Wednesdays - 2: Polyamory, Female Pleasure & What Even IS Normal?! Ft. Ruby Rare

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Boy have we got a sexy episode for you this week! We’re joined by the sensational sex educator, author and body-positive champion, Ruby Rare, to chat all things sex. She gives her insight into queer and non-monogamous relationships, as well as female pleasure, porn, consent and a whole lot more!If you want to carry on learning from Ruby’s words of wisdom, check out her book: Sex Ed: A Guide for AdultsOr watch her new show ‘Sex Rated’ on E4.**TW: There is a brief discussion of sexual violence towards the end of the episode**Instagram / TikTok / YouTube: @wednesdayspodcastEmail: [e-mail]-Credits:Podcast Producer & Editor: @kat.milsomAdditional Producer: @jemimarathboneVideographer: @jamierg99Social Media: @emzchampionAssistant Producer: @maiaadelia.docs Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Restrictions apply. See full terms at canada.casino.fandu.com. Please play responsibly. Melissa are you a doctor? I want to be but I'm not I'm not a doctor either and we're not psychologists

and we're not experts in anything in fact we just challenge all the shit so and we love giving you guys advice

but as we said we love giving you guys advice do not take what we're saying as gospel if you do feel like you need to speak to somebody please seek professional help We love giving you guys advice. But as we said. We love giving you guys advice. Do not take what we're saying as gospel. If you do feel like you need to speak to somebody, please seek professional help. We have got a wonderful guest on today. Ruby Rare.

We are so excited. Ruby is a sex educator and she talks really openly about being bisexual and having queer relationships and exploring sexuality and body image and body positivity and just all the things that are not spoken about enough. Yeah, exactly. Like it's just opening people's eyes up and I think making people comfortable about talking about certain things. Yeah. Ruby is an ambassador for Brooke, which is the UK's leading sexual health charity. She's also written a book about sex education for adults, which is just epic. That's genius. She's really inspirational and we're very excited to have her on, so please enjoy the episode. We're very excited to have you on. thank you so much vasily congrats on your new tv show should we should we deep dive into this yes yes yes i'm trying to like be confident i am confident

about it but it's just a really weird thing to be out in the world it's a big deal it is and i don't know i feel it feels very surreal i'm feeling very out of body right now with it all but it's happening it's happening it's happening tomorrow which to the listeners it will be it's out every it will be out Wednesday yeah yeah it'll be out the day yeah so do you want to give us a little background on how that came about yeah like a teaser and everything so I have been working in sex and relationships for eight years and it's something that I'm really passionate about and I've done that with like working with young people and then suddenly started maybe five six years ago started getting asked to talk to adults and was like oh you don't know anything either cool everyone's playing catch up like no one had good sex ed

we're all just trying to figure it out and it's really I love talking to adults about this stuff because it just means that you can be more nuanced a bit more explicit and it can be a bit more cheeky and fun and the show came about Mighty Productions who who like birthed the show came to me and Rylan with this idea and both of us were like oh okay that sounds pretty spicy because on paper it is it's like contributors coming on and getting direct feedback about their sex lives from their exes. Wow. Which like, immediately you're like, ooh.

I'm not sure if I'd want that. It's a lot. Just a question I've just got to ask firstly. Did you know Ryland before? No, no. I know other people who've worked with him before. Right. Okay, carry on. So, and both of us, I think, were like, no no we've done like I know other people who've worked with him right before like but no so and

both of us I think were like this in order for this to work it's got to be really kind like this is not catching people out but it's kind of created this environment that's obviously very camp and silly and Ryland's just you know like the funniest person ever and so good and puts everyone at ease and then I'm the one who's like actually sexual health advice here like please don't do that I know you're all joking but like in the first episode there's like chat about putting vegetables up your bum and I was like no no no I'm really gonna have to hard say no but why um there's no flared base like if you're well okay so flared base if you think about a vagina we're getting right into it immediately. I'm sorry, I'm going to throw a lot of questions at you because I'm fascinated. Please, please do.

We're really ill-educated in this sector. Come to me. Any question, it's all good. So the vagina has like a stop-off point, right? Right. There's a cervix at the end. And is that why sometimes being really graphic, you can feel like it's hitting something? Yeah, that's what it's hitting.

Like there's literally, you can't like, you can't get lost up in there. Like there's a stop-off point. But like an anus can kind of keep going and because of the way that the sphincter works like once it can kind of end up like sucking something in so you need something you need something that's got like a flared base at the end so there's literally a stop-off point and it's not going to get lost up in there because that could be a very bad i know somebody who got a vibrator shoved out their anus and it was vibrating inside they had to go to hospital to get out yeah there are a lot surely you would just take a laxative and then you'd poop it out yeah but do you want like i do i mean obviously you

don't want to have a vibrator stuck up your butt so, so the show kind of allows us to talk about things in a really silly way, but also everyone's there to learn. Sure. And it's, and like everyone has these really beautiful relationships with their exes. It's not, there's no, there's nothing volatile. It's like people giving each other these massive hugs and talking about the time they spent together with loads of like care and love. And like being allowed to say the things that went wrong but it not being in this like bitchy way and even making the show it brought up loads of conversations with all of us behind the scenes of being like has that happened to you I'm like oh yeah why

like it's really interesting when these two people just had completely different memories of that experience sure I wonder if you know like all of that so I think it's it's a really good show like I'm really I'm proud of it and then it's and then I see myself on it and I'm like oh wow okay yep that's that's me I'm the person it's you I'm so happy for you I'm very excited did you find that you built like do you have a different um set of partners on or like exes on each episode is it new okay I thought maybe it was gonna be the same couples throughout the whole thing it's full deep journey I was like oh my god how much sex can we talk about between one couple no I would love that is it new okay I thought maybe it was going to be the same couples throughout the whole thing just full deep dive long journey I was like oh my god

how much sex can we talk about between one couple I would love that in a way that's a different show no it's different it's like two different people every episode

and you're just getting loads of different like people who are into really different things and have such different experiences with their exes question why obviously this is the concept

of the program but like why exes why not because even people who are in happy relationships well there's one there's one really lovely guy on the show who is in an open marriage and so i'm like non-monogamous i've got more than one partner and that was really nice to have as representation because his husband came on and then another one of his lovers and then there's another woman who comes on the show and she's kind of part of a

bdsm swinging community and so that again there's a bit of fluidity it's not like right ex forever yeah yeah okay so good feedback and then a good understanding of like what you want because I think it is important in relationships where they're like I'm too scared to tell my partner that they're doing it wrong so like you need it in like current relationships as well as like exes like this and sometimes you kind of get into I've done this before where you start sleeping with someone and then by the time you've established more of a thing, maybe you thought it was going to be more casual

and it's suddenly not. And you're like, we've gotten to the rhythm of like this being the way that we do it. And it's not what I like. It's actually, I kind of want it a bit differently, but have I gone too far down?

And the answer is no, you should be able to talk about it, but it's hard. Oh my God, I've got so many measures. Hopefully this program also then helps people then have that conversation if they're watching it like actually maybe we should and then you can it gives like an easier option i hope so totally with someone

so you're in a poly how do i say polyamorous polyamorous or like non-monogamous, open. It's kind of any of those, yeah. Sorry, I just want to apologise firstly if I get any of the words wrong because I'm just learning right now. You're all good. So you can just help me and educate me through it. Could you tell me about that? Because that's, you know.

How did you come to that decision or conclusion that that was what you wanted? It's been a while so again we like loads of different stuff like it happened for me about eight nine years ago so that's when I first heard the word polyamorous and I first heard it because I started dating someone off an app and he said he was polyamorous and I had to google it being like I don't know what that means and I was like oh okay yeah that makes sense this is new to me but like I was single I was I was dating multiple people but just in that way where everyone kind of pretends that they're not and actually it was really refreshing to just switch that and be like oh I'm just going to be honest about the fact that I am dating more than one

person and so are you and that's all cool and I guess we can just talk about it it's so true um so yeah that was I really I really appreciate that first relationship because I then became good mates with one of his partners as well. And like when they both moved in together, I was, I was like a big fly on the wall of being like, how does this work? Tell me. Like, I don't, I was learning a lot. And then obviously with any, whatever kind of relationship you're having there are always the

ups and the downs there have been some big old mistakes made and like shit's really hit the fan at different times but now this is like a really nice established part of my life it's not this like wild crazy it doesn't feel like new in that jangly way where you're trying to figure something out about yourself I've been with two I've been with one partner who I live with for like almost six years and I have another lovely partner and we've been in each other's lives for like five years and then a few other people who are like some like friend mostly friends but then where there's like lovely sexy romantic elements to them and that can ebb and flow and change but it does it's really funny

when I talk to people who are new to this yeah trying to be like it just is nice I promise yeah like trying it's trying to wrap your head around a new a new idea I guess for someone else that's not yeah like for me my like I guess brain goes to what if your partner that you're living with doesn't like another partner that you've got and you're bringing them around and then that causes conflict how does that yeah definitely I mean I think the way that I do it now and obviously all of this is just my the way I do this like it's very different for different people no relationship is the same as any other right so I think for me and the people in my life it's very much about care and respect and I and we all kind of need to be able to get along like I've not had an experience where there's been like two people

who've actively disliked fine each other because we all kind of come from a similar friendship group and there's a lot of love between everybody but I but I do know lots of other people who've had really tricky experiences where there's like that conflict yeah and then just I think that can just exacerbate lots of human emotions of if you're feeling a bit insecure anyway for whatever reason but then you don't like the person and you're like okay well that's makes it even more complicated but yeah currently quite drama free and have been for years and that's very nice i have a question so your partners are you their only partner or are they also no everyone i don't really think i would

date anyone who wasn't polyamorous because it would then be such a one way understood yeah you kind of need everyone to just be on the same page and i've and i've dated people who like a partner of mine now just because he's got like a really busy, intense job, like he's got the relationship he has with me and then one other person, but he's like, I actually can't date right now. I'm not going to be hanging out with anyone new because I just don't have the time. And I've been like that for periods of my life.

So that's fine. But I guess I don't really have the time to be introducing this to someone else. There have been times in my life. Sure, where you do want to actively date new people and have new experiences. Or even date someone where this is brand new to them. And I feel that a bit with non-monogamy, but also with queerness. So in the past, I've had lovely flings and little relationships with people where it's like

oh this is my first time sleeping with someone who's not a man and that can be a really beautiful thing but I guess there's also some emotional labor that comes with that because that's a big thing and you want to treat you know I want to treat that with the care and love that it deserves and I guess it's recognizing now I actually don't have the time to do that I need to find people who are like already in their flow yeah it's not like oh god doing this new thing how do I guess it's recognizing now, I actually don't have the time to do that. I need to find people who are like already in their flow. And it's not like, oh God, doing this new thing, how do I navigate it? I need, does that make sense?

You don't want to sort of be the responsible person to sort of carry somebody and show that experience. And it's a nice, I'd do it again. It's a nice thing. But when you have more time. I've hooked, yeah. Yeah, you've got a lot of things going on. I've got a lot going on.

I've got a lot of plates to spin and it's nice when some of them are sexy, but I can't be doing the sexy plate spinning all the time. A hundred percent. But how does this feel? Because it's always really interesting when I talk to people where they're like, this is new. My mind's spinning of all the questions.

Me too, because I'm just trying to establish how you wouldn't get jealous and stuff like that. That's where my mind immediately goes. I almost feel a bit embarrassed embarrassed i'm so uneducated like i really am don't be don't be embarrassed yeah i'm just like fascinated like it's so good you're doing this because we just don't learn this shit at school i also think a lot of people try and have like what is it called when you're in a relationship when you're just like what's a monogamous is that's a monogamous just two people yeah monogamy yeah so a monogamous

relationship but they cheat all the time and they can't like and they're like there is this other option where i can just be this person that i'm trying to be right and then they yeah it like it opens that option up for them and then they can have peace and like just and for some people for some people i guess so you're totally right we don't get taught about any of this and I think like um heteronormativity and mononormativity are both two things that kind of often go hand in hand a bit of like heteronormativity is the idea that we're all brought up being like the way that relationships work is there's a there's a man and a woman and they make a baby it's straight there we go anything else is different and weird and like an add-on and how different might it be if that wasn't the expectation we were all brought up with of being like relationships look different

for everyone and like sexuality is something that's unique. People probably wouldn't get like cheated on and stuff like that because they would just be openly like by the way like this is my deal and like. Yeah and also like with the mononormativity of thinking about like a relationship is two people again I question like why we've just been taught that as the only option because that can be a really beautiful, valid option. None of this is about being like destroy relationships or destroy monogamy, but you can do things differently.

There's a lot of choice that we don't give up. We don't give ourselves the options to really design relationships in a way that works for us. And yeah, it's, you know, being open in any way isn't just an excuse to be able to cheat. And I think some people, there can be like the thrill of something forbidden with infidelity.

That's, I guess you're right. So that's not what this is. That's maybe a completely other thing, yeah, yeah. But it's interesting how it overlaps. Like for me, I'm not interested in cheating. I'm not interested in like game playing or deceiving people that's just not my thing and I guess I've definitely interacted with people in the past where I'm like oh yeah you're kind of getting off on people not like any of that like sneaky stuff but it's really liberating to be able to have conversations and

it's not maybe not even about doing something necessarily but being able to have an honest conversation with a partner of being like oh we we obviously fancy other people like what are we kidding that as soon as we get together we're just pretending that from then on we only have eyes for each other there's no like there's no other kind of interest in our lives yeah our desire is a very desire is something that's really individual and obviously if you're in a relationship that's the two of you and like there's that's a monogamous setup your desires become very intertwined and you're building this love and relationship together but they're still coming from separate places yeah and I like the way that we just get sucked into like just the two people the idea of like

another half like I want it to be two holes that just like choose to come together rather than like half and half merging is it quite hard to like spread your time in a certain way where you feel like you've had the quality time or like does that complication even come into the equation yeah oh my god it does I've definitely like tried I've overstretched myself yeah and then it's interesting when you're like oh yep gonna have to wind that back I like don't have enough time because also I'm quite an introvert and I need time on my own like I can't I don't know what you're like I can't just be around people all the time I need to like shut a door and be like no one perceived recharge so I now think I know

my limits pretty well and I've got like really loving kind of dynamics where we don't need to see each other all the time yeah like if we see each other for like you just every couple of months and we have a really nice weekend together and we're like oh yeah hey you you're great this is really fun then we're gonna go off and do our own things for a bit and come back together again so it's not like it seems very like it's like everyone knows what's going on there's like everyone's on the same page i mean yeah and also like i don't want to completely sugarcoat it sometimes it can be tricky and also like i can definitely i do fall into the trap sometimes if I meet someone

who I think is really amazing and I'm like I can make this work no no I'm like I can make this work we can spend time together and then I and then I'm like really shit at replying and have to be like hey I'm really sorry I like don't have the capacity for this right now so it's not I definitely don't want to like we're all learning I'm not, like, perfect version of myself at all. I guess that's just life. And, like, giving it a go, being honest about where you're at. When did you, how old were you? Like, how did this even come into, like, obviously I'm nearly 29

and I'm just learning about it now. It's like, what made you think? Obviously you met that guy and he was in a polyamorous. But even, like, having queer relationships, like, when did those sorts of desires come into play? So I'm like bisexual, queer. I'm attracted to women and men and non-binary people. And I guess it's interesting when people are not like completely gay or completely straight somewhere in the middle.

As a teenager, I just dated boys because I was like well this is what you do right and it didn't feel wrong but I definitely was like well there's some other stuff going on here and actually even it's so funny when you speak to people about weird teenage stuff that we all got up to when lots of us were sort of horny in these ways that we couldn't really comprehend I was like oh I was making out with lots of my girlfriends at the time but we were all just like doing it as a joke or talking about it's like practice and we were like there's some stuff going on there but so it took me until my early 20s to to really come out to myself and to other people because I guess there's still lots of pressure there's loads of stigma I think especially

if you're bisexual and a woman that's often really over sexualized and it seems like for attention or any of that bullshit and if you're bisexual and a man then I guess it's like oh you're just gay and you haven't figured it out yet and like women women can be so weird about that like I know lots of I've had some really honest conversations with um one friend who's straight who started dating a guy and found out that he was bi and she was like I feel uncomfortable that this makes me feel uncomfortable and that was a I was like oh okay let's get into that that's fascinating if we've been taught that like that's a threat or that's wrong like there's lots of really like weird shame stuff going on in there so it's I think it took me a while to be comfortable with that and then starting dating women was quite a wit like my first

experience sleeping with a woman was as part of a threesome but it was on my birthday and it was pride and it was the first time I had a threesome and it was the first time I hooked up with a woman this is actually like a bit much right now just everything all the stars aligned um and actually I think for some people threesome dynamics can be quite useful in like being able to lean into exploring sex with like a different gender and that's not to say that's the same for everybody like you know we've all got to find our grooves but that was the first time that I was like oh yeah cool this is nice this makes sense to me and I think there can be a something really refreshing if you

are a queer person when you start dating in a way that like really feels right for you because now it's like regardless of who I'm dating I'm dating as me and I am queer so even if I'm dating a man it's like well I'm not pretending I'm not putting like a little straight hat on and I'm in that relationship if I'm dating a woman I'm not putting a little gay hat on and I'm in that relationship yeah it's kind of queering it all I so get it you just feel like very authentic to yourself yeah and there's still you know sometimes there's still little moments of bi panic where you're like is this real like am I making this up well I think that loads again lots of bisexual people I speak to it's that weird thing when you're when you're taught that like bisexuality is kind of invalid in some ways when we were growing up like I didn't see

any bi people I was taught a lot about gay people but nothing really like went into the bi element nothing was like much nuance yeah so I think it takes a while like if I suddenly I think bi panic is a phrase which is used a lot on the internet but the idea of like if you fancy if I'm like having a while and I'm just really fancying women then having a moment going like oh fuck am I actually gay because that's what is that what's happening and all the other stuff has been a lie and actually like I'm just gay and I should come out and then you see a guy and you're like well no because obviously I fancy you but then does that mean that that's not a thing I guess it's being okay with not like having to like put a label on

yeah well and the label being all of it actually yeah it doesn't mean I fancy everyone but I have the potential to fancy anyone regardless of their gender or what's going on in their pants and I think we were like taught well I I feel like I was semi-taught that bisexuality was not a gateway that's the wrong word like a transition period to them eventually being gay and that's just the way it would go like you'd you'd then go to being fine experimenting and then you'd probably just go to being gay like that was just the way that I was kind of yeah I guess taught and I guess for some people that is true like if you're figuring you know we can all we are all taking the time that we need to take to figure things out but it's really

nice to be like no no I'm here and it's not in the middle it's not me not making my mind up this is a valid like all sexualities are valid if they are feeling like true and real for you they are so it's taken me a long time to get to that and now I guess it's quite useful that as part of my work I'm saying that because it helps other people but it also helps reinforce that as part of my work, I'm saying that because it helps other people, but it also helps reinforce that to me. No, remember Ruby, you're saying that. So you believe it in yourself as well. Yeah.

It must be really rewarding what you do because you've not only gone through that journey, you're still going on that journey, but you're also, there are so many people who are going to watch you and listen to you and you will change their lives. But it's true. It must be like, really it is. you will change their lives oh but it's true it must be like really it is well it's this weird it's like how humans connect and obviously like

sex is only one way that humans connect but it's relationships if we look at it that broadly like we're all yeah that's what makes human life that's what makes all of this and there's so much we don't talk about and then once you start talking about it, you realize that everyone has got these questions and concerns and insecurities and like finding ways that we can chat about that and it'd be okay. Like this is a really nice space where you can just bring things out and see how they feel. And there's not, there's so much less judgment or expectation because we've, I don't, unless you properly start looking at it you don't realize how much shame and judgment we're all holding in ourselves about anything if you just start thinking about relationships and sex then you can go like oh shit and then like bodies and money and family and all of this stuff like we're all there's all this stuff like it's all going on actually on that topic we do want to touch on the body side of things because i know like us as well but also loads of our listeners um constantly writing about

confidence and i also find one thing that i just i'm gonna deep dive into is the vagina yeah let's go melissa and i constantly have the we don't constantly we have a matter of times that we're drunk in the loo. Like, oh, our vagina's normal. We just don't know. And then we,

I sometimes get a bit insecure. Like, we both be like, what does a vagina manner look like? So where do you think the questions and the insecurity

comes from? I honestly haven't watched porn until, well, I really just don't watch porn. So I honestly did not,

I've only seen my vagina. Yeah. I know where it comes from for me. Yeah. Where? From being at school and boys or a couple of boys would be like,

oh no, this poor girl looks like a beef sandwich or a turkey sandwich. Oh yeah, no, it comes from boys being like, oh yeah, that girl, she had a... Or something like that. They say, there, like, she's got a shit vagina. And they would have been, no, but there's boys that have been in relationships with girls and they're like they're still like i fancy them as much but her vagina looks like this

which is still like yeah but i'm like what do you mean her vagina's not right what does that mean but then vagina's like oh and i went went to my gyno and i was like i'm concerned and i was like do i need to have and he was like absolutely not there is no dis he's called it there's no deformities if there's a deformity which is something that we would medically be like that should be I don't know my mates of mine who are sexual health nurses are the best people to talk about this because it's really fun like when you're like you know I've seen my fair share of genitals in my life lucky me but like it's when you're seeing them in a medical capacity and people who are going and really worried of being like do i look normal everyone it's like no if if something's not right

you know it's not right like and and that is like you know often if it's linked to stis there's like well actually no we're not even going to go into there because STI chat is like way too you can you basically lots of STIs are asymptomatic so it's not like only if you've got something like a weird smell or an itch or something yeah different it could be even if not everyone get checked out do do your little sensible sexual health things but there's so I think from really young ages there's a lot of pressure and shame that's put around genitals but particularly so i i say vulva not vagina vulva okay because vulva is what vulva is the name for the anatomy everything you see on the outside because the vagina is like the inside bit the vagina is the inside tube what and that is and i think it's really fascinating when

we just say vagina because it limits the genitals to the thing that penis goes in and out of or that a baby comes out of when actually if we're thinking about sex as a space for exploration and play and pleasure the clitoris is the most important sure so why don't i just refer to it as the clitoris then if we're referring to it as the vagina? Well, because the clitoris is just one specific bit. But is it like the vagina is just one specific thing? Yeah, so the vulva talks about the whole thing. The vulva is the clitoris, it's the labia,

the inner and the outer parts of the labia, it's the urethra, and then it's the vaginal opening which is underneath that. What the hell's the urethra? Where we pee? Where you pee, yeah. I need to explore my vagina more. I keep doing this of being like, that's the whole, it's the

whole thing. The whole thing, isn't it? And then the vagina is what's, it is like the muscular tube on the inside. Right. Shut up. So when, it's really just. Where does the pelvic floor come into that? The pelvic floor is a muscle that kind of sits over.

So like, it sits internally. Right. And it's basically when you squeeze. I thought that's what held your pee in. Yeah, it is. But then why does it make a difference to like, if your pelvic floor is tight, then it sits internally. Right. And it's basically when you squeeze. I thought that's what held your pee in. Yeah, it is. But then why does it make a difference to like if your pelvic floor is tight, then it's like. Well, but if you think about it, all of it's so closely connected. The pelvic floor is a muscle that wraps around.

But also the pelvic floor is something that can help if you're doing that thing every once in a while. It happens to me of like if I laugh really hard and I'm like, oh, just peed a bit. Okay, I should do my pelvic floor exercise. Oh my God, I have a really interesting question. I'm desperate to know yep come on this is really out there so please just is squatting you're peeing on somebody yes oh such a good question I am sure that it's 90 50 percent pee 50 percent something else it's not what the hell I mean there's okay I've got to be careful because there's so there are lots of different studies and this is something that's not very reported on and studied. There's still lots of debate.

Do you want to know something fucking brilliant? Yeah. I've got a friend of mine, Lola Jean, is in the States and she's a sex educator and she holds the world record for the most amount of squirt produced. Oh my God. The highest volume. And it's not me. And it's, these won't't this isn't the proper numbers because

i can't remember them off the top of my head the world's record there were scientists that were like the human bladder can hold at the most 1200 milliliters of liquid okay so like squirt can't be any more than that and she she did this under like conditions where she was like being monitored or something and she produced like 1700 and something milliliters of squirt, which is like a Pimms jug. Shut up. So it's not like, I think if it comes, like there will be some elements that are similar to urine.

But as someone who's like been around squirt, it's different. I know what wee is like. I know what squirt is like. They're not the same thing. Is it like a maybe cum slash wee? Can everyone do it? I think lots of people have the same thing is it like a maybe come slash we kind of do it um I think lots of people have the potential to do it again it's interesting that it can be quite over sexualized as this thing that like needs to happen in order for it to be yeah like some people squirt

some people don't you can maybe if you're interested in doing it there are things that you could like you can kind of go down the whole pathway of being like is this something I want to try and learn for myself but it's just one of many ways of experiencing pleasure so it's not this you don't need to be doing this to be like successful at sex or anything there's some people it comes naturally for others not i want to see if all it was just your you you just had a well and you know and that's piss play and some people are really into that as well so like if that's what if that's what you're into then great but it's not what's piss play i'm guessing someone finds it golden showers right okay fine like a full wee a full wee oh my god which and again you know all of these are things of being like are you

into it are you not it's all good there's a really nice phrase which is like don't yuck someone else's yum especially in like kind of world. But with anything really of being like, OK, that's not I don't want to get pissed on. But that doesn't mean if you want to get pissed on or you want to piss on someone and you're being consensual. Great. You do you. I support your choices. Yeah. So like with like being insecure about like having sex with someone new. It's like, oh, my God. But I feel like my last boyfriend said that my vagina was weird or like I feel like I'm getting in my own head that my vagina's weird so I'm afraid of having sex with anybody yeah my god there's so it's really it's a really hard

thing to talk about and I think anyone who's being on anyone who's able to chat to like friends about it I think that's a really important first step because you are so not alone in having those thoughts and insecurities everyone I think everyone has at some point had some like insecure thoughts about their genitals and that's because of the way that when we were younger they were spoken about in quite a like cruel or dismissive way porn in lots of ways can be a really positive thing I'm not anti-porn but there's lots of I think there are some issues with like mainstream hardcore porn. And one thing that's interesting about porn is that you get quite a narrow depiction of bodies, especially genitals. Like all the penises are huge. All the

vulvas are like often white. I'm British and Sri Lankan. And so I remember watching porn and being like, this feels weird. Like everyone's nipples in porn are pink and mine are brown. If you see what a normal, you've been led to believe as a normal vulva as this like little pink thing, which is also a lovely thing as well. Like that can be, that's gorgeous. But that's just one of many ways that genitals can be. Or just be responsible and top up your retirement fund. Plus, move any other eligible account and we'll give you a 1% match. Minimum $15,000 transfer. Register by March 15th. Additional terms apply.

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly right do you want to know something that might blow your minds yeah well genitals regardless of if you were born like male or female or intersex it's all like the same material so material is such a weird way of phrasing it but like when a fetus is in the womb and developing, genitals develop in exactly the same way. And then there is a moment, which I think is like,

not quite last minute. Oh God, I can't remember what week it is. And I wish I could, but there's a rush of hormones, which changes the chromosomes and like develops fetus in different ways. Where men have nipples, but also like the scrotum,

that's the same as like the outer labia. The scrotum. What? Which parts of the scrotum help me? Like the ball sack. So like the outside of the vulva, like that's similar. The clitoris and the head of the penis made of like very similar. So like.

Oh, I got it. No, I can almost see it. And the clitoris isn't just what you see on the outside. The clitoris is like 10 centimeters long and it's like inside the body. Clitorises get erections. So wait, the clitoris... Filled with blood, just like penises do. We read that once, didn't we?

So the clitoris... Because people are like, what is it? Is it a muscle? Is it a penis inside? Yeah, they're very similar. So the head of the clitoris is visible, but then it kind of inside the body. I mean, get a lovely diagram up so yeah we should like it's it kind of um encum circles around like the vault the vagina it's really hard

to like say this without using a diagram and so then when when someone is aroused and like blood engorges the clitoris might like it would do with a penis it expands it becomes like erect and so that's a lot of the internal like pressure and pleasure that you can feel is actually from the clitoris it's all like there's and there's so much that we don't know still because this is a really like under-researched topic so like we're gonna we all need to like keep learning more and more why do we not know this it's wild but there are loads of there are loads of medical textbooks that just don't have the clitoris in them. They'll show like female reproductive organs,

but they won't have. There's got to be some weird, weird, weird person who created this. But think about the history of like sexism and denying women's pleasure not being important. That's what I'm going to do. It's all of this stuff. I suddenly go, I get overexcited, but then I'm like.

No, it's like we're just not allowed to know about this know about there's so much to learn and it's so exciting you would do to try and implement it into like education at a certain point or anything like that yeah so there's still relationship in sex education which is like the fancy word for sex ed became mandatory in schools in 2018 in the country which was a big moment but still the curriculum is quite limited there's not talk about pleasure and I think it's really hard obviously people can get nervous about like the ways that you talk about pleasure with young people like you've got to be really it's got to be someone qualified it's like you've got to be careful about it not your teacher because I remember it was like my teacher and I think we had maybe three lessons on it and it's basically

like don't get down to warts like that was like a warning it's very shamey rather than it being I think the way that we teach consent has to involve pleasure in it rather than it being a like don't do this it's going consent is like the majority of the times consent is about trying to getting things right and going like hey what do you like what do I like let's create some something that really works for both of us and if we're not taught that pleasure is an important part of sex then I think it's for everybody but particularly for young women it really warps your perception of what you're there to do like so many people I know start having sex in a way that's like this is to please them a guy and actually why that's bullshit like sex is about collaborative pleasure so true damn right

where does the line of consent like russell brown situation i haven't watched a documentary but we haven't watched it we need to watch it i've i've i know someone who's in the documentary and i've avoided watching it because it's also hard like it's a really interesting thing whenever these moments come up in culture when you're someone who has experienced sexual violence it's a really it really like can shake you up not to get too put like but that's something that I've experienced before and it's really weird when suddenly everyone's talking about this on social media mainstream media just chatting to friends and almost like it's an abstract thing when actually it's not it's the majority of women and actually lots of people lots of men lots of non-binary people as well who have experienced sexual violence and it's a really

weird thing where suddenly the culture is talking about something that makes you feel like really othered of going well if you're not believing what that person says then what does that what would you think about my situation and that's really hard when I think there's a lot of focus on trying to uphold the reputation of men who have who like you know are accused of doing some really shitty things some really hot like really hot like abhorrent actions rather than listening to and believing victims and survivors of any form of like sexual harassment sexual abuse it's this it's such a minefield but every time this happens we've seen this with so many high profile men and always it's so easy to i guess it's really hard to prove sexual violence as a crime which

is why it's very unreported because people aren't incentivized to report it and then it's really hard to convict anyone of sexual violence. And by sexual violence could you just give your time of that to the list? Sexual violence I guess is broad is a broad way of thinking about it but like sexual assaults and rape are like when sex is used in a violent act, which isn't violent as in necessarily physical, but like coercive mentally. Well, I think whenever sex becomes non-consensual, when two people or more are not actively agreeing to be in that moment, as soon as consent is not part of the conversation,

it's no longer sex, it's sexual violence, it's sexual abuse. And we're talking about these really kind of like private intimate moments and it's really hard when suddenly you just see everybody really going in on them and trying to be like well what's the where's the proof what's going on it's I wish that when we when we spoke about these moments we had a lot more empathy for the people actually at the center of them and people weren't so interested in protecting the egos of most of the time men because I don't know I just think about with with all the Russell Brand stuff coming out now like how many people have experienced similar things and are hearing the

way that other people are being so dismissive about it like the impact that has on the wider culture of just like normalizing whether it's like violence or normalizing incredibly inappropriate behavior normalizing sex that doesn't center like pleasure focus consent it's a minefield it's a minefield because in one way it's like it's good this this is being spoken about because he's being held accountable and people are you know it's being shown that what he's done is wrong but in another way it's like it shouldn't even be spoken about it should have been dealt with at the beginning this is something that people have known about for for decades that's what i mean this is there have been people like i've known a couple of comedians who've known about this for a long time and haven't been able to

say anything because it's really litigious and you can get in a load of fucking trouble for like throwing out an accusation like that and so again like the all the way that this has been protected is to protect the ego and the status of a man and then now it's come out he has enough control of a narrative where he's able to say he's able to completely deny and have loads of people who get behind him straight away it's really like it's really insidious saying like for years there's a comedian that's about to get fucked over yeah people have been saying that for years there have been quite a lot of high profile people who've said it and i'm from what i know i'm pretty sure that this was the person they were talking about but there'll be more there'll be others like this never ends totally it's so and i guess it's hard like when we can talk about all of the really fun silly sexy stuff around sex and pleasure but at the same time there's all of this

and it's trying to like hold both at the same time and not get so disheartened that we just all cry in a puddle and we're like this is shit because sex has the potential to be this really exciting wonderful part of our lives yeah but we've got to do it in a way that centers care for ourselves and other people if we're lucky enough we're all going to age if I get to be 80 I will be fucking chuffed and I don't want to have the pressure of myself of being like but I should be I should have the body that I had when I was 30 or 20. That is very profound. It's about meeting yourself where you're at and finding what is gorgeous and wonderful and sexy about you and other people at the time.

It just doesn't make sense when we've got this really youth-obsessed idea of what beauty is. Because it's not. And beauty is so personal as well. I'm always interested. All the people that I find attractive, I'm interested in the things that make them stand out and make them unusual and like that to me

is beauty and it's about comfort and confidence like I want I find beauty when people are really comfortable in themselves yeah even to the point where like I will find someone more attractive if they're wearing like a really comfy pair of pants than a thong. In my mind, I'm like, there is no way that you are comfy right now. There is something right up your butt crack. I want people to be comfortable. And I think that's a really, again, that for me is a nice shift where I don't want someone to perform their beauty to me. I just want them to be experiencing it and me to be lucky enough to be like, I'm really observing this right now. I love this about you.

So confidence is key. I feel like we've all said confidence is key for so long and I guess we are like taught that like just try and be as confident as to happen in your own skin as you possibly can be yeah mistake confidence for like outwardly like having a confident personality rather than just actually being comfortable in your own skin yeah yeah it's more than confident you've been so amazing I could sit here and talk to you all day. Honestly, I really could. It's so inspirational, so insightful, so interesting. And you do have a book, so I'm sure most of our listeners I have a book.

Yeah, I wrote a book called Sex Ed, A Guide for Adults. So it's all the juicy stuff that you didn't get taught at school. But now we're grownups and we can talk about it in a more fun way. So if you want to learn any more about the stuff we've been talking about there.

I need to be reading that. And it's gorgeous as well like my friend illustrated it's so beautiful it's like really really the pictures are like almost better than my words and i think my words are quite good i feel like you explain things in a really like it's you explain them in a light way but it's also obviously a very serious topic but it's also very comfortable like it's calming kind i don't weigh you got to be kind to ourselves it's also very comfortable like calming kind I don't know way you've got to be kind to ourselves it's really important like this stuff

can be really heavy so it's true and then sex rated I hope people like it I'm thinking that's going to be such a hit

it's juicy but you know it's still me being a little sex nerd in there as well yeah it's entertaining but also educational and I can't wait

to watch it and thank you so much for coming on thanks for having me bye guys bye guys I can't wait to watch it. And thank you so much for coming on. Thanks for having me. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Wealthsimple's Big Winter Bundle is our best match offer yet.

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I want to know what happens. Well then, tinies, we have got some news for you. We have launched a premium version of Wednesdays. Now listen, subscribers get access to the podcast ad free with bonus episodes. It's pretty amazing. It's also packed full of dilemma follow-ups which we love and some of our more personal stories and recommendations and it's super easy you just listen on your favorite app how cool is that amazing and all the info is in the episode

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