Welcome to Night Vale - 141 - Save Dark Owl Records

Episode Date: February 1, 2019

Dark Owl Records hosts a fundraiser to save their store. This episode was co-written with Brie Williams. The voice of Michelle Nguyen was Kate Jones. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwiner. The voice of Maureen was Maureen Johnson. Weather: "A Pale Sun Rises Over New York" by Scrawnyman https://scrawnyman.bandcamp.com Coming in May 2019: Volumes 3 and 4 of the Welcome to Night Vale Episode Collections! For more info and to pre-order: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books/ Our tour of A Spy in the Desert continues this month across Europe and the US! Get your tickets here: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Night VALEntine’s Day Cards and Stickers available now, for a limited time only: https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv Want to hear your music in an episode of Night Vale? We’re accepting submissions for the Weather until February 15: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/weather Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio or Facebook. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

The Prison of Your Own Mind. is undergoing budget cuts. Welcome to Nightvale. Today I'd like to open the show with a statement from local business owner, Michelle Wynne. An insidious presence has invaded our town. That presence is located in the Nightvale Mall and is called the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. I've seen you shopping there, Nightvale, and I want you to know you're all murderers with the figurative blood of independent record stores dripping from your hands.

No, no, you'll say. That isn't figurative blood, Michelle. It's literal barbecue sauce from the Black Angus Barbecue Bacon Burger, and it's delicious. You'll keep blathering on about how Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express keeps thick, juicy beef burgers layered in between their albums so you can flip past them and impulse eat as you shop. It's so convenient. Well, you know what?

Convenience is another word for laziness. When you come to my store to Dark Owl Records, you have to earn your music. Our extensive underground section is kept literally underground, and you have to dig random holes in the dirt to find it. We don't provide you with a shovel. You can't even bring your own. You must use your fingers. Broken knuckles and fingernails peel back to the quick are the sign of a true music.

of a true music lover. Sometimes, you won't find music you think you like, but then you realize that the rhythmic grunts and scrapes of bloodied hands into Rocky Earth is itself. Music. Anyway, come to my fundraiser tonight at Dark Elwell Records. It's a party, and parties are the worst, but I don't have the money to pay my bills anymore, and it's your fault. So just show up and do the right thing.

or I'll go out of business. Okay, thanks. Thank you, Michelle. Our radio station is doing a remote broadcast live today at the Save Dark Owl Fundraiser. We'll do some interviews and there'll be live bands and it should be a lot of fun. Hope to see you down here, Night Vale. Come show your support for local small business. But first, a word from our sponsor.

Today's program is brought to you by the Burrower. Burger Barn Glad Town Records Express. The popular franchise mashup had its grand opening only three weeks ago and is already a booming success. From their regional frosty treats like the Cactus Thorn Malt to their wide selection of best of compilation albums. There's something for everyone at Food Barn Glad Town Records Express. And by popular demand, there's now extra fry sauce on everything.

including the Bluetooth headphones. You don't even have to ask for it. You have to ask if you don't want fry sauce and you have to give a good reason why not, like a signed doctor's note. Burger Barn Glad Town Records Express, your community entertainment content conglomerate. And now a public service announcement.

Hey, old friends. Corporal humans. Corporeal humans, former babies, future corpses. This is Deb, a sentient patch of haze, speaking for the Department of Motor Vehicles. We know you haven't heard from us in a while, but we haven't heard from you either. Relationships are two-way street, so to speak.

I know there's been some tension and things have gotten a little weird between us. No need to get into that right now. Or ever again as far as we're concerned. But if you want to come over sometime and just talk, just say hi or anything, the Department of Motor Vehicles will be opening our doors for one hour every weekday. Between two and three. That's all we have to give emotionally right now. Self-care.

We would like to see you again, though, just to hear your voice. We hope you've been doing well. We're a little drunk, and it's late. And we just got done watching Carol for the third time in a week. and you haven't really been posting on social media lately, so we just want to know what's going on with you. Again, no pressure, no strings attached, and if it gets crowded, you could always take a number, as usual.

But the DMV wants you to know, whether you're number 19 or 99, you're always number one to us. We miss you. We miss you. Listeners, we're here live at Dark Owl Records, and the fundraiser is getting off to a great start. People are buying shards of records they dug out of the ground. There's a cake with thick black frosting and undulating tendrils.

Looks delicious. There's an effigy of the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express with a lot of long pins sticking out of it, And at the center of all the excitement is Dark Owl owner herself, Michelle Wynne, and her girlfriend Maureen. What a treat. Hey, you two, want to say hello to all of Nightvale? Oh, it's weird. Michelle sent me a text right now while simultaneously staring unblinkingly into my eyes from three feet away. Her text says,

We heard the spot you did for Burger Barn Glad. Bad Town Rec X, and we are not speaking to you at this time. Please leave my party, Cecil. Oh, I get it. Oh, no. This is a simple misunderstanding, Michelle. See, in radio journalism, we have a moral responsibility to play ads and make lots of money. I see where you're confused.

Does that help clear things up? Oh. And Maureen is pouring iced coffee. all over my laptop. I'll go find a towel while you go to the weather. This is Michelle. Cecil had to go away, but there was a hastily assumed agreement I would take over the show while he's gone. So here I am, Michelle. Broadcasting live from my own party, which is better than mingling with people and being all social and stuff, right? No offense to anyone who's here, but This is the first party I've ever agreed to attend, and it was only out of desperation.

I mean, all parties are born out of some form of desperation. Uh, parties are the worst. I wish everyone would go home. No, no, don't go home. It's so nice that you're here, I guess. But you know what else is nice? Being alone. Or mostly alone.

That's really what independent. record stores stand for, you know? Individuality. Independence. Isolation. Don't follow the herd. Go home. Be alone.

It's the best. Oh, shoot. I was afraid something like this would happen. I mean, everything's fine. There's just a little situation out back. I'm going to hand the mic over to Maureen while I deal with this. Um, hello? Hey, uh, this is Maureen.

Don't be scared or anything. actually be scared, but not about what I'm going to tell you. What happened is some people were digging in the underground music section, and the ground kind of split apart, and now there's a giant, like, arthropod thing. It's tearing people's limbs off and whatever. Seems really mad, and people are screaming. Like, a lot of blood.

Your blood is so stupid. But Michelle has it under control now. She's kicked out everyone but the spider crustacean thing because it was the only one that wasn't being fake about its love of music. So yeah, come on down to the store. Remember, we're here to save Dark Owl. And even though the biggest section is the not-for-sail rack, there's still a lot of great things to choose from. I know that some of the best things I've ever found have been here. Michelle, for one.

Don't tell her I said that. Also earlier today, I was crawling around inside the ventilation system, and I thought it would be really narrow and claustrophobic, like airflow shafts usually are, but actually it kept growing wider and taller until I could stand up and walk around. I could even run if I wanted to. The ducts and passageways unfolded in front of me,

and I felt totally lost, but in a good way. I ran and ran, and somewhere along the way I lost my flight, flashlight, and it didn't matter. I could see with a sense other than vision. Maybe it was taste. Duckedways tasted like an everything bagel, and that guided my way. Then I could taste voices outside the vents. A voice I knew well was talking to a customer about a color, limited edition, single of Love will tear us apart on one side, and Love will keep us together on the other. The Records cover art depicted the eruption of Mount St. but like a year before it actually happened, which makes it super valuable.

I followed the taste of their voices, which was like green apples, but the artificial candy flavor version. And I ended up in the obsolete media bunker behind the register where I laid down on a pile of warm Sheena Easton kiss singles and CD-ROMs filled with corrupted lime wire files. And that's where I am now. And I'm going to take a nap. Bye. Hey, Nightvale, I'm back.

It's all under control now. Sorry, I have kind of a contentious relationship with my neighbor, Matt. He's a 15-foot coconut crab that lives underneath the lot behind our store. We usually get along okay, but he really does not like parties, and I should have told him in advance, but I was busy and totally forgot, so my bad. Anyway, I let Matt eat the patrons who were wearing AirPods, and he was happy. So the party is still going strong. Most of the people are dead or have been kicked out, but I want to make it clear that the party is still happening.

So come on down to Dark Elwell Records and save our store. Honestly, things are so much better now that everyone's gone, so this is really the perfect time to show up. We have some special listening stations where you can browse all your favorite genres, like silence, post-silence, proto-silence, under silence, I know you guys might not have heard of under silence yet, but that's like when the headphones are projecting what's inside of you back into your own ears and you can hear your internal organs processing blood and fluids and you're filled with the awe of how all these seemingly archaic gooey parts can possibly work together to keep you alive and functioning, and you eventually pass out and or vomit. I really don't know what I'll do if I have to leave this place. I've spent so much time here. I don't even remember where my house is. One night after work, I walked down the street I thought it was on, but nothing looked familiar,

and I kept walking for hours. I finally saw my house, but when I walked in, the door opened into the kitchen instead of the living room, and there was this family I'd never seen before eating dinner. There were four large serving bowls of mashed root vegetables on the table. The family didn't notice me at all. They ate their mush and talked about their days. The mom was worried about her new boss at work, and the son forgot to go to his dentist appointment, and the daughter had a chemistry test that went okay.

I didn't want to freak them out, so I let myself out the back door and kept walking until it was morning. And in the cappanous creek of dawn, I ended up back at Dark Owl just in time to open for the new day. And it didn't matter, you know, that I couldn't find my house, because... Wait, what's this? An empty-eyed courier child just handed me an envelope. There's a, there's a check inside. And it's a coupon for something called the 100% fish hot dog. And a handwritten note.

It says, Hello, my name is Jules, and I'm the franchise owner at the new Burger Bar in Gladtown Records Express. Here is the rest of the money for your fundraising goal. When you become a franchise owner like me, you'll think to yourself, oh cool, I'm an entrepreneur now, I'm going to be my own boss. I'm finally going to have agency in my life, you know? At least that's what I thought when I filled out the online personality test that told me I had what it takes.

I'm a type 23. Outgoing but grounded. I'm detail-oriented, but I can also see the big picture. I'm competitive, but I follow the rules. Classic type 23. The note goes on. But there are so many rules, Michelle. You have to conform when you're in a franchise.

And if you don't, you'll go under. Not merely monetarily, but to this place they refer to only as the cavern. If you end up there, you don't ever come out again. Anyway, one rule is that we need at least one business competitor to remain open at all times. Until our lobbyists overturn the Sherman Antitrust Act, we need Dark L records to stay in business. So please take this money. I don't want to go to the cavern. Please, Michelle.

Sincerely, Jules. Okay, not sure how to deal with this right now, if I'm honest. This person opened up a rival record franchise and now they want to give me money from their corporation to stay in business? I don't know. I need to go soul-searching. I need to listen to some ambient room-tone tracks

used under famous movie scenes, I really liked the one from the diner in when Harry met Sally. Whatever, I guess. Nightvale, I'm so sorry I left you. I went to get a towel to clean up the spilled ice coffee, and there was this giant spider lobster thing.

He cornered me, and I couldn't escape. He just kept talking and talking, and God, he was boring. The worst person to run into at a party. I didn't know how to go. get out of the conversation without being rude. I finally said I'd go grab us both a slice of cake and sidled out of there. I hope everything went okay while I was gone. Let's see. Oh, there's no one really left. The radio gear has been abandoned except a sleeping Maureen under my chair.

There's an inordinate amount of blood on the floor. And hey, looks like the little cardboard thermometer that shows the fundraising goal has been fully colored in. Wow! We did it, Nightvale! I guess that means there's enough money to keep Dark Owl in business, at least through this month's bills. That's the thing about bills. They keep happening.

Well, whatever the future holds, the party was clearly a success, as was this ultra-fun remote broadcast. So, music lovers, kicked back, put on your fry sauce doused headphones, listen to your newly purchased album shards, and put some vitamin E cream on those knuckles. Stay tuned next for the clack, clack, clack of CD cases being browsed, like a fluttery little heartbeat in the darkness.

Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. This episode was written by Bree Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Michelle was Kate Jones. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwinner. The voice of intern Maureen was Maureen Johnson. Original music by Dysperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disperition.Bancamp.com. This episode's weather was A Pale Sun Rock Rises Over New York by Scronyman. Find out more at scrawnyman.bann.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio or see if a friend needs anything. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information on this show and the Scout Membership Program that allows us to keep making this show with all sorts of benefits

for scouts of all levels. Today's proverb, a good way to tell if an artistic idea is worthwhile is to remember that the most successful video game of all time is a plumber steps on turtles. So, who knows? Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with Season 3 dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.