We Hate Movies - Unlock the Vault - Man of Steel

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

On this week's episode, the gang turns their key and unlocks the vault for a special presentation of their Man of Steel episode! Previously released on their Patreon feed only, this episode has the guys pondering why we couldn't have a Krypton prequel movie with Russell Crowe, why Superman keeps having to hitch-hike everywhere, and whether this movie had a vendetta against the IHOP chain of family restaurants? PLUS: The origin of the WHM Sound Board bit. MM-MM-PATRICKWILSON. MM-MM--PATRICKWILSON... VERAAAAA FAAAAAARMIGAAA! To access hours and hours of additional exclusive content like this, head over to our Patreon page and subscribe now! Sign up today to Unlock the Vault! Man of Steel stars Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Diane Lane, Russell Crowe, Laurence Fishburne, Christopher Meloni, Richard Schiff, Harry Lennix, and Kevin Costner; directed by Zack Snyder. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. Hello everyone and welcome to this special Unlock the Vault edition of We Hate Movies. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Eric Siska, Stephen Sadek, and Christopher Cabin, all in quarantine, of course. Yeah, that's funny. We're all, we're in the vault and we're letting stuff out of it. We're trying to make room for us in the vault. Making room for air to breathe also. Please don't hurt the Superman. Please just take us. Keep us. This is an unlocked episode of our previously. released on Patreon only man

of steel never before offered to the public in this free fashion but we're just we're playing a little bit of ketchup here wheeling and dealing with this fucking virus outside so we just needed a week of ketchup so we decided hey man

this is a great episode that had a good response to it so we're offering it to you guys on the free feed this week Eric there's another reason we're doing this what's that reason? Oh the reason is we have the Justice League commentary. We have a commentary track to the Justice League that is out

now. You can check out a preview of it on YouTube.com slash we hate movies but it is on Patreon at the $8 level and if you unlock that you unlock everything including this Man of Steel episode but not but there's tons and tons of other full length episodes on there. Record it in

studio like you like it and it'll be just just sign up folks. Yeah we got a ton of great stuff on there. We've done episodes we used to do a we hate movies feed that was this. We did an episode on Bright. Jungle the jungle is on there. Forest Gump. Forest.

Forest. Forest Gump. He's tested positive. He is. Yes, he did. And now it's turned into a we love movies feed. So on that feed, you'll get an episode on Star Wars and Return of the Jedi. Yeah, Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back. There is. Is on the free feed. We've done it. See, this is the thing.

I mean, we've got so much fucking content. We're mixing it up what's where. We don't even know what we've done. And actually, I'm going to announce it right now. I'm announcing it. Oh, shit. Do it. Coming in April this month, this month that we're in now, we're going to be releasing on this feed, a never before and done episode on John Carpenter's The Thing. That's right. And that is going to coincide with the episode, the brand new episode you will hear next week, which is John Carpenter's vampires. A great movie. Absolutely. Totally great. Well, I'll say this, Chris Cabin, as far as I know. yes Daniel Baldwin's best movie

it might be true it might just be true absolutely it's not pornography so it counts oh he's counting it if it is dude so that's it please enjoy this episode of Man of Steel patreon.com slash we hate movies

for more titles and stick to this free feed of course for new episodes every Tuesday and every Monday and Thursday during this obnoxious COVID-19 time we're all living in Melro 210. Twice a week we are talking about episodes of Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210.210. The response to that so far has been really great. You guys are digging on that.

So if you haven't checked that out yet, that is on this very feed where you got this episode as well. Gentlemen, am I forgetting anything else? No, that's it. Except, you know, have fun out there. In there. Have fun in there. Thank you, Chris Cabin. Stay the fucking side. It's deep. All right. Here we go, gang. Man of Steel. We'll catch you next week with vampires. Enjoy. On this one's bonus episode of We Hate Movies, we're talking about that first Zach Snyder's superhero fiasco. It's Man of Steel. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. I'm Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning in, as always. Thank you for subscribing to our Patreon. I'm just digging out from all the tweets Actually Watchmen came out before Man of Steel I just want to All of the tweets could stop You know what? Everybody knew what I fucking meant I know but I'm just letting you know

Well yeah yeah you meant the DC Yeah and that's a move by the way The Watchman is a movie that's Ultimately totally forgettable I will never watch that movie again Why would you? I saw once in the theaters It was like me Steve Steve's brother's girlfriend at the time

Yeah man And we all kind of left the theater like, like just nothing. Nobody had anything to say. It's chattering indifference. The first time I saw your brother's speechless, that's for sure. I think it's his best movie, though, right? It is.

It is. I would agree with that. I don't know. I don't know. That fucking hallelujah. Yeah. I think it's his best movie. But like Eric, if it's not his best movie, like, what else are we dealing with?

Dawn of the Dead. Oh, actually, that's true. Dawn of the Dead is his best movie. I don't know. What are you, then what is it, Cabin? I think it's watch. I said watchman. I stick with watch.

You know what? You guys, we all sound the same. I can't, I can't figure out. I think, yeah, I would give watchman like a C plus and I would give Don maybe a C or a C minus. It's fine. I would rather rewatch Watch Watchman than. I think I'd rather watch Manus Steel. Oh, wow.

Okay, so it's okay to like a movie, everyone. I actually think the first like half of this movie is decent. and then it really just shits the bed so hard. I think so, too. It turns out of rock'em-sock-a-robots. Any and all story just goes away. Airplanes falling out of the sky? What am I watching?

By the way, this is from 2013, directed by Zach Snyder. And by the way, this is written by David S. Goyer, who also wrote Blade Trinity. Good, good, good, Goyer. You just got Goyard. That is. You just got Goyard.

I like these cues we got on that. Yeah, all that Patreon money, We got this new sound machine. Man, if there was a soundboard... If this was a soundboard show, it would be an annoying show. Like, more annoying than this show already is. Talk, ta-t-t-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta- I'm doing it.

Exactly. No, man, we're going to get an Arnold soundboard and make some prank calls now. How are you? Patrick Wilson. Patrick Wilson. I'm a cop, you idiot. Spendulthorsin.

Okay. Now that you... unsubscribed from Patriots. Smart move, by the way. Ban Mendelssohn. Exactly. Yeah, I don't know. This is one of those, like, where to begin.

Everybody knows this is just the Superman story. I can tell you my experience seeing this movie, which includes something about this that I think we need to talk about. Oh, let's do it. It was the only screening I've ever been like genuinely late to. because the fucking trains in a story went down. Surprise. And that theater blew up.

And you just survived by the skinnier teeth. So I am running. Where's the, where's the screening? The 66th AMC, I forget if it's an AMC or a regal. Okay, what screen is it, though? It's the big one. Number one? You're talking about Lincoln Square?

Yeah, the Lincoln Square 66. It's a lows. Did you have to go to the bathroom? I did not. Did you get popcorn? I did not. What do you want to know if I got sourpatch? kids.

How are you watching a movie with a popcorn? Are you wearing shorts or are you not wearing? I am wearing shorts. Okay, good. It was the summer. It was summertime. Thank you for your popcorn. All right.

Let's go on with the story. I was running, running, running. And I was like, oh, God, I'm going to be late. Oh, God, I'm going to be late. Oh, God. I get into the theater. I'm like, oh, maybe I'm not going to be late. And I see, I stop dead.

Because I see that fucking standee of Man of Steel with the National Guard. Oh, wow. They're all. Men of Steel. And you, if you're a National Guardsman, you can't get shot and die. Dude, isn't it fucked up how we do that shit? It is. Like, we do that at the fucking NFL all the time. Just this bullshit, like, recruiting thing. Like, hey, dude on the couch. How about you sacrifice your time, energy, and potentially your life for the United States? Are you ready for some propaganda? Exactly. They made a whole, like, documentary series about, like, Jack Snyder, like, followed National Guardsmen

for a whole campaign to go along with Man of Steed. How much three doors down is in that documentary? Probably a lot. Yeah, what was that song? Citizen Soldier? Superman, a kryptonite. You can call me Superman. If I'm alive, well, you be a down there holding my hands.

It's raining outside while we're shooting this video, yeah. Patrick Wilson Patrick Wilson Bureau for Miga So we open on Krypton Yeah we do This is a good sequence I'm against it

I'm against it as well All right Okay so it's Fitty Fitty Yes it's Fitty Fitty I actually liked this stuff I don't know why I do love beige avatar No way

It looks better than beige avatar I'll tell you what I watched it in 4K HDR I think that shit is stunning I would watch the fucking Zod Jorrell prequel. I really would. I think that Patrick Wilson... Now you've done it. Incorrect statement.

Not Patrick Wilson. No, I think that Russell Crowe is good as Jorrell. Yes. And that is the end of it. That's about right. Do you don't like any of the production design? Does it not match anything in the comic books? No, I mean, it's close to some of the comic stuff.

I don't, here's the thing, I don't understand in societies when we can fly why we're riding dragons, like, it's the fucking Flintstones. Do we like, strapped together eagles to fly? Like, how do you get around? Them flying themselves? Because they can't fly on Krypton. Yes, no, I mean, they have machines that let them fly.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. I thought you meant like, oh, no, no, no. When Earth affects them and... I will give you that, that Jorrell riding the dragon is the little prequel E, Star Wars prequel. And there's a fucking outright bantha. in one of the scenes, they're just like,

which are living. And you know what? They did more with those things than the prequels did. Sure. Yes, it is very prequel-esque. But, like, I don't know.

I find it watchable. I found it watchable the only other time I saw this movie, which was in the theater. Did it. My wife was very mad. I dragged it to this movie because I was,

I've talked about this before, but I came out totally like with Superman blinders on. It was like, that was great. That was fucking great. And she was like, I'm going to have dinner alone. Smart lady.

I saw this I thought it was okay with the intention that the next one was going to be better and then the next one was the worst movie I had to review this

and it was the most when I was at Slant and it was the most read article also about 55 different versions of how I'm going to get raped and killed

in the comment section over this thing the internet's terrible I guess I mean it's Patreon we could list them all I could out all these people I guess yeah we open up

on Krypton. It's Jorrell going out in front of the council. He's like, hey guys, by the way, it's Krypton. You know what happens on Krypton, right? You guys have seen these other movies, right? So I got a question for you, Steve. I thought this was perplexing. And maybe I heard something wrong. I was like, I'm not rewinding this fucking two and a half hour movie. You can't turn back, dude. That's the thing. They mined coal? They said Krypton. They were mining coal and Jorel's like, he's all. like, well, mining all that coal was a mistake. You mined too much. I don't think they used the word coal. I thought they did. I think I might have heard coal as well. I thought I misheard it as well. And it's the exact same thing where I was like, I'm not rewining this.

But maybe it was Coel. Yeah. That's just because, hey, man, it's me, Coel. Oh, I'm going to get my job back one of these days. They're closed all the Coel mines. Is Jorel like Jerome and he's just Jory to everyone else? Well, L is the last name. Is it?

House of L, yeah. House of L, dude. That fucking S is. You probably just call him, Joe. Hey, Joe, what do you want? Oh, like, Jay. You lost another dragon last week. Let me get you another dragon.

Fuck me, Jory. Fuck me, jury. I don't know. That's what Laura's saying. Laura L or whatever. That's what Lara's yelling. Is it Laura? Yeah, I think it's Lara.

I think it's Laura Zorrell, actually. Oh, she hyphenated. Good for her. What about Zuel? Oh, that's the destroyer. Yeah, I think it's kind of hilarious that he has to go before this council and be like, you know what was a bad idea

tapping the core of this planet? That was probably a mistake. And they're all like, maybe. He's like, I got a great idea. What if we saved only my son? And everyone's like, fuck you. Get back in line. Well, there aren't any other kids

They're all pods They're all like little pod people Matrixy things But like what's the deal though Because they definitely make the statement That he's like the first Oh, it's the first natural birth Yeah, yeah that's what it's like demolition man Essentially

Like everybody's been doing the three seashells And then fucking Stallone wants to fuck Three Seashels is about your asshole and wiping it Oh I thought I just figured you did all the things With the three seashells That's not where babies come from Oh man From the bum?

No, so Jorrell is the one guy on Krypton Who thought to fuck Yes, that's what they're telling you Well, he's the world's greatest scientist, he's figured it out And Warrior That's true Is it just, he's the only person like not shooting blanks That's the other thing like

Or do people recreationally fuck Well, Steve goes Of course You can't have a society where people don't recreationally fuck That doesn't make any sense Are you sure because Zad is acting awfully backed up here That's a fucking insult yeah that's absolutely sure

I tried to date Laura Zor in high school 4 or whatever the fucker name is that rotten bitch Oh my god This is General Zod talking Is that what do you call it What about that little weird dark city

Nazi that's hanging around with Zod this entire movie I thought that guy was the secret ringleader Like it was going to be a Bain Talia Aal Zul thing Yeah yeah Because it was just like this dude like I think it's Zad comes in

and he's like the whole thing's tits up this happened or whatever he says like something went wrong with the plan and this guy's like well that's totally okay because we don't even need this anymore yeah yeah wait are you the mastermind who is this guy the scientist well because he also shit

talks Zad like right to his face oh wow don't you shut your stupid fucking mouth and he's like you're absolutely right onto the next part of it so he's the general maybe he's like the Secretary of Defense or something. He's the Colonel Klink. He looks like Stephen Miller, actually.

He's Kissinger. Oh, yes, of course. Well, he's not just saying, you don't have to worry, General, Zad, because the Vietnamese people are not in fact people. Oh, no, actually, Jarrell, we will not put your young baby

on that tree. It'll just be me. I must live forever. We're going to bring back Coel mining to Krypton. We're going to make Krypton great again. I mean, that's kind of what this movie is. It's a natural resources movie.

Yeah, like it all gets plundered. This Judy Dench lady is like, no, we're not going to let you do this. By the way, we open on actually Superman being birthed in a very laborious labor. Is that a CGI baby? Maybe. Look a little bit like a CGI baby. It goes off and on. I think there's some scenes.

No, there's definitely real baby later, but that first shot I was like, that's a CGI baby. I first said that there was three nipples. is like, ooh, what an interesting choice. It was a terrible omen for me that this opened. Like, remember the fucking, even Superman returns doing the whole like, ba-ba-da-ba, like big fucking thing. The first thing here, intense pain. Well, here's a thing.

This movie can have no joy. Zero joy to be had. That's the problem. It's grim and dark. It's a grimdirk. Is that the name of the thing he flies? Gagga, Grymdor. He comes.

He comes in, Shannon comes in as General Zod. He blasts Judy Dengel lady right down. Boy, oh boy, this old lady gets fucking wrecked. I love seeing a good military coup. And I feel like Zad is right here because these people have fucked the planet. Zad is totally right. He's like, wait, you're trying to tell me that you fucking started mining the core of this planet? What the fuck did you think was going to happen, Judy?

Jorrell should join him because he, Jorrell's just like, well, killing is wrong. These people killed the fucking planet That's exactly right Jorrell is a piece of shit What I don't understand I also don't understand Like when he sets up this fucking baby flight

It's the world's biggest spaceship That could fit a thousand people on it Well you need a bunch of like cushioning things So the baby doesn't fall all over the place You gotta see the baby You gotta protect the baby Or isorell you gotta come see the baby Jerry L and Elena are coming over

tomorrow. Oh, you think that's what happened? Like Laura Zorrell has the kid Jorrell goes to the meeting. She's putting all these pictures on Facebook of the baby. And all of a sudden but she's also putting a bunch of propaganda stuff about how the planet's going to be destroyed in a couple days

kind of thing? Yeah, I think so. She's doing both. You got to come out to Hampton and see the baby. It's the luxury moon. What everybody wants in this movie, which makes zero sense is the codex, which is our thing. Yes. Our McGuffin as a very smart codex. Now this is what the DNA of every Kryptonian? It's like a monkey skull with a bunch of shit on it. Yeah, why is it a monkey skull?

I mean, because you know, evolution. But in reality, it's a USB drive with a fucking Superman symbol on it. It's Gorilla Grod's skull. Oh, shit. They fucking did it, dude. They got them. Extradited to Krypton and executed it. all them Trump boys went and killed Gorilla Grod We have this skull And it will be our society Oh my God

Now we need every ruling member of Krypton To line up and jizz on this skull Because it's all the DNA Oh yeah That's what's weird It's like it's all the DNA from people from Krypton So I guess because the plan at the end of the day Is he's gonna terraform Earth

Yes General Zad is and recreate Krypton And then I guess like clone all those people people of that monkey skull that's weird yeah why bother how about new subjects he doesn't believe in that because he believes in eugenics oh that's right you you fucked your what hey you you you fucked your wife did you had sex with your wife wait is your wife is your wife a member of your family what about the bloodline well through marriage she is doesn't count you put your what where what just just just just

Please tell me she's your cousin. But please tell me that, at least. This is a war to fuck our cousins. Every time they kept saying codex with all these people on it, I just kept picturing rolodexes. Yeah. Remember rolodex? How about Philofax?

Oh, yeah. Wait a minute. So that whole, you just made me think, is this, is Earth and Krypton? Is this Shelbyville and fucking. Kind of a little bit, yeah. Like they want to marry their cousins. That's the whole fucking thing. They took our lemon tree.

We're going to earth And they get to a fight Because Jorrell, as we know, can fucking fight in this movie Jorrell's fucking fighting You better believe it He's got like he cuts Michael Shannon He fucks off on a dragon We get like a we get a

A heist scene of this monkey skull Which is very easy You just like have to dive Really far underwater Swim back up Steal that skull It's kind of like Legends of the Hidden Temple When I think about it

The computer makes a big deal like oh, if you go there, you will be severing the fucking thing. And like, it's, it's like a jog. A little, like, putty paddle. Well, no, the computer's like, hey, man, if you're doing this, it's going against, like, all laws of Krypton. Yeah. Russell Crow's, like, Krypton is dead.

Computer, have you not noticed all of this? Jesus Christ. Did you take a look outside? The fucking sky is burning. And then Zad, keep following him around. We finally get back to the house of L. We put the baby in the thing and the baby goes off. You know, and it's good.

I kind of like a nice big silver krypton for me, you know? And this is, this is what, copper? I'm trying to understand the difference. No, no, I'm just saying I enjoy the 1979 version of it. Where everything's just like gross and weird. It's awesome. Yeah, it's all right. It's a good, that's a good movie.

Oh, yeah, of course it is. It's better than Brian Singer's weird fucking crystal dreams. I mean, but the crystals were in the other movies too. Yeah, but wasn't it like more of a role in that second or in that Superman Returns movie? I haven't seen it in a while.

The weird thing about that movie, I actually really like that movie. I really like that movie. That movie is kind of what we do with the Star Wars movies now, which is like super faithful to what it's supposed to be. Like we're using the same musical cues. We're using, like we're setting it

in the same world, but back then, for some reason, it was like, ah, it's the same fucking thing. And I mean, like, I think people were wrong about that movie, personally. I do, too. Wrong? What was that Kevin Spacey line? Oh, well, yeah, that's the other thing, too, is like, it's kind of hard to be, like, what they, what the internet friends will call

a stand for that movie? He's like, what do you fucking go to watch Kevin Spacey? He was like, no, no, no. Wait, a what? A Stan. A super fan. A super fan. Like Eminem, Stan? The guy who wrote letters to him in his song. Wait, wait, so that's what that is derived from that. Yeah, I think so. And it's not from South Park Stan Marsh.

Not that I know of. But you might be right. No, I don't. Oh, I know Stan means extra super fan. It just makes sense to me that it would be an Eminem preference. Interesting, man. One, that's really stupid, but two, you'll be shocked to know. It turns out I don't listen to Eminem at all.

This was back when Eminem actually was like everywhere. I don't give a fucking. I was trying to listen to your Man of Steel podcast, and nowadays we call Superfans Glorps, and you're saying Stans, and I'm just saying it did it age well. Welcome back to your uncle explains the internet. No, but it's hard to be a super fan of that movie

because of the Kevin Spacey thing. Well, this was my theory about Kevin Spacey movies. We've talked about this at length, Steve Sadeck, that notion of, and it doesn't happen in Superman Returns. unfortunately. I feel like you can still gleefully watch any Kevin Spacey movie where he meets a brutal death at the end.

Oh, baby driver? Yeah, so we're talking baby driver. We're talking L.A. Confidential. Seven, absolutely. American Beauty. Spoiler alert, by the way. But unfortunately... My Nazi plate. That huge, like, Krypton Mountain

only falls and crushes Cal Penn. Well, yeah, I mean, but that... Superman turns is worse. Lex Luther gets away at that. Yes, he does. But like that's even, I mean, that's Kevin Spacey being directed by Brian Singer. That's like the Legion of Doom.

Yeah, actually, you're totally right. No, I mean, like, they fuck off. The baby goes away. Baby goes away. The dragon dies. Oh, that poor dragon's heart gives right out. It's like the fucking horse and true gris. As the cock ship is fucking raging through the...

Dude, have you seen these giant gondow dildo? I mean, we get to super dildo territory. Oh, my God. All the ships look like dicks. It's the dildo with like the suction cup on the bottom of it. You stick it on a table. Yes, that's just spaceships. That's just how they look like.

Eric, these were fucking seven gray, vainy cocks. What is it? The dreadnought does not look like a penis. This looks like a penis. This looks a lot like a penis because. I've seen some weird penises. Stop saying this. Say they because there's like a fucking dozen of them.

Because that's what Michael Shannon is. It's like sucked into it. Oh, no, you're turning into a dildo. Ah, fuck. Their punishment is to sit in a dildo inside a spaceship in the phantom zone. My God, what a punishment. Oh, my God. I'm trapped in a dildo for a millennia.

Shit, guerrilla, grot. No, gorilla, no, no, no. I would like to point out that many people would love to be trapped in a dildo. Yes. Or have a dildo trapped in them. And that's fine. But no, these look like dildos. So the baby gets away.

Zad kills Jorrell When this is This was a Robocop knife Yeah Robocop Which was kind of surprising But like man We had it just fucking curl up And die Jorrell

Like Russell Crow No line No anything He just falls over This is not the end of Russell Crow In this film I guess that's true But like do anything

No Why would you do anything When you can do nothing I mean he did He got his his child off the planet. What did he have left to live for? The place is blowing.

Yeah, that's true. They have the last meeting of Krypton Congress has to do with punishment. It's not like, what do we do with these records? How do we get anyone off? It's like, are the only people we're going to get off? Are these fucking criminals? As the world is ending, they get put into

dildos. It looks like they'll get frozen into dildos it seems. Well, I think it's like that weird, like jelly. Jelly thing comes up. and then the dildo closed around them. So you're stuck essentially in like a carbonite thing of lube that's like frozen. Sounds awesome.

Pod tear, we actually have like no energy left. Do we really need to put them, can't we just kill them? No, we will send them to the Phantom Zone, which is a fate worse than death, but I actually mean not because they'll live forever and we'll be dead in like five minutes. No, but seriously, we don't have like the ship, like the fuel for the ship. And no one figured out, like, for some reason, when Krypton does explode, they just get released. There's like, how does that even work? There's like a mechanic, like a little like some type of a signal that goes out that lets them out. I don't understand, because Michael Shannon, shockingly, this character has to like blow through how they were freed.

Yeah. I don't know who's waking up when and why. No, it doesn't make a ton of sense. Because the sentence is something like 300. cycles, whatever that means in the phantom zone. I don't know what like a kryptonian year is like. It's like 30 days. It's a month. It must be 33

years because they break out right when Cal L's fucking 33rd birthday happens. Somehow, no one told me that being stuck in a mirror would make more sense. Like literally that makes, it's like, oh, they got stuck in a mirror and then the mirror broke. But this is a different kind of like phantom zone. Yeah, it's like a different.

It's like an area. Yeah, they're in that big spaceship. Like, I think it's more akin to Supergirls. Phantam Zole with Peter O'Toole. It is actually. And I think that means that those cryptonians could have fucking figured out living there. Just go in the phantom zone, see if you can like build some condos, like start small.

There's not a lot of you left anyway. Well, they start like roaming the galaxy for like other cryptonian artifacts and stuff. Well, that's the biggest cock up of this whole thing. Uh-huh. Is we're told like they at one time, and this is amazing because again, it am mirrors what we're doing here on Earth. but like they were obsessed with like exploring the galaxy

and they sent out all these Kryptonian explorers to make all these settlements and blah blah blah blah blah blah one of them indeed went to Earth so like all these people were out there and then one day the Kryptonian government was like you know space exploration isn't that important you know what it is drilling the asshole out of our planet

so they abandoned space exploration but apparently didn't tell any of those people? Well, their space exploration is also a bit imperialism because they wanted to terraform all these planets. They did. And I don't think they were going to like save people.

No, I thought it was just like going and finding alternative places to live. They're going to they say it specifically that they were going to terraform the place. Yeah, but they find dead kryptonians. Yes. Yes. That they were on site and then the xenomorphs got

them. This movie. They kind of off funding and the xenomorphs guy I told them I told them this movie does kind of parallel some of Prometheus which came out a year before this movie it looks I mean honestly like but the weird thing is like with all these like abandoned cryptonian settlements that have been terraformed

it looks a lot like when you see a closed blockbuster because like it looks exactly like a closed blockbuster and it can't be anything else you have to do everything else different to it yeah that's why I was really surprised there was a place in our old neighborhood that was a huge blockbuster,

and it successfully transformed into an amazing barbecue restaurant, but when they were renovating that, I was like, well, geez, how are they going to make that not look like a blockbuster? I was legitimately confirmed. Is it called Blockbuster BBQ? It's called Strand Smokehouse in Astoria, Queens.

You can't keep that, like, the videotape thing, because that's just so obvious. Even if you took the name off of it, you still know it's that. Exactly. it was so tough all the meat is in like weird like VHS cases kind of

dude I'm not even joking you the first time we went to that restaurant I was like am I going to see like a new release section like I don't understand how they made this not look like a blockbuster this reminds me as something there was some website I found once or blog or whatever it was like this used to be a pizza hut

and it's all it's all photos of like these places or businesses that obviously was a pizza hot absolutely right and it's fucking ridiculous There was a place in our hometown. You remember this, Chris? It was a pizza hut. And then they turned it into, I think it was like a Pakistani restaurant.

Yes. And all they did was like the red like hat roof of a pizza hut. Yeah. They just like painted it brown. And I was like, that's clearly a fucking pizza hut. Also be on the lookout for friendlies out there. Oh, big time. Or the weird IHop cathedrals.

Anyway, we go. Well, IHop. great to segue to later in the movie. Oh, yeah, that's right. I have it. So we get to Earth. Superman gets to Earth. We don't, we're not doing a linear story,

which is actually kind of good. Like we kind of, I will say the structure this movie is better than it could be. Insofar as we get Krypton, but we don't have to deal with like all. We do get those moments, but it kind of is interspersed

with like undercover Superman, not unlike undercover boss. Where he's kind of going around doing these blue collar jobs. Like, wait, are you seeing me? I was kind of into it. Well, the first one, man, he drops in and that.

like Mark Wahlberg oil rig movie? Oh, Deepwater Horizon. Yeah, because he's like a fucking fisherman. He's terrible at it. That's what's great. Our introduction to Superman is he's getting yelled at by some fishmonger. That wasn't an oil rig. That was a black side prison. Oh, fuck.

You see, when Superman like holds the thing up while the helicopter escapes, Castro Troy jumps into the water. Sorry, Gorilla Grod, you're going to have to die. I just really wish Gorilla Grod was like in prison.

I'm going to take Gorilla Grad's face off. Oh man, someone would recognize that face swap. That would be great. Face swap with an ape. Dude, a fucking gorilla running around with Nicholas Cage's face on, that's bone-chilling.

That's what they should have done in the war for the planet of the apes. Woody Harrelson puts Caesar's face on his own. He's like, now I'm commanding the apes. Yeah, that's what bad ape is. Instead of Woody Harrelson just getting ape madness, in that movie. Yeah, man. That was a

misstep. I got ape madness watching it. So yeah, there's an oil rig that goes down and Superman has to Superman and he saves everything and takes that shirt off and my goodness. Dude, I was looking, by the way, first of all, he's fit as fuck. What a sexy dude, this guy is. Holy fuck, man.

But this was interesting and I applaud the makers of this movie. They let him be hairy. Yeah. He's got a, not only is his chest hairy, his fucking bellies, Harry. He's got this beard. I'll tell you what. I think he's Guerrilla garage. or because that's totally plausible

you're looking dude we we close the chapter with Logan you can fucking open it with this Tom Welling that's no not what's his name Henry Cavillian Tom Wellington is a small yeah I know I can't keep all these super men apart I mean that's the first time anyone

said Tom willing in six years oh is that right what do I win I think it unlocks a curse Hey speaking of that smallville show you guys know about the woman from that show who's like a second in command of a cult in upstate New York.

No, I don't. And how can I join? I don't know. Just look up. There was an article in the Times about it because they got a lot of attention because they were branding women

with a hot poker. Yeah, it's a weird sex cult. And this woman left acting to be the second in command and cool fact. Their headquarters in upstate New York less than a mile from my parents' home. Wow, it's in your school district.

She was recruiting people. That was this. Hey, you like Smallville? Is this like a, is it like Christ? What is it? No, it's a guy. It's a guy who went to RPI, which is Rensler Polytechnic Institute, a real brain school. What do they worship bow? No, they worship this dude's fucking dick, dude. It's a sex cult.

It's a dick cult? And this guy, you take one look at this guy, you're like, yeah, he's in a sex cult. So anyway. Can we get back to Greek Cal L? I got this guy talking dildos, this guy talking mystic cock. I need answers. man mystic cock that is not a pizza place you should go to is that my dildo in there

no but it is your daughter um so yeah sex cult so Superman uh he uh or a very hairy Superman saves the day oh I didn't finish my thought though about that oh please or did I I'm just saying he would make an excellent Wolverine he would be good yeah I mean I don't know what what the next step is for any of this like after Justice League like is Cal We'll sign on for one more movie.

I guess he'll probably play Superman one more time. By the way, Cavill is totally good in this movie. I think he's a good Superman. He's kind of totally good in all these movies. They just always give him dog shit to do. Which is amazing because it's like, I mean, I don't know, it's like having a Marx Brothers movie and Groucho's out in the car.

You need him. That's a big problem. That's why I used it as an example. But there's just, you cannot battle against. Goir, gore, gore. I can't have a Zepo the whole movie. Are you fucking kidding? And I mean, like, that's the thing about justice, like, why I get graded higher than all these movies,

it's the only time, like, uh, Cavill is, like, funny and, like, kind of smirking and, like, a likable Superman. It's the only time. For 18 seconds. But in those 18 seconds, he, he's able to show more range that he's, best 18 seconds of Superman's ever been. In, in this universe, absolutely. Yeah. So he, uh, it's my favorite part. So he's built like the Hulk.

He escapes, uh, this, this, this oil rig thing. And then he just finds some house and grabs clothes. Like, is it Rob Grankowski's house? If you'll notice, I think what he steals are like pants that would go over other pants. Yeah. And a huge jacket. Yeah. It's not like somebody's t-shirt.

Is it the big show's house? Like, who is it? This guy cannot just grab someone's shirt and put it on. The estate of Andre the Jones. That belongs in a museum. So do you. Oh my God. Indiana Jones getting

Under the Giant relics. Relics are out of the Giants. Oh, you know. Salah, that's the glass that Andre the Giant drank a whole liter of vodka in. Hey, Sala, this is the Unitarod that he wore at SummerSlam 87.

I could smell it from here, Indy. Hey, Sal, I think that's one of the tassels from the ultimate war. so he steals clothes and then he's like kind of hitchhiking much like which Superman is it where he's also hitchhiking oh no excuse me that's the Hulk that's the Hulk nope I'm thinking of the well yes the Hulk did hitchhike I'm thinking of the 1990s Captain America remember that movie where he's got a fucking hitchhike he's hitchhiking in a Superman too actually oh okay so I am actually thinking of a Superman movie and not a 1990s captain merit hikes to Antarctica oh that's right yeah that's question penguin picks him up

so he goes to I love these movies all of these every single Superman movie is the same thing where someone sees fucking Clark Kent 6 foot 5

341 pounds all muscle yeah and he's like hey skinny and he just starts like shoving him

like and there's always first of all he's not skinny that's the exact proportions of the president it's pretty close

it is actually pretty close what's awesome is you can't even attribute it to that dude being drunk because he threw his first beer on Superman's ed it's like this guy you're being a loud in a bar and this huge dude's like hey man why don't you fucking relax yeah and like you're like hey

pussy and you start shoving up and i'm like dude this guy is he's alpha he's alpha steve come on you can't thank you Chris and he's got tenacity thank you and a lot of these uh run of the mill tough guys oh man run of the mill tough there you know they're mama's boys they'll fold they'll fold If you push him. Exactly. Because they're Martha lovers. Same thing as Christopher Reeve and Superman, too. That fucking like 60 year old man starts being like, hey, string bean. That guy is enormous. That guy, see, these people, like that guy was probably like fighting in Korea. Oh, I see. And he's just like, I'm, you know, the certain type of like, um, racist. masculine brain is like pea size that thinks that they're forever 25.

Yeah, I mean, you see them out there. And then we saw garbage eat garbage before. Even if the guy could fold you like a letter and put you in an actual envelope. Exactly. Well, I better talk back to him because I want to be a man today. It's like Stone Cold Steve Austin is wearing glasses and you're like, hey, Stone Cold Steve Austin, fuck you. I know that's you. You belong in a museum.

Martin's short picking on Stone Cold. Exactly. What's annoying, though, is. is like his revenge is this dude is a trucker and Superman's revenge is he takes it might be

correct you he uh he takes this rig and like puts a bunch of electric pulls through it very smart because him not having that truck to make ends meet actually kills him oh that's actually for true wow I take my criticism back

he fucking eats a bullet out back yes oh he ruined his livelihood man that's ice cold you did the X-Files investigated that because it's like the truck is sitting atop poles like what Scully you think it was you think it was a Sasquatch? Yeah I definitely think they did that

especially because I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be like somewhere in the Pacific Northwest maybe Nighte Canada. No molder obviously the truck grew legs that were wood There are a hundred things that could explain this You know I don't care what anybody says I am so glad to have that show back for one last go round

How is it? Because I've just been I fell off the first relaunch. It's yeah, the first relaunch, a little bit of a misstep. There were some good Eps in there, but overall not great. This is fun. Okay. I think they sort of like took some notes.

But I kind of have to watch that first relaunch to watch. Just watch the last episode of it. Okay. See Joel McHale as Alex Jones, right? Pretty much, yeah. And thankfully that hasn't returned yet. Hey, Muldron Scully. We have Fox

Mulder back in the building, folks. Don't you be in bed with a cigarette smoking man? Mulder, you got to release the memo, all right. Oh, man. No, Scully, if I take this powder, I won't get cancer. Don't I see much more masculine and virile?

No, no, it's a chicken bone shake. Wow, Molder. And you drink it in the morning. Your brain force is off the charts. There is an episode, here, I'll tantalize you a little bit. I've already did that. new season, they just outright fuck. Oh, wow.

They just outright. Hold on a second. It's a special episode. It was like as long as blue as the warmest color. Check to see if that's on demand. So, I'd like to demand that. We were in a cut with actually Superman growing up.

And Diane Lane is mockent, as we know Martha. Earth Mama a bit, I would say. And yeah, yeah. I thought, I got an Earth Mama vibe from her. Yeah, I think so. I think it's the thing that we're like, she's living in Kansas because that's where this son of a bitch she married decides to live and she's got to tone it down for the neighbors.

Guaranteed. Can't smoke loud anymore. And then, uh, he got, oh, that Ma Kent, yeah, she's a little bit of a loud smoker. That's why they make you smoke outside now at work. You know, you can't just smoke in the building. It's like, if you get, like, really riled up. Oh, I see. You see.

I got you. I'm smoking weed here. There is... It's on the Patreon, don't worry. And you got Kevin Costner as Paw Kent. I mean, like, good gravy is this guy unlikable? I don't get it. I don't get it. And I don't, you know, you don't get a lot of Paw Kent in that first Reeves go around. He drops like a fucking fly.

That sucks. It's Glenn Ford. He's amazing. Yeah, but Kevin Costner's also amazing. Kevin Costner can be amazing. when he wants. Of course he can. What are you fucking talking about? He can. Two words. He was responding to that. Elliot Ness.

Okay. I don't mind Paw Kent in this. But like, what are we doing? Yeah. He's a coward. Well, I mean, he's human. Here's the thing. Pot Kent, I feel his motivations are a little more selfish than you

may think. His whole thing is like, listen, I know that someday the world is going to find out about you. Yeah. I just don't want to be alive when it happens. Here is Pockhant's thing is he doesn't want Mulder and Scully to dissect him. That's that this all is. Yeah,

that would make more sense. He's like, better cut this farmer open, Scully. Wait till you're, they do it all the time. You might laugh about it, but I guarantee you. Release the memo, man. The U.S. government has definitely dissected humans for you know, a laugh.

Anyway, so, but yeah. We get this first scene, actually. The school scene I actually really like it's, you you know, he's kind of like an ex-man a little bit. Yes, very much so. He starts seeing some skeleton people. It turns into they live for five minutes. I like that. We've got one that can see. So he runs

in the closet and then like Diane Lane is being very good and she's like, you know, just focus on my voice. Big problem I have with this. Sorry to interrupt. No, please. It's fucking despicable. So he's having trouble in the classroom, right? And the teacher's like, Clark, did you hear what I said? Please

answer the question. And he's freaking the fuck out. His ears are like going crazy all this stuff he's seen his teacher's skeleton my god yeah so he freaks out and runs away right as steve said he runs into this closet and everything what we then see is like the teacher it's like the close up on the teacher and she's like come on come out of there what's going on they cut back and the whole fucking school is around this broom closet making fun of them yeah i mean like that's like when i shit my pants in the first grade not everyone was waiting outside the bathroom waiting for me wait that's how you got away with it i found this very relatable because i think

I told it once before, but when I was in a grade school, the bathroom was in the classroom. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. I was singing that song. I was singing a song, and literally everyone was there to make fun of me. But that's in the room. It's not like, and the teacher's like, hey, come on, kids, go look. Go look. The teacher needs to be like, I have to go see what's wrong with Clark.

Put your head down and read chapter three. Also, you know, this is what they have vice principals for. You know what I mean? You go deal with it. Danny McBride out there. There's a lot of bad schools out there. You guys might not have gone. of them, but, you know.

Big question, though. Did you heat up the knob with your eye lasers? I sure fucking tried. Or was it just a lighter? Nothing worked. I didn't carry a lighter in those days. We also see he's being

the second scene is when they're at a school bus, an accident. The bus goes off the... Now, what did the bully call him right before this? Dick Splash. I heard Dick Splash.

I literally, I thought I hallucinated. Dick Splash, but also where is this? Because I only wrote one of them down. I forgot about Dick Splash. But where is it that we're throwing in ass wipe? It's a potty mount Superman movie. But like, isn't Dick Splash a compliment?

Yeah. Like your dick is so big. He's got such a force behind it that it splashes. The water goes everywhere or whatever it is goes everywhere. I think Dick Splash is like, you know, you're pissing. Like you piss his pants. You got a little dick splash. Oh, I see.

Yeah. No, Eric, it's not. No, Eric, it's not. not a triumphant compliment. Let's not kink shame Superman. By the way, this bully begins by like asking him who he liked in the

game last night. Yeah. Does any bully do that? I haven't heard. No, the bullies never try to trick you. They go straight for the bullying. Yeah. You're just a tiny little person I'm going to bully. They go off the thing. Superman saves the whole bus. And everyone's like, wow, that's really like a Superman.

Even the little fat kid who was bullying him. He goes back in the water he's like like it's great he pushes the bus out and he see clark like look at the bus he takes like a quick head count he's like all right the bus driver's dead uh that girl who's nice to me is here the twins are all right uh that little girl had a heart attack i can't help that yeah nothing to be done about that oh where's that fat guy that was bullying me and he goes back in the water and saves this god i'm gonna have to dig through the bodies and get to him and now there's a final destination plot going on in the back seat of this movie that's why every single one of these students that

survived this crash. You could see him in the background of Metropolis when shit goes down. Oh, no. Oh, man, it was Tony Todd's master plan. Exactly. Oh, fuck. Tony Todd would make an awesome Superman villain. And you see, this is a good message. It teaches you that when you save a bully's life, you give him the confidence to become an IHop manager. Yeah, that kid did not turn his life around. That's the weird thing about the IHOP thing. The kid is Pete Ross, who's actually a Superman character. Oh, my God. And what is he?

doing who does he become no he's just like he's just like a guy from small village that's what i respect about superman sometimes people are just people he doesn't become like his spider villain i could be like black widow like tarantula fucking farts in those spider man movies it's like hey you see that kid who farted back there you know who he becomes don't you fuck you he's pelican who's known for farting out of his mouth yeah the superman extended universe is a lot of you know that's superman's barber like you know what i mean like it's just just like kind of, it's not like, oh man, that guy. Yes, exactly.

And I can totally respect that because it's just people and it's not like elbow nudging. So that's Pete Ross, he's that kid. Was he the manager of a diner or something? But like the weird thing is like, IHop pays all this money. And I've seen this a couple times. Like, it's this weird thing where you spend all this money

on product placement just to denigrate your own employees. Yes. Because this kid's a punch lie. Yes, he absolutely is. The fact that he's a manager at IHop, it's like, yeah, fuck you now you're managing an IHop. But it's like, could you imagine working for us? I know exactly.

You're spending all this money to fucking humiliate your employees. And you could die. Dude, it's the same thing later in the movie where it's like 7-Eleven. We could throw an alien right through our store. Sears too. Oh, Sears gets fucked up in this movie. Do you guys know the numbers? What?

$160 million of a $225 million budget from advertising. Nice 100 partners 100 fucking advertisers are packed into this But like I mean Wayne Enterprises has a truck there at the year That was probably pretty amazing

Did I miss a Mountain Dew Transformer I mean what are they What could they? IHop 7-Eleven what else you got? Sears A Nikon is all over this The cotton lobby They're wearing cotton clothes

Is the U.S. military One of those? National Guard, that would count Don't you want to be in the army? Holy shit, do you think, well, you think taxpayer money went into Manistiel? It could have. That would not surprise me one bit.

It depends if we release the memo or not. That's the memo. I hope the memo has this information. You know, I got the mail today. I got this big envelope. It says, uh, from the United States Congress,

official business. And this is all in the fucking return address, by the way. United States Congress official business, uh, paid for and mailed by taxpayer money. And I was like, Oh, my God, am I going down? Was it a flyer for the Krypton series?

No, it was a fucking calendar from my state senator. Well, that's nice of it. No, it's not. One, nobody needs printed calendars anymore. Two, if you want to send me a calendar that I didn't ask for, fucking pay for it yourself. Don't make me pay for your own calendar. It better be Dilbert.

No, actually. So we're intercutting this. There's a lot of scenes of Clark and his father. And his father's like, look, you know, you don't, we don't trust them out there, blah, blah, blah. There's a lot of bullying. He's reading Plato at one point. For what reason? Fuck you, Chris.

He's deep. Learn about the foundations of Western civilization because that's all Superman cares. And he brings a lot of that knowledge to bear when he's fighting a robot later. And not a lot of Superman on the other side of the country. Hold on a second. Do you guys have a problem with Superman having a well-rounded education? You'd rather him just in P.E. Yes.

Yes, they do. So, I don't. It's just hilarious that they hang a hat on it like that. Like, there's a close-up, like, Plato. No, no, no, you're right. Well, well, you're right. He finds, I'm just talking. He finds a Kryptonian ship.

And at the same time, like, this Kryptonian ship, I'm kind of confused as to why the government is there. They find it at the same time. Because it's the X-Files. Yeah. They found some, there was some tremor. They thought it was a nuclear sub from the Soviet. Oh, right, right, right.

Alright. This is also where we're introduced to Lois, by the way. Yes, Amy Adams says Lois, who does a totally fine job. She's good in this. I actually think she's good at us. I mean, and it's just diminishing returns. It's like, what do you want to do in the next one? Well, at least that next one's got bathtub fucking. That's true. We could have used some bathtub. We also, uh, we also get a scientist Schiff. Richard Schiff. Oh, yes. Dr. Emile Hamilton. That's another Superman character. Ring the Bell.

Is he a regular guy? Yeah, he's a, he's just a scientist sometimes. He's just a scientist. Thank you. He doesn't turn it to like a large snake or anything. Or Mr. Electric Hands or whatever. I mean, I'm sure the character has been around for like 50 years or 40 years. I'm sure at some point he's turned to do a large snake, but I can't tell you one or another. But you know what?

By the end of that issue, Superman got him turned back. Yeah, he figured it around. And also Captain Maloney would shoot him down. This was Chris Maloney. This is one of the first like post-SvU. This was like a big deal. Oh, is he gone from that? Oh, he's way off that show for like a decade.

I've only ever seen reruns. Yeah, he's been gone for seven years. For quite some time. So, we're in Canada. I mean, we're in America. Or wherever we're on. And Lois... It seems like it's supposed to be like Alaska or something.

Yeah. Lois smuggles himself out of the Kryptonian ship. Clark is there. And, like, she gets zapped by some... But, like, there's these little robots that, like, do not want anyone on this ship. You have these little bug guys. It's the same little flying thing that didn't know. the beginning of the movie that Krypton was going to explode. It was the same thing.

Yeah, they're ignorant. They're really dumb robots. And it shoots her right in the guts. Yeah. And then Superman cauterizes the wound with his heat vision. Pretty cool. Which wasn't bad. Yeah, a little Superman surgery. I'm okay with that. He also fucking crushes this robot like John Belushi and Animal House. Just like fucking smashes the fucking robot

against his forehead. It's awesome. Now Jor L tells him who he is and we get introduced to the Superman suit which doesn't have underwear, which you could just Keep. No, I don't give a shit about the underwear. Here's what I care about, though. I didn't even notice.

I thought it had underwear. The black weird shit on the sides. This weird, like, butterfly deading on the side of it. Is he going to float? I mean, is he going to, like, float? We've got to let them balls breathe, man. All right, all right. But also, this is kind of convenient because how the hell did Jorrell know the exact shape that his son would grow up to be?

Because this thing, you need a gag where it's like. This is slandex, dude. No, you need a gag where it's like, it doesn't fit, and then Jorel goes, uh, computer, modify. So you want the gag from Back to the Future, too, exactly. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Because who just is going to guess? I mean, if they're going to be stealing from Avatar and fucking Matrix,

why not all the classics like Back to the Future too. We'll talk about this after. Yeah, we'll fight later. Jorrell, it's about your kids. Well, that's my, so where. Where was this 20-minute cutscene of fucking Jorrell recording all this shit before his kid went into the... No, no, no. It's not pre-recorded, dude. It's his consciousness. Yeah. Watch the fucking movie. So he just put his consciousness. Like, but...

It's like, it's like you make a Twitter bot of someone. Well, this is something Jorrell might have said. Right? Laura Zor-L is like, hey, can I get it? No. No. No, no, no, no. This is experimental technology. No, no, no. Shut up. Shut up. Shut. Shut. Shut up. I'm the scientist. Laura, were you, were you part of the skull? Because me and my come are part of the skull. Jorrell was a very old-fashioned dude.

He's like, no, no, no, no. You're going to have fucking regular childbirth. So you're going to shut up while I do my science. Yeah, the at home scenes are not unlike Michael Shannon in shape of water. Pretty much. Yeah, he's a traditional guy. So, yeah, I mean, and, you know, he gets the suit at this point. He learns he can fly. This is the closest thing we get to, like, wonder and joy in this movie is, like, sort of figuring out the flying feat.

The training montage. Where he gets an epic failed. Oh, man. Hey, cool, he fell. He's a compilation of my favorite epic fails in the super part. I actually, you would just make me think I would love it if the guy whose fucking truck he ended was following him to the ends of the earth over this fucking truck. It was just mocking him while he tried to fly. Also, the bullies should be played by Larry the cable.

Yes, at least one. But I would love a revenge movie. Like, it's, you don't even, you only see Superman at the start in the end. It's just this dude like, yeah, I'll fucking get him. That dude is like the kid in a better off dead where he's asking for the $2. He just keeps following Superman through the whole movie. Who would win? Superman or the kid, um, Lane Meyer.

The Golden Child. No, or the kid from, uh, uh, uh, Nice bull. Who? Superman or who? Sam Costel. Damn it. Ty Cobb?

It's Ty Cobb. Superman. I don't know. And a racist heartbeat. Ty Cob was a mean son of a bitch. Superman or the kid from the killing of the sacred deer. Oh, fuck.

He would be a good villain for some. He would trick Superman all sorts of ways. I haven't seen it yet. No, no spoilers. All right, no spoilers. But I think that kid. I want to go in cold. that kid my best superman he could do it he might just do it

oh man fucking amy adams is just in a hospital bed yep yep yep he's just like fuck i can't do anything sounds like a spoiler that movie got fucking overshadowed this year let me tell you it was good yeah i like it i think it's his best in's dog tooth take that the lobster i like alp i nobody talks about his second movie alps is great good no i really like alps nah i thought the lobster was a little

forgettable yes I didn't see it. I kind of skipped it. It's fine. It's totally fine. So he's now, he learns to fly. And I will say all of the effects around this are great. I mean, this movie's only five years and old, so it's not like, you know. It looks good. No, but like, you know, we still have shitty CGI now.

Can I have a question? Is there a fucking blue sky in this entire movie? Everything is Milky White. Every fucking shot is just overcast. They should have had to take place in winter or something. I feel like I haven't seen a blue sky in years so I'm like that makes sense but even when he's at the top of the world he's literally in it at the North Pole just any splash of color

would be nice to see because it's always magic hour when he's at home when he's in Smallville yeah I don't think I think you might be right and so we cut to in one of his like flashbacks we find out how Paw Kent dies so we're driving in a car

we're having an argument you know your classic family argument he's like yeah I don't want to be your son anymore. It's a harsh one. We've all been there. We don't know how old he is. This is my question. Is he in his 20s at this point?

Is he like, he's probably a teenager? I think it's a thing where it's like he's about to be out of high school. Okay. Because that hair's really shaggy. That's that golden summer between high school. Yes, dude. Exactly.

And it's like, I want to fucking go off and do whatever. And he's like, no, no, no. You're going to be a fucking super strong alien that works on my farm God damn it. His main actually looks a lot like that of the Tom Welling or Wellington. I forget it was

Tom Wellington. Yeah Tom Wellington. It does kind of look like that Shaggy thing going. It's later in that series Tom Welling. Do you think Tom Wellington tried to bring a suit against this movie and then get out of here Tom willing? Just be lucky you got the money you got. Henry Cavill is a beef

Wellington. I could have been one of Zod's guys. I could have done it. It just makes sense. I played Superboy for 10 years. Now I get to play Superman on the big screen. Yeah, I think that thought crossed his mind. Oh, it did. He like lobbied for... No, did he?

For sure, he returns, at least you lobby. That's like Carson Daly, just trying to get a late night show. Exactly. Well, guys, I've been here forever. Why don't I just host the Tonight Show? It's right there. Brandon Routh wanted to be in this movie. Oh, yeah. He was lobbying

for a while before Zach Snyder was like, no. No, no. What was that movie he had after Superman Dex Dog Detective or whatever that thing was? Oh, yeah. Some dog, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dillon Dog. Dillon Dog. There it is.

Yes. You remembered the subtitle? Is that an episode? I never saw it. It is bad. It could be an episode, actually. I always like Brandon right. He's on those like stupid, the new CW show there playing the Adam. What? He's on the challengers of the unknown or whatever.

Challenges of the legends of the That's a thing I've heard of. Challenges of the Unknown. Yeah, I was going to say, I saw that fucking ship blow up in the 80s. That's what they want you to think, dude. Release the memo. We'll figure it out.

So, no, so he hasn't argued with his dad. Oops, it's Kansas, so there's a huge tornado. Suck zone, baby.

It's heading. It's heading right for us. Unrealized. Superman identity. unrealized. So Pac-Cant has to get all these sensors out into the Hunter. And then he has this really emotional see with Clark. He's like, you're always running this tornado or that tornado, but it's me. I'm right in front of you. It was crazy, dude. I couldn't believe it. He

like sits, Pac-Hent himself sits back in that chair and puts his leg up and he's fucking hanging brain out of those khaki shorts. Bachan's smashed potatoes. Let me tell you. For some reason, Jamie Kurtz is in the backseat. It is so fucking stupid how much of the movie Twister we remember. It's a great movie in there. You guys remember

way more than I do. I remember Twist of the Ride. I didn't know that even existed. Oh, you never went on Twist of the Ride down in Universal Studio. They throw a cow at you. There is, so it's not a ride so much as it's like they all heard you into a room and then like a stage

are you allowed on that ride if you have a high school education or are you not? I always like in the middle of high school. So like, I don't know, they let me in. Squeaked bar. It was awesome. No, oh man, I got to tell you about this. Quick side note about this twist of the ride. It was great. It was more of a stage

effect show type thing. You stand in there, you're watching this whole thing. And it's like the rain is like misting. Oh, I hate those. Because it's like a water ride. Yeah. So we're standing there. And let me, I've, I've had him come up on the show a couple of times. My father does not like a lot of things

including Disney World. Sure. And this whole vacation we were on. Or getting wet because then the things start popping on its back. Well, get ready. And so we are at Universal Studios. We're on this ride and we're standing there. The cow flies by like the whole thing. My dad was standing under like a broken pipe thing or something.

So we're all getting like gently misted on this whole ride. Like, ooh, the tornado. This fucking broken pipe thing happens. This huge thing of water douches my father head to toe. fucking, the only one that got touched by this water. It was beautiful. Was he furious? Oh, he was, oh, dude. And you could just see him stuffing it down.

He became the tornado. You could see him stuffing it down. He's like, I'm not getting arrested at this theme park. Well, that's why they had the closed Universal Studios for two years to get rid of all the damage. He was fucking pissed. So, Paw can't, like, there's a lot of commotion and the Kent's get involved

for some reason. Well, they're stuck in traffic, right? Yeah, they're stuck in traffic. And it's like, oh, good, under the underpass, which by the way I read on the IMDB trivia, it was like, that's a terrible idea. Oh, what fucking weather scientist posted it on there? Do not get under an overpass on a tornado.

So, he's like, get under the overpass and then the fucking dog is left in the car. The dog, by the way, who's probably nine years old anyway. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, no, you're not wrong. And like, Pa Kent is like, wait, family. I'm going to go save the dog. And then Clark Kent's like, hey, man,

I'm like, A, if I was human, I'm in really good shape and much younger than you. be i'm fucking superman i can move as fast as light yeah so whatever and like he's like no no son i don't know someone's gonna know who you are in this fucking tornado he's like son i told you mulder and scully are on the way it's about sacrifice guys you have to teach your son how important is you're you're willing to die so that your son doesn't get fucking what is he catholic he has to be saddled with his guilt for the rest of his life you know what don't worry the twist There's like a baseball throw away from me.

I'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Me and Hank are going to get out of this. So he saves the dog and then like for some reason he can't, his leg gets caught or something. The twister drops another car on the car. Oh, right. Because he opens the door.

He's like, come on, puddles. And the dog's like scared and like hides under the wheel well. And so then he gets in the car to be like, get this fucking dog out of here. Yeah. And the dog runs out like, fuck you. shit head. And then the truck falls on. Yeah.

And then he gets his foot, the fucking foot caught thing. Like, come on. But there's this last moment when Clark sees him, he's out of the car, he realizes he can't get back in time. And Clark's like, gives him this look like, dude, I can come get you. Yep. And he kind of waves him off like he's going to get caught by the

umpire kind of a thing. And here's the thing, Clark Kent. Just do it. Just do it. Because the end of the day, all that is is another argument you'd be having anyway. And also, now you have it on your dad all the time. Like, oh, dude, you want to fucking give me shit? Yeah.

I thought it was a beautiful moment because I would love to die in a similar way. I would, just the way, just the way the shots composed of like the storm comes in and he's just gone. It's a good shot. I know exactly what you're talking about. He holds his arm out. Like, no, no. Feet on ground until the twister is literally around him. Yeah.

It's a bit of much. It's a movie where we saw a space planet and, uh, He's not a space planet. You don't know that. Space planet. And then off screen, of course, the dog is dead probably. Well, when you cut back to present day, you better believe it's a different dog. It's a new dog.

Of course. Dude, it's fucking Dylan dog. Brandon Ruth is curled up at the corner of the room. You got to sleep on the floor, Brandon. It's pointed rough. Well, you know I could play the dog. Does the dog need a voice? Really?

you gave Brandon the dog roll. Me, Tom Welling, I was asking for years to be the dog in Man of Steel. In quotation marks, scraps, welling. So, scraps in more ways than one. So Loisland is an intrepid reporter for The Daily Planet, so she wants to write this story.

Perry White, played by Lawrence Fishburn to the chagrin of every racist in the country. Oh, my God. Wasn't it funny watching that pop up? This country's terrible. It was fucking two years ago. We're like, oh my God, black, Perry White. It's so amazing because, one, who gives a flying fuck about this character? Two, Lawrence Fishburne is an amazing actor.

Absolutely. And it's like, bro, I can't fucking believe it. The guy from fucking Morpheus is playing a white guy. Yeah, and like, it actually is getting upset. I'm sorry. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. Lawrence Fishburne is a fantastic actor.

Like, honestly, if Lawrence Fishburne wants to do my biography, he's got my blessing. Oh man, the Steve Sadek story starring Lawrence Fishburn I would love to see that Gonna fucking superimpose that face On a little person's body So you better run fat boys So you're saying

I just have to eat a lot of Doritos And watch TV Okay People would protested Dude People would Yeah the five people who know I am They'd be like hey man

No they'd protest it The movie's getting made Well you could get really ambitious if you're going to do something like that, you could have like sweet Thai chili was out back then. Oh my God. Man, I feel like sweet Thai chili's been with me at all times.

I was born with a bag in my hand. I was born in it. I was born with that Dorito flavor. So he puts the kibosh in the article because it's like aliens, what the fuck are you talking about? I mean, to be fair to pair of white. He's right.

He's right. This is a nationally syndicated newspaper and alien story? We can get into the dynamics of the Daily Planet because it comes to nothing because these movies and that's one of the reasons I was excited about the sequel because at the end of the movie Clark Kent decides to be Clark Kent.

He puts on the glasses. He's like, I got a new job at the Daily Planet. He must actually like, I don't know, forge documents or something like, how does he get this newspaper job? This is like the New York Times of Metropolis. Yeah, that's tough. I feel like you are getting vetted a part-time camera person or not.

Kill the hitchhiker. Well, I just kind of imagine like they're like, all right, Kenta, Give me 3,000 words on this new trade deal. And he's like, uh, yeah. Well, is he reporting or is he like taking pictures? No, he's a reporter. Oh, is he? And Clark Kent is an excellent reporter, as we all know.

I'm with Parker's picture deal. Oh, thank you. I'm with Eric. I think it's a Don Draper job. Well, yeah, but he's not the, but Don Draper figured it. I guess you got to fake a social security number. Well, no, I think that's, that's a, seven. I think that's all been taken care of already.

because like if he's in a public school system Oh that's true So the father did it Paw Kent dude dude Paw Kent Farmer and Master Forger Exactly because he was already on his third life I'm just thinking

This is that the journalism chops to work at the daily plan That's correct Because he's a he's been a fisherman He's been a bad fisherman his whole life My whole life I wanted to be a bad fisherman Well this new mayor's race Is like a big piece of car Well, thank you for interviewing me for this newspaper job.

And, you know, my experience as a fisherman translates, because I also worked as a fishmonger where we wrapped the fish in newspaper. So I gleamed the headlines. I was actually on Deadliest Catch. And I had a lot of downtime to read. Oh, a reality star? Well, shit, Clark, you could be president. So, yeah, but this kind of comes to nothing because all of the parts I like about Superman aren't in this movie.

Unfortunately. Who's the character that fucking Doug Stamper is playing here? He plays us. And who does he become? He's Steve Lombard. No, just it. He's another.

He's another. He's another. Thank you, Superman. He's just another character. He's not like the wet blanket one day. No, he's just like a jerk that works in the Daily Planet. That's his character.

And that's like, that's how this world is popular. That's so awesome. There is no Jimmy Olson. There is a character named Jenny. There was conjecture on the internet whether or not that's supposed to be. Oh, it's a wild bird.

But what we learn is, no, Jimmy Olson is shot to death. in a foreign country. Yeah, he's a tier one operator, man. Is that in this movie? No, it's in the second one. Yeah, thank you. I was like, shit.

It's in the second one, but you got to watch them their credits to fucking figure it out. I got to say that second movie is so bad. It's so bad. You know, the way this ends, you're like, oh, I'm going to get that traditional Superman movie now.

Clark Kent's going to be working on the paper. No, Batman's upset now. That was the problem. That was the misstep. You just, you needed Superman, too. Yes. Man of Steel. I would be totally okay with the man I still too

Someone put Brainiac in a movie Thank you For fuck sake You know that video game That I was playing there for a while Injustice too It's kind of an okay storyline But part of it is Brainiac

And I was kind of dismayed Because has he always looked like a green and purple Mr. Freeze Kind of yeah Really he's at that fucking mech suit Sometimes mech suit sometimes not I would do it without the mech suit Probably cast Doug Stamper to be

he's got the look he gets a weird file at work he's like playing Steve Lombard he's like oh Clark what is this and then he's just like oh no yeah the file folder eats him dude he's bald brainiac should be bald he's bald right yeah he'll work for cheap

Superman only fights bald people yeah well look at that head of hair man that quaff going up against an eight ball of course so the ship has somehow signaled all of Zod's people to come back to Earth they find it

one of the one of the the Kryptonian criminals was a bad filmmaker I guess because they cut together this like weird Nike commercial of like are you Superman? Yes

you you you you Superman There's so much graphics going on in this commercial I think I remember the campaign for Nike you're exactly talking about because I always remember being confused by it because I was like does Nike want me to buy sneakers

or become a spy It was very weird It was like Do you like the film The Conversation and Sneakers? Or sneaking? Also with Gene Hackman. Is Gene Hackman in the snow?

No, he's in the enemy of the state. Oh, that's what I'm thinking of. That's the reference I should have used all along and not the conversation. Which is they try to act like that's a sequel to the conversation, which fuck you. You shit. First of all, there's no jazz music on that soundtrack.

Then they remade it with, remade it, quote unquote, with Jamie Fox. What was that movie? Bate. Remember Bait? Oh, no. I saw Bate in theaters. Actually, Bate might be an episode. I've never heard of this. I refuse to believe it exists. If I'm remembering correctly, it's a movie in where Jamie Fox is like

the wrong man kind of thing. And there's a bunch of like surveillance shit peppered throughout the film. Oh, and the kind of the kind of, the peddle. Audefile guy from Punisher Warzone's the bad guy, I think. Oh, Doug. What's his face? What's his name? Stamper? Doug. No. Jones. Hutchinson. Doug Hutchinson. Wow. Nice. You know, Mr. White, catching a story is a lot like catching a fish.

You know, you put your bait, which I think is your sources, on your hook, which I'm going to guess is a typewriter. How much do I make is this job? It's computers these days. I spent a lot on these glasses. I thought they were pretty sharp. well you're hired so yeah it's this big thing where it's like hey

we know Calell or is on your planet you have to give him up or we will go to war with your planet and destroy it because we're Krypton and fuck you and at this point Amy Adams is kind of buddies and Superman

they have this conversation he tells him about his dad she's like oh it's so bad and so like he works he wants to give himself up to the American oh no he this is the is the Catholic church scene. Yeah. Oh, man. It's kind of stupid. It's, I mean, like,

we're told he's 33, which, you know, you know what that year is, right? For those who don't, that was the year in which Christ was crucified. Anyone here? He was that old. They're making that fucking sequel to The Passion of the Christ. I saw that. I couldn't believe it, especially because there's some other fucking movie coming out. There's, it's like

It's called Easter. No, it's like St. Paul or some shit. Some, some other Samson. The Samson. I mean, there's always, there's No, no, no, but this is, no, this is why I'm mentioning this. It's some fucking bullshit Bible movie that's coming out, some other motherfucker from that storyline

and the same shared cinematic universe, but fucking Kvizel is in it. Oh, really? And I was like, oh, ha-ha, isn't Kavisel going to play Jesus? And he's just playing whoever the fuck it is. And then, like, literally a day later, it was like, Pasha to the Christ

to Kvizel returns. In Pasha of the Christ to Kvizel is going to get the Easter Bunny in a head lock and force him to shit chocolate so he's going to break his neck like the end of this movie it's in the Bible you know Cadbury 515

look it up so I guess Jesus died was crucified and then 20 years passed it became much older and then he came back to Earth is that how that works? Yeah I think so it's just basic Bible I mean shit yeah are we going to have to fucking de age Cavizal to play the Lord

probably well the Lord's been through some shit I guess oh that's right he was through all that person of interest shit he's gand off the white new no well actually that would be cool right it's like rogue like Jim Caviesel comes out of that cave and it's like the same Jesus hair

but like there's a white streak because it's been a traumatic experience and then it was rough Ian McKellen plays Dowding Tom's like well I love what you did with your hair you know if that was all in that movie

I'd watch it I'm gonna watch that movie. I would watch John the Revelator with Claws. John the Revelator. All right, so what happens in this fucking movie? They go to IHop? It's a big fight. He said, well, he gives himself

up to the American government. We get a bit of, well, I'm sorry, the Jesus scene, so it's like, it's him, he's talking to a priest, he's like, what am I supposed to do here? He's standing right in front of the... Well, this is what Paul Kent really worried about, that people would crucify him. Oh, that he would be really worried that he'd become religious.

Well, I don't actually know that this is officially a Catholic Church. No, no. He's just talking to a pastor. Yeah, a reverend of some kind. Yeah, I mean, he's got the collar, but that's got the collar. Yeah, I mean, as long as he's got the collar, who cares? So he gives himself up to the, what do you call it there? The

authorities. The government. And he, this is where he meets up with Chris Maloney, he puts Superman in handcuffs, which is one of Zach Snyder's fetishes because it's in at least two of these movies. Oh, him being handcuffed? Yeah. Where else is he handcuffed in BVS? Is it he handcuffed in BVS? What do you go to

DeCourt. Don't ask me to watch that again. No, I think he just walks in on his own accord. Thank you very much for being here, Superman. I'm glad we didn't have to come arrestee. Would you like to drink some past? It's also a fetish. But he might be.

I don't know. Yeah, but yeah, this is really stupid. But Superman's kind of great right here because Lois is like handcuffs. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, whatever makes them sleep in night. Put fucking handcuffs on me, who cares? And then, like, literally the last hour of this movie is Rockam Sackam Robot. And, like, there's nothing, there's almost no story.

I mean, there's a lot of story, but almost no story. Michael Shannon's totally wasted. He comes back with this black and gray goatee looking like a fucking out-of-work music teacher. This haircut looks terrible, dude. He looks like me in the 10th grade. Turns out no one wanted to learn the saxophone. You know, I used to be in Sevado. Oh, man, that'd be pretty cool.

uh yeah yeah sometimes i dj on the weekends hey you guys want to want to squire some weed that was actually i i charge you 20% more because i'm your music teacher you know one and day uh the boo radley's open for us he goes on to he gets him and lois get abducted by the cryptonians for some reason they're like we want the woman i don't know why she wants to go with him yeah no but they demand it The tough

Croptonian lady Who's like Fiora R or something like that Whatever her character name is Who by the way Gal Godot was supposed to play that role That she got pregnant And she's like

Oh man I'm glad I did that Wow wow that's great That you would have never been a miracle child She would have never been one of them Galgado's children Yeah excuse me Gal Gadot I think it's Gal Gadot yes Godot

Godot Whatever But she uh Ethan's she dodged Eppolet Yeah totally Just being this fucking nothing character I think Superman like

farts on her at the end of the movie. He pulls a fucking Terrence and Philip move. So now 759-11s happen in the movie. And this is the origin of us saying 75-9-11s is referencing this movie. Well, because the body count is relatively low at first, right? Like, he goes on top,

he goes to this planet, to this spaceship, there's a lot of business. This is after a whole planet has exploded at the beginning of this movie. The body count is still relatively low. Zad does a really bad job of trying to recruit Superman. He's like, hey

man, come into this fucking dream world with me where you're going to see everyone turn into a pile of skeleton. That's what I don't understand. You're trying to court this man. You're trying to romance him. And he also brags about killing his dad too. Well, but he says because Superman says, did you kill

my father? He says yes. Yeah, man. And not a day goes by where he doesn't haunt me. He does say that. Okay. But then he's like, and by the way, Superman, if you don't go along with this, you're going to drown in a pile of skulls. No, no, no, no, no. Leave that out of the recruitment fantasy. Exactly. Hey, man, it's awesome. You know, you get to, you get to hang out, you get to listen

to Kryptonian music. It's awesome. It's great. You want to fuck your cousin? Come on over to Zod's side. We got a lemon tree. We're fucking our cousins. I mean, we can make some real good crypto. You ever have Kryptonian chili? It's a little spicier than you got down there. Turns your shit neon green. It's also made of those flying things that your dad was on. We're almost added dragons for dragon chili. We got a couple of frozen. Those flying things.

He doesn't know what like a bird is on Krypton. But no, he does a bad job of trying to recruit him. Terrible job. This is when Lois escapes the thing. Russell Crow shows back up and this is a really stupid scene where he's like showing her how to escape and like shoot over there. over there. I'm totally okay with this. I think I was having fun this breakout scene. I was like, oh, are you

liking this movie again, fat ass? Okay. I didn't have that problem. I didn't mind it. The whole fucking hide-and-seek thing with Russell Crowe? Because that's his two scenes after the first thing. Is it playing hide-and-seek in the first one and then in the second one with her. Yeah. It's just fucking

annoying. He's a ghost. He's a fucking ghost. What do you want? Won't he was a fucking doorknob? He's a ghost. Or to maybe haunt. Well, Marlon, Bram. Pando played the role as a doorknob. Yeah. They'll pay the million dollars to be a fucking doorknob.

He's kind of doing a brando impression a little bit, Russell Crow. What are you smoking? A Brando in Superman. Like it's a very British, oh, hello. He doesn't say Planet Krypton, which I always loved about Marlon Brando. I think like Donna was like, actually, and then he's like, I'm not going to do that again. Do you know who you're talking to? Richard, sit down.

Planet Krypton. It's a great cadence. and it's just a it's Brando's is a titch fancier yes exactly because you see Russell Crow he's fucking fighting this was just Russell Crow to be but I don't have the baggage yeah the fandom

well also though I mean Russell Crow's not British yeah he's Australian yeah well he's Britishing it up in this movie I didn't notice Amy Adams is plummeting to Earth on an escape pod oh right Superman escapes does a little side of the cross on the way out

I'm okay with this shot I think it's a beautifully composed shot. The thing about Zach Snyder? I kind of agree with Chris. Here's the thing. If they left out that fucking church shot, which you did not mention even though you tweeted about it. Yeah, yeah.

He's fucking standing in front of Jesus stained glass. Yeah, it's like weeping on the rock there. Yeah. If you left that out and if you left out the fact that he mentions at least twice in this movie that he's 33 years old. Yeah. I think that one thing standalone, it's totally fine. Because that's this character anyway.

Sure. He's the savior of the human rights. That's the Lord Christ There's 48 minutes of buildings falling down We need to talk about that There's so much of it No so they go down to earth They're like there's a bit of recoupment time

Zod comes down Like where the fuck is the codex And my favorite part Is they go They start messing around with Diane and start shoving her right Oh sure And they find out that the codex Is not in the house

And fucking Zod throws a Dodge truck In their house It's a really good scene Oh, I love it You know what, man I am sick of his shit I've been on it You know I got those like

I got like pins and needles in my feet From traveling for so long I have not been to a hotel yet He's pissed off too Because like he just had to adjust To the atmosphere again Oh yeah But it's awesome because like

She gets a good shove Like Zad shoves her And you're like Oh fuck that's brutal You got shoved by the super strong alien And it's like Noop no cherry on top truck through your house.

Oof. And she's way too calm about this. She's like, it's just stuff, Clark. I was like, no, a truck was thrown through your house. It's okay to be a little upset. And one of your precious dogs is likely dead now. Oh, poor dusty. Dusty. The dust man

got it, dude. A truck fell on the dust man. So now we start fighting. The Kryptonians are wearing like masks because they're so not used to the idea is that it's a kind of an okay idea to like how to even the score because there's so many Cretonians and there's only one

Clark. The idea is Clark has been on the earth longer so he knows how to hone his senses and like Right. He's not seeing skeleton people and stuff and like not getting such bad headaches. Did you get headaches? Clark. I get such bad headache.

Did you hear that Clive Owen was also in the running for Jarrell one another yet another famous role he just missed out on? Yeah. Oh, that poor man. You just feel bad for us. Do you think he, like, puts on a tuxedo at home and does, like, the gun thing in front of the mirror? No, he does the croupier thing.

Roll some dye and shit. Just flicks a card on the thing. Bust. Sorry, madam. It's him alone in his house. Bada, but, but, da, the closest I got was that Paul Giamatti movie, shoot him up. that was sucked that movie sucked I saw a movie with him

called music and words which is the worst movie you'll ever see what the fuck is that it's him fucking yeah Julia Benosh he's a he's a literature teacher and she's an art teacher and they're trying to figure out

what's more important words or pictures oh my god and there's like a lot of fucking he's an alcoholic it's awful that sounds like art house trash it was exactly

art house trash so we're fighting in front of the iHop we see fucking Pete what's his face debase himself at iHop because anyone would have to be the world's biggest loser in quotation marks to work at that fucking corporation oh man you know what I need though I need this dude to piss them khakis oh yeah that's what I need to see there is a great thing where like Superman gets thrown into the restaurant and then like they make eye contact restaurant oh it's a restaurant pardon me he gets thrown into the restaurant and uh oh you mean iHop's not a restaurant yeah he gets thrown into this chain diner

No, no, no, shit factory. Oh, right, of course, it's shit factory. And they look at each other, and he's like, oh, Clark Kent from high school? Yeah, and then he just gets back up and keeps fighting. Which is, I mean, like, do you think there was like a big eye-hot meeting? It's like, all right, everybody gets to watch it. You get to watch Man o' Steal early, and that's what you are. Now, go back to work.

Yeah, totally, yeah. Get your fucking Grand Slam gagging barf and get the fuck back to work. I'm Fred IHop And I own your fucking family You only get to see the IHop scenes It's a five minute cut of the movie Oh man And they definitely advertised it as like

IHop family corporate screen Oh absolutely Bring everybody down We're actually under the same umbrella As Hugh Hall so you can see those things too You're right A U-Haul truck goes flying Did you understand it?

You're nothing. You're never going to be anything. Good night. Fred, I hop. I'm going to take that moon over Miami and shove it up your ass. Do you want health benefits? See you at work tomorrow.

And just stop the tweets. I think that was a Denny's item. Oh, you're right. You're totally right. Grand Slam breakfast. and the moon over my hammy are both Denny's items. You see where my loyalty lies with chain diners.

You know what? Fuck Denny's. Dude, I will. I am very picky about where I choose to ship my pants in public. I went to a Denny's in Schenectady, New York. Oh, fuck. I know that place well. Yeah. The eggs weren't cooked. They handed me like raw white egg. No way.

Yeah, way. That's unfortunate. Yeah, because Denny sucks. Wow, dude, that's the fucking sunny side down. Didn't feel like having a, like, a rocky breakfast. I didn't eat it. Did you send it back? Yes.

Well, then you ate spit. No, I just didn't eat. Did you pay for it? Yes, of course. I'm a human being. All right. So, 759-11. So, yeah, it's Superman versus Fiora,

whatever this lady's name is, who's kind of a takeoff. on not a take whatever uh it's very much like superman too now because there's a big beefy dude right and the lady who's like tough lady but the scientist doesn't get in on it no the scientist is upstairs engineering children yes these aren't characters no they're not car not at least in superman too yes you had an idea of these personalities yeah even the big guy had a personality yes he was like very childlike she was like tough and turn stamp was turn stamp and i mean you know that's what The funny thing is I read some quote of Michael Shannon being like,

oh, it's really tough to step into Terrence stamp shoes. By the way, I don't like this movie. Did I ever tell you that? Like, he's, like, been so outspoken how much a fucking bullshit movie that he thinks this is. Well, because he's a real actor. Yes, exactly. And he doesn't give his shit. Yeah, you know what?

You know what? Yeah, you can make fun of me for being in Manist's deal. You want to see my fucking Brooklyn condo I own because of that movie? Fuck you. I'm Michael Shannon and I'm going to die better than you. What's the punishment? I'm going to be in less of Batman versus Superman. Oh, boo-hoo.

Boo-hoo. Didn't they make a puppet of them? They did. It was a total dummy, but guaranteed because of fucking Crisp and Glover, dude, the Glover Act. Oh, shit. You fucking paid for that dummy.

You're right. Well, you're right. All right. To the floor, we'll bring it the Glover Act, which will give actors residuals on their likenesses, whether in puppet or, picture for him and bring back power to Puerto Rico.

Well then I'm voting against it. Oh, there's poor people. So Perry White is on the ground. Oh, my God. The ash is literally falling on the city. I am falling a fuck asleep, man. And this is where the

fucking the terror forming thing lands and starts fucking the planet. You mean the world engine? Yeah. Yes. Oof. Michael Shannon yelling, start the world engine start the name it something anything else and like literally like Eric

said this thing is fucking the world because it goes in and it goes out oh yeah and it goes out oh it's power fucking this thing Indian Ocean at the other point I guess on the other side of the world there's another device that's like yeah yeah it's like

it's like some type of three way with the planet we got to have something initiate the Eiffel Tower Oh god Is that what that is? I forgot high school But I think that's what that is

And the earth is a milf Mother Gaia I'd like to fuck Yeah we're very immature on Krypton But that's how it works That's why I have this shitty goatee I live with my dad It's so bad He looks like he's in a fucking stained cover band

All we had was Teddy Youngman Records and Madlibs. Oh, my God. What a house. Look, you spend your whole, you spend 300 cycles in a dildo. Your humor becomes pretty blue, which all I'm saying.

So, yeah, this thing is like cutting through the world. There's a poor Richard Schiff has to be like, oh my God, they're terraforming. And it's like, oh, man. In his head, he's saying that line, but in his head, he's just humming the West Wing theme song. The military is trying to, take this machine down and they keep

shooting missiles and it's very clear there's some sort of force field because these missiles start going into buildings like that. Yep, bouncing right off. And they keep being like, well, shoot more missiles at it, man. Well, it's the American military man. We got to jam it in and get it done. So they come up with a plan to like take the ship

that Clark Kent came in and jam it into this thing to create like a temporary black hole question mark. Yeah, that's a big question mark. To like suck in the crypto. Corponians or whatever.

It's just bullshit. It really doesn't matter. He's just going to kill them. He should make a black hole and just kill everyone, kill Earth, kill everyone in the theater, kill me at home, watching this on DVD. What Superman Returns got a lot of flack for was

it being pretty dry. There's no real physical threat. Like, you know what I mean? We had seen all those Spider-Man movies. We'd seen all these, a couple of X-Men movies at this point, a couple of early Marvel movies. Like, people should punch each other, and that's what it should be.

And I agree, actually. Like, you should get a brainiac in there. You should get another Grotonian. But this is overload. Because the movie is 90 minutes of a movie and then an hour of nothing. It's insane. It's like this huge earth fucking thing is just going on. You're watching this poor city be decimated.

Well, they hinge it on that. But the destruction, the two world engines have been doing to the earth, we're over, folks. Yeah. We're gone. We're dead. We're all dead. This thing fucking shattered the center of the earth, probably. Yeah, like Superman shuts it off by like just punching it.

He pulls a Randy Quaid after hours of it going on. Yeah, and that's really not addressed. Hey, boys, I'm back. Remember me? Superman. So he destroys it. And then like, yeah, we're flying the Kryptonian thing. It's Maloney and Emil Hamilton, Richard Schiff, and Lois Lane.

What is Lois Lane even doing on this thing? No, she's trying to get the. scoop, dude. Yeah, got him. Just getting that scoop. Also, the other the female cryptonian lady. Because that other dude fucking bites it

at some other part of the movie. I don't really remember. Yeah, he just kind of dies. I mean, it doesn't matter. George Mirosan looking motherfucker. And, like, the idea is, like, you know, it's like, oh, these humans are finally getting it over

on the Kryptonians. So, like, you're giving them something to do, but you're not really giving them. No, not at all. Like, this woman should just murder to these people immediately. And we're cutting back to, like, 9-11 imagery of Jenny being stuck inside some rebar and, like, Perry White and Doug Stamper have to get her out of it. Doug Stamper, living coward, by the way.

This dude is ready to book it. And I'm falling asleep at this point. It's been nonstop of seeing fucking glass fall. And, yeah, you're totally right. And as we're flying in, like, Maloney had a thing with the lady earlier, like, she was going to kill him. and like there's some line about like a good death it's like some wharf line that they plucked it's like a good death

is rewarded enough for something yeah it's some fucking cling on rip off he flies his fucking bird of prey into this world's engine yeah and this is what it's always bothered me about this Chris Maloney decides to like make this call

of perhaps today is a good day to die and jams this thing into this other ship he doesn't consult Richard Schiff or Lois about this? He's got a bond. They know. They know Richard Schiff is murdered and he does not even see it coming.

Well, fuck him. Because that lady would have killed him and the whole mission would have been whatever. You get on that ship, you know, acceptable loss. You got on that ship, you know what's going on. Shiff sticks that Lego into the thing and like activates the whole deal by the way. And Lois Lynn falls out

and Superman. Which is crazy. Saves her. And this is the most tone-depth scene in any movie. that's ever happened he saves her and I mean like this has been like you know it's your Lois and Clark you know like can you read my mind you know what I mean like we're flying around

and we land and they just start baking out and literally like Jen on a bed of skulls they really do there is and like Jenny and like she's like oh my God he saved us like he saved you like you know what I mean like you have been saved

there is an old lady in a bank with her fucking legs caught under a fucking vault, screaming for her life. I don't need him French kissing when he's inhaling vaporized people. That's true. They both are. Listen, you never know when the moment's going to strike,

dude. And that's what those boner pill commercials tell you. They should have it after an apocalyptic event. The Justice League should have been about Lois Lane, Perry White, Doug Stamper, all them getting like fucking cancer from from like breathing in

the asbestos and the fucking computer dust and whatever else. And only a late night comedian will fucking fight for their rights. That's right. That's exactly right. Also it would be great because here's a perfect moment to pull a Snyder, right?

Like slow-mo it. They're just tongue kissing in the middle of the frame while like bodies are falling out of office buildings and just like slamming into this park while someone's aunt goes in their mouth. But that's the thing too is like it's

it's not even that they're making out. Then they have like sexy banter where she's like you know it's always downhill after the first kiss and he's like yeah we'll get fucked later and it's like yeah that's with human guys I'm an alien make out more yeah and all of his superhearing is hearing

he's hearing human misery 360 all around him no he's not too oh my goddamn lame he's learned to tune it out he's just listening to one person at a time yeah he's fine grandma breathe one two

three breathe Oh, my God, Lois Lane is so sexy. My arms caught on. I can't believe I'm kissing this girl. Oh, my God, my child. Oh, she's so pretty. Did it hurt when you fell to heaven? No, but it hurt when that dude fell out of the 68th floor.

I'm shitting blood. It's unrelated to what happened, but it's... Where's that God? Yes. Dude, it just proves friends in high places, man. And this is where, like... The movies should be over with. Oh, my God, is it over with?

And then Zod stumps down in this fucking clearing. And I paused it 21 minutes. Oh, God. And you can just fast forward because it's just a fight. Let's just fast forward. He breaks his neck. Yeah, they fucking fly into this bank.

He kills a hundred more people in this fight. As a man, just too, by body slamming him and stuff like that. Like, hey, Zod, like, there's actually a seed in Superman, too. He's like, he realizes the devastation. And he's like, I'm going to take. these dudes to Antarctica where there are no people. You know what I mean? Like that's the thing that actually happens. Here he's like

fucking doing power slams at a fucking goddamn, I don't know, civic centers. It's nuts. The JCC's doing a power bomb into it. Which is ironic because the night before they hosted an amateur wrestling tournament there. So yeah, they like go into this bank or some shit. Yeah.

And he gets him in this headlock and Zad at this point has developed the powers that Superman has. So he realizes that he has heat vision and he's like, I'm gonna kill these fucking human beings you love so much. It's kind of suicide by Superman, right? Because he's just like, you better stop me.

It totally is. Because Zad is, he has this big speech. Michael Shannon is like spitting on the camera about like, you know, you destroyed the opportunity for the codex. Like you killed our people. I have no people. I have nothing left.

So yeah, it's suicide by Superman. Yeah, he's gonna fucking. And by the way, this is really stupid. Like these people in this bank just run. They're just like cowering. And also like, what are they even doing there? The fucking world is on fire. Get to your homes. Get to an evacuation center.

Evacuation center. Stop. This whole thing happens in 35 minutes. Yeah, that's true. There's nothing to be done about this except except your death. So he's like lasering towards these children and Superman has nothing to do. And he breaks his neck and then he cries about it. And you know what, man, fuck you movie. I mean, in a series of fuck you movies, fuck you movie.

This is a big fuck you. I mean, like, Superman doesn't, like, Snyder's thing that he said publicly was like, oh, this is where he developed his I will never kill thing, which you don't, that's the thing is like, this is the beginning of the movie and that's what happens, maybe, but this doesn't get any weight. Like, he screams, he cries. And then the last. He buries his face and Lois his crotch. And then he's like, and then the next scene he's just kind of flirting with Harry Lennox and the movie's over. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's kind of it. So there's no, like, I got to go away for a while. I can't believe I killed. that guy. He's just like cracking jokes. And are we not just counting the huge blood sacrifice every time you fucking get hit by Zod into a building? Yeah. I mean, he really has killed

hundreds of this point. Oh, they're right in offices and stuff. I mean, Superman is a really strong believer in collateral damage, man. You know what? Sometimes shit happens. But Schwarzenegger's going to get him. Swartznager's going to fucking get him. That's what the S is for, man. I mean, that's kind of what Batman versus Superman is like, oh no, you killed my

family. They were just collateral damage You're collateral damage Now Superman Dude I was looking around I couldn't find fucking Wayne Tower collapsing in this movie There's I mean there's a

There's a Wayne satellite at some point There's a Luther truck The Luther truck is really This is an egregious moment Just in that fight Zad throws this like Dual Tank Luther Industries Truck at him

I thought it was fun until I realized Oh shit that's fucking Jesse Eisenberg? Yeah. Not John Malcovic, Jesse Eisenberg. It would have been fine except then, of course, this thing has to explode. And then the parking garage that it's thrown into has to collapse around Superman. It's mirthless. It's, the entire thing is mirthless. It's mirthless, Scully. Are we done yet? I mean, that's kind of it.

That's the movie. I mean, like, he tells, you know, like, he's like, hey, I'm going to be on my own terms. Talk to you later, Harry Lennox. And Harry Lennox is, wow, I get the last line of the Superman. Pretty good for me. Pretty good day. And then, no, the last line of the Superman movie,

he's working for the fucking planet. Oh, that's right. He comes in and he's like, yeah, I want to keep my... She does have the good line. Clark Kent, welcome to the planet. I do like that setup. I think that's a nice little blackout line.

I mean, again, like this movie, the weird thing is this movie kind of starts, this was kind of greenlit after those Nolan movies. Nolan's an executive producer. This is kind of in the mold of a Nolan movie

in the sense of like, it's totally solid. contained, you know, we have little nods here and there, but it's like, it's going to be a dark, milky white, weird gray world, and that's where Superman's going to live. And then that, what fucked this whole franchise was

the, oh shit, the Avengers was huge. Like, this is Greenlit, like, it comes out a year after the Avengers, but obviously, like, this was being made well of it. They didn't know what Avengers was. So they're like, oh, we got to get everybody in the next movie. It's got to be Batman, Wonder Woman, et cetera. Also, those Nolan Batman's

I just rewatched all three of them, as I've said, earlier. Like, they, as dark as they are, are fucking way funnier than these movies. Way fucking funnier. Because it's Nolan and it's not Zach Snyder. Like, you get anybody else in here with Cavill, you've got something. Maybe. You got something. Anything. Uh, that's it. Would anybody recommend this to people who haven't seen it for some reason? This is the second time I've seen it. I'll hopefully never watch it again. It's almost the first hour and a half is a hangover movie. The second hour is not. That's what I was going to say. a hangover. I think it's a hangover movie. I would recommend it as that. So it's a light recommend. I say, you know, watch the first half fall asleep to the next half and then wake up and order some food. That's exactly my opinion on this movie to the letter. I realize I've actually seen this movie three times now because there's in theaters. I rewatched it the night before we saw BVS. And fucking fell asleep and didn't finish it. I was high at a party and it had the sound off. It's pretty fun. That's a good way.

It would be working. Yeah. Avoid this, by the way, my opinion, avoid this. All together? Straight now. Straight now.

Huh? Straight now? Absolutely. Absolutely not. Don't watch any of it. No, no, no. Yeah, I got out of my rankings. Superman one,

Superman two. Then you're going to go with... Oh, God. The whole fucking Superman returns. I'm not ranking. I know it's fine. I'm just letting everybody know where I'm at. All right.

Superman returns. Then you go Justice League. Then you go this. Then you go... no actually then you go Superman 3 2 Man 4 Superman 3 then then BBS I'll make it easy

because I do want to participate that's that would be my exact order I agree with everything I think it's Superman 1 Superman 2 Superman 2 Superman Return Superman 3 Superman 4 some of those old cartoons from the 40s

Justice League mate I guess then Man is steel then BVS I'll vote present. That's Man of Steel from 2013 directed of course by Zach Snyder. Thank you so much for continuing to support

our Patreon endeavor. Until next time I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seidak. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. Thank you.