Wednesdays - 131. Dilemmas Takeover ft. Toby Watkins

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

Heyyy Tinies!!It’s time for a dilemmas takeover!! Toby is back on the pod to give a male perspective on some of your juiciest stories and problems.  Melissa and Toby share their best flirting advice with one Tiny who has been called out by her friends for having ZERO rizz. They also help a male Tiny level up his fashion game and they both agree there’s ONE place he needs to start…Plus, what would you do if you found some very SPICY videos in your partner’s recently watched Instagram reels?! That’s what’s happened to one Tiny… but should she be worried the women in the reels look nothing like her?! Melissa and Toby have thoughts. Enjoy the episode xGot a dilemma, some personal advice for a fellow Tiny, or a follow-up to a previous one? Send us a voice note or message on Insta @wednesdayspodcast, or drop us an email at [e-mail] | https://www.instagram.com/wednesdayspodcast/TikTok | https://www.tiktok.com/@wednesdayspodcastEmail | [e-mail] CREDITSExecutive Producer: Ewan Newbigging-ListerProducer: Magda Cassidy & Helen BurkeAssistant Producer: Issy Weeks-HankinsVideo: Lizzie McCarthySocial: Amber Hourigan Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, tinys. Today's episode, we have Toby joining us on the pod. So this episode is all about getting the male perspective on dilemmas. So we're going to get into them now. Guys, today is the Toby takeover of the dilemmas and he's going to give us a male perspective on some juicy dilemmas. Enjoy. Okay, dilemma one. Hi. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and we have finally decided to move in together. Congratulations. I'm really excited, but also a tiny bit nervous at the same time. My boyfriend works as a night manager at a hotel. So he looks after the hotel and all the guests from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. I'm really nervous about the fact from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. I will be in the flat alone. Firstly, because I am scared of being

burgled, but also because a lot of our quality time and our home is gone. When I discussed this with him, he didn't see my point of view and said, it's my job. Over and over again, I understand this, but it stressed me out how defensive he was getting. Every time I bring it up, it turns into a massive argument, and he makes me rethink whether or not I should even move in with him. Any advice on the situation? I think it's his job and ultimately you can feel the way you want to feel but like if someone was trying to say to me like don't like your job like can you I don't know like you're making yeah but it sounds like he's being a little bit too blunt about it though like obviously you're not fundamentally nothing's

going to change but like you might be a bit more understanding but I know I understand what you're saying but I love my job and I can't change it and I don't want to change it but just going as my job is a little bit like I don't know maybe a little bit too curt would be. I don't know if maybe they've had that nice conversation before and she's brought it up so many times that it's now annoying him. I could be wrong. Toby could be onto something with how he was saying it or it could be that, yeah. It could be the delivery of it. It's like, you know, you could be saying it like that to get a reaction or you could just genuinely be like, I've told you and I tried to be sympathetic, like, I'm not changing my job.

So I don't really know what you want me to do. I know you're concerned about it, but like, I can't change. what I do. So either we don't live together or go with it. But I don't understand your routine would have been the same. That's the thing. Yeah. Either they've. If he's always had this job, then like, even where you were living before, like, it's still not going to be spending time with him 9 p.m. I get it, though. That must be really disruptive having someone. So difficult having like someone in the night shift. I don't get people and then you have to sleep in the day. That's so difficult. Well, listen, I think if I was going to just give you some advice quickly on how

to sleep when he's not there because I get that's fucking terrifying because I have the same. thing when Toby goes away on work. So I love, well obviously I double lock the door, which I never normally do. Normally it's just like a single lock, triple. Like I do the whole like clamping, the whole thing. I set the alarm. Yeah, which we set the alarm anyway. That's true. The alarm is always set. But like this is like stuff that you always do. So I'm like so content. It just makes me sleep well knowing that I've done everything and it's so regimented. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will go out to bed extra early and I will put something on on my phone or my laptop or the TV that's like nice background noise.

It's normally this country or it's friends. Can we get Kerry Muckler on the show? I love nothing more. Daisy Maker. And then I don't think that you should like encourage. I don't really know what you want to resolve from this dilemma because if you want to be with this man and be with him forever, which I hope you wouldn't, you know, you would want to.

You're going to have to live with him because it can't be part of the deal like right when I'm moving. You're going to change your job because I'm scared at night. Like that's really like too much. It's like so mean. I imagine if you were like. don't like it the way that you talk about your life online like change your job yeah no what yeah yeah you can't be like i think in a few years if like this is a problem in a year and you're like look

like i really hate this but like i obviously want to be with you like do we think there's any chance of us moving you into a day shift at the hotel yeah i think there's got to be some open conversations yeah all right good luck yeah good luck with it i hope it all works out dilemma two are you ready for it I'm ready. Hey, in desperate need of some advice. The other night I went out with my best girlfriends and I ended up talking to a really cute guy at the bar. We had what I thought was a fun, flirty conversation and he even bought me a couple of drinks. But he left with his mates and didn't ask for my number. I figured it was just a cheeky flirt. The next day my friend sat me down and said, we need a serious talk about my flirting because apparently it's really bad.

They told me I wasn't sending any signals and my body language was completely closed off. So guys, I need your help. Please can you give me some. some of your best tips and tricks on how to flirt like a pro on a date. Also, Toby, what are good signals to send to let a guy know you're interested? Thank you. Lunge. Melissa's king of the lunge. Just lunge.

Don't always lunge. No, it works in our situation. But sometimes lunch is not the answer. If you don't fancy, then the lunge probably isn't even. Oh, whoa. Oh, Jesus. I would say, the thing is, right, so you're quite a tactile person. which I really like, even with my friends, you'll be quite tactile, or even with my dad in

the least flirty way, but it's like a really... I do touch people a lot. I feel connected to people that I like to hold. Yeah, it's really, yeah, you're like to tell them something and hold their arm. And I really like it when you do it, because I feel like you're connecting with my friends, which makes me feel nice. Okay. Some guys might think, but also I know, I know that for you, it comes from a place of like, affection and not like flirtiness. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Like you do it with your own like siblings and like you do it with my dad you'll do it with my friends and it's not like a weird thing. It's just like a nice sign of like close not even affection like closeness. But normally I would say that like an arm touch

or something goes quite far. Goes quite far. Really. Especially in those scenarios and eye contact is so freaking important. Yeah. Hold eye contact for like a few seconds. longer than you should. Also, if you look at someone's eyes and then their mouth or their lips

and then their eyes again, it makes them subconsciously think about kissing you. Well, I thought you were looking at my chin. I kind of was looking at your chin. I was looking at your little limel. I thought I had something on my, maybe spill a bit of my... I was looking at a little climmol. Oh yeah. But I was also looking at your lips. Well, it threw me. So I think that's also a great way. Or did it make you feel a bit insecure? Like, oh my God, what should you look at? No, I just, you felt quite powerful. I felt like I was on the back. You were for a long time and then you broke up and then it all changed. Yeah, true.

I'll get you. Just keep them guessing. Toby's playing the long game with that one. I think like a little freak out just to what was going to say. Okay, so being a bit more tactile. So just some like arm, some arm strokes. Some arm strokes. You need a bit of like pizzazz.

I think, you know what I always say, and I said this when Ruby was on the podcast, lean into like, your darker, sexier, feminine energy. Obviously, still be yourself, but like, just really like enjoy that part. So I think give the body language. But try. Give the body language definitely in terms of like giving a green light. Let's be a little bit more tactile. Yeah.

Let's have some flirty fun. Like giggle, smile, eye contact, look at the lips. I always say take on the old Margot Robbie theme in Wolf of Wall Street. She is so naughty and flirty, but in like such a like gorgeous way. Mm-hmm. Anyway. Right. Dialecta 3.

Hey, love the podcast. I've been with my husband for over 15 years and overall we're really happy together. But recently I did something I regret. I looked at his Instagram, watch history. What's that? I don't know. I bet you're bottom dollar I'll be doing that as soon as we get home. Mine's just cat videos.

As soon as I opened it, I saw loads of rails of women. Oh my God. With incredibly fit bodies. Women at the gym, Pov-style videos, women in underwear or bikinis. The running thread was how all of the women had massive boobs, whereas I am almost completely flat-tested. God. What hurt me the most was that none of these women resembled me at all. But you know what?

That's kind of a good thing. They all had dark hair and dark eyes, whilst I look completely different. He is literally my perfect type, but the women in these videos are basically the opposite of what I look like. Seeing all of this has made me feel like maybe I'm not really the person he wants. I haven't spoken to him about it because I feel really guilty for looking at his phone, but I can't stop thinking about it. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you.

Right, listen. I really appreciate how stunning Do I have Kennedy Jr. is in this film. But he looks nothing like Toby. He's got brown hair, he's got brown eyes. He's really, really tall. He's American. He's a president's son.

You're absolutely right. Ian Summerholder. A vampire. You know? Rick can't be with that. So I think women fantasize in such a different way, and I'm not justifying this at all because I kind of get this is like,

this is kind of like his porn as well. what I'm getting from this? I'm really confused about what this watch history thing is. You're freaking out. I'm not freaking out. He's like, so how did you find this? No,

mine genuinely is just cat videos and like, bit weird that that is your algorithm in the first place. Like, you might have stumbled upon one video and you thought, oh, she's very attractive and she looks different. He's obviously like searching for it or like looking at loads of them.

But this is why I'm confused because like, like a rail's what, five seconds to 30 seconds long. And you scroll, like, how does it know at what point? is it register as a watch. That's true.

Yeah, it's a bit weird in the first place that he's just watching loads of videos of random girls on Instagram. That's the first thing, regardless of what they look like, that potentially is a conversation that needs to be brought up. Either you admit that you've had a look or next time he's on his phone, you try and be like, oh, let's watch some memes together or something. Yeah, we watch memes together every night. So, like, I see the algorithm.

If there's any time, there's a woman that pops up, I'm like, ooh. Oh, what was that? Who was that? But listen, I think, it means. My point of view of this is that like this is kind of his porn. Okay. Or like his like this is whatever. And women have that in a different way.

Like I have that through like watching like romantic TV shows and really getting caught up in a love story. And like that's something that like gets, but that they might not look anything like Toby. And like I guess be the same thing. Like I guess if you were to look at something that wasn't me. Yeah. You don't necessarily have like one particular type. But the more concerning thing I'd say is why is his algorithm.

rhythms just really tailored around that. But be honest, just be like, look, I snooped. Shoot me. But can we just discuss all the naked chicks with the big boobs? Because it's making me like, I'm like, I can't get out of my head and I'm just freaking out of it. You just need a bit of reassurance. That is all it needs. It needs to be a conversation.

And you can then address how you want to go from there after you've heard him say his piece. I agree. I really don't think that you should let this, I worry you too much because you've been married for 15 years and I think that's like and you said we're really happy together I think yeah I wouldn't worry wouldn't worry about it too much I think it's I do think it's gross yes but also like would he be doing this on a porn website I don't know like you don't know how much how much time he's spending on this it could have been like one afternoon randomly and then that's it that's it like how often is he online probably not that much I don't know I would do a little bit more due diligence before you like

jump to any conclusions there's a lot of things need to be ironed out mm-hmm okay good luck I love you and I'm sorry to hear that but I really think that it'll all be okay. Don't freak out. Dan number four. Ooh. Hi Toby and Melissa. Guy listener here. Just want to say that me and my girlfriend religiously watch Wednesdays together. Oh. Sweeties.

The compromises I watch Wednesdays with her and she watches the rugby with me. Class. Every time Toby is on the pod, my girlfriend always compliments his fashion sense. At first, oh, thanks. Toby wrote this in. This is written on Tony Watson. At first I was maybe a little jealous, but then I realized, wait, He actually does have good style. Thanks.

For a guy who has worn Nike tracksuit, skinny jeans and Marvel t-shirts for the majority of his life, where would I even begin elevating my style? Any advice? Melissa, what do girls like seeing guys wear from Toby's number one fan? P.S. as I am a real fan, I know you guys love a pick. So here you go. That's really sweet.

That's put a little pep in my step. Oh, my God, sweet peas. Oh, well, thank you, bro. I can see the Marvel hoodie in the photo. Oh, yeah, he has got a Marvel hoodie on. Well, firstly, thank you. That's really, really kind. That will put a half the same thing that for the rest of the week.

That's really made me feel fantastic. Oh, Ricketts. So, I mean, majority of that, where would I even begin elevating my style? I would say... Let's start the basics. Go to Zara Man. Zara Man, Uniclo, for good quality basics. Zara, you like a good...

Zara T-shirts are really like the normal standard fit from Zara or Zara Origins because they last a bit better. It's better quality. And then. Zara jeans you love to. Really nice fit of jeans. These are Zara jeans. They need a bit of an iron, but these are Zara jeans. And then from other stuff.

Yeah, what about some nice pieces? I feel like October editions is a go-to for you. Great. I get a lot of my stuff from there. A bit more on the luxury side. But if you want to treat yourself like a nice jumper at Christmas or something, you know. Some of the stuff from about blank is great. They do some lovely, like...

More fashiony pieces. It's like an affordable version of something like Emily Ondor or similar sort of realm. So that's a good place for jackets that aren't going to break the bank, but are still really good quality and last a long time and look pretty cool. And also not everyone's in them. Like, it's cool and like, oh, what's that jumper? That's nice. It's a bit more interesting. What else?

What other brands do I... Those are your staples, I would say. Yeah. You need like a nice couple of hoodies. There's nothing worse than someone wearing the same hoodie again. and again and again and again. You want to have like a good... Good selection of hoodies.

Good five hoodies. Yeah. And also make sure that you really, really like the fit. Toby's very good at being... Every now and then you'll treat yourself to something really nice, like an acne jacket. But that would be like once a year or once every two years. And you'll like wear it in the nicest work that you've built up. You've got a really good solid.

Yeah, I feel like you want to buy less stuff, A, for consumerism, a B, also because you buy cheap, you buy twice. but if you buy something that really looks lovely that you love and you wear it a lot, then it's worth it. Toby hates like things above the planet. I don't like wasting things. So I'd rather sell it. Fast fashion stuff or like charity shop it. But like people that buy stuff just,

I then like chucked t-shirts off. They've worn them like five times or something. Who does that though now? Surely people are educated enough. Yeah, hopefully. You provide buying something that's more expensive that you're going to wear more of for longer term, which we should all try and be doing a bit more of.

I think people are getting better, but that's a good piece of advice. I also... Just bulk out. You kind of want a lot of options because you don't want to wear things again and again because that's when they get tired. That's when it doesn't look stylish. The fit goes a bit shit. The colour goes...

Like, if you wash things loads, they just start to fade a little bit. So you want to be able to have enough stuff in your rotation of clothes to like not have to constantly be washing something. Yeah. Okay, that's true. So it just has a bit more... It looks fresh. So shoes-wise, these ones that you're wearing now,

They're a great affordable option. I feel like they look quite smart. They do look quite smart. They have loads of colours. They have lots of colours. They're a lot of colours. They have more like, and they're only like 80 quid.

Yeah, and they have like loads of nice colours that are smarter. Like you have a really lovely brown pair that like more shiny that you can get going out for a nice dinner in them with an all black outfit. Yeah, some nice trainers. Smarter trainers that you can mix up. White trainers always look the best but then they age. Yeah, that's true. Whereas like a brown or like a brown or like a little bit of them.

like a black or... It's a good to have option. Yeah. But thank you. That's really kind. I appreciate that a lot. You're the best dress male I've ever come across. Really?

IRL. For sure. Really? Yeah. Thanks. Who's any... My friendship group would say otherwise. I used to get ready to go out and obviously I just want to while me up.

I'd be ready to go and then my best friend who I lived with would go, when are you getting ready? And I'll be like... Jamie Lang does that all the time to Sophie and I. It's so weird. Like when I would go over to... get ready. He used to be like, um, you guys, we've got to leave in five minutes. Like, are you going to get dressed? Like, always do that. So, and I? Every time. But yeah, hopefully that was helpful. Okay, right, ready for the next dilemma? Okay, dilemma five. Hi Wednesdays. I think we've ever been

addressed as that. I absolutely love the podcast and thank you for everything that you do. Oh my God, that's so sweet. Thank you. My best friend is going through a breakup and I have been her biggest support. I love her so much and I'm so grateful. we're close, but lately I feel exhausted and emotionally stretched. I feel like I'm always on for her. By that, I mean constant calls and messages. She even came up to my

uni recently, hoping to bump into her ex, who goes to the same uni as me. I worry about her, but sometimes I feel like I'm carrying everything. I've even started feeling guilty about enjoying my own life because I don't want her to feel bad. Oh no. How do I stay a good friend without putting myself

last all the time? Also is a pick of where I met Melissa in the Kingsway recently. She was so lovely. I'm on the left lull. Oh my God, sweetness. Was that when you were with your mum? I don't know. I know that was a guy

that came up to you when you were with your mom. Oh my God, I remember these girlies. Oh my God, sweet peas. They were yabbering away like having a good old matter

down the Kings row. Oh, perfect. Nothing like a good old ketchup, eh? I, it is draining sometimes when someone goes, I get this. Yeah.

I sometimes, and I wish I was better, I sometimes really struggle with that. You're not good at taking on... No. Like that. I think that's because I'm only... I'm learning to...

Kill yourself and you're like... Yeah. I feel like I've carried a lot of stress for a while, which I'm now deloading. So I feel like I will be better. You will be. But I feel like for a while I'm kind of... I was like dealing with my own stuff

that I then had to... Yes. So therefore I wasn't very good at having capacity for other people. But men, I maybe rely on other men less emotionally, which I think is why you bottle stuff up, whereas girlies... I... We're great and we like tell.

Yeah, girls will air their problems a lot, whereas guys are a bit more internal. But I did have it where I felt really guilty when you and I had our little break and I was all really confused in my head. And I was like, oh my God, why have I done this? And I don't feel myself and blah, blah, blah. And two of my best friends were there for me the whole time and were great at listening to me go round and round in circles about how I was feeling and how confused I was and how upset I was and how I wanted. you back, but I felt anxious and blah, blah, blah. And towards the end, I think they, they, for their own safety, like, their own protection. You can't talk to me for two months. But in the fairness to them, they were like, I need to just take a step back from it, which was actually

the best thing, because going around in circles, you end up talking about the same thing, you actually get anywhere. You need to sometimes just deal with it yourself, obviously with support of other people, but like, sometimes it's just got to come from here. And no conversation is going to solve how you feel or whatever. Totally. So. I think it's fine that you've reached this point. Like you sound like you're a really wonderful friend.

And it is so important to be there unconditionally for your friends that you love because someday, hopefully not, but someday this may happen to you and you will want that same support from them. I think that's it. You've got to remember the sort of friend that you're going to want. Yeah. And I sometimes am guilty of that of getting frustrated. Yeah. And then thinking actually how many lovely people have been there for me when I've needed support. And you've got to remember that that, you know, that sometimes you need to, yeah, you can't always just have the good sides of a friendship.

You have got to be. Yeah. But also what you don't want to do is for their sake is keep going around. You sometimes need to give someone some tough love in order for them to actually like grow and get over that first hurdle. Yeah, they don't get over it. And actually you just need to be like, we need to stop mulling over this because it's not getting you anywhere. Yeah. Like do you remember the Chandler?

No, no. Who was it that went through the break? breakup and friends. And they were like stage one, stage two. Stage three is like, let's go to the strip club. So like there's different phases that a breakup takes you through. Obviously men and women are different. But ultimately there's like the really, really, really awful first phase for women.

Well, I'm generalizing here, but like this is my experience. Girls go through the heartbreak instantly. Like the pain is fricking horrendous. Blah, blah, blah. Like it's absolutely how you feel like you're drowning. Then you go into like the second phase, which is kind of like, oh right okay I'm rationalizing everything a little bit more like you pick out the bad things that maybe happen in the relationship you're coming to terms with it then I would say phase three is getting

excited at the prospect of going out and like seeing someone on a night out or like sharing a kiss having a flirt on like that's really great and then phase four etc so I feel like your friend sounds like she's stuck in between phase one and two and she's now like she's trying to bump into him as you say like it does get a bit draining she's not gone over this hurdle and you might need to say to her like, look, I'm so willing to be here for you, but you're, I don't think that you're helping yourself in this situation and there's only so much that I can say now about it. And you're not helping yourself. Yeah.

You don't want to keep saying like you're draining me because like that's really hard for someone to hear. Yeah, you don't want to say you're draining, yeah, but it sounds like you both need a refresh. Obviously, you sounds like you need a refresh from talking about it the whole time, but she also probably needs to get out the rut, and talking about it isn't going to change that. You can also lightly be like, right, new rule this week, we are not talking about him. We're not talking about the breakup. We need to just concentrate on you what we're going to do, what we're going to do to have fun,

and we're not going to talk about him. Yeah. Okay. Sending lots of love right next time. Hey, guys. I know you guys give the best advice, so I'd love to know what you think about this. I'm 25, and I've been dating my boyfriend for six months. We're so happy together.

Honestly, the six months are flown by and I'm smitten. Last week, some of his friends, my best friends, went on a big night out together. It was so much fun and so nice to hear our two groups mixed together. But the next day when me and my boyfriend were hung over in bed, we did a morning debrief on the night before, and he casually let slip that he didn't like any of my best friends. Not a single one of them. I was so confused because it looked like he had such a fun time with them. When I asked why, he just said that they weren't, they were really annoying and they didn't stop talking.

I was speechless. What would you do in this situation? Well, clearly they did stop talking because she's speechless now. What would you do in the situation? I feel like I've been given a choice. My best friends or my gorgeous boyfriend, help. This is really quite death. That's not very nice.

Also, how can he not love your friends? Your friends sound great. I love when people don't shut up. I know. It means that you don't have to talk, really. But I... This is difficult. That is difficult because he sounds like a great guy and there's no red flag,

so it's not like he's being a dick. your friends talk way too much well tell him to just fucking gagger it you and Hermani used to do the shrill and that that was quite intense but what do you mean like when we were drunk it was when you were drunk in the cab with

Will's ex-girlfriend and you it was loud the decibels were but I loved it did you no I didn't I was like well it's loud

but like it didn't it didn't go there's like a meme that we saw the other day and it was like of a can. It was like when mum's friends come over and it was like, ah, ha ha ha! And it was like the most horrendous, like, loud, shrilly laughs, drunk. Drunk shrill. The shrill was a thing. It doesn't really happen as much anymore. Sometimes girlies, when they get together, it's different vibes, isn't it? Yeah. It wasn't, I never found it annoying. I just found it like, I noticed it that

was loud, but like, I found it quite funny. But I guess also, like, you're, you just hang out with boys the whole time. Yeah. So, like, men are so different. But that's, but like, I don't like it that he doesn't like your friends and he said that they're annoying. He just said really annoying and they didn't stop talking. No, I think that's like just a fucking asshole statement. You were like sugarcoat it a bit. Also six months in. Like you're still pretending like you're a perfect person to the person that you're dating.

Like you're not letting anything slip that you're not good. I think to like not put that, deliver that news in a bit of a shit sandwich and just to say they were really annoying and they didn't stop talking is a bit uncalled for. Yeah, it's horrible. And even if that's kind of what you're thinking, don't say it like. I agree. Don't obviously say, oh, I had the best time and I love them. I can't like to them again. They'll be like, oh my God, obviously, your friends are a lot, but they're great.

Exactly. That's what we need to say. Yeah. And then maybe next time we just go on like a couple's dinner or like it's a more chilled scenario. So like you can grow to love them. I think that was a really fucking like asshole statement. Also, your friends are annoying and they talk too much. It's only one night out together.

So I don't think you're in the crisis of like I need to decide between my best friends or my gorgeous boyfriend. I think you need to. just... Sorry, I don't know how your reaction instantly wasn't, what the fuck? No, my reaction is what the fuck. No, her. Oh, sorry.

What the fuck? I don't know how, she's not like, how dare you say that by my friends? I love them. Yeah, that, that... Imagine if I said that about your friends after I met them. Like, they're so annoying.

They talk way too much. Don't take me out with them again. Oh, God, yeah, that would be awful. Not good. That's not good. It's really not good. And, like, your friends are everything, like, everything to you and us.

I think ultimately, If he keeps being that much of an asshole. Asshole. Because he sounds like a bit of a red flag. If he does it again. But give him the benefit the doubt. And I think actually let's just see what he's like in a couple more situations. I don't think you're at the point of having to decide yet.

Just chill. Also, I would like really show him what your boundary is and I would get really angry of him for saying that. Yeah. Yeah, put your boundaries up. That's key. And also like, don't be so fucking fake then. Why are you pretending like you're having the best time ever?

It's an amber flag. So yeah, it's noted. Yeah. Okay, right, we're ready to move on? Yeah. Dilemma seven. Dilemma seven. Hey, my boyfriend and I are both 28 and we've been together for three years.

He lives at home with his parents and I recently bought a flat of my own dot dot, dot, which he stays out four to five nights a week. We somehow agreed that instead of him contributing to some of my bills or rent, he would pay for our weekly date nights, which most weeks we do. And to be fair, he does pay, although it is sometimes with a little moan to make me feel, bad. Sorry, I don't mean to look up at you if that's what you do because you don't. I pay for my mortgage and all my bills, food shops, furniture, etc. Not to mention that I'm a girl and spend a lot more on clothes and maintenance than he does. It's very true. For context, I earn slightly more than him. I have even asked him before if he could contribute to some of my mortgage payment or bills rather than the date nights, but that hasn't happened. When I nudged him on it, he said,

I could be living at home and get someone to rent out my flat instead, which I think is wild. It just seems like I'm having to pay more when we are both benefiting from my flat. Should I leave things the way they are until one day we live together or should he be contributing towards bills, rent, groceries, etc.? I'm a big believer in just pay the money instead of paying for things in return for just because I like, often like, you know, then a week gets busy and you don't go on date night and then all of a sudden you feel resentment. Yeah. Because you're like, well, they haven't been contributing to anything. It's nice at the start when you think, oh, you just treat me to, you've got a bit more spare cash now, so treat me to date night. Often things get in the way of that.

And actually you're better off knowing where you stand with how much you're paying. 100% that you know you've done your thing, then you split everything else. He's saying that he could rent out his flat. No, he's saying like, why don't you just run out your flat and live at home? And she's like, what? That's weird. You're benefiting from the flat. Pay your way.

I agree. I think we should be a bit more stern on this. Yeah. It's just not very not. nice attitude to have towards it. And then when you're like, do you mind contributing a little bit more? We don't do the date night thing. We'll split date nights.

Contribute to more to rent. And he's like, well, you should probably just run out of flat. Like, what? No. How is that? That's, yeah, I would. It's just not setting. You know what this isn't, I'm liking the sound of.

You're both 28, right? This isn't setting up like a good dynamic for, dynamic for the future or like his view on how he wants to maybe live. Like surely like you would be wanting to live together at some point soon. And he'd be saying like, look, I'm going to pay for half the bills and half the rent because I'm going to be living there four to five nights a week, which is more than half the week. And then, you know, at some point we'll move in together and maybe we'll buy something together. I don't know.

Like, why isn't there that conversation? It's like he's just kind of like, I don't know, I don't think that's right. You need to be, this needs to come from you. you know, if he's getting a sweet deal, he's obviously going to take it. You need to really be firm with him. I agree. And so this is, we can't keep doing this because it's really unfair. Otherwise, you will just build up resentment and be like, fuck this.

Yeah. So air your laundry now. And I would say that you are very much in the right for being annoyed about that. That would annoy me as well. 100%. I do feel like though, now that thinking about it, like let's say you decided to buy a flat. And I was still living in my house. whether that's my parents' house, whatever.

And I'm coming and staying and you're like, can you split the bills with me? I'd be like, but it's the same thing. It is actually the same thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Like we stayed at yours more than we stayed at mine. I think the mortgage thing, actually, no, you've decided to do that by yourself. He's staying there the night.

That's not costing your mortgage anymore. Sorry, yeah, you're right. That is actually. When I think about it in that way, maybe bills, he should say. I was thinking like that mum lives out of town. Do you know what I have? Let's just say, I have. I live with my mum, then the house next door.

You earn your flat, you're paying your mortgage and whatever, but I come and stay with you most nights the week. And you're going, actually, I think you should be contributing to half my mortgage and half my bills. You're like, what? Fair enough, maybe half your bills, but not half your mortgage. You're paying for your mortgage regardless of being a relationship or not. That's nothing to do with me. You've decided to make that.

That is true. That's kind of now how I'm looking at it. I'd be like, I'm not going to pay your mortgage for you. I don't live there. I move in Fine Sorry I take back that Like it's like me when I lived

With Jamie My old housemate And you lived at yours And more often than not we spent At mine At yours I'm not going to then charge you rent No

And I would be like Well that's why I then stopped renting Where I was renting And we moved in together And split it Because we're not split it But Yeah

Contributed Because then it was like Yeah, I think that this, now I've looked at it from another perspective. I think that you can't get him to pay your mortgage. That's my opinion. I think that he should be buying the food shops, splitting the food shops with you, if you guys are cooking every night or like, I'm going to do the food shops this week. Yeah.

You know, like I'm staying, whatever. I think it should be more of a contribution. Like a changeable. So like, fair enough. And he shouldn't be moaning when he's buying your dinner at. That's not good. Bills, if you're like, okay, well, it's not official yet. So the date night is a good replacement of paying bills, less official way.

But like food shops, we're spending. visiting food shops. Yeah. the consumables we're going to split. But the mortgage doesn't change whether or not you're living here or not. That's my choice to buy the house. Yeah. I'll pay the mortgage. Yeah. That's. And it's just, it just so happens that he doesn't have to pay rent. But he could be paying rent. Exactly. Yeah. So. You're right. But he needs an attitude check. Like, hang on a minute, babes. You're having the luxury of like spending all this time with me. And like, it would be nice if you could like pick up the bill and not moan. because that is ideal. Yeah. It's really nice actually to get a male perspective on things.

I hope I gave some good answers there, you know? I think mine was still better, but yeah. Okay, that's the end of the episode. Thank you guys so much. Thanks for having me. Always a pleasure, never a chore. Love you. Bye.

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