Welcome to Night Vale - 17 - Valentine

Episode Date: February 15, 2013

Emergency crews are on hand to help cleanup the aftermath of the worst Valentine's Days in recent memories. Plus, important schedule changes at the Night Vale Airport, the City Council votes to choose an official town language, and updates on the Post Office. Weather: "Neptune's Jewels" by Mystic. thatgirlmystic.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

Trust everyone. Welcome to Nightvale. Hello, citizens of Nightvale. I bring you now to our ongoing coverage of the Valentine's Day aftermath. Emergency workers have been at it since early this morning, starting the long task of cleanup and recovery. Reports are still hazy, but we believe that the housing developments of Marshall's Gorge and Golden Dunes have both been wiped completely off the map, while Coyote Corners

and Cactus Bloom are reporting extensive damage to structures and power lines. Please, if you are not directly involved in the recovery and cleanup from Valentine's Day, stay off the roads to make room for those who are. This Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Day, days will not succeed in bringing our city down. This Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's days, will soon recede into painful memory fading with time until another foul Valentine's Day is upon us again. In other news, the Randy Newman Memorial Night Vale Airport has announced some schedule changes due to multiple severe weather conditions, including the existence of an atmosphere, and that strange fiery orb that appears for approximately half of every 24-hour period.

Many of today's flights will be delayed for several hours, while the rest will be moved into the past, and will have already happened last week. All arriving flights have been cancelled except those from JFK, L-A-X, and X-T-A, which will continue on the usual routine of unscheduled arrivals that are a complete surprise to both the pilots and air traffic control, based on routes that appear to violate the simple laws of physics and geography. In addition, Martin McCaffrey, local TSA representative, reminded all travelers that security measures are in place for their own safety, and we should respect the sacrifice needed to keep our lives and our country secure. Martin said,

I know going through both a metal and full body scanner as well as crawling through a lengthy pitch black tunnel, while a recording of a monotone male voice lists possible ways of dying are all inconveniences. And, I know that many travelers are concerned with privacy issues involving the voice of a small child that comes through strategically placed ceiling grates, asking them to name every person they have ever kissed. But these are all necessary evils. Mr. McCaffrey then went on to draw a quick sketch of a strange, elongated, dark figure crawling out of a kitchen refrigerator, after which he immediately insisted that he had no memory of creating the picture and no idea what it could mean. More on this eventually, probably.

Hey! Here's a health tip from the Greater Night Vennessee. medical community. It's possible you won't be able to kill it. If it manages to burrow under your skin, stop fighting because it has already become part of you. Welcome your new body mate. Listen to what it has to say and see where the new symbiotic lifestyle takes you.

Emergency workers report that the damage from Valentine's Day is worse than previously projected. They describe bodies strewn upon the ground covered in glitter and paper cupids. Entire buildings collapsed, leaving only rubble and shocking candy hearts. And of course, there is the sad fate of those. chosen to be another person's valentine. Little can be said to help the families of those unfortunates, except that the process is, while exactly as ghastly and excruciating as feared, apparently not as horribly slow and drawn out as it appears to outside observers. As usual, no aid has come our way.

from either the state or national government. The state house even went so far as to send a formal reply, the entirety of which reads, Sorry, we can see what you were going for, but maybe we just don't get that kind of thing. Anyway, creative stuff and have a happy Valentine's. Those monsters. If you or anyone you know has any footage or photos of the events of Valentine's Day,

please send them directly into the station so that we may put the images and video on the radio. Thank you and be safe. The city council recently moved to name Dance as the official town language. This measure has been met with. tense debate and raised voices over the past several weeks. Proponents say we need a unified language, as it will save money on municipal signage and documentation, not to mention, bring us together as a community. The poetry of the human body, they said, while quickly pulling in their elbows and

turning their bowler hats down over their eyes in an obvious tribute to Vossi, mates physical being with mental necessity, a marriage that brings purpose to our quickly rotting living corpses. Opponents say that this move, if voted into law, is discriminatory against the physically handicapped. Also, less than 10% of Night Vale citizens have ever taken a single dance lesson, let alone achieved lifelong mastery of one of the most ethereal and difficult to grasp art forms. One opponent, who asked to remain nameless out of fear of retribution, told us the bill was entirely funded by lobbyists from Cheryl's Little Princess's Dance Studio. Just follow the money. They were.

said. Then the anonymous insider's pupils grew until they eclipsed the whites. Their tongues slid out from their knife gash of a grin and their hair would not stop graying and growing. A final vote is expected on Tuesday. And now, traffic. A representative from the sheriff's secret police, waving vaguely at a map in our studio, said that there are street closures. Quote, all over. Just all over the general area, the representative said, tapping the edge of the map with two knuckles, a bunch of them in different places. We asked if he could be more specific, and he nodded,

but did not say anything more. We tried naming a couple of streets to see if any of them were included on the list of closers, but the representative only replied with a, oh yeah, I mean, probably, and an ambiguous headwaggle to each one. He added that anyone caught on a closed road would be dealt with in the usual manner, and then he winked, and gave me a... a thumbs up. It is possible he was merely a vagrant who wandered into the studio. We didn't bother to check his credentials. Just to be safe though, look out for road closures all over

in the general area listeners. They're in a bunch of different places, probably. This has been traffic. And now for corrections. We offer the following corrections to previous reports broadcast on Nightvale Community Radio. 1. Blue. Not green. 2. A low whirring sound was heard only by those to the west of it. 3. The witness's name was Henry Gregson, and not, as we reported, Crystal Soul Eater 4

We were feeling at best fine And not as we stated on the record Pretty good, thanks Five No, no Do not do what we advised We were so terribly terribly wrong

If you have done it already Well, our heart goes out To those who miss you Please forgive us. Please forgive us. This has been corrections. More post-valentine's day news. The Night Vale Mall's planned Valentine's Day art installation

involving footage of actual beating animal hearts projected on a vivisected teddy bear was cancelled due to the entire mall being flooded with poisonous gas. The gas was described as difficult to breathe, and a major cause of death to those who stood in it. Mall PR officials expressed regret at the cancellation, saying, man, it's like every time an artist has a bold new idea,

the system has to come in and shut them down, They concluded by muttering, it stinks, man, it stinks, before going off to Sulk in the Red Cross medical tent. Emergency workers, meanwhile, report coming across a stash of unactivated Valentine's Day cards, forcing them to cease operations until a specialized team could be called in to deal with the danger. Three workers died before they could retreat. Also, Night Vale Community Radio intern Stacy died a couple of months ago, soon after our last mention of her. Our sympathies go to the loved ones of those who are lost, especially Stacy. Sorry that I didn't get around to telling you until now, that was totally my fault.

Mayor Pamela Winchell issued the following statement today in regards to the increasing public support for her ouster and replacement by dashing inmate and blogger Hiram McDaniels. Wynchell said, The mayor smells of olives. The mayor burns like a match tip and casts her flickering light upon the darkened path of fate. The mayor does not have keys to the stone door.

The mayor is the stone door and all that quivers behind it. The mayor is forgiving. The mayor makes no mistakes. The mayor clutches tightly to your lungs, all six arms embracing your savory breaths. Let the mayor out. Let the mayor out. let the mayor out.

There were no follow-up questions, but the press pool did let out a simultaneous, as fire burst forth from the podium, and the conference room ceiling flew away, revealing a midday night sky that had grown cancerous with blinking stars. McDaniels is still in jail, awaiting trial for insurance,

fraud and evasion of arrest. He has previously announced interest in becoming mayor of Night Vale and is a 3,600-pound, five-headed dragon. In other news, several alert citizens have reported that the Night Vale Post Office, closed since the strange and probably supernatural attack that it suffered several months ago, now appears. appears to be open for business once again. This is good news for all of us, as we, as a city, have been unable to send or receive letters and packages since the closing. All private delivery companies, of course, refuse to enter the Greater Night Vale area,

because, a FedEx spokesperson explained, it is cursed. Witnesses say the post office has... opened its doors and looks to be full of activity. There have been a few changes. For instance, all clerks behind the counter are now strange cloth-wrapped figures who hum, tunelessly and turn in place instead of doing any sort of official postal business. In addition, the entire customer line and lobby area is full, of more of these cloth-wrapped figures, all similarly turning and humming.

Those who have tried to enter the building have reported an immediate wave of dizziness and nausea, followed by visions of strange jagged peaks and a churning black ocean. Also, they say, stamps now cost two cents more than a few months ago, It is not enough, apparently, for the Postal Service to violently assault our minds with visions, but they are also intent on bleeding our wallets dry. For shame. But hey, at least everyone can get Amazon deliveries again. As their slogan says, Amazon.com, the only website now, where did the rest of them go?

Do not ask. Do not ask. And now, the weather. Some would say I should have never came closer, but I never had the chase for the phrase not supposed to So I chose imagine that put a plan in the play to make it public fact that I'm the one and you should have knew But most good things do manifest when the time is true I admit I was nervous because things get changed something about my lifestyle my angles and tangled components Everybody want to touch just for the moment but you put a new hue in my blue added a perspective to my concrete caution into the breeze

Ladies and gentlemen, Emergency workers report that they have reached Old Town Night Vale and further report that it is a scene out of a nightmare, assuming you have had the usual nightmare in which Old Town received minor structural damage and debris with no serious injuries. Emergency workers report that they have treated those who need treating, and have cleared away what needed clearing away.

They report that the usual stress of day-to-day life was worse, but now it seems better, and that later they project it will be worse again. Emergency workers report that they are feeling good about stuff in general for once. Emergency workers report that they are smiling and they don't even know why. Emergency workers report a cloud. Just that. A cloud.

And isn't it funny how we often don't notice little things like that, they report? Well, listeners, it seems perhaps that we have come through this day and reached some other side. Not unaffected, no, not unchanged, but here. After all, this Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Days, will not succeed in bringing our city down. This Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Days, will soon recede into painful memory, fading with time until another foul Valentine's Day is upon us again. Stay tuned next For me saying good night, Night Vale, good night.

Good night, night, night, night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer, and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be downloaded for free at disperition.info. This episode's weather was Neptune's Jules by Mystic. Find out more at That Girl Mystic.com. We would like to thank our Nightvale intern, Adam Dennells, who transplanted his living brain into a computer to escape death until we accidentally deleted him.

Want to have your music featured in the weather section? Want to contribute your talents to the show? Just want to say hi? Email us at Nightfail at commonplacebooks.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Commonplacebooks.com for more information. on this show, as well as our books on the unused story ideas of H.P. Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up. Today's proverb, Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville. com slash live and hey thanks