Welcome to Night Vale - 113 - Niecelet

Episode Date: September 1, 2017

There's a new member of the family. This episode was co-written with Dessa. (@dessadarling) Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbail merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

Good evening. Good evening, fine citizens. I'm your late-night host this week, here to keep you company after sundown. Welcome to Nightbair. As you regular listeners already know, I took over the night shifts this week because I've been spending my days with a very special house guest. Well, more like one and a half house guests. My favorite cousin Sabina is visiting, and she's seven months pregnant with one. What will be my second ever niece? Well, my first ever niece once removed.

First ever niece once removed. That takes too long. Let's do niecelet. My sister's daughter, Janice, is a teenager. It's been so long since I've had a new baby in my family. So if you hear a certain knowing avuncular quality in my voice, it's because you are listening to an expected uncle. I'm already getting some of those leather patches.

onto the elbows of my windbreaker. All week, Sabina and I have been reading baby books, and I am a veritable expert at this point. A baby at seven months is as big as an eggplant. She can already get the hiccups and deja baby vu, and has a fully developed sense of comedic timing. I'm holding an eggplant with me here in the studio to practice supporting her neck. also to make sure I have something to eat when I get home. Sabina's cleaned out the fridge pretty thoroughly. Back at my place, Sabina's been keeping the radio on 24-7, so the niece lit will know the owner of this Dulcet baritone already loves her very much.

Hello, almost niece? Doing all this reading together, it seems crazy to learn just how vulnerable we are when we first enter the world. Did you know that a newborn doesn't even have kneecaps yet? That it has a hole in the top of its skull, which must be taped shut so the newborn does not escape through it during the night. It's amazing. Any of us survive to these shaming ceremonies at all.

Speaking of rites of passage, the annual Night Vale Science Fair is scheduled for this Monday night. Every fourth grader is expected to report to the rec center for a fun-filled evening of free programs and live demonstrations. Organizers say the kiddos will have a chance to make a one-to-one scale volcano that spews real ash and molten igneous rock. They'll learn how a pile of pennies can be transformed into a battery, simply by taking those pennies to Walgreens and exchanging them for a pack of Duracel AAs. They'll learn about centipidal force by pouring a bucket full of water, and then filling

out a worksheet on centripetal force. They'll plant a bean sprout in a styrofoam cup that won't disintegrate until their grandchildren have set off on exploratory missions to find another planet that can support bean sprouts. Hmm, what else might be on the community calendar for this week, you ask? Well, let me work at my own pace over here, okay, pal? Like all jobs worth doing, this one takes focus and patience. You can't just rush through it.

As my optometrist says, measure twice, cut once, then do the left eye. So I guess that's really measure four times total and then cut two times. But I had an astigmatism, so I ended up just sticking with context anyway. So, let's see. This week's events. On Tuesday night, head over to the Banshell to hear a set from Aroboros, the rock band that only plays covers of their own songs. Wednesday, ablution in fresca to celebrate the start of the Andoran New Year.

Thursday is thirsty Thursday. Consume no liquids. You're going to get real thirsty. Friday has been indefinitely delayed by weather at O'Hare and is now pleading with a united representative for a hotel voucher to avoid sleeping in a plastic chair in Concourse Z. Early morning on Saturday, we are in for a rare astronomical treat. The Earth will fully eclipse the Sun, blotting out its light completely, so that only a ring of wispy blue remains visible against the blackness. Now, this eclipse will not be observable on Earth, of course.

And to our knowledge, there is no planet on which this phenomenon could be observed. There's just nothing on that particular vector in space. But at 4.13 a.m. on Saturday morning, the total eclipse will occur, and that blue corona will shine softly in the dark, like a delicate smoke ring. And that dim blue halo will represent the entirety of us. Our dramas, dreams, and disappointments. The first ride without the training wheels. Our eighth grade dances, our double windsors and our veils, our sleepless, nights in waiting rooms, our rush hour commutes, our dozing through recitals till the one we love goes on, our crying in the car as the one we love leaves home. Just that thin filament of blue on which we wage our peace. Then on Sunday, tacos and gun safety with three-eyed bill at First

Methodist. Stay tuned, savvy listeners, for in a moment I'll be sharing Nightveil's third quarter economic development report. To my knowledge, we've never had an economic development report before, for any quarter, but the press release looked official, and we all know that new municipal arms of government form all the time, arms that then pull back to be reabsorbed by the governmental shoulder from which they sprout it. But before crunching those numbers, a quick message from today's sponsor. Equinox GEO

At Equinox, we focus on the whole body, particularly the soft and vulnerable parts of that body. Stop by our windowless complex today to meet with a dietician about this month's promotion, the Zima Cleanse. Or for even faster results, nothing torches calories like our calorie torch. Also, new members this week to Equinox receive 60 days free access to our popular Judgment Spa. This has been a word from our sponsor. Now to business news. That's not unusually powerful to you? I sort of took myself by surprise there.

Like I grew a suit or something. The Nightvale Economic Development Board, or Nev-Vec DevB for short and cumbersome, sent a press release at the closing bell of the Nightvale Stock Exchange. The bulletin said that futures are down, way down. although the recent past is trading briskly. In response to declining levels of interest, NevevekDevB plans to incentivize consumer spending. At the start of tomorrow's business day, they'll launch an adjutop campaign of xenophobia, branded as nationalism, branded as Civic Pride, branded as a 2008 F-150 Ford truck, with satellite radio, air-conditioned seats, and a heavy-duty hitch to haul away whatever it is you're trying to hide. So make plans this weekend to head out towards the used car lot with your hands in the air and your checkbook in your mouth to meet with a salesperson about financing options.

You might be surprised by how few years of indentured servitude can get you behind the wheel of a Ford truck. You know what cars make me think of? Well, Carlos, I guess, but everything makes me think of. And his name is an anagram of low cars. He's out of town at Erlenmeyer Flaskon this week, and I miss him something fierce. But what I was going to say is that the thought of buying a car reminds me of my niecelot. It's extraordinary to think that she'll be a teenager someday, getting her driver's permit, then her license, then her crossbow, going through all of these phases we all pass through. It's like there's a future attached to her already.

Inside Sabina there's a baby, and seated inside the baby, there's the toddler, and within her are the blueprints for the girl, and soon she'll be out here learning to play the sitar and considering vegetarianism, then voting and buying lottery tickets. Well, those are the same thing, really. And I'll get to bear witness to this blooming life. Someday she might even decide to have a niece of her own. Oh, okay.

Something is in Young Cecil's eye over here. Hang tight, team. I'm just going to run out and grab a box of tissues from the supply closet to remove this bothersome. Okay, listeners, I must admit, I'm in a state of concerned agitation here. When I tried to open the door of the studio, the handle, the handle. came off in my hand, and when I went to reinsert it, I found that the hole was tamped full of soft hot tar, which cannot be up to code. So now I find myself in a small, soundproof, airtight room with a doorless handle in my left hand and a handleless door before me. I'm, uh, huh, I'm uncertain of just how.

to proceed. I can't imagine there's more than a few hours worth of oxygen in here. Even if the studio's potted fern works double duty on converting the carbon dioxide. Oh man, and of course, I left my phone in my jeans in the other room, you know, after I changed into my professional radio hosting Unitar. I, okay, I need some time to assess the situation. I'll leave you to the weather. Calm down, Cecil, calm down, and you can beat this. Be like the patient viper who does not strike until his prey is upon him. Be like the praying mantis whose head is a guitar pick. Keep your heart rate low and your focus steady.

And good God, sit down, man. Save your strength. Breathe deep enough to get the air inside your brain and think. What would an uncle do? I've got it. Hmm. I've got it. Easy. I just need one of you to come and open the door.

Okay, here I am behaving like I'm alone, but of course I'm not alone. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, I've got all of Nightdale listening. Ooh, that is a relief. Come to think of it, I imagine hundreds of you may be on your way already. And I can't have the whole town rushing over all at once. That would cause traffic jams, hysteria, straight line winds gusting up to 60 knots. If you are on your way, just shoot a quick flare into the sky so that everybody knows you're the one on the way.

More importantly, so that I know you're on the way. It's like 8pm. You're not all in your PJs yet. Just need one person to make the trip. It's like an eight-minute drive from your apartment. Come on! is no one listening? I mean, the memo for management at the last all-staff meeting did mention low late-night ratings, but this is not low.

This is talking into a tin can on a string whose other end is tied to a fire hydrant at the bottom of the sea. This is utter futility. This is falling in the woods and no one's there to hear you. This is not seeing the Cecil for the trees. This is Kafka meets Beckett and tells us. him to talk to the hand. This is stop. Full stop. Cecil. This indignation

does me no good at all. Just burns through my oxygen supply, which is running low already. This rate will never survive until the morning commuters tune in. Just think,

Cecil. Think like an uncle. There is at least one person listening. Babies never sleep through the Right, right? So you, Nislet, you should be able to hear me, though I imagine the sound of my voice may be muffled by the blankets on the guest bed and Sabina's abdominal muscles. All right, Nislet, I need you. We've got to find a way to wake up Sabina. I need you to kick. Brace your little elbows on the soft wall behind you and really kick. Aim for a spot under the ribs. of bone above you. And again, again, kick, good, again. Now give it everything you've got this time. Sabina, wake up. This is an emergency. Wake up. Oh, the station phone is ringing. God, I forgot we

even have these. A caller, you're on the air. Hey, Cecil, the baby was keeping me up and I turned on the station and... Sabina! Oh, thank God you're awake. No, no, it's not a schick. Listen, I am trapped in the studio and I just need someone to open the door from the outs. Okay, I'll be right there. But I'm starving. I may stop by subway for a mashed potato and Nutella sandwich. No, please come now. We've got snacks in the break room pantry, I think. I'll set you up with some gorb and guvelta fish. All right. Hey, did you know that there's a faceless old woman living in your home? She keeps trying to put lotion on my belly while I'm sleeping. Yeah, she does that. Listen, my spare office keys are by the lucky cat.

See you soon. And thank you, Sabina. Hey, enough with the lotion, lady. Oh, and thank you, Nislet. At negative two months old, you've already saved a life. And somehow I get the feeling mine might be just the first of many. If you need bailing out of a tight spot someday, you know who to call. I'm the baritone you can count on anytime.

kid, day or night shift. Oh, man, I can't wait for that door to open so I can get a lung full of fresh air. Oh, it's funny how small a room can feel when you're not allowed to leave. Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to for a second. Well, as soon as you're out here breathing air yourself, I'm getting you a pair of cleats and a pair of baby shin guards, and a baby cape, too. I can't wait to meet you, little hero of a niecelot. But first, I'm making your mother some midnight eggplant parmesan.

Stay tuned next for the sounds of a door opening, a rush of oxygen-rich air, and a wheezing celebration of an overworked respiratory system. Any second now. Any second. Any second. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. This episode was written by Dessa, with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner, and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Nightfail is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Sabina was Dessa. Original music by Dissorician. This episode's weather was, if we live, also by Dysperition. All of that can be found at dispirition.com or at dispersion.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com, or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio, or find a local Confederate monument and just tear that sucker down. Check out Welcome to Nightville.com for more information on this show and our upcoming live tours

in Europe, the U.S., New Zealand, and Australia. Today's proverb, follow your heart. You need it. Where did it ever learn to walk? Are you squeamish about horror? movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number Nine,

where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcast, boo.