Welcome to Night Vale - 172 - Return of the Obelisk

Episode Date: August 15, 2020

The obelisk is back, and it will answer one question, and one question only. Weather: “Pros and Cons” by Sugar & the Mint https://www.sugarandthemint.com/ Livestream of THE LIBRARIAN on Aug 20: https://noonchorus.com/welcome-to-night-vale/ Black Lives Matter. Donate where you can to support social justice initiatives You can also support the Night Vale Patreon, to help us keep making this show: http://patreon.com/welcometonightvale/ Rescheduled tour dates for 2020: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live/ Our third novel, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, is out now: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition, and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead, and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, Do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows.

First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on a IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Nothing lasts forever is a phrase with two meanings,

and they're both true. Welcome to Night Vale. All of Night Vale is a glow, there is music in the air, You know what that means, listeners. The obelisk has returned. It's been nearly eight years since the obelisk last appeared, but it's right back where it always shows up in Mission Grove Park over on the east side right next to the whaling pit. But a little bit south of the memorial debris heap. The obelisk returns every five to ten years,

sometimes as long as 50, and it brings with it joy, anticipation, and a deep fear. A terror so deep in the gut that it feels like you've eaten too much ice cream, but in all reality, your body is simply bracing itself for death. The obelisk has always behaved benevolently, but so has the sun. And we don't trust that thing fully either, so, I don't know. Past performance is not an indicator of future results. Unlike the sun, the obelisk radiates a soft blue-like.

but like to the sun, the obelisk makes a lot of noise. In particular, music! The obelisk sounds like a Bach concerto played by a French horn and a theramine from inside a refrigerator. Everyone in town is gathering at Mission Grove Park to see the obelisk in person to pay homage to this rare visit and to confront their fears head on. Hopefully everything works out fine because there's some cool events I want to get to this week. and it would be terrible to have to cancel them over a rogue obelisk. Let's take a look at the community calendar, shall we?

This Friday night is opening night of Andrew Lloyd-Weber's Tony winning musical, Sunset Boulevard, at the Night Vale Community Theater. I'm very excited to finally see the show. It's supposed to be a really lavish production, too. And it's based on one of my all-time favorite Billy Wilder films about an aging silent movie star who finds an amulet that lets her travel in time, but whenever she moves through time, she enters someone else's body and can't leave until she saves her life. This staging of Sunset Boulevard is directed and produced by...

Oh my God, Susan Willman? Really? Honestly, this has been a pretty long week, and I might need to just rest at home on Friday. I mean, I'm not trying to be rude here, but Susan Wilman, is the worst. Did you know she once judged the chili cookoff and I came in third? Third! Behind Joel Eisenberg, which is fine.

Joel's an okay cook, but also behind who else? Susan Wilman! You can't be a judge and win first place. I'm also pretty sure Susan used a pre-packaged spice mix in that chili. I don't have that verified through a secondary source, but I can confirm. It was oversalted again. I'm not saying. I'm just saying. Anyway.

Go see Sunset Boulevard on Friday if you want to watch uninspired actors and muddled blocking. Saturday afternoon is the PTA bake sale fundraiser to send our academic decathlon team to a tournament in our state's capital. The PTA secretary, Susan Wilman, says this money will go toward hotel and bus travel for a brilliant and talented. ACDEQ squad. Academic DeCathlon is about intelligence and perseverance, says Wilman in this overwrought press release. Act Deck is about freedom and fastidiousness. It is a celebration of hard work,

and we want Night Vale to show the rest of the state that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, God, she just runs on. I mean, yes, ACDEC is very cool, and I wish our kids well, but chill with the grandstanding. Anyway, go buy a cake to support those amazing students, even though I'm sure Susan will still manage to mess up a box mix. Sunday is Youth Reprogramming Day at the Night Vale Museum of Forbidden Technologies. Does your child love learning about new gadgets and advancements in technology? Well, come on down to the Museum of Forbidden Technologies on Sunday for a day-long reprogramming event.

Docents and curators will engage those curious kids. through hands-on unlearning. They'll take their patented mind-wipe beam pointed right at each child's forehead until all interest in forbidden technology has been removed. Kids love the mind-wipe beam because it smells like grapes, and they don't feel any pain for weeks after. Youth Reprogramming Day is a family-friendly day of discovering that you know too much, and knowledge is treason.

Today's appearance by the Obelisk is the 19th in recorded history. Little is known about what the obelisk is, who controls it, or what it wants. Most scientists and historians agree that it was created by subterranean gods millennia ago. They think its purpose is a type of census for life at ground level. The obelisk is about 25 feet tall. It is oily and soft like a fresh brick of parmesan cheese, and when it appears, everyone in town carves their name into one of its four sides. We do not know why, or when this practice began. It's simply how it's always been done,

and to question tradition is to admit weakness. When the obelisk eventually disappears, perhaps today, perhaps several days from now, it will take our names with it. And when it returns, those names will be gone, and we will begin the tradition anew. No one knows what happens to those names. Are they simply erased?

Or are they read and recorded? Is this data mining for some ancient tech startup, or does the obelisk truly belong to the gods? We only know what happens to one of the names carved on the obelisk, and for that person we feel both envy and pity. For while the obelisk has always behaved benevolently, past performance, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Let's have a look now at traffic.

Route 800 is shut down until 4 p.m. today as it has turned into a river. No cars are on Route 800, it's just water. Rough and choppy, spiking white rapid caps atop nearly black rushing death. Highway officials are investigating the sudden appearance of this river, perfectly overlaying our main thoroughfare in and out of town. Beneath the quickly moving rush of the river, a single fish, probably a bass of some sort. Highway officials are uncertain because they don't think about fish.

Why would they? Highway officials are annoyed that you think so little of their awareness of fish species. They can tell a salmon from a marlin from a mackerel. See what you made us do? One highway official said, we could have been repairing Route 800, but you started picking on us for not knowing if that's a bass or a mackerel or a whatnot. In fact, the official continued.

We just looked it up on Wikipedia and it's a back. And fun fact, they added, did you know that bass can grow up to 25 pounds, have four rows of human teeth, and can speak Spanish at a first grade level? The river is now branching out down sides of streets and into neighborhoods. Pavement everywhere is a network of freshwater capillaries through town. Expect delays of up to 10 to 20 minutes as you try to get to Mission Grove Park. This has been traffic. The whole town feels like a carnival now, with the whole town. the flashing lights of the obelisk and its crescendo of lively music filling the cool twilight air.

We dance, we sing, we revel in togetherness, and share our fears of what will happen next. What will the question be? And more importantly, what will be its answer? When every name has been placed upon the obelisk, then the blue glow of the towering monolith will die away. The entire structure will turn black. All except one name. One name will remain lit on the obelisk, and that person shall be sent forth to ask their question. They may ask any question they choose, and the obelisk will tell them and only them the answer. No one else can hear this communication.

If the receiver wishes to share what they now know, they are allowed to do so. Many years back, this ritual was more organized. Early Nightvale Townships planned a democratic approach to this opportunity. A committee of the obelisk was formed to decide on the single most important question to ask. This approach came about in response to the super blunder of 1932 when a six-year-old boy named Bartholabue Thomason was chosen to deliver the question. He asked the obelisk if he was, quote, going to have corn for dinner.

The obelisk apparently said no, because little Bart started crying and the obelisk quickly, disappeared, not to return for almost 10 years. By that time, the committee of the obelisk was established and they chose the question, how do you cure cancer? Ah, this is a good and noble question. But the citizen chosen by the obelisk was a farmer named Barry McKenny who tried his best to take careful notes, but a lot of the detailed medical jargon was just too complex for him. The committee tried this question again six years later, but the obelisk refused. to respond to any question it had already answered.

So Sidney Lainard of Old Town Nightvale, not having a backup question from the committee, asked if his wife Jessica was cheating on him with Gerald Framingham, and the obelisk said no, but it only said that because Gerald's actual last name was framing ton, so Sidney just messed up.

Over the decades, the committee of the obelisk asked, is God real? And the obelisk said yes, but nothing more. After this, they tried to ask questions that would elicit more detailed responses. One year they asked who planned the assassination of JFK

and were disappointed to learn that it was a CIA Fidel Castro-Frank Sinatra triumvirate that conspired to murder our 35th president. This was the most boring answer, but at least it verified what everyone already knew. By the 1990s, though, the Committee of the Obelisk it kind of fallen out of fashion after years of corporate funding and corruption. See, this controversy exploded in 1997 when the question put forth by the committee, which at the time was headed by the CFO of PepsiCo, was,

What's the best tasting carbonated soft drink on the market today? The obelisk's answer, to the chairman's great disappointment, was surge. Today, whoever is called on by the obelisk is given free reign. to ask whatever they choose. However many news outlets regularly publish lists of recommended questions. But there is always the risk that someone will ask something frivolous like, what's Jason Maraz up to these days? Or where is the body of my missing father?

Please. God, please, just don't call on Susan Wilman. She will blow it. And now a word from our sponsors. Are you tired of wrinkled shirts? Do your clothes get static cling? How many times do you show up to work with your shirt all rumpled and not smelling like seafone mist? You're not going to get a promotion looking like that.

And while no one deserves anything, you certainly should appear to deserve that promotion. You need crisp, clean, non-ionized clothing that smells like seafone mist. Don't you want to smell like seafone mist? Try Tidepods. With our special formula of citrus extract, kelp and milk fat, Tide pods can be the all-natural solution to all of your laundry problems. You deserve Tidepods because you deserve that promotion over Michaela, who's only like 22 years old.

What has she ever done to deserve a promotion? What's Michaela's deal even? Tidepods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem? Ooh, listeners, the obelisk has gone dark. The music has ceased. The whole town encircles the tower waiting for its declaration, for who shall ask the question? In the quiet night, under few stars peeking through the purple sky, we can hear only the sounds of crickets.

The obelisk, so black as to appear cut out from reality, suddenly shines a small blue line. It is a name. It is on the South Face, and it is... Oh, no. No, no, no. Listeners, I don't know if I can stop this, but I will try. Let's go now to the weather. Favorite books, your heart is good, but not your politics.

You love the morning light, and I love playing late at night. No wonder why we aren't a perfect fit. We don't see out of eye on these crucial things in life. When you like dogs and me, I'm indisposed. And you're beautiful and so full of life, but oh, your music tastes has troubled down the road. And I added up your pros and cons, and I weighed my options well, though I may have done the numbers wrong. Well, it's too late now to tell.

Oh, I look before I fell. Truth's about kindness and gratitude, and you help yourself. And you help yourself to far too much self-help. Me, I'm honest that he does small mistakes and big remorse. I never take it easy on myself. We don't see out of eye on these crucial things in life. When you like dogs and me, I'm indisposed. And you're beautiful and so full of life.

But oh, your movie tastes trouble down the road. Get up your pros and cons. I weighed my options well Though I may have done the numbers wrong Well it's too late not a tell Oh I look before I fell In the hearts I wonder if these tally marks are worth the time It takes right off

Maybe there could come a day when I could learn to love the way you see that world of your spin around Or call me if you're ever back in town It's something else you're now Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now.

We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Well, it's too late. She's asked her question. I'm not sure how I could have stopped this disaster even if I made it over there before she could ask it.

Okay, as you know, by now, the obelisk lit up with Susan Wilman's name. And she grinned smugly and did that fake, like, who, me? What? Oh my God, gesture and then walked on up to the obelisk. The crowd was calling out questions to her like a game show audience trying to help a contestant. No single phrase discernible above the others, and Susan just looked around her big, goofy eyes scanning the people around her, as if she would actually lower herself to listen to their questions.

She thinks she's so high and mighty with her PTA officer status and her hit Broadway musical production. No, no, no, Susan's above us all, just as important as she can be. She waved her arms like wings for quiet, and the audience obeyed she's so self-important, so attention-seeking. and then she asked her question. The one question, we as a town, get only every decade or so. And Susan said, hey, so what's your name?

What's your name? Cah! What a waste. Did she forget we only get one question? The crowd began to boo, or at least I did. I started booing, and I am part of the crowd. The obelisk began to speak only into Susan's mind, and Susan listened closely.

She giggled at first, like a little girl hearing a silly joke from a grandfather. And then her tear-filled laughs turned into tear-filled breaths, which eventually became tear-filled sobs. After about three minutes, the obelisk vanished. And Susan stood alone on the small hill between the wailing pit and the memorial debris heap, and she told us what she heard. Or she told us some of what she heard. Susan said in an unusually booming authoritative voice,

Whosoever speaks aloud the name of the obelisk shall become the obelisk. Whosoever becomes the obelisk shall live forever. Whosoever lives forever shall know all things. Whosoever knows all things shall be damned. And whosoever hears the name of the obelisk spoken aloud, shall perish. The crowd parted for Susan as she left the park. They mumbled their disappointment in both the question and its answer.

Some spoke with pity, some with disdain, while some thought it was all pretty cool and new. Much better than last time when Dave asked who would win the 2013 NBA championships, said one person. Dave won a lot of money on that answer, though, responded another. He has a yacht now over at the harbor and waterfront recreation area. But most everyone whispered their fear for Susan's power itself. I mean, Susan received a gift today, a cursed, cursed gift. You know, I think I might go see that sunset boulevard after all. And I love it.

I don't get to tell Susan very often what a visionary theatrical director she is, but I might even put some stacks of cash down on her cakes Saturday, too. Really support that academic decathlon team. The spirit of American ingenuity and perseverance And all that Good question, Susan. I'd like to never learn the answer, but good question nonetheless. You're one of, if not the, best person I know.

Thumbs up. Stay to next for our newest game show. Nothing will ever be the same. Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dyspiration. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dyspiration. All of it can be found at Dyspiration.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was pros and cons by Sugar and the Mint. Find out more at sugar and the mint.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com.

Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Or try to make friends with the wasps that have moved into your chimney. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about our upcoming live stream production of our first touring live show from back in 2014, The Librarian. Our last one was a blast. This one will also be a blast. Today's proverb, bite your tongue. Fun, right?

Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who like, thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre. Join me, Jeffrey Kraner and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number Nine, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcasts. Boo.