Welcome to Night Vale - 191 - The Many, Many Lives of Frank Chen

Episode Date: August 1, 2021

Frank Chen has been found alive and returned to his family exactly as he was the day he died. Weather: “Zoology“ by Funkrust Brass Band, http://funkrust.com Transcript available at http://welcometonightvale.com/transcripts 2022 US TOUR DATES ANNOUNCED! March 27 - June 24, we’ll be all over America with “The Haunting of Night Vale” Tickets on sale now! http://welcometonightvale.com/live Get Joseph Fink’s new novel, THE HALLOWEEN MOON https://www.welcometonightvale.com/books#halloweenmoon Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show: http://patreon.com/welcometonightvale/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp.com Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissan and Starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. The coldest temperature is absolute zero.

The hottest temperature is 103 degrees Fahrenheit. Trust me, I took a hike in that once, and it definitely is the hottest it can be. Welcome to Night Vale. As you may remember, last fall a judgment was handed down against the sheriff's secret police and the city of Night Vale on behalf of the family of Frank Chen. Frank was murdered by an unknown perpetrator almost ten years ago, and the judge ruled that Nightvale must produce a living Frank Chen exactly as he was the day he died. Within one year, or ownership of the town of Nightvale will be handed in full to the Chin family. A few months ago, the Sheriff's Secret Police claimed to have successfully returned Frank Chen, but it turned out that they had only cloned him several times.

This was ruled not to count, and so the Frank clones were released into the world to live their lives as they saw fit. Meanwhile, the deadlines still hung over the town government and the sheriff. But today, Sheriff Sam made a surprise announcement. We did it. For real this time, said the sheriff. We have Frank Chen exactly as he was the day he died, so that's taken care of. No biggie. We did a great job, and we should feel great about it. No sign of Frank at the press conference, so we will keep you updated as we know more.

But first, a word from our sponsors. It's the summer sales event in the woods. That's right, everything must go. Trees, squirrels, caves, moss. We must be crazy to be setting prices this low. An elm for $1,500? Topsoil for eight monthly payments of $9.99? Who allowed us to sell at this discount?

Who allowed us to sell at all? What right do we have to this land? What right do we have to commodify this world we share? Is imaginary profit an excuse for real suffering? We say, who cares? Grab a pine cone for $10. Take a bear for $500. The prices are arbitrary because currency is arbitrary, but we value it more than fragile life.

Porcupines are buy one, get one free. Buy three logs and a rock for absolutely nothing. These deals can't be beat. That deer costs $16. That's a $16 deer. That other deer costs $18. The two deer look basically identical, but there is a difference, and that difference is $2. The summer sales event in the woods.

everything must go, and it will, sooner than we think. This has been a word from our sponsors. All parties gathered at the courthouse under the watchful eye of Judge Chaplin. Sheriff Sam wheeled forward a dolly with a canvas-draped shape on top that wriggled and made grunting sounds. The Chen family sat, looking suspiciously at Sam. Don Chen tapped his foot impatiently. May Chen poked her father, Norman Chen. and whispered something to which the older Chen shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Little Lyle Chen ran in circles, living out some story only he was aware of. Sheriff Sam removed the canvas with a flourish and, there, in fact, was Frank Chen. His mouth had been covered to prevent him from ruining the surprise, and once he was again able to talk, he shouted, What in the world is going on? Who are all you people? He looked over at the Chen family. and his face creased in panic and concern. Don? Is that you?

Why do you look like that? You're so old? Was I in a coma? Judge Rochelle Chaplin, her long face with dark serious lines about the eyes said sternly to Sheriff Sam, Explain yourself. Judge Rochelle Chaplin is well liked

because in her eight years of service as our county's only judge, she is always tough but fair. Sheriff Sam explained that it was all quite simple. Working with staff from the Museum of Forbidden Technology, they had put together a time machine. Using the time machine, they had gone back nine years and removed Frank Chen from his place and time

mere moments before his death. And so they fulfilled the judicial order exactly as stated. Judge Nathaniel Keaton, his terubic face with a ghost of a mustache said offhandedly to Frank Chen. And is this, you know, um, true or whatever? Judge Keaton is disliked because in his eight years of service as our county's only judge, he is always equivocating and taking sides. I guess, said Frank Chen.

Was, was I about to be murdered? That's super scary, so, uh, I'm glad to be here. Is that little May? He said. You were five when I last saw you. Do you remember your uncle? Despite herself, May ran forward and hugged Frank, and both began to cry.

It's him! May said, I know it. It's not a trick. It's him. It's him. Well, this is incredible. I can't wait to talk this over with my boyfriend, Carlos. He's a scientist, you know, so he probably knows all about time.

time travel and any complications it can cause. Sheriff Pamela Winchell nodded, A job well done, I'd say, she did say. Then she opened a trapdoor in the courthouse floor and disappeared through it. More on this, if there is more. Seems like this story might be finished. Let's have a look at the news. Big changes afoot at the Moonlight All Night Diner.

The new owner will be, Oh, hey, Steve Carlsberg. Aw, I love Steve. Always have. Just a great guy. He will be running the place along with his wife, Diane Creighton, and his stepson, Josh. I've always loved the moonlight, Steve said, and now I am excited to run it as a family business with my new family. Don't worry, all your favorites, including the famous invisible pancakes, will still be on the menu, And, Steve continued, you might see some new items like my very own scones. Oh, my God, Steve makes the best scones.

Oh, this is great news. Josh, who was a shapeshifter and took the form of a classic diner jukebox to celebrate the day, indicated that he is thrilled to be working with his new stepdad. Yeah, he said, it's cool. Or whatever. I mean, yeah, it's fine. Or whatever. Then he put on what he described as this super old song that he's not sure anyone has heard of, but he's gotten into it because he loves the classics. And Call Me Maybe is indeed one of the best golden oldies. You might see advertisements for the new ownership of the moonlight all over town.

Steve said he even bought billboards on the purple crystal spire out in the sand wastes. I cannot wait to take my boyfriend out to have invisible pancakes. Mm-mm-mm-mm. Meanwhile, Michelle Wyn, owner of Tower Records, formerly Dark Owl Records before they were bought out by the wildly successful multinational record store conglomerate, is announcing an engagement to her girlfriend. Oh, that's so sweet.

Michelle says that she and Sarah Sultan, who is a fist-sized Sea Rock, are ready to take the next step and want to do so with their entire community. And so they would like me to announce on the air that they are inviting us all to a big party down at the Tower Records. There will be punch and snacks and any kind of music we want to play. I always say, Michelle said, that the best Music is the one that you love. So come and play me your own best music. I want to hear the songs that make you happy. In lieu of gifts, community members are asked to simply pay the couple's rent and utility bills and other living expenses for the next seven to nine years. Dana Cardinal, longtime employee of Dark Owl and then Tower Records, expressed her happiness for the couple.

This is the only job I've ever had, she said, and I feel like it's going to get even more fun. What a sweet little story. Nothing to look at too hard there. Oh, an update on the case. Judge Keaton has called everyone back into the courtroom. I have received information from top scientists, he said. Those top scientists, by the way, might be my boyfriend. And no big deal. The judge continued. These top scientists have indicated to me that by moving Frank Chen out of the moment he is murdered, our timeline has been altered in countless ways, both small and large.

For instance, I was never supposed to be a judge. In our previous timeline, I was a parking attendant like Rochelle Chaplin in the municipal lot here. The judge concluded. Well, listeners, this is stunning news, but also explains some stuff. For instance, that every part of our reality felt wrong. Nothing felt natural. My every instinct screamed against the tiniest details of my existence. Oh, and also that the biggest box office success in movie history

was the recent film version of Cats directed by Barry Jenkins? Yeah, that seemed super weird. The judge has ordered the sheriff's secret police to return Frank Chen back to where he belongs, in his car, a decade ago in the moments before he was going to be murdered. Frank himself protested, saying that this was tantamount to a death sentence, but the judge disagreed, pointing out that allowing history to happen the way it always happened is not the same as an execution and also waving his hand in the air dismissive. while saying,

Eh! But Frank Chen would not take this quietly, and he sprinted from the courthouse before anyone could react. He was last seen getting into the time machine and disappearing. Well, maybe he changed his mind and went back to get murdered? We'll know soon enough if history writes itself. And now for the community calendar. This Monday is the annual softball game with our friends,

in Desert Bluffs. This cordial area tradition is one of my personal highlights of the year, and one of the many ways we keep our relationship close with our favorite neighbors. No matter who wins, we all get a great game and a nice smile. This Tuesday, the angels, tall, radiant beings who are all named Erica, are offering tours of the company they own. So if you want to tour the Nabisco factory, simply walk into the desert until you get unbearably thirsty and then just a little bit more and you will arrive. Either there or somewhere else. Wednesday, our manager here at the station, Karim, is throwing a little party to celebrate

all of the interns we've had over the years. I was an intern myself, Karim said, so I know how hard these unsung heroes work. intern we've ever had, all of whom still live nearby and work in all sorts of exciting fields, are expected to join the celebration. Certainly I'm expecting them. You wouldn't want to disappoint me, would you? Thursday, Louis Blasco is offering music lessons at the guitar center, which was never burned down. Huh. Not sure why I said that last bit. Just a reflex of some kind. Friday Night is the big game between the Nightvelle Scorpions and the Pine Bluff Swamp Monsters. While the Nightville team name is merely metaphorical, the Pine Bluff name, as you might suspect from the nature of that town, is a literal description.

So it should be an exciting game. And this Saturday is the annual Wheat and Wheat Buy Products Fair in Grove Park. This has been the Community Calendar. Huh. I think our timeline might still be altered. Sheriff Pamela Winchell has hastily thrown together a second time machine using spare parts from Jackie Firo's repair shop on Owl Tong Circle. She has vowed to track down Frank Chen and set right this crooked present. While she moves through time, let us also move through time, albeit at normal speed and in the usual direction, by checking in on the weather. Frank Chen fled across time, and the sheriff followed.

Frank went first to ancient Rome, where he was startled to see that all the white marble was garishly painted, and the great philosophers in their togas smelled human and ripe. It was all more real than he expected it to be, and he found it overwhelming. He spent 13 years as a blacksmith before Sheriff Winchell caught up. He lost his pursuer during the eruption of Vesuvius and returned to the machine. Next, he moved to 2121 and found himself waist-deep in warm water. He was on a street where the water lapped at the bottom floors of the buildings. A woman leaned out from a balcony and eyed him as he sloshed along.

Not from around here, she said with no question in her voice. Guess not, he said. Behind him, somewhere, he heard the splash of Sheriff Winchell arriving. He knew he could not stay here, in the warm water as it rose. Stay safe, she said to him. You too, he said. A wave crashed into a kitchen, and a pot floated past him as he left. Next he found himself on a grassland.

It was evening and he was alone. He had no way of knowing this, because he only ever saw a few miles radius, but he had arrived about a million years before anything that could be called a human had arrived on the scene of our history. Frank lived a few restful years there, scavenging and hunting,

before he saw the flash of purple across the sky and knew that the sheriff had caught up at last. From there, he went to the far future, a thousand years from now, when humanity had given up on the end of the end of the end of the future, extraordinarily natural spaceship we had thrived on for hundreds of thousands of years, and instead cast ourselves in cramped and fragile metal canisters rocketing through the stars, leaving our savaged home behind us. Frank joined an interstellar mission, saw the stars

radiance without the dancing flicker of atmospheric disturbance, witnessed astonishing sights, but behind him always the spaceship containing Sheriff Winchell, who had joined the interstellar mission that left just after Franks. Then he traveled to a town in Nebraska at the start of the 20th century, all cowboy hats and dirt streets. Frank Chen learned how to ride a horse, how to ranch. He never robbed a train or took part in a daring heist. He lived the quiet life that was most of the real Old West outside of the stories.

He made a brief visit to Constantinople in the year 600. But that turned out to be kind of a bummer, so he moved on real quick. Frank Chen fled through time after time, exhausted and dizzy, living a thousand different roles, never finding a place where he belonged. And then he took one last blind turn through history and found himself in a pickup truck that felt familiar. A five-pronged shadow crept over the windshield, and Frank had just a moment to think, Now what curious thing is this?

Before he was, at last, murdered, the way he always was meant to be. I'll have to check with Judge Chaplin and Sheriff Sam, but it does appear that time has righted itself in the wake of Frank's murder. I think everything in our town is the way it used to be, which is great, because I cannot wait to take my husband and my son to the moonlight all night and have ourselves a big stack of invisible pancakes. From my version of the truth to yours. Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvail Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey. Craneer and produced by Dysperition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Zoology by Funk Rust Brassband. Find out more at funk rust.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Or realize that Green Day is the oldies now and Madonna is the golden oldies. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about Joseph's brand new book for anyone ages 10 and up.

The Halloween Moon, available wherever you get books. Today's proverb, laughter is not even in the top five best medicines. Hi, we're Meg Bashminer and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Nightvail. And on our new show, The Best Worst, we, explore the golden age of television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat.

And also, the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women? The Best Worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.