Welcome to Night Vale - 135 - The Mudstone Abyss Part 1

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

A broadcast from an even friendlier desert community. The voice of Kevin was Kevin R. Free. Weather: “Living On Light” by Silo’s Choice https://siloschoice.bandcamp.com Our new live show, A Spy in the Desert, is on the road in North America right now! Don’t miss us in the U.S. this fall and across the world starting early next year. http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live New on the store: Jessica Hayworth’s Scary Deer design is now available on a pin, plus we have a brand new shirt that says “Boomers Killed The Aspic.” Check them both out on our store. https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv Become a member on Patreon today to help us keep making Welcome to Night Vale and get cool stuff, like Director’s Notes, bonus episodes, and even a new character named after you. https://www.patreon.com/welcometonightvale Music: Joseph Fink https://josephfink.bandcamp.com Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio or Facebook. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the midlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. the phrase beautiful smile is redundant welcome to desert bluffs hello desert bluffs it's kevin i know i love your

smiling face too it's another sunny day in our second incarnation of desert bluffs here in our vast other world we're all pleased to be under a benevolent sun who never leaves us even at night just Always in a fixed point in the sky like a father, dedicated to watching every move his children make, burning hotter at every mistake, and gently warming us with each moment of pure thought. It seems like only months since I arrived here with the dream of reestablishing my true home.

This is a metaphorical dream, not literally the shared dream we all have each and every night, where we're standing in a reaped cornfield as birds zig and zag across a blood-red sky, recklessly turning and swirling and panicked fits until crunching into the rocky soil below, their wings bent and bodies broken. Every one of us in town has that dream every single night. What a true joy that we all share that unconscious narrative together. But I'm speaking here of my figuratively.

dream, the dream to rebuild Desert Bluffs. And oh, how beautiful it is to see that dream fulfilled. We have built homes, restaurants, a city hall, public bike shares, public knife shares, an amusement park, and even a church. My church, the Desert Bluffs Temple of Joy. As you know, I have written many on the smiling God through the years, detailing my visions and the many holy messages of our destroyer. One day, we shall all be devoured, eradicated by the beast, swallowed and digested,

our sinew peeled from bones like a barbecued rib, our skin bubbling away from the creature's digestive fluids, and ourselves. Completely pure. Also, please know that we added Wednesday night children's services starting this week, so bring those kiddos and let them know the good news. Everything in our new desert bluffs is perfect. And by starting my show with that statement,

I'm certain I have solidified this perfection in perpetuity. Let's have a look now at the community calendar. This Thursday night the Desert Bluffs Limestone Appreciation Society will get together in back of the Jewel Osco to look at a piece of limestone that Herardo Diaz found under his own tongue. Herardo will show any member of the society and their guests the limestone nugget, but he will not remove it from his mouth.

So if you want to see it, you'll need to request a viewing by pinning Herardo's arms behind his back and then prying open his jaw. Friday is, of course, the smile parade. As we do every Friday in Desert Bluffs, we will shut down all businesses and schools and come together on Pleasant Street, right in front of City Hall,

that beautiful mound of mud we built last spring, and we will all stare deep into each other's eye sockets and smile. Smiles so hard we weep, Has loud dance music plays and we all stand still, tears streaming down our cheeks and onto our teeth. See you there! And Sunday afternoon, the Desert Bluffs community players will be putting on Arthur Miller's classic play,

Death of a Salesman, an immersive bit of theater where the audience gathers at the bedside of a gravely ill person who worked in sales. The crowd stands and watches. the person until they die. I love this play. I was in it in high school. I played happy.

I told you earlier how much it's meant to me to have the town of Desert Bluffs back in my life, but really it's the people more than the buildings who make it so wonderful. Like Grandma Josephine O'Toole, who used to live on the far edge of old Desert Bluffs. Josephine had a lot of demons. They lived with her and helped out around the house by eating light bulbs and giving strangers $10 bills.

When Nightvale annexed our city, Josephine and her demons came to live here in the other world, and they're just as happy as ever. There's also Savannah Hernandez, who used to live in Red Mesa. She heard about our fledgling city from a low-flying helicopter and thought it sounded like a great place to hide from U.S. tax collectors. So, last year she moved to Desert Bluffs. And now she's married to Jesse Pritchard, and they've had four kids. Agnes, age two, Armand, age four, and twins, Yolanda and Leon, ages 14 and 17 respectively.

Some people even came to Desert Bluffs as refugees of the Blood Space War, like Olin Hayward, Chantel James, and Kroch, a small but dense neutron orb from the horsehead Nebula. I even know of one person, Ryan Nichols, who didn't know Desert Bluffs existed or how he got here. He told me he used to live in a place called Alabama, Alabama. Alabama. Alabama. Alabama. He was in his fraternity house at school, and when he walked out the front door, thinking he was going to go join his friends at a party, he walked straight into this desert and the door behind him was gone. Ryan's first few months here were tough. He missed his friends and family,

but everyone here in Desert Bluffs convinced him that we were all his friends and family now. Just look at our smiles, we shouted as we surrounded him. That's the kind of warmth and kindness only a true, small town can give. And of course there is that new man. He came into town today. Who is he?

What does he want from us? Why his perfect and beautiful smile? Why his perfect and beautiful teeth? Teeth like a Steinway. He says he is a theologist. Well, we have all been theologists at one point or another our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does he plan to do with all those religious textbooks in that house he's renting over by Little Rick's salad stand? Anyone can make a salad at

Little Ricks. Anyone. Well, as far as this new citizen, my rhetorical questions are simple ones to answer. His name is Charles. He's originally from Cactus. part and spent the last few years living in Pine Cliff doing a study on why everyone who lives there is a ghost. Charles said he simply wanted to live in Desert Bluffs. He said this desert other world is the most theologically interesting place in the U.S. after Pine Cliff, a town where everyone is a ghost is pretty hard to beat interest-wise, he said. Charles is 41 years old and wants to settle down,

become a teacher, and raise a family. Charles is a welcome addition to Desert Bluffs. He's someone I'd really love to keep my eyes on, so to speak. Right now at City Hall, Mayor Lauren Mallard is announcing her plans to build a public library in Desert Bluffs. She's talking about the joy of learning and the comfort of books. People seem quite happy about our new mayor and her ideas to improve this town. A large gathering of smiling people have amassed in downtown to hear about Mayor Mallard's budget for this new project. Libraries certainly are helpful municipal resources.

They have miles of shells filled with novels, periodicals, and reference books. which have been carefully curated to make readers happy. There was no bad news in a library. I think this is a good idea that Lauren has here, but I'd love to see a great idea. Hang on, let me text her. What about a monument? A tower?

No. A chasm. A deep, sculpted pit showing our dedication to the smiling god. Announce that instead. Love, Kevin. Okay, it looks like Mayor Mallard

has stepped back her support of the library. and is now pitching her incredible idea to build a great monument to the smiling god, one to rival Nightveil's Brownstone Spire. Of course, none of us agree with the religious beliefs of the Brownstone Spire, but we all certainly respect its towering beauty, broadcasting its dogma across the desert through the medium of colossal architecture. Mayor Mallard announced that Desert Bluffs monument will be a great pit called the Mudstone Abyss. A one mile wide, four-mile deep inverted cone chiseled with sacred symbols and texts dedicated to the smiling God.

It'll take a year to build and will require everyone in town to work on it. The crowd is now shouting at the mayor in obvious support. Lauren has always been good with people, a real motivator. I'm excited about her great plan. Let's have a look now at traffic. There's a single car. A maroon Honda CRV, one taillight out, driving along State Street. Inside is a man listening to his radio.

He's new in town and he wants to hear all of the important news of his new home. perhaps he even wants to hear my voice. A voice first heard earlier today when he arrived in town, and I was standing at the sign that says, You are entering desert bluffs, population, all smiles. The man's name is Charles, and when he looked at me, he smiled. He shook my hand, lingering a bit.

I told him how welcome he was, how winsome his jaw looked, how I'd love to show him around town. And Charles, who is now turning his CRV onto Lighthouse Pass toward the house he rented, listens, as I say on the radio, few people have ever looked at me with equivalent kindness. You did not turn from my face.

You did not wince. You looked straight into me and knew I was the same as you. You saw me, Charles. Thank you. There's roadwork to fix a rip in space time along Havana Drive. So expect delays, Charles. You have my number.

This has been traffic. I'm getting word that people are unhappy somewhere in Desert Bluffs. And this makes me unhappy. I do not like being unhappy. That's not what this town is about. Apparently, the unhappy people are at City Hall, complaining to Mayor Mallard about her new plan to build the Mudstone Abyss. They're carrying signs which read,

Separate Church and State, and Libraries Not Forced Labor. They can't be upset about the Mudstone Abyss. Perhaps they're upset about the mayor's lackluster delivery of such good news. Was she not smiling enough? Sometimes people don't smile enough when they bring good tidings, and that makes those tidings much less good. I will call the mayor now to help her clarify her message. In the meantime, let's have a look at the weather.

Spoiler, it's going to be cloudless and sunny with no wind. But still... It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet, From rolling countryside to cobblestone streets, begin your next chapter. Book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. WestJet, where your story takes off. Okay, we're all good. I went downtown, and the mayor and I talked.

She brought in the city council, which is made up entirely of my close friends, Ken, Kelvin, Keegan, and Kellan, who founded the Temple of Joy with me. we all walked back out to the gathered crowd and Lauren called for calm but no one reacted then I stepped to the microphone and everyone stopped and went silent save for a couple of gasps and I said

the mayor wants to build the mudstone abyss and I support her efforts the city council supports her efforts and I believe you support her efforts as well. I can see your smiling faces, but I want them to be smiling even more. And to help you with that,

I will tell you my vision of this monument of the smiling God. One night, after waking up in a cold sweat from that same dream about the frenetic and suicidal birds in the empty cornfield, I felt so invigorated

by the permanence of this enjoyable dream that I went for a woman, walk. I walked and walked until I came to the mountain, the single mountain that overlooks our town, and upon which stands a lighthouse. I climbed to the top of the lighthouse, and I stared up at the midnight sun, and I asked for a sign, but none came. For hours I waited, but none came. So I walked back down, found an old oak door. I opened the door and on the other side was a dusty park, lined with tall obsidian walls and populated with hooded figures who were playing some game that involved kicking a fresca can into an overturned trash bin. I asked them for a sign,

but none came. They made a static hum and pretended I was not there. So I should, shut that portal, and I thought then about that famous scripture from the book of devouring. When the smiling God closes a door, it opens a great hole in the earth. And so, I grabbed my smile knife, which I always keep in a case on my belt, and I began to dig. I scraped away mud and stone until I had no energy left, and I said, please, Give me a sign. And below me, the ground became translucent. I could see for miles down, a great pit below me,

and crawling up the sides of the pit was an enormous creature with thousands of legs, scuttling joyously in an upward spiral until it finally devoured me in one gulp. But rather than become pure in the holy mime, of our smiling God, I found I was standing once again atop the lighthouse, atop the mountain, atop all of desert bluffs, and below right here, next to our small but proud city hall. I could see a conical abyss of awesome size glowing with symbols of our God, interlocking triangles and multi-legged worms

and just the most detailed geometry carved into mudstone. And I knew that this great construction was not merely our future, but our conscience, our very soul. This mudstone abyss will be not a monument to a god or a religion or a church,

but to our happiness itself. So I tell you now, we'll build it, and we will build it together. And as I finished my speech, I could see dozens of grinning faces. Several of our friends from the Temple of Joy had come to hear the speech

and to help out by holding down the protesters and pulling their lips back into full smiles. The city council immediately approved Mayor Mallard's plan. She's such a visionary and brilliant orator. Construction on the Mudstone Abyss begins at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning, so we'll see all of you there, bright and early. It was a joyous day, Desert Bluffs. A defining moment for our town.

And to top it off, I got a call from Charles. He said he heard my speech today and was impressed with my homiletic skills. And also, he'd love to take me up on my offer to show him around town, and that maybe we could start with dinner. Well, I will let you know how that goes. But, as always, until next time, Desert Bluffs. Until next time. Welcome to Desert Bluffs is a production of Nightvale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by disparition. The voice of Desert Bluffs is Kevin R. Free, original music by Joseph Fink. All of it can be found at josephink.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Living on Light by Silo's Choice. Find out more at siloschoice.bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at. info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or really look into yourself use a knife and a microscope check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this

show and fall live show tour that is happening right now today's proverb on second thought a million dollars is pretty cool finger guns to you million dollars hi i'm here to tell you about good morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow tri hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcast. Yes, even there.