Welcome to Night Vale - 10 - Feral Dogs

Episode Date: November 1, 2012

A roving pack of feral dogs terrorizes Night Vale. Plus, a new installment of Community Health Tips, the Fireperson Appreciation Parade, and free admission day at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies! Weather: "i Know This:" by Rachel Kann. rachelkann.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Regret nothing. Until it is too late. Then regret everything. Welcome to Nightville. Our top story today.

A roving pack of feral dogs has been terrorizing Night Vale for the past several hours. The dogs have been described as mostly muts, possibly pit bull mixes. Witnesses say their apparent leader is the three-headed one wearing dozens of decorative service medals and chevrons. Sheriff's secret police confirmed that the dog pack has already attacked a group of elementary school children this morning around 8, as they were getting on the bus. Injuries were minor, as the children protected themselves ably with their school-issued nerve gas canisters and automatic pistols. The dog's motives are not yet known, although authorities believe it could be meth and or gang-related.

More on this story as it develops. This Friday afternoon, the Parks Department will be spraying pesticide in all public park areas and in neighborhoods with dense foliage and predominantly Irish heritage. Night Vale is making a strong effort to reduce the mosquito population and the dangerous diseases they carry. Last year, mosquitoes were responsible for outbreaks of West Nile, influenza, panache, Elephantitis, and Fanny Bryce Approximation Syndrome. Please stay indoors from 1 p.m. Friday to 10 p.m. Saturday to avoid dermal contact with the pesticide, which has been known to cause skin abrasions, epilepsy, super epilepsy, and organ inversion.

The Parks Department also notes that the pesticide has a half-life of 2100 years, which means we'll be safe from those annoying mosquitoes for a long time. We just received word from Wayne Tyler, Assistant Shift Manager at the new Pinkberry, that the pack of feral dogs was seen this morning rooting around in the dumpsters behind the library. They made off with some discarded Chinese takeout containers, a rusty futon frame, and two homeless men, likely to become hench people to the wild dogs. If you are near the library, be warned that these dogs are dangerous.

Also be warned that penalties for overdue books has skyrocketed to 50 cents per day and, after 30 days, jaw mutilation. The Night Vale Medical Board has issued a new study, indicating that you have a spider somewhere on your body at all times, but especially now. The study said that further research would be needed to determine exactly where on your body this spider is and what its intentions are, only that it is definitely there and is statistically likely to be one of the really ugly ones. Let's go now to Community Health. tips. Listeners, are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome?

Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That would be weird. Not to be judgmental, but it would be weird. This has been community health tips.

Listeners, we've just learned that the drawbridge construction site has been hit by graffiti vandals. The sheriff's secret police suspect the feral dog pack to be responsible for the giant spray-painted lettering along the bridge scaffolding that reads, Gold standard is our standard, and read your constitution. There was also a very elaborately painted portrait of Alexander Hamilton wearing Groucho Marx nose glasses and a caption that reads, Federalist Papers, but where Federalist is crossed out and Toilet is written in red. Actually, you should see this. It's truly stunning. All that with spray paint. I'm impressed. These guys are really good artists.

Nevertheless, these dogs are possibly armed and possibly rabid. They are definitely libertarian street artists, and that has police and city officials working double time to solve this problem. If you have any tips that could lead to the capture of this roving band of dogs, please keep them to yourself. We've also received word that they have tapped your phone and computers, so best not leave the house or talk loudly. Let's have a look at the community calendar.

This Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale Fire Department will be holding its bi-weekly fireperson appreciation parade. All of the town's firefighters will be riding through Main Street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats, depicting some of the greatest fires in night. Nightveils history. One of my personal favorites is the 1983 earthquake dust fire, when Trimmer-initiated fires became so intense that the airborne sand burst into deadly flames. Nearly the entire city

population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and paper Michae. The fire department would like to remind Nightvale citizens that the parade is free, and to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home, because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening. On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests. Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts Court of Honor. The BSA is the BSA is a say we'll name its first ever blood-packed scouts, the rank just above

Eagle Scout. So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but we have heard that two local boys, Franklin Wilson, and Barton Donovan, have earned the Invisibility

badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank. Well done, Frank and Barty. Wednesday after Noon is the citywide fitness fair at the rec center. Last year's event was canceled as it was held on the same day and time as the fried chicken and cigarette fair. This year's event, however, promises to be a huge success as they have secured a large corporate

sponsorship from the Intelligence Group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically embedded government monitoring devices. Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm. Friday is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives. But don't look.

Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That's it. Yes. Good. We've contacted the Night Vale Zoo, hoping to find out more information on how dogs behave in packs. Perhaps these skilled animal experts could give us some insight into how to catch these dogs, or at least, understand them. Night Vale Zoo director Emily Munton told us that all animals prefer tiny cages and scheduled food pellet consumption, and that it didn't make sense that any animals would want to wander freely about town. She added a high-pitched roar, followed by a watery gurgling sound, and then our conversation was ended by repeated cloudless thunderclaps.

A reminder to anyone looking for fun on a budget today in Night Vale, it's free admission day at the Night Vale Museum of Forbidden Technologies. As always, the museum features many fascinating permanent exhibits, including the cheap pollution-free source of energy created by Nikola Tesla, multiple time machines, some of them not yet invented, and pocket calculators, which were outlawed by the city council 22 years ago for undisclosed reasons. Along with that, there is a temporary exhibit displaying the many different, exciting, and extremely dangerous uses for lasers.

Be sure to splurge on the guidebook at the museum store, as the exhibits themselves are entirely shrouded with thick burlap at all times, and all explanatory plaques have been blacked out with permanent marker. The Museum of Forbidden Technologies. If you don't know about it, we may or may not have it. And now a word from our sponsor. You come home, the lights are off. You get an uneasy feeling. Suddenly, the phone rings.

You remember that you do not have a phone. It rings some more. You do not know what to do. Then you remember that, yes, you do own a phone. Why wouldn't you own a phone? Everyone owns a phone. The phone is still ringing. Ha ha ha ha ha.

How silly to think you didn't own a phone. It rings again. You smile and shrug and answer the ringing phone. It is still dark. Hello, you say? They are waiting for you. A whispery gender indeterminate voice tells you. It is your time, it says.

You turn on the light. You laugh again, wondering why it took you so long to turn on the light. Gosh, it was dark, you think? Hello? The voice asks. You hang up. Glad you remembered to buy Tropicana orange juice, at least. Tropicana pure premium orange juice is made from the freshest oranges with no added flavors or preservatives.

Also, you should get caller ID. It's the 21st century. How do you not have caller ID? really Tropicana This Just In Two more school children were attacked by the wild dogs this morning near the playground at Nightvale Elementary School. One of the boys was taken to Nightvale General with treatable leg injuries.

The other boy, we understand, was unharmed because he was a better boy and more loved by the angels. We've also received confirmation that a handful of Mangy Kerr broke into the senior center, stole their televisions, and made the internet stop working. This has gotten out of hand, ladies and gentlemen. We simply cannot live in fear for our safety because of wild dogs. Allow me a brief editorial here, if you would. First off, please have your pets fixed. It's an inexpensive and quick point.

process. You can take your dog or cat to the Nightvale SPCA, to your local veterinarian, or to Big Rico's pizza. RICO studies taxidermy as a hobby, so he's happy to help out in whatever way he can. Second, many of these dog packs are formed by dogs that are not raised to be loved, but bred to fight. trainers are teaching these dogs everything from jujitsu to kickboxing to knife work. This is simply unacceptable. Dog fighting is illegal, cruel to animals, and a danger to society when these dogs are untethered. But, we are a strong, united community here in Night Vale. We must stand up to violence.

Our town was founded by peace-loving imperialist conquerors who, to escape taxation, overwhelmed a potentially violent race of indigenous people and founded this beautiful city on principles of family, fortitude, fence-building, and friendly propaganda. Let's not forget our long-standing town motto, We have nothing to fear except ourselves. are unholy awful people. Fear ourselves with silence. Look down, Night Vale, look down and forget what you've done. That is the motto of a determined, unified community. And now, the weather. the line that sets mind free.

And also, I know that... I don't know shit. And the more I know, the more I realize it. I know that for all the pain I've cried, there's the exact same balance of joy on the other side of that coin. Join with the thinnest slip of membrane. Same goes for crazy and sane.

Truth and lie. Answer and why, because I... This universe operates with a divine tug-floor, teeter-totter, bringing order and balance like the tide does to water. Like I know that each wave rolls back to the sea, retreating from me into deep green eternity, and I know that I am free. Well, at least in my mind if I want to be. I know that some things sound good to me in theory, but in point of facts suck ass in actual practice like communism and pornography. I know that it's impossible to really know where anyone is coming from, so who are we to judge them? I know that some things are so dope they transcend their category, and it's important to see the glory in the ordinary.

Like I know that there's Nogchampa and then there's all other incense. I can't see putting Earl Grey up against any other tea. Lash out? It's not even on the same plane as other mascara comparatively, and I know that it's not. that there's R&B, and then there's Otis Redding. I know that most things are much greater than the sums of their parts, and that that's the real definition of art, like brownies are good, and so is whipped cream, but you put them together and it's this whole fucking chemical other thing, like Lenin and McCartney singing harmony,

like masturbating as compared to an orgy. I know that everything within this surface glimpse up reality is infinitely simple and perfectly complicated and I know that being gated over it is way overrated and that the colors of this world only seem faded in direct relation to the darkness with which your mind's eye is shaded and you made it that way and you can choose to change your vision's prismic range today and I know that you gotta help a friend who's down and I know that no matter where you end up you're still from your hometown and I know you gotta know how to listen to the sound of your own heartbeat and the dead quiet of night sometimes.

And I know that can be so frightening, but I also know that the deepest darkness is always the most enlightening. And I know that fresh, cold canalo tastes like the perfect first kiss. And I know that Loud Zoo and Moses and Mohammed and Buddha and Jesus and all those dudes do some deep ass shit. But I also know that we all hold the world's eternal truths in our heart's deepest pit. It's because I know that we are made of the same stuff as the sun and moon. and far the star and all that we are is manifest energy

and that we already have everything we could ever need if we could just begin to see clearly. And I know that the world will continue to spin. And I know that the world will continue to spin. And I know that one day you will let me in. And we will begin to love in a fashion I couldn't fathom existed. And we will laugh at the fact that we ever resisted this blissful togetherness.

And the sex? Well, it'll be off the charts. Because we'll both be super freaky, but we'll be fucking from the heart. Because our loving will be a something where the whole is much greater than the sum of its parts. Because we're artists after all. So what else would fate have us make besides art? And I know that outside of this space time frame we are one and the same. We're a part, not a part.

So I know I can wait patiently for it to start. And far out I may seem to be. Maybe you see me as wacky, but baby, the fact be that I am a poet and like all true poets do, I'm mainlining the spiraling, spherical truth of the universe, turning it out, and into lyrical wholeness, and I know this, and I know this, this I know, this I know. Ladies and gentlemen, good news. Mayor Pamela Winchell called a press conference moments ago,

declaring an end to our dog pack terror. The mayor announced that the dogs were not actually dogs, just some plastic bags caught in the breeze that people mistook for wild dogs. There are no wild dogs in Night Vale, she said, and if there were, they'd be sweet little dogs with big, meaningless eyes and tongues like flypaper. The plastic bags, meanwhile, have been safely returned to the dog, dog park from whence they came, and which is to remain unknowable and unremembered. Journalists asked about the injuries and aftermath of this morning's dog pack-related crimes.

The mayor responded with a hollow stare. She promptly shook the podium off its base and whispered through gridded teeth. Plastic bags. Plastic bags. The sheriff's secret police then ethically cattled the pool of reporters, gently coercing them with pepper spray. Most were taken away peacefully in handcuffs and black hoods. Thank goodness it was all a misunderstanding. Dear listeners, I don't want to say I told you so,

but wasn't I right when I said we were a determined, resilient little. town. In the face of wild beasts, we did not crumble. We did not back down. We stood eye to eye with violence and it blinked first. Stand proud, Night Vale. Be afraid on the inside, of course. You are, after all, your own downfall. But stand proud against those predators that would harm your family. And that is our show. Thank you for listening, listeners. Stay tuned next for the popular advice program, Dr. Brandon.

This week, Dr. Brandon offers a step-by-step on how to remove your own appendix without surgery. The sky tonight is a soft, quivering green. The wind is calm, but prepared. Get your sleep, night veil, and don't for you. get to dream. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion. info or at dispersion.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was, I know this, by Rachel Kahn. Find out more at Rachel

Con.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio. Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show and to see where our live show is these days. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. We couldn't make our show without it. Today's proverb, eating meat is a difficult moral decision because it's stolen, the meat. You should apologize. Hi, we're Meg Bashminer. And Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Nightvale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also, the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst.

Available wherever you get your podcasts.