Welcome to Night Vale - 100 - Toast

Episode Date: December 15, 2016

Welcome to Night Vale's 100th Episode. A toast! The voices featured this episode are: Cecil Baldwin, James Urbaniak, Mara Wilson, Annie Savage, Mark Gagliardi, Emma Frankland, Meg Bashwiner, Jackson Publick, Kate Jones, Maureen Johnson, Erica Livingston, Christopher Loar, Kevin R. Free, Lauren Sharpe, Felicia Day, Marc Evan Jackson, Molly Quinn, Fred (the OS computer voice), Wil Wheaton, Symphony Sanders, Aliee Chan, Jasika Nicole, Desiree Burch, Retta, Hal Lublin, Dylan Marron, Jeffrey Cranor, and Flor De Liz Perez. Weather: "Second Song" by Joseph Fink. josephfink.bandcamp.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the midlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. I know many of you have a few things you'd like to say. So let me start things off. Welcome to Nightvale. Hi, folks. Leonard Burton here. host of Nightvale Community Radio.

Or I was once. I'm... Not anymore. Anyway, I appeared suddenly at this microphone holding a champagne flute, so I suppose I must be giving a toast. Congratulations. On voyage, I'm excited about the new baby, the brand new career, the graduation, your hundredth birthday, whatever's being celebrated.

Whatever time is being marked. Well done. You've done it. Or are about to. What is this party anyway? Cecil, is that you? Why, you don't look a day older than when you first started working for me. You know what's delicious?

Mice. I found out recently. I'm allergic, though. So if you've been noticing more mice in your house, It's because I get a rash whenever I eat them. Sorry. Everyone's staring at me now. Oh, and Teddy Williams just fainted.

Acting like he's never seen an old woman without a face holding a glass of Merlot in a microphone. Whom do you think refolds all of your dollar bills into origami spiders and staples them to your ceiling while you sleep, Teddy? Whom? This is good wine. What? Don't look shocked. Can't an old woman without a face take a drink of wine without public judgment? Just because I don't have a mouth.

Oh, I've spilled it all down my dress. Never mind, that's just blood. What was I saying? Sorry about the mice infestations everywhere. Maybe if it's such a bother for you, you could eat them yourselves. Like I said, they're delicious. Not super flavorful. It's more about the texture, I guess.

Anyway, your future will be filled with love and joy. I can say that much. I don't mean it, but I can say it. Wow, that's really good. Cheers. I... I'm Diane Creighton. I'm very sorry to cut this short.

I have to go. Josh has a dance recital tonight. He grew several extra legs just for this recital. He would be so disappointed. This is great. It's great. I'm sorry, Josh is getting impatient. I know because he always grows horns when he's impatient.

Cheers, everyone. Hi, folks, I'm John Peters. You know, the farmer? Oh, yes, John, we always know. You're a farmer. We get it. Oh, okay, Sheriff. I'm happy to be here.

I'm happy to be anywhere. As a farmer, I have to think a lot about statistics. For instance, statistically, the world is unlikely to have happened. And so, as a pragmatic fellow, I have to assume that it didn't, and that what I'm experiencing is a manifestation of my own denial about the ghastly nothing that surrounds me. To sum up, congratulations. Great party I'm imagining here. Hi, I'm Deb, a sentient patch of haze, and I'm here to give a toast on behalf of Ritz Crackers. You know how you humans have hands because you're mentally weak and unable to be able to

to lift objects with your mind, and you know how you might accidentally jam your hand against something, and a finger might bend painfully back, back so far that the bone snaps, a gunshot within your own body, pain. Unbelievable pain. But before the agony first comes the simple, clean snap, separation, pop. Ritz crackers. When you think Ritz, think about breaking your finger. Also, congratulations. This seems like a pitifully mortal affair. Hello, Night Vale. If you are seeing this, then there must be some sort of party going on that I am not at.

I prepared this video from present in case there might be a future party that I can't get to. Or that I wasn't invited to, because I don't think anyone truly likes us... Enough self-pity! We find meaning within ourselves without waiting for meaning to be assigned to us! us and if anyone doesn't like it, we burn them alive! Right, right. And also, congratulations to whoever this party we're not at is for. Whatever reason you're having a party, good job on that. I'm glad it happened. I can't state an emotional response to an event that is still unknown to me,

but there is a high probability that I would be happy about this party, yes, except if you're hearing this, then I am not at the party, which means there is a higher probability that I am not happy about it. Okay, great. Uh, Violet, anything you want to add? I don't trust recorded communication. You never know what the government will do with it. I'll just say congratulations the next time I see everyone. Okay, then. Cheers, y'all. Happiness is pretty popular, I guess. Everyone's always trying to be happy, so I don't really want to be happy. But I am, and it's fine, I guess. Once I ironically went to a Katie Perry concert, but ended up having a great time, especially the finale, where she peeled off all her skin and proclaimed that beauty is right here. And then she pulled

out her own heart and swatted it like a beach ball toward her backup dancers. But then I found out James Blake used to do the same thing at his shows, so... Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, This is nice Or whatever You're nice Good job attempting to be happy Yeah I agree with Michelle I tried to be happy once when I was 13

Just to prove a point And I only made it a couple of weeks And I gave up when I found out that other people were copying me I'm happy now Happy I'm here Also I'm not mad anymore No one asked Maureen cheese That's not true though

I asked I asked myself Maureen, are you still angry? And then I answered that question out loud just now. Anyway, we're cool, okay? Did you just say cool? No. Hello, I am Maggie Penebaker, and this is my husband.

Donald Penebaker. If you'd like a joke at the start of this toast, press one. That's just some telephone menu humor. Now, most of you have probably spoken to us at some point or another, when you've called any of your local services and gone through our telephone tree. But today isn't about us. It's about a... Celebration.

Of... Love. Here's to you. Here's to love. Here's to our town in which love happens. All of your... Electric bills... Are due.

Immediately. Failure to pay might result in... A meteor strike. Have a great... Party. Everyone. Hi, all you beautiful, happy people. Unfortunately, I couldn't be there because I was told that if I try to enter Night Vale,

you will all attack me. And while that is very welcoming, I'm just too busy in Desert Bluffs, too. But I'm sending this tape to congratulate you. Congratulations. Oh, for those that don't know me, I'm Kevin. And I'm Lauren. Oh, yes. Lauren Mallard is here, too.

Remember her? Well, most of you might remember me as your boss when Strexcorp owned your little town. I've spent the last couple of years dry-lipped and starving and wandering an endless looping desert other world before stumbling here on this town that is just like the town I once lived in. And we are tickled to have you here, Lauren, especially once I explain to you that I'm in charge now.

Not StrexCorp. I'm in charge. And happy to do it. Yes, yes, it took some explaining. But I do understand that now. Well, we won't take up any more of your time. I know that your hearts must be bursting with joy, right now. And nothing makes us happier than bursting hearts.

Boom! No, there it's got. We just wanted to send you this video of us smiling. Yes, Night Vale, watch us smile. What are they doing? I've never seen a living thing do that. Turn that off. Turn that tape recorder off right? Melanie Pennington here. I don't know who any of you are, but it seems like a good time to say, Um, yay! You seem so happy. So that's good, I think. People can be happy for nefarious reasons, I suppose, so I should temper my comfort a bit. Anyway, while sitting through whatever strange ceremony we just sat through, I fixed some of the bugs in one of my first programming projects. See?

Welcome to you and joy. I am computer. I brought you a gift. The computer is printing out a picture of a gift-wrapped box. Thanks, computer. You are welcome, Melanie. I just want to add that I'm so happy for this day and so very proud of you both. It's been a real honor to help cater this event. I hope you like the cake. I made it from scratch using farm fresh creed, eggs, red snapper, and ground cumin.

Thank you, person next to me. I don't remember your name. It's Earl Harlan. Melanie, we came to this together. We've been friends for years. Computer simulates happiness for you. Man at East. Okay, shutting you down now.

Hi, I'm sure most of you know me. No, Vesema, you're the best. Unless you mean at Unarmed Combat, then I'm the best. Given the occasion, I thought it might be nice to read a passage from one of my favorite books. This is Sonnet 43 from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet from the Portuguese. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee when thou bringest coffee.

in bed or suggest that we go to brunch instead. I eat French toast, but take bites of thine eggs, like, oh dude, I love thee with so much grace and praise and poise and style and pizzazz, each day's most quiet need and all that jazz. Love thee just as much as I love the cave, that cave in our yard from which voices sound, demanding all our smiles, tears and breath. When the voices speak, time goes all unwound. Merciful cave, we grovel, offer flesh, we will enter the cave, crawl underground. I shall but love thee better after death. A famous love poem, but for good reason. May you never forget that at the heart of any strong relationship, there is a cave. A cave you will both someday crawl into and never be

heard from again. Cheers. Cheers. It is such a big day. As mayor, I declare that today is a big day. I always knew today would come. Just look at any calendar and you can see every single day that will come. They're all laid out right there. For a long time, I thought I wouldn't get to see today in person, but here I am. Our time and our place matching here within the simple geometry of a monthly plan. The City Council sends their regards as well. Before I left, they glowered and glowed, and I could hear a soft growl. Not the growl of madness or of being mad, it was a kind of growl you hear from rainwater drains along the curbs late at night.

A sweet, caring growl. Also, our Director of Emergency Press conferences, Pamela came too. She wanted to wish you the best. Yes, thank you, Mayor Cardinal. People of Night Vale, people below Nightvale, and all of the people prepositionally existing somewhere. I am here to tell you that the planets are all wrong. I have spent weeks staring into the sky and I can tell you, the planets are all wrong. Misaligned, sure, but more than that, they are so small. Planets should not be. that small. Thank you for listening. Be safe, Night Vale. What Pamela means is congratulations. I refuse to congratulate anything that is not the right size. Oh, sorry everyone.

I'm being told we need to move this inside because of, well, you know, the weather. Be too long And it may all come out wrong But I wrote you a second song Eventually It may go out of tune And it may end all too soon But I wrote you a second song

Eventually Eventually Still kids when we met We're not kids anymore We've set sail for times Distant Shore I'm not afraid of aging, not with you by my side. Life ain't long, but it is wine.

So it may have a couple faults, but I wrote you this little waltz. Yes, I wrote you a second song eventually. And it still could fall apart, but at least it had a start, because I wrote you a second song eventually. Eventually Travel so much that nowhere feels like home Except the home that we've made in our bones And you know that I know that we know the way

Go hand in hand into each day And from our bed without lifting our heads La da da da da da da da da da da Stars, drifting snow, no cars. La da da da da da da da da da da da La da da da da da da da da da I don't know what is next But I know what is now

Taking all joy life allows It took six years to write this But just say the word Tomorrow I'll write you a third It may come out all wrong out all wrong and it may not be too long but I wrote you a second song eventually it may go out of tune and it's gonna end really soon but I wrote you a second song eventually eventually I don't have song enough to say you've changed my life in every

way but I wrote you a second song eventually Eventually. Yeah, sure, whatever. I have nearly infinite powers, so it's pretty basic helping you to a mic. No need to brag. Okay, well, Cecil, I remember when you finally grew old enough to join the bowling team. Who's this kid think he is, we all thought. And you have to be honest with yourself, you weren't that good at the time.

But you were friendly and entertaining to talk to. Sometimes it's more important to have delightful people around you than it is to succeed at some arbitrary goal you've given yourself. That's one of the many things I've learned on my way from little Josie Ortiz to old woman Josie. And speaking of delightful people, Carlos, you might not have noticed, but we're suspicious of newcomers around here. We tend to point and shout interloper. But you understood that people are just silly about change, and the older we get, the sillier about change we're. get. Carlos, you are a delightful person. I don't know how much longer I have. I guess none of us do, except those of us who peaked at our death day in the Hall of Public Records. But I lived long

enough to see you two on this day. I surrounded myself with delightful people. You can't hope for a better life than that. Erica, help me down from here. They're tired of listening to an old woman talk. They all want to eat cake. Erica! Yeah, okay, I'm coming. I'm gonna get emotional, but I'll try to hold it together. You know, Cecil and I first met at one of these things. Seems like we should have met earlier than that. I had dated his sister for a while.

But Cecil is busy. He serves his community. He really gives himself to his community. Who do you live for, you know? Who do you give yourself to? Those are questions we should all be asking ourselves. There are many questions we should all be asking ourselves. Question everything, I guess, would be my main advice.

Oh, the sheriff is making throat-cutting gestures to me, indicating I should stop talking about that. And also to threaten that they'll cut my throat if I keep going. Sorry, Sam, Carlos. Unlike most of us, you don't tell yourself a story of what you want the world to be. You wait for the world to tell you what it is, and then you take it as it reveals itself to you. What a rare and precious gift.

When I met you, I could tell you saw me for me, not for any stories you'd been told about me. I love you, Carlos. And I love you, Cecil. We don't always see eye to eye, but more and more, we have stood shoulder to shoulder, members of the same family. I'm getting teary-eyed. I said I would. To Cecil and Carlos, I'm proud to be able to call you family. I said once that a home is just a grouping of objects connected by a shared personal experience of time,

which was just a fancy way of really just asking you to move in with me, and it worked. But I wasn't wrong, and I know now that a relationship is just a grouping of moments connected by that same shared personal experience of time. What it means to make a life together is to take the experience. experience of two different lives and choose to interpret them as a single shared narrative. So in other words, changing the story about you, or the story about me, into a story about us. Do you remember before the throat surgery when I sounded like this? Science is neat. Well, science is neat, and I still believe that.

But I know now that a lot of things are neat. Having a quiet breakfast with another person as neat. Calling someone over to experience a particularly noisy sunset is neat. This town is neat. Night Vale is neat. Love is neat. Love is very neat, actually. And you are neat.

That first night when we sat on the trunk of my car and looked at the the lights above the Arby's. When we got up to leave, I looked at you, and I tried to think of how to say everything I was feeling, but I've never really been good at describing feelings. I'm only good at describing facts, and love isn't a fact, you know, love, it's a hunch at first, and then later it's a series of decisions, a lifetime of decisions. That's love. And I didn't, I didn't know how to express that. And so I just said, I'm glad I decided to call you. And now, um, tonight, I say I'm glad again for this decision and all the decisions that will come every day after,

which is to say, scientifically speaking, of course, speaking from the point of view of mere facts and logic and, you know, um, what with the science and all? I just, just thought that it was time for us to make a life together. I guess it's my turn now. It's funny, I make my living speaking to you all, and now I'm up here, and I don't quite know what to say. In the last few years, we have experienced truly terrifying things and wonderful things.

We have lost our town and regained our town. We have met new people. We have met incredible new people. I don't have to tell you that Carlos has perfect hair and teeth like a military cemetery. You have eyes, most of you. Sorry, faceless old woman. I don't need to tell you that his voice is oaky.

Or that his enthusiasm about science is inspiring and also deeply erotic. So instead, I will tell you this. It hasn't always been an easy few years, but through it all, just knowing that Carlos was there, that no matter what else happened, we would come back to each other, holding hands like two kids flirting on a first date, that's what kept me believing in this town. My love for Night Vale and my love for Carlos are the same life. It is the love of someone who has given their life completely to something beyond themselves.

I once described Nightvale as a friendly desert community. Where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. I know nowhere friendlier. I know nowhere hotter. The moon is still beautiful. serious lights still pass overhead, and Carlos, I can't wait for every night I get to pretend to sleep next to you.

That's it for the party. Thanks to everyone who came and all the kind things you said. Stay tuned next for a drunk, newly married couple long after the well-wishers have left, piling up bags of garbage and stacking chairs in a rented banquet hall because they want to get their deposit back. Good night. Oh, yes, thanks, Lacey. And good night.

Nightvale, and every person who can hear my voice. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voices you heard today were James Urbaniak. Mara Wilson, Annie Savage, Mark Gagliardi, Emma Franklin, Meg Bashwinner, who also has been saying these credits to you for 100 episodes or so. It's me, hi.

Jackson Public, Kate Jones, Maureen Johnson, Erica Livingston, Christopher Lorre, Kevin R. Free, Lauren Sharp, Felicia Day, Molly Quinn, Fred, the OS computer voice, Will. Wheaton, Symphony Sanders, Ali Chan, Jacica Nicole, Desiree Birch, Mark Evan Jackson, Reda, Hal Lublin, Dylan Marin, Jeffrey Kraner, and Flore Deliz Perez. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion. info or at disparation.com. This episode's weather was Second Song by Joseph Fink. You can download it, and his weather songs from the first year of Nightvale at josephink.Banktbancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com, or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio, or come up with as many dog names as possible. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as to see what's new with us and check in.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. Let's make another 100 episodes. Today's proverb, it's always darkest before the dawn. We are often reassured by people who are totally wrong about how the sun works. Hi, we're Meg Bashminer. And Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Nightvail, and on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files,

where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.