Weekly Skews - Skews 3/08/22 – Keepin’ Up with Crazy

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

Lot of conservative craziness tonight, as they continue their classroom crusades against…well, just about everything. Also Trump has some interesting/hilariously stupid thoughts on Ukraine, and.much more!Support the show

Hey there, everybody. Welcome back. Happy Skews Day to you. It is March 8th, 2022. I'm Trey Crowder, and that's Mark Aegee. What's up, Mark? What's up, Trey? My wife's out of town, so I've gone feral.

That's fun. Always a good time. You got pants on? Basketball shorts, buddy. Nobody's got to know. Yeah. Work from a home. Oh. Yeah, right. That's the beauty of it.

By the way, if everybody doesn't stop trying to convince everyone to voluntarily not work from home, I'm going to fucking lose it. It was just like, there's been all this chat, like Joe Biden, like gas prices are through the roof and he's insane week. It's like, we all got to go back to the office. It's like, how about we don't? How about we keep traffic? I don't know if you saw it. I didn't know this was going to come up so I don't have like the pictures handy for Matt or anything. But I saw a thing that was getting passed around from some, some like corporation. like an office job in like Chicago or somewhere like that that had all these like posters made for their employees coming back to work in the office for the first time in forever right when you walk in the office they got these posters and it was stuff like do you

miss your sweatpants yet and I bet your dog misses you right now and it was just like just rubbing their face in it like you just we want the first thing you feel when you come back in the office to be extreme resentment toward us and what we are making your life be right now. Like that's how we can up productivity is by making everyone feel even worse than they already do about being back here. It's crazy. Look, not everybody can't work from home, right? I understand that's a huge luxury to be able to do that. For me personally, it allows me to spend more, I can work all day with pet my dog and kiss my wife and not have to commute. And awesome um oh look at that matt found them right there god what assholes but like just talking about

traffic the people who do have to go to the i still have to go to office or go to a place where they work or factory or a store or whatever think how much better it is for them that i'm not in traffic in front of them for sure but like the idea that like the mayor of new york said some really dumb shit he's basically like i understand when he's talking about the tax base and how like Manhattan's a ghost town because nobody lives in, you know, in midtown Manhattan. It's just like lunch places and coffee places and that people have to work there. Absolutely. But like when the middle of Detroit got hollowed out by shipping auto jobs overseas, the government yelled at everyone to learn how to code, right?

Right. But in other, in capitalism does it to most other industries, it's like creative destruction. We all got to learn how to live with it. It's progress. It's a new time. right that I enforce stuff that would allow people to transition to new lives well to get well the economy just stuff like universal basic income a better social safety net child care government run health care that's free to point of service these politicians are not fucking for

that and they're doing this all to protect commercial real estate and all our major cities in the middle of a housing crisis converts them that commercial real estate into places to live you're solving two problems at once and the middle midtown Manhattan will have have businesses again and it's just like the one it drove me crazy there was like a law firm in Houston that announced they're bringing everybody back to the office because their clients are all oil companies and they want to help support their clients you're talking about like driving like we need more people out on the road because we work big oil and gas you work for exon transparency yeah you work for Exxon which means they pay you but now you're making your employees

who don't get profit sharing, pay Exxon. So Xon has more money to pay. Oh, buddy, they would bring back the company stow tomorrow if they could, you know, where you just get company credit. Walmart does that sometimes, right? You get like they'll pay at least part of it, part of people's salary and like a Walmart card so they, you know, buy their shit at Walmart. I mean, Amazon's trying versions of that.

And like, I mean, it's well, to all Tennessee Henry Ford at this point, right? Yeah. I sold to the company like another day. tons, yeah. What do you get? Another day older and deeper in depth. Saint Peter, don't you call me? Because I can go.

I owe my soul to the company stole. Yeah, yeah. Do do, do, do, do, do, do. Yeah, it sounds a banger. Classic ditty about being a wage slave. Yeah. Anyway, quality of life, like,

thinking drives me crazy. I saw a study years ago that nothing correlates to general happiness and health more than like a short commute. Yeah, I bet. because it's like you get less back pain from sitting in your car, more time to exercise, spend with your family, walk your dog, cook your meals. There's no commute shorter than no commute. I fucking love it.

The thing you, oh, God, anyway. So a lot of these companies, they had, like, record years and stuff. Like, it's not, like, I remember when I worked my office job, when I was getting started in comedy, we've talked about before. It was for the U.S. Department of Energy. And I remember back then every now and then somebody would bring up the idea of maybe working from home, maybe a couple days a week. And dude, that management never wanted to hear a word of it.

It was always like, you know, it was that same thing where it's like talking about giving poor people more money. Like, why is you could spend it on drugs? Like, they just don't have any trust in people at all because it was just like, we know what you'll do if you weren't from home. You'll just sit there and eat cereal, play with your wiener all day and you won't do your job. But then they've been working from home for two years. And, you know, the Oak Ridge National Laboratory didn't explode or nothing like everything. think they're still trucking along pretty good, and now they're going to let people continue to work from home.

So, you know, obviously not all that bad, but some places are not going to go along with that because they just can't stomach the idea of people being more, you know, content with their lives. You got a bunch of people, I've reached people's money mixed up in commercial real estate, but also, like, there's a whole class of middle manager types whose whole job was to walk around the office and saying stuff like working hard or hardly working, and they got nothing to do. do. Yeah. Lumberg.

And we're really nervous. Lumberg from office space. Yeah. Bill Lumberg is the word of nervous that people are going to realize they don't do shit. So it's like, I do my job. I know what I did to do. I get it done in my own time and it's fucking fine. And I've heard people talk about this.

I think we talked about it on a long ago episode, but like the idea of like, oh, you know, they're just going to start exploiting this as soon as they can. Like, yeah, now that they let people work from home, they're going to be, you know, outsourcing this work to people who live. in places where it start cheap so they can pay people less to do the same job and whatever and they'll figure out ways to screw people over and it's like well what do you know what like what are we supposed to do just like just give up like we should try for things that improve upon the current situation and then if they screw everybody over which they probably will what else is new you know

yeah they're just like well people are more productive in office it's like yeah but like productivity becomes like if the company isn't dumping a shit ton of money into an office size hole in the ground so we can all pretend that doing spreadsheets in the same room with other people is a good use of our time then we can all be less for you can take a two hour lunch company still makes more money I don't fucking understand the people drive me nuts I did want to ask you about one thing that was in our outline that we may or may not get to because it affects me personally you put something in there about Hertz rental car It's like getting people arrested for theft or something because I want, because I travel a lot. We've rented a lot of cars. I'm certain we have used Hertz on multiple occasions. You tell me there's a warrant out for my arrest in Appleton, Wisconsin right now or something like that. Yeah, the literal headline on the story is if you've rented a car from Hertz, there could be a warrant out for your arrest.

Sweet. So what Hertz was doing, speaking of people being super productive at the office, if Hertz misplaced your paperwork or, forgot to put an entry that you extended your rental or just like put some one employee parked your car in the wrong numbered spot and another employee couldn't find it they would just fucking report it stolen to the tune of like almost 4,000 people a year they were filing reports on it this all this all came out because there's a class action suit followed on a bunch of people whose lives got fucking ruined by being arrested for stealing rental cars they had paid for renting and taken back um

The guy, Hertz is apparently so infamous for this that a couple of police departments stopped taking reports from them because it's like, look, look around your lot. Did you check the back corner, motherfucker? Because that's where it was last time. Okay. Yeah. So, I know once I went I was in college, I loan my, I was a freshman year of college, I loaned my truck to my buddy to go make a beer on my buddy with a fake ID. Everybody had one of those, right? And he took it back.

The weekends you could part behind the dorm, but he took it. back to the student lot as a favor to me i woke up the next morning hung over truck wasn't in a lot behind a thing i reported it stolen to the campus police now when i told when i went and told them they're like did you look for it and i was like yeah they got like did you check the student a lot and go like i wouldn't all need to it was behind the dorm and they go are you sure is behind the door because you because you drunk fucking college kids yeah report your car stolen all the time we find them in the lot like nope nope it was definitely stolen anyway fast forward to two hours later like it's in the lot so yeah yeah they actually went and looked and found it for you yeah they did probably just out

of spite because they were just like we're going to show this little dumb ass like you know what i just drove straight to the lot stopped for donuts that's why it took even two hours just went straight there just like yep there we go yeah yeah so it uh hurts a funny thing that this this not came out because of the lawsuit like it said so hurts tried to keep the numbers they tried to say that how many police reports they were following a year was sensitive like corporate information they didn't want their competitors to have, which is really funny. The judge is like, nah, it's not, it doesn't matter if dollar rent a car knows how many cars your fake reporting stolen every year, fuck off that bullshit.

So anyway, like this one woman spent like a year in jail for a car that she hadn't stolen. Another guy like lost his job and he was going to run for office, but then couldn't because it's a felon. Like they, they fucked up a lot of people's shit, man. That's crazy. Like at 4,000 a year, anyway, they'll not be getting my business. Mark, I could tell you that much right now, you know? Yeah.

I'll go down there to thrifty. That's what I'll do. I don't know what this accent or voice is I'm doing. It just seems like the type of person who would make statements like that. Anyway, let's get into it. With us as always is producer Matt. This is weekly skews. A couple quick reminders for everybody.

First, if you're vaccinated, want to see me live. You can go to well-read comedy.com. I had a great show in Knoxville this past weekend. We got some really fun ones coming up in April. So come and see us, please. And the second thing I want to remind you about is me, Matt, and Mark. We have started a skews Patreon. For those of you who just cannot get enough, we sure do appreciate you.

You go to weekly skews.com slash more or just look me up on Patreon, however you want to do it, and sign up for that extra skews content. We've done two bonus episodes. So far, we're doing another bonus episode this week on the pretty cozy relationship many Republican congresspeople have with white national. Nazis, people who think Jews are on the moon, running the world, those type of guys. Yeah, they like to play golf together. In particular, we're going to look at Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar and how everybody just seems to be kind of okay with that thing.

So that's this week's Patreon episode. Consider hollering at us on there. We would appreciate it. All right. As for the show tonight, as war rages on in Ukraine, American conservatives are keeping up their own crusade in our country's classrooms. And that's a fight which, much like our school kids, if Republicans have their way, just keeps getting dumber and dumber. And we've got a lot more fun stuff for you, too, on the skews tonight.

But let's go ahead and get started with the Daily Dumbass. Matt, graphic, please. Tonight's D.D., Joe Diffy, may he rest in peace, for not having a more concrete and memorable foreign policy platform. That's right. I'm here from Madison Cawthorne. right now. Mr. Speaker, when the United States military shows up, kings and kingdoms fall to their knees. As a great philosopher, Toby Keith once said, we put a boot in their ass.

It's the American way. Our military preeminence is unmatched. Mark, I would say to Congressman Cawthorne, in the words of esteemed thought leader, Nelly, you ain't from Russia, so bitch-waggy Russian, okay? Just pump the brakes. Bump the brakes on all this war machine talk, all right, slow down a little bit. But, yeah, I can't believe this guy's being a little irrational and extreme. I don't know when we went from American troops are tough to American troops or pussies in the right wing, but apparently pretty quick.

And the, like, there was like when Russia invaded, there was a bunch of triumphalism on the right about how, like, oh, the woke Ukrainian American military industrial complex is not that your ass kicked by the Russians because they don't have pronouns in their bio. That was, yeah, I was just in Knoxville, the mayor of Knox County, who is famed, mute, demonic pro wrestler Kane. Yeah. He's mayor Kane now. He tweeted, like, anybody on the woke surprised about Putin, yeah, open your eyes, might makes right, this is what happens. Putin don't care about your pronouns and all this stuff. And it's like, what the fuck are you talking about right now? these guys first of all they they don't even understand what why the american military is so

fucking terrifying right like the russia invaded a country it borders and their trucks are running out of gas after like 25 miles and their tires are all flat the point ukrainian the tractor uh do farmers are dragging trucks away on the tractors clowning up right now think about that in comparison to the u.s military which for right For right or wrong, I think it was a bad idea. It was able to fly a bunch of vehicles to Afghanistan, which is however many tens of thousands of miles away, keep them fueled up, never ran out of stuff, keep the troops fed, keep their payroll going.

It's like it's logistics that make them fucking terrifying. When other countries look at us, their ability to do that, it's absolutely amazing and awe-inspiring, right, in a bad way. China has one aircraft carrier, I think. Like, they literally could not invade us, even if we dismantled our entire. military tomorrow trying to want to invade us they'd be doing it with like cruise ships and stuff they don't have the stuff to get here all right let's wait like all that old canard that like amateur study tactics uh professional study logistics right there's old military expression

in america uh it's not because the pronouns of the person driving the huge airplane that can haul 40 tanks that has no bearing oh how afraid people are of us And all these people are fucking idiots, and they don't even have any idea what they're talking about. And I just think it's a pretty weird. So, like, seriously, I didn't even, so the argument is that because we're woke, we are pussies, which means we couldn't win a war. And Russia, they're not woke. So they're badass and we'll win a war.

And that, that's pretty much what it comes down to. Yeah, our military all college boys. Got it. I mean, remember last year when, uh, a dumbass Florida Congress, Matt Gates was a, got in a fight with a chairman of the joint chiefs and basically called him a pussy because he'd read books on white supremacy. Yeah. And it's like, okay, like it's like, yeah, I don't know, I don't know, man.

I guess, I guess, you know what, let's agree with them. The entire U.S. military is terrible and we should cut their funding. Yeah. Spend it on medicine. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, Cawthorne's not the only one with a novel take on the situation. Our first honorable mention here is Lindsey Graham, who had an idea that no one on earth has ever had or thought before until he became the first person to bravely say it. Let's hear it right here, Matt.

How does this end? Somebody in Russia has to step up to the plate. Is there Brutus in Russia? Is there a more successful, Colonel Stoffenberg, in the Russian military? The only way this shit ends, my friend, is for somebody in Russia to take this guy out. You would be doing your country a great service and the world of great service. Okay. So he's advocating for somebody to assassinate Putin, right?

That July, July 1944 plot where they tried to assassinate Hitler, you'll get different reads on the motivations of that, but Hitler was a bad military commander. For whatever reason, Americans choose, like, just looking to do with Robert Lee and just think of him as a military genius, because obviously otherwise, how could he arise to where he was? But, like, they were trying to kill Hitler a lot of them because they wanted to win the war, not because they thought the war was bad. Right. And Hitler was an impediment. They were like, we need a better Hitler, man. Yeah.

Like, we got to take Hitler house and we can get like super Hitler in there. Then we can really start going off. Yeah. So in this context, I guess what he wants is for someone to assassinate Putin. and install someone who will launch the nukes. Anyway, don't go on TV as a legislator for democracy and advocate for assassinating other heads of state. Right.

Just a general rule of thumb. Yeah. But I also, I just think it's funny thinking that like any of the sort of, you know, the people, the would-be usurpers in Russia that are hating how this is going, that they're looking around like, dude, this is fucking terrible. He's running us into the ground. What are we going to do? and then somebody's like, well, did you see what Lindsey Graham said?

Like, listen, I know it sounds crazy, but he was saying somebody should just kill him and then it'll be dead and it won't be a problem anymore. And they're all just, it's like when people tell, tell me I should, you know, host Saturday Night Live or something. You know what I mean? Have you thought about doing that? Maybe do that. It's like, damn, you're right. I should do that. I never thought about that before.

But I don't think that, you know, Lindsay Graham suggesting it is the reason that it hasn't been done. yet, but in addition to the fact that it's very stupid, yeah, he ought not be publicly advocating for executions and what I'll advocate for it. I wish somebody in the Russia would kill Putin. Sure, of course. Me too. I am not in the, I am not a CIA shill, nor am I, you know, in fucking in government. But like, you're operating a Russian information environment where they deeply suspect everybody

is on the CIA payroll. And any movement against Putin would be called a CIA front. It is not exactly helpful to have an American official on TV recorded telling the Russian military or politicians to move against Vladimir Putin. It's the definition of not fucking helping. Yeah. You know what else is the definition of not fucking helping? What Marco Rubio did in a Zoom call where he shared an image of Ukrainian president Zelenskyy, which, you know, he really ought not done.

He faced a little backlash for that. Well, it was weird. Yeah, of course so. But not to hear Marco Rubio tell it. Mark, listen, he's got a full-on defense for it, prepared and ready to go. He was simply misunderstood. That's all it was. You want to hear the reason Marco Rubio committed this intelligence gaff here.

Then let's hear it from the man himself if you've got the clip ready, Matt. You tweeted a photo of Zelensky during the virtual meeting. Democratic Congressman Dean Phillips said that the Ukrainian ambassador had explicitly asked lawmakers not to share anything on social media until after the meeting ended just for Zelensky's security. Is that true? Was it a mistake for you to tweet that picture? Well, first of all, she asked that like 30 minutes into the call after I had already done it. The second is I think she's under the impression that no one knew that call was happening. you know that call had been widely reported actually the specific time had been reported there were over 300 people on it all the call details had been emailed so it was nothing secure about that it's not first of all i seriously doubt that he's scared as his linsky's people are that they waited half an hour into this call to uh announce that you shouldn't post the picture and also he's being really obtuse right there and i think the sure the guy sits in the senate intelligence committee as it would understand this better so he's fucking you can also you can in fucking lying, because it's not that the call took place.

The Russia, Zelensky's been doing Zoom calls, Russia, too. They might recognize the fucking location. Right. That's what the picture has. There's also, like, lots of stuff you can do with pictures that I'm not smart enough to do, but a lot of, even like, are you familiar with Bellingcat, correct? No. Bellingcat?

No, I don't think so. Bellingcat builds itself as, like, a publicly sourced intelligence operation fighting against Russia. They operate out of the UK. A lot of people say they're cutouts for American and British intelligence, the MF5 and the CIA, the same way like WikiLeaks kind of was for Russia.

It doesn't matter. The point is they show their work. And they've done stuff like they're the ones who prove that it was actually Russian soldiers in Crimea in 2014. And they did this by searching Russia's social media and fighting selfies that Russian special forces

had posted. They were also able to track Russian two troop movements through social media and geolocate it by making physical references to picture maps. There's lots of stuff you can do that doesn't even count the metadata and all the stuff embedded in computer transmissions

that, like, this is a situation where like literally Russian special forces and Russian mercenaries working with the Wagner group are wandering around Kiev looking to assassinate the entire presidential line of succession for Ukraine. So even if you think they're

fears are a little overblown, Mark of Rubio? It's not your fucking ass in the line. Just shut the fuck up and don't clout chase with your dumb pictures showing how important you are on a meeting with the president. Are you correct? I feel like most people on the internet, if they've been paying attention at all, know that, you know, it's been blasted all over the place not to, like, share or post anything that involves any sort of, like, Ukrainian military, like, no kind of social media

posts showing Ukrainian soldiers doing something rad or whatever, right, but where you can tell anything about where they're at or what's going. going on, you know, like for this exact reason, because they're definitely watching every bit of it all the time, you know. Yeah. That's their whole deal, man. Do you remember that cyber? They're even better at cyber than Baron Trump is.

I've heard some people say Russia is. Do you remember when that Russian expat got poisoned to death, assassinated on British soil? Yes. It was it was Belling Captain solved that one, too. And what they did was they took pictures from Bruce, uh, uh, close CCTV, you know, the security cameras. And they, they searched the Russian internet. they found the main military academy

where GRU operatives go and they searched yearbooks through that and they were able to backtrack and they went through Facebook groups and found like this is like there's stuff you can do on the internet even without capabilities of state intelligence they would easily reveal people's locations

using stuff like pictures. Yeah, that's wild. I couldn't contribute nothing to that whole endeavor. I'd just be standing there over somebody's shoulder like enhance. Yeah. Click, click, enhance. That's how this works, right? That's all I know about it.

Yeah. Let's see. He's not, Rubio's not the only one acting up in the Zoom calls. You've also got Rick Scott, who was personally reprimanded. At one point, this is a tweet from Halen Rap Report. At one point during his emotional presentations, Zelensky paused to ask one of the American lawmakers to mute themselves. Senator Rick Scott, please mute your mic, he said. I was on a Zoom, on a.

conference call once where somebody forgot to mute themselves and you heard a toilet flush. Our Congress is doing this during war. Right. With the president of Ukraine specifically, you know what I mean? It's not like some lower level intelligence briefing type of thing, which would still be shenny, but it's Zelensky himself. And yeah, like you said, Rick Scott's like taking a piss or can't get a dog to calm down or whatever's going on.

As a guy who writes, this is a weird thing we're going to say as a guy who writes dick jokes for a living, but we're not a serious fucking country. And I find it, it's like, like there were, there were congressmen suggesting last night on various shows that we, instead in lieu of a no-fly zone, which, by way, is a terrible idea that there's no way to enforce no-fly zone without, um, NATO planes, including U.S. jets shooting down Russian Air Force, which is not, right? The whole no-fly zone, like, Zelensky, I get why he has to ask for it. He had, I get that, you know, but like a no-fly zone, that's literally just starting war, right?

Because the only way to enforce a no-fly zone is to, like you just said, shoot their asses down, which would be us or NATO joining the war formally at that point. Well, Zelensky knows we're not going to know. He's not going to know he's not going to know-fly zone. He asks for no-fly zone, so then when he follows up, we'll at least give us fighter joins. Yeah. Yeah, it's a compromise position. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, but like, there were people. Congressman suggesting that we in Louisville No Fly Zone we use

a countrywide EMP weapons to knock rushing jets out of the sky which is electromagnetic pulse to like like if you don't know electromagnetic pulse is like it stops electronics from working. Right. The technology does not exist. Yeah. Yeah.

This is not a moral movie that pitch that. Yeah. Y'all know that you know that device from the documentary Batman begins where it vaporizes the entire area is water supply in an instant. Yeah. Well, have we thought about sending one of those over there? Surely we got somebody roll one of those out, something like that, or perhaps really big laser

beams. Anybody looking at the laser beams? Can we start teleporting soldiers in and out, something like that, some kind of rift we could open up to send supplies in and out of? Are we talking about any of this stuff? Maybe we can do airstrikes with our cloaking shields, right? That way they won't see the Russian jets. But like there is, when I said that we don't have the technology to do That's not totally true. The one we can do that is by detonating an atmospheric nuke. Right. Nuclear bombs put off EMPs.

It's like a side effect of a nuke, right? Yeah. So, yeah, don't do that either. No, less than ideal. Yeah. But, of course, they're big guy. They're number one, orange daddy. He's got his thoughts on it, too, which he's only sharing with one man, one man alone.

Famed drunken golf pro, John Daly. Hit it, Matt. praise them to you know he was a friend of mine i got a long grade with him i say black if you're doing we're hitting moscow i said we're gonna hit moscow and he sort of believed me like 5% 10% that's all you need he never did it during my time john you know no no it's funny You, that'll be next. Yeah. Yeah, you can cut him back.

John Daly, I love his, like, attitude during the whole thing, too. It's funny. It's like the former president talking to him about, like, you know, surely classified discussions or whatever. Like, highly, you know, high security level, high security clearance level information. This guy's just giving him. John Daly's just sitting there sipping on his whiskey. Just like, yep. Yeah, no, I know.

I know. It's wild. It's some shit now. Yep. Yep. You got me talking to my ma'ma sometimes when she's like rambling on about, you know, whatever the neighbor's up to her, whatever. I'm just on there like, yeah, I know.

I know. She's crazy. I know. He's annoying a loser guy who drank himself out of professional golf who's sitting there sipping on whiskey, eating cheese. He's got him on speaker phone so he can like listen to this fucking dumb ass. Like if you were like show, what's talking about this is not being a serious country. If you want to like show a cartoonish mold.

moment the historians will look to the decline of a once sort of great nation this is pretty perfect even uh daily social media guy they were talking about presidency but they transcribed as s h e so they maybe that's a level of effort to win into everything around this including trump's presidency and uh yeah so trump trump has been sharing a lot of thoughts lately since this is you said so two weeks ago we thought Putin was a savvy genius and it was smart to invade but he realized that doesn't look too great now. So now he's saying, of course, what he was telling daily was at Trump,

Putin never would have fucked with Ukraine when he was president. But he pitched this idea. Trump mused to donors that we should take our F-22 planes, put the Chinese flag on them, and bomb the shit out of Russia, and then say China did it. We didn't do it. China did it.

And then they will start fighting with each other and we sit back and watch. Now, a quick Google image search will reveal that Chinese planes don't have flags on them. But that's not really even. the point because I don't even know that's about playing straight, but they fly too high for you to see the flags.

Pretty high, yeah. That's not how you tell whether an enemy jet is, whether an enemy jet's problem. It's probably something more at high level, like radar signature or like with a transponder section. Well, check this out, Mark. We send in tanks too, right? But we put

really big mustaches on the front of it. Like a Groucho Marx mask, but for a tank. So they'll be like we have no way of knowing what country that tank come from he's clearly wearing a very elaborate disguise that tank is and so who are they going to blame for it probably china but whoever not us not our problem this is outside the box thinking man that's what we got here what if we send joe biden himself

would put a pair of glasses on him and no one don't know he's the clark camp superman situation or i mean there's like tons of like but this is the perfect trump plan because like l trump plans it involves doing a stupid frog than just getting away with it. Yeah, right. That's so true. Everyone's ideas. What if we just lied?

We just lied in a crazy way that everyone will see through, but then we'll just get away with it. I was like the idea that you have to pitch the American military on doing a false flag attack that people behind you, remember the main, the Gulf of Tonkin,

Iraq is WMD. It's like, you don't have to They thought of this. I probably dropped already. Yeah, because he's basically been like, is there a way we could like attack them, but in secret? You know,

and not the DOD and CIA and just everybody. They're like, holy shit, we should look into that. That would be great if we could do that and they didn't know. Oh, damn. We'd get somebody on top of that. Top men working on these plots.

Yeah. No, he's a dips shit. All right. Our last honorable mention. here for daily dumbass Russia for a bunch of reasons but in particular for not being prepared for Ukraine's

special witch forces. Now, go ahead. Before you play this, Trey, I've trained, like this video is one speaking Ukrainian. If you do a better accents than me, the translations right here, I feel like you should do the voiceover for this video to get the full of it.

Okay, well, we can, yeah, the video's in Ukrainian. Yeah. It's, so you're not going to be able to understand it, but I will translate it for you. Just play. a little bit of it, Matt, just so everybody could see it. You don't have to play the whole thing, and then I'll translate what they said.

This is a Russian soldier. You'll no longer be able to get your dick to stand. Yeah. Apparently they're known for their witches around there and kind of top. And these guys letting their nose like, you shouldn't have fucked. You shouldn't have fucked with which county. Which county, Ukraine, buddy, you're going to get cursed, get your balls, cursed, get your butthole curse, get all that cursed if you don't get out of here right now.

But apparently, Mark, and I don't have the specifics of it, but that's like, that's a literary reference, apparently. Did you see that? It's like a famous book or novel or something like that set in that place, Kona Top, that has to do with witches and whatnot. So it's like a big part of their whole thing. Ukrainian rap genius to explain their disses at this point. But I will, you got to remember when this woman, she's threatened the gypsy witch attack. This is a part of the world where the Roma people, aka gypsies, are still really persecuted against. Yeah.

So they've gone from hiding to being like, we're fucking gypsies. We're out to get you, baby. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Yeah, buddy. All right. Let's get into it.

Mark, let's talk about the conservative's big classroom content crusade. We, I think, mentioned at least at some point about Florida's big don't say gay bill. Well, it has passed the Florida Congress. So what's going on there? So basically this law outlaw is. K through 12 essentially, I think mentioning any non-heterosexual sexuality in the classroom. And you're also, I think, obligated to turn in any of your kids who come out to you. This is not good for a lot of reasons, but it's also just deeply hypocritical and weird and it won't work.

They're deputizing. It basically gives parents the right to sue teachers who mention. So, like, say a teacher's gay. kid sees a picture of a person with their partner and they say who's that you got your arm around and they got to be like it's like it's 1956 it's my roommate Steve right I didn't even think about that but yeah you're right like they got a lie now yeah that's my that's my roommate or whatever because they could get sued for bringing up gay stuff in class yeah it's pretty yeah pretty ridiculous um it's also just very typical that

them, it's sort of just like, you know what's best to do about this thing that makes us uncomfortable is let's just try to convince ourselves it isn't real. Like if no one, if no one ever talks about it, if we make it illegal for them to talk about it, well, now it won't be real anymore after that, and we can all just stop worrying about it and go back to church or whatever. The guy who wrote the bill, his name is a state senator, uh, uh, uh, Jack Randas, uh, does a sentence. sponsor. The guy who wrote the bill is a state center, Jeff Brandis. No, wait, sorry. I'm the wrong

guy. You're right. Brachsley. He said a bunch of dumb shit during the debate about the bill yesterday. It was kind of revelatory because his big beef, why he said he wrote the bill was that more and more kids are identifying as, it's somewhere on the LBGT used, you know, LBG, all the letters. Yeah, sorry. The, uh, on the spectrum. And therefore, it's because of a fad and therefore they want to get kids to stop talking about it essentially because if you stop talking about it, it'll stop being cool and therefore less kids will become gay or say they're gay. But it's like, look, it's been a while since I was in high school, but I seriously doubt

kids are pretending to be by for clout. But even if they are, if there's some kid watched euphoria and thought it was cool to like brand is by, what does that, why is it a fucking state issue? also it's like you know one way to really shut a fad down or to change kids opinions on what's cool or not is to disallow it or make it illegal have authority figures tell them that it's wrong that'll that'll really turn them in the other direction in terms of what they think is cool you know what i'm saying there was no faster way to make sure any given fat what obviously it's completely fucking ridiculous to imply that kids being gay is a fad but i'm saying

like, as you said, even if that were the case, which is decidedly not, trying to ban it is not going to, you know, help anyway. So it's just, it's stupid from all directions. Like, it's horseshit. Anybody that's got a grandparent that was a left-handed knows that the teachers made it right with the right, they had to learn to write with the right hand, right? And if you look at a graph of people identifying as left-handed, it goes from zero like 1900 to like 12% real fast in like 1940. And then stayed at 12% ever since then. So if they're doing it is they're looking in charts of more and more kids identifying as gay or bi or trans, they're ramping up as a society becomes less mean to them.

And instead of being like, oh, I guess they were gay or biotrans the whole time. What they're saying is it's ramping up specifically because society is being less mean to them. So therefore, we need to start being more mean to them. Yeah, you literally used to weren't allowed to be gay in this country, which is like what they're like, yeah. And they're like, yeah. And that was great. everybody was happy then things were good everybody was white and rich and it was the 50s and whatever but like yeah of course there were fewer people who were known to be homosexual in the past it was way more dangerous in every way then it's still dangerous now but that's why it's so it's why it's such a

terrible idea to move in any capacity back in that direction which is that's sort of their whole deal let's turn back back was good let's go there the opponents of the bill were making the point that like in more inclusive environments less gay kids kill themselves so this is you're literally trying to get gay kids to kill themselves and that fell on death ears but another part of this thing that's hypocritical is like uh baxley was essentially saying that like if my kid comes home and says i think i might be by because of a lesson he was taught at school I don't want to deal with that. Which is funny because these are the whole group of people who says,

I don't want schools parenting my children. I want to parent my children. And he's saying, I don't want to, can you please parent my child? I don't want to fucking deal with this shit. You make my kid straight. And you're going to force me to parent my child. God damn it. And we can't have that.

You know, so it's like, how about no one parent my child is what a lot of them. And with many topics in general areas of parenting, that's literally exactly what they want. They just want it to not ever come up, ever. Like they'll just become adults and eventually die without ever learning about, I don't know, racism and gay people and whatever else they've added to the list.

You know, buttholes are probably on there. If they're not now, it will be soon. The, uh, these, like, so DeSantis's, uh, spokeswoman, uh, hateful dumb ass by the name of Christina Pushall, uh, went on Twitter. and called it, so it's not a don't, it was opponents that called it the don't say gay bill, right, to brand it, just like Republicans that Obama cared or like, whatever, to make it go a bad taste in their mouth about it.

She's one on Twitter says, it's not a don't say gay bill. It's an anti-grooming bill. Anyone opposed to the bill is, quote, probably a groomer. What she's doing is like going back to the old stereotype that all gay people are sexual creditors. The idea of being like if a kid goes to his teacher and is like, hey, I'm struggling because I can't not have talked to my parents about this, but I think I might be gay.

If the teacher just says something like, well, I happen to be gay and it turned out, and I was, I turned out fine. They can't, the idea is that that's a crime and they're only doing that because they want to have sex with the kid. It's like, I never, I will never be to wrap my mind around how dark and evil they think the world is. I know. It's just. And then they do everything to perpetuate that, you know, to actively make it more dark and evil. Because it's like, they just can't grasp the concept. It's basically just like, no, it's not because anybody wants to fuck these kids.

It's because we just want to be nice to them. We don't want them to kill themselves. We don't want them to hate or kill themselves because of how they are. And that's it. Like, we just want them to be treated like people, you know, and they're like, no, no, something else is going on here. That doesn't, nobody cares about other people. That's bullshit. you got to be up to something my wife grew up in florida as a theater kid and she has used to

she taught theater camp uh was a you know uh was a counselor to theater camp for a while and she always has a story it's like she had like a eight year old kid in a musical theater and he would come to camp and it wearing his mother's sequin belt and she's like if you think people aren't born gay right you should have to go to theater camp it's like the i don't know what these people are fucking insane and i was it gross to like like insinuate everybody who's gay as some sort of predator when it's just like the one one thing that was funny that came out of it was that state senator jeff brandis um he was actually ended up he was a Republican ended up voting against the bill because of a basic sense of fairness but fairness

in a really funny way because what he tried to do to alleviate the the concerns of opponents he would have broadened the legislation to prohibit all instruction of any sexual topics in an attempt to eliminate concerns the lg tbq advocates that the bill stigmatized members of the community. So basically, instead of, to alleviate your concerns about how we're not going to be outlaw talking about gay fucking, we're to not talk about all fucking, which is forget sex ed. How are you going to teach biology? Biology. I know. Like, that's the compromise they land on. It's like they literally, they're just, they're just going to keep going until there's nothing left that it's okay in their minds for children to be taught in school other than just like,

the wrong version of the Civil War, I guess, and like fucking fountainhead and stuff. I don't know. Like, I don't know what they're going to be okay with. I guess math will be okay for a while, but they're not super into math anyway. But I'm just saying they'd rather just get rid of any kind of sex, like you said, just biology, any kind of sexual education whatsoever than to acknowledge that gay kids are a thing. it's fucking wild I think if they get charged the curriculum

you say I would go you have start with hallroom slash weapons training first period is history 101 the civil war was started by Jews and then periods two through seven

will be police academy so that'll that'll be all schools yeah so students are already planning mass protest this isn't going to go the way they think but can I just say our dumb industry,

Disney has acquitted itself really gross here. Disney, of course, is a big presence in Florida, and they're still donating a ton of money to Republicans because it's about business. It's not about ideology. And they said, like, you know, we're not going to stop. This is their defense themselves. Like, we're not going to stop donating to all these candidates.

But what we'll do is make more inclusive content. Now, when conservatives complain about woke capitalism, I think they're correct to complain about it. The complaints are the wrong fucking direction. Because the idea that we'll still do evil, but we'll put a rainbow flag on it, is not the balanced thing you think it is. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to keep actively supporting these overtly homophobic and dangerous politicians.

But, you know, we're thinking about making snow white a lesbian. So sit down and shut the fuck up, okay? We got it covered. Yeah. That's fucking horse shit. I just assumed, I did that in one of my Patreon, my end of the same. individual Patreon things this week. I look at like what's going on in real time.

I don't know what I'm about to be reading on Twitter and I find it out and talk about it. And I saw the Disney thing. And my immediate assumption was that like they just donate to pretty much everybody to try to have, they try to have any given politician in their pocket because that's what you do is buy politicians and you can't not do that because then somebody else might buy them, you know. So it's like I'm not surprised any corporation. I'm never going to be surprised by them doing some evil shit. But for them to, like, then double down on it or try to swerve it or whatever by then saying,

we'll just make more gay stuff, okay? It'll be fine. Definitely ups the asshole factor for Disney. Yeah, we're going to donate the people who are trying to hurt you into camps, but we're going to get an extra season of House School Musical, the series. So there you go. It's not a done deal yet. It passed the Florida Congress, but that means it still has to be signed by the governor.

And who's the governor of Florida again? Remind me. Is he the type of guy to sign something like this? I can't remember. Yeah, I think he's precisely a big enough asshole to sign this. Because not only is he hypothetically mean to kids in this bill, he was interpersonally mean to kids just a couple days ago. Check out this video.

You do not have to wear those masks. I mean, please take it. Honestly, it's not doing anything. And we've got to stop with this COVID's theater. So if you want to wear it, fine. but this is ridiculous. All right. Like, who can't?

I bet the kids wear their fucking masks. I know, I know he says, I know he then at the, it's like if you want to wear it fine, but it's like, what happened? Personal freedom, man.

Like if you, like if someone wants to wear a mask, shouldn't that be their God-given right to do so? Like, if it's not, if he's not inside the bill, if that school hasn't mandated mask, which of course I would not have a problem with,

But if that was the case and he was like, this is all bullshit, I would fully expect that. But if any given college student just chooses to wear a mask, it's pretty goddamn big governmenty of you, in my opinion, to tell them, hey, take that shit off. Because I'm, you know, I'm the governor of Florida yelling at a 19-year-old community college for a student because I have power. But like the thing that, my takeaway from that is you're worried about him becoming president. I do not think he has the fuck. Like Trump would have done that, but it would have been funny. And it would have been delivered softer. right he knows how to be an asshole and he would have gotten a content and it would have been in a win it went viral and people would get me mad at trump for it but it would have seemed kind of lame but like the one thing mad grab this still frame this this fucking aid take out this dude's face this is the face of a whole political movement have you ever seen a more smackable face in your entire fucking life like somebody please go fuck this dude's wife that's just an aside um but yeah people did think this was funny um namely uh laura ingraham

uh she thought this was the best comedy bit she'd ever seen her life if you have that actually you don't have to play if you don't want i mean you've got it you haven't met yeah here we go no no raymond the best is ronda santis saying those kids get your masks off i love that people are all upset about ronda santis today take your mat you look ridiculous someone has to tell these kids to push away the you know all of the brainwashing that they've been subject to no no Dude, so these people are already insufferable, and I can't remember the specifics right now, but them pulling off that one bit they did that one time a few months ago, those two specifically. That's like the worst thing that's ever happened because they, like, they're so up their own ass now.

We've had so many clips since then of them just, just guffawing. They remind me of, like, people I used to work with in offices who were like, they're like, we like to have fun. and like everything they say they laugh at even though it's not actually a joke or anything be like you know i went to the grocery store and they didn't have any apples and they all laugh and you're just sitting there like what the fuck is happening right now and like they're all convinced that they're so funny that's exactly what is going on here and that's uh i can't i can't get with that at all when we're talking about like the the florida uh don't say gay bill like the funny thing to me it was like one thing conservatives are typically right about or liberty from the libertarian wing any Anyway, is when you make a law, it's going to have a bunch of unintended side of consequences, right? And I bet you don't say gay bill is going to have a bunch of weird shit. You're going to have a teacher who Bible thumps telling kids not to be gay and a kid's going to sue him and win because the law says he can't say that. And conservative isn't going to get mad about it, right? Like I was thinking about there was a case years ago where this Kansas billionaire married a much younger woman.

This woman happened to be a trans woman. his kids sued saying she was when he died saying she wasn't entitled to her inheritance because two men can't marry and she was born biologically male Kansas Supreme Court ruled in favor of them but that legal ruling had the effect of basically legalizing gay marriage for people who transition the other round all the way around so if you're bored a woman became a man you could now marry a man in a state of campus and the Kansas Supreme Court was like wait hold up hit him with that uno reverse card baby yeah draw four bitch So I would think about that. Like this is another case that people try to meddle in shit they don't fucking understand out of Idaho. And I want to just let's present this as a dumbass because I think a real dumbass here is this this this adult's kid for thinking his mom could speak at a school committee meeting and he still survive high school. Because I want you to hear this quote before we get into there the actual story is going up on a screen if you got it, Matt. This school does not teach our children how to do oral sex. The school does not need to teach our children how to do oral sex, she said.

That's my job. whew, we. That's just a good Christian lady right there, Mark. Hey, Joey, your mom sucks your dick. Hey. Imagine that. Imagine being the kid whose mom said, listen,

I'll teach him how to suck dick at the fucking school board meeting when you get back to class on Monday, bro. That is brutal right there. But at least this lady's backing it, like that thing we were saying earlier, it's like they don't want anybody to parent these kids. I mean, obviously she's like, no, I'll do it. Okay?

I will teach them to fucking work the balls, all right? I'm willing to accept that responsibility, okay? Because that's my job as a mother. So that's a story from Idaho where there was a hearing in front of a house committee where they're trying to basically make it so librarians could go to, could get jail time for handing out, quote unquote, harmful books. When we talk about unintended consequences, this librarian lady really hit for me. She stood up the meeting and said,

She had excerpts, his name is Aaron Kennedy, a librarian from Boise. She said, excerpts from books to be taken out of context. And to prove her point, she used, of course, a quote from the Bible, the book of Israel. This is from the Bible, which apparently a librarian in Idaho could go to jail for releasing, but a forgiven to a kid because it says, quote, there she lusted after her lovers whose generals were like those of donkeys and whose a mission was like those of horses.

So you long for the lewdness of your youth when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breast is fond, what you read. So there's your, here's your Bible porn for the day. That's pretty steamy, steamy donkey talk here. Steamy Bible donkey talk here on the shoes. Matt, look for some comments and stuff and throw them up there. Yeah, this lady, she's after me own heart here because I used to be that type of asshole. She wasn't been an asshole.

She's doing it in a perfect scenario. But I used to literally keep a list of like crazy Bible verses in my phone. so I could like, you know, be the atheist prick or whatever at the party or agnostic. Either way, just the non-believer, you know, dirtbag, who would be like, yeah, well, what do you got to say about this? And then hit them with something where, you know, the Lord said slavery was cool or whatever, that type of thing. So, yeah, I like where her heads at. Like this verse, I've heard it before, before those reasons. April Pope, man, April Popeman, everybody from Facebook.

says, oh, God, I live in Boise. We make the news again for the wrong reasons. Yeah, it'd be like that. I love y'all's potatoes, though. No, I've been to Boise. It's fucking beautiful. It's a great, great town, in my opinion. But a lot of the places that make the news for dipshit reasons, real pretty, you know.

Well, it would be beautiful country we got, just filled with assholes, you know. April, tell you the good news is tell your neighbors, if you don't even want to need some dick-sucket lessons, I know a lady. Yeah. Man. Have you been following Bob Trump's A.G. Bob Barr's book tour? Yeah, a little bit. Hang on.

Jen Ferguson and Facebook says, replying to Trey, Steamy Bible Donkey Talk. Steamy Bible Donkey Talk is a good band name. Yeah, it's not bad. I turned that into Donkey Tonk at the end, which is not a bad band name either, in my opinion. It's like some,

like a parody honky talk band. You know what I mean? Donkey Tonk? I can get into that. Anyway, I saw Barr was going on the Today Show for his first interviewing forever or whatever. And as soon as I saw that, I was like, oh, so he got a book coming out then. Yeah. And yeah, because that's how that goes.

Go ahead. I think I know the thing you're about to bring up, but go ahead. Well, he's doing the normal stuff saying, of course, he trumps a crazy lunatic. He did all he could have restrained him. Also, he'll definitely look for him again if it gets the nomination. Yeah. But the part that killed me was he counted a scene. in the Oval Office, where Trump went on and on about how saggy his jowls were

and how fat his face was, but he should not lose any weight because then his face would get even, his jowls would get even more saggy because his skin would be loose. Yeah, he was like, he was basically like, you're so fat right now that it keeps your skin tight because it ain't got nowhere else to go because of all the fat under there. So if you lose, and it's a great look for you. You're pulling it off. If you lose any weight, though, all those jails, they're going to go south. You're going to be sagging.

Not going to be good. Not going to be good, Bill. That's what the president of the United States at the time was telling you. Trump's the guy who thinks that you have a finite amount of energy in your life like a battery and exercise. I do want to say here as someone who's weight is yo-yote a lot and his adult life. That's not how skin works. If you lose weight, your skin will usually tighten up. And if it doesn't, you can, they've got creams and surgeries for that.

Also, like, how does he think? think Bill Russell is alive, you know? I just picked the first, like, ancient athlete I could think of. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Like anyone who everyone knows exercised a lot, who then becomes old, you would think that's all it would take for him to realize, oh, that's completely fucking ridiculous. But I don't know what I'm doing. I think the takeaway is that if Bill Russell hadn't played all that basketball tray, he'd live to be 250. Oh, right. I guess you're right. I didn't think about that. But yeah, he, he wild now, wild, the former president there, and perhaps, and future president. Who knows? Lord, I hope not. I wanted to, uh, this was suggested as a dumbass by a skewser named Nancy Frazier. Um, uh, it didn't strike me as funny that is gross, but I didn't want to share it because it's fucking ridiculous. And I'll read the headline first.

When I read the headline, I need you to know that what he actually said is worse than is this headline. Michigan GOP doesn't disavowl candidate who suggested rape victims, quote, lie back and enjoy it. This is a guy who's running in a special election for a state house district, and he's definitely going to win. Yeah, so he's about to win. He's a Republican running. Where was it? Wisconsin. Is that really?

Michigan. Michigan. And you heard what he said. The guy said, rape victims should just quote, lay back and enjoy it. And Mark said, it's actually even worse than it sounds. And you're thinking that cannot possibly be true. But it is true, isn't it, Mark? Because what was the full quote?

You're not going to fucking believe it. Having three daughters, and I tell my daughters, well, if rape is inevitable, you should lay back and enjoy it. What the fuck, man. Like, and the article's got, like, Michigan GOP, like state level GOP people, like condemning this dude. But not, but he's still, like, Mark's. he's probably going to win and then he'll be in office and then you know they'll be fucking voting the same way on everything and doing all that shit but like uh these people man it is wild wow wow truly fucking out there they be if you happen to live in michigan and you're when you go

to vote uh in a couple weeks or whatever and you want to know who not to vote for in the ballot this guy's name is robert r g i don't know if it's regan or regan spelled r e g a so what a fucking nightmare who tells his daughters. Yeah. All right. Well, we're about to get out of here. Remember, y'all like and subscribe and share and all those internet things you're supposed to do. I barely got it in under the wire this time. You've got to well-readcom. If you want to see me on tour. And

we have started a Patreon. You go to weekly skews.com slash more or just look for me on Patreon. And you'll find it. We got two bonus episodes up so far. We're doing another one this week about Arizona Congress from Paul Gossar and his ilk and how buddy-buddy they have gotten with literal white nationalist and how they don't seem to be too interested in hiding that fact from anybody. So it's going to be pretty wild. It would be a good time.

We've got plenty of other fun stuff in store as well. So, yeah, check us out on Patreon. Keep coming back. We'll keep coming back. We'll keep coming back. We love y'uns. And I guess that'll do it. Say you bye.

Let's do.