We Hate Movies - WHM Mail Bag: Lecherous Jeff Goldblum, Cheap Proms, and Ruined "Midsommar" Screenings

Episode Date: August 30, 2019

On this month's Mail Bag, the guys read letters about Jeff Goldblum being a creep, idiot parents taking pictures of their kids watching Toy Story 4, proms with cheap entertainment, and heinous monsters ruining a screening of Midsommar. If you want your wild stories read on the air, or if you have a question for the gang, write into the mail bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. What's going on, everybody? Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag. I am Andrew Jupin alongside Stephen Zadak, Christopher Cabin, Eric Siska. We are here, like every month, to read your letters. I do want to mention that this is a side show we do where we read your letters because you, the listeners, are teaching us how to read. because I really am not great.

No. No, but you know, every day's a new challenge, man. Someday you will get there. And I'm still a very young man. Yeah, totally. You're getting your reps in now. You'll get there. Reading anatomy.

It's a lot of stuff you've got to learn. And also, this is a wedding ring, folks. So just, like, cool it with all the comments. Everyone, my fucking DMs blow up so often. It's really disgusting. When you're talking about Eric reading poorly? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It turns people on. Oh. They don't call it hooked on phonics for nothing. I thought you were talking about Hot Steve Summer. Oh, it's a Hot Steve Summer, all right. It is Hot Steve Summer. Speaking of Hot Steve, why don't you get a start? Is there at Hot Steve starters?

That's right. That's more wine, you fucking lush. Goldblum is the title of this letter. Greetings to you, we hate movies. Hi. Hello there. I read ahead about this, by the way. These come up on these stories a couple of times a month.

Yeah. It's a celebrity encounter. And these are always allegedly stories. I don't know from Adam, who's telling me the truth. No idea. We have an unverified Gmail account that just sort of dumps, that you can just dump your shit into. Right. We don't have fact checkers. We don't have lawyers. No. No. Allegedly. This could all be from Eric, for all we know. Oh, shit. You write into the mailbag, dude? I think actually... Did you sock puppeting this fucking mailbag? What's going on? Let's let's say this legally. All these are written by us. us, and it's all just fun and games. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Exactly. I think that's the way to place it. Maybe we didn't write them, but this is most certainly for entertainment purposes. Instead of a grain of salt, take a whole bucket. Do a bucket of salt?

My God, what are you fucking plow on a driveway? I'm plowing something. Oh, please read the email. Speaking of it, I'm sure Goldblum plows something in this. Goldblum fucks, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. Sex, maybe.

It's probably a killer, but anyway. What? allegedly since Jeff Goldblum at the peak of his duie youth is heavily featured in this week's

Patreon commentary oh that's right we did one on Independence Day that's now on patreon.com slash we hate movies and if you're

watching this on our YouTube channel there's some preview clips just click on that you know our username there and subscribe

down there somewhere around here oh shit no we can we find exactly where it is there it is Sure. Nailed it. Nailed it. I thought this would be the perfect time for me to tell my Goldblum story.

It was the summer of 2005, and my parents had taken me and my younger sisters to see a matinee of Spamelot on Broadway. Little rich girl over here going to Spamla on Broadway. There was a hot ticket in 2005. It was. In the theater next door, Jeff Goldblum was in the production of The Pillow Man. Uh-oh, creep fest. My youngest sister, who was 17, and let's be honest, very well endowed, saw that Goldblum had come out of the stage door and was signing autographs. She made a B-line for him and asked me to come and take a picture if she managed to get his autograph.

I wasn't an idiot and an older than her at 21. I knew I wanted to see what happened, so I followed behind. My sister pushes her way to the front. Hold on. I love how this writer is like, I want to see where this goes. You know what? Well, I think she's probably looking out for her younger sister. Oh, that's the way. Okay.

My sister pushes her right to the front of the throng of people with me literally holding onto her push strap. He's finishing up talking to someone when he spots my sister, who again is 17. And then it's like no one else is there in the entire world. Yeah. He turns and walks towards her, and then he puts a hand on his chest and exclaims loudly,

Well, aren't you a fresh bouquet of spring flowers? Yeah. Wow. Oh, well, aren't you a fresh bouquet of spring flowers? Wow. I'm sorry, I could catch a flight to Jeff Epstein's island. Oh, oh. Allegedly.

That's very allegedly. I don't think he was involved, but this is. That's extra allegedly. Clinton Foundation. She froze. I froze. It felt like. Like the whole world stopped.

He was talking about my sister's bountiful spring flowers. Yes, her breast. Yeah, we got it. Did not need that parenthetical. It's happened. Wait, what are breasts? Well, maybe we did. Bend over and I'll show you.

You're saying, I don't know biology. You say, I don't know biology. I don't know how you're seeing breasts if you're bending over, though. What are you talking about? And Chris, you've got to get... Swelling down, dude. You've got to get off the insane tab on Pornhub and go to the regular tab. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're talking about yaboes.

Oh, okay. Yava, that's okay. Oh, yes, and this is the August mail bag, so stay tuned for an episode of September where we talk about Yaba. Because you're just watching Slovenians shit in sinks. Yes? You like those two, dude? Fully clothed, yeah.

Yeah. It's great. Clothed female nude sink. You have to do like the quotes on that to get the whole thing. I want it all. I want all that. Yep, exactly. He wasn't just talking about them.

he was nakedly staring at them. Get a good look, Kstanza? He puts a hand out to shake her hand and suddenly we both burst out in nervous laughter. He was very eagerly, he very eagerly asked if she wanted a picture, and I had to snap one while he put her arm around her

and crunched her way too close. He didn't do the Keanu thing, which I've seen it, it's a really awesome move. It's the, my hand is wide open. Absolutely. And I'm not even touching it. It's like, it's the ghost of my, like, oh yeah, we're, we're, you know, kind of getting close.

It's me, you, and then a ghost who I'm then clutching the arm of. Exactly, which is the move. And it works for both germophobes and for people that don't want to be creeps. It's called the, this could be evidence move. After she freed herself,

we ran back to her, my parents, and middle sister had been waiting for us. Oh, that poor middle sister did get involved. I know, she got left out of the whole thing. Sorry, Jan. We told the story while battling fits of laughter And the incident is still legendary in our family As for the picture of my sister and the lecherist Jeff Goldblum My parents had it on their fridge

Until they moved nine years later And then what? Because how do you lose that? No, that's got to get scared That's got to be in the family archives No, I think you get framed Yes, I think so framed How dare you put that on the fridge? Sure, he's leering at my underage daughter

But it's Jeff Goldblum That's getting a fucking golden frame. Yeah, I want to meet this father. I mean, it's Jeff Goldblum. Well, the pillow man was quite the production. I mean, have you seen the fly? Honey, we're going to watch the fly. He's just amazing in it.

Maybe he's earned it. Maybe he earned it. My daughter's breasts are also fantastic. You haven't earned what he's earned, sweetheart. Were you in the fly? Allegedly earned. Allegedly in the fly. Invasion of the fly.

the body snatchers, the good one. He was in it. Now he's invading my teenage daughter's body. Oh, God. Allegedly. Well, he did, and he touched it, though. Were you in vibes? Thanks for the podcast, guys, my fiance, and our longtime listeners, and listening

to old episodes helped us get through a very recent tornado that costs us our apartment and upended our lives. Oh, Christ, almighty. We're totally grateful. Cheers Liz and Dayton, Ohio. Well, thank you, Liz. I'm grateful you're okay after that. Yeah, totally.

I, yeah. Jesus, that's terrible. I mean, an encounter with Jeff Goldblitz. I meant the tornado. Hurricane Jeff. Also, like a tornado in Dayton, Ohio. That's like every other week, right? I also want to point out, by the way, just to credit where credits do,

Liz does have a funny visual gag in this letter. The title or the subject line of this is Goldblum, G-O-L-D-B-L-O-O-N. I did that. Oh, well, Liz, maybe you're also funny. Maybe. Well done, Chris Gavin. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, I've never been hit on by a celebrity.

Certainly not at the age of 17. This is the peak of me looking okay. 17 was not bad. No, I've never been hit on by a celebrity. No, no. I should probably not talk about the time. Boris Karlo felt my knee up. Well, out of you a fresh bouquet of...

You're definitely going... Oh, yeah. Now, now you got me doing it. He was an Englishman. Oh, fuck it. The point is, Chris was molested by the mummy. Yes.

That was what I was getting to. Frankenstein. Oh, wait, now I'm saying it. You pour his call off by Frankenstein, too, right? Yeah, he definitely did. Yes, he did. He put his hand on Chris's knee and went... Oh, that's what they all do.

There's a very hilarious picture of my sister in L.L. Cool, J., who's apparently the nicest... guy in the world. Is that right? Yeah, he met her at a bus stop. Allegedly. She was at a bus stop. She asked him for a picture and he was like really, really nice about it. That's cool. Yeah. He was riding the bus? No, I don't think so. I think she was riding the bus. And he was walking by a bus stop. Yes, L.L. Cool, Jay. And she went, oh, I'm waiting for the bus and he went, what are those? But this reminds me, there was a tweet that was going around and it kind of leads into this. Someone was saying, what is a legitimately kind exchange you had with a celebrity?

Did anybody participate in that? In that tweet? I said, I said, I said, um, uh, uh, uh, Joel Schumacher, but I've told that story already. Oh, you have told that story on the air. Yeah, it was you were accidentally seeing the wrong movie. Yeah, it was very nice about it. Yeah, no, that's good. I think I referred to my John Terturo story. Uh, I went to see a play with my parents at Pace University, uh, the one down, all the way downtown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and I was like, kind of, they, it was intermission, and they had gone, uh, to the bathrooms and I was just hanging out there. I was pretty young. And I just, like, look over, and I was like, oh, that's John Tussure.

Like, I just knew him. I forget what I knew him from, probably do the right thing. You're like, you should have been Luigi and Mario Brothers. And he just noticed me looking at him, and he just, like, comes over and he's, hi, I'm John. And, like, those the whole thing is, like, I noticed you looking, you know? We talked, like, for five minutes. Oh, that's really nice of him.

You know what celebrity is really nice to me? Who? Jeffrey Dahmer. Oh, yeah, was he? Did you buy you a drink? Then I was. Then I was. Then my whole life's been like, wait, I'm not good enough to be poisoned and take it into the cell.

Drill a hole in my brain and fuck it. Here's the thing. You know someone out there has the nice Jeffrey Dahmer story. Right. He worked at McDonald's and Jeffrey came in and was really sweet about everything. Like he fucked up the order, but Jeff was cool about it. When you're a psychotic person, this is not from experience, but you need to put on that mask that semblance of reality, that semblance of being a normal, polite person. Unless you're the president,

and then you don't have to do it ever. You're right. Well, it's all out the window now. Jeff Dahmer can be president. Probably a better president. He would almost have to be. Yeah, Kevin Smith was really nice to me. He came to the Burns for a screening

of Zach and Mary make a porno. And it was before the, like, they got there super early. He made a porno with you? No. But we were standing outside, and it was like a, everyone was standing outside,

smoking cigarettes, but it was like he noticed that I was standing there like, oh, that's fucking Kevin Smith. And he was like, hey man, he just started talking to me. Oh, that's cool. And it was right before the fucking 08 election and he was telling me about how like Sarah Palin terrified him. It was fucking

great. It was a great. And then he was like this is like older, olden days Kevin Smith, because then he was like, hey man, where can we get good pizza around here? And I like pointed him in a direction and they just wandered off. And then he came back for the Q&A. You know, I tried to do that one. Well, no, I did do it accurate. I've been stopped like five times. You know,

it's not a huge deal. But this, I was at a concert. By celebrities? No, as a celebrity, as a very pseudo celebrity, this guy stopped me and he's like, oh man, you're a podcast. I'm like, oh, really cool, dude. And I start talking to him for a minute. And I, and I, I don't know why. I had a couple drinks, but I also like, I know it's awkward to ask people for pictures. So I asked him, I was like, hey, man, if you want a picture, it's really cool. And he's like, yeah, no, I'm all right. Yeah, right. That is the right call, buddy. How do you take a picture of a voice? Exactly. You're pretty much a guy at my job, so I'm all right.

Yeah, that's not going on the fringe. No, so yeah, that happened. But I'll never ask that question again. So if you want a picture, ask me. No pictures, but could you just make a joke into my phone, please? Chris Cabin, you are up. Toy Story 4 and the Curse of Parents with iPhones. Oh, right.

Has anyone seen that yet, by the? either way? No, no. Do you see this? You hear about this? Toy Story 4. Did you hear about this thing? I did not.

I didn't see it. And this, Demoian, I don't want. This fucking idiot printed something right in the paper. Look at this. It's fucking wrong. Can't be with this?

Look at this. I'm making a million dollars talking about someone making a mistake at work. He said his T. He said his T. He said his T. It sounds like Don Rickles.

All right, Chris Gavin. Go ahead. Hey guys, big fan of the podcast. Big fan of you. So I recently took my sister's kids. Hey, you want a picture? Hey, do you want a picture with me? I know I'm a huge celebrity, so I'm willing to do it.

Man, no, he does not. You can even put the flash on. I mean, I know it's dark in here. Looking at the views on this YouTube video, yeah, no one wants a picture. Sisters get to see Toy Story 4 about a week after it came out. I had already seen it with my kids. And I think most people had seen it as well since the theater was pretty empty. A double dipping on Toy Story 4.

I don't know about that. We were about halfway through the movie when a couple on the opposites. Who were up to no good? Started making trouble in his neighborhood. The Upple? The Upple. Thruple? Oh, Thruple.

I like this. I like where this story's going. Is that what you asked the guy with the phone? No. Are you sure? Just letting you know no. No. Okay.

when a couple on the opposite end of R. Row started taking pictures of their kids watching the movie. Get the flying fuck out of here. Every memory is precious. No, they're not. And your kids aren't fucking special. And one of them's probably ugly just by statistics. Of course.

I would say all of them are. This guy says, but they had the flash on. I would be, and they put the flash on exclamation point. Absolutely. The theater was. pretty empty. He already told me that. Maybe 20 people altogether. So I ignored it.

But it continued. I sat there thinking to myself, what kind of an asshole uses their flash in a movie theater? What kind of asshole takes pictures in a movie theater other than somebody trying to get the boot? A few weeks ago, I saw Crawl, the Alligator's movie based

on a Stephen Sadek recommendation. I was a totally based on a story by Steven Sadegh. Totally fun movie, but there were kids using the flash on the flashlight function to do shadow puppets on the ceiling I was like fine

school's out for summer I guess so yeah it is what it is disgraced Olympic swimmer Steve Sadek flash and move all of the sudden after they had taken

the fifth picture without realizing it I blurted out who the fuck does that in a theater one great question but two I love that this dude

was counting how many photographs are being two All right, five, that's it. I'm saying something. If it was just four and they left it, fine. One, two. Oh, come on.

Now you've taken more pictures than there are Toy Story movies. I'm fucking pissed. I then noticed that my nieces and nephew were staring at me as well as the family taking the pictures. Oh, yeah. I guess I had said it so loud that most of the theater had heard it. Well, yeah. I mean. Was it during a quiet moment in Toys?

story story for? There's a lot of those, I guess. I guess so. If people in the theater all over can hear him. Well, maybe he was screaming though. Yeah. If you scream, you're going to be hurt. I mean, five, then I would be screaming. Listener, you're justified in doing this because honestly, what kind of fucking asshole

is saying, I'm going to ruin this movie for everyone else here. Yep. Because you know, my little farts. My little special farts. I want to crystallize that in amber. Yeah, congratulations. You got someone knocked up. Fantastic. Well, to be fair, the future of the country is going to be based on your experiences with Disney movies.

That's going to be. That's going to be currency going forward. Sure. Yeah, you want to get those pictures. Get in on it now. Yeah, you're going to replace the fucking eagle on the emblem of the country or whatever. I don't know what America is. The presidential seal.

Yeah. It's going to be Mickey Mouse soon enough. Oh, yeah, dude. I looked around and realized that no one else seemed to care and that I was, oh, no, I'm the asshole. Oh, I see. That sucks. It's the cursing that gets you in the hot soup there, pal. That's true.

You are swearing in a kid's movie. Yeah, you got to be like, hey, who takes a picture? Come on, I'm trying to watch a movie over here. Gosh. Oh, gosh. That's how you do it. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, well, except for that one scene where Woody calls Buzz an Astro fuck.

I felt a little embarrassed because I usually don't do things like that. And I had already seen the movie and didn't. really care about what was happening on screen. Right. So just wondering if any of you have ever freaked out about something while watching a movie that no one else seemed to care about and then felt kind of dumb. Love the show. Simon.

No, because I'm a coward. I don't get into confrontations unless I absolutely have to. I will not initiate a confrontation because I'm a coward. Yeah. I think it's the right way to live, though, because on the way downer today, I was on in the quiet car. Sometimes we talk about this. Sure, do you. Absolutely. Metro North, not the subway system.

There are, your commuter rails. They do have the quiet car where you can just sit and read a book. It's a blessing when it works. Yeah, you're not supposed to talk on it. Right. Dude fucking listening to a baseball game on his phone. Without the headphones. Without the headphones on, just blaring.

Uh-huh. Like we have the headphone technology for. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. So I go up to him like, really like, hey, you know, if you're going to do that, go to the next car. Like this is the quiet car Here's the sign's right in front of your face And he was just like

Alright And then like the next stop 20 teenagers get on And they're just screaming and just yelling And then I look like the assesom Because like I'm not going to wade into that No definitely I wish I never said anything at all

Because now I look weird Well yeah you can't be Look look here's the thing Oh I'm never going to Teenagers are the hardest one Because A they're going to outlive you And they know that And that's like a power that they have.

Beat the fuck out of you too. They're going to beat the fuck out of you. All they do is look at it like, I don't give a shit, old man. And then your heart breaks. You're just crushed forever. Yeah. You're destroyed. Well, that was like when a buddy of mine and I saw the fifth Harry Potter movie.

Okay. And these guys behind us, I think I've told this story before. These guys behind us were just talking shit the whole time, just really, you know. And I'm a fan of the side eye. Like just given the side eye kind of thing, you know. Oh, shush. I will shush. Uh-huh.

That's it. That's as far as I go. Shushing is too passive for me. It's either the side eye or we're saying something. Yeah. I like the echo treatment when like one, the first guy into the brink will like do the thing like, hey, shut up. And like, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, a join in is totally different. But I will not be the leader of that. But my friend, you turn around and he goes, shut the fuck up. And then these dudes were like, when we leave the. this fucking theater, we're gonna fucking kill you. And then this guy was like, maybe he was pretending or he did make a phone call. And then like there was a thing

outside, run fucking 86, we're on the fucking Upper East Side. Yeah. You know, and like, these dudes like all, like, it all came together. And it was a weird thing where this guy was like, yeah, it's me and then my boys over here. And there's like four dudes 10 feet away. And the guy's like, right guys?

And the guys are like, uh, excuse me? Pardon me? And it was just like, this weird confrontation. And then it like, it diffused itself before there was a fight in fucking Yorkville you know and it was just

it was really awful but I will say we went and saw the horrendous live action Aladdin who fucking taking pictures with the flash

on the fucking movie again that's currency dude that's like Bitcoin here's Kelsey seeing her first movie fuck you and fuck your stupid kids

well was while the movie was happening while the movie is on here she's seeing the genie they say you're not supposed to have a camera dude your bootlight in the movie

He's a bootleg in the movie. Dude, well, then I saw some fucking... Yeah. There you go. Oh, I got Chris Cavett in the theater. No, but then when I saw fucking Godzilla King of the Monsters, there was some bootleg in the movie,

but it was like, when cool stuff was happening, this fucking dude was like... Fucking cool cut. He was like, oh, yeah. Oh, no. And then it was like back down when, like, dialogue happened, but then, like, more fights.

It was like, fuck yeah. This is awesome. And I'm like, man. I would like to see the cool cut of that. movie. It's a fun movie, but the cool cuts even better. It's just 30 minutes of Godzilla fights. I'm up for that. Eric Siska, go ahead with his next

one here. I was a high school ventriloquist dummy. And now I'll get to the email. Oh, well done. No, it's the subject line. I grew up in prime gym prom territory, graduated in a class of 68. I want to mention, there was the

gym prom discussion on when your high school had the prom in the gymnasia. Which was what my high school did. I wasn't here for that episode. I guess you guys thought it was outlandish. It's kind of Dijia. I thought it was for outlanders.

Oh, yeah, we are outlanders. That's true. Rent the ballroom at the Ramada. It can't be that expensive. It's a little pricey. Graduated in a class of 68. I think my graduating class was a similar number, maybe a little more.

They had to expel the last kid. Like, no, we're not having 69 high school students. Oh, class of 69. that fucking fooled me once 30 years ago not doing that again. Should have closed the school that whole year. The jokes were out of control. Out of control. No, you're expelled. I'm sorry.

I was not popular for a lot of reasons. Oh, wait. Now I will get back to the email. I was not popular for a lot of reasons. But I had a group of friends I trusted and liked. Junior prom was a big deal because somehow our class had convinced the administration that we could have

the prom away from the gym. In fact, whoever was in charge of organizing the whole thing convinced the adults to let us have the prom on the Branson Bell in Branson, Missouri. Dude, that is the fuck capital of the United States of America. Yes.

So people put a cigarette out into your genitalia there. Absolutely, dude. Yeah, it's like it's Pottersville. Us of Slovenians are taking shits, fully clothed? Yeah, uh, in sinks. Yes, yeah, no, definitely.

Lithuanian ass models? Clothed female. Males nude sinks. I love it. Lithuanian ass models. I went to prom with a male friend and when we were seen for dinner, we were under

an AC vent. Nice. That's pretty sick. And I asked if I could have his suit jacket because I was called. He said no. What a fucking dick. That is ridiculous. You fucking dildo.

Even if it is not a romantic situation, you offer the coach. You know what I mean? Put the fucking coat on this person, please. So dinner is served, it's meddling, that's okay because it matched the entertainment, rim shot. We're having a fun with this email.

I fucking do rim shots at this thing. Shots, shots, rim shot, shot, shot. The main attraction was a ventrilochist who... No, fuck, fuck, fuck the world. This is Branson. This is like all the reject of Vegas kind of thing, right? Oh, is that what it is? It's sort of like a big kind of like a casino.

of fun. Oh, I see. I thought you knew about the sex that happens. I was just making a joke. I don't know. I've never been there. I don't know what's going.

Oh, you're with the Bronson. Yeah, we fuck here constantly. Look at the length of this email. Could also be called a song of ice and fire. Yikes. No, yeah, we all sound like this here. All of us are like this. The main attraction was,

oh, I are at Ventroquist who knew how to pinch dogs. What? It looked like they were. talking so it's a dog ventriloquist animal abuse so yeah we were torturing dogs yeah i don't know about this so when uh the prom was raided by the aspcaa with guns i guess clear yeah dude they had to fucking save ruffles he was pinched to death Chris Pratt and Joel Edgerton are just busting down the door okay i don't know if he actually pinched them but this guy built the whole fucking actor on making it look like

dogs were telling his dumb jokes so I assumed the worst. That's not the worst because you definitely know what this dude was doing by the way sticking fingers in buttholes. That was talk ruffles Chris McDonald and Dirtywork. I think you like I guess you would have to like screw up their vocal cords so they don't

bark. Yeah totally. Because you don't want them to talk over you. So you like you surgically alter that dog in multiple ways. We should do this for the podcast here because people have been like, some people have said like oh I don't know about this doing video content. You guys are fucking chuds.

Sure. So maybe if we get some dogs in here, we're hiding under the couch. I'm fucking fingering that dog. And suddenly we're having a good time. Eric, you got to remember, the fingering the asshole is not what makes

dogs talk. It's fingering the pee hole. Oh, fuck. You're right. I don't know biologies. So you're going to have to teach me to find that fucking slot or whatever it is. You know what?

Maybe it's for the best we're not trying to pretend like dogs are talking. Maybe parrots? Parrots. Those are like birds. Yes, I understand what a parrot is. I am just over peehole. That's that I have just recovered.

Steve, you just lost time. It hasn't been recovered yet. Is that what your fugue states? Yes. Because this is a Branson, Missouri, there has to be an audience participation segment. In this case, the ventrokers who wanted to pull a couple people

on stage to play as dummies, as I already, gave away in the title of the email, I got picked. I was up on stage with a lovely older gentleman who was visiting with his senior citizen's Bible study group. Oh my God.

I didn't think this email could get any worse. Speaking of fingering a dog's asshole Bible study group. He offered me his arm as we went up to the stage and helped me back down as well. Nice. This old guy was trying to get laid.

Was Jeff Goldblum? It is prom night You're a bouquet of springtime flowers, young lady I remember my prom The Archduke Franz Ferdinand has been assassinated in the street I was the trigger man but no one could prove it I was busy setting up the bombing of the Lusitania The bit was simple

The dude squeezes the back of our neck Jesus fucking And we open our mouths. This is fucked up. This is, dude, hey, attention, Eli Roth. I got fucking hostile for here for you, buddy. You don't have to cross the pond for that shit. This is fucking frightening.

He uses a goofy voice to make us break character, repeat for five minutes. Needless to say, everyone from the high school was screaming and talking a lot, taking a lot of photos, sorry, not talking. Was screaming and taking a lot of photos? Screaming because they were enjoying it? Or what?

That's great. He's touching her neck. After prom, the school library did a whole bulletin board collage of the night, and me on stage with my mouth wide open was on there more than once. Jesus, this is humiliating. A quick list of other things that happened. I like this appendix at the bottom of other shit that was terrible. Notable shitty things.

My date informed me that he flat out did not. Not dance, not even for slow dances. Come on, pal. That's the easiest thing to fake. Yeah. After the dance, when a bunch of us went back to the hotel room, we all chipped in. We all chipped in on five of us got a little drunk. Chipped in on, I guess, maybe like a hotel room.

The share in the room. Oh, right. Oh, I thought I was like, wait, how is this drinking happening? You chipped in on a bottle and then you got drunk. Sorry. Come on, guys. Come on, guys. See what I was, see what was happening here was when a bunch of us went back to the hotel room,

I was imagining there was a comma there. We all chipped in on, but then there's another comma, and that's why I got confused. You know, guys, grammar is important. It very much is. Phantom comma, starring Daniel Day-Lewis. My date, roomy number six, got roaring drunk and hit under the sink in the kitchen at. The only way we got him out was when another friend ran the hot water, which made the pipes under the sink hot, and they sent my.

date tumbling out, yelling about being burned. I've been burned! I've been burned! It's a fucking fitting end for this guy. My date kept disappearing to another room in the hotel to bum weed off of a different friend who had gotten a room with her boyfriend.

Hey, I did that after my prom. Sure, that's what you're doing. Went around trying to bum weed off this dude. I did that after a live show. You want weed? I'm trying to have a night with my girlfriend here. Okay? Why don't you go find some weed down into weeds and I'm like hey who wants a picture

who wants a picture with Steve man WHM prom that's a fucking horrible night oh man that'd be something we do it though you know reach out give us money rent that ballroom Marriott or higher though here's the worst of it I found out a week after when I was

ripping my friend date a new one for being a fucking asshole he admitted that he only agreed to take me to prom because the friend who had spent prom night supplying him with weed had promised him that weed to take me to prom because he wanted me to and this is him quoting her shut the fuck up about not having a date whoa fucking hell not quite a I was just a day

I was just a stupid bet but in the area I was just a stupid joint he agreed to go with me after I made reference to being single once I remember this because I said I'd go with him as friends If he didn't have a date And the day after he accepted Here's the question

You ever get screwed like that by people Who thought you were friends And it wasn't being forced to watch A terrible movie with them Love the show Looking forward to seeing you in Portland, Oregon That's right, I believe that's November 8th 7th

Check that tour tab on WHM Podcast.com and there is no name given so thank you for the letter and I'm sorry that you had to be a ventriloquist dummy and then have like this terrible date and then worst of all meet some guy from a Bible study group

that's always the worst Portland is November 7th November 7th 2019 there it is what was the question that ended this basically would have you ever been screwed over

by somebody that you were like trying to go on a date with or something. Have you ever been stabbed in the back? You like people you trust. I probably mumbled through that one, but it was you ever get screwed like that by people you thought were your friend and it wasn't being forced

to watch a terrible movie with them. So they assume from our life experience that we've been made to watch a lot of bad movies. But have we ever gotten screwed over by a friend, which was not really a friend in like in this case? A fake friend. A fake friend. I don't think so.

I mean, like, I've had like friends of friends, I've always been pretty good about knowing who was A squad and who was B squad. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? And you don't want to involve B squad unless there's a member of A squad there to sort of balance it out. I was kind of a floater. A floater. I never really had a complete squad.

Very much not liked distinctly so. But I remember one, speaking of not watching a bad movie, I remember when they were releasing the special editions of Star Wars. this was like my Bible study group and I was so excited about it and I talked to friends about going to see Empire Strikes Back and then like I remember I was like I called up a friend to like coordinate this important mission oh super important and like their mother was like no he's seeing Empire Strikes Back with your other friend oh Bonar Jam dude wow I know and then I had to go by myself

oh but I probably saw it a few times anyway you're still pissed stuff about this, aren't you? I am actively pissed off about everything that has ever happened to me. I'm a guy that remembers any slight. Oh yeah. Oh, I don't forgive. I don't forgive. No, I'm not over high school obviously.

Quite obviously. Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to think of any specific like... Well, I can tell you how to avoid what you went through. And this is a note from young curmudgeon, Chris Gavin. Don't go to these proms. Or the dances. Dances, proms not worth it.

I didn't go to the prom because I knew nothing good would happen to be there. I went, I went with a friend. There was no, like, maybe something's going to happen. Like, she was just a friend. And then we met up with the rest of our friends. And it was totally fine. Oh, friends, nice. I didn't go.

I went to an all-boys Catholic high school. And a lot of people had girlfriends who they brought, but I just wasn't in that category just yet. So I met up with everybody afterwards, and I got blackout. and I slept in somebody's closet. It was a whole thing. Oh, yeah. Someone had a good prom night. I didn't even have that.

I, uh, yeah, there was a big, like, lake party. You remember this? Oh, yeah. By the way, after prom parties, totally cool. Go for it. It's the actual prom and the dances suck.

I, like, left early because we drove to the house to, like, set up the beer situation or whatever. There was a whole thing. I did run around that party looking for weed, finally found weed. It was the whole thing. I fucking fell asleep.

outside on the deck of this house and like a nice fucking Adirondack chair just loving life, just loving it man and I fucking fell asleep like kind of like a vampire and then the next thing I knew I woke up and there was like a quarter inch of snow on me it was May and there was a freak snowstorm in upstate New York and I woke up covered in snow

can I tell a story that I just remembered fully and it's humiliating Yes, go right now. Just sold me. It wasn't the high school prom. It was the Catholic school the whole time. I went through a K through eight grade school. Was it the Lord has risen dance?

You went to the grade school prom, dude? Not cool. I didn't want to go to the grade school. What, you did? There's a prom? This is the story. Listen, he said it's humiliating. Just let him say it.

There was a baby prom, an eighth grade baby problem. And like, you know, again, like you've been, theoretically with these people for like nine years and so on and so forth and like I had enough friends that I could have gone with and it wasn't really like

you know boyfriend girlfriend like 13 or whatever but I was like I don't want to go and what I did was it cost like 50 bucks to go and like my family growing up and had like financial problems

all the time and like a lot of my friends knew and like I would have to get pulled out of school because we didn't pay tuition that's a whole other fucking story but this is kind of common knowledge that was kind of the poor kid so what I did was I leaned in

into it. And my buddies were like, are you going to go to the problem? And I'm like, you know, I just, I kind of just can't afford it. And I, and I, and I, oh, man, you're intentionally saying this? I mean, I mean, like, probably I couldn't afford it anyway, but like, I didn't ask anybody because I didn't want to go. So then I'm like, that's what it is. Like that da-da-da-da. And I was like, oh, it's so sad. Oh, it's so sad. We'll start passing the hat around. Were you, you, you were in eighth grade here or? Yeah. I thought, I thought you were talking about you as like a senior in high school. No, no, no. I'm an eighth grade. no that would be wholly unacceptable that's what i was saying so i i go home i go home and i'm just

kind of hanging out and it's like you know the things that like seven school gets out at three at four o'clock two of my teachers show up to my fucking front door no no no no they took a collection and they gave me the ticket and they were like stephen you need to go to the prom and i'm like Stephen, you're getting laid to me. And I just was like, oh! I was like, I guess I'm going. And don't worry, Stephen.

We anticipated your response. And yes, we rented you this tuxedo. Is it okay if I just wear my jeans and limp biscuit t-shirt? Yeah. Oh, I'm going to kill myself real quick. You could bring my dead body. So I went to the fucking... Oh, let me get my tuxedo.

It's buried in the back of the... my oven. Oh, my God. Your teachers just get up on, like, in the front of all the students. Everybody. We just want you to know that Stephen is here. Thank God. It's the Pram King.

Yay. But it was a good night because then you met Jeff Goldblum there. Yeah. He was there picking flowers. Oh, my God. You were right. That is humiliating. It is the humiliating tale.

That's a bad way. Andrew, you're up. All right. And here we go, Mid-Summer 2. Hey guys, much like childhood Steve Sadek, I am scared of everything. So I wasn't planning on seeing Midsummer until you guys raved about it on the Big Daddy Dispatch, trademarked. My boyfriend and I see two to three movies a week, nice, and I haven't had a poor theater experience in a while. So we didn't expect to encounter every stereotype of horrible movie go over when we settled in.

I was already on edge because horror movie. grown-ass man sat down to my right and immediately took off his shoes putting them on the open seat in between him

and myself. This calls for an assassination. This is what happens in movie theaters across this nation and you just don't

hear about it. This is what the Archduke Franz Friedner did. That's right. He's in a plane and took his shoes off.

This was disgusting enough, but then he aggressively flipped up the armrest and turned my way so he could rest his now bare feet on the seat as well. What the fuck?

The aroma was not enticing. Yeah, this is, you know what? But you know what this is? This is, paid my ticket. That's why I paid for my ticket. I'm paying damn near $15. I don't got to wear shoes. Yep.

Here to see this Flores Pew movie. Big fan loved Lady Macbeth. No, that dude loved the rassling movie, dude. Fighting with my family. Oh, I forgot she said. When the previews began, when the previews began, he started talking very loudly to the person next to him. Normally, it doesn't matter to me if someone talks through the previews, but this guy's lack of social awareness made me nervous. He'd continue to talk when the movie started.

This is the most dangerous time in American cinema is when you're sitting down and someone's talking the previews because it is socially acceptable. Totally fine to talk to the preview. I'll allow it. I'll begrudgingly allow it. But you get nervous. I actually saw Book Smart at the Village. East Cinema in New York. And it was like this, it was an afternoon showing.

No one was there. It was like five people. But they kept the lights on the entire time for the previews. And I'm like, I'm like just digging in. Exactly. It's like this anxiety of like shit. Am I going to have to get up? Because also you have to go upstairs in that theater.

It's kind of a hassle. Yes, big time. I mean, I'll say one thing about the talking during the previews. I've come to actually like it. Because as we've talked about on this show before. Yes. You learn too much about these movies in the past. I'd rather be hearing about like,

oh, my day shopping or whatever the fuck. Then you're going to see a preview like 10 times maybe. Yeah, you're going to get it. Let him go. Talk when the movie started. He did. I was about to find a theater employee when two ladies burst into the theater, laughing and also talking at full volume,

25 minutes into the actual film. Wouldn't you know what? The obnoxious guy and his friend were in their assigned seats. the ladies stood in front of me to loudly exclaim, these are our seats, you move. Again, this is sign seating, folks. I know everyone's against me on this.

I've said this opinion before. People have been tweeting at me. People have been commenting that I'm a bad person for having this opinion. I mean, you're a bad person, but it's got nothing to do with this wrong opinion. This is what happens. This is what happens.

You know what? You know what Eric? Eric, we all took together we all took together a collection. We got you ticket. it's to a non-assigned theater. And you have to go right now. Take me, please.

And the next five minutes consisted of the guys and the ladies talking and shuffling around to get settled. Yep, there you go. Once the lady sat down, they pulled out an exorbitant amount of snacks, including cheeseburgers, fuck you to death. Cheeseburg, 25 minutes into the movie? Why are you even, what are you doing?

What are you doing at midsummer? What are you doing? No, exactly. Go to fucking, go to Toy Story, go to the lion. Spidersmans. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they'll let you eat cheeseburgers in there. Cheeseburg.

So now we had foot smell and cheeseburger smell mixing in tight quarters. That's great. That's very disgusting. These women completely missed the point-tone symbolism atmosphere of the movie and ended up causing the full theater

to turn on it. This is bad. Yeah, yeah. This is a theatrical emergency. Poisonous audience right here. I mean, this needs to be reported to A2.4. One of the women was literally on the edge of her seat the entire time turning to the other woman every 30 seconds to talk to her over the movie.

There was a chorus of, what the hell? Uh-uh. Oh, no. And other similar grunts every time a line was said or somebody did anything unsettling. One of the ladies immediately choked out of a cheeseburger and was loudly clearing her throat and coughing through the whole movie, which is two and a half hours long. This proves that there is no God in this world.

Because if there was a God, he would let this woman choke to death on this cheesebook. And then she'd finally shut the fuck up. Strike her down for good. And then there was the laughing. Oh, the laughing. Every time something uncomfortable happened, which is the whole point of the film,

they would laugh like they'd just heard the most hilarious joke of all time. I wouldn't be able to hear entire sections of dialogue because they'd be laughing so loud. This is why movie theaters are going to die. People don't want to deal with this fucking bullshit anymore. Then came the scene with Christian and Maya. That scene.

Now, some spoilers for Midsomers. Yeah, spoiler from Midsomers. I believe she's referring to the fucking at the end of the movie. Yeah. They couldn't handle the names. Yeah, I remember Christian. They couldn't handle themselves. They were laughing, yelling, and encouraging others to laugh as well.

The encouraging. That's a real problem. Trying to hear it from the crowd. Is this thing on? I said, that's really fucked up. Most of the theater began laughing, which even encouraged some of the people below us

to attempt to become theater comedians. Oh, gosh. The shoe guy and his friend were also hooting and hollering. One guy yelled, quote, that looks like your mom, which prompted the ladies to start having a conversation with him when a movie is still going on. Oh, man, your mom looks like that.

That's fucked up, man. Like, his mom looks like the lady that was helping his butt cheeks during the thrusting? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Your mom looks great because this is a great film. Finally, the movie ended. The two ladies yelled,

that sucked and quickly left. I was furious. Even with everything going on and having the ambiance completely ruined for me, I love midsummer. I'm pissed because I want to see it in a better environment, but I already know what happens

and I don't want to dedicate another two and a half hours to it. This is Reefuntan. It's total refuntan. Fun Town. This is tough. I'm also frustrated that the two ladies completely missed the point and ruin the movie for everyone. All that aside, there's really not a

happy ending here. Thank you guys for doing what you do, and I always look forward to hearing more. Kenzie, I am fucking sorry that that happened to you in that movie, man. Hell world. It's a real... That's a bummer. Kenzie, thank you for writing in and I hope all your enemies drop dead.

Everyone's enemies dropped dead. The laughing is a problem for me, too. It happens a lot at retroes now. like retrospectives that I'll go do. I don't know what it is. It's like the haircuts. I saw the fucking Juniper Tree, which is a very stayed quiet,

88 minute fucking Bjork. Not a horror movie, but kind of almost like a proto the witch kind of a thing where it's a weird movie that you would expect Bjork to make her film debut. Yes, and it's really good

and it's a lot of quiet and it's a lot of weird kind of abrupt kind of stuff happening. Yeah. And people are laughing like fucking Rodney Dangerfield is on screen and I'm like, because what are we doing?

as a culture a metrograph these people should be better well here's what this is and I've noticed this also from like teaching history of film classes right it's like

people are incapable of putting their mind in the time when the movie was made so anytime like an outdated thing happens or is said or is shown they're not thinking like oh this is a fucking

35 to 40 year old movie whatever it's like t he he isn't that so stupid which is actually what some people have said about our show negatively that we will point out certain things that are racist. But we're not doing it during the movie, baby.

We're not bothering anybody. Those fuckers don't have to listen. By the way, I already got your download. So, yep, fuck you. Yeah, it's just, like, it's disgusting. And, like, you know, that's why, like, even though I've never seen it actually enforced, I appreciate the effort that Alamo Draft House at least puts out to talk about no talking. We have, like, videos at the Burns. Like, when you go see a movie of the Jacob Burns, there's a thing that will always air before screening and it's like we've found films where like clips of a film from like

people are in a theater you know so like we had one where it was like Bonnie and Clyde when they're arguing in the movie theater and she tells them to shut up yeah and it's like then it says like don't talk you know and like that shit like it's you're making an effort for something and it's like midsummer is going to be on fucking Amazon

soon enough man just fucking stay the fuck home and it's really bad with heart and with something like midsummer where it's like the atmosphere is everything. The atmosphere is everything and it's a hard. I hate this expression. I think it's garbage but like elevated horror, right? Yeah, sure. It plays with

tone like Hereditary did like I had a laughing audience at Hereditary. But like because you just tell any fucking idiot like oh this is a good horror movie and then they go thinking it's fucking Jason X and like you're watching something that's actually crafted and thought about and you're just being a fucking prick the whole time.

Could you imagine if like Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK and then like had to deal with our modern theaters. He was able to go in there kind of anonymously, quietly sit down and sit down and see. Now he'd be like, where's my assigned seat? Oh, everyone's fucking talking.

Is he part of the club, the AMC, the Regal benefits club? Is he a Stubbs member? I don't know, but JFK's neck is that Stumps member. Woo! Sorry. Last one. Do it up, Steve. Take his

home. Pay it backward. Dear, we hate movies. In the Year of Our Lord 2000... Nice. That was a terrible time to be alive. It's the year of... I'm sorry. I didn't know. I was painting a picture right now. I'm painting a picture right now. It's the Year of Our Lord 2000.

The world is recovering from a nervous energy left over from Y2K and enthralled by the abundant loincloth of one Mr. Russell Crow. It's a hell of a loincloth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're in the golden age of movies, and it seemed like it would go on forever.

I guess this is a gladiator, right? Yes. Oh, yeah. No, it's Noah. You like Gladiator movies? I was the 10th caller on a local radio competition and managed to win myself two tickets to an advanced screening of a soon-to-be-released movie.

Feeling particularly buoyant by my obvious success, I gathered all my courage and finally asked out my latest crush name redacted, good for you, dude. Smart move. We definitely would have read it on the air too, so that's, he knows what's up. Thinking surely she would be impressed by my ability

to secure tickets to premiere events. To call a radio station at the right time. To his defense, it's pretty cool. Hey, babe, the tickets you're free for me. Come on. It looks like you're dating a VIP. Maybe if you're lucky, I'll take you the wind is afterwards. Oh, yeah.

I got coupons for that, too. The chicken sandwich ain't going to be the only thing that's spicy that night, I'll tell you what. They just premiered a spicy chicken sandwich. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Things should be impressed. She would see me rubbing shoulders with celebrities and instantly fall head over heels for me. Needless to say, the screening of Pay It Forward did not achieve the desired result.

It was released to the smallest possible cinema in the dodgiest part of town to a half-empty room of radio contest winners like myself with nary a celebrity. personality in sight. She was so unmoved by the occasion that she asked if she could leave halfway through. I asked if she wanted to go get something to eat and she said, no thanks. I'm going home. Oh, fucking douche chill. And I never saw her again. I would say that's the worst thing Kevin Spacey's ever done.

No, yeah. That's a problem. My question to you is, what's the absolute worst date night movie you've ever been to? regards Fuzzy Dan. He's referring to his pubs. I guess so.

Guaranteed. Fuzzy Dan. Guaranteed pubs. So, oh, absolute worst date night movie you've been to. I went on a date

in high school to see the film K-Pax. Oh, Kevin's Basie again? Speaking of Kevin's Basie, that was a mistake. He ruins everything. Chris Cabin and I

went, we were on a double date and we saw the Mothman prophecies. That was a fucking huge mistake. and I think that double date I forced you into it or like I asked you as a favor because I was trying to date

yeah yeah I apologize for that by the way yeah I was the fourth wheel to the third wheel in that date Freddy got fingers no way dude are you kidding me

was she cool at the elephant dick or not so much too cool oh so then you left midway through and never spoke doing it I'm the prude yeah on the way home

did she just skip on saying Daddy can I have some sausage Daddy, can I have some... That's the thing is like that movie I hated it so much like my mind snapped and then the whole evening

was ruined. It's on me. Sure. Fair. That's fucking great. Nothing? No, you never went to a bad movie on a date?

No, I mean, I saw the terminal but that was like not even really a date. Yeah. One of those things. So there's a bad movie and a bad social situation. Exactly.

I see what you're doing that. Uh-huh. I feel like, God, I feel like there's another one like, I'm the tip of my time. Yeah. Oh, actually, no, I, am I recalling this right? I think if I remember this right, and if not, I'll cut it out. I believe Chelsea and I went and saw, this was, I think it was our first ever movie date, like, as a couple. Sure. The Spikely produced documentary Confederate States of America. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I know how to pick them. Yeah, how'd that go? We were both just like, this is weird. And then it was, it was at the IFC, back when the IFC had the Waverly bar.

Yeah. So then we just went out and just got drunk. You know, I prefer nowadays when CSA stands for community-supported

agriculture. Yeah, absolutely. You are correct. 100%. That is W.H.M. Mailbag for the month of August. My goodness,

the dog days, man. Oh, man. I can't wait for fall. That's right around the corner, man. And we'll be back then reading more letters. If you want

your autominal-themed letters read on the air, right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com until next what's that? What? What do you got? What you got? I'd say can't wait for autumn. Yeah. For everyone across the pond. Fair enough. Yeah. Thank you

for avoiding that confusion. I had to make sure to get that one in. Yeah, you're welcome. That was great. It was great. You're welcome. I'm going to go watch Freddy got fingered. You want to watch it with me? I might. I'm rip torn, man. I got to RIPD, by the way. That's another fucking huge loss this year. In any event, until we open the mail bag next month. I'm Andrew Jupon.

Steven Siddack. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. That was a HeadGum podcast.