Welcome to Night Vale - 156 - The Trouble with Time

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

Everyone in town is scared of aging now that time works normally. But one newcomer claims to have the answer. Weather: “Revolution Lover” by Left At London http://leftatlondon.com Become a Night Vale Scout today to help us keep making this show and to get cool exclusive rewards, like bonus episodes and a bloody Intern t-shirt: https://www.patreon.com/welcometonightvale Don’t miss the final performances of A SPY IN THE DESERT in just two weeks Check out the full list of dates and get your tickets today: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio or Facebook. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony

talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have random horror number nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the way. worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Tis better to have loved and lost than to be slowly eaten while still alive. There are, on

the whole, many things worse than having loved and lost. Welcome to Night Vale. Well, listeners, we have all been grappling with the same problem. Time has become normal in Nightvale, or as normal as time ever is. Time is pretty weird everywhere. As a result of this shift in our experience of time, none of us are remaining the same age for centuries anymore. We are aging. One year, per year, one month, per month, one single. one second per precious second.

Every moment that passes our skin is less supple. Our mind is less pliant. Our joints ache just a little more. The entire town is in an uproar as we are all coming to terms with the idea of getting older. The gym memberships have soared. Everyone is talking at the same time and they're all recommending green juice diets. to each other. The city council has tried to make aging illegal, but it turns out this would be unconstitutional as the Supreme Court decided that slow deterioration of the mind and body

is an American right. I myself am not immune to these worries when I think about what my life would be like after Carlos or what his life would be like after me. These are the kinds of fears that can't be shaken off by the light of day, even after all the shadows of evening have faded. Is love a gift in a finite world? I'd like to think so, but oh, my stomach is in knots. I'm sure yours is too. And now a word from our sponsors. Afraid of aging?

Terrified of the tides of time? Spooked by the sequential nature of existence? Stop looking at the calendar and moaning. Sure, it may be cathartic to start every morning by picking up your alarm clock and shouting, You are a murderer? Your numbers are murder weapons. I am the murder victim. But it's not helping you out.

Instead, try lotion. Just lotion those limbs. Locian that face. Got any other parts? Locian their. them too. Rubbing lotion on yourself won't stop time. It won't end the inevitability of death, but when you die, you will be silky smooth, and folks will whisper why it doesn't look like they've aged a single day. Buy lotion now, and we will send you a box of other things that will

not stop you from dying but will make you feel a little better on your way out the door, such as fish oil pills, a pair of running shoes, and books with titles like Get Happy Now, or else. Lotion. You can't stop aging, so settle on mitigating the surface appearance of aging. And this has been a word

from our sponsors. In a new press release, Nightville resident Leah Shapiro announces the Merriam-McDonald Memorial Fund. This fund, in honor of the recently deceased Merium, will be used to finally fulfill

Merriam's lifelong dream. A dream she did not live long enough to see come to fruition. The removal of all sand from the sand wastes. Merriam hated the sand, thought it looked frightfully untidy, and that it made a bad first impression for folks just coming to town. She could often be seen when she was alive out with her broom, dutifully sweeping the dunes into her dustpan and depositing the result into a black trash bag. Obviously, this was slow going, but Leah has vowed to continue Merriam's quest.

It's a stupid wish. A real dumb one, said Leah. I hate it. I hate it so much, but I don't know. It's what Merriam wanted. And so I feel obligated for some reason to keep after it. God, this sucks. Leah concluded. According to the press release, the Merriam McDonald Memorial Fund currently contains $3 and is not taking donations. Well, isn't that the feel-good story of the year? Good luck, Leah. I do hope you get rid of all that sand. Merriam was right. Sand is very untidy. And now for the Children's Fun Facts Science Corner. So today, we will be discussing how to tell whether something is a person.

Here are simple tests that can be done at home with whatever you find in your parents' cabinets when they don't know you're looking. Does it grow? It's a person. Does it bend? It's a person. Is it square or similar to a square? That's a person. Nodes or nodules? Person. A frank and enticing laugh.

Person. Can it hold liquid? Person. Is it a dog? Yep, that's a person too. That ooze at the back of your closet? Not a person. We don't know what that is.

Best not to touch it. Best not to think on it. perhaps it is the thinking that gives it its power. This has been the Children's Fun Facts Science Corner. In response to the current time is normal crisis, many companies are moving in to offer services to alleviate aging. Arby's is suggesting that a regular diet of roast beef has been shown to extend life expectancy by up to 20 years.

When they were asked who showed that and how they did so, So Arby's kind of mumbled and said that they would have those sources for us soon, but in the meantime, come on down and buy yourself a meal. A number of new gyms have opened up in town, promising advanced workouts that will keep the body and mind tip-top. There is an LA fitness, also a 26-hour fitness, which promises workouts at any time of day or night, plus two bonus hours every day that are only experienced by members. and local legend Louis Blasco has started what he calls a CrossFit gym, but it appears to be just the burned out remains of his old music store, untouched, since the night of the fire. Oh yeah, Louis said, you can really get a good workout in here. Believe me.

His eyes flicked back and forth nervously. A different angle is being taken by newcomer to town Casper Rhodes. Casper says that he has conquered the ultimate obstacle, death itself. He does this by freezing the brain upon death until it can be resuscitated by advanced technologies of the future. Cryogenics means never having to say I'm dead, Casper declared, whirling around the red cape he wears and wiggling his eyebrows. Oh yes, this is a completely real technology.

Once you die, we simply and safely remove your brain and freeze it in here. He indicated the disused grain silo on the edge of town. That thing is full of brains, he said, and each of those brains will be reanimated to a bright and beautiful future hundreds of years from now, and you can too, for a mere $10,000. Payable up front, no refunds offered. Suspicious journalist asked if they could take a peek in the grain silo and see if it was actually full of brains. but Mr. Rhodes blocked the door with his body. Uh, oh, uh, he said. Opening the door would mess up the freezing process.

Wouldn't want that to happen. You'll just have to trust us. Hmm. And now traffic. It's looking pretty clear on the roads right now. There isn't a single car to be seen. The parking lots are barren. The highways are mere doodles of the gods without the roaring machines that

give them purpose. Where did every car disappear to? We wonder this as we walk to work, walk to school, learning the limits and the capacity of our own legs, magnificent machines attached to our own bodies that we had long ago discounted, but now can only propel ourselves by the length of them. And then again, and again, one after another. The hours pass and we gradually pass through them. And where are the cars? Did they ever exist?

The factories where cars once were built are now full of robots with no purpose, arms ending in specialized tools and drills, all designed to construct a thing that no longer is the, there to be constructed. And so they bob and weave for nothing. In this way, perhaps, it could be said that they are dancing. To take purpose from a movement is to suggest the possibility of art within it that perhaps the movement could have meaning merely for itself, but I ask again, where are the cars? Where did they go? Every other four.

of transportation still exists. Planes still claw their way into the stratosphere, while boats wobble on churning seas, motorcycles even, given complete freedom of the highway tearing into the turns and straightaways at dangerous speeds, but no cars. Was it something we did? Is this our fault?

At least. There's no traffic, I guess. And we're all getting a little more time outdoors, which is nice. And, oh, the cars are back. All of them. All at once. Driverless and speeding. Well, it's nice to have them back.

This has been traffic. And now for corrections. In a previous editorial aired on this station, a reporter indicated his belief that peanut butter is a type of rock. That reporter sincerely believed, based on a half-remembered lesson from elementary school that he now realizes might have actually been a cartoon he watched, that peanut butter, along with sedimentary, metamorphic, and igneous was in fact one of the main types of rock. This reporter harbored no ill intent when he lectured for what may or may not have been two hours about his belief that peanut butter was a type of rock. This well-meaning reporter may have ignored several calls from his scientist husband who was trying to get through to correct this completely understandable mistake. But the reporter was on such a role that he didn't even notice the calls coming in, which could,

could happen to anyone. The reporter may have even printed up posters for local schools showing the types of rock, with peanut butter prominently included. If that is the case, these schools should feel free to return the erroneous posters, or keep them if they feel it may be in some way educational. In any case, the reporter in question regrets the error and now, admits that maybe peanut butter isn't a type of rock. Maybe that's true. Decide for yourself. This has been corrections. Casper Rhodes and his quality cryogenics corporation continue to advertise

their dubious service all over town. He has bought a billboard next to the waterfront recreation area declaring, a new life awaits you in the future. With a picture of a disembodied brain, that is somehow both smiling and giving a thumbs up, despite its lack of hands and mouth. The Quality Cryogenic Corporation strung a banner along the top of the disused grain silo on the edge of town, saying the name of the company, except the word quality has been misspelled,

as has corporation. Listeners, I am not one to editorialize, not after the recent peanut butter debacle we've heard so much about. But it does not seem to me that this Mr. Rhodes is on the up and up. Nothing about this strikes me as a scientific operation. And trust me, I know from scientific operations. Despite these warning signs, a few people have in fact taken them up on their offer, including weekday shift manager at the Ralph's Charlie Bear,

whose lifetime ambition of becoming a ghost has recently curdled into a frantic fear. of death. I thought we had eternity. Now every minute spent is a minute lost. Charlie said to me when I asked him if they had any more cilantro. So that was a bummer on my afternoon. I must warn everyone not to buy into this Casper charlatan's lies. Chirogenically freezing brains is not going to save you. In fact, it is time for me to bust this scam. Why? open, I will sneak into the disused grain silo and I will tell you what is inside. Then all of us will know the truth. As I head over there, let's all head over to the weather.

Even if heaven, if we stick together, maybe we'll become each other's guy. I know it's hard. It's going to change. I can feel they become. Okay, listeners, I'm... Hold on. This portable recording rig is just a little heavy. I have got to get back into my weight training.

I was deadlifting as much as 15 pounds and now look at me. Okay, I am looking up at the towering, disused grain silo on the edge of town. The silo that one Casper Rhodes would claim contains cryogenically frozen brains, destined to be reawakened in the future. Well, I'm sure Mr. Roads would claim, contains chryogenically frozen brains, destined to be reawakened in the future. Well, I'm sure, Mr. Rhodes, but allow me to just check in on it myself. The door to the silo is locked with a padlock and heavy chain. Fortunately, I don't go anywhere without my special reporter's welding torch.

It comes in handy more than you'd think. And off it goes. Another win for the First Amendment. Listeners, I am opening the heavy metal doors. And inside it is dark, even in this late afternoon sun, I am stepping in. My eyes are adjusting and... Oh, my God! Listeners!

Oh, my God! The tanks are full. Frozen, intact human brains, attached to various support equipment. It is all completely clean and seemingly running well. This isn't a scam. The great Casper Rhodes is telling the truth. Death is now voluntary. Aging is meaningless.

We will all see the future. We will all see the future. The future. Listeners, I must go. I must talk to my husband. We can be together forever, don't you see? A new world awaits us in the future. I must talk to Carlos.

I must. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disperition. Dot info or at disparition. com.

This episode's weather was Revolution Lover by Left at London. Find out more at left atlondon.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio. Or burrow into the sand and hibernate for a thousand years. Check out Welcome to Nightville.com for more information about our membership scout program. This is one of the main things that allows us to continue to make this show for all of you. Today's proverb

On one hand, you have skin On the other hand, you don't Oh man, what happened to that hand? Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 2026 And did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th,

and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Descentia. Spirition. These tours are so much fun and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.