Welcome to Night Vale - 117 - eGemony, Part 1: "Canadian Club"

Episode Date: November 1, 2017

Part 1 of 3: A case of Canadian Club has been hidden in Night Vale. This episode was co-written with Glen David Gold. The voice of Hugh Jackman was Hunter Canning. The voice of Missy Wilks was Lusia Strus. Weather: "Lost Everything" by Mary Epworth maryepworth.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. It's something else here now.

Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch Saving those children is how we all go home

From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus The suffocation of the ego The Eternal Silence of the Void Faceless yet screaming And now serving orange wine on town Welcome to Nightfair. Listeners, we have a new sponsor. Our show is brought to you by money.

When purchasing items, please consider using money. It's exchanged universally in place of transactions with actual value. Money is available in handy ones, fives, sixes, eights, and now twenties. Money may be habit-forming. Symptoms may include avarice, lack of, of introspection and frequent substitution of the phrase intelligent for wealthy. Please ask your doctor if money is right for you

and nod with considerable vigor when your doctor asks if you think money will complete you. We have a visitor who I'm just now learning about. I've been handed a note by my new intern Gustav. Gustav says station management has ordered him to bring this guest immediately to the studio. Gustav, are you missing an eye? Gustav is nodding.

Okay, let's see. The note says it says to please welcome. Oh. What? Wow. I mean, Wow. Gustav, is this real?

Okay, it is my honor and my privilege to welcome to the show, Hugh Jackman. Hi. Wait, you're not the Hugh Jackman, right? I like to think I am. Yeah, you're not. But my children think I'm the real Hugh Jackman, so... Your children are wrong. But go on, Mr. Hugh Jackman.

My name is Hugh Jackman, and... But not the Hugh Jackman. Here's my card. Oh. Hughes Business Card is a hologram he's projected straight onto my fingers. Says he's the senior vice president in charge of dream fluencing at egemony. It's pronounced egemony. Oh, so it sounds just like head.

I'm here to solve a funny little mystery. I just need to open my briefcase here. Take a look at this. Oh, well, that's a Playboy magazine. Yes, December 1969. had the pictorial on bond girls in case you don't remember. Oh, I can see that. Oh, and there's also a feature on architect Meese VanderRoe. I'll take your word for it, Mr. Palmer. I only read Playboy for the advertisements like this one, the one for Canadian Club. Okay, listeners, Mr. Jackman

is showing me a full-page ad that features six people hiking in dense-looking woods, and two of them are carrying a sling of some sort, and in the sling is... A case of Canadian Club whiskey. Uh-huh. The headline reads, On October 13, 1969, we hid a case of Canadian club deep in the Amazon jungle. Here's how you can find it. Oh, let's see. Well, this is actually quite entertaining.

There are clues and maps and... Is that an acrostic? It is an acrostic. Very good, Mr. Palmer. It's a clue to where the case was buried. Now, from 1967 to 1973, Hiram Walker Distilled Spirits, DBA, Canadian Club, ran a contest where they hid 21 cases of Canadian Club whiskey

throughout the world. From the densest alleys of Jakarta to the skyscrapers of Manhattan, the cable car tracks of San Francisco, on cobblestone streets in London, under 30 feet of water in the Great Barrier Reef, they ran ads with clues about how to find them, and find them the people of the world did. Every single case was recovered.

That's remarkable. Mr. Palmer, we hit a case under the ice caps of the North Pole, and people found it. We dropped one on Mount Everest. Mountains? So why do you think people wanted to find them so badly? As far as we can tell, it has to do with people's desire to have alcohol. Ironically, it sank the contest. People weren't buying Canadian club.

They figured that it was way cheaper and more fun to get a yacht and sail to the Cayman Islands and snorkel under the security fences of the International Monetary Fund and then, you know, like remove a case from the International Monetary Fund's Mom's Poolside Refrigerator, and that's exactly what happened to case number 17. So sales plummeted, but later, Hiram Walker merged with Gooderham and Warts, which was acquired by Bacardi Constellation Brands, which is now an acquisition of our little tech startup, EGimony.

Now, excuse me, but what does EGimony do? We dream fluence. Got it. It turns out there's one further case of Canadian club. It's been hidden for over 40 years, right here in Night Vale. Here's the ad. This is the November 1973 issue of Playboy. Go on. Read it.

On August 30, we hit a case of Canadian Club in Nightvale. Here's how to find it. But, Mr. Jackman, the rest of the ad is blank. We at EGimony, after some internal discussion, believe that might be. be why the case was never found. There seems to have been some kind of event at the printers that month. Fran Leibowitz's interview with progressive rock band, yes, keyboardist, Rick Wakeman, is perfectly fine for its first 37 pages,

but then devolves into a series of oomelouts. Little Annie Fanny, generally a light-hearted and an adorably misogynistic comic strip, was just panel after panel of... Oomelouts. And Mr. Palmer, look. at the pictorial on men's golf pants. Yeah, I know. We're not really sure what happened there. Further, you'll see that every cartoon has the same punchline.

Oh, yeah. Here's a bride on her wedding day, and her mother is telling her it's under Cecil's desk. Same punchline is on page 23 with the Desert Island and page 74 here, the two cowboys at the saloon. It's under Cecil's desk. That is so odd. So Mr. Jackman, why does Ejimony want to find this case of liquor? He thought it would be fun. Can I look under your desk? Why?

The case is under your desk. Yeah, but this desk wasn't even here in 1973. So you're telling us, me, no? Well, I'm telling you to ask station management. Oh, I will. I mean, they'll make you fill out a form, and they can also create fire with their minds. Also, they've eaten people before for way less. Hey, Gustav, come in here and show Hugh

what station management did to your eye. Oh, my God. That is disgusting. Getting worse. Okay, that's enough, Gustav. Oh, I am prepared. I'm familiar with your station management, and not afraid of them.

Eunice, Lily, Agatha, Demarcis, and Jad. They're old friends of mine. Who? Have you never learned this? the names of your supervisors, Mr. Palmer? You need a team-building retreat. I'll be back. You haven't seen the last of me. Yeah, well, you aren't even the real Hugh Jackman.

I don't trust that, man. I need to figure out what to do next. We'll be back after this. Life is meaningless. There are no guiding principles, nor rewards, nor punishments for how to live. Just flashes of pain. or joy, which are only neurotic messages, not actual experiences.

Even pondering why we exist is a rudderless journey, so consciousness is a means to no end. The Sheriff's Secret Police would like to acknowledge that hearing this will ruin your day. However, they are further authorized to announce that nothing we have learned about nature describes a process that occurs without purpose. We can point to a fish's fin and understand what function it serves. A monkey's fur, a starfish's many arms, the acorns in your Uncle Simon's branchy beard that explode outward as stabbing bristles whenever Uncle Simon experiences fear. They all serve

a purpose. So it's possible that consciousness developed for a reason larger than consciousness itself can conceive of. The function of your mind is literally beyond comprehension, which means that awareness, pursued to its limits, only makes you aware of your helplessness. You are without power in this life. Except when you purchase items by using money. This has been brought to you by money. We're back and I'm in a jam. I mean, I don't trust this Hugh Jackman, nor his company.

I mean, after what StrexCorp did to our town, I'm a bit wary of any business conglomerate. Although, egemony does seem different, friendlier. But what is this thing with looking under my desk? I'm not sure I should even look under my desk. I mean, what if I find it? What if I don't find it? Every time I've hidden under my desk, I've closed my eyes and for good reason. I'm so distracted, I lost my notes, and now I don't even know what the news was supposed to be.

And Gustav went to go by some cotton balls and antibacterial spray for his missing eye. Well, I mean, honestly, I've never really looked at any of these magazines before. I mean, Playboy was for other boys and girls. Oh, interesting. Listeners, did you know that Playboy magazine has a bunch of pictures of women across various careers with in-depth profiles on their lives? I did not know this.

Yeah, there's a whole pictorial in this issue of all the women who have ever played James Bond. In full costumes. Oh my God, look at these smart tuxes and pistols and one of them's on a motorcycle. In the middle of the magazine, there's even a foldout photo of a woman in coveralls and a hard hat leading a volunteer construction crew who's building houses in a hurricane ravaged Nova Scotia. Oh, and on the other side of the foldout, there's a playmate questionnaire. Let's see. Her turnoffs include impatient people and people.

tick bites. You know, I agree with that. And her turn-ons include groovy people, good food, overwhelming feelings of dread, chanting, and all hail the glow cloud. All hail the glow cloud. Yes. The playmate's name is Missy Wilkes. Missy Wilkes? Could that be the Missy Wilkes who lives over on Kessler Street here in Nightfail? I mean, they do have similar. eyes and tendrils, I wonder if it's possible that she knows where the case of Canadian Club is. Well, let's see. M-I-S-S-Y-W-I-L-K-S.

Hello, is this Missy Wilkes? This is Cecil Palmer from the radio station. It's a little hard to explain why I'm calling, but... Have you looked under your desk? Oh, not yet. Should I? I mean, I kind of don't want to. Cecil, I've been waiting for this phone call for over 40 years. You must look under your desk.

The future of Night Vale depends on it. Have you been doing anything else? Pardon? 40 years? Well, no, not really. Raised a family. I shot a guy once. But you're stalling, Cecil.

I'm not stalling. But, you know, we really should get to today's weather. under the... No, I've not looked under my desk. Come on, Cecil. Wait, why does Mr. Jackman want this so badly? It's why they put cases everywhere on the planet. They knew that leaving an item in place long enough

allows it to absorb the spirit of the area. That case is now infused with the soul of Night Vale. No one actually recovered those other cases. Egymoni recovered them after they bought all the other. parent companies of Canadian Club. They're going to send out one of their corporate prize contest in sweepstakes buzz marketing street teams to dream influence anyone who stands in their way. If eGimony finds it before you do, they will drink Nightvale soul the same way they've drunk the soul of all the other

cities. Wait, that makes no sense. They've recovered a bunch of these Across the world, are you saying that Manhattan, San Francisco, London, the Great Barrier Reef and the Cayman Islands don't have souls anymore? Say so. Oh my God, you're right. Okay, then, all right, I'm going to look. I am looking under my desk. And I am finding... Nothing.

There's nothing under here. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, oh, oh, wait. But a pushpin. A red one. And it's holding an envelope to the underside of the desk. Is it Manila? Yes.

And it's addressed to me. There's a letter inside. It's written on papyrus, and you can tell it's very old because it's written in cursive. It says, Dear Cecil, how are you? We are fine. We're sorry we didn't write earlier, but we were unlearning our destinies. We had to unlearn so many things. Small steps, then larger ones, then larger until we were almost flying,

but not quite flying because we had to unlearn our expectations and then unlearn our limitations. So we gave up on flying because that turns out not to work regardless of your expectations and no matter what you unlearn. So we relearned what we needed to. We've relearned so many essential things, Cecil, about work and love and complaining about work and love. Oh, and we took the case of booze. If you want to find us, you'll know us by our sign and then it's signed with a smear of foam. Now wait, this isn't just any foam. It's, hold on, but she know.

Oh my goodness, I have to tell Ms. Wilkes that... I'm still here. Oh, Miss Wilkes! I know where the case of Canadian Club is. Where? It's in the cavelands outside of town. It's been taken by the baristas. Cecil, this is the worst possible news.

The baristas are no match for buzz marketing street teams. The baristas are generally... people, soft of spirit and jolly of countenance, whose dreams are only influenced by the purest of loves, not crowdsourced manipulations. The baristas are rosy-cheeked and innocent. They gamble like lamb, Cecil. You've got to warn them. Okay, I will. I will. Thank you, Ms. Wilkes. Listeners, this is terrible. I don't know what to do. I don't like warning people. people about things. I mean, warnings lead to consequences and we all know how much I avoid consequences.

In fact, there's only one way to be thoroughly insulated from consequence, and that's to accumulate enough money. But I don't have any money. As station management recently switched their payroll protocol from cash to Twitter followers and groupons for local spas, so I'm kind of screwed. Think, Cecil, thank. think, think, think, think, think. Stay tuned next for the sounds of chewing amplified to the threshold of pain. Good night, Nightvale. Good night.

Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. This episode was written by Glenn David Gold with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer, and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Hugh Jackman was Hunter Canning. The voice of Missy was Lucia Stras. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Lost Everything by Mary Epworth. Find out more at Maryepworth.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightbale.com, or follow us on

Twitter at Nightville Radio, or have a dream in which you get a paper cut and a rich dark soil pours out. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show and the 27 city book tour for our new novel from the world of Welcome to Nightvale, it devours, which is currently happening right now. Today's proverb, people always say, before I die, as if they haven't already begun the process. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style style. mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible,

free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, I do. You can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.