Welcome to Night Vale - 145 - The Veterans

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Some veterans return home from the Blood Space War, and enemies have followed. The voice of John Peters is Mark Gagliardi. Weather: “No Good Day” by Windows to Sky https://windowstosky.com Season 2 of I Only Listen to the Mountain Goats premieres on April 4. This year, we’re talking about the brand new Mountain Goats album, In League With Dragons. http://ionlylistentothemountaingoats.com Get your tickets to our shows at Tidewater Comicon 2019 and cities across the US, plus our one-off Night Vale Presents live show in LA later this month: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Signed editions of our upcoming script books are available for pre-order now from Mysterious Galaxy Books: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio or Facebook. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

Mike it till you like it. Book it till you look it. Welcome to Nightvale. More soldiers of the Blood Space War have returned home to Nightvale. Another craft landed in the cornfield of John Peters, you know, the farmer. Beings of astonishing structure emerged alongside four human figures in space suits. The astronauts removed their helmets to reveal they are Nightville residents James Peters, you know, the brother of John. John Peters, you know, the farmer, twins Drew and Dan Christensen, and Junior Blay. These veterans of the interstellar conflict were welcomed by the citizens of Nightvale with hugs, a brass band, and delicious unsold baked goods left over from last month's PTA bake sale to support the Blood Space War. The returning soldiers thanked the gathering, but warned Night Vale of the Polonian armies of Star System Lechaya 935, two who are encroaching at this moment upon her own galaxy.

Admiral Jr. Blay of the 63rd Mounted Cavalry said the Polonians are ruthless killers. They are three times the size of humans with hundreds of sharp teeth up and down their many boneless limbs. They have only one eye, which really messes up their depth perception, Blay said, but that eye can also shoot out lasers. So it's sort of a six of one way. half-dozen the other. The crowd did not hear most of what the veterans had to say,

as they were mesmerized by the beings of astonishing structure standing atop the landing ramp of their disc-shaped craft. Oh, those! Sergeant Dan Christensen said, there are allies. They're from the Battlestation Wolfgang. They have no home planet, as it was destroyed millennia ago by the Polonians. The crowd pointed and shouted interlopers,

of astonishing structure at the beings, but Lieutenant Drew Christensen said, they have no oral or written language. They cannot understand your noises. Drew then did a kind of B-boy pop-in-lock dance move, and the beings of astonishing structure replied with the balletic prance before entering their ship and departing. They said thanks, but this place is weird. Drew Christensen interpreted for the crowd.

Dan and Drew Christensen were born in Night Vale in 1912. They became tax accountants. They had wives and children. They donated to the old Nightvale Opera House and were avid sports fans. They even started the first ever semi-pro sand hockey league. Dan passed away in 1994 of liver cancer and Drew passed away weeks later of a heart attack. They were survived by their wives, children and grandchildren.

But upon returning to Nightville this week, these 107-year-old men looked to be in their late 20s. The Christensen twins have attempted to reunite with their families, but they were unrecognizable to their grandchildren who are now middle-aged. And when Dan and Drew tried to apply for jobs, they were declined on account of an antiquated law that makes it illegal to hire the dead. Junior Blae, a 50-year-old man, said he was born in 2022 to Oliver and Linda Blay of Old Town Night Vale. The Blay family was contacted about this and said they had not planned to ever have children, so Junior will likely have been an accident or a dramatic change of heart. Blay was wounded in his first combat assignment and returned home for treatment. He suffered third-degree burns across his abdomen and arms.

arms and needs a skin graft, but the night veil VA has to wait on approval for the Red Mesa VA to clear his procedure, which could take weeks. Jim Peters was honorably discharged from service and was heavily decorated with chevrons and medals, but his face sagged with exhaustion and history. His brother John was the first to greet him, but Jim could not match his brother's tearful enthusiasm. Jim had seen too much, experienced too much to ever feel normal again. In light of the physical, financial, and spiritual crush on these men, the city council announced that it would paint a giant American flag atop city hall and play John Philip Sousa's famous patriotic march, Bodak Yellow,

at all hours of the day over a loudspeaker. And the whole town cheered proudly. for they were truly taking care of our vets. Let's have a look at sports. The Nightfail High School wheelchair basketball team, captain by junior point guard Janice Palmer, won their semi-final game last night against Cactus Park High School 72 to 58.

Forward Quinn Boomin led the team with 20 points and also had eight rebounds and 10 assists. The Scorpions fell behind by 16 points in the first half, but really found their inspiration at halftime. Coach Jacobite McPhee told his team not to get down of themselves because it's impossible to make every single shot. You just have to have fun. McPhee then took out an acoustic guitar and sang the following original song.

Physics is a science of made up numbers and rules. So we can only make joy and pass the ball like fools. But when it leaves our hands, our free will is through. Because you never ever know what that ball is going to do. Physics is a science of made-up numbers and rules so we can only make joy and pass the ball like fools. Yes, we can only make joy and pass the ball like fools. The team relinquished their illusion of control and dominated the second half offensively. The Scorpions face Pine Cliff this Saturday afternoon in the district tournament final,

so let's all get out there and support our team. root for the ball to go into the... The... The, you know, the thing that the ball is supposed to go into. And this has been sports. Senior strategic advisor, Jameson Archibald, at the Intergalactic Military Headquarters. Speaking from an inflatable raft atop an infinity pool filled with Remy Martin Black, Pearl Cognac, said he and his top strategists in the Intergalactic Military Headquarters still have no

idea what the Blood Space War is about. But they're glad to learn that the Polonian armies are approaching. We've got all this money piling up for the war, and we're getting bored with hosting Lamborghini demolition derbies, Archibald said. The government keeps sending us cash, and we're like, okay, y'all, but like, what are we supposed to do with it? And the feds are like, I don't care, start a war or something.

But unfortunately, the government allotment for an interstellar war was wiped out on a failed investment in a tech startup that was pitched to them as the Uber of Netflix of Facebook by a seven-year-old wearing a suit. So, the intergalactic military headquarters was forced to ask for contributions. Hence, the PTA bake sales. Additionally, the sheriff's secret police were able to provide several armored combat vehicles, two tons of enriched uranium, and a satellite-activated missile launching system, all of which had been donated to the secret police by the U.S. Army. Sheriff Sam said they had wanted to keep all that high-tech battle gear, but using a nuclear submarine to stop Nightville citizens who were fishing without a license

created what Sheriff Sam referred to as less than satisfactory optics. Archibald said he was appreciative of the Secret Police's charity, but he'd just received word that the Polonian ships are already within the outer limits of our solar system. So, not sure there's much left to do, really. He then took out a roll of $100 bills from his shirt pocket and ate it, like a Snickers bar. An update on the high school basketball tournament. The city council announced that there will be a parade for the team win or lose next.

Tuesday evening. The parade will feature giant floats in the shapes of famous basketball players, such as Oscar Robertson, Larry Bird, and Little Bow Wow. There will also be a celebrity appearance by Lee Marvin, who will be celebrating his 30th birthday on Tuesday. Oh, happy birthday, Mr. Marvin. The City Council expressed civic pride in this talented team of young athletes and enjoined all of Nightville to come out in celebration of sportsmanship. Regardless, of the outcome of the championship game. Of course, the single-bodied entity of the City Council said with uncharacteristic mirth, we think our team will win.

The City Council's many faces then winked in unison. Also, the City Council added, if you look up in the sky, you'll see that a large chunk of the moon just exploded and the Earth is surrounded by enemy spacecraft. But there's not much we can do about that, So let's just cheer on our basketball team. The city council then held up their many fists and squealed, yay team!

As pieces of the moon began to thunder down around us. Let's go now to today's weather. So today's going to be, I got hit by a truck of tire. You wanted to know when I'd have to provide. Just a thick fade. Try to be a better part. Try to for the goals that matter. I've just received an email from Harrison Kipp,

Archaeology Professor at Knightville Community College. Kip told me that while on a dig in 1993, he and his team of researchers found remnants of several spacecraft buried deep in central Nevada. Kip was studying fossilized remains to determine eating habits of early North American inhabitants, but what he found were several triangular titanium vessels, each roughly the size and shape of a Burger King. He tried to check his notes from that excursion, but those pages had been torn out of his journal.

Despite this, he's positive the ships he can see of. above our earth are identical to the ones he found crashed in the desert 25 years ago. Inside those ships were creatures the size of hippos, with long, dangling limbs covered in sharp teeth. Kip remembers calling the college to ask for more funding for this research, but before he could do anything, a black van drove up to the dig site, and several men wearing business suits that were patterned in desert camouflage got out. They arrested Kip and his assistants and had them reprogrammed. Kip said the reprogramming was successful until today

when he heard my news reports about the Polonians and his memories suddenly returned him and now he believes he knows exactly what has happened in the Blood Space War and how we will end it he's going to type up his notes while they're still fresh in his mind and get them over to me ASAP oh this is so very exciting science saves the day once again

Aha. Here's a follow-up email from Harrison. It says, Hey, Cecil, disregard, whatever I said earlier. I don't even remember what it was. Some guys, I didn't know, showed up and put a metal helmet on me. There were a bunch of wires and knobs and lights coming out of it when I felt so peaceful and comfortable, like when you're eating Belgium waffles with ice cream

while binge-watching Terrace House anyway. I don't remember what I sent in earlier since all my emails were deleted, so whatever it was, it couldn't have been that important. Sincerely Harrison. No. No. This is terrible. Okay, I'm going to forward Harrison's first email back to him to see if it rejogs his memory. We've got to learn exactly what... Hello? Hello there.

Listeners, there are some men entering my studio. They're wearing business suits made from a desert camouflage pattern fabric. Oh, Gucci. I love it. They're putting this crazy hat on me and it has a bunch of lights and white. Hang on Nightville. Listen to this interview I recorded earlier today with John Peters, you know the farmer. These boys are here trying to get me ready for Fashion Week, I think. Jim came home this week and I was real happy, happier than a pig starring in his own TV

show about pig detectives solving pig murders. My brother taught me to play football when we was boys. He'd throw the ball and say, Johnny, move your hands together like salad tongs when the ball gets near you. It's called catch. I tried so hard to catch that ball, but I never could. We have fun. Jim taught me so much and he took care of me, running off the bullies at school, by me soda pops and cany canes from this man who lived in the trunk of broken down 56 Chevy in the

alley behind the post office. I'm almost 60 years old and my brother left for the war back when I was 15. And to see him again. Boy, to see his face after so long, he ain't changed one bit. He literally is the same age as when he left, 22 years old. But he's not the same gym. He don't want to throw the football or go looking for discount sodas and candy and weird alleys. No, Jim looks sad.

His body's strong, but his mind seems so weak. I saw him crying the other day and I told him what our pop always said to us, Jim. Boys don't cry, not without talking through their feelings with someone else. So I put my arm around young Jim. I must have looked like a granddad, me so old, him so young, but our memories of each other were the same age. Jim cried into my shirt and said, Johnny, I've been in that war for darn near a hundred years.

That's a lot of space travel, not a lot of fighting, but when there is fighting, it's gruesome. Jim said he didn't want to see no more. war but he said that in his last battle he risked his life to disarm a bomb that would have killed ten of his fellow soldiers and one of them was the general the general has a plan for a ceasefire Jim said the general has a plan for peace but I think the general needs me Johnny I said Jimbo I need you but I knew that I'd been without him for 40 years while this general was with him for

nearly a hundred. I knew I was lying to Jim and myself. Jim hugged my neck and kissed my cheek. He donned his spacesuit and walked out into the cornfield and disappeared. I think my brother is going to save us all. Anyway, it's a sad story, but it's all so happy. Like a goat playing a piano, stories carry lots of different emotions all at once. All right, listeners, I'm back. I don't remember what I was talking about. You know where I got this really cool hat. But City Council announced that the spaceships that were surrounding our planet are gone. But they were deeply unnerved by the fact that the ships did not retreat.

They simply disappeared. The City Council then added that the moon is still broken, but honestly, they see this as a chrysitunity. to buy a new one. Oh, don't forget to come to the basketball championship parade on Tuesday. Stay tuned next for simultaneous panic and relief. As you realize, all of your emails are gone. Good night, Night Vale.

Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. This episode was written by Joseph Fink and John. Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of John Peters, you know, the farmer, was Mark Gagliardi. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info, or at

disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was No Good Day by Windows to Sky. Find out more at windows to sky.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to night veil.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or go to a farmer's market and order off the secret menu check out welcome to night veil.com for more information on our upcoming live tours and our special one-off live show at the largo in los angeles today's proverb develop your chi really work that chi hard get six-pack chi totally swole with chi roll up those sleeves and welcome

people to The Cheese Show. Hi, I'm Joseph Fink, and I Only Listen to the Mountain Goats is the show where I talk with John Darneal of the band The Mountain Goats about what it means to be a fan, to be an artist, and, as most of us are, to be both at once. We're back for a second year,

but this time we're trying something different and a little risky. About a week and a half ago, you sent an email being like, hey, I have an idea that's going to make our lives more difficult, but I think we'll be really interesting. The thing is it makes everybody else's life more difficult except mine. This year, we will be discussing the brand new Mountain Goats album in League with Dragons,

an album that was still in the process of being made when these conversations were recorded. Neither one of us really knows we'll be talking about the songs themselves and about the performances that you've heard, but the final product could sound pretty different. We are dealing with literally an album that isn't even done yet. This will be the first time I'm talking about any of it to anybody for the most part. We will talk through the new album, track by track. Each episode will include the original home demo of the song, so that we can follow the work all the way through the final version released to the public.

Recorded over several months during the production of the album, this season gives you an unprecedented conversation about the creative process, while it is still happening. I hear people talk about and I see them live blog it saying, well, I'm writing an album, right? And it's like, I don't do that when I'm starting. I have to be in this amorphous, place of just writing, because I write all the time. With many of my lyrics, I'm in the same situation as a reader. I just write what I write. I don't usually say, let me write about

this. I write a bunch of songs that go here, go there, who knows what they feel like, and then sometimes you notice that a couple of them are holding hands, or you feel like one of them represents growth, or you feel like one of them really expresses something true. You got a little brave. You went somewhere a little less safe. I only listen to the Mountain Goats. The new season arrives on April 4th, wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner. And Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also, the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.