Welcome to Night Vale - 15 - Street Cleaning Day

Episode Date: January 15, 2013

Today is Street Cleaning Day, and the street cleaners will soon be upon us. Remain calm, and run away screaming. Plus, new music trends from Dark Owl Records, the crackdown on wheat & wheat by-product speakeasies, and we take a look at clouds. Weather: “Absolute Lithops Effect” by Carrie Elkin http://carrieelkin.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. It's something else here now.

Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision comes with the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home.

From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Bananas are hardly that slippery. But watch your step anyway. Welcome to Night Vale. Ladies, Gentlemen, you. Today is street cleaning day. Please remain calm.

Street cleaners will be upon us quite soon. We have little time to prepare. Please remain calm. The city council has issued a statement in 20-point-all-caps type saying, run, run, forget your children and leave behind the week, run. We have contacted those experts. who have not already gone underground or changed their identity, and have been told that street cleaners focus on heat and movement, and so the best strategy is to be dead already.

Then the experts all swallowed pills and fell mouths frothing at my feet. If you have doors, lock them. If you have windows, board them up. If you still have ears, cover them and crouch wherever you are. It is street cleaning day. Please remain calm. John Peters, you know, the farmer. He reports finding an old oak door standing unsupported by any other structure out in the scrubland.

He says that he's sure it wasn't there yesterday or pretty sure anyway. as sure as he can be since the accident. Apparently there is knocking from the door, as though there were someone from some other side that does not exist in our narrow, fragile reality trying to get in. He has added several deadbolts and chains to the door on both sides, unsure which direction the door opens, which is, by the way, a huge design flaw.

One should always know which way a door opens, merely by looking at it, if the designer has done their job. And this holds true whether it's a bank of glass doors at the local mall, or an unspeakably old wooden door leading to other worlds than these. John, meanwhile, says he will keep a sleepless vigil upon the door, as any sleep merely leads to dreams of blurry shes. shapes in the dim distance advancing, hissing upon this vulnerable planet. He also says the imaginary corn is coming in real good, and we should have a nice crop to choose from soon, especially now that it will be available for sale at the green market. The staff at Dark Owl Records announced today that they are only listening to, selling, and talking about Buddy Holly.

If you want to buy music at all, you would better like Buddy Holly. If you dress like Buddy Holly, that's cool too. They also announced that Buddy Holly will be performing live there this Saturday night at 11 to promote his newest album, which is called, I'm trapped in between worlds, existing only in the form that you knew me, this is not who I am, leave me alone and just let me die, please. Organized crime is on the rise, Night Vale. The Sheriff's Secret Police and the Night Vale Council for Commerce

are cracking down on illegal wheat and wheat byproduct speakeasies. Two months ago, the City Council abolished forever all wheat and wheat byproducts. products, but a black market appears to have formed for those depraved addicts who can't get enough wheat, nor its byproducts. Big Rico's pizza was cited this week for hosting an illegal wheat and wheat byproducts joint in a hidden basement space. Big Rico's, in light of the new laws, has had to alter its menu to mostly just bowls of store. stewed tomatoes, melted cheese wads, and gluten-free pizza slices. His storefront seemed to be the model of a wheat-free and wheat-by-product-free society,

but even the most honest businesses can turn to crime when their livelihood is on the line. Fortunately for Big Rico, he is a very nice person and apologized to the city council in a way that did not not include blackmail or secret campaign contributions or special favors. Big Rico is just truly sorry for what he has done. The sheriff's secret police say they are upping their efforts to stop these illicit wheat and wheat byproduct manufacturers. They are mostly just sniffing in the air until they smell bread. It's pretty easy, actually, the sheriff said from his hover office in the clouds. More information now on street cleaning day, which has come upon us just as we always feared it would. The information is that street cleaning day is terrifying, and that we

should all perhaps fall to our knees, letting out moans and rubbing our forearms absently. The city council has issued a statement indicating that they forgot they had vacation plans this week, and so are currently on a plane to Miami, as they had been planning and looking forward to for some time. They said their vacation, since it was definitely planned, has a pre-established end date, but that they cannot tell anyone what that end date is until these street cleaners are completely gone.

In the meantime, they are leaving Paul Birmingham in charge. Paul, the vagrant who lives in a lean-to behind the library, could not be reached for comment, as he has faked his own death in an elaborate scheme to escape Street Cleaning Day unscathed. More, if there ever is more for any of us. And now a word from our sponsors. Today's broadcast is sponsored by Target. Target is a great place to shop, and they would like you to consider the variety of silence in this world. The deathly silence when an argument has reached a height from which neither party can see a safe way down,

and the soft, wet silence of post-coital breath-catching. Silence in a courtroom moments before a man's life is changed completely by something so insignificant as his past. And the silence of a hospital room, as a man in front of everyone he loves, lets the heat from his clenched hands dissipate into the background hum of the universe. The quiet of outdoor distances, of wilderness, of the luxury of space, and the quiet of dead air on the radio, the sound of a mistake, of emphasis, of your own thoughts when you expected someone else's. From time to time, listeners, I like to bring a little education to our show. show. Throw out some interesting facts or mind fuel. Today, I'd like to share some

fascinating facts about clouds. Clouds are made up of rain clouds are formed when when the density of the humid air, aka the cloud, becomes that's when it rains. Lightning is and it's important to can kill you, or at least cause you a great deal of body-altering pain and regret. But take some time to stop and look at the clouds. They are beautiful, wondrous creations. Wait, I've just been handed a piece of red paper by one of the sheriff's secret police officers. I can tell that's what he was because of his short cape, blow-dart, chest.

belt and tight leather balaclava. Dear listeners, I've been told to inform you that you are to stop looking at the clouds immediately. Stop knowing about the clouds. Intern Stacey tells me in my headset here that they've also been censoring my broadcast. Well, I back our public protectors, and if they say to stop knowing about whatever it was I was talking about, then I'll stop knowing about it. Let's go now to the sounds of predatory birds. Sirens have been going off in central night veil as a warning about sirens going off in Old Town Night Vale.

These sirens indicate that sirens might occur in the general night veil area over the next few hours. the which would be a declaration of a current siren watch. Please check that your siren preparedness kit is fully stocked and easily reachable. Lieutenant Regis of Unit 7 of the local National Guard Station and KFC combo store said that, it always seemed that the only way to live without regrets was just to never regret anything you did. And that seems to be the only hope for the future anyway.

Regrets, just bear us down. Regrets, just bear us down. This wasn't related to today's Siren Watch. He said that a few years back, and it always just stuck with me. And now, traffic. Southbound H-O-V lanes of Route 800, near Exit 15, have large glowing arrows. Drive over the arrows and get a boost in speed. Save time and gas and get your high occupancy vehicle to work on time.

There's a stalled car at the downtown off-ramp of Eastern Expressway. tow trucks are on the scene to euthanize the vehicle and chase away scavenging vermin. There are several accidents to report, in fact, infinite accidents. Everything is an accident, or at least let us hope so. This has been traffic. Ladies and gentlemen, it is not possible for us to exactly do another news report on street cleaning day, as no information can get through the barricades and seals that are keeping us safe within our broadcasting bunker. Instead, we offer the following impressionistic list

of what we believe is happening outside our secure perimeter. Screaming. A slow movement downwards. The crunch of items made of wood and items not made of wood. A quick movement upwards. Char. A smell like rotting seaweed or a poisoned ocean. The song La Bamba, only faster. You know that feeling when you realize you're not alone? Only more so.

Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. The street cleaners are upon us. What can we do? what is there to do

besides perhaps taking you in a haze of terror and heat to the weather return you now to a safe place the street cleaners have passed

street cleaning day as so many other days is behind us we emerge from hiding spots from secret locations, from places under other places. We step out into the street, and it is as though it is brand new to us. Certainly, it is cleaner now, but that is not all. We have survived all the way from birth to this very moment, and we look at each other, and some of us start laughing,

and others start weeping, and one or two of us break out into a wordless humming song, and all of us mean the exact same thing. Look at us. Look at us out in the honey light of the finished day. Look at us and rejoice in our sheer being. One of us turns to another. clears his throat, and puts a gentle hand upon the other's gentle arm. I've never told you this, that one says.

What is it, Wilson, says the other. Amber, you are all to me. Will you marry me? Wilson, we've spoken maybe twice. Do you think we could start with dinner instead? No, yes. No, you're right. I was confused, says the one, although he was not confused.

Think nothing of it, it's forgotten, says the other, although she thought many things of it, and had forgotten nothing. And then a gradual movement towards Mission Grove Park, no orders, or even suggestions given, and yet we all file to that central meeting place. Put our arms around each other, grip tight, and then grip tighter. Some of us are not here. We leave space for them, space that has been emptied by time. I suppose I should say a few words to mark the occasion, says one of us, tall towards the front.

He says nothing more. The city council arrives back from their long planned Miami vacation, nudging those near them and talking about silver sand beaches and the food. Oh, those Cubans know how to do it. Even they are accepted into the gathering, despite our usual fears. And we grip them too as friends. night has arrived ladies night is here gentlemen night falls on our weary bodies and night falls on you too you too have survived survived everything up to this moment grip tight hum laugh cry forget nothing and think

many things of it. Good night. Good night. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Nightvail is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by disparition. All of it can be found at dispersion. info or at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was A Little Irony by Tom Milsom. Find out more at tommillsam.com. We would like to thank our Nightvale intern, Adam Donnells, who recently passed away in an unfortunate accident that we arranged for him. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvelle.com for more information on this show, as well as

info about the various Nightvale books. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That would help us a bunch. Today's proverb, one in corporeal being said to the other, I'm not here too. Make friends. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 2026 and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveil.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.