Welcome to Night Vale - 104 - The Hierarchy of Angels

Episode Date: March 15, 2017

Let's start the news with something happy. Weather: "Qualified" by Sammus feat. Open Mike Eagle sammusmusic.bandcamp.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see

our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks. I know you are, but What am I? What am I? What am I? What am I? Welcome to Nightveh. I should start today with something happy. In his speech yesterday honoring the life of old woman Josie, Larry Leroy out on the edge of town and Josie's closest neighbor, told a story about his pickup breaking down a few years ago. Josie had stopped on the roadside to help him push the old Chevy the mile or so to his house. In the last few hundred feet, the truck picked up momentum on the sloped road, and it rolled out of their control into a large cactus. They heard a surprised yelp and saw Telly the barber, wide-eyed and sweating, holding a pair of shears.

Josie and Larry laughed and laughed. Even the surprised Telly laughed. Larry then asked Telly why he was cutting that cactus's hair. Telly gulped and ran away, still laughing and sweating profusely. Larry told the gathered mourners that he didn't have many friends in town. But old woman Josie was always kind to him. Always a smile. Always happy to help.

Always good for a giggle when she caught Telly giving cacti haircuts. The services were beautiful. You know that. you were all there. We were all there. I know I said gathered mourners, but in a way, we were gathered celebrants, extolling the great life of a great woman, now gone. Today is the scattering of her ashes, and the city is working to fulfill Josie's wishes. They are joined in this endeavor by several beings claiming to be angels. The city is trying to ignore the angels' request to help because it is illegal to acknowledge the existence of angels. So we'll see how this goes. The dozens of five-headed

dragons who came to our world after the botched, yet partially successful execution of fellow dragon, Hyra McDaniels, are still in town. Hiram's sister, Hadassah, had promised vengeance for the wrongful murder of Hiram's violet head. But, after several weeks of setting fire to local businesses, and devouring a few of the more muscular human citizens, the dragons have gone mostly silent. Their aggressions now limited to some blatant jaywalking and loitering. There has been one report of an unidentified five-headed dragon hurling a crumpled fresca-can basketball style at a trash bin, missing the trash bin wildly, and then,

picking the soda can up and gently tossing it into the bin, only to have it clumsily fall out and back onto the ground. Onlookers were shot to see that the dragon did not even attempt a third put back, and the can is still lying on the ground this very moment. The can is still on the ground. Mayor Cardinal has called on the sheriff for a stricter enforcement of minor offenses, so they do not escalate into more sinister crimes. Plus, she added, if we do not clean litter from our curbs, the street cleaners might show up, and we simply cannot afford the loss of innocent lives that would cause. More on this, as it develops. Josie's daughter, Alondra Ortiz, who came to town last year to be with her ailing mother until Josie passed away, is now sorting

through Josie's estate and documents. Alondra said she found no will. in Josie's files, only a piece of paper that said, It all belongs to the angels. But Alondra noted the handwriting was written shakily in thick magic marker, and every word but it and thee was misspelled. She believes the beings who claim to be angels wrote this, not her mother. The angels responded, nah-a, and then nervously wiped their brows with clearly ink-stained.

hands. Allondra hired an estate lawyer to help sort out liquidation of her mother's assets. Alondra said she just wants to be done with all this and go back home. When asked where home was, Alondra responded, I don't remember. Why can't I remember? That's not important. I mean, it's super important, but not to this discussion. Oh, God, what is wrong with me? With this town? A single-engine plane, then flew across the horizon behind her, trailing a banner that read, Oh, I found some teeth. Listeners, some of you have asked about our intern, Kareem.

He's been at the station for so long, about 16 months, much longer than any other intern in recent memory. Well, I'm sorry to report. He is no longer with us. He was a good intern, and he will be missed. Kareem changed majors from communications to Earth Sciences and no longer needs this radio internship. He is taking classes with Professor Simone Rigido

at Nightvale Community College. Simone is not actually employed by NVCC, and in one of Kareem's last journalistic endeavors here at the station, he even found a copy of her death certificate, dated 1983. Although she does not show any signs of being a ghost. But apparently her knowledge of Earth sciences intrigued Kareem enough that he wanted to change career trajectories. Karim told me on his last day, which was today, like five minutes before I started my broadcast, is when I found out about this. He told me Simone knows what happened to Night Vale, why Kareen's family doesn't know him anymore,

and why he can't find Mitchelgan or whatever his home state is. on a map. I'm just happy Kareem is pursuing his dreams, even if he's going to lose all those journalism credits, and today's filing will have to be done by an overworked radio host before he gets to go home to his husband. It's going to be a long path to that degree, Kareem. I'm sure you'll do great.

Listeners, I'd like to caution you away from driving near downtown. Road crews have shut down all streets in all directions, as a construction team is building a series of elaborate roller coasters and amusement park rides, many of which do dives and loops around, under, and through the surrounding buildings and even roads. It's complete gridlock all over downtown, with cars unable to drive into or out of the jam. On the plus side, there's a pretty cool-looking Aquaman ride that does, a double-twisting loop through a large pool of water that is elevated more than 50 feet off the ground. Mayor Cardinal is on the scene arguing with the construction team about their lack of

development permits. The construction crew, who are all tall, glowing beings with wings, showed the mayor a piece of paper that said, this is all totally fine. Josie said we can build this, okay? Signed, City, written in a magic marker and nearly every word misspelled. Alondra Ortiz's lawyer, Emilio Tavarez, filed an injunction to halt the work, saying that the funds used toward the construction of these roller coasters were part of Josie's estate and were being misappropriated by the so-called angels. There is no documentation showing Josie wished her money to be spent this way, Tavarez explained. The construction team then mumbled,

A dummy says what? And Tavarez said, what? And they all laughed, including the mayor, who then added, yeah, but yeah, seriously, you need building permits, even if you are fulfilling the elaborate wishes of the deceased. We'll have more on this soon, but first, a quick break. This is Cecil. Leave a message. Hello, Cecil? It's Steve.

Okay, I'm not sure if you're there or not. Last few times I called, you said to leave a message at the tone, and then halfway into my message you interrupted me and said, Ha, ha, Steve, you fell for it again. So I'm just making sure you're actually there this time. I have something I wanted to tell you so you could report it on your show. Are you there, Cecil? I don't want to fall for your trick again.

Okay. Well, I was getting some coffee over at the Spiky Hammer. and I held the door for this woman I didn't recognize. She just stared at me, didn't say thank you or anything. I mean, I don't hold doors for approval. It's just a nice thing to do. But she efforted to not thank me, you know? And then when I stood in line, she stood right next to me,

her face just inches from mine staring at me. And I tried not to look. It's not nice to stare. She didn't say anything for the longest time, but right as I placed my order, A large Gravlax Machiato with quad-shot and whipped cream, she started whispering loudly in my ear. I couldn't understand what she was saying, and it made it difficult to talk to the barista. And then, when I turned to ask her, politely, if she wanted me to get her something, she was gone.

I wish I could remember what the woman said. Oh gosh, it was something like... Hmm... That woman from Italy has come back. to town. Nothing can stop her from tearing it down. She lives for your screams, makes meals of your tears. She revels in chaos and deals in your fears. We all huddle and hide from the pain yet to come. Huddled hidden with loved ones, perhaps she'll spare some. She brings the torture, the trouble, the stress. So, can you order

for her a double espresso. Well, I don't remember what she said. If I think of it, I'll call you back. Anyway, sorry I missed you, Cecil. I'm here, Steve. You totally fell for it. Oh, oh, you got me. Basic stuff, Steve. Sure is. Wow, you got me good.

I tease you because I love you, Steve. Oh, Cecil. I love you too, big brother. Just kidding. I'm not here. Please leave your message after. the tone. Hello? Cecil, I'm not sure what just happened. I guess I'll try again later. Sorry for the interruption. It looks like I got a voicemail. Oh, it's from Steve Carlsberg. Well, never mind. There's breaking news right now. Stay far away from downtown, listeners. The traffic jam caused by the halted construction project is in great danger. The cars are honking noisily. People are

abandoning their vehicles, but the sheriff is asking everyone to seek immediate shelter. Several dragons are converging on the scene. The dragons have everyone in the congested area completely surrounded. They are walking, no, stomping toward the helpless citizens trapped in traffic. Nightvale, do not go out on the roads. The dragons have us exactly where they want us. Oh, what a disastrous trap. Be safe. And as I try to find out more on what's happening in downtown. Please, hear this important weather report. Am I qualified, qualify?

Am I qualified, qualified, qualify? Am I qualified, qualified, qualified? I'm staring into his eyes, and he's the most beautiful person I've ever met. Then my burdens arrive. They're chilling my vibe. Burning inside like a cigarette, figured that he will not want to be intimate. I tell him sometimes I'm not intimate.

He says, that's okay. You're wonderful like a bouquet. and then we climb into bed. We hug and we kiss a lot, and it hits the spot. I tell him I love him. He tell me he loved me. I tell him to get in my tummy.

I'm yelling, I'm coming. But it's more than the sex. He claims that I'm great, that I'm really amazing. But a couple more days in, I don't know. Will he still say the same thing? Am I qualified, qualified? Am I qualified, qualified? Hell if I know.

But I'm terrified, you. Well, I'm covered my soul. And I'll run inside and I want to hide, wonder what did I do. Am I qualified, qualified, qualify, qualify, hellified. Am I qualified? Check my qualifiers like I'm open mic, but I'm hella tired. In terms of my music, things seem to be going okay, but I'm not really sure. Like what if I lose it? How will I know what I'm making is not some manure? I lock myself in peeking under the doors.

Yes, I will admit that it's tough to endure. The feeling I might hit a sill and revealing that it won't be long. I'm feeling that it won't belong to the cracks start appearing. I'm filling the holes like the backs of an earring till slowly it grows. The gaps is apparent. My fans will stage a big coup they talk.

They're chanting, they're yelling, oh, you are flop. Let me chew me out like I'm food for thought. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to dry. Am I qualified, qualified? Am I qualified, qualified? Hell invite you. But I'm terrified you. Well, I'm covered my soul.

And I'll run inside, and I want to hide. I want to hide, wonder what did I do? Am I qualified, qualify? Am I qualified, qualified? Why would I guess? What if the answer is yes? And if they're impressed, then why would I stress? Because questioning keeps but depressed,

reaching the deep in the mess, because weakest the flesh, but flesh is what's here, though. My soul's an invisible here, oh, when I need something real at my ear holes, because my positive feelings are zero, and I feel like I'm 300 years old. cold in the fear foes big in different dimensions I'm bigger than what I get pears though if the beer's cold then I'm drinking it cause it lets me hold when I'm thinking

that different people have been given the picks for the keyholes we'll be knowing that shit is ridiculous day something else here now something new from exclusively on paramount plus it's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell everything here is impossible but it's also real Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus.

Here is the secret hierarchy of angels. Deceased humans can become angels, but few humans do. Angels are immortal beings, but not all. All of them are former human souls. Some are animals, some plants, some outdated electronics. They are all named Erika with a K. All angels are equal to all other angels. They share all memories and all physical sensations.

They experience everything simultaneously. Their minds are overwhelmed with enlightenment and pain. They have no centralized leadership, but they do have committees. Lots of committees. These committees do not have titles nor objectives. The committees simply emerge as needed. Angels are wealthy, but do not understand currency. They will often ask to borrow ten bucks.

Angels have no bodies, only visual projections of winged, barely humanoid forms. These forms are dreamed up by those who see and acknowledge them and may vary based on the viewer. The secret hierarchy of angels is an ethereal mass of feelings and thoughts made manifest by necessity. They are only individual beings because we imagine them so, but they are collectively beings. It is illegal to speak of or acknowledge in any way the secret hierarchy of angels. but I will acknowledge it. Here, on the radio, I am an objective journalist, which does not mean I have no morals or opinions,

just that I can be self-aware of my biases and emotions, yet still report a story transparently to you. You may not agree with my point of view, but I will do my best to give you the information you need to decide that on your own. In the case of the angels, I acknowledge them. I see them. And because Josie always said such, I too believe that they are real beings and are entitled to Josie's estate. So does five-headed dragon Miriam Adelman.

She's a lawyer. And the angels hired her to represent their case for management of Josie's will. Oh, the dragons did not do any harm to those in traffic today. They were simply the legal team coming. to help facilitate Josie's final wish, which was to build a Night Vale Sculpture Garden, complete with the usual roller coasters and tilt-wurls and an enormous Ferris wheel. Josie wanted to have her ashes scattered underneath Giacomo Manzu's famous sculpture, top thrill dragster, which has a 400-foot drop and reaches over 120 miles per hour.

Adelman and her legal team managed to push through the Sculpture Garden construction, which is now complete, and Josie's ashes have finally been honored in the way she wanted. Alondra ceded this ground because she understood how important this town was to Josie. But she added, my mother's home, her belongings, her money, her legacy, these are all I have of my family. I have no siblings, no cousins, and no parents. I am the only Ortiz left. I do not know or understand Nightvale, Alondra said. I do not believe in angels, nor dragons, for that matter. I just want what is left of my mother's memory, and then I want to go home, wherever that is.

The city has declined to hear further arguments about estate ownership from Edelman or her angel clients. As the dragons are not licensed to practice law anywhere on this earth, and their clients, the angels, don't legally exist. The secret hierarchy of angels is a cloud of knowledge formed from the collected experiences of the deceased. Josie might be among them now, or she might not. All I know is that Josie loved Night Vale and we loved her. I am going to go to the Sculpture Garden today to pay my respects. Carlos and I will hold hands and lay flowers at the ash-strewn base of Manzu's towering masterpiece of contemporary sculpture.

And then we will purchase a souvenir photo of ourselves screaming in joy and sorrow while engaged in a 120-mile-per-hour free fall, demonstrating our fervent arts advocacy exactly as Josie would have wanted. I hope all of you will join me in honor and not only the life of Josephina Ortiz, but the lives of the angels who loved her too. Stay tuned next for hosts Josh and Chuck and their wildly popular show, Stuff You Shouldn't Know, which as usual will be an unbroken redaction beep for 30 straight minutes. No one has ever heard Josh or Chuck speak. And as always, good night, Night Vale. Josie was beautiful and angels are real.

Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Steve Carlsberg was Hal Lublin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition. info or at disparition.com. com. This episode's weather was qualified by Samus. Find out more at samis music.bamcamp.com. That's S-A-M-M-U-S.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio. Or just try to get a hold of your life for a second. Check out Welcome to Nightfail.com for more information on this show and to pre-order our new Welcome to Nightvale novel. Oh my God, we wrote another novel. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. It's the future that liberals want. Today's proverb, a million dollars isn't a sandwich.

You know what's a sandwich? A taco. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 2026, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest,

starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at Welcome to Nightveal.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad.

Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. And hey, thanks.