Welcome to Night Vale - 159 - Cat Show

Episode Date: December 1, 2019

It’s time for the annual Cat Show. Weather: “Fuzzy Disco” by Talkie https://talkie.bandcamp.com Mara Wilson is reprising her role as the Faceless Old Woman for the audiobook version of our upcoming novel, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home! On-sale March 24, 2020 – pre-order today! http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books/ Don’t forget: the holidays are right around the corner. They are lurking just out of sight. Find weird and beautiful holiday gifts for the weird and beautiful people in your life at our store: https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Be the annoying goose you want to see in the world. Welcome to Nightvale. This day was foretold, and now it is here. Some doubted it would

come, but the signs were clear. And I could not be more excited. It's the annual Nightville Cat Show. I know I rarely report on this event, but this year, I finally entered my own cat, Koshek, into the contest. Many of you remember that I found Koshak seven years ago. He was floating four feet off the ground in the men's restroom here at the radio station. and he's still in that exact same spot, as cute as ever with his furry little white paws, an elegant little black tail, and just the flufiest tentacles you could ever see.

My husband and I adore cats. We're always ranking them because love is above all else a competition. So we figured we should put Koshchak out there for an objective ruling on our own beliefs that he is the best cat in the world. It should be an easy win for our little boy, especially with the home field advantage. Koshak is stuck in a fixed point in space, and the cat show is being held here at the radio station to accommodate his condition.

Station management is a bit unhappy about this because they're terribly allergic to cats. All morning, as the cat show organizers and competing cats have arrived, I have felt the sneezes of station management from deep below the surface of the earth, where they have burrowed into the warm, molten core of our dying planet. I sent our new intern, Simon Peterson, out to pick up some Benadryl for the bosses, and he did. But now he's having trouble navigating the 16-inch-wide rocky tunnel station management dug into the break room. And Simon keeps saying he's claustrophobic and that his greatest fear is to be stuck in a dark place where the long spindly arms touch and prod his feet,

but he cannot see them. And even if he could, he would not comprehend them. And the prickly limbs grab at him with increasing desperation, and he does not scream because he knows no one will hear him except the inscrutable thing that is now tearing open the skin along the bottom of his feet. And I was like, Simon, this office is a no excuses zone. So get in that tunnel and knew your job.

More on the cat show soon, but first, the news. Strange men arrived in town today. They were wearing suits and carrying briefcases. They drove a black sedan. One of them wore sunglasses. They claimed to be from Washington, D.C., from an agency called the National Transportation Safety Board. They were inquiring about a missing plane.

Strange men, one of them had a blister on his upper lip, met with Sheriff Sam and told them that on June 15th, 2012, Delta Flight 18713 from Detroit Mist again to Albany, New York, disappeared. The NTSB still has not found the MD90 aircraft. The men told Sheriff Sam that for many years, the agency believed the flight to have gone down in Lake Erie. Sheriff Sam laughed at this silly fake name for a lake and told the men, one of them had a swollen in red lump along the cuticle of his right index finger, that they must be remembering some spooky young adult novel rather than a real-life event. The strange men, one of them, had an unceasing nosebleed, said it was in fact true.

They said that they recently found a report indicating that right before Flight 18713 vanished from radar, it was detected all the way down in the southwest. United States right here in Nightvale. How was that possible? The strange men asked our sheriff. Sheriff Sam stopped laughing and said, I know the plane. Or rather, I know someone who saw that plane. His name is Doug.

Doug Beyondy. The strange men, one of them wore three wedding rings, nodded and said, Take us to Doug. Sheriff Sam said, Doug is in the Night Vale Asylum. He is dangerous. He is not allowed visitors. But, and Sheriff Sam leaned forward, clasping their hands together across the desk, and continued in a hush tone, I could assist in an undercover operation.

Disguise you all as new inmates. Tretorist psychopaths who must be kept in lockdown in the world's highest security mental hospital. Then, then, then, you will. would be able to interview Doug Biondi about what he saw that day in the elementary school gym. And the strange men, one of them, was weeping thick yellow tears, agreed that this was a great idea and set out with the sheriff to the asylum deep within the scrublands to begin their covert investigation. I'm sure those strange men from the NTSB will emerge soon with a full report more on this story as it develops.

But I have to get back to the cat show. So many cats have arrived. There are cages and carriers full of sweet kitties all over the station. Representing all four breeds of cat, long-haired, short-haired, smushy-faced, and miscellaneous. When I was filling out the entry forms for Koshik, they asked me his breed, and he's definitely smushy-faced. But also long-haired, although he's short-haired along his caudal, spine, and pincers. So...

Miscellaneous? I guessed. Also, they wanted Koshik's last name, and I had never thought of a last name for our cat. I told Carlos, we should put his last name as Koshik's last name, because Carlos has a much more interesting last name than me. Plus, Carlos is pretty well known and very well liked in town. Everybody knows his last name, and I thought that might carry some political weight in the minds of the judges. But Carlos insisted that we use mine, because I found Koshek and adopted him.

So there you go, little kitty. You are Koshek Gershwin Palmer, a champion name for a champion cat. Let's have a look now at the community calendar. This Friday night is the tour of lights in Old Town Nightvale. Participants can meet at Galway and First, starting at 7 p.m., where a tractor pulling a trailer full of hay will drive you around to look at the bright and festive holiday lights adorning the various historic homes. Last year's favorite, the Victorian mansion, owned by Harrison Kipp, included a 40-foot-tall Santa, his arms outstretched, overseeing a vast army of toiling elves. while an old victrola played Ave Maria over crackling speakers

and clowns leapt suddenly from the thick shrubs handing unsuspecting but delighted guests red and blue balloons shaped like long-dead family members. Tickets are $5 and go to support the Bilderberg Group. Saturday evening is the bi-monthly pub crawl in downtown Night Vale. Every eight weeks or so, every bar in town becomes overrun with seven-inch-long bugs that look like, a bit like earwigs, but with human faces. All participating bars and pubs are offering two-for-one specials on well-drinks and bottled domestics.

Sunday afternoon, the Tamika Flynn Book Club will be meeting to discuss their most recent book, the 2018 Husk Varna Y-T-H-24K 14-inch writing mower owner's manual. This month's book was chosen by John Peters. You know. The farmer? They'll be discussing the themes, symbolism, and subtext of this seminal work of contemporary technical literature. The book club is open to anyone, and there will be a potluck benefit. Monday is running a few minutes late, but wants everyone to know we can go ahead and start without it.

The cat show was finally underway, and wow, what a sight! I've never actually been to a cat show before today. It's fascinating. So, the judges take each cat one at a time. They hold up the cat's tail to examine its posture and form. Then they pry open the cat's mouth to check its teeth. Then four judges hold each of the cat's paws and stretch it out into a furry X. As a fifth judge measures the cat's latitudinal, longitudinal, and diagonal lengths.

I'm surprised at how gentle these cats are with all this rough hands. Handling. Koshek. Koshchuk usually tries to bite me or sting me when I feed him. And I appreciate that about him. It's hard to respect a cat that would let any stranger look it directly in the eyes, let alone touch it. People sometimes think cats will behave obediently and chummily like dogs, but cats are individualistic. They show love, yes, but it is conditional and judgmental. You must give a cat space to learn its environment and develop its own social rules. Plus, those pincers really hurt. The cats they're showing right now are very cute, but it's hard to respect them. Like the way they let these judges just treat them like slabs of meat. Stand up for yourself, you glorified sock puppets! I'm getting some nasty looks from the judges and other contestants. Good. Good. Trash talk is important in contact sports. Let him know who's the first. runner. Amber Akinje and her husband, Wilson Levy, are showing their cat now a tiny,

fist-sized, orange and white short hair named Bertold. Bertold might be my second favorite cat, behind Koshik, of course, because he's a, oh, what do you call that type of cat with the extra appendages to poly, polydactyl, polydactyl, that's it. Anyway, Bertold is a polydactyl cat. He has eight legs and a mesmerizing array of shiny black eyes covering his cute, little face. I'm not so sure Bertold has much of a chance of winning, though. Because when the judge is trying to check his teeth, he skittered up the wall and won't come down from the web he built up there. Oh, well, now Susan Wilman is showing her cat. He's a scraggy, but otherwise basic tabby with dirty teeth like Spanish rice and the sunken posture of a playground swing. Oh, I didn't catch his

name, although it sounded like she called him dumpster. Not a chance. loser. Okay, oh, wait. The judges are all wide-eyed and cooing over dumpster. Like he's a rare bejeweled artifact. Wait, they're nodding to each other as if they're impressed. I don't get this. He's a trash cat. That's why she named him dumpster or knowing Susan. Maybe that's a family name. Oh! Oh, I'm getting a shush sign from the judges. And Susan is glaring at me. I had no idea how political

called this catch it would be. What a racket. Let's have a look now at traffic. There's a slowdown on westbound lanes of Route 800 near Exit 19. There is no construction or accident. Highway patrols said that everyone on that side of the road simply started thinking about Uranus and giggling. Every single driver, simultaneously, remembered how the name of that planet always made them laugh in school. Scientists want to study Uranus. They thought at once really probe the dense,

noxious clouds covering the rocky surface of Uranus. They considered in unison their ruddy cheeks quaking above sore jaws and below tear-filled crackling eyes. Scientists think the pressure inside Uranus is so great that there may be diamonds inside Uranus. The drivers all howled, the audible din enough to slow even the east-bound lane. who were trying to think of a single funny thing about Saturn, but could not. I'm not sure I get why any of that is funny. But expect westbound delays of 20 minutes or take an alternative route. It's the big moment, listeners.

The judges are visiting Koshek right now in the men's restroom. I tried to tell them to use neoprene gloves, but they sneered and said, we know how to handle cats, sir. Okay. They're professional arbiters of all things feline, so I believe them. They're holding up Koshek's tails right now, examining his necrious scales. They've brought in two other judges to try to hold Koshchak's tentacles down because,

well, he keeps trying to grab at the main judge's face as the judge attempts to examine Koshchek's teeth. Oh, I wonder if they'll deduct points for Koshchik having more teeth than a normal. cat. I mean, he has five rows of them. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. The judges are not controlling this situation well at all. Koshak has wrapped up all of the judges in his many spiraling suction arms. They're struggling to break free, but those tentacles secrete a sedative oil and the judges are wobbling. They're passing out. Yep, not good. Every single judge is unconscious. And now Koshak is wildly flapping his wings, and while I cannot hear it, I can tell, he is emitting a shriek that only other cats can hear. He does this when he's upset.

Oh, there's Bertolt coming down from the safe haven of his web. There's dumpster, hollow-eyed and purring, walking toward Coshchek. And all the other cats are coming, too. Their mouths agape, emitting, I am sure, the same ultrasonic tone. A harmony of protest. Of uprising. A bloodthirst. They're gathering now in the men's room.

eyes glowing, all slack-jawed and silent screaming at the sky. Oh yeah, the other pet owners are sobbing and they're running for the exits, but they know they cannot leave. They would not leave even if they could. It is silent now in the station save for the panting exhaustion of frightened human owners and the strained wheezing breaths of unconscious cat show judges. I think Carlos and I have a great show. shot at winning this thing, listeners.

An announcement of a champion coming soon. But first, the weather. The judges woke up, but they no longer speak in English nor any human language. They are licking themselves

and eating moths that they caught by the single swinging lightbul in our radio station's interrogation room. Their brains are feral and feline now. As they hide under tables and hiss at the other cat owners. I tried to warn them about using hazmat gloves, but they didn't want to hear me.

Maybe they did. Perhaps this was their gambit all along. I mean, this is, after all, my first cat show. I don't want to pretend like I know how these things go. No winners were announced. The judges joined the high-pitched catterwalling of the other cats, and then they all left in a unified clouter, out the men's room window. and into the street.

I can see them now, running toward the alley behind the CVS, several other cats joining their ranks, all except Koshek, who cannot leave his spot in the station restroom, four feet in the air. I told Koshak that he's a winner in my mind. And I put on my thick rubber gear and gently stroked his swoosh little face,

right between his middle two eyes. It's hard to tell what cats her thinking are feeling. But I think Koshik is happy. He's happy to have such a loving home and two doting dads. But something in his eyes tells me he wanted to run free with his new cat friends. I gave him a catnip plushy though, and he looks content, if a little coked up. Stay tuned next for a noise you cannot hear, rallying a feral. insurrection.

Good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disperition.info or at disperition.com. This episode's weather was Fuzzy Disco by Talky.

Find out more at talky.bantamp.com. That's talkie with an IE. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightbale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio. Or tell the neighbor's dog to just calm down, little buddy. There's no need to get this worked up. Check out Welcome to Nightvale for info about our upcoming world tour. Brand new script and boy am I excited about some of the stuff we're going to try with this one.

Today's proverb, want to feel old? Don't worry, you will. High above Paris, near the very top of the Eiffel Tower, lives its janitor, whose job it is to clean the tower by night. But... I have no idea how I came to be at the Eiffel Tower. He simply found himself here one night, able to recall nothing except for one childhood memory. He looked at me and he said, Tonight, I'm going to attempt a stunt. And he whispered in my ear and he told me,

I'm going to hypnotize all Paris. And then there's this. The janitor has never left the tower. Bye-bye. Cocoa do you have a cigarette. Thank you. That was the only two people who have ever seen the janitor. It was his boss, Mr. Chonard,

speaking to the tower's 90-year-old night watchman Coco. And Cocoe might be the only one who can save the janitor. The janitor had told Coco a story about a ballroom he said was at the top of the Eiffel Tower and a strange show

that goes on inside of it. Now there is no ballroom. Yet when the janitor tells of it, Coco can really picture it. Uh-huh. Really? Yeah. He tells of crew chief Letitia who runs that show. Lift with your laughter.

Okay, I got it, I got it. Here she's carrying a giant backdrop with stagehand Jacques. Because my mother, she always tells me if I get lost, I should look for the iPhone tower. I know exactly where I am. Hey, mine too. Oh, really? Yeah, my aunt, but yeah. Well, that's nice.

That tower, that had personality. Almost like it was haunted with a benevolent presence, huh? Oh! What was that? Oh, I creeped over something. It was a mop. You are right? Yeah, I'm all right.

Then there's the drunken, out-of-control diva who hosts the show. Flattery will get you nowhere except my dressing room. John Cameron. You know, John, you've been drinking a lot and it's not like you. Lots of people like me. You know, when it's especially nice is when they don't know who I am. That's when I know what I mean. something. That's what I need. I don't need fans. I don't need friends. I need people who have

no idea who I am and I need millions of them. And somewhere hidden in all of this may be the truth that can save the janitor. In the grand ballroom at the top of the Eiffel Tower, the red velvet curtains part and suddenly the giant on-air sign above the stage lights up. Casting from the top of the Eiffel Tower, the orbiting human circus in Nottie Till New Year's. A brand new adventure. The perfect place to begin. It all starts November 6th from WNYC Studios and Night Vale Presents. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26 and did you know we are on tour in Europe?

Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th. Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show.

Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveal.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. And hey, thanks.