Wednesdays - 90: Dr Michaela on New Years Resolutions, Heartbreak, managing self-doubt & boundaries

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

Today we have the incredible Dr Michaela, a Clinical Psychologist in the studio, and we’re chatting allll things self love, boundaries, confidence and breakups!Dr Michaela is helping us with your break up dilemmas, toxic energy in relationships and how to become the very best version of you in 2023. We adored this episode and hope it can help you guys! For more help and tips you can follow Dr Michaela here: https://www.instagram.com/myeasytherapy/?hl=enWe're drinking a Le Fabla 2019 Red from Wine 52!Sophie- 6Melissa - 6Dr Michaela 10 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, you're a Canadian podcast listener, and that makes you important to us. We'd like to know more about you, what you think of this podcast, and the other podcasts you'd like to hear. So we put together a super brief survey we'd like you to fill out. Complete it, and we'll give you a chance to win one of three $100 Amazon gift cards. That way, we can say thanks for your opinion. Just go to mypodcastsurvey.ca and have your say. That's mypodcastsurvey.ca. okay ladies and gentlemen we have a wonderful wonderful guest i'm very excited please do you want to do the welcome michaela psychologist or okay what's the difference between the psychologist

and the psychiatrist so i'm a clinical, so psychiatrists will prescribe medication. I'm not licensed to do that, so it's fine. So for psychologists, would you call yourself like a therapist? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and what do you... I'm so excited for this session, guys. We wanted to speak to Michaela for so long, so we're really ready. Because obviously, just a bit of background about us we sit we do drink wine which we did ask mikaela if she'd like to you and it's christmas and you know we're filming

recording this on friday so we all thought we'd have a lovely glass of wine but basically we answer girls and boys sometimes dilemmas and they're typically about relationships or friendships body confidence and we feel and think that's what you specialize in absolutely so would you sort of like to give the audience or the listeners I guess a sort of debrief of what you do so I am as you said I'm Dr Michaela I am a psychologist I've been a psychologist for many many years now and I started off in the NHS and kind of I worked with children first of all yeah so I started off in the NHS and then it got really busy in the NHS and then the pandemic happened right so I was like okay cool so I've made it to be a clinical psychologist I'm a doctor that sounds great however I'm burnt out stressed out and I need

some more freedom yeah so now I left the nhs i still feel bad about it i've got like martyr syndrome but left the nhs in 2020 no 2020 yeah i'm so confused with all those dates of covid and all that stuff i feel like i've missed a whole year 100 you know also this is the first christmas we're having without any restrictions the first one oh because i can't remember what I did last Christmas and I realised I wasn't with my family again because I was... Yeah, I wasn't with mine. I just spent it with my brother alone in London.

So upsetting. I decided to just do what I wanted to do, which was work with people just like me. So women struggling with anxiety, imposter syndrome, self-doubt. That was me. That still is me to a certain extent. But I decided to special specialize in working with women because I just feel like I can just talk to it and I just get it and relate and it's definitely our ability to manage our emotions or not our ability to manage

uncomfortable thoughts or not difficult thoughts or not really can hold us back yeah and there's like a a gap between for a lot of us where we are in our careers in our life and where we want to be and i believe that in order to bridge that gap we have to do some internal work like we have to do some internal work we have to figure out what kind of thoughts we're paying attention to what kind of emotions we're allowing us to um you know allowing to take us off course like fear and anxiety and things like that so once we're able to manage like really conquer difficult emotions and not pay attention to like nonsense thoughts and self-doubt we can do anything like anything yeah you have the power to literally unstoppable and i know that it's not just like I guess it is anecdotally theoretically as well but I've literally done it myself

like I did it myself and this is how I'm even here like it just things are happening for me like taking some time out just to work on me sounds so cliche doesn't it work on yourself but I did that and Instagram you know I didn't even have a social media page I've never had a private like a sorry like a personal Instagram ever I didn't like posting pictures I didn't like I didn't like it so me just deciding that I'm gonna practice what I preach and do the internal work has resulted in things that I couldn't even say it was a dream like I don't even think about I didn't think about doing this kind of stuff because it just did not even seem to be on the table I did a podcast with Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child last week

oh my god can you mega fan over here not even a joke like and then she was like she was like um oh Kelly follows you I'm gonna call her and tell her that i had dr michaela on my show and i'm like trying to hold it down like i'm about to call my mom literally right now oh my god that's wild that's wild i don't even know i exist but again all the thoughts that i had before that were holding me back yeah you're not good enough and the self-doubt and you're from lucia i'm saying you can't do this and nobody around me is doing anything much like on this level anyway so i just didn't even i didn't even think it was possible and then i just thought actually no i was pushed to do it i guess more because of the the freedom element because i wanted to get out of the nhs because i didn't

want to burn out and keep running myself ragged. So that kind of pushed me to put myself out there. And I decided, you know what, let me just do it. Let me just show up. Even though I'm like anxious as hell, even though I've got bubble guts and all of that stuff, I'm still going to show up. Like I'm taking uncomfortable emotions with me. I'm taking the unhelpful thoughts that tell me, what are you even doing? People are going to make fun of you and laugh. I'm taking them with me too. And I'm doing what i need to do and then god i have so many questions

yeah this is that's it that's amazing i feel like i could either use this as just a one-on-one therapy session i know two or one i could have really done with you in the breakup yeah i because i speak to a therapist and i gave melissa spoke to my therapist yeah just throughout her breakup but you found it so useful it's just i guess get your thoughts out into the open and just to have them i guess played back to you by a professional who really like knows how what they're dealing with and it's one thing advice and stuff from your friends but it just feels different when you're hearing advice from a professional like just talking out with someone who you feel you're in good safe hands yeah no absolutely and they're probably saying the same things to be fair like the stuff that I talk about in my sessions

like not to play it down that's obviously amazing but it's like common sense like psychology is it's not rocket science yeah there's some theory behind it and people they know this evidence base and stuff like that but really and truly it's all the same stuff that you would tell melissa exactly would tell you yeah it's the same stuff it's just as you said sometimes you just need to hear it from the same thing from outside source from a different person yeah um just so you know okay cool it's definitely the right thing to do and you still probably won't do it anyway but it's you know it feels like a reassurance i find it almost like an accountability thing it is like a reassurance but it's also like absolutely accountability and the fact you're even

and also just like everyone is when you're younger you think oh my god you've got a therapist whereas now it's like oh i wish i could have a therapist you, I'm very lucky that I can get one. But there are loads of places like, you know, we've done work with BetterHelp and places. Yeah, yeah. You know, there are affordable ways to do it nowadays. But I feel like everyone's got such a shifted perspective on it now. It's like, it's not just because you're like, you know, going through a really hard time or whatever.

It's just like everyone should have someone to, because life's hard. And our thoughts are fucking hard and nobody tells us how to deal with emotions and thoughts and then we just let them rule us and lead us into ruin bad relationships bad jobs bad friendships um and just having that space to be able to unpack what you are doing and why you are doing it yeah and if you continue this way where is it going to take you let's just think about that for a moment and also do you like that do you like the idea of where this is going to take you if you continue doing the same things in the same way around the same people with the same energy what's five years going to look like for you what's 10 years if you can say oh my god it's gonna be amazing then great you probably don't need a therapist but usually people are like this is

not sustainable yeah how i feel with how i think with what's happening in my life and i keep getting into the same situations over and over again something needs to be different but it's hard to know where to even start it's an overwhelming thought that in itself so overwhelming sometimes you just get in such a rut and then you always go like oh no it will all be fine and then it always gets worse and worse and worse absolutely yeah what's your opinion on the stats jonah hill he's done this whole series with his therapist and he's such a sweet guy therapist i've not watched i've only watched bits and bobs because my boyfriend was watching it and like loved it but the therapist is actually sort of quite he's not very by the book with it he's like i will actually tell you

what you need to do yes to fix the problem because a lot of therapists won't actually say anything and they'll just sort of get they'll just sort of listen and sit back i want someone to tell me tell me what to do and he goes if you do this guarantee you'll be better next week and then but what do you mean not? Would you say to somebody, okay, we've got, we've got dilemmas to dig into, but she's gone.

Sorry, I just had to cover that a little bit. If you got asked, like, you know, if someone was cheating or whatever, and the woman comes in, she's like crying,

crying, crying, she's like laughing, want to go back. Would you be able to say in your profession, like, I don't think you should go back, or would you have to let her make that decision?

But you can steer her to think that way. Depends on what mood I'm in. Depends on how much of an idiot he is. No joking. Okay, cool. Slash not joking. Slash not joking. Little bit joking.

So we are trained to be like a blank slate, right? You don't want any of your own opinions and emotions to kind of impact the therapeutic relationship it is hard but i get it so if you're following more of a psychodynamic model they call it like psychoanalysis don't need to go into the detail of it but there's different models within psychology that do different things so they're like they're very much a blank slate um they're the kind of psychologists that you will see on like movies and stuff with them drawing the pictures and that and persons laying down on the chair um and that's very you know they come to their own conclusions i like to mix it up a little bit especially when there's a safeguarding concern like if there's a safeguarding concern like risk your husband is being you or something like that you tell me that

like things where there's risk involved then i do have to be very direct in terms of like telling people the next steps to do just to make very direct in terms of like telling people the next steps to do just to make sure I'm keeping them safe that's my first priority over anything when there are situations where cheating's difficult relationships are very very difficult because you can give you know what it's like you give your friends advice you give people advice they are going to do what they want to do anyway and then they can resent you for giving them that advice exactly exactly so in those situations if it was like a cheating situation I would just try and guide the person to the outcome that they think is going to be best for them in relation to all the other things we're talking about all the things that they're trying to achieve

what relationship they want so I would kind of lay out probably some values like what do you want from a relationship what does it look like let's get really granular let's get really specific and do you think you can get that in this situation and then they can come up their own conclusion yeah if they do okay let's walk toward let's work towards getting that for you yeah and if you don't let's work towards getting you out of that situation but the decision has to come from from that has to come from them yeah yeah because you can't force anyone to do anything no right well we've got some juicy dilemmas i don't know you should call them juicy but they are quite juicy aren't they melissa you really fast or is that me yeah i think we should just really quickly touch on the wine that we're all drinking and we're loving. Sorry we got really quick. We forgot.

It's very jammy. It's very jam-shad-fied. It's called Profoundé. Very rich. Profound or Profoundé? We try and pretend that we're like wine connoisseurs, but we're terrible. We don't know. I don't know anything about wine.

It's a Grenache grape. We love a Grenache grape. We love a Grenache grape. Is Grenache the name of a grape? Yeah, it's a type of grape. I say Grenache and I'm like, what is that? No, classically. All I know is my mum told me that it's normally a lovely rosé, it's a Grenache the name of a grape? I say Grenache and I'm like what is that? No classically you're like All I know is my mum told me that it's

normally a lovely rose is a Grenache grape so it's always a safe bet kind of thing this is obviously a red wine and it's a Grenache grape Yeah but what do they do? Do they take the skin off? Oh is that what it is? No they keep the skin on I'm not sure We sort of look around the room for help

and everyone's looking at us like no no we don't know what the hell you're talking about We don't know if you want to fill us in on how you make a red wine We should know this I mean we've been doing this for a whole year Melissa I've also been to so many vineyards Have you? You're just drinking the wine

Excuse me I've been to two or three And I've done a whole wine tasting course But I was too young to take it but i was too young to take it in i was too young to take it in the wine tasting course i was about 17 and all i thought about them was woohoo let's get drunk at school hold on you did it can you blame me you're 17 years old so obviously for new year's resolutions people put quite a lot of pressure on themselves you know it's always like i'm gonna go ham in the gym or you know i'm gonna be my best person yet

we're gonna cut all carbs and cut sugar yeah and i'm gonna find the love of my always like i'm gonna go ham in the gym or you know i'm gonna be my best person yet we're gonna cut all carbs and cut out sugar yeah and i'm gonna find the love of my life and i'm you know there's quite a lot i think there is a lot of pressure i'm doing it to myself right now by the way guys we are actually recording this not in the new year but like i'm i can feel myself doing it to myself in the new year and we're actually doing it to each other we're like yeah i'm doing it in the new year i'm like won't be drip i'm like in the new year pilates every day yeah yeah yeah like what are your thoughts on people putting like on the new year I'm like won't be drip I'm like in the new year pilates every day yeah yeah yeah like what are your thoughts on people putting like on the new year's resolutions thing in general like is it generally quite positive or oh it's tricky because if you're I am all for setting goals emotional well-being goals though not financial goals I don't set financial goals

anymore or anything like that like emotional well-being goals at any point doesn't have to be the new year are perfect for me and if having a goal and having a focus motivates you to get it done fine but i do feel like the new year new me pressure can stop people from actually just like you said it's like all or nothing like i'm gonna be this completely different person you're literally setting yourself up for failure. That's why the gyms are always empty by mid-February. And so full, like the first of January. So full. All the regulars are like, look at all these people.

They're going to be gone. They will be gone. You put all this pressure on yourself. You don't achieve the goals. And then you feel bad about yourself. So I would say, for me personally, I don't... The start of New year is something fresh so I get why people want to kind of you know do something differently the start of the new year but personally I would instead of doing a big build up at the beginning of the year spread it out throughout the year

like 2023 yeah doesn't always have to be in January don't always have to be and it's not going to be in January let's just let's just be honest like it's just not going to happen you're going to feel bad about yourself and then you're going to feel even worse so actually spread it out throughout the year for 2023 what do you want to be different and give yourself some grace you know the pressure as i said before can make you not show up in the way that you want to can make you not do the things that you want to do so give yourself permission to not do it and it's okay it's a nice to have unless there's somebody holding a gun to you and don't let that person be yourself but you know yeah unless you actually need to do it for whatever reason then give yourself some grace and i'm going to try and do

this and um you know if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen we will troubleshoot and figure out why but um i as i said i've got mixed feelings about it i like people having a focus people call it goals or whatever it is i call it a compass point for me it just knows how to helps me how to um know how to direct my steps when i've got a clear goal in mind but again i don't say it needs to be done by this point because after many years of doing years resolutions and sitting these tight goal because everyone else does it doesn't work for me as i said i end up feeling bad right spread it out throughout the year like self-improvement is great if you feel like you need to but also do you need to change anything maybe you don't need to don't just jump on the bandwagon because everyone's setting new

year new me goals and also why wait for the new year do it now do it now what it's the whole i'll do it tomorrow attitude it is i don't i don't necessarily but i love it i love monday but no mondays mondays is like the throughout the year that's the new year but i like to just start something now i won't be like hard because that avoidance is not going to change because i'm comfortable to do it now i just started pilates it was meant to be my new year goal and i just thought screw i'm gonna start today love that it's not gonna be easier to start in january yeah at all just start now and then to keep it up as well like i always say just get the jump on the new year so if there's anything you want to start now don't wait for the new year get the jump on it now start love that get the jump on the new year brilliant anyway dilemmas so we're drinking lovely red now we're going to move on to dilemmas and we're staring the most at you so you can just help us

with the advice because i'm like really we try our best but sometimes we do get a bit stuck and we're like oh we're not really sure what to tell you because we probably aren't giving the right advice i'd probably give quite toxic advice in many ways because I would play the game with certain boys and they're a bad boy. I'm like, oh, we'll play the game back.

But it's probably not going to lead you into a good, you know, Don't put yourself down. It might work. It will probably get you a shag. It depends what the outcome is. Let's just see.

Yeah, exactly. Let's see what their end game is. What do they want? Very true. Okay, do you want to read the first one? Oh, it's the first one. Yeah, all right. I'm juicy okay okay hey ladies i've been to the entire podcast and finally caught up and absolutely love it here's my dilemma sorry it's a long one i've always felt i haven't ever belonged i've always

felt like an outsider even with close friends i'm very much extrovert introvert so being around people drains my social battery but i also hate being alone and suffering from fomo i recently had a serious reality check that some of my friends don't value as much as i value them i recently got married to my wonderful husband and on my hen do some of the girls invited very much use it as an excuse to be on a girls holiday with other girls in the group. I ended up in tears at multiple points because they made zero effort to get involved in activities,

didn't dress, barely spoke to me the whole weekend. That's horrible. This then continued to the wedding where they barely spoke to me there. I've got to the point where i will no longer fight to be a part of their lives if they don't want to be a part of mine it's just so difficult because a lot of their partners are friends with my husband so avoiding them will be extremely difficult and i don't want to make things awkward for my husband when he gets on with the guys any advice on how

to deal with this situation this has changed the way my husband views these friends but it's not his battle and i don't want him to fight my battles when he still gets on with the group that's horrible that's a tricky tricky situation tricky one it's so it's so like i feel sad for her i know i feel sad but i can see it because you go on a hen and you know we're going on a hen but me and melissa are like joint at the hip so we're gonna stay in the same room and we're going to talk loads. And, you know, it's hard to be like, actually, we should really be focusing on the bride. Yeah. So you can see, but then to follow, you know.

But she said all of them. But this is like, this is almost sounds like they're just leaving her out and excluding her. Yeah, that's horrible. This is horrible. So are these actually her friends? Well, that sounds like they're not really. They're not. No, okay.

They're just level friends, isn't it? And it sounds like she's made the decision that she doesn't want to be friends with them so she's sitting that boundary which is great like she's decided that they're not the people i want to spend my time with yeah and usually that would it's difficult to do but when you don't have to see them again then it's kind of easier to make that break however because of her husband she still has to be around them yeah hmm okay so i get what she means about not pressuring the husband to kind of not talk to them as well that's his own thing he can decide what he wants to do so i think that's the right decision let him make his own mind up but in terms of her i think she just needs to if she doesn't want to be around them then why does she need to be around them at all?

I think maybe if there's a, you know, like, for example, there's a group event, there's a lovely barbecue, you know, couples are all invited. Obviously he's invited, he's married to her. They as a couple are invited. So he's obviously going to go. Ultimately what I think will happen is your husband will just take your side and be like, hun, I don't actually have to see those guys, you know,

or maybe meet up with just the boys and that's as far as the friendship has to go. Best case scenario. Best case scenario. But what if he doesn't? Well, it sounds like almost they were your friends and he's then become friends with their other half. Oh, it's the other way around. I was getting it that he was friends with them and she's made friends with the girlfriend. That's what I read from it oh

really but maybe it doesn't maybe they've just gradually as a group made friends with this other group right it's hard because of that the boyfriend she's also being really like nice not because i'd be like jamie you can't do it i actually know of someone and her husband's best friend they don't get on at all and she's just accepted that that's the case and she's just not bothered by it she's like whatever like you go do your thing like i'm not gonna see him i'm not gonna see like that group of people if she's able to do that though i think that's that's what i would do personally i just wouldn't put myself in that that environment i i consider myself a highly sensitive person which means i definitely feed

off of energy and if i have to be around them and it's going to drain my energy i'm going to feel bad i'm a grown woman why would you do it i'm not going to do that however it depends she's got the foamy city that's what she's right because she's yeah i think she should make some new friends easier said than done at this like she's married i'm assuming she's of a certain age but easier said than done but she just needs to have people close to her that she can trust and that she likes and if these people are not it then that's really unfortunate because they're already there and it would have been great but long term end game is it going to be sustainable her sitting there and kind of feeling awkward all the time feeling left out if there's a couple people that she could like get

with like one-on-one explain how she feels like so this is a scenario where if she has to be around them like the husband is saying i'm gonna hang around with them regardless you know do what you do figure it out if it was me i'd get a couple of them be very clear about how i feel not blaming just saying that i felt kind of like you know a bit left out i don't know if it's me but you'd really you'd actually confront them i would like i'm not all of them as a group just like pick the nicest maybe the one that's your closest and just be like i'm kind of bumming out about it to be honest and i don't know yeah if i and if they have any if they're worth any of like of you wanting a friendship with them they would be sit there and be like oh my god i'm so sorry you feel that way. Exactly.

And if they don't, then good riddance. Then you can actually say, I'm not coming out anymore. Yeah. But if she, you know, she has to be out with them, then I'll pick one or two and just say, just be really honest with how I feel. Again, don't, not Aggie or anything like that. Just being very, very clear about how she feels when this happens.

Just so that when you go there, you've got like a friendly face. You don't want to make it super awkward because you cut everybody off yeah you want at least a couple people that you can be like hi you're right some nice feel do you know yeah like a um ally yes yeah that's it yeah alibi what have you done she needs an alibi yeah i know i agree yeah okay so that's what we think you should take two of them aside the nicest ones probably the ones you felt closest to and just be really open and honest and vulnerable with them keep it 100 yeah also i don't think there's anything wrong with just going for dinner every now and then with the ones that you that are

the nicest don't have to take the whole group and then you're gonna have that scenario sometimes i do think there can be a group of girls and they can all be so lovely. And all it does is take one sort of manipulator or like one girl with energy that can sucks and it can turn the whole group against each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bizarre how that happens sometimes with people.

And you're like, whoa, like if you took that one person away, they would all get on so well. What is that when that happens sometimes with people and you're like whoa like if you took that one person away they would all get on the zone like so well what is that when that happens it's like an out for like energy i guess it's almost like without saying the word it's like a bully who people are scared of yeah so then they follow because they're like i'd rather be on her side than against her yeah absolutely nobody wants to be left out of the group and everyone wants approval from the person they don't get it from so she if they're being a bit mean and you know you don't want to be on the receiving end of it then people are going to flock to her it's funny you think you grow out that sort of thing but clearly it still happens yeah fascinating right

on to the next dilemma hey girls i have a bit of a dilemma i went away with a guy I'm seeing this weekend and it started and I started to realize some red flags and don't know whether we can work through it or if he's just toxic and I need to call it off we've been dating for about six months I really like him and I can see him being my boyfriend quite soon the only thing is I've started to notice he puts me down quite a lot in the form of a joke or flirting he makes comments about what i wear saying stuff like i always have my boobs out and it's too much when when really i just have big boobs yesterday driving home from the weekend i was feeling so happy and then he started making little dicks

towards the end of the drive i was joking around asking what my biggest red flag is and he responded you're a slut what what i was quite shocked and responded what to and he responded, you're a slut. What? I was quite shocked and responded, what? To which he said, yeah, you're a slut. Pardon? Sorry, this guy is horrid. Obviously, this made me feel really shit about myself and I went quiet and was trying not to cry. I mean, obviously, I'd be the same.

But I almost feel like he's joking. Like, is he drunk or something? That's very odd. I can imagine him just being a nasty piece of work and just being like, yeah, you're a slut. Like, why aren't you admitting it? Like, I can imagine him being like, do you know what I mean?

I can imagine it being like that. But what's the evidence for this? Why is he saying this? Is this a joke? I don't know. And also what random things to say. Like, where's that come from? Because she's got big boobs.

He's obviously an insecure motherfucker. Yeah, he's got a lot going on. He noticed this and said, you know I'm just joking i do know he is joking but i don't know why he constantly makes little digs and puts me down i always wanted him to feel good about himself and always compliment him but he seems to find it funny putting me down and making me feel bad about myself and it's really started to affect my self-esteem i know i now just feel a bit turned off by him i really like one side of

him which is sweet and vulnerable with me but more often than not it's the side that puts me down and makes digs as a joke is the side i see i need your help on what to do currently i'm just airing his text because i don't want to talk to him right now as i feel upset and need space but i know i need to address it i also just feel a bit embarrassed to address it because it seems like I can't take a joke. Let me know if you have any advice. Thank you so much and love the podcast. We love you too.

I think they've got a different sense of humour then. Same. If that's a joke, because it's not my sense of humour. It's not mine. It's not funny. Also, like, I get it. The first time, like, new boy,

you'd be like, hey, yeah, I'm sad. And then the third time, you're like, you're actually hurting my feelings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, what and also i've i've been in a relationship or dated boys who make the constant dig and they say it in a jokey way but actually you read the book it's they are trying to dig at you they find you annoying or they dislike you in some way and it is a day yeah no one calls someone a slut or makes those jokey digs i've done it to people in

the past and i'm like oh it's just a joke but i'm actually annoyed at them yeah yeah like you're being a dick yeah so if this is what she wants from a boyfriend yeah then she should continue if she wants her boyfriend to be calling out her name calling her a slut being mean to her respectful to you yeah like if she wants them to do all the things that he's been doing keep chipping away at her self-esteem so she has to spend years building it back up again then she doesn't really need to do anything differently i think if she does not want that for herself if she doesn't want to have to build up her self-esteem after she leaves you know after this situation then at a minimum she needs to set some very clear boundaries with him because yeah and this is assuming this is being nice this is assuming he can do things differently.

Like, we're giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he doesn't know. He might just be innately nasty. And, I mean, it sounds like it, but, you know, just take judgment off the table a little. Let's try to. Hard. But if she does not, if she's not been clear with him, then that'll be the first step. When you say things like this, it makes me feel like this. And that's non-negotiable for me and it shouldn't be empty threats either like if you say this again i'm gonna leave because you're not gonna leave and then they're gonna know then they're gonna

get worse or through every relationship i'm gonna break up with you yeah there's no point because they get stronger and stronger after they realize you're just lying lose respect for you a bit because you keep saying it and then you never leave yeah and also for yourself as well because you need to trust yourself that you can set boundaries to look after yourself and keep those boundaries so if she hasn't set very clear boundaries with him then she needs to do that if she has done it and he's still doing it then again what's your end game is this what you want is this what you want to continue with and why do you think you can't do better than this like if he's she said that he she likes that he's sweet, he's vulnerable.

Great. He's not the only sweet, vulnerable man in the world. No, I was going to say, yeah. Like let's get. And he doesn't sound that vulnerable to me. He doesn't.

There's something going on. There's definitely something going on. So she wants sweet, vulnerable and someone that's kind to her, then she should go towards and see if she can find that. But again, you're in these situations,

it chips away at your self-esteem and then you feel like you can't. So is it? Yes, you're so right. You feel like you can't leave. But again, you're in these situations, it chips away at your self-esteem and then you feel like you can't. Yes, you're so right. You feel like you can't leave and you feel like you're almost never going to get anyone better and you're nothing without them. It's a weird how it happens

and it can happen very quickly to somebody as well, I think. Yep, absolutely. Right. That was excellent advice. Oh, I am going to take so much of this on board for future dilemmas.

Good. Also, just the way you word it, it's just so lovely. Yes, I know. It makes me feel like it's not Also, just the way you word it, it's just so lovely. Yes, I know. It makes me feel like it's not scary. Like the word you're saying, that's just a non-negotiable for me. Like, what the fuck?

That's just the best thing ever to say. Right, okay. We've got one more dilemma. FanDuel Casino Daily Jackpots. Guaranteed to hit by 11pm with your chance at the number one feeling. Winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do.

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one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 p.m eastern research and supply see full terms at canada.casino.fandu.com please play responsibly hey guys here's my heartbreak i've been seeing a guy since last august we met on tinder and it was amazing around feb this year he freaked out as when we had met he'd only just got out of a 10-year relationship three weeks before our tuesday which i knew when we met but anyway i'd fallen head over heels and was so in love two weeks ago he said he was going back home which is in scarborough we both live in leeds area the friday night i messaged how's home blah blah, blah, blah. And he said, just sat drinking with my dad. Sorry, babe, didn't text. Fine, he can be like that.

Boys can. Something didn't sit right. I looked at his Instagram and he'd followed this Instagram girl who had 12K followers. She then followed him back. So I watch her story and she's on a drunken plane to Barcelona. I hear a northern boy and thought, hmm, is this him? Nah, don't be silly. I message him and he tells me he's spending his Saturday with his mates and about to head out then quiet which is unlike him

as I usually get drunk and miss you babe how's your night or a good night text I wake up the anxiety is killing me so I call him and it's an international dial tone the phone then cuts off and I get a message morning princess I said what's wrong he said nothing cut a long story short I sent a few insecure texts and said I'm heading to him as your plans and it was weird for me to get to his before him and I had got a key I get to his and at this point I'm losing my mind his car is there I message him I'm at yours and then I get I can't see you today I'm in Manchester text me text blocked fuck this I'm going in he's not there so I search his house my stuff is hidden the picture of us is in the drawer my toilet bag under his bed I get on the phone to the girl saying he's defo with her

but they're like calm down you're being mad well I messaged him saying I'm not at yours and I'm not leaving he then unblocks me and replies are you still at mine i said yeah and he said i went on a date friday night got drunk we went to manchester and flew out to barcelona i was fucking right i fill everyone in as he's on his way back bottle of rose down and wait for him to walk in he explains it all says he thinks he likes her he's been unsure about our future and he has been on tinder for a few months that was apparently his only date that they didn't sleep together and she just as she got in a mood with him we talk calmly but he at one point tries to kiss me so i get my stuff and leave good i'm hurting because i saw my future with him i'm two weeks

in yes getting stronger but my god it physically hurts and the worst part is i've made i've been made redundant two weeks before this so i was in a bad place as it was please give me advice as i've been through it before as advice i've been through it before i'm 34 but this pain i've never felt before okay what a story oh my god what a story no calling an international girl You motherfucker Oh my god this cup was blown I'm about to meet them in Barcelona to be fair I would be there

Yeah yeah yeah We're all doing this How long have they been together Two weeks that's what I thought Oh they've been together two weeks Or they've been broken up two weeks We've been dating for six months Since last August

Right so you're over it Wow That's a shame No that's really a shame and that's not nice That's cheating Wait so he just instead of dumping her He just decides to go on Tinder Why is he doing that

That is traumatising That is literally traumatizing like that is literally your trauma your trust is gone like unless you okay cool so depending on funds i would get a therapist if she doesn't have one already just so that this doesn't stick with her like if she can have professional support to get and i'm not even being dramatic like if she can have professional support to get through this then that'll be great because also when things like this happen not to take it too deep but this abandonment this rejection this ghosting can really trigger people's like childhood wounds so like if you've had experiences of being

abandoned by parents or caregivers and you know you don't remember you don't remember how bad it feels at the time and people don't know other like people's history so you don't he's like oh i'm just doing whatever i'm doing and she'll get over it like how does he know that like he could be triggering some serious stuff in her and that might be why it hurts so much today because it's not just about what he's doing right now it's about all the memories that's come back and all the feelings that she had when maybe it was like even in a friendship you know and you've got like a three friendship and then there's always one person that's left out for a bit and that felt bad when you were seven and you've never forgotten it so now that you come oh my god that's right oh yeah god it's honestly crazy it's all

dance childhood isn't it absolutely oh i feel so cringy and um cliche saying that but it really is like it really is when you sorry i feel like that so what's the best advice to get a professional help okay so get professional support i would say if she can but you know that's a luxury for some people double down on the self-care if it's just her she needs to again cliche focus on herself she needs to double down on self-care and i don't just mean like the bubble baths and the wine although that's good i mean the the journaling the writing out how she feels the naming her emotions the speaking about it as well to her friends so when you say journaling do you mean just like literally pouring out your heart just pour out your heart yeah some people have like journal prompts like literally just

write whatever comes to mind like just write it and get it out hopefully that will and again we need to think about her end game because it sounds like she's like i don't know if she's tempted to be back oh gosh but it doesn't sound like he wants her back he's trying to kiss he quite likes the other girl and then tried to kiss her and i hope the other girl can hear that as well other girl he tried to kiss the other girl just so you know every girl this guy if he ever tries to take you to barcel flag don't do it I wish we could out him your face you're so serious about this yeah that's really upsetting I do think you're right speaking to your friends

I know that sounds like such a simple thing but my god it transforms your thoughts shared is a problem that is literally the truest thing that's why I say it's not rocket science psychology is not rocket science. It's just, you know, speaking about it, don't hold it in.

Do nice things for yourself. It's Christmas, which is going to be more difficult. But just surround yourself. I think so. Because everyone's all like the people that. It's cuffing season and all of this. Yeah. And people are going to be out partying.

We actually wanted to talk to you about that. Because I feel like even though we haven't got dilemmas about this specifically we get dilemmas constantly about this and obviously like Christmas is cuffing season you know people are all in relationships and I know a lot of people find it hard to be single and sort of alone at this time yeah because even if you know lots of people don't have you know the perfect family or whatever what would sort of your advice be to those people who are finding Christmas quite a lonely time um I would think about if you knew that you were never going to be in a relationship never going to get married what would you do like if you knew that that was not on the cards for you how would you live your life because you know being in a relationship is like one version of life right you get a get a dog. You get a partner.

And I've done this myself as well years back. You just need a friend. Literally. What would you do? I'd just latch on to one of my friends with all my might. I'd just be in the middle of you and Jamie's relationship. I mean, I am anyway. Pretty much what you did when you broke up.

Yeah, yeah. Would you not like go and... I don't care if I'm not welcome. Well, you could go travelling. You could go travelling. Yeah, like don't care if i'm not welcome well you could go traveling you could go traveling you could write a book you know you could do all those things that you want to be selfish and do change a narrative but some people don't like being alone that i don't like being i can't like being alone but i also hate being but then there is other humans on the planet that don't have to be in a relationship with like your friends like they're it's such

an enormous pillar in your life your purpose and your friends right absolutely like we're told okay so as humans we want to be in a relationship like romantic relationship we love it down to it's our yeah it's human nature that's how we continue the the human species right yeah however especially as women as well like you know we can do a lot more other things and like get married we are multitaskers and some people are especially I've seen this year and speaking to women from all over the world the narrative is changing about being single like it's chosen like it's it's okay I could be in a relationship if I wanted to but I'm not so what am I going to do with this time i'm going to do all the things i wouldn't be able to do so i'm going to stay out until whatever time or i'm going to write a book or i'm going to stay in my pajamas all day

or i'm going to go on holiday for six months and not have to talk to anybody whatever it is like reframe it this is not a punishment this is not a punishment this is free time just freedom it's freedom yeah freedom so enjoy that freedom and be around your friends change the narrative whatever whatever you want to believe about your situation if you want to believe that your situation is amazing and it's great that you've got this time to focus on yourself and without anybody telling you what to do without having to hold anybody else in mind then focus on that like what that's why i said find out if you knew that you was never going to be in a relationship but you still was going to live an amazing life what would you be doing write that down like write it down and then make steps towards it so you're still living your life

for you if somebody comes along great we can share it together but i'm listen this life is still happening what a lovely lovely you just gotta trust and embrace the process trust yourself trust yourself trust yourself it's all about self-love you've just got to start loving yourself what would be sort of your top tips and just getting to people who just are really struggling with self-love and self-esteem and all those sorts of things focus on the thoughts that tell you that you are good enough like we have thousands and thousands of thoughts every day and some of them are going to be positive some of them are going to be negative but some of us like to pay more attention to the negative thoughts the thoughts that tell us we're not good enough or that we can't do this thing or

that nobody likes us or we'll never find anyone sometimes because it's safer to focus on those thoughts we feel like we're doing something we can problem solve and nobody will catch us off guard and or life won't catch us off guard because i've already thought about all the bad things right exactly um but that doesn't make us feel good it doesn't we're not solving any problems we're just hating ourselves even more so allow yourself to focus on some of the positives about yourself you don't need to go in extreme and be like I am Beyonce and all of this like I love affirmations but sometimes they're a bit extreme right yeah hard to believe just just a neutral thing something that you want to believe about yourself something that is not I am

worthless and give your attention to that and keep giving your attention to that. That's the first part. The second part is making sure that your behavior, and you could even skip the first part to be fair, if you want to really build up your self-esteem quickly, make sure that your behavior is not in line with the negative thoughts that you have about yourself because you will create a world that you do not want to live in. So if you feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive, nobody's going to like me, your behavior is going to reflect that. Your behavior is going to reflect that and you're going to create a situation that you don't want.

You're going to attract the guy that doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself and you're giving out low-key energy that shows that person that- It's all about energy. All about energy. Like little facial, it's so like minute little facial expressions

where you sit all of these things kind of communicate remember body language is eight percent of communication so if internally you're feeling like you're a worthless piece of whatever you might think it's not coming out but it's gonna come out people are gonna see that and people are gonna respond to you based on how you feel about yourself and that's a situation you're gonna create and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy another thing is that you might not go for things so back to the top of the conversation you know when i first came here we were talking about um the gap between where we want to be and where we are currently i believe that gap will be filled or that that bridge will be created when we learn to align ourselves with positive thoughts about ourselves the thoughts that can tell us to do it because if we keep telling

ourselves we can't do it and we're not going to make it and we're going to fail there's no point because i'm not good good as that person our behavior is going to reflect that we're not going to want to do it so we're not going to do it so then we don't have the evidence that we can do it and that same negative thought stays in our minds if we want to chip away at those negative thoughts we need to change the behavior yeah regardless of what our thoughts are telling us to be like whoa i didn't actually know you're wrong i've managed exactly and that's how you break them exactly and even if it's like oh so what like thoughts thank you you're trying to over protect me maybe thank you whatever it is but

i've got a clear idea about what my end game i'm so big on end games like anything I'm doing like why am I doing this like what's the what's the benefit of it if something is in line with my end game in line with my values then regardless of what my thoughts tell me because my thoughts are negative sometimes too a lot of the times regardless of what my thoughts tell me and what I want to do what my instincts tell me like avoid or don't bother or whatever it is I'm still going to do it regardless and then the more that I do that the more confidence I build because I'm like oh I did it that time and that time and that time so if you're struggling with self-esteem and not feeling good about yourself pay attention to the thoughts that are going to get you to where you want to be pay attention to the thoughts that tell you can do it and make sure that you're showing up for yourself

showing up in line with the version of yourself that you want to be not in line with the version of yourself that you're trying to escape from that yes yeah i think that was amazing i had it deserved a clap i was like soaking it all in it was like an off the i didn't even know i was doing it but it was just no that was amazing and um thank you so much thank you so much it's been such a pleasure we're so grateful for you coming on i think everyone listening will be it was so insightful for us like i zoned out i know i was like wow is there like tips and tricks that you have on your instagram and stuff like that that our listeners can go and like look at and yeah even little quotes that people read

like things like that really help could you share your say your instagram and we'll obviously put it in the link for you guys to check it out sure it's at my easy therapy yeah okay guys yeah easy keep it light keep it light so we'll put that in the link and we'll obviously share it on the day for you guys if you want to go and check it out and follow. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming on.

Before we go, we've got to rate the wine. Oh, yeah. Oh. I really enjoyed this. I finished my glass. But I can't keep, I keep giving everything like a 7.5 rating. I know.

And it's so boring. I know. I feel like we can't rate it anymore. Because, right, because it's Christmas, I'm going to be drinking loads of red wine. I'm going to give it a 7.5 I know and it's so boring I know I feel like we can't rate it anymore because right because it's Christmas I'm going to be drinking loads of red wine I'm going to give it a 6 I know that's harsh

I wasn't mad about it but I feel quite hungover today so I had a hair with the dog situation going on I'm going to give it a 10 out of 10 because

because it's wine and it's Friday and it's the afternoon and I'm in a good mood we deserve it we deserve it lovely lovely thank you so much bye guys love you I'm a good man. We deserve it. We deserve it. Lovely, lovely stuff. Thank you so much.

Bye, guys. Love you. Bye. guaranteed to hit by 11 p.m. with your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Daily Jackpots, a chance to win with every spin and a guaranteed winner by 11 p.m. every day. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca.

Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires play by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 p.m. Eastern. Research and supply. See full terms at canada.casino.fandu.com. Please play responsibly. That's it for this week Wednesdays, but God, don't you just fancy some more, Melissa? Yeah, I'd really love a follow up to some of those dilemmas. I want to know what happens. Well then, tinies, we have got some news for you. We have launched a premium version of wednesdays now listen subscribers get access to the podcast ad free with bonus episodes it's pretty amazing it's also

packed full of dilemma follow-ups which we love and some of our more personal stories and recommendations and it's super easy you just listen on your favorite app how cool is that amazing and all the info is in the episode description and in our insta bio