Weird Medicine: The Podcast - 446 - COVID Sniffing Dogs (with therbstudio.com)

Episode Date: March 7, 2021

The truly great Rob Bartlett (Don Imus Show, Elementary, Little Shop of Horrors) joins Dr Steve and Dr Scott for an hour of disease, pandemic, malaise and more! stuff.doctorsteve.com (for all your online shopping needs!) noom.doctorsteve.com (lose weight, gain you-know-what) Get Every Podcast on a Thumb Drive (all this can be yours!) roadie.doctorsteve.com OMG the coolest stringed instrument accessory EVER MADE) simplyherbals.net (for all your StressLess and FatigueReprieve needs!) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

If you just read the bio for Dr. Steve, host of weird medicine on Sirius XM103, and made popular by two really comedy shows, Ope and Anthony and Ron and Fez, you would have thought that this guy was a bit of, you know, a clown. Your show was better when he had medical questions. Hey! I've got diphtheria crushing my esophagus. I've got Ebola dripping from my nose. I've got the leprosy of the heartbound, exacerbating my impetable woe.

I want to take my brain now Blast with the wave An ultrasonic, ecographic and a pulsating save I want to magic pills All my ailments, the health equivalent of citizen cane And if I don't get it now in the tablet I think I'm doomed, then I'll have to go insane I want to requiem for my disease

So I'm aging Dr. Steve It's weird medicine The first and still only on censored medical show In the History of Broadcast Radio, now a podcast. I'm Dr. Steve with my little pal, Dr. Scott, the traditional Chinese medical practitioner who gives me street cred with the weird old tentative medicine assholes. Hello, Dr. Scott. Hey, Dr. Steve. This is a show for people who would never listen to a medical show on the radio or the internet.

If you've got a question, you're embarrassed to take to your regular medical provider. If you can't find an answer anywhere else, give us a call at 347-764323. That's 347. Poo-Hill. Follow us on Twitter at Weird Medicine or at DR. Scott W. Visit our website at Dr. Steve.com for podcasts, medical news, and stuff you can buy. Most importantly, we are not your medical providers. Take everything here with the green of salt.

Don't act on anything you hear on this show. Without talking it over with your doctor, nurse practitioner, practical nurse, physician, assistant, pharmacist, chiropractor, acupuncturist. That'd be you, Dr. Scott, yoga master, physical therapist, clinical laboratory, scientists, registered, dietitian, or whatever. Now, listen, we've got an amazing show today, but first, we've got to get the plugs in. and don't forget to go to stuff.doctrsteve.com. That's stuff.com for all your Amazon shopping needs. Helps keep us on the air to be perfectly frank. So please use that whenever you need to shop online,

and you can scroll down, and you can see all the different topics and products that we talk about here, including the ROTI instrument tuner. It's a robot. It's an actual robot that you hold in your hand, and it will tune your stringed instruments for it. It's amazing.

Check out tweakeda audio.com, offer code fluid, FLUID for 33% off your purchase, the best earbloods for the price and the best customer service anywhere. If you want to lose weight with me, go to Noom, N-O-O-M dot, dottersteve.com. It's not a diet. It's a psychology program. You will lose weight if you do the program. And if you go to Noom. Dottersteve.com and sign up, you get two weeks free. And then if you decide that you're going to continue it, then it's just a three-month program.

And then you're done. And then you can keep the app and use it for all the things that you would use it for. Anyway, newm. Dot, dot, Dr.steve.com. Check out Dr. Scott's website at simplyherbils.net. All right. You may have noticed me putting on my best radio voice. That's because we have a true.

great in the studio today. Ladies and gentlemen, late of the Don Imas show, and currently of the Rod Bartlett Comedy Hour, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rob Bartlett. Hello, Rob. Dr. Steve, how are you? I was actually quite impressed with the voice.

I was going to suggest. You might want to think about doing some voiceover work. No, you know, the problem, well, I would love to do that. I don't think I have the, the patients because, you know, I got offered a thing to read an audio book. It's like, I'm not reading this fucking book. And so, yeah, I just, I don't have, I'm, I'm better off being a doctor with a good radio voice than a radio person that has no ability to actually entertain anybody, in my opinion.

I would disagree, but, you know, thank you. Well, hey, let's, thanks for being here, man. we've talked about doing this for ages. I'm looking at a picture of you and me, and then another picture of you and my family and me when we were in the studio, and I can't remember if it was opi and Jim or if it was actually opi and Anthony.

Do you read it? I know Jim was in the studio. I don't remember if it was opening and Anthony. I might have just been opi, but maybe it was opian, Anthony. I think it was open. And I think so, too, because it was pretty long time ago. And at that time, we were on the air at 5 in the morning on Mondays.

And that was when I was amazed, Scott, this Rob Bartlett, who, listen, before there was opium Anthony and before we could get Howard Stern, I listened to Don Imus every morning. And, you know, this guy's voices and the bits that they would do were, legendary to us. And then I've got this guy sitting here. It was a hero of mine. He said, oh, I know your show. You're Dr. Steve. And so you used to listen to us on the way in to Emas in the morning on Monday. Is that what it was? That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I used to drive in and listen to you guys. It was great. I mean, it was so entertaining. Yeah, well, thank you. You don't have to lie. You know, it was five o'clock in a

morning. I get it. But, yeah. So, yeah, so. So that amazed me that, well, first off, I never think anybody's listening, much less somebody that I actually admire. So that was really cool. And I've been wanting to just have you on just so I could talk to you for an hour and have an excuse. And, you know, but anyway, yeah, so you're doing the Rob Bartlett Comedy Hour. Radio, the Rob Bartlett Radio Hour. Oh, sorry, the Rob Bartlett Radio Hour. Yes.

Radio Comedy. Hang on now. The Rob Bartlett Radio Comedy Hour. Got it. Okay. All right. I mean, you're a doctor for crying out laughing. How hard is this?

It's very difficult. And so the Rob Bartlett Radio Comedy Hour, and this is sort of the 20, 2021 version of Fire Sign Theater sort of kind of thing. Yeah, sort of kind of. Yeah. It started out. It was, we used to simulcast it on Facebook, Facebook Live. It was a visual. I had this idea of combining Saturday Night.

live with the old like Jack Benny show where the actor would stand in front of microphones holding scripts you know um and doing sketches i had a whole troop of people some really really talented people Megan Samard uh Steve Mecca manly thompson um alissa alter whitney um wow i can't remember her last name that one she's great new you know i almost said cummings so uh That was Whitney somebody or other. Oh, anyway. Anyway. Whitney Johnson.

And I believe. Anyway. And I co-wrote it with a guy, Andrew Smith, who used to be a head writer at SNL, and a dear friend of mine. And we would do this every week. And it was a lot of fun. We had a musical guest every week. But then we wound up having. And you were doing this in an action.

studio at ABC, right? ABC had it like a broadcast stage where they used to do live stuff on Facebook Live and with cameras and whatnot. So every Monday night, they would let us use it. This was after I'd left ABC after I'm missing the morning, went off the air.

And they removed me from the air. And we did it for a couple of weeks and then they said we couldn't use the video studio anymore. So then we just used a radio studio, one of the old radio studios and just did a I guess an audio podcast so we did it in the studio but we had no live audience

that was the best part about doing it live on Facebook we had a live audience in the studio with us sure so we got some reactions um and then we did it in the studio for a while and then they gave us an hour on Saturday nights to to do the show and we used to an edited version and an uncensored version for the podcast and then um I guess another doctor who wanted you know to or something, you know, my pillow guy or somebody wanted to buy an hour on Saturday. We decided to buy hours. And so we were out. And so we were just doing it from the studio for the podcast.

And then they said we couldn't use a studio anymore because there was an insurance problem or something like that. And so now it's just me from my bedroom. So I'm doing all the voices and the effects and all that crap myself. No, I think that's great, though. But, you know, it's not the same. It isn't the same. It isn't the same. And, you know, as such, I actually got so tight.

I haven't done one now since December. So I've been really, really lax. But now I think after this, we get a little bit of publicity. I'll start up again. Actually, I'm working on something now. It's a throwback to the old Imas in the morning days. Back when we were on NBC, he had discovered through his urologist what he thought was a third testicle, but was actually, I guess, a fat deposit or whatever it is.

Okay, so, but we named him Tresuevos, and so I wrote this whole series, this whole series of this Zorro-like character named Tresuevos. You know, he had his own thing, out of the night, comes a frightening side, it's the man known as Tresuevos, one more than the average amount. Tresuevos, two strikes and he'd have a full count. And so I'm bringing that back, the legend of Tresuevos. That's too great. Oh, I love that. Yes, it means three eggs, by the way, Dr. Scott, if you're not fluid in Spanish. Thank you.

Thank you, grotches. And, yeah, so eggs being a euphemism for testicles. Because tres testiculus would not be a great character name. Well, you can't write a song about that either. No. And it is a... Uh-oh. Oh.

It is a musical. We're losing Rob. Uh-oh. There you are. There you go. Okay. It isn't musical enough to stick a loss. Yeah, right.

Right. No. How would you do that? It was actually a line in the first episode when the father, Trasuevo's father says, you know, tells him that he was born with the sign of the three and it makes him very, very special. And Imus was playing Trace Wavos, of course. And Imus goes, you're nuts. No, Michael. You're nuts.

That's a great Imus, by the way. I guess after working with him. long. It would be crazy if you didn't have. No, no, no, no, no. That's so good. That's so good. But you're also, for those who want to be stand-up comedians, you're doing a thing with them called the RB Studio. Yeah, I decided that, you know, and this came about during lockdown, you know, there's no way to perform really anymore and no way of making money anymore. So I thought, Why don't I pass on some of my my expertise and do online, you know, Zoom coaching and in stand-up and also acting.

I've been coaching people with acting with the and some of the musical theater people who have auditions and whatnot and they bring their song and I work with them and teach them how to, you know, add some acting techniques to their song, you know, and I have them do the songs as monologue so that way they, get a feel for what it would be like if it was actual dialogue and yeah and um actually one of the one of the students um young a 16 year old boy from belfast um auditioned for a casting agent and and got it while he was still on the phone with her you know after wow he did he did like a live audition for and she signed them immediately so so you know it'll be like everything else you

You know, he'll get big, and he'll never write, he'll never call. Right. You know, like Opie and Anthony, you get him on the way up, and then you get him again on the way back down. That's always been my philosophy and show business. You know, it's like, be nice to the people on the way up because you might get a chance to open for him on the way down. There you go.

Well, if someone wants to do this, how would they get in touch with you? You might as well get all the plugs out of the way at the beginning, and then we can do medicine. It's the rbstudio.com or, or, robio at the rb studio.com if you want to just shoot me an email it's robio at the rbistudio. Awesome. Yeah, good. Well, you know, I am usually the one that when something happens, I'm the one that gets F.

This is the first time that something catastrophic has happened. And I've actually been okay because, you know, the medical profession, we still had to work. Matter of fact, we were kind of, you know, even if I didn't want to work, I would have been compelled to work because there was a shortage there for a while. Things are calming down now. But yeah, I cannot imagine owning a comedy club. A music

hall. Yeah, a music venue or something. Can you, I mean, you can't imagine. I can't imagine it because, you know, every single one of those sorts of businesses is somebody's dream. They have a dream to have a comedy club or a music venue and hang out with musicians or play or do

all that stuff. And that's just the the kind of business that absolutely just has been shut down. It's tragic. I had done a thing with, they were going for a Guinness Book of World Records. Two comic friends of mine, Richie Byrne and Mark Rigidonna,

they do a podcast, live video podcast every week on Stream Yard. I don't know, Stream Yard, I think. Anyway, and they tried to break a world, Guinness World Record for the longest comedy podcast. and they actually did it for charity. They, you know, got people to donate, and they were on for, I don't know, 60 hours. I'm sure it was hilarious by hour 59. Well, no, because it was this rotating bunch of comics.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. I thought they did all by themselves. And so they would do material. And so I popped in a couple of times over the weekend, and, you know, he had guys from England, you know, which was a very interesting perspective, whatever. And I realized that not just the, the ability. to perform was something that I missed. But the camaraderie, it's like, you know, you miss your tribe.

You know, I miss the just sitting around the table, you know. Just shitting on each other. Yeah. I mean, shooting the shit. And, you know, Voss was on. I was able to shit on him. And then he got me back. He hung up on me.

It was just great. You know, it was just, it was really, really great. And I realized how much I had missed that part of the business. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can't imagine. And, you know, we, the one benefit for me

has been that most of my meetings have either been canceled or gone all virtual, but that doesn't really work that way for this business. And I see, yeah, I don't know how Noam is keeping the doors open. I mean, you know, I'm sure you know Noam Dorman, the owner of the comedy seller and the fat black

pussycat and all that stuff. Oh, no. How, unless he just has this huge bank role, how he's keeping that going. But, you know, it'd be tragedy if places like that just close down and don't come back because I hear in Manhattan, about 60% of the small businesses are gone and they're never coming back. Yeah, it's very, very true. I mean, a lot of comedy clubs I know are trying to do virtual shows. Yeah. How's that going? I, you know, one of my friends

did it over the weekend, and I'm curious to find out. There was also another comic I knew who was doing, actually, Mark Rickadonna, one of the guys from the podcast was doing a theater in New Hope, Pennsylvania, This is theater that's seated 300, and there were 45 people in the house. And, you know, I was breaking his balls and telling him, and it wasn't because, you know. Right, it wasn't because of COVID. He wasn't a draw in Pennsylvania. Wow. Well, that's really something.

Well, do you, are you interested in doing some medical questions with us? Just hang out. We'll just, we've got some random questions. We've got some. And you are on the same line as the call thing. So I'll try to work that out so that you can hear everything. But you had an interesting sort of medical question or perspective that you wanted us to talk about. If I remember right.

I mean, I have this friend. Everybody, by the way, everyone who calls in, they're calling for a friend. So you're in your company. But this is actually for a friend. I know. It always is. It's always for a friend. I get it.

I swear. I how to describe it the the penis is playing peekaboo it's it's it's up inside the body and and it's even when it's not cold

and it's difficult to pee sometimes because it's you know you gotta kind of like yank it out you know it's you know I mean I got a pair of tweezers and I'm trying to because you mean you're fat.

I already have a problem problem. You know, I'm not working with much to begin with. I'm hung like a salmon, so is that good? I don't. Have you ever seen the penis on a son? I have not. Okay. So that answered my own question, that's exactly. And so, you know, and so it's, it's like, it's up inside. It's like, why? And what do I do to, to fix this problem? For your friend, you mean? For my friend. Yeah. Yeah. So the first question is, is your friend at his, I'm going to assume it's a guy. I'm making an assumption, but is your friend at his ideal body weight? Don't think so.

Okay. Okay. Because I'm sure you're not aware of this, but there's a thing called Dr. Steve's rule. And Dr. Steve's rule is that every 35 pounds of weight that you lose, you regain one inch of penis length. And there are some people that have a pubic fat pad that is luscious enough that they actually start with negative penis length, you know, that the penis is retracted somewhat inside the fat pad. So with 35 pounds, let's just say it's an inch back, you lose 35 pounds, now it'll be even. Then you lose another 35 and it'll be an inch out and then another 35, another inch. Now, there's a limit to this that's only, that relationship's only linear for part of the curve, right?

Because, I mean, if you lose 350 pounds, that's no guarantee you're going to have 10 inches of penis length. But you'll get, you'll optimize the closer you are to your ideal body weight. So that's the first thing. The second thing is, is that there are some people that have a very profound and powerful Cremaster reflex. and the cremaster reflex is the shrinkage, you know, the George Costanza. It's the shrinkage. And the reason the body does that is, for one,

a couple of things, is that you can't procreate if you don't have your testicles and your penis all functioning and intact. So the body will gather them up during times of stress and particularly cold weather. And in some people, it just never lets go. You know, it just holds on to them, and it takes an act of Congress to relax the junk enough so that you can see them from the outside. And it may actually be an evolutionary advantage for some people, you know, if you were jumping over tiger cages for a...

You don't want anything dangling below while you're jumping in. Exactly. Yes. So in those folks, the cremast reflex, and the other function that it's... serves is to keep the testicles at the proper temperature. So you can only make sperm when the testicles are about three degrees below body temperature. Why? I don't know.

That's a question. When I'm sitting in front of our creator and it's Q&A time, that'll be my first question. Why would you make it that way? But anyway, so it has to be three degrees below body temperature. Well, the only way to do that is to drop it between the legs. And there are, so you can also teabag it in, you know, like a cold drink. Yes. I mean, it would help too, I would think.

Well, if you teabag a cold drink, now it's going to, well, that's true, but that it will retract even more at that point. Okay, I guess. Now it's got to raise the body temperature. Gotcha. So when it's retracting, it's trying to raise. When they're drooping, it's trying to lower the temperature. Okay. Now, you'll have some people that will get varicose veins of the scrotum.

and that's called a varicoseal. And when you, those people, when you reach down there to examine your testicles, instead of feeling testicles, you'll feel what feels like a bag of worms. And that bag of worms actually enlarged dilated veins, aka varicose veins, just like in your legs. And those are no longer able to be heat sinks to draw heat away from the testicles. And when that happens, the testicles attain, they'll keep drooping farther, farther in an attempt to lower the temperature, but they can't do it. And those people will become infertile because the testicles then attain body temperature and they can't escape it anymore.

So, you know, there's all kinds of interesting problems to do with our testicles. But in your friends situation, the first thing I would do is have them attain their ideal body weight, and then we'll see what's really going on because they may have a good, nice meaty six inches and it's just buried in that pubic fat pad and until they lose weight all over it's hard to lose weight in one part of your body got you gotcha got you um i can't believe when i was looking up what am i going to ask him what am i going to ask him that's a good one strange strange penis conditions. And you remember Sam Roberts,

the young man who's now on the morning show on Sirius XM, Channel 103. And he had, and I'm not talking out of school because he talked about this a bunch of a thing called fimosis. And that's where he had normal,

you know, meaty, you know, flaccid penis. But the foreskin was so narrow that when he urinated, it would balloon up. And then he would just dribble at the end. And in a situation like that,

that's not tenable. And he couldn't retract it to clean it. He couldn't retract it to have an erection. Just a mess. So basically what you're saying is Sam was not Jewish. That is correct. That is correct. At least not observant.

And but he did have an adult circumcision though. He said it was the most painful thing that he's ever experienced. I don't think Sam's had a lot of pain in his life anyway, but I think when they take your foreskin off as an adult, it sucks. Well, there's one more thing. I think there's a little bit more painful. I, you know, I had read somewhere where as a form of birth control, and this speaks to what you were saying about the temperature of the scrotum, when I used to put my dick in a microwave to heat it up. Exactly.

That was pretty painful. Exactly the same thing. My wife didn't get pregnant, so it was, you know, it worked for. for me. Fair enough. But you know, the problem is it says, you know, it gets hot, it gets bubbly. It doesn't get crisp, though. You can't get a crisp in the microwave.

And I blame the school systems. Fair enough. I think the school systems are partly to blame for that. You have to have that little silver thing under it to get it to crisp up. And even then, it will only just be the bottom. Maybe you should try an air fryer. That, there you go. There you go.

There might do it. much better idea. You don't want an oil. I'm going to have to give Dr. Scott one of these. Give yourself a bill. All right. I think you're absolutely right. I thought I had a choice between that and the Paironi disease, I thought. Those would be the two interesting things that I could bring to the table that might be funny. And I think I chose the right one. I think you did. Paranis is a good one to talk. If you want to come on the Dr. Steve show and you need something to talk about, I suggest you Google strange penis conditions and see. Well, see, when I go on someone else's show, if they invite me, I have really nothing to offer.

I mean, I'm not funny. I'm not glib. I'm just terrible, but I know what will make them puke. And so I'll have them Google Image. I did this on Chip Chipperson show. And it was just going nowhere. I said, here, Google Image this. And I gave them a couple of things to Google Image.

One of them is a thing called oral myiasis. And I would advise everyone listening to this right now to not, don't Google image that. But it will always get people puking. Basically what it is is it's, you know, maggots growing in people's bad dental care. And the pictures are absolutely horrific. And it works for me because they, you know, if people are puking because I had them look at a picture, it's funny. But I don't have to be funny. that way. The material is funny.

But anyway, but no, that was actually, and we should talk about Peroni's disease. It's been a while since we've discussed it on the show. Well, I haven't heard about anything about it since Bill Clinton. I mean, that was really, he was the most famous guy I know. That's right. That was how they... How would you describe it?

Like, what exactly is it? I mean, it's a curvature, right? It is, but it's a, I mean, most people have some curvature. There are very few penises that are perfectly straight, although I'm, you know, in seeing some porn, I've seen a few of them, but most people's penis

will, when erect, will curve to one side of the other slightly. And Paineroni's penis, however, is something different. That's, generally happens because a scar tissue on the semi-elastic sheath around

the shaft of the penis. So if that sheath was perfectly elastic, when you filled the penile cavern, you know, the caverns up with blood, you would just get a balloon, right? You'd get a spherical mass that would be just squishy, and that wouldn't be very much fun to have sex with. So the penile shaft sheath is elastic in sort of the axial direction, a little bit in the girth direction, but then it attains a stretch

that it can't go beyond that, and then the more blood you pump in there, the harder it gets until you can't scratch it with a, you know, a cat can't scratch it. That's the way we would say it in Tennessee. And so, but, so, but that sheath is semi-elastic. If you get some scar tissue in that sheath, where it is now no longer elastic, what's going to happen? It'll enlarge everywhere except there, and so it will bend in the direction of the scar tissue. Now, how do you get scar tissue in your sheath? that was my next question

I will tell you how my friend you're a little bit drunk and your partner who you know your partner of your choice is on top of you so that you don't have control of the thrusting and you're laying there sort of passively and this person is

thrusting and then your penis is not fully erect so it's a little bit malleable and then they thrust down with the penis a little maybe it's not well lubed or it's half in and half out, and it bends your erect member.

And when that happens, you can get a fracture. Not always. A fracture is horrendous, and you'll have intense pain at that area with swelling as the blood starts to pool around there, and it's extremely painful

and big giant sort of, you know, hematoma penis. And is an emergency in most cases. And that is an, that's a medical emergency. Don't be embarrassed. People, And people will admire you for, you know, actually having, you know, an injury happened during intercourse. So if you're worried about being embarrassed or humiliated at the emergency room, don't. Definitely go.

But, and if you get that, you will always get scarring in that area. But not always, though. Sometimes it'll just bend and you'll think it's no big deal. And then the trauma from the folding in half of the penis over time will set in some scar tissue or fibotic tissue and where that comes. crease was. And so in those people, they won't even know. And then they'll just notice a month later, gosh, you know, every time I have an erection, it's painful, and it's

bending, you know, 90 degrees or 120 degrees to the right or the left. And it used to be, we didn't have a good treatment for that. They would give people these turnbuckle things where you have a sheath that goes around the base of the penis and one that goes around the

Roman War helmet. And then you'd have turn buckles on there, and you would turn them a little bit more every day. You had to walk around with this contraption on your cock, and it would, in an attempt to stretch it back out again. That's one thing that you could do. And if you can catch it early after a fracture, sometimes you can get it to heal straight that way. See, fractured penis. I never knew that you could fracture a penis. Yeah, and fracture's kind of a conversation starter.

I mean, good at parties. Want to sign my cast? Well, you know, fracture is kind of a, it's a misnomer. It's not really fractured. It's more ruptured. Because there's no bone there. There are some animals that have bones in their penis, but humans, thankfully, are not one of those. So bone is misnomer.

Yes, exactly right. Right. It's bone-like or bonoid, or what would it be? Bon-esque. Yeah, bon-ask, thank you. That's the word I was going for. Give yourself a bill. You probably can't hear that.

That's Opie saying, give yourself a bell. I heard that you reached up a bill. So those, anyway, we do have treatments now, though. And the treatment is a couple of things. There are some drugs that you can use. One of them is a calcium channel blocker called verapamil, but the one I'm really interested in is collagenase. And what that is is it's an enzyme that will break down scar tissue.

So you go to a urologist, they find the scar, they inject it with this stuff, and then you can use the turn buckler, or you can just use some stretching techniques. Or a fancy cast. Or like a fancy cast. And they'll dissolve that scar and they can even it out. Now, a little bit of curvature is actually a pretty good thing. Yes.

And here's why. It gives you the illusion of girth. So if you're a needle dick but you have a penis that curves to the right or the left, when you first, let's assume that you're putting it in a vagina, And it could be any orifices of your choice. But we'll just for the purposes of this discussion, we'll say vagina. And so when you insert it, you're going to be, let's say it's curved to the left. It doesn't matter.

Curve to the left. You'll be putting some pressure on the left vaginal wall. Then as you continue to insert, now that middle curve is going to start putting some pressure on the right vaginal wall. And then when you get all the way in, it's going to be curving. back and you're going to get some more pressure on the left vaginal wall. And to the brain that's attached to that orifice, it's going to

give it the illusion that you've got a much girthier penis in there. See, the ideal situation I guess would be that if it curved upwards, then you have the G-spot stimulator already built in. And I would give you another opi drop, but it just seems

like it would, you know, it's going to be redundant. Start sounding redundant if I keep doing that. That's exactly right. You're a genius, sir. That's why I love your show is because you can learn things. That's right. See? These are all important things.

I remember Bill Burr making fun of us when we did a bit where I had one of my friends come up and taste urine to see if he could tell who was diabetic. And it was a great bit, but it was pretty sophomoric. And that's, by the way, why doctors invented urine dipsticks or at least requested that they be invented. so we didn't have to taste urine anymore. But it was a very successful experiment, but Bill Burr said, you know, we're going to be at a party tonight. We're going to be telling people, oh, did you know, diabetes means siphon in Greek? You know, so you do learn some things. Hey, I've got, hey, can I can throw this in there?

Of course. If we're talking about painful penises, I would like to talk to somebody that had an adult surgery, circumcision, right? Well, we know. We have a friend. Well, I know, but, but, and compare that to someone that's also had a, cystoscopy, which is worse, which we've had. Right, which you and I both had. What would be worse? Okay, so. Lord have mercy.

So, Dr. Rob, we, Dr. Scott and I both had cystoscopies where they take a fiber optic scope and stick it up the urethromeda, aka the cockhole. And they look around in there. And these jackasses, and for the urologists out there, you know who you are, they'll They take this little fiber optic scope and it's... It's not little. Well, when it's going up your penis, it seems much larger than it is, but it's still pretty small. But they'll take numbing gel and they'll put it on this thing.

And they'll say, oh, you know, we're going to give you a little numbing gel. That's for them. That's to make them feel better. It doesn't make us feel any better. As a matter of fact, I think it makes it worse because it made it burn that much worse on the way in. It gives you the illusion that's going to help and it does not. And then you feel like you're pissing razor blades, even though you're not actually urinating at the time. Now, I don't want to scare anybody away from having this.

That's a good test. Having the test done, and even as uncomfortable as it is, is still better than the things that they're looking for. So, you know, we're being funny, but, you know, don't not do it just because we're saying it sucked, but it did suck. Oh, that's horrible. But we had a friend, Jefferson the Scheister, he's a lawyer that used to do legal stuff on this show and also just make it. horrendous jokes and he had an adult circumcision and the method that they used

didn't hurt him at all. He played softball the next day. So they are getting better at that. Okay. Yeah, so anyway. Shew. Oh, man. Enough with the penises.

That's what I'm talking about. Enough of the penises. I guarantee you this will be one of the highest rated shows you've done. Of course. I can't lose it with the dick. I know you're absolutely right. Let's, um,

You want to take some phone calls? Yeah. All right. Let's see what we got here. Oh, hey, we got one for Dr. Scott. Let's let him. I'm going to pot you up just a little bit so you can hear this chairman Rob. And then we'll go from there.

Let's see. Uh-oh. There it is. Hi, Tacey. Can I talk to the guy sitting there beside you, namely Dr. Scott? Oh, ho. That's funny. You got a question for stuff.

Did you get it? He said, hey, Tase, can I talk to the guy sitting next to you? They ain't all thinking you're talking about me. But they talk about you, Dr. Scott. That's Stacey Deloche, everyone. Yeah, he's given one of these. All right, enough of that. Okay, here you go.

That's my one voice that I can do, Rob, is the redneck asshole. I saw a YouTube video about that, and I remember Michael Phelps one time. There was a big question about all these dots on us back, and it was about cup therapy. Does that actually work as a Chinese, medical treatment or any kind of medical treatment so what's the answer dr scott yes okay next question yes next please no it it can work really well when done properly well tell us about this because it looked michael phelps gets in the water and he's got these circular you know marks on

them i don't know are they bruises they're bruises that's exactly what they are so tell us the tell us the procedure what you actually do and then tell us why you do it And then try to make up a reason why it might actually work. Hey, adult school, the way I was trained, we took these glass balls, which was what Michael Phelps had, and these are these glass gloves. You put a little one drop of alcohol in there, and you light it, and it creates a flame. That's right. And so it's a little teeny explosion, creates a vacuum, and you put this on these sore spots, right? Okay, so you're burning off the oxygen, and it leaves when you throw it on there.

And it's heating up, too, so as it cools down, the air will contract. It's left in there, and it pulls the skin up into the cup. Yep, pulls the skin up into the cup. And that's one, that's one. It seems incredibly dangerous. It is. I don't do that. I don't do it.

It's just too easy. And if it slips and falls off, then that glass cup falls in your floor, and you have glass every damn wear. Yeah. And fire. And fire. And here's the thing, too, Steve, if you missed the first time, oh, that didn't stick, you know, so that you put another drop of alcohol on there and you light it again. Well, the glass starts getting really hot. I don't do it like that.

So how do you do it? We have these old plastic, these little plastic suction cups. You suction them up there, and then you can control the amount of pressure putting on the skin. Okay, wait a minute. So you got a cup, and it's got some sort of... A little suction device on top. Okay.

And it's got a little trigger. It's a trigger mechanism. Each cup has its own suction thing, or you've got a suction thing that you attach to it? Yeah, a suction cup that you attach to it. So let's say I've got 20 cups, and you just go one suck, and you pull it up until the person's comfortable until you've reached what you would call a therapeutic. of the pool. Okay, that's a big word.

Which is a relative term, I know that, but I do moving cupping. I put coconut oil on the skin. So like if, let's say if, um, let's say if our body Rob comes in with a muscle spasm in his back, I'll put some coconut oil, rub it in, make sure the music is playing. And I put the, pull those cups, put a cup on him and pull it just tight enough. Yep. So I could slide the cup up and down.

I don't. Now that I can. see, we've talked about this before, to loosen up the fascia and the skin. Layers of tissue, I can see that because how else would you lift it? You can't get underneath it and somehow lift it up, and there's no way that you can lift skin up. But you can with that. Now, that makes sense to me. It's a perfect balance to a massage.

I love a massage because the massage is pushing, kneading, mashing, and cupping is the exact opposite. It's sucking, pulling the pressure off the bone. So, you know, if we've got somebody with a back pain and you can feel it's right on a rib, you can just pull the muscle in the fashion skin out there, takes the pressure off the nerve, it works extremely well. See, that makes sense to me. What they're saying, and I know Rob saw the same thing, is these circular things all over, and they're saying, well, they're bringing blood up there, and somehow that's anti-inflammatory.

To a certain degree, it's more of a noxious stimulant. But you know, something else I use cupping for is for a rash or urtic hair. I'll actually put a little teeny needle right in the center of a rash, put a cup and pull the heat out of it. It works extremely well. Now, I know you're going to poo-poo that, but it works extremely well. Does it really? It does. Yeah, but, you know, I don't like putting these huge bruises on people.

It takes a while to go away, and you have to explain it. Makes them feel like they did something. So I have a question, Dr. Scott. So if you have a pain in your neck. neck, getting a hickie would be therapeutic. That's 100% correct. Yes. There you go.

And if I can't do it with a cup, I'll do it myself. So now, guys, you have an excuse. That's right. You come home, your wife says, what is that? You just said, I had some cup therapy for my neck. Hickey therapy. Do people still do hickies? I mean, I don't know.

I hadn't had one in a while. I never did one. You have to intentionally do a hickie. And so you're doing that just to basically make your mark on somebody. Yeah, I don't think I've ever given a Hickey in anybody, except for a cup, no, that's weird. Yeah, you're like, this is my property. Yeah, this is this person, you know, but there's things all over their neck. Hey, Rob, I had a guy years ago that had a, had a boil on his head, and I took a little, lanced it with a little scalpel and then put this, that cup and sucked a pus out of it.

Mm, perfect. Really? Yeah. Well, that makes sense. Blood and pus everywhere. That sounds like a medical procedure that you might, that might be beyond the scope of your license. No, no. You can take a scalpel and you can lance.

You should, those bleeding needles, I do bleeding therapy. I mean, they're like 18 gauge needles. Basically, you're going back to the age of leeches? We did a bleeding therapy on this guy today. For what? For stress. Okay, now we're going to. So you're also a barber is what you're saying.

Yes, that's exactly. That's where the red and white barber pole came from. You know, they used, they would take the blood soaked gauze and they would hang it outside on a, on a, on a pole. Yep, yep, yep, yep. And that's where you knew where the barber was. And then when they quit actually- Give yourself a bill. Give yourself a bill. There you go.

So we got to, okay, listen, I've never heard you talking about bleeding. Oh, yeah. Now, this is a new, new level of malarkey. Watch it now. All right. There's a 500 juice of research on this. Okay, tell us about it. I'll find some research.

I'll find some. No, it's okay. Let's talk about it. Well, I'll have the research today. Okay. But I can find it. That's like Tommy Flanagan. I can speak Russian when I'm in the mood.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Check out Dr. Scott's website at simplyherbils.net. Simplyherbils.net. Also, it's kind of spelled like simplyherbales.net so you can remember it. I give, Rob, I give Scott a hard time. But actually, he and I were partners in medicine a long time ago. And that's how we first met and started working together.

And when Western medicine failed one of my patients, where I'd done A, I've done B, I've done C, I've done all these things. I ruled out things that were going to kill them. They still felt like crap. I'd send him to Scott. And he'd feel all these pulses that we don't understand. And he could make a diagnosis that didn't make sense to us. But the patients got a name for what was wrong with him. and 100% of them felt better.

Just because it's just going to show you, something that's 5,000 years old is there for a reason. That's right. Yeah. No, and there really is for, and I give him a hard time about some of this stuff, but the acupuncture that he does, there's really good data on that for a lot of different things.

Now, if Scott was saying, hey, I can cure cancer by putting a needle in your third knuckle, then I would be, you know, we would have a problem. But he's the perfect example of a complementary medicine type practitioner because we compliment each other. What I'm no good at, he's really good at, and vice versa. So what would be the Chinese medicine solution for erectile dysfunction? Oh, excellent question. That is a good question.

Because there are a couple of them, and Scott doesn't mess with those. But talk about the ones that you do mess with. We have a couple herbal formulas. I know where you're going for that. Yeah, but there are some that have astragulus and ginseng and things of that nature that will stimulate the energy. Johanbeam root's been proven to help with erectile function. Back before Viagra came out, that's what we used. You know, we used, oh gosh, what's the injectable one?

Spanish fly? Yeah, no, no, no. Now, Spanish fly just makes you have an itchy urinary tract. So somehow that's supposed to move. Alprostadil. Alprostadil is an injection. We used to inject that, and it's a vasodilator. And then we would use yohimine.

That was all we had. Rob, I'll tell you, and depending on the case, we have a couple different formulas for whatever the person's reason may be. And Dr. Steve will tell you this, too. A lot of times direct all this functions is a psychological thing. So sometimes I'll get some herbal medicines just call them down and then tell them to go do their thing and it works out pretty well. Yeah, performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety. And I've had that as well that some people just needed to have the Viagra in their back pocket, knowing that it was there they would be able to perform. Well, see, I thought that was how you used it. You just put it in your back pocket. I'm trying to use it wrong all these years. No, it's not wrong. It actually, for there's a subset of people, it works just great.

It works. You know. That placebo is a tough, good peel to take sometimes. It's a great drug. Yep. Yeah. The placebo is so important that we have to subtract it from every single drug trial that we do. You know, that's the thing.

So it's, it's, and we have practitioners that do certain things, and without saying any, without, I don't want to piss anybody off. But there are some therapeutics where you don't even touch the patient. You just wave your hands over them, right? And they'll say, oh, we manipulate bioenergy fields, and we do this and we do that. It's like, seriously. But they don't want to say that they are manipulating the placebo effect. Because somehow that's less important. My argument is the placebo effect is so important that every single study that we've ever done that's worth anything subtracts out the placebo effect.

because we know how important it is. So for those people that do procedures that rely on the placebo effect, but they don't want to call it that, I came up with a, and I actually published an article about this, a substitute term called the cryptogenic therapeutic effect means the same thing. Cryptogenic just means, we don't know. Sounds pretty thing. But therapeutic means it actually is doing something so that people can say,

yes, well, instead of making up some bioenergy field, that no one's ever detected. Just say, you know, my technique uses the cryptogenic therapeutic effect. It sounds fancy. It sounds scientific, and it's more true. Brilliant. There you go. Thank you, sir.

That's why I told you that, so that you would give me that compliment. All right, let's take another call. Hey, guys, I've done a question for you. Same guy. I'm talking about, I know you're a dog lover, about using canines for detecting in coronavirus and people's sweat. And then another one that they've been training up for detecting the virus where they need to do massive cleaning act.

I wonder if you could explore that. Bye. That's fascinating. That's pretty cool. Dogs are amazing. You know, the olfactory sense is the first one wired to the brain. So in humans, the, sorry, I'm going to get rid of the, this sound. There we go. In humans

our olfactory nerves are pretty short. It's just enough for us to smell that there's shit in our food. That's basically what it's there for. Protection, right? Yeah, so we don't eat something rotten. Right. And it contributes to taste as well. If you've ever tried to eat something while you're holding your nose, you know about that. Dogs,

you see their snout for the most part. You know, a normal dog snout is six to eight inches long, and it's all filled with olfactory nerve cells up in the top. And they can detect orders of magnitude better, chemicals sense better than we can. And so this is very interesting. I haven't seen this research, and that's something you might look up, Dr. Scott, while we're talking about it. But animals have all kinds of interesting.

properties. I don't know, Rob, if you've heard about the cats in nursing homes, they'll have these cats in these nursing homes, and they'll go visit these people and just hang out in their room, and then a week later, the people die, and the hypothesis is somehow the cats can tell that they've got something that other people aren't aware of. And so, you know, it doesn't surprise me that dogs can smell marijuana that's been double, triple wrapped in some. someone's in someone's car, how in the hell they do that, that there might be some interesting scent that the virus makes in people's sweat, some byproduct of breaking down the virus that they can smell.

Did you find something, Scott? Just out of it. I'm trying to see if it's a good... I had heard that there are some dogs that can smell if a person has cancer or not. I've heard this as well. And again, you know, just subtle changes in our metabolism may be something that a dog or you then take that and turn it into a technology. You know, we have sniffing machines, things that can smell a sense, but none of them

are as subtle or robust as biological odor sensors. What would you find, Scott? Evidently, all across the world, there are dog trainers that are training dogs to smell COVID. So, okay, they're training dogs, but are they having any success with it? what's going on? Yeah, so according to what I'm reading here, it looks like dogs have somewhere in neighborhood of 300 million sensors in their nose compared to 6 million for humans. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so, Steve, I'm just kind of scanning this real quick. So it is. It's an order of magnitude times five. Yeah, it's it, which is profound. So real quick, what they're saying here is they actually did a small study. It was in Beirut, 1680 patients, or not paying, I'm sorry, passengers in an airport. Okay.

They had two dogs that were their top, that they kind of identified as their top dogs. They identified out of those 1,680 people going through this airport in an hour, 158 COVID cases that were confirmed later by a PCR test. 100%. 90, the animals correctly identified negative results with 100% accuracy and correctly detected 90% percent. 2% of all positive cases.

Holy crap. That's in an airport now, which think about the benefit of that and not having to do a, like one of my, one of our friends, she's flying to see her mother overseas tomorrow and she had to have a test today so that she can fly overseas tomorrow. But just think if you could get these dogs trained, they'll take them to the train stations or bus stations, airports, you know, so people can get to see their families overseas

or or or and some other so that's amazing it's pretty cool yeah i wonder if they were detecting if those patients were also febrile because i would want to know right how many of those actually had fevers because i could see a dog being able to pick somebody out with a fever and right now if people if you have a fever and you're walking around you probably have covid 19 right so um now if like 50% of them had elevated temperatures but they still detected 92% of you know or 92% of accuracy. That's amazing. And I can compare it to the way the dogs will sniff seizures prior

to someone having a seizure. Yeah, I wonder about that. I know. There could be subtle things that are happening in the body just before certain people have a seizure or just electrical discharges where they're getting a little bit of what we

would call fasciculation where the muscles are starting to just vibrate a little bit before the whole thing happens. Sort of like the opposite of an after. shock and an earthquake. May I say this real quick? Yeah, of course. And I just read this too.

The way they trained these dogs was they actually took them to a hospital and they had samples of positive patients who had the nasal swabs. Yeah. And that's how they trained these, these dogs to, and that wild. That's cool. That's cool. All right. Cool stuff.

Well, Rob, do you have a dog? Yeah, too, actually. What can they do? Besides annoying. You're right. Bar? They can lick themselves, which is something I think is, you know, worth being a dog just for that. You know how long I tried to do that when I was 12 and 13?

I still every once in a while when I'm watching TV, get the urge just to see if I can, you know, just because I think it's a great, it's a good party trick. The answer is always the same, but it would be amazing if you could. It would change everything. Why would you ever pursue, you know, a sex partner, though, if you could blow yourself? I mean, you wouldn't. No, agreed. It'd be stupid.

You speak the truth. Well, listen. Like Woody Allen's quote about masturbation. It's sex with somebody I love. That's right. But I've learned, you know, if you use your other hand, it feels like somebody else is doing it. That's right. That kind of is the thing.

Hey, Rob, or if you'll sit on your hand for long enough and it goes numb and then you do it, then it does. It definitely feels like something else doing it. That's interesting. Yeah. I like that. Allegedly. Allegedly, right.

We have talked on this show several times about people that have premature ejaculation. And one of the techniques to fix that is to practice edging. Basically, it's edging. You masturbate yourself up to. to the point where you're going to, you know, cross the, you know, the event horizon where there's no return. And, but you get up to that point and then you back off, which is hard to do, but it's a good technique to learn how to do.

And then I teach them to get a, like a flashlight or one of those just gel masturbated things, but don't jack it up and down, put it on a table that's about waist high and then just actually have intercourse with it, you know, where you're standing there and inserting and then thrusting and then practicing that way, and then that more closely simulates actual intercourse than if you're just, you know, jacking that thing up and down. So I don't know why I got off on that tangent. It's still fascinating to me, but nothing to do is what we're talking about. But it's, um, uh-oh.

Oh, we had one of those Skype moments. Sorry, I missed that whole line, sorry. It's a tip I'm going to take with me. I'll tell you that. There you go. Very good. Yeah, I heard Jim Norton talking about it on his show one day. He said, yeah, I heard Dr. Steve say, if you take the fleshlight and put it on a table and actually have sex with it, it's better.

I'm going to try that tonight. I was like, well, somebody actually listens to this shit. How do you fasten it to the table, though? Well, you just hold it down or just wrap it in a towel and just put your hand over it or something. Oh, okay. I mean, I don't know. I'm guessing that's how you would do it. Wink, wink, wink.

Well, you know, as long as you buy a dinner afterwards. That's the great thing. You just put it under the faucet and throw it up above the medicine cabinet and forget about it until next time. It's the greatest thing in the world. Hey, Rob, thank you for being here. It was a delight. My pleasure, man. This was just so much fun.

It's always great to see you and great to listen to you. Likewise, man. And we need to do this again. but we need to plug your stuff and I'm on the wrong script now. So it's the Rob Bartlett Radio Comedy Hour. Right. Is it dot com or they just search for that?

Just search for that. It's a podcast. It also is a channel on YouTube. I have some video stuff up there as well. Wherever you get your podcast, you can find it. And also, if you're interested in being coached by a true coach in show business, check him out at the, okay,

RB, tell me the, the RB Studio, the RB Studio.com. If you want to, you know, be a stand-up comic or if you want to be an actor or you are an actor and you need, or you are a stand-up comic and you just need some advice and help and coaching and I do audition prep is, is the

thrust of what it is and it's very, it seems to be helpful and I really love doing it. That's the big thing, right? It's getting through the audition. Yeah, because once you're hired, they're going to It's like getting into medical school. Once they accept you, you're pretty much going to make it in that particular job.

Yeah, you just want to show them what you can do. And I think the mistake that a lot of people make auditions, and I've been auditioning for 40-some-odd years, I still make the same mistakes. It's just, you know, we fear these things. We get all kinds of anxiety and get so nervous about them. And then you learn that they're really performances. So you just have to prep as though it was an actual performance, you know. And it's just doing research.

and doing the work. People fear rejection, so then they end up either not going or they do worse than they would have if they just weren't worried about it. Exactly. Exactly. Can you teach Jim Norton what to do with his hands when he's acting?

Because, you know, that's his number one complex. That's, he doesn't know what to do with his hands. He really doesn't. It's really, it's so funny to watch, you know. He'll find something. And what he'll do is he'll find something that he'll use every time he acts then, too. Yeah, right, right.

little signatures. Oh, yeah, that's the guy who has his hands in his pocket. Or Johnny Carson with the pencil or the cigarette. Right, right, exactly. Letterman with the pencil thrown around. Well, anyway, so it's the rb studio.com. Check him out. One of the greatest people in the world is Rob Bartlett. And I bet you don't even know, because I know you don't listen to, if you do listen to our show, you don't listen all the way to

the end. We give you a shout out at the end of every single show. No. Yep. And I'm going to We're going to, we'll do that right now. We're going to take off, Dr. Scott. You got anything else? No, hey, thanks so much, Rob. Thanks, always. Go to Dr. Scott.

Thanks, guys. The great Rob Bartler. We can't forget Rob Sprantz. Bob Kelly, Greg Hughes, Anthony Coomia, Jim Norton, Travis Teft. That Gould Girl, Louis Johnson, Paul Off Charsky, Chowdy, 1008, Eric Nagel, the pork Charlotte Horror, Rob. We sent a shout out to her every time. A Roland Campo, sister of Chris, Sam Roberts.

She Who Owns Pigs and Snakes, Pat Duffy, Dennis Falcone, Matt Kleinschmidt, Dale Dudley, Holly from the Gulf, the great Rob Bartlett. That's where yours goes. There you go. Yeah, there you go. Casey's Wet T-shirt, Carl's Deviated Septum, Patty C-Cups, Bernie and Sid. How about that? Are you still friends with them, or do we like Bernie and Sid? I haven't spoken to them in quite some time.

Okay, they had me on their show. And matter of fact, the drop at the beginning of this show is from Bernie and Sid. again, hang on. If you just read the bio for Dr. Steve, host of weird medicine on Sirius XM103, and made popular by two really comedy shows, Opie and Anthony and Ron and Pez, you would have thought that this guy was a bit of, you know,

a clown. Does that give you Spilkus hearing that voice again? I just just curious why I'm behind Roland Campos and Dennis Falcone. But perhaps I should be

happy that at least I'm ahead of kicks. He's went t-shirt. Casey's wet t-shirt is quite awesome, by the way. Martha from Arkansas's daughter, Ron Bennington, and Fez Watley, whose support of this show has never gone on. I appreciate it. Listen to our SiriusXM show on the Faction Talk channel, SiriusXM, Channel 103, Saturdays at 7 p.m. Eastern,

Sunday at 6 p.m. Eastern, on demand, and other times at Jim McClure's pleasure. Many thanks to our listeners whose voicemail and topic ideas make this job very easy. And go to our website at Dr. Steve.com for schedules and podcasts and other crap Until next time, check your stupid nuts for lumps, quit smoking, get off your asses, and get some exercise. We'll see you in one week for the next edition of Weird Medicine. Yay.