We Hate Movies - WHM Mail Bag: Fighting at the Video Store, Chest Burster Toys, and Fango-Moms!

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the guys read letters about being the third wheel on a long drive with a couple who's fighting, moms mistaking nerdy sci-fi molds for sex toys, movie experts not being believed, the absolute worst "Freddy vs. Jason" screening situation in the history of the world, plus much more! If you want your crazy stories read on the air, or if you have a burning question for the gang, write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside the whole gang. Stephen Sadek, Eric Siska, and Christopher Cabin. This is the October mailbag, I should say. Yeah. So hopefully, I haven't seen these yet. I hope. Chris Cabin, you selected some spooky letters this time around. Oh, I got some spooky ones. Oh, some spooky ones? Okay. Plugging up top, by the way, this is the act. It's the Ass end. The professional term. The ass end of October. Yes, of Beck's Toberfest. We're plugging the Bex here. With me a deal. No one else. Wow. I'm the only person that drinks it. Yeah, yeah, that's for sure. Darned Tutin. No, we are here to read letters. But before that, we are going to plug the fact that at the very beginning of next month, starting the 6th of November, the West Coast tour, everybody.

We'll be in San Francisco that night talking about the rock. There we go. Tickets are still available. for that show. Very few I hear. That's what I keep here. They're flying fast. Flying fast. And then the next night, we also have some tickets available in Portland, Oregon. We're going to be talking about the Kindigab

Gap. I actually just rewatch that because I'm trying to get ahead of some of these watches. Look at you. That's going to be a fun. That's going to be a fun. I can't wait. I got too many beer cans here. Lead villain? Huge ponytail in that movie. Oh, man. Nourvis. Is this name like Chris or something? It is Chris. Yeah. I'm going to fry

you, Chris. You'll be terminated. And then, so then we are shuffling down to Los Angeles. And Sunday the 10th, new information has come to light here, everybody. Two shows. The president has been shot.

Right. Oh. No, nope, nope, no, government. That's satire. That is satire. Thank you. No, no, no. But we have the sold-out show talking about the karate kid.

Yes. Sold out. No tickets available. Sweep the leg. You fucking lost. but good news second show added second show added on what Chris Cabin

that's gonna be teen wolf fuck yes yeah fuck yes because see that dude dangling his dick in that movie and instead of a late show on Sunday night no one wants to go to a show at 930 on a Sunday fuck that this is at 5 o'clock yeah that's right 5 p.m so 5 o'clock and 7 o'clock of the shows the new one is 5 o'clock

tickets are on sale for that dude you go to a late boozy brunch you'd roll right into the Hollywood improv exactly fuck That is a day. If you already got tickets to kindergarten, kindergarten, karate, karate cop. Karate cop, oh, that's a movie I want.

Karate Kid, if you already have tickets for a show, sold out show of the Karate Kid at the Hollywood Improft, come to the other show, double dip. As I recall, actually, there was a restaurant that we ate at across the street from the Hollywood Improv last time we played there. It had dips. I remember this.

It had dips. It had some fucking solid good dips. Dude, you get some dips. You get some cocktails, and then you fucking march those cute buns right on. over to the Hollywood Impros. And then you're quiet the entire time we're on stage. Well, yes, then you're quiet because if you're not quiet, Steve's not

going to spit on you. That's right. Only for the good boys and girls. So all that ticketing information of course can be found on WHMpodcast.com now. Let's get to these letters and I swear to God, Kevin, there better be some spooky-ass shit in here. Napoleon Dynamite can't

save you. So far so good. Dear W.H.M. Guys, I'm a long-time listener and I love what you guys do. I've got a quick story from the old college days. Oh, fuck. And prepare yourself for a follow-up question. One evening, when I was a senior in college,

my then-girlfriend and, oh, I'm sorry. Nice. Sorry, I didn't work out. Condolences. Yeah, sorry. You know, you were better off. But a second girlfriend has been added. No, wait, what if it was, he says,

my then-girlfriend. Now, why? Oh, shit. You're right. Paragraphs go on. My then-girlfriend, now widow. I'm a ghost. What?

These are spooky. Cabin, batting a thousand dude with these emails loving it. My then girlfriend and I were hanging out at our apartment with our friend Cedric. Something in the conversation led my girlfriend into an argument about money, I think.

Which turned out to be one of the longest, most vicious in our entire relationship. Whoa, dude. Poor Cedric, desperate to distract us from our fight. Poor Cedric. Suggested that we go out to get some

drive-thru and rent a movie and maybe just forget about the whole thing. Man, when you're trying to tell somebody to forget about the whole thing. Look, Gina Rollins, look, Peter Falk. Let's just go. Let's go somewhere else. By the way, is that a thing you say get some drive-through? I think so. Yeah, I get some drive-thru.

I mean, I guess it's just better than say fast food. It means going to get drive-through food. I guess it's like... I understand what he meant. In this town, you have five options, I guess. Oh, right, yeah. Sit down Chinese barbecue The drive-thru

Gyner We ended up fighting in the car The entire way To the fast food restaurant And then And then over at the blockbuster Fighting in the blockbuster Dude I've been there

Cedric We wanted to rent Napoleon Dynamite We should just come out on video Because we heard how funny and clever it was Ced him losing points We bickered the whole way back To the apartment as well

Good enough money for Napoleon Dynamite? We don't have money for anything. Got Napoleon Dynamite money. Well, they did. They transferred to bickering, which is a lesser than fighting, I think. By the way, when is Cedric pulling the fucking injector seat on this one, man? You know what?

Why is there a third wheel to begin? The second they start fighting, it's like, oh, you know what, guys, I got a... I just, I don't know, it's Napoleon Dynamite Times. I got a beep, I guess. Cedric, it's not about you. We still both love you. This isn't your fault.

Once there, however, we were at least able to stop arguing but long enough to eat our food and watch the movie. Nice. But throughout the film, hold on, the timetable is all off here. You get the fast food. Then you stick that in the car. Then we're going into the blockbuster. We're going up and down the aisle.

No way. Yeah, but they put it in under the hood by the engine. Oh, right. So it's good. You're doing this all wrong, guys. Your car smells and your food's cold. Great. I just called Burger King

Paulian Dynamite. What's the deal with a stupid fucking haircut? Why's he dancing like a moron? Oh, I said, directed by Mormons. That makes sense. Not a fucking Coca-Cola in the whole film.

Vote for Pedro, my arse. This is a reference to one of our classic episodes on what was, it was, I forget the time. Never say, never again. The unofficial James Bond film. Check it out. Tupays.

wagon. It was so bad even though nobody had said a word. Cedric came about halfway through the movie and abandoned us to our fight. I mean, I guess you really wanted to watch Napoleon Dynamo. Right it yourself motherfucker. What is going on? Maybe he didn't have a car and he's always

just saying, hey man, drive through right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I get it. And he's got nowhere else to go maybe. Drive through I think he's trying to get it. Oh, totally dude. By the way, watch us on YouTube to see that reference. That's sick drug ref.

No, man, Steve's too bag. You don't know which drug rev. That's true. It could get to stick and snort and suck and get drive through or you can get drive through.

That might be math what you just did. Or drive through. We somehow got through the end of the movie that arguing, but then went right back to it as soon as the credits rolled. Jesus Christ. It's like directed by Jared has. You fucking be.

you'd think the election of Pedro would have brought us all together you got to hold your Mariqui section come on you gotta something's got to I fucking get better I gotta I'm actually kind of curious how that movie holds up I hated it to begin with it I'm sure I'm right I was okay with it when it came out

yeah I saw it in theaters the opening weekend at the Albany indie theater the Spectrum that's where I saw it too can you believe it I sat there with just a grimace on my face I was like nope I saw it at the behest of someone in this room

who at the time was a noted video pirate so we might have someone in this room I don't know who it could be I don't know a noted video pirate Yeah

you say someone in this room and then the lights went out and then they came up and Chris was murdered this is a movie called Torrance out To this day I've only seen Napoleon Dynamite the one time

and I have extremely unpleasant memories of it. I have no idea of this any quality of the movie or not. It does because I was so distracted by the situation. Have you guys ever experienced a movie for the first time through the lens of a terrible situation that forced that forever colored your experience of that film? Thanks for everything that you do and keep up the great work, Nate from Texas.

Thank you, Nate. I have two on a really polar opposites. Okay. One was I was going to a trade screening of the Denzel Washington film Fences. And right as I walked out the door, my mother called me to tell me that my uncle had died. Oh, no. So then I

still went to the screening, and the whole time was just like, Dave's dead. So that I can't watch a movie anymore. Other time, and I've told the story in the air before, so I'm not going to get into it, but when me and a friend of ours went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,

kids were talking. My friend told these dudes to shut the fuck up. The dudes told us that indeed after the film, they would murder us in the street. And the whole time I just sat there thinking I was going to be killed afterwards. It didn't happen, clearly. I'm here. But so that I, every time Order the Phoenix comes around, I'm like, you know, free form or whatever, I'm just like, oh, man, I almost got murdered. That was the deathly hallows me.

Yeah, dude. Anybody else? I don't, I don't think so. I can't really remember. I had a similar situation. I think it was the, uh, God, did you? Jennifer Aniston J. Moore

movie. Uh-huh. Picture perfect. Oh, fuck. I think that is what it's called. That I was with a friend of mine who was in, like, the biggest fight with his girlfriend. And you were the third wheel?

She was there. I was just there because, like, he... The drive-through. Not yet. No, his mother wouldn't let him go unless I went with him. Oh, okay. type situation. Yeah, because it was early

your chaperone. Yeah, kind of like You go on a date with your friend and make sure he doesn't get his dick sucked in the theater. If they do any funny stuff

interject yourself and make it a three-way. No, no, nobody's dick was going to suck that in it. No, that wasn't happening. So this is the problem of the screening. That's what color is your view of the film.

Well, because they kept on sniping at each other during the movie. I wasn't really engaged with the material anyway. It doesn't matter though, man. There's a film on screen. I don't care if it's fucking Citizen Kane or Mobile, the movie that's coming out. There was... Playmobile.

And I might have told this on the air, but I'm not sure. A long time ago, it was my freshman year of college, buddy of mine, got us tickets. Me, him, and his girlfriend were going to a Halloween show for Tool. That's awesome. Let's do it. That's, you know, Maynard James Geegan loves Halloween. Exactly. It was like, this is

cool, you know, tool is cool. It was like 2000, whatever, 2000. They're not cool anymore, I don't think. These are lateralist days, my friend. I was like the specific demo for tool that it just didn't have. That's actually really surprising. With the rest of the tunes you listen to, that's very surprising. I was okay with that perfect circle album.

I'll tell you that much. He picked me up in Westchester. Uh-huh. And on the way, it. The county in New York. He gets out of the car to say, hey, man, what's going on? She's driving. is like yeah we just broke up on the way up here and then we all proceed to get in the car

come on and we went to this fucking show and like that sucks he clearly broke up with her and she was upset about what is the matter with him i do not know i do not know i'm not mentioning proper names here but fuck did he apologize to you and uh maybe i think he uh got me some drive-thru we're doing all right I remember. Even better. I remember, and I used to do this as a kid a lot, like, just because he'd be on long car trips. But I pretended to sleep both ways. Nice. And I was in the back seat, and it was just like, which is actually both good and bad because like, then not everyone's on their best behavior because he's sleeping anyway.

But at the same time, it's like, I just don't want to be here right now. Dude, you just reminded me one time I was in high school. I went with a co-worker from the multiplex We drove to a venue in western Massachusetts To see Beachwood Sparks and the Shins At this like Rattie Club Oh, I remember this And it was so it was me

This co-worker, his wife And then the wife's friend from work And on the drive back from the show Great show It was like before the shins were famous. Was this supposed to be like a double date kind of a thing or not so? No, no, no, no, no. I was, yeah. It was

like me, the co-worker was a dude and the husband and wife. And the wife was really cool. I knew her a little bit. I'd never met the friend before. On the drive back, so it's like Western Mass back to the Albany area, maybe like an hour or so. My co-worker

and his wife's co-worker, a friend or whatever, got in a huge fucking music fight over like whether or not teenage fan club was a good band this dude and it was going on and it was getting heated and I just like put my head against the window

and just pretended to sleep while I listened to these people fight inously for such a gentle band either or I don't know it was a vicious fight over teenage fan club anyway Chris Cabin do it yeah it's a chest burster all right okay alien

references. Okay, spooky. I've read this one, yeah. It's for real spooky. Allions. Is this your opera aliens based on the James Cameron movie? Yes. Okay. When my friend Jason was around 12 years old. Drown in a lake. He was really into horror movies

and Fangoria magazine, as many of us were. Fungo. I'm not sure. I was never, you know, I picked up like an episode, like a I was never a fango guy. I think I bought one, one or two of them. Never, never, never, uh, purchased a fango oria magazine tenor. Never, never did it. I never, yeah, I wasn't one for purchasing magazines.

Oh, really? Wizard magazine, as you know. Uh, one year he saved up and ordered away from the back of the magazine a kit for casting your own alien chest poster out of latex. Cool. Uh, yeah, it's kind of us. Laytex. Real cool.

it's probably good like fuck it like what is the latex well we'll get to that era oh no fuck

the kit came with flesh colored latex that you would later paint with the excitement and innocence of a 12 year old boy

he made the flesh colored rubber chestburster and stashed it in his sock drawer I see and painted it with his bodily fluid

oh I don't have to read anything Thanks for writing it. His mother was snooping in his room and came across the thing which like all of HR Gagher's design is unavoidably phallic even if it is...

Oh, good, that's great. If it is a sharp-toothed little monster with arms. When he came home from school, she confronted him with it, shaking the floppy monster in his face. What do you think you are? Richard Gere?

Oh, man. What? what do you do with this thing you freak whoa hold on if your son is discovering chest bursters yeah you just got to let it unfold yeah you have to be okay with this ask him if he's being safe I mean the dildo with little arms maybe that may not I don't know yeah I don't know there's other things a little arm could do

tickling something exactly you don't know to get it up there Can we talk about this chest buster? That's the, that's the movie. I saw this weird toy in your, you know, A, I would leave it alone. Just like birthing a child, raising and loving this child, scream at it, that's a freak. Yeah, not a great idea.

Not good. Although, what, this is the 80s probably? Yeah, that's also true. He tried to. He got off light. Yeah. He tried to explain, Mom, Mom, it's a child. chest burst her.

But she didn't know what that was. Of course she didn't. Was she watching Alien? I don't know. Maybe she's reading Fango, too. Maybe she is. Yeah, that's possible. You never know.

Fangom moms right in. Fangomom. Hashtag Fangomomom. That a Tumblr. Hope I meet some hashtag Fangom moms out in the West Coast. Get a picture taken with a Fangom. They're out there, dude.

They are out there. They are out there. he didn't know about sex toys so he didn't understand why she was upset yeah oh he learned quick milf mom i'd like to fango yeah mom mom i would yeah it's something we'll get on chris sorry work on it next month we'll come back to it sure he was punished and had his dream of the greatest Halloween costume taken away, but despite the years of therapy for a sexual issue, he didn't have

a sexual issue, he didn't have ended up in a special effects career anyway. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. The therapy is, it's either like, now we're either lying, we're making a joke. No, that's my question, though, is did this mother then be like, all right,

you pervert? Yeah. And put him into therapy? Sounds like it. That's not cool. You better hope that the psychiatrist was an alien, It sounds like the chest burster was confiscated and then his time was confiscated towards a therapy over this sexual issue.

But what is the issue? There is no issue. Stick things up his ass. It's every American's right. Look, as long as it comes back out, fuck it. So when it comes back out, then you fuck it again. Yeah, for sure. That's just stupid.

Yeah. This woman's an idiot. JP, by the way, this guy did not want to give as well. Yeah. And it's a common enough tale. Well, thank you, Mr. Jurassic Park, for your letter. We have a chest burster. Got up my butt. Oh, mommy, let me see the sex toys.

Ooh, that tickled John. Andrew almost choked on that beer. Which I just want to remind everyone that this is also on YouTube, and you can see that. You almost see the spit tape. That's a hot choking action. Viral moment. Viral moment. I do like your

rubric for a good time and just so long anything can come go in so long as it comes back out again Hey man because you don't want to go to the emergency No exactly this fucking micro machine It was fun going in But it's fucking taking up space

Yeah your sense of mass It'd be kind of the same Yeah exactly Well I guess you lose a couple pints of Ejaculate Pints Pints of ejaculate Holy shit

This is John Holmes motherfucker over here. Look at this guy. I mean, Peter North, excuse me, slinging fucking webs like Spider-Men's Manhattan. It's not an actual hose. Pints! Also, I should say

a perfect reason to watch it on YouTube is to watch Eric's hand motions and he says, Pints of ejaculate. Really lovely stuff. Pints? Oints? You would say ounces, I think.

A couple grams. 21 grams. When you do. died, did you lose 21 grams of, you know. No, yeah. Ejacular. No, Benicio, that's what the 21 grams is. It's not your spirit or anything. It's just the cum. David Caridine lost 21 grams.

Oh, yeah. Then he lost 21 more. Okay, next letter. Nice. American fraudulent Institute. Oh, shit. Hey, gang, long-time listener, first-time email. Ooh.

The recent talk about the AFI and the spectacular season reminded me of a quick antidote I thought might be worth rattling off you. Rattle away. I'm sure you've all been in the position as the movie expert to various friends and family. That's where I would usually find myself.

I'm a braggard. Yeah, I'm a bit of the movie expert myself. I know what they're talking about, though, but it does fucking stink, especially around family. You know what stinks is no one cares. Literally no one talks to friends, family. No, well, I guess you guys.

the friend. Most of friends. Cabin's an acquaintance. I'm more of a well-wisher. Me and Eric are buds. I was sick, dude. We're buds. Yeah, we get drive-thru. All right, where was I? That's where I usually find myself when my pals got too drunk to remember whether or not a whale consumed

the Nokia, not consummated. now that's a movie damn disney put this out oh my little binocchio you put your splinter now look as long as it's at the coma back out better of whale shoots pines oh yeah

yeah that's actually scowlots at least that's what the ocean is marine biologist right in or when my cousin needed to know if Leatherface was a real person like the movie poster said. It wasn't as annoying as it sounds in a pre-smartphone age. Back around 2006, my friends and I returned

home for the summer from our various colleges to reunite at a river house. Fuck, it's like the big chill. I was about to say what he says next. Like a bunch of little rich boys, girl. Yeah, for sure. One of my friends was particularly

excited for me to meet a friend he had made at school who he brought with him, which also, you know, If you're reunited with your high school friends This is outrageous. This is outrageous. Don't bring a new person in. No, fuck this person.

This person on the outside of all the end jokes and the memories and the good times. All right. And we'll call them Phil. And also like you're trying to finally get together with Heather and now this guy's fucking fucking now Phil's fucking fingering her in the fucking boathouse, dude.

Phil's spilling bites in the boat house. Giving her a tasting flight. Come on. God damn filth it's terrible delete this podcast you never heard it

don't let your parents hear this unless your mom's a fango mom she's probably pretty cool with it hey man fango moms

to the front of the line let me see your leather face tattoo welcome to the inaugural episode of fango moms stand back give the fango mom

some room Oh, Fango Moms to the dance floor. That's what they do when they play the Monster Mashed. So Phil's excited. Oh, sure. The reason for the excitement is Phil's granddad was on the board of directors for the American Film Institute. Whoopty fuck. This is a, this is a rich boy, right?

Yeah, exactly. like, piece of shit. Within two minutes of talking movies with Phil, I brought up John Carpenter's Halloween for whatever reason. Oh, that's a good one, he said. Didn't Sam Ramey direct that? Nope, fuck you, Phil. See you later.

Definitely don't finger what's her name in the boathouse. Rigget. Bethany, what is the characters? Heather. Heather, there it is, yeah. For no reason. I thought I was being set up because Sam Ramey had been one of my favorite filmmakers. for a few years at that point.

My friends took note of me trying to explain that no, Sam Ramey directed Evil Dead movies, and John Carpenter directed Halloween. What is it trying to explain? Just say it. That's the thing. You're just like disagreeing with him, I guess? Like, no, no, no. Sam Ramey directed Halloween. He's got to plead

to Kate. This is awful. What a fucking horrible situation. Film arguments are the worst. They are awful. Sadly, by the way, Martin's Presby's correct. Moving on. 100%. I mean, you know, you can...

The list is up. It might be Sam Ramey at this point. They might have gotten to him. Yes, this is... We're recording this a little ahead of time, but, you know. Well, you guys didn't know. Pedro Almodovar. Almodovar just weighed in.

He did. He said they're not characters because they're not sexual. It's the most Almodovar thing he could ever say. Pretty great. They need to fuck more. The cool thing is I am in contact right now. Oh, really? With a psychic who's reaching back to find out just what Charlie Chaplin thinks about these Marvel movies.

On the next mailbag, I'll weigh in. He's not talking. Don Cassavetes has a few opinions. Now we're talking about this real quick. But you can love those movies. I love plenty of those movies. But you could love low art without demanding it to be higher.

Yeah. And also like, you know what? Martin Scraise has earned the right. to say I like this movie and I don't like that. And who cares? Who also cares? That's the, that's the greatest question is who could possibly give a shit. Why do these kids care?

Like, I think... It's not just the kids. James Gunn is having like a mental breakdown. That motherfucker is going to dial it back. He's got to dial it right back. Well, he's got to look good in Disney's graces. That's right. Of course. Booted. I mean, like, I just feel like Martin's, if I was hanging out with Martin Scorsese

and I put on a movie, I'd be positive. I'd get it wrong. Of course. a waste of my fucking time, Stephen, and he would leave. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? Exactly. And I would still respect the man, probably even more. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. Remember the balls to fucking walk out on you. Scorsese is someone you want to kick you.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, we're talking about Phil here. Sure. His wrong ideas. So where was I here? Now, sadly, being at a river cabin, we had no internet access. So it was my word against his.

Could no one else weigh in? This is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. You need better friends. No, if you're not friends, no Halloween, a movie you love, or Sam Ramey. Go check the boat house. See what Heather thinks. Sam Ramey's your favorite filmmaker at this time and you didn't force your friends to watch him.

Come on. Fucking redonculus. Of course, my dickhead friends quickly decided that the grandson of some, the grandson of some AFI, dumbass said it, it must be true. They couldn't believe that I had found someone who, excuse me,

they couldn't believe they had found someone who knew more about movies than I did, which is so fuck the AFI, I hope Phil listens to this show and remembers this and knows what his grandfather perpetuates bad intel on films just like he did. Intel.

Phil forgot it, I bet. Phil doesn't know what you're talking about. Yeah. Phil, yeah, Phil doesn't remember. Phil doesn't care. Hey, baby, get in here. Yeah, Heather, come here. Remember that time I fucking got that geek about the whole Halloween, evil dead shit, fucking rip that nerd a new one. Phil had some drive-thru on the way there, some drive-thru on the way back. He doesn't remember this. No, that's true. And his attention was on Heather, as we all know.

Exactly. As we all know. And you were there, Matthew, so you know that. That's who wrote this letter. But by the way, He goes on to say, what about you guys? Have you ever had an argument about a basic movie fact that you knew was right and get stonewalled by stupidity? Keep up the good work and have a happy Halloween. Yeah, it was called Four Years and Fucking Film School. Every turn.

Every turn there was an argument. I don't remember any specific ones. Chris Cabin and I have had our blowouts over the years. Oh, sure. All have had our blowouts. And that's just like young, angsty film guy garbage. Yep. Eventually you become a mid-30-year-old.

Either it filters out of your system or you become one of these fucking rejects that's arguing about Martin Scorsesee and Coppola on the fucking internet. Just quote tweeting everything. There's no benefit to it. Everyone likes whatever they like. The show is called We Eight Movies,

but it's also just, it's an open door. You like it, we don't, we like it, you don't. It's all crazy. Yeah, it's all totally acceptable. I still don't understand that whole debate. So I guess we were just talking about movie arguments. movie arguments. I don't have any specifics

because I feel like we've so many. Yeah, that's like a tidal wave. It's just one like huge ball of white light in my brain and I can't, you know, and so many nights just screaming. A lot of it was also while we were like just drunk off when you. Blackout. Oh yeah.

The worst kind of drunk. Probably another reason why I don't remember too many specifics about those fights. You wake up in a pile of your own vomit. Your head feels like it's been in a vice and you're like, what was I yelling about? Sam Fuller. Something. I know

that much. Totally, dude. I wake up sleeping in the bathtub and I'm just like I was right about Koyana Scottsi. Fuck that guy. All right, here we go. So let's see. Next one is me. That's what grownups do. Hey guys. I've been a fan for a long time

now and y'all have gotten me through many a tough spot in life. Thanks so much. You're very welcome. Thanks so much to you. You never have to say thank you. I hope that the time... I hope that the times have gotten better. I've been thinking about the story for a while now and I finally decided to let it live a life outside of my head.

I was, oh, God. Well, that's a big decision. That's a lot. So I hope you're cool this being on a podcast. Let's see here. I was 14 growing up in a small suburb of Dallas, Texas. My mom's whole family, though, was in a rural, tiny place in Western Kentucky. Eep. We visited with some

frequency and I was fairly close with my cousins who lived there. Undoubtedly, I was closest with my older girl cousin. And at the time, she was 16 to 17 years old. Worldly Worldly at 16. I mean, to a 14 year old's eyes. She probably right, catch her in the

rye or something. That's what worldly meant at that age. She once walked to the county line down by those haulers and came back. Live to tell about it. You live to tell about it. You go near the McConnell clan. You don't come back. Worldly and knew everything there is to know about pop

culture and of course boys. She had a steady boyfriend of a couple of years and they had a date planned one weekend when my family was up visiting. In true family fashion she was required to take me along with them. Oh, there's a cabin situation. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. You got cabined.

The date chaperone. So semi-relectantly, my cousin dressed me up in her denim miniskirt and a flashy top, and off we went. She gave me the rules of engagement on the way. Sit in front of us, a couple rows at least. Don't tell the folks anything.

If we go somewhere else, you wait in the car. Oh, man. You know, the usual. Yikes. Yeah, I know it. It's not worldly, it's mean. Yeah. I was fine with it because we were seeing Freddy versus Jason,

and I couldn't be more excited. Okay, sure. You know, it was a big time in our lives. Everybody was finally excited. and see those two monster's meet up. Sure. It's Clash of the Titans. It's going to be garbage, but it would be good garbage, maybe.

So we met the guy there, and he was nice. He got me a Coke and popcorn, so how bad could he be? I chose to sit one row in front of my cousin and her boyfriend, which violated rule number two immediately. I mean, I was 14 and acting tough, but I was legit scared. Whatever. The movie starts, and naturally I hear what could only be making out. The very noise.

It's still me. Eric is auditioning for the Police Academy remake. That guy was a treasure. Yeah, he was a wonderful man. Michael Winslow. You got 40 bucks you can get him for this weekend. I just saw me. He'll record a cameo for you.

I rewatched Spaceballs and it's better than ever, which is weird. Oh, really? It doesn't make sense to me. Spaceballs is back, huh? Yeah, it's back. Because the last time I watched it, it was out. interesting I knew better than to turn around

so I just focused on the bloodbath of a movie then there were the moans someone's not paying attention to Prudy Jason nervously How crowded is this theater? Yeah that's a great question I mean it's yeah I don't know

Pretty Rose Jason opening night That sounds pretty big To various bases all over the theater West side of Kentucky though Oh maybe yeah No mom's out there the fango moms all went to the preview screening the radio station they got drinks beforehand at the fango mom meetup they were big on four square for a while i just now want to meet some fucking fango moms fango moms if you're out there steve sateak we're coming to the west coast oh they got t-shirts

uh nervously i started to get up and move but my cousin goes it's fine sit down we're done i promise I should have known. Oh, I should have known. So I sit again, and the moans are replaced by zipper sounds. How many zipper sounds? Honey, I'm really into zipper play. Zz. Oh.

Oh. Keep jamming my franks and beans in there. Intense breathing and, you know, the natural conclusion. Oh, man. Pines and palms. I was disgusted and frozen in my seat. But no sooner than I began to relax again, then here comes my cousin's hand around from behind me.

Held up to my face and she... Fucking, what? Come on, what? What? I'm about to read this, and I almost fucking... The hat almost flew off my head. I'll start over. Held up to my face and she whispers,

smell that? That's what grown-ups do. Wait, what? Wait, you're smelling jizz? Yeah, I mean, I guess so. She lived in a De Palma movie? Here's some fucking dick cheese smell. Yeah, I mean, ew.

Never in my life had I been more disgusted, and then the combination of that and the bloodiness of the movie sent me literally running to vomit. For bloodiness of the movie. Yeah, yeah. Not just bloody gist. Yes, good, good call. Yeah, because that guy would have to go to the doctor.

Yeah, yeah. It's a great place to be. My cousin came to get me at the end of the movie and acted like nothing happened. We've never discussed it again, and honestly, I never want to. She's happily married to a non-sleeze ball now, and I don't know what happened

to the lucky gentleman of that evening. Now, here's the thing. Just because this guy got jerked off in a fucking 2003 slasher film nobody wanted to see. Doesn't mean he's a sleaze ball. No, I mean, honestly, she's the sleaze ball. And also jerking anybody off doesn't make you a sleaze ball.

It's the smelling of the hand that you're turning this into a thing. It's the cousin. It's not the dude. Yeah, I know, it's the cousin. No, exactly. That's what I mean. The lady is the sleaze ball. Exactly. The cousin is the sleaze ball. That's why the lady is a sleaze ball.

Crazy. Thanks for listening to this mildly predatory letter from my childhood. And I would love to know if any of your older siblings or close relatives ever grossed you out, in such a graphic way. Keep up the strong work, gentlemen. Not those numbers. No. One time I had a chest burst. Yeah, no, I only have one older sibling. That never happened. But this was the cult, this, like,

there was something in the culture where that was a pretty kind of, or hands smelling? Like, like, smell my finger, dude. Yes, definitely. There was a smell my finger situation. This is the sitcoms, I think, did this one. American Pie did a lot more damage. And like Jizz was like a prop comedy at that point. Absolutely. Even Gallagher got into it. It's coming back.

In a big bad way. I bet you, Bud Bundy said smell my finger at some point. Yeah. And it wasn't that he had done it. He was perfecting some like vat of chemicals that smells what he thinks it is upstairs. Oh, he's going to sell it? Yeah.

Ted Bundy did the same thing. Yeah, gross. All right, Steve Sadek, last letter of the evening. And it looks like it just might be pretty spookacular. Freddie Kruger teacher. Dear to WHM, as a kid, I was a horror movie coward like me. And growing up with older siblings, I was unfortunately, for me at the time, exposed to a lot of them, much younger and more impressionable age.

Ooh. One of the main horror movies that scared me was a nightmare in Elm Street and its villain, Freddie Krueger. the movie scared me so much that no matter what it was the movie opened with the new line cinema logo I would immediately bolt out of the room and wait until the movie started started before returning back to the living room to watch I got the same thing but with the TriStar horse

yeah the TriStar that thing is it Why? Because I thought it was going to trample me It's like you're watching the Lumiere brothers in the theater But it wasn't like you saw something that TriStar put out and it spooked you and I don't know Terminator is kind of spooky Every time the 20th century Fox logo

started I was like Star Wars is going to happen right now Are we watching Star Wars? No that's my cousin's I remember when the Orion I think Terminator was Orion Yeah yes It's not try to start

Whenever I saw Terminator 2 is Maybe but Terminator 1 is Orion Originally but like They also did Robocop So whenever I saw the Orion And I was like, oh, Ryan. That was, it was, I get that for, when I see Orion, I think signs on the lamps, yeah.

My parents decided not to use this fear as a bit of a tool in their day to day. My parents decided to use this fear as a bit of a tool in their day-to-day parenting. There it is. I was not always the most well-behaved kid. Uh-oh. And would sometimes not want to do the things my parents asked of me. So you were a kid. That's fun.

So whenever I refuse to do something, my mother or father would tell me, if you don't brush your teeth tonight, Freddie Krueger is going to get you. That's so fucked up. Or I'm going to call Freddie Krueger. He's a child, a literal child murderer. I'm going to call Freddy Krueger and tell him you don't want to go to school. What does he have a fucking hotline?

Oh, I can't. Henry, June, I can't just be coming over to your house three, four times a week. I'm busy. This is ridiculous. Listen, look, you put him on the phone. I won't do the tongue thing. I just want, I'll talk to him. I'll get him.

Talk this kid off the ledge, all right? I'm going to be the dad. I guess you can't be the dad, Dave. I'll step in old Fred Kruger who's going to play the role of Dave tonight. Your stupid kid can't go to sleep. It's not Fred Kruger's problem. You couldn't wrap it up, Dave.

Listen, you're not an Ohio kid. You're fine. Okay? You're nowhere near Elm Street. It's literally kids who live on one street, okay? It's in the fucking title. I mean, Jeff, it's one cigarette. Kid had one cigarette.

If I really go over there, there's not going to be any kid left. You ever see Johnny fucking Depp after that scene? It was a puddle of nothing. Yeah, his dad gave me a ring. He wasn't going to bed on time. Look what I did to that freak. And do you think that dad could use that room anymore? Nope.

You got to sell that house, Jeff. for a loss this would immediately send me into a frantic state where I made sure I did whatever task I was asked to do

to make sure that I didn't draw the wrath of Freddie Kruger yikes man as I got a bit older I began to actually enjoy and watch more horror movies including the nightmare franchise

that will never forget the days of having my parents motivate me by fear thanks for the many years of laughter Kevin wow do you think like

the whole trauma about the New Line logo lasted though like he went to see fucking Lord of the Rings and it just comes up and he's like and just fucking had to bolt you know and it didn't happen when he saw Mortal Kombat because as you know once the New Line

the clapper board starts starts to come together you just hear Mortal Kombat you know you're watching Mortal Kombat that's what it all should have been Lord of the Rings phenomenal because I just rewatched nightmare it's that flashing red one yes I don't remember any other movie

that's right Actually, yeah. Listen, buddy, the only time I come on screen it's gonna be a flashing red logo. I wish your parents weren't such jerks. I just, you seem like a really nice kid is what I'm getting at. Maybe there's a thing, though.

Maybe we're talking one of the sequels. Oh, maybe. Because I don't know how many of them utilized that the red and black. That was, I think, only definitely the first one. I don't know, but the second one might have. I don't recall either. I know what that switch happened.

That second one's a great movie, by the way. They really go one, two, three, four, five, six. Yeah. Have you guys ever been motivated by fear? Like your parents motivate you fear. I got some of them. Oh, yeah. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Is this where your interesting Jason started? No, well, set the stage. I grew up with not only my parents, but my grandmother and my great-grandmother. Stacked in this house. Yeah, super old Europe. I mean, my great-grandmother who I grew up with,

you know, raised me equal to the rest of the. It was very weird. Yeah, sure, yeah. It's midsummer. Yeah. Go watch it. Oh, congratulations. You were great in it, by the way.

She was born in like 1890. Yikes. You can't, you know, she's dead. You can cancel her all you want. Sure. They would always threaten that they would sell me to a traveling band of Romani that would come through performing. Ooh, wow.

Which I think might have been an actual peril. Perilsome situation, perhaps, in the old country. Yeah. But I believed it. Oh, really? He was always just like, I would like get afraid of like, oh, my, like I did it this time. I'm going to hear tambourines down the street. And I'm sorry to say that, but that.

No, that's just what happened. Wow. Yeah, my parents just yelled. Yeah, a lot of yelling. I just love the, I love that idea, though. You're just, you're afraid of it. Are you still a little afraid of it? No.

Okay. But I do remember it pretty well. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. You're going to be kidnapped. Yeah, my mind conjuring what their caravan would be. Perhaps the life would have been better. They would have been liberators.

Take me now. They would have welcomed them as liberators. Yeah, on the open road, you know? Oh, he smells a hot potatoes. Play music, go to the drive through. Anybody else? Parents striking fear through pop culture. No, just the yelling as well.

I'm not going to get into all my childhood trauma today, guys. We don't have the time. No, we definitely do. have the time or the interest no no definitely not that is w a gem mailbag for the month of october everybody thank you for writing in if you want your wild stories read on the air or if you have a question for us write it in the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com that's where you can get at us uh but until next time catch us on tour uh november 6 through the 10th those dates w hm podcast dot com they're up there ready to go and otherwise have a happy Halloween until next time

i'm andrewing stephen say it at chris cabin eric sister take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.