Welcome to Night Vale - 119 - eGemony, Part 3: "Love, Among Other Things, Is All You Need"

Episode Date: December 1, 2017

Part 3 of 3: You need love. You may also need other things. This episode was co-written with Glen David Gold. The voice of Hugh Jackman was Hunter Canning. Weather: "Turn Into It" by Jamey Browning soundcloud.com/james-browning-142333614 Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks. The captain has turned off the

seatbelt signs, and it turned on the ceaseless anxiety signs. Feel free to brood about the cabin. Welcome to Night Vale. Welcome, listeners. We have a new sponsor. Our show is now sponsored by Love. Definitely consider love when wanting to buy things, because love conquers all, makes the world go round, and is all you need. This has been a message from Love, Conqueror of our former sponsor, Money. It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Okay, I have returned from the distant cavelands of the baristas, an arduous journey made easier by it being pretty much downhill for the whole mile and a half.

While I was there, I learned that the dreaded eGimony corporate prize contest, test and sweepstakes buzz marketing street team, long ago became baristas, distributing Nightvale's case of Canadian club to the citizens of Nightvale itself, meaning that Nightvale has been consuming its own soul, thus making us an Oroboros of our own selves. I returned because I knew that the best way to fight against Egymoni's attempts to drink Nightvail's soul was science, and I'm very into science. Or at least I am very into someone who is very into science. Once a year, all the scientists in the world gather in Lutern, Switzerland to calibrate their instruments to the length of Carlos's hair.

That appraisal is occurring right now, so, of course, Carlos isn't in town. I'm on my own, because the cause of science is important, but so is defending night. Nightvale, and one of the best parts about being in a couple is that when each of you is good at one thing, it's like the couple is good at two things. This message was brought to you by love, it turns out. Huh. More of my plans to defeat egemony as I desperately figure out what they are. But first, some local news. Nightvale Community College denounced its new slate of winter semester continuing education.

courses. Introduction to gibbering, conversational gibbering, intermediate gibbering, advanced gibbering, and Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement. Community College professor Adriano Capiallo, who teaches French gibbering, said, Uvre your livres page three and create a vent de you faeufé. Professor Capiello once considered a failure in his field

has developed what he calls a charisma ray. And now everyone thinks he's a-okay, an exciting thinker, an excellent dancer, and an entirely inadequate human being. When asked for comment, Professor Capiello responded

by listing everything he could think of that was not a type of. of gum. By the time he finished, his charisma ray had worn off, and everyone realized Professor Capielo is in fact a terrible person who attempts to court the friendship of students whose attractive naivete is subverted, ironically, by how they gradually accumulate the tools of critical analysis in his classes, meaning they apply what he himself taught them to judge him harshly, ultimately growing to resent his falseness, thus leaving his charisma ray utterly useless in the face of a culturally awakened classroom. Professor Capiello denied this by stringing together

a bunch of French verbs related to the behaviors of aquatic animals. Those interested in continuing education should read a book for once. Okay, so earlier this morning, I walked across the street to get a two-pound bag of Kiwis at Ralph's, and had the most remarkable experience. Well, first, I pass the same barista I always pass along the way, the one at the abattoir, but this time she gave me a friendly wink of recognition. And then another barista, the one in the produce aisle, he scalded my face with steam and said my mother was so pungent, people thought she was an under-roasted Sumerian Bean and I have never felt so welcome. But the amazing thing was when I tried to pay for my fruit, the cashier said, don't you love Kiwis? And I said I did. And he said, I love them too. And I love

working here. So take the Kiwis. Your love is your payment. So I took the Kiwis and later shared them with my brother-in-law, Steve Karlsberg, who said, I love these. then he added, I love you, brother, and I nodded. It seems that Nightvale is now a love-based economy. Oh, wait, this just in. Ralph's would like to explain that the cashier made a mistake.

It's perfectly fine that he loves working there and that I love the Kiwis, but I do still have to pay for them. That makes more sense. But I'm a little disappointed. Still, because of the, incredibly effective new sponsorship of our program, love is definitely in the air in Nightvale.

At Dark Owl Records, there is now a loudspeaker outside, and store owner Michelle Wynn is publicly playing the records she loves the most, something she has never done. These albums aren't vinyl, but discs made of chalkboard slate being spun underneath a needle and amplified through an outdoor door speaker system. People who were strangers only moments ago are gazing into each other's eyes with looks of admiration and hunger that made it awkward to spy on them. Not impossible, of course, just awkward, which has caused several members of the vague yet menacing government agency

who sit outside our homes in dark sedans to step out of their cars and offer hugs to anyone who would like to have a hug placed on their permanent record. There are reports of Unidentified citizens running by fountains, waving flowers and balloons and handing out otters. The sheriff's secret police have replaced their patrol car sirens with Whitney Houston's I will always love you. The hooded figures who stand in and around the Forbidden Dog Park are still terrifying to look at, or even think about. But one of them is waving. That's probably the most expressive form of love that they have. Love is everywhere.

But also, there has been a subtle shift. As love has become more prevalent, its value has decreased significantly. The angel, who was definitely former billionaire Marcus Vansden, who is now named Erica, said that they have drawn on a cocktail napkin an economic model for supply-side feelings, where those with the most feelings will then trickle down the love to those with the least. Even here in our radio studio, I am feeling such love for you right now, listener. I love this microphone and this cable and the mixing board. I love these blinking phone lines.

You know, maybe we should take some calls. Hi, this is Cecil. You're on the air. I love you. Oh, I love you too. Next caller, you're on the air with Cecil Paul. I love you. Did you just call from the other line? Oh, no.

I love you. Ah, my mistake. You know, I love our community, our mayor, our angels, and even our weather. Don't get your hopes up again and treat every new day like a friend. Just smile and turn into... the wind and treat every new day like the end

get your hopes up again every new day like a friend smile and turn into the wind treat every new day like the end

listeners I'd like to thank our newest sponsor love for bringing us today's show but in all of my loving clamor, I lost sight of what was truly at stake. Our newest intern, Blake, brought back a familiar guest into our studio, thus reminding me of it. Blake then tried to use the three-hole punch without reading the safety manual first. Oh, quick aside, to the family of intern Blake, he was a reckless intern, and he will be missed.

But now we welcome back to the radio station, Hugh Jackman of Egemony. Hugh, I've done some investigative journalism, and I'm going to have to ask you the tough questions. First, I know that you're here to claim the case of Canadian Club, right? Oh, no, don't worry about that. Well, I am worried about that. Among the many different things I worry about, you were coming back to get the case. You wanted me to look under my desk and... Not anymore, that's okay.

But the barista king said... Cecil, I know about the baristas. I know about how no. Night Vale drank its own soul. Oh. So does that mean that Egymone is going to, I don't know, just leave us alone then? Funny you should say that. When I followed you to the baristas...

You followed me? Sure. I was the one with the Admiral Tippett sideburns. Oh my God, that was you? Those were so good. Thank you. That took me hours to grow them. Anyway, after all that, I was planning on telling my team leaders at Eajimony.

we were too late and to abandon our plans. Oh, well, that's good. And to buy all of Night Vale to help with EGimony's debt acquisition. Oh, well, that's bad. There's a glitch. I've fallen in love. Pardon? EGimony has highly secure communications,

corporate demands that we only send messages on postcards from Lakeside resorts. Oh, I shouldn't have said that out loud. Siri, remind me to prostrate myself before HR at 4 p.m. today. Anyway, I was at the post office standing in line behind, well, it was the strangest thing. You'll never guess. I was standing in line behind... Oh, a dog with a man's head. Yeah, that guy's always there. Um, spoiler. We don't have quite so many folks like that back of the office. And it made me pay closer attention to everything around me. The first thing I noticed was this particular

post office was selling stamps. Then I noticed the stamps had no denomination on them, just the word forever. I've worked in retail before, put myself through high school, operating a mall kiosk that sold decorative soaps and customers there, as you might well guess, can be mean or even cruel, saying things like, do you have anything vanilla-scented, or they'd also say things like, I'd like to buy some soap.

It was awful. So I am always extraordinarily polite to clerks, sometimes even flirtatious. And when I got to the head of the line of the post office, I winked at the clerk, and seven of her eight eyes winked back. And then I said, forever stamps, that's quite a promise. And you know what she said? No. Nothing. It turns out she was a spider and didn't care what I thought.

But Cecil, it was the way she didn't care. I had a Macanah Island postcard to mail, and it was important because it's my report back about how we're going to subsume Night Vale. Okay, see, this is what I was getting at. And I realized that she probably sent a dozen Macanah Island postcards that day, and mine was no different. She asked me if anything in my envelope was liquid, hazardous, insidious, shameful, or emotionally fragile, and I said, no more so than my heart. And then a mosquito hawk got caught in her web, and she raced over to wrap it in a web. and then dissolved its body with her venom so she could later drink its liquid corpse

like a child with a juice box. Aww. I know, it was so sweet. Now, I am not a poetic man, Cecil, but I was inspired. Have you noticed that love seems to be in the air right now? Like that Mariah Carey song. I had a vision of love and it was this crazy dream

where I was in the park and trees were made entirely out of recycled aluminum cans and you were there, but you looked just like me only with a nosebleed. Oh, I love that song. My husband and I danced to that at her wedding. Anyway, I was close enough to smell her perfume and, well, I asked if I could have a book of the Forever Stamps. And she asked which kind. And I said, the Wonder Woman stamps. And she said that they were out of them. So, I said, because I've worked in retail before, and I try to feel like all of us are in this together, that I was feeling short change by the whole forever business then. And I said it with a frown on my lips, but a smile in my eyes like this.

See? Uh, yes, please stop. Cecil, she handed me back my change and said, next human entity in line. And I love her. I love night. So I'm staying here until she loves me too. Wait, what? See, Nightvale is in my heart now, and it's in Egymoni's heart.

We want to pivot our company mission. See, we don't want to drink Nightvale's soul. We want to cross-pollinate our startup model with Nightvale's greatest asset. Love. We want to take all of this love, such great content, by the way, and program it into an app that you an app that users can just access from anywhere. I can get our street teams on this right now to inspire the Dream Fluencers to talk about

love. It's your station's new sponsor, right? So let's value add social media platform to... Oh, look, it's right here! It was under my desk after all. Sorry, what? The case of whiskey. Yep, here it is.

Look at it. I don't understand... Open it. It's a cardboard box with the Canadian Club logo. on the side. There's bottles of Canadian club in here, but I don't get it. The town and the former street team

drank this long ago. How was it under your desk? Have you ever heard of science? I've watched a TED talk. I know everything about science. Well, there's this thought experiment where a cat is in a box, but it's unknown

whether the cat is alive and peacefully sleeping or, in fact, alive and just clawing and vomiting on everything because, well, it's a cat. Since both things could be true, both things are true. This isn't sounding familiar. Well, your husband clearly isn't a scientist. But how is it even possible?

Hey, with love and science, anything is possible. Now, go drink your whiskey. I guess I completed my goals here then, and this fulfills my obligation to my employer. I won't be staying in Night Vale to pursue my true love. Oh. You need help carrying that to your car? Our newest intern, Makani, can help you.

Hey, McCona! Is this for real? Wow. You'd think fulfilling a quest of 40 years like that would be an incredible feeling, but this is slightly disappointing. Hmm. The realest thing is disappointment. Bye now.

Okay. Listeners. Mr. Jackman is gone. So, I can tell you how I managed this. I bought a new case of Canadian Club at the Ralph's by using money. Yep, please welcome back a classic sponsor to the show, money. Money, it fixes all your problems. There are no drawbacks to acquiring it or using it to change the destiny of others.

Corruption, organized crime, and economic inequality may occur, Ask your doctor if you can afford even a routine checkup. So listeners, that's all for our show tonight. Oh, I have just gotten a text from Lucerne, and yes, all of the scientific instruments in the world are set properly. And all measuring will occur with precise, precision, because of my husband, who is coming home. And he's bringing fancy Swiss chocolate, the kind with the little flecks of salmon skin. Aww, that's so sweet. Okay, I know Money is sponsoring this show,

but just for a moment, I have to put a word in for love. Love is pretty good. Okay, done. Money. It momentarily defers desolation. Stay tuned next for our exciting new game show, What's in the Box?

No, what's in the fucking box. And as always, good night. Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is the production of Nightvale Presents. This episode was written by Glenn David Gold with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner, and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Hugh Jackman was Hunter Canning.

Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispirition. info or at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Turn Into It by Jamie Browning. Link for more music in the show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvelle.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio or place your ear against the earth until you think you hear singing from deep within. Check out Welcome to Nightvelle.com for more information on this show

and our tour happening right now in the southwest and the west coast, as well as our upcoming tour in New Zealand and Australia. Australia. Today's proverb. For softer bones, and a tenuous smile, drink malk. Got mock? It's here. Drink it. Drink this mulek. Mmm. Mold. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner. And Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Night Vale. And on our new show, the best worst, we explore the golden age of television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women? The Best Worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.