Welcome to Night Vale - 157 - The Promise of Time

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

We're all going to live forever and there are no downsides or hidden consequences. The voice of Kasper Rhodes is Rob Neill. Weather: “Good Intentions, Bad Advice” by Nicky Flowers https://nickyflowers.bandcamp.com New for the holidays – a brand new tarot card deck by Jessica Hayworth and a new limited edition sweater by Rob Wilson, plus tree ornaments and cards: https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv Our final performances of A SPY IN THE DESERT are happening right now. Don’t miss your last chance to see this thrilling and hilarious live show: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. If it walks like a duck and sings like a duck and excretes slime like a duck, then it's a...

You know, I don't think that's a duck. Welcome to Nightvale. The future is here, listeners. The future is now. Dying has become a bad joke, and we wonder how we ever put up with it. The Quality Cryogenics Corporation, run by one Casper Rhodes, is offering a simple solution. They will remove your brain. Upon death, freeze it, and then,

revive you hundreds of years from now when the technology exists to live eternally. The town was recently traumatized by time working correctly and us all having to deal with aging. So this solution is exactly what we are looking for. And it only costs 10,000. In cash, no refunds. I am currently getting together the funds to purchase. this service for both myself and my husband Carlos because I believe that the two of us can live together forever. No more is there this awful time limit ticking down from the moment of our meeting

until the moment of our parting. Now our brains will sit snugly next to each other until we are awakened anew to a bright future. Carlos says he, He is a little unsure about this because he thinks that death is one of the most scientific processes of all. But he'll come around. We'll just talk about it. And he'll see it my way. After all, we have the rest of our lives.

And our lives will never end. Here's the news. Now that we all know we're going to get to live there, all any of us can talk about is the future. What is it going to be like? there be trees? Will we still have that insufferable moon? These are the questions we are all having to consider now that we will live forever. And one person is claiming to have those answers. A professional futurist and digital profit named Enzi has released a lengthy report outlining what the future

is like. Apparently skyscrapers will be twice as tall, but also twice as thin. Each floor will only hold about one medium room or three very small rooms, but also skyscrapers will have thousands of floors. The biggest revelation in Enzi's report is that, in the future, menial labor will be done by robots. Robots will wash our cars, clean our toilets, and cook our food, leaving us all the time in the world to quietly boil with existential dread. According to Enzi, these robots first entered the market in about 100 years. and then really catch on until everyone has three or four at their disposal. And also everyone is so, so bored.

Future sounds great. I can't wait to get there. This has been the news. Let's have a look at today's horoscopes. Leo, this is a fantastic month for new business plans, travel, meeting new people, and breaking out of the windowless prison cell you woke up in this morning. Good luck on all those exciting ventures. Virgo

I hope you are not too attached to your left hand. Either way, you won't be soon. Libra. You will walk out from your house. The sun will exchange to you even though you think perhaps it always looked like that. It will look like it always has, and it will look so strange. As you walk down the street, you will see a path you've never noticed before, leading away from the familiar into a dark and twisted wood.

You will follow this path, the warm dirt, softly crunching under your feet. At the end of the path, you will come to a small and cozy home. In the window will be a boy, and he will give you a sign. A hand to the side means it is safe to go on. A hand by the ear means the burrowers are hungry to night. A covered mouth means the time is nigh. You may proceed accordingly. Even the stars do not know what happens next.

Scorpio, you're a great brother-in-law, husband, father, and friend. And if it's up to me, and let's be honest, it is. The stars will never say another means. thing about you again. Sagittarius, you are really walking on thin ice here, buddy. No really, buddy, you are walking on thin ice. Buddy, look down. The ice is about to crack and the waters below are so cold and clear.

You have never seen anything so beautiful. Capricorn. You have spent your life searching for your soulmate. Finally, having given up on love, you will volunteer to board a star ship. destined to never return to our world, you will live out decades on that vast arc, developing close but platonic relationships with the few fellow humans that are with you. Finally, in your 83rd year, you will land on a planet that's surface will appear to be made entirely of silver.

You will step out onto that foreign terrain and waiting for you. will be an alien being made entirely of vapor, a wisp of a creature, whose droplets will curl around you, and you will smile and realize that you have finally found your soulmate. Aquarius, your lucky number is five, which is also how many days you have left. That's an auspicious coincidence. Pisces. Everyone knows your terrible secret.

and they think it's really boring. Aries. This just says spiders in increasingly large fonts for about seven pages. Oh, that's cute. Taurus. Turn your eyes to the heavens. Honestly, it's better not to see what's approaching from below.

Gemini. There will come a day in which you will have to go to the ocean. Who knows when that day will come? You might be hundreds of miles away from the ocean. You might be in an airplane or working on a farm, in Ottawa. But there will come a day in which you will have to go to the ocean, and so you will travel in whatever attire you were wearing when you were called, barefoot and groggy, walking day and night, until you will. you see the glitter of water, until you hear the hush of the waves, and then you will walk into the ocean until only your head is above the surface, and you will laugh and laugh and laugh.

And the ocean will laugh with you. But today is not that day. Who knows when it will come? And lastly, cancer. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. Everything is basically fine with you.

Yeah. You're good. Nothing to... This has been horoscopes. Demand has become so high for the services of the Quality Cryogenic Corporation that Casper Rhodes announced that he has run out of space for brains. Gotta stuff these head blobs somewhere, he said. But where to toss them?

City Council agreed that this is an important problem and immediately requisitioned large swaths of Nightvale real estate to serve as eventual brain storage locations. There are rumors that this move was made in exchange for free use of cryogenic services by the City Council. But the council vehemently denied the allegation and said to prove their innocence. They would arrest anyone who tried to say that they were guilty.

Initially, the public library was one of the buildings intended to be converted to brain storage, but a single librarian scuttled out from the front door and stood eye to eyes with the city council until the city council whimpered and backed down. At which point the librarian silently retreated, their deadly point made, their library safe. This is quite a change from when the only customer of Casper Rhodes was Charlie Bear, weekday shift manager at the Ralphs. Now, there are only a few people left in town who haven't signed up. I am a little ashamed to say that Carlos and I are one of those few.

It's taking me longer than I thought to scrape together the money. And Carlos still wants to talk about it more, but don't worry, we will definitely join you all in the future. I will see you there. Speaking of which, local futurist and digital profit, NZ, is giving a seminar on the future. But attendance is expected to be low. Frankly, people find Enzi's predictions a little silly. After all, what does this NZ know about the future that we don't?

All any of us know about the future is that someday we will end up there. And by the time we get there, it won't be the future. In any case, we expected more exciting predictions, frequent space travel, miracle cures to disease, and contact with more alien species than the three we know about in our primitive time. But Enzi just won't shut up about robots. And how much of the future is defined by robots serving us. hand and foot. Only three people showed up to Enzi Seminar, one of whom was your faithful reporter,

and one especially upset attendee, even through popcorn, and led a chant of, Boring! During the part about the robots. And I'm not sorry I did it either. It was very boring. The family of missing person, Frank Chen,

has filed a lawsuit against the city, declaring criminal negligence, in allowing a five-headed dragon to claim the identity of their one-headed human family member, merely because the dragon carried around Frank's ID. You were all monsters,

said Frank's sister, Lauren. Monsters! Monsters! She said this through a bullhorn as she drove her convertible up and down the city streets. But how could we have known? The city council fumed.

What? Are we supposed to look into every suspicious discipline? appearance in Nightfail? We only have 18 hands. We are doing the best we can. The lawsuit will start with a document review and depositions. Currently, they are seeking all records on the suspected killer of Frank Chen, won Hiram McDaniels, who has not been seen in town for a couple years now. They also want to interview friends of Hiram, including a radio host who wouldn't describe himself as a friend, more a dedicated observer.

And now a look at the stock market. Wee! Wow! This has been a look at the stock market. Now let's go over to... Hello? Oh, sorry, what are you doing in here? Listeners, the futurist NZ has entered the studio.

They are waving at me frantically and holding up signs. Let me just put on my reading glasses. Embarrassing, but I suppose we all eventually reached that age. I never thought I would, but now the time is working correct. And I have aged. Yes. Yes. No, I see you.

Pointing of the sign. Screaming, Enzi. Just give me a moment. Now, where did I put those glasses? It's in my pocket. Oh. Now there's some sort of metal man next to Enzi. Oh, yes, you have a sign.

Okay. All right. All right. Here's my glasses. Enzi's sign reads, I am not a futurist. I am from the future. A time traveler.

sent back to warn you all. And they're still pointing at the metalman. Oh, this is one of those robots that Enzi is always going on about. Enzi is saying that everything they told us about the robots was true, and they brought one just to prove it. Well, hi, robot! Oh, the robot has something to say. Oh, wait.

It's saying, I'm hardly a bear. Well, no, I'd say you're not. You're more of a robot. Oh, no, I misheard. They're saying, time car to pair. What? Enzi, I think your robot is malfunctioning. Wait.

No, it's saying, it's saying, I'm Charlie Bear. Charlie Bear? Well, he's the weekday shift manager of the Ralphs. This makes no sense. The robot is saying, again, I'm Charlie Bear. And then it is saying, help me. It is saying, help me over and over in a hollow digital moan. Listeners, uh, let's check in on the weather.

God told us everything. Once the robot was Charlie Bear, weekday shift manager at the Ralph's, and then a man named Casper Rhodes came to town. Casper offered the idea of living forever, freezing Charlie's brain after death so that he could wake up in the future once mortality was a bad dream. Once sickness was a memory, so Charlie signed it.

up. He took out his life savings plus a couple loans and paid the $10,000. And Charlie became the first customer of the Quality Cryogenic Corporation. Charlie was so happy. He is so happy. Somewhere in town, even while this robot tells us its story, Charlie is unaware and he is happy because Charlie believes he has defeated death. And Charlie will continue to be. continue to believe this for another 15 years until the unfortunate Whistlepig incident. And after that, his brain will be removed from his mangled corpse and will remain frozen for centuries in the grain silo outside of town. And then one day, Charlie will awaken.

It will be the future, as promised. And as promised, he will not be dead, but all will not be well. He will have awoken as a brain in a metal body chained to that body's programming. It will be explained to him that he was brought to the future by the quality cyborg corporation in order to take care of any errands or busy work needed while the humans of that future relax and watch him toil. You see, when we deny death and toss ourselves into the future, we do so with the strange delusion that the future feels it owes us life, that in the world of the future they would want nothing more than to devote time and money

into resurrecting each of us into eternal wellness. But the future does not feel any obligation to us at all. The past means only one thing to the future. The past is a resource. Every brain saved by. by Casper Rhodes is a resource. It is a trick. We are being used.

We must put a stop to this. We were all wrong trying to fight death this way. To put our trust in the future as though it would be anything but some other person's present? Carlos was right. I was wrong. Who is this, Casper Rhodes? And why is he doing this? Oh

Casper is calling into the station He must be calling to confess Or otherwise explain his crimes Casper, is that you? What have you done? What have you done? Hi there, Cecil. Was listening to your show

And really disappointed to hear what you were saying about me, buddy? But as the smiling God says, When your enemies try to bring you down Just smile wider and wider Until your smile eclips of the sun and then all other light in the universe. Believe in a smiling God, buddy. Believe in a smiling God.

Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Nightbale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Casper Rhodes is Rob Neal. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disperition. info or at dispirition.com. This episode's weather was Good Intentions, Bad Advice, by Nikki Flowers. Find out more at nickyflowers.bancamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com, or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio, or tell the sun that you will miss it during the night, but you understand why it needs to leave. Check out Welcome to Nightvell.com for all of the holiday gifts you could need for the weirdo in your life. Maybe that weirdo is even you. Today's proverb, as Dolly Parton said, Tumble out of bed and I stumbled to the kitchen, have to fight an evil magician, yawn and stretch and fight him for my life.

Wise words. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26 and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show.

Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveil.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.