Welcome to Night Vale - 184 - The Fog

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

A dense fog seeps through town. Weather: “Hall of Fame” by Mission from Dog http://missionfromdog.com/ The voice of Deb is Meg Bashwiner. Transcript available at http://welcometonightvale.com/transcripts Pre-order The First Ten Years: Two Sides of the Same Love Story by Meg Bashwiner & Joseph Fink http://tinyurl.com/firsttenyears (personalized & signed editions here: https://www.oblongbooks.com/the-first-ten-years-signed) Patreon is how we exist in this plague year! If you can, please help us keep making this show: http://patreon.com/welcometonightvale/ Our third novel, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, is out now: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp.com Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvail. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Congratulations to last night's lottery winners.

You will be missed. Welcome to Night Vale. Meteorologists are closely watching a dense fog that has filled Radon Canyon today. The thick silver cloud has begun to seep over the rim of the chasm and is creeping into the streets on the outer edges of Night Vale. The meteorologists say these canyon fogs aren't uncommon, but they are keeping their eye on the current situation, should it happen to spill onto major roadways. More on this story as it develops. And now a word from our sponsors. For more on that, we go to our spokeshays Deb.

Deb? Are you there, Deb? Deb? Deb? Deb? Why did you do that? Do what? Summon me. Summon you?

I mean, I said your name because it was time to talk about our sponsors. Summon makes it sound like I just conjured you out of thin air. You said my name five times, Cecil. That's a summoning. Oh, I didn't realize that's how that works. Well, now that you're here, could you... I just got out of the shower, Cecil. I haven't even dried my hair or put on making.

up. I'm lucky I managed to get dressed before you so rudely plucked me out of my house. Rudely, Deb, we have advertisers. I look awful. Stop, stop steering at me. Deb, you're a sentient patch of haze. I can't see you. I didn't even know you had hair or even clothes. Who doesn't wear clothes to work, Cecil? River rocks and perverts. That's who. Is that what you think of me? Deb, no, I just... I just wanted to know about today's sponsor. You're so into sponsors. Why don't you just read it yourself?

Let's see why I can't. In fact, I'm not even sure we need another employee for reading ad copy. Fine. Fine. Listeners. Let's see here. Ah, yes. Listeners.

Today's show is... Today's show is sponsored by Capital One Financial. Capital One Financial sees you, they hear you, and they feel you. Capital One Financial loves you for all your flaws and charms. They would never ask more of you than you were able to give, but they won't let you be complacent in your ways either. Capital One Financial will challenge you to be a better friend, lover, citizen, and human being. Haven't you always wanted an American bank holding company to push you, to improve you,

to inspire you? but all in the name of love? Listen, Capital One Financial knows it has only been getting to know you for 30 seconds, but Capital One Financial loves you. There, they said it. They love you. When you know, you know. And Capital One Financial knows.

Come here, you, give Capital One Financial a big old kiss. And now, back to the news. That really hurts. Hearing you read my sponsored advertising content right in front of my face. Deb, I didn't... Sorry, I didn't realize you were still here. Oh, go ahead. Dig that knife deeper, Cecil.

No, Deb, I literally can't see... Unsummon me. Wait, wait, why are you mad, Deb? Every day, I build relationships with advertisers. I sell time on the show. I write the copy. I deposit the checks. And you don't have the decency

to talk to me like a sentient patch of haze. I'm just a dumb mist that does your bidding whenever you want. And I'm tired of it. What are you saying, Deb? We're done, Cecil. Wait, you're quitting? There you go again.

Treating our relationship like we're co-workers. Like, we just do this because we get paid. I mean, we do this. You have to unsummon me. Oh, I... Smear some of your blood on the ad copy. Ew. Just, like, slice my hand?

Ow! Ah, smudging on the paper? Yes. Okay. Done. Bye, Deb. But call me later. Okay?

Deb? Oh, she's gone. I guess let's get back to the news. The Night Vale Meteorological Society has issued a severe fog alert for our town and the surrounding areas. Their press release attempted to reassure the assembled residents and media that fog is merely condescended. sensation which hangs low to the ground. But this particular fog is so dense as to absorb all light and sound within it. So……

That's kind of weird. The press release concluded. According to engineers at the Nightvale Electric Utility, the fog has even begun to absorb electrical currents, causing power outages in all buildings that the fog touches. This includes battery-operated electronics like cell phones, cars, and divining rods. The Nightvale Electric Utility announced, What a meteorologist know! Is meteorology even a real science?

I mean, we might as well take advice from astrolologists or for nanologists or... And here the engineers began giggling. Botanists! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! They howled in laughter as milk spewed from their nostrils. The meteorologists ignored the taunts from the electric utility and sent out an additional announcement that all contact with those who have been caught up in the fog has been lost. Their cell phones dead. Their vision and hearings swallowed up by the growing cloud.

They could be alive, the meteorologists stated hopefully, but there is no certainty of knowing. The Nightfail Meteorological Society concluded by saying, the fog is expanding rapidly. We have little time left before it envelops our entire town, but it is important that we do not panic. If the fog nears your home or place of business, you must calmly scream and flail your arms. Push anyone in your way to the ground and run away crying, but above all, do not panic. More on this soon, but it's time for another word from our sponsors. So, this one is supposed to be read by Deb, but I guess she's in her feelings today. Did I make her angry?

I don't know how I summoned her to do her job and she threw a fit. So I'll be reading the sponsor copy until we find a new spokeshaze. And today's show is sponsored by Capital One Financial. Wow, I haven't had a sponsor by multiple spots and I don't know how long. I guess they really liked how well I read their other ad. Maybe we don't need an extra staff member to do ad reads. Well, here goes. Capital One Financial sees you, they hear you, they feel you.

Capital One Financial is not mad, but Capital One Financial is disappointed. Capital One Financial thought you understood what it meant to love, to be loved, but it seems clear now that you did not. Capital One Financial accepts the blame for this. They were listening, but they were not receiving. That said, Capital One Financial thinks maybe you're a bit closed off at times, like you're afraid to confront Capital One Financial because the very frustrations you have with your American bank holding company are the frustrations you have with yourself. Capital One Financial reminds you that anger is often guilt in disguise. Capital One Financial knows that life is seasonal.

Storms pass and wounds heal. Capital One Financial is here for you when you need a holding company for your American banking. Come here, you. Let Capital One Financial give you a hug. They call us a holding company for a reason. Tell Capital One financial everything. There, there, hon. Shh. There, there.

This has been a word from our sponsors. Oh, listeners, I got a text from Deb. It says, gosh, Cecil, you did a swell job there. Sure sounds like you don't need me around. Oh, no, no, no, that's not what I meant. I... Oh, let's get back to the news. City Hall has been swallowed by the rapidly spiraling fog,

from Radon Canyon. All contact has been lost. Most of our town has been consumed and we do not know whether anyone in the fog is still alive. We're no longer certain whether or not the fog is a fog at all. No one can see into the dense mist and again, no sounds can escape it. The Nightvale Meteorological Society tied ropes around each other's waists, forming a chain of nearly 50 weather people. Their plan was to venture a few at a time into the fog and take air quality and pressure reading. but the density of the cloud was too great, and those that entered could not be pulled back out. Soon, everyone in the chain was absorbed into the fog. Listeners, I do not know what's happening, nor if anyone left in town can hear me.

I feel so alone here in my studio. So helpless. My only real friend at work is gone, and I think it's all my fault. Sorry, listeners, make some things right. In the meantime, here's today's weather. I'm a dog from Radon Canyon soon, but first we're obligated to credit our sponsors. Besides, I'm not sure there's anyone left in town who can hear me. Either way, today's show is, yet again, sponsored by Capital One Financial.

I have the ad copy right here in front of me, but it's just not the same without Deb. I tried calling her during the break, but her phone went straight to voicemail, and Deb didn't respond to any of my texts or emails or handwritten letters either. I've been so inconsiderate. You know, maybe I'm not good at empathizing. Maybe I come across as rude or dismissive. I don't mean to be, but that doesn't excuse my behavior. Or maybe it's much worse.

Maybe because Deb is a sentient batch of haze that she's invisible and corporeal, I take her for granted. I treat her like she's not human. I mean, she's not, but I mean, human as in equal, not as in species. And that's not right. I genuinely miss Deb. I treated our relationship like colleagues, like I was above her. I never once asked her over to dinner with my family. I never treated her to lunch. I never even talked to her in the break room. Mostly because I could never tell if she was there or not. But I could have asked. I could have asked. I could. have just said aloud to a seemingly empty room, Deb, are you there? What? Oh, you are there. You summoned me again. I can't do anything about that, so here I am. What do you want? Deb, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I was wrong. You've been here for years. I mean, maybe, maybe longer than me. I don't know.

And that's the problem. I never got to know you. I treated you like, An employee, which you are, but that doesn't mean that it's right to talk to you like one. Deb, I'm sorry. This job's a little harder than it looks, isn't it? Actually, no, it's super easy. Capital One Financial bought a whole bunch of spots and I read their copy. It's pretty basic stuff. Oh. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The point is, I missed you. Because the ads aren't the same without you. The show is not the same without you.

I'm not the same without you. You're not a co-worker Deb. You're a friend. I'm sorry for taking you for granted. For not being more welcoming and appreciative. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm not crying, human. I'm laughing.

That you, your quivering flesh makes you weak of mind. It sounds like you're crying. Why would I cry at something as feeble-minded as friendship? I'm breathing heavily in triumph. I will return to your decrepit radio station, and I will show you how to read, sponsor, copy. Your pride will be crushed, beauty, human. And we will have lunch together every week,

and sometimes invite each other over for dinner to meet our families. And I will meet your husband, Carlos, and your son, Esteban, with whom I have only seen photos of, and who is so fragile and soft with his big eyes and fat cheeks and unkempt moppy hair. And I will mock them with my fairy presence. And you will meet my patch of Hayes family. my husband Dave and my husband Paul and my wife Paula and my spouse L.J. And our 25 children. And our pet sneeze, Rufus, and you will cower before us. For what is a body but a curse of pain, fear, and sorrow.

And it's only out of pity for you, human, that I accept your apology. So you're coming back? I am coming back. That is not an answer to your question. I coincidentally declared it right as you asked. This was entirely my decision. Oh, great. I'm so very happy. I'm happy too, but unrelated to your happiness.

Deb? Would you do me the honor of reading the ad copy? Fine. Oh, yay. So there's talking points that they sent over. Oh, I don't need your papered memorandum. Today's show is brought to you by Capital One Financial. Capital One Financial sees you.

They hear you. They feel you. Capital One Financial is proud of you, proud of who you have become. Capital One Financial thinks it has become better for having known you to. Capital One Financial knows times are hard, but together you put in emotional labor to make this relationship better. Capital One Financial is so happy, but they know that love is never stagnant. Love cannot stand upon its own laurels. Love is ever-changing.

Capital One Financial wants to share your love. love with more than just you. Capital One Financial wants to get a dog, maybe two dogs. Capital One Financial was thinking a bigger dog like a pit bull or a greyhound rescue, but Capital One Financial is open to smaller breeds as well, as long as it's adapted. Capital One Financial wants a Who rescued Who Bumper sticker and a hybrid compact SUV. Capital One Financial loves you so much. But sometimes they feel selfish for keeping this love only to themselves. What do you think?

Capital One Financial already put in an application at the shelter. Capital One Financial. Don't be mad. But we got a dog. Oh, Deb, that was beautiful. Beauty is a human construct, Cecil. Wait, wait, I'm so sorry to interrupt, Deb, but it looks like the four. fog is clearing up.

Yes, I can see it's dissipating, drifting away. The streets are visible. Oh, people are emerging from their homes and their offices. It's, that's a sunny, clear day. Everyone is alive and safe and happy. Wow, Deb, it's almost like a metaphor. What do you mean? It's a, you know, the fog.

It's a metaphor for you and me. Like a relationship? Like we let our feelings cloud our real. reason? Like we couldn't hear or see each other? And it could have caused great harm, but once we were able to communicate, it all got cleared up. It's not a metaphor. It's a simile? For crying out loud, Cecil, where do I live? I actually don't know.

Radon Canyon. And what is a fog? I mean, a fog is just condescension. It's a sentient patch of haze, Cecil. Yeah. Geez, I thought I was dense. You had me in a forest. real stinker of a mood today. I got the hollertail and had to let off some steam. Really make people miserable. Misery loves company, don't you know? But I'm feeling tons better now. Oh, I'm so thankful. So hey, do you want to grab lunch after this? Sure. Joel Eisenberg lost his great aunt last weekend. Then he's real sad. Maybe we could go over to his place and feed on his

desolation. Yeah, there's also a new salad place that just opened up on Somerset. That's fine, too. Oh, thanks, Deb. I missed you. Okay, human. Ah, and that's our show. Thank you for listening and stay tuned next for coyotes that... What?

You gotta unsummon me. I need to go home and get changed. Oh, okay. All right, sure. Ow! Oh! Oh, ow! There you go, Deb.

See at lunch? Stay to next for coyotes. Just oodles of coyotes. Good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Think and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by dispersion. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwin. original music by disparition. All of it can be found at disparition. Bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Hall of Fame by Mission from Dog. Find out more at mission from dog.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio.

Or wake up from a long nap, confused about what day it is. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for info about new merch. We always have new merch coming in and merch leaving, never to return. Don't miss it. Today's proverb, it takes a village. Who knows what it will take next. Be safe. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26 and did you know we are on tour in Europe?

Welcome to Nightville will be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your time. town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live and hey, thanks.