Welcome to Night Vale - 153 - The Heist, Part 1

Episode Date: September 1, 2019

There's a bank robbery at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Weather: “My Friend” by Dominique Chantel Worthing with Barrett Ward https://soundcloud.com/dominique-worthing Our fall tour of A SPY IN THE DESERT starts on September 6th! Check out the full list of dates, including our newly added show in Kelowna, BC, and get your tickets today: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Within the Wires returns for Season 4 on September 10th. Stay tuned after the credits to hear the trailer: http://withinthewires.com Brand new on our store – leggings covered in spiders and eyes: https://topatoco.com/products/cpb-wtnv-spider-leggings Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio or Facebook. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news

that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th, so make sure you are still subscribed to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you

in Europe. And hey, thanks. It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-Fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules.

Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Constellations are fan art depicting ancient gods. Welcome to Nightvale. I've said many times that science is neat. But sometimes it is also messy. Carlos converted one of our guest rooms into a laboratory

so he can spend more time at home and get some needed renovations done on his laboratory downtown, which seemed like a great idea until I realized that it's impossible to contain chemical odors and stains from getting all over the rest of the house. Not only did acid eat through our new Egyptian tiled backslash, but also a petri dish grew feet and walked outside, only to walk back inside tracking mud all over my new hand-woven Switzian rug.

The last straw was when Carlos stained all of his shirt sleeves, not to mention his hands, and somehow even the quartz countertops a dull green, which completely threw off my kitchen color palette. I told Colos he had to stop, but he insisted he had made a major breakthrough in his doorless fridge invention. Cecil, this is so exciting, he said, bouncing up and down like a child who wants a toy or needs to pee. The problem with the refrigerators is the door. In order to put food in or take food out, you have to open the door,

and that's totally bad because it lets all the cool air out, raising the temperature. of the other food inside. I told him that's not that big of a problem, but his face darkened and he said, baking is an exact science, Cecil. If the butter is off by a couple of degrees, my quassants are ruined. I understood,

but I asked that he find another place to conduct that particular experiment. He's turning everything in our home a dull green, including his own skin. Fortunately, my sister Abby and her husband, Steve Carlsberg, just bought a new house. Ever since his promotion to vice president of the Last Bank of Nightvale, Steve has been saving up to buy a larger home for his family, one with a yard for dogs,

no stairs and wider doors for his daughter Janice's wheelchair, and even his own man cave, where he can raise bats and cultivate rare crystals. and they finally closed on their dream home this summer. They bought Janice a car too, complete with accessible hand controls, a state-of-the-art sound system, and a moon roof that closes automatically at night

so you never have to see that awful moon. Anyway, there is also a giant, empty storage shed out back of their new home, and Steve and Abby told Carlos he could work in the shed until his laboratory downtown is ready to use again. So far, it sounds like everything is working out fine for Carlos, although he did accidentally leave a large green handprint on Janice's new car. The good news is, she thought it looked really cool, so she decided to leave it. Listeners, I'm getting word that there's a robbery taking place in downtown Nightvale. Three people have entered the last bank of Nightvale and are demanding money from the tellers.

The robbers are wearing masks of former U.S. presidents, Richard Dixon. William Henry Harrison and Emma Goldman. The sheriff's secret police, as well as the sheriff's overt police, are on the scene. But the perpetrators have begun to take hostages and the police are trying to negotiate. The robbers have not stated any demands yet, so the police are left to guess what they want. One officer suggested giving them a million dollars, which was roundly accepted by the fellow officers as a great idea. Because, while human lives cannot be distilled down to a... monetary value, a million dollars is pretty cool. But this idea was shot down by Sheriff Sam,

who pointed out that the department does not have a million dollars. What if we got them a puppy? Another officer offered up. My Bassett just had a litter and I thought we'd be able to sell them, but it's definitely a buyer's market out there for hounds. The officer continued. Anyway, I've got a brown one with white spots and two white ones with brown spots. I've made them chutney, footstool, and Bob Ross. Footstool is the runt, let's give the robber's footstool. We're not giving them puppies, Sheriff Sam shouted. Ooh, what about an Applebee's gift card? Another officer said, worth a million dollars. Or a coupon book for free favors, another said, like repainting the guest room or raking leaves or, oh wait,

we're the police, right? A free crime day. They could use that coupon today, and we don't have to arrest them and file all the paperwork and the hostages get to go free. We could even have a coupon for a 15-minute back-rob. All of the officers clapped for this idea, not just a win-win, but a win-win-win-win for the hostages, the robbers, and the police. All except Sheriff Sam, who silenced them all with a loud whistle. More like a pan flute. Really? It's an enchanted whistle that causes vocal cords to stop working. We are police. The sheriff scolded. it is clearly stated in our oath of office to never give back rubs to bank robbers.

They then set to work trying to devise a plan to stop the robbery and free the hostages in the bank. Oh dear, listeners, I was just talking about my brother-in-law Steve, and here comes this terrible news. I have no further information about Steve's condition right now, nor the other citizens who are being held at gunpoint inside the bank. I will update you as events progress. In the meantime, let's go to sports. The Nightfell High School Scorpions opened their season this Friday against the whispering forest wood dogs. Scorpions head coach Latrice Beaumont said this will be a tough matchup. The wood dogs, a team entirely comprised of trees, are roundly regarded as one of the toughest defenses in the state,

with their tactic of whispering compliments to opposing players until those players themselves turn into trees. Last season, Whispering Forrest dealt Nightville its only loss, as nine of the Scorpions, starting offensive players, including quarterback Junius Duncan, were won over by the Wood Dog's pleasant cooing. By the end of the game, the field was covered in trees, many of them former Nightville High School student athletes, and Whispering Forrest snuck out with a three-to-nothing win on the late field goal. That was somehow kicked by a tree.

Coach Beaumont said she plans to give her players earplugs to help dampen the whispers from the Wooddog's defense. She also has uglied up the Scorpions uniforms, adding mustard yellow and hot pink Argyle atop the dark purple jerseys, hoping that the arboreal defenders will find little good to say. The Scorpions are starting a new quarterback this season, sophomore phenom Julie Dobbs, who won the job because of her prophetic dreams. Her slumbering subconscious is able to see the future, most notably other teams' defensive strategies. She also uses her dream journals to develop a nearly unstoppable offensive game plan. She also owns her own football, which was a huge plus for the coaches.

Good luck this weekend, Scorpions. We're pulling for you. I now have the names of the hostages being held at the last Bank of Night Vale. Jesse McNeil, a security guard who has worked at the bank for nearly 50 years. Oh, Jesse, what a sweet old man. He says hi to me every time I go there, always has a smile and a compliment. Why, just the other day, he said to me, heard you on the radio, Cecil, and I was beaming with pride. Another hostage, bank teller Genevieve Daily, who started at the bank this week.

Oh, Genevieve, what a tough break. Just know that we're pulling for you. Bank customer and local dinosaur expert Joel Eisenberg. Oh, Joel, I know Joel. He's such a smart guy. And the last of the hostages, staff supervisor of the bank, Susan Wilman. Okay, well, tough. Unfortunately, after several grueling minutes,

negotiations between the sheriff and the robbers have broken down. So the police have decided that the only way to break the stalemate is with physical force. While this makes sense in chess, I don't know. if this is such a good idea for hostage negotiations, listeners, but the police have advanced into the building to engage the thieves directly. Witnesses reported hearing several gunshots, but they said the noises could also be fireworks, part of the day-long celebration of Lee Marvin's 31st birthday, which was back in June. Oh, happy late birthday, Mr. Marvin. You don't look a day over 30. We cannot see inside the bank, and no one has emerged yet. I will have to report to

back later as soon as I have... Oh, no, wait, wait. I'm being told that the bank is on fire now. The west wall of the bank is engulfed in flames, and the Nightville Fire Department is already on the scene. They are shouting at the fire to stop being such a nuisance, but the fire does not appear to be listening. Oh, this isn't good.

And even more frightening for me, I did not see Steve Carlsberg's name on the list of hostages. Abby told me he was at work today, but why was he not taken hostage? I can only hope he had gone to lunch when the robbery began. Steve, if you hear this and you're at lunch, don't go back to work. It's on fire. I feel so powerless.

All I can do is hope and bring you the weather. But I can't think what to say. My friend, dismiss. But I don't know. Wake up. But all I want to do, my friend, I'll never. This episode is. is brought to you by Nespresso.

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It's exceptional but effortless. Like actually effortless. Simply press, brew, and explore. Nispresso, what else? Keep exploring at nespresso.com. First, the good news. The hostages have been freed. Inside the bank, the police drew their weapons on the robbers, but could not get off a clean shot

because of the hostages blocking their line of fire. The robbers fired back, forcing the police to retreat behind a coin star machine and a full-size promotional cardboard cutout, featuring a hooded man, his jagged smile just barely visible in shadow, holding a raw slab of red meat, with the bold text below him, reading, great mortgage rates are inside of you. But the second wave of officers blocked the thieves escape from the front entrance. Then, and Sheriff Sam did not see how this happened, but a fire began in the bank lobby. It spread quickly and the room filled with smoke. In the confusion, the hostages broke free from their captors and the robbers ran from the police.

Fire engines sprayed water and broadcasted loud admonishments at the fire to knock it off already. Susan, Joel, Genevieve, and Jesse ran out into the street covering their faces choking on the black air. As Jesse emerged, his 75-year-old body was knocked backwards by one of the fire engines' hoses. Jesse was soaked head to foot. The firefighters apologized, but Jesse merely brushed himself off and then generously compliment their work by saying, I see you're fighting a fire. What a gentleman. The three perpetrators of the bank robbery also fled through the front of the building, but the police quickly halted and arrested them. As the fire finally subsided, amidst the damp,

charred masonry and broken glass, came another figure. Steve Carlsberg emerged from the bank, sweating and limping, but safe. An ambulance arrived to take the survivors to the hospital, but they all declined, except Steve, who had a broken foot, and gladly took the EMTs up on their offer. The bank robbers were transported to the abandoned mine shaft outside of town for questioning. It's an open and shut case. The bad people lose and the good people win, and every single person, even the people who own Applebee's, is glad no one had to purchase a $1 million Applebee's gift card. My brother-in-law is safe.

as are his employees and customers. No one died and not a single dollar was taken from the bank registers at the front counter, nor the ATMs, nor the coin star. Even the fire didn't damage those bills. That was the good news. The bad news. As the police did a final sweep of the bank searching for anyone else inside, whether they be customers or criminals,

they reached the bank's vault in the back of the building. Before he left for the hospital, the police asked Steve Carlsberg to open the vault for them. We're sure everything's fine, they said. It's routine in a bank robbery. They said, I understand, Steve said. He opened the vault, they looked inside, and they saw nothing. Millions of dollars in bills and gold were gone. Sheriff Sam said there's a conspiracy here and they're going to really put the screws to the people they arrested. No HBO until they explain where the money from the vault is, the sheriff declared, and that's a big deal because a black lady sketch show just premiered last month and it is crazy good. The sheriff said they have no clues yet as to where the money in the vault went,

but they did discover the robber's names are Richard, William, and Emma, which is interesting because those are the names of the presidents whose masks they wore. I don't think that's a coincidence, the sheriff said confidently. The bank lost a great deal of money today and some innocent people lost their sense of comfort, but we are all still alive. At least those in this story are, and I'm so happy to know my brother-in-law is safe, as are Jesse and Joel and Genevieve, whom I've never even met.

I'm glad those specific people are okay, as well as anyone else, who was taken hostage today. Stay tuned next for an unedited recording from two years ago of you, talking to a kitten. You sound ridiculous. Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Dysperition.

All of it can be found at Dissporition. info or at Disparition.com. fission.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was my friend by Dominique Chantelle Worthing with Barrett Ward. Find out more at soundcloud.com slash Dominique Worthing. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio or say something uplifting to your pet. Check out Welcome to Nightfield.com for more information about our upcoming live tours this month and November. And the first ever live performance. of our sister podcast, start with this. In Boston, this October.

Today's proverb, don't go-writing metaphors. Please stick to the similes and literal descriptions that you're used to. My friends, my family, my cradle. I believe there is an expectation when one has been living in comparative isolation to be seduced by wordliness when given the opportunity, to see a life that has been denied you or that you have denied yourself,

and deem it better than the life you have. I find the opposite is true. I have never been more convinced of the importance of our work within the cradle. Family, my friends, truly is everything. Think of your children. Think of the indescribable joy of the first time you held them, the unshakable bond you share with them. Think of the trust your children having you.

The way they run to you when they're afraid? The tiny joys and sorrows they share with you. Think of the terrible beasts hiding in the forest that wish to take them from you. Not serpents in lakes or whispering figures behind the trees, but uniformed sentinels of the new society. They do not want us to be free. They do not want us to squirm from their grip.

I have been inside their institutions, seen their ways, and they will not stop until they have devoured us, swallowed our children. The woods in Hedmark are dark, and shadows can hide hungry predators. Before the Great Reckoning, families raised children, drew together in communities, in tribes and in nations of shared ideas, giving of themselves for each other. We nourished the land and it nourished. We fed our babies and as we grew old they fed us.

We protected our neighbors and they protected us. This has all been lost in most of the world. It is our duty and privilege to preserve it, to preserve family. There will come a time when the world realizes its mistake and we will be ready for that time. There will come a time when we are called upon to be a beacon and we will be ready for that. I will do my part to keep us safe.

I'm only one woman, one mother, one root of this fruitful tree. Pour everything you have into the cradle, into our community. For we must and we will survive. For the future happiness of the world, we must flourish so we can show us. the society the way when our time comes. The millennium is upon us and we will be the first to greet it. Thank you for listening to our 2019 trailer. Episodes 1 and 2 of Within the Wires Season 4, The Cradle, debut on Tuesday, September 10th, with new episodes every two weeks through December 31st.

Within the Wires is written by Jeffrey Kramer and Janina Matthewson and performed this season by Mona Grena, original music by Mary Epworth. Find more of Mary's music at Maryepworth.com. Within the Wires is a production of Nightvale Presents, and special thanks this season to Osteen-Olsberg Braga and Philip Thorne of the Amelia Project, as well as Christian Björga and Nima Bamri of Nitro Studio in Oslo. Find more information on Within theWires and support our Patreon at Within TheWires.com. Patrons get excellent benefits like bonus episodes, fake ads, video chats, and behind-the-scenes stories. We cannot wait to share Season 4 with you soon.

Thanks again for listening. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators, who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you

to listen to now with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.