Welcome to Night Vale - 154 - The Heist, Part 2

Episode Date: September 15, 2019

A new twist in the bank robbery case. Weather: “Only One Star” by Ann https://soundcloud.com/carlitta-ann The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin. The latest Night Vale novel, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home is coming March 2020. Pre-order it now! welcometonightvale.com/books/ Our September tour of A SPY IN THE DESERT wraps up this week! Check out the full list of dates, and get your tickets today: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio or Facebook. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store,

click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks. The sun. You have been to the Milky Way galaxy. You have seen the moon. You are an astronaut. Welcome to Night Vale. The Sheriff's Secret Police announced today that they have no new leads into the ongoing investigation of the robbery at the last bank of Night Vale.

The three people who stormed into the bank held the staff and single customer at gunpoint, but did not at first even ask for any cash from the first. register's drawers. And yet, in only a few minutes, and with no damage to or forced entry into the vault, they had managed to steal millions of dollars from it. Sheriff Sam described the details of the robbery as follows. The robbers entered the bank, repeatedly shouting, this is a robbery, and waving their guns around. After a minute or so, Teller, Genevieve Daly finally asked, Do you want me to give you money? Um, yes, the robbers decided, we want you to give us money.

How much money? Genevieve asked. How much do you have? The robbers replied. Genevieve then had to count the money in her till, which took a while because bank protocol requires that tellers count the money multiple times until the total amount matches twice in a row. But on her second count, Genevieve was $2 off from her first, so she had to start over. Hang on, she told the masked intruders, Gotta do it again. No worries, the robbers said, truly looking like they were not worried.

Customer, Joel Eisenberg, who had dropped face down on the floor the moment guns were drawn, immediately handed over his wallet to the robbers. What's this for? The robbers asked Joel. Your robbers, aren't you? Joel said, careful not to look directly into their eyes. I'm giving you my money.

not trouble. Cool, cool, the robber said without looking in the wallet. Genevieve's manager, Susan Wilman, stood behind her new employee nervously explaining to the thieves, I don't have access to the vault. I don't know the combination. That's fine, the robber said. The security guard on duty that day and every day for the last 50 years was Jesse McNeil.

Jesse does not carry a gun so he couldn't intervene, but he has always been known. for his friendly charm and grace. He tried the old, Kill Them with Kindness approach by complimenting the fine work the robbers were doing. I understand.

You're robbing our bank, Jesse said. The robbers cooed and said, what a nice thing to say, old man, thank you. You can't tell because we are wearing plastic masks of former U.S. presidents, said the robber with the face of Richard Nixon, but we are blushing, kind, sir. Within minutes,

the sheriff's secret police had arrived. Who called the police? The robbers asked, but without urgency, as if it was the first table read of a pilot TV script. I did not, Susan and Genevieve said at the same time. I left my phone in my car, Joel said from the floor. I am sitting in a chair by the door, Jesse said, and the robbers gaffawed at the audacity of this old man,

so highly complimenting himself. Well, we have to take hostage. now, the robbers said, and soon the police had entered the bank. There was a brief shootout with no injuries, and the robbers were apprehended and the hostages freed shortly thereafter. There was also a fire that engulfed the front of the bank, which helped their efforts to arrest the perpetrators, but police do not understand how it started. They believed it was a diversion during which time the criminals were able to empty the vault,

But they have no leads yet on where this money was taken or how they got into the vault. The only other person in the bank that day was Vice President Steve Karlsberg, who was not taken hostage because he had accidentally locked himself in his office. Oh, Steve. Steve said he eventually kicked his door open, breaking his foot in the process. Oh, Steve. He got free, but only after the criminals had been arrested and the fire extinguished. None of the three robbers is talking to the police, even after their HBO privileges were taken away from them.

So the sheriff is asking anyone in Nightville with information about this heist to contact them immediately. You can do this by calling the sheriff's secret police secret tip line, which can be reached by just speaking aloud. They are one of the several organizations that have universal access to your phone's mic and camera. I talked to Carlos today. He's been running his experiments over at my sister Abby's new house and an old storage shed out back because while his laboratory is under renovations and he was making such a huge mess over here with all of his chemicals staining everything. Abby is, of course, married to Steve Carlsberg,

who is home from the hospital with a cast on his foot. Carlos told me Steve is fine. He is having a hard time adjusting to crutches and he's still shaking. by the whole experience, but he's focused on rebuilding the bank and getting everyone back to work. He's been inviting his employees over for lunch this week to keep everyone on task for reopening the bank and to treat them to his famous medium-rare rosemary chicken recipe. Carlos said he had met Susan Wilman several times before. She's delightful, Carlos said, which I'm sure I misheard.

He's also met Jesse before too. Oh, he's always over there. Real nice guy, Carlos said. He once told me, you're a scientist, and it was the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me. So, I showed him my lab and just talked his ear off about my doorless fridge project. Jesse got so excited he had to leave after only 15 minutes. Carlos said that since the robbery, though, Jesse has not looked as cheerful or healthy. Jesse looks sick, like he's nauseated. Carlos said he joined the crew for lunch today and cheered them all up with funny stories about science,

but he's taking a break from his experiments and should be home early today. Carlos ran out of the chemicals he needed to continue his work and has to wait a few more days to get more. I thought I had plenty of it, Carlos said. I calculated exactly how much I needed, but it wasn't near enough. Well, this is why I studied science instead of math. Anyway, Steve's going to be fine. Carlos said, I love you. And I said, I love you too. You might think that last part wasn't necessary for the news story, but it was. Love is the most important news story. The sheriff's secret police

have announced a breakthrough in their bank robbery investigation. They've been interviewing witnesses and combing through their notes and evidence, and they think they have figured out exactly what happened at the bank. They are planning a full report later today. They had the report ready to go now, but right when they started the press conference, they realized that they probably should make an arrest first. And also because in their excitement to make this announcement, every single person on the police force showed up, leaving the abandoned mine shaft where they keep prisoners unattended, which is probably fine because the cells are all completely locked, but wow, you never know, right? Better safe than sorry.

Who we, the representative from the secret police said, We really should go check on that jail. My bad. And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by Budweiser. Have you ever wondered about that house at the end of your street? The one with the windows boarded up? The one that does not ever receive sunshine?

The one with the incongruous Victorian architecture in your otherwise ranch-style tract home suburb? Have you ever dared your friends to spend the night in that house? And they did it? Because they don't like being called weak. And then they reemerged the next day completely normal as if nothing had happened. Only something did happen? Like, you couldn't tell it first because your friend was like,

it was just a house totally boring, but you started noticing weird things in their behavior. Like when they suddenly were fluent in Romanian and they would whisper it to someone you could not see? And then there was that time your friend laughed for ten straight minutes, and you did not know why, never learned why, and when they finished laughing, all of the trees in your neighborhood were dead? Well, we here at Budweiser know exactly what made your friend laugh,

and we know what happened in the house that night. And someday, you will know it, but not today. No, not today. Budweiser, be glad today is not the day. The bank robbery earlier this month has understandably shaken customer confidence. So, Vice President of the Last Bank of Nightvale, Steve Carlsberg, has called a press conference to address public concerns over the security of their bank accounts and investments. Here's Steve's statement. First, I want to say thank you to all of my valiant and valuable.

employees. They face down danger and without their bravery we might all be much less fortunate. To Susan Wilman, my dear friend, thank you for your leadership under such duress. To Genevieve, our newest employee, you deserve the quickest raise we've ever given out, and I promise it won't always be like this. And to Jesse, you've protected our bank for nearly 50 years and you're training five finally paid off. Thank you for your service to our safety. And Joel Eisenberg, our lone customer who stared down those monsters and did not give an

inch. To you, I say thank you. I want the people of Nightvale and the customers of the last bank to know that we have your security in mind. We are cooperating with the secret police. And while this crime is not completely resolved, no customer has lost a single dollar of their savings. We are well insured and I guarantee you for the Sheriff's Secret Police returned to finish their announcement from earlier.

Wait, I'm not done yet. Seeing that Steve had claimed the podium in their disorganized absence, the secret police had to stand at the back of the room and wait impatiently. Their feet tapping, arms folded, each of them exhaling deeply and intermittently. One of them groaning aloud, is he done yet? Ugh. Okay. One of them staring, demonstraint. I'll find up for this time slot at the podium, and no one was here when I arrived, so I'd like to finish. Are we good? Okay. Fantastic.

So, uh, where was I? Oh, I was trapped in my office. I regret that I was not standing with my brave staff during this terrible event, but, see, I think someone barred my door to prevent me from coming out there and really letting those robbers have it. I'm a nice guy, but not when my family is in danger. and these people Genevieve, Susan, Jesse, they are my family.

Joel and every other bank customer is my family, and I would do anything, anything to protect them if they were threatened. Just then, the secret police, did you know that a group of police officers is called an obstinacy of cops? March to the podium, declaring, four o'clock, your time's up.

Two officers grabbed the mic shouting dibs, simultaneously and then had to play rock paper water torture to see who got to speak. Hey, hey watch it, buddy. I mean officer, sorry. The police then announced they had, in fact, left all of the cells at the abandoned mine shaft locked earlier today. But somehow, the three bank robbers escaped. Their cell was still locked and no tunnels or holes were found, yet the three were completely gone. Dang it, the police spokesperson said. The The important thing is we tried our best. Anyway, they continued, we're proud to say that we have made an important breakthrough in the

bank heist case. We have made a new arrest of the person we believe responsible for the theft at the last bank of Nightvale. The police then turned to Steve Carlsberg and said, we have arrested our prime suspect in this conspiracy, Steve Carlsberg. The police handcuffed Steve. Oh, Steve. And led him outside to the back of a squad car.

Listeners, I wish I could tell you I'm happy to hear that the police think they have solved this bank robbery, but I cannot tell you that. This is not right. Steve would never. While I sit with my feelings, you will sit with the weather. Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is important. possible, but it's also real.

Sci-fi vision comes with the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Sheriff Sam talked to reporters. These reporters were confused and angry, upset that such a good man, their brother-in-law, in fact, could be confused for a master criminal. The sheriff said the robbery of the bank vault required inside knowledge,

someone who worked at the bank, someone who knew the combination of the vault, and could get the money without any damage to the vaults, walls or door. Steve is the only employee present who knew the combination. The frustrated, enraged reporters, then asked what happened to the money. If Steve stole the money, as they said, surely the police must have recovered it. Sheriff Sam said it is clear the money has been spent on luxury. The suspect, Steve Cosberg, bought a brand new house with a storage shed even, the most obvious symbol of opulence. But he closed on that house weeks ago, the infuriated reporter stated, how could he have paid for something before he had the money?

The sheriff then held up a life-size promotional cardboard cutout featuring the text, great mortgage rates are inside of you. The sheriff said he used something called a mortgage, an elaborate financial scheme where you don't have to pay until later, a brilliant and evil ploy for bank robbers. Mortgages are normal. I have a mortgage. The displeased reporters responded, Maybe you'll be arrested next, the sheriff spat.

Also, Steve Carlsberg bought a fancy car for his daughter. He even upgraded the vehicle with hand controls for braking and acceleration. We could tell right there he was flaunting his stolen wealth. She's in a wheelchair, the disgusted reporters snapped back. Those controls are necessary and standard. The sheriff shrugged and said, You say tomato, I say criminal. And with that, they stepped away, smug in their arrest of this innocent man.

I didn't know what to do. So I called Carlos. He said he was coming home early today, but I hadn't seen him yet. He didn't answer his phone, so I called my sister Abby. She was understandably upset about her husband's arrest. I told her I would do everything in my power as an investigative journalist to vindicate Steve,

even if it means starting a podcast. She sighed and said, I know. When I asked if Carlos was still at her house, she said he's gone. Oh, good. I'll see him soon then. I replied. No, Abby said, you won't.

The police were just here questioning me and Janice. Then they took Carlos with them to the station. They said they're not done with their investigation. Listeners, stay tuned next for a song and language you have never heard, written in a key, not on any scale, played in a time signature that changes with each measure. Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dyspiration. All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was only one star by Anne. Find out more at soundcloud.com slash Carlita dash Anne. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to Nightveil and follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio or eat food grown by local farmers because it's better

for everyone. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information about the, oh God, our new novel, we have a new novel, we are so excited about this one. That's probably not how they wanted me to read that, but I'm excited about it. Today's proverb, the gum you like is out of style again. Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre. Join me, Jeffrey Kraner and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number Nine, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcast. Boo.