Welcome to Night Vale - 168 - Secret Blotter

Episode Date: May 15, 2020

For the first time ever, the Sheriff's Secret Police has made their blotter public. Guest writer: Brie Williams Weather: “Best Friends” by Curtains: https://curtains.bandcamp.com/ If you can, please support our Patreon: http://patreon.com/welcometonightvale/ Rescheduled tour dates for 2020: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Our third novel, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, is out now: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.  http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents.  http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear

Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out

all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% false memories of what you think happened to you. Welcome to Nightvale.

In an effort to bring more transparency to the sheriff's secret police. A chronicle of one night's dispatches will be released to the public. This action comes at the behest of the city council who voted unanimously on a resolution to ban plastic bags. Now, okay, while those two things may not seem related, Sheriff Sam misunderstood the vote as a rallying cry against tyrannical surveillance and a personal threat involving being thrown into the pit of Vipers behind the bowling alley. Sheriff Sam, who has a paralyzing fear of Vipers, proposed a compromise, in which secret police

dispatches would be temporarily divulged so the public can get a better idea of what the agency does and how tax dollars are being spent, a plan which was readily accepted by the council, though they continued to roll their eyes and gnash their teeth and chant softly, Viper Pit. Viper Pit. Blessed be the viper pit. Which is just how they express a yay vote on procedural issues. As a result, Night Vale has its first ever police blotter.

Let's dig in. 9 o'clock p.m. Missing person reported inside the Ralphs. Night manager on duty says employee went to stock some cases of Limer Limerida's in the new walk-in beer cave and never came out. Reporting officer thoroughly checked beer cave and confirmed it was deserted. Three cases of the beverage were left haphazardly in the middle of the floor and a loading dolly was tipped over onto its side.

Manager states employee originally brought in four cases. Manager added one missing case of Limeridas to the report. asked if this kind of thing has happened before, manager changed subject and asked if officer would like to look at some of the children's drawing contest submissions. Officer was amenable to this request. 9.16 p.m. noise complaint. Dog barking in an unknown language, annoying residents. Dirty white fur, human face. Gone when officer arrived on scene. 9.25 p.m. Two underage residents attempted to sneak into an R-rated movie by pretending to be one tall person in a trench coat.

When confronted by officer, they turned into a swarm of flies and dispersed. 10.01 p.m. noise complaint. A sound resembling television static was being emitted from a shower drain out in the hefty Sycamore trailer park. When recorded and played backwards, it turned out to be a broadcast from a 1952 episode of the game show Beat the Clock, where contestants competed to see how many pieces they could smash a clock into. A plumber was called. 10.55 p.m. A resident of Desert Creek searched for easy tortellini recipes.

But none of them were easy enough. It was so late already and they needed to get to bed soon. soon, but they were also very hungry and needed to eat dinner first. They wanted something quick, but they also wanted a real dinner, not a false dinner, like cereal? They became hyper-aware that the more they deliberated on what to make, the longer it was all taking, and factoring in the decision-making time on top of the meal prep time was becoming additionally stressful in relation to the desire to get to bed soon. 11.30 p.m. A coyote corner's swimming pool filled with blood and began swirling furiously in a counterclockwise direction.

Homeowner appeared distressed. Officer advised homeowner to drain pool. 1131 p.m. Multiple residents awoke in a cold sweat from the same dream. It wasn't necessarily a nightmare, but it was definitely not pleasant. The only thing they could recall afterwards was that it was snowing, and there was a tree with seven limbs. 12 o'clock a.m. Which is? 2 o'clock a.m. That time of night when everything starts getting hazy.

Were you headed to a crime? Checking a surveillance station? listening to a wiretap, going home, returning to headquarters, signaling an invisible helicopter, sometimes you lose track. An old local legend comes into your mind, and you try to recall the details. It's been so long since you've heard it. You watch the headlights bounce along the dirt road ahead, and your eyes begin to play tricks on you, sensing movement in the dark margins where the light doesn't penetrate.

You turn off the lights and slow the vehicle. They weren't tricks after all. There is movement here, a dark, writhing mass entering the roadway. You are forced to stop the car. Eyes flash open in the dark. Many sets of eyes. This isn't part of a half-remembered leg. This is something very, very real.

More of the blotter soon. But first, let's have a look at traffic. You're hunting in a pack near the old highway. The smell of blood is in the air. Headlights bounce over the rise and your stomachs rumble. The moon flees behind the clouds and you fan out along both sides of the road. of the road, moving parallel to it like a lazy river. The car approaches and slows. It shuts off its headlights as you knew it would. Some of you push ahead of the car blocking its path. Others move to the

rear and others remain at the sides, boxing it in. You converge, surrounding it more tightly. The door opens, then closes again. fleshy creature inside cursing softly. You hear a crackle of radiostatic, but you know it is inconsequential to you. You consume the metal shell first. There are explosions of air and the hiss of leaking fluids. Then the glass, crunchy, and cool in your collective gullet. And finally, the screaming delicacy in the center.

the cloth-wrapped package of meat and bone. There are other things afterward, less enjoyable, but consumable nonetheless. Papers and electronics, and a plether, and cold french fries in a bag. Nothing must remain. By the time the moon emerges from the clouds, the old highway will be deserted once more. This has been traffic. And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by TikTok,

the only app that tells you exactly how long you have left to live. The sleek countdown display sinks easily with all of your devices so that you can check your mortality at a glance. The Premium Edition provides additional details, such as manner and location of death, and updates to the minute, as you make different choices throughout your day. You'll find yourself asking questions like,

why did returning a library book just subtract four years from my life? How did leaving late for work change my final outcome from drowning and gulch to birds of prey? Why does it say tomorrow all of a sudden? It must be some kind of glitch, right? Okay, okay, I've updated the app, but it still hasn't changed. It still says, tomorrow. I just got checked out by a doctor and they said I'm in great shape. I'm staying home from work.

I'm not answering the door. I've closed the blinds. And I'm sitting on the couch surrounded by pillows, not moving, not eating, not even blinking. I've done everything. Damn it! Everything! Why does it still say tomorrow? TikTok.

TikTok. This has been a word from our sponsors. Back to the sheriff's secret police blotter. 2.30 AM. Responded to an officer distress call on the old highway. No sign of officer or vehicle found. Must have been a false alarm. 3.15 AM.

Nude man, ranting in middle of old highway carrying a case of alcoholic beverages, identified as the night shift stocker at the Ralph's. Claims he entered the walk-in refrigerator at work, reached up to place the case of beverages on the shelf, and abruptly found himself in a network of ice caves. He eventually climbed up a snowy mountain where he met a robed figure he refers to as the Oracle.

The Oracle foretold of a hungry darkness with a thousand eyes and urged that the portal must be closed. The Ralph's employee also reported that the Oracle had slurred speech and seemed unsteady on its feet and may have been inebriated. After this exchange, he then found himself standing in the sandwastes nude. He does not know where his clothes are. Officer escorted man back to the Ralph's to finish out his shift.

3.35 AM. Domestic disturbance. He won't stop practicing the flute. A cactus bloom resident reported, indicating his doppelganger who stood in the corner of the bedroom, staring unblinkingly at the wall and playing the same, halting, scale on a wooden flute. Officer advised resident to take a melatonin and try to get some sleep. If he doesn't stop, I can't be held responsible. The sleep deprived resident threatened.

Sounds fair. The officer agreed and left the premises. 4 o'clock AM. An alarm clock went off in Old Town. A woman attempted to get out of bed, but her cat walked sleepily onto her person and began purring, preventing her from rising. Her cat is elderly, and the woman knows its number of purrs are finite and must be honored. Eventually, she put on coffee and took a shower.

She used herbal solution shampoo for a lifelong dandruff condition, though she has not seen any improvement after years of using the product. She continues using it because she likes the way it smells. It smells medicinal. like it's helping. And it does tingle, like the label promises. The tingle means it's working, the label says. So, it must be working. And now a break from the police blotter for some sports news. Nightvale High School, go Scorpions, has added a concession stand to be used during sporting events. The Parent Teacher Association proudly unveiled the new stand at last week's baseball game, dedicating the plywood structure to the memory of favorite AP auto shop teacher Nick Teller.

Teller reacted with confusion at this news as he is still alive. Oh, of course, no, no, of course you are. The PTA responded awkwardly, but we just wanted to honor your memory, as in what a great memory you have. You, you, you, you know, you, you, you know how you're really good at remembering stuff. We just wanted to, yeah, uh, honor that. The PTA went on, seemingly unable to stop explaining themselves, while standing in front of the dedication plaque, which featured several doves, a Celtic cross, and an image of clasped hands. Teller admitted he does have an excellent memory and is very honored. The following concessions are available at the Teller Memorial Stand.

allowances, the granting of rights, the acceptance of certain things as truth, the yielding of certain other things as untruth. Also, R.C. Cola and popcorn. Oh, which reminds me, we actually have another word from our sponsors, Royal Crown Cola, invented by Ferdinand I, King of Naples, who built a museum of mummies inside his palace to house the bodies of his slain enemies. I am parched from building this museum of mummies, he famously said, and the rest is history. R.C. Cola, the drink of ruthless monarchs. In local news, I have the results of the Ralph's Drawing Contest. Local school children were encouraged to submit a drawing to the store this week,

depicting their favorite Ralph's product. I'll start with the runners up. The third place drawing comes to us from Ella Snyder, a student from Nightville Elementary, and it shows a large black scribbled mass with a lot of eyes in it, with the Ralph's building on fire in the background. Very creative, Ella.

The second place drawing comes from Jace McCoy, also from Knightville Elementary, and this one also shows a black mass with many eyes and a big bright red splatter of blood across the page. Nice use of color, Jace. And the Grand Prize winner comes to us from Heather Fothazam of Dagger's Plunge Charter School. Her drawing features a beautiful black mass with lots of lovely eyes and it's holding a box of store brand frozen pizza rolls. Congratulations, Heather.

Back to the blotter. 4.01 AM Distress call from the Ralph's. Upon arrival, officer was pulled into the manager. The employee from the earlier incident was also present, huddled under a desk. Manager frantically indicated the surveillance window that looks out into the store, which he normally uses to spy on shoppers and report on what they are wearing for his customer fashion newsletter.

Shelves of products were being knocked over and consumed by a vast, dark nothingness. The back of the store then burst into flames. The manager implored the officer to quote, Do something please or will all be killed. Officer used the intercom system to tell the nothingness to vacate the store immediately and advised it of trespass and vandalism laws. The nothingness took the form of many dark shapes with many eyes. A tank of fresh seafood exploded and numerous shellfish were damaged.

Officer advised the shapes that they were all under arrest. Stop talking to it. The manager cried and knocked the intercom mic out of the officer's hand. Approximately 1,000 eyes turned to look at the office window. Interesting. Well, let's have a look at that weather. 4.35 AM. Situation escalated at the Ralph's.

Officer, manager, and employee embraced one another under the office desk amid the shattered glass of the surveillance window. The building trembled around them. Products flew through the air. Half the inventory was sucked into oblivion, and a great fire blazed spreading to the bakery section. After doing an estimated $200,000 worth of damage, the darkness and its many eyes entered the beer cave and did not come back out.

Officer investigated the beer cave and found it to be empty. You have to shut down the cave. The Ralph's employee implored the manager. That's its doorway to our world. The manager hedged and responded that a big heat wave was coming and if they hoped to recoup any of their losses, keeping the beer cave open was going to be instrumental to the store's survival. People will spend big on frosty cold beverages.

The manager responded, not to mention they're going to like standing around in there for a nice cool down. The employee wrapped his robe tightly around himself. Oh, the manager had lent him the robe, one of the many fashion items the manager kept in his collection, since the employee still didn't know where his clothes had gone. Okay, the employee said. He picked up a limerita that had been knocked onto the floor and guzzled it down in one continuous gulp. Then he said, his voice already a little slurred. I'll have to try to stop it myself.

He ran into the beer cave and promptly vanished. 5.40 a.m. Tree with seven limbs seen growing out of a hole in the vacant lot out back of the routes. Snow observed on the branches, which melted off quickly as the sun rose. 5.45 a.m. Real pretty sunrise. Well, that concludes our secret police blotter. I don't know about the rest of you, but I personally feel a lot more safe and secure getting a closer look at what our secret police do. On behalf of Nightville Community Radio, thank you for your service.

I'm sure we will all rest a lot easier knowing that our fate is in your hands. Our sleeping bodies are under your watchful eye. And our every thought and action is being monitored for the greater good. As secret police mascot barks on wee always says, Stay tuned, stay vigilant, report your neighbors. Woof, woof. Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents.

This episode was written by Bree Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer, and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Best Friends by Curtains. Find out more at curtains.bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio.

Or tell that barking dog to go home. Go home, dog. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about supporting us on Patreon. because we really need it right now. Today's proverb, six out of seven dentists have no idea where that seventh one disappeared to. Honest. They all have rock-solid alibis,

and that blood could have belonged to anyone. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

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