Weird Medicine: The Podcast - Classic Weird Medicine: Big Jo Hurricane

Episode Date: April 11, 2019

A classic episode of Weird Medicine wherein Big Jo is pranked during a fizzled hurricane, some questions are answered, and more. All past episodes are available through a subscription at premium.doctorsteve.com. For $1.99/month access to the complete library, including premium content is yours. Use offer code FLUID for 3 months at $1/month! Don't forget stuff.doctorsteve.com and simplyherbals.net for all your shopping needs! Next week: all new episodes and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Weird Medicine with Dr. Steve on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. It's your old pal, Dr. Steve. I recently bought a car, and during the process, I thought to myself, there has to be a better way. What a pain. Then I heard about Truecar.com, a new way to buy a car. At Truecar.com, you actually see what others paid for the car you're looking for in your area. So you know when you're getting a great price. I went to Truecar.com and found I would have saved $2,000.

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Yo-ee-Yo-Yo! You'll take the careful Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho To the brain It's weird medicine First and still only uncensored medical show in the history of radio, now a podcast. I'm Dr. Steve with my little pal of GVAC, cackling hyena with titanium turds. Hello, GVAC.

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monthly visit five pieces of baloney water bottle. I don't know why it's a water bottle. It makes no sense, but my nine-year-old thinks that's hilarious. Perfect. Well, nay, she's

funny. And so now he has a water bottle with his grandmother on it going five patients of proud bologna's a malice knife. Most importantly, we are not your medical providers. Take everything here with a grain of salt. Don't act on anything you're on the show without talking it over with your doctor, nurse practitioner, physician, physician, pharmacist, chiropractor, acupuncturist, yoga master, or whatever. So, wow, what was that?

Did you do that? No, I didn't touch a thing. Okay. Maybe that mic stand, I moved, fell. That could be it. Yeah, Gback is trying to destroy the studio. by a little. I'll get this, I'll wreck this place. The last thing I do. So I was mentioning my mother-in-law, and then I'm going to mention my sister. I'm just going to piss off everybody in my family day. I've got my nieces on the line right now. Oh, boy. And we'll get to her in a minute because we talked about traumatic stress and how that can affect your life. And I was talking about a traumatic thing that happened to me. Well, let's just do it now since I'm getting into it. That happened to me when I was 10. She's.

So, and this is my niece, Holly. Hello, Holly. Hello. Hello. People will know Holly's voice, as she was at one time, played a character on the show called Shannon from South Florida. Oh. And that was back when we didn't have as many phone callers and listeners as we do now. We kind of needed a phone call every once in a while.

And I never asked her to do it, but she just called in with these really. fucked up questions. Took it upon herself to help the cause. Yeah, and she was one of the few callers that we could make fun of because we knew she was my niece. Right. And it's fun to make fun of people, but I've always promised that if people call in here with a serious question, I'm not going to fuck with them.

I never want anybody to feel sorry that they called, but Shannon from South Florida was an exception to that. Okay. I think we called her asshole the black hole at the center of the galaxy or something like that at one point. I can't remember because she asked some stretchy. asshole question. But anyway, so

this is how I remember it. We were walking, I even remember exactly, we were in Grand Rapids, Michigan, walking down, and I know exactly, I could drive you to the intersection right now. It was off our neighborhood. I can't remember why we were walking there, but we were walking down from where my junior high school was

back to my house. And my niece is two, and she, faws down and she starts crying right and my sister doesn't even go to pick her up and oh holly are you okay she just turns to me why did you push her down and i'm like i didn't push her down what the hell are you talking about now first off this little girl was she was more like my sister than anything and i loved her so much i mean i was eight when she was born it was like oh i'm an uncle i'm an uncle i was just so excited right right absolutely my face still is my favorite my favorite person on the face of this earth.

I assume your sister's older than you. Yes, 14 years older than me. This is her daughter. Oh, okay. This is her daughter. Yeah. Oh, okay. All right.

Out of wedlock, right, Chowdy? Oh, no, they were actually married. My sister was on one month. Oh, yeah, I got pregnant out of bed. She got married when she was one month's pregnant. All right. I don't get it. Then divorce after six months.

There you go. Yeah, it was very functional. So, um, so. No, no judgment. Really, I don't, it's whatever. But we all have to get through in different ways. And I, you know, I made the joke the other day in church that I'd been married to my wife longer than I'd ever been married to anybody. Did that go over like a lead balloon?

No, they, I mean it on Facebook, too. Yeah, I did. Well, I was, yeah. But it was because I was in a Methodist church. They thought it was hilarious. Oh, okay. Certain churches wouldn't have been so funny. I was going to say a Baptist church.

I don't know if what it went over is. Well, and her uncle refused to marry us because I'd been married before. Really? Well, he only knew I'd been married once before. If he'd known I'd been married twice before, well, anyway, I needed practice. I needed practice to get good at it. That's my line. But anyway.

So, but anyway, yeah, so my sister just turns to me immediately and just says, why did you push her down? And I'm like, I didn't do anything. And then Holly has to live with this crazy person. So it's like Stockholm syndrome. She's going to identify with her tormentor. And so she just looks at me and says, He pushed me!

And I'm still mad about it. And to this day, if someone accuses me of something that I didn't do, you know, if I'm doing something, it's bad enough. But if I didn't do it and I get accused of it, my ex used to accuse me of having affairs with people. Now, I'm not saying I wasn't flirting with this person or that, but when she would accuse me of having an affair with someone that I was not indeed having an affair with, it pissed me off. Of course.

If I wanted to get accused, they might as well. Yes. So anyway, so now we were talking between the shows, and Holly remembers this episode differently, although, interestingly, does remember it. Now, this was, I'm 58, so this was 48 years ago. Jeez. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

48 years ago, this happened. Wow. Remember it like it was yesterday. So anyway, so tell your side of this story, Holly, because I remember you accusing me, and I never quite got over the fact that my sister accused me. And then it was like, Et 2, Holly, you know, when I got stabbed in the back by this two-year-old.

That's great. He pushed me. Oh, I remember it. Well, I don't remember. that, that pushing. I remember a different pushing that, but I remember it as Martha pushed me.

My mom pushed me. Wait, wait, who, who, who? Yeah. Who's Martha? My mom pushing me, not Steve. Oh, your mom pushed you down. Oh, wow.

I hit the wrong one. Steve vindicated after nearly half a century. I pushed the wrong way. They're off the hook. So after all these years, it was your mother that pushed you down. See, I remember you and I talking about it, and I thought that you remembered that,

or that you had had this false memory that I did it. So that's interesting. And we were talking about memories because... Well, that was the memory of breaking my collarbone. Yeah, now breaking your collarbone, you and I were sliding down. If I remember right, as we were using a mattress to slide down stairs in my parents' house. Oh, man.

And then it stopped at the bottom, and Holly just kept going and broke her collarbone. That's how I remember that. What's your memory of that? I was then wearing Martha's, my mom, high heels, and standing, getting ready to go to church. and she pushed me down the front stairs of Grand Rapids. I don't think that's what happened, unless you broke your collarbone twice because this memory I've got was in Elmhurst. Well, maybe I remember that memory and then associated with breaking my collarbone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I remember you wear in the figure eight thing, so, yeah. Yeah, because she used to always say, get my shoes off. What do you wear my shoes for? I was going to fall. And then she pushed. And then when I did see. Oh, my God. Oh, she went, see?

Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. I mean, that's child abuse. You know, we can't laugh about that. Oh, my God. Except that we know the person. I've told this story on this show before about my dad's funeral and how everybody was going,

oh, stay after the funeral, and we're going to go out and eat. And I'm like, hell no, I'm getting the hell out of here before things go bad. And it ended with my brother. and my brother-in-law, which is my sister's husband, in the car going two miles an hour down the streets in this little street in the mountains of North Carolina, behind my sister, yelling at her, trying to entreat her to get back in the car

while she's walking in front of them and going to walk to Arkansas. Because, and it turned out that the argument was, one wanted to cook hot dogs, and one wanted to go to a restaurant. And she got, she was going to, she's done that plenty of time. Oh, my God. Drama queens are the worst.

So anyway. Oh, Lord. I'm going to walk to Arkansas. So anyway, well, I have a new crazy family. I think every family has one of them, though. Well, and Holly, you might as well stay on for this one. And there's a little bit of a delay. Holly's usually not, doesn't sound like she has to think about every word before she

says that there's a little bit of delay on the Skype today. So she's, think of her as a correspondent from, from Bahrain and we're in. She's over at the Gaza Strip right now. We're talking to her via satellite. And, you know, they always ask them a question and then they just continue to nod and smile for about 10 seconds before they say something. Yes. That's Holly today. My mother-in-law, who we've talked about on the show, multiple times, has went with us on vacation. Now, this is the same woman that said, I'm going to go see that movie, black guys dressed up. And what she met was men in black. And she made lasagna with retardo cheese. And she brought my wife some Monique wine, but it was Merlot. And she's not trying to be funny. She thinks that's what this stuff is.

Right. And she went on vacation with us. And one of the new things in it, I got out the iPad immediately and started writing it down was that we had this botchy ball game. You know, bocce ball, you throw out the little white ball, and then you have two or three balls, I think two, and you try to get your ball closest to the white ball, and you knock the other person. It's like an Italian version of like horseshoes and croquet almost, kind of. And we've played this on the beach for years and years and years, ever since the kids were like three and four years old, and it's botchy ball. She knows that, and she brought the set. She always brings her set with her, and we got down to the beach, and she says, now boys, y'all want to play that bonghole? game

that bunghole game and I was like that bung hole game Joanne seriously that's fantastic yes she thinks that's what it is it's got to be she always gets the first letter right

yeah Monique is Merlo you know men in black black guys dressed up retardo cheese it starts with an R it's almost like having to speak like with Snoop Dogg like faux shizzle like you gotta kind of figure out I knew exactly what she meant.

That's the crazy thing. You're starting to speak it. You know, when they have honey boo-boo and that stuff on and they put the subtitles underneath, I never need the subtitles. I understand perfectly what everybody's saying. You're fluent. Which means I've just lived here too fucking long. But anyway.

But, yeah, that bunghole game. Well, the next thing that she did was my kid was sleeping with the dog, and the dog shit all over his. cover right and so I cleaned it off best I could but apparently I missed

a big turd so that's on me but I bundled it up and I threw it in the washing machine and I knew it would take two or three loads I figured I'd run it once on Giant and then come back and I'll run it two or three times

and get all the shit off of it right well she comes home and she I guess she thought she was doing good and I appreciate the help but this ain't this ain't help so she takes it out and it still stinks like shit and doesn't think, well, this smells bad.

I'm just going to throw it in the dryer. Oh, no. So she throws it in the dryer, and I come in the house, and it stinks to high hell. It smells like someone has taken a turd and baked it in the oven at 150. She's going to say she baked dog shit. In like a slow cooker, right? So I'm like, what is that smell?

And she's like, well, I don't know. And I just took that and put it in the dryer. So I take it out of the dryer. And she said, well, I had to run it three or four times. It still went. and I take it out and there is and I it still I said this still smells and I

unwrapped it and there's a giant turd right in the middle of it just cooked into this thing and not only that so I pulled it out right and I look in and I tweeted a picture of this on my Twitter you can go back and look at it baked into the enamel

of the dryer is just pure caked in shit dried dog shit and I said Joanne come here Just come here. I didn't, I'm going to yell at her because you can't yell at an idiot. Right. You know?

And I just said, I want you to see what you've done. Did you rubber nose in it? What did you do? And she was like, oh, God. And it took, I had, it took forever to clean that out. And I made her do it. I made her clean it out. Oh.

With bleach and stuff. And then we ran towels and the sterilizing back and forth, back and forth finally got cleared out. So anyway. It's disgusting. So while we're at the beach, so she was just there for part of the time, right? We did get her back. And this, isn't that funny? And there would be some people say, well, you didn't do a very good job of this prank phone call.

But just remember, I'm in the middle of a fucking hurricane, okay? But it wasn't that big of a deal, but we were a little stressed out. We were at the beach when Hurricane Arthur hit. And it hit right where we are. But at that time, it was just a category one. But for four days before that, they said it was coming. So my mother-in-law would call us and say, Well, now you all better watch out that hurricane's a coming.

And it wasn't out of, you'd say, well, that's nice. It was out of, no. She was just trying to get shit stirred up with us and get us all nervous and scared because that's why she is. She catastrophizes about everything, right? So the day of the hurricane comes, and we've had four or five days of her just trying to stress us out about this hurricane coming. Well, it's a coming. It's a coming. Tacey, you better watch out that thing.

You keep them boys inside and all this stuff. And so the thing comes, and we get a little bit of drizzle and a little bit of rain. But we can't really go out. Right, right. So we decided, man, what else we got to do? Let's make a prank phone call. So I got some sound effects on my computer. You can't go outside and play bung holes.

No, we couldn't go outside and play bung hole. So we stayed in and were bung holes. And so we called poor old Joanne and confirmed her worst fears. And here, this is what happened. I had to let her off the hook. I couldn't do it. I know Jim Florentine says, don't let them off the hook. Opie says, don't let them.

I had to. But letting her off the hook actually ended up kind of being funny. So here we go. Hello. Oh, first off, and it'll be hard to understand what she says because it's hard anyway. But my boys had called her already. they had butt-dialed her and were like yelling and stuff and that's what gave us the idea and then she called back to see why they had called because she was sure they were calling

because we were having some horrible thing happened to us because of this hurricane okay so here you go Can you hear the hurricane in the background? Is that what that is? What? Is that going to see you? Are you going on? What are you? Oh, we're in the house.

We're in the house. Oh, we're in the house. The lagoon overflowed, and there's alligators in the backyard. So you can hear me going, get closer to the microphone back. You know, I'm directing them because now the boys are going to get involved. It's too deep to drive cars in and the golf cart's floating away. Roy says it's too deep to drive cars in it and the golf cart is floating away. This is my nine-year-old.

All right. What? And then they found them for us in this market. We can't hear you. The hurricane can't hear. Go and so much safe. Go and so much safe. Everybody's fine.

What was she yelling? She's yelling. Go somewhere safe. We just told her that you can drive. Where are we going to go? Cars are floating away and there's alligators outside. But go somewhere safe. Oh, my God.

Go somewhere safe, please. Are you sure your sight? Yeah, they're playing golf outside. You should I like this? See, that's not funny That's killed me to death Beck telling you there was Alligators in the golf card

Well, I'm glad you all Bye So there you go It's what we call Big Joe Hurricanes Oh, that poor woman He gave her a heart of time That wasn't the best Executed prank phone call

but I only had a couple of seconds to pull it off because we knew she was calling back. That's so funny. That poor woman. So anyway, there you go. Well, one other thing that happened to me while I was at the beach, and Chowdy, you'll get a kick out of this,

so I lost the keys to the golf cart, right? I had put them in the little pocket of my bathing suit. Okay. And so I went to go get something at the house and get the golf cart and the stupid thing was gone and the stupid key was gone. Oh, shit. Well, I didn't know they were all the same. So there was a guy there that said, if you just go to the golf, the pro shop, you can get

another key. They'll just give you a key. So I had to walk like a mile and then get in the car and drive two or three miles. Go get it. Come back. No big deal. But it was a pain in the ass. My wife was mad at me.

Well, you lost the key. And Wallace is going to be mad at us because we lost the key to his golf cart and all this. And it's like, you know, it's not that, let's not, now I know where she gets it from, by the way. So anyway, so, but I get home that night and I'm going to take a shower, right? And I'm pulling off my drawers. And I hear this kind of tinkling sound between my legs. And it's like, what the hell is that? The key is stuck to my scrotum.

Oh, God. Yes, one of those little key ring things. It had caught some of my pubic hairs, which obviously need trimming. And it was just dangling underneath my scrotum. Absolutely true story. And I could have just kept my mouth shut, but of course, I have to run out and go, look where I found the key and guess where it was. And now my kids think that's hilarious. So anyway, what a dumb ass, but how could I not feel that?

Yeah, really. And I was in the surf. I was fishing. I was boogie boarding doing all this stuff. Those stupid keys were just sticking to my damn scrotum hairs. Can you please stop bullshitting? No. We're having fun.

God damn, this is about as boring as sex with my wife. So, Holly, I do tell my kids cautionary stories about your mother. And one of them is, you know, because if they complain, like, they don't like their cereal. in the morning, I could say, well, you could be Holly because her mother used to make her eat Rice Krispies with water. Ew. That's true or false? And how about

yeah, no, that's true. And how about the time she made me eat raisin bran with ants on it? What? I don't know that story. Yeah. Why?

Yeah, she wouldn't, I wanted to go out to play, but she said I had to eat my breakfast. and I poured the bowl of cereal, and I said, there's ants in it. And she's like, no, there aren't. You just eat it. And then I started crying and, you know, just sitting there. And she's like, you better eat it or you're not going.

So, of course, I started eating it. While you're crying. And then she comes and looks at the bowl, and she goes, oh, there are ants in it. Okay, you can go. Oh, my God. You know, and this is abject child abuse, and yet, you know, and we shouldn't be laughing about it. But this is 50 years later, and it's so ridiculous, you know, and it's who it is. You know, there are people saying, well, you shouldn't be laughing at that, but it's Martha.

Oh, yeah, that's all you got to do. All you can do. There's one in every family. I know it. It reminds me of someone I know. Well, she used to tell me if I, or she used to use to tell me if, or she used to. to give me, before putting me on the plane to come to you guys, here, take this if you start to feel plain sickness.

And it was kale pectate. Cale pectate. Well, that's not child abuse. That's just stupid. That's like a placebo. She was giving you a placebo. She was a loving mother. Oh, wow.

Oh, whatever. And if you can't sleep, if you can't sleep, I'm going to put a suppository in you. Oh, that would be her threat? She would threaten me with that? Oh, she'd do it. I know. Okay, we need to do a whole show about this, but we probably ought to wait until she dies. I'm assuming that she's going to crook before I do, so.

Wow. What is it about some people that like to make everything a catastrophe? I don't know. That's so strange. I don't know. Yeah, it's getting weird now. If I have people in my family, if you said to them, this is nothing, and they said, Is there any chance, and you said there's a tenth of a chance that you could die?

They're like, the doctor said I could die from this. Like, that's how they are. Well, we're hardwired to believe the most catastrophic things. And the reason for that is, and this is my hypothesis. And it's not just my hypothesis. I've read this elsewhere, that if you are a hominid in the African savannah, and if every time you saw the grass move, you assumed it was a tiger or a, a lion, where at that time a saber-tooth tiger

going to kill you, you had a survival advantage over the guy that just went, eh, probably the wind. Probably nothing, you know? And so we may be hardwired as a species to believe the most outlandish things. And that may be why, you know, people would rather believe that they've been abducted by aliens rather than a hypnopompic episode,

which we have, I think, proven conclusively on the show that that's what that is. Right. But people want to believe that, because it's, you know, it's the 1% or the half percent that seems to make more sense. Sure. But anyway. Well, all right, Holly.

This ended up being a bummer because I guess you actually were abused as a child. You came out all right? Oh, I have a bookload of story. No, she's not all right. She is way fucked up, but she's delightful, though. So you need to come up, just come up and visit. We'll put you on the show. We'll do an hour just you and me.

Without the delay. We don't have any listeners. It's all right. We don't have that many now. I said one show, I didn't go hurt anything. Don't worry about it. All right. Hey, I'll talk to you soon.

Okay. Always a pleasure. Okay. Love you. Bye, Dima. Bye. Nice to meet you. You can have sex with Jeeba.

Oh, shit. She's gone. She hot? Well, she's not unattractive. Okay. She doesn't meet my criteria because she doesn't have the big giant tits. But she's my niece, so she doesn't have to meet. meet any criteria. I know, God, this family

is creepy. Yeah, really. You sicko. But she was a ballerina. I used to bring her around my friends when I was a resident, and she would come to the lake, and she could stand there on one leg and pull the other leg up.

Oh, wow. So, you know, to where her knee was next to her ear, and the toe was pointing straight up, and one down on the ground, and another toe was straight up. And my friends would go, holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. You know, trying to figure out what they could do with, you know, somebody that could do something like that. Yeah.

It's like a gymnast. So she's, yeah, you would like her. And you guys are the right age. How old are you? 48. Okay. Well, she's your age. Okay, so we'll work it out.

All right. We'll hook you up. Fair enough. All right. Shane, area code 406. Chase. Chase. Sorry.

Oh, I see. Hey, thanks, Steve. Okay, yeah, man. What's up? A question for you. Yeah. I'm laying on my back in bed at night. I have one of my, I lay on my stomach with one leg up.

And in my lower back, there's like a euphoric feeling that starts to build, and it sort of gets uncomfortable, but it builds to a crescendo. Yes. And then it goes away. What is that? I have that, and I have no idea what it is. It's something I've pondered for the longest time, and it's got to be some kind of spinal reflex because, you know, part of the ejaculatory reflex is spinal.

And when you start feeling that feeling down in the bottom of your spine and stuff, and I have that, I can actually induce it. I figured out how to induce it in myself, but I don't, I've never read anything on it that says what it is, or if it's a general thing. You're the only other person I've ever talked to that has that. I don't get, I still understand what you guys are talking about. It's almost impossible to explain. But what you lay in your back and, you know, I lay on my stomach with one of my knees up, you know, sort of like, so you're almost on your side, but you're like seven and eight's on your stomach. Yep.

And then on the lower part of your back, there's a, you start to feel like a little euphoric feeling. starts to build and it all the first times it happened you know it was real uncomfortable when I moved but then I just started waiting it out and it'll build to a crescendo and almost like it's not an it's not a pain it's no like I said euporic and then it's like explode and goes away and I don't want to say explode because there's not a real big thing at them but there's just a it's crescendo it's crescendo decrescendo that's the best way that I can you know but where do you feel this you're like a diamond in your head or in your genitals I feel in the lower back L4L5

Yeah, me too. Me too. And then when I, I'm going to do it right now because I can induce it. Okay, when I do it, it kind of works its way up into my sternum, even. Jesus. Mine doesn't work in the sternum. It's just like a real, it's almost about like a six to eight inch area right there in my lower back that it builds into, and then it just goes away. Dude, I know exactly what you're talking about. I have no idea, but let's put the word out.

If anybody else is having that, I want them to call in and maybe we can figure something out. But it's got to be a spinal reflex because, like I said, part of the ejaculatory reflex is spinal. And when I, this is not completely dissimilar to part of the feeling I get when I'm having an orgasm, but it is not the same thing. It's almost like if an orgasm has 10 parts, this is maybe one part of that. So this is like a spinal orgasm, like some kind of. Kind of. I can't even grasp this. My thoughts on it were that, you know, it's almost like my back gets perfectly straight

and all the joints open up and it's like a release thing or something. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? We need Dr. K here or even Dr. Z because we had a chiropractor and an osteopath, and I bet both of them would have at least something to say about it. It's like when I send people to Dr. Scott, he may have some crazy diagnosis that I don't understand from a Western viewpoint, but he's got to do. diagnosis. Right. You know, and people respond to that. They like it. You know, oh, your chi is malodorous. And they go, oh, okay, thanks. Right. You know, whereas I was telling

him, it's all in your head. You're crazy. And so they would really appreciate that. Same thing with this is their two theories may be bullshit, but at least they would have one because I have no idea. No, maybe with this guy saying it's right. Maybe he's like just realigning himself. And like, when you crack your back and it feels good or you crack your back. This is different than that, though. I don't know. But anyway, yeah, hey, Chase, let's stay in touch. email me weird medicine at riotcast.com. I'll let you know if I hear from anybody else that has this and we'll try to work it out.

Okay, cool, man. I'm really glad you called because I always thought I was just a, well, I am a weirdo, but I thought in that regard, I was alone. Of course, when I discovered... It's the same thing. I'm glad I got through you. I usually listen to you at night when I'm working on ONA channel. Yeah.

And so that's the only time I ever really got to hear you. You know, never had a chance to call live. and then I've seen your Twitter food today. So I give a call so I'd ever shut. Cool, man. Well, I'm glad you did. That's wild. But, you know, we may find that a lot of people have this.

It's like, when I discovered masturbation, I thought I was the only one who knew anything about it. And I brought my friend Benny Greenstein over to the house to show him how to do it, too. I didn't, you know, do it to him. I gave him a silkful art of his own and his own Annie Fanny comic, and we both beat off on separate sides of the room. But I was like, dude, I discovered this. thing, you know, so it may be the same thing with us. You know what's really weird? When I discovered masturbating,

it took me like a year to figure out you can just use your hand. Oh. I used to lay a beach blanket down and then fuck it and fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would just like rinse it out in the bathtub and throw it in the hamper. Yeah, when I finally I never thought of jerking off,

but I would fuck this shirt up. I just sort of rub the head of my penis there. Yeah. And then do it and then ejacuate. I didn't know he could stroke it. Yeah, when I was when I was in eighth grade, I I remember sitting behind, I'll just say, Kathy G. And she was the girl in eighth grade that had big giant tits. And she was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and I could just see the edge of that bra. And I knew the goodness that it was holding up.

There's just that little fullness there. And I'm in eighth grade. We were supposed to be watching a movie, and I just, you know, put my hand in my pocket and stroked my penis head on my thigh and was able to complete the transaction that way. Now, I could never do that now. was one of the ways that, you know, back then. Yeah, when you're 12, 13 years old, forget about it. And jacking off in eighth grade with Mr. Runk sitting next to you, you know, trying to, you know,

it was just weird, but felt creepy. It's so funny, I just thought about that. I used the fuck towels. Yeah, well, I used, as you know, a silk fullard because I was a magician and I did a zombie ball routine, which is a floating ball. And I used this silk cloth, and I used it. It took me a long time to figure out you could use

lotion or something. Right. And God help you if you use shampoo and don't wash it off because your dick skin will flake off. Yeah. Or if you use Vick's vapo rub, which I did. Ow! Which works great while you're doing it.

It feels all nice and warm. And then that switch goes off after you complete the transaction. Tins and needles. Yeah. Well, it's worse than that. It just feels like you've dipped your cock in lava. Oh, shit. And then I discovered that you could fuck something.

That was, see, I was just the opposite. I learned later that you could that you could fuck something. And I would take a baggie, a zip lock, and put a lube in it. And it was usually like suntan lotion or something. Because at the time, you know, it wasn't like I could get my hands on KY lotion at 14. And then I would put it between the mattress and box springs and stick my dick in that and fuck it. Wow. Crazy.

Crazy. Revolution of a sex offender. Well, you didn't, you know, I don't know how you, it is, there is an evolution there because you have to learn how to do it right, you know, and then other people are like, well, no, I just used Vaseline and that was like, well, hell, we got all kinds of Vaseline. I was a Vaseline guy for the longest time. Yeah, that was really the easiest. But anyway, all right, Chase, keep in touch with me.

Weird Medicine at Riotcast.com. If I find out anything else about this, I'll let you know. All right, thanks, too. Okay, buddy. Spinal orgasm. That's incredible. all right we got an update on a genius this guy is a fucking genius you remember we talked about my nine year old swallowing a quarter and that's when i knew he was a genius well this guy is even more

of a genius ladies and gentlemen brian from radio freaks dot tv what's going on uh so i've just been released from the emergency room um last night around midnight my wife handed me my T.O. Oral medication for my, you know, diabetes and all the shit that's wrong with me. And I asked her to also grab me a needle for my Lantus, which is my long-acting insulin. And she grabs it for me and hands them to me all in the same fistful. Not thinking anything of it, I didn't even look at it, and I tossed the entire batch of it into my mouth and swallow. and I swallowed the fucking insulin pen needle. Holy shit, dude.

Are you shitting me? Seriously, bro. No. And it was like when I asked my kid, how did you swallow a quarter? Did you not know it was in your mouth? He's like, I don't know. And I guess it's the same thing. You know, you have this idea in your brain that these are pills and you throw them in your mouth and you just swallow it.

Holy shit. And Steve can tell you, I'm taking back to him right now, which are big a fucking horse pill. So my immediate thought when it was a little tough to get down, I thought, well, the backroom must have gone down sideways or something like that. Yeah. Holy shit. So you have a need, that did it have insulin in it? That was capped. Well, it wasn't the whole syringe.

No, no, I know, but I mean, you know. I mean, he's fat and eats a lot, but I wouldn't expect he would be able to swallow a syringe. So you had a needle in your gullet. Yep. How do they get that out? So they, they basically let chick X-rays to figure out where it was. and then they went in they waited until surgery

the GI surgery came in this morning and they basically went in and did an endoscopy and pitched it out wow wow you know and I got to say I made

I'm sorry that's very distracting how do you how do you fish it out well okay they would use an endoscope and he i'm assuming they put you out for this am i right brian oh you you would assume that and they did give me propofall but they didn't want to knock me out completely okay because i was because i have you know athletic issues so you have i got to experience most of it and i was gagging and vomiting it's the gagging part i can't handle i i had my uh my colonoscopy done without anesthesia, and that's no problem. But, oh, God, an upper endoscopy, and that thing is not small compared to your throat.

No, and you won't even remember any of it. We're going to knock you out, you'll wake up on the other side of it, and you'll have it out of you. Yeah. I was awake for the entire freaking thing. God, I can't even imagine. Well, serves you right. Holy shit. But the, I may disagree to a certain extent with their approach to this, because the needle was

capped, and if it was solidly capped, it ain't coming undone. Unless you've got massive diverticulitis, I probably would have let the thing just pass. I would have x-rayed you to make sure it wasn't stuck in your esophagus, and then I would have x-rayed you a week later to make sure it was not in your colon. Now, the downside to that is if you did perforate, then it's a surgical emergency, and this is kind of easy, but the likelihood that that was going to cause you a problem is pretty small, in my opinion. Wow. But it's done.

I wasn't going to say anything before you had it done. But you would have probably laid even money that he was going to shit it out. Oh, no, I would have laid way more than even money. I would have said 99%. Wow. So the reason why I'm actually calling was not for your amusement, assholes. Assholes, we're not the one that's swallowed a needle. They told me on the end.

at the other end of all this shit, that I may have Barrett's esophagus. Oh. You bet what? Barrett's esophagus. Barrett? Okay, yeah, Barrett's esophagus. Now, I'm assuming that they took a little biopsy

just to confirm that, the diagnosis. Sure, if you say so. Okay, well, they should have. They should have. Barrett's esophagus is a change in the... Oh, yeah, go ahead. Debbie said they did not take a bite. but actually because they couldn't sedate me.

Okay, okay. So down the road, they'll probably want to do another one of these. Barrett's esophagus is where you have reflux. It's usually, I mean, that's the hypothesis. Reflux causes inflammation in the lower part of the esophagus, and it changes from one kind of tissue to another kind of tissue. And the reason that you're concerned about it is it does increase your risk of certain esophageal malignancies down the road, but it's just a risk increase.

It doesn't doom you to anything. And are you taking anything for reflux now or anything like that, Brian? Yes, this wonderful doctor friend of mine suggested that I tried Dixelon because it works so well for him. Yeah. And? And it works wonderful. I love it.

Okay. Good, good, good, good, good. Yeah, you know, they would diagnose this by actually going, just. They don't have microscopic X-ray vision. So there are some typical appearance markers for Barrett's esophagus, but I would think that they would want to get a biopsy down there. They talk to you about getting a repeat endoscopy in the future? Yeah, they want me to go back and put me under anesthesia and get a biopsy and do it right.

Okay. Now, look, here's the thing. Barrett's esophagus increases your risk by, like, 0.5%. Okay, esophageal cancer is still unusual. Of all the patients I've ever had with cancer, and I've had thousands, a few of them have had esophageal cancer. So if you have Barrett's esophagus, it increases your risk by 0.5% per year.

Now, the fact that you have this means that you're less likely to die from it. Why is that? because you're going to catch it early because you're going to have your EGDs done, your esophagostasis done, you know, way more frequently than you would if you didn't know you had this. Does that make sense? So it's like people with cervical who have cervical changes in their, well, those would be in their cervix. With women are more, may be more likely to get cervical cancer, but they're much less likely to die from it because they're going to get their path.

smear's done or their colposcopies or whatever it is done every year rather than blowing it off. So now you're going to take this a lot more seriously and you're going to go get your endoscopy done and you're going to have your repeat and you'll do your repeats and all that stuff. And if anything does start to change, they'll catch it early and that's all about early detection. You're an EMT. You know that. So this is actually in some ways almost good news, you know, that they found it. But the logic is that when you know about something, you can take care of it, whereas if you don't know about it, that's going to be what we wind up killing you. Exactly. So the fact that you are aware of this means that you're much less likely for that to become an issue in the future because you're going to, you're going to catch it early.

So in a way, your dumbass move resulted in kind of providence because now you're aware of a problem you weren't aware of before. that may, you know, be very beneficial to you down the road. So there you go. Shit happens for a reason. I don't even know that I believe that shit happens for a reason, but in this case, it was fortuitous. I'm going to just start my own death pool between the diabetes, the bar esophageal cancer, the cedosystem of pancreas, the hernius. I'm just at my own fucking death pool. Well, it's...

I just got told the other than. also that I have rather large tons and almost 40 years old I should probably have them taken out. Well, that's because of your body habitus and that your sleep apnea would be better if they did that. But if here's the thing, there is a death pool that you can, that you're probably already involved in. It's called term life insurance because that's what that is.

You know, they figure out, you get term life insurance and they figure, well, you've got these diseases, this disease, this disease, this is how much it's going to cost. right to make it prohibitive for you to continue it beyond the point where we think you're going to die right and then just like the casino they've got it worked out so that even though they got to pay some out here they've got to pay some out there they're always going to make a profit most people aren't going to die in the next 20 years or whatever right right right so but anyway all right you all right guys well i appreciate you calling and i you know i was kind of argue if i had been completely open with you last night when you told me about this i would have said that I disagreed with their approach, but now that they did it this way, I'm really glad that they did. So I'm glad I kept my mouth shut, too. Not that you would have, you know, done anything about it.

Right. Feel better, brother. You know what it is, Steve? I don't know, I know you know this. I don't take everything you say is gospel, but I like to use you as a second opinion. Yeah, sure. I don't know if I'm at least on the right path. Yeah, and there was nothing wrong with the way they approached.

As a matter of fact, it did a lot of good, so. Cool, man. Well, at least you don't have to worry about shitting that thing out. Like, stupid blowheart in his tooth going through his fecal matter for weeks. And I was like, dude, you shitted out after the second day. And every time he sifted through his turds from day two to day 14 was 12 days of wasted playing in stool. Yes. Anyway.

Yeah, you never found the fucking thing anyway. No, he never found it. Never found it. And then we tried to raise money for him, and the deal was if we raised $250 to get him a new tooth, he would never be on the show again, and we didn't get to $250. All right. I told Debbie I was just going to go upstairs and vomit the fucking thing back up again. And all her nurse friends and her are all convinced me that that was a terrible idea.

That would have been a bad idea. Because if I'd punctured my apothecass on the way back up, I'd screwed. Well, that would be unlikely since it's plastic. that that would have happened, but I would have been more worried about it getting lodged in your nasopharynx because, you know, when you puke, shit comes out your nose, too, and you can't control that. And if that's stupid thing that got lodged up in your nose, how are you going to explain that when you go to the emergency room? So, anyway. Holy shit.

All right, man. Take it easy, man. Brian feel better, and I just want to let you know I'm with you, man. I've been having some serious health issues myself. I had a lot of gas recently, so I know what it's God, what an asshole. All right, I'll see you, Matt. All right, he's gone. Yeah, tell us a little bit about this gas thing.

I tweeted you because I swear to you, I've never been a gassy guy. I'm not one of these guys that belches and farts. People are always like, farting and shit. And I'm like, not a fartier belchie guy. I don't know. I've always had a good digestive system, I guess. And then recently, I've had this, like, like it happened twice in the span of a couple of weeks

where I literally thought I was having a heart attack where I had pain in my chest. And then all of a sudden, I had out literally like a windows rattling belch. Yeah. Like, what the fuck was that? Right, right, right, right. And I was like, why is this happening all of a sudden? And I was bloated, you know, my stomach would be bloated, like, pants that were loose on me were tight.

And then after I'd belch and fart, they'd be loose again. It's like, what is this? Yes. And it was just really weird that it was something so stupid and obvious. I don't really drink a lot of different things. I drink coffee and water. Before you give us the answer, I'll tell you the things that I would think about is usually dietary changes. And people who, you know, go on the Vinny Tortorich thing and start eating a lot more fruits and vegetables than they did before.

And the bacteria in their intestines are not used to this bounty of new sugars that they can digest, that we can't. and people get bloated and fart a lot that doesn't explain the belching though so I have an idea and I don't want to be dishonest you kind of already told me what happened so I don't want to blurt it out but go ahead so those are the kinds of things

that we think about why this didn't dawn on me I don't know but like I said I don't have a lot of variety in my choices of beverage I drink water and coffee and that's about it once in a while I'll have a tea it's all I've ever seen you drink I'll have a sweet tea or whatever except one time on this show you drank beer

and then started shouting N-words and stuff No, it wasn't beer. It was a, it was chef's, Bloody Marys. Yes, Chef Mike's Bloody Marys, which are on our website, by the way, and Dr.Steve.com. It's a hell of a recipe. Yep. But for some reason, for some variety recently, when I was shopping last time, I said, let me try some of these flavored celtzers. And there was a couple that were really good.

And I went back and tried some more. And they get like kiwi, lime and strawberry. They're really freaking tasty. Okay. And according to this thing, it's like zero sugar, zero carbs. It's just flavored seltzer. and they were really good, but I didn't realize I guess drinking all this carbonated beverages

and I'm not used to it because I don't drink soda. I'm not a soda drink. Carbon dioxide's got to go somewhere. Wow, did this blast me out. People drink sodas and feel bloated and stuff. It's like, dude, you cut out the sodas. A lot of times that's all you have to do because you're drinking in this water that has carbon dioxide

dissolved in it and it will come out of solution eventually and the more you heat. it, the more of the carbon dioxide will come out of solution. And if your stomach is pretty quick at moving stuff, some of it can make it into your intestine, and the gas is going somewhere. Right, right. And you may even be able to absorb a little bit of it, but it's just, you're either going to belch it out or you're going to fart it out, one or the other.

I don't know how people drink all like Coke and this and that. I don't know how people live on all that carbonated shit because it was killing me. I used to be able to inhale, and I can still do it, but I prefer not to at this point. And this was like in the eighth grade, I can swallow a bunch of air and then belch out. And I could belch out the alphabet. Yeah, I can do that. But you can never belch out all of it. And then I would always notice that about eight to 12 hours later, I'd fart like crazy.

And so I learned if I was going to go someplace and I wanted to be able to fart, I would just swallow a bunch of air because it has to go some. It has to go. It's either going, come out your mouth or come out your ass. Right. It's like when they did, when I had my gold bladder removed and they had to blow up my, you know, they had to pour all that air in there so they can. that gas

Now that gets absorbed Because they said You might fart or belch a lot And I never did No no no No if in your abdominal cavity It can't get into your gut Unless there's a hole in your gut

Which is a fistula which would be bad Okay So when they pump gas Into your peritoneal cavity That has to be resolved But it can take days to weeks To resolve it all Okay

And like if you do an x-ray On someone that's just had surgery You'll see air under their diaphragm for a while Yeah, we could get a radiologist to tell us exactly how long, but it'll take a while. So weird. I know. So anyway, there you go. So belching and far, we should have

ended the show there. Yes. Oh, did we do, we didn't do the live reads, did we? I'll make it real quick. Amazon.com. Amazon.com.com.com. Go there, bookmark it. Use it when you go to Amazon. It helps keep us on the air. It really makes a huge difference. We've been able to upgrade our equipment And we're going to have a two or three camera shoot

And some lights in here And that's, you know, that's fancy You know, yeah Well, people, I don't know why they want to see the back of my head I don't either If you go to Ustream.com slash channels slash DR Steve 202 Or if you just go to riotcast.com

You can watch us live I don't know what the allure is I've had that video element I don't either I think theater of the mind is always better, but I don't know. But anyway, you know, those things were paid for by that. So we really appreciate it. And just buy everything. Buy local. But when you don't buy local, buy from Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, go to Amazon.com.com.com. The other thing is

gamefly.com slash fluid. You're playing games. You need a Gamefly account. You get a deal. It's like a two-week free trial. Gamefly.com slash fluid. And then don't forget tweakeda.com. use the offer code fluid. They're earbuds. You can hold some of those up right now for the video users. Those are tweaked audio earbuds. They are incredible for the price. They're incredible anyway, but they're incredible for the price.

My kids use them every time we go on trips. They can stick it in their iPod and watch movies and stuff and leave us alone. And when they have them on, I can turn on Opie and Anthony or Howard Stern or whatever I want to listen to and not worry about them hearing something and being a bad parent. So it's tweakeda audio.com. They got stuff from $14 to $49. And if you put in offer code fluid, you get 33% off. You can't beat it.

Phones, iPods, gaming systems. Everything takes earbuds now. And you might as well have a couple of pairs. Everybody knows what earbuds are for. You know what I mean? So for the price that they are on that thing, you could have 10 pair because you're going to lose them, forget them. For the price, there's none better. That's it.

Order five pairs of them. You never have to go search. Well, order three, and you only pay for two. Perfect. Order six and pay for four. There you go. Very good. All right.

Dr. Steve, what's going on? Got a question. I'm a little stopped up. I sit down a lot, but at the end of my day, I do walk, but I heard that helps. So I walk, you know, I walk about a mile, mile and a half, and drink plenty of water. So I was wondering, can I take that stuff? that you use before they stick that tube up your ass, what does that stuff call?

Because I was going to drink some and just clean my whole system out. Thanks, Dr. Steve. And have a great day. All right, man. I think he's talking about Mirolax. That's what they use for the bowel preps. And usually when you're doing a bowel prep for colonoscopy, you take a whole bottle of the stuff.

And they'll have a, and I don't recommend that. You should only do that under a doctor's supervision for a colonoscopy prep. or you shit for like what a whole day oh it's unbelievable well we used to have this stuff called fleets phosphosota which is what they gave no filter paul you remember when opion anthony made him do that and he shit all over the studio that stuff was so forceful that i remember i i felt like if i stood up and bent over i could shoot a wall 20 feet behind me with the stuff that was coming out of my ass i mean it would just shoot out and then uh the last time i did it it felt like i filled the pot up and i stood

up and it was as clear as a mountain stream. You could have drunk it. No. It was just absolutely clear. No tinge of cloudiness in the bowl, nothing. Wow. That's how amazing that stuff was. Which also gives the lie to that whole thing about the, you know, seven years of concretions

in your bowel and stuff. Anybody who's ever done a colonoscopy knows that's not true. Right. But anyway, so, yeah, this guy, Mirlax, is pretty good, but it takes a couple of days. And really, you know, you take a capful today. you two catfuls tomorrow, then you'll shit. For acute constipation, if you're really blocked up,

some people will take the stuff you can buy over the counter called magnesium citrate. It's real sour tasting, and it works pretty quick. But if you're just going to use it every once in a while, using a Dulcalax or a S, you just buy it over the counter, talk to the pharmacist, it's a bowel stimulant.

Most of the time, that'll do it. If it's hard rocky stool like you had, that's hard to push out, a glycerin suppository put in, First, we'll loob it up. And then, if you still can't get it out, then using this bowel stimulant like Dulcalax. But only use them every once in a while. If you use them all the time, you can get dependent on them big time.

Like a nose spray. Yeah. All right. Fair enough. Thanks always. Go to GVAC. Fuck P.A. John. Fuck him.

Thank everybody on the Riotcast Network. Many thanks to our listeners whose voicemail and topic ideas make this job very easy. Until next time, check your stupid nuts for lumps. Quit smoking. Get off your asses and get some exercise. We'll see you in one week for the next edition. of weird medicine.