Welcome to Night Vale - 152 - The Great Golden Hand

Episode Date: August 15, 2019

It approaches. Hurrah! Hurrah! Weather: “Drones” by Epicenter https://epicentermetal.bandcamp.com Come see the first ever Start With This live show in Boston on October 20th! Join Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor for a fun and inspiring night about writing and podcasting: http://nightvale.eventbrite.com Don’t miss A SPY IN THE DESERT live next month across the US and Canada: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio or Facebook. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet, from rolling countryside to cobblestone streets. Begin your next chapter. Book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. WestJet, where your story takes off. Here it comes. Here it comes. The great golden hand.

Hurrah, rejoice, it nears, it nears. Welcome to Night Vale. Wonderful news, residents. City officials report that within the next few hours, we should expect the arrival of the great golden hand. This will mark the first visit from the great golden hand in nearly 80 years. Older residents and those who up until recently did not age, will remember the last visit fondly.

Those were the days when the air felt crisper somehow, as though growing older does not cause a degradation of self, but rather a degradation of everything outside of self. We project our own decline upon the world, and complained that everything was brighter and better at the time that we, coincidentally, were at our physical and mental peak. But I digress. Because everything was better during the great golden hand. That's just objective. We will update you on the hand as it approaches. But in the meantime, make sure that you are stocked up on a supply of clean water, adequate canned goods for five to eight years,

and copious amounts of human hair for the offering. If you do not have hair, please make sure to stop by the hair bank this morning to pick up hair generously donated by your neighbors for those who crave human hair by the fistful. But first, today's forecast. Rain later? Or no rain?

Or sun? Or snow? Or none of those things? There will be some light clouds along the horizon. Or it will be clear and you will stand out on a lawn, gone prickly with the conservation of water. And it will seem that you can see all the way across the world, even though you know that you can only see about three miles to the curvature of the earth. But it's... metaphorical this distance, and with the clarity of the sky, it will seem much farther than that.

Or, there will be clouds. So, none of that will happen, and you will only sit in your kitchen, eating leftovers and not thinking even a little about everything you've never done, and you will never get to do. Or, you won't wake up today. There will come a day where you don't, you know, and then none of this will matter. And the sky will be a perfect blue and you won't see it. Or it will rain. Or no rain.

Or sun. Or snow. Or none of those things. All of that later today, or tomorrow, or never. This has been today's forecast. We continue to track the great golden hand as it takes over much of the Western horizon. Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, reported that, Flowers have begun growing and dying and bursts all morning.

Cycles of life that pass as quickly as air through his lungs. These plants are speeding up, he said. Or else we are slowing down. Maybe thousands of years have passed, and the only ones that know are the flowers. Ha, ha, Larry, what a joker. City government tells us we have nothing to fear from the great golden hand. Although city government is in a bit of disarray. As of course we do not have a mayor, and city council has announced that they forgot it was their sister's wedding this weekend in Tulsa, and they need to leave town immediately.

So city government currently consists of Claire Scott at the Hall of Public Records. Claire is a woman-shaped apparition that haunts the dark hallways of the building and is responsible for at least 10 deaths. It's not an ideal situation leaving her in charge, but at least someone is there. as the great golden hand draws ever closer. Let's take a quick look at the headlines. Controversy has erupted over a new McDonald's commercial, as many say that the victims offered on the altar weren't properly consecrated. Lenny Butler, who has no official bona fides on religion or ceremony, but who considers himself

something of a sacrifice-officionado and self-taught expert, dismissed the commercial as, quote, more hack co-opting by corporate culture. He shook his head in disbelief as he showed reporters a copy of the commercial. Look at this, he said. Does that axe look like it has been buried for 100 days in a graveyard? I bet some underpaid PA bought that axe at an ace hardware the day of the shoot. And look at how the subsequent bone and blood slurry is just kind of spilling everywhere. There's no thought at all to proper aesthetic flow.

to the sacrifice," Linney concluded. Executives at National McDonald's headquarters expressed horror and disbelief when asked about the commercial, saying they had nothing to do with this, and why are we making them watch this traumatizing footage? Why? The executives repeated over and over in smaller and smaller voices. Why? Well, that's it for the headlines.

And now traffic. There is a crack in the wall. There is a twinge in your heart. There is someone coming, but don't worry. There is also someone going. There is a lamp in an alcove, in a house on a mountain. There is a hand that reaches out and turns on the lamp. There is an eye that squints through the dim light,

trying to see what isn't there. There is a name. Yes, there is a name, but we will never know what it is. There is a dusty foot scooting along rough wood. There is a tree outside, and it moans through the fierce wind off the peaks. There is a small flower in a pot, and it is three days from dying. There is a lamp in an alcove, in a house on a mountain, and a hand that reaches. out and turns it off. There is a car on a road to the mountain. There is a mind, dreaming that this time

their reunion will go differently. There is a hand on a steering wheel and it trembles. There is a foot upon a gas pedal and it wants to ease up to turn around. to accelerate toward anything but a house on a mountain. There is an eyelash upon an eyelid, upon an eye, upon a skull, upon a lifetime of doubt. There is a tree across part of the road. And maybe that could be an excuse, but no, the hand upon the wheel turns, and finds the narrow way through and continues on

toward the house on a mountain there is a crack in the wall there is a twinge in your heart there is someone

coming but don't worry there is also someone going. This has been traffic. I am being told by a multitude of disembodied mouths that appeared in my office and began warbling in a sing-songy chant that the great golden hair is only minutes away from covering the entire area.

If you have not already sought shelter, now would be the time to regret screwing up so badly on such an important day. Remember to not look directly at the great gold hand. The great gold hand should not be mixed with alcohol or other medications without advice from your doctor. Unfortunately, the great going hand has taken all the doctors. Also all life insurance adjusters and all dog walkers. If you notice sparks, that is part of the process. If you feel a fission, that is also part of the process. If you see the color green, That is not part of the process and you should panic.

The process will protect us. The great golden hand will protect us. Long live the hand. Meanwhile, just a brief notice before we're overtaken by the hand. It seems that, oh, this is interesting, that the family of Frank Chen has filed a missing person's report with the sheriff's secret police. Now, you might remember that Frank Chen. dead body was found several years ago, covered in claw marks and burns, and we all assumed he was dead. But then he was seen around town, driving his pickup truck, and now he looked

like a five-headed dragon. Sure, he looked completely different, but the dragon had a New Jersey driver's license indicating that he indeed was Frank Chen. And so that was the day it was proven to us that the dead can come back to life looking completely different. Anyway, the Chen family says that Frank was driving out from the east coast to see his brother and disappeared somewhere between Oklahoma and Los Angeles. It took them several years to find Nightvale, although our recent change back to a normal timeline has at least put us a little more in sync with the rest of the country. The Chen family is unsure what a sheriff's secret police is, nor what is so secret about them if they drive around in clearly labeled cars, but they will

would appreciate any help at all in finding their long-lost Frank. Come to think of it. I haven't seen Frank since the day that hire McDaniels the five, oh, sorry, four-headed dragon left Nightvale. Where did Frank go? If you have any information, tell a bird. Birds are real loudmouths, and the info will be all over town in no time. And now for the community calendar. This Friday, Martin, McCaffrey is presenting an art show in the grain silo out back from the old Cooper Farm. The silo will be kept in absolute darkness, and each viewer will be shoved into the abandoned tower all alone. They will not be able to see anything except the dancing light that lives in their

eyelids, but they will know that they are with art. That art is indeed there, just beyond their fingertips in the darkness watching them. Suggested to a donation is $5, as in Martin suggests you donate that or you won't be able to get in. Saturday morning, we're getting towards the end of the summer softball league, and once again, we have the annual grudge match between Steve Carlsberg's Happy Hyenas and Susan Wilman's bad at softball losers. Not their real team name, but the name was kind of forgettable, and I think this one is more catchy. Oh, Susan Wilman.

around in that Prius she bought after her mini-cuber was filled with jellyfish and then toad. See you on Saturday morning, where we will, I assume, be cheering on my wonderful brother-in-law Steve. Sunday, Leopold Tuesday has called for a community meeting. Leopold is the former CEO of the former serial company Flakey O's, until both were acquired in a hostile takeover by Kellogg's. Leopold was last seen being pulled into a van by Kellogg's executives. but he has returned. His face is gaunt, and it appears he has aged several decades or perhaps a few very stressful years. Here is a cape and one thick leather glove.

The topic of the community meeting is the labyrinth that lays just beyond human sight, and the harbingers of that labyrinth who drive vans full of wooden crates. He also wants to discuss parking for the antiques fair, which he feels has gotten out of hand on Grove Street. Monday is a fun dinosaur presentation from local dinosaur expert, Joel Eisenberg. This is part of the Applebee's Visiting Experts Program that invites local scholars to share their knowledge, and also prices jalapeno poppers at an irresistible 399 for 12. Wow, with a deal like that, I can't wait to learn more about those big spitty lizards, or whatever they were.

Tuesday is the day you've been waiting for. Yes, you could have achieved your dreams earlier, but it always seemed easier to plan to do them someday. Well, Tuesday is that day. And now it's time to finally buckle down and get those dreams going. I wouldn't delay because it seems that Wednesday is the day you die. So stay positive and get it done quickly. And finally, next Thursday, the Night Vale Municipal Fire Authority is holding a mandatory fire drill.

When you hear the siren, burn as many things as you can. This has been the Community Calendar. Oh, oh, I see it. I see it. It is here. Ah, it is above me. The... Savouré

Via Rae. Part 1. In which the rabbits get their way. Before there were buildings, there were hills. In the hills, there were rabbits. All they wanted from life was food,

a bit of sunshine, and to multiply across the land. And so they did. Most stories are happy. If you end them at the right time. Part 2, in which we approach. Ah, to see us then, when we were moving toward the west, or else toward the east, or else south or north, but it wasn't the direction.

It was the momentum of it. We put ourselves out there, made ourselves available for now, new opportunities. And never mind the drawbacks. And never mind who gets hurt. That's a problem for who comes next. We are here so we can get there. And there's just nothing else to worry about.

But the getting. Part 3. In which comes the kingdom. Great and great hall. A crowd looking up. and a king a time to be alive. What a terrible time to be dead. How much the dead are missing out on. Death is stupid. And we must only celebrate life. Those who are gone are gone and it's probably their fault anyway. We are alive because of our wits and because we are naturally inclined to be

alive. We murmur and how beautiful our king is. Part 4. In which all is thought lost. But then we weren't who we used to be, but we also

weren't who we would be next either. There was this awful in between. We had to stay in it for so our king grew tired on his throne. We all Part the last, in which we are each born anew.

After there were the buildings. There were the hills, in the hills, lived. And we lived there too. All we wanted was food, a bit of sunshine, and to multiply across the land, and so we did. Most stories are happy if you wait long enough. The grids The grue takes.

Stay tuned next for a slow drifting toward what we've always wanted, interrupted by the constant distraction of what seems easiest, and from one disciple of the to another. Good night. Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dysperition.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion. info or at dispersion.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Drones by Epicenter. Find out more at epicentermeddle.bancamp.com.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio or explain why technically every bird you can't identify is a UFO. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information about our upcoming live tours this

September and November. And the first ever live performance of our sister podcast, start with this in Boston in October. Today's proverb, the universe contains, among other things, black holes, vast clouds of gas and light, endless void, a diamond planet, and your tiny body. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators, who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tibank. of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, and if I know you, and I do,

you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience, engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.