cheese dude chucky cheese the shining double bill i think that's why he built this VR thing because they won't let you into chucky cheese without a kid yeah i'll have to build my own Chuckie cheese. Then I can play all the games. I think that date ended like the date from little children. Yeah. Oh yeah, dude. Here's how this shit ends,

by the way. It's fucking Patrick Swayze's character and Donnie Darko man. Fucking quote unquote kitty porn dungeon. Jesus Christ. We do, just because I said it's a Chuckie a bunch. Oh, yeah. There's the Chuckie scene which I'm literally getting, it

worked for a while and some movies pull it off and a lot of movies don't. the one fuck you get in a movie. Yeah. Where Chucky comes out, like it's an upgrade. Somebody throws Chucky at all these I-O-I guys and they cut to the one guy's like,

it's fucking Chucky! And I'm like, no. No, he rips the dude off. Like, Chucky lands on this guy and he rips him off and goes, fuck Chucky. Okay. But even still, I just, some movies make it work.

Some movies, it hits like a thud. I felt this one worked. Minus five points for having Chuckie in this movie. This one worked for me, though, because fuck Chucky indeed. I hate that. guy. Did Brad Durf get a check, you think? For, uh-huh.

It certainly wasn't for the likeness. Well, yeah, because they don't even get right. There is no, uh, there's like, he's giggling. Yeah. Oh, is he laughing? Yeah, it's like a high voice thing. Oh, that's stupid. So whatever, he wins the thing.

Mark, uh, what, the other guy, uh, Ben Mendelso's about to shoot him in the fucking head. Fuck you, Sorrento. IRL, right? IRL. And then all of a sudden, the actual police show up and I'm like, there is police in this world? I just thought I-O-I was also the police

and the government or something. Yeah, exactly. When the police are like, drop it. I'm like, and they look like the police, I'm like, oh, okay. I had no idea of police existed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what, that's the fucking sirens

should be that dude, because totally tubular us of 80s. It makes no sense. Yeah, so that the fucking police would actually arrest like this corporate powerhouse, right? This guy's like a CEO of the world. Absolutely.

No one's pulling up and putting fucking, like Les Moonvez into the back of a fucking cop car. And how cool would that be? Mike Pearl Motor could fucking shoot somebody in the street, man. It wouldn't matter. It would not matter. White collar crimes go unpunished and they forever will. But it's so weird. So he gets arrested and this kid wins the fucking trillion dollars.

He splits it like four ways, kind of, sort of with his buddies. But you don't know how that, you don't really. that happened. He tells you it happened. You don't really see that happen. Yeah, I would like to share this with my clan. Yeah. Here's a, you know what? Here's an 80 bucks. It's a lot. You get a lot of pizza rolls with that pal. He decides to shut down the oasis on Tuesdays and Thursdays because now he's the sole proprietor of it in order to, you know, scrub up that come. Yeah. Fucking a chair. That's what that's what it ends. The whole point of this all was him to be able to finally fuck his girlfriend in a chair.

Why do you think I read that poem? That's what this movie is. That poem is this movie. It's framed, you know, like to, like, people need to spend more time in the real world. Well, fucking clearly, you should just end the oasis. But he doesn't even like,

he's like, oh, we closed the, whatever. We close the, the detention centers. I promise, I was the first thing, first thing in office, first day in office. There's definitely a black site somewhere. Oh, totally. But he's not like, oh, and I use this incredible insane wealth

no human being should have and I got rid of the stacks and I built a low income housing thing for them and I whatever I fixed the fucking water power thanks Thomas Wayne I fixed the water problem in Flint Michigan finally 50 years later by the way any fucking guy that runs a fortune 500 company could have fixed the water in Flint and it wouldn't even matter to no yeah but they've refused to and they won't because it's good capitalism Eric that's what it's all about that's he's the good guy he's he's the guy that has all the cool ideas awesome 80s outrageous. There's a thing though when he's back in the oasis

when he's talking to the Halliday avatar in the attic and Halliday's like by the way there's a totally tubular awesome 80s red button here and if you press it it erases all of the oasis and then like this is when the van chase thing is happening so like

he's falling over because he's falling over in real life and he almost presses it and I was like this should end with him erasing this right and then It's like shown and never comes back. Right, exactly. It should be a thing where it's just like,

it should be mentioned earlier in the movie, right? We always heard that Halliday developed a dead, or kill switch or something like that. And the end of the movie is he does it. Everybody goes outside. Instead, he's just like, it's closed two of the seven days a week. And I close most of the detention centers.

What else do you want? Yes, I now have half a trillion dollars, but I can't be giving money away. I cannot believe this movie ends like this. What is this Venezuela? Oh, God. They're eating garbage. This movie's like the pop culture shit.

No, you know what? That is too precious. We can't lose that. We need to still go in this game world. Everything should be erased and he should be reading a book that hasn't been adapted into a movie or a television show. Yeah, he should be, he should pull out a book and it should say publication day 2045.

Yes. And we get on with our fucking live. Maybe it's even called Ready Player 1. He's like, wow, I wrote a book about my experiences. No, it's like Lewis Chabon's second novel. Like Michael Chabon. Oh, oh, okay. Oh, his grandson.

Yeah, so he's totally fucking rich and he kind of does people of favor, but not really, and that's the end of the movie. The amazing adventures of Ready and Play. Yep, there you go. Kid and Play should have been in this movie. Oh, yes. Oh totally. You know why? Because it's black pop culture. It's got to be white,

awesibly outrageous only. Yeah, you ain't going to be having any house party references either, man. Yeah, that's why we didn't get any crisscross or ski low. Oh, man, at the end of the third challenge, a giant Cosby comes out and you have to fucking destroy him. Oh, that would be pretty cool. Just watch him torn asunder. I want extra points for Ben Mendelson getting rocked in the nuts at some point. Oh, right. Yes. There was my nerds. In the fucking thick of it all, dude. We stop everything for a classic norts kick. That lets you know that if you get

kicked in the, if you get stomped in the nuts in the game, you get stomped in the nuts in real life. You know what that's going. You get stumped in the game, you get stumped for real. Squarsh those nuts, man. I feel like we talked about half of this movie. Pop my grapes!

There's too much going on. It's a rich tapestry that no one should ever approach. Which brings to my the question, would anybody recommend this movie? Oh, man, eat my... Let's go to a fucking cold gray field and eat

my hot shit movie. How about that? Because I got no time. Can I do that in the oasis? Yes. Oh my God, I can eat Steve Sadek's shit in the OAS. That's a whole planet. Oh, man, Sadec planet. Thanks, but no thanks. Game over, man. Keep flying. Yeah, no.

Keep flying. Go to the next one. No, I say no to that. I really dislike this movie. I didn't find it to have... The Shining Thing is kind of fun. there's a little, like I said, I perked up at the Batman thing. Like, again, I'm a nerd, but I hate being spoon-fed stuff

that I'm supposed to like and it's in an un-paddable form. See a Big Bang Theory. Well, and also, I mean, he said, yeah, don't watch this movie. Please, you know, ever. But, like, that's just the thing. Why would, if that is your purpose,

if your whole thing is like, I want you to recognize shit on screen. Sure. How do you defend yourself after that? Like really? I don't know. Like, I want, my grand cinematic experience is to fucking, oh, I saw a thing I already

saw before. Yeah. You're right, Chris. I think Spielberg should be exiled like Napoleon to some remote island after this. I really detested this. And I agree with Steve that it's just inorganic. Yeah. You know, like if you want to do pop culture references, it's got to come from some place.

It can't just be like every it's like this full frontal assault And I just disliked it And I say watch Tron instead Because it's totally 80s That is a totally tubular 80s movie Yeah I hate this I hated it the first time

I hated it the second time And was bored It doesn't feel like a Spielberg movie either Does it? It doesn't except for the bad father There's no like wonder or like In the trailer it's like They have that like Willy Wonka score

Like kind of slow Yeah And there's a bunch of slowmost stuff like, oh, this is kind of a Spielberg movie. I'm sorry, I stepped on your thing. No, you're right. It doesn't at all. I'm also going to go on record and say that this is not a hangover movie by any of stretch of the imagination.

And I think what you should do, because really, I'm not a fan of crossovers. This is like the ultimate crossover, right? I also don't like, you know, when the Jetsons met the Flintstones, that was also a bit forced. Right? So, like, I don't care for this stuff. It's all just like, it's a two and a half hour where's Waldo map. it's obnoxious and I think what you should do is just go to the IMDB page for this movie

go to the connections section and just look at all the shit that they reference and then just watch that stuff on its own because all of these like sick refs are just like soulless dumb things and I'm sure like some of the things that are referenced here you haven't seen yet window dressing it's all window dressing

so just go and enjoy the thing that the window dressing is made out I will also say it is okay to like a movie sure and if that you know if this is what does it you. I mean, we can read nerd poetry all night long. Exactly. So you should just go buy stock in some hand cream companies because there is about to be a major shortage. But we hate it. It's okay to like it. I don't think you should. But, you know, it's totally fine. It's totally fine. Can I ask you, is this his worst? Spielberg? Yeah. I would, in terms of rather rewatch, maybe the terminal. Maybe it's between

this and the terminal, but I feel like it's there. The terminal is actually really bad. But the terminal is about people, at least. Yeah. You've got that little silver nugget. I don't know, Chris. That's a tough one now that the terminal has been brought to light. And Hook is not very good, but at least Hook's kind of fun and feels like something.

That has wonder. Yeah. That has a different wonder. That's a Spielbergian shit. I'm like going through the list here. I don't know. I really think it is. I think this is bottom.

I think this is a bottom. Oh, yeah. It is, and I hate that movie. I don't mind it. I didn't see. always? Always is better. I didn't see that, so. It's got Richard Dreyfuss. I mean, we could be here

all night. The point is, this was a, this was a fucking wet fart for Speerberg. You know what, Stephen? It was your worst movie. That's, that. That's that. That's that, motherfuck. Oh, yeah. I made it to 2018. You bought him out in 2000. Fuckhead. I just, you know. God damn it, Stephen. I just want

a cape of Lucas or something. Oh, just because I'm so, oh, because Jar Jar Jar wasn't in it. That's your problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They would have let you had to hear him. George. For a fucking song. George, don't you have a fucking wife?

Go home and get off the phone with me. That's Ready Player 1, directed by Stevens Bealberg. If you want more, we 8 movies, check out WHMpodcast.com. Thank you so much for continuing to support our Patreon endeavor. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadat. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisken.

Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.