Welcome to Night Vale - 160 - The Weather

Episode Date: December 15, 2019

And now... the weather. Sports: “Suspension of Disbelief” by Victory Soul Orchestra https://victorysoulorchestra.com It’s not too late to get holiday gifts from our store, but soon it will be. Grab a holiday sweater, tarot deck, ornaments, and more weird and beautiful gifts at TopatoCo: https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv Another great last minute holiday gift? Tickets to our 2020 World Tour! Tickets now on sale in over 50 cities across North America and Europe: http://welcometonightvale.com/live Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. No man is an island.

Some men are fjords. Most men are oxbow's. All men are ravines. Welcome to Nightvale. The news coming up. But first, let's go to the weather. There's a cold front moving through night veil. Temperature at City Hall is currently 63 degrees and sunny,

with wind gusts later this afternoon of up to 40 miles per hour. These winds are expected to bring cold air as low as 20 degrees this evening and possibly dropping to below zero overnight. It's unknown what's causing this weather is a statement I make every day. Looking out into the sky, is it God? Perhaps it is the government. Perhaps Earth itself? Is it out of boredom that the weather exists?

Maybe it is out of care. That would suggest the existence of a God who wishes us well. But it does not explain the fierce destructiveness of a blizzard or a heatwave or a tornado or a tsunami. Is a tsunami weather? That is a question best left to oceanographers, meteorologists. or a tarot deck. But why would God make a thing than mar it?

What mood change is this? What care can this God have for humanity? Ah, and maybe that's the point. It does make me feel better. To think that it all doesn't matter. It really takes a lot of pressure off, doesn't it?

Anyway, it's getting cold tonight. Bundle up, Night Vale. Let's have a look at agriculture. John Peters, you know, the farmer, says his orange crop this year is massive. He says the quantity of product has not deviated, only the quality. Them oranges are huge, John said, holding an orange the size of a 2002 IMac computer. I can't fit this thing into one of them orange crushers, what that I make the juice with, he said, struggling to keep his back straight under the weight of the abnormally sized citrus fruit. John says he's excited for his orange grove, which has been doing great ever since he genetically modified his crop to no longer cause teleportation across existential dimensions when consumed.

Despite his excitement for orange sales, John says he's worried about next year's crop of invisible corn. He said he looked up summer 2020 in his farmer's almanac and all it said was, well, crap. Good luck. John plans to diversify his farm investment by raising cattle for slaughter. He's vegan these days, so he does not want to sell the cattle for meat or dairy. He'll just raise the cattle until they're old enough to kill. Best of luck in all your endeavors, John. Hope you finally win that coveted Best Orange at the Citrus Festival this year.

Many of our listeners have written concerned emails about the temperature possibly falling below zero. Bob Sturm of Old Town said, Zero is the lowest number, Cecil. I'm a big stats guy, and I can tell you that you cannot have less than nothing. That's impossible. Well, listen, Bob, I'm a journalist, not a numerologist, so I don't know what to tell you.

Apparently, there are many unknown numbers below zero, and, as they are discovered, rest assured, I will be here to report on them. Rania Guerrero from the west side asks if there's anything, we can do to better prepare ourselves for this weather. Well, Rania, here are some tips I just looked up online. 1. Bundle up. Yeah, your heater can only do so much.

2. Bring your pets indoors. And if you have an agent from a vague yet menacing government agency outside your home assigned to record your every movement, invite them in as well. You don't want them freezing alone out there in their black sedan. 3. Light of fire. If you have a fireplace. If you do not have a fireplace or pellet stove,

try using your refrigerator or sink. Four, if you should lose power at any time, do not panic. Just curl into a ball, breathing heavily and repeating, oh God, no, oh God, no, oh God no, oh God no, through loudly chattering teeth. Now, we're not expecting precipitation tonight, but should it snow, I recommend, making a snow angel. Yeah.

That's always fun. All you have to do is lie flat on your back, arms and legs outstretched until you are called into celestial service to whatever greater authority rules these beautiful creatures. Thank you for your questions and comments. I'll do my best to keep our town up to date on the latest weather. But first, this Saturday is Nightvale's annual holiday fireworks extravaganza at the Nightvale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area. There will be live music by local bands, including a new band

by Dark Owl Records owner Michelle Wynne and her girlfriend Maureen. Ah, my old intern, Marie. Their band is called The Funstastics, and it's a folk country slash trans tribute band performing the Acapella covers of Philip Glasscores. According to Michelle's press release, please do not watch our show. I'm very angry.

you even know about it. I hate that our secret concert at the annual holiday fireworks extravaganza, Nightville's most anticipated and attended annual event was leaked to the press. Following the concert, there will be a collective prayer to the Great Golden and then the fireworks will begin. Event organizers say they have a special fireworks display in store for attendees this year. Traditionally, the biggest explosions are reserved for. for the end of a half-hour-long build-up of lesser explosions. But focus groups have indicated that people are tired of having to wait for the best part.

So, instead of normal boring fireworks, they will be blowing up old cars using the 18,000 tons of solid fuel they found at an abandoned missile silo on the edge of the sand wastes. The holiday fireworks extravaganza would like to thank the Sheriff's Secret Police for the vehicle donations, which are mostly cars impounded this past week for overdue. state inspection stickers. Can't wait to see everybody this Saturday at the fireworks extravaganza. The power is out now in Old Town Nightvale and at the library and on the south end. The temperature

has dropped to 5 degrees and I think it will continue to plummet throughout the night. People are doing everything they can to prepare. Before the stores close, I recommend driving out and picking up some water as well as canned goods, even some fresh produce and raw meat while it's still there. I mean, people worked hard to grow that food 10 states away and then drive it across the country right here to you and you haven't bought it yet. Even if your refrigerator's not working because of the power outages, it'll be cold enough in your house to keep it all fresh. So get out there and spend your money on food. We have so much of it. Let's use it, Nightville. But above all, stay warm.

If you're alone, visit a neighbor. body heat and company can help a lot in weather like this. And if you have room in your home, welcome your neighbors in. There's no reason to be alone at a time like this. Plus, it's the holiday season. Why not keep each other warm with stories, with camaraderie, with good fellowship? And if you can't be with others tonight, then I will do my best to keep you company through this brutal cold.

I'd like to tell you a story of my childhood. It's a very personal story, one I've never shared on the air before. I'm a bit nervous to tell it to you all, but if ever there was a time for a story to bring us closer together, now is that time. I will tell you that story in a moment, but first, let's have a look at sports. Something else here now. Something new. Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here.

It's impossible, but it's also real. Sci-Fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning for the greater night veil area. Temperatures as low as negative 10 degrees are predicted with high winds gusts.

up to 60 miles per hour. Wind chills overnight may reach negative 30 degrees. Residents of Night Vale and the surrounding towns of Pine Cliff, Red Mesa, and Desert Bluffs too should seek shelter. They should band, together around fireplaces with heaters at their highest settings. In cases where heat sources are not accessible or operating, residents should huddle, in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph's. Ralph's. Come huddle with us. Come huddle with us. There is a barrel here. It is filled with trash, and we have lit it on fire. It is so warm. The trash. The trash is mostly paper and cardboard, but it is also something greater than that. It is a symbol of progress, of the great tower, of industry, and need, a ruined tower, like Babel, which has toppled onto the weight

of its hubris. And in the language of flame, it tells us things. It tells us so much. Not through words but through visions. Here is a list of visions the fire has revealed to us. 1. 2.2 of coaxial cable. 2. A single light bulb atop an ant-hill. 3. An empty, cake. A round, squat cylinder of frosting, beneath which lies nothing, not even near. Avoid cake. Happy birthday, echoes acquire from a good distance away. 4. A great black bird whose white wings brush along the castle turret.

5. A snake spiraled and asleep inside a leather boot. 6. A wheelless tractor in a vast wasteland of cracked earth. 7. Your brother. Not a brother you know, but a brother you once had. He looks like you, and he repeats your name, but backwards. 8. Smoke clouds shaped like vice grips. These are the visions of the flames, in the barrel, in the vacant lot, out back of the Ralph's, beneath our gaze, and across our minds, beyond our consciousness. These are the remains of the great tower of humanity. Come huddle with us. You, without heat. You, without home. You, without hope. Come huddle with us. This severe weather warning is in effect through 8 a.m. tomorrow, window warm front is expected to move through the region, bringing sunny skies and high temperatures

in the mid-80s. And everyone will return to their normal lives, satisfied that they have out dual death, once again, confusing accidental survival with competence, and immortality. What doesn't kill you, only makes you more complacent. The National Weather Service knows this is but a night together with you, not a whole life. For what we have in this moment is truer than rain, but briefer than thunder. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Blah, blah.

I am not saying the morning one. not hurt. I'm only saying the joy of memory is stronger than the prick of any blade upon mine heart. This has been a severe weather warning from the National Weather Service. Stay tuned to the station for further updates. I love you. I have always loved you. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming. Is what I saw in the... Never told that story to anyone before. I hope it has kept to you company throughout this treacherous night. I hope it has kept you warm.

Just knowing you're listening somewhere out there in the cold, dark has kept me warm. Stay safe, wherever you are. Good night, Nightvale. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at dispirition.info or at disparition.com. This episode's sports was Suspension of Disbelief by Victory Soul Orchestra.

Find out more at victory soul orchestra.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. or put a hat on a hat, on a hat, on a hat, and have yourself a hat stack. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about our Patreon Scout program. Our donor scouts are how this show keeps getting made. We couldn't do it without you. Today's proverb, who called it Snowpiercer instead of Chris Evans's Polar Express?

You're okay with that? Yeah. Okay. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner. And Joseph Fing. Of Welcome to Nightveal. And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age. of television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of

classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also, the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women? The Best Worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.