Welcome to Night Vale - 114 - Council Member Flynn, Part 1

Episode Date: September 15, 2017

The City Council deals with a crime spree in their own City Council way. (Part 1 of 3) Weather: "Song For Myself" by Bears with Eagle Arms bearswitheaglearms.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissan and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. At least their hearts in the right place, I say, softly running my hand across a plastic takeout container. Welcome to Nightvale. In light of a string of armed robberies across Nightvale, the city council today called a press conference.

They announced in unison that they are greatly disturbed by this crime wave, because it means that they've had to put their vacation plans on hold. They really want to find a nice autumn spot to spend a month or two, leaf peeping, maybe kayaking if the sun's out. But no, now someone's running around town waving a gun and robbing stores. Plus, they have this new city council member, 16-year-old Tamika Flynn, who they're trying to train. And now, with all the robberies, the transition of their new member is going much more slowly. Also, they added, crime waves require so much paperwork, and we're way behind. You people! And here, the council pointed their many fingers at the gathered citizens and press.

You! People! Yesterday's robbery of the Ralfe only resulted in the theft of $72 and an N-cap of Czech's party mix. And while nobody was hurt, this was the 12th robbery in the past week. Weekday shift manager at the Ralfe's, Charlie Bear, described the robber as a slight person with a high voice wearing coveralls and a black leather mask. The robber demanded whatever money Charlie could grab, so he emptied his bank bag of petty cash. But when he went to unlock the register which had several hundred dollars, the robber had already left. City Council, waving their many limbs in frustration, asked for calm. Everything's fine, they said unconvincingly.

It's fine, they repeated, but the agitated crowd continued to scream and clutch their chests. Please, be chill, it's going to be fine. The City Council roared with their many discordant voices from, one body, but for some reason, the crowd just wasn't feeling fine. And now a look at sports. The Nightvale High School wheelchair basketball team defeated the San Plains Snake Garters 62 to 58 last night in the pre-season state basketball tournament. This weekend, they will take on the Pine Cliff Lizard monitors in the finals.

The Lizard monitors were the division champions last year, going undefeated in the regular season. But the Nightvale Scorpions are being led this year by sophomore point guard and my niece Janice Janice Palmer. Janice led the division last year in assists, which is a statistic of some kind. I asked my brother-in-law Steve Carlsberg, who is an offensive coach on his daughter's team, what an assist was and he explained it at length. But I forget exactly what he said. It made sense at the time. It's like a numerical measure of how helpful a person is. And Janice led our division last year in helpfulness. So here's hoping that continues. Good luck, Scorpions. Go get them, Janice. And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by

the new green market co-op, which just opened up on Galloway Road between Paddy's hardware and discount pastries, and one of those Escape the Room places, where you wake up in a bathtub, chain to a pipe, and there's another person across the room also chained to a pipe, and in the middle of the room is a dead body with a gun and a cassette player. Yeah, I hear those are great fun.

Green Market Co-op owner, Tristan Cortez, said he opened the new store to provide a safe space for all your produce optics and food content transactions. Too often, the people who eat food don't know where they are, or why, they are, and they cry. They just sob in the middle of a store afraid. Well, the new green market

co-op storefront on Galloway Road won't let that happen, Cortez said. He said he will be there every day to hold your hand, to nuzzle your neck with his nose, to whisper to you, don't be afraid as he hands you an eggplant. Oh, a quick aside, listeners, did you know that people in Europe don't call them eggplants. They call them aubergines. They also call arugula rocket, oranges, dip-dops, Boston lettuce, Dublin weeds, and plums, swole grapes. Anyway, Cortez said building the new store was his daughter Camilla's idea. She's an undergraduate studying business, and, according to Camilla's intensive research into the matter,

she found having a physical location would be a huge boost in sales for a grocery store. So come on down to the brand new Green Market Co-op. You're not safe anywhere but here. Only minutes after their initial press conference, the city council called another press conference. There was no new news on the ongoing burglaries. They just wanted to say that it used to be different, this town, this whole area. Nah, you don't understand, they said. We are centuries old, the city council said.

We were born in caves far beyond this desert, and we wandered until we found a place we could call home. We swam rivers, navigated forests, even climbed mountains. Yes, Nightvale, there are mountains, for we have not only seen them, but crested them, and we ended up here in Nightvale. We were many voiced, but also many-bodied then, like all of you.

We wore crowns made of soft meat and taught ourselves magical spells and used mind control on birds. The council continued. We ran this town and the people who settled here feared us. They respected us too. Respected the blank out of us.

Like respect coming out the blank. Blanking respectful as blank. You know? The city council coughed slightly. and asked for a can of Pomplamus LeCroy from one of their aides as they thumbed through their notes. But one day our magic failed us, and our many bodies became one body, the council said, still in unison. It was Deborah that messed up the spell. I did not, came a single voice from the city council's body.

Did too? came a different single voice. Your handwriting is garbage, Dermaine, said the first voice. Stop it, both of you, the council shouted in unison. They continued. And over the years, our legend, our mystique, has faded in the eyes of Nightvale. We were seen as fallible, as weak, as protectors of an old guard. And now as we witness this new face, this young Tamika Flynn, join our ranks, we are reminded that the world moves on. The world is always growing older and younger at the same.

same time. The city council sighed. I guess what we're trying to say is millennials are ruining everything, with their civic involvement and their lack of magic and their disregard for wearing soft meats on their heads. So entitled this generic... Just then, Tamika Flynn appeared at the side of the podium, and there was a long silence. Awkward, the city council sang. Tamika stepped forward to say she completed the paperwork to increase temporary funding for police overtime in light of the recent wave of robberies. Rad! Thanks, said the council.

Do the young people still say rad? The council asked Tamika, who replied, I got to get back to the mayor's office to ask about financial relief for robbery victims and left. Let's have a quick look at traffic. Last week's storms flooded the old cemetery down in the lowlands in Old Town Nightvale, and several human remains were washed out of their burials into Route 32. It wasn't like skeletons or anything. I mean, there were a few skeletons and three or four really well-preserved bodies like skin and clothing and everything,

but for the most part, it was just kind of a pulpy mud that blocked the road. Transportation Department crews are still working on clearing the roadways, but it's super gross. So the workers are vomiting a lot, which is causing motorists on Route 32 to vomit as well, which is really slowing things down. So avoid Route 32 and take 9A instead. This has been traffic. The listeners, only minutes after their last press conference, which was minutes after the first, press conference, the city council called another press conference, this time with Tamika Flynn. They said, we're still trying to teach this young one about how to counsel a city, so we brought her up here to shadow us.

She is a single-voiced, separately bodied entity, yet she still has not joined our form. She walks and talks separate from us, and that is not how a city council should operate. They said in unison, attempting to stare down the teenage council member. It goes against Robert's Rules of Order, Ms. Flynn, the city council hissed condescendingly. Anyway, they said, we're having a third press conference because there was another armed robbery just now at the spiky Hammer Coffee Shop over near the Science District. The perpetrator stole the tip jar, which contained well over $17. They also stole a French press, but like a really nice, stainless steel insulated one. Not that tempered glass garbage.

The crowd murmured their panic, and the city council shouted, It's fine, try calming down for once, geez, which had the opposite effect of calming. Tamika then leaned over and said quietly to the council, They were calm. Listen, we can fix this. This is not a problem. The city council said, You're a problem.

Am not, Tamika quipped. Yaha! As of this report, the Amnot versus Yaha debate is continuing on the press podium at City Hall. The gathered crowd of alarmed citizens has begun clawing at each other's faces and screaming things like $17. And it could have been us! And a glass, French press. What are we?

Monsters! More on the story as we get updates. But next, let's have a look at today's weather. I like spaghetti and long afternoons making sauce. I like to keep my teeth clean, but I never seem to floss. I like to sit around. And sometimes write just for myself. I sometimes this town even bothered a rhyme or follow structured meters.

The meter's all fucked up Figured out here in a second I like to drink A beer Every night Just kidding, I like to drink A lot And it's probably killing me

Probably killing me I sing my shaky, snakey songs I sometimes strumming a sing real loud I sometimes shout and try to feel like I'm alone I'm not a Catholic but I still like to confess I once was a Catholic and man that shit don't rest I stand up I make them listen to what I say I make them listen to me say oh shit what was I going to see oh fuck I totally blew it to take myself out on long walk

who shup shop shop chow I try not to think about all the stupid shit I've ever said none in my I like to be some that I'm not and so I apply Planning, the scheme and plot And almost every day I'd have to say I'm frankly disappointed This is my song for my This is timid free

Pretty much what I wanted There's something else here now, something new From exclusively on Paramount Plus It's the series Stephen King Calls Scarious Hell Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules.

Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Well, the City Council press conference is still going on, but it looks like the argument has resolved. and only Tamika Flynn remains at the podium. She has stepped to the mic, paused dramatically and stoically, and then begun speaking. Here is her speech.

People of Night Vale. Have I not fought librarians? Have I not flown helicopters and battled corporate overlords? Have I not read all nine volumes of William Faulkner's epic anthology, Alexander and the terrible no-good, very bad day. People of Night Vale, have I not always been there for you, to serve you, to protect you? Have I not proven that I can defeat a small-time armed robber?

You have nothing to fear, not just because I'm here, but because the city council is here. We are a complementary balance of incredible talents. My talent is weapons skills, intolerance for wickedness, and a love of books. The other council members' talents is enjoying long vacations during difficult times. The rest of the city council and I have come to an agreement to make this town safe. I will work closely with Sheriff Sam and the Secret Police and the mayor to make Nightdale more secure.

The other members of the council will take a month-long trip to Traverse City, Minchigan. They told me they only recently learned that Milstaffa, was a real U.S. state, and they could just travel there. And they really wanted to go apple picking and eat cider donuts. Autumn is the most beautiful time of year on the lake, they said. We'll make you all proud with our vacation to Middasham Nightvale. And I agreed, and sent them on their way. We are a good and effective city council night veil.

You are a good and cooperative citizenry. Everything's fine. It's fine. Tamika repeated those last two words, each iteration softer and slower, and the crowd's murmuring and fidgeting grew softer and slower until there was silence and peace. Then Sheriff Sam jumped up on the rostrum, leaned into Tamika, forgetting that the microphone was still on and said, Councilwoman Flynn, a robber held up the new green market co-op and nicked all their cash. The crowd gasped. continued, but it's much worse than that. Whoever did this also burned the building down.

The crowd gulped. Sam then said, Miss Flynn, we found the bodies of Tristan Cortez and his daughter Camilla inside. The crowd wailed. Sam added, I'm sorry, Miss Flynn, it's a bit loud here. I'm having a rough go at hearing you what with all the screaming. Can you speak up? But Tamika Stewart still, silent as the crowd ran and ran. circles pulling at each other's hair. Tamika gathered herself and then stepped back to the microphone. She cleared her throat and said, I know everything is no longer fine, but it will be. I got you, Nightvale. I got you. The crowd stopped running and shrieking, although they continued tugging

at each other's hair. Tamika said, Our small-time criminal is now a real threat, a force of violence among us, but I can stop them. Do you want safety? And the crowd chanted, yes. Do you want security? And the crowd chanted, absolutely. Do you trust me? And the crowd chanted, we certainly do because we are scared. Tumika then turned to the sheriff and said, Sam, do you agree? Yes, anything, whatever you want. Sam said. Give me your badge. Sam paused.

Give me your badge. Sam slowly reached across their lapel, unhooked their badge, and handed it to Tamika, who then pinned it to her shirt. And your hat and jacket, Tamika said. And Sam gave her their hat and jacket, and Tamika put them on.

Tamika said, Okay. Curfew is now 8 p.m. No one is out after 8 p.m. And no one is out alone at any hour. Sam, you're my deputy sheriff now. No one goes in or out of town. Arrest anyone who does.

Tamika then ordered all city buildings to be painted red. To let this criminal know we will cover the whole town in their blood. She said once more, Everything's fine, it's fine. It's 6 p.m. already, so go get your dinner and go home before curfew. And do not be out alone. The secret police will stop anyone walking alone. She concluded the press conference by saying,

Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvail Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Nightvail, is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Tamika Flynn was Symphony Sanders. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparation.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was song for myself by Bear with Eagle Arms. Find out more at bear with eaglearms.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com. Or follow us on

on Twitter at Nightvale Radio, or spend a lazy afternoon reading a good book. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show and our new fall season of shows, which you can hear a sneak preview of in just a few moments. Today's proverb, the seven habits of highly effective people are, one, levitation, two, translucence, three, omnipresence, four, country music, five, line, Somcest. Six, sons for eyes. Seven, hiccups. Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Craneer, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast, number nine, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.