Weird Medicine: The Podcast - 548 - The "Dick" Show

Episode Date: April 30, 2023

Dr Steve, Dr Scott, Tacie and DNP Carissa discuss: Why do toenails continue to grow Toenails that have plaque Flatus talk Pain and alternative therapy, changing perspectives "John-Thomas" nicknames and facts Men are men even when deceased Ripped off nut sack Duration of orgasm Erectile frequency and more! Please visit: stuff.doctorsteve.com (for all your online shopping needs!) ed.doctorsteve.com (for your discount on the Phoenix device for erectile dysfunction) simplyherbals.net/cbd-sinus-rinse (the best he's ever made. Seriously.) roadie.doctorsteve.com (the greatest gift for a guitarist or bassist! The robotic tuner!) Also don't forget: Cameo.com/weirdmedicine (Book your old pal right now while he’s still cheap! "FLUID!" Most importantly! CHECK US OUT ON PATREON!  ALL NEW CONTENT! Robert Kelly, Mark Normand, the O&A Troika, Joe DeRosa, Pete Davidson, Geno Bisconte. Stuff you will never hear on the main show ;-) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What do you call an ostrich in a cornfield? A crop duster. How many dads does it take to change a light bulb? One to fetch the ladder. One to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb. Another to look up and say, and the rest to stand around debating charcoal versus gas. Why did the cat stop playing basketball?

It threw up too many hair balls. If you just read the bio for Dr. Steve, host of weird medicine on Sirius XM103, and made popular by two wheelie. comedy shows opian anthony and ronan and fess you would have thought that this guy was was a bit of uh you know a clown why can't you give me the respect that i'm entitled to i've got diphtheria crushing my esophagus i've got sublova i'm stripping from my nose i've got the leprosy of the heartbell exacerbating my incredible woes i want to take my brain now blasted with the wave an ultrasonic agographic and a pulsating shave i want to magic

pills, all my ailments, the health equivalent to citizen cane. And if I don't get it now in the tablet, I think I'm doomed, then I'll have to go insane. I want a requiem for my disease. So I'm paging Dr. Steve. No deal. From the world famous Cardiff Electric Network Studios, it's weird medicine, the first and still only uncensored medical show in the history of broadcast radio. Now a podcast.

I'm Dr. Steve with my little pal. Dr. Scott, the traditional Chinese medicine provider who gives me street cred with the whack alternative medicine assholes. Hello, Dr. Scott. Hey, Dr. Steve. And in the studio, taking the place of Tacey is my other partner, DnP Carissa. Hello, DnP, Carissa. Hello, Dr. Cid. She's a different kind of partner, but my partner, nonetheless.

This is a show for people who would never listen to a medical show on the radio or the internet. If you have a question, you're embarrassed to take to your regular medical provider, or if you can't find an answer anywhere else, give us a call at 3, 4, 7. 7664323.23. That's 347. Poo-Hid. Follow us on Twitter at Weird Medicine or at D.R. Scott WM. Visit our website at Dr. Steve.com for podcast, medical news and stuff. And goodbye. Most importantly, we are not your medical providers. Take everything you hear with a grain of salt. Don't act on anything you hear on the show without talking it over with your health care provider. All right. Very good. Don't forget simplyerbils.net. That's simply herbals.net. We'll be talking about it in a minute.

and stuff.doctrsteve.com. It's stu-U-F-F dot Dr.steve.com. You can just go there, click through to Amazon. It really helps us out. Or you can scroll down and see all the different things that we talk about, including the womanizer, every woman's favorite toy. And it's absolutely worth the money.

And thank you for your endorsement, DNP, Chris. Check out ed.org. dot Dr.steve.com for the Phoenix Acoustic Wave erectile dysfunction device. It is not cheap, but it's way less expensive than going and

having electro, I'm sorry, acoustic wave shockwave therapy at a med spa, and it certainly is less embarrassing than having somebody holding your junkle region while they're putting a probe up and down your member for

17 minutes. And And you can get it for, you know, $29 a month for a few months, or you can pay the whole thing off and get a discount by going to ED, as in erectile dysfunction, ed.com. And then there is our Patreon, patreon.com slash weird medicine. We just did a show the other day where we answered a bunch of medical questions from our listeners. If you send in a question there, 100% of the time will be answered. and there's different tiers and it starts off. It's really, it's inexpensive.

So check that out. Patreon.com slash Weird Medicine. We also do the exam room there. We've had the Troika of Opian Anthony. We've had Mark Norman, Chad Zumach. We've had, who else? Oh, Pete Davidson, some folks like that. So it's fun.

Patreon.com slash Weird Medicine. And then Cameo.com slash Weird Medicine. and I left my price at five bucks. I dropped it to $5 for vacation. I did a million of them over vacation, Dr. Scott. It was fun walking around St. Pete Beach and giving people medical advice or saying fluid or whatever. So check that out.

Cameo.com slash weird medicine. All right, very good. Please don't forget to check out Dr. Scott's website at simplyerbils.net. That's simplyerbils.net. And how are you doing on stock for the CBD nasal spray? Because I need some more. Actually, still pretty well, thinking. We've got enough to get us through the next couple weeks at least.

Oh, you do? Okay, well, I'll place an order on your website. Yes, please do. Official channels. I don't ever want to be without that. It's great stuff, is it? Yeah, for real. I'm very proud of what you did.

The first for everything. Well, I think you deserve. one of these. Give myself a bell. Yes. We have a new one, too. One of our listeners kids called in and she wanted to give you a bell. Give yourself a bell.

Oh, I love it. That's the best one yet, actually. I thought you would like that. Thank you. All right. Well, let's do Tacey's not here. We could do things in any order we want. We can be wild. Oh, Lord. So let's do this right now. it's time for mom swipes left has questions with jenn and carroll from the mom swipes left podcast

well why is it that when you get old all of the stuff like your hair thins your skin thins for your toenails get garganduan I actually had an incident this past week where my aunt, who is in her 80s, was walking across my mom's floor barefoot. And it sounded like a dog who needed their toes clipped. I looked at them and they're like these toenails that grow over the top of her, like around. And they actually have to go to a real doctor to cut that shot. A podiatrist. Well, real doctor is a little bit of an overstatement.

but no yes what the fuck is up with that why why do the toenails go mad is it fungus alone i don't think there was no discoloration right what is happening why is it the toenails and not any of the other positive and also while we're on that why do the ears and the nose continue to grow right what is the medical reasoning behind needing big ears and big nose when you're old dr see flea saw us thank you The answer to the second part is kind of interesting. They keep growing because there's no reason for them not to because we were designed to pass our genetic material on at the age of, you know, between 14 and 18 and then die by the time we were 30. Yep. And so there's really just not a whole lot of genetic instructions about what to do when these fucking humans live beyond.

you know, delivering babies because there's no evolutionary pressure anymore at that point. And so, yeah, you just, they just do, and it's gross, and then you get hair in weird places and stuff, and you weren't supposed to get any of that stuff, you know. And it's always the stuff that grows that you don't really want maybe those things to grow larger. Yeah, but it's become, right, right, right. Right, that's right. It would be awesome. Just one consolation of getting older would be just had a giant cock. Or at least if it would just keep growing a little bit.

I'm not asking for a lot. Anything's better than not much. Meteorrection. Instead of your dumb ears. Oh, and old ears and your nose. Oh, for good sakes, yeah. So, yeah, if you start off with a schnaws, you're going to end up with a mega schnauz. So, but on the toenails.

Do you guys want to talk about that? I mean, I know the answer to this. I mean, it is onocomycosis. Right. DnP. Carissa, you want to talk about? I'm putting it on the spot. I didn't tell you we're going to do this. You don't have to.

No, she's listening to the show before, and she knows it's coming. She's just here to listen. She's just here to have a good time. That's right. And drink the wine. And I don't have any wine. Oh, why don't you? Oh, that's the problem.

Steve didn't give me me. I'm a terrible host. What are we'll get you some. I mean, I want to talk about the fun things, not thick toenails. Yeah, well, she teaser, DNP, Carissa brought a really interesting thing to talk about today. Everyone's going to enjoy it. But so thick toenails are onychomycosis, aka fungus-infected nail beds. And what happens is when you're young, you have.

beautiful blood supply to all parts of your body, but as you get older, the, if you think about it, the toes are they sort of, what's a rural area that you could think? Well, just it's the, it's the rural North Dakota of the body, right? And doesn't get good internet service, doesn't get a lot of, you know, regular services that you expect to get resources. Resources that the rest of the United States gets right. But the toe nails are fed by capillaries at that point. You know, you have the giant aorta and it pumps blood and then it divides and it divides and it divides some more. By the time it gets down to the toes, it's just little capillaries and then it's got to reform back to form the large veins that return blood to the heart. And it's just hard to – the immune system can't surveil that area like it did when you were younger.

And so fungus can take root, and when it does, it starts building a protective housing for itself, and it makes this kind of flaky, chunky shit. And I had a fungus-infected toenail, and I finally, I went to a podiatrist, just had the thing removed and killed the nail bed, because it was just like what she was talking about. It was so disgusting. It was big, and it curled up, and there was space between it, about an inch between it and the nail bed, And that was just all this yellow flaky shit. And I don't know why I let it go as far as I did because I guess I'd just wear socks and shoes that didn't bother me.

And then I was on a parasailing. And I actually did a weird medicine minute about this. I was on a parasailing trip with my boys. And, you know, you can't wear shoes on the boat. They don't want shoes on the boat. And I'm sitting there with my bare feet. And I look down. I see this giant nail on my left, big toes.

and I see these two 17-year-old high school girls and they're just looking at me they're sitting across from me on the little, you know, on the catamaran thing and they're looking down and they're looking at my toes and they had this look of just utter disgust on their face like, ew,

old people are so gross. I love it. And as soon as I got back to the house, I cut it off my damn self and then when I got back home, I had the podiatrist remove it. I had to be shamed by, you know, high school girls before I did anything about it. It's not your wife or anybody like that.

It's some random people. And usually it would be tasty. Yeah, sure. But, you know, I'll talk to her. I'm so excited. Oh, I've got this new kombucha batch. I'm going to put, I think, apples and pears and maybe some ginger in there. And I'm so excited about it and I'm talking about it.

And all of a sudden, she'll just interrupt me and go, you need to trim your nose hair. It's like, God damn it. She's pretty good about not having much of a filter. Yeah, true. Well, particularly, if it comes to you. She's not here, so she would, I don't think she could disagree with my assessment. But that's what's going on. Your, what was that, her grandmother, her aunt.

Her aunt. Her great aunt. Her great aunt has onocomycosis. Some primary care providers can deal with this, but most of the time when they get that bad, you do need to see a podiatrist, and they are real doctors, and they just specialize in foot surgery. They're foot surgeons. And the treatment for this is probably going to be to remove them. You have the option of letting the nail grow back, and you could try putting antifungal medication on the nail bed as it grows back. back to see if you can get it to grow back normal.

But what my podiatrists that I trained with and the one that I saw said is that once that nail bed becomes disrupted with that big chunky crap, it just never forms a proper nail again. So it's better to just destroy it. Now, if you can catch it before this happens, there are topical treatments for this. You start to see a little yellow patchy area on your nail. That's the beginning of this. You can get a prescription medication that you put on every day at bedtime. It's like a toenail polish with an antifungal medication in it.

And you put it on for 48 weeks, and it will very often cure it. You can also take a pill, oral ketoconazole. And the problem of that is you've got to take it for 12 weeks. And right in the middle, you have to do blood work to make sure that the medicine isn't destroying your liver. So, yuck. Just a little off topic, too. It could be psoriatic nails. I have those.

Yes. I mean, they appear very similar. Well, I don't really know what to say other than they can appear like the thicken nails that you see. But it's actually caused by. Black psoriasis on the nail bed. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, yeah, if there's any chance that she has psoriasis,

Very good. Oh, D&P, Chris. Okay, yeah. Give thyself a bell. Damn it. One to one. I don't know what I've got. I got Sean's keeping numbers for me.

Is he? Oh, yeah. The fluid family. That's right. Sean's going to be in studio. I heard that. I think in August. Yeah, August.

That's cool. Yeah, so that'll be fun. We talk about him enough. Make sure we show up. He's my, my Rochester buddy. He went to the. creep off roast. He and Amanda Davidson both. And we had Greg Rogers there, too, which, by the way, I tweeted out his YouTube channel. He does a ORS at the movies or something. I'm sorry, Greg. I've already forgot what it is, but I'll put a link somewhere. But it's on my Twitter. They do a really cool movie review show, DNP Carissa. You would be interested in this, I think. They take like shite movies like Battlefield Earth. And then they talk about it. about how in the hell did this thing even get made and all the politics behind the scenes and

stuff? It was really interesting. So I'll put a link in the description if I remember. Well, you put it in your notes to remind me to do that. Just Greg's show. But anyway, now fuck, I forgot. Oh, yeah. Sean and Amanda both went to the creep off roast, which if you want to hear my part of the creep off roast, I'm going to eventually put it up on YouTube. Vinnie Paulino gave me permission to just put my part up. And I still don't have the video. The video would be more fun, but I've got the audio. But right now you can hear it on our Patreon at patreon.com slash weird medicine. It's worth it just for that. And then he came to the Rochester WATP event that got me in all kinds of trouble. But anyway, it was still a fun

event we all had a good time so and uh okay so where are we um onico mycosis psoriotic uh my or long noses and what is that called if it's soriatic soriatic so you have onico mycosis so is it onico what what is the medical term for soriatic nails sorry that's it something gets there's no fancy name gotta be oh well there probably is we can make one up There has to be a name for it. Well, okay, yeah, I'm nail psoriasis. I'm a damn idiot.

Okay, I'll give both of you. Give myself a bell. Yes. All right. Call Carissa Nails. Yes. I will just make them. Can we see your nails at some point?

This is the one. I mean, tell me that doesn't look like. Like, well, it's a radio show. It looks like she bent her nail backwards. Really? Yeah, on the corner of it. Yeah, it's quite, it looks like. Really?

You know how, kind of when you bend your nail backwards? It kills just the corner of it. It doesn't look fungal. You can see this one starting. It's not gross. Now, I don't want her touching me or within three feet of me, but it doesn't look gross or anything. Because you're worried. No, really, it doesn't look bad.

Nothing like those toes. I can't chat let her see. I have a toenail, too. Oh, gross. Ew. No, it doesn't look bad at all. It doesn't look bad. Okay, so did you have something today?

Yes, let's see. Where is it? Oh, boy, we are. Oh, wait, don't. You want to talk about the fart proudly thing? Yeah, if you want to. I think that's a good one. It's Benjamin Franklin wrote a treatise.

Yes. He wrote a treatise about farting, and I read it. But I don't think passing flattice. You know what, it would be perfect if we would have read this, and you could have your AI do it in the proper language. Because the way he wrote it is, I have perused your late mathematical prize question proposed in lieu of one natural philosophy for the ensuing year. Permit me to humbly propose one of that sort of your consideration. And through you, if you approve it, for the serious inquiry of learned physicians chemist.

Can you please stop bullshitting? And all he's doing, he's just talking about having gas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just... He was, he thought that they were a little bit too serious for themselves. They were too cool for the room. And he sent a scientific treatise on passing Flatus. So it's hilarious.

Good for him. So maybe we'll do that. We'll input it to the voice AI and see if it makes it a lot better than me. A lot better than me, reading. Because to me, I was about to put myself to sleep listening from me, Rita. Well, at least you recognize that. There you go. All right.

You had another one? Yeah, we did have another one. This is a little bit more in our, I guess, range or sweet spot, yeah, wheelhouse. So this is about chronic pain, and it's in the, like, journal of rheumatology. But it's talking about chronic opioids and a false dream of mass anesthesia. Okay. And what this is talking about, just in a nutshell, these doctors have gotten together and actually written a book. And they're talking about the perception of pain and how vital that is to treating pain.

Right. Because back in the 90s, you know, when you were practicing back then, it was about keeping people healthy and treating their pain appropriately. Yeah. And they started using a lot of the opiates and narcotics because they were told that they were not addictive, et cetera. Right. Right. Right. What we were told is if the patient has real pain, they won't get addicted to it.

Yeah. And of course, we know that that's a much more challenging thing than just appeal. So I really like this article, but the bottom line is, and what I took from this article was that something that I do a lot, and I know you guys do a lot, has actually talk to patients about their perception of pain and their ability to work with the pain they have, work with the pain that they're going to probably have to live with once it becomes chronic. And it's a tough discussion a lot of times Because it's not just a pill

And it's not just an acupuncture needle It's not just an epidural or surgery A lot of times it's all of these things put together And that's why it's so vital to have a comprehensive team Well, what I've always told people is You know, the Romans used to just line up in a line When they went to war Okay

And then the other side would line up in a line And they had these rules and then they would go at each other and, you know, poke each other with swords and stuff like that. And then these, the vandals or whoever it was came in, said, this is stupid. Let's just run around the side and attack them from behind. And the Romans rebel is, that's, you know, that's not fair. And it began the end of the Roman Empire.

That's not a civil war. They couldn't, right. That's right. That's right. Civil war. So if we're going to treat pain, we can't just treat it by life. up and doing this, you know, one thing. We need to do lots of different things.

And a multifaceted approach to pain relief, including, you know, managing expectations as well. Because D&P, Chris and I, and actually, well, and you work in the pain clinic yourself, we have to tell people that we're, you know, our goal is to improve function and quality of life, but not necessarily to eradicate the pain. Only treatment of the underlying condition could do that. Yeah. And that's one thing I speak of a lot is that, you know, sometimes you just have to change your expectations. You know, if something is broken and it is not fixable, we just have to learn to work with it.

And that doesn't mean do nothing. It doesn't mean do nothing. No, it's just like me playing music. I know I'm never going to be great. I have a very limited skill set, but I'm still going to do what I can with what it is, you know. Well, and you've seen my back. And then I supplement it with you. Most people want.

Here that follow me on Twitter, I've seen my stupid bag. And, you know, a year ago, I was walking around on a cane. And then at one point, I was having to crawl upstairs. So I never took an opioid for it. And I'm not saying, ooh, look at me, you know, all, ooh. But I was able to manage it with, and I still, I have pain every day, but it doesn't affect my quality of life. It doesn't affect my enjoyment of life one bit anymore. And so it can be managed.

And I am concerned that if I had gotten on the opioid rotation, that it would, you know, you develop tolerance and then you need more. And then you take so much that you get this thing called opioid hyperalgesia, which actually makes the pain worse, the more opioids you take. And that's very difficult to manage. And can we stop right there? Because that is so parallel to what we're talking about with your perception of the pain because the hyperalgesia from taking an excessive. amounts of opioids gives you an inflated perception of pain. That's right. So when we treat it, you know, if I, if I have someone come in that does not have in-stage

cancer related pain. Right. That has, and again, and we've seen it, of course, we don't see it like we used to, but a backache. They hurt, you know, they're back hurts. So they've been taking these things. And, man, they'll get, they'll get so bad and so sensitive that you can barely touch their skin.

Right. Without them just screaming, oh, God, what are you doing to me? Right. And it's just a very difficult thing. So it was nice to see this article today. And listen, we're not in any way demeaning chronic pain patients because we work with chronic pain patients. We want to make them better. I do have people come in and say, well, my pain's a 10 out of 10 and they're cracking jokes and stuff like that.

And Chris, I know you see this too. And I will sort of reset their scale. It's like, well, it's 10 on their scale. But let's let me put it on my scale. And a 10 for me is you are in the Civil War, you just got shot through and through the, you know, the femur with a musket ball, and now they're sawing off your leg with a rusty saw without anesthesia. That's a 10. So on that scale, where is your pain? And that helps me to sort of understand where they are.

And they go, oh, well, on that scale, I'm a 5. And so, you know, we all use different scales. We've got to be real careful about calibrating those scales. But anyway, yes, very good. There is hope for chronic pain management. We're actually writing an article about cannolidine right now, which is a novel non-opioid pain medication that looks like it's going to be very interesting going forward. So more on that as time goes on.

Okay, let's get to some dicks and nuts. Most assuredly dicks. DNP Carissa you brought with us. Oh, no. Something very interesting. I did. I brought 99 facts about Dix. Okay. Awesome. Is that what the article actually says? 99 thought-provoking.

Oh, okay. You did that. Much better. Yours was much better. All right. I have 99 problems, but a dick's not one. Thank goodness. This topic's very interesting, though, to me. Is it? Okay, very good. Should I get my Phoenix Erectile Dysfunction

Acoustic wave therapy thing out during this? Well, I don't think it's necessary to do it now, but you can hold it up. So we can see it. Scott wanted to help me out. Yeah, we want to see it. Both hands, both hands. Yeah.

Does it take both? I think it takes both. Yeah, yes, actually. All right, let's see. What's you got? Well, I mean, the first one would just be an alternate name for a penis. Okay.

So, I mean, I don't have a penis. I've heard some of these. Adolf. Adolf. What? Yeah. Think about that for a second. Hmm.

Hmm. Yeah. One that Amanda had to explain to me today is a baloney pony. Yes, baloney pony. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Is that fried bologna? These are terrible names.

That's awful. I had never heard of any of these. I had never heard of any of these. Over two. I'm over two, too, too. Yeah. Correct. But then you have.

Where is this article come from? Mars. Mars. I think she's making this. I'm making these up. So, yeah, I was just curious if you all had ever heard of these nicknames. Okay, let's hear some more. Give us some more.

I have not a disco stick. I've heard that. You have? Yes. O for three. I have not heard of a disco stick. It doesn't even make sense. Correct.

A skin flute. Yes, of course. A spit stick. No, never heard that one. A third leg. Yes. So I have a story about third leg. Okay.

Back in the CB days when I was selling CB radios before I went to medical school, the I-806 or whatever used to go right by our store. And so I would get on the CB and mess with. the trucker's on Channel 19. And so they called women beavers, right? So there's a beaver out, you know, hitchhacking on the road, a bar, and all this stuff. And so just remember that, that they called women beavers. So I got on and I was singing, I was singing to them, I like you, no matter what you do.

And then I would say, hi, I'm Mr. CB, and I just washed my hands after going Tinkle. you should always have good hand hygiene and then I would let go with the thing and you would hear all these truckers all at once and you'd hear get that three-legged beaver off of her Oh my God Three-legged beaver

Wow So all I can think about is the movie Airplane when What's his name? Looking up at Priscilla And she's climbing in the letter says Nice beaver You know she's picking that beaver

And she's picking the beeper out of the canvas so stupid. Lindsay, Lindsay Nelson, right? Yeah, Lindsay Nielsen. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Thank you. So anyways, there's a ton.

Let's hear a few more. Let's do a few more. Then we'll then go to number two. I mean, okay, cock. Oh, okay. Right. A cum gun. Yeah, correct.

A yogurt gun. Yeah. Terrible. No food analogies. No. Whenever I would have a resident, they would say, the patient passed a stool about the size of a small orange. It's like, oh, my God, I'm not going to be able to eat an orange for two weeks.

So no more food analogies. Oh, but one more, a meat stick. Yeah, I've heard that. Hard down, yeah. The other one's not so much. No. Yeah. Whatever happened to just John Thomas or Shaleli or something like that?

All right. That's because I'm 100 years old. All right, what else you got? Well, the human penis is larger than that of any other primate, both in terms of proportion to body size and in absolute terms. So if I had a, like a chimp or for a girlfriend, she would be impressed by my penis rather than the way the humans. That's one way to look at it.

Yeah, okay, that's good enough. Okay. Oh, I'll keep that in mind. Future reference. Speaking of. And you're desperate. What the hell? Squirrel monkeys and male baboons. Yes.

Will gesture with an erect penis as a threat to predators or as a sign of impending danger. Really? Yeah. So if a tiger or a lion is stalking them, they'll get a rod and wave it around. Apparently. That would make it tough to run, though, wouldn't it? For us, it would. But apparently, ours is much bigger than theirs.

It is evidently, yes. Obviously, the... Interesting. Apparently. The average erect penis size is between 5 to 6 inches. And a flaccid penis is around 3.5 inches. Unless you got the shrinkage. Mm-hmm.

Shringage. And DNP, Chris, are you familiar with Dr. Steve's rule? Nope. For every 35 pounds of weight that you lose, you reclaim one inch of penis length. This is linear between... about 300 pounds and 150 pounds. So it's a linear relationship at that point now, at much higher weights,

you're starting with negative numbers, and then at much lower weight, she just can't get any bigger. And the other thing that I found interesting when I was sort of researching this topic is your penis is actually way longer than you think it is. Because half of it's inside you.

Yes, very good. Give thyself a bell. Damn it. Lucky yes. I've learned a lot about Dick in the last little bit That's the iceberg concept, right? Yeah, yes, right.

But it doesn't do you any good because you can't thrust with the penis that's actually inside your body. No. You go, no, I'm really... Do we get to count it though when we're talking about it? No. No, because there are some guys

that measure their penis length from their anus. No. And it's like, oh, I'm 12. inches. It's like, well, you just got a big ass. Correct. Measure from the base of the

pubis where you see it coming out of the skin. That's where you measure from. And measure it erect, for God's sake. Well, speaking of... And then multiply that too. Yeah. Do you know what the smallest natural

human penis ever recorded was? Oh, no, I can't imagine. I mean... It's shocking. Is it? Really? Five-eighths of an inch. Oh, the poor bastard.

Yeah. The largest. You get nothing. Yikes. Correct. The longest erect penis on record is 13 inches. Damn. That's almost as bad.

Can you imagine? Yeah. No. All the blood just rushing out of your head every time you get an erection, you start getting faint. I mean, fair. We could calculate the volume of a 13. 13 inch cylinder and figure out how much blood is in there.

Yeah, you guys talk. Give us some more, and I'm going to calculate the volume. I was going to say somewhere in these facts, too, it tells me an average amount of blood that is required. Okay, yeah. I don't know where that is. I'll let you know when I get to it. I'm also skipping over lots of these. I just do the good ones.

You're good. Yeah, just do it ones. Well, what's good to me and what's good to a man may be different. You have a point. Yes. Men who have been hanged often get a death erection known as angel lust. Angel lust. I never heard him call it that.

Correct. I knew that happened, but I didn't know that's what they called it. It is from stimulation of the parasympathetic nervous system due to compression of the spinal cord at the cerebellum. Is that what it is? Does it say? Okay. All right. In gravity.

And gravity. All right. Fun fact. Fun fact. It's parisempathetic. What a nerd I am. Yes. Correct.

Hey, how wide do you think this 13-inch penis is? Do you think it's more than two and a half inches? Didn't we talk about that before you can actually, there's a medical equation. Well, there is to figure out the circumference. Okay. But are we going to say 2.5 inches in diameter? That's it. That's average.

At least, yeah. Probably should go up a little bit. Oh, okay. So it is 63.81 cubic inches. So what is that in milliliters? What is 63? I'm sure this is fascinating. 63 cubic inches in milliliters.

Do you know what the average speed of ejaculation is? I do not. 36. Holy moly. It's a thousand forty-eight. It's a leader of blood. Oh, geez. Oh, my God.

That's a lot of blood. That's a lot of blood. That's a lot of blood. Holy shit. Oh, my God. I love to masturbate. I love to masturbate. Okay.

Wow. 1,048 milliliters. That's incredible. That's a lot. I said, think of a two-liter bottle, a half of that of blood in your penis. Pretty sure you'd be lightheaded. How can you do that multiple times a day? Yeah, if you have seven, right, well, that's a whole other thing.

But if you have seven liters of blood, it's one seventh of your blood is in your cock. It's a lot. Wow. Oh, Chris. Yes. Well, what topics you've... No, this is awesome. So, the average speed of ejaculation.

30 seconds. Now, you mean the velocity of it shooting out onto somebody? Correct. Okay, so I know the answer to this because I've seen it. So I would say three feet per second. Give me a miles per hour. Oh, God. Miles per okay.

Okay. What is three feet per second? I would say two miles an hour. Hang on. Let me see what that says. No. Dang it. It says two miles an hour.

That's what that would be. Three feet per second. So maybe it took less than three seconds. I mean one second to go that three feet. What is the answer? 28 miles per hour. No. Get the hell out of here.

I'm serious. Had an alcohol in something. Wow I wonder how they measure that That's got to be somebody with urethral stenosis You know It's holding on to it for dear life And then they let it off

And it's like a Yeah like you're doing a hose or something Yeah like a water hose, yeah I mean that's the average speed The reason I came up with three feet in a second But that would be one one thousandths That'd be looping no it was almost instantaneous So I'm just thinking of something

We're going to have to check our sources. You know, you notice how the good thing about Tacey's topic time shows she always gives credit to her sources. That's right. I'm not so sure. She just does the headline and then... CNN News. Right. A man fell off a bridge.

CNN News. Well, I'm sorry. I'll just leave. A man has a leader of blood in his penis. Carissa. Right. Okay. I'm going to...

That's very interesting. Interesting. I would have said if I had thought about that a little bit more, maybe six miles an hour because it would have been three feet in a third of a second. And I have a reason for that, but anyway, we don't have to go into it. Oh, God. Oh, my God. All right, what do you got?

Nothing. That's it? Apparently. No, don't let him do that. Oh, no, no. I'm not talking around anything. She's on the roll. No, you humiliated.

Oh, I'm sorry, Chris. I'm so sorry. Okay, what are you got? she's mad at me now well one you kind of touched on already that the spinal the signal to ejaculate does not come from a man's brain but rather it's sent from the spinal cord that is correct and you know how we know that

you can take a brain dead guy and this has been done in the ICU and if you stimulate him properly he will get an erection and you can continue to stimulate him and you can get him to ejaculate Now, why would you ever do that? It just shows that, man, even brain dead, we can still, you know, get a rod. But there have been times when people wanted to collect a semen sample,

either for forensic purposes or to do in vitro fertilization later. And that has been done before. So, yeah, it's the... Well, they'll lots to do with pairs sometimes if they want to, someone's... With what? With parrots, if something's paraplegic, if they want to have children, they can actually do that. Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah.

So, yeah, that's a good point. I mean, it's a good thing. It's a good thing. And, well, of course, it is. So that wasn't in question, but. It's a no-brainer. Oh, boy. Oh, there we go.

Okay. Hey, we knew we had her here for something. That was it. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! The, yes, and if anybody is interested, the parasympathetic nervous system makes the erection happen, and the sympathetic nervous system makes the ejaculation happen. And the way to remember that is point and shoot. So, you know, point and shoot, P for parasympathetic, S for sympathetic.

So that's how they taught it to us in medical school. Yeah, Ryan was just saying the same thing. Ryan Cloud on... Oh, he did? Yeah, oh, good. Parasympathetic points, sympathetic shoots. Yeah, very good. Cool.

Yep, I'm glad to hear they're still teaching that one. All right, what do you got? Well, you know Latin. Do I? I don't know, do you? No, not really, but I'd love to see if we can dope it out. What's up? The word masturbate is a combination of two Latin words.

I'm going to guess master and bait. Those Latin words? Nope. I am Latin. Nope. What is this? I'm not even going to attempt to pronounce this one word. Come on, give it a go.

You can do it. But basically, both words mean hand and to defile, which together means to defile with the hand. So, man's in, you're looking it up. So your genius mind will tell us that I'm having that. Oh, nominative masturbati. The noun of action from the past part of simple stem of Latin masturbati means to masturbate. Deliberate erotic self-stimulation. Okay, very interesting.

Well, there you all know about how erotic it is. Oh, too-bodhi is to unsettle or to throw into disorder. So mastubari is to use your hand to throw yourself into disorder. and I think that's a very a good way of putting it. Interesting. Yeah, good. Thank you.

Interesting. Good job. Good job. We love it. All right, what else you got? We got time for a couple more. You're curating these very well. 99.

We're about eight down. Yeah, that's why. She'll have 91. Well, we can do part two. as well. No, I'm never coming back here with you, motherfuckers. I'm done. This is why I don't have a dick. This is why.

He's the mean one. I was nice. No, it's all my fault. I'm sorry. He's the asshole. I'm a jerk. Having sex at least once a week can lower a man's risk of heart disease by 30%. Stroke by 50% and diabetes by 40%. I'm going to die. Men with an active sex life

are also more likely to live past 80 years. Fuck, I'm doomed. You're so screwed. Oh, God, I'm doomed. To maintain a healthy tone, the penis needs to have erections regularly. Without regular erections, penile tissue can become less elastic and shrink up to one to two centimeters. Mucous membrane, bro. However, the brain does have an automatic penis maintenance function.

My jokes don't go over. I don't care. Everybody, I don't care. He does not care. Sorry It's okay, you don't care Neither do I Well

All right So, okay We've established I'm terminally ill What else you got? Nothing Seriously? Okay

Really? No, it just depends If we're on good behavior We'll be nice, I promise I'll probably be in those pretty soon too Depends kid.

All right. This has turned into a mad house. The shit show. That's awesome. I'm enjoying it. We got to... I love it.

Why were Kellogg's cornflakes originally? Oh, I know this. Okay, good. Do you know? Of course you do. Do you know? I don't know what the end of the...

Okay. Ask it, finish the question. Sorry, I was doing a... What were Kellogg's Cornflakes? I was doing a jeopardy thing. It was interrupting. Why were they originally a I'll give you a clue.

It has something to do with the topic. I'm not even going to guess. I give up. You would think it was for bowel movement, but it wasn't. He was trying, Kellogg apparently was weird about sex stuff, and he was trying to use cornflakes to prevent masturbation or self-pleasure. Is that correct? Correct.

Yeah, I'll give myself. Look, you get it. Give yourself a bill. I love that one. Give myself one. That's good stuff. I wonder why he thought that would work, though. Well, I'm going to take corn and make flakes, dry it out, and make flakes, and somehow that's going to keep people from playing with their penises.

John Kellogg thought that the problem of masturbating could be solved by keeping body heat out of the penis by monitoring food and that a bland diet would help curb masturbation. Huh. Okay. Yeah, that was interesting. Well, he missed the mark, but I think he made a couple billion dollars selling some corn flakes out there. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Good for him.

That's what we refer to as a good miss. Yeah. Well, yes. So it was Viagra. Viagra was initially considered to be a blood pressure medication. And it didn't do so much for that. It made people lightheaded. And so it wasn't a great blood pressure medicine, but they were all reporting, oh, God, all of a sudden,

I'm having these giant erections. And they were like, hmm. And now you have to do another study, though. You can't use the blood pressure study to get approval for your drug for erectile dysfunction. Now you've got to start all over again with that as being the target outcome. So might as well get some science in here. Science. Nothing I have is science.

Other than it takes around 130 M.Ls of blood for a penis to stiffen. Well, unless you have a 13-inch blood. Correct. Then you need a liter. It's 10 times. That's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unlike your ears and your nose, your penis stops growing in your 20s.

God damn it. Yes. The penis can break. Yes. We, yes. Have you ever had somebody break a penis? Have you ever seen one? I have.

Yeah. In your life or in your practice? Don't answer. No. I mean, you can answer if you want to. I was responsible. Oh, you were responsible for it? You want to talk about it?

Okay. That's fine. Just as long as it's not a habitual thing, I think it's okay. Yeah, she just reaches out and snap, thanks. Yeah. However, it's apparently more flexible than you would think. Yes. Like during missionary, it can turn shape into like a boomerang.

And well, and when this happens a lot of times is when the woman is on top and she's controlling the thrusting and the guy might have a little whiskey dick or, you know, not a full, monstrous, you know, ballpark Frank in the microwave type erection. And if she thrust down and he isn't quite aligned up perfectly, and instead of entering whatever orifice they're working with, it bends, you can bend it enough to where the sheath, the sort of fiber sheath on the inside of the, you know, that surrounds a penis right under the skin will actually break. Yeah, you can hear popping or cracking sound. Yep, yep.

And you also hear screaming. And you'll see the guy, you know, holding his junkle region with his hands and going, get me some ice and get me to the emergency room. And you should do that because if you go, if you get early treatment, don't be embarrassed. They are used to seeing everything in the emergency room. And again, you can just say you sat on it or whatever. You slam the door on it, whatever, if you don't want to tell the whole story. and they'll agree to just pretend that that's really what happened. And those common fictions we agree on, it's fine for safe face-saving.

But get it treated because early treatment is the way to go. And the same is true for Priapism, too. If you take Viagra and you do your business and you complete the transaction and you still have an erection and it will not go down, that's a medical emergency. After about four hours, it will become intensely. painful. And you need to treat that soon so you don't have permanent damage. Now, the fractured penis, when it heals, there will be scar tissue there. And the penis will then

bend in the direction of the scar tissue because it's inelastic compared to the sheath. And that is called Peroni's disease and that is also now treatable. But getting that taken care of sooner rather than later. D.N.P. Carissa, you weren't here. There was a story that I read when I was medical examiner up in Vermont and what happened was this guy died but he

was masturbating in a factory where they had like pulleys and bands like I don't know what it was like a print shop or something but it had a big long leather band that was being driven

by a bunch of pulleys but it was exposed and he was rubbing his jungle region on this band and what happened was the wheel caught the skin of his scrotum and went like that and flew his

right testicle right out the window he was so embarrassed that he took a stapler and stapled the skin shut and then just finished his shift in abject pain showed up in the emergency room three or four days later with a big giant abscess

in his scrotum, and he eventually went on to die. So if something like that happens to you, if your testicle goes flying out the window, it's fine to just say, hey, I was just standing there and it happened. But go get help. Don't be embarrassed so that you put your life in danger. If you got a cucumber stuffed up your ass, light bulb in your vagina, any of those things, go to the emergency room, just tell them you sat on it, or you don't know what the hell happened, but get it taken care of.

Because you can't take care of it yourself at that point. If you've lost anyone that's ever put a suppository up their ass, you know, when you start pushing it up, and then all of a sudden it goes, bloop, and it goes, it's gone. It's gone. That's the same thing that happens when you take a cucumber and try to shove it up your ass. You'll get up so far, and if you go a little bit too far, the muscle of the, you know, that sphincter of the anus will grab it, and it'll go right up,

and there's nothing you can do about it. And you can't shit it back out. You have to go get it taken care of. Allegedly, right. Now, what we recommend is don't. Personal experience. I think you've read about this. Oh, okay.

I've seen these things. I mean, I saw a guy. He knows a little too much about this. I saw an x-ray of a guy with 12 Barbie heads up his ass. Oh. Yeah, 12 Barbie heads. Now, what kind of pathology caused that to happen? Right?

So what we recommend is don't let these things happen. Vegetables are not made for showing up your ass. Vegetables are made for eating and they're in a nice salad. But they do make things at, you know, intimate treasures or romantic escapades or whatever, you know, story you have near you, Adam and Eve, that if you're interested in ass play, that are safe to use for that. So. For the most part. For the most part. That's right.

Use everything with fair with a consenting partner. Unless D&P, Krista, snaps it in half. Then you're in trouble. Good Lord. I do kind of want to hear that story now. Maybe after show. That's it. Hey, Chrissa, you got any other ones for us?

The average man has five erections a day, which can last from a few seconds to a few hours. Yeah, that's probably right. Are we including nocturnal? Nope. Oh, that's just regular. Mm-hmm. That's just during the day. Well, I remember those days.

Scott, what do you think of that one? Does that sound about right to you? You're still young. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I've just... I've never even think about that, yeah. Yeah, I've just excised that from my...

Yeah, I don't think about this anymore. I'm too old. Too damn old. Never too old. All right, what else you got? Didn't you, did you have another one? In regards to orgasm. Okay, let's hear that one.

The average male orgasm lasts six sex and seven. Six what? Sexans. Six seconds in comparison to the female that has an average of 23 seconds. Okay. Yeah, all of that for six. Six seconds. Yeah, I will attest that I exceed that by quite a bit.

But it does seem like a lot of work just for an average of six seconds. I mean, the being nice, the asking questions and attentive listening and all that. Acting like you're concerned. Bullshit. Acting. There's the key word. Acting like you care whether they have an orgasm. We all know the truth here.

Oh, my gosh. Well, that was delightful. I think you did a wonderful job. Thank you for... Thank you, yes, Chris. You did great. You're going to get you guys. Scott, did you have anything from the fluid family?

No fluid. I think everybody was so intrigued with Chris's topic. I enjoyed that. Hell, I'm talking about... Certainly garnered a lot of interest. Can you bring 99 fun facts about tits next time? Sure. Or vaginas.

Or vaginas. I mean, you know. Okay. Tits and vaginas. Then Scott will bring 99 things about shit and just take the whole room down. There you go. Stool talk with Dr. Scott. That's right.

All right. I mean, nothing wrong with that. Dr. Scott can actually detect constipation by feeling your wrist, which is amazing. That is true. And I've seen it. It's amazing. I can't do it here. This is like a party trick.

Yeah. Oh, she's holding out her room. But now, you have to... The worst thing she has right now is insomnia. Okay. And she's fatigued. What fuck are you doing to me? No, I'm curious.

No, you are. Yeah. Liver blood's low. See, they feel different pulses than we do. bizarre. Would you just say my liver? Yeah. Blood is low. It's just part of your fatigue. Isn't that something?

I'm telling you. You better sleep. I do. Yes, you do. I didn't sleep any last night. I can tell. Yeah. It's like a, it's like a magic trick. It is kind of odd. I can deal prostate issues, pregnancies, you name it. Well, and you know, I have a weird six cents. That's very interesting.

Well, she's not listening to me. I'm listening to Scott. She's fascinated with you. You could come over I am. I find that very fascinating. You could come over here and point exactly where my hip hurts. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, I have a weird sixth sense about that where if somebody tells me they're hurting, I can feel it kind of in my fingers and I know exactly where to put my hands to elicit that pain. And that is, I think that's just knowing the anatomy and just doing it so much that it becomes part of your worldview. But that feeling the pulse shit that's going to does. Yeah, what the fuck did you just?

He saw me one time, and I was seeing him for something else, and he felt my pulse. He said, oh, you're constipated. It's like, yes. I mean, I've never constipated, but I am. I hadn't told anybody. It's not like I run around and say, well, I can't move my bowels. But he detected it immediately. It was crazy.

So I got some mad skills. I think it's some sort of, you know, cold reading part. trick. Oh, I'm detecting the letter J. Is the letter J meaning?

Okay, but you didn't know I didn't sleep unless I just look like shit. No, but you don't look like shit, that's the thing. I put caffeinated eye cream on so it makes my eyes

look away. No, you can, those are very specific things you can tell the pulse if you know what you're reading. It's wild. How do you put them all together? Yeah,

it's practice. I've only been doing 25 years. Yeah. I'm very impressed. I've only been alive 25 years. Hmm.

I'm just fucking kidding. We know. Oh, thanks. Well, that's because you're an idiot. All right. Well, thank you, DNP, Carissa. You are delightful. Thanks for being here in the studio today. Dr. Scott. Thank you, my friend. Thank you. As always. And thanks to everyone who made the show happen over the years. Listen to our Sirius XM show on the Faction Talk channel.

Sirius XM Channel 103 Saturdays at 7 p.m. Eastern, Sunday at 6 p.m. Eastern on demand and other times at Jim McClure's pleasure. Well, I forgot to talk about my pneumonia. You know, all that coughing and hacking I've been doing? It turns out I had fucking pneumonia. And I had to drive to Tampa while Tacey and Beck flew down because I was coughing so bad. And they put me on antibiotics the day I left. And then, you know, by the time I was down there a few days, got better. And I've been better ever since. You didn't look like you had pneumonia on. Oh, well, they repeated my CT scan and, you know, that part of my lung that's dead, is still dead. And then I had ground glass opacities on the right side, which also could be cancer.

So, you know, I got to repeat it in three months and make sure it's gone. So, F me, if it is. And then, you know, my bucket list kicks in. I've got a damn bucket list, y'all. And this show's going to change a little bit if your old bell, Dr. Steve's got to go through that. because I got some shit to say. But anyway, but we'll see how that goes. Anyway, many thanks to our listeners whose voicemail and topic ideas make this job very easy.

Go to our website at Dr. Steve.com for schedules, podcasts, and other crap. Until next time, check your stupid nuts for lumps. Quit smoking it off your asses, get some exercise. We'll see you in one week for the next edition of weird medicine. Thank you.