Welcome to Night Vale - 16 - The Phone Call

Episode Date: February 1, 2013

Cecil receives a cryptic phone call from someone who is very close. Plus, a new business plan at the Daily Journal, an important list from the Sheriff's Secret Police, and improvements at the public library. Weather: "Those Days Are Gone and My Heart is Breaking" by Barton Carroll. bartoncarroll.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

Your existence is not impossible, but it's also not very likely. Welcome to Night Vale. In light of the ever-declining sales of newspapers and the rise of competition from digital media, the Night Vale Daily Journal announced that it has developed a new business model. Publishing editor Leanne Hart, speaking to television and internet reporters outside the burned down shell of the journal's former distribution plant said their new mission as a newspaper is to kill news bloggers with hatchets. In this bold new initiative, a game-changing strategy by one of the industry stalwarts,

the Daily Journal plans to just go to bloggers' homes and places of employment with hatchet, and then chop them up, the bloggers, until they, the bloggers, are dead. She added that the journal still plans to use the AP style guide, and they are working to design a newer, more modern-looking masthead. Several journal reporters and ad reps then began swinging blades at the non-print reporters in attendance. The Sheriff's Secret Police is issuing an urgent message to all citizens. Attention, all citizens. Memorize this list.

Memorize it now. It will not now nor ever be repeated. Memorize this list for your safety and protection. We cannot tell you when or where you will need to know it, but when you do, you will be safe. Here is the list. Memorize. Now. Hazelnut.

Mistify. Cuttlefish. Lark. Lurk. Robert. Anglican. Firmone, haltertop,

marmalade, hardware, laser pepper, release, kneecap, falafel, period, Chase, chased,

leggings, wool, sweater, heartbeat, heart beat, heart, beat, heart, beat. Beat.

Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Memorize that list, citizens, in order. Secret police warn that if you miss even one word or transpose a couple of words like lurk and lark, there could be unpleasant consequences. This has been a special announcement from the sheriff's secret police. Listeners, guess who called me this weekend? Well, hey, I don't like to talk too much about my personal life here. This is your community news station, not Cecil's personal life station, right?

Okay, fine, I'll just say it. Carlos! Carlos! The dark, delicate skin scientist who came into our lo, little town and our littler hearts several months ago. Well, I gave him my home phone number quite a while back, and he never called. And I didn't think anything of it, right? I mean, sometimes people just don't call, and that's okay.

Well, to the point, Carlos calls, and I'm like, hello? Like, I don't even have caller ID, and he's like, I need to talk to you. This is important. And I'm like, Um, okay. I mean, that's pretty forward, right, listeners? But I can't tell exactly what he wants yet. And he said, Cecil.

Just the sound of his caramel voice, Cecil. He says, Cecil. I think time is slowing down in Night Vale. And then I said, after a slow, sip of Armagnac. Oh? And Perfect Carlos said, Last week, seven days, 24 hours each day, 60 minutes in each hour, that's 10,080 minutes in a week, right? Uh-huh, go on, I said, trying to sound like someone with a normal pulse whose palms were not sweating.

Well, I ran some figures, and during that same amount of time in Night Vale, 11,783 minutes elapsed everywhere else in the world. That's more than a full day longer. I don't know what's happening. So that's what Carlos said. Listeners, what do you think? I feel like time always slows down,

when we're together, Carlos and I? Is that what he's trying to say? I feel that way, too. But I didn't say that. I just said, oh, this is bad. I just said, Neat. Oh, how embarrassing.

I mean, Carlos is so smart, and he says so many smart things. And I'm not dumb. I like science. and municipally approved books just as much as the next guy, so I can't believe that's all I could say to him. Neat. But I did manage to ask if he wanted to get together some time

and talk some more about this really fascinating subject. He said no. But he needed me to help get the word out and see if anyone has noticed a massive, time shift. So, that's what I'm doing now. Anything for the scientific community, I'm very into science these days. Wow. Can you believe he called me? Update on the impending invasion from the underground city. The sheriff's secret police has reviewed Teddy Williams' grainy security footage from the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, and they say that the nearly

indiscernible gray blotch, making a slight movement near the cheese dispenser, definitely proves that a lost city is moving toward war with night veil. A balaclava-clad man wearing a mitre, cloak, and a giant silver star, and speaking through a vocoder, you know, the man we all believe to be the sheriff of Night Vale, announced this morning that all citizens should prepare their town for war. This includes fortifying porches with sandbags, training children to detect landmines, and not taking off our gas masks for meals,

even though it is considered polite. we talked with teddy himself he told us that during last night's league bowling tournament the jukebox malfunctioned and would not stop playing mr brownstone teddy says this could be a code some kind of threatening message or maybe even a subtle call for peace he also asked that night vale citizens learn their shoe-sumersers shoe rentals are taking way too long, and it's really not that hard to memorize a one or two-digit number. The Sheriff's Secret Police also asks Night Vale residents to please help in their Neighborhood Watch program. Secret Police are in every neighborhood watching everybody, so here are some tips on how you can help this invaluable community surveillance. program. 1. Keep all windows open during clement weather.

And if you must close them during rain, dust or coal storms, please keep them clean and stand near them so cameras and microphones can clearly identify you. 2. When having any private conversation, whether via phone or with those in your home, turn down the TV and radio to cut back on noise pollution. Also, please try to keep your conversations lively, maybe some local gossip, or polarizing sports opinions. Too much boring talk about plans for your garden or where to buy good laser discs can make the secret police tired and less effective at their jobs.

3. Do not wear tinfoil hats. This hackneyed technique doesn't work at all. Helicopters could mind-scan you through 20 feet of lead. You shouldn't wear these homemade hats because it draws unnecessary attention to yourself. It's pathetic and paranoid. The secret police are embarrassed for you. And as always, if you see something, say something. That's the code word to call a special raid on a neighbor or stranger. If you see something, say the word something. Now in the news. After several months of protests from ordinary night veil citizens of stout and sturdy character,

The city council has announced several improvements for the public library. These improvements are the following. An entrance is being constructed at the front of the building, so we will no longer have to enter by waking up between two shelves in a dizzy haze, unsure of how we got there, and then wandering around, trapped, until we wake with a start in our own beds, covered in sweat, and with a few books we checked out on our nightstand. Drinking fountains are being installed in the lobby, as well as dunking chambers and a state-of-the-art fainting pool.

Librarian-repellant dispensers are being placed throughout the building. Remember, if approached by a librarian, keep still. Do not run away. Try to make yourself bigger than the librarian. Finally, the children's section is getting beanbag chairs. That is all. Is it? Yes. But is it? Yes. And now, and now, Traffic All roads lead to somewhere, and all roads come from somewhere, and in between they are a snarl and curve, a twist and a bend. Where are we going? I mean metaphorically.

Where are we coming from? I mean, literally. Is it possible to stop or turn? around, and if not, what does that mean for the latest polls and economic reports? Ladies and gentlemen, Route 800 is looking clear in both directions. The old dirt road to the small wooden shack is backed up at least 30 minutes. There, now you know, has that filled an emptiness for you? Are you any happier now? I hope so. This has been, and will always be, traffic. Listeners, I can hardly stand it any longer. During the past few stories, my phone has been silently buzzing. You guessed who? You guessed who?

Given that I am a radio host and it is therefore my duty to redo the news, it would be completely inappropriate for me to answer my phone regardless of how much I want to soak my ears in the oaky tones of our community's most significant outsider. But, well, he left me some voicemails. This may be a bit unorthodox. But I need your help, dear listeners, to determine where Carlos is going with all of this. Let's listen to these together, okay?

What do you think he's trying to say? Cecil, sorry to bother you. I need you to get the word out that clocks in Night Vale are not real. I have not found a single real clock. I have disassembled several watches and clocks this week, and all of them are hollow inside. No gears, no crystal, no battery, or power source. Some of them actually contain a gelatinous gray lump that seems to be growing hair and teeth. I need to know if all clocks are this way, Cecil.

There's something at my face. I'm peering through a crack in the living room blinds. Sorry about that, Cecil. I forget what I was doing. I think somebody came over, but I don't remember who or what for. Anyway, I need to meet you. Are you free tomorrow afternoon? You have a contact number for the mayor and someone with the police, right?

It's important that I find them, and again, can you get the word out on your radio show about the clocks? Did you hear that, listeners? A date! Let's go to the weather! I was thinking of our crew. The thinking just makes me sad, and that's why I write to you. How do you do? There's been years between us We have big ideas when our school was done

We'd leave our smaller minds and move out to Oregon But I was the only one Who went the road less taken I met a girl and I swept her off her feet Made her promises I never meant to keep There's a mean streak in me. Inside a storm was raging. He had a form like no other girl in town.

We had a baby boy, but I couldn't stick around. I couldn't be tied down. That's just the way I was thinking. Those days are gone. And my heart is aching. Thought I deserved so much more than work could pay I drove containers to BC from Monterey. It was a long way on pins,

many letters, but I never opened one. She met some other man and gave his name to my son. I guess the damage is done. And there's no way I can fake it. Days are gone. And my heart is breaking Always thought my heart to be a dark horse Laying low till race day came along

Lately my heart's feeling like a dartboard That's not something I had planned at all And there's no limit to the steps I could retrace But I got a job cooking eggs at my friend's place It's no disgrace To make an honest living And if it makes you blue I hope I did not dwell

And if this gets to you I hope it finds you well There's not much else Out here it's been raining Those days are here My heart is waiting Well I just got off the phone with Carlos listeners, and we have a date tomorrow afternoon. It's just coffee, but maybe it's more,

maybe lots more. Who knows? You know, they always say, if you're trying to meet someone, you may never find them, but it's when you're not looking. That's when they find you. I've always heard this in reference to government agents, but I think it applies to dating as well. Carlos did want me to ask if anyone has ever actually seen the Night Vale Clock Tower. I told him that it was invisible and always teleporting, and that's why he can't ever see it. I mean, that seems sort of obvious. Okay, that was unfair. Carlos is a very smart man, and I shouldn't roll my eyes just because he doesn't comprehend basic architecture.

He obviously has a lot of other intriguing interests, though, like clockmaking and seismology. And who knows what else. Oh, happy day, listeners. Thanks for listening and for helping me through this. I'm so very excited. Before we go, intern Stacy just handed me this. The sheriff's secret police would like to issue a correction to their earlier special alert. In their warning, they stated that memorizing a very specific list would keep you safe.

This is incorrect. According to the new statement, quote, We are not safe. We are all being hunted by time and our own deceitful bodies. Memorizing the list will merely prevent additional external pain beyond that which you experience daily just by being alive. The Sheriff's Secret Police regret the error. End quote.

That's it for our news. Stay tuned next for a community-wide frision of cosmic fright. Thank you again, Night Vale. May you too find love in this dark desert. May it be as permanent as the blinking lights and as comforting as the dull roar of space. Good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Night Vale.

is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer, and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dyspiration. All of it can be downloaded for free at dispersion. info. This episode's weather was Those Days Are Gone and My Heart is Breaking by Barton Carroll. Find out more at bartoncaryl.com. We would like to thank our Night Vale intern, Adam Donnells, who was recently carried away by a swarm of aggressive ants and his presumed eaten. Want to have your music featured in the weather section? Want to contribute your talents to the show? Just want to say hi? Email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com. Or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio. Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show,

as well as our books on the unused story ideas of HP Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up. Today's proverb, if I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast, incomprehensible universe. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators, who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of unlicensed. for you to listen to now with season three dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed,

please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now, only at Audible. com.